Every time I go back to my mums, I watch several women die. From documentary to gritty crime drama and back again, they die in abundance every time. Always at the hands of a man, usually a lover or recent ex, sometimes a father or a total stranger. Women in these shows and stories and histories are disposable plot points, they die a lot and they get raped a lot though sometimes the TV show doesn’t really believe its rape, and when they’re not dying or being raped they’re having screamingly loud sex where they cum almost instantly. They are gorgeous and jealous, unhinged and codependent, and they’re all going to die. Sometimes, if the show has a touch more depth, they might have a drug addiction or a nervous breakdown first. Maybe an abortion or a case of child abuse. These were my sisters growing up - what chance did I have, really. The house is filled with grief. Is this normal? Was yours like this?

Writing about my home environment feels unfair to my mum who I love dearly and who is a great mum, I don’t want any of you to have even half an opinion about her or the bumpiness of my upbringing. My dad is a free for all, hate him all you like. Writing can be violent, unkind, it is brutally one sided and telling my truth about what it was like makes me feel like a traitor. What I will share is that growing up in a house that centres men, men’s anger as something that must be pushed through, men who must be forgiven at all costs, men whose needs must be prioritised at all times - this is quite a difficult thing to live inside. Even harder to get out of.

What comes after a childhood like mine is a long series of awful relationships with men, from lovers to friends. Inevitable really. When I look back through my eyes now, wise with the acceptance of my trans and gay identity, I see something new hiding in the waters. I knew I was gay and trans from quite young but grew up in an environment where I felt I would only be valued by my ability to be a good woman. Being the right kind of woman was key to surviving the unhinged men I surrounded myself with. Patriarchy ate me alive. The desire to please and keep the peace rendered me entirely submissive. Love looked like staying with someone who cheats on you relentlessly, or repeatedly hurts you with no remorse. As young as my memory goes, I remember knowing I had to appease the men around me and be agreeable to their desires. So much damage happened to my heart, soul, and body.

Winter is my most creative time. Christmas is steeped in melancholy and nostalgia, grief and forgiveness, love and abandonment. This year it feels like dredging the waters of the lakes in the TV shows, finding all the women that were invented just to be killed off. Wading through endless versions of myself, tiptoeing over wounds and heartbreaks. Revelations and memories rise, filled with the air from my lungs as I dive deeper into the water. The many versions of myself that have been cast as leading lady are swimming under the surface, weeds unwrapping from their ankles the more time I allow myself to heal. Soon I hope to put them to rest.

2025 is gone - join me for Writers Bloc 2026!

A series of workshops I run every year on zoom to get the creative juices flowing for the new year. It is for people of all levels, from diary only notes app confessional writers to those with skillsets that far outweigh mine! I will share some of my current research and interests, and mostly we will write together from different prompts with the intention of writing a total of 3000 words across the series. It’s true that writing is an often solitary act, but starting with some comrades in your corner can be really helpful.

SIGN UP FOR WRITERS BLOC

DATES

Jan 12th, 7pm - 8.30pm

Jan 19th, 7pm - 8.30pm

Jan 26th , 7pm - 8.30pm

There are lots of ways to show up for Palestine and for the activists on hunger strike at the moment. I recommend following Prisoners 4 Palestine for updates of protests and happenings, and if you feel compelled to escalate your tactics you can check out Direct Action Training .

Getting in early to say, I will be putting on a sober led event Jan 17th 12.30pm - 5pm at the Piehouse with my friends! January is full of grief and clearly I am keen to fill it with love and art - hope to see you there.

GET YOUR FREE TICKETS HERE

Lastly, I am looking for a mentor! Please read below and get in touch if this is you / someone you know! Speak soon!

@livwynter

🔪🔥LW🔥🔪 on Instagram: "CALL OUT FOR MENTOR
Weekly mentor for…

The first time I got black out drunk and the first time I did coke I was 13, which means this year is my 20th anniversary of binge drinking and doing drugs as a way to escape and deal with difficult things! Cheers to that, divas!

I’m celebrating this landmark moment and long term relationship by attempting to let it go, to release these pastimes from my coping strategies, to say thank you for helping me stay alive or offering survival options when I couldn’t handle life but now you’re causing me problems and its time to sever these ties (or certainly attempt to). Whilst this might not look like permanent sobriety, it also might, and I’m taking it day by day at the moment.

