THE LITTLE DOG LAUGHED by Douglas Carter Beane “Life is all beginnings, until the ending” ~ Gertrude Stein ‘3rd draft - May 5”, 2005 protected by copyrightDIANE, in an elegant ball gown, sits in a gold bamboo chair. DIANE The beginning. Well beginnings ere always beautiful, Beginnings are - OK —do you know “Breakfast at Tiffany's’? The film, not the novella, | know, there's a novella, who knew? The beginning. Audrey Hepbum, the most beautiful person ever. Gets out of the cab. In Givency. Quadruple strand of pearls. And she walks to a window of Tiffany's. Again with the beautiful, And then the melody “Moon River’ watts in. Start with me. The beauly quotient is excessively high, Then beautiful Audrey Hepbum is sneaking into her Upper eastside townhouse away from the not so beautiful older man, but the running away part is beautiful. And then. But then. Then the unspeakable happens. Mickey Rooney. Mickey Rooney in full-on Novelty Hirohito glasses and buck teeth and ~~ (She imitates Mickey Rooney's Asian acting) Missy Goritry!! Missy Gorightry!! (back to her own voice) ‘And we can never recover. She can gab on and on about the mean reds and the. cat not having a name, but. Sorry. It's too late. The beginning has been irrevocably ruined. By bad casting. Right now, this story is beginning. And I don't even know it. ‘She is gone. ALEX is in a bathroom of a restroom the door opens ALEX I'm in here ELLEN (enter) I know that's why 'm coming in, ALEX ‘OK. For the record, this is a men's room. ELLEN Everything south of fourteenth street is unisex, hello now, took at you, more: importantly !ook at me. ALEX What's our little — scarf escapade we gat going on here? ELLENCease and desist. A recent shrewd purchase. Arthur is bored with me so he gave me one of his charge plates. That's why we have to go aut now while | still have it. First here, to a restaurant that is impossible to get into — ALEX But not so the bathrooms. ELLEN Then to a club or seven. Some place nice that has a drag queen at the door with a clipboard, because my day has been hellish. ALEX Going out is boring. ELLEN Hon, bless you. Of course itis. It's all boring. And it always has been. | only wish to God | had known that at the time I began alll this because | would have done a little more drugs and paid little less attention does this bracelet make me look chunky? ALEX | guess I'm just one of those sad fuckers that’s wants more. ELLEN Not |. That's part of my genius. Oh and there's this place — ALEX Are we going to have to meet Arthur there or — ELLEN Not a real option. Arthur is too busy slaving over his only possible mediocre follow up to his really important — just ask him -- debut novel which was published in like 1730 or something. i ALEX Wait.” What are we talking about? ELLEN ''m talking about Arthur has to write this evening so he gave me a charge card and sent me away so I'm having a scarf episode to punish him. ALEX But you have to wear it. ELLEN I mean to punish others but I punish myself That was insight just thenALEX I'l bring it up at your clemency hearing. ELLEN We are funning it tonight, this isn’t like last night, where did you even get to last night? ALEX Moneybags. ELLEN Oh. (Long pause) You know I really hate your moneybags. (Long pause) Did you make any money? (he reaches into his pocket and pulls out a wad of money) Holy Fuck. | take it back, big time. I should get a moneybag. ALEX You've got Arthur. ELLEN Arthur? Two words. Arthur ... is-so-not-my-moneybag. | mean, O.K., he's old and English he gives me money and stuff but Arthur loves me. Like. We just don't have sex because he's so antique that when he gets horizontal he wheezes but he does respond when | pout and he holds me in his arms when the hacking sobs come and he (Suddenly in an exaggerated British accent) admiahs my spihit, rahlly he does. My glohrious ephemerahl spihit. (Suddenly back to an American accent) And what do I know I'm a sociopath | can no longer distinguish right from wrong, I'm having a scarf episode. (Pause) ALEX Am | even in this conversation? ELLEN Was he old and fat this money bag? ALEX Nah Kinda young. Not so bad looking, (Pulls out a rumpled “rep’ te) So dusted this on the way out. ELLEN (takes tie)Your dusting is just ... lackluster. Some like boring old striped tie found in any chain store and slash or catalogue. And you don't even wear ties. Single tear. ALEX Single tear. No this isn’t a boring old striped tie from a chain store, this is a boring old striped tie from a boring old high school. From where | went. Boring old. Single tear. ELLEN love the way you say high school when you mean private school. ALEX I say high school when | mean boarding school. (takes tie back) Just thought it was so whatever weird. That this guy was probably there like a couple years before | was and — (moves to throw the tie out) I don't even wear a tie. ELLEN But stop in the name of style. You so are the type that could — (she takes the tie and puts it through his belt loops and ties it off to one side. They look at one another and smile) ELLEN Oh Alex. ALEX Stop. ELLEN Alex. (Pause) Alex. (Pause) ‘Alexander? ALEX What? ELLEN Let's have sex. ALEX I don't think we should have sex anymore ELLEN How come?ALEX I don't love you. ELLEN That's all right. | don't love me either. We have something in common. Let's have sex. ALEX I'm — you just know there’s a line for this john now ... and ... (HE looks at HER. HE looks away and groans. HE looks at HER and smiles. SHE smiles back) O.K. But leave the scarf episode out of this. Let's approach this with some integrity, you know? ELLEN Oh, like that tie is — (THEY begin to make love. There is the sound of a phone ringing) Just out of curiosity, do your genitals now ring? ALEX Perfect timing. (pulls out a cell phone) ELLEN Don't answer it. ALEX It's Martin maybe. ELLEN Don't. ALEX (HE tuims the phone on and speaks into it) Hello. Yeah, hi Martin, ELLEN Another moneybag? ALE (To ELLEN) Be quiet. (Into the phone) Uh-huh, Right. Yeah sure. | know that - it's a - On Central Park South. ELLENMaybe you can dust a watchband to match your tie ALEX Which room? I can be there by ... seven fifteen? Cool. (HE hangs up. And says to her) I'm sorry. ELLEN | hate Martin. ALEX Martin's phone calls are how the rent gets paid. ELLEN hate Martin and his little list of old men and | hope to never meet him. Or them, ALEX ''m sorry | have to leave you. Don't freak. | have to go. ELLEN Right. ALEX You can have a bite here if you want. ELLEN Right. ALEX IM be back. ELLEN Right. Au In about. in like an hour or so. Maybe later. Or I'll meet you at — what club are you going to? ELLEN Right. Right. ALEX Why do you keep saying "tight"? ELLEN I mean, Right. You're right. And | am... left. ALEXlil be back by — I don't know. Later. Tomorrow morning, maybe, ELLEN Right. ALEX Stop saying, “right”. (HE is gone) ELLEN Right. ELLEN is gone, DIANE is back sitting ina gold “bamboo! style catering chair. DIANE | wonder, in these quiet introspective moments that inevitably happen during award ceremonies, how much of my life is spent sitting in these same ole gold bamboo catering chairs. We're in New York, which we of Los Angeles love, accepting awards from critics, which we love even more so. My client, a famous young movie star who suffers from a slight recurring case of homosexuality, informs me ~ That as his date, are you possibly seated for this? As his date to this award ceremony, he would like to bring his mother. So no one will know that he’s gay. So | throw a flame retardant blanket on this potential brush fire, and volunteer myseff as his date. I'm Lesbian, he's a fag, we're in show business, we're a perfect couple. So we walk down'the carpet, the flash