Kill Me, Deadly (1st ed. - 05.12.

10) - killmedeadly9jp
Copyright 2010 Bill Robens
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Cast of Characters
CHARLIE NICKELS, hard-bitten P.I. 30s-40s.
MONA LIVINGSTON, femme fatale. 20s-30s.
IDA, Charlies gal Friday. 30s-50s.
LADY CLAIRMONT, wealthy dowager. 40s-60s.
VERONICA CLAIRMONT, leggy heiress. Early 20s.
CLIVE CLAIRMONT, bookish heir. 20s.
JAIME, Nicaraguan gardener. 20s-40s.
ADRIAN WILSON, English butler. 40s-60s.
LOUIE, lovable thug. 30s-50s.
HENRY, smallish, crazy thug. 30s-50s.
DEWEY, not-too-bright cop #1. 30s-50s.
JONESY, not-too-bright cop #2. 30s-50s.
BUGSY, renowned Hollywood mobster. 40s.
FISTS, shadowy former boxer. 30s.
LADY MARY, crazy Hobo. Any age.
STANLEY, sane Hobo. Any age.
SHIRLEY, imposing tough. Male, 30s-50s.
Character Notes
Other characters include ARTIE SCHOTTS, LAURA-LYNN McCALLISTER, one FEMALE PATRON, two MALE PATRONS, four HOBOS
of any sex, a LIBRARIAN, an MC, and BILLY. These roles can be of
any ageexcept where indicatedand divided up among the actors
playing the principal characters. Doubling and tripling up of the
principals is also encouraged whenever possiblethe original cast
list will give some idea how this can be done. The cast can be as small
as ten if youre creative.

Set
The set and the effects can be as elaborate or as spare as the company desires. Id place more emphasis on props and costumes than
on sets that are unlikely to be perfectly depicted anywayi.e. guns
and suits are easier to duplicate than mansions and LaSalles. The
stark nature of film noir and the heavily descriptive style of the dialogue means much of the set and the environment can be left to the
audiences imagination.
Authors Note
The director is free to stage the show however he or she likes, but it
might be helpful to know some of the staging details of the original
Theatre of NOTE production. A car seat and a large rear window
were permanently set stage-right. When Charlie drove the LaSalle
during the longer monologues, he would pretend to hold a wheel,
while footage of a receding city street was projected onto the window from behind. This car set doubled as the tan Merc Coupe driven by Louie, and which is later discovered straddling the butlers
body. Stage left is the only other permanent set: Charlies office. Ida
resided here, and it was the only part of the stage heavily dressed
throughout as it is always Charlies office, and Ida has a great deal of
business and crime-solving to do on her own. Upstage, center-left,
was positioned a periaktoi with doors. It acted as Charlies door to
his office, the door to Lady Clairmonts house (as well as the wall to
display the diamond), a wall at Tonys Liquor Lounge, a wall of Bugsys office, and the door to Louies apartment, among other things.

Acknowledgments
Kill Me, Deadly was originally produced by Theatre of NOTE,
Hollywood, California. It was produced for NOTE by John Money.
The original cast and creative team were as follows:
CHARLIE NICKELS. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Dean Lemont
MONA LIVINGSTON . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kirsten Vangsness
IDA . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Lynn Odell
LADY CLAIRMONT. . . . . . . . . . . . Kathleen Mary Carthy
VERONICA CLAIRMONT . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Megan Bartle
CLIVE CLAIRMONT. . . . . . . . . . . . . Nicholas S. Williams
JAIME/FISTS/HENRY. . . . . . . . . . . . . Phinneas Kiyomura
ADRIAN WILSON. . . Ezra Buzzington, Trevor H. Olsen
LOUIE/SHIRLEY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Darrett Sanders
JONESY/STANLEY. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Joe Roche
DEWEY/BUGSY . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Keith Allan
LADY MARY / LIBRARIAN /
LAURA-LYNN. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Wendi West
 irector. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kiff Scholl
D
Set Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Davis Campbell
Lighting Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Matt Richter
Video and Projection . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Darrett Sanders
Prop Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Keith Allan
Costume Design . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Kimberly Freed
Scenic Painting . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Scott Siedman
Wig Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . James Freitas
Sound Design. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Adam Phalen
Original Music. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Bill Newlin
Makeup. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Jennifer Aspinall
Fight Choreography. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Caleb Terray
Stage Manager. . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . Carolyn Connolly
Running Crew. . . . . . . . . . . . . Stacy Benjamin, Kelly Egan
Other performers include Jennifer Weaver as MONA LIVINGSTON,
Lucy Griffin as VERONICA CLAIRMONT, Phil Ward as ADRIAN
WILSON, Joe Roche as CLIVE CLAIRMONT, David LM McIntyre
as JONESY/STANLEY and Lorianne Hill as LADY MARY /
LIBRARIAN / LAURA-LYNN.

Acknowledgments (continued)
In the playbill or comparable house program, and in any advertisements, flyers, brochures, press releases and posters in which full
production credits are given, the following credit shall appear on
a separate line beneath the credit accorded the author and director:
Originally Produced by Theatre of NOTE, Hollywood, CA.
Special Thanks
I owe a debt of gratitude to the hard-working and talented artists at
Theatre of NOTE and, of course, to Lynn.

Kill Me, Deadly

by Bill Robens
ACT I
Scene 1
(In blackness haunting, hot jazz plays. Lights come up on several
different scenes in quick succession played out in silence, except
for the music. At the end of each scene, the actors can either exit
or freeze in position on stage. A young girl, VERONICA, puts on
makeup, then loads a gun and places it somewhere sexy. A thug,
HENRY, grabs a terrified man [WILSON] by the lapels, threatening him. He pulls the mans wallet out of his pocket, grabs a wad
of bills then disgustedly throws the wallet in the mans face and
slaps him. A wealthy older woman, LADY CLAIRMONT, sits
on her sofa in front of a large diamond, holding a snifter of cognac.
She hears a noise and quickly draws a pistol. A large man, LOUIE,
sits at a table drinking and crying while looking at a photo of two
people on the beach. A door opens and an unidentifiable woman
[MONA] enters. Clearly, she is dressed to go out, and this disappoints the man. She pauses while the two look at each other. He
tries to say something, but cant. Shes amused by his cowardice,
laughs, and exits the apartment. The man looks at the photo, takes
a swig, and drops his head in shame. As the man cries, CHARLIE
NICKELS enters.)
CHARLIE. L.A.s a funny place. A person can walk from Boyle
Heights to Santa Monica and never see a friendly face until they get
muscled by some cigar-chomping, beet-faced, card-carrying member
of the LAPDs Bum Brigade, grinning at you as you take some brass
knuckles to the sternum and one for good measure in the chops.
(CHARLIE approaches a counter where an older manARTIE
SCHOTTSwith a big grin is working.)
CHARLIE.Then in prison, theyll offer you some coffee. I once got
eggs benedict in the stir. Pretty good too. (To ARTIE:) Fifth of bourbon and a pack of Chesterfields. (To the audience:) You meet some
pretty funny people in a funny place like this. (Gestures to ARTIE:)
There was Artie Schotts for one. Artie was a joker, a real card. He
used to run the liquor store on Franklin and Argyle. Selection wasnt
much, but hed dress the place up nice holidays, and would goose
the nuns who worked the seminary off Beachwood. He also liked to
hack up newsboys, harvest their thumbs and store em in pickle jars.
9

10

Bill Robens
(Lights out on ARTIE.)

CHARLIE. He got the chair last August, and newsboys can hitchhike again, but you still cant buy a jar of pickles anywhere in the
county of Los Angeles. From Long Beach to San Bernardino the
market for pickles just dried up. Lot o characters in this town.
(A sweet-looking old lady, LAURA-LYNN McCALLISTER, enters.)
CHARLIE. Lot o folks who have what you might call quirks. One
such quirky gal, was Laura-Lynn McCallister. She was a nanny with
a talent for making necklaces out of Well, thats a story for another
day.
(Lights out on LAURA-LYNN.)
CHARLIE. Ive been in this racket for some time and I never let
the Laura-Lynn McCallisters or the Artie Schotts get to me. None
of the hopheads or reefermen, palookas or patsies, gats or gunsels
could ever shake what little faith I had left in humanity. It took a real
special someone to make me want to forget who I was or wish I was
someone elseanyone else, anytime other than the here and now.
Anywhere other than Hollywood in 1947.

Scene 2
(CHARLIE walks into his office. IDA is sitting by a checkerboard.)
CHARLIE. It started the way most of these things start: on a Monday. I was having a run of luck in my afternoon checkers game with
my secretary, Ida, when we were rudely interrupted.
(CHARLIE moves one of his pieces to the end of the board.)
CHARLIE. (To IDA:) King me.
IDA. Again? A working girl cant catch a break!
(The phone rings, IDA answers it.)
IDA. Charlie Nickels office. (Pause.) He cant right now. Its too late
in the day to take any calls. Mm hmm. (Sotto voce to CHARLIE:) This
broad wants to speak to you. She says shes rich.
CHARLIE. How rich?
IDA. (To phone:) How rich? (Pause.) That rich, huh? (To CHARLIE:)
She says shes Lady Clairmont.
CHARLIE. Millionaire widow, Lady Clairmont? Ill take the call.

Kill Me, Deadly

11

Scene 3
(As CHARLIE leaves his office for the Clairmont Mansion, he
addresses the audience.)
CHARLIE. Lady Clairmont lived next to the campus at UCLA on
a piece of property so big from a distance you couldnt tell which
was the house and which was the campus. Her front door was wide
enough to fit two Kate Smiths.
(CHARLIE heads to the front door and rings the doorbell. SHIRLEY, house tough, opens it.)
SHIRLEY. Yeah?
CHARLIE. Im here for Lady Clairmont. Shes expecting me.
(SHIRLEY studies CHARLIE.)
SHIRLEY. Were not innersted.
CHARLIE. Look, friend, you got the wrong idea. Ive got an appointment.
SHIRLEY. What for?
CHARLIE. Im the county dog catcher, and the police reported a
stray poodle in the area.
SHIRLEY. Wise guy.
LADY CLAIRMONT. (Offstage:) Who is it, Shirley?
SHIRLEY. Its one o them door-to-door types, Lady Clairmont. You
want I should give im the what-for?
LADY CLAIRMONT. (Offstage:) Let me lay my eyes on him first.
(LADY CLAIRMONT enters, walks to the door and gives
CHARLIE the once-over.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Hmm Whatever hes selling Ill take a
years supply.
CHARLIE. Im Charlie Nickels, Miss Clairmont. You said you wanted to see me.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Yes, of course. Come in. Shirley, take Mr.
Nickels hat and coat.
CHARLIE. By all means, take my hat and coat, Shirley.
(SHIRLEY growls and grudgingly takes Charlies hat and coat.
CHARLIE enters the Mansions living room. It is luxuriously appointed, but the important thing is there is an enormous diamond,
the Bengal Diamond, prominently displayed in a case on the wall.)

12

Bill Robens

LADY CLAIRMONT. Whats your drink, Mr. Nickels?

CHARLIE. Ill have what youre havin.
LADY CLAIRMONT. A flaming gay paree?
CHARLIE. Thatll be fine, thanks.
LADY CLAIRMONT. One umbrella, or two?
CHARLIE. One, please.
(Short pause while she fixes a drink.)
CHARLIE. Nice place you got here.
LADY CLAIRMONT. It better be. Its the largest non-military structure west of the Mississip.
CHARLIE. Not bad.
LADY CLAIRMONT. The propertys rich in history too. The guest
house was built on one ancient Indian burial ground, and the tennis
court was built over a second. Drat the luck! Were out of coconuts.
Make yourself at home, Mr. Nickels, Ill be right back.
(She exits to fetch more coconuts. A lithe 20-year old girl, VERONICA, enters wearing a riding outfit complete with crop and
jodhpurs.)
VERONICA. Mother, I swear this is the last time I ride that lippizaner. If it were up to me
(She sees CHARLIE.)
VERONICA. Youre not mother.
CHARLIE. Say, youre right. You ever think about being a P.I.?
VERONICA. Im Veronica. You must be Charlie Nickels.
CHARLIE. Must I?
VERONICA. They say youre the best private dick in the city.
CHARLIE. Ill have to thank my publicist.
VERONICA. They also say youre a man of low morals and high
ideals.
(VERONICA winces and grabs her hip.)
CHARLIE. Looks like youve got a hitch in your pelvis.
VERONICA. Its the lippizaner I got for Christmas. He gives, but he
wont break.
CHARLIE. Maybe you ride him too hard.

Kill Me, Deadly

13

VERONICA. Maybe hes a big boy who needs to learn a lesson.

CHARLIE. Maybe hes smart enough to teach you a thing or two.
VERONICA. Maybe hes a dumb buck who doesnt know whats
good for him.
CHARLIE. Maybe hell get fed up and knock you on your butt.
VERONICA. Maybe Ill like it.
(LADY CLAIRMONT re-enters.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Coconuts! Coconuts for all! Oh, Veronica, I
see youve met Charlie Nickels.
VERONICA. I was just leaving. Id better feed that lippizaner. You
can join me if you want, Mr. Nickelsthat is if you know anything
about pounding hay.
(She exits sexily. CHARLIE gives one long, low, whistle.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Did you just whistle at my daughter?
CHARLIE. No. So whats this all about, Ms. Clairmont?
LADY CLAIRMONT. Mr. Nickels, as you know Im an obscenely
wealthy woman.
CHARLIE. Yes.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Obscenely.
CHARLIE. Uh-huh.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Really really really
CHARLIE. Get to the point!
LADY CLAIRMONT. Someones trying to kill me.
CHARLIE. How do you know?
LADY CLAIRMONT. Lets call it a mothers intuition. Oh, and
this note.
(She hands him a note. He opens it.)
CHARLIE. Im going to kill you.
LADY CLAIRMONT. What do you think it means?
CHARLIE. Can you think of any reason why someone would want
you dead?
LADY CLAIRMONT. I cant imagine.
(Her son, CLIVE, enters eating out of a jar of peanut butter, and
tries to hustle past the two of them.)

14

Bill Robens

CLIVE. Excuse me.

