October was a blur of a month. I lived a lot and wrote very little. I saw lots of people I love, some more than once, talked to both my grandmothers on the phone. I went to a wedding, celebrated lots of birthdays, scrolled too much. I spiraled just a few times, always about the same things. I’m trying to break up with the notion that I need to be useful to be loved. Me and that notion, we’ve been separated for a minute, but every once in a while, if I’m feeling emotionally rejected—especially then—I hear a voice call out, but if they needed you! It’s an emotional logic with many holes, but an old belief all the same. I know intellectually that needing something isn’t the same as loving something and different still from treating that thing well, but I find myself linking need with desire and assuming that whenever a relationship shifts, it’s because my usefulness to that person has ceased or that I’ve become inessential to them. In my head, if they loved me enough they would make the effort. And if they needed me in some way, like I filled some emotional need, then that effort would manifest. I can’t confirm that, I’ve never asked, even though that isn’t how my mind works in the reverse. It’s never that neat. But we live in a world where the idea that making yourself indispensable will guarantee eternal love. Then there’s the matter of being a Black woman, where usefulness is sort of expected. It’s a lot. I’m thinking deeply about it .

Anyway, onto the post!

Notes from October

• I saw Liberation Play on Broadway with The Josie Club. It’s a play about a woman’s quest to understand her mother, which she attempts by learning about the women’s group she was part of. The group meets in a school basement to discuss the issues of women’s liberation and they talk about the material changes that would improve their lives. They become a support network, encouraging each other to push back and interrogating systems that have always existed but aren’t working for them. The women aren’t always on the same page—they have linked but competing interests and differing personalities—but I found it valuable that they took time out of their busy, competing lives to look out and consider the world around them. Many of the topics they discuss are still incredibly relevant—things like abortions, equal pay, divorce—and the main character often pretends to break the fourth wall to point that out to the audience. She posits that with all the time since we should have moved beyond these issues but I don’t totally agree. I was born into a world that had wrestled with these notions so I don’t have to do so for the first time. I have the privilege of continuing the work, of being complacent. Women are trying to sell traditional womanhood on the internet, which is as clear a sign as any that something different is in its place. I think white women tend to do this handwringing and shouting at the sky as if they aren’t full participants in the performance of womanhood, as if all this isn’t really at their behest, even as it limits and oppresses them. There are always choices to be made—I think what was frustrating about the play is that it is rooted in overwhelm, that it asks what to do rather than standing firm in what’s been done. It slyly asks how one can be a feminist fighting for a cause while also balancing the demands of motherhood and career and that gathering in a gym to discuss women’s liberation is for nought because we ended up somewhere less than perfect. But it’s much better than it could’ve been and women grappling with these ideas birthed free women who grew up knowing they’re equal and capable and due to their complacency are fantasizing about giving up their critical thinking skills in service of a soft life. All that said, the play was funny at points and the actors were great. I’d love to hear what y’all think if you’ve seen it.

• I want to paint my hallway a dusky, deep blue that isn’t navy but also isn’t too gray. I bought a bunch of paint samples from Farrow and Ball. I’m not sold on any of them, but the closest is Wine Dark, but it still might be too gray.

• We went to see Destin Conrad. Two things: One, it was my first time at Brooklyn Paramount and it’s a great venue. Two, I ended up being a few feet from Kehlani and kept saying to C throughout the night—do you think she’ll go on stage and sing Folded? She kept telling me no because it’s not her concert and that isn’t a song they have together, but I manifested it into happening because she did perform it and it was incredible.

• After, we went to a 25 and up wine night and I’m almost certain everyone was 24.8 or 26.5. The highlight of the night though was running into Uti and Cristal. We ended up hanging out all night and people-watching. It’s making me question my identity as a homebody.

• Our friends Jade and Nicole had a housewarming for their new place. We ate good and celebrated this next chapter of their lives. At some point the Hennessy shots came out. I drank three types of wine. The coolest part for me was getting to spend time in the world they’ve cultivated. I love meeting my friend’s friends!

• C, Allie, Celia, Carrie and I completed our yearly tradition of apple picking at Fishkill Farms. We’ve been going since 2018 and it’s one of my favorite parts of fall. This is probably the latest into the year we’ve gone thus far and it was the best leaf peeping.

  

• I spent five hours watching a Youtube video about the history of North Korean entertainment. It was fascinating. It’s also a great primer on media literacy and propaganda.

• Went to the Available Works Book Fair, where small presses and art collectors sell art books and posters and t-shirts. I bought a Glenn Ligon exhibition poster and ran into a bunch of people. I got a book recommendation from a guy about gold and recommended Yepoka Yeebo’s Anansi’s Gold in return.