of cameras the desperate, beseeching, death-bed-lke cries, “Who are you wearing And I see his delight and warmth grow and flourish. The unmistakable moment when the outcast is allowed indoors. And all it takes is a little deception. Later, when | am In my golden bamboo chair moment of reverie, | realize that my evening's date is leaving our table and strolling towards the dais. He has won. His acceptance speech is inspired. Yes, there is the slight stumble when he forgets to thank the Screenwmter who is credited and has just accepted the award not ten minute prior and, oops, does thank the writer he brought on to the project. But -- who cares, i involves screenwriters. And at the end. The part where the name of a deceased Parent, a recent world horror or a terribly popular co-star is evoked -- he calls to me, choked with emotion, and extends an open palm. “To Diane,” My client states, significant tears finding their lazy way down his derma-braised face. “the woman who taught me ... how to love And how ... to dream”, And then, The silence. The vacuum of doubt The utter disbelief that pansy went there. But a foomful of show business professionals quickly recovers. Remembering thatthere are cameras everywhere, surely one of which will be broadcasting this moment because there are movie stars involved, the room obligingly produces a smattering of polite applause. And then, the realization that indeed, a dream must be kept alive, so — Peter Pan to little fairy Tinkerbell’s defense — the room bursts, no explodes into applauding and cheering. And he walks down, presents his award to me, holds me in his masculine arms and kisses me full on the lips. And here’s the part that is so luscious. I'm actually touched. | really like him, and he likes me and he's said that to everyone. And that kind of means something, Later when I'm in my hotel and watching one of the inevitable rebroadcasts of the event, my only wish — is that when he announced our love, | didn’t have such a look on my face of fucking shock. The lights go down on DIANE and come up on a hotel room. The drunken MITCHELL is at the door, letting in ALEX MITCHELL Hey. ALEX Uncle Steve? MITCHELL Uncle Steve? ALEX Your nephew. MITCHELL Your nephew? ALEX Can | crash? MITCHELL Can tf... crash? ALEX is there an echo in here? MITCHELL Sorry. I'm ~ I've been -- I'm confused. ALEX i'm BrianMITCHELL This is not helping. ALEX Your nephew. MITCHELL My nephew? ALEX Yeah. MITCHELL My nephew is seven years old, | am so lost. ALEX You're my uncle. I'm your nephew. Stuck in the city. | need a place to crash. There's only one bed. MITCHELL Do you have the right roo — ALEX Manhattan schoo- MITCHELL Manhattan schoolboys. | called them. From the T.V. The look of love was in my eyes. That's what the song says. In the background on the commercial. Oh my ALEX What? MITCHELL, You're you. ALEX Right. MITCHELL Manhattan Schoolboys. Only why are you my nephew Brian? Do you want a drink? I'm having one. ALEX (unsure) Uh... no,MITCHELL Alright then, I'm having several. ALEX Look, do want to be my uncle or not? MITCHELL Is there paper work? ALEX No. MITCHELL ‘Then I'll be your uncle. ALEX ‘cause if you don't want a ‘scene, then — MITCHELL {have no idea what's going on here. Wait a minute, | know what's going on here. That word. ALEX Scene. MITCHELL Means? ALEX Acting out. Role playing. MITCHELL On the phone, the guy said "do you want a scene?" | thought it was some sort of cool slang for a good time. “you wanna scene, man?” ++hadn't the foggiest —I'mvsorry. Thate myself. I'm drunk, Im sorry, | hate myself and | had no idea. And not in that order. Do you want a drink? ALEX I don't drink. MITCHELL Why? Did life suddenly get beautiful? ALEX No Notatall O.K., now do you want to ~ MITCHELLOh yes. By all means. Let's get to know one another. So alleged nephew Brian, what do you do for a living? ALEX Guess. MITCHELL Opera supernumerary. ALEX No. MITCHELL I'm obnoxious, aren't 1? ALEX You're fine. MITCHELL You want to have sex? ALEX Two hundred dollars. MITCHELL My. ALEX Can you afford it? MITCHELL Handily, my good man, handily. (HE pulls out his money clip) ALEX ‘So what do you do for a living ... Uncle Steve? MITCHELL I-uhm -who cares? You're cute. Do you think I'm cute? People say I look like amovie star ALEX Sure, you could be. You're a great looking guy. MITCHELL What was your question again? ALEXWhat kind of work do you do? MITCHELL My family owns a bla bah blah and | represent them on the eastem blah blah and blah blah blah blah blah. Blah blah. I'm someone's son. That's what I do for a living. Two hundred. (HE hands it to ALEX) You must be very good. At sex. ALEX That's not what people pay you for. MITCHELL What do people pay you for? ALEX To leave afterwards. MITCHELL That makes little or no sense. (HE takes a swig of scotch) That makes all the sense in the world. ALEX Let's get started. MITCHELL O.K. I'll get aroused. ALEX No scene? You don’t wanna do any role play? MITCHELL You know? | just don't think so. I nearly ruined my senior class production of _ "You Can't Take It With You". ALEX OK, Stay there, I'l get undressed. You get undressed. We'll get busy. MITCHELL Hmmm. Gala. ALEX You hke music? MITCHELL. Dear God, you aren't going to sing are you?ALEX No. MITCHELL That's nice. (ALEX turns his back and starts to get undressed. MITCHELL curls up on the sofa and closes his eyes.) Alleged nephew Brian? ALEX (Without turning around) Yeah? MITCHELL I'm sorry I'm drunk, ALEX That's O.K. (ALEX takes off his shoes A slight “clunk” on the floor. This causes the sleeping MITCHELL to moan alittle bit. ALEX mistakes this for sexual pleasure. HE acts along.) Oh yeah. (ALEX sensuously peels off his shirt. MITCHELL ’s head falls back. HE is fast asleep. As ALEX pulls off the tie from around his waist, MITCHELL lets out a snore. ALEX turns around.) Ah man! (ALEX walks over to see that MITCHELL is asleep. After seeing that HE is, HE reaches into the sleeping trick's jacket pocket. HE pulls out a packet of cigarettes. Useless. HE then reaches in and pulls out a full money clip of money. Now we're talking. HE takes alll the cash and then slides the cigarettes and money clip back into the jacket. HE tip toes out, taking HIS shirt, tie and shoes on the way. MITCHELL stirs, making a itt lip smacking baby noise. ALEX turns around and looks at this. it makes HIM smile. MITCHELL makes the noise again. ALEX makes the noise. MITCHELL makes the noise back. ALEX silently laughs a bit to himself. HE then looks back at the door and then at MITCHELL. ALEX casually walks over to MITCHELL pulls out the pack of cigarette. Finds a cigarette and returns the pack. Sits across from the sleeping john, lights the cigarette and stares at this man. With the coolness of a surgeon. Lights down on them, Lights up on ELLEN. ELLEN Since it is quiet apparent that | am not going to be spending this evening at Alex's railroad flat in Williamsburg, and Arthur is going to go through the motions of writing and can’t write because oh, I'm in the next room just breathing. So, | decide to take up Screecher's offer to come home to West Chester where once |lived. And spend the night. Screecher is my none-too-affectionate nickname for my none-to-affectionate mother. “Ellen”, Screecher says—no wait - "ELLENI! GODDAMN IT, YOU NEVER GODDAMN COME GODDAMN HOME FOR A GODDAMN VISIT, GODDAMN IT.” So I go home for a visit. Goddamn it. And, you know, she’s not pleased. | just so cannot win here. Alright maybe I shouldnt have shown up at three in the morning. Maybe | should have called frst, maybe | should have had money for the cab, maybe | should have had a key and not broken a window to get in, you know, we all have some things we'd like