This stage feels a bit like entering into a messy breakup with someone you know isn’t right for you, one where against your best interests you like all the bad things about them and keep ending up back at theirs even though you know theres no pillowcases or toilet roll. They give you an excuse to cancel plans, or make you feel confident and free, they appear to make difficult situations easier but on further inspection you are confronted with the reality of this relationship, one of sadness and shame and ever shrinking boundaries and disappearing self worth. Your friends might like their outlandish behaviour, but its you that has to deal with them once you’re home.

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That freedom you felt last night comes with a deep sense of fear and anxiety the next day - what did I say? And who to? How much money did I spend? For me this stuff isnt as painful as the way I lose time. During a bender, time no longer belongs to yourself, it is spent getting fucked up, fearing the end of the sesh, and then waiting for that fucked upness to drip into a depression hangover and cascading spiral of a comedown. And then you have to wait for that to pass - normally by getting back on it. Its time consuming! It’s a full time job! And I already have a very difficult full time job of running a music and arts venue!

Previously, as a gogo dancer and party legend in a queer collective that shall not be named, I was able to monetise my disassociative behaviour, but now it feels like there isn’t much left to gain from getting black out or being awake for 48 hours. In fact, at the moment I have a lot to lose - a nice position to be in!

I have spent much of my life trying to dismantle and rebuild my brain and my belief system. From learning about feminism on the cold concrete floor of the Sisters Uncut squat, to considering a world with no police and prisons, to literally just being trans, I am interested in pulling apart things that can be taken for granted. I am not afraid to look them in their face and call them harmful at worst, complicated at best.

Resistance is a way of living a life, it means to constantly question your belief system and to commit to the painful task of change. Approaching sobriety with a political curiosity makes sense to me - without getting too tinfoil hat, it feels right to ask ‘what are the ways we are held down and back by things we take for granted as normal?’. I have long argued that the decadence and hedonism alone are not revolutionary, they require context and purpose to elevate them into something more.

I grew up in a white working class family just outside of London, alcohol abuse and binge drinking feels like my past present and future life - but if I can break out of my small town, my gender, my little life, my view of the world, surely I can break out of the assumption that drinking to oblivion 3 times a week and doing lines in the New Cross Inn on a Tuesday is normal or what I want from my life.

So here we are, day 25 of sobriety, grateful for the decision we made to have 0.5% on draft at the Piehouse. Trying to take myself seriously, to give myself time to process a lot of pain. Making small steps towards a better relationship with myself. Feeling a lot more anger, frustration, and loneliness then last time I got sober (I did 9 months last year!), feeling misunderstood but also part of a bigger picture. Trying to prioritise my own wellbeing, even if its making other people feel uncomfortable or unhappy. I’m not a mirror of other peoples relationships or decisions, I am my own person. This is a decision I’ve made for today. Let’s see what happens tomorrow.

A big thank you to all my subscribers, if you have any money this Christmas season please do donate it to the ongoing court cases of Palestine Solidarity organisers, to Palestinians on the ground, to Piehouse Workers Co-op to recover from the flood, to The Outside Projects winter shelter.

Have been wrestling with depression, burn out, and brain fog, but found this pretty uncharacteristically upbeat piece in the archives - thought I’d share it with you to bide myself some time to write something for next Wednesdays newsletter :)

I’m working on a book proposal at the moment and it’s bought up a lot of things for me - namely imposter syndrome, fear, and unfathomable amounts of doubt, as well as a sudden writers bloc unlike anything I’ve previously encountered. These unwelcome ghosts and unavoidable thoughts are always present in my life, but nothing has ever triggered them like the concept (not even the actual making yet!) of a book. 

What is it about A Book that breaks me out in a sweat?! Why do I feel so undeserving of being an author? This writers block fear doubt combo has touched all of my raw nerves, and it’s been my mission over the last 6 weeks to try and get to grips with them before mercury retrograde sweeps in and destroys all coherent thought (this is not dramatic, I am a Virgo!).

