Before chivalry died, it took a few people with it. In the Middle Ages, the biggest killer of 18-35 males was honour. Life was cheap, and talk was costly. At the first ruffle of disrespect, a knight was letting the air out some windbag with the chivalrous end of his lance*. A medieval practice known as ‘chivving’, where manners were stabbed into people.

*What’s your favourite polearm? Vote below.

Today, the bar for chivalry is set so dirt-skimmingly low - any flailing numpty could trip and tumble over it. Gentlemanliness is, mostly, making a show of repositioning everyday items: open door, pull chair, carry bag. The only real prerequisites being hands.

In the era of removalist chivalry, blokes must prove their worth by man-handling cabin bags.

Modern man stands guard at the luggage carousel. He waits, like a salt-worn spearfishermen, fingers drumming against the void. The air stiff with the tension of unclaimed baggage. He knows he will only get this one opportunity. Neither his ego, nor his marriage, can take another slow spiral of the conveyor. He must reclaim her hold-all, he must reclaim her heart.

The last dying act of a latter-day knight is: fetching. After a second, slow pass, man faces his bafflement in the Tampax aisle. Bringing home not the pantyliner you want, but the pantyliner you need. Man once grunted the 12 miles home with a downed caribou spoiling-fast around his failing shoulders. Now he groans the 12 steps upstairs with a takeaway pizza cooling within his fat hands - but, for love, for honour, he finds a way.

Each act of doable heroism revives chivalry for another spluttering lap around the castle carpark. If you don’t love them enough to get off your lazy, courteousless arse, what’s the point?

If you liked this, check out

Are Men Today Pussies?

Why Men are Friends with Cunts?

Generation Limp Dick

Why Men have No Friends?