to do over. And now I'm in West Chester. And it's whatever o'clock in the morning. In my once room. But it’s not my room anymore. After all that fuss Screecher made about me coming home, there’s no home left for me now. Just. Wicker baskets and doll heads and ~- and dried flowers. Screech has gone and transformed my room into a craft room, which I guess is de regueir among the post hystereciomy set. And as the doll heads stare at me, | realize. My childhood is so mother fucking over. When did that happen, right? And | am so good to lose it. And, And | find three long strands of thin vinyl string and I'm scared and I'm alone And the next thing | know, | am getting busy. Making the gimp. Oh yeah, So just. Make gimp. ELLEN disappears. The lights come back up on the hotel room. MITCHELL is asleep on the sofa alone. Offstage we hear ALEX. ALEX Breakfast! A room service breakfast. (Enters) Here's what I lovel! A room service breakfast. MITCHELL Jesus. Who are -- I've woken up with Eloise or something. ALEX Jordered you eggs, do you like eggs? MITCHELL They're not runny or ~~ ALEX SKA - rambled. Say wit with me please SKA-rambled. MITCHELL Please stop.ALEX What? MITCHELL Being so ovenly chipper. I'm really, really — ALEX You hung over? MITCHELL Sick. Should | ~ did I pay you? ALEX Don't worry, I'm covered. MITCHELL OK. Well then. You can leave then. Do you want me to have somebody downstairs get you a cab or something? ALEX On, MITCHELL What? ALEX Not --just oh. MITCHELL 's there anything you -- else you — ALEX | just thought we could have some breakfast. MITCHELL Why don't you take some money and catch a bite somewhere —~ ALEX I meant like with you. MITCHELL Why on earth would you ~ ALEX don't know. | think you're funny. MITCHELLYeah. I'm Mister Comedy Pants. Look. Uhm, Brian. ALEX Alex MITCHELL Alex. Who's Brian? Never ~ There is not a doubt in my mind that you are a very sweet uhm guy. But the truth of it all is - | was really drunk last night. As in stupid drunk. As in as drunk as you've ever been in your young life, just double it and you're maybe halfway there. And when I'm stupid drunk I do stupid things. As in calling up for sex with guys which is not really what I'm about. I'm not a sex with guys kind of person. ALEX We didn't have sex. MITCHELL Exactly. See? I'm just - really — when I'm in a different town and in a hotel room there's this lethal mix of loneliness and independence and scotch and — Do you see what I'm saying? ALEX Oh. MITCHELL It's nothing against you. I'm sure you're -- if you could -- Just -- ALEX Oh. Isee. MITCHELL You can take whatever you want from the cart if you're hungry. ALEX ‘No. Actually I'm not hungry at all. MITCHELL (Looking at the eggs) Repugnant. Well -- (HE looks at ALEX. ALEX looks back. Then gets dressed ) ALEX Look, if you're like worried about queer stuff, you don’t have to worry or anything, because I'm not queer. | mean | have a girlfriend. And everything. 1 just do this, you know? I'm in it for the money. And you're not queer either probably. You would probably fall under the category of like straight but curious So like dont sweat it Even.(All dressed, ALEX stops and stares back at MITCHELL) I'm in it for the money. (MITCHELL offers ALEX a hand) MITCHELL Sorry for the inconvenience. (ALEX stares at the hand. Then suddenly takes a bit of scrap paper out from HIS pocket and pulls out a flair pen quickly scrawls something. HE hands it to MITCHELL) ALEX Here. MITCHELL Is this a receipt? ALEX No, my number. My home number. You shouldn't be calling like rent boys when youre not sober. You could get fucking rolled man. You're lonely, just wanna hang out? You can -- MITCHELL That's ~- again the work sweet is being used a lot here but — I won't use it. 1 mean this number. | won't use this number. I mean this was an experiment for me so -- But | thank you. Really. It was a nice gesture. Well. Goodbye. Lights down on THEM, up ‘on DIANE. DIANE The Mahayana Buddhist monks of the namghala monastery create the sand mandala. This time consuming expression of faith involves the delicate layering of multi-colored sand into intricate patterns. To see them is to be rendered speechless. Often stretching on for yards and yards, these elaborate inter- connected wheels contain. symbols of the entire universe, the aspects of mind and body, as well as the alternative. They often take weeks to create, They are admired briefly, and then dismantled, blown away like the sand of the beach and washed into the sea. This ritual is performed as a constant reminder, that all of man’s toil is ultimately folly. As an exercise of tedious futility this act pales in comparison to watching Hollywood Jews order sandwiches. (imitating) “Oh and | want it toasted a light brown on the outside, but white on the inside, and I want the mustard lightly spread on the top, not the bottom and then | want the fatty side of the turkey, | want mesculin and you'd better not be using scissors on regular lettuce ~ BECAUSE I'M WATCHING — and when that is done, ! want you to throw it out, because if you've only done this sandwich only once, there’s no way you can get it right.” (back to HERSELF)' am seated with not one, not two, but three studio executives, old friends, and we are alll out futiling one another with our orders. When this is over, fifteen minutes later, we will discuss liberal causes and ‘scorching bits of sex gossip of friends not at this table. Fifteen minutes later, As our. mandalas are placed before us, with a kosher pickle and salt and vinegar potato chips please, the ‘subject of our work ng aiichew and nod and make mental notes to see it ater. More importantiy there is a marvelous role in this play. Sadly the role is that of a homosexual, but Ii Could be. Portrayed by a star. Itcould get made. I chew I chew and think - jf Would be great for my client | chew | chew and the ultimate springboard tor Ine from agent to manager to ... producing partner. I chew I swallow. Five hour's later, | wil be at the theater to see that play. And all th ives wil (She looks up) ‘Yes, Ilhave the Reuben. And could | have the Russian dressing on the top only Lights down on DIANE and up on ALEX, who has just walked up to ELLEN in a club, ELLEN Alex, save me from the remains of what was no doubt once a decent club. The Publicist said | was on the list and now that I see who else is on the list | want my name taken off the list. Alex, by what stretch of whose imagination is this considered an event? ALEX EI Nina. ELLEN Alex come-over here and let me put my head on your lap and you can stroke my hair and tell me things, no wait forgot 'm not speaking to you, goodbye ALEX Lame night or what? ELLEN Not a VIP room to be found. | want glass ‘separating me from others. It's not much, but its’ my dream ALEX Agirl, a dream, a big city.ELLEN I'm not speaking to you, I'm vulnerable. ALEX Why are you vulnerable this time? ELLEN Are you possibly ready? Ancient Lymie Arthur has decided — ALEX Oh no. ELLEN You got it, fella. ALEX Oh Ellen. ELLEN Fine. Arthur dumped me. So be it. Can crash at your place? I'm just not up for the whole West Chester and Screecher and decoupage thing tonight. ALEX Sure. ELLEN You don't have like any — ALEX No money bags. ELLEN Money bags or anything ~ ALEX And til turn off my call, ELLEN Just like old time. (A pause. The DJ spins a good song. ALEX and ELLEN look out at the room. ELLEN puts her head on ALEX's lap. ELLEN places ALEX's hand on her head. HE gently strokes HER hair. THEY continue to look out at the room) This room is like — ALEX Over.ELLEN Oh so very over. | remember when this place opened it was like — ALEX Oh yeah, ELLEN ‘That was like my third date with Arthur or something. It's official