As an effeminate man who has made many mistakes in the department of dating, I can’t help but be awestruck by Tolkien’s wisdom on cultivating an authentic relationship with a woman. In a letter to his son Michael, the beloved author of The Lord of the Rings rejects the idea of “platonic friendship” so often sought by immature boys afraid to get their feelings hurt:

In this fallen world the ‘friendship’ that should be possible between all human beings, is virtually impossible between man and woman…two minds that have really a primarily mental and spiritual affinity may by accident reside in a male and female body, and yet may desire and achieve a ‘friendship’ quite independent on sex. But no one can count on it.1

According to Tolkien, the reason that such a relationship is impossible is that a man who pursues a woman—no matter how hard he tries to deny it—does not merely seek the latter’s “company”. Rather, he longs to give her his love and for her to return it.2 True, a virtuous man may not desire a woman merely for her body, but he does want to win her affection in some form or fashion. For instance, he may tell her corny jokes in order to make her laugh. He may listen to all of her problems, occasionally assuming the role of “the shoulder to cry on” when times are tough. He may even go out of his way to form relationships with her family members and her close friends.

While none of these actions are bad per se, a man who performs them on a ‘platonic’ female friend has taken them out of their proper context. As Professor Oak in Pokémon HeartGold so admirably advises the player who tries to ride a bicycle indoors: “There’s a time and place for everything, but not now”. Indeed, establishing close contact with a woman’s inner circle is certainly appropriate, but only if a man is courting her with the intention of making her his one and only “girlfriend”. Otherwise, his intention, though perhaps pure, is misguided and ultimately unseemly. To quote Tolkien, who connects these “platonic” relationships to medieval courtly romance:

Its weakness is, of course, that it began as an artificial courtly game, a way of enjoying love for its own sake without reference to (and indeed contrary to) matrimony…This is, of course, false and at best make-believe.3

Thankfully, the great Englishman does not leave men in the dark on how to avoid platonic friendships with females. Consider Faramir’s first encounter with Éowyn in the Houses of Healing:

Éowyn of Rohan, I say to you that you are beautiful. In the valleys of our hills there are flowers fair and bright, and maidens fairer still; but neither flower nor lady have I seen till now in Gondor so lovely, and so sorrowful. It may be that only a few days are left ere darkness falls upon our world, and when it comes I hope to face it steadily; but it would ease my heart, if while the Sun yet shines, I could see you still.4

Although the reader may see the Steward of Gondor’s speech as merely an opportunity for him to earn the White Lady’s esteemed company, the fact that he calls her “beautiful” reveals his romantic interest in her, making his intention quite clear from the beginning. Seeing herself as a broken shieldmaiden who is no longer fit for battle, Éowyn initially denies his advances. Nevertheless, that doesn’t stop Faramir from learning all he can about her from the Warden and Merry. Eventually, the White Lady warms up to the Steward, spending five days walking and talking with him in the garden.

At the climax of their courtship, Faramir even wraps his deceased mother’s mantle around her, “clothing” her, in a way, to be his beloved: “‘Éowyn, I would not have this world end now, or lose so soon what I have found.’”5 Instead of rebuffing him, the White Lady holds her lover’s hand and moves closer to him amidst the darkness and growing uncertainty of the outcome against Sauron. After that wicked wretch’s defeat, Faramir asks Éowyn the million-dollar question: “Eowyn, do you not love me, or will you not?’”6 Here lies the only obstacle to their union: the White Lady sees the Steward’s love as pity and wants no part of it. In short, she thinks he just wants to be friends. Were Faramir a lesser man, he would have balked at the chance to move out of the dreaded “FriendZone”. Praise be to God, though, the Steward stands firm in his resolve, and she accepts his love wholeheartedly:

And he took her in his arms and kissed her under the sunlit sky, and he cared not that they stood high upon the walls in the sight of many. And many indeed saw them and the light that shone about them as they came down from the walls and went hand in hand to the Houses of Healing.7

If you as a man find yourself imitating Faramir in your interactions with a female who is “just a friend,” then you, good sir, are deluding yourself. Even worse, if the woman in question is reciprocating your advances without making you the exclusive man in her life, cut off all ties with her immediately. Both God and J.R.R. Tolkien do not want you to waste your time on being “friends” with a woman. On the contrary, they want you to be more than friends. They want you to be married to a woman, not her emotional boytoy at her beck and call.

Forgive my curt language, but it’s time for us Catholics to man up and to be honest with ourselves and with the opposite sex. How many women have been hurt by men who are indecisive in courting them? As the initiator, it is your responsibility to assert your interest in a woman. Unless she is playing games with you—in which case she is not worth your time—don’t complain when a woman in your life doesn’t return your love for her. Take from someone who let his feelings fester for over a decade; being “just friends” with another woman is impossible. To close with the wisdom of Tolkien: “In this fallen world we have as our only guides, prudence, wisdom (rare in youth, too late in age), a clean heart, and fidelity of will.”8

May we pray to the Most Holy Trinity for the grace, courage, and strength for men to court women honestly and properly!

(Cover image source: By Matt Stewart: https://tolkiengateway.net/wiki/Category:Images_of_Faramir#/media/File:Matt_Stewart_-_Eowyn_and_Faramir.jpg)

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