đ©¶"Inevitable Changes" đ©¶
[14.10.25] - Confessional Musings, Midlife Panic, DEATH, Relationship, & SELF LOVE.
Tuesday 14 October 2025
âIf you like your newsletters without politics or preconceptions or seeking a break from the norm you may have just found your new hangoutâ
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HELLO READERS!
This letter is a form of peaceful protest against myself but before I get into those musings please check out my latest endeavours as described down below.
Iâve missed the vibe over on this side of my Substack. Iâm looking forward to writing this newsletter knowing that there are so many good people out there in the big wide world who might get a chance to read it. Just before we start, if youâve missed me writing to you here - well, that goes without question âof course youâve missed me!â - then why not consider joining me over to where Iâm hanging out on Substack. If this part doesnât interest you at all please donât close the page. Scroll a bit further down to read my letter to you today.
FIRST: âHousekeepingâ & Where to âFINDâ Me.
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I have been writing in spurts on the ââdailyââ publication because I although all I do to enjoy myself everyday is a bit of reading, some writing and a lot of thinking.
I couldnât always get a letter out every single day, so I slowly dipped my âfingersâ back into it by giving myself a 14 day daily challenge. I messed the first challenge up a few weeks ago, managed to complete it by the skin of my teeth but it had fell on bad times with me and âthe fella indoorsâ.
I started another one 2 days ago and already there are hard times at home that I had to write about. It just seems to be cursed or something. Unless, I do it subconsciously on the worse weeks of my life, to prevent me from processing the pain surrounded by whatâs happening around me, stressfully speaking!
I like to write at least one letter EVERY DAY for 14 days (plus some bonus letters on some days) -then have a little rest and start up again. So you wonât be bombarded with letters coming in from me every single day of our lives as such but its good to get it when it does get into it - even if I say so myself. Follow, Subscribe or Check in from time to time. I just love that youâre reading my writing and hope you continue.
Weâre only just starting the second week writing daily sprint. Check out the most recent SUNDAY 12 October 2025 installment (below) in your own time, and remember thereâs no obligation to sign up but if you do itâs always FREE OF CHARGE.
**Trigger Warnings: My use of foul language comes out more on THE DAILY CHASE almost use it as punctuation. There are no filters over there. Lifeâs hard enough as it without gagging myself in my writing life.**
TUESDAY 14 OCT 2025
Dear Chasers!
My earliest lessons on romance instructed me that love meant:
sacrifice
pity
resentment
dishonesty
it was an underlying currency that relied on natural ability
unspoken, unheard, and swept under the carpet until difficult times when it may or may not be sought out from under the floorboards of our souls and recovered.
We were not a family who talked about love and even as a child, none of my relatives, including my grandparents who were my legal guardians, ever told me they loved me. Iâm sure they did a couple of times in my childhood but not to the extent other families did then or do now. I mean most of the time I hate my boyfriend and he hates me too but whenever we leave the house, itâs always âsee ya, love you!â. In fact its even more enthusiastic whenever weâre departing from each other. Exaggerated even?
Preparing for âInevitable Changesâ
Somehow, throughout this week, Iâve been managing to overcome my emotional flimsiness. I have been rebuilding quietly and think Iâm almost about ready now to prepare for my next chapter. Iâm talking about personal life and relationships of course, do I ever talk about much else!? I wish I was talking about a novel or memoir Iâve been writing or something, but somehow those kind of chapters scare me a lot more than eras of life. Thereâs something about familiarity that makes for a more comfortable experience, and I find the âinevitableâ things in life less daunting because:
I know about them therefore they are familiar to me and I expect it.
I wonât be the only person in the world who has ever had to deal with it.
Thereâs nothing that I can do to avoid the âinevitableâ apart from go through it.
The inevitable experience which I am talking about is a mix of two things, both involve change. The first is about heading into the middle ages (not planning on rubbing shoulders with William the Conqueror or anything) that would be quite challenging for me. Imagine a Norman King entertaining a Schizophrenic female⊠a ginger haired one at that, Itâd be âoff with her headâ or something.