my relationships now have the shelf life of a New York club. ALEX Not like at first, at — ELLEN That was the fun, ALEX The only fun. ELLEN With Lady Dementia holding court — ALEX J miss her and ~ ELLEN And us in the ~ ALEX The way she would laugh. LLE ‘The way we would laugh. a ALEX Like on that day we ~ ELLEN God. ALEX When | was home from school for the ~ ELLEN Don't ALEX summer and some friend of Canook the scary stepfather —ELLEN Please don't. ALEX Gets me this job. To hand out flyers. ELLEN To be nostalgic and only 24. Sadness. ALEX But only to people who looked cool. ELLEN Well, we'd know -- ALEX And | met this girl | had to do it with like ~ ELLEN The blond tresses. ALEX The full-on raging blonde tresses. And I'm thinking, "Who the hell - ELLEN The day we met. The only fun, Alex, it was the only fun. ALEX We handed out like three fiyers and you're like dumping them in a mail box and announcing, let's go shopping. ELLEN One day when they ask you, “did she ever have fun?" Promise me you'll ~ ALEX And we got paid ELLEN Tell them -- ALEX And a raise. Alex and Ellen get the best people at ~ ELLEN About —ALEX AND ELLEN At first. ALEX But fun goes away. ELLEN Fun goes away. ALEX Everything goes away. Except fucking Canook the scary step father. ‘And clubs and people dying and — ELLEN Good things go away. Scary things just get more so. ALEX Remember — the just fun of it? ELLEN Everyone leaves me anymore Alex. ALEX Iknow. | know. ELLEN Lady Dementia, the crew, now Arthur. ALEX Iknow. Hated him anyway. | know. ELLEN Don't ever leave me. Alex. AIEX Never. {The music from the dance flaor gradually overpowers THEM. And lights de.) ELLEN Don't ever. ALEX Never ever ELLEN Never.ALEX Ever. ELLEN Ever? ALEX Never. MITCHELL , drunk at the door of his hotel room. The door is open. ALEX is walking in. On his wrist is a “gimp” bracelet. MITCHELL Well. Hello. ALEX Hey, Mitchell MITCHELL My name is not Mitchell, what makes you think that my name is Mitchell? Who's Mitchell, ALEX When you passed out last time, you muttered that your name was Mitchell. MITCHELL Hello, my name is Mitchell. ALEX Alex. MITCHELL Right. Not Brian. ALEX Right MITCHELL With a"Y" not an "I"? ALEX No. MITCHELL Who's Brian with a"Y" not an "I"?ALEX That's the name | use when -- that's my —- Ellen calls it my nom du shtup. MITCHELL, And Ellen would be your? ALEX & MITCHELL Girlfriend. ALEX Well, yeah. MITCHELL You are so sophisticated; may I get you a drink? ALEX What have you got? MITCHELL Honor bar. You name it. ALEX I don't know. Soda, (MITCHELL gets ALEX a soda) Hey, you called me! MITCHELL I did indeed. ALEX And you said you wouldn't MITCHELL Im a whirling mass of contradictions. Ginger ale? ALEX Sure. (Mitchell hands him a ginger ale) So how come you called me? Do want to have sex and stuff? MITCHELL Sorry. Just had sex. ALEX Really? Who with? MITCHELLOh. Uhm. Daniel, | believe his name was. ALEX ‘Oh yeah, MITCHELL From your agency. ALEX Right. MITCHELL Tall, muscular. Almond shaped eyes. ALEX Eurasian. MITCHELL Oh I think he's pretty much anybody's Asian. ALEX Worst possible taste. MITCHELL Do what I can. ALEX Have fun? MITCHELL Sure whatever. | mean | hadn't done it for a while. But. | mean the last time was in the boy scouts. The last time was the first time. ALEX Boy Scouts. | hear that a lot. For first times. MITCHELL ‘The merit badge that dare not speak its name. When | think back ‘on the whole time in the canvas tent and the outrageous co-seduction, and | have been a lot lately, | am overwhelmed with a sense of, well, arousal, but ultimately a kindling rage The pleasures | leamed there, however immediate, have .. hampered me. Have — Oh never mind. ALEX No Goon, MITCHELL.And | never did it again. Oh you know, once or twice after that. Maybe fifteen. But I'm always drunk. And | date women. Who | never have sex with. Who was your first time? ALEX My step-father. MITCHELL My God. You're kidding ALEX Yeah, | am, just playing with your head, Mine was a dorm mate at school. MITCHELL Right right right. But these desires, that | learned in that tent, have just — it's like, 0.K. Do you know how whenever anybody starts to get all rhapsodic and shit about America and they get on that whole "In America you can be whatever you want to be?" But whenever you hear it, there's usually a catch in the throat of the speaker, because they know its this complete self-deception. Like the fat girl with buck teeth who says, "Momma thinks I'm pretty”. She also has that — ALEX Self-deception catch. MITCHELL Exactly. Because the unspeakable truth of it is, no. The only ones who can be whatever they want are white, upper middle class, straight, conservative, Protestant men. Pastiness and puffiness are optional, Everyone else is going to have these just utter hurdles thrown in their path. So if you grow up, as I did, with the whole above checks list intact, you know the world is but waiting for you. And then. But then. Comes a night in a tent when you're sixteen and these learned desires and you know if you pursue them, the everything, the whatever you want is no longer waiting for you. | don't know. ALEX Maybe you'd have these desires, even if you didn't mess around once in boy scouts. MITCHELL I'd like to think not. ALEX | don't know, MITCHELL Idon't know. ALEXYou don't want to have sex, do you? MITCHELL No. Not with a guy never ever again. Like before sex I do, but after sex, I don't. ALEX I guess I should leave. MITCHELL Uh —- Like after sex | usually don’t want to be with a guy and this time | did, only | wanted to be with you. ALEX Oh. MITCHELL So, uhm. Nothing. ALEX What? MITCHELL No. ALEX No? MTICHELL You can stay if you want. ALEX What do you want? MITCHELL 1'm tired, I'm going to go to sleep I think. Al You want me to sleep with you? | mean like really sleep. Like for real MITCHELL i don’t know. Suit yourself. I'm going to bed. To sleep. That's it. (HE walks into the bedroom. A moment as ALEX things about everything. Or maybe about nothing. HE then goes into the bedroom) The lights come up on ELLENELLEN The night of the club that we both deplored, | went to Alex’s apartment afterwards and we threw ourselves into making love. But like — OK the thing with guys, when they make love it's lke they're running into your arms. And if you look really close at their faces, you can see if their running towards you or running away from something else ~ and you just got in the way. And I got 2 good look at Alex's face and — he was definitely fleeing someone or something and | was road kill. | mean beautiful roadkill but. And when he finally fell asleep, | found the sleek new gimp bracelet | made and I, with the merest suggestion of pageantry, slid it on his wrist. And I went to sleep just content as like a .... I wake up let's say three hours later and yeah, you got it here | am all alone in bed, And Jam so ready to lose it in a kind of -. But then I know — wherever he is. Whoever. Whoever he's with. He’s wearing that bracelet and. I'm with —I'm. So, you see, a lot can be said about the psychologically healing powers of jewelty. No matter how unattractive. SHE is gone. ALEX and MITCHELL are in bed. ALEX starts to get out of bed wearing only boxers and a gimp bracelet. ALEX | should go. MITCHELL Another Appointment? ALEX Nah. MITCHELL Classes? ALEX Not in schoo! anymore. MITCHELL Your gitifriend? ALEX No, She's probably still asleep. Besides. I'm seeing her tonight. (with a laugh) She's a pain. | should go. It was nice sleeping, just sleeping with you (HE gets up and gets dressed.)MITCHELL You can, if you are so inclined, stay for a little bit, some more. We could get breakfast, even. Mean, I'm just throwing that out as an option, ALEX Do you want me to stay? MITCHELL