When I conjure up in my head A Writer, he is an old man living by the sea with a fountain pen and a thick jumper. Or sometimes he’s wallowing in the bottom of a bottle, drunk in the corner of a dark pub, frantically writing no doubt very misogynistic poems about his ex lovers and chain smoking roll ups (this is actually a very good description of my first serious boyfriend). In the most decadent of scenarios, he is pacing in a wide open library in his home, or sharing political ideas to crowds in a members clubs from the past. 

What a scam! Embarrassing! Gender and class traitor! Call me OUT! No wonder I feel like a failure! And, what a scam for my brain to betray my politics like this! There are things I can identify in those images that I think are useful - some solitude, nature, space, research, the implication of an abundance of time - but for the most part, I’m describing something I have literally no aspiration to be and actively dislike! 

I’ve found that even if I pushed my brain to really aim a bit higher, as far as I get is a queer person who went to private school and has a PhD and academic parents - another reality out of my grasp and certainly not something I aspire to be (or be around x). So, I’m sharing with you now my current framework within which I am trying to build a writer. 

Firstly, what makes a writer? Surely me? I am a writer. I write. This is an undeniable fact. I write beyond the first circle of writing (diary entries, journaling) into the second circle (writing with self awareness of the act, with an intention for the writing to be good) all the way to the third circle (writing for my peers to read, writing as a job, actively developing my craft). I’m sure loads of you do too! From circle one all the way to the other end, we’re writers, so jot that down first of all! 

Secondly, what makes a good writing day. A good writing day doesn’t need to be 8 hours chained in silence to an oak desk from the 1600s. Or perhaps more importantly, for many of us it can’t be that. I live under bullshit capitalism, I work 55 hours a week, and I love being scatty and distracted - so how do I frame a good writing day around those things? Today is a good writing day as I have written this on the tube, I’ve broken through the horrors of the blank page and I’ve got some words down. A good writing day for me right now is a walk, a good coffee, and 2 hours in the library where I focus only on my own work, and I’m aiming to have that once a week at the moment. Without funding for these passion projects, I’m making peace with that little window of time, and learning to not feel guilty or stressed during it. 

And thirdly, what makes a good writing environment? I don’t believe that solitude and suffering will fuel my practice when the themes I am dedicated to exploring are community, love, revolution, hope, and creativity. How can I possibly present any new ideas on these topics without living and baring witness? Focussed time is definitely necessary, but so is people watching, discussion, fucking and friendship. Rather then whisking myself away to isolation for a week (which by the way always ends in me returning depressed and hungover), I’ve found the best writing environments for me are often crowded places. At the back of a Wetherspoons is where some of my most genius ideas have been born!

All of this to say, I am bringing to you the revolutionary and groundbreaking idea that we are ALL artists, from the notes app confessionals to the long form lesbians - we are all making work all the time. Life is a creative practice, and it is my mission to liberate the idea of writing from the steely grasp of my imagined old man writer.

Next week, I promise to share some reflections on this year - its been a really hard and complicated one for me so its taking a little while to hash it out! Please be patient!

A big thank you to all my subscribers, if you have any money this Christmas season please do donate it to the ongoing court cases of Palestine Solidarity organisers, to Palestinians on the ground, to Piehouse Workers Co-op to recover from the flood, to The Outside Projects winter shelter.

This month there is a PLETHORA of events by your favourite collective, How to Catch a Pig, at your favourite venue, Piehouse Workers Co-op!!! Cancel all existing plans and alert the group chats, this is the only place to be for the next couple of weeks!

First up on the roster is one of our HTCAP POC grant winners, two amazing artists coming together to create a new and experimental music experience.

July 18th - how to catch a pig and blu sun red sun presents GENREMUSTFALL, a night of Black queer experimental sound, blending borders and realities to create anew. genre falls, the dancefloor calls–the recovery of pan-Afrikan electronic music is first and foremost. https://ra.co/events/2202184

Then, we enter the week of HTCAP Trans Pride! We’ve been working away on this for months, and I am so excited to have the first HTCAP events since the Piehouse has reopened! I hope to see you at all of them! Full week tickets are £25, but you can get individual days for £7.

