FAMILIES AND

RELATIONSHIPS

Communicating Effectively with Children

C
hildren base their views of themselves and the world Use a sing-song, high-pitched tone of voice,
on their daily experiences. One of the most exaggerated facial expressions and wide-open eyes
important experiences adults can provide for when interacting with young infants. These types of
children is to talk and listen to them. Through these daily behavior capture infants attention and help them to
interactions, children and adults can develop relationships keep focused on interacting.
that help children learn about themselves and the world. Make the most of the times when you and an infant
Adults who care for children have a responsibility to create are facing each other (e.g., during diaper changes,
and maintain positive and healthy relationships with them. feedings, mealtimes) and talk, sing or gently tickle the
One of the most practical and mutually rewarding ways to infant. Infants are fascinated by adult faces and love to
achieve this goal is through positive communication. look at them when they are close.
Research suggests that the best parent-child relationships Pay attention to an infants style of expressing
are characterized by positive communication and emotions, preferred level of activity and tendency
interaction. Parents and children with a healthy relationship to be social. Some infants are quiet, observant and
communicate on a regular basis about many different prefer infrequent adult interaction. Other infants are
things, not just when there is a conflict. Researchers believe emotional, active and seek continuous adult attention
that when adults stay in touch with children through and interaction. Recognizing each infants unique
attention and conversation, children might be less likely personality will make effective communication easier.
to act out or behave in ways that create conflict or require
discipline. Toddlers: 12 to 36 months
Toddlers communicate with a combination of gestures
and grunts, one- and two-word sentences, positive and
Communicating with children negative emotional expressions, and body movements.
of different ages Recognize these signs and encourage the toddlers efforts at
Effective communication with children requires styles communication:
and behavior appropriate to the childs age. Rewarding Respond quickly and predictably to toddlers
interactions with children require an understanding of how communicative efforts (e.g., You are pointing at
children of different ages communicate and what they like the fridge; is it time for some juice? Bah-bah, that
to talk about. Adults must communicate in a way that relates means you want your blanket, doesnt it?).
to the age and interests of the child. Expand on toddlers one- and two-word
communications, and build sentences around their
Infants: birth to 12 months words (e.g., Hot, thats right, the pizza is hot. Blue,
Infants communicate with coos, gurgles and grunts, your pants are blue with white stripes, arent they?
facial expressions, cries, body movements like cuddling or Do again? Okay, Ill push you some more on the
back arching, eye movements, and arm and leg movements. swing.).
Recognize these signs and encourage the infants efforts at Keep a word diary in which you record toddlers new
communication: words. Share the diary with other adults so they will
Quickly respond to infant communication (e.g., use the words in conversations with the toddler.
comfort a crying baby, smile at a smiling infant, relax Give toddlers one direction at a time, and provide
if a baby turns her head to the side). warnings before transitions (e.g., Were going to
Provide meaning for infants communicative efforts leave for grandmas house in five minutes. Five
(e.g., You are crying, so I know it is time for your minutes pass. Okay, time to get ready, go get your
bottle. You are smiling; you like it when I tickle your coat from the bedroom.).
feet!). Label toddlers emotions (e.g., When you fall and get
hurt, you feel sad. Playing with your cousin Mary
makes you happy!).
Reviewed by Make the most of daily routines and talk toddlers
Sarah Traub, Regional Specialist, Human Development and Family through the sequence in which they happen (e.g.,
Science

