Feed

M. T. Anderson "O dear white children casual as birds, Playing among the ruined languages, So small beside their large confusing words, So gay against the greater silences Of dreadful things you did ..." from "Anthem for St. Cecilia s !ay," ". #. Auden

Part 1: moon your face is not an organ "e went to the moon to ha$e fun, but the moon turned out to com%letely suc&. "e went on a 'riday, because there was shit(all to do at home. )t was the beginning of s%ring brea&. *$erything at home was boring. +in& Arwa&er was li&e, ") m so null," and Marty was all, ") m null too, unit," but ) mean we were all %retty null, because for the last li&e hour we d been %laying with three uninsulated wires that were coming out of the wall. "e were trying to ride shoc&s off them. So Marty told us that there was this fun %lace for lo(gra$ on the moon. +o(gra$ can be &ind of stu%id, but this was su%%osed to be good. )t was called the ,icochet +ounge. "e thought we d go for a few days with some of the girls and stay at a hotel there and go dancing. "e flew u% and our feeds were burbling all sorts of things about where to stay and what to eat. )t sounded %retty fun, and at first there were lots of %ictures of dancing and %eo%le with rom%er(gills and metal wings, and ) was li&e, This will be big, really big, but then ) guess ) wasn t so s&i% when we were flying o$er the surface of the moon itself, because the moon was -ust li&e it always is, after your first few times there, when you get o$er being li&e, Whoa, unit! The moon! The goddamn moon! and instead there s -ust the roc&iness, and the suc&iness, and the craters all being full of old bro&en shit, li&e domes nobody s using anymore and wra%%ers and claws. The thing ) hate about s%ace is that you can feel how old and em%ty it is. ) don t &now if the others felt li&e ) felt, about s%ace. /ut ) thin& they did, because they all got louder. They all %ointed more, and s0uee1ed close to +in& s window. 2ou need the noise of your friends, in s%ace. ) feel real sorry for %eo%le who ha$e to tra$el by themsel$es. )n s%ace, that must suc&. "hen you re going %laces with other %eo%le, with this big grou%, e$eryone is leaning toward each other, and %eo%le are laughing and they re chatting, and things are great, and it s -ust li&e in a commercial for -eans, or something with nougat. To ma&e some noise, +in& started to mo$e his seat u% and bac& to whac& Marty s &nees. ) was li&e trying to slee% for the last few minutes of

the flight because there was nothing to see e3ce%t bro&en things in s%ace, and when we re going hard ) get real slee%y real easy, and ) didn t want to be null for the unettes on the moon, at the hotel, if any of them were youch. ) guess if ) m honest. Then ) was ho%ing to meet someone on the moon. Maybe %art of it was the loneliness of the craters, but ) was feeling li&e it was maybe time to hoo& u% with someone again, because it had been a cou%le months. At %arties, ) was starting to get real lonely, e$en when there were other %eo%le around me, and it s worse when you lea$e. Then there s that silence when you re dri$ing home alone in the u%car and there s nothing but the feed telling you, This is the music you heard. This is the music you missed. This is what is new. Listen. And it would be good to ha$e someone to download with. )t would be good to ha$e someone in the u%car with you, flying home with the lights underneath you, and the green faces of mothers that you can see halfway through the windows of dro%%ing $ans. As we flew across the surface of the moon, ) couldn t slee%. +in& was %laying with the seat li&e an asshole. #e was mo$ing it forward and bac&ward. Marty had dro%%ed his bird, these fa&e birds that were the big s%it and lots of %eo%le had them, and Marty s bird was floating off, because there was hardly any gra$ity, and whene$er he leaned out to get his bird, +in& would slam his seat bac& li&e meg hard and it would go bam on Marty s face, and they would start laughing. Marty would be all, "4nit5 6ust wait one " and +in& would be, "7o for it. Try5 Try it5" and Marty would be li&e, "4nit5 2ou are so5" And then they would be all big laughing and ) felt li&e a com%lete bones%roc&et for trying to slee% when there was fun. ) &e%t ho%ing the waitress lady would say something and ma&e them shut u% for a minute, but as soon as we got out of *arth s gra$itational 1one she had gone all gaga o$er the duty(free. ) didn t want to be slee%y and li&e all stu%id, but ) had been drin&ing %retty hard the night before and had been in mal and ) was feeling &ind of li&e shit. So it was not a good way to start this whole tri% to the moon, with the seat thum%ing on Marty s face, and him going, "4nit5 ) m trying to get my bird5" +in& was saying, "7o for it." Marty went, "+in&whac&er5 Shit5 2ou re li&e doing all this meg damage to my &nees and my face5" "8iss the chair. Puc&er u%." They both started laughing again. "O&ay" said Marty. "O&ay, -ust tell me which of my fric&in organs you re going to smash this time." "8ee% your tray in the u%right %osition." "+i&e what organ. 6ust tell me." "Those aren t organs." ""hat do you mean."

"2our face is not an organ." "My face is too an organ. )t s ali$e." "Omigod, is there enough o3ygen." said our friend Calista. "/ecause are you ha$ing some &ind of neuron death." ") m trying to slee%," +oga com%lained. She yawned. ") m flat(lining. Meg." Then there was this wham and Marty was all, "Oh, shit," holding on to his face, and ) sat u% and was li&e com%letely there was no ho%e of slee%ing with these morons doing rum%us on my armrest. The waitress came by and +in& sto%%ed and smiled at her and she was li&e, What a nice young man. That was because he %urchased li&e a slo%(buc&et of cologne from the duty( free.

Impact So ) was tired and %issy from the get(go. "hen we got off the shi%, our feeds were going fugue with all the banners. The hotels were -um%ing on each other, and there was bumff from li&e the casinos and mud slides and the gift sho%s and %laces where you could rent e3tra arms. ) was trying to tal& to +in&, but ) couldn t because ) was getting bannered so hard, and ) &e%t blin&ing and trying to wal& forward with my carry(on. ) can t hardly remember any of it. ) -ust remember that e$erything in the banners loo&ed goldy and s%ar&ling, but as we wal&ed down to the luggage, all the air $ents were strea&ed with blac&. The whole time was li&e that. The moon went on and on. )t was me and Marty and +in& and Calista and +oga and 9uendy The three girls had one room at the hotel, and the three of us boys had another room. There were a lot of %eo%le there for the brea&, and &ids were all lea%ing u% and down the halls and ma&ing their $oices echo. )t was a %retty crummy hotel, and there weren t enough sheets, and there was hardly any gra$ity, and no one had a fa&e )! so they %ut a loc& on the minibar. ) was li&e, "This is a crummy hotel," but Marty was all, "4nit, this is where ) stayed last time. )t s li&e meg chea%, and all the staff are made from a crystalline substance." Our feeds were clear again from all the moon banners, so for a long time we all watched the football game while the girls, they did something else on the feed. They were chatting each other and we couldn t hear them, but they &e%t laughing and touching each other s faces. ) wanted to go to slee%, but e$ery time ) tried, bam! +in& and Marty would suddenly go all fission on me, saying, "Titus5 !id you fuc&in see that. !id you see #emmacher." ) tried to tell myself that being here was not re: slee%ing but re: being with your friends and doing great stuff. ) tried to concentrate on all the stimulus, and the fun, all of it. There was not always too good fun, though. "e ordered some fancy nutrient );s from room ser$ice but they ga$e us all headaches, and we went out to this %lace that Marty said ser$ed the best electrolyte chun&ies but it had closed a year before. )t was dinnertime, so we had dinner at a 6. P. /arnigan s 'amily *3tra$agan1a, which was %retty good, and -ust li&e the one at home. "e got some %otato s&ins for a%%eti1ers. )t was at least good to get out of the hotel, because most of the rest of the city had %retty good artificial gra$ity, so if you dro%%ed things, at least they fuc&in fell. )t was almost li&e normal, which is how ) li&e it. Then we went bac& to the hotel. There were %arties there, but it was mostly college &ids. 4sually we can get in, because me and +in& and Marty

and Calista, we can turn on the charm. Calista is blond and she can do this sorority(girl ice(%rincess thing, which she does with her $oice and her shoulder blades, which ma&es %eo%le thin& she s older than she is and really im%ortant. +in& is tall and buttugly and really rich, that &ind of old rich that s li&e radiation, so that it s always going deet deet deet deet in in$isible wa$es and %eo%le are suddenly li&e, "4nit5 #ey5 4nit5" and they want to be guys with him. Marty, his thing is that he s good at li&e anything, any game, and ) -ust stand there silent and act cool, and we re this trio, the three of us guys, being li&e, total guys, which usually ma&es %eo%le let us in and gi$e us beer. That didn t wor& this time. "e tried to get in and we were standing in the doorway and they were all, ""ho the hell are you." "e loo&ed at oursel$es. "e all loo&ed &ind of bad. "e loo&ed tired and slee%y, and e$en though we re all %retty good(loo&ing, e3ce%t +in&, we were all %ale and our hair was greasy. "e had the lesions that %eo%le were getting, and ours right then were &ind of red and wet(loo&ing. lin& had a lesion on his -aw, and ) had lesions on my arm and on my side. 9uendy had a lesion on her forehead. )n the lights of the hallway you could see them real good. There are different &inds of lesions, ) mean, there are lesions and lesions, but somehow our lesions, in this case, seemed li&e &id stuff. +ater after some showers we went to the ,icochet +ounge. )t was $ery lo(gra$<no( gra$, and it was all about whamming one %erson into another in big stuffed suits. The %lace had been hi%, li&e, a year and a half ago. The slogan was "Slam the Ones 2ou +o$e5" =ow the %lace -ust loo&ed old and sad. The walls were all mar&ed u% from %eo%le hitting them. *$en with his im%act helmet on, +in& stood out. #e s much taller than anyone else, because he s %art of a secret %atriotic e3%eriment. )n the low gra$ity, his arms seemed li&e they were e$erywhere. #e swung them around and s%un. ) was being a little careful when ) ran into other %eo%le, because of the arm lesion. )t had bro&e o%en and it was oo1ing. Still, it was %retty fun at first, launching oursel$es off the walls and going li&e $$$$$$$$$$$$$ and hitting other %eo%le and wrestling while floating to the floor. ) was watching +oga real close. She and ) had gone out about si3 months before, until we had this big argument. Then it was this big thing. She was li&e, I never want to see you again, and ) was li&e, Fine. Okay? Fine. Then get some s ecial goggles. /ut now we were friends, which was good. ) thin& it s always really lim%, when guys can t tal& to girls they went out with. Plus, ) was thin&ing that maybe +oga and ) could hoo& u% again, if we didn t find anyone else, li&e on the moon or whate$. ) didn t ha$e a thing for Calista or 9uendy or e$en com%letely a thing >anymore? for +oga. /ut ) was watching +in& slamming into them, and

when he slammed, it said that he and the girls all &new what each other s bodies would be li&e, and that was %art of the game. ) was unha%%y because +oga and ) had been a diad, and now when ) ran into her at high s%eeds it wasn t anything li&e when +in& ran into her at high s%eeds. ) thought she and ) should ha$e a little secret way of collision. /ut usually we sailed right %ast each other. Marty, who can do anything good, he was off in a corner doing these gymnastics in midair. #e had a ball and he was somehow &ic&ing it in a circle so it came bac& to his foot. +in& said, "O$er here," and Marty %o%%ed the ball to him, and he &ic&ed it to me. 'or a while we %layed a game with the ball, and we were twirling all o$er the %lace, and we were li&e, what it s called when you s&im really close o$er the surface of something, we were that to the floor, with our arms out, but of course Marty started winning all the time, and +in&, who doesn t li&e to lose, was li&e, "This is null. This suc&s." "Pass," said Marty. ""hat s fuc&in doing." "That this %lace suc&s," said +in&. Marty said, "7i$e it a chance, unit." /ut +in& was li&e, "=o. Play by yourself. Play with yourself," and suddenly e$erything seemed really stu%id. And then ) saw someone watching. ) wasn t glad. ) loo&ed again. She was the most beautiful girl, li&e, e$er. She was watching our stu%idity. There was a $al$e that led into the food bar. She was in the $al$e. She had her crash helmet under her arm. She had this short blond hair. #er face, it was li&e, ) don t &now, it was beautiful. )t -ust, it wasn t the way) guess it wasn t -ust the way it loo&ed li&e, but also how she was standing. "ith her arm. ) -ust stared at her. ) was getting some meg feed on the food bar and the %ot stic&ers were really chea%. ) stood there wondering what it was that made her so beautiful. She was loo&ing at us li&e we were shit. #er s%ine. Maybe it was her s%ine. Maybe it wasn t her face. #er s%ine was, ) didn t &now the word. #er s%ine was li&e.... The feed suggested "su%%le."

... attracted to its ower!ul T""!ermion li!t with vertical rise o! !i!ty !eet er secondand i! you like com!ort, #uality, and class, the su le u holstery and ergonomically designed dash will leave you something like hysterical. $ut the best thing about it is the !inancingat %&.'().*.+ ooo ... only on , orts-.o/0take a man, take a gas sled, take a chlorine storm on 1u iter0 and boys, it2s time to s it into the wind with ale/ neetham, the hardest, hi est, hy est... ooo .. . month2s summer styles, and the word on the street is 3s#ueaky.3... ooo .. . their hit single 3$ad 4e, $ad 5ou36 3I like you so had )nd you like me so bad. We are so bad It would be bad I! we did not get together, baby, $ad baby, $ad, bad baby. 4eg bad.3... ooo ... 7ostess M s )merican Family +estaurants. Where time seems to sto while you chew. 8 ooo

juice ) followed her when ) could. She was sitting in the snac& bar now, with her bac& to the $al$e. She was all cli%%ed into the seat so she wouldn t float away if she -er&ed. ) bought a snac&. )t was chocolate mousse in a tube. ) hung on to the counter with one hand. ) watched her through my underarm. She was sitting there, with her slamsuit off now and in a bundle. #er helmet was on a hoo& ne3t to her. ) too& a slug of tube mousse. ) loo&ed bac& o$er at her. She was wearing a dress of gray wool. )t wasn t %lastic, and the light didn t reflect off it. "ool. 7ray wool. /lac& stoc&ings. #er shoulders were li&e, all bent in, as if she didn t want anyone to be loo&ing at her. She was -ust sitting, cli%%ed in. The others came through the $al$e behind me. ) &e%t my head low. ) didn t want them to be li&e, 7ey, unit, hey, hey, Titus, what2s doin? and then she d loo& at me. She would be disturbed. +uc&ily, they came in and immediately +in& and Marty started doing these gymnastics, and they got in trouble, so ) could stay watching her without them being a mob on me. This guy, he was from the club, he was yelling at them because they &e%t bouncing in the snac& bar, which was off(bounds for still bouncing. /ehind the girl in gray was a big window and you could see we were in a bubble way high u% o$er the moon. !own on the ground, tourists were riding big %roteins across the craters. All the stars were out. The guy was still yelling at the others o$er by the $al$e. #e was all, da da da be removed !rom the remises, da da da, e/ ress instructions, da da. ) lowered my head, and turned it toward the girl in gray. "hen she thought no one was loo&ing, she o%ened her mouth. Something trembled there. 6uice. She had filled her mouth with -uice. 9a da da, liability, da da da, think you2re doing. ) shifted. ) watched the -uice. 'or her own amusement, she was letting it go, gentle and se3y. She -ust o%ened her mouth and %ushed it out with her tongue. The -uice came out of her li%s as if it was being e3tracted real careful by a roc&( star dentist who she lo$ed. #er eyes were barely o%en, and it came out in lo( gra$<no(gra$ as a beautiful %ur%le wobble.

)t hung in front of her, her -uice. )t stayed inches from her face. #er tongue was close behind it, %erched in the air li&e a %in& slug gargoyle. "ith her eyes almost shut, she watched traces on the drin& s round surface swirl.

the nose grid +in& whis%ered at my side, "This so big suc&s." "This %lace doesn t suc&," said Marty. ")t s good." "Maybe," said Calista, "if there were certain %eo%le who didn t go -um%ing on %eo%le s heads near the snac& bar, if there weren t those %eo%le, then maybe we wouldn t all be standing here ha$ing a big shame ban0uet." Marty was getting angry that e$eryone was li&e turding on his recommendation, and ) -ust wanted them all to shut u% somehow, ) mean nicely, because suddenly ) reali1ed that we didn t really sound too smart. )f someone o$erheard us, li&e that girl, they might thin& we were dumb. ) was %laying with the magnets on my boots and trying not to loo& at her. ) didn t want her to feel my eyes before ) made my mo$e. ) was careful. 9uendy and +oga went off to the bathroom because hairstyles had changed. Marty drifted around and made slit(eyes at +in&. +in& and ) were chatting about the girl, li&e ) was going, ,he is meg youch, and he was going, What the hell2s she wearing?, and ) was going, Wool. It2s wool. Like !rom an animal, and then Calista did her own chat to us, which was, I! you want to hear about an animal, what about two guys staring with their mouths wide o en so they look com letely :ro-4agnon? That shut us u%, and we stared out the window. "ra%%ers were turning through s%ace li&e birds. 9uendy came bac& from the bathroom and said, "Omi(god5 +i&e big than&s to e$eryone for not telling me that my lesion is li&e meg com%letely s%reading." "#on," said Calista, "it s not s%reading." "Omigod5 )t is going to be li&e larger than my whole head5 ) am going to need a hat -ust to ha$e all this lesion. )t will li&e go onto the brim." "*3ercise the breath," said +in&. "=obody cares about a stu%id lesion." "#ow can you not." said 9uendy. ")t s huge, and it s right on my forehead. )t s li&e bonnnng!3 She trembled her hands around the lesion li&e it was a &ind of lesion gong. +oga went, "=o one will notice." ")f they don t &now you," Marty said, "they re not going to &now what you normally loo& li&e." "Oh, so they thin& that usually my li&e forehead is li&e wee%ing." "As& her," said +in&. #e %ointed to the girl in gray.

#e said, "Miss, ) wonder if you would, could you loo& at this girl and tell me if you notice anything." The girl turned around and loo&ed at 9uendy. She said, "The lesion isn t bad." 9uendy s hands were out in a lease. "2ou saw it5 See. +i&e, how far is the air loc&." #on," said Calista. "+isten to the girl." The girl said, ") $e been thin&ing, because of my nec&." The girl s lesion was beautiful. )t was li&e a nec&lace. A red cho&er. "The face," said the girl, "is a grid. The two big imaginary lines are one down the center of the face and one -ust across the to% of the chee&s. This is my theory, anyway. The nose is where those lines intersect. The more a lesion interferes with those lines, the more noticeable it is. See, the hardest lesion to carry off is one on the nose itself. )n your case, you ha$e this lesion which is entirely on the edge of this one 0uadrant. That s not going to matter. )t s not on a line." She undi%%ed herself and reached u% with both her hands and touched her thumbs together, and made football goal%osts around 9uendy s face. "'raming. See. 2our lesion, it s on the edge of your face, so it !rames your face. )t draws attention to your face. The good grid. See, you ha$e this great grid. ) m %robably saying way too much." "e were all &ind of stunned. "2eah," said Calista, sounding confused. "She s right. )t -ust frames your face." The girl in gray touched her own lesion with a na%&in. She said, ") want mine to go all the way around. ) want it to be li&e a nec&lace, but right now, it s -ust a tor0ue." "e were all -ust &ind of staring at her li&e she was an alien. She smiled. "e &e%t staring at her. "There are times you -ust want to sin& through the floor," she said, "but then you reali1e there s no air out there." "#ey," said Marty. ") got a lesion on my foot. 2ou want to see it." She smiled sweetly. "=o, not really," she said. +in& %ointed at his face and was li&e, "#ey, what about my lesion. +oo& at this %u%%y. )t bleeds sometimes. 2ou li&e this." She smir&ed. "Oh, mmm(hm," she said. "2ou %ut the su%%er bac& in su%%uration. " +in& thought that was hilarious. Of course, he didn t ha$e any idea what the hell she was tal&ing about either, but he started laughing while the rest of us were still loo&ing u% "su%%uration" on the feed *nglish(to(*nglish wordboo&.

She was now com%letely youch on all of our meters, e3ce%t with the girls, who ) could tell had started to chat each other li&e some ants after someone s buried a missionary ali$e in the middle of their hill. On the one hand, ) thought she was the most ama1ing %erson ) had e$er seen in my life, e$en if she was weird as shit. On the other hand, ) was %retty disa%%ointed she was s&ee1ing this se3y tal& with +in& Arwa&er, who women for some reason always go for, in s%ite of the fact that he s a meg asshole to them, for e3am%le a slur%y 0uestion about, "Oh, what about my lesion. +et s tal& more about me and my @%en sores." Marty was trying to ma&e u% lost ground by saying, "Maybe you could change the bandages on my foot," but that was clearly -ust disgusting to e$eryone. "e were all li&e, "4nit, no one wants to see your damn foot," and, "6esus, Marty unit, stow the mess(hole." +in& was as&ing her, ""ho are you. "here do you come from." And then she loo&ed at me. 6ust at me, and ) &new she was wondering what ) thought about the guys and seducti$eness and s&ee1e and all. She was waiting for me to say something, to see if ) was going to s&ee1e li&e Marty and +in&. ) wondered whether she wanted me to s&ee1e. She seemed really smart from what she said, and she was %retty, and ) was still thin&ing about that globe of -uice floating in front of her face. ) was still thin&ing about the beauty of how that -uice had been born delicately from her li%s, how it had been born whole, and how her tongue stood there afterward to see the -uice ma&e its trembling %rogress into the world. /ut ) had nothing to say. She and the girls s%ent the rest of the hour fi3ing 9uendy s hair to li&e showcase the lesion. 4sually, 9uendy is -ust li&e a &ind of bro&en, little economy model of Calista, and she &nows that, and feels real bad about it. /ut when this girl hel%ed her, it wasn t li&e that. 9uendy was the center of e$eryone for a long time. That was why ) &e%t loo&ing at the girl in gray, and started to want, more than anything else that night, to be with her.

... based on the true story o! a clone !ighting to save her own liver !rom the cruel and ruthless original who2s !arming her !or organs. 3;ature ... $s. ;urture.3 ) *rimus rime-time !eedcast event. )mage of a girl wee%ing on a courtroom floor. 3I am not <irl ;umber Two! *lease, =udge , ande/! I2m also ;umber One! I2m not a roduct, but a erson!3 )mage of a girl holding a blaster to a twin s tem%le. 3+emember, bitch. 5ou can2t s ell 2danger3 without 9;).3 /lam. ooo .. .the cola with the re!reshing taste o! citrus and butter... ooo . an adventure in slouching.. . ooo :alculon. ;ew solutions !or... ooo

the moon is in the house of boring She was on the moon all alone. #ere it was, s%ring brea&, and she was on the moon, where there was all this meg action, and she was there without friends. She said she -ust wal&ed through the crowds and watched, and she saw all these great things that way. She said she was there to obser$e. There were crowds in the domes at night, s%raying 7atorade from hoses, and all these college guys without shirts lifting their arms. There was a beetle that wal&ed through the lanes and ga$e out %ri1es, which seemed really good, but she said that really, the %ri1es, they were &ind of shitty when you loo&ed at them close(u%, because sometimes %arts weren t included. She saw %ools filled with foam. #er name was ;iolet. "e as&ed her to come with us. "e wanted to go to slee% by then, but we were on the moon, e$en if it suc&ed, and it was s%ring brea&, you &now, with the action, so there was no way we were admitting we wanted to go to slee%. "e told her we were thin&ing about going to some club called the ,umble S%ot that we d heard about on the feed. ") don t &now," she said. /ut ) was li&e, "2ou got to go. 2ou can go and, you &now, obser$e." Marty said, ")t will be a, a, you &now, fuc&in , it will. . ." #e &ind of wiggled his hand. "Since you %ut it that way," she said, &ind of fresh. Calista laughed. Suddenly ) &new Calista was either going to lo$e her or hate her. After we were wal&ing for a few minutes, it was, on the scale, maybe closer to hate, because Marty and +in& and ) were all wal&ing around ;iolet and as&ing her all these 0uestions, and she was as&ing us stuff, and we were telling her, and ) don t thin& the other girls really were too s&i% about wal&ing behind us. +in& said he wanted to get cran&ed before we went, and he said was there any %lace where we could drin& without )!s. Marty said he &new of this one %lace, which was called Sombrero !ot, and he went there before with his cousin. #e said it wasn t too out(of(the(way. "e got there and it had been torn down. They had built a %retty nice stucco mall there, so +oga and 9uendy said we should go in and buy some cool stuff to go out in. That seemed good to us. ) wanted to buy some things but ) didn t &now what they were. After we wal&ed around for a while, e$erything seemed &ind of sad and boring so we couldn t tell anymore what we wanted. Our feeds tried to hel%, and as we were wal&ing around we were

getting all the %rices of things, but really the only thing that ) wanted to get was a %air of infrared &nee bands, and ) could get better ones off the feed, and ha$e them sent to my house, than in the stu%id %hysical moon stores. 9uendy bought some shoes, but the minute she wal&ed out of the store she didn t li&e them anymore. Marty couldn t thin& of anything he wanted, so he ordered this really null shirt. #e said it was so null it was li&e ordering nothing. =ow it was e$en later and we wanted to go to the club, but we hadn t got drun& yet, so +in& said maybe we could ta&e a cab to the hotel and brea& into the minibar. As we were dri$ing through the tube streets, there was all of this commotion because of the %rotests about the moon. There were all these &ids, what my dad calls *uro( trash, and they were standing in the middle of the s0uare and broadcasting to e$eryone all these slogans, and it was hard not to recei$e, because they were so angry, but the cab dro$e right by them, and they didn t sto% us. They were %rotesting all these things, some of them e$en were %rotesting the feed. They were li&e shouting, "Chi% in my head. ) m better off dead5 Chi% in my head. ) m better off dead5" +oga rolled her eyes and was li&e, "Omigod." "e got bac& to the hotel. 8ids were running down the halls with their fa&e birds. The fa&e birds were still in style. )t was stu%id, because the birds didn t e$en fly or sing or anything. "e went to the girls bedroom and started to assault the minibar. ) wanted to brea& it o%en 0uic&ly, because ;iolet was loo&ing li&e she wasn t ha$ing fun. She was sitting all stiff on the bed. "6ust a sec," ) said. She nodded, but it was &ind of %olite. Calista was whis%ering to +in&, ""hat s her %roblem." "e tried the minibar first with a comb, then with &ic&ing. "e threw it against the wall, which wasn t as hard to do with almost no gra$ity. "2ou bro&e off a. . .a thing," said Marty. "2ou bro&e off a fuc&in thing." "A caster," ) said. "Caster," said +in&, %ointing at my nose. "7ood one."

2ou &now your brea& suc&s when the most brag %art of the night is you coming u% with the word "caster." ;iolet was was -ust sitting on the bed, %laying with her thumb. #er shoulders were droo%y and her feet were turned in. )n fact, all the girls loo&ed &ind of on sus%end. Calista and +oga were staring into s%ace, watching something on the feed. "'uc&," said +in&, &ic&ing the minibar. ") want to get weasel(faced." "There s no way you re getting weasel(faced," ) said. "+et s -ust go." Marty was li&e, ""e could malfunction." "Oh, god," said +oga and 9uendy rolling their eyes. ;iolet loo&ed real uncomfortable now. )t was %retty ob$ious she really didn t want to be with us. +in& loo&ed around at the girls faces. ""hat s the %roblem." he said. "!ro% it, +in&," ) said. ""e re not going in mal." ") heard about this great site called +obe(reamer. *ighty(fi$e buc&s, one clic&, and we ll be com%letely ra&ed for an hour and a half. "e won t &now which way s u%. That s big, big scrambled, for chea%." "4nit5" said Marty. ""e re fuc&in there5" +in& said, "O&ay. +et s ..." "!ro% it, units," ) said. "=o one wants to be fuguing." "Am ) no one." said +in&. Calista was li&e, "Are you as&ing in terms of se3 a%%eal." "Ow5" Marty said. +in& said, "Shut u%, Marty." Calista chatted all of us guys, 9on2t like ush this. >s ecially because the girl is meg un-into it. +in& was li&e, Lobe-reamer. Lobe-reamer! 9o those words mean nothing to you? $rake, Link. $rake and u grade. There was no way he was getting lobotomi1ed or weasel(faced, so we -ust went o$er to the ,umble S%ot un(slammed. )t was their 2outh in Action night, so we could get in. )t was meg big big loud. There was e$erything there. There was about a million %eo%le it

seemed, and lights, and the beat was roc&ing the moon. There was a band hung by their arms and their legs from the ceiling, and there was girders and floating units going u% and down, and these meg youch late3 ri%%lechic&s dancing on the bar, and there were all these frat guys that were wearing these, unit, they were fuc&in brag, they were wearing these tachyon shorts so you couldn t barely loo& at them, which were ABCD.DD according to the feed, and they were on sale for li&e AEDD at the Fone, and could be shi%%ed to the hotel for an additional ABC.DG, and that was -ust one great thing that %eo%le were wearing. "hen ) loo&ed around, ) wanted so much, that all of the %rices were coming into my brain, and it was bam bam bam, li&e fugue(-oy, and +oga and 9uendy and Calista were already out on the dance floor, and my feed was li&e going fried, going things about the dance and %ictures they were feedflinging across the dance floor of %eo%le on fire doing the mo$es. ;iolet was screaming to me. ) couldn t hear a thing. She was li&e, 39a da da? 9a da!3 ) was li&e, ""hat." She chatted me, This is a scene. ) was li&e, 9on2t you dance? ;ot really. )re these all college kids? I bet most o! them. Look at the guy in the, you know, that thing. The neck bat? $ow tie. $ow tie. #e was maybe a hundred or so, dancing with the ri%%lechic&s, a man in a dirty old tweed -ac&et, and he had this long white hair that loo&ed &ind of yellow, and his eyes were wide, li&e he was in mal, but ) m not sure he was in mal. #e &e%t on stic&ing his thumbs u% in the air. And then they turned off the artificial gra$ity and we all went bounding accidentally, and it was li&e %eo%le cruising %ast each other with their nec&s &in&ed, and ;iolet grabbed on to my arm, and

now ) was thin&ing that e$en though she loo&ed really uncomfortable, and li&e she was watching some &ind of bugs in an e3%eriment, it wasn t so bad being a bug as long as she grabbed on to my arm, so ) said, 9on2t worry. We2ll dri!t down. ,orry, she chatted. ;o wrong, ) said. ,eally. ) didn2t mean to grab you. ;o wrong. ) %ut my hand o$er her hand on my arm, and then she smiled and too& her hand out from under my hand, and by that time we d come down again, and were bending our &nees. The guy with the tweed -ac&et had on a -etbelt, and he was flying around near the ceiling. 5ou don2t look like you2re having !un, ) chatted to her. I will. When? I2m not used to this. What do you do !or !un? When? ;ormally. I haven2t been on the moon be!ore. I mean, anywhere. What do you do? The man with the bow tie was standing near us. #e was trying to tal& to +in& by cran&ing +in& s head around and shouting into his ear. +in& was bac&ing away. )re you having a good time? she as&ed. The moon really isn2t working out, ) said. ;e/t time, maybe you should try 4ars. 5eah, I2ve been to 4ars, ) said. It was dumb. Suddenly, she laughed. )re you serious? 5eah, I2m serious. Omigod, she said. 4ars is a whole lanet. )nd it2s dumb! She was li&e, 9umb? She was starting to %iss me off. ) said, 5es, dumb. The whole world? 9umb. The whole world.