First up on Tuesday the 22nd of July, the phenomenal legends that are TGirlsOnFilm are screening Criminal Queers, a DIY queer abolitionist comedy that visualises a radical trans/queer struggle against the prison industrial complex and toward a world without walls. The collective will be joined by 2 trans sex workers from Thorn to discuss the film.

https://www.outsavvy.com/event/27823/how-to-catch-a-pig-presents-tactical-radical-angry-nasty-naughty-irate-educational-schedule#anchor

On Wednesday 23rd of July we have a stacked double bill! From 6pm - 8pm is Shadows Fight Club leading a self defence class for trans+ peoples. If you are transfemme and would like to attend for free, let us know on [email protected] !

Afterwards from 8pm - 10pm is a DJ class with our resident trans icon, sadqueersclub. Become the hot trans DJ in your friendship group - this could be you!

sadqueersclub

A post shared by @sadqueersclub

The £7 ticket gets you entry to BOTH events, though there is no pressure to attend both we do strongly believe both skills will be equally useful in a post revolution society xx

On Thursday the 24th, we have a truly star studded version of How To Catch A Poet! With headliners Dr Nat Raha, D Mortimer, T, and Teo!

Dr Nat Raha is a poet and activist-scholar. She is the author of four books of poetry, and is co-author of Trans Femme Futures: Abolitionist Ethics for Transfeminist Worlds (Pluto Press, 2024) and co-editor of Radical Transfeminism zine.

Nat has been active in numerous collectives over the past 15 years, including in queer and trans mutual aid, healthcare, and anti-austerity groups. She teaches in Fine Art Critical Studies at the Glasgow School of Art.

D Mortimer is a writer from London interested in the crip unknown. Their first book Last Night a Beefjerk Saved My Life was published with Pilot Press in 2021. Speed Glum Hero, a monograph, is out now with Sticky Fingers Publishing.

T you will recognise from the last HTCAPoet, as they were an unsuspecting audience member forced up on stage (as is tradition), and Teo you will recognise as being one of the legends from issue 1 of The Pig Catcher!

Bring your enemies and allies alike, get ya notes app prepped, cuz its gna be a big one!

https://www.outsavvy.com/event/27823/how-to-catch-a-pig-presents-tactical-radical-angry-nasty-naughty-irate-educational-schedule

On the Friday 23rd, the eve of trans pride, we are pulling out ALL the stops for this HTCAP! Featuring trans punks, sex workers, organisers and agitators from our community, you do not want to miss it!

howtocatchapigacab

A post shared by @howtocatchapigacab

Then the final trans pride event is a totally free pre pride breakfast, hosted by our absolutely best friends at T Time. Look at this gorgeous poster! Come and have baked goods!

Wait.. theres LITERALLY still more!

On July 30th, I am beyond excited to announce one of our POC grant winners, Transmission Zones. One of the stand out applicants from the grant, this event promises imagined realities, revolutionary possibilities, immersive experiences, and everything that sets pig aside from other events. To get a ticket, choose your own adventure on the website below..

Finally on our lineup is Haus of Staynes Drag Game! Another absolute stand out submission to the POC grant! Continuing the legacy of uplifting Black and Brown queer, trans drag royalty, we hobble-strut on the runway and dance our way to disability justice. Moving beyond tired gendered themes and ableist rules, we imagine up wild categories rooted in crip-queer culture. Taking place on August 1st, ticket link to be released soon but get it in the diary for now! 😈

Wow! We are truly back with a BANG! Piehouse Workers Co-op is the venue where pig was born, and it feels huge to be taking over the venue in such an excellent way for July, showcasing so much new fresh political work!

I want to take a second to say, its very well documented that events by Black artists are often very poorly attended by white community members, so I wanna see all of the Pig regulars front and centre supporting each other and lifting each other up!

Byeeee!xx

I am compelled to reach out and share my unwavering solidarity with Palestine Action while we still can. I want it known that this is my stance, and that I am proud to share it. That I stand with the actionists and revolutionaries, and every day I feel the desire to dig deeper into what solidarity on this fascist hell island can achieve. I stand with every Palestinian, I stand with Gaza, and I stand shoulder to shoulder with comrades who will never give up the fight. I just wanted everyone to know, and to send my deep gratitude to Palestine Action and all organisers and Palestinians in the struggle. Free Palestine in our life times!