Let the games begin. (THEY both chuckle and MITCHELL start to get dressed.) ALEX 'm just for — you know, the sake of. MITCHELL Clarity. For the sake of clarity. ALEX {don't know that | like guys as a gender. They're kind of pretty much jerks. Like, they're really nice when they want something from you, but once they get it they could pretty much give a shit. Like, this one time, it was actually the first time | tricked. Martin set me up. This first trick guy was all distinguished, with gray in his hair and a suit. Took me out to dinner and was all interested with what Il wanted to do with my life. What books | read, what art | liked. Like interested in what kind of music | was listening to. fd make a pretty decent joke and he'd laugh all warm and shit. We go back to his place, he’s like taking my clothes off all slow and calling me, wait, magnificent. No wait, really. And I'm all naked and what not, and he's walking me back to his bedroom, and we stop on the way, and we step into bis bathroom, and he puts me in the bathtub which was empty, and puts me on my knees, and he pissed on me for like three minutes. He must not have peed for a really long time and drank a lot of liquid — I'm not ~ this is just me hanging out. MITCHELL God, that’s awful. ALEX And then he looks at me ail disgusted and says, “clean yourself up and get out of here,” and then he goes to bed. Like, | have to show myself to the door. So I took a shower, and toweled off, and then left with. Heft with ~ hike fifteen of his c de, MITCHELL Oh my God, you poor guy. ALEX You pity me, Vil fucking kill you. | so can’t stand pity, | mean, so you know, next lime you feel that pity face coming on to the front of your head, that first night | dusted you bad, | stole 300 bucks from you(MITCHELL walks up to ALEX, looks as if HE might slap HIM, and kisses HIM. Its long and passionate. When itis done, THEY just stare at one another. THEY kiss again passionately, taking off each OTHER's clothing. When they are both naked, MITCHELL kneels before ALEX, the door opens, DIANE walks in) DIANE Mitchell, | - whoa! (ALEX lets out a scream and covers HIMSELF with HIS hands. MITCHELL ) says as calmly as possible as HE wraps himself in a sheet: MITCHELL Diane, didn’t we have a little discussion about knocking before entering? DIANE I'm sorry | heard voices and | came in. ALEX (nervously looking for HIS clothing) Geez lady, | am sorry. | was just, are you his wife? DIANE No dear, and your underwear is on your left. ALEX Girlfriend or — I'm really sorry. DIANE 'm nothing. I'm only the woman that taught him how to love. ALEX ‘Oh fuck. | am so sorry, |— DIANE And dream. MITCHELL (getting dressed) Ignore her. She's being glib. DIANE My God Mitchell, look at him. He’s a child. Where did you even find him? MITCHELL Diane, just relax. Go back to your room, I'm with a frend DIANEFriend? Come now, Mitchell — you're just having another one of your little adventures. MITCHELL | don't have adventures. DIANE Please. You're like Huckleberry Finn on a raft made out of rent boy. MITCHELL What makes you think he’s a rent boy? DIANE You're sleeping with him. MITCHELL Actually, Diane, I'd like you to meet Alex and he’s not a rent boy. He's a friend, DIANE (to MITCHELL) You've become so good at telling lies, you can even fool yourself, ALEX I should go. (Starting to get dressed) 'm going to go. MITCHELL No stay. DIANE You can't stay, not-a-male-prostitute Alex. Mitchell has been working hard he deserved his little treat, but he has a lunch meeting now and — MITCHELL Alex and | are going to hang out for a while — I was thinking of taking him to the play tonight. : DIANE No ~ that is — Mitchell, honey, | know you must get lonely sometimes, but we are just now on the brink of everything we've ever hoped for. Let's not blow it Now we are buying this play for you. It is not — wise to show up with some twinkiefuck on your arm. For the press to take pictures of. By the way, does he know? MITCHELL He's about to. ALEXKnow what? DIANE Alex. Alex was it? | lke that name, really is it actually your ~never-- You see, Alex, Mitchell and | have a kind of ~ it’s ike a relationship, only its enjoyable. What we have — more important than anything ~ is our mutual love for one another and our combined love of our work. And there's no personal relationship: that we can have that will ever be larger than that. Now I've known Mitchell, for how long? ALEX Seven years. DIANE (To ALEX) Seven years. That's almost half your life, Alex. And when | first saw Mitchell he stirred something in me. Not in a sexual way, PLEASE, but, you know, to want to Put on dungarees and do chores with. And | knew we just had to be together for work, Justhad to. And we are. For seven years now. So, now, you should leave. Mitchell and | have this very important lunch, then Mitchell has to see this Play tonight, and then tomorrow moming Mitchell and | will be flying back to LA. (To MITCHELL) Mitchell, we're having lunch with the fag playwright. Please. For me. As a favor. Butch it up, Mary. (to ALEX) Great meeting you, Alex. | love this city of yours. (SHE exits) MITCHELL He's not a rent boy, Diane! ALEX |— uhm — what's the thing | should know — you positive? MITCHELL No, not at all. It's nothing, ignore her, tll P.call you. ... Alex. Later. ELLEN appears ina nightclub. ELLEN Alex, don't look at me MITCHELL is gone. ALEX What?ELLEN Don't even think of looking at me. I don’t even know who you are anymore. ALEX Who? Alex Eatenbrook. What? Hustler? When? | need to. Where? In New York City, a great place to bring up kids. Why? Why not? 1 think that about wraps up any bio. Have you ever heard of some actor or something named . uhm Mitchell Green. ELLEN Oh yeah, he's one of those border line aging pretty boys — why was he a money bag? ALEX Yeah, right, I wish. No, | think | saw him on the street, that's all. Just — that's all, {alight on ELLEN) ELLEN Later tonight I'll go home, back to Williamsburg with Alex. I'll be cold on the ‘subway and he'll take off his leather jacket and put it over my shoulders, It will be the kindest gesture anyone will do for me for the rest of my life, and | have a sense of it, in that moment. Once we're in his horrible apartment, we will begin to make love. (alight on ALEX also) ALEX Oh God, Ellen, you feel so good. ELLEN And even though he’s three inches from my face ALEX ‘Oh God, baby, | missed you ELLEN : And he's looking right into my eyes. | can see that he is miles away and is thinking of someone else. ALEX Oh God, , | want to be inside you. ELLEN And because | know this is all winding down. ALEX Let me get a rubberELLEN No. No rubber. | want to fee! you tonight. ALEX Oh God, you feel so good. ELLEN And I feel so good. ALEX Oh God, I'm going to cum. ELLEN Go ahead baby, go ahead. (the lights slowly dim on ALEX) ‘And he holds me. And he holds me and he holds me and he holds me. And he holds me until | hear the gentle rumble of his snore. | sneak out of bed and go to my laptop computer, get on the net, and quickly type in WWW.IMDB.COM, and type in the name, Mitchell Green and look at his photograph for a very long time. And | don't feel sad. | feel calm. Lights down on ELLEN, Lights up on DIANE and MITCHELL seated face forward. DIANE We are in Tribeca. We are having a luncheon. We are here to meet him. MITCHELL We are meeting him. He meaning him is a playwright. DIANE He meaning him is notoriously neurotic, which for a gentile is worn as some badge of honor and paranoid, which for a homosexual over forty, must just be a given. We sit at the table. First it's great to meet him. - MITCHELL (to an imaginary him) {t's great to meet you. DIANE. (To an imaginary him) It's great to meet you. MITCHELL (to an imaginary him)ELLEN Honey, you said you wouldn't tell — MITCHELL OK? ELLEN OK. We're expecting! MITCHELL We are! DIANE And it's the ending. ALEX it's the beginning. | can have what | had before. | can have it again, only better. DIANE And the music swells the haunting love theme is reprised, MITCH We're just happy. It's like an ending, saying good-bye to my bachelor days, end of an era, ELLEN ‘The end of being a girl and I'm so happy. We're just so happy. DIANE The ending. ALEX My life is beginning. DIANE We fade to black, the credits foll. The ending. END¥'m a huge admirer. Oh fuck it, 'ma huge fan. DIANE (to an imaginary him) Me too, and I never use the f-word. Fan not fuck. (to audience) We give a useless bullshit compliment to pave the road. (to him) !Wve been a fan of yours since, oh God, this is going to date me. Iwas a reader for mansert Hollywood legend name here ~ and | saw your first original screenplay — insert long forgotten Hollywood screenplay here (to audience) Oh fuck, I fucked up. He's looking at his napkin, His wounded Puppy face is now 9 up to dog face. Say something, Diane. Say something, MITCHELL (to him) Actually | can beat that. When | was in college I did a scene from “obscure theater reference here" from “Collection of earlier plays now long out of print (to audience) Look away shyly, but not So shyly that | don't see his face light up. DIANE (to audience) Score one for the air headed faggot. Slide in with contemporary reference. (to him) Your play. MITCHELL (to him) ‘Oh my God. DIANE Your play is so beautiful. MITCHELL tts.a.poem. A two and a half hour poem. DIANE | saw it last night and | made Mitchell sit down and read it MITCHELL Oh my God | cred so much. DIANE | thought he had been reunited with a birth parent or something, It was that kind of sobbing, It was such a great play and ~ and | dont say this about every play,and, and I'm sure everyone is telling you this, | think it could make a beautiful, beautiful motion picture. MITCHELL Oh my God, do you think? It's beautiful almost too beautiful for the medium. DIANE You'll see the play tonight and you'll agree with me. MITCHELL | read it this moming and I'm seeing it tonight. DIANE That's how good it is. What's good here? | bet they do a great Caesar salad. Your piece was the truth. No, better than the truth. | think I am going to have the Cesar salad. If we can get them to be light on the Romano cheese. (to audience) He meaning him clears his throat and begins to talk about he meaning himself. MITCHELL (to audience) We both nod appropriately. DIANE (to audience) Oh Good. He meaning him is going to rail against the motion picture business. About how he meaning him sold him’s meaning his first ‘screenplay and went there suitcase and soul in hand to make a fortune. But he meaning him was rewritten. He meaning him was lied to, was manipulated. He meaning him was fired. Oh what a victim was he meaning him. Life has been so unkind to him meaning him. MITCHELL (to audience) But he meaning him ran away,.left his. meaning his suitcase and most of his meaning his soul but he meaning him got away. DIANE (to audience) Oh Good. He meaning him has spent so much time in Hollywood that he is mentally incapable on an unhappy ending MITCHELL (to audience) | smile as the happy ending approaches. DIANE (to audience)bie both do and nod in agreement. He meaning him came back to New York, back to the theater, back to write a play, something that he meaning him would always call him's meanings his own, something for no money, something for litle or no visibly. And now, all of Hollywood wants his meaning his play. MITCHELL (to audience) Of course it is about two men in love. They’re gonna wanna change that. DIANE (to audience) Re-wite it, So his meaning his happy ending is a happy ending with a twist (to him) Congratulations. MITCHELL (to him) Good for you. DIANE (to him) seen have to tell you how crummy this business i. itis despicable. But you've gotten through it with your soul. (to audience) ad if you're so goddamn sainted, if you're so goddamn wounded like St. Sebastian, why are you having lunch with us here now? Ever the caricatures on {he wall are roling their eyes at you. Only | dont ask i ike that, (to him) Are you familiar with Mitchell's work? (to audience) That's how | ask it. No, I figured. If you haven't seen his work, you know from the shiny magazines that he's approaching the status of someone whe fan geta movie made. (to audience) treink when | was a freshmen in college, alone in my dorm room, | jerked off to Jae picture ofthis guy on the back of his then inprint collection, cause nes was kinda cute and openly gay. But now that | see him in person I dont think | would do him Not just because of the age thing, although that's always a factor, butbecause | think he's just one of those people who looks better in a picture than in person. The camera can be one lying motherfucker. DIANE (to audience) Mitchell is still talking about this goddamn old play that we're not here to talk about. It's time to take out the cattle prod and herd us back on message. (to him) Don't you think Mitchell would be very good in the role of Devon? MITCHELL (to him) | would like ~ kill to do a part like Devon, DIANE (to audience) No, not for the play. You inconsequential tte stain | didn't fly across the country to put my client in a play. | am not paying for your fucking crab cakes in this hell hole for my client, who is on the rise, to replace someone in a play. (to him) That could work if Mitchell's schedule clears up. Maybe he could do a short run in the play, a limited engagement sort of thing. No, | was thinking more of a film version. MITCHELL (to audience) He explodes. DIANE (to him) No, of course you'll never sell. No of course you've been bumed in the past. And ail you were left with was something of aname and a couple of million dollars. (to audience) Oh thank God, here comes the waiter to take the orders. This will give him meaning him time to calm down and think about how muich he meaning he really wants this. (to waiter) : Yes, I'l have the Cesar salad and will you make sure when you toss it that the Romano in the dressing is — (to audience) the waiter walks away before | can explain my dietary needs, This is the limit (to him) Well now that the orders are taken, it comes a time in the lunch, where I like to discuss the subject at hand. Every studio wants this story. You won't sell it to any studio because of the relationship of the two men, which I totally respect, which you totally refuse to change. | say, with Mitchell as the lead in this movie, it wil get made. As the story of two men. What can we do to assure you that we're the ‘ones you want to do this movie with?MITCHELL (To audience) God she's good. DIANE (to audience) God | suck. I'll have opened the door to everything. He'll want to direct the picture. He'll want to produce, he'll want final cut. A writer with final cut, | would rather give firearms to small children. The pause here is deafening. The silence 0 loud | can feel it in my chest. Give me this fucking piece of material. Give me this chance at another job. Give it. MITCHELL Give it to me. DIANE Give it to me. Give it, MITCHELL He meaning him speaks. MITCHELL & DIANE Iwant ... DIANE he meaning him says deliberately. MITCHELL & DIANE I want ... your word. DIANE My word? You want my ... what type of negotiation ploy is this? What type of mind fuck is this? My word? Oh. Oh. No wait, you'e good. Of course you don't believe in contracts. We all know about that little franchise you created that contractually gave you automatic first draft of the sequel. That when your agent went screaming and pointing at the