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 First we put warm water in the bathtub. Then you the environment which include words that they can
take off your clothes and get in!). read)
During play with toddlers, follow their lead and let When preschoolers are talking to themselves, let
them create the play. Describe for toddlers what they them be. Self-talk helps preschoolers focus on what
are doing during play and let them have control (e.g., they are doing.
Oh, you are driving the car up the sofa, now it is
falling to the floor! Here comes the truck to take the School-age: 6 to 12 years
car to the garage.). School-age children talk in full sentences. Much like
When telling older toddlers what you want, explain adults, they ask more questions, relate past experiences in
to the toddler why you want something to happen vivid detail and seek more information and justification for
(e.g., Janey, I told you to please pick up your blocks the way things are.
and put them away. I dont want anyone tripping and They can understand and talk about another persons
falling over them.). perspective and are beginning to recognize the influence
their behavior can have on others. School-age children
Preschoolers: 3 to 6 years can handle more pieces of information at once and can
Preschoolers begin to talk in full sentences that are effectively engage in goal setting and problem-solving with
grammatically correct. Young preschoolers might struggle assistance from adults.
with telling stories in the correct order, but sequencing the At this age, children spend more time talking and
events of a story comes much more easily by age 6. playing with peers and friends. Recognize these signs and
Preschoolers like to talk about their past experiences. encourage the childs efforts at communication:
They experiment with pretend and fantasy play, and they Keep up with school-age childrens activities, likes,
sometimes talk about imaginary experiences. dislikes and peer relationships by talking to them.
At this age, children begin to recognize the connection Peers are important at this stage, and adults can keep
between the spoken and written word. They often informed about their childrens relationships by
recognize traffic signs and restaurant signs without being talking regularly with children.
told what they literally say. Help school-age children set goals and solve problems
Preschoolers often talk to themselves when playing (If you have to go to Girl Scouts this afternoon, lets
and working on tasks such as puzzles or art activities. talk about when you can do your homework.). Take
Recognize these signs and encourage the childs efforts at time to discuss strategies and solutions, and have the
communication: child talk about possible outcomes.
Ask preschoolers questions about past events; When correcting behavior, provide a calm
probe for details and provide new words to enhance explanation for your preferences. Giving a reason
description of experiences. (e.g., Who did you play helps children understand the implications of their
with today? What did you do together?) behavior for others (e.g., if your child teases another
Encourage preschoolers to talk about their feelings child because they wear glasses, explain that wearing
both positive and negative and discuss the possible glasses helps the child to see better and remind them
causes for those emotions. that teasing can hurt anothers feelings).
Create opportunities for preschoolers to engage Encourage children to talk about their feelings and
in fantasy and pretend play, either alone or with the possible reasons for their emotions.
friends. (e.g., pretend baby bathing, housekeeping or Help children learn conflict management skills.
astronaut play) Peer relationships are becoming more important
Provide opportunities for preschoolers to experience at this age, so conflicts between children will likely
the connection between the spoken word and the arise. Help children learn how to manage conflicts
written word. (e.g., label familiar parts of the physical effectively while preserving the peer relationship. Act
environment, have children tell you stories and write out pretend peer interactions with children to show
them down, allow children to write their own stories how conflicts can be resolved, depending on how
or thank you notes, have children collect items from children handle the situation.

Encourage family stories

Children love to hear and to tell stories. Adults can encourage children and parents to share their family stories.
Storytelling is a universal way for families to pass down important history from generation to generation. From
hearing family stories, children learn about their family identity as well as the beliefs and expectations that make their
family unique. These experiences encourage children to use their imagination to create visual images of relatives from
long ago and far away. Storytelling also brings adults and children closer together and creates a wonderful opportunity
for intimacy and relationship building. Ask the children and families you care about to share some of their stories.
(Taken from: Stone, E. 1988. Black sheep and kissing cousins: How our family stories shape us. New York: Penguin Books)

gh6123 page 2 University of Missouri Extension

Adolescents: 12 to 18 years social and physical changes; practice putting yourself
Adolescents are interested in talking in-depth about in their place when you find yourself disagreeing or
themselves and about their relationships with others. They growing impatient.
want to understand who they are becoming and what others Use conversation as an opportunity to keep up with
think and feel about them. Children at this age want to talk adolescent activities and relationships. Stay interested,
about how they are different from their parents, and they and gently ask questions and seek explanations for
are beginning to recognize that their parents are imperfect their behavior.
people. Although adolescents strive for independence and
Adolescence is a time when children typically act more separation from the family, you can best maintain
negative and have more conflicts with their parents, and the relationship by providing a balance between
they spend more time alone and with their friends and expecting personal responsibility from them and
less time with their families. Recognize these signs and offering consistent support.
encourage adolescents efforts at communication: Be flexible. Seek to understand the adolescent
Be sensitive and responsive to the adolescent perspective first before trying to be understood
experience. Each adolescent is going through major yourself. Maintaining the adult-child relationship is

Be an emotion coach
Parents should help children understand their feelings. In doing so, adults can develop an emotional bond important
for establishing and maintaining mutual respect. Effective emotion coaching helps children understand the emotional
ups and downs of life. Research finds that children who grow up in families that spend time talking about emotions
are more academically successful, have better friendships, fewer infectious diseases and can handle difficult social
situations more effectively than children whose families do not talk about feelings. Here are some ideas for how adults
can help children better understand their emotions:
Observe and take note of children's emotions.
Recognize that children's emotional expressions provide an opportunity for bonding. Make the most of these
teachable moments.
Listen and respond to children's emotions with empathy; tell them that you understand their feelings.
Help children label their different emotions.
Set limits while helping children problem-solve the emotional experience.