LADY CLAIRMONT. Clive, arent you going to say hello?
CLIVE. Hello.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Oh, Clive, really! This is my son, Mr. Nickels.
I like to think of him as an idiot savant. Clive, this is Charlie Nickels.
Hell be working for your mother.
CLIVE. Oh, Ive heard of Mr. Nickels. His name frequently appears
in the scandal sheets. Is it true what they say about the prevalence
of marijuana in Hollywood? That its no longer the domain of the
itinerant jazzman?
LADY CLAIRMONT. Please dont bore our guest, Clive, and stand
up straight. And try to walk with some confidence instead of mincing about on those little feet of yours. Did you fire Wilson like I
asked?
CLIVE. Not yet, Mother.
LADY CLAIRMONT. What are you waiting for? You are so craven,
Clive, and lazy. And stupid. I want that man fired immediately. I
will not tolerate a criminal in our midsts.
CLIVE. All he did was make a phone call, Mother.
LADY CLAIRMONT. A personal call while on duty.
CLIVE. He was calling the hospital. He was going into a diabetic
coma because you replaced his insulin with corn syrup.
(CLIVE digs out an enormous scoop of peanut butter and puts it
in his mouth.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. I dont care. It is the principal of the thing.
And get that peanut butter out of your mouth. You know how I hate
it when you eat directly out of the jar.
CLIVE. Beff, buvuv. Bow biff
(He swallows.)
CLIVE. Now if youre quite through, I must return to the library.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Again with those confounded books.
CLIVE. Theyre vital to my studies, mother.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Tired old fops with not a whit of manly vigor
between them. I dont see why you bother. I swear, you grate on me
so, I dont know how I can stand it.
CLIVE. (Screams:) Why wont you leave me alone?

Kill Me, Deadly

15

(CLIVE exits and slams the door. After a slight pause, LADY
CLAIRMONT laughs hysterically.)
CHARLIE. Are you sure you cant think of anyone who would want
you dead?
LADY CLAIRMONT. Me? Nonsense. I have a heart as big as this
menacing, seventy-five thousand square-foot mansion.
(The front door opens and the Clairmont gardener, JAIME, enters.)
JAIME. Miss Clairmont?
LADY CLAIRMONT. Jaime.
JAIME. I have finished the garden by the reflecting pool as you asked.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Good. Now go home. Youre fired.
JAIME. Seora?
LADY CLAIRMONT. Thats right, fired. So you can take your
things and that little hot tamale youve been seen with and clear out.
JAIME. You mean my sister?
LADY CLAIRMONT. And make it quick or Ill have you deported
back to Mexico.
JAIME. But Im from Nicaragua.
LADY CLAIRMONT. You heard me. Either its Mexico or nothing.
JAIME. But why, Seora, why?
LADY CLAIRMONT. Dont think I dont know about the petunias.
JAIME. Petunias, senora?
LADY CLAIRMONT. The other day I saw a man looking just like
you selling my petunias in front of the Angelus Temple in Echo Park.
JAIME. Never, seora!
LADY CLAIRMONT. Your lying demeans us both.
JAIME. But seora, to be dismissed summarily like this and in such
a perfunctory manner? And just one week before completing my
masters thesis?
LADY CLAIRMONT. Jaime, please. I dont speak Mexican and I
cant bear to hear you throttle the English language with such vile
impunity. Shirley, roughly escort Mr. Guttierez from the premises.
SHIRLEY. Cmere, you!
(As JAIME is dragged away:)

16

Bill Robens

JAIME. I will have my revenge, Lady Clairmont. You will pay

for this. And the spirits of my ancestors will mock your soul as it
writhes on the devils pitchfork. Do you hear me, Lady Clairmont?
You will pay! You will pay!
(Door slams.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Now where was I?
CHARLIE. You were describing the size of your heart.
LADY CLAIRMONT. I wont deny a woman of my stature has enemies, Mr. Nickels, but I fear no one.
CHARLIE. What aboutthe Bengal Diamond?
LADY CLAIRMONT. The Bengal Diamond? That old legend? Mr.
Nickels, I think youve been reading too many
(CHARLIE slaps her.)
CHARLIE. Quit the hanky-panky! Dont think I dont know about
the Diamond.
LADY CLAIRMONT. But how could you?
CHARLIE. For startersI can see it. Its right there, behind you.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Where?
(CHARLIE keeps pointing at the diamond, but LADY CLAIRMONT either refuses to look, or doesnt try very hard.)
CHARLIE. There!
LADY CLAIRMONT. Where?
CHARLIE. There!
LADY CLAIRMONT. Where?
CHARLIE. There! In a display case on the wall.
(She finally sees it.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. That? Why that could be anything.
CHARLIE. Sure, it could be anything. But the plaque next to the
display case says its The Bengal Diamond.
LADY CLAIRMONT. All right, Mr. Nickels, I admit it. Thats the
Bengal Diamond: the most expensive diamond in the world.
CHARLIE. I had a feelin.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Do you have any idea what a diamond of that
magnitude is worth, Mr. Nickels?

Kill Me, Deadly

17

CHARLIE. I havent a clue.

(A sense of danger and foreboding overwhelms the stage via the
magic of music and lights.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Have you ever heard of the Jamaican Lunacy?
CHARLIE. I dont believe I have.
LADY CLAIRMONT. The name Jamaican Lunacy derives from the
strange case of the man at the helm of the El Oro del Diablothe
pride of the Spanish Main: one Captain Rodrigo Azabathamo. He
was transporting the diamond from the King of Spain to a planter
in the West Indies, but his lust for the cargo caused him to go so mad
that his gums bled and he lost all his teeth.
CHARLIE. Hmm Sounds kinda like scurvy.
LADY CLAIRMONT. If youre superstitious, perhaps. Determined
to steal the diamond, Azabathamo took up piracy and roamed the
Caribbean for four years before he was captured by the Spanish
Navy. But the captain of the ship who captured Azabathamo also
went insane and stole the diamond, then the next captain who captured the second captain did the same thing and on and on for the
next 150 years before falling into the hands of a Duke Thumbchustle
of Westiptipshire, England in 1772. In 1817 it was given to a Hindi
prince in exchange for the Indian subcontinent, where it languished
for the next 125 years.
(Pause while lights return to normal, and then quickly get scary
again.)
Oh, and its cursed.
(Lights go back to normal.)
CHARLIE. Whered you get it?
LADY CLAIRMONT. From a man who loved me very deeply.
CHARLIE. (Laughs.) Ill bet.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Youre a cynic. Youve never been in love, Mr.
Nickels?
CHARLIE. (Haunted:) Yeah, I was in love once. But never again. Love
is for suckers. (Back to business:) So who was this boyfriend of yours?
LADY CLAIRMONT.(Laughs.) Im not at liberty to say.
CHARLIE.That does it. Mmph!
(CHARLIE hurls his coconut at the other coconuts.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. (Gasp!) The coconuts!

18

Bill Robens

CHARLIE. Stop it! Stop it right now, you hear me? I dont know
what little game youve got cooked up for me, but I aint playin, get
it? Im never been much for games. Sure Ive played my share of Monopoly, but if you take me for a sucker wholl sit by, smiling, while
you fiddle with the dice, move the game pieces around when Im not
looking, and lie about the cost of hotels on Pennsylvania Avenue,
then I dont care if youre willing to trade me the B&O, the Reading AND Marvin Gardens for Park Place, you know why? Cause
dames like you always start the game with Boardwalk. And if you
got Boardwalk and Park Place, then it doesnt matter what cards everyone else is holdingtheyre all Baltic Avenue to you.
(He leaves her and heads towards the door.)
CHARLIE.Shirley, my coat and hat!
(SHIRLEY approaches threateningly.)
SHIRLEY. You better watch your mouth, pal!
CHARLIE. Take that!
SHIRLEY. Poooh!
(CHARLIE punches SHIRLEY in the gut, and takes his hat and
coat.)
CHARLIE. Id give you my card, but I can only afford so many.
(CHARLIE exits, slamming the door as he leaves.)

Scene 4
(CHARLIE addresses the audience on the way back to his car.)
CHARLIE. Lady Clairmont had me pegged as a day-playera patsy,
a stooge. An extra waving palm fronds while she paraded through a
courtyard of Ethiopians and lepers.
(LOUIE, in the shadows or unseen to the audience and behind the
wheel of a 41 Merc coupepronounced koo-payspeeds away
the instant he sees CHARLIE.)
CHARLIE. To add insult to injury, someone in a tan 41 Merc coupe
had been casing the joint. Feeling like a mark, I chose to eschew the
boxing matches and night clubs that consume most of my evenings,
and retire to my apartment in the Alto Nido building on North Ivar.
After a little light reading and a scotch and soda I called it a night,
hoping tomorrow would be better. It wasnt.

Kill Me, Deadly

19

Scene 5
(Charlie enters his office where Ida is sitting on his desk reading a newspaper.)
CHARLIE. Morning, Kid.
IDA. A new record!
CHARLIE. Hows that?
IDA. One meeting and she winds up dead. Usually your clients
dont get killed until youre two weeks into a case. Todays paper.
(She hands him the paper.)
CHARLIE. World-Famous Bengal Diamond stolen! Unlikable
blue-blood, Lady Clairmont, found dead beneath Echo Park Bridge
in fatal diamond heist. Experts estimate the time of death as somewhere between 10pm and 2am. (To himself, but loud enough for IDA to
hear:) Whoever was driving that 41 Merc Coupe must have known
I wouldnt be there to protect her. Now shes playing a harp, while
Im played for a sap.
IDA. Looks like well be working pro bono for a while.
CHARLIE. (Thinks to himself:) Echo Park Bridge Theres been a
Hobo village beneath that bridge for a few years. Maybe its time
someone asked them a few questions.

Scene 6
(CHARLIE quickly drives and then arrives at Echo Park Bridge.
Hobos are kneeling before LADY MARY whos wearing a diamond tiara.)
STANLEY. Your majesty, now that you have been delivered your
crown, you want I should make your announcement?
LADY MARY. Have at it.
STANLEY. Ladies and Gentlepersons of Hoboland, your Queen by
both design right and noblesse oblige, Lady Mary of Echo Park and
parts without.
(Hobos applaud.)
STANLEY. Your highness, have you any instructions for us, your
most loyal, humble and generally disreputable subjects?
LADY MARY. Yes. Tonight I sleep on dry ground. And if you have
any tuna, I could really go for it.

20

Bill Robens
(Hobos laugh and applaud.)

LADY MARY. I am very hungry. I dont know why youre laughing.

(Hobos continue to laugh. CHARLIE enters and his voice
pierces the laughter.)
CHARLIE. Alright, hobos! Cut the racket!
(Hobos are startled.)
HOBO 1. Whos he?
HOBO 2. He dont belong here.
HOBO 1. Outsider.
HOBO 3. Stranger.
HOBO 4. Protect the Queen.
CHARLIE. The names Charlie Nickels. Im a private dick, and Im
here to investigate a murder.
HOBO 1. I dont believe him.
HOBO 2. Outsider.
HOBO 4. Protect the Queen.
CHARLIE. Im not after you, but after those responsible for the killing of Lady Clairmont. I lost a potential client and those dont come
easy.
STANLEY. Oh, we dont know nothin bout no murder, mister.
HOBO 1. Yeah, we jjjust hobos.
CHARLIE. (To STANLEY:) Dont play dumb with me, hobo! If you
dont know anything, then why does that woman have a tiara on
her head?
STANLEY. A tiara?
CHARLIE. Yeah, a tiara. A crown. Its the only thing in sight that
isnt covered in filth.
STANLEY. Butshes our Queen.
CHARLIE. Get outta here! Oomph!
(CHARLIE tosses STANLEY into the lake, splash!)
CHARLIE. You there, Queen. I want answers and I want em quick,
comprende?
LADY MARY. Shall I make it a double?
CHARLIE. Huh?

Kill Me, Deadly

21

LADY MARY. Cats make me sneeze.

CHARLIE. I dont follow yuh.
(Hobos laugh hysterically.)
HOBO 4. (Whispers:) Protect the Queen.
CHARLIE. Listen Lady Hobo, Ive had just about enough out of you!
(A Hobo, FISTS, tries to hide his face from CHARLIE while addressing him from the shadows.)
FISTS. Its no use, mister.
CHARLIE. What?
FISTS. Shes crazy. She dont mean nothin. She just dont know
whats what.
LADY MARY. Id like to redeem this coupon, please.
CHARLIE. Oh. And who are you?
FISTS. I aint no one. I just live beneath this here bridge.
CHARLIE. You look mighty familiar.
FISTS. Oh, not me. I got no friends, no name, nothin.
CHARLIE. Ive seen you somewhere before I just cant place it.
FISTS. Im like the wind mostly. I just drift from place to place, landin nowhere in particulars.
CHARLIE. I DO know you! Youre Fists Johansen! I saw you contend for the flufferweight title at the Olympic Auditorium in 1936.
FISTS. Oh, not me, mister. You must have me confused with someone else.
CHARLIE. You were up against Shins McGraw. Shins was the
champ but you were heavily favored.
FISTS. Oh, I dont much follow the prize fights.
CHARLIE. Youd beaten Shins senseless for five rounds, then in the
sixth you tripped over your own shoelaces, fell on your face and
passed out. A riot broke out that night the LAPD couldnt contain
for three days.
FISTS. OK, you got me. I guess you can see why I
CHARLIE. It was later proved you took money from the Cleveland
Outfit to take a dive.
FISTS. I guess weve all done some things were not too proud of.

22

Bill Robens

CHARLIE. Then you were arrested for running a phony insurance

company that ripped off old people.
FISTS. Like I said, Ive had some real
CHARLIE. Lessee You escaped to Canada to avoid the draft, then
there were those charges that you were running a sweatshop
FISTS. Yeah, I really really feel bad about
CHARLIE. You may or may not have hit your sister in the head with
a rock. That was never verified. You were arrested for running a
puppy-drowning ring. That wont endear you to the kiddies.
FISTS. Again, Im so sorry about all the
CHARLIE. Now here you are. All surefired and cocky. Well that
mob, senior citizen, and dead puppy money isnt gonna help you
much here, will it, tough guy.
FISTS. Nah, I guess Im kind of a loser.
CHARLIE. Alright, then. Tell me everything you know.
FISTS. Well, it was last night around midnight when I heard some
ruckus goin on overhead.
(On the opposite end of the stage, LADY CLAIRMONT addresses SILHOUETTE #1. The silhouette is WILSONs, though the
audience wont know that.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Well, Im here. This had better be good, as Im
missing out on having drinks from some very expensive coconuts.
(Slight pause as we hear some mumbling from SILHOUETTE #1.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Youll be fine. Youre a survivor. Youll land
on your feet.
(Mumble mumble.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Thats not my problem, now is it?
(SILHOUETTE #1 pulls a gun.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Aah! The nerve! If youre going to pull out
that thing, youd better have the guts to use it.
(The menacing silhouette nervously lowers the gun.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Hah! I thought not!
(MONA, also unidentifiable to the audience, enters as Silhouette #2. SILHOUETTE #1 hands the gun to her.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Wait a minute, whos this? I thought you said
you were coming alone!