9umb. Oh, this is golden. The +ed *lanet was a iece o! shit. I don2t believe you couldbut ) couldn t recei$e any more of her chat because our feeds were s%i&ing, and the music was getting louder, with the band singing ") ll Se3 2ou )n," and ) saw her folding her arms li&e she didn t li&e me, and ) didn t li&e her, and e$eryone was %ulsing, e$en the old guy, and e$eryone was ho%%ing, and they were scatterfeeding %ictures across the floor: tribal dances, stuff with gourds, salsa, houses under brea&ing dams, women grinning, women oiling men with their fingerti%s, women ta&ing out their teeth, girls stomachs, boys cal$es, roc&ets from old "mo$ies" flaring, bi&ini to%s, fingers cree%ing into nostrils, silos, sunsand the old man was standing by our side, and trying to yell, but we couldn t hear him, so he leaned closer, and said to us, to Marty and ;iolet and now +in& and me, he said, yelled, more li&e, he yelled: ""e enter a time of calamity5" "e stared. ""e enter a time of calamity5" "e tried to bac& u%, all of us e3ce%t ;iolet, who was confused, and +in& was saying, "This unit, he s li&e com%letely fuguing. #e has this" ""e enter a time of calamity5 "e enter a time of calamity5" The old man reached out and, with a metal handle, touched me on the nec&. Suddenly, ) could feel myself broadcasting. ) was broadcasting across the scatterfeed, going, hel%lessly, We enter a time o! calamity! We enter a time o! calamity! ) couldn t sto%. And he had touched ;iolet now, and +in&, and Marty, and from all of them, it was coming, We enter a time o! calamity! We enter a time o! calamity! And now ) could feel that it was coming from other %laces, too, other %eo%le he had touched, and Marty was trying to say that he d ne$er had this before, it was &ind of cool, but he couldn t because

his signal was -ammed -ust with that, o$er and o$er again, all of us in a chorus, going, We enter a time o! calamity! We enter a time o! calamity! and %eo%le were turning toward us. Peo%le were loo&ing. "e were standing in a line and the old guy was standing in front of us. Peo%le were mo$ing away. The %olice were coming. ) could see them. ) couldn t really mo$e much. ) felt a &ind of &ic&ing in my face and ) disco$ered it was my mouth, which was saying the time of calamity thing, but at the to% of my lungs. "e were shouting, we were broadcasting, and then o$er us all, as the co%s came through the crowd, the guy started this cra1y calling, both out loud and on the feed, this cra1y calling o$er it all, o$er our chorus, and it went: ""e enter a time o! calamity. $lood on the tarmac. 'ingers in the 1uicer. Towers o! air !ro?en in the lunar wastes. Models dead on the runways, with their legs !acing backward. :hildren with smiles that can2t be undone. :hicken shall rot in the aisles. ,ee the illars !all.3 "hile we said, again and again, 3We enter a time o! calamity. We enter a time o! calamity,3 and others in the room said it, too, and ;iolet loo&ed as scared as me, and ) tried to ta&e her hand, and she tried to ta&e mine, and the %olice were by our side, hitting the man o$er the head again and again with stunners and stic&s, and he fell on one &nee, and finally my fingers found her wrist, ;iolet s. )t felt so soft, li&e something ) had ne$er felt before. )t felt li&e the nec& of a swan in the wind. And then the %olice were at our sides, whis%ering to us, ""e re going to ha$e to shut you off now "e re going to ha$e to shut you off." And then they touched us, and bodies fell, and there was nothing else. ... It2s dance. It2s dance, dance, dance. That2s !un. Fun2s !un, and !un2s what you can have. There2s nothing to sto you !rom !un. 9o you see the bodies? :an you smell the beat? Then you2ll

come and roar with us. :ome and throw your boots at su erstars. :ome thrash in the cool until your head o ens u , and you see the veins o! the eo le you love bright as branches against the sky, and burnt in your brain will be the !un, all o! the !un, and the lights, and the 9o ler !ade o! screaming you heard at the ,umble , ot. The +umble , ot. The +umble , ot6 an ocean o! chaos in the ,ea o! Tran#uillity. ooo )mages of Co&e falling in ri$ulets down chiseled mountainsidesH children being held toward the sunH blades slicing grassH a hand, a hand e3tended toward the lemonade li&e 7od s at CreationH boys in 7a% tees shot from a roc&etH more lining u% with tin helmetsH =i&e gra$( gear %lunging into MontanaH a choir of 6amaican girls dressed in %inafores and stra%(on solar cellsH dry cleaners ironing the chee& %rostheses of the richH friends clutching at birds made of alloysH law %artners -um%ing fencesH snowH altitudeH tearsH hugsH night. ooo Part 2 eden awake The first thing ) felt was no credit. ) tried to touch my credit, but there was nothing there. )t felt li&e ) was in a little room. My body) was in a bed, on to% of my arm, which was aslee%, but ) didn t &now where. ) couldn t find the +unar 7PS to tell me. Someone had left a message in my head, which ) found, and then &e%t finding e$erywhere ) went, which said that there was no transmission signal, that ) was currently disconnected from feednet. ) tried to chat +in& and then Marty, but nothing, there was no transmission signal, ) was currently disconnected from feednet, of course, and ) was starting to get scared, so ) tried to chat my %arents, ) tried to chat them on *arth, but there was no transmission etc., ) was currently etc.

So ) o%ened my eyes. college try "=othing," she said. ) had gotten u% and was sitting on a chair beside her. "e were in a hos%ital. "e too& u% a ward. +in& was still aslee%. =urses went by. ) said, ") can t see anything. Through the feed." "=o," she said. "Or through my hos%ital gown. So sto% trying." ) smiled. "2ou &now, ) thought maybe ..." "Sure you did. "ant some a%%le -uice." "e d been u% for fifteen or twenty minutes. *$erything in my head was 0uiet. )t was fuc&ed. ""hat do we do." she as&ed. ) didn t &now. Boring There was nothing there but the walls. "e loo&ed at them, and at each other. "e loo&ed really s0uelch. Our hair and stuff. "e had remote relays attached to us to watch our blood and our brains. There were fi$e walls, because the room was irregular. One of them had a %icture of a boat on it. The boat was on a %ond or maybe la&e. ) couldn t find anything interesting about that %icture at all. There was nothing that was about to ha%%en or had -ust ha%%ened. ) couldn t figure out e$en the littlest reason to %aint a %icture li&e that. still boring Our %arents had been notified while we were aslee%. Only +oga hadn t been touched by the hac&er. She hadn t let him touch her, because he loo&ed really cree%y to her, so she stood way far away. There were also others, %eo%le we d ne$er met, who had been touched, and they were in the wards, too. #e had touched thirteen %eo%le in all. There was a %olice officer there, waiting in a chair. #e told us that we would be off(line for a while, until they could see what had been done, and chec& for $iruses, and decry%t the feed history to get information to use against the guy in court. They said that they had identified him, and that he was a hac&er and a naysayer of the worst &ind.

"e were frightened, and &e%t touching our heads. Suddenly, our heads felt real em%ty. At least in the hos%ital they had better gra$ity than the hotel. missing the feed ) missed the feed. ) don t &now when they first had feeds. +i&e maybe, fifty or a hundred years ago. /efore that, they had to use their hands and their eyes. Com%uters were all outside the body. They carried them around outside of them, in their hands, li&e if you carried your lungs in a briefcase and o%ened it to breathe. Peo%le were really e3cited when they first came out with feeds. )t was all da da da, this big educational thing, da da da, your child will have the advantage, encyclo edias at their !ingerti s, closer than their !ingerti s, etc. That s one of the great things about the feed that you can be su%ersmart without e$er wor&ing. *$eryone is su%ersmart now. 2ou can loo& things u% automatic, li&e science and history, li&e if you want to &now which battles of the Ci$il "ar 7eorge "ashington fought in and shit. )t s more now, it s not so much about the educational stuff but more regarding the fact that e$erything that goes on, goes on on the feed. All of the feedcasts and the instant news, that s on there, so there s all the entertainment ) was missing without a feed, li&e the girls were all missing their fa$orite feedcast, this show called Oh? Wow! Thing! which has all these &ids li&e us who do stuff but get all %outy, which is what the girls go cra1y for, the %outiness. /ut the braggest thing about the feed, the thing that made it really big, is that it &nows e$erything you want and ho%e for, sometimes before you e$en &now what those things are. )t can tell you how to get them, and hel% you ma&e buying decisions that are hard. *$erything we thin& and feel is ta&en in by the cor%orations, mainly by data ones li&e 'eedlin& and On'eed and American 'eed(ware, and

they ma&e a s%ecial %rofile, one that s &eyed -ust to you, and then they gi$e it to their branch com%anies, or other com%anies buy them, and they can get to &now what it is we need, so all you ha$e to do is want something and there s a chance it will be yours. Of course, e$eryone is li&e, da da da, evil cor orations, oh they2re so bad, we all say that, and we all &now they control e$erything. ) mean, it s not great, because who &nows what e$il shit they re u% to. *$eryone feels bad about that. /ut they re the only way to get all this stuff, and it s no good getting %issy about it, because they re still going to control e$erything whether you li&e it or not. Plus, they &ee% li&e e$eryone in the world em%loyed, so it s not li&e we could do without them. And it s really great to &now e$erything about e$erything whene$er we want, to ha$e it -ust li&e, in our brain, -ust sitting there. )n fact, the thing that made me %issy was when they couldn t hel% me at all, so ) was -ust lying there, and couldn t %lay any of the games on the feed, and couldn t chat anyone, and ) couldn t do a fuc&in thing e3ce%t loo& at that stu%id boat %ainting, which was e$en worse, because now ) saw that there was no one on the boat, which was e$en more stu%id, and was &ind of how ) felt, that the sails were u%, and the rudder was, well, whate$er rudders are, but there was no one on board to loo& at the hori1on. cache & carry ) had a few %ages cached, from right before the feed sto%%ed. ) fli%%ed through them sadly. ) went bac& and forth between them. One was a message from the cra1y asshole, which said, 5ou have been hacked by the :oalition o! *ity. The other was a good sale at "eatherbee I Crotch, which, by this time, ) had %robably missed. )t was too bad, because ) would ha$e li&ed to ha$e been able to ta&e the o%%ortunity to chec& out these great bargains, for e3am%le they had a trim( shirt with side %oc&ets that

) thought ) %robably would ha$e bought, e3ce%t it only came in sand, %ersimmon, and $etch. night and boring )t was Saturday night. The main lights were out. )t had been a day since any of us had heard from the feed. Our %arents were %robably already on the moon, and were coming to the hos%ital the ne3t morning. 'or most of the day since we wo&e u% after the attac&, we had stared at the walls. "e d been sitting in our beds, and we ta%%ed our feet on the rails. =one of us could get the tune of ") ll Se3 2ou )n" out of our heads. Someone &e%t starting it u%, and then the others would swear and tell them to shut u%. Then we couldn t hel% oursel$es, and we d start to ta% it out on our trays with a s%or&. +in& had finally wo&en u%, and he %aced u% and down the floor. +oga came by during the afternoon and she tal&ed to all of us, and she &e%t saying, "Ohhhhh5 Ohhhhh5" in this sorry tone of $oice, which was nice, e3ce%t that then she would %ause and we could tell she was m(chatting all the news bac& to our friends on *arth. Occasionally, she d forget and she d say out loud to no one, "Omigod5 2es5 ,ight here5" or "#ello . . . ." or whate$er it was she was saying in her head. She would laugh at -o&es we couldn t hear. Once, she went to the bathroom, casual(li&e, and came bac& with her hair %arted a different %lace. Calista and 9uendy watched her. +ater, without saying anything, they went and did theirs different li&e that, too. Marty was sometimes saying his usual &ind of thing, which was li&e, "'uc& this shit. 'uc& this." #e wanted to be out %laying bas&etball or something. There was nothing to do. ;iolet stared at her hands in her la%. ) loo&ed o$er at her. ) smiled, you &now, su%%orti$e. She loo&ed at me and then went bac& to staring at her hands.

=ow it was night, and all the big lights were out. "e were lying there. There were machines that were ta&ing our %ulse and shit. "e were all su%%osed to be slee%ing. ) heard ;iolet wal& across the floor and head for the bathroom. A few minutes later, ) heard her wal&ing bac&. "#ey," ) said. "2eah. #ey," she said. She sto%%ed. "2ou can . . . ," ) said. ) %ulled myself u% against the %illows. ""hy don t you sit down for a sec." She sat down in the chair by my bed. ) could see the cur$e of her nose against my %ulse, which was green and bum%y. "e sat there for a little while. ) was thin&ing, This is nice. We2re 1ust sitting here. We don2t have to say anything. ) felt real contented. ) lay my head bac& on my %illow. ) loo&ed o$er at her face. ) could see the light from my heartbeat on her tears. ) said. "2ou re ... hey. 2ou re crying." "2es," she said. "2ou don t ..." ) didn t &now how to say what ) wanted. ) tried, "2ou don t seem li&e a crier." "=o," she said. "e sat. =ow the silence wasn t $ery good. #er head was low. ) could see the cur$e of her chee& against my brain wa$es, which were red and loo%y. She said, "2ou go try to ha$e fun li&e a normal %erson, a normal %erson with a real life-ust for one night you want to li$e, and suddenly you re screwed." "2ou re not screwed." ") m screwed." "e sat there. ) wanted to say something to cheer her u%. ) had a feeling that cheering her u% might be a lot of wor&. ) was thin&ing of how sometimes, trying to say the right thing to %eo%le, it s li&e some &ind of brain surgery, and you ha$e to twea& e3actly the right %art of the lobe. *3ce%t with

tal&ing, it s more li&e brain surgery with old, rusted s&ewers and things, maybe li&e those things you use to eat lobster, but brown. And you ha$e to get e3actly the right %lace, and you re touching around in the brain, but the %atient, she &ee%s -um%ing and saying, "Ow." Thin&ing of it li&e this, ) started to not want to say anything. ) &e%t thin&ing of nice things ) could say, li&e, ") m glad you went out last night, because that s how ) met you," or, "And ) thin& you are a normal %erson," but they all seemed -ust smarm. So we -ust sat there, together, and we didn t say anything. And it wasn t bad. ) ho%ed she could see my smile in the light of my brain. Father "hen my father got there the ne3t morning, he didn t stay long. #e was being $ery %owerful and businessli&e. #e was dressed u%, and he loo&ed li&e he was ready to gi$e some orders and sort things out. #e loo&ed li&e e$eryone around us was stu%id and he was going to roll u% his slee$es and do some real clarity wor&. #e stood there staring at me for a few seconds, and ) was li&e, ""hat. What?3 #e seemed sur%rised, and then blin&ed. #e said, "Oh. Shit. 2eah, ) forgot. =o m(chat. 6ust tal&ing." ) was li&e, "!o you ha$e to remind me. "hat s doing. #ow s Smell 'actor." "2our brother has a name." "#ow s Mom." "She s li&e, whoa, she s li&e so stressed out. This is . . . !ude," he said. "!ude, this is some way bad shit." ) could com%letely feel ;iolet watching us. She was listening. ) didn t want to ha$e her -udging us, and thin&ing we were too boring or stu%id or something. My father as&ed me to tell him what ha%%ened. ) told him, lea$ing out some %arts, li&e trying to brea& in to the minibar. #e -ust &e%t sha&ing his head and going, "2eah," "2eah," "2eah," "Oh, yeah,"

"2eah," "Shit," "2eah." 'inally, he stood u%. ) could tell he was %issed. #e held u% his hands. #e said, "They want to sub%oena your memories. This is this thing which is . . . O&ay, this is bullshit." After a minute, he said to someone who wasn t there, "O&ay O&ay." #e turned to me and said, ") m going down to the %olice." "!ad.") said. ""hen am ) going home." !ad %ut his hand o$er his ear. "O&ay," he said. #is mouth twitched. #e nodded to someone. #e hit me on the &nee and left. ) was staring at the wall and the stu%id boat %icture. ) heard 9uendy say to ;iolet, ""hen are your %arents coming." She said in a flat $oice, "They re busy." 3$usy?3 "2eah. "ith -obs. ) guess they can t come at all." salad days w!snee"e guard The ne3t morning, we hadn t heard anything. "e decided we needed to be cheered u% big(time. So Marty in$ented this game where we blew hy%odermic needleti%s through tubing at a s&inless anatomy man on the wall. "e s%at the needles and tried to %in his nads. )t was the beginning of a great day, one of the greatest days of my life. "e all %layed the dart game, and we laughed and sang ") ll Se3 2ou )n." *$eryone was smiling, and it was s&i%. The sur%rise was, ;iolet was the best at the dart game. She always won. ) suc&ed. She tried to teach me. )t was a com%lete turn(on. She too& my hand and %ut the tube in my mouth. She whis%ered, "As%irate. "ith the tongue." Peo%le were really im%ressed. +in& and Marty were com%letely hitting on ;iolet for it, but she didn t %ay them any attention, and sometimes she would stand there with one hand on my shoulder. ) could feel that she was %utting %ressure on it, and that she didn t need to stand with all her weight because ) was there.

Then +oga came in to the hos%ital for a while, and we were all tal&ing to her about stuff when she sto%%ed for a second because the girls fa$orite feedcast, Oh? Wow! Thing! was on. They were all li&e, "Tell us what s ha%%ening, tell us what s ha%%ening," so we all gathered around her in our little gowns, and she sat there cross(legged on the bed and told us, "O&ay, so li&e now 7reg s wal&ing in, and he s . . . omigod, he s com%letely malfunctioning he s com%letely in mal, and Ste%h is crying on the sofa. O&ay, so she goes . . ." And she told us the story of what was ha%%ening as it ha%%ened, and we all sat there, smiling. ) ne$er heard +oga tell a story this good before, and she e$en used her hands and stuff, and her eyes were $acant li&e she was seeing some other world, which ) guess she was. "6ac&ie is sitting on the front of the boat. And he holds his hand u%, and he s going . . . he s going... omigod, he goes, Organelle, ) always lo$ed you from when we first went sailing. " 9uendy was li&e, "Oh, god5 This is so romantic5" "Oh, meg. /ig meg. 2ou can feel the bree1e on your s&in. )t s warm, li&e those nights, you &now, when we re li&ewe re li&e, "e re always going to be young. The bree1e is li&e that. ) wish you could feel it." "e all shi$ered. She said, "2ou can smell the salt. The moon s out. )t s high abo$e e$erything, and soft." 9uendy actually cried one tear. ;iolet and ) loo&ed at each other. "e didn t loo& away "e still were li&e that, loo&ing into each other s eyes and all, when the doctor came in and was li&e, What the hell had ha ened in the e/amination room, what2s with all the needles? and he was u%grading to homicidal and going all. 9a da da ro!essional care unit, da da da dangerous and costly da da in1ection da da da, etc. +uc&ily, +in& s mom heard him yelling at us, and she s a com%lete dragon, so she ga$e him a %iece of her mind.

She told him that we were all suffering from a $ery stressful e3%erience and we weren t used to these &inds of stresses and he had to understand that we had to ha$e our fun, too. ) still felt &ind of bad about it, because we made a big mess, and ;iolet was com%letely meg blushing, but at least we didn t get li&e sho$ed into orbit on cybergurneys or something. ) li&ed being -ust a few beds away from her. "e could wa$e. "e all tal&ed about old music, li&e from when we were little, and all the stu%id bands they had bac& then, and the stu%id fashions we li&ed in middle school, li&e the year when the big fashion from +.A. and shit was that e$eryone wanted to dress li&e they were in an elderly con$alescent home, there was this weird nostalgic chic for that, so we all remembered ha$ing stretch %ants and $elour to%s, and Calista had e$en bought one of those stu%id accessory wal&ers at "eatherbee I Crotch. There were those stu%id ads for ha$ing your %ants %ulled u% li&e around your chest. ;iolet said she still had a cane at home. "hen we were eating dinner, sitting on her bed side by side, she said to me, "This is fun." ")t weirdly is," ) said. "Maybe these are our salad days." "#uh." "2ou &now. #a%%y." ""hat s ha%%y about a salad." She shrugged. ",anch," she said. the garden ;iolet was off some%lace tal&ing to the doctor. ) say "some%lace" because we were using the e3amination room to blow needles at the anatomical guy s bas&et. +in& and Calista were standing real close by the $ibrating bath, and ) reali1ed that they had %robably decided to hoo& u%. )t loo&ed li&e Calista was getting o$er +in& being so stu%id, which was brag, because he s a nice guy. 9uendy sat there on the table, glaring at them. ;iolet came bac& from the doctor. She was all intense loo&ing. ) as&ed what was wrong. She

said she d found a %lace she wanted to show me. ) said sure, and ) went with her. "e went out into the hall. The shouting from the e3amination room was more distant. "e wal&ed for a ways through some tubes and so on. Peo%le floated by automatically on gurneys. She wal&ed in front of me. #er sli%%ers went !itik, !itik, sliss, !itik on the floors. They were soft sounds, li&e the sounds mouths ma&e when they o%en and close. ) watched her from behind. "hen we sto%%ed to wait for an u%tube, she lifted her an&le so her heel came out of the sli%%er, and with her toes she slid it bac& and forth on the tiles without thin&ing about it. She massaged the floor. "hen the u%tube was free, she settled her foot bac& in, and walked, !itik,!itik, sliss,!itik, right on in. She too& me u% to a huge window. "e stood in front of it. Outside the window, there had been a garden, li&e, ) guess you could call it a courtyard or terrarium. /ut a long time ago the glass ceiling o$er the terrarium had crac&ed, and so e$erything was dead, and there was moon dust all o$er e$erything out there. *$erything was gray. Also, something was lea&ing air and heat out in the garden, lots of waste air, and the air was roc&eting off into s%ace through the hole, so all of the dead $ines in the garden were standing straight u%, sla%%ing bac& and forth, %ulled toward the crac& in the ceiling where we could see the stars. ""hoa," ) said. ")sn t it beautiful." ")t s li&e . . . ," ) said. ")t s li&e a s0uid in lo$e with the s&y." She was only loo&ing at me, which was nice. ) hadn t felt anything li&e that for a long time. She rubbed my head, and she went, "2ou re the only one of them that uses meta%hor." She was staring at me, and ) was staring at her, and ) mo$ed toward her, and we &issed. The $ines beat against each other out in the gray, dead garden, they were all writhing against the s%ine of

the Mil&y "ay on its edge, and for the first time, ) felt her s%ine, too, each &nuc&le of it, with my fingers, while the air lea&ed and the %lants whac&ed each other near the silent stars. dead language "e were watching Marty in$ent a game called Struggle of the !ying "arrior. )t in$ol$ed him being tied with all of his limbs, li&e his arms and his legs, onto the frame of his bed with the rubber tubing. Then he tried to get u% and wal&. #e was not getting $ery far. ;iolet and ) were sitting on a bun&, swinging our legs in rhythm. "e were tal&ing about our families. ) told her that ) had a little brother. She said ) hadn t mentioned him. ) said he was a lot younger and a real %ain. ;iolet as&ed me about my mom and dad. ) told her that my dad did some &ind of ban&ing thing, and my mom was in design. ) didn t understand what my dad did e3actly. "hate$er it was, he was off doing it on the moon until tomorrow, when they were going to tell us about our feeds. "hen ) as&ed her what her dad did, she said, "#e s a college %rofessor. #e teaches the dead languages." "Peo%le study that." She shrugged. ") guess." "O&ay. So what are the dead languages." "They re languages that were once im%ortant but that nobody uses anymore. They ha$en t been used for a long time, e3ce%t by historians." "+i&e what languages." "2O4 &now, 'O,T,A=. /AS)C." ""hat does one sound li&e." She slid off the bun&, and went to get her bag. She o%ened it and %ulled out something, which was a %en. She also had %a%er. ) loo&ed at her funny. "2ou write." ) said. ""ith a %en." "Sure," she said, a little embarrassed. She wrote something down. She %ut the %ad of %a%er on my la%.

She as&ed me, "!o you &now how to read." ) nodded. ") can read. A little. ) &ind of %rotested it in SchoolJ. On the grounds that the silent * is stu%id." "This is the language called /AS)C," she said. On the %a%er, it said: KKLMMK 7oto KMNGKK KMNGKK Pee& MENCC, LNE KMNGMK Po&e MKNCD, LNE She read it to me. ) could tell the numbers fine. "So what does that mean." ) as&ed. ")t s the first thing my dad teaches the students on the first day," she said. ")t means, ) came, ) saw, ) con0uered. " ) loo&ed at her %en. "2ou write all the time," ) said, com%letely in awe. ") $e done it since ) was little." "!o you write . . . stuff." "=ot stories or anything. ) -ust write down things ) see sometimes." "On %a%er." "2eah." ) loo&ed at her. "2ou re one funny enchilada," ) said. She nodded real 0uiet. "!oesn t your hand get all cram%ed u%." ) as&ed. "!on t you end u% li&e, hoo&(hand." ) made hoo&(hand. She made hoo&(hand. "e %awed each other with hoo&(hand. She shoo& her head and smiled. ) as&ed, ""hy don t you use the feed. )t s way faster." ") m %retentious," she said. ",eally %retentious." "2eah, so the studio audience has noticed, but seriously." "Seriously." Suddenly, something occurred to me. ) loo&ed u% at her. Marty had fallen to his &nees, and was being %ulled bac& toward the bed by the tubing. #is chee&s were %uffed out #is hands were in fists. #is fingers were getting blue. All of the ridges on his arms stood out. Calista and +in& were whistling with their fingers in their mouths. The other %eo%le in the ward were yelling, "Shut u%5 "ould you all shut u%." ) as&ed ;iolet, "2our father, he s a college %rofessor, but he was too busy to come see you after

you li&e com%letely colla%sed from a hac&er attac&. Too busy?3 She loo&ed me in the eye. "=o," she said, "but that s what ) told you." #elease The salad days couldn t last fore$er. "e really wanted to get bac& to *arth. *$eryone wanted to forget how suc&y the moon had been. Tuesday, -ust before lunch, a doctor and a %olicewoman and a technician came in. Our %arents were all tal&ing o$er in the corner. The rest of us were all sitting around, tal&ing about s%aceshi% disasters. The technician called us all to attention and went through this whole thing, he was sorry for the delay, but they wanted to be absolutely sure there was no %ermanent hac&, that our feeds were safe, etc. #e was all li&e, da da da, must have been a di!!icult time !or all o! us, da da da, we would !ind our normal service resumed without interru tion, da da da da da, he was meg sorry we had to go through this, and he had com lied with the olice and handed over our data, da da da, like thank you all again !or your atience. One by one, we went into the e3amination room. )n there, there were nurses and the doctor and the technician. The nurses were watching the relays, our blood %ressure and all. They were li&e, "!on t worry about anything. 2ou ll feel it all coming bac& in a few seconds." The doctor touched a bootstic& to my head. #e said, "O&ay. Could we li&e get a thingie, a reading on his limbic acti$ity." The bootstic& was cold on my nec&. ) could feel the little hairs standing u% around it. There was some &ind of static electricity. They mo$ed the bootstic& a little. ) heard it bee%. "2ou should feel it now," said one of the nurses. ) didn t feel anything. ) loo&ed around. They were watching me closely. "=o," ) said. ) shifted on the bed. ) didn t feel anything. ) said, "=othing. ) feel nothing." "#old your head still," said the doctor. #e shifted the bootstic& and it bee%ed again.

) &ic&ed my heels against the bed. "There s nothing. =othing," ) said. ""hy don t you" said the nurse. *ulse u . +ising. Limbic activity okay? 7e2s 1ust nervous. 9on2t worry. It2ll hit him in like a second. We have readings on engram !ormation. ,ignal engaged. 9on2t dro the e/terior relays yet. The Ford La uta. S&y and Suburb Monthly says there2s no other u car like it. )nd we agree. "There you go," said the nurse. 5ou2ll he more than a little attracted to its ower!ul T"" !ermion li!t with vertical rise o! !i!ty !eet er second0and i! you like com!ort, #uality, and class, the su le u holstery and economically designed dash will0 They sla%%ed me on the bac&. ) laughed, and the doctor and ) did these big grins. ) went bac& out into the other room, and we were all starting to feel it now. "e were all starting to feel it good . . . name is Terry *onk, and I2d like to tell you about u er-body strength . . . And the feed was %ouring in on us now, all of it, all of the feednet, and we could feel all of our fa$orites, and there were our files, and our m(chatlines. )t came down on us li&e water. )t came down li&e fric&in s%ring rains, and we were dancing in it. . . . :elebrate !un. :elebrate !riends. 5ou2ve 1ust come through something di!!icult, and this is the time !or a table !ull o! love and !riendshi and the e/citing entrees you can only !ind at... "e were dancing in it li&e rain, and we couldn t sto% laughing, and we were running our hands across our bodies, feeling them again, and ) saw ;iolet almost hysterical with laughter, rubbing her chee&s, and %ulling her hands down across her breasts, her chin u% in the air. . . . big bro? $ig bro, you there? 4om says I should . . . . . . until one cra?y day when this cranky old woman and this sick little boy meet a coy-dog

with a heart o! goldand they all learn an im ortant lesson about love. The =2T called it... ... hits a grounder to the mound... . . .In other news, rotests continued today against the )merican anne/ation o! the moon. ,everal ,outh )merican countries including $ra?il and )rgentina have submitted re#uests to 1oin the <lobal )lliance in res onse. *resident Trumbull s oke !rom the White 7ouse. 3What we have today, with the things that are ha ening in today2s society, is...3 She held my handwe found each other s hands through the li&e, the waterfall, and ... I! you liked 3I2ll ,e/ 5ou In,3 you2ll love these other o ular slum -rock e ics by hot new storm 2n2 chunder band $ee! #uake, !ull o! ri!!s that... ... We hand icked our s ring !ashions . . . and holding hands, we danced. . . . #ardgore, the best !eed-sim battle game ever to ri u the hori?on. ,i/ty levels o! detonation and viscera 1ust waiting to !ly at your command, :a tain $astard. I! you don2t !eel slogging waist-dee within !i!teen seconds, we2ll eat our !ucking hats ... .. .In your absence, you may not have heard . .. #and in hand, we danced. Part $ utopia normal Things were bac& to normal real 0uic&. "e went bac& to *arth, and we all rested u%, and our moms brought us ginger ale in bed. "e chatted all the time on the feeds and shared music and shit. "e had this ma-or debate going on because we watched the Oh? Wow! Thing! and there was this %art where Organelle as&ed 6ac&ie whether she had meg hi%s and he was li&e, "Since you as&, we both could wor& out more," and she was li&e, "2ou shithead, you should $e lied," and so all the guys were saying, no way, i! she asked him this com lete #uestion he should answer it, and the girls were li&e,

i! you ever insult how I look then you2re com letely shallow, and we were li&e, but she asked, and they were li&e, omigod, you don2t get it, and +in& said if they really didn t want to &now how they loo&ed, then how come they as&ed so much, and then ) said this thing, and Calista said this thing, and it was li&e, da da da da da, da da da da da, da da da da da, all day. )t was &ind of fun. ) li&e debates where you argue about different %oints of $iew. My family, they were coming and going. ) saw them on the landings, or sometimes, when ) went down to the &itchen, behind the counters. My dad didn t really tal& to me e3ce%t to wal& u% and chec& to see if ) had a fe$er, which ) didn t, because it was a software %roblem. My mother was always holding on to my brother, Smell 'actor, li&e s0uee1ing him li&e a doll. She was real busy with him and she went to %eewee league games for him and e$en too& him to wor& with her sometimes. "hen she wasn t around in the afternoons, he sat in his closet watching To @uark, with it broadcasting all o$er the %lace, so ) watched it, too, because there was nothing else to do really but watch To @uark and eat Chi%wiches. :a 2n To @uark, that whole lanet is so sad that I think they2ll need a whole lot o! good thoughts and hugging! That2s why, lickety-s lit, and we2re on our way. :harm @uark, re are the Friend :annon. $oson, turn our biggest, orangest sails toward :ryos, on the lanet ,adalia. )ye, aye, sir! 5ou2ve made me one ha y article, sir! Smell 'actor had one of those birds now, one of the ones that didn t fly or sing, the metal ones, so ) could tell they were meg yesterday. Stuff always starts with %eo%le who are cool and in college, and then wor&s down, until when the si3(year(olds get it, it s li&e, who cares. The birds must ha$e been yesterday for a while, because ) didn t see them in any ads, and e$en Smell 'actor was lea$ing his around and not clutching it.

A few days later, ) went out on errands, because really, there was no %roblem anymore. )t felt good to get out and to see all of the u%cars in tubes and in the %ar&ing lots, -ust normal stuff, li&e %eo%le wal&ing and tal&ing on their feeds, and &ids hanging out and shit. There were all the suburbs stac&ed on to% of each other, li&e A%%le Crest and 'o3 #ollow, and ) would -ust fly through the tubes in the suburbs in my %arents u%car, loo&ing at all the houses and the lawns, each one in its own %od, and e$erything was all li&e neat. Then ) d go home and sit on my bed and watch the feed, and e$erything seemed normal. )t s times li&e this that ) m real glad ) ha$e friends. They say friends are worth your weight in gold. "e had a %arty at the end of the wee& o$er at 9uendy s, because her %arents were off cho&ing somewhere. That was when e$eryone was ha$ing those cho&ing %arties. ) mean, it was com%letely midlife crisis. )t was the first time ) saw ;iolet since we were on the moon. )t was brag because she didn t ha$e a ride, and ) could borrow my %arents u%car, so ) got to fly o$er and %ic& her u%. ) met her at a mall near her house. The mall was right on the surface, and you could see the s&y through the dome. She was waiting there and loo&ing u% at the sun hitting one of the de%artment stores. ;iolet li$ed in a suburb that was a few hundred miles away from my suburb, so while we dro$e we had a little time to tal& before we got to the %arty. )t was great because we had music on our feeds, and it was the same music, so ) &new she was hearing the same notes that ) was hearing, and our heads were li&e mo$ing together, and she %ut her hand near the lift le$er, so when ) got to the e3it tube and went to lift us, her hand was there, and our fingers closed o$er the lift le$er, and we lifted it together, and were flung u% into the s&y.