• Then I went across the street to Kinfolk Tech, which they’re billing as a “festival of memory and imagination.” There was a cool exhibition featuring Nikki Giovanni who has only gotten more important to me since she’s passed. Black Market Vintage curated the gift shop and Teranga supplied the food. I bought Bissap (a drink similar to sorrel) and Ginger juice and mixed them together. It’s my favorite drink.

• D’Angelo died and it was a shock to the system. I spent the first part of the day hoping it wasn’t true. I listen to Send It On damn near everyday and it’s hard to grapple with the idea that I’m listening to the voice of someone who’s no longer here. I feel for his and Angie Stone’s son. I spent the day listening to his music and talking to my people about how much he soundtracked our lives.

• Went on a book date with Sasha Bonét at Liz’s Book Bar and we had the best time. As always, the music was immaculate. The Waterbearers is brilliant and she gave me incredible book recommendations, including We Survived The Night by Julian Brave NoiseCat.

• Eli Rallo released her second book Does Anyone Else Feel This Way? and I joined her during the DC leg of her tour at The Howard Theatre. We talked about life, love, and the endless grief of a friendship breakup. It was a beautiful night. Being on stage at such an iconic venue was also surreal. I spent my high school years and DC and my best friend lived on U St for most of those years. We passed the theatre often, I never imagined I’d be sitting on it all those years later with a writer I admire. Life is crazy!

  

• Also we rode Amtrak down, my favorite mode of transportation. It’s the one thing Joe Biden and I have in common.

• I wrote a review of Minor Black Figures for Vulture. It was my first time writing a piece of criticism for a publication—it stretched me intellectually and challenged me to prioritize clarity, a valuable lesson for my writing more generally. I hope to do more of it.

• C and I went down to Newport News for my brother-in-law’s wedding.

  

• That same weekend, my little sister came up to New York and spent the weekend with Allie, who is my former roommate but has really become my sister. The two of them have built such a deep bond over time, I loved getting updates from their weekend together—they ate sushi, went to the museum, got hot chocolate, and watched K-Pop Demon Hunters. When I say my friends are my family, this is what I mean.

• In more friends-are-family happenings, my dad ran into Adrienne’s boyfriend at Rutgers homecoming and they took a photo. It was the most wholesome thing in the world. Apparently my dad knows his. Told Adrienne we’re cousins now.

• We flew straight from Newport News to Arizona to celebrate Chamel’s 30th. We spent the days lounging in the hot tub, waking up late, eating food prepared by Madison M and C and getting tipsy off wine and Cutwaters. Perfect weekend!

• My dad texting me to ask me if I listen to MF Doom.

• Long three-way calls with my mom and sister. We were meant to be in Jamaica the weekend after Arizona for my cousin’s wedding and decided not to go because of the forecasted hurricane. A lot of my family went down prior to the hurricane warning so the ensuing days were spent liaising and worrying and watching the storm unfold. Everyone who traveled is okay thankfully, along with my family that still lives there. Grateful doesn’t even begin to cover it. Still, the road to recovery for Jamaica will be long and complicated.

• I had a very New York night with Carrie. We started at Away’s holiday party, where I had an incredible cocktail. On the way out we ran into Ellie the Elephant who has been busy in the offseason. From there, we met up with Alex at Eny’s afterparty to celebrate the opening of her solo show, A Soft Place to Land, at Hannah Traore Gallery, then we ended the night at Fish Cheeks. The meal was so good we kept texting each other the next day to say we were still thinking about the food. 10 out of 10.

• Went to Babe, my favorite queer wine event. Everyone there is beautiful. We met up with friends and I got drunker than I’ve been in many months. I blame Nicole because she bought two bottles of wine and we had to finish them. The night ended with us at a Chinese spot on the bottom floor of a mall in Downtown Brooklyn, passing around wine and having conversations I can’t recall.

• The next morning I was so hungover I was shaking. I had a session with my trainer so I took two Advil, drank a lot of water and slowly walked to the gym despite everything telling me to lay down. After I felt better, dare I say good, and now I’m wondering if we should all be in the gym the day after a night out.

• It’s finally cold enough for me to wear a hoodie around the house.

  

• I took the long way home on the subway because I like the transfer better, a reminder that I have free will.

• Signed up for AMC A-list so I can take myself to the movies once a week. Told Mel about it and she said she also enjoys a solo movie date, so we’ve decided to see the same movie in our respective cities within the same week and discuss it. A reminder we can always make new traditions.

Reading

Nothing to report here. I read most of one book and half of another, hopefully I finish those so I can come back in November with thoughts.

Watching

Watched less than usual, I been outside!

Law and Order: SVU - Watching this again from the top! Olivia and Stabler have this instant chemistry that flew over my head as a kid.