Kill Me, Deadly

23

(Gunfire!)
LADY CLAIRMONT. You shot me! How dare you!
(#2 wrestles with LADY CLAIRMONT for her diamond, then
proceeds to push her off the bridge.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. (Coughs:) Aah Urgh My diamond! Give
that back! What are you doing? Get away from me, you hear me? Get
away? The bridge? Not the ledge to the bridge? Not the edge of the
ledge to the bridge! Youre not going to push me over! You are! You
are going to push me over! Youre pushing! Im losing balance! Im
about to fall! I I AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
(LADY CLAIRMONT falls off the bridge, splash noise and reenactment ends.)
CHARLIE. Hmm Sounds pretty detailed. Did she really give the
play-by-play like that?
FISTS. I admit it was helpful. Oh, and theres this.
(Fists hands CHARLIE a watch.)
CHARLIE. A watch, huh? (Reads the brand:) Geneva Brothers
Uh Thanks, but I cant really accept this
FISTS. I think its Uh, what do you call it Evidence. I found it
under the bridge by the dead lady and grabbed it before the police
got here.
CHARLIE. Thanks, Fists. You think maybe youll make it back to
the ring someday?
FISTS. Nah. Im too crooked.
CHARLIE. Take care o yourself.
(Starts to exit. STANLEY interrupts:)
STANLEY. Hey, copper! You might act all tough, but this here tiara
we gotll make us all rich as Rockefellers, how do you like that?
CHARLIE. Only if you can get rich off rhinestones.
STANLEY. Huh?
CHARLIE. You dumb rube. Dont you know rich broads like that
only wear fake tiaras when they go out at night? Looks like youre
still a buncha disgusting hobos, after all.

24

Bill Robens
Scene 7
(CHARLIE is driving to Hollywood while hot jazz plays.)

CHARLIE. Feeling satisfied Id made my point with the Hobos, I left

Echo Park for Hollywood to see if the Clairmont butler, Wilson, was
accepting visitors. I drove my 1940 Buick LaSalle south on Vine and
turned a left onto Fountain and up to Wilsons house where the old
chap was already entertaining some company.

Scene 8
(CHARLIE hides in front of the house. WILSON is visible from
inside. MONA reclines and plays Clue, and never has her face to
the audience or to CHARLIE.)
WILSON. (Panicking with a British accent:) The way they taunted
me Manipulated me Twisting every word I was saying until I
swore I was going mad. For three hours those policemen grilled me.
It made no sense! One of them would be very nice to me and offer
me a cigarette, then the other would slam his fists down on the table
and scream at me like I was a common criminal. It was as if they
were playing some elaborate game of good constable/bad constable.
MONA. Im going to say Professor Plum, in the Library with the
Candlestick.
WILSON. Have you heard a word Ive said?
MONA. I swear sometimes you are so boring!
WILSON. How can you play a game at a time like this?
MONA. That does it, Im looking in the envelope myself.
WILSON. Shes dead, her diamond is missing, and were the chief
suspects!
MONA. WE are? (Laughs.) Theres no we. We? Theres only you and you
know it. Im the Woman in Red. Im more of a phantom than a suspect.
(MONA laughs cruelly.)
WILSON. What are you laughing at?
MONA. Do you know if I walked out that door and fed the police the
incriminating evidence theyre looking for, youd be finished? And
I would be with another man, a REAL man, in no time while youre
dangling from a post in San Quentin with your little feet searching
for some support to relieve that crushing sensation in your neck.

Kill Me, Deadly

25

(Laughs some more.)

WILSON. My God, youre evil! You havent the faintest trace of human kindness anywhere in that soulless husk you call your corporeal presence!
MONA. I never called it my corporeal presence. You called it that
because youre British. Youre British and youre weak.
WILSON. Why? Why cant I be done with you, you despicable, cruel
woman?
MONA. Despicable? YouthinkImdespicable?
(MONA begins to cry.)
WILSON. (Laughs sardonically:) What do you take me for? You can
cry all you like, but I shant do your bidding any further. I will never
again trust your black black spirit.
MONA. (Sobbing:) You hate me. (More sobbing:) I dont blame you.
I AM evil. But I try to be good. I really do. But who has time these
days? If only I could everfeelloved.
(Lets loose with the sobbing.)
WILSON. (Relenting:) There there. Im sorry. Youre not evil. I know
Ive been such a bear lately.
MONA. Arent I pretty? I wore this dress just for you and you didnt
even say anything.
WILSON. Well, let me look at it. Why, its lovely! It is!
MONA. Thank you.
WILSON. I cant think of any girl Id rather go on the lamb with
than you.
MONA. Aw, youre sweet.
(Slight pause, maybe they sigh like young loversthenMACHINE
GUN FIRE! Bullets rip through the house. Plates and glass breaking. MONA and WILSON scream a lot, but neither are hit as the
attack was purely a warning. CHARLIE ducks, of course. LOUIE
yells from his careither offstage or from the audienceand holding
a Thompson gun.)
LOUIE. Thats a warning, butler! Pay up or next time youll be paying up but with interest! And by interest I mean bullets. And by
paying up I mean in your skull!
(Car drives off.)
MONA. Oh, Adrian, why wont everyone just leave us alone?

26

Bill Robens
(Police sirens approach.)

MONA. The police! Whatll we do?

WILSON. Hide yourself, my dear. Ill tell them I was polishing my
old revolver when it went off several times.
(Sirens get louder.)
WILSON. Quickly now!
Scene 9
(CHARLIE leaves Wilsons house, and makes his way over to his
office. IDA is already there, surrounded by papers and a magnifying glass, waiting for him.)
CHARLIE. I was too busy dodging bullets to make out the hired
meat with the gat, so I cheesed it before the cops arrived. I checked in
with Ida for a cup of coffee. (To Ida:) You got a new hobby there, Ida?
IDA. Nah. Writing samples. Last night I broke into the Clairmont
Mansion and grabbed some papers from every room in the house to
compare them to the Old Ladys death threats. After several hours
of analysis, Ive concluded the handwriting on those death threats
belongs to none other than Clive Clairmont.
CHARLIE. Good work, doll.
IDA. Oh, and while I was there, I took a look at the tire treads in
front of the housethe ones left by that car that was watching you?
CHARLIE. Uh-huh.
IDA. They were a lateral hash design from Goodyear.
CHARLIE. OK.
IDA. You know, lateral hash?
(CHARLIE doesnt.)
IDA. Its a type of tire that required a high-grade rubber and was
discontinued in 1942 on account of the war. That means that car aint
been driven much in five years. On a hunch I checked some retirement homes in the area and the folks at the Happy Tidings home in
Brentwood had a car stolen from one of their residents two weeks
ago: a 1941 tan Merc coupe.
(CHARLIE fiddles with the Geneva Brothers watch.)
CHARLIE. Well, that takes care of the car.

Kill Me, Deadly

27

IDA. Whats that you got there?

(CHARLIE hands Ida the watch he got from Fists.)
IDA. (Reading watch:) Geneva Brothers. Hmm Sounds fancy.
(IDA walks to the bookshelf and grabs an enormous tome.)
CHARLIE. I found it at the scene in Echo Park.
(IDA sets the book down on Charlies desk and begins flipping
through it.)
IDA. Let me just check the ol jewelry database. Lets see here
(IDA examines the watch while referencing the book.)
Classic 1920s southern French design Stainless clasp withnonelastic binding. D E Here it is!
(She shows what she found to CHARLIE.)
This watch was purchased at Nelsons Pawn Shop on La Brea and
Olympic.
(Something on the watch catches IDAs eye.)
IDA. Dyou see these bloodstains?
CHARLIE. I hadnt noticed.
IDA. I better run some tests and see if I can come up with anything.
CHARLIE. Good thinking, Ida. Youre a treasure. The best in the biz.
IDA. Good enough to join me for the new William Bendix picture at
the Chinese this Thursday?
CHARLIE. Im on a case, baby. You know I got no time for the pictures.
IDA. Always a bridesmaid.
CHARLIE. Ill make it up to you, sweetheart. In the meantime, call
Clive Clairmont for me.

Scene 10
(CHARLIE driving and/or talking over jazz or something while
on his way to Tonys. When he arrives, hell be seated next to
Clive. There is a steady buzz of music, people and activity about
the place.)
CHARLIE. I had Clive meet me at Tonys Liquor Lounge at 1517 Cahuenga Blvd., just north of Sunset, for a little heart-to-heart.

28

Bill Robens

CLIVE. Its true I didnt get along too well with mother; I suspect
youve heard the gossip.
CHARLIE. A little. I know you left her little notes saying you were
going to kill her.
CLIVE. Oh, those. (Laughs.) We so enjoyed ribbing one another.
CHARLIE. And I know that despite all of her wealth and the premature death of your father in a Pennsylvania coal fire, she was notoriously cheap.
CLIVE. It wasnt as bad as all that.
CHARLIE. Shed give you acorns for your birthday. That must have
upset you.
CLIVE. Not particularly.
CHARLIE. They were collected from the acorn tree outside your
house.
CLIVE. Its the thought that counts, Mr. Nickels.
CHARLIE. She wouldnt gather them herself. Shed make you do it.
CLIVE. Well I
CHARLIE. And as an extra touch, just sos you didnt get spoiled,
shed make you give the acorns to charity, didnt she?
CLIVE. Now see here, whats the point of all this?
CHARLIE. Did you kill your mother, Mr. Clairmont?
CLIVE. Of course not! How dare you, sir!
(CHARLIE grabs CLIVE by the collar.)
CHARLIE. Look here, Fontleroy! No one raises their voice to Charlie Nickels, see? I know your mothers murder must have been hard
on you, but it just so happens that with the 50 million semolians you
look to inherit due to your old ladys untimely run-in with the business-end of a Smith and Wesson, youve hit the top of the LAPDs
most likely prep-school flunky to ice their mothers list. So either
you play straight with me, or you keep crackin wise and get yourself fitted for a new pair of striped pajamas, capiche?
CLIVE. Yes. Im sorry, Mr. Nickels, youre right.
(CHARLIE lets go in disgust.)
CLIVE. I apologize if Ive acted untoward.
CHARLIE. Dont worry about it.
(LOUIE and HENRY approach the table.)

Kill Me, Deadly

29

HENRY. I shoulda known it was you makin a rumpus.

CHARLIE. Louie, Henry, I didnt know you two mugs were still
working here.
LOUIE. Look, Charlie, we dont want no trouble.
CHARLIE. No trouble, huh? Thats good because me and my friend
could use a drink.
HENRY. Your moneys no good here.
LOUIE. The boss wont take it, Charlie, you know that.
CHARLIE. Tonys getting mighty particular in his old age.
HENRY. The Boss is always lookin out fer the bum steer.
LOUIE. Your money always comes up counterfeit.
CHARLIE. Tony forgets he owes me one. If it werent for me, hed be
tending gardens in Fulsom instead of running a classy joint like
this.
HENRY. The Boss dont see it that way.
CHARLIE. Just get me a drink. Im parched. Ill take a Manhattan,
and junior here will take a chocolate milk.
CLIVE. No, make that two manhattans. I assure you I can handle
my liquor, Mr. Nickels. Ive been to University.
CHARLIE. Two manhattans, and you better not slip me a Mickey.
This should take care of it.
(CHARLIE hands LOUIE $10 worth of Monopoly money.)
HENRY. Whats the big idea?
LOUIE. Aw, jeez, Charlie, this stuff dont look real to the casual observer. Its got the little choo-choos on the front.
HENRY. It aint even green.
CHARLIE. Just beat it an make with the liquor.
LOUIE. OK, but the Boss aint gonna like this.
HENRY. Wise guy.
(LOUIE and HENRY exit.)
CHARLIE. Now tell me what you know about the Bengal Diamond.
CLIVE. Its the only 300 karat red diamond in the world. Mother got
it as a gift from an Indian Rajah when she saved his life.
CHARLIE. I remember that. Didnt he have a heart attack?

30

Bill Robens

CLIVE. Mother was there on business, when he suffered an attack,

mid-conversation. She rushed to his side and gave him some aspirin. He recovered nearly immediately since it turned out to be heartburn, but he was so convinced that she had saved his life, he insisted
that she take the diamond as his gift. Ironically, he died three days
later from an allergic reaction to aspirin.
CHARLIE. Isnt the diamond supposed to be cursed?
(Lights go down and everything gets real scary.)
CLIVE. Yes, they call it the 95-year curse. Every owner of the diamond going back seven centuries dies in their sleep at the age of 95
or older.
CHARLIE. Spooky.
(Lights back up.)
CLIVE. Despite this horrifying curse, mother insisted on keeping it.
(MONA walks by with a couple drinks on her tray.)
MONA. Your drinks, Gentlemen.
(She hands the drink to CHARLIE.)
CHARLIE. Thanks, doll.
MONA. (To CLIVE:) Will a glass do, young man, or shall I get you
a sippy-cup?
(Hands drink to CLIVE.)
CLIVE. Now see here
CHARLIE. Cool it, junior.
CLIVE. Havent I met you somewhere before?
MONA. I dont know. Was it some place a cheap line like that works?
CLIVE. (To CHARLIE:) I swear I know her from some place.
MONA. I work a lot of clubs in town. The Cabana Club, The Derby
Grove, The Poocamboo, The Death Rattle, and on Wednesdays I play
the vibraphone at Nebakanezers Babylon Hut.
CHARLIE. I saw that show. (To CLIVE:) She did the whole number
with six pounds of bananas on her head. She handled the mallets
like she was carving a turkey.
MONA. I like whacking small metal bars with soft little hammers.
CHARLIE. Hmm That wasnt as dirty as I anticipated.
MONA. Well, stick around. Its lookin to get a whole lot dirtier.

Kill Me, Deadly

31

(We hear a general bustle and an MC makes an announcement.)

MC. (Voice-over:) Ladies and Gentlemen: the dulcet tones of Miss
Mona Livingston!
MONA. If youll excuse me, Id better run. Any requests?
CHARLIE. Yeah. You know Rainbow Dream?
MONA. Does Joe Louis beat guys senseless?
(She heads to the stage and says something under her breath to the
piano player. CLIVE drinks his Manhattan and coughs.)
CLIVE. Goodness, whats in this?
CHARLIE. Nothing youll find at one of your universities.
(Spotlight on MONA in full torch-song mode.)
MONA. This is dedicated to the children of the world who dream
about rainbows.
(She proceeds to sing.)
MONA. (Prelude:)
DREAM ABOUT A RAINBOW
A BRIGHT ENCHANTING RAINBOW
DREAM ABOUT THE CHILDREN WHO DARE
TO DREAM ABOUT A RAINBOW
HIGH UPON A MOUNTAIN
BATHED IN DREAMY SUNLIGHT
THE CHILDREN OF THE MISTY HILLS
ARE SINGING IN THE MOONLIGHT
(Verse:)
SEEK SHELTER IN A RAINBOW DREAM
SING THE CHILDREN OF THE HILLSIDE
THINGS ARE NEER AS BAD AS THEY SEEM
THERE ARE FEW WILD COUGARS FROM WHICH TO HIDE
ALWAYS REACH FOR THE BRIGHTEST STAR
SING THE CHILDREN ON THE HILLSIDE
ALWAYS BELIEVE IN WHO YOU ARE
AND ALWAYS LOOK ON THE BRIGHT SIDE
(Bridge:)
OF LIFE
THERE IS TROUBLE HIDING IN THE WAVES
AND CHOICES YOU MUST MAKE
BUT LIKE THE MIGHTY UNICORN
WHO WEARS A COAT THATS NEWLY SHORN

32

Bill Robens
RIDE THE HIGHEST WAVE INTO THE SUN
(Chorus:)
LIVE THAT RAINBOW DREAM
INTO THE PLACE WHERE CHILDREN PLAY
CROSS THAT RAGING STREAM
OER THE BRIDGE OF HAPPY DAYS
COME ALONG AND JOIN THE WINNING TEAM
YOUR HEART HAS SO MUCH TO SAY
AND SAVE A DREAM FOR ME.
(Everyone applauds. MONA returns to the table.)