"e were going along %retty fast, and going around towers and shit, and she as&ed me, ""hat ll a %arty be li&e." "+i&e a %arty." ") ha$en t been to many." "2ou ..." ) shrugged. "2ou do this ... ) don t &now. )t s fun. )t s a %arty. "hat do you do instead of %arties." "My friends and ) are all home(schooled, so we re a mi3ed bag. /ettina s mother has us come o$er and wea$e %onchos." "2ou don t go to SchoolJ." "Alf s %arents teach us how to breechload their antiaircraft gun." ""hoa. Can you show me." "#ere s the sur%rising thing: )t s all in the wrists." "4nit." "2eah. 4nit. 7od, ) m so e3cited to be going to a real %arty." "Oh yeah." ""ill it be li&e it is on the feed." ) %atted her hand. "2eah. ) mean, dumber, but yeah." ""hy, this ma&es me feel li&e a s%ecial girl. The s%ecialest girl in the world." She raised u% her hand, and we &noc&ed &nuc&les together. She leaned bac& in her seat. She %ulled some seat belt out and then let it roll bac& in. "e were both thoughtful for a minute. There were some weather blim%s in front of us. They were all yellow in the sunset that was s%reading o$er the CloudsJ. "e flew between them. "e could barely see the sil$er of their blim%(hides through the color of syru%. They were li&e a herd. She as&ed, "!o you thin& things are going to be different." "'rom what." "'rom the way things were before." ) loo&ed at her. She loo&ed serious, suddenly. ) shrugged. ) said, ")t s good to ha$e %eo%le again, li&e all these %eo%le, tal&ing to you in your head." ""e $e all been through this big thing together," she said. ")t s got to change us somehow." She rested her arm along the bac& of my seat. ) leaned my head bac&. ) could feel my hairs rub

against her arm. *$en to my hairs, her arm felt soft. under%alued truffle "e got to the %arty and it was a %retty good %arty, but low(&ey. "hen we got there, for a second we stood in the entry(way, because +in& and Marty were %laying each other at this game, The :ranky Tumble o! 9ark 7ouse, one of the ones with 1ombies and mutants, and they were all s%inning around and shooting their fingers li&e guns. They couldn t see anything, -ust the gamefeed, so when ;iolet wal&ed in, Marty almost whac&ed her in the stomach with his fist. #e and +in& were swearing and ho%%ing u% and down on the marble tiles. "4nit," said +in&. "6ust get out of the way." Marty was li&e, "Out of the fuc&in way5 "e reOh, shit5"e reoh . . . 4nit5" #e was all shouting at +in&, who was li&e missing some shot at a s%ine(leech. "e went into the li$ing room and o$er to the table where 9uendy had all the drin&s and beer. Peo%le were sitting around drin&ing, and some of them had music on their feeds and were sitting around tal&ing to it, and some others had im%orted a feedcast of ,nowblind, a comedy about a young man who nothing e$er ha%%ens to, until one cra1y day when he crosses the mob at a s&i resort and finds out what s really buried in those moguls and then all hell brea&s loose5 >=C(MB? ;iolet loo&ed &ind of timid, now that we were there. She too& a dee% breath and went o$er to say hi to Calista. ) stood around and tal&ed with 9uendy for a few minutes. 9uendy was at first really nice and normal, tal&ing about how it was good to see that we were doing o&ay, and how she was o&ay, and e$erything was fine. Then she started this glaring at Calista, and she was chatting me li&e, 9o you think :alista and Link are doing it? ) shrugged and was li&e, 5eah. I bet. 7e2s such a ig. 7e did it with me likeOh. ;ever mind.

9uendy glared at Calista and %o%%ed a %o%corn shrim% into her mouth from way down below, with her thumb. She was li&e, I2m tired o! 1ust being the !riendly one who everyone like ste s all over. 5eah, ) chatted. 7ow do you do that, with the shrim and your thumb? Okay. I2ll show you. 7ey, are you going out with .iolet? 5eah. That2s great. I think she2s meg nice. 5eah. :alista says she2s kind o! stuck-u ? $ut I don2t agree at all. Like, :alista2s the one who2s stuck-u . :alista said that? 5eah. 5ou want to try the shrim on your !inger? She showed me how to %o% the shrim%. As she did it, ) loo&ed across the room and saw ;iolet tal&ing to Calista, and both of them were frowning. ) was worried that something bad had ha%%ened, so ) m(chatted her, li&e, 7ey, beauti!ul. What2s doing? 7eyyyyy, handsome. =ust talking with :alista. 7aving a nice little chat. I made the mistake o! saying we were hack to the icayune grind. =ow she kee s going, 32*icayune2?!? 2*icayune2?!?3 and retending I2m French. I wish I hadn2t said anything. ) loo&ed around me. *$eryone was nodding their heads to music, or had their eyes -ust blan& with the feedcast. )t was -ust a %arty. =othing but a %arty. 'rom one direction, ) heard a &id say, ") thin& the truffle is li&e com%letely under$alued." And from the other direction, a girl was saying, "/ut he never %u&es when he chugalugs." )t was li&e nothing had ha%%ened. "e were watching feedcasts as if our brains had ne$er been in$aded by the asshole. +oga was laughing with her front teeth showing, as if she d ne$er been different from the rest of us, the one left with the feed when the rest of us didn t ha$e it. Some guy was %ouring the beer. +in& and Marty were doing li&e acrobatics in the entryway fighting in$isible

demons. And e$erything was com%letely normal. The truffle was com%letely under$alued. ooo ... which the *resident denied in an address early on Tuesday. 3It is not the will o! the )merican eo le, the eo le o! this great nation, to believe the allegations that were made by these cor orate 2watch2 organi?ations, which are not the ma1ority o! the )merican eo le, I re eat not, and aren2t its will. It is our duty as )mericans, and as a nation dedicated to !reedom and !ree commerce, to stand behind our !ellow )mericans and not cast.. . things at them. ,tones, !or e/am le. The !irst stone. $y this I mean that we shouldn2t think that there are any truth to the rumors that the lesions are the result o! any activity o! )merican industry. O! course they are not the result o! anything )merican industry has done. The eo le o! the Anited ,tates know, as I know, that that is 1ust lain hooey. We need to remember. . . Okay, we need to remember that )merica is the nation o! !reedom, and that !reedom, my !riends, !reedom does not lesions make.3 The *resident is e/ ected to veto the congressional... ooo the others in mal The %arty went on. ) couldn t concentrate anymore. "e watched ,nowblind. The guy in it, he fell off a %latform at a mob(owned s&i lift and landed in %owder ne3t to a se3y assassin with a heart of gold. ) was feeling strange sitting ne3t to ;iolet, and she wasn t laughing, which was weirding me out. She was -ust sitting there. The feedcast went on and on, and they all went u% the mountain on s&is and shot at each other and finally they all learned an im%ortant lesson about lo$e. Then it was o$er.

) went u%stairs to ta&e a whi11, and Marty and +in& were dragging me into a bedroom. "4nit," +in& said. "4nit, you are about to wal& through the mirror." ")t is time," Marty said, "for /ulb(twea&er." "Oh, unit," ) was li&e, "is this malfunction." "#ey hey hey hey hey, this is a great site. )t s fuc&in smooth as glass." " /ulb(twea&er ." ")t s -ust a mild scrambler," said +in&. ") can com%letely see straight," said Marty. #e %ointed. "That s right in front of me." There were other guys in there, too, and one girl. They were whis%ering. Someone had gone com%letely fugue on the bed. "!o a burst. Then cran& it down to a slow burn." "O&ay," said Marty. ") m going to go again." "4nit," said +in&, %unching me on the arm. "'ly the friendly s&ies." ) was li&e, "=ot tonight." "Come on, unit." ") don t thin& ;iolet s into the mal." "Oh, come on, unit, she ll ne$er &now." ""hat is this, shitheads." ) said. "Cut the )$: )!ter-school , ecial.3 "She ll ne$er &now5" said +in&. ) said, ""hat did we -ust go through. 4nit." ) wha%%ed myself on the bac& of the head. ",emember. +i&e, what did we -ust... . #uh." "#uh." "=e$ermind." ""hat." ") said ne$er mind." "O&ay," said +in&. "2our loss. #ere ) go. 2ou with, Marty." ") m with." They s%read out their arms and closed their eyes, and you could see when it hit them. They got the shudder first, and then their heads roc&ed, and they were big stumbling, and they went bac&ward, and there were all these %eo%le bac& there on the bed and a chair and the floor, blinded, doing the 0ui$er. +in& s tongue came out. )t was %ur%le from candy. ) went out and to the bathroom. "hen ) was done, ) went bac& downstairs. 9uendy and ;iolet

were tal&ing. 9uendy was li&e, ""here is e$eryone." but ) didn t tell her they were u% getting scrambled in the master bedroom. ;iolet as&ed if ) wanted to wal& out in the yard for a minute, and ) said sure, so we went out. "e were standing on the %orch and it was much cooler out there. The dome on the yard s %od was all blue, li&e it was night, which it was, ) mean, u% on the surface, but it was blue there at the house, too. "e stood, leaning on the railing. The night was %erfect. "e shut out the music from the feed. )t was funny, then, to loo& bac& in and see %eo%le mo$ing to nothing. She said, "2ou re 0uiet." ) nodded. ""hat s doing." she as&ed. "=o real one thing." "e -ust stood there together. ) said, "2ou didn t li&e the feature." She said, ")t was o&ay." "2ou didn t laugh." ") li&ed the mountains. All the %ine trees. ) d li&e to go to the mountains. "ouldn t it be nice. "ith a fire." ) %ictured the mountains and the fire and a snowball fight and let s(get(out( of(these(wet(clothes, and ) said, "2eah. Sure." ") want to get out to the country," she said. She loo&ed at me. ""hat s really doing." ) couldn t tell her about the guys going in mal. ) didn t want her loo&ing at them while they were on the wall(to(wall car%eting and doing the 0ui$er. ) didn t want her to loo& at them as if she was sorry. 'inally, ) said, "Peo%le ha$e -ust gone so 0uic& bac& to li&e before." ""hy." she said. ""hat ha%%ened." ) didn t tell her about them u%stairs. ) -ust told her about sitting in the li$ing room, and hearing the guy who was li&e the truffle was under$alued, and the girl who was li&e he ne$er %u&es when he chugalugs. ) told her about them and then ) loo&ed for the memory of them, which ) still had, and )

%layed it for her. She &new e3actly what ) was tal&ing about. She went, $rittle. I !eel like we2re the only two o! us who like remember the, like, the thing. *eo le want to !orget. 5ou can2t blame them. She loo&ed at me. She didn t say anything for a second, and then she said, "My feedware is damaged." ""hat. )n yourin your brain." She %ut her hand u% ne3t to her scal%. ")t ll be fine. /ut ) m the only one who had damage. They re trying to fi3 it." ""hat s wrong. Can you still get li&e, stuff and shit." She laughed. "2eah. /oth of them. ) m fine. /ut they say they ha$e to find some way to ma&e ad-ustments. Something ha%%ened when the guy hac&ed. Most %eo%le, the hac& -ust -ammed them for a while. Somehow it affected mine more. Something s still wrong." "#oly shit." "!o you remember one day when we were on the moon, the doctors too& me out to tal& to me alone. Then ) came bac& and found you, and too& you u% to the air(loss garden. The doctors, they were tal&ing to me about this. They said that it would %robably stabili1e. )t hasn t yet." "#oly shit." "They say it will %robably be fine." "#oly shit." She %atted me on the chest. "Calm," she said. "The rose will bloom ere long." "2eah. "hat(fuc&in (e$er." She watched me. ) stared at her. ) thought about Marty and +in& going in mal. She chatted, What are you thinking about? ;othing. It can2t be nothing. ) thought about +in& and Marty s eyes rolled bac&. And ) lied, li&e, I2m 1ust wondering whether he meant tru!!les the mushroom or tru!!les the candy.

She laughed and touched my face. ) felt li&e ) was %rotecting her from something and that felt good, li&e ) was a man already. ) hugged her li&e a man and we &issed. 'or a long time, we stared at each other. ) li&ed the way the synthetic bree1e was on her hair. "e stood, loo&ing out at the shrubs, and the motorboat u% on a trailer, and ) felt li&e ) was in lo$e, and our arms were around each other. She leaned close to my head and too& a handful of my hair in her hand and %ulled my head down. She whis%ered, "8ee% thin&ing. 2ou can hear our brains rattling inside us, li&e the littler ,ussian dolls." &udging That night, the night after the %arty, ) had something that ) thought was a dream, with me at a great site where all the games were free and you could %lay anything. So ) was thin&ing different e$en about %retty dumb games li&e Turbo :heckers, because if you can get anything for free, what the hell, so ) started one of them, which was this fantasy game, and ) was %utting on some elf glo$es, and stringing my bow, when ) could feel that someone was nudging my feed. They were nudging it, li&e with their chee& or nose. )n my dream, ) as&ed them who they were. )n my dream, they told me they were the %olice. They as&ed me if ) was a $ictim of the hac& at the ,umble S%ot. )n my dream, ) said yes. )n my dream, they told me o&ay, go bac& to slee%. )n my dream, ) said who were they really. They said that they were going to be running some tests on me, and that ) should thin& about something else. ) said that they weren t the %olice, so who were they really. They said, here is the li1ard you ha$e always been wanting. "e too& the liberty of gi$ing it a nice new collar. ) as&ed if all these games were mine.

All yours, they said. All yours. 7ood night, sweetie. They re all yours. Ta&e them. All yours. )n my dream, ) thought they were the hac&er grou%, the Coalition of Pity. /ut when ) wo&e u%, ) didn t remember that for wee&s. "hat ) remembered was -ust the games, which, once ) was awa&e, ) couldn t find, and the elf glo$es, and the bow, and the li1ard that was all mine. ooo .. . )4A+I:)6 ) *O+T+)IT I; <>>B>+, ... . . . I remember, as the last !orests !ell... at about that time, we would see hawks and eagles in the cities. *eo le walked outside more, back then. The tem erature usually didn2t get above a hundred. There were streets in the cities, and eagles !lew over them, wobbling without moving their wings. I remember seeing the hawks erched on street lam s, during those last days o! the )merican !orests. They had come !rom the mountains, maybe, or ine woods that were now two or three levels o! suburb, but the haw&s sat in our cities like kings. They would not look down !rom their lam osts as thousands o! downcars went by underneath. It was like they sat alone on 9ouglas !irs. I miss that time. The cities back then, 1ust a!ter the !orests died, were !ull o! wonders, and you2d stumble on themthese rinces o! the air on common roo!to s the rivers that burst through city streets so they ran like canalsthe rabbits in arking garages the deer !oaling, nestled in 9um sters like a ;ativity. ooo lose the chemise

)t was maybe, o&ay, maybe it was li&e two days after the %arty with the "ne$er %u&es when he chugalugs" that ;iolet chatted me first thing in the morning and said she was wor&ing on a brand(new %ro-ect. ) as&ed her what was the old %ro-ect, and she was li&e, did ) want to see the new one. ) said, Okay, should I come over to su casa? I2ve never been there, and she was li&e, ;o, not yet. Let2s meet at the mall ) was li&e, Okay, sure, !ine, whate$er swings your string, and she was all, $abycakes, you swing my string, which is a nice thing for someone to say to you, es%ecially before you use mouthwash. So ) flew o$er to the mall near her house through the rain, which was coming down outside in this really hard way. *$eryone had on all their lights until they got abo$e the clouds. 4% there it was sunny, and %eo%le were flying $ery businessli&e. The mall was really busy, there were a lot of crowds there. They were buying all this stuff, li&e the inflatable houses for their &ids, and the dog massagers, and the tooth e3tensions that %eo%le were wearing, the white ones which you slid o$er your real teeth and they made your mouth -ust li&e one big single tooth going all the way across. ;iolet was standing near the fountain and she had a real low shirt on, to show off her lesion, because the stars of the Oh? Wow! Thing! had started to get lesions, so now %eo%le were thin&ing better about lesions, and lesions e$en loo&ed &ind of cool. ;iolet loo&ed great in her low shirt, and besides that she was smiling, and really e3cited for her idea. 'or a second we said hello and -ust laughed about all of the stu%id things %eo%le were buying and then ;iolet, she %ointed out that, regarding legs to stand on, ) didn t ha$e $ery much of one, because ) was wheeling around a wheelbarrow full of a giant hot cross bun from /un in a /arrow. ) said, "2um, yum, yum."

She was li&e, "2ou ready." ) as&ed her what the idea was. She said, "+oo& around you." ) did. )t was the mall. She said, "+isten to me." ) listened. She said, ") was sitting at the feed doctor s a few days ago, and ) started to thin& about things. O&ay. All right. *$erything we do gets thrown into a big calculation. +i&e they re watching us right now. They can tell where you re loo&ing. They want to &now what you want." ")t s a mall," ) said. "They re also waiting to ma&e you want things. *$erything we $e grown u% withthe stories on the feed, the games, all of thatit s all streamlining our %ersonalities so we re easier to sell to. ) mean, they do these demogra%hic studies that di$ide e$eryone u% into a few %ersonality ty%es, and then you get ads based on what you re su%%osedly li&e. They try to figure out who you are, and to ma&e you conform to one of their ty%es for easy mar&eting. )t s li&e a s%iral: They &ee% ma&ing e$erything more basic so it will a%%eal to e$eryone. And gradually, e$eryone gets used to e$erything being basic, so we get less and less $aried as %eo%le, more sim%le. So the cor%s ma&e e$erything e$en sim%ler. And it goes on and on." This was the &ind of thing %eo%le tal&ed about a lot, li&e, %arents were going on about how toys were stu%id now, when they used to be good, and how e$erything on the feed had its %rice, and o&ay, it might be true, but it s also boring, so ) was li&e, "2eah. O&ay. That s the feed. So what." "This is my %ro-ect." ")s . . . ." She smiled and %ut her finger inside the collar of my shirt. "+isten," she said. ""hat ) m doing, what ) $e been doing o$er the feed for the last two days, is trying to create a customer %rofile that s so screwed, no one can mar&et to it. ) m not going to let them catalog me. ) m going to become in$isible."

) stared at her for a minute. She ran her finger along the edge of my collar, so her nail touched the s&in of my throat. ) waited for an e3%lanation. She didn t tell me any more, but she said to come with her, and she grabbed one of the nodules on my shirtit was one of those nodule shirtsand she led me toward /ebre&&er I 8arl. "e went into the store, and immediately our feeds were all com%letely /ebre&&er I 8arl. "e were bannered with all this cra1y high(tech fun stuff they sold there. Then a guy wal&ed u% to us and said could he hel% us. ) said ) didn t &now. /ut ;iolet was li&e, "Sure. !o you ha$e those big searchlights. ) mean, the really strong ones." "2eah," he said. ""e ha$e ... yeah. "e ha$e those." #e went o$er to some rac&, and he too& these big searchlights off the rac&. #e showed us some different models. The feeds had s%ecs. They showed us the s%ecs while he tal&ed. "hen he went into the bac& to get another, chea%er searchlight, ) said to ;iolet, ""hat ne3t." She whis%ered, "Com%licating. ,esisting." /ebre&&er I 8arl were bannering us big. )t was, We2ve streamlined the Tesla coil !or ersonal useyou can even wear it in your hair! With these new, da da da, and +ela/, yawn, and slum ! While our greased cybermassage beads travel u and down your back! <uaranteed to make you etc., li&e that. ) was li&e, "O&ay, huh." but the guy came bac& and he had another searchlight. #e told us, "2ou can see shit real good with this one. ) ha$e one of these on my u%car. )t s sometimes li&e whoa, reallywhoa. There was this one time. And ) was flying along at night and ) shined the light down at the ground, to loo& at the to%s of all the suburb %ods. And all o$er the to% of them, it loo&ed li&e it was mo$ing, li&e there was a blac& goo. So ) turned u% the brightness, and )

went down, and ) shined it more bright, and it turned out the blac& mo$ing goo was all these hordes of coc&roaches. There were miles of them, running all o$er the to%s of the domes. They &e%t on trying to get out of the light, so where$er you shined it, there would be this" ") d li&e to mount the light on my belly," ;iolet said. ""ould that be %ossible." #e loo&ed at her funny. ""ith a swi$el head." "Sure. Then ) could swi$el it." ""hat s this for." "Something s%ecial," she said, in this low $oice. She rubbed my arm u% and down, se3ily. #e was li&e, ""hoa. ) can t e$en thin&." #e ga$e me the thumbs(u%. She win&ed at me. )t was &ind of a turn(on. She got him to send her all of the feedstats for the lam%, but then she didn t buy it. She didn t ha$e it mounted. )nstead, she than&ed him a real lot, and then she too& me out of the store, and ) was starting to get the %icture and thin& it was all %retty funny. "e &e%t going from %lace to %lace, as&ing for weird shit we didn t buy. She too& me to a rug store, and a store with old chests and %ieces of eight and shit, and we went to a toy store and she as&ed them to e3%lain the world of /lea&a1oid action figures, which is a dumb(ass name if ) e$er heard one, but they e3%lained it all. )t was mainly they were these muscular %eo%le from a %arallel world, which is usually how it is. "e didn t buy anything. "e ran through the big hallway with her ta%%ing her head and saying, "#ear that. The music." )t was %o% songs. "They ha$e charts that show which chords are most thumbs( u%. Music is mar&eting. They ha$e lists of &ey changes that get thirteen(year(old girls screaming. There s no difference between a song and an ad$ertising -ingle anymore. Songs are their own -ingles. Ste% li$ely. O$er here." "e went to a clothing store and she held u% all these stu%id dresses, and the girl there was li&e,

I2m hel ing a weird kid, so I2m going to be really !ake, so she &e%t smiling fa&e, and nodding really serious at all the dresses ;iolet held u%, and she was all, "That will loo& great," and ;iolet said, ") don t &now. ! you thin&. #e s %retty wide in the chest." The girl loo&ed at me, and ) was fro1en. So ) said, "2eah. ) wor& out." ;iolet as&ed me, ""hat are you. "hat s your cu% si1e." ) shrugged and %layed along. "+i&e, nine and a half." ) guessed. "That s my shoe si1e." ;iolet said, ") thin& he d li&e something slin&y, &ind of sil&y." ) said, "As long as you can sto% me from rubbing myself u% against a wall the whole time." "O&ay," said ;iolet, holding u% her hands li&e she was annoyed. "O&ay, the chemise last wee& was a mista&e." ) %ractically started to laugh snot into my hand. "e went to some more clothing stores, and we loo&ed at all these dumb sweaters and %retended we li&ed them, and we loo&ed at ma&eu% that she wouldn t wear, and a gra$el(tumbler, and we went to a !;S Pharmacy Su%erstore, and she com%arison(sho%%ed for home endosco%y &its. "e were loo&ing at the endosco%y &its when she started whis%ering to me, "'or the last two days, o&ay. ) $e been earmar&ing all this different stuff as if ) want to buy it you &now, a %ennywhistle, a barrel of institutional lard, some really cheesy boy(%o%, a sarong, an industrial lawn mower, all of this info on male %attern baldness, business stationery, barrettes . . . And ) $e been loo&ing u% house %ainting for the Antarctic homeowner, and the way %eo%le get married in Tonga, and genealogy home %ages in the C1ech ,e%ublic ... ) don t &now, it s all out there, waiting." ) %ic&ed u% one bo3. "This one is the chea%est. 2ou swallow the %ills and they ta&e %ictures as they go down." She said, "Once you start loo&ing at all this stuff, all of these sites, you reali1e this obscure stuff isn t obscure at all. *ach thing is li&e a whole world. ) can t tell you."

"#ow s your li&e," ) %ointed at my head, "how s your feedware wor&ing out." ")t s fine. 2ou re not listening." ") m -ust wondering." She as&ed me, ""hat do you thin&." ") li&ed the guy in /ebre&&er I 8arl. ) wonder if it s true, about the coc&roaches." ""hat do you thin& about resisting." she as&ed me really hard. #er -aw muscles were stic&ing out. ) said, ")t sounds great, as long as ) get to wear the chemise." She laughed. "e went to dinner at a 6. P /arnigan s 'amily *3tra$agan1a. "e had mo11arella stic&s and then ) had a big stea&. She got a Caesar salad. There were free refills on drin&s. Afterward, we were sitting there in the booth, and ) as&ed her whether she wanted a ride home. She said no. ) said was she sure, and she said yes. ) said, ""hat s doing with your %arents." ""hat do you mean." ""ell, with your house, and why you ha$e me meet you here instead. And why didn t your dad come to the moon. "hen we were, you &now." She loo&ed at me funny. She said, "!o you &now how much it costs to fly someone to the moon." ) guessed. "A lot." "2eah. 2eah, a lot. #e wanted to come, but it would ha$e been, li&e, a month of his salary. #e sa$ed u% for a year to send me. Then ) went, and that stuff ha%%ened." "#e sa$ed u% for a year for you to go to the moon." "2eah." She said, "#ey, here s what you can do. 2ou can dro% me at the feed technician s office. ) ha$e an a%%ointment." "e made out for a minute in the car. Then ) flew her a few miles away, to a technician. ) left her there. /efore ) %ulled out of the tube by his office, ) loo&ed bac& at her, standing by the door. She had her hands on her elbows. She was %inching the elbow s&in and %ulling it. She waited there, %inching and %ulling, and then went in. 'niffling

That night, ) chatted her after ) went to bed. ) was li&e, .iolet. .iolet? She was li&e, 7ey. 7ey there. It was great, going to the mall today. I had a good time. I en1oyed that whole thing. 'inally, she was li&e, I did, too. ) could tell something was wrong. )t was something about the way she was sending things on the feed. ) as&ed, )re you crying? There was a long feed silence. ) could hear %rogramming. She was li&e, 5eah. =ust !or ractice. What2s doing? ;ever mind, she chatted. ;ever mind. 9idn2t you have a real good time? I wish you were here, she said. ) thought about her lying in bed. Maybe in some %a-amas, so she was warm. ) said, I wish I was there, too. Look, she said, changing the whole sub-ect. Look at everything I got !rom the !eed. It2s going cra?y with everything we looked at today. It2s trying to work !or me. This %er&y $oice on her feed said, 7i! I2m ;ina, your ersonal FeedTech sho ing assistant! Tired o! that gross-out smell in your mouth? Try Fresh<orge <lottal 9eodorantyour boy! will thank you big-time! 7ey, .iolet 9urn, what a ski kinda day you had! 5ou go sho , girl! 7ere2s some more great in!o about all the brag stu!! you asked about! ;iolet started to forward me things. There were sites for the s%otlights and the dresses and the endosco%y &its, and she sent them in flurries. Once they started coming, they started to call others to them, and ) could feel them doing that call, and they were all around me. They came to us. )t was li&e they were lots of friendly butterflies, and we were smeared with something, and they &e%t coming and coming, and their wings were win&ing beautifully, and more and more came. And they were landing on our fingers, and on our li%s, and on our eyes, o%ening and dosing. And we were goingWhoa!

Whoa! Whoa! )t was cra1y. a new place /eing with ;iolet was great. She hadn t had much of the stuff you see on the feed when she was younger. A lot of it was too e3%ensi$e, or her father -ust said no. /ut she had watched all the shows about how other %eo%le li$e normally, and she really wanted to li$e li&e the rest of us. So she and her other home(schooling friends had tried to co%y us. 'or e3am%le, he said she couldn t ha$e toy guns, because they were against his beliefs, so she had to %ic& u% anything %ieces of wood or bent metaland use them li&e a toy gun, and %retend it was -ust as good as a real one made of %lastic. ) was afraid that she would be too smart for me, but she wasn t. ) don t mean she wasn t smarter, because she was, but -ust that there was so much she hadn t done. She was li&e a little &id, all e3cited when ) was -ust meeting her at the mall for the day, and we wal&ed from store to store or went on the air slides or sho%%ed underwater. She had hardly e$er done any of it before. She was always new. "e sat in the mall and made u% stories about %eo%le who %assed by. Sho%%ers wal&ed around us on the concourses, their mouths mo$ing, tal&ing to %eo%le who weren t there. They were all muttering. "e made u% stories about how they d gi$en birth to monsters in attics. "e went into stores, and we laughed and laughed. )t was li&e she too& my hand, or ) too& her hand, and we duc&ed through doorways, and together we went to an old %lace, and it was a new %lace. "e went there holding hands. the dimples of delglacey O&ay, but sometimes, though, ) did get worried that she was too smart for me. ) don t do too good in SchoolJ. "e were bac& in SchoolJ, so ) was reminded %retty often that ) was stu%id.

SchoolJ is not so bad now, not li&e bac& when my grand%arents were &ids, when the schools were run by the go$ernment, which sounds com%letely li&e, =a1i, to ha$e the go$ernment running the schools. /ac& then, it was big boring, and all the &ids were meg null, because they didn t learn anything useful, it was all li&e, da da da da, this ha ened in !ourteen ninety-two, da da da da, when you mi/ like, chalk and water, it makes nitroglycerin, and that &ind of shit. And nothing was useful. =ow that SchoolJ is run by the cor%orations, it s %retty brag, because it teaches us how the world can be used, li&e mainly how to use our feeds. Also, it s good because that way we &now that the big cor%s are made u% of real human beings, and not -ust -er&s out for money, because ta&ing care of children, they care about America s future. )t s an in$estment in tomorrow. "hen no one was going to %ay for the %ublic schools anymore and they were all li&e filled with guns and drugs and *nglish teachers who were really %im%s and stuff, some of the big media congloms got together and ga$e all this money and bought the schools so that all of them could ha$e com%uters and %i11a for lunch and stuff, which they ga$e for free, and now we do stuff in classes about how to wor& technology and how to find bargains and what s the best way to get a -ob and how to decorate our bedroom. )t was still hard, there were some times when none of us did good, and ) felt stu%id, and we all felt stu%id, and +oga and Calista were li&e, Omigodl This is so dumb! :ould the teacher be any more, lease, condescending? Omigod, I know. Like, thanks !or the hea in2 hel ings o! yawn ban#uet. And ) sat there with my %alms %ressed into my forehead, thin&ing about ;iolet, at home, being smart. ) would thin& about some con$ersation we were ha$ing where ) was dumb. +i&e she was always reading things about how e$erything was dying and there was less air and

e$erything was getting to3ic. She told me about how things were getting really bad with some things in South America, but she couldn t really tell e3actly how bad, because the news had been as&ed to be a little more %ositi$e. She said that it made her frightened to read all this &ind of thing, about how %eo%le hated us for what we did. So one time ) said to her that she should sto% reading it, because it was -ust de%ressing, so she was li&e, $ut I want to know what2s going on, so ) was li&e, Then you should do something about it. It2s a !ree country. 5ou should do something. She was li&e, ;othing2s ever going to ha en in a two- arty system. She was li&e, da da da, nothing2s ever going to change, both arties are in the ocket o! big business, da da da, all that. So ) was li&e, 5ou got to believe in the eo le, it2s a democracy, we can change things. She was li&e, It2s not a democracy. ) hated it when she got li&e this, because then she wasn t li&e herself, ) mean, she wasn t li&e this %layful %erson who drags me around the mall doing cra1y shit, she was suddenly li&e those girls in SchoolJ who sit underground and dress all in blac& with ribbing and get an iron fi3ture for their -aws and they re li&e, "Ca%italist fool%ro%aganda tool," holding u% both their hands, etc. "hen she said things li&e It2s not a democracy, suddenly ) couldn t stand to be ha$ing this whole con$ersation. ) was li&e, Oh, yeah, and she was li&e, It2s not, and ) was li&e, Oh, okay, and she said, ;o, it2s not a democracy, and ) was li&e, 5es it is, and she was li&e, ;o it isn2t, and ) got sarcastic, so ) was li&e, ;o, sure, it2s all !ascist, isn2t it? We2re all !ascists? Then she was li&e, really gently, ;o, lease, I2m not trying to be an asshole. It2s not a democracy. ) was li&e, Then what is it? ) re ublic. It2s a re ublic. Why? $ecause we elect eo le to vote !or us. That2s my oint.

,o why is it like that? $ecause i! it was a democracy, everybody would have to decide about everything. ) thought about that. We could have everybody vote. From the !eeds. Instantaneous. Then it would be a democracy. >/ce t, she said, only about seventy-three ercent o! )mericans have !eeds. Oh, ) said. 5eah. And so ) felt stu%id. There2s that many who don2t? Then she told me, I didn2t used to have a !eed. ) was li&e, What do you mean? She was 0uiet li&e she didn t want to chat. )t was that &ind of 0uiet. Then she went, We didn2t have enough money. When I was little. )nd my dad and mom didn2t want me to have one. 7oly shit. I got it when I was seven. I2m sorry, ) said. For what? For not knowing. 5ou know, that so many eo le don2t have them. ;o one with !eeds thinks about it, she said. When you have the !eed all your li!e, you2re brought u to not think about things. Like them never telling you that it2s a re ublic and not a democracy. It2s something that makes me angry, what eo le don2t know about these days. $ecause o! the !eed, we2re raising a nation o! idiots. Ignorant, sel!-centered idiots. Suddenly, she reali1ed what she had said, that she d -ust called me a self( centered, ignorant idiot. She sto%%ed. She started stumbling all o$er her words, and she was li&e, I didn2t mean . . . I, you know . . . it2s not really im ortant, but 1ust, I believe . . . , and so on. ) -ust sat there and watched her. ) could tell ) was li&ing to watch her tri% u% o$er her words while ) was doing this angry face, so ) didn t mo$e my mouth or chat her or anything. ) -ust sat, and she felt bad, and then she e$en chatted me, I2m sorry, which was bad, because it showed that we both &new ) was stu%id, and then ) loo&ed away. ) loo&ed away, and she %ut her hand on my arm, which was the worst, because it was the

consolation %ri1e. That night, when ) got home, ) was loo&ing out the window, being sorry, and my mother was li&e, ""hat s wrong." ) didn t answer for a while. 'inally, ) said, "!o you thin& ) m stu%id. ) mean, am ) dumb." "2ou re a nontraditional learner." Smell 'actor said, "=o, he s not. #e s dumb." My mother as&ed, ")s this re: ;iolet." "=o." "Come on. )s it re: her. /ecause she shouldn t ma&e you feel stu%id. That s not good." "Mom, it s un(re: her, o&ay." "She should be %roud of you." ) didn t want to say anything. ) didn t want my mom to thin& ;iolet was a snob. ;iolet wasn t a snob. ) was -ust dumb. My mom came o$er and said to me, "2ou re a wonderful boy. ) &now ) m your mom, but ) can say that you re a wonderful boy. )sn t he, Ste$e." My dad was con&ed out at the table going o$er the news on the feed, but he %ulled himself u%, and she was li&e, ")sn t he a wonderful boy.," and my dad was li&e, "Sure, yeah, yeah," and my mom was li&e, "2ou re as handsome as a duc& in butter." ""here does she li$e, anyway." my dad as&ed. ") don t &now. +i&e, two hundred miles from here. ) $e ne$er been there. "hy." "6ust as&ing." "2ou re a catch," said my mother. "2ou re %ewter." That was no hel% at all, and the ne3t day, ) did really bad on a test, and ) came home, and ;iolet chatted me to say she couldn t tal&, she was, ) don t &now, learning ancient Swahili or building a re%lica of Carthage out of iron filings or finding the cure for entro%y or some shit, and ) was sitting around, staring at a corner of a room, where two of the walls and the floor came together, and my mom and dad caught me doing it, and my mom came u% and hugged me.