contracts, when production began on the sequel without you meaning him, the studio said , ‘so sue us” and then your layers of lawyers told your agent to fold. You want ... my word? The last thing | have. The only thing I'll ever have, that thing | gave away so long ago I'd forgotten | had it. My word. You're asking a whore for her cherry. You win, | 1've lost. By forfeit MITCHELL (to him) You have my word. As a gay man, you have my word that this will be the story of two men that love each other.DIANE (to audience) My God what is he doing? This is not the time to come out and oh ho. Ho ho ho. Little fruit is on it. Little fruit is getting this play for his movie. MITCHELL (to him) As a gay man who will never dishonor the memory of insert the names of three famous gay men who died of A.1.D.S and the name of insert the name of a young boy who was gay bashed to death and became famous DIANE (to audience) Now Miss Nancy is laying it on too thick. Let me save it. (to him) You have my word. As an entertainment industry professional. (to audience) He meaning him smiles, but not with happiness. With sadness, actually. And my salad arrives. MITCHELL (to audience) And her salad arrives and if you look really really close you can see a little tear in her eye DIANE (to audience) And it’s all wrong, All wrong. DIANE is gone, MITCHELL is in HIS hotel room. HE opens the door. There stands Alex. ALEX Hey. MITCHELL Ob hi ALEX | should leave, sorry. MITCHELL Oh no, That's a good “oh hi.”ALEX Yeah, you sure? MITCHELL Sure I’m sure. ALEX Well, you're sure? MITCHELL I'm sure. Come in. Come on in. I was actually going to of call you anyway, 'm serious. (ALEX walks in) ALEX Sorry. Real sorry. Know | didn't cail or leave a message or anything. | was just, - you know, I had another client in the hotel which was a coincidence and | thought I would go down two flights and say, “hi” to you. MITCHELL Really? ALEX No, I made that up. MITCHELL Good, Good. ! was hoping you did. 1 was going to cail you, And you just stopped by. I's like back when everybody was saying synchronicity and i wasn't getting it. Its like that. Listen, are you in any manner of speaking available this evening? | mean in an off duty manner. Just to kind of — ALEX | know who you are. MITCHELL Ab ba, ALEX Like that lady. The real talkie lady when she came in here when we were together last time. She's not gonna come back, is she? MITCHELL No, she's screaming at lawyers right now. That's as close as she gets to God, DIANE in a board roomDIANE The play hereafter referred to as the property. ALEX ‘Anyway, she said the thing about buying a play, which made me thing you were an actor. But | only knew your first name only. So when I left there was this maid down the hall with that cart. You know. Soaps. And | said, “Is the Mitch in 207, is that the Mitchell the actor?” And I made it sound like | was going to say your last name, like my whole body moved forward and she said, "Yeah, Mitchell Green,” So then later, | was out with my girlfriend, who really isn't my girffriend so much, and | asked her if she ever heard of an actor Mitchell Green and she said, “Oh sure.” 'm sorry I haven't heard of you. ELLEN is reading from a computer. ELLEN “Mitchell Green July 8, 1968. Manhasset, NY, USA.” MITCHELL Oh ALEX Later, she crashed at my place and | was asleep. ELLEN “Known as much for his rigorous career choices as for his talent and chiseled good looks.” ALEX And she got online and went to IMDB. ELLEN “Mitchell Green has been straddling the line between serious actor and-leading main for Some time now.” MITCHELL Got ya ALEX And then she went to sleep but left the computer on. | saw the light of the computer so | walked over and read some ELLEN “Green is rumored to be a frontrunner of the film version of the hit play ~*DIANE The author hereafter referred to as the selling owner. MITCHELL So do you want to blackmail me or do you want to be a movie star yourself? ALEX Oh, fuck you, man. Fuck you. | just wanted you to know I know who you are, and that no one will ever know. About whatever is going on here. Which is nothing, by the way. MITCHELL Oh, OK. Well, thank you. ALEX Well, | should go. | just wanted to tell you that. And to say good-bye and have a nice flight. (HE gets up to leave.) MITCHELL ‘You never said if you had plans for tonight. As in off duty, as in non- professional. As in | don't know. Do you want to do something tonight? DIANE Without limitation all material, ideas or other tangible or intangible work products - ALEX ‘Sure. | mean we could watch a movie here. Lights up on ELLEN ona subway. ELLEN 'm.on the train, which Alex insists | call the subway, whichis just a train underground. MITCHELL No, I mean, go out. ELLEN And the woman next to me is looking through the paper slowly and widely, like she's invading my space with it, so I am sort of looking at the paper also. ALEX Sure, | guess. Like and do what?MITCHELL Like and see a play. DIANE All trademarks, copyrights (and renewals and extensions thereof) ALEX | thought your ladyfriend didn’t want you to go to the play with me. DIANE ~ regarding motion picture, television ~ MITCHELL See the play with me. DIANE ~- sequel, remake, video — ALEX But you have to leave tomorrow for ~ MITCHELL Maybe I'll stay for a while. DIANE digital video, laser disc, video game, computer game — ELLEN ‘And the woman on the train, sorry subway, slowly and widely tums the page and there — DIANE Theme park rides, computer assisted media (including but not limited to i ALEX I'm not dressed to see a play. MITCHELL Then go home and change. ELLEN "Seen about town” DIANE And any other devices or methods now known or hereafter devised). ALEXIt's too far | wouldn't make the show. : ELLEN And do | have to tell you “seen” is spelled s-c-e-n-e? MITCHELL So, then go downstairs. There’s one of those nice cheapy chain store jobs. I'll buy you ~ ALEX | can buy my own clothes. DIANE Media not yet known to man on every continent, island, oil rig, flight — ELLEN Hot property. MITCHELL {want to go out with you. ALEX Well, | don't know if ~ MITCHELL I want to go out with you. I don't care who sees what. | like you. | want to go out with you and see this stupid fucking play, which is supposed to be really good. And then I want to come back here , and undress you in your new fucking clothes and have you undress me and then craw! into the fucking bed, and | want to not be drunk and you not be working and to do stuff with each other and kiss you and then fall asleep in your arms. ELLEN Rising young actor, Mitchell Green, catches hit play with one of his buds. ALEX You got it all figured out, don't you? ELLEN Green is rumored to have purchased film rights. DIANE To the extent permitted by law, the undersigned hereby expressly waives any so- called “moral rights” as author of the material. MITCHELL {t's what | want, | don't want any more bullshit in my life | don't want to lie to myself | want to be with you | don’t know what that means, but — | saidsomething — in this meeting this afternoon, | mean something you just say to get what you want, but once | said it - It was like — It all didn’t feel 80 awful. ALEX What did you say? MITCHELL I said | was — (unable to say) So, look, are you up to maybe tonight doing the stuff | mentioned and seeing what happens? ALEX I don't know. There's no place for food in that schedule of yours. ELLEN And | look over at “slow and wide’s” paper and the picture is just of Mitchell Green, but on his right my left shoulder is a hand. MITCHELL We can grab a bite after the show. ALEX | don't know -- ELLEN Like a hand warmly and intimately on his shoulder, a little too close to the neck, ALEX | don't know if this is what I want. ELLEN