MONA. Whatd ya think?

CLIVE. I thought you handled that transition at the end of the prelude quite
MONA. Not you! Him.
CHARLIE. What do you need my opinion for? You dont know me
from Adam.
MONA. I know youre Charlie Nickels.
CHARLIE. Is that so?
MONA. I know youre a private dick, and youve been looking all
over Los Angeles for a lead on the Bengal Diamond case.
CHARLIE. Looks like youre quite the gumshoe yourself. Anything
you can fill me in on?
MONA. Youre a fool, Charlie. Every two-bit hood and snoopy McSnoopkins in Los Angeles has been trying to crack this case. What
makes you think you can do any better?
CHARLIE. Suppose I told you I knew who the killer was?
MONA. Suppose I didnt believe you?
CHARLIE. Suppose that broke me up inside?
MONA. Suppose you went roller skating to forget your troubles?
CHARLIE. Suppose I went roller skating, fell and skinned my knee?
MONA. Suppose I kissed your boo-boo and made it all better?
CHARLIE. Suppose it wasnt my boo-boo you were kissing?
MONA. Hmm
(LOUIE comes running up to the table.)

Kill Me, Deadly

33

LOUIE. Charlie, its Tony! Hes (Sees MONA:) Oh, excuse me, Ms.
Livingston.
MONA. Thats all right, Louie. What is it?
LOUIE. (To CHARLIE:) Its Tony! Hes awful mad about the funny
money eminatin from your table, Charlie. And Ms. Livingston, he
said he was
(Reciting a memorized line:)
fed up with your shenanigans, said you were a no-good tramp,
and if he ever saw your face again hed kill ya, dame or no dame.
I never seen him like this. Yas better amscray. I gotta go. I cant be
seen here.
(LOUIE runs off.)
CHARLIE. Wed better get outta here or next time you sing itll be
through a fat lip.
MONA. Let that big monkey try it!
CHARLIE. I wouldnt push my luck if I were you. Can you get home
alright?
MONA. I dont have a car! I cant drive!
CHARLIE. You can come with us. Cmon!
(CHARLIE grabs MONA and CLIVE and they start to exit.
They work their way through the crowd but stop as they reach the
door. CLIVE turns around to say something to CHARLIE. While
CLIVE speaks, MONA surreptitiously, or not-so-surreptitiously,
stabs CLIVE from behind.)
CLIVE. Mr. Nickels, Ive got it! I know where Ive seen Ms. Livingston before! It was on the night of the murder. I was across the street
from the library when I bumped into her, causing me to drop my
books. I noticed she seemed rather nervous and AAAGGH!!
CHARLIE. Kid, take it easy, its not all that (Sees the knife:) Kid!
(CHARLIE removes the knife from CLIVEs back. A woman
screams. There is a bustle of activity.)
MALE PATRON 1. That boys been stabbed!
FEMALE PATRON. That mans got a knife! Someone stop him!
MALE PATRON 2. Yeah! Someone grab him!
(MONA runs in as if shed been somewhere.)
MONA. Charlie, what happened?

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Bill Robens

CHARLIE. Clives been murdered! Where were you?

MONA. I was talking to someone when a strange man hurled a
knife at me! I was just able to get out of the way.
FEMALE PATRON. Why wont someone stop him?
MALE PATRON 1. Hes right there! Someone should stop him!
MALE PATRON 2. Someone should definitely grab him! Hes just a
couple feet away!
MONA. Charlie, lets get out of here! Someones trying to kill me!
Run, Charlie, run!
CHARLIE. Ill run for now. But no one frames Charlie Nickels, you
hear me? No one.
(He kisses MONA passionately. They exit.)

Scene 11
(CHARLIEs driving home with MONA. During the monologue
hell drive while she rests her head on his shoulder, seeking comfort. Near the end, hell rouse her and lead her into his apartment.)
CHARLIE. Clive Clairmontmurdered. In just 48 hours he went from
neer-do-well to captain of industry to the losing player in a game of
knife-in-the-back paddycake. As for the girl, Mona Livingston, the
moment I saw her I knew that I had to have her. I dont know why.
Maybe it was her gams, or her hair, or her spectacular set of pipes.
Whatever it was, she had a hold on me like a wolverine on a moose.
(They enter Charlies apartment. There are sirens outside.)
CHARLIE. You can sleep in the bedroom. Ill take the couch.
MONA. I cant stay here. I have work in the morning.
CHARLIE. I know its not the Roosevelt, but it should be O.K. for
a high-class dame like yourself. And as for Tonys Liquor Lounge,
consider yourself laid off.
MONA. Well this is entirely uncalled for, and I wont stand for it.
(Gets up to leave.)
CHARLIE. Get away from that door!
MONA. (Refusing:) Harumph!
(CHARLIE grabs her and throws her down on the couch.)

Kill Me, Deadly

35

CHARLIE. Youll stay put and youll like it! You just witnessed a
murder, and I was seen holding the murder weapon. That makes you
an accomplice. And as for Tonys, Id make myself scarce. Whatever
you did to Tony got him mighty steamed, and if you go back there
theyll greet you like you were a giraffe at a vampire convention.
MONA. Oh, Charlie! How could this have happened? And that poor
boy! Why, Charlie, why?
(Sobs.)
CHARLIE. Look, Im sorry you had to get caught up in all this,
but there are about a hundred flatfoots out there dying to get their
hands on yours truly, so well just have to stay put.
(Gets closer.)
MONA. How long do we have to be holed up like this?
CHARLIE. I dont know.
(Slight pause as they come very close to kissing before he releases her.)
MONA. (Chuckles.) Well, Mona, youve really done it this time.
Waitll the gang back in Tulsa hears about this.
CHARLIE. What difference does it make what they hear back home?
MONA. You dont know Mona Livingston. Shes always got a story.
Theres this one she tells about a small-town girl who comes out
to California so she can become a big movie star, only maybe she
doesnt get so big so fast, see, and shes gotta tell the gang back home
something. So she makes up this story that she changed her name
to Lana Turner. Then maybe the gangs not so sure Monas telling
the truth on account o shes a redhead and a little shorter, and this
Mona had to keep writing home asking for money, and Lana Turners pretty rich. And the return address on the envelope said Mona
Livingston and And Oh, Charlie!
(She cries uncontrollably.)
CHARLIE. Its OK, baby.
(She keeps crying.)
CHARLIE. Itll be all right.
(She keeps crying.)
CHARLIE. Now nowOK.
(She keeps crying, he slaps her.)
CHARLIE. Stop it, you hear me? Stop it! You gotta be strong! I dont
care who you are. I dont care if youre Lana Turner in disguise,

36

Bill Robens

or Mona Livingston and broke and unemployed. And I dont care

about your friends, and if youre a joke or not, or if youre the most
unpopular loser from Tulsa, Oklahoma, and you know why?
MONA. (Feebly:) Why?
CHARLIE. Because right now youre with me. And I happen to
think youre a pretty swell kid. (Pause.) Youre trembling.
MONA. Oh I guess Im just nervous. Ive never been so close to a
world-famous detective is all.
CHARLIE. Im not so world-famousonce you get to know me.
(Fireworks, music, smooching, blackout.)

Scene 12
(The next morning, they are having breakfast. A table should be
set serving two.)
MONA. Wow! A complete breakfast, how splendid! They say breakfast is the most important meal of the day, but I never have it. Who
has time these days?
CHARLIE. Hows your eggs, Mona?
MONA. Just perfect. Hard on the outside, soft on the in. And the
orange juice! We owe a lot to oranges when you think about it. They
give us so much and ask for so little in return.
CHARLIE. Hmm
(A knock on the door, and some dramatic music. CHARLIE pulls
his gun.)
MONA. Charlie, who is it?
CHARLIE. I dont know. Youd better hide in the other room.
MONA. What are they gonna
CHARLIE. Hurry!
(MONA exits. More knocks.)
CHARLIE. Who is it?
DEWEY. (Offstage:) Its me, Charlie, Dewey. Open up!
(CHARLIE opens the door. DEWEY and JONESY enter.)
CHARLIE. Hey, fellas. Dewey, Jonesy.
JONESY. Top o the mornin.

Kill Me, Deadly

37

DEWEY. Hiya, Charlie. Smells good. Whatcha got cookin?

CHARLIE. Some breakfast. Cup o joe?
DEWEY. No time, Charlie.
JONESY. Kinda busy.
DEWEY. Yeah, kinda busy, you see, on account o this murder that
took place last night.
CHARLIE. Murder, huh?
DEWEY. Yeah, seems some blueblood got a little get-well card in the
form of a knife.
JONESY. Yeah, only it was in his back. And it didnt make him well
so much as Uh, you know
DEWEY. Dead.
JONESY. Yeah, dead.
DEWEY. So, you wouldnt know anything about that, would you?
CHARLIE. Geez Thats awful. What is this world coming to?
JONESY. In a handbasket, I says.
DEWEY. The victim was one Clive Clairmont, and the whole sordid
affair took place last night at Tonys Liquor Lounge.
JONESY. A place which youve been known to frequent from time
to time.
CHARLIE. Not any more, fellas. In case you havent heard, Tony
and me are on the outs. The only drink Id get served there is a clop
in the chops.
DEWEY. Sure, only we got witnesses sayin they saw someone looking just like you holding the kid in one hand, and a bloody knife in
the other.
JONESY. So you can see why we might want to ask you what happened.
CHARLIE. You boys have been reading too many dime novels. I
wasnt there last night, I was at the office reorganizing my to-do files.
DEWEY. To-do what? Murder a kid?
(Flurry of activity while CHARLIE gets up to punch him.)
CHARLIE. I dont have to take that from you!
JONESY. Easy! Easy!

38

Bill Robens

DEWEY. Let him go, Jonesy! Maybe when we throw him in the cooler
for assaulting a police officer, hell tell us about the murder AND
about that girl he was with.
CHARLIE. What girl? What are you talking about?
DEWEY. You know what Im talking about. That girl you were seen
with last night: Mona Livingston.
JONESY. A real looker.
DEWEY. Yeah. Pretty. Nice pins, nice pipes And she would have
known the victim pretty well since shed been seen chatting up his
sister.
JONESY. Veronica Clairmont.
DEWEY. The singers been dipping her beak with Miss Clairmont,
nightly, at Tonys for the past several weeks. Except for that one night.
JONESY. Yeah, the night of Lady Clairmonts murder little Miss
Clairmont was having a tete a tete with some geezer.
DEWEY. Livingston wasnt there for that.
JONESY. The old man is as yet unidentified, but its curious that
Livingston wasnt at her regular table with Veronica Clairmont the
night the old Lady gets shot and thrown off a bridge.
DEWEY. Funny coincidence, that.
JONESY. But she was seen with you last night.
DEWEY. Was a cocktail waitress at Tonys, then some kid puts a
down payment on a wooden kimono, then shes gone.
CHARLIE. What would I know about some working girl? I dont do
H.R. for Tonys, so you can crack foxy somewhere else.
DEWEY. Yeah? Then why do you got two plates of eggs?
CHARLIE. What are you driving at?
DEWEY. Two plates. You see that, Jonesy?
JONESY. Sure. Eggs, bacon, toast, waffles, French toast, hot tea, coffee, granola Two of each. Breakfast for a king and his queen!
DEWEY. A regular smorgasbord!
CHARLIE. That does it!
(CHARLIE grabs a plate of eggs and throws it towards DEWEY
and JONESY.)
JONESY. Dewey, look out! Eggs!

Kill Me, Deadly

39

CHARLIE. I just want to enjoy my breakfast, see? Maybe, after

working all night at the office, Id like to indulge in a double helping
of breakfast without getting interrupted at 8:30 in the morning by a
couple of slow-witted flatfoots with chips on their shoulders because
theyre stuck on another case that, if they screw up, will be their
twelfth unsolved murder in a row, insuring them a bust back down
to sergeant and a career of rousting railroad bums for extra cash so
they can get a little something for their wives to help them forget
theyre married to the dullest, most pathetic dicks on the force!
JONESY. Hey!
DEWEY. Gee whiz, Charlie, you dont have to get personal.
JONESY. Yeah, were just bantering with you, Charlie.
CHARLIE. Take your banter somewhere else. It bores me.
DEWEY. Were goin. Were goin.
JONESY. Just let us know if you hear anything.
CHARLIE. Youll be lucky if you get a Christmas card.
(Door slams. MONA enters.)
MONA. Are those awful men gone?
CHARLIE. Yeah.
MONA. Oh, thank goodness! Charlie, what would I do without you?
I can always count on you in a crisis. Thats what I like about you.
Youre quick on your feet, and thatll help us if we have to leave town
to get away from the police. Oh, just think how romantic, Charles!
We can move to my cousins place in San Berdoo. You can support us
by working odd jobs. And I can stay home and bake cookies all day.
And maybe some pecan pie! Then, if theres a county fair, we can
CHARLIE. Clam up, will ya!
(CHARLIE throws a plate of eggs at MONA.)
MONA. Charlie, why are you throwing eggs at me?
CHARLIE. Help me, she says. Oh, that poor boy, she says.
MONA. Are you mocking me?
CHARLIE. Tell me about Veronica Clairmont.
MONA. Veronica who?
CHARLIE. You said you were afraid someone was trying to kill
you. You didnt say you were bosom chums with the victims sister.
The same sister who just inherited $100 million.

40

Bill Robens

MONA. Wait. You dont understand!

CHARLIE. Youre involved in this thing deeper than you let on.
How? And dont feed me any more stories about Tulsa and how
lonely you are.
MONA. But Im so lonely.
CHARLIE. What do you know about the Clairmonts?
MONA. Youre right. I deserve your scorn. I am a terrible liar some
times. I know I am. But only because Ive never been so close to
death, and that boy And that knife And I I
(Sobs.)
CHARLIE. Look, Mona, Im not the police. But I cant help you unless you level with me.
MONA. Veronica Clairmont started coming in to Tonys on a regular basis starting about six weeks ago. She intimidated the regulars,
but she seemed very sweet to me and vulnerable.
CHARLIE. Did she talk about her mother much?
MONA. Not really. Funny, though (Thinks.) When she did talk
about her mother shed kinda clench her teeth, and then shed grab
a napkin and tear at it. Then she might absentmindedly claw at the
napkin with a cocktail spear like she was kinda torturing it out of
some pent-up desire for revenge. Funny.
CHARLIE. Who was the older man she was with?
MONA. I dont know. They seemed to be talking about something
very important, and I didnt want to bother them.
CHARLIE. And you never saw Clive before last night?
MONA. No. She always came alone.
CHARLIE. What about the Butler? Did she ever talk about him?
MONA. (Laughs lightly:) A butler? I dont know anything about a butler.
CHARLIE. Did she ever talk about the diamond?
MONA. I swear I never heard of the diamond until it was in all the
papers!
(CHARLIE starts to leave.)
MONA. Where are you going?
CHARLIE. Ive got to get to work.
MONA. Charlie, dont leave me!