) could tell it was all staged. They d tried to find me. ) %atted Mom a little on the bac&, enough to say, Okay, yeah, enough !or a!!ection. 5ou can back o!! now, 4a. She did, and ) ho%ed they would lea$e, but they weren t done. So ) had to sit there and listen to about me. She said, "2ou re -ust the boy we wanted. 2ou re good enough for any girl. 2ou re -ust what we as&ed for." My dad was meg uncomfortable and &e%t on mo$ing from foot to foot. My mom ran her fingers through my hair, and roc&ed me bac& and forth, e$en though ) was standing, and she said, li&e a %oem, "2ou $e got your father s eyes and my nose." "And my mouth," said my dad. "And my hands," said my mom. "And the chin, dim%les, and hairline of !el7lacey Murdoch." ""hat." ) said. "This big actor," e3%lained my mom. ""e thought he was li&e the most beautiful man we d e$er seen in our li$es." ""ell," said my dad, "we thought he was going to be big." ""e saw a feedcast with him in it the night we . . . the night you were made." My mom win&ed. ""hat." ) said. ""hat was his name. 2ou ne$er told me about the actor." "#e was . . . "hat did you say his name was again, Ste$e." "!el7lacey Murdoch." "!el7lacey Murdoch," said my mom, &ind of smoothing things o$er. "That s right. And we thought he was the most beautiful man we d e$er seen. So after the mo$ie we went right to the conce%tionarium and told them, "e want the most beautiful boy you $e e$er made. "e want him with my nose and his dad s eyes, and for the rest, we ha$e this %icture of !el7lacey Murdoch. " ) said, ") $e ne$er e$en li&e heard of !el7lacey Murdoch." My father %layed ner$ously with his %instri%es. "#e didn t ... he didn t really ta&e off the way li&e we e3%ected. After that mo$ie, he was mostly ... ) guess . . . small roles." "#e starred in some things," said my mom. "Ste$e, he starred in a lot of things."

"Straight to daytime," said my dad. "#oney, he was the most beautiful actor e$er. So we went into the conce%tionarium, and told the geneticists what we wanted, and your father went in one room, and ) went in the other, and ..." "#eyhey) don t want to hear5" "2ou &now what he was in." said my dad. ",emember .irtual $last? #e %layed the fifth =a$y Seal, with the crou%. 2ou &now, coughing." "#e was in the feature with all the cra1y utensils," said my mother. "A few years ago. That one. #e was the doorman in the %illbo3 hat." ) had already %ulled u% a list of his feed(features and ) was going o$er them. =one of them got more than two stars. My %arents were chec&ing my feed, ) could feel them li&e %rodding it, and my mom was li&e, ")t doesn t matter what he was in," and she m(chatted something to my dad, and so he was li&e, "=o, no, that isn t the %oint." ""hat we re tal&ing about," said my mother, "is how handsome you are, and how bra$e you are." ""e $e decided that you $e been through a lot," said my father. "2ou $e been $ery bra$e," my mother re%eated. "2eah . . . ." ) said. ") -ust fell down. The guy touched me and ) -ust li&e, fell down." "2ou were bra$e," said my father. ""e $e decided you need a little cheering u%," said my mother. ) started to feel a little better. ) could feel their feeds shifting toward a common %oint, some &ind of banner they were %ulling u%. ""e $e decided to get you your own u%car," said my mother. "2ou can %ic& it," said my dad. ""ithin certain limits." "Oh, god5" ) said. "Oh, god5 Oh, Mom!adthis isoh, shit5 #oly shit5 Are you &idding5 2ou are li&e the best mom and dad e$er5" ""e re not &idding," said my dad. "#ere s the banner." And it unwra%%ed in my head, a banner for a dealer, and lin&s to other dealers, and a big line of credit, and ) was hugging them, and ) was li&e holy shit, by tomorrow ) would be dri$ing to %ic& u%

;iolet in my own goddamn u%car, and suddenly, suddenly, ) didn t feel so stu%id anymore. ooo C.what the *resident meant in the interce ted chat. This was, uh, nothing but a routine translation roblem. It has to be understood, that.. .It has to be understood that when the *resident re!erred to the *rime 4inister o! the <lobal )lliance as a 2big shithead,2 what he was trying to convey was, uhthis is an )merican idiom used to raise eo le, by re!erring to the sheer !ertili?ing ower o! their thoughts. The *resident meant to say that the *rime 4inister2s head was !ertile, 1ust !ull o! these nutrients where ideas can grow. It really was a com liment. We should say again that any attem t to withdraw the )lliance2s di lomatic resence !rom )merican soil will be taken as a sign o! ill will, and, uh, we are likely to res ond with the most stringent..." ooo lift My father too& me to test(dri$e u%cars on Saturday. ) had tried a lot of them in the feed(sim, but it s not the same as actually dri$ing them, and you should always test(dri$e a $ehicle before %urchasing it, because you ne$er &now what une3%ected factors will come into %lay. 'or e3am%le, ) disco$ered that the )llia Cloud had a windshield that was &ind of the wrong height for me, and ) didn t li&e the dashboard arrangement of the !odge Cormorant. "e %ic&ed ;iolet u% at the mall and too& her with us. /oth she and me were really e3cited by the whole thing, and we were chatting really fast the whole time, about what color to get, and whether the

red was too cheesy, or whether it was autumnal, which is what she said. "e too& them out to test(dri$e, with my father sitting ne3t to me. #e d be chatting with someone somewhere else while ) dro$e. #e d be loo&ing out the window, and wincing whene$er ;iolet or ) tal&ed out loud. #e had trouble thin&ing and hearing at the same time. "hen he was done chatting, he d as& me a 0uestion out loud, li&e, "#ow s she feel." ;iolet would tell me, ",esist the feed. +oo& into o3 carts." "2eah, than&s, ;iolet," my father would say. ""e re ha$ing serious decision flu3 here." #e d as& me, ""hat do you thin&." ) d tell him about the handling or the lift. ;iolet would say, "#ow about a howdah." !ad as&ed, ""hat s a howdah." "A seat on ele%hant(bac&." "7reat. 7reat. Than&s." Me and ;iolet wal&ed u% and down the rows of u%cars. ) was thin&ing about the Swar% and the !odge 7ry%hon. The Swar% didn t ha$e as much room in the bac&. )t was a little s%ortier. The !odge 7ry%hon had the larger bac& seat for your friends and shit, but it was a little lumbering. So here was the decision: !odge was bannering me with me dri$ing, and all of these %eo%le in bi&inis stuffed into the car with me, this big %arty, and with a beach ball, too, li&e ) could be the sceneH and =ongen, who made the Swar%, was showing a romantic dri$e through the mountains with -ust me and ;iolet, who they got %retty much right, e3ce%t they made her taller and with bigger boobs, and they made her chee&s &ind of s%ar&ly in a way that, if it were really ha%%ening, ) would try to wi%e off with a facecloth. ) didn t &now which to choose, because if ) got an u%car that was too small, then +in& and Marty might be li&e, ""e ll ta&e my car instead. More of us can fit in," and then ) would ha$e s%ent these

hundreds of thousands of dollars for nothing. /ut if ) bought the Swar%, it was a little more s%orty, and that might be brag, because the !odge 7ry%hon was maybe too family. "So you re getting this as a reward for being in the hos%ital." ;iolet as&ed. ") guess." "A little %resent from mommy and daddy." "2eah. They re buying it." She thought about this for a minute. Then she shoo& her head. "2ou re luc&y." "Are you saying ) m s%oiled." "=o." ")t seems li&e that s what you mean." "=o, that s not it." ) thought for a second, and said, "So what is it." "=othing." "+oo&, it s li&e a reward. ) m going to turn in e$idence in court and e$erything. ) mean, you are, too, but we re going to ha$e to go to court against that guy. "e should get something for that. "e deser$e it." She loo&ed at me strangely. ""hat." ) said. "=o one s told you." ) waited. #er eyebrow was arched. 'inally, ) ga$e in and said, "=o. =o one told me what." ""e re not going to court." ""e got out of it. My dad was trying to get us out of it." "#e didn t need to. The guy was dead." ""hat. #ow." "#e died a day after we went into the hos%ital. Contusions. /ro&en s&ull." ""hat are contusions." ) loo&ed it u%. "Oh." "#e was beaten to death at the club. "e saw it. The %olice, remember. They beat him o$er the head." She reached out and too& my arm. My father wal&ed toward us across the %a$ement, wa$ing. The %lastic flags were fla%%ing in the artificial wind while Mu1a& came out of hea$en. ) bought the !odge. a (uestion of moral

That night we all had dinner together, my family and ;iolet. My dad was real %roud of me, and was all, "#e dro$e home behind me. Can you li&e belie$e this shit. Our own son with his own u%car." ) couldn t sto% smiling. "2eah." ) was li&e, ")t s meg brag." My mom smiled at me. Smell 'actor wasn t listening to anything. #e had some cra%%y &ids music show blasting in his feed so loud his and ner$es were %robably shot. #e had a bunny %late and was ma&ing something with his burrito. "Are you going to ta&e ;iolet out in it." Mom as&ed. "Tomorrow. She and me are dri$ing out to li&e the country. She wants to go for a wal&. ) m %ic&ing her u%." ) couldn t hel% grinning li&e a shithead again. ;iolet smiled bac& at me. "There s a forest," said ;iolet. ")t s called 6efferson Par&. "e re thin&ing about going either there, or out to beef country." My dad nodded. ")t ll ha$e to be beef country," he said. "The forest s gone." "6efferson Par&." #e nodded, then s0uinted while he li&e clawed something off the roof of his mouth with his tongue. #e told us, "2eah. 6efferson Par&. 2eah. That was &noc&ed down to ma&e an air factory." "2ou re &idding5" said ;iolet. "2eah, that s what ha%%ened," said !ad, shrugging. "2ou got to ha$e air." ;iolet %ointed out, "Trees ma&e air," which &ind of worried me because ) &new !ad would thin& it was snotty. My father stared at her for a long time. Then he said, "2eah. Sure. !o you &now how inefficient trees are, ne3t to an air factory." "/ut we need trees5" "'or what." he said. ") mean, they re nice, and it s too bad, but li&e ... !o you &now how much real estate costs." ") can t belie$e they cut it down5" Mom said to Smell 'actor, "#ey. #ey5 Sto% %laying with your food."

Smell 'actor was head(banging with the feed music and turning his bunny %late around and around with his little %udgy fingers. My father told him, "This is dinner together. That means family networ&ing and defragging time." "They cut down 6efferson Par&. That is so li&e cor%orate" My father nodded and smiled at her with this meg condescending smile on his face, and was li&e, "!ude, ) remember when ) was li&e you. 2ou should grow u% to be a, you &now. Clean(air wor&er or something. !on t lose that. /ut remember. )t s about %eo%le. Peo%le need a lot of air." 'or a minute, we all ate without saying anything. ;iolet loo&ed either angry or embarrassed. ) chatted her about being sorry for what !ad said, but she didn t chat me bac&. ) thought !ad was being &ind of a -er& to ;iolet. ) wanted to say something, li&e, something that would be, you &now, something about how she was more right than he was. ) said, "#ey, ;iolet told me we re not going to court." "About what." my mother said. ""e were li&e assaulted." ) said. ",emember. The thing on the moon." "2eah, sure," said my dad. "=o, he s dead. There s no trial. "e $e all tal&ed about suing. "e ll %robably sue the nightclub, maybe the %olice." ) said, "=o one told me he was dead." My father chewed some. Smell 'actor was banging his head and singing along with the feed, ")ntercrural or oral. Ain t a 0uestion of moral." My father said to me, "There wasn t any reason for you to &now." "2es, there was." "=o, there wasn t." ")t s my feed." "2ou d -ust get worried." ") want to get worried. )f there s li&e some meg thing wrong." ")ntercrural or oral5 Ain t a 0uestion of moral5" My mom reached o$er and touched me on the wrist and said, "2ou re safe." !ad said, "2ou ha$e an u%car."

"The lunatic is dead," said my mother. "There s nothing to worry about." ;iolet said, ")t was frightening for all of us." "2eah, sure," said !ad, dismissing her &ind of -er&ily, "but that s no reason " ")ntercrural or oral5 Ain t a 0uestion of moral5" "Smell 'actor5" "That s not his name," said my mother. ")ntercrural or oral5 Ain t a 0uestion of moral5" ""hat would you" 3Intercrural or oral! )in2t a #uestion o! moral!3 "#ey5" yelled my mother. "#ey, you5 "e don t sing at the table5" "2ou re acting out of line," said my father, %ointing at me. ") m really disa%%ointed." "!oing what." ) said. ") m -ust as&ing." "!ude, ) -ust bought you an u%car, and you re being a brat." 5ou2re not being a brat, ;iolet chatted. "Sto% chatting," said my dad. ""hat are you saying." "+et them alone, Ste$e," said Mom. Suddenly, ) saw ;iolet free1e, and her eyes sto%%ed mo$ing and her face got all white. My dad was saying, "+oo&, we re going to sue the nightclub. O&ay." "Sure," ) said. ""hate$." "9uits." "9uits." "=ow maybe you better ta&e the girlf home. )n the new u%car. "ith the &eys ) -ust held out in my %alm li&e a gift. Oh, because it was a gift." My father got u% all %issy and too& the dishes into the &itchen. #e rattled them against the rim of the -un&tube as he threw them away. They crashed down into the thing, the incinerator. "2ou o&ay." ) said to ;iolet. ""e should go." ")t s -ust, my foot s fallen aslee%." "Sha&e it," ) said. She loo&ed down at the table. I mean my !oot isn2t working. 9on2t say anything. It2s ha ened a cou le o! times since the hack. ,omething 1ust won2t work !or an hour or two. 4y !inger or something. ) was li&e, 7oly shit. )re you okay?

I2m !ine. 9o you want some water? Titus, don2t worry about it. It2ll go away in a minute. It was -ust the stress. Try to move the !oot, 1ust try. She -ust sat there, smiling &ind of sic&, not mo$ing while right ne3t to her Mom and Smell 'actor crin&led u% the dis%osable table together and threw it away. ;iolet was still in her chair, near where the table had been. She was alone in the middle of the rug. 'inally, she mo$ed the foot. She mo$ed it slowly in circles. She breathed out really dee%. #er eyes were closed, li&e it was se3. ) held out my hand and %ulled her to her feet. She came to my arms li&e we were doing some &ind of flamenco rum%us. My mom smiled, and my dad, who was still %issed, said, "2eah. Cute." "e left a few minutes later. ) dro$e her most of the way to her house, and we met her father in a mall %ar&ing lot. )t was a new mall, with lots of s%otlights swinging through the s&y and rainbows going u% a giant %yramid. "e had to wait a few minutes for her dad to get there. "e -ust sat together, holding hands. )n my new !odge 7ry%hon. ) as&ed, "Are you sure you re o&ay." ") m fine. )t goes away." ) leaned my head against the window. "e were 0uiet. She was loo&ing at her &nees. She as&ed me, ""hat are you thin&ing about." ) loo&ed behind us. ) sighed, and ) was drumming my fingers on the steering column and all. ) said, ""hat if it really doesn t handle as good. 2ou &now, it s roomier, but what if it doesn t handle as good as the Swar%." She nodded. She said, "Are you at least o&ay with the color." ")t s a good red," ) said. ") guess." "Autumnal," she said. ")t s nice." "2ou re sure it s not li&e chea%." ")t s fall(li&e." ) smiled. "Than&s." She said, ") m a %each." "2eah. 2ou re a %each."

#er father was landing. ) couldn t see him through the glare of his windshield. She got out of the car. She &issed me. ) said ) would see her the ne3t morning. She &e%t turning and wa$ing as she wal&ed away across the %a$ement. The s%otlights wobbled o$er the CloudsJ. The %yramid glowed. ) rose u% into the s&y and turned the feed on to songs about %eo%le allowed to get out of the same bed, and to eat brea&fast together, two toasts on the $ery same %late. ooo 2:ause i! love :an2t hel us !rom above, :an2t hel us like a dove, With wings so !ull o! love, Then let me go. )nd i! ho e Is nothing hut a do e Who2s holding on to ro e Then I don2t think I can co e, ,o let me go, 9arling, Let me go. $ut... $ut, i! !aith Is more than 1ust a wraith )nd is in real good !aith Then let us both have !aith )nd hold me tight. 2:ause 3touching3 Is not 1ust that it2s touching, $ut that we both are touching, Like with our mouths are touching, ,o hold me tight, 9arling, 7old me tight. 7o-oh-old me tight. 7old me tight. 7old me tight. ooo obser%e the remarkable

%erdure The ne3t day, ) followed my feed s directions to her house. ) dro$e about two hundred miles to get to the general area. )t was a good day for a wal& in the country, because there were these big occasional CloudsJ, but mostly blue. The sun was reflecting in darts off all the u%cars that %assed me. #er neighborhood was down a long dro%tube. ) &e%t on going down and down through all these different suburbs, called 'o3 7len and Caleby 'arm *states and "ater($iew Par&, until ) hit the bottom of the tube, where it was called Cre$ille #eights. Cre$ille #eights was all one big area, instead of each yard ha$ing its own bubble with its own sun and seasons. They must $e had -ust one sun for the whole %lace. All the houses were really old and flat. The streets were blue and crac&ed, and they were streets, ) mean, li&e for when things went on the ground. Their sun was u% and you could see the s&y was %eeling. ) found her house, which was a little house with her %arents u%car %ar&ed outside it and some &ind of a scul%ture in the yard, with some hoo%s or loo%s and a floating, s%i&y ball. ) %ar&ed ne3t to the house with the u%car still le$itated, and ) climbed down and went to the door. The doorbell %layed a %iece of music, which ) could hear through the door, which was wood. She came to the door, and she was all smiling, and she was so glad to see me, and ) was glad to see her. She in$ited me in to meet her dad, who was at home. ) went in. The %lace was a mess. *$erything had words on it. There were %a%ers with words on them, and boo&s, and e$en %osters on the wall had words. #er father loo&ed li&e a cran&. #e was sitting in a lawn chair in the li$ing room, hunched o$er li&e a hunchbac&, sorting %u11le %ieces. #is bac& honestly had a big hunch, which was from a really, really early feedscanner, from bac& when they

wore them in a big bac&%ac& on their bac&, with s%ecial glasses that had foldout screens on either side of your eyes. #e wore the glasses, too, and when we shoo& hands ) could see %ictures and words reflecting on his eyeballs, li&e when you stir water in the sun. #e held out his hand. #e said, ")t is a fine %leasure to meet you and ma&e your ac0uaintance." #e had a $ery slight smile, which didn t change when he mo$ed his mouth. #e s%o&e with this bu11ing, flat &ind of $oice. #e said, ") am filled with astonishment at the regularity of your features and the handsome generosity you ha$e shown my daughter. The two of you are close, which gladdens the heart, as close as twin wings torn off the same butterfly." ;iolet said, "2ou can see why ) don t ta&e him out in %ublic much." "The sarcasm of my daughter notwithstanding, it is nonetheless an occasion of great moment to meet one of her erotic attachments. )n the line of things, she has not brought them home, but has chosen instead to conduct her trysts at remote locales, %erha%s beach huts or o3ygen(rich confabularies." "The sur%rising thing is," said ;iolet, "when he flun&ed out of charm school, it was because he couldn t learn the minuet." "She meets them at the drama, ) %resume, or s%ea&easies." ""hy don t we lea$e," ;iolet suggested, "while my last shred of dignity is still at least as big as a thong." ) was li&e, ")t was ... )t was real good to meet you." ) said, ""e re going out into the country for the day ) ll ta&e real good care of her." ) was trying to be li&e a man to another man, li&e res%onsible. #e nodded. #e flattened his hand, and lifted off with it li&e it was a !odge 7ry%hon, and he was ma&ing an engine noise, and then he flew his hand toward some boo&s and landed it. #e made these chir%y noises li&e the windows rolling down. #e said in a high(%itched $oice, li&e a teensy(weensy &ind of $oice, "Ooooooh5 Obser$e the remar&able $erdure5 +ittle friend, ) am master of all ) sur$ey."

) nodded. ;iolet had the door o%ened. "e went out and climbed into the 7ry%hon. "e %ulled on our seat belts. ""ow," ) said. "2eah." ) lifted us off and we floated down the street. "#e s something." "So far as my social life goes, what stri&es me as a good idea is lea$ing him in the basement wra%%ed in a cocoon of %in& insulation." ") didn t understand a single thing he said." "#e says the language is dying. #e thin&s words are being debased. So he tries to s%ea& entirely in weird words and irony, so no one can sim%lify anything he says." "e turned a corner. ""here s your mom." ) as&ed. "Probably South America," ;iolet said. "She li&es it warm." "Are they di$orced." "They ne$er married." "2our life ... )t must be &ind of strange." "Meaning what." "6ust.. . it s not. .. the things that most of us . . . do." "=o," she said, li&e she wanted to change the to%ic. ) hit the dro%tube, and we fell u%. a day in the country "e flew for an hour or so out into farm country. "hile we flew, she told me the story of her family, which was that her mom and dad met when they were in grad school, and decided to li$e together as an e3%eriment in lifestyle, and had her. Then e$erything was fine for a few years, but when she was about si3 or se$en her %arents started li&e fighting all the time, and yelling all the time and stuff, and her mother ran away. ) as&ed her if that was when her father started to get li&e he was, ) mean, hard to understand, and she said he was always hard to understand, but after her mother left was when he started to get com%letely li&e he was. She %layed me some sa$ed memories of him lecturing. #e was %acing u% and down through the

lecture hall and he was saying, ")n the nineties, the older %rogramming languages, with their em%hasis on neoclassical, e$en Aristotelian logical structures, ga$e way to ob-ect( oriented interacti$e structures." #is shoes scra%ed along the tiled floor. #e loo&ed all his students in the eye, li&e he was challenging them to a fight. #e leaned toward them and said, ")n ob-ect( oriented %rogramming, discrete software ob-ects interfaced more freely, in a system of cor%orate ser$ice %ro$ision that mirrored the emergent structures of late ca%italism." "ho the hell &nows what he meant, but suddenly, he seemed &ind of %owerful, li&e someone who shouldn t necessarily be wound u% in a cocoon of %in& insulation and hidden in a basement somewhere. #e was li&e a different guy. She said the only time he actually tal&ed li&e a normal human being was sometimes when he was big tired and they were eating dinner before he went to bed. She and he too& turns ma&ing dinner. They had -ust got a 8itchnet food synthesi1er. She as&ed for my family s story, but it wasn t as interesting. 6ust da da da, my %arents met through some friend, da da da, they went out, they started to li$e together, da da da, they went to ;enus, da da da, you &now, they re sitting in this restaurant on ;enus, bac& when ;enus was called The Love *lanet, with Love %ronounced Lerv, bac& before the moulting(0ua&es and the u%risings, so they re sitting there, and my dad holds u% his hand, and it has this big lum% on one of the fingers, li&e some &ind of cyst. And my mom s li&e, ,teve, what2s that, is it malignant? and he goes, 7oney, I ho e it2s benign, and he %ulls a little %ull(tab and the s&in un%eels and under it is an engagement ring for her, already on his finger5 So he ta&es it off and sli%s it on her finger and it constricts and clam%s on and she s li&e, Omigod! Omigod! and e$eryone in the restaurant starts cla%%ing. And she s li&e, ;o, I don2t have any like circulation to my !inger, and so they had to go to a -eweler really 0uic& and get it

ad-usted, which is why whene$er they ha$e a fight and ma&e u%, my mom always has this -o&e. She goes, 5u , married, and with the scars to rove it. )t felt good to hear ;iolet s story, and to tell mine, e$en though hers was &ind of more interesting than mine. ) said it must be hard for her dad to bring her u% and home(school her himself. She said it was, that he wor&ed real hard at it, and also wor&ed real hard teaching. She was %roud of him, e$en though he wasfrom what ) could see. li&e, in my o%inion.an insane %sycho%ath. Our feeds caught a banner from a farm that in$ited $isitors, where you could wal& around and see e$erything grow, so we swer$ed for there and landed. There weren t many other %eo%le there that day, so we were almost alone while we wal&ed around. )t was real %eaceful. "e wal&ed along holding hands, and our elbows rubbed, too. ;iolet wasn t wearing slee$es, so ) could see the little frowns made by her elbows. )t smelled li&e the country. )t was a filet mignon farm, all of it, and the tissue s%read for miles around the %aths where we were wal&ing. )t was li&e these huge hedges of red all around us, with these beautiful marble %atterns running through them. They had these tubes, they were bringing the tissue blood, and we could see the blood running around, u% and down. )t was really interesting. ) li&e to see how things are made, and to understand where they come from. )t was a %erfect afternoon. They had made %art of it into a stea& ma1e, for tourists, and we s%lit u% in the stea& ma1e and tried to see who could get to the center first. "e were li&e running around corners and %ee&ing and di$ing, and there were these mirrors set u% to confuse you, so you d see all these none3istent beef hallways. "e were big laughing and we d run into each other and growl and bac& away. There were other tourists in the stea& ma1e, too, and they thought we were cute. Then we sat and had some cider doughnuts that we bought at the farm stand. "e got some that

were %lain and some cinnamon. ) li&ed the cinnamon better. ;iolet said that it was im%ortant to start with the %lain, so that the cinnamon seemed more li&e a change. She said she had a theory that e$erything was better if you delayed it. She had this whole thing about self( control, o&ay, and the im%ortance of self(control. 'or e3am%le, she said, when she bought something, she wouldn t let herself order it for a long time. Then she would -ust go to the %urchase site and show it to herself. Then she d let herself get fed the sense(sim, you &now, she d let herself &now how it would feel, or what it would smell li&e. Then she would go away and wouldn t loo& for a wee&. Then she would go bac& finally and order it, but only if it was on bac& order and wouldn t be shi%%ed immediately. Then finally when it was ready to shi%, she d li&e be, oh, hey, ) don t want it shi%%ed hour rate, ) want it slow, slow rate. So it would ta&e li&e three days to get to her, and then she d lea$e it in the bo3. 'inally, she d o%en the bo3 -ust enough to see li&e the hem of the s&irt or whate$er. She would touch it, -ust &nowing it was hers. She d run her fingers along it &ind of delicate. 6ust along the edge of it, not e$en really letting herself touch it com%letely, -ust gently, with her fingerti%s, or maybe the bac& of her hand. She would wait for days until she couldn t stand it anymore to ta&e it out and try it on. At this %oint, ) was com%letely turned on. ) wanted to get more doughnuts, but it was this debate between getting more doughnuts, which were really good doughnuts, but not being able to stand u% because ) had com%lete %rong. So we sat for a while -ust where we were and ) flattened out the doughnut bag with my hand on the table(to%. 2ou could tell how good the doughnuts were because they left a clear ring on the %a%er. +ater, we went and climbed u% an obser$ation tower o$er the farm. )t was getting to be sunset, so it was meg %retty.

"e were sitting side by side, with our legs swinging on the wall of the tower, and the CloudsJ were all turning %in& in front of us. "e could see all these miles of filet mignon from where we were sitting, and some %laces where the genetic coding had gone wrong and there, in the middle of the beef, the tissue had formed a horn or an eye or a heart blin&ing u% at the sunset, which was this brag red, and which hit on all those miles of muscle and made it fle3 and 0ui$er, with all these shudders running across the to% of it, and birds were flying o$er, crying &ind of sad, maybe seagulls loo&ing for garbage, and the whole thing, with the beef, and the birds, and the s&y, it all glowed li&e there was a light inside it, which it was time to show us now. +ater, when we were flying bac& in the dar&, lit u% by the dashboard, she as&ed me, ")f you could die any way you wanted, how would you li&e to." ) said, ""hy you as&ing." She said, ") $e -ust been thin&ing about it a lot." ) thought for a while. Then ) said, ") d li&e to ha$e this li&e, this intense %leasure in e$ery one of my senses, all of them so full u% that they -ust burst me o%en, and the feed li&e going a mile a second, so that it s li&e e$ery channel is -ust -ammed with e3citement, and it s going faster and faster and better and better, until -ust/AM5 That s it, ) guess. ) d li&e to die from some &ind of sense o$erload." She nodded. ) said, ") m going to do that when ) get real old and boring." She said, "2eah. 2ou &now, ) thin& death is shallower now. )t used to be a hole you fell into and &e%t falling. =ow it s -ust a blan&." "e flew o$er a la&e. The bottom had been co$ered with a huge blue ad that was lit u% and magnified by the water, which had a %icture of a smiling brain and broadcasted "!ynacom )nc." when you loo&ed at it. ) was li&e, ""hat are you as&ing for."

She said, ")t ma&es good times e$en better when you &now they re going to end. +i&e grilled $egetables are better because some of them is %artly soot." ) wanted to %oint out that that was %robably because her dad made them, but that if someone good ma&es them, they re %robably not %artly soot, but ) didn t thin& that was her %oint, about $egetables, so ) -ust &e%t flying, and ) said, "This was a good time." and she said, "One of the best," and ) said, "So when it s time for them to do a %leasure o$erload on me, are you going to be around to gi$e the order to cut the -uice." She loo&ed at me, sur%rised. 'or a second, she was li&e com%letely confused. )t was li&e ) d said something else. Then she saw what ) meant, and she laughed li&e ) d gi$en her a %resent. She said, ")f you ll let me, sure. Sure ) ll be there." She leaned o$er, really sudden, and &issed me on the chee&. Then she whis%ered, ") ll be the first one, dum%ling, to %ull your %lug." The way she said it, %ull your %lug, it sounded &ind of se3y. ,ight then, e$erything seemed %erfect. ) dro%%ed her off, and we %lanned other things, and did a secret handsha&e. ) dro$e bac& toward home listening to some brag new trium%h screams by /ritish storm n chunder bands. "hen ) got home, the lights were out, but they came on for me. ) wal&ed through the em%ty house, and got ready for bed, and lay there thin&ing about how %erfect e$erything was. ) could feel my family all around me. ) could trace their feeds faintly, because they weren t shielding them. Smell 'actor was dreaming while a fun(site with tal&ing giraffes sang him songs and showed him wonderful things in different sha%es. My %arents were u%stairs going in mal, which they wouldn t want me to &now, but which ) could tell, because they chose a really flashy, e3%ensi$e malfunction site that was easy to trace. They were winding down together, ) guess. +i&e, you can only go on being

com%letely fugue(stressed for so long without winding down. ) could feel all of my family aslee% in their own way around me, in the em%ty house, in our bubble, where we could turn on and off the sun and the stars, and the feed s%o&e to me real 0uiet about new trends, about %ants that should be shorter or longer, and bands ) should &now, and games with new le$els and stalactites and fields of diamonds, and friends of many colors were all drin&ing Co&e, and beer was washing through mountain %asses, and the stars of the Oh? Wow! Thing! had got lesions, so lesions were hi% now, real hi%, and mine loo&ed li&e a million dollars. The sun was rising o$er foreign countries, and underwear was chea%, and there were new techni0ues to reconfigure %ecs, abs, and ni%%les, and the President of the 4nited States was certain of the future, and at "eatherbee I Crotch there was a sale banner and nice rugby shirts and there were %ictures of frec&led %re%(school boys and girls in chinos %laying on the beach and dry hum%ing in the eel grass, and as ) fell aslee%, the feed murmured to me again and again: )ll shall be well... and all shall be well. .. and all manner o! things shall be well. ooo ... First, in the deserts and veldts arose oral culture, the culture o! the s oken word. Then in the cities with their tem les and ba?aars came the ictogra hs, and later, symbols that roduced sounds as i! by magic, and what !ollowed was written culture. Then, in the universities and under the stee les o! young nations, rint culture. Theseoral culture, written culture, the culture o! rintthese have always been considered the great e ochs o! man. $ut we have entered a new age. We are a new eo le. It is now the age o! oneiric culture, the culture o! dreams. )nd we are the nation o! dreams. We are seers. We are wi?ards. We s eak in visions. Our letters are like !locks o! doves, released !rom under our hats. We have only to stretch out our hand and desire, and what we wish !or settles like a kerchie! in our alm.