Example
When you pick up your 8-year-old daughter from after-school care, she has a bright smile on her face. What can you
say and do?
Parent: Honey, you have a huge smile on your face! Tell me why.
Child: Today when we were jumping rope, I did the whole thing without messing up!
Parent: You must feel so happy and proud of yourself! I know how much you like to jump rope and how hard you
work at it.
Child: Yeah, and today I tried extra hard to do it without messing up and it worked!
Parent: That's great, sweetheart.

Example
Your 7-year-old son comes home from playing next door and looks sullen and glum. In fact, when he gets in the
door, he throws his coat on the floor without hanging it up. What can you say and do?
Parent: Nate, what's going on? You always remember to hang up your coat. Did something happen at Stuart's?
Child: I hate him! I'm not playing over there anymore.
Parent: You sound really angry. What happened?
Child: Stuart never lets me play with his new train.
Parent: Why do you think that is?
Child: I don't know. He says I'll break it.
Parent: Well, I can understand why you are mad, but you know Stuart just got the train for his birthday last month.
He's probably scared to let anybody else use it. What do you think you can do to let him know you'll be careful with it?
Child: I don't know.
Parent: Well, instead of getting angry, maybe you could tell him that you understand why he is being careful and
ask him to show you exactly what he wants you to do. Let him know that you'll be careful. If he says no, you might just
have to wait longer, but at least you tried.
Child: Yeah, I know.

gh6123 page 3 University of Missouri Extension

 perhaps the most helpful thing you can do to support Make the most of communication
the adolescent through these years. Few activities in life come with so great a reward as
Recognize that they are developing ideas that might communicating effectively with one another. The ideas
differ from your own. Unless these ideas place in this guide can help you develop healthy and mutually
the adolescent in danger of harm to self or others, rewarding adult-child relationships. The world can be
accept their beliefs as an example of their developing overwhelming for children. By paying attention to and
individuality. communicating regularly with children, you can help them
create a positive and healthy view of themselves and the
world.
The power of the written word
Sometimes we get so busy with everyday life that we
forget the simpler ways to communicate. In Put Your Heart References
on Paper, Henriette Klauser encourages use of the written Bates, E., B. OConnell and C. Shore. 1987. Language
word as a way of staying in touch. She says that writing and communication in infancy. In Handbook of infant
can start communications that might be too difficult for development, edited by J. D. Osofsky. New York: Wiley.
the spoken word and can heal conflicts between adults and Bornstein, M. H., editor, 1995. Handbook of parenting:
children. Most important is that these writings become part volume 1, children and parenting. NJ: Lawrence Erlbaum.
of the relationships history. Here are some ideas for how to Gottman, J., and J. DeClaire. 1997. The heart of parenting.
use the written word in your relationships: New York: Simon and Schuster.
On a small piece of paper, state a simple request such Klauser, H. A. 1995. Put your heart on paper. New York:
as Id like to take a walk with you, and leave the note Bantam.
in a visible place. Pettit, G. S., and J. E. Bates. 1989. Family interaction
If you are having trouble understanding a child patterns and childrens behavior problems from infancy
or making yourself understood, use writing as an to 4 years. Developmental Psychology, 25:413-420.
opportunity for explanations. Stone, E. 1988. Black sheep and kissing cousins: How our family
Use a journal to document a relationships history and stories shape us. New York: Penguin Books.
record special events and time spent together.
Leave small greetings for each other in unlikely places This guide was originally authored by Sara Gable.
such as on the bathroom mirror or in a backpack.
Share a journal with someone. Keep the journal in a
place where each person can easily get to it and record
feelings and experiences.

ALSO FROM MU EXTENSION PUBLICATIONS

GH6119 Positive Discipline and Child Guidance
GH6651 Stress Management and the Challenge of Balance
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