Kill Me, Deadly

41

CHARLIE. (Gently:) Itll be OK, sweetheart. You just lay low here for
a while. Help yourself to whatevers in the icebox, and Ill be back
this afternoon.
MONA. Wait! Do you Do you believe me? Its very important that
you do.
CHARLIE. I believe you, baby.
MONA. Do youlove me, Charles?
(He kisses her.)
CHARLIE. Call my office if you need anything.
(He exits.)

Scene 13
(CHARLIE drives a bit, then quickly heads to a pay phone. IDA
will appear in the office.)
CHARLIE. Mona Livingston was as tough to figure out as a jigsaw
puzzle made of soap.
(Picks up a phone.)
Ida! Nickels!
IDA. Charlie Nickels, as I live and breathe. You know youre late.
And if you werent my boss Id fire you.
CHARLIE. Youre a taskmaster, Ida. Listen, I was hoping to stop by
the office
IDA. I wouldnt do that if I were you.
CHARLIE. Whys that?
IDA. Cause a couple o good humor men from Tonys were here this
morning to pay you a visit. I told em you werent gonna be in today,
but they hung around the office for twenty minutes polishing brass
knuckles and playing cats cradle with piano wire.
CHARLIE. Is that so?
IDA. Sos you might want to stick to house calls for a while til the
heat cools off. Oh, and I have a message for you.
CHARLIE. Who is it?
IDA. He didnt say, but hes afraid his life is in danger, and he needs
to see you right away. He lives in La Loma in Chavez Ravine.

42

Bill Robens
Scene 14
(CHARLIE arrives at a small house in a poor neighborhood. The
front door is slightly ajar and from outside we can hear the sounds
of families speaking in Spanish, chickens clucking, cows mooing
and music in the air. JAIME is seated alone in the dark. CHARLIE
knocks on the door and there is a slight pause. He slowly pushes the
door open and sticks his head in, reaching for, but not removing,
the gun in his shoulder holster.)

CHARLIE. Hello? Its Nickels!

JAIME. (Darkly:) Come in, Seor Nickels. Sit down! Sit down, por favor!
(CHARLIE closes the door, and all outside noise immediately stops.)
CHARLIE. Jaime, right?
JAIME. Si. Jaime Guttierez. Lo siento Um Im sorry for the
Cmo se dice Premonitory circumstances.
CHARLIE. Dont mention it.
JAIME. Can I get you some tea? (Darkly:) I have chamomile.
CHARLIE. No thanks, Im in a bit of a hurry.
JAIME. Of course. My life, it seems, may be in danger, so it behooves
us both if this mystery is How you say Resolved expeditiously.
CHARLIE. Yeah, me too. I understand you have some information?
JAIME. S, senor. I was in Echo Park the night of the murder. I was
in front of the Angelus Temple as I am every night selling petunias
to the passersby when I saw Clive Clairmont leaving the library.
(Flashback: Nighttime in front of the library CLIVE is holding
some books and speaking with the LIBRARIAN.)
LIBRARIAN. Good night, Clive.
CLIVE. Thank you, Ms. Hutchinson, for keeping the library open so
late in the evening.
LIBRARIAN. Oh, Clive, youre such a charming boy.
(The door shutsCLIVE walks alone in the dark.)
CLIVE. That went well. I found the Balzac I wanted, and one can
never read too much Chaucer.
(We hear distant gun shots.)
CLIVE. What was that? Was that backfire?
(A voice in the distant screams, then you hear a distant splash.)

Kill Me, Deadly

43

CLIVE. What a harrowing scream! And then that splashing sound!

A woman must have been alarmed by her car backfiring, and then
panicked and threw a bucket of water on her tailpipe. But why
would someone carry a bucket of water in her car? I wonder if they
left the library open.
(MONA entersthough again, its unclear who it is, at least in
theory.)
MONA. Watch it, stupid!
(MONA and CLIVE collide, and his books go flying.)
CLIVE. Pardon me, Madam! But I believe you owe me an apology!
MONA. Out of my way!
CLIVE. My, but youre sweating!
MONA. I said move it!!
(She shoves him, and runs off.)
CLIVE. I wonder where shes going in such a hurry.
(Flashback fades away somehow.)
CHARLIE. And you couldnt make out who the girl was?
JAIME. No, seor. There was just enough to light to see everything
except that.
CHARLIE. Hmm Thanks for the tip, Jaime.
(Gets up to leave.)
CHARLIE. Now, if youll excuse me.
JAIME. Yes, I had better get to work myself. I need to pack my
things. The city is tearing down Chavez Ravine and the paving process is to begin in four days.
CHARLIE. I heard about that. Thats a tough break.
JAIME. Its not so bad. The city says my little home will provide
parking for up to three cars!
CHARLIE. Is it true theyre planning on building a ballpark here?
JAIME. No. Just parking.
(Slight awkward pause.)
CHARLIE. Well, adis!
(CHARLIE exits.)

44

Bill Robens
Scene 15
(CHARLIE drives, then arrives at the Clairmont Mansions backyard, where VERONICA is lounging sexily by the pool.)

CHARLIE. I returned to the Clairmont Mansion, climbed the fence

in the back and got a look at the Mansions yard. It was big. Biggest back yard Id ever seen. There was a menagerie, a botanical
garden, a golf course, a miniature golf course, a livery, a miniature
livery, and a river winding through a manmade forest of pine trees
and stuffed elk until it reached the back of the house where twenty
Greek gods were spitting chlorinated water into a pool the size of
the Rose Bowl. Sunbathing by the pool was a living goddess. One
Veronica Clairmont.
VERONICA. Are you going to say something or are you just going
to stand there watching me put on cocoa butter?
CHARLIE. I was waiting for you to stop, but its taken fifteen minutes. Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
VERONICA. Is this where I get grilled?
CHARLIE. Excuse me?
VERONICA. Isnt that what they call it in your profession, Mr. Nickels? Grilling a suspect?
(VERONICA stands.)
CHARLIE. I suppose
VERONICA. Or are you going to give me the business? I dont
know if I could handle it.
CHARLIE. I think you could.
VERONICA. I might crack under pressure.
CHARLIE. Id like to see that.
VERONICA. Could you tell if I was lying?
CHARLIE. Sure.
VERONICA. Ill bet you have an innate sense of when someone is
Taking you for a ride.
(VERONICA comes in close.)
Is that something they teach you in detective school or do you have
to be born with it?
CHARLIE. I guess Im pretty good at reading lips.
VERONICA. Is that so? Read these.

Kill Me, Deadly

45

(VERONICA leans in and gives him a long, slow, kiss.)

Well? What were they saying?
CHARLIE. Inconclusive. Ill need a follow-up.
(He kisses her.)
VERONICA. Now?
CHARLIE. I think theyre trying to tell me your whereabouts on the
night of your mothers murder.
(VERONICA, shunned, coldly backs away.)
VERONICA. I was training my Lipizzaner, Brutus.
CHARLIE. I saw you that afternoon, and you had just finished riding him. How often do you ride that horse?
VERONICA. For your information, Mr. Nickels, I own six Lipizzaner stallions, three thoroughbreds, two greyhounds and one gamecock. Each one requires several hours of work at all times, day and
night.
CHARLIE. Tell me: how do you tend to all that livestock and still
prowl seedy bars at night?
VERONICA. Seedy bars? What do you
CHARLIE. (Interrupting:) Look, baby, I know youve spent every
evening for the past six weeks throwing back cocktails with the
dead-enders at Tonys Liquor Lounge, so you can peddle your wares
somewhere else, cause Im not buyin.
VERONICA. (Laughs:) Mr. Nickels, where do you get these tawdry
rumors?
CHARLIE. You were there that night, werent you?
VERONICA. I was. After I rode Brutus, at about nine oclock, getting home at three the next morning.
CHARLIE. You werent alone. You were with a man. An older man.
VERONICA. Im always with older men.
CHARLIE. You knew this man intimately. Who was he?
VERONICA. I was with Wilson, our butler. He was in the market
for some tea and sympathy, so I thought Id oblige.
CHARLIE. You make social visits with him often?
VERONICA. Just once beforeat Tonys, two days previous. Hes
been in our family since I was a child. Taught me how to ride horses.
And how to train gamecocks.

46

Bill Robens

CHARLIE. What did you talk about?

VERONICA. Mostly we talked about Mother. You may not know
this, Charlie, but he and my Mother were lovers once. To Mother
it was a fling, but he was desperately in love with her. When he arrived at Tonys that night, he was very upset and very drunk.
CHARLIE. Did he leave with you?
VERONICA. We talked for a couple hours, he made a crude pass at
me, as all men do eventually, then excused himself and went home.
Hes a good man. He knew my father in the First World War.
CHARLIE. They serve together?
VERONICA. Father was a colonel in the army, and Wilson was a
corporal in an English Butler Squadron. After the war he came to
work for us.
CHARLIE. Did you ever notice anything suspicious?
VERONICA. Not particularly. (Suddenly remembers something:) Oh,
he kept a snubnose .45 in the pantry.
CHARLIE. Is that standard issue for Bel Air help?
VERONICA. He only needed it because he had $75,000 in gambling
debts and people were always threatening to kill him.
CHARLIE. Who threatened to kill him?
VERONICA. I dont know. I remember these two thugs used to
come by every few months and break and then re-break his legs.
CHARLIE. Do you know who they were working for?
VERONICA. I heard them threatening him sometimes, but had
trouble making out who sent them. It wassomething Siegel
Bugsy something.
CHARLIE. Hmm That could be anyone.
(VERONICA comes in close.)
VERONICA. Listen, Charlie, I know my unorthodox way of dealing
with the loss of two close family members by sunning myself by the
pool isnt the best way to evoke sympathy But
(CHARLIE puts a finger to her lips, muzzling her.)
CHARLIE. Shh You just keep tanning, sweetheart. Ill find whoever killed Clive and your mother.
(He takes his hand away from her mouth. They share a sexy look.)
SHIRLEY. (Offstage:) Is that Charlie Nickels?

Kill Me, Deadly

47

VERONICA. Oh, my! Shirley!

SHIRLEY. (Offstage:) I told ya what would happen if you showed
your face around here again!
VERONICA. You should get out of here. All these murders have
made him awfully jumpy.
CHARLIE. Ill be back later.
VERONICA. Ill be waiting.
(CHARLIE exits.)

Scene 16
(CHARLIE enters his office. IDA is studying piles of old bar tabs,
and adding machine rolls.)
CHARLIE. Hey, doll!
IDA. Oh, hiya, Charlie.
CHARLIE. Looks like our butler has a little gambling problem.
IDA. Yeah. Seventy-five large.
CHARLIE. Hes in debt to the tune of Yeah.
(CHARLIE notices the papers strewn all over his desk.)
Whats my little bookworm working on now?
IDA. Clues, Charlie?
CHARLIE. Again?
IDA. You know me, Charlie! I love a good snoop!
CHARLIE. What do ya got?
IDA. You know that girl, Mona, you been seein?
CHARLIE. I can tell you right now, thats a dead end sweetheart.
She had nothing to do with this.
IDA. I know the police were looking for her, so I thought Id do a
little following up. You know how Veronica Clairmont and the butler had drinks the night of the murder?
CHARLIE. Yeah, I just found out
IDA. Well I thought it was pretty likely Mona maybe struck up a
friendship with the guy.
CHARLIE. Impossible. She told me herself she never met him.

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Bill Robens

IDA. I wanted to get a precise time the butler was at Tonys, so I

went rummaging through his trash can and found 5 bottles of gin,
4 bottles of sweet vermouth and 4 bottles of Campari as well as several orange twists. You know what that means?
CHARLIE. No, what?
IDA. Hes a negroni man! This afternoon, dressed as Shelly, an androgynous grifter persona I invented whenever I need information,
I was able to sneak into Tonys office, hit Tony in the head with a
blackjack, and rifle through their receipts going back three days.
CHARLIE. Uh-huh.
IDA. And wouldnt you know it? On the night of the murder, between 9:30 and midnight, one tab had seven negronis and three
champagne cocktails.
CHARLIE. Wilson and Veronica.
IDA. That tab was closed out at 12 sharp, but, at the same time, at a
table in the back, a new tab was started that had three negronis and
two wine spritzers. And guess whos shift ended at midnight?
CHARLIE. I dunno.
IDA. Mona Livingston. And two days before? The same thing. And
same 6pm to 12am shift for Mona both nights.
CHARLIE. I dont know Ida, thats pretty circumstantial.
IDA. I thought so too, so I went to the library on a hunch and found
these.
(She hands three books to CHARLIE. He reads them.)
CHARLIE. The Bengal Diamond Memoirs of Lord Thumbchustle, Diamond Collector and Diamond Theft Made Easy. So?
IDA. Those are the only three books in the L.A. Central Library
about the Bengal Diamond and diamond theft, and look who last
checked them out.
CHARLIE. (Opens front cover of one of them:) M. Livingston. Why
that little (To IDA:) Hold my calls. I might be out for a while.
(CHARLIE exits angrily.)

Kill Me, Deadly

49

Scene 17
(Charlies apartment. Monas on the phone.)
MONA. Thats just too bad isnt it. Were all frightened We all get
shot at sometimes. Suck it up and be there at seven oclock sharp or
Ill hunt you down and ring your neck myself!
(CHARLIE enters. MONA slams phone.)
CHARLIE. Anyone I know?
MONA. (Thinking fast:) Phone solicitor.
CHARLIE. You sounded pretty upset.
MONA. I They shouldnt Its just rude, ya know?
CHARLIE. You know what else is rude?
MONA. (Suddenly amused:) Ooh, a riddle, Charlie? I just love word
games! Tell me, Charlie, what else is rude?
CHARLIE. Dames who lie through their teeth to get what they want!
MONA. (Slight pause.) I dont get it. Is this one of those daily jumbles?
CHARLIE. Tell me everything you know about the Clairmonts!
MONA. Who?
CHARLIE. I know for a fact you met the Butler at least twice, so why
did you lie to me?
MONA. Because I I dont think we were properly Um
(Knock on the door.)
CHARLIE. Who is it?
LOUIE. Hey, Charlie Uh Its Louie, can I come in?
CHARLIE. Get outta here, Louie, were busy.
LOUIE. I got orders to bust the door down, Charlie, and Id like to
avoid that, if possible.
CHARLIE. (Opens door:) OK.
LOUIE. Hey, Charlie! I gotta Oh, excuse me, Miss Livingston.
MONA. Its all right, Louie.
LOUIE. I beg your pardon, but Charlie, you gotta come with me.
The Boss says Im to pound on ya, if you dont cooperate.
CHARLIE. You tell Tony if I so much as sneeze, hed better hire a
high-priced attorney.