Coming to America - A classic film! This is about a prince who is encouraged to marry by his father, the king. Wanting to find his own wife he sets off to America to find his queen and ends up in Queens, New York. It’s such a fun movie. Eddie Murphy is great in this, as is Arsenio Hall. The colors are so stunning and I loved the costume design.

Idiocracy - This might be a documentary. Set far into the future, the world has become a trash heap and everything is corporatized and heavily surveilled. People have become so dumb they can barely speak in full sentences and are guided by impulse rather than logic. There’s some weird racialized undertones and a kind of pro-eugenics argument in this but there’s a broader idea that I think is useful—that idiocy begets idiocy and that a world shaped by anti-intellectualism will kill us all.

Supreme Team - I enjoyed this documentary about the Supreme Team, a Queens gang. Directed by Nas, it tracks the rise and fall of the crime syndicate, from local hustlers to a corporatized operation to their eventual demise. Watching this I learned so much about South Jamaica, Queens, how it went from a middle class suburb to a neighborhood characterized by violence, unrest and poverty. It was my first time learning of the murder of Clifford Glover, a ten-year old who was shot by a plainclothes police officer. Shocking no one, the officer was acquitted, which led to the residents rising up and seeking retribution. This had a huge impact on the young Black boys in the area, who saw Clifford and saw themselves. This included a young Prince and Preme, who would eventually turn to gang life. They were particularly violent, and even though they’d become legendary in the city, the community suffered the hands of the gang. The documentary also chronicled the evolution of policing, which went from the police being reticent to impinge on the drug operations to an all-out war. The big shift came with the election of Ed Koch, who declared a war on drugs after the murder of officer Edward Byrne, who was killed while on duty in South Jamaica. He created a new task force to dismantle drug operations in those neighborhoods, which on its face sounds benign but turned into a campaign of violence against many of the area’s Black youth. It was an early version of stop and frisk, which we know was largely racist and later deemed unconstitutional. It’s all connected! I scream into the void.

New Jack City - While watching Supreme Team I learned that New Jack City was based on Preme and Prince so I queued it up next. It’s about the Cash Money Brothers, a gang led by a duo of brothers, who have grown the operation into a multimillion dollar empire—much like the Supreme Team. It stars a young Chris Rock and Ice-T along with Wesley Snipes and Allen Payne. It was fine! It’s in the vein of movies like Belly, which I enjoy but don’t love like I love the romcoms of that era.

Shadow Force - In this action film, Kerry Washington plays an assassin who has abandoned her family to protect them from the shadowy government agency attempting to kill them. Her husband is played by Omar Sy and they have an adorable son who loves to sing the oldies. This was fine. I loved the chemistry between Method Man and Divine in this, I’d watch a romcom of them as a second chance divorced couple stuck on vacation with their kids in a heartbeat.

Murdaugh: Death in the Family - I watched the HBO documentary about this, so I know the beats, but I’ll watch whatever Patricia Arquette is doing so I’ve been tuning in. It’s interesting and well-done. Worthwhile for the true-crime heads.

Interview with the Vampire - I loved this when it first came out and fell off when season two came out. We decided to watch it after lamenting there was nothing on TV. I forgot how incredible it is. I can’t wait for season three.

Best Bites

• While in Arizona I discovered tiny, freeze dried marshmallows, the kind they put in those sachets of Swiss Miss. They taste like Lucky Charms marshmallows and are deeply addictive.

• My favorite slice is from New Park Pizza in Ozone Park. I love how doughy the crust is and the sauce to cheese ratio.

• Everything at Fish Cheeks but especially that crab fried rice

Wish List

• This UPF-protective sun shirt feels vaguely like something Altazurra or Dries would put out

• Black leather knee high boots with a pointed toe and a skinny heel. This runs counter to what’s feasible with my wide, flat foot, but a girl can dream.

• Ruched loafers. I like these Massimo Dutti ones and these from Tony Bianco because they have a teensy heel.

• A windbreaker. I love the color of this blue Lululemon one but really I want the Helsa one, which I saw on Bianca forever ago and loved.

• Staud has lots of cute stuff right now. This clutch! This dress! This dress too.

• A Queens Get the Money keychain

• A knit cardigan that zips

• An office chair

Expense report

• Ikea Aheim doors (I’m redecorating the bedroom)

• Paint samples

• This dress, which was served to me in an ad on Pinterest

• Glenn Ligon poster

• Tubular Pants from Everybody World, which have instantly become a favorite. Will likely buy another pair

• Lots of books, including

  • On Earth As It Is Beneath by Ana Paula Maria

  • Thereafter Johnnie by Carolivia Herron

  • Heart the Lover by Lily King