We are a race o! sorcerers, enchanters. We are )tlantis. We are the wi?ard-isle o! 4u. What we wish !or, is ours. It is the age o! oneiric culture. )nd we, )merica, we are the nation o! dreams. ooo nudging again +ater that night, ) had nightmares. Someone was %o&ing my head with a broom handle. They tried to %ut it li&e in my ear. They said, ""his%ering ma&es a narrow %lace narrower." Then came all these %ictures, and ) was seeing all o$er the world, and there were e3%lanations, but ) was still aslee%, and ) couldn t figure them out. ) saw &ha&is that were really chea%, only AMGK, but ) didn t li&e the stitching, and then ) saw them torn and there was blood on them. )t was a riot on a street, and %eo%le were screaming in some other language, they were in &ha&is or -eans and T(shirts, and they were throwing stones and bottles, and the %olice were mo$ing forward on horses, and a man in the crowd wa$ed a gun, and then the firing started. They were in front of factories, and clouds of gas drifted through them and the American flags they were burning started to s%ar& big, and the gas got dar&er and dar&er, and the %eo%le s%ed u%, li&e a -o&e, grabbing at their nec&s and wa$ing and sitting and sla%%ing the ground. They fell down. ) saw a sign with a %icture of a head with a little de$il sitting in the brain, inside the s&ull, with these li&e energy bolts coming out of his mouth. ) saw fields and fields of blac&, it was this disgusting blac& shit, s%read for miles. ) saw walls of concrete fall from the s&y and crush little wood houses. ) saw a furry animal trying to stand u% on its legs but the bac& ones were bro&en or not wor&ing, and it dragged itself with the front ones, whim%ering, through some%lace with gray dust, and needles coming out of the sand. )ts -aws were

o%en. ) saw long cables going through the sea. ) saw girls sewing things, little girls in big halls. ) saw %eo%le %raying o$er missiles. ) smelled the summer in this roc&y %lace, and the summer smelled li&e electrical burns. ) saw a &id loo&ing at me, he was a &id from another culture, where they wear dresses, and there were all of these shadows all o$er his face, these ama1ing shadows, and ) thought it was a really cool %icture, to get all of those weird shadows somehow, but with nothing ma&ing them, and finally, ) reali1ed that they weren t shadows, they were bruises, and then the end of a gun, it s called the butt, it came down and hit him in the face and then all the %ictures were o$er. 7ey, ;iolet said. 7ey. Was that you? ) was li&e, What? What2s the thing? With ...the...? 9id I wake you u ? Okay, could .. .is she... ? 7eylook lively. ,omeone was 1ust nosing around my !eed, checking out my s ecs and sending me all these images. It was robably a cor . 9on2t. . . Oh, unit, I can2t believe you com letely 1olted me. I was having this weird-ass dreaming. I don2t think it was a cor . They didn2t have a tag. 9on2t you have a shield? They got right wham through the shield. Oh, unit. Oh, unit. I2m... 9o you know how aslee I was? I called FeedTech :ustomer )ssistance. I2m going to re ort this. ,omething2s ha ening. Oh, okay. ,hit. Okay. ,o can I go like back to slee ? 5ou sure it wasn2t you? Anetteit wasn2t me. I was so aslee , it was like . . . It was like ten aslee !actor. They can trace who it was, I bet. 5eah. 4aybe. 5ou didn2t see any o! this? The images? What o!? There2s someone else here. :an you !eel it? Who?

,omeone else. They 1ust ta ed in, 1ust a second ago. A $oice said, 7i, this is ;ina !rom FeedTech :ustomer )ssistance. Thank god. )re you tired o! the same old shoulders? Why not try e/tensions? ;iolet was li&e, ,omeone 1ust a roached my !eed. They were checking the s ecs and stats. )nd what can I do to hel you this morning? 5ou need to !ollow them and see, somehow, see who it was. @uickly . . . @uickly! .iolet, I2d love to res ond ersonally to each and every re#uest !or assistance, but un!ortunately I2m unable to, due to increased customer demand, so I2ve sent this automated intelligence ;ina to talk to you instead. ;o, you don2t understand. Looking at your recent urchase history, I notice that you2ve e/ ressed interest in a lot o! roducts you haven2t bought. )re you having trouble making u your mind with so much cool stu!! to choose !rom? :an you lease connect me with a live o erator? .iolet, I think I can hel you come u with roducts that really say, 35ou.3 They2ll shout, 35ou! 5ou! 5ou!3 as i! it was always ,aturday! Oh, I know! 5ou2re almost a woman, and you want things that are totally big .iolet! That2s where I can hel ! )ll right, chatted ;iolet. ;o thanks. Thanks. I2m done. ,ometimes choices are hard to make. Fuck o!!. This automated intelligence ;ina can hel you throw away the badand !ind the good! I can hel you !ind the great roducts that are uni#uely the woman known as 34s. .iolet 9urn3! Fuck o!!! Okay, it doesn2t seem like you want to talk right now. ,o I2m going back to my little hole. There, I2ll be sorting and si!ting, and trying to make li!e as easy and interesting as ossible !or you and your !riend and all o! our e/cellent customers at FeedTech making your dreams into

hard !actD. Okay. Thanks. Thanks a big lot. )nd thank you, .iolet 9urn o! %"E% ) lebaum )venue. I2ll look !orward to hel ing you again, whenever you :an I go back to slee ? ) as&ed. I had these really weird dreams. ;iolet seemed &ind of without any energy. She was li&e, <o ahead. I2ll talk to you tomorrow. "e said good night. She was slow. ) turned o$er and curled u%, and the %ictures %laying in my head now were better, not so $iolent or suc&y. They were more of women in turtlenec&s %etting my hair. ) heard some music. ) fell aslee%. )t was a dee% slee%, and ) didn t wa&e u% until morning. ooo )t is an u%car tearing along o$er the desert. )t cuts brag swer$es through %asses and o$er gulches. ,omeone once said it was easier !or a camel to ass through the eye o! a needle than !or a rich guy to get into heaven. There is a city. A mar&et%lace. Camels. Arabs. The u%car shoots o$erhead, and they duc&. 5eah, sure. =ow we know that the 3eye o! the needle3 is 1ust another name !or a gate in =erusalemand with the ,war F>-%% 2s mega(le%ton li!t and electrokinetic gyrostasis, you can !li ninety degrees to the ground and back again in one- oint-two secondsso getting through the gate 1ust won2t he a roblem anymore. The ,war F>-%%6 5ou can take it with you. ooo the real thing One Saturday, a few days after we saw the riot from the news in our dreams, there was this %romotion, where if you tal&ed about the great taste of Coca(Cola to your friends li&e a thousand times, you got a free si3(%ac& of it, so we decided to ta&e them for some meg ride by all getting together and being li&e, :oke, :oke, :oke, :oke for about three hours so we d get a year s su%%ly )t was a chance to ri% off the cor%orations, which we all thought was a funny idea.

) %ic&ed u% ;iolet at her house and we dro$e to Marty s, where e$eryone was meeting. "hen we got there, Calista and +oga were getting out of Calista s car, and it was li&e, Whoa, because they were wearing all torn(u% clothes. They were wal&ing normal, but they loo&ed li&e they d been burned u% and hit with stuff. ) ran o$er to them. ) was going, "#oly shit5 Are you o&ay. "hat ha%%ened." and ;iolet, too, she was going, "#eyare you o&ay." They stood there and loo&ed at us, then loo&ed at each other li&e, Omigod! ,omeone is oo iehead! "2uh," said +oga. ")t s ,iot 7ear. )t s retro. )t s beat u% to loo& li&e one of the big twentiethcentury riots. )t s been big since earlier this wee&." ) was li&e, "Oh." ;iolet was li&e, "Sorry." "=o wrong," said Calista, fli%%ing her hair. "hen we went inside, Marty and 9uendy were also wearing ,iot 7ear. *$eryone was going, 7i! 7ey! 7ey! 7i! Anit! What2s doing? "#ey5" said +oga to 9uendy, %ointing. "8ent State collection, right. 7reat s&irt5" 9uendy bowed her legs out. ")t s not a s&irtit s culottes5" "Ohhh, cute5" Calista said, "That loo&s great on you5" 9uendy didn t say anything to Calista, because Calista had -ust %ut her arm around +in& and they were smelling each other s faces, and 9uendy was -ealous. "4nits5" said Marty. ")nto thein herefuc& yeah, maninto the li$ing room. 8ay &ay &ay &ay. ,ight in here." "e grabbed some seats. "O&ay," said Marty. "O(fuc&in (&ay5" #e nodded. "Coca(Cola5" "e waited to start. "e were li&e waiting. "e all sat there for a minute, loo&ing li&e we were smiling, but in reality, not. *ach of us loo&ed

at e$eryone else s face. ;iolet chatted me, This is like when I was twelve, and we had this slumber arty and agreed to show each other our boohs. I think we !inally 1ust gave u and watched America s 4nli&eliest Allergy Attac&s. "So . . . ," said Marty, &ind of snea&y. "Anyone u% for the great taste of. . . Co&e." +oga said, ") li&e its refreshing fla$or." ")t s really good on a really hot day," said +in&. "There s nothing li&e an ice( cold Co&e." ") li&e regular Co&e," said 9uendy "but also the fantastic taste of !iet Co&e." +in& %inched Calista. She &ind of sighed, "Me, too." Marty said, "Co&e, its great taste, it s so good that ) would beat u% a guy if he had one and ) really wanted it." "Anyone." said +in&. "2ou and Co&e." +oga said, "Co&e, it s really good, almost as good as Pe%si." "4nette5" said Marty. " Almost . 2ou -ust lost us one5 The fuc&in count -ust went down." ) said 0uic&ly, ") li&e Co&e because of the energy." +in& %inched Calista. She &ind of sighed, "Me, too." ;iolet said, ") lo$e the great feeling of Co&e s carbonation going down my throat, all the %ain, li&e ..." She wa$ed her hands in the air and loo&ed at the ceiling, trying to thin& of something. She said, ")t s li&e sweet gra$el. )t s li&e a bunch of itsy(bitsy commuters running for a shuttle in my wind%i%e." *$eryone was loo&ing at her. ) could feel them chatting each other, saying that was stu%id. ) sat nearer to her. ) %ut my hand on her bac&. She was saying, "Sometimes ) try to thin& bac& to the first time ) e$er had Co&e. /ecause it must ha$e hurt, but ) can t remember. #ow could we e$er ha$e started to en-oy it. )f something s an ac0uired taste, li&e, how do you start to ac0uire it. 'or that matter, who ga$e me Co&e the first time. My father. ) don t thin& so. "ho would hand a &id a Co&e and thin&, #er first one. ) m so %roud. #ow do we e$en start."

There was a long, silent %art. Then Marty said, "2eah. That may ha$e cost us a few. #ey, how about the great foaming ca%abilities of Co&e." And then we were onto this whole thing, about Co&e fights, and Co&e floats, and Co&e %romotions, and we went on and on and on, but ;iolet didn t say anything else, -ust sat there silently. The guys &e%t going. ) was laughing e3tra loud at e$erything, because ) didn t want %eo%le to notice that ;iolet was all clammy. So ) was yelling all these carbonation things and trying to bring her bac& in, and the other guys were going s%astic and throwing %illows at each other. "e were li&e rum and Co&e, stadium Co&e, flat Co&e, bottled Co&e, Co&e and nachos, Co&e and hot dogs, hot Co&e, Cherry Co&e, Co&e on ta%, com%arati$e suc&iness of, until finally there was another 0uiet %art, and +in& said, "#ey, Marty(unit, do you actually ha$e any Co&e." Marty was li&e, "=o. /ut, fuc&, aren t you getting li&e meg thirsty. "ith all of this tal&ing about the great taste of Co&e." "e loo&ed at our feet for a minute. ) mo$ed my butt around on the, it s called an ottoman. "+et s go out and get some," said +in&. "2eah. +et s go to the store." ""hich store." "There s a #alt n /uy u% on li&e, near the S%orts 7iant." "e were all standing u%. Marty was li&e announcing, "O&ay, we ll go out and get some of the great be$erage of Co&e, with its refreshing fla$or," but no one was really rattling that way now. +oga and Calista were whis%ering to each other, with ;iolet wal&ing behind them. They saw she was near them, and they changed the sub-ect. "Oh, and omigod5" said Calista. "Are those the Stonewall Clogs. They re so brag." "2eah," said +oga. "Omigod. They loo& wholly comfy. Are they comfy."

"They re %retty comfy." +oga %ic&ed u% her foot and %layed with her flowery clog, and she was li&e, ") got a si1e se$en, but it feels more li&e a man s si1e se$en." "This to% is the "atts ,iot to%." ;iolet said, ") can ne$er &ee% any of the riots straight. "hich one was the "atts riot." Calista and +oga sto%%ed and loo&ed at her. ) could feel them flashing chat. "+i&e, a riot," said Calista. ") don t &now, ;iolet. +i&e, when %eo%le start brea&ing windows and beating each other u%, and they ha$e to call in the co%s. A riot. 2ou &now. ,iot." "Oh, ) -ust thought you might . . . &now. . . . Maybe ... ) wondered what incited it." ;iolet was %laying 0uic&ly with her own hands. "2eah," said Calista. ") was -ust as&ing," said ;iolet. "O&ay." ") was -ust..." "2eah. )ncited. " ""hat. )t s not li&e ) was saying something mean or stu%id." "=o. O&ay. +oga, are we going." They &e%t on wal&ing. +oga said, "Put that in your meti1abism." Calista said, ""hat s a meti1abism." "Oh, sorry. ) thought it was good to use stu%id, long words that no one can understand." Calista laughed and loo&ed bac&ward, going, "Shhh. She ll hear you and ha$e an al%oduffin . . . fleatcher." )n my head, ) was li&e, Oh shit. ;iolet was chatting me. 9id you hear that? I can2t stand this anymore. ) was li&e, What do you mean? They were 1ust these meg bitches. Will you take me home? ) was li&e, =ust let it blow. Let it blow. ;o wrong. They hate me. ;o one hates you. 5our !riends hate me. They think I2m stu id. ;o one!uck!no one thinks you2re stu id. 5eah, I don2t mean dumb stu id.

We can2t leave them now. It would be like a total rash on their ass i! we went. They 1ust insulted me. Anit, they didn2t. They thought what ) said during the game was stu id. They think everything I say is weird and stu id. What is your roblem? Take me home. +in& was li&e, "2ou coming with." ;iolet was li&e, Take me home. Fuck! Why? Fuck. I want to leave. "=o," ) said to +in&. ";iolet, uh, she has to go home." "4nit," said +in&. "The %arty s -ust begun. "e ha$en t e$en filled the bathtub with anything from the &itchen yet." ") $e really got to go," said ;iolet, smiling li&e she was sha&ing hands with the members of the fric&in PTA. *$eryone was going out to get in their u%cars and go get some stuff at the store. Calista was showing off her "TO riot "indbrea&er. ;iolet and me said good(bye. "e got in my u%car. "e too& off. Then we started to fight. fight and flight ) flew down the main tube in Marty s community. )t was a gated community, and ) waited to get out through the neighborhood s security s%hincter. )t %ulled o%en, and ) flew out into the dro%tube, going li&e a million miles an hour so that ;iolet would -er& bac& in her seat. Then when ) was going u%, ) had this idea that instead of li&e throwing her around by going too fast, ) would be li&e 0uiet angry li&e my father got, and ) d -ust do e$erything e/actly right, e$erything u% to the centigram. So ) flew really good when ) got u% abo$e the surface, going o$er the shantytowns that had been

built u% around the cooling stee%les. ) flew %erfect. ) could see the others come out of the dro%tube behind me, and they were heading off to the stri%. "e went for a while. )t was raining. There was all of the lights from the factory towers below us, those really hard lights, those bright white ones. They were shining through all the gases, abo$e the tubing and the tan&s and ladders. There were cargo shi%s anchored in the s&y ) flew around them, %olitely, li&e a gentleman. "e were too angry to s%ea& out loud. Our -aws were li&e grrrrrvvvvv. So we started to chat. She was li&e, What? ;othing. What nothing? What nothing what? She was li&e, What are you angry about? ) breathed, loud and &ind of angry. Why are we going away? $ecause they were making !un o! me. ) didn t say anything. ) was li&e, to myself, This is dumb. The whole thing was dumb. )t was stu%id, and it %issed me off. ;iolet was %ushing me, li&e, "ell. So ), li&e a shithead, said, "ell, maybe you shouldn2t, you know, show o!! like that. ,how o!!? Like what? Like the way you do sometimes. Asing weird words. I don2t use weird words. Okay. ,aying weird shit. "Oh, screw you5" she yelled out loud. ""hat do you mean." "2ou &now what ) mean. )t s, li&e . . . )t s something ) li&e about you, but you ha$e to .. . li&e . . ." "2ou li&e it about me. "hat is it you li&e." ") li&e . . . you &now, you re so funny, and beautiful, and you ..." "*$eryone s beautiful. *$eryone s %retty as a %ansy in a blister %ac&. That s not what you re tal&ing about." "2ou can be a little .. . 2ou can ... )t s &ind of scary for %eo%le sometimes. )t feels ... )t sometimes feels li&e you re watching us, instead of being us."

""ell, ) m not used to the things you re used to." ") m -ust telling you how it sometimes ... it feels." "Than&s for telling me how it feels." ") m -ust telling you." "Than&s." "e dro$e on. On ,ky O!!enders, they were ha$ing a li$e thing about drug smugglers getting caught on %arasails. There was a lot of static from her chat brea&ing through. She was %ushing it hard. ) dro%%ed my feedwall and let her chat me again. 5ou think I2m a bitch, don2t you? This is stu id. This is dumb. She stared out the window. There2s something else wrong, isn2t there? ) as&ed her. Isn2t there? =othing. =o answer. 'or a long time, nothing. Then ) was li&e, Is there something else wrong? She loo&ed at me. ) could tell she was trying, not to cry. She said, "2es." ) was li&e, What is it? She whis%ered, "Tal& to me. )n the air." ) was li&e biting my li%. ) hate these &inds of con$ersations. ) was feeling com%letely s0ueam. ) went, "O&ay. "hat s, uh, what s wrong." 'or a long time, we went through columns of smo&e. They were coming u% from below. They were li&e the rows of trees u% the sides of +in& s dri$eway. )f we had been ha%%ier, ) would ha$e done them slalom. They were as gray as, ) don t &now. They were -ust gray, o&ay. The rain hit them. She said, "My feed is really malfunctioning." ",ight now." ") can t feel it right now. /ut yes." "7o to a technician." ") ha$e. ) $e gone to a bunch. ) don t thin& you .. . O&ay, my feed is really, really malfunctioning." ") don t understand. 2ou told me this already." "Shut u%. ) $e been going to technicians. The feed(ware is starting to %roduce ma-or errors." She loo&ed scared. She wasn t loo&ing at me. ) could feel how much she wasn t loo&ing at me but was

loo&ing other %laces. ") got my feed later . . . than some &ids." She said e$enly, ") got my feed really late." "2ou told me. So." "/ut the %roblem is, if you get the feed after you re fully formed, it doesn t fit as snugly. ) mean, the feedware. )t s more susce%tible to malfunction." "Susce%tible." ")t can brea& down more easily." ""hat does this mean." "=obody &nows. The feed is tied in to e$erything. 2our body control, your emotions, your memory. *$erything. Sometimes feed errors are fatal. ) don t &now. ) could lose ... ) don t &now. They thought it would stabili1e. /ut it didn t. )t s getting worse. Meg worse. They told me yesterday it s deteriorating." "+i&e rusting." ") mean, not the hardware, but the software<wetware interface. They said they didn t. . . ) m not going to cry. ) am not going to cry." ) didn t &now what ) should do. ) guessed that ) should %ut my arm around her. ) went to mo$e my arm that way. She didn t loo& $ery huggable. She was all slouched. She was saying, "They don t &now. ) could lose my ability to mo$eH ) could lose my ability to thin&. Anything. )t s tied in e$erywhere. They said the limbic system, the motor corte3 . . . the hi%%ocam%us. They listed all this stuff. )f the feed fails too se$erely, it could interfere with basic %rocesses. My heart could -ust..." "e were sitting there, going through the air. My hands felt really useless. ) said, "This suc&s. They can t -ust turn it off. They turned it off before." "=o, they didn t. They disconnected us. They shut down most of the functions. The feed was still on. )t s %art of the brain." ) loo&ed o$er at her. She was loo&ing right at me. "e were going down the aisle of smo&e

through the s&y. Somewhere o$er =ebras&a, the drug %arasailers were being shot out of the air. She said, "6ust dro%. !ro% and then catch us." ) was staring at the steering column, wondering what the hell she was tal&ing about. She said, ") want to feel something. +et s feel $ertigo together." That sounded o&ay to me. ) dro%%ed us. "hen we sto%%ed, suddenly both of us had sweat. )t was -ust mainly across our foreheads and fingerti%s. She smiled at me. "e both felt meg nauseous. "My fingerti%s," ) said. "They re sweaty." She nodded. "e flew for a bit. She chatted me li&e, Let2s go back now. I2m okay. ;o. 5ou don2t want to go back, ) said. They were being 1erky. They weren2t being 1erky. I was being retentious. 5ou weren2t ") m fine now." ) said, ""e can t -ust go bac&. ) am li&e com%letely) am) m this thing. )t s this whole meg thing. ) can t go bac&. +et s go to your house." "My dad will be there." "+et s go to my house, then." "O&ay." "ith one hand, ) changed the course. ) held out the other hand. She too& it. "e flew o$er gray %iles and gray %iles and gray %iles toward home. so much to do "hen we got to my house, we went inside and ) shut the garage door behind us. "e went u% the ste%s and into the family room. "e were going to watch something on the feed. "e sat there. "e weren t really interested in the feed. )t was daytime shit, anyway. Soa% o%eras with all these %eo%le with the big hair going on crying -ags. And lots of %u%%ets. Pu%%ets telling you about e$ery goddamn thing. ") wish there was some%lace we could go," ;iolet said. ") want to ... ) don t &now." ""hat do you mean."

"6ust, there s a whole uni$erse out there." "2eah." ") $e ne$er been underwater for a really long time." ") been down on a cou%le of $acations into the really dee% %art. )t s %retty good. There s a lot of stuff to do." ") m -ust using that as an e3am%le," she said, stro&ing my face. "2ou ha$e to ha$e reser$ations. Otherwise, if you go by yourself, you get the bends." She was stro&ing my face and was li&e, ") %robably don t ha$e much time. There s -ust so much ) want to do," which was a difficult thing for her to say, because when she was stro&ing my face, it loo&ed li&e it might mean one thing, but on the other hand, it %robably meant something else, and it would be embarrassing if it didn t mean what ) thought it meant, and if ) said something, and then if it turned out that by "so much she wanted to do," she really meant riding tri&es across the Sahara. That would suc&. ) said, "!o you mean ..." ) sto%%ed, and tried, "That could be ta&en to mean that. . . you &now . .. we ..." My feed was li&e, Tongue-tied? Wowed and gaga? For a !ist!ul o! icku s tailored e/tras ecially !or this nightmarish scenario, try :yrano!eed, available at rates as low as She was li&e, ") m sorry if ) embarrassed you at Marty s." ""ould you sto%." After a minute, ) said, "2ou &e%t 0uiet about this for a long time." She nodded. "A few wee&s. ) $e &nown." "2ou could $e told me." ") could $e," she said. "2ou didn t need to be thin&ing about it all alone." She had her hands in her la% now. She said, ") want to go out and see the world. There s so much. There s . . . -ust so much." "2eah," ) said. "2eah. ) don t &now. 2eah. This suc&s. )t meg suc&s." ) didn t &now what to say. "e sat there, side by side. "e were sitting there, and it seemed li&e nothing was right. "e were done

tal&ing. ) held on to her, and she held on to me. "e held li&e that. "e were staring at the wall. She blew out all her breath. )t was a strange moment, li&e when you get sad after se3, and it feels li&e it s too late in the afternoon, e$en if it s morning, or night, and you turn away from the other %erson, and they turn away from you, and you lie there, and when you turn bac& toward them, you can both see each other s moles. 4sually there seem to be shadows from ;enetian blinds all across your legs. She said, "2ou toss something u% in the air, and you e3%ect it to come bac& down again." "hich made absolutely no sense to me. "e sat and we loo&ed at the fire%lace. There were the fa&e logs and the fa&e iron %arts. All the bric&s were %erfect. The walls were all a weird color of white. Then there was the sound of the front door banging o%en. Mom was home with Smell 'actor. "e both were li&e, Whoa. "e %ulled a%art, and were sitting there. Smell 'actor ran into the family room and too& off his snea&ers one at a time and threw them at the wall. Then he fell down on the rug and %hased out and started watching To @uark. Mom was li&e yelling for him to go %ic& u% his room. #e -ust lay there. She was cla%%ing and calling his name. #e -ust &e%t u% with To @uark. #e didn t ha$e it shielded, so we were %ic&ing u% the whole thing. )w, To @uark, I2ll ne$er get the ri?e at the !air. Listen u , 9own @uarkdon2t get so down! +emember all your !riends are right behind you. 5eah, 9own @uark! 5eah, we2ll sing a song !or you! It2s a ha y, ?a y song, !ull o! chuckles and chortles. ;iolet ate dinner with us. My father wasn t there, so it went better than the last time. She said some stuff that made my mother laugh. Mom was chatting me about how she was a great girl.

"e flew bac& late at night. ) finally as&ed her, 9o they know how long? ;o. >arlier, they were saying it could take years. ;ow they2re not sure. They2re saying it will be much !aster. It still could be years. It2s not going to be years. It could ha en anytime. ) dro%%ed her off at her house. "e didn t ma&e any %lans. There weren t any %lans. ) s%ent the rest of the night doing homewor&. )t seemed li&e that was the only thing left to do. ooo ... from $ow-Wow and *lucky, on the Christian Cyber&id1 =etwor&: ".. . 9ad? ) kee thinking she2ll come back, but I know now that she2s going to stay away.3 35eah. It2s like, it2s been so long, I don2t know what she would look like i! she came back, how long her hair would be.3 3,he was the best dog. I! she came back, it would make everything right.3 3$illy6 ;othing will make everything right. That dog was a good dog, but she wasn2t like a su erdog, with owers. )nd I think you2ll see a little voice inside you that will tell you the same.3 ") still ut the suet out by the mailbo/, and I still sing her my03 ooo seashore "e went to the sea, because there wasn t time after SchoolJ to go under it. She and ) went to stand beside it. "e watched it mo$e around. )t was dead, but colorful. )t was blue when the sun hit it one way, and %ur%le when the sun hit it another way, and sometimes yellow or green. "e had on suits so we wouldn t smell it. "e sat in the sand. ) made an angel with my arms and legs. She %iled sand on my stomach. The suits were orange, which was stu%id. ) hate it when a suit is a really ugly color so you loo& com%letely dumb. After she was done %iling sand and ) was done with my angel, we stared u% at the

s&y. ) was li&e, I don2t think you have to worry. ,cience is like, they2re always discovering things. 5eah. 7ave you looked at the sea? 5ou2ve been reading more o! that de ressing shit. >verything2s dead. >verything2s dying. Some u%cars floated o$er in the CloudsJ. Some cargo shi%s. Some transit needles, heading off to =orway or 6a%an or something. ) sat u%. ) was %issed off with things. ) went, 5ou know the art that2s the really ironic thing? The guy? The hacker? 5ou almost agree with him. 7e com letely !ucked you over, and you almost agree with him. 5eah, she said. That2s certainly the really ironic thing. What? What are you being sarcastic about? I2m screwed. ,ee? Like, that2s so big negative. What do you mean? What2s ositive? 4y body is com letely !alling a art. I mean, you saw it with my !ootbut it2s ha ening more o!ten. One o! my !ingers or a art o! my !ace will 1ust !ree?e u . It2s getting more !re#uent. Like once every other day, !or ten or !i!teen minutes. ,ometimes !or a !ew hours. Oh shit. 9on2t tell me this. Oh shit. )nd I2m not getting all the images that are su osed to come through on the !eed. I2m getting a lot o! error messages. They can !i/ that. I don2t know. I don2t know. I 1ust don2t know. ) &ic&ed at the sand. ) loo&ed at her. She loo&ed good, through the mas&, her big sunglasses brown and %ur%le in the light. ) was li&e, 5ou know, I. .. What? I really like you. She hit me on the bac& of the head. That2ll do, she said. ooo .. .to :rackdown )lley ... only on Fo/. .. 37ave you given it to her?3

35ou can kiss my ass.3 37ave you given it to her?3 3What do you think I am?3 3Want me to tell you what I think?3 39on2t breathe in my !ace. <o breathe in someone else2s !ace.G 3I2ll breathe in whatever !ace I want to breathe in.3 3I didn2t give it to her.3 3What do you think l am?3 3,he doesn2t have it.3 35ou can kiss my ass.3 39on2t breathe in my !ace.3 37ave you given it to her?3 3Want me to tell you what I think?3 3What do you think I03 ooo limbo and prayer On Monday, ) went into SchoolJ and ) was sitting in homeroom when ) saw that Calista had her hair u% in this new way, and on the bac& of her nec& was this total insane macro(lesion that ) ne$er e$en saw before. ) guess ) was loo&ing at it &ind of 7oly shit!, because 9uendy sat down ne3t to me and chatted, Im ressed? )in2t even real. 9uendy still hated Calista, because 9uendy wanted to be going out with +in& herself. ) as&ed her, What do you mean? :alista got it done yesterday. 9uendy made this face. =ow that lesions are 3brag.3 ;ow that they2re the s it. It2s huge. It2s !uckin2 huge. It2s not even real. I mean, it2s an incision, but it2s arti!icial. It2s not even really wee ing. Those are beads o! late/. Whoa. I2m sur rised her head doesn2t, you know, to le o!!. Like6 Obadum%.O It2s so stu id. <od. I can2t believe how stu id it is. +in& came in and was &issing Calista on the forehead, with his hand behind her s&ull, and then he

tic&led her lesion. Oh! Anit! ) grabbed 9uendy s wrist. Oh, unit, this is likewhoatotal error message. 4a1or system error! It2s so stu id. I can2t believe he2s 1ailing !or that. It2s so dumb. Whoa! I got to tell .iolet about this. ,he2ll go cra?y. 5eah. ,he2s always looking !or like evidence o! the decline o! civili?ation. 5eah. ) loo&ed at 9uendy. What do you mean by that? ;othing. =ust that .iolet is always, like you said. ,he2s always looking !or stu!! about the decline o! civili?ation, and everything2s a mess, da da da. Is that a roblem? I don2t have a roblem with it. I think she2s nice. I2m going to chat her about this. 5eah. 9o. ,hell think it2s !unny. ) found a hitch(u% to ;iolet. 5ou sitting down? ) said. :alista got an arti!icial lesion. ,o much !or my Frosted Flakes. Link is tickling her lesion. Let me 1ust ush the bowl toward the wall. 5ou heard it here !irst. Link is . . . 7e2s a great guy, but do you mind i! I say he2s not the #uickest bunny in the centri!uge? ) laughed. ;o. ;ot our Link. 9id I tell you I thought he was youch the !irst time I saw him? Link? Our Link?!? 7e2s butt-ugly. 7ave you met him? That2s why I thought he was youch. 5ou all were so beauti!ul. 7e was hideous. There was some, I don2t know, some te/ture there. )re you kidding? Antil he o ens his mouth. +ight now, he and 4arty are ski ing ro e with some coa/ial cable. )h, he2s tri ing. 7e2s !alling into a desk. ) li&ed tal&ing to her li&e this, first thing in the morning. )t had a &ind of bedroom feel to it. )t was &ind of flirty, &ind of drowsy.

She was li&e, :an I ask you a #uestion about Link? 5eah? The name. Link. )s in 34issing. . .3? ;o, ) said. ,o? I don2t think you want to know. It won2t hel much with your worry, you know, about civili?ation ending and stu!!. 7uh? . . . Oh my god. Oh my god. . . . It2s a enis thing, isn2t it? ;o. 5es, it is. It2s some gross boyHlocker-room sausage 1oke, isn2t it? ,ausage link? Oh. 5ou are so ... Oh. ;o, it2s not. Is so. Is not. 7e2s the roduct o! this government e/ eriment. What? 7is !amily2s like really old and meg rich? ,o they got this . . . you know ... What? 7e was cloned !rom the bloodstains !ound on Lucy Todd Lincoln2s o era cloak. There was a long silence. Then ;iolet was li&e, Mary. 5eah. 4ary, then. 4ary Todd Lincoln. There was another silence. ) sat there, waiting. She was li&e, ,o he2s the genetic clone o! )braham Lincoln. 5eah. )braham Lincoln. That2s what I said. Tell me what he2s doing now. >h . .. the limbo. With the coa/ial cable. I thought so. >/ce t, he2s bending !orward instead o! backward, so it isn2t as hard. This is e/tremely grim. 7ow about over there at your house? Let me recover. What2s doing at .iolet2s lace? 9ad2s o!! at work. 4om2s 1ust a mom-sha ed hole in the !ront door. I2m eating cereal, utting on my stockings, and reading ancient 4ayan s ells. 5ou know 4ayan?

They2re not in Mayan. They2re in , anish. The !eed2s translating them into >nglish. I2m reading a s ell to reserve dying cultures. Ah-huh. Written sometime be!ore their em ire !ell, I guess. 3, irit o! the sky, s irit o! the earth, grant us descendants !or as long as the sun moves, !or as long as there is dawn. <rant us green roadsI grant us many green aths. 4ay the eo le be eace!ul, very eace!ul, and let them not !allI let them not be wounded. Let there be no disgrace, no ca tivity. O thou ,hrouded <lory, +ightning Lord, Lord =aguar, 4ount o! Fire, Womb o! 7eaven, Womb o! >arth. Let our eo le always have days, always ha$e dawns.3 Then it goes, 3O Jing One-Leg, <iver o! <reen.3 Jing One-Leg. )men, brother. Link and 4arty are doing a lasso with the coa/ial cable. 5eah? :alista is combing her hair. )nd she kee s 1olting each time she scra es the edge o! the lesion. Thank goodness !or home-schooling. There2s a arty on Friday night. 5ou want to come? 9o they hate me? They don2t hate you. @uendy 1ust told me she thought you were nice. 5ou were talking with her about me. 9on2t worry. I won2t. They hate me, don2t they? They think you2re like meg cuddly. Okay. I want to live a little. >/actly. I2ll come. $rag. Will you get me? ,ure. What time is it right now? 9o you have to go? 5eah. It2s time !or announcements. I make my own announcements. Into the garbage can, so it echoes. Lonely. I tell mysel! to come to the o!!ice.