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Bill Robens

LOUIE. Its not Tony, Charlie. I got other bosses. Im what you call
uh A independent contractor.
CHARLIE. Tell whoever it is Im not home.
LOUIE. Im afraid he insists.
CHARLIE. Buzz off, will ya? Im busy.
LOUIE. I hate to do this Charlie.
(LOUIE pounds him a couple times while MONA screams.)
MONA. Charlie!
LOUIE. You didnt see nothin, Miss Livingston. Lets go, Charlie.
(LOUIE drags CHARLIE off.)

Scene 18
(LOUIE drags a semiconscious CHARLIE through the street to
a car. LOUIE removes a small glass jar from his coat pocket, then
empties a little of the clear fluid inside into a handkerchief.)
LOUIE. Take a whiff o this.
(LOUIE puts the handkerchief up to CHARLIEs nose. He weakly
resists.)
CHARLIE. Hmmph!
(CHARLIE passes out and LOUIE throws him into the back seat
of the car. LOUIE closes the door, and leaves the stage. In quick
succession we hear the drivers door open, close, and then the engine start. The car drives while Charlie has an oddly detailed
dream. Several characters appear within the dreamscape, neither
entering or exiting. The characters lines may be voice-overs, or
not, except for Wilsons non-flashback lines.)
LADY CLAIRMONT. Someones trying to kill me.
VERONICA. They say youre the best private dick in the city.
JAIME. I will have my revenge, Lady Clairmont. You will pay!
LOUIE. Its got the little choo-choos on the front!
LADY CLAIRMONT. The Bengal Diamond? That old legend?
VERONICA. The Bengal Diamond!
JAIME. The Bengal Diamond!
CLIVE. The only 300 karat red diamond in the world.

Kill Me, Deadly

51

LADY CLAIRMONT. Drat the luck! Were out of coconuts!

(Out of the darkness is WILSON, in real time. Hes holding a suitcase, and appears ready to travel somewhere. Though hes in the
darkness, there appears to be ambient light nearby which he is addressing.)
WILSON-REAL TIME. Darling? Is that you?
LADY CLAIRMONT. You shot me! How dare you!
WILSON-REAL TIME. (Nervously:) Im so relieved youre here! I
must admit I was a bit uneasy standing out here alone like this.
CLIVE. They call it the 95-year curse.
LADY CLAIRMONT. Im losing balance! Im about to fall! I I
AAAAAAAHHHHHHH!
WILSON-REAL TIME. Meeting like this in Laurel Canyon At
night.
CLIVE. Havent I met you somewhere before?
WILSON-REAL TIME. Ive closed all my accounts, and tied up all
the loose ends just like you asked.
MONA. I like whacking small metal bars with soft little hammers.
CLIVE. I noticed she seemed rather nervous and AAAGGH!!
MONA. Someones trying to kill me! Run, Charlie, run!
WILSON-REAL TIME. (Laughs:) Why, I could disappear from the
face of the earth forever and no one would even notice!
JONESY. Veronica Clairmont.
DEWEY. Shes been dipping her beak with Miss Clairmont, nightly,
at Tonys for the past several weeks.
VERONICA. My backs the only part of my whole body that doesnt
smell like a pina colada.
DEWEY. Funny coincidence, that.
JONESY. In a handbasket, I says.
WILSON-REAL TIME. Darling, I cant see you!
MONA. I swear I never heard of the diamond until it was in all the
papers!
HOBO 5. Protect the Queen!
VERONICA. He kept a snubnose .45 in the pantry.
WILSON-REAL TIME. Are you alone? Darling?

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Bill Robens
(Headlights shine on him as we hear a car accelerate towards him.
He shields his eyes.)

WILSON-REAL TIME. AAAAAAAAAAHHHHH!!!

(Blackout.)
End of Act I

ACT II
Scene 1
(CHARLIE is tied to a chair in the otherwise well-kept office of
Bugsy Siegel, while BUGSY and LOUIE play cards. BUGSY is a
handsome, charismatic gangster who considers himself something
of a movie star despite his prolific career of beating up and killing
people. He takes every opportunity to study himself in the mirror
and is preening constantly.)
LOUIE. Do you have any sevens?
BUGSY. Natch.
(CHARLIE wakes up and starts coughing like the recently beat-up
often do.)
CHARLIE. If youre selling Fuller Brushes, Im not interested. Ooh
My head.
BUGSY. My associate said you took some convincing last night.
CHARLIE. He made a persuasive argument.
BUGSY. You were mumbling all morning. You mustve had some
crazy dreams bouncin around in that overactive noodle o yours.
CHARLIE. Sure. Dreams.
BUGSY. (To CHARLIE:) Would you like a beer? Or perhaps a raspberry phosphate?
CHARLIE. What do you want from me?
BUGSY. Do you know who I am?
CHARLIE. Why would I? I dont subscribe to Cheap Thug Weekly.
BUGSY. (Laughs:) Louie, work on him.
LOUIE. Tense up your ribs, Charlie.
(Punches follow with the appropriate pooh sounds and groans of
pain from CHARLIE.)
LOUIE. Now clench your jaw.
(Punches in face.)
BUGSY. Too bad yer heads not as smart as your mouth. Louie, untie
him and leave us alone a minute.
LOUIE. Sure thing, Boss.
(LOUIE unties CHARLIE and exits.)

53

54

Bill Robens

BUGSY. (To CHARLIE:) You know who I am.

CHARLIE. Youre Ben Siegel, what of it?
BUGSY. Word is you got a nose for diamonds.
CHARLIE. I dont know what youre talking about.
BUGSY. Look, Nickels, I dont like to sap hard-working stiffs like
you. Its not my nature. The problem is, as a successful businessman,
I gotta get results. Ergothe beatins. (Pause.) What have you heard
about the Bengal Diamond?
CHARLIE. Its a big shiny stone.
BUGSY. (Laughs:) To the uneducated, perhaps. You ever hear of the
Kerala Madness?
CHARLIE. It sounds like I have.
(Lights darken and get spooky.)
BUGSY. The story goes that about a hundred years ago, an Indian
Prince named Dwahili Rafsanmhadi, stole the diamond from his
old man to give to this maiden hed been pinin for. He was on his
way to give the diamond to his true love, when the elephant he was
riding went meshugana, threw him to the ground, stomped on him
and then fed him to some tigers who were watching from the side
of the roadas if the whole thing were a set-up. When the maiden came out to look for him, all that was left of him was his hand,
clutching the diamond.
(Lights back up, slight pause, then lights back down.)
BUGSY. Oh yeah, and its cursed.
(Lights back up again.)
CHARLIE. You sure you want this diamond?
BUGSY. I need this diamond, Nickels. I need the money real bad,
and Ive already extorted all I can from my friends and relations.
CHARLIE. What do you need this money so bad for youre willing
to mess with some cursed rock?
BUGSY. Cause I got a vision, Nickels. I see things. Great things.
CHARLIE. I got an eye doctor I can recommend.
BUGSY. Its been a rough few years for my people, you know that?
CHARLIE. Sure. I read the papers.
BUGSY. Do you know what its like not having a home? Do you
know what that means to a people? Knowing youre not wanted?

Kill Me, Deadly

55

Think of it. Everywhere you go, everyone you turn to treats you
like a stranger. Weve been kicked out of every nation on earth and
forced to wander deserts the world over for centuries but not no
more. In 1948 were establishing a homeland: a safe haven for my
people once and for all. Well run it. Well defend it and from now
on there aint gonna be anyone tellin us what to do.
CHARLIE. Yeah, thats great. So Youre gonna give the diamond
to Israel?
BUGSY. Israel? What are you talkin about? You must be gettin me
confused with someone else.
CHARLIE. Wait. Werent you talking about the Jewish people?
BUGSY. The Jews? No, no, Im talkin about gangsters! And how
they need a homeland! What does that have to do with Oh, I got
it now. OK, in retrospect, I could see how that might have sounded
confusing. Allow me to clarify.
(He pulls down a map of the United States.)
BUGSY. You ever been to Las Vegas, Nevada?
CHARLIE. I think I got a hangnail removed there once.
BUGSY. Not no more! Soon, it will be the entertainment capital of
the world. Charlie Nickels, take a look at the Las Vegas of the future!
(Flips over map of the U.S. to reveal an artists rendering of the
new Las Vegas.)
BUGSY. What do you think?
CHARLIE. Hey, thats a pretty good rendering. (Pauses and looks it
over.) Thats not a volcano, is it?
BUGSY. It sure is. And swimming pools and artificial lakes and
reefs, and a ski resort made out of cotton candyall ringed by a
moat of crocodiles for those who dont pony up the fifty bucks to
enter the town.
CHARLIE. Sounds classy.
BUGSY. All these things you see here: the solid gold ferris wheel,
the Trevi fountain that runs on champagne, the holding tank filled
with performing killer dolphins They all run up quite a bill. And
my investors are just about tapped out.
CHARLIE. Thats why you want that diamond so bad.
BUGSY. I was hoping to purchase it for a song from Lady Clairmont
herself.

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Bill Robens

CHARLIE. How?
BUGSY. With some rather embarrassing information we got about
the Clairmont home-life.
CHARLIE. Blackmail. But with what?
BUGSY. As you may know, wed been taking that Butler they got
there, Wilson, to the woodshed on account o the 75 Gs he owes us.
And if you break a guys legs enough hell tell you all sorts of things.
His love-life, for instance.
CHARLIE. I know all about him and the old lady.
BUGSY. Heh. If it were only that simple.
CHARLIE. Aint it?
BUGSY. Not when theres a kid involved. That butler spent twenty
years slavin away over puff pastries for his own daughter and she
didnt even know.
CHARLIE. (Realizing:) Veronica Clairmont!
BUGSY. After the old man got buried by three-hundred tons of
burning coal back in the 20s, Lady Clairmont looked for a little
comfort in her time of grief and ends up with a kid.
CHARLIE. And shes too much of a blue-blood to ever admit her
butlers the father, so he drowns his sorrows in booze and gambling
while scheming for a way to get back at the woman keeping him
from his own daughter. But if youre so sure Wilson did it and hes
got the diamond, what do you want from me?
BUGSY. Dont you read the papers? The Butlers gone missin!
The last we seen of him was the night we shot up his place with a
Thompson.
CHARLIE. I dont know why hed disappear like that.
BUGSY. If you get me the diamond, Ill give you a percentage of the
Flamingo and make sure the police are off your tracks. This is an
excellent opportunity for you, Mr. Nickels.
(CHARLIE starts to leave.)
CHARLIE. Yeah. I guess opportunity knocks with a punch in the gut.

Kill Me, Deadly

57

Scene 2
(CHARLIE drives back to the Mansion. When he gets there,
SHIRLEY is massaging VERONICA out by the pool.)
CHARLIE. It was all starting to make sense. The dough eyes, the cocoa butter, makin like the damsel in distress when the whole time
she was playin me like a harmonica. Veronica was the one hiding
out with Wilson the night Bugsys men shot up his place. Dont I
look pretty? She says. Whatll we do? She says. All nice and
helpless like a fly in a bowl of tomato soup. Only this flys a black
widow and the soup shes in aint made of tomato pulp and salt, but
a concoction of chicken stock, garlic and dreams of melted gold and
diamond-flavored revenge.
(CHARLIE approaches SHIRLEY and VERONICA.)
CHARLIE. Take a powder! The lady and I need to talk.
SHIRLEY. I dont like your attitude, mister.
CHARLIE. Which part of my attitude you got a problem with? This
part?
(Punches him in the stomach.)
SHIRLEY. Pooh!
CHARLIE. Or this part?
(Punches him in the jawSHIRLEY goes down.)
VERONICA. What is the meaning of this?
CHARLIE. Youre gonna spill it, and youre gonna spill it good, ya
understand?
VERONICA. Whatever are you talking about?
CHARLIE. Look here, schoolgirl. Your smart-talking, big-city mol
in the body of a lithe and innocent world-class polo jockey act might
work with your debutante friends and high-collared snuff addicts,
but if you dont spill it to me straight in the next five minutes Ill have
the LAPD on you faster than a midshipman on a zoot suit.
VERONICA. I swear Ive told you everything I know!
CHARLIE. Tell me about the Butler!
VERONICA. What? Tell you what?
CHARLIE. Tell me!
(Slaps her.)
VERONICA. Charlie, please!

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Bill Robens

CHARLIE. Tell me!

(Slaps her again.)
VERONICA. Charlie!
CHARLIE. Tell me everything about Wilson!
(Slaps again, she whimpers.)
CHARLIE. I want the truth!
(More slapping and whimpering.)
CHARLIE. The truth!
(More slapping.)
VERONICA. I dont know what youre talking about!
CHARLIE. Stop lying about the butler!
(Slap/whimper.)
VERONICA. I dont know anything else!
CHARLIE. Stop it!
(Slap, slap, slap Progressively slowing.)
CHARLIE. You dont
(He slaps her one more time for good measure.)
You dont know what Im talking about do you?
(Shes crying.)
VERONICA. I dont! I dont know why youre doing this, Charlie!
CHARLIE. Theres really nothing else about the Butler you can tell me?
(VERONICA cries softly.)
CHARLIE. Oh Well, I Uh Funny story. Just got back from
Bugsy Siegels place. Hes the guy who the butler owed all that money to And Uh, over the course of the last few months the butler
told Bugsys goons that hethe butler, I meanwas your father.
VERONICA. Wilson?
CHARLIE. Yeah.
VERONICA. Wilsons my father?
CHARLIE. Im awful sorry you had to find out this way. I really
thought you knew already, otherwise I wouldnt have kept slapping
you like that.
VERONICA. Wilson My father.

Kill Me, Deadly

59

CHARLIE. Thats something, isnt it?

VERONICA. So that night, at the club, when he was so sad and distraughtit was over me?
CHARLIE. Thats the looks of it.
VERONICA. All this time Ive never known a father. Im so fortunate weve been given this chance to start anew. Youve given me
quite a gift, Mr. Nickels.
CHARLIE. Dont mention it.
VERONICA. Oh, the things well do! Think of it! A whole lifetime
to catch up on! (Laughs, then sighs sadly.) Poor father! What he must
have gone through. Suffering every day, just to watch over me and
make sure I was brought up right. Well, no more suffering, father.
We will make it right, you and I. We will both finally have what
weve always wanted: you, your place in the world, and I will have
a father.
(DEWEY and JONESY enter.)
DEWEY. Charlie, that you?
CHARLIE. Hope you havent come to arrest me again.
JONESY. Nah, youre off the hook, Charlie, in light of recent developments.
DEWEY. We found that Butler you been lookin for.
VERONICA. Wilson? You found him?
DEWEY. Yeah, you could say that.
CHARLIE. Where is he?
JONESY. Mostly off Laurel Canyon Blvd, just North of Mulholland.
DEWEY. But his brains are sorta scattered all over.
VERONICA. You mean, hes Hes
JONESY. Deadern a doornail.
DEWEY. Brains all scattered.
JONESY. All over.
VERONICA. (Screams:) AAAAAAHHHHH!!!!
(Cries horribly.)
DEWEY. What got into her?
CHARLIE. Look, fellas, you picked a bad time for this.