âOne day Iâll touch up on my history and / or historical figures âknowledgeâ (currently non-existent). For all I know William The Conqueror could have a been a female, schizophrenic with lovely long ginger hair. Who knows!â :))
Iâm glad I wasnât around in the real middle-ages. It makes being 43 and colliding with those I love on a one way street into the unknown is a closer step to dying and being alone, feel like a walk in the park (on a chilly day). Uncomfortable but more enjoyable than anything else.
Iâm hurtling toward my final chapter in life before Mort comes to find me with his overturned glass egg-timer tapping it and rolling his eyes, âhave you seen the time?â heâs saying. Come on love Iâve come to collect your soul now. This times its for real, no paying me off with bodily fluids, parts of your past. Memories now are useless to my Masterâ. (DEATH) is always around the corner in my mind, I am almost resigned to it which is a reflection on my life as it is and the way I live it. I wish I had the time of my life where I think about my exit from this world with fear and trepidation, not smiling and welcoming it with open fucking arms! *instant apologies* I tend to try not to use this kind of language on this particular publication. I let it all out elsewhere!
I need to let go at some point and go it alone. We all die by ourselves donât we⊠wait! before this letter takes on too much of a morbid tone, I think Iâll check myself and move us on to the main change to come which isnât 100% inevitable itâs possibly on the cards and/or has been from the very start 15 years ago.. YES DEAR, I am talking about my relationship with my O.H. (other half) , my cohabitation partner, the bane of my life, the man I still love. The only love I know. I think its drawing to a natural close.
If the inevitable change arises whereby my relationship ends, gets terminated somehow, either suddenly or gradually, on dire terms or amicably; Iâd like to know that Iâm going to be alright and OK at home alone. IN the past when I was in my early and late 20âs I couldnât handle it, I couldnât cope.
I think thatâs when I became âWOKEâ - in a higher level of consciousness way - not that I understood and related to people who identified as dogs or teapots or anything like that. Iâm not against any group of people, or any individual. Iâm not unkind to anyone. I treat everybody else in the world the same as Iâve always treated myself. âI have no time for them and wish theyâd all just fuck off!â
All I ever wanted was music, drugs, and love to protect me from my myself as I work hard at my creative pursuits. Now I want someone to love who I can trust and that leaves me to realise, the only person I can trust is myself now. (Trusting myself was a bit ropey previously but not anymore). If I can put my faith into one person, it is me.
Iâm obviously, not coming across correctly. I mean, up until this year. Iâve hid myself away. Iâve hated myself and took no time getting to know or appreciate who I am at all. I donât want find myself a single, wrinkled, fat aging spinster at 53 with nothing but a mental health label and any old flip flop to show for it.
If I prepare for âbeing aloneâ right now, maybe I will never again feel so completely lost and consumed by humiliation that the end of a relationship can bring with it; or the loneliness than ensues, or even panic at the crisis of ending up stuck being SINGLE whilst sitting in the dirty old-age bracket of (45-65) not adequately armed with peace of mind yet, or sure I wish to deal with my demons all by myself at all.
Leaning in to love myself will assist me going forward slowly step-by-step into the rest of my life alone. I donât want to end up driving myself crazy to the point of no return! I want to be my own comfort, I want to have reached a higher state of love, I want to love myself over that finishing line. Iâm ready to make a go of my life from the inside out. I have come to understand that love is not an external experience. Love is an internal experience, found and felt from within. A relationship is supposed to assist you in cultivating more love, but in the end, ultimately - like a mirror it will only amplify the abundance or lack of love we carry towards ourselves.
Iâm learning to give love to myself (I might not be first on my list just yet, I still put the person who doesnât care less first, and anyone else for that matter. I heard somewhere that, âyou canât love anyone until you love yourselfâ. Iâm not quite there yet. Not even close to liking myself much either. Iâm just learning how to âget along and co-operate with her a little bit better, and it is better than before. Before now, Iâve always hated the ground I walked on, prayed that it would just open up and collapse and sink into the earth, sucking me down with it. Now, anyone can try to drag me down and Iâm like this:
EXIT SONG:
âPeople donât change, they come closer and closer to who they really are.â
â Faraaz Kazi
Yours Lovingly,
Your mate, Chasey..!! x