5eah. Then I ace in circles, waiting !or me to show u . I wait and I wait, you know. I wait and I wait in the o!!ice, she said, but me never comes. ooo ... this month2s EK 7ot ,e/ Ti s !or <irls. 7ey! 5ou wanna leave your boy! with his head s inning? Then check out what Lucia, our Lady o2 Love, has to say about these chicks and their sich in the sack! ;atalie !rom ;ew =ersey messages us, 34y guy se?, 2;o nookie at arties!2 $ut I !eel that in order to do our duty to the arty, we gotta" ooo " .. which is why I ask it. :onsider6 The Anited ,tates has been instrumental in the overthrow o! truly genocidal dictatorshi s. We dole out billions o! dollars each year in !oreign aid. We su ort !ailing economies. We give harbor to many who seek our shores. We are trying to do what is right. We are trying to do what is" ooo flat hope On 'riday, ) went and %ic&ed u% ;iolet at her house for the %arty. ) ho%ed that the %arty would cheer her u%. ) was used to the route, now, and ) li&ed seeing all the stuff ) %assed, the antennas and chutes and $ents, and my feed told me their names as ) loo&ed at them:harming Lawn Observation TowerI +iverdale >/haust 7oodI Institute !or the ,tudy o! *sychoeconomyI $ridgeton *layland and :om ulsion :enterand after a while, ) &new them by sight, and with each one, ) could feel li&e ) was getting closer to ;iolet, which was li&e a %resent which ) didn t &now what was inside of. "hile we flew to the %arty, she told me about weird things she d read on the feed, while she was resisting it or whate$. She told me about the scales on butterflies, and the way animals li$ed in ducts, sometimes whole herds. Peo%le would hear the stam%eding through their walls. There were new

&inds of fungus, she said, that were ma&ing -ungles where the cables ran. There were slugs so big a toddler could ride them sidesaddle. "The natural world is so ada%table," she said. "So ada%table you wonder what s natural." "hen we got there, %eo%le were drin&ing already and it loo&ed %retty fun. Someone was being a !6 and broadcasting trac&s on the feed, so we tuned in, because otherwise you -ust hear the shuffling while %eo%le are mo$ing around with no music on the floor. ) ha$e a %retty good auditory(ner$e hoo&u% with my feed, so the sound is real s%in&, and it s good to mo$e to. So we got some drin&s and dran& them, and said hi to %eo%le, and then the feed was going, it was doing this song, I got some !eet, and those !eet, they2re gonna walk. Walk, !eet, you walk, the ten toes, I walk with the !eet, that one, and so we danced to it. )t s a &ind of low(hi%s dance, with the draggy elbows, and we did it, it s good for that. )t was all going %retty good until 9uendy arri$ed. "hen she got there, it was li&esilence . . . wwwwwwwwww >wind? ... wwwwwwww ... ing L in dro ingMbecause her whole s&in was cut u% with these artificial lesions. "e were all -ust loo&ing at her. They were all o$er her. She raised her arms. The cuts were li&e eyes. They got bigger and redder when she mo$ed. "!o you li&e them." she said, laughing. ") got it yesterday." "2ou re," said Marty, "you re co$ered with cuts." "They re not cuts, " she said, smiling li&e he was an idiot. "'irst of all, it s the big s%it. And second, for your info, it s called birching, and they re lenticels." Marty and +in& were chatting me and each other. Anit. Anit. Whoa, unit. ;iolet had her face in her hands. Peo%le were starting to dance again.

) could tell Calista and +oga were chatting u% a storm. Peo%le were dancing, and the feed was going, I walk these itty-bitty ste s. )way !rom you. =ust itty-bitty ste s. ) walk away. 9uendy went o$er to the table with the drin&s and %oured herself some $od&a and Tang. Some other girls were o$er tal&ing to her. ;iolet was standing ne3t to me, li&e, I can2t believe she did it. ) went, It2s all !or Link. I guess she wanted to outdo :alista. :an you even think how much that cost? I don2t know. >ach one o! those incisions has to be ca ed o!! in lastic. 5eah. It was robably retty ricey. It2s the end. It2s the end o! the civili?ation. We2re going down. ;o, it2s sure not too attractive. Lenticels. I 1ust ho e my kids don2t live to see the last days. The things burning and eo le living in cellars. .iolet. The only thing worse than the thought it may all come tumbling down is the thought that we may go on like this !orever. ) loo&ed at her. She wasn t -o&ing. #er face was full of lines. .iolet, ) said. ) too& her hands. ) had an idea, and ) was li&e, Let me show you something. She didn t say or chat anything. "e went away from all the %eo%le, u% the stairs. The bedroom doors were closed. ) too& her u% %ast the bedrooms, to the attic. ) %ulled down the attic, li&e, the %ull, and this ladder folded out. ) went u%, and willed the light, but there wasn t any feedlin& to the light. The light was wor&ed by a string. 2ou %ulled it sometimes, and the light went on. There was all &inds of old shit u% there. She came u% behind me. "hen we wal&ed, our footste%s, they were clun&y. The boards felt old. We used to come u here, ) said. "e layed sardines in the closet. 5ou got to hide, and then everyone looks !or you, and when they !ind you, they hide with you. This was this meg good lace,

because only Link2s best !riends, we were the only ones that knew about it. We would be u here, all together, and eo le who weren2t his good !riends, they2d be wal&ing around downstairs, and we could hear them, and we2d be laughing our asses o!!. I used to, when I was hiding here, I ke t thinking o! when I was littler, you know, younger, be!ore I was good !riends with Link. I ke t thinking o! the time when you2re all racing around, and you ass eo le in the halls, like in cartoons where eo le go in one door and come out another one. )nd you2re like assing them all and looking in all the laundry %laces and shit, and it2s a big game, and eo le kee giggling, and then you don2t see them again. Then you2re wal&ing around alone. 5ou know, there2s this weird moment where you reali?e that you2re alone, and no one else has been wal&ing !or a while. 5ou reali?e that the moment, the e/act moment, when you became alone is already over. 5ou2Ne been that way !or a while. ,o you2re walking around this em ty house, and all the towels are !olded u%, and the soa is still wet on the soa dish. That2s the cree y thing. She sat down on an old thing. ) &e%t going. ) was li&e, 5ou2re walking, and everything2s em ty, but the weirdest thing is that it2s not em ty at all. The weirdest thing is that you know that you2re more alone than anyone, but that more eo le are thinking about you than ever be!ore. They2re all 1ust there, holding their breath, !ollowing your, like your every move through the house, listening to your !ootste s and the doors o ening and closing. ,o you2re more alone, but more watched. It can 1ust go on and on !or hours, you walking around, walking on the car eting, icking u stu!! and looking at it, alone, but thought about, until Link gets tired o! it, and says the game is over. That2s e/actly it, she chatted. ) didn t &now what she meant, but ) nodded.

She rubbed her eyes with her %alms. ) watched her. She stood u% and brushed off the butt of her s&irt. She loo&ed around, lifting things u%. What is this 1unk? Old shit, ) said. )ll this old shit. ) wal&ed o$er to one wall. There are some old ictures. ) lifted them away from the inside of the roof. *aintings. She came to my side. Whoa. "e loo&ed at them. Shi%s at sea. Old(time faces, %ainted without smiles or anything, dressed in blac&, holding %ieces of %a%er or big boo&s. +in& s dead relati$es from long ago. They had old(time names, ones from the %ast: Abram. 6ubilee. =oah. *1e&ial. #o%e. 6ubilee was frowning. *1e&ial was co$ered with %oc&(mar&s. #o%e was this fat old woman with a little dog. #o%e was loo&ing off to the side, as if someone she missed was calling her name. our duty to the party On the way down, we %assed the bedrooms again. The %arty had %ic&ed u%. The doors were o%en now, and on some beds, there were %eo%le ma&ing out, and on some others, %eo%le were in mal, their legs and arms all twitching and their heads roc&ing bac& and forth, and someone was %u&ing in a roll(to% des& and trying to roll the to% down to hide it. Someone s arm was coming out from under a bed, mo$ing li&e they were conducting a sym%hony orchestra. ;iolet wal&ed closer to me, and ) %ut my arm around her, but her shoulders weren t soft, li&e she didn t want to be touched, and we got to the landing, and heard some &ind of smac&ing down below, and %eo%le cheering. "hen we went downstairs, they were all %laying s%in(the(bottle li&e little &ids, stretched out on the floor, swinging their legs. ;iolet s bac& was &ind of sagging as she wal&ed down the stairs in front

of me. ) was feeling &ind of strange, li&e, ) can t really e3%lain it, li&e as if hy%odermics were in the air again, but thrown all ways and still tra$eling. +in& said, "#ey, ta&e yoursel$es a seat and %lay )t s fun." ")t s for &ids," said +oga, "but it s &ind of se3y." Calista was li&e, "Omigod, it s so uncomfortable sitting on the floor with my lesion. This is so wholly stu%id." 9uendy said, ") $e only s%un once, but ) thin& ) did &ind of good." She shifted on the floor. Marty s eyes were li&e meg ri$eted on her ass, and also on her shoulder blades, where you could see all the red fibers through the s%lits in the s&in. They were shifting as she and this meathead named Ches Something &issed for a turn. ;iolet and ) sat down. ) didn t need to chat her to tell she didn t want to %lay. "e weren t ne3t, which was good, but ) really didn t want her to get s%un to, because ) thought she might get really %issed by the stu%idity of the whole game. ) was sitting cross(legged, and ) %ut my fist in my chee& and -ust sat there, telling the bottle with my eyes to &ee% on going while it s%un. 9uendy s%un, and got +in&, and ) was li&e, Oh, shit, bad news. She was really glad. She went o$er to him, while e$eryone did this big whoo%, and he started to &iss her on the chee&, really -ust friendly, but she %ut her %alm against his chee& and turned his head so she was &issing him on the mouth, and then %ut her arms around him. *$eryone was com%letely silent, li&e Omigod, and they &e%t on &issing, with +in& &ind of trying to %ull bac&, but being afraid to %ush too hard, with her cuts e$erywhere, and Calista staring at them both with this big(hair hatred in her eyes. +in& li&e tri%%ed and stumbled bac&ward and sat bac& down ne3t to Calista. *$eryone was really uncomfortable, e3ce%t Marty. 7ey, chatted Marty to the guys, don2t you think @uendy looks good? +in& was li&e, =ust shut u and lay.

) was li&e, I think it looks stu%id. )t s a good look, Marty chatted, and kind o! !un. ) was disgusted, li&e, 7uh? 5ou can see her like muscles and tendons and ligaments and stu!! through the lesions. 5eah, said Marty, which makes you kind o! think about what2s inside, huh? Which is se/y. "2ou must be chatting about how 9uendy loo&s really se3y," said Calista. )t was li&e she was going to start something mean. "2eah," said Marty. ""e were . . . -ust saying that the lesions loo& good." "Oh," said 9uendy. "2ou li&e the lesions." +in& said, "Can we -ust %lay." ""ell, ) thin& they re a lot of fun," Calista said, as if she didn t mean it but meant the o%%osite. +in& s%un again, and while he &issed this other girl, really hardly at all, Calista was still tal&ing to 9uendy, saying, in this really mean $oice, "And don t let anyone tell you you loo& stu%id." "=othing s stu%id," said Marty. "That s right, 9uendy," said Calista, "because seeing what s inside of you, all your guts, is -ust so se3y." "Calista," said 9uendy, trying to sto% her, "we re -ust ha$ing fun." "That s good," said Calista. The guy Ches Something s%un and got +oga. #e wal&ed o$er to her and said, "Time to %lay." "9uendy, you &now what s fun about your lesions." +oga and the Ches guy started &issing, hard. They were %laying u% their &iss, maybe to li&e ta&e attention away from the meanness Calista was ha$ing. +oga s &inds were in Ches s hair, smearing through the hair, her fingers wet with gel. Calista said, "About your lesions. "hat s fun is watching a girl who s so des%erate for someone s boyfriend that she does something to herself which is really stu%id." There was a 0uiet %art. Then Marty said, "O&ay -ustlet so&aylet s fuc&in fuc&in -ust let s %lay."

#e s%un the bottle, and it turned, with the nec& flashing, and suddenly ) could hear 9uendy crying, and then ) saw the bottle land on ;iolet. Marty got u% and straightened his %ants and wal&ed o$er. "#ey, there, se3y," he said. "+et s ma&e this good." #e reached out his hand toward her. She flinched bac&ward. #e %ut his hand on the to% of her head. ) said, "This isn t much fun." ""e ll show you fun," said Marty, win&ing. "Sto% it," said ;iolet, standing u%. "Sto% it all." ""hat s wrong." said Marty. #e held out his hand toward her wrist. #e too& her wrist in his hand. ;iolet was com%letely white. She was sha&ing. #er head, ) mean, it was bobbing. She suddenly was yelling, "Can ) tell you what ) see. Can ) tell you. "e are ho$ering in the air while %eo%le are star$ing. This is ob$ious5 Ob$ious5 "e re %laying games, and our s&in is falling off. "e re losing it, and we re ma&ing out. And you re tal&ingyou re starting to tal& in a !ucking sestina! Okay? ) sestina! Okay? ,to it! Fuck you! We2ve got to all sto it!3 She was screaming. Peo%le were staring and chatting, and they weren t chatting with me, e3ce%t +in&, who ga$e me a single, "hat s doing with this? Fi/ it, before cutting me off. ;iolet was screaming, 3Look at us! 5ou don2t have the !eed! 5ou are !eed! 5ou2re !eed! 5ou2re being eaten! 5ou2re raised !or !ood! Look at what you2ve made yourselves!3 She %ointed at 9uendy, and went, 3,he2s a monster! ) monster! :overed with cuts! ,he2s a creature!3 And now ) was going, ";iolet!on t. ;iolet5 She s not ashe s not a goddamn monster. She s " but ;iolet screeched, 35ou tool Fuck you too!3and she tried to sla% me ) grabbed her by the armand she tried to scratch at my face, but her hand wasn t wor&ing.

She had bro&en somehow, and she was bro&en, and, oh fuc&, she was sagging and ) grabbed her to hel% her, and she was sha&ing, and her eyes were all white and rolling around, and she couldn t tal& anymore she was cho&ing ) grabbed her and tried to wra% my arms around her. There was a long line of s%it coming out of her mouth. #er legs were %um%ing u% and down. She was bro&en. She was com%letely bro&en. ) was crying and saying to call an ambulance, and %eo%le were li&e, Fuck no, is she in mal? I! she2s in mal, no way, we2ll get in trouble, and ) was li&e, :all a !ucking ambulance, and ) tried to do it on my feed, but things were too screwed u%, and ) could feel the signals going out, and she was breathing again, but she d gone lim%, and ) lowered her to the ground, and ) %ut her there, and 9uendy was still yelling, "'uc& you5" at her body. "'uc& you5" And ;iolet was breathing now in hea$y, big gas%s, but her eyes were closed, and ) was leaning ne3t to her aslee% body, and s0uee1ing, and s0uee1ing, and s0uee1ing. ) don t &now what the others did. There were noises, and women came. ) went with them. And the feed whis%ered to me about sales, and made all these suggestions about medical lawyers and mal%ractice, and something ha%%ened, and ) was sitting beside her in an ambulance, and suddenly ) reali1ed, The arty is over. The !ucking arty is over. Part ) slumberland *2+,The waiting room was white. There were these orbs mo$ing bac& and forth filled with fluids. They went u% and down the halls. "There will be some delays," said one of the nurses. She touched her face with her hand. #er %in&ie was stic&ing out. She %ressed on her chee&, li&e she had a toothache.

She said, "*3%ect a delay." "+et me tell you a little story," said a woman on a chair ne3t to me. "#e s distressed," said the nurse. She fi3ed her hair, which was this hair held together with two magic wands. "/reathe dee%," the nurse told me. "She s %retty functional." ""hat." ) said. ""hat do you mean." "The doctor will tal& to you." "There was this one time," said the woman on the chair. ""hen is the doctor coming." ) as&ed. "#e s here." ""here." ")n the room with her." "/ut when s he li&e coming out." She sighed. "2ou might want to rest your eyes." ) %aced on the floor. The feed was handing me things. ) listened to it, and ) %aced around, following the %attern of the tiles on the floor. ... the oor sales o! the Ford La uta in the Latin )merican market can2t be e/ lained by . . . . .. cra?iest rime-time comedy yet. What ha ens when two normal guys and two normal girls meet in their !avorite health-!ood restaurant? Lots o! )bnormal laughs, served with s routs on the side, is what! ) %aced there. ) went around all the chairs. ) did them slalom. Men loc&ed into giant wheels with their arms and legs s%read out were being wheeled %ast down the hall. Peo%le in smoc&s hit them on the rim to &ee% them rolling. The wheels rolled by. The %eo%le in smoc&s were whistling. The men in the wheels stared out, their mouths o%en, their eyes loo&ing at e$erything flashing by, but the men were not mo$ing at all. 6ust loo&ing at the world hel%less, in circles, the world going by. ./+$;iolet s father got there half an hour after ) did. ) saw him running %ast me. ) didn t wa$e or anything, because ) didn t want to get in the way or be a %ain in the butt. Peo%le, sometimes, they need

to be alone. #e went %ast me and didn t see who ) was. That was o&ay with me. They too& him into the room. ) waited. ) cla%%ed my hands together softly a bunch of times. ) swung my arms at my sides and then cla%%ed. ) reali1ed that they were swinging really wide. Peo%le were loo&ing u% at me. ) sto%%ed. ) couldn t hel% a small cla%, one last one. #e came out. #e was wal&ing real slow. #e sat down. ) didn t &now whether to tal& to him. #e was smoothing out the &nees of his tribe(suit. ) went o$er. ) said hello, and introduced myself again. #e said, "Oh, yes. #ello. Than& you for . . ." #e was -ust li&e, nodding. ")s she o&ay." ) as&ed. "2es," he said. "2es. O&ay. 2es, she s o&ay. " #e didn t seem much li&e before. ) was li&e, ""hat s ha%%ening." "They re fi3ing the malfunction. 'or the time being. The doctor s coming out." #is eyes were orange with the light from his feed glasses. The orbs went %ast. "e waited. Two nurses were tal&ing about the wee&end. There was nothing ) wanted to watch on the feed. )t made me feel tired. "Can you sto%." said her father to me. ) reali1ed ) d li&e been cla%%ing again. ") hate rhythms," he said. ) %ut my hands down. ) stood still, in front of him. #e said, "2ou can monitor her feed function." #e sent me an address. "7o there," he said. ")f things neural were going swimmingly with ;i, the number you detect would be about ninety(eight %ercent." ) went there. )t was some &ind of medical site. )t said ;iolet 9urn, Feed >!!iciency6 &O.P(. #e stared at me. ) stared at him. "e were li&e, -ust, there. The efficiency went u% to CB.PQ. #e turned his head. Someone was whistling two notes in the hallway. ;iolet was not a bitch. She didn t mean those things. )t was because of the damage. )t was ma&ing her not herself. ) told myself that again and again.

/ut it didn t matter if she was right or wrong about what she said. )t was the fact she said it, es%ecially to 9uendy calling her a monster, screaming li&e one of those girls in blac& at school, the ones who sat on the floor in the basement and tal&ed about the earth, the ones who got ri$ets through their eyes -ust to ma&e %eo%le thin& they were hard. ) wanted ;iolet to be uninsane again, -ust a %erson who would touch my face. "She s awa&e," said a nurse. "Please come in." She wanted him. =ot me. ) -ust stood there. #e turned around and went in. After a while, he came out and sat down again. The nurse said, "=ow you." ) followed her in. ;iolet was sitting in a floating chair with lots of cables. Some of them went to her head. "hen ) came in, she loo&ed away from me. ") m sorry," she said. "e stood that way for a little while. She was dressed in -ust a gown again. +i&e when we were getting to &now each other, bac& on the moon. She said, ") said ) m sorry." ) didn t want to %iss her off, so ) figured what she wanted me to say, and ) said, ") m -ust . . . ) m worrying about you." She shrugged. ) watched her. ) didn t &now how close she was to the %erson who had gone com%letely fugue at the %arty. ) as&ed, "#ow did they say you are." "'ine," she said. "'or a little while." She held on to her &neeca%. She mo$ed it bac& and forth. "#ow long." ) as&ed. She didn t answer. ) said, "2ou don t ha$e to say." "=ot long." She loo&ed u% at me. She was almost crying. She was li&e, I can2t even say everything I need to say. 9on2t bedon2tit2s all going to be good. She rubbed her eye. Why are you standing so !ar away? ) was li&e, 5ou2re covered with cables.

She was li&e, Oh. 5eah. 5eah. "e were -ust li&e standing there for a minute. "ell, she was sitting, but ) was standing. ) loo&ed u% at her. She was mo$ing her &neeca% again. ) %atted myself on my hi%s. )t was li&e, Ti -ti -a-ti ti . Ti ta . She went, It2s !unny that you can move your kneeca all around with your !ingers, but you couldn2t move it with your muscles i! you tried. One of the orbs came in and started to circle around her. ) said ) had to go. She said she d see me later. ) said my u%car was bac& at +in& s. ) d forgot. She said ) should go and get it. ) said ) ho%ed she was o&ay. She said she was %retty o&ay. She d chat me later. "as that o&ay. Could she chat me. ) was li&e, Oh, sure. ,ure. ;o. +eally? ,ure. 5eah. On the chat. ) nodded. 'inally ) wa$ed, &ind of %athetic, and ) went out. The orb was in front of her face. ) couldn t see what she loo&ed li&e. ) went out into the hall. +ater, my mom came and %ic&ed me u%, and we went and got my u%car. The others weren t there at +in& s house anymore. +in& was in the bac&, by his %ool. #e wa$ed, and yelled o$er to me, "She o&ay." ) chatted him yes, and he chatted me that that was good, and ) got in my u%car and flew home behind my mom. "e had bean cubes and fish stic&s for dinner. ) had a cou%le of hel%ings. There was still time to do my homewor&, but ) watched the feed instead. Some co%s found a bunch of rods in a warehouse and were trying to figure out what they were. !urgin, the star of the show, said they belonged to a %im%. #is assistant had a run in her stoc&ings. She bent down to fi3 it. +ater ) went to bed. ) couldn t get to slee%. My %arents had turned off the sun hours before. The light outside the blinds was -ust gray.

'inally, ) guess ) must ha$e fell slee%. At least, ) dreamed, and there were beads of water going along some string, and ;iolet said, "#ow many do you need before you re done." and ) said, "These are yours, first," and she said, "#ow many do you need." and ) said, "2ou &now. 2ou com%letely &now," and she said, "That s why ) want to hear it from your mouth." ./+1The ne3t day, ) was at her house. )t was all weird. "e didn t tal&. ) don t &now why. "e didn t o%en our mouths. "e -ust sat there, silent, chatting. )t s not you, ) argued. It2s the !eed thing. 5ou2re not like that. 4aybe I am like that. 4aybe that2s what2s wrong. She rubbed her hands together. I2m sorry. *lease. Tell @uendy I2m sorry. #er father was wal&ing down the stairs near us. "e could hear him through the wall. She chatted, ) lost a year o! my memories. ) didn t understand, first. What? I lost a year. 9uring the sei?ure. ) can2t remember anything !rom the year be!ore ) got the !eed. When I was si/. The in!ormation is 1ust gone. There2s nothing there. She was %ressing her %alms into her thighs as hard as she could. She watched herself real careful li&e it was a crafts %ro-ect. She went, ;othing. ;o smells. ;o talking. ;o ictures. For a whole year. )ll gone. ) -ust loo&ed at her face. There were lines on it ) hadn t seen before. She loo&ed sic&, li&e her mouth would taste li&e the hos%ital. She saw me loo&ing at her. She was li&e, 9on2t worry, Titus. We2re still together. ;o matter what, we2ll still be together. Oh, ) went. 5eah. She reached out and rubbed my hand. ) ll remember you. I2ll hold on to you. Oh, ) chatted. Okay. She went, <od, there2s so much I need to do. Oh my god. 5ou can2t even know. I want to go out right now and start. I want to dance. 5ou know? That2s this dumbass thing, because it2s so clichQ, but that2s what I see mysel! doing. I want to dance with like a whole lacrosse team, maybe with

them holding me u on a Formica tableto . I can2t even tell you. I want to do the things that show you2re alive. ) want to eat huge meals with wine. I want to go to the ?oo with you. Boos suck, ) said. )ll the animals 1ust sit there and lay with their toes. I want to go on rides. The !lume, the teacu s, the Tilt-a-Whirl? 5ou know, a big bunch o! us on the teacu s, with you and me crushed together !rom the centri!ugal !orce. ) wasn t really wanting to thin& about us crushed together right then, or about us in a big grou%, where she might go insane again, so ) -ust loo&ed li&e, 5eah. The teacu s! And she was still saying, I want to see things gra?ing through !ield glasses. I want to go some lace now. I want to get the hell out o! here and visit some 4ayan tem les. I want you to take my icture ne/t to the sacri!icial stone. 5ou know ? I want to run down to the beach, I mean, a beach where you can go in the water. I want to have a s lashing !ight. ) -ust sat there. #er father was wor&ing on something in the basement. )t sounded li&e he had some %ower tools. Maybe he was drilling, or li&e, cutting or boring. She went, They2re all sitcom o eners. What? >verything I think o! when I think o! really living, living to the !ullall my ideas are 1ust the o ening credits o! sitcoms. ,ee what I mean? 4y idea o! li!e, it2s what ha ens when they2re rolling the credits. 4y god. What am I, without the !eed? It2s all !rom the !eed credits. 4y idea o! real li!e. 5ou know? Oh, you and I share a snow cone at the ark. Oh, !unny, it2s dribbling down your chin. I wi e it o!! with my elbow. 3)lso starring Lurna <inty as .iolet.3 Oh, ha y day! ;ow we go 1um in the !ountain! We come out o! the tunnel o! love! We run through the merry-goround. 5ou2re checking the ark with a metal detector! I2m checking the ark with a <eiger counter! We wave to the camera! >/ce t the 4ayan ruin. What about it?

There aren2t, ) li&e %ointed out, there aren2t the sacri!icial stones. In sitcoms. ;o, she said. That2s right. :halk one u !or the home team. "e sat. She fi3ed her hair with her hand. ) as&ed her, What did it !eel like? )t the arty? She waited. Then, she admitted, It !elt good. +eally good, 1ust to scream !inally. I !elt like I was singing a hit single. $ut in 7ell. ./+1+ater, before ) left, ) watched ;iolet and her father %etition 'eedTech for free re%airs. ;iolet s dad couldn t %ay for all the tests and shit himself. =one of it was co$ered by medical, because the feed wasn t medical. They sent a message to 'eedTech e3%laining what ha%%ened. ) sat there while they s%o&e it together. )t was all about how she had lost her memory, and how sometimes she couldn t mo$e %arts of her, and about how she had gone com%letely fugue(state. They as&ed 'eedTech to ta&e on %ayments for research and re%airs. They said that 'eedTech had to, because it was about the life of a girl. #er feed s warranty had e3%ired years ago. ""e will %resent this %etition to se$eral cor%orate s%onsors," said ;iolets dad. ")f you do not ac0uiesce, others will. "e will find someone who will su%%ort this re%air. "e will ta&e our business elsewhere." "Please," said ;iolet. ""e need your financial assistance." ")f you want us as customers," said her father. They sent the message. After that, we didn t say much. .0+*9uendy and ) tal&ed the ne3t day. "e were sitting on big cubes, they were made of concrete. "e sat side by side. ) was li&e, "She s really sorry." 9uendy nodded. She still had the lesions all o$er her. "hen she mo$ed her head, ) could see a lesion on her nec& o%en and close li&e a fish mouth singing a country song. 9uendy said, ") was li&e ... ) can t go out in %ublic anymore. At first, ) was so li$ing eternally in

a tool shed. /ut +oga was li&e really, really good. She was sitting with me that night. "e went bac& and sat around at my house. She was li&e, 9a da da, she was com letely in mal, don2t listen to her, da da da, she2s a com lete !uguing bitch." "She sbut she s not" ") &now. That was -ust what ) li&e needed to hear then." "She feels real bad." ") &now. )t wasn t her." ) didn t say anything. ) -ust nodded. 9uendy brushed her hair bac& out of her face. ) rubbed the corner of the concrete with my thumb. 9uendy as&ed, "She o&ay." ) shoo& my head. "She s scared. They say that it s . . . The feed isn t wor&ing well with her brain anymore." "Omigod." She loo&ed at me. ""hat does that mean." ") don t &now. The whole brain is tied in to the feed. The whole brain, li&e the memory and the %art that ma&es you mo$e and the %art for your emotions." "The limbic system." ") don t &now." ") -ust loo&ed it u%." "O&ay." "There s a diagram." She sent me the site. "O&ay." ) sat there. "Maybe you should chec& it out," she said, a little angry ")t ll hel% you understand what s ha%%ening to her." ) %ulled u% my leg and untied and tied my shoe. "!on t you want to &now." ) said, ") guess not." "2ou &now," said 9uendy, "this isn t re: the world ser$ing you some meg three(course dum% ban0uet. )t isn t re: the world ser$ing me some dum% ban0uet. She s the one who this is ha%%ening to. ) don t &now what you re saying to her. /ut ) ho%e you aren t sul&ing weirdly." She loo&ed o$er at me. ) -ust sat there. She added, "Ma&ing her feel low(grade."

She %ut her hand on my leg. "#ey," she said. "#ey." Through the holes in her hand, the blood in her $eins was blue. *2+1"hen ) wo&e u% the ne3t morning, there was a message from ;iolet waiting in my cache. It2s three-!i!teen in the morning, she said. I haven2t heard anything !rom FeedTech. I2m lying here. 5ou2re robably sound aslee right now. I like to icture you aslee . 5ou have beauti!ul li s. 4y mom never had the !eed. ,he didn2t get it installed when she was little. 7er arents said they were going to wait until she was old enough to understand and make her own decision about it, like :atholic con!irmation. ,he decided not to have the !eed installed. ,he called it 3the brain mole.34y !ather2s !amily didn2t have the money to buy !eeds !or my dad and my uncle. The !eeds were newer then, and they were more e/ ensive. They were advertised with these silver seethrough heads with the chi inside them. The heads would be s inning around at the mall, with the mouths o! the heads calling your name. 4y mom and dad both went through college without the !eed. I guess it was really hard. They couldn2t remember things the way everyone else could, or see the models that were in the air, you know, o! chromosomes or stamens. $ut they both went on to grad school. That2s where they met. I always thought it was strange that they decided to have a kid at a conce tionarium. I guess they really wanted to have me !reestyle. They talked about it a lot. Well, I mean, they2d only been going out !or a !ew months, but, you know, a lot !or that. )nyway, the ambient radiation was already too bad by then !or !reestyle. ,o they went test-tube. I think my !irst memory o! my mom is her carrying me on her shoulders through the mall. ,he would constantly be whis ering 1okes to me, little 1okes between the two o! us. ,he es ecially made

!un o! lastic. ,he2d say, 3They2re all wearing oil. )ll their clothes. They don2t have anything on but oil.3 I would whis er back to her, 3They2re wearing dinosaurs. 9ead dinosaurs dri y all over them.3 ,he would whis er, 3Trilobites.3 I would whis er, 3Old lants.3 ,he would whis er, 3It2s the height o! !ashion.3 )nd I would say, 34issus0 missus lady0those are some nice old lankton.3 For an hour and a hal! today, I couldn2t move my leg. 4y toes were clenched. 4y knee was all locked u . I didn2t chat you. I didn2t want to worry you. 5ou don2t talk much now. I went to a technician. $y the time I waited, the leg started to work again. 4y dad was there with me. 7e2s not doing very well. I can2t !eel anything wrong with the leg now. I2m lying here in bed, li!ting it u and down. It seems !ine. >/ce t it2s kind o! cram ed !rom the clenching. I2m looking u at my leg. I2m moving my toes, s#uelching them. That2s a great !eeling, s#uelching, like in mud. 9o you know, mud? When it2s in your yard? )nd you know the day2s going to get hot again when the rain2s over, because that2s what the neighborhood association has decided? ,o you can 1ust stand there, and wait !or the sun? )nd it2s your one time on >arth, I mean, your hundred years, that2s all you have, so there you are, on >arth, a little kid, the one time you2ll be a little kid, and you2re standing, waiting !or the arti!icial sun, and !eeling the mud, and at that oint, your toes still work er!ectly. ,o you stand there, and you s#uelch your toes, and you raise your arms u above your head, and you watch the clouds get sucked back into ducts in the sky. )nd that2s it. That2s an a!ternoon. That2s all. I ho e you2re okay this morning, too. .2+)) didn t listen to all of it immediately. ) was lying there in bed. ) saw that it was going to be long,

and ) sto%%ed after a few sentences. There was a smell li&e the hos%ital. )t was li&e sic&ness. At first, ) thought it was an attachment, but it wasn t. )t was coming from my nose. ) got u% and too& my shower, and ) got dressed and went downstairs and had one of my dad s 7ranola S0uee1es, and went out to my u%car and started to dri$e to SchoolJ. ) listened to the rest while the u%car dro$e me. "hen the u%car settled in the SchoolJ %ar&ing lot, ) &e%t staring out the front window. ) didn t want to get out. 8ids were running e$erywhere and %ushing each other. Their bac&%ac&s were all s%ar&ly in the sun. ) could still smell the hos%ital in my nose. )t wasn t anything around me. )t was her. ) sto%%ed breathing, but the smell was still there. ) held my breath. ) stared out the window at the SchoolJ. *$eryone went in through the doors. The lea$es on the trees turned red to show ) was late. My hand was still on the lift shift. ) -ust left it there, in some weird &ind of trance, as if ) was waiting there for the right moment to %ull bac&, dro% anchor, and fall u%ward into the s&y. .1+,9e!initive list o! things I want to do6 M. 9ancing. L. Fly over an active volcano. , it stu!! into magma. N. :ould the dancing be in a nightclub with lots o! mirrors ? )nd eo le wear tu/edos, and there2s a big band, and erha s some mob activity? )nd you2ll kee staring at a cigarette girl named $elinda, !rom Oklahoma, and I2ll say, 39amn you, mandamn you can2t you kee your eyes in your sockets like everyone else?3 P. ) want to sit with you in a lace where I can2t hear engines. G. Is there any moss anywhere? E. I want to go under the sea and watch the last !ishes. I want to sit in one o! those bubbles in the middle o! a school.