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Bill Robens

DEWEY. Come with us, Charlie. You gotta take a look at this.
JONESY. What a mess!
(They exit.)

Scene 3
(DEWEY, JONESY, and CHARLIE arrive at the scene in the
hills near Mulholland. The BUTLER is dead, squished, and a beat
up wreck of a car is on him. The car is the tan41 Merc Coupe.
Perhaps all we see is a pair of shoes and a wheel on them.)
DEWEY. There he is.
JONESY. Still dead.
DEWEY. And theres some of his brains.
CHARLIE. (To himself:) This all seems strangely familiar.
(To the others:)
Killed by a 41 Merc Coupe. The same car I saw on the night of the
murder. You find him like this?
DEWEY. Yeah.
CHARLIE. I thought you said it was a suicide.
DEWEY. He drove off the cliff, Charlie.
JONESY. There he is, and theres the car. What else do you need?
CHARLIE. Hes under the car, Jonesy. A guy doesnt have an accident, fall out of the car and have it roll over him.
DEWEY. This one did. We got proof!
JONESY. Yeah. The Butler left a suicide note with all the details.
DEWEY. Thats how come youre no longer a suspect.
JONESY. Its all Jake.
DEWEY. He spells the whole thing out.
JONESY. From A to Zed.
(Hands over note.)
CHARLIE. Dear world, Im killing myself because I cant live with
the guilt any longer. It was I who killed Lady Clairmont and her
son, Clive, for the diamond. Dont bother looking for the Diamond,
however, as Ive hidden it someplace where youll never ever find

Kill Me, Deadly

61

it, so you should give up completely any attempt to recover said

diamond. And if, by chance, you discover any other murders in the
course of looking for the diamond, I committed those too. Goodbye,
cruel world, sincerely, Adrian Wilson.
JONESY. And thats that.
DEWEY. Jake-a-loo.
JONESY. Clears up a lot.
CHARLIE. You really think he wrote this note?
JONESY. Why not?
DEWEY. Its got his John Hancock right there.
CHARLIE. I dont think a sixty-year old man would dot the Is on
his suicide note with little hearts.
JONESY. Hes English.
DEWEY. A guy crazy enough to kill himself is likely to do all sorts
of crazy stuff.
JONESY. And it makes our job easier since we no longer have to
look for that diamond.
DEWEY. That thing could be anywhere.
JONESY. Case closed.
(CHARLIE starts to exit.)
DEWEY. Hey, where you goin?
CHARLIE. To look for the killer!
(CHARLIE exits.)

Scene 4
(CHARLIE enters his office which has taken on the appearance of
a crime lab. On the back wall, there are diagrams of Tonys Liquor
Lounge, and the Clairmont Mansion. Nearby are profiles of the bodies of CLIVE and LADY CLAIRMONT, showing entrance and
exit wounds, time and cause of death and other forensic details. On
Charlies desk are several test tubes filled with blood. IDA is seated
at his desk, dusting for prints on the wheel of the Merc coupe.)
IDA. So glad you could drop by!
CHARLIE. Hey, sweetheart. Looks like the case just got a little
murkier.

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Bill Robens

IDA. You mean Wilson?

CHARLIE. The butler was jus Yeah.
IDA. I just got back myself. My source in the LAPD called a couple
hours ago, so I went to the scene dressed as a cub reporter. Thats
how I got the Merc coupes steering wheel. (Suddenly remembers:)
Ooh! You can have the watch back.
(IDA opens a drawer, removes the watch and hands it to CHARLIE.)
I got the blood type off of it, and its the same as some residual blood
I found on Lady Clairmonts dress. You know the LAPD didnt even
notice the blood on her dress wasnt her own? Tsk tsk. Sloppy sloppy.
(Phone rings, CHARLIE picks it up.)
CHARLIE. Nickels.
(Lights up on MONA on the opposite side of the stage on a public
telephone.)
MONA. Charlie, its me, Mona! I went to see Tony!
CHARLIE. Mona! What are you trying to do, get yourself killed?
MONA. Oh, Charlie, youre right! I dont know what I was thinking!
I went to see Tony to apologize and his men grabbed me and tied me
up. They took me upstairs, but I was able to break loose.
CHARLIE. Where are you?
MONA. Im outside. Im at the phone booth in the alley behind
Tonys, opposite Dinas Junk Shop.
CHARLIE. Hold tight, Im on my way!
MONA. Charlie, someones coming! I can hear him! He sounds awful! He sounds like he might be holding a loaded gun!
CHARLIE. Mona, get away from there!
MONA. (To stranger:) Who are you? What do you want? What are
you doing?
CHARLIE. Mona!
MONA. What is that in your hand? It looks deadly! Dont! Please,
dont!
CHARLIE. Mona!
MONA. AAAAAAAHHHHHH!

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Scene 5
(CHARLIE behind the wheel of his car, rushing to Monas rescue.)
CHARLIE. On the drive to the alley behind Tonys, I may have been
listening to the rebroadcast of NBC Presents Lolita and the Earls
Boogie-Woogie Dance Emporium and Coffee Clatch, but I was
thinking of Mona. I was thinking of what some big ape was doing
to her and it made me so angry that I almost ran the LaSalle into a
traffic light just to get those pictures out of my head. I knew the alley she was talking about, and I hated going back there. It was dark.
Much darker than most Hollywood Alleys. There were streetlights,
but they never seemed to light anything. All they did was make
silhouettes of the fedoras, trenchcoats and cigarettes of the two-bit
toughs seeking anonymity in the dark. From the stale air of the alley, you could sometimes catch the faint breeze of the city beyond its
borders: the smell of conga lines and movie premieres; starlets and
golf caddies; palm trees and big shot movie executives with phones
by the pools. But in a flash that was all gone, and you were in the
lot behind Tonys on Cahuenga and Sunset, where the only sound
you heard was the cruel, steady drip from the gutter over the liquor
store, and the air you breathed was Hollywoods heavier, more common airlaying low to the ground, but rising slowly, steadily, like
a fog above the fetid sink of ruined hopes that drain like millions
of raindrops from a million roof tiles in the Hollywood Hills into a
million alleys just like thisdotting the city, like stars. This was easily the worlds most depressing alley.

Scene 6
(In the alley LOUIE and HENRY are waiting. HENRY is chewing gum.)
LOUIE. Hey, Henry.
HENRY. Yeah?
LOUIE. So you figure them Dodgers can take the pennant?
HENRY. How should I know?
LOUIE. I dont know. I just figured since you ran numbers you had
the inside scoop.
HENRY. You was mistaken.
(Pause.)
LOUIE. Hey, Henry.

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Bill Robens

HENRY. What?
LOUIE. You know that donut shop down on Melrose and Fairfax?
HENRY. Stans?
LOUIE. Yeah, Stans. Well I was down there on Tuesday and, get
this. They added a new donut with the sprinkles on it. Its new and
its got sprinkles.
HENRY. So its got sprinkles.
LOUIE. That gives em six. Six different kinds o donuts. One more.
Just one more is all they need.
(Pause.)
HENRY. For what?
LOUIE. Huh?
HENRY. For what? The donuts. All they need for what?
LOUIE. Oh! For seven. Thatll give em seven donuts, Henry. That
means you can go there every day, all week long, and youll have a
different donut every day. Only they aint open Sundays, so I guess
it would carry into next week! Not bad, huh?
HENRY. What are you getting excited for?
LOUIE. I aint excited.
HENRY. Why we out here anyway?
LOUIE. Cause the Boss says so, Henry.
HENRY. Applesauce.
LOUIE. Its true.
HENRY. Whend you talk to the Boss? Hes been in Catalina all day.
LOUIE. He sent a wire.
HENRY. A wire? I dont remember hearin about no
(A noise as CHARLIE approaches.)
LOUIE. Henry! Comin this way!
HENRY. Well, well! Things are lookin up, aint they, Louie? Its
Charlie Nickels arrivin just in time like he was Santy Claus himself!
LOUIE. Gee, Charlie, you know you shouldnt o come back here.
CHARLIE. I dont want any trouble, Louie. Give me the girl and Ill
be on my way.
HENRY. We aint got no girl, Charlie.

Kill Me, Deadly

65

LOUIE. Nah. No girl.

HENRY. We got you, though, so the evening hasnt been a total loss.
CHARLIE. Where is she? Wheres Mona Livingston?
HENRY. Mona Livingston?
LOUIE. Mona aint here, Charlie.
HENRY. We aint seen that broad in days. Not since you got on
Tonys bad side by icing that kid without his permission.
(LOUIE approaches CHARLIE.)
LOUIE. Lets go, Charlie.
CHARLIE. Back off! Ive had enough of getting pushed around by
the likes of you.
HENRY. Yeah, well were gonna keep pushin so you might want to
come to terms with your situation.
(Pulls a gun.)
Get im, Louie!
LOUIE. I hate to do this, Charlie.
(LOUIE starts punching CHARLIE, but hes ready for it, so he
blocks every other punch or so. LOUIE gets in a good one.)
LOUIE. Im awful sorry about this, Charlie.
(A few more punches and one good one by LOUIE.)
LOUIE. I just feel rotten for you, Charlie, I do, but you know how
the Boss is.
CHARLIE. Hold it! Hold it! Would you hold it, please?
(LOUIE pauses.)
HENRY. What are you doin, Louie? Hes still standin for cryin out
loud! Mix it up, ya pansy!
(LOUIE turns around briefly to explain.)
LOUIE. He asked nice, Henry!
(CHARLIE grabs LOUIE by the coat.)
HENRY. Louie, watch it!
(Super fast, CHARLIE pulls the coat down over LOUIEs arms,
rendering him helpless, then shoves him real hard against HENRY,
causing him to shoot LOUIE in the arm and drop his gun.)
LOUIE. AAARRRGGGHHH!!

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Bill Robens
(LOUIE falls, helpless. CHARLIE grabs the stunned HENRY
and slams his head several times against the brick wall until he
passes out. CHARLIE picks up the gun.)

LOUIE. Argh! My arm, Charlie! I got shot! Jeepers, that smarts!

CHARLIE. Cmere. Let me see it.
(He examines it briefly. Pulls out a handkerchief from Louies coat
pocket, and makes a tourniquet above the gunshot wound on his
arm, slowing the bleeding.)
CHARLIE. Hows that? Snug?
LOUIE. Better, I guess. Kinda tingly.
CHARLIE. Did you get hit anywhere else?
LOUIE. I dont think so.
CHARLIE. Good. Then this shouldnt do any permanent damage.
(CHARLIE punches LOUIE several times in the mouth and a
couple times in the stomach.)
LOUIE. I deserved that.
CHARLIE. What say you, me and your pulpy arm have a little chat?
LOUIE. Sure, Charlie. I feel real bad about what happened. Ill tell
you anything you wanna know.
CHARLIE. First, wheres Mona?
LOUIE. She got away, Charlie.
CHARLIE. From a couple a big guys like yourselves?
LOUIE. Shes very resourceful. You know that.
CHARLIE. Who hired you to grab her?
LOUIE. You know we work for To
CHARLIE. (Punches him.) Dont give me that! The Clairmont case is
closed, so why the hit job?
LOUIE. I dont know what youre talkin about.
CHARLIE. Talk!
(Whacks LOUIE a couple times, LOUIE starts getting dizzy.)
LOUIE. Okay! Okay! I got another boss.
CHARLIE. Bugsy?
LOUIE. Nah. Not for this. Not Bugsy. I Its I just cant Charlie!
CHARLIE. Were staying here all night until you fess up.

Kill Me, Deadly

67

(Punch punch punch, LOUIE gets dizzier.)

LOUIE. I got the jitters, Charlie. I never wanted to hurt nobody too
bad, ya know? But I was told to do one bad thing, and then another
and then. I cant. I just cant.
CHARLIE. Cant what? What cant you do?
LOUIE. I cant tell ya. I want to, but I cant. Ill get killed, and Id like
to avoid that if possible.
(A siren approaches in the background.)
CHARLIE. Well, youre getting killed either way, Louie, so you
might as well come clean.
(Punches LOUIE who coughs and breathes heavy.)
LOUIE. The butler (Coughs.) Charlie I knowthe papers said he
done himself inbut I can tell yait wasnt no suicide. That was my
car, Charlie I did it I didnt do those other murders I swear I
didnt And I didnt want to do this onebut I had no choice.
CHARLIE. Who made you do it, Louie? Who are you working for?
(LOUIE begins to pass out, but as he does, his eyes get real big and
he kinda points towards where someone is approachingthen he
passes out. Coincidentally, MONA enters as the sirens get louder.)
MONA. Charlie!
(CHARLIE gets up and embraces MONA.)
CHARLIE. Mona, are you all right?
MONA. Im good. I heard the shot. Were you hurt?
CHARLIE. Naw, I got out O.K.
MONA. Louie! Is he dead?
CHARLIE. Just sleepin.
MONA. Did he do it, Charlie? Was he the killer this whole time?
CHARLIE. No. Hes just the button man.
MONA. Button Man? What do you mean?
CHARLIE. I mean its his job to take dirty laundry to the cleaners.
MONA. I dont understand.
CHARLIE. Hes a hired gun, get it? A triggerman, a bruno, a dropper, a torpedo, a hatchet man.
MONA. You mean hehurts people for money?

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Bill Robens

CHARLIE. Clear as crystal, baby. Only I gotta find whoevers paying his rent.
MONA. All this killing! Its so awful! Protect me, Charlie! Protect
me, please!
(Sobs.)
CHARLIE. Ill take care of you, sweetheart. But first, I better make
sure nothing happens to that kisser o yours.
MONA. Lay one on me, tough guy.
(Kissing, smooching and then the sirens much louder.)
CHARLIE. What say we keep this conversation going at my place?
MONA. Lets amscray.
Scene 7
(CHARLIE drives MONA, then they arrive at his place.)
CHARLIE. Louies passing out at the moment he was ready to reveal the killer bothered me, but you find in this line of work that
people typically pass out or die just prior to giving you the one piece
of information you need the most. I was relieved Mona was OK. I
think I was starting to love Mona even though I wasnt sure I could
trust her. But why fall in love with a broad you can trust? Thats like
reading a book you already know the ending to.
MONA. Can I fix you a drink, lover?
CHARLIE. Listen, baby. Ive talked to a lot of people over the last
twenty-four hours and I got a couple questions that need answering.
MONA. (Laughing sexily:) My my! Were all business. Ill bite. Whod
you talk to that got you all hot and bothered?
CHARLIE. Veronica Clairmont, for one.
MONA. (Suddenly a little nervous:) That young Clairmont girl? Why,
Charlie, Im liable to get jealous. What does she have that I dont?
CHARLIE. An alibi.
MONA. (Laughs:) Oh, Charlie, you and your monkey-shines! I knew
it the minute I laid eyes on you! Beware of this Charlie Nickels, I
said to myself, hes a joker, this one is. A regular Danny Kaye. Daffy
Ducks got nothing on Mr. Charlie Nick
CHARLIE. (Laughs:) Oh, youre good! You got more change-ups
than Satchel Paige.