B. I want to see art. Like, I want to remind mysel! about the 9utch. I want to remind mysel! that they wore clothes and armor. That some o! them !ell in love while they were sitting near ma s or ta estries. C. I want to go u into the mountains with you !or a weekend. Where eo le don2t usually go. D. When we2re there, I want to go to a store that sells only beer and 1erky. MK. I want to rent a hotel room with you. )s 4ister and 4issus ,mith. MM. I want to say we2re !rom Fort Wayne. )nd have the ro rietor !rown, and know we2re lying, hut still nod. ML. I would like to actually he !rom Fort Wayne. Or !rom a small town outside o! it. We won2t have the !eed, and we2ll go to 3movies3 on dates. We2ll kiss in the u car. )nd then, when I2m in my twenties, I2ll go east to the big city, to !ind my !irst 1ob. )nd have eo le at arties sitting on the arms o! chairs, drinking wine out o! lastic cu s. *eo le with strange haircuts, things sheared into geometrical sha es. MN. )nd I want to go into 3the o!!ice3 every day, sometimes even on weekends, in some kind o! suit, and be someone2s administrative assistant, and com lain to you through the !eed while I2m at my desk about my bitch o! a manager or my ervert boss. 5ou2ll be my boy!riend !rom home. 5ou2re also !rom Fort Wayne. MP. I want to get older. MG. I want to see the years ass. ME. ,ometime, I want to wear a cardigan and have a golden retriever named ... I don2t know. I guess named a!ter someone obscure0usually, isn2t that how it goes !or eo le like me? Their cats are named like Tutankhamen or 4ithridates. Their dogs are named !or great thinkers, like =e!!erson or ,ocrates or Thomas *aine. I guess I2ll call mine *aine. MB. I want !amous artists and com osers to come and stay at my house. 5ou know, someone named <erblich who2s writing a iece where you take an a/ to the iano.

MC. 4y grandkids will come u to see me when I2m in my cardigan. I want them to call me ;ana. We2ll sit by the lake, which won2t steam like lakes do and won2t move when the wind isn2t on it, or burn sticks. I2ll tell them about their great-grand arents, and show them old ictures on the !amily site. I2ll tell them how their great-great-great-grand!ather !led <ermany 1ust be!ore the ,econd World War. 7e was a homose/ual, and had to wear a ink triangle on his arm. 7e got to )merica and married a retty 4ar/ist candy stri er to get citi?enshi , and eventually they decided to have kids. 4y grandkids will ask me what a candy stri er is. MD. When we make dinner, little ,hirley will hel me shuck the corn. LK. I want to tell her about what her mama used to do when she was 1ust hatched, the silly things 4ama did when she was a child. LM. I2ll lean on the sink, and I won2t remember the hours s ent in waiting rooms, the doctors touching me with metal rods, ushing me back onto gurneys, the technicians having secret con!erences with my !ather. I won2t remember what it is like to stare at my leg and ress it with my !ingernails until the skin turns white, and then red, and then blue, and still not have any !eeling. I won2t remember what2s really going to ha en, that nervesilence s reading over the whole o! my body, like a ur le cloud, that em tiness, that inactivity. I won2t remember watching you stand by my bed when I can2t move, watching you staring downI I won2t remember you a ologi?ing !or not coming soonerI I won2t remember you standing there bored by my bedside as I slur words, standing there waiting to !eel like you2ve stayed long enough so that you2re a good erson and you2re allowed to leave. I won2t remember any o! that, because it won2t ha en. I2ll lean on the sink, and my granddaughter will cut a er

molecules with her scissors !or a ro1ect !or school LL. I2ll go out and call !or the dog, because it2s getting to be evening, and there are coyotes out there in the woods. The night will be !alling. $y the screen door, I2ll call 03*aine!3 )nd the trees will rustle. 3*aine! *aine!3 )nd he2ll come when I call. /.+0) was staring at a girl s sweater. ) couldn t li&e focus on the teacher. The teacher was a hologram that day. There had been some funding cuts. The school band was gone, and so were the ali$e teachers. ) didn t send a message bac& to ;iolet. ) didn t e$en listen to her list all the way through the first time. ) s&immed it. ) fast(forwarded it. Then, li&e each hour or so, ) d go bac&, and ) d listen to one %art of it. "hen ) got to the end, that was it. ) stared at the bac& of the girl in front of me. "ith a hologram, li&e when your teacher is one of them, if you aren t loo&ing right at them, they sometimes seem to be hollow. 2ou see them and suddenly they don t ha$e a face that %o&es out. Their face %o&es in, their nose and so on, and there is nothing inside them. )f you don t loo& right at them, they can loo& -ust li&e an em%ty shell. //+.7ey, she chatted. What2s doing? I wish I was with you today. I always wish I was with you. . . . Oh, did you get my list? Titus? ... Titus? /0+$After SchoolJ that day ) went o$er to +in& s with Marty and +in&. "e were sitting outside near the %ool. +in& as&ed me about ;iolet, and how she was doing. ) said ) guessed she was o&ay. #e as&ed me hadn t ) tal&ed to her. ) said ) hadn t, not for a cou%le of days. She had tried chatting me a cou%le of times since she sent me the list, but ) had on my busy signal. "e sat there for a while, and +in& and Marty went swimming, and we %layed water $olleyball,

which was hard with three %eo%le. So we stood there for a minute, until ) said, "!oes anyone else want to go in mal." They loo&ed at me. They were li&e, Anit. Marty said sure, and +in& said he had a ti% for this great new site. They went, "2ou sure." ) was li&e, ""hat ) say." They nodded. "e got out of the %ool and dried off with towels. "e went inside. "e found the site. )t had these meg(ass warnings all o$er it, it was Swedish. "e all clic&ed on it and we could feel it ta% our credit, and then suddenly it hit me all at once. )t was colored bric&s, first, and ) fell down because they were coming too 0uic&. Then ) could start to see the bottom of the sofa. +in& was crawling, and his face was ta&en u% by it. )t &e%t coming in wa$e after wa$e. The floor was stee%. ) held on to the lam% but it dum%ed me. The static was co$ering e$erything and so when we went somewhere, ) couldn t e$en see where we were going. ) -ust watched the others. 'rom the static, ) could see their mouths tal&ing. ;iolet as&ed me what was going on with me. ) tried sitting u% and answering but she wasn t in the room. That was funny and ) laughed. Marty thought ) was laughing at something else, so he got started, too, and %retty soon we were all laughing, and so e$erybody at the ice(cream store was loo&ing at us. "e d -ust bought a tub and ) was li&e, I! I eat this I2m going to uke, and Marty went, Anit, how the !uck did we get to an icecream store anyway? and ) was li&e, Whoa, unit, shit, I ho e you didn2t drive. Some %arents were mo$ing their &ids away from us, and +in& went to them, "/oo5 O&ay. /OO5" #e s%read his hands. There was light coming from his fingers. ) %ointed and said, "+ight." Marty said, "/right." +in& said,

"Sight." Marty said, "=ight." ) said, "8ite." +in& said, "#a$e you e$er thought about how a &ite is held u% by nothing." Marty said it wasn t nothing, fuc&head, it was air. +i&e, air. +i&e, as in fuc&in air. Air. "e went out into the main %art of the mall and went into a music store but it was really really really loud, so we went out. And we went down to a clothes store, and sat in the dressing room for a while. )t was 0uiet there, e3ce%t the banging on the door and as&ing us to lea$e. ) showed Marty and +in& the message from ;iolet with the list, the things she wanted to do before she died, and they read it, and Marty said, Fuck, unit, !uck, and +in& said, Whoa, that2s intense, she2s one weird bitch. ) said she wasn t a bitch and he said that that s not what he meant, that s -ust what he said. Marty as&ed me why ) wasn t tal&ing to her, and ) said ) was tal&ing to her, ) -ust hadn t. #e said that message was so fuc&in sad it made him want to li&e fuc&in , you &now, bawl his eyes out, and ) said, 9o you think she2s being mean to me? In telling me about that art with me standing by her bed? They said, Mean how. And there &e%t on being this stu%id banging on the door, which wo&e me u% se$eral times in one minute. ) was curled u% in this ball, li&e doing a cannon(ball, but on car%eting, with my arms wra%%ed around my leg. There were some %ants hanging on one of the hoo&s. "e chec&ed a few times, but we all had our %ants on, so they must ha$e belonged to the lady who left -ust before we came in. "e thought it was funny that she hadn t come bac& for them, and we laughed about that. )t was good to be with friends. ;iolet as&ed me again what was going on, and ) told her to shut the fuc& u%, but luc&ily, ) told her that out loud, and she wasn t there, but chatting. "e got u% and o%ened the door, and there was this &id dressed in %erfect clothes, li&e, with doughnut rings on his arms, and he as&ed us would we %lease lea$e as we a%%eared to be under the

influence. "e went out and sat near the fountain, watching the water, which was interesting, because your $ision slowed it down so much that you could see each indi$idual dro%let, which was fascinating, each one of them, falling down, and ma&ing a ring in the water, and that ring s%reading with all of its tentacles reaching u% and then dro%%ing bac&, and then the water roc&ing. ;iolet as&ed me what ) was doing, was ) out of SchoolJ yet. Anit, ) said. I2m way out o! ,choolD. She was li&e, #ow are you? I haven2t heard !rom you !or days. .iolet, ) was li&e, .iolet. .iolet. .iolet. 7ey. What2s u ? .iolet. .iolet. .iolet. )re you in mal? I2m coming o$er 7ey. 5oo-hoo. 7ey. ,to . I can2t remember i! my u car2s here. 9on2t !ly like this. 5ou2re slammed. 7ave you heard about this :entral )merican stu!!? Two $illages on the <ul! o! 4e/ico, !i!teen hundred eo lethey2ve 1ust been !ound dead, covered in this black stu!!. "7entlemen," ) said to the other two. ") got to go." 7ave you heard about it? This is big. It seems like an industrial disaster. The <lobal )lliance is blaming the A.,. ") am ho%ing, sirs, that we brought se%arate $ehicles for..." ) said. "Things. ;ehicles." 9on2t !ly right now, she said. 9on2t !ly. 5ou2re meg 1a??ed. ;o, I2m not. 5ou2re s ewing a substream o! 1unk characters all over the lace. 5ou2re com letely un!ormatted. What are you doing? Why did you do this? =ust stay there. I2m at the mall. In mal. )t the mall. In mal. )t the mall. Oh. Oh, god. 9on2t do anything. Wait !or it to wear down. I2m coming to see you. I !eel. I !eel bad. 5ou are such a shithead. 5ou don2t know what ha ened to me this morning. )nd the news.

Titusthis morning... I can2t believe in the middle o! all this, you went and got mal!unctioned. 5ou are such an asshole and a shithead. "On le$el three," said Marty, who ) disco$ered was still sitting in front of me. "Of the %ar&ing lot. =e3t to mine. 2ou o&ay to dri$e." ") ll do it auto%ilot," ) said. "2ou sure." ) said, "The horse &nows the way to carry the sleigh, through the ..." ) scratched my hair. Marty nodded. +in& started singing "#o, #o, *lflings, Santa s on #is "ay," which was the com%letely wrong song. ) went u% to the %ar&ing lot. ) loo&ed for le$el three. The in mal was starting to wear off a little. )t was mainly -ust eu%horia now. ) found my u%car ne3t to Marty s. Marty s u%car was &ind of touched and wrin&led by a %illar. ) flew. Once ) got u% the dro%tube, ) %ut the u%car in auto%ilot. ) was almost aslee%. ) dreamed about sweater $ests, mainly. , readable cheese! $ut with a di!!erence! ... a!ter the *rime 4inister o! the <lobal )lliance issued a statement that, #uote, 3the hysical and biological integrity o! the earth relies at this oint u on the dismantling o! )merican-based cor orate entities, whatever the cost.3 It is thought that the )merican anne/ation o! the moon as the !i!ty-!irst state ... )nto her dro%tube, and it found its way to her le$el, which was on the bottom, or maybe -ust toward the bottom, her suburb was. ) flew to her street. She was waiting outside her house. She had her hair u% in this really nice way. ) %ulled u% in her dri$eway and left the u%car ho$ering. ) o%ened the door and stumbled to hang out of it. ) was li&e, "4nette." "!on t go inside. My dad will &now." "/ig unsteady. /iiiiig unsteady."

"2ou are such a shithead. O&ay. 7et down from there. +et s s%end some time on the lawn." ) climbed down. ) had to touch the grass with my heel li&e all these times to ma&e sure it was still hard. She too& my hand. "2our list," ) said. ")t will -ust ta&e about fi$e days." ""hat." "+oo& at your list. )t will -ust ta&e about fi$e days. ) mean, for us to do e$erything. "ell, o&ay, the list before the %art, you &now, where you become from 'ort "orth." "'ort "ayne. Acti$ity twel$e." "#uh." "Acti$ity twel$e. Actually being from 'ort "ayne." "Acti$ity twel$e is out of the 0uestion." ") m glad you came bac&. ) was worried you weren t going to." ""e re going to do it all, unette. "e re going to find the mountains." "#ey. #ey. Calm down. #a$e you heard the news. )t s awful." ") thin& maybe if ) slee% again, we can start by going dancing. "e better wait for the wee&end to go to the mountains. ) ha$e SchoolJ. 2ou don t." "=o. ) -ust ha$e mourning." ""hat." "My father sitting around, staring at me. #e s sto%%ed teaching me. #e says he ll tell me whate$er ) want to &now, but that there s no reason for lessons anymore." ) felt li&e what she was telling me was real im%ortant, but the trees were so green, and ) could smell the grass near my face. She told me that her father as&ed her what she wanted to &now, and she as&ed him whether there was a soul, but ) -ust %ut my face against the ground, and the dirt was cool, and the grass was tic&ling my nose, and ) fell aslee%, and heard the news tal&ing through my eyes. /0+2"hile ) sle%t on her lawn, she sent me a message. This is !rom earlier today, it said. The FeedTech res onse. :heck out the attachment. )t was a full feed(sim of ;iolet s sensations. )t e3%lained a lot. )t was memories from that morning. ) tried them on.

) was ;iolet, wal&ing down the stairs in her house. There was a %oster ne3t to me with a %icture of an Asian lady holding u% an old machine. ) was whistling some stu%id bore(core tune. ) too& the ste%s two at a time. Suddenly, ) couldn t mo$e my legs, ) couldn t e$en scream, ) -ust tried to grab on to the banister. ) was falling bac&ward. ) hit the walls with my hand as hard as %ossible and then my face hit the car%et on the stair and ) was sliding down on my butt. The rug on each stair was burning the side of my face, it was li&e underwater. There was no s%ace in me for breathing. ) lifted my head u% and dro%%ed it. ) was lying on the floor of the downstairs. )t was dar& because ) hadn t turned on the light. ) was trying to breathe. Trying to breathe. That was when =ina a%%eared. ) clutched at the air. She chatted, 7i, I2m ;ina, your FeedTech customer assistance re resentative. 7ave you noticed anic can lead to big-time underarm odor? ) lot o! girls do. ;o sweat%. Why not check out the brag collection o! ers iration-control devices at the 9., ,u er harmacy 7y ersite? $ut that2s not why I2m here, .iolet. 'irst little breaths, then bigger ones, then finally ) could feel my face and my bac& hurting, and ) had my wind bac&. My legs were in funny %laces and ) couldn t feel them at all. =ina said, I2m here to in!orm you that FeedTech :or has decided to turn down your etition !or com lementary !eed re air andHor re lacement. "=o," said ;iolet<me out loud. "=o, fuc& you. Please. Please. =o." We have also tried to interest other cor orate investors in your case. ;iolet was li&e, *lease. *lease. I need hel . "e couldn t mo$e our legs. "e were lying there, and we couldn t mo$e them, and =ina was saying, We tried our best to interest a variety o! ossible cor orate s onsors, but we regret to tell you that you were turned down.

What? Why? We2re sorry, .iolet 9urn. An!ortunately, FeedTech and other investors reviewed your urchasing history, and we don2t !eel that you would be a reliable investment at this time. ;o one could get what we call a 3handle3 on your sho ing habits, like !or e/am le you asking !or in!ormation about all those wow and brag roducts and then never buying anything. We have to in!orm you that our cor orate investors were like, 3What2s doing with this?3 ,orryI2m a!raid you2ll 1ust have to work with your !eed the way it is. ;iolet lay bac& down in the dar&, her legs starting to sting. She called out loud for her dad. She was sobbing. 4aybe, ;iolet, if we check out some o! the great bargains available to you through the !eednet over the ne/t si/ months, we might be able to create a consumer ortrait o! you that would interest our investment team. 7ow 3bout it, .iolet 9urn? =ust us, you and megirls together! ,ho till you sto and dro ! <o away, ;iolet said in a burst o$er the feed. <o away. <oaway. =ina smiled. I2ve got a gala/y o! su er roducts we can try together! *lease. I2m alone in the house and I !ell down. *lease go away. *lease don2t hel . That s where ;iolet cli%%ed off the end of her memory when she sent it to me. #er, lying in the dar&, on the ground, in the basement, waiting for her father to come and hel%. 'eeling the %ain in her head. "ondering if it was -ust from falling, or if it was the feed rusting somehow, as if she could feel it, rusting brown in her brain. /0+2"hen ) wo&e u%, ) had a headache. "e didn t go dancing. )t was already getting dar& in her neighborhood, and her father was staring out the window at her, and ) felt li&e a -er&, because it was %retty clear he was thin&ing, My daughter is s ending these last like recious hours with some

mal!unctioned asshole. She was sitting ne3t to me on the grass. 4%cars were shooting o$er, bac& and forth, %eo%le were commuting. )t was the end of the day. She as&ed whether ) wanted to stay for dinner, and ) was feeling bad about coming o$er and embarrassing her, so ) said no. The feed was trying to mo% u% my headache. ) could feel it doing ner$e bloc&s. There was a message in my inbo3 from Sweden saying they ho%ed ) had en-oyed Cow&ic&er, %lease come again. There was no way ) was trying that shit again, because it had a mean attac& and a bastard of a decay. ) felt awful. "e sat on the grass. ) was li&e, ") didn t mean ... ) didn t &now that they had sent you that. The refusal. ) didn t &now." "2ou didn t as&." ) &e%t being silent so she could bring stuff u%, if she wanted to. She didn t bring any of it u%. She -ust tal&ed about music, and told me about some concerts she d been to, a few years before. She didn t li&e fun music, but sarcastic music li&e bore(core. ) &e%t waiting for something to ha%%en. ) wanted her to do something, li&e grab my hand. #er father watched us through the window, with his li%s %ursed. After a while, ) started to want her to grab my hand so much that ) %ut it on the grass right ne3t to her hi%. She &e%t tal&ing about !iatribe on tour. )t was li&e we weren t going out. ) felt li&e ) wanted to bum% u% against her accidentally, so we d touch. /ut ) wasn t going to touch her if she didn t touch me first. "e sto%%ed tal&ing, and she as&ed if ) had to go. ) said ) %robably should, because it was a long ride to get home. She as&ed if ) felt better, and ) said ) couldn t feel anything. ) stood u% and loo&ed in the window at her father. #e was sitting with his elbows on his &nees, staring at the bottom of a garbage can. ;iolet wal&ed me out to the u%car. ) waited near it for her to try to &iss me. She didn t, so ) said good(bye, and crawled in.

She loo&ed at me, and started to smile. She raised her hand. ) closed the door. ) lifted off. The ne3t day, her arms sto%%ed wor&ing for an hour, and she %anic&ed and had to be gi$en a sedati$e. *,+$That night ) could feel another message caching. )t was a big one. )t was huge. )t started, It2s three again. I2m awake. I2ve been listening to re#uiems, and ordering more. I2ve been listening to burial rites !rom all over the world. ,ome laces they dance and chant. ,ome laces they tear their clothes. ,ome laces they lay choirs o! bamboo clarinets. ,ome laces they scream. In *olynesia, they wail, but the wailing is close to a song. It2s strange0once you start listening to wailing that2s also singing, that2s also like a ritual, you start to wonder0how much does anyone really miss anyone else? 7ow much are they 1ust crying because it2s what they have to do, the song they have to sing? ,ome )ustralian women have to !all silent when they2re grieving0it2s re#uired0and they s eak !or the rest o! their lives only with their hands. Titus, I2m a!raid o! silence. I2m a!raid my memory will go soon. When I try to think about that year that disa eared, !rom si/ to seven, it2s nothing. I mean, I can2t remember anything. I can remember remembering, but I can2t remember anything that ha ened to me right be!ore I got the !eed. I2m a!raid I2m going to lose my ast. Who are we, i! we don2t have a ast? ,o I2m going to tell you some things. >s ecially the things be!ore I got the !eed. 5ou2re the most im ortant erson in my li!e. I2m going to tell you e$erything. ,ome day, I might want you to tell it back to me. She &e%t sending things. ) didn t o%en them. ) let them sit. ) was wal&ing around SchoolJ the ne3t

day, feeling them li&e, feeling them crowd me. )t was li&e something was always s%illing. )t was always there. ) went home that afternoon. )n the u%car, ) was afraid ) would loo& at the memories. They were getting bigger. She was sending them e$ery few minutes. Sometimes, something would bleed through her father, younger, throwing her a baseball. #er mother, wearing sandals and a %roton lid. The smell of some sauce coo&ing. Stories she told, from before she got the feed. ) would get a few words, something about an aunt, or a camel, or a guitar, or some shit. ) didn t listen to any of them, any of the stories. ) -ust &e%t them. ) didn t touch them on the way home. They -ust bled. ) got home. ) had a headache. ) told the feed to shut off the headache. )t sent me a message about how much ) was caching, and as&ed if ) wanted to o%en it. ) sat down at the table, and then wal&ed around. She was bombarding me. 'inally, ) got a message that she d sto%%ed. My lines were clear. ) went to the &itchen to get a drin& of water. ) filled a glass. ) loo&ed at the window o$er the sin&. ) deleted e$erything she had sent me. ) went into the li$ing room and sat on the sofa. ) didn t feel good. ) sat on the sofa. ) loo&ed at the fire%lace. ) had deleted all her memories. +ater on, she chatted me, saying, What2s your answer about the weekend idea? We2ll have to sneak around my dad, because he doesn2t want me to see youbut don2t worry don2t worry. We2ll be together, whatever ha ens. ) didn t &now what wee&end idea she was tal&ing about, so ) didn t answer her. The walls of my room were all white. They had hot(s%ots, where if you loo&ed at them, %osters would a%%ear, but ) shut them off. There was nothing on my walls. ) didn t do my homewor&. ) went to bed. ) lied there, face u%. ) didn t slee%. */+2-

) couldn t thin& on 'riday night, because Smell 'actor was crying and running around the house throwing things. My dad hadn t been home for a few wee&s, and my mom was really angry and &e%t yelling at Smell 'actor, and he &e%t running all u% and down the car%ets. #e was directing these li&e blasts of &ids %rograms in different directions so it hurt to wal& around because you &e%t getting caught in his beams, li&e, I, 5OA+ 7>)9 ) ,@A)+>? *OI;T TO O;> ;OW! . . . :7A:JI>, 7).> 5OA LO,T 5OA+ ,O:J, . . . )<)I;?!? ... Or suddenly you re li&e doubling o$er, and it s . . . +O$OT *)L, 5OA :); J>>* I; 5OA+ 7)I+! ,IF TO ) *):J)<>, <I.> 4O4 ) ,:)+>! >""ow5" "Meg brag!3 34ine2s called Looty!3M ) was staying in my room to a$oid ha$ing my li&e brain blown u% by Smell 'actor s broadcasts. ) heard Mom running after him, telling him she d gi$e him some coo&ie dough if he d sto%. ) sat there and wondered what to do, because ) was bored of the games ) had, and it was -ust 'riday, but ) didn t &now if anyone was going out, or what we were su%%osed to do that wee&end. Mom called u% to me, "#ey5 ;iolet s here5" She said it li&e ) was e3%ecting ;iolet. ) got u% and went to my bedroom door. ) -ust stood there, and didn t %ush the button to o%en it. My hand was on the button, but ) didn t %ush it. ) stood by the door. "#ey5" my mom called. ) heard her say, "2ou can -ust go u%. #e s %robably aslee%." ) %ressed the button. She was coming u% the stairs. She wa$ed, &ind of %athetic, li&e ) was going to yell at her. ) -ust stood by the door to let her in my room. She didn t come in. She stood -ust outside the room. ) was -ust inside. She said, "Can ) come in." ) let her in. She came in, and ) shut the door. "2ou didn t gi$e me an answer about this wee&end," she said, "but ) -ust figured, ) m going

anyway. ) don t &now how much time ) ha$e." ""hat." ) said. ") m going to the mountains. 2ou can come if you want." She was li&e, ") d li&e it if you d come." ""hen." "=ow. 'or the wee&end. !idn t you get my message." ) shoo& my head. "Oh," ) said. "=o." "The other night." ") guess not." "Or the memories." ) said, ""hat memories." ") sent you all these memories. ) sent you hours worth." ) loo&ed at the rug. ) said to her, "=o. =o, ) didn t get anything. Any memories or anything." She sat down on the bed. "Oh," she said. "Oh, great. So that s going wrong, too. My chat and messaging. ) wondered why you didn t say anything. Oh, god. Oh, shit." ) didn t say anything. ) -ust stood there. She loo&ed u%. She told me, ") got here in a ta3i." ) went o$er to my dresser and leaned on it. She said, ") told my dad ) was going to a friend s house. #e doesn t &now it s you. ) figure, what s he going to do. 7round me for the rest of my life. Meaning, li&e, fifteen minutes." She laughed really short and harsh. ) didn t thin& she should -o&e about that, because you -ust don t -o&e about your life. *s%ecially because it can ma&e %eo%le really uncomfortable, if you ha$e something wrong with you, and you &ee% bringing it u% in certain ways. She was li&e, "Are you coming or not. This is my big time. ) m going to really li$e." She said, ") m going to fuc&ing li$e. ) m going to go u% to the mountains and see things, and ) m going to come home on Monday or Tuesday and be li&e, I2ve seen it. I2ve used every second. And then each day after that, ) m going to do something different. ) don t care. Museums. Shows. Anything." ) said, ") m &ind of busy. ) wish ) d got the message." She stared at me li&e she couldn t belie$e me. ) said, ")f ) d got it, ) could $e changed my %lans, what ) ha$e to do."

"O&ay," she said. She was angry. She stood u%. She said, "O&ay." ") m really sorry." "2ou don t want to run away together. 2ou don t thin& that sounds e3citing. /etter than doing . . . whate$er you re doing." "e were standing there, and Smell 'actor was running down the hall behind us, shooting out his broadcast beams L37>)9, A*, T>>; >;FO+:>+,, 2:)A,> T7)T ,A+> )I;2T T7> W>L:O4> W)<O;!3M. Mom was running along the car%et behind him, shouting at him. She slammed some doors. ) thin& she must $e caught u% to him. ;iolet said, ")t ll be fun." She sent me %ictures of a cabin with some %ine trees, and a fire, and two %eo%le with smudged faces that could be her and me sitting there under one comforter. "Come on," said ;iolet. ""hat are you going to do otherwise." ) didn t want to answer her. ,eriously, she chatted. What2s scheduled? ) thought about the %ictures again, the cabin and the %ine trees. ) thought about the comforter, and her sitting ne3t to me. ) thought about me erasing the co%ies of her memories. ) said, "O&ay" "2ou ll go." "O&ay." "Oh, this is great. "e re going to ha$e a great time." "O&ay." She said get my clothes, so ) did, ) too& out some clothes and started %utting them in a duffel bag. She was all cheerful and &e%t bouncing herself on the bed and tal&ing about where we were going. She %ic&ed u% my bo3er shorts when ) was folding them, and she had this smile, and she %ut her finger through the $ent in the front and twiddled it. )t stood u% li&e an ele%hant s trun&. ) watched her. Then she tossed the bo3er shorts onto the duffel bag, and ) folded them again and %ut them in. ) told my mom that we were going to a concert and that ) was going to stay o$er at ;iolet s house

afterward, because ) thought she would frea& if she &new ) was going to go off somewhere without ha$ing any real %lan and s%end money on a hotel or cabin. Mom said, <reat, have a good time, because she was busy running on a treadmill that lit things u% while Smell 'actor tried to throw marbles at her &nees. ;iolet and ) went out to my u%car and we got in. ) as&ed her whether she shouldn t tell her dad where we were going, and she said no, he was being $ery %rotecti$e, and he would birth meg cow if he found out she was gone for the wee&end, and with me. ) said, Oh great. "e were flying now, going u% the dro%tube, and ) was waiting for her directions. She sent them right to the u%car and it sent confirmation. ) could feel it calculating a flight %attern. ) as&ed her, "So ha$e you been o&ay." and she said, "Things ha%%en immobilitythen a few hours later, it sto%s, and ) can mo$e. ) m worried about the chat, though. That s new. ) didn t &now. !id you try to send me things." ) lied to her: "A few things. They were short," but ) didn t feel good about it. ) said, "2ou could send the memories to me again." She loo&ed at me real intense. She goes, "2ou can -oin me. "e can %re%are. ) ha$e this dream that ) ll be able to learn to li$e without the feed. ) wish they could -ust switch it off." "Can t they." "=ot dormant. Off. ) mean, com%letely. They can t right now )t re%laces too many basic functions. )t s tied in to e$erything." She was loo&ing at the ceiling. "One little thing," she said. ") ca$ed in. The other day, =ina said she d noticed all of the re0uiem masses ) d been listening to. She suggested some others. #ere s the hideous thing." ""hat." ") li&ed them. She figured it out. ) $e been s&etched demogra%hically They can still %redict things

) li&e." She sighed. "They re really close to winning. ) m trying to resist, but they re close to winning." "6ust . . . &ee% . . .") didn t &now what to say. ) said, "!oing." She loo&ed at me and smiled, and said, "My hero." ) didn t want to be called her hero. ) loo&ed at her, and she was smiling li&e she was bro&en. ) reached down, and turned u% the fan in the climate control. *)+1)t was a college town u% in some mountains. The mountainsides were co$ered with gouges and cables. She had made a reser$ation at a hotel. )t was a chea% hotel, the &ind where you always are thin&ing about urban legends. "e went in to the manager. ") reser$ed a room," ;iolet said. #e said, "=ame." #e loo&ed at me. ) guessed, "Mister and Missus Smith." ;iolet smiled li&e we were in a musical and she was about to brea& out singing. The guy nodded. #e was li&e, "2eah. Sure. Smith. ) don t gi$e a rat s ass. 2ou re Smith li&e ) m /etty 7rable." #e held u% a scanner. "#old out your hands. ) ll &ey you for the room." ) was trying to ha$e fun. "e went out to the room. ;iolet was li&e, ""hat a 0uaint little %lace. ) didn t &now stucco could brown li&e this." She touched the door, and it o%ened for her hand. She went in. ) went out to the u%car and got our bags. ) li&ed being the man getting the bags. ) went in. She was %o&ing around the room. She lifted the co$ers on the bed and loo&ed at the sheets. "Chec& the mattress foundation," she said. "'or bodies. They sew them in." "O&ay," ) said. ")f you dig the %ubic lice out of the soa%s." She loo&ed around. ")t s the &ind of a%ocry%hal story hotel where %eo%le usually only stay when their u%car brea&s down during a rainstorm." ) said, "2eah." She said, "!ead rattlers drying on the shower curtain rod. A man with rulers for hands sitting in the room ne3t door. 2ou &now, chihuahuas in the mini(fridge."

"e went out to chec& out the town. There were lights e$erywhere, and concrete. 2ou could see down off the mountain, all of the lights from the u%%er layer of suburbs stretching all around for as far as you could see, in loo%s and half loo%s from all of the cul(de(sacs. )t was cold out, because we were outside on a mountain, and we wore -ac&ets and night goggles. )t was the nice &ind of cold when someone else s s&in, it will be grainy when you touch it. ) thought maybe it wouldn t be so bad, being with her. There was some shouting going on by the college cam%us. "e went into a %i11a %lace and ordered a %i11a. "e as&ed the %eo%le what it was, and they said it was a %rotest. "e as&ed for what, and they didn t &now. So we ate our %i11a there, and got some hot cocoa. )t was good to ha$e the cocoa. ) thought maybe some 8ahlua, too, but ) figured the only alcohol they d ha$e at the hotel would be for cleaning tile. ) felt li&e ) needed a drin&, because ) suddenly reali1ed that ) was dreading e$ery second. "e got bac& to the room and touched the door. )t was a whole night we had to get through. She grabbed me when we went through, li&e it was romantic, and she had the front of my coat in her hands, and she %ulled me right u% to her and &issed me. She whis%ered, ") want to e3%erience e$erything, Titus." ) said, "Oh. O&ay." ) ho%ed she would li&e get the signal, which was the null signal. She too& off her coat and threw it on a chair. She was going, ") $e done some of it before. ) had this boyfriend, he %layed the guitar. Somehow he tric&ed me into doing a thing or two before ) reali1ed his lyrics didn t rhyme." She sat on the bed. She was tal&ing in a way that made me feel li&e the whole mucusy %art of my chest was hardened into a stone and someone threw it off a bridge into a dee%, dee% hole. "/ut ) $e ne$er done the main e$ent," she said. My chest &e%t on falling, maybe with

some ice crystals on it now. She said, "Sit down ne3t to me." ) sat down ne3t to her. She %ut one arm around me. )t was &ind of aw&ward, because we were sitting ne3t to one another. She &issed me on the li%s, and ) started &issing her bac&. #er one hand was around my nec&, and she %ut her other hand on my leg. ) could still feel the most or ) guess biggest %art of my chest, the lung and mucus %art, falling down into the %it, maybe hitting the edge and getting dirty and rolling now, with a &ind of s0uelching noise, and ) was thin&ing forward to when it would be o$er. She was &neading me with her hand, and ) -ust sat there. My arms weren t around her anymore, they were bac& on the bed, holding me u%. She was li&e mushing me u% with her hand. ) said, "Ow." She said, ") really wanted this to ha%%en with you. ,ight from when we started going out. 2ou re -ust so beautiful. 2ou lead this life li&e ) $e always wanted to -ust, e$erything is normal. "e can -ust be li&e normal %eo%le are, off s&iing. "e could e$en rent s&is. 2ou &now, normal &ids, they go off for s&i wee&ends." ) said, "*$ery year ) go s&iing with my %arents. One year we went to Swit1erland." "7reat," she said. "2ou &now the border s closed now, for Americans. =ow let s refocus our attention." ) as&ed, "#a$e you e$er been telemar&ing." She &issed me on the mouth to shut me u%. She was holding my hair too, which hel%ed. Then she whis%ered, ") lo$e you, Titus. This is going to be the most ama1ing night. This is going to drill eyes in the bac& of our heads. She was still wor&ing away with her hand and nothing was really ha%%ening, and ) tried to mo$e away, and she had her arm around me and was starting to loo& worried. ) felt bad, because it wasn t

her fault she was going to die, so ) tried to smile, but ) couldn t. She said, ""hat s going on. "hat am ) doing wrong." ) said, "=othing." She said, ""hat s ha%%ening." ) said, "=othing." She said, ") can tell." She tried again, and e$en worse, tried to be dirty, li&e going, "Come on baby, ) want to feel you," and all that &ind of thing. 'inally, she said, ""hat s going on." ) stood u%. She was li&e, ""hat s the matter." ) said, "+et s not." ""hat. "hat s the matter with you." ) said, ") &ee% %icturing you dead already. )t feels . . ." ) didn t want to finish the sentence. She was waiting, though, so for some stu%id reason, ) did finish it, maybe because ) was angry, and ) said, ")t feels li&e being felt u% by a 1ombie, o&ay. That s what it feels li&e." #er face turned com%letely white. ) felt li&e shit. "All right," she said. ") guess this was a bad idea." She loo&ed $ery little, down on the bed. ) felt really bad. ) said, ") m sorry. ) m really sorry. ) didn t mean that." She said, ""hat did ) do wrong." "=othing." She %ic&ed u% the edge of the co$erlet with her fingers and rubbed it. She dro%%ed it. She was loo&ing what %eo%le call "as&ance." She said, ")n tests, they find huge numbers of !=A strands on hotel co$erlets." ) stood and waited. She said, ") went to the moon during s%ring brea& to see how %eo%le li$e. "hen you came along, ) thought, =ow ) ll ha$e a boyfriend, li&e %eo%le ha$e boyfriends. Other %eo%le -ust ha$e fun. They -ust ha$e fun, and it comes naturally to them. ) couldn t belie$e it when the first night. . . that guy ..." She whac&ed the bac& of her own head. "+i&e a %unishment. The first night. That guy. The hac&er. )t

was li&e ) was being %unished for e$en trying. That.. . he .. ." =ow the color was coming bac& into her face. She said, "Then we were in the hos%ital. They too& me away from the rest of you and told me, 2our feed is damaged. There s a danger it may be life(threatening. And ) came down, and too& you away, and &issed you. And the whole time, ) was thin&ing, ;ow I2m living. I have someone with me. I2m not alone. I2m living.3 "O&ay," ) said. ";iolet, ) m real) m real sorry." "2ou mean 2sorry.23 She loo&ed u% at me, with her eyebrows weird, and what that &ind of "sorry" meant to both of us was that it was o$er, that ) had -ust bro&en u% with her. "2eah," ) said. "Sorry in that way." She thought about it. She said, ") wanted someone to &now me. ) thought it would be li&e when you re finally tied to the doc&." She thought about it more. She said, ") was brought into the world in a room with no one there but se$en machines. "e all are. My %arents watched through the glass when ) was ta&en out of the amniotic fluid. ) came into the world alone." She %ic&ed u% her shoe and scratched the crust out of the tread. She said, ") didn t want to go out of it alone." ) was li&e, "That ssee. That s the thing. ) can t field this. O&ay. 2ou re laying this whole guilt ban0uet. ) can t field any of this." ") m sorry," she said, "but ) seem to be dying." "=o) can t field this. 2ou were, the whole time, you were -ust %lanning this whole eternal thing, and ) was su%%osed to automatically lo$e you always, but ) didn t e$en &now. ) was -ust thin&ing about going out with you, and we would ha$e some fun for a few months, but to you, ) was the normal guy, ) was magic Mr. =ormal !umbass, with my dumbass normal friends, and oh5 +i&e the whole, li&e oh5 #ow delightful, the whole enchanted world of being a stu%id shithead who goes

dancing and gets laid5 2ou wanted to mingle with the common %eo%le. 6ust latch on to this one dumbass, and ma&e fun of his friends for being stu%id, while all the time, ha$ing this little wish that you could be li&e us, without thin&ing about what we re li&e, or what our %roblems are, or that we might not be li&e sa$ing the en$ironment or anything, but we ha$e our own %roblemsnow you re you &now. 2ou &now." "=o," she said, really soft and angry. ") don t ha$e any idea." ""e $e only been going out a cou%le of months. And ) m su%%osed to act li&e we re married. A cou%le of months. )t s not some big eternal thing. "e should $e bro&e u% wee&s ago. ) would $e, if you hadn t been . .." ")f ) hadn t been what." ") didn t sign u% to go out with you fore$er when you re dead. )t s been a cou%le of months. O&ay. A cou%le of months." There was a silence. "That s it." she said. ""ell, it was s%ring brea&. That would ma&e it A%ril, May. . ." "That s not what ) mean. ) mean, that s it." "Oh, now you re going to ta&e it all wrong." "+et s go home." ""hat." "Ta&e me out to your brand(s%an&ing(new u%car and ta&e me home." ""hat s wrong with my u%car." "2ou tell me. 2ou loo& worried." ""hat s wrong with it." "The male goat %isses in his own face to attract the female. And she li&es it." "Oh, fuc& you. "hat s that su%%osed to mean." "!o you &now what s going on in Central America." "Oh, here we" "!o you &now why the 7lobal Alliance is %ointing all the wea%onry at their dis%osal at us. =o. #ardly anyone does. !o you &now why our s&in is falling off. #a$e you heard that some suburbs ha$e been lost, -ust, no one &nows where they are anymore. =o one can find them. =o one &nows

what s ha%%ened. !o you &now the earth is dead. Almost nothing li$es here anymore, e3ce%t where we %lant it. =o. =o, no, no. "e don t &now any of that. "e ha$e tea %arties with our teddies. "e go sledding. "e en-oy being young. "e ta&e what s coming to us. That s our way." ) %ic&ed u% my duffel bag. "2ou can finish the li&e, the sermon in the u%car," ) said. "2ou ll ha$e a cou%le of hours before we get to your house." ) o%ened the door. "Maybe you can also sing me some death songs." She grabbed her bag. She e3%lained carefully, ") disco$er that ) hate you." ) said, "!o you want to %ay for the room, honey, or should )." She reali1ed it had to be %aid still, and she said, "Oh, shit." "!on t worry, darling. ) ha$e li&e all the money in the world." ) %aid. ) was wal&ing out the door. ) felt my credit blotted fi$e hundred and twenty dollars. ) went out to the u%car. ) o%ened the door for her. She got in. "e %ut the duffel bags between us. "e flew bac&. )t was night. ) had ne$er been some%lace with that much of angry in the air, li&e it was crammed. +i&e the whole air was bu11ing. +i&e all of the lights on the dashboard were teasing us. "e were hurtling forward, and it was li&e we were fueled by how much we hated each other. She was crying. )t made her ugly. She crossed her arms on her la%. ) thought how ugly she was. #er one hand was lim%, li&e a fli%%er. ) reali1ed it wasn t wor&ing anymore. ) closed my eyes. There was nothing but air in between us. ) could say ) was sorry. ) was almost saying it. "e were flying, and ) was close to saying it, if only she wouldn t say something sarcastic, something snotty, something about how she had watched us all and tried to be as dumb and fun as us. She loo&ed really alone, sitting there in the seat, with the harness around her, and her cri%%led fli%%er(hand cradled between her legs so ) wouldn t see it. ) don t &now how ) s%ent two hours, it was so awful and boring. ) thought about anything else that

) could. 5ou low? said a banner. ;ot !or longnot when you !ind out the savings you can en1oy at Weatherbee R :rotch2s )nnual $lowout ,ummer Fashions ,ale! )t was a little embarrassing, but ) did order a -ersey. ) did it really careful, in case she was trac&ing my feed. The night seemed to go on for hours. ) couldn t belie$e it when we got to her dro%tube and went down to the bottom, to her suburb. "e flew down her street. There were streets on the ground. They were lit by lights. At her house, ) got out and climbed down. #er father was watching through the window. #e would see me and &now she was lying about where she had been. #e came out of the front door. "e were ho$ering in the dri$eway. ) had gone around to her side and o%ened her door u%, and she was trying to stand. She couldn t get out too good with her arm not wor&ing. ) held u% my hand. She didn t ta&e it. She wobbled there. She was afraid she would fall. #er father watched her. #e saw what was ha%%ening and ran u%. #e too& her hand. She reached out with her other hand and too& her own wrist bac& from him. She freed her hand from her dad s. She let herself down to the ground alone, all alone. She stood between the two of us, loo&ing from one to the other. ) turned around and went bac& to my side of the u%car. ) got in. ) left. ) flew home. )t was only months later that ) reali1ed that the last thing ) e$er heard her mouth say, the last words she would s%ea& to me, had already been s%o&en, and they were, "Oh, shit." *1+*So, she messaged me the ne3t day, I2m not messaging you to say I2m sorry, because I2m not, not !or e$erything. $ut I am messaging you to say that I love you, and that you2re com letely wrong about me thinking you2re stu id. I always thought you could teach me things. I was always waiting. 5ou2re

not like the others. 5ou say things that no one e/ ects you to. 5ou think you2re stu id. 5ou want to be stu id. $ut you2re someone eo le could learn !rom. )nd I want to talk, i! you do. "e both said mean things, dumb things, things we didn2t mean. $ut there2s always time to change. There2s always time. Antil there2s not. That was her message. ) said, "Oh, nothing," when +in& loo&ed at me funny. "e went out to &ic& some ass on the bas&etball court. 'ummertime "hen school ended for the year, +in& and Marty and ) went to one of the moons of 6u%iter to stay with Marty s aunt for a few wee&s. )t was o&ay. "e had a %retty good time. /y that %oint, ) was going out with 9uendy, and ) &ind of missed her. "e met other girls on )o, but ) was chatting bac& to 9uendy the whole time, e$en though there were some meg delays in feed ser$ice between the %lanets. ) told her how much ) missed her. "e had some good %arties that summer when we got bac& to *arth. Marty got a giant To% 9uar& %ool, it was inflatable and huge, and the %ool was in To% 9uar& s belly. )t floated abo$e Marty s house. )t was %retty funny. Marty had also gotten a =i&e s%eech tattoo, which was %retty brag. )t meant that e$ery sentence, he automatically said "=i&e." #e %aid a lot for it. )t was hilarious, because you could hardly understand what he said anymore. )t was -ust, "This fuc&in shit =i&e, fuc&in , you &now, =i&e," etc. *$erything was not always going well, because for most %eo%le, our hair fell out and we were bald, and we had less and less s&in. Then later there was this thing that hit hi%sters. Peo%le were -ust sto%%ing in their trac&s fro1en. At first, %eo%le thought it was another $irus, and they were loo&ing for grou%s li&e the Coalition of Pity, but it turned out that it was something called =ostalgia 'eedbac&.

Peo%le had been getting nostalgia for fashions that were closer and closer to their own time, until finally %eo%le became nostalgic for the moment they were actually li$ing in, and the feedbac& com%letely fro1e them. )t ha%%ened to Calista and +oga. "e were real worried about them for a day or so. "e &new they d be all right, but still, you &now Marty was li&e, "#oly fuc&in shit, this is so =i&e fuc&ed." The night after ) saw them fro1en, e$en though they were o&ay, ) couldn t slee% at all. ) &e%t thin&ing of ;iolet and her bro&en fli%%er(hand. ) &e%t thin&ing of her %inching her leg and not being able to feel it. ) thought of her lying without mo$ing, but in my thoughts, her eyes were o%en. That summer was the summer when all of the bees came out of the walls of those suburbs and went cra1y, and %eo%le couldn t figure it out at all. )t turned out that my u%car was not the &ind of u%car my friends rode in. ) don t &now why. )t had enough room, but for some reason %eo%le didn t thin& of it that way Sometimes that made me feel &ind of tired. )t was li&e ) &e%t buying these things to be cool, but cool was always flying -ust ahead of me, and ) could ne$er e3actly catch u% to it. ) felt li&e ) d been running toward it for a long time. the deep One night at dinner, when my dad came bac& from a cor%orate ad$enture with his management team, he showed us memories from it. #e said it was great and really refreshing, and that it was -ust the &ind of thing to %romote team interface, and to get e$eryone to wor& out their sto%<go hierarchies. They went whale hunting. )t was -ust %eo%le and old shi%s and the whales, and the whales lamination, which he said was a non(organic co$ering that made it %ossible for them to li$e in the sea. So he broadcast it to the family. #e was all, "O&ay, here you see us in the little whaleboat.

"e $e %ut out from the main shi%. "e $e s%otted a whale, and we re rowing out to it. This was awesome. Totally awesome. Can you feel the s%ray. ) lo$ed it. ) &e%t getting it in my eyes and blin&ing. That soh, that s !a$e Percole3, ;.P. of Client ,elations. #e s in charge of the buc&et of ro%e. See him wa$ing. #i, !a$e. 2ou can see the head of our Phoeni3 office there holding the har%oon. So we re rowing out there as fast as %ossible. )t was really rough that day See, we re all shouting that we need to be going faster. ,ow, row, row5 "e ha$e our new intern there %ulling at the oars. #ey, +isa5" ) wasn t $ery interested, and it was ma&ing me a little sic& to my stomach, because it was going u% and down, and the water was gray e$erywhere, and so was the s&y, and ) thin& !ad must $e been sic& to his stomach, because the feed was broadcasting his stomach sic&ness. "All right. So here you can see us har%ooning the whale. Oh, 6esushere we go5 'eel that tug5 )t s awesome. Totally awesome. O&ay, this is what they call a =antuc&et Sleigh ,ide. 2ou got to be dragged by the whale until it gets tired. Then you can go u% to it and %uncture its lung. Oh, there: This is later. 2ou can see 6eff Matson stabbing it. #e s Chairman of the /oard. "ow5 Thar she blows, huh.5" There was this big s%ray of blood. "#ow s his wife." as&ed Mom. "6eff s. She s great, ) thin&. 'ine. O&ay, so here we $e %ulled the whale u% beside the shi%. This was the greatest feeling. =ow they ha$e to flense the whale, or remo$e all its blubber in huge mats. !ude, this is tough wor&. They ha$e to lift the blubber sheets on hoo&s and feed it into the try(wor&s, where the blubber, it s all reduced with, you &now, fire and heat. )t s really hot and difficult, and ) felt real bad for the interns you see there doing it, Maggie and ,ic&. 7ood &ids. ,eal good &ids." ) heard a $oice say, ,he wanted me to tell you when everything sto ed.

) could barely hear it o$er the cries on the shi%, and the smashing of wa$es against the carcass of the whale. ,he wanted me to tell you when it was over. "All right," said my dad. "#ere we are drin&ing a toast. And in the bac&ground, you can see now they get some &ind of s%ecial oil out of the brain ca$ity. 2ou ha$e to actually send %eo%le into the brain ca$ity to bail it out with buc&ets. See. They re dressed u% all in rubber. )t s an awful -ob, wal&ing around in the brain. Those are /y% and 6ohn, two more of our interns. See 6ohn, with the buc&et." ,he wanted me to tell you that you don2t need to see her i! you don2t wish to. ) loo&ed for who said it on the shi%, because it was a feed noise, but ) couldn t turn my head, because it was my dad s head, and his memory, and there was the sea s%ray. ) &e%t on loo&ing at this li&e forty(fi$e(year(old ;.P. lady and getting com%letely turned on. ) tried to sto% loo&ing down her blouse when she stoo%ed down to %ic& u% some &ind of flensing s%ade, and ) tried to loo& for the $oice, but ) couldn t turn my head, and anyway, it wasn t there with the interns bailing the whale oil, or the seagulls flying o$er the boat and charging at the slime that was all o$er the wood. )t was ;iolet s father s $oice. I am attaching our address, in case you2ve !orgotten it. ,he told me to tell you when it was all over. "=e$er mind the rest," said my dad, and he sto%%ed the broadcast. ""ait5" ) said. They loo&ed at me. ""hat was the lady at the end." said Smell 'actor. "She made me funny." "2es," said my mom, &ind of dangerous sounding. ""ho was she." "So that was the outing," said my dad. ) was trying to %ic& u% the line from ;iolet s father. ) was searching for it, but ) couldn t find it. There was -ust his message, and the attachment with their address. ) stood u%. ) said, ") got to go. ) -ust got this message that ;iolet s ... ) don t &now. ) thin& something s really wrong."

My father said, "There s a name we li&e ha$en t heard for a while." My mother said, "Maybe because we ha$e been strutting around on a whaling boat, eyeing u% the ;P. of Sales." My mom had lost so much s&in you could see her teeth e$en when her mouth was closed. ""hat about it, Peg(leg Pete." ) left and went out to my u%car and got in. ) flew out of our bubble and into the main tube, and then out of our neighborhood and u% the dro%tube and then across the surface. Peo%le were going by me in strea&s of light. The clouds were glowing green, and a blac& snow was falling. )t was miles and miles away. )t was li&e so far. On the news, there were underground e3%losions that no one could e3%lain in =ew 6ersey and a riot had started a few hours before in a mall in California, and was s%reading, with feed co$erage of %eo%le stam%eding for safety and children falling and %rofessional %eo%le beating the shit out of each other with chairs and a body floating in a fountain while the Mu1a& %layed a walt1. ) had fed ;iolet s address into the u%car, so it did the dri$ing. ) didn t need to do hardly anything. ) didn t ha$e the li&e, you &now, the attention, and ) wished ) didn t ha$e to sit. ) wanted to %ace until ) got there, if there d been enough room. My legs felt -um%y. "hile ) got out of my u%car, the front door of the house o%ened. #er father was there. #e left the door o%ened and went inside. ) wal&ed down the dri$eway. ) stood for a minute by the o%en door. )t was dar& inside. Then ) went in. There was no one in the li$ing room. There were the stac&s of boo&s e$erywhere, and %osters with words on them, and some %lants. ) called out, "#ello." and nobody answered me, so ) went around the corner to go to ;iolet s room. #er father was standing in the &itchen. #e was leaned u% against the counter. #e had on his feed bac&%ac& and his s%ecial glasses, which were showing him words. #e loo&ed u% at me 0uic&ly when

) came in. ) whis%ered, ""hat s ha%%ened." The father %ointed down the hall. The hall was dar&, with wall(to(wall car%eting that might $e had something s%illed on it. ) went down the hall. ) went into the room, and saw her there. )+0) stood there in front of her bed. The bed was floating. She was co$ered in discs. They were on her face and u% her arms. She loo&ed real, real %ale. There were signals going on behind her. /ee%ing and so on. #er hair had been sha$ed off, and it was -ust a fu11, now. There were scars on her scal% from where they tried to fi3 her. #er eyes were o%en. )t was weird to be in the room with her. )t was li&e being in the room with her if she was wood. )t didn t feel li&e you were in the room with anyone. 2ou could stand there and you would feel com%letely alone, li&e you were -ust in a room with a %ro%. 2ou could watch the %ro%, and not feel anything, or remember anything about how the %ro% used to -o&e with you, and how you wanted to &iss it and feel it u%. ) had thought it would feel li&e a tragedy, but it didn t feel li&e anything at all. #er father came in and sat down in a chair behind me. ) was still standing u%. #e settled in his chair. ) could hear his feed%ac& crea&ing. ) &e%t loo&ing at her. #e said, "#er s%eech became increasingly slurred. Toward the end, she no longer could ma&e the &ind of sly witticism of which she was so fond. 2our bon mots cannot fly fleetly when each consonant is a labor. She could barely get her tongue to touch her hard %alate. She would &ic& things in anger when she couldn t s%ea&. 4ntil her legs sto%%ed wor&ing finally, and didn t start bac& u% again. Then ) could see her tra%%ed in there. ) could see it in her eyes. 'or a while. She had also

become"he sighed"she had become ha1y. Confused. The hi%%ocam%us was li&ely being mismanaged, so her memory was dim. She as&ed me about her mother. She s%o&e a great deal of you. The worst stage was when one could tell she was still awa&e and almost alert, but she &new that nothing wor&ed. )m%risoned. She was im%risoned. )n a statue li&e the S%hin3. +oo&ing out from the eyes. #er own mind, at that %oint, was as small and bewildered as a little fly. /ehind great battlements." ) turned around. "ords were going across his eyes. #e did not read them. ) whis%ered, "Oh." #e said, facing toward her feet, "#er mother and ) didn t want to get her a feed at all. ) did not ha$e one. =either did her mother. ) said none for my family. "Then one day, when her mother had left, and ) needed wor&, ) was at a -ob inter$iew. ) was an e3cellent candidate. Two men were inter$iewing me. Tal&ing about this and that. Then they were silent, -ust loo&ing at me. ) grew uncomfortable. Then they began loo&ing at each other, and doing what ) might call smirking. ") reali1ed that they had chatted me, and that ) had not res%onded. They found this funny. ,isible. That a man would not ha$e a feed. So they were chatting about me in my %resence. Teasing me when ) could not hear. 'ree to assess me as they would, right in front of me. ") did not get the -ob. ")t was thus that ) reali1ed that my daughter would need the feed. She had to li$e in the world. ) as&ed her if she wanted it. She was a little girl. Of course she said yes. )t was installed. ")f they had not installed it ..." #e lifted his hand, and held it, li&e he was weighing %ossibilities. "They say," he told me, "that it was the late installation that made it dangerous. The brain was already wired to o%erate on its own. The feed installation was nonstandard. They ha$e also told me

that if ) had bought a better model, %erha%s it would ha$e been more ada%table. ) remember them as&ing at the time." #e whis%ered, ") s&im%ed. ) read consumer re%orts and wondered, "hat s the difference. " #e loo&ed at me, and as&ed, ""hat could go wrong." #e was glaring at me. ") m sorry," ) said. #e as&ed, "'or what." "'or what ) did." ""hat about what you didn t do." ) nodded. ") m sorry for that, too." "Sorrow," he said, "comes so chea%." "2ou can t blame me." ""hy." ") didn t do this." "2ou too& her to that nightclub." "Shebut she wanted to li$e. She told me. She told me she wanted to li$e." #e hissed, %ointing at her, "!oes this count." ) loo&ed at her. She was com%letely calm. She didn t mo$e. There was a bee%ing. ) remembered her in the hos%ital on the moon. +aughing. Throwing hy%odermic needles at a %icture of a man with no s&in. And then he began sending me shots of memory. ) saw her gagging when %arts of her throat sto%%ed wor&ing. ) saw her lying %artway on the bed, %artway on the floor, tangled in her sheets, her eyes o%en but not blin&ing. ) saw her thrashing on the mattress, mooing li&e a cow for mercy. ) rolled her o$er with his hands, ) rolled her o$er, and the bac& of her %a-amas were blac& and wet with her shit. ) started to clean her. ) saw her %leading with her eyes. The room smelled li&e her urine, li&e something hot and -ust starting to bud. ) began to cough, and came out of the memories. #e was sitting there, staring at me. ""hat a nice $isit," he said. "So &ind of you to come." "Sto% it," ) said.

"2ou $e done your duty. "hy don t you go along and %lay your games." said her father. ""e re the land of youth. The land of o%%ortunity. 7o out and ta&e what s yours." ") m not a -er&," ) said. ""e Americans," he said, "are interested only in the consum tion of our %roducts. "e ha$e no interest in how they were %roduced, or what ha%%ens to them"he %ointed at his daughter"what ha%%ens to them once we discard them, once we throw them away" ") didn t," ) said. ") didn t throw her away." "And the worst thing," he said, "is that you made her a%ologi1e. Toward the end. ) didn t say anything to her, but she told me she was a%ologi1ing to you for what she said, for how she beha$ed. 2ou made her a%ologi1e for sic&ness. 'or her courage. 2ou made her feel sorry for dying." ") m sorry." "2ou re sorry." #e stood u%. #e was taller than me. Thin, real thin, but tall, with these big, loose hands. #e said, ""hy don t you go bac& to your friends, the ones who teased her." "They didn t." ")t s almost time for foosball. )t will be a gala. 7o along, little child. 7o bac& and hang with the eloi." ""hat are the eloi." ")t s a reference," he said, snotty. ")t s from The Time 4achine. #. 7. "ells." ) ste%%ed closer to him. ""hat does it mean." ) as&ed. "/ecause ) m sic& of " ",ead it." ") m sic& of being told ) m stu%id." "So read it, and you ll &now." "Tell me." ",ead it." "Tell me." "2ou can loo& it u%." "2ou can tell me." ""ill you e$er o%en your eyes." ) yelled, "'uc& you5 'uc& you5 2ou can fuc&in tell me5"

#e grabbed my shirt. ) didn t e3%ect that. #is big, loose hand was on my shirt. #e was yelling li&e a little &id. #e was yelling, "=o, fuc& you5 'uc& you fore$er and fore$er and fore$er5 'uc& you fore$er and e$er5" ) %ushed at his arm. #is fingers were wound u% in the fabric. #e was crying. 3Fuck you !orever and ever and ever! Forever and ever!3 ) %ushed his arm away. ) went for the door. #e was -ust crying, and saying, "'uc& you fore$er and e$er. 'ore$er and e$er." /efore the door shut, ) heard him saying to her, "2ou couldn t hear that, ;i, could you. ) m sorry. ) m sorry. 2ou didn t hear that. . . ." ) wal&ed so fast ) almost ran through the house. ) stumbled sometimes. There was a s%ecial on draft %ants at Multitude. There was a %re$iew of the season o%ener of Jlang. ) ran out to the dri$eway. ) went to my u%car. ) didn t fly. ) didn t go anywhere. ) sat in the u%car. )t nudged me and as&ed me where ) wanted to go. ) didn t answer. ) sat. ) sat. 'inally ) told it ) wanted to go home. )t too& me. Miles of suburban bubbles, the shafts, the tubes, the %ods. Pennants ad$ertising malls. Trailer %ar&s on miles of concrete, with window bo3es co$ered in ash. 4%cars flashing %ast, their %rices s%ea&ing to me in my head. At home, ) wal&ed around my room. Out in the hall, ) could hear Smell 'actor %laying action figures. ) could hear him ma&e e3%losions with his mouth. ) sat on my floor. ) tore at my %ants. ) was trying so hard to get them off that they ri%%ed. ) too& off my sweatshirt. ) threw my bo3er shorts against the wall. ) was na&ed. Com%letely na&ed. ) sat on the rug. ) sat in the middle of the floor. ) could smell my own sweat from my folded %laces. ) sat there. ) ordered the draft %ants from Multitude. )t was a real bargain.

) ordered another %air. ) ordered %air after %air. ) ordered them all in the same color. They were slate. ) was ordering them as 0uic&ly as ) could. ) %ut in my address again and again. ) was shi$ering with the cold on my butt. My arms were around my legs. ) ordered %ants after %ants. ) %ut trac&ing orders on them. ) trac&ed each one. ) could feel them mo$ing through the system. S%reading out from me, in the dead of night, ) could feel credit deducted, and the warehouse alerted, and %ac&ing, ) could feel the %ac&ing, and the shi%ment, the distribution, the transition to 'ed*3, the numbers, each time, the order number, my customer number traded li&e secret words at a border, and the things all went out, and ) could feel them coming to me as the night %assed. ) could feel them in orbit. ) could feel them in circulation all around me li&e blood in my $eins. ) had no credit. ) had nothing left in my account. ) could feel the %ants winging their way toward me through the night. ) stayed u% all through the early morning, shi$ering, ordering, ordering, and was awa&e at dawn, when ) %ut on clothes, and went u% to the surface, and watched the shit( stu%id sun rise o$er the whole shit(stu%id world. )+0Two days later, ) went to $isit her. ) dressed real careful, li&e for a s%ecial occasion. "hile ) was dri$ing there, ) &e%t fiddling with my shirt. ) tried the slee$es rolled u% and rolled down at different %laces on my bice%s. "hen ) got to the house, the father o%ened the door. The father ste%%ed away and let me in. #e didn t say anything. #e wal&ed into the &itchen and out the bac& door. ) went into ;iolet s room. She -ust lay there. She still had the discs all o$er her. Someone had laid her arms outside of the sheets. #er eyes were still o%en. ) sat beside her. ) had an hour before ) had to go meet 9uendy. ) %ut my hands on ;iolet s arm.

) said, ";iolet. 2ou might be able tomaybe you can hear in there," ) said. "So ) came o$er to ... ) thought ) d tell you the news, what s going on, -ust tal& to you. "And ) also found some things li&e you li&e. The strange facts. About things in other %laces. ) thought you d li&e to hear." ) tried to tal& -ust to her. ) tried not to listen to the noise on the feed, the girls in wet shirts offering me sham%oo. ) told her stories. They were only a sentence long, each one of them. That s all ) &new how to find. So ) told her bro&en stories. The little %ieces of bro&en stories ) could find. ) told her what ) could. ) told her that the 7lobal Alliance had issued more warnings about the %ossibility of total war if their demands were not met. ) told her that the *m%eror =ero, from ,ome, had a giant sea built where he could &ee% sea monsters and ha$e na$al battles staged for him. ) told her that there had been rioting in malls all o$er America, and that no one &new why. ) told her that the red( suited Santa Claus we &nowthe regular one.was %o%ulari1ed by the Coca(Cola Com%any in the MDNKs. ) told her that the "hite #ouse had not confirmed or denied re%orts that e3tensi$e bombing had started in ma-or cities in South America. ) told her, "There s an ancient saying in 6a%an, that life is li&e wal&ing from one side of infinite dar&ness to another, on a bridge of dreams. They say that we re all crossing the bridge of dreams together. That there s nothing more than that. 6ust us, on the bridge of dreams." Outside her window, her father was wor&ing in the garden. #e was on his hands and &nees, %ulling out %ieces of grass from where the flowers were. #is feed%ac& glittered in the sun. ) watched him. The s&y was blue o$er him. #e %atted the dirt with his hands. And ) whis%ered, ";iolet. . . ;iolet. There s one story ) ll &ee% telling you. ) ll &ee% telling it.

2ou re the story. ) don t want you to forget. "hen you wa&e u%, ) want you to remember yourself. ) m going to remember. 2ou re still there, as long as ) can remember you. As long as someone &nows you. ) &now you so well, ) could dri$e a simulator. This is the story." And for the first time, ) started crying. ) cried, sitting by her bed, and ) told her the story of us. ")t s about the feed," ) said. ")t s about this meg normal guy, who doesn t thin& about anything until one wac&y day, when he meets a dissident with a heart of gold." ) said, "Set against the bac&dro% of America in its final days, it s the highs%irited story of their lo$e together, it s laugh(out(loud funny, really heartwarming, and a $isual feast." ) %ic&ed u% her hand and held it to my li%s. ) whis%ered to her fingers. "Together, the two cra1y &ids grow, ha$e madca% esca%ades, and learn an im%ortant lesson about lo$e. They learn to resist the feed. ,ated P7(MN. 'or language," ) whis%ered, "and mild se3ual situations." ) sat in her room, by her side, and she stared at the ceiling. ) held her hand. On a screen, her heart was barely beating. ) could see my face, crying, in her blan& eye. ooo Feeling blue? Then dress blue! It2s the $lue-=ean Warehouse2s Final ,ales >vent! ,tock is 1ust !lying o!! the shel$es at rices so low you won2t believe your !eed! >verything must go! >verything must go. >verything must go. >verything must go. >verything must go.