Kill Me, Deadly

69

MONA. What have I done except come to you for help? Is it my fault
Veronica Clairmont and the Butler had just broken off a torrid love
affair the night of Lady Clairmonts murder? Oops!
CHARLIE. There was no love affair, Mona, and you know it.
(MONA goes to a table against the wall upon which rests dozens
of origami cranes, and one vase. She proceeds to fold a new crane.)
The Butler was Veronica Clairmonts father, but he was never able
to tell her. Even after several drinks there are some things that are
so tough to say to a person, a fellall break his own heart to pieces
rather than say it. Poor slob.
MONA. I hope Im never alone like that Butler.
CHARLIE. Dont we all.
MONA. I hope I can rely on you, Charles. I know you think Im being silly, and Im sure you dont believe me. I would imagine you
dont believe a word I say, ever, but there have been people in my
lifefriends and familywho have believed what I was saying at
one time or another and I hope youd be included in that group. I
do. I really do.
CHARLIE. What is that youre working on there, Mona?
MONA. Some cranes. Some origami cranes. Three-thousand origami cranes. Placed, one by one, in the shape of a rhombus. Right
next to this crystal vase. (Picks up vase.) This beautiful vase, right
here. Oops!
(MONA drops the vase, it shatters and she screams.)
Im so frightened! Ive been like this for days. You have to help me!
CHARLIE. Take it easy, baby!
MONA. So many people have been hurt and/or killed. I have Tonys
people after me, and the police, and now Im afraid even youve got
me pegged as a killer.
CHARLIE. Im on your side, sweetheart. You just have to trust me.
MONA. I love you, Charlie. I could trust you better if youd tell me
you loved me.
CHARLIE. I cant do it, baby. Ive been hurt too much. I cant take
that chance.
MONA. I dont blame you. I too have known hurt. (Pause.) Why do
you do it, Charlie?
CHARLIE. Do what?

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Bill Robens

MONA. Risk your neck for people who usually wind up getting
killed anyway.
CHARLIE. You ever work in the oil business?
MONA. The oil business?
CHARLIE. You ever see what an oil well does to a man who mistakenly sticks his head over the gushcap of a clogged drill?
MONA. Oh, Charlie!
CHARLIE. I spent eleven years working as an oil executive. A real
big-shot. Its the only business in the world where you have a million dollars laying at your feet and if you have the sense to lean over
and pick it up? Then youre some kind of genius. That is until one
day after a typical three-martini lunch, a nineteen-year old intern
asks if he can see whats wrong with a clogged drill and you tell him
sure kid, knock yourself out. Just dont stick your head over the
gush cap. Seems the kid didnt hear that last part. They shut down
production for two hours while they searched L.A. county for his
head. When it turned up at a church picnic in San Pedro, the pumps
started up again as if nothing had happened.
MONA. Oh, Charlie!
(MONA goes to fix CHARLIE a drink.)
CHARLIE. So I put a shingle on the door that reads Private Detective. So maybe the pays not as good as it once was and maybe I am a
little late some of the time and my clients are always getting killed,
but Ill tell you one thing: at least I can sleep at night.
(MONA hands a drink to CHARLIE and makes sure he drinks it.)
MONA. (Quietly, as if starting to smooch:) You know if you arent careful, a girl could get the idea that youre a pretty swell Joe.
(CHARLIE takes a gulp and sets the drink aside.)
CHARLIE. I guess Ill have to take that chance.
(They kiss. After a moment, CHARLIE pulls away and begins to
stagger about.)
MONA. Whats wrong, Charlie?
CHARLIE. Nothin Ijust got a headache is all.
MONA. It must be all the excitement.
(CHARLIE drops his glass as his stagger increases.)
CHARLIE. Sure. Maybe if I just take a load off.

Kill Me, Deadly

71

(CHARLIE staggers some more, then falls face down on the couch.
MONA approaches CHARLIE gingerly.)
MONA. Charlie?
(MONA pokes CHARLIE to make sure hes asleep. Convinced,
she removes a small piece of paper from her purse, writes a message
on it and places the note in Charlies breast pocket, then quietly
exits.)

Scene 8
(Lights change and MONAs gone. CHARLIE tries to rouse himself from his stupor.)
CHARLIE. Whatever she put in my drink must have been pretty
strong. When I woke up my head hurt as bad as if someone had
shrunk Joe Louis and Max Schmeling, stuck them in my brain and
told them to have it out. Winner gets to leave my brain. Loser gets to
go bowling, but in my brain. She was nice enough to write a goodbye note on the back of a receipt telling me she loved me and she
didnt know when shed see me again. (Looks at the note carefully:)
Hmm Thats funny. Who else do I know dots their Is with little
hearts?
(CHARLIE is about to exit when the phone rings. He answers it.
We cant hear the voice on the other end.)
CHARLIE. Nickels. (Pause.) What? Who is this? (Pause.) 111 South
Grand? Thats on Bunker Hill. Hello? Hello?
(CHARLIE taps the hook switch several times. To himself, ominously:)
Bunker Hill.

Scene 9
(CHARLIE drives to Bunker Hill and narrates.)
CHARLIE. Bunker Hill used to be a nice neighborhood right
around the time the Pilgrims landed on Plymouth rock. Since then
its been known as Bumtown, Crumbtown, Dudtown, Crudtown
and Schnooktown. Row after row of painted lady flophouses, holding every type of criminal element known to the LAPD rap sheet.
Ive had eight partners since I became a P.I., and seven of them were
shot to death. All of them on Bunker Hill.

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Bill Robens
Scene 10
(CHARLIE gets out of the car and heads up to the front door. The
door is slightly ajar, so he pulls his gun and gently pushes the door
open to reveal a room in shadows. A turntable is quietly playing
Benny Goodman. CHARLIE takes in the surroundings. The front
parlor is a mess. Around the room are several pictures of ducks,
some models of ducks, and a couple stuffed ducks. Theres also
a portrait of Louie and Mona at Laguna Beach, but CHARLIE
wont notice this. On the floor on the far edge of the room is a pool
of blood. CHARLIE crosses the room, sees the blood and briefly
follows its trail to LOUIE, lying dead on the floor.)

HENRY. Hiya, Charlie.

(HENRY emerges from the shadows. CHARLIE turns with his
gun.)
HENRY. Why so jumpy, Nickels? He aint gonna hurt ya. Not now.
(CHARLIE puts his gun away.)
CHARLIE. Henry Lumpkus! Were you in on this?
HENRY. I didnt do nothin! He was late to work today, and if theres
one thing you can say about Louie Shorts its that hes punctual. Ever
since that Okie came out here, there aint a lunch date, a meetin
or an orientation hes been five minutes late for. Henry, hed say,
You should always treat someone elses time as valuably as you
treat your own. So I knew when he was late to work for the first
time in ten years he was probably dead.
CHARLIE. Whyd you call me out here?
HENRY. It aint right to let your partner get rubbed out without who
done it gettin whats theirs.
CHARLIE. How do you know I didnt do it?
HENRY. If you wanted Louie nixed, you woulda put him on ice last
night.
CHARLIE. Louie worked for Bugsy. Maybe Louie gets a taste for
diamonds, and Bugsy gets wise to Louie and has him silenced.
HENRY. I dont think Bugsys in the position to be makin executive
decisions about nobody.
CHARLIE. What do you mean?
HENRY. Didnt ya hear? Bugsy Siegel was found dead this mornin.
I guess someone decided he wasnt cut out for hotel management.

Kill Me, Deadly

73

CHARLIE. Sometimes bad things happen to bad people.

HENRY. Besides, Louie wasnt lookin for rocks. He couldnt find a
clown at a circus.
CHARLIE. He must have been up to something. A bear doesnt get
stung unless hes found some honey.
HENRY. Louie followed orders. He dont dance unless the bandleader gives him an 8-count?
CHARLIE. Tonys the bandleader. He played Henry like a French
horn.
HENRY. Tonys in Catalina. I wouldve known if he sent over any
sheet music.
CHARLIE. Maybe Louie was killed in a robbery gone bad.
HENRY. Anyone who hit this place is the only crook who dont like
to steal money or possessions, cause nothins been touched. Not his
wallet, not his collection o ducks. Nothin. Not even that nice watch
he just got.
CHARLIE. Watch, what watch?
HENRY. This one right here.
(Points to a watch on Louies wrist.)
CHARLIE. (Reads the band:) Geneva Brothers. Wait a minute
(Reaches into his pocket.)
CHARLIE. I had a note written to me on the back of a receipt just
the other day that read
(CHARLIE looks at the note, flips it over, reads it and exits.)
HENRY. Hey! Where you goin?
Scene 11
(CHARLIE narrates while he drives and then visits Nelsons.
When he reaches Nelsons hell deliver his monologue while he and
Billy enact the events.)
CHARLIE. Louied been silenced all right. Silenced but good. He
wasnt killed for money, or comeuppance, but for whatever he had
spinning around in that noodle of his: damning evidence of whoever killed Lady Clairmont, Clive Clairmont and Adrian Wilson. I had
a good hunch who it was but I was hoping to be proved wrong. Was
I a chump? Maybe. A sucker? Sure. I? Perhaps. Did I have a stubborn

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Bill Robens

faith in things I could neither see nor prove? In all likelihood. Was
I the first mate on the Ship of Fools pulling into Face the Facts Harbor? Aye, matey. But before I could give up my pipe dreams, I paid a
visit to Nelsons Jewelry and Pawnshop. I asked Billy, the boy at the
front, if he remembered selling a couple of Geneva Brothers watches
to a certain someone. He did. Then he showed me a little thank-you
note from the purchaser of said watches.
(CHARLIE makes a call from a phone booth. There is a lot of big
city ambient sound that CHARLIE and Ida have to yell over.
There is the distant sound of a train getting closer. IDA picks up
on the other end.)
CHARLIE. Ida? Nickels!
IDA. Charlie, Im glad you called!
CHARLIE. Did you get any results
IDA. I crossed-checked the fingerprints and blood type on the
watch with the security records from Tonys. You know how Tonys
has the strictest background checks in town on account of all the
murders they keep havin?
CHARLIE. Yeah.
IDA. Anyway, I got the results.
CHARLIE. And?
IDA. You aint gonna like it, Charlie. The murderer of Lady Clairmont is
(IDA mouths something but her words are drowned out by the
train which is now passing CHARLIE, complete with the dingding-ding of the crossing gate. CHARLIE, however, can hear what
she says and displays the appropriate shocked and horrified expression.)

Scene 12
(MONA is standing by the bar in her apartment, nervously drinking a scotch and soda. She is wearing a wrap over her shoulders and
covering her neckline. Next to the door are two suitcases. Theres a
knock on the door. MONA grabs the suitcases, and answers it. She
is shocked to see CHARLIE standing in front of her.)
MONA. Charlie!
(CHARLIE looks at her and suitcases and walks past her.)

Kill Me, Deadly

75

CHARLIE. Going somewhere, Mona?

MONA. Um No.
CHARLIE. Why the suitcases?
(Pause.)
MONA. I always keep them there.
CHARLIE. Strange. Whys that?
MONA. Earthquakes.
(CHARLIE closes the door.)
CHARLIE. If you were waiting for a cab to take you to the train station, you can forget it. One pulled up in front of the building and I
told him to take a powder.
(MONA laughs a little too much.)
MONA. Oh, Charlie! Your sense of humor has such a way of putting
a girl at ease! Ive been on edge all day. The police were here. I didnt
know what to think. Its that boy across the way. He hates me, you
know. Im sure youve noticed so many people hate me. Listen to me
being pitiful. Forgive me, Charles. I know Ive been so very troublesome. I dont know how you can stand it.
(CHARLIE tosses the Geneva Brothers watch on the table, or
whatevers convenient.)
MONA. (Feigning ignorance:) Whats this?
CHARLIE. Oh, just a little something I picked up at Nelsons.
MONA. A gift, Charles? Im surprised at you, I never figured you
for the type who
(CHARLIE grabs her and turns her around.)
CHARLIE. Now, cut the rhubarb! Thats your watch and you know it.
MONA. Whatever do you
CHARLIE. I found that in Echo Park. The night after Lady Clairmont was killed. Its got more of your fingerprints on it than a
Well it had a lot of fingerprints.
MONA. Thats imposs
CHARLIE. And wrist prints. Blood stains too that match your type.
I also noticed this.
(He throws the note/receipt onto the same table.)

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Bill Robens

CHARLIE. This little memo you passed me the other day happened
to be a receipt from Nelsons. Fella at the place says he sold the watch
to a dame. He couldnt remember what color her hair was, but he
knew trouble when he saw it.
MONA. Why, Charlie, are you going to take the word of some boy?
CHARLIE. Howd you know it was a boy, Mona?
MONA. But You
CHARLIE. And if that wasnt enough, you left this note.
(Pulls out a small piece of paper from his coat pocket.)
CHARLIE. Thanks for the watch, Billy, its perfect to wear while
committing murder, love, Mona.
MONA. But, Charlie, I swear Ive never heard of this Billy person
in my life!
CHARLIE. Dont play dumb with me, Mona, it makes your neck
look fat.
MONA. All right, I admit it! I bought the watch, but I never killed
that girl! Youve got to listen to me. I know Im not perfect. I know
Im a liar, Ill always be a liar. I lie about everything, all the time,
constantly. I lie so much, even I dont know when Im telling the
truth. But regardless of my extensive past history of lying, and of
the many lies I will tell in the future, you have to believe me this one
time when I tell you I had nothing to do with the tragic shooting of
Lady Clairmont.
CHARLIE. Howd you know she was shot?
MONA. I didnt. I guessed it.
CHARLIE. Hmm
MONA. Oh, Charles, Im frightened! Protect me, will you? Its funny
I should ask you for helpthe one man who wants to condemn me,
but Im not afraid of you, for some reason. Im afraid of those other
menthose policemen. Im afraid what those men will do to me if
they were to think I was the one responsible for that ghastly murder.
(She draws him near.)
MONA. You will protect me, wont you Charlie? Youre so very
strong and Andpalpable.
(CHARLIE pushes her away and slaps her.)
CHARLIE. Stop it!

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