The hand, no doubt, of his “bud.” _ MITCHELL Neither do |, But I'm leaving myself open to it for the first time to maybe be happy. ELLEN And on the wrist of that hand— ALEX I know what you mean ELLEN A perfect little braided bracelet MITCHELL So what the fuck Let's try something.DIANE In perpetuity, in all languages and to the end of time ~ MITCHELL, Lets try something with each other. DIANE And around the world. ALEX Happiness, huh? Jeez. | don't know. DIANE. And throughout the universe. ELLEN And | know everything. And | feel nothing. Relieved, maybe. Maybe even happy. DIANE Well gentleman, it looks as if we're all happy. Lets take a fifteen-minute break and we'll sort this all out on our return. END OF FIRST ACTACT TWO DIANE is in her chair. In an LA restaurant at lunch. DIANE Act two, the second act. Again, | apologize for doing this over the phone, but | had to get back to LA - Yes I'm in LA, Mitch is stil in the city. Decided to stay. | don't know what got into him. You should call him, he'd love to get together with you. I'm here, back in LA, in a restaurant and it turns out that lo and behold | am alone, Normally this would be a horror being alone in a restaurant filled with so much industry, but | just keep getting compliments and congratulations from people as they pass. And | have to tell you | am feeling awfully regal. They are excited about your movie being a play. There is a lot of excitement, and if not, there is a lot of resentment, which is even better. Now the second act of your play, I'm not going to tell you how to write this. You must know that in the theater, second acts tend to start off with a bang, an event or a recap. Or a reminder to tum off cell phones. Now, we don't have a problem with cell phones in the theater in this town. We've simply stopped doing theater all together. Choices were made. Where was I? Oh right, not telling you how to write. Now we've got to turn your second act into a second and third act. My rule of thumb is that in the first act you put your people in a tree, in the second act you throw stones at them while they're in the tree, and in the third act take them down from the tree. Now what I love, amongst the many things | love about your play, is that your tree is happiness. Lights up on ALEX ALEX I never did overnights before, | mean with a guy, before this guy. And with him it's always overnights. And you can get so much money for them, right? You can get like.two grand for an overnight. Cause like in terms-of intimacy, like having sex with someone is nothing compared to spending a whole night with someone like asleep. DIANE | mean you really are on the precipice of something awfully awfully profoundish, no really. Lights down on DIANE ALEX 1am in bed next to Mitchell and it is morning, for like the third morning in a row and he’s asleep and I'm pretending to be asleep I'm really good at pretending to.be asleep. It’s almost as tough to pretend to be asleep as it is to pretend to have an orgasm, which is tough for a guy. | mean think about it. Mitch snores a little. Not like a chain saw but a litle rumble once in a while. And when he does it, it makes me feel good, what's that about? Oh God, am I gay? | don’t want to be fucking gay. Everybody has something on you when you're fucking gay. I'm not gay, I'm ~ I just feel gay. I've slept with upwards like a hundred guys, didn't feel gay. | hear some guy snoring. | get giddy. 'm gay. Gay as a goose. Gay, gay, gay. What am |, gay or something? I don't want to be freaking gay. So I'm not If tumed out to be gay, every little fucking thing | would do would be like of such importance. | think I want to get married — whoa whoa ~ call the press! Everybody get on TV and scream at each other! Gay. What a stupid fucking sounding word, gay. It means like happy. They use it in old songs. | don’t think they use it cause it's such a good word, but ‘cause it rhymes with a lot of other words; gay, hay, may, nay, say, oy vey, I'm so gay today. Lights up on MITCHELL asleep next to ALEX. MITCHELL | can't believe the alarm hasn't gone off yet. | must have been awake for ten minutes pretending to be asleep. Kid over here is pretending to be asleep too but he is doing a terrible job of it. Poor guy. Must be tearing himself up inside. What's going on here. I wonder what's going through his mind? ALEX Ray, way, bay, lay — MITCHELL Sweet kid. Could | live with this guy? Where would we live? ALEX | can't be gay. | have sex with women, ! don't like clothes so much and in a movie sf someone even looks like they're going to sing, I'm just embarrassed for everybody. MITCHELL What kind of house would.we have? Who.would our friends. be? It's not like I'm — homosexual isn’t a thing, it's a description Like it’s not a noun, t's an adjective. Like a homosexual act. Like I'm a person and |, occasionally, when no one is. looking, do a homosexual act. With this guy. | have homosexual feelings. | wonder if he'd be up to pretending to be a personal assistant? Alex, remember you are my personal assistant. Don't let your hand rest on my hip when I'm talking on the red carpet. I bet you I could. | bet you | could make this work. | ike this, this time of day. In the morning being all alone, like in your thoughts but being with someone who is alone with his thoughts. Alone together. ALEX Pay, OK, fey,Lights up on ELLEN, at the front door of ALEX's apartment. ELLEN Oh. Hello. Mr. Santiago-Domingo ~oh-oh. Alex isn’t here right now. He should be back ... actually three days a go, actually but — (realizing the land-lord barely speaks English) Alex no esta aqui. Soy nombre es Ellen. Ellen es un Amiga de Alex y — do you people say crash in your land? | am crashing here. Si, crashing. Crashing and burning more likely. I'm just kinda sort getting it together here, I'm — in pursuit of happiness. It's in the "Declaration of Independence’. No, | know, green card studies, so on it, right? Like what kind of eighteenth century notion is that I'm burdened with? You don’t have to answer that Senor Santiago-Dominigo. Alex will come back to el abuelo - god | hope that's right — and | wil tell him that you were ~ Oh, rent? Well — actually | could pay — I'm staying — crashing here for a spell so — (opens purse and looks in) you don't take plastic by any chance, do you? Excelente! Here — you know? No, here. (hands him a card) Here, use this card. ALEX Bray, pray. Dismay — ELLEN No, that's me. Arthur Llewellyn-Smyth, uh, t'm in the middle of gender reassignment surgery. {indicating her breasts) I know, they're good, huh? Los Chi chi's bonitas and the critics rave. Yeah, I'm in pursuit of happiness. ALEX Tray, ole, all-day. Lights up on DIANE. DIANE And that's how we'll begin our second act, Lights down on DIANE and ELLEN, lights up full on ALEX and MITCHELL in bed together. The alarmgoes off, MITCHELL turns itoff, ALEX sits up and slides on HIS boxers and gets out of bed. ALEX I should go. MITCHELL | should get going too. Got like a ton of errands, too. You? ALEX Work, MITCHELL Ahhh. ALEX Don't ahh me, man. MITCHELL Not. Just ... Ahhh. ALEX What? MITCHELL | mean even you have to admit — after spending three or four days together, just the idea that you're going to go off and have sex with a bunch of other men is ~~ you know —- not un-odd. ALEX No, it is not un-odd. But what would | do for money? MITCHELL [make a ton af money. .| can, you-know, give you some.. I'd-do-that for a friend. ALEX ‘And what? Oh, | get to be like Hollywood pool boy. The kept boy. Mr. Green's assissssstant. MITCHELL God. No. Stop that. I never said ~ I never even thought that. You must have low self esteem. ALEX A prostitute with low self-esteem. What'l they think of next?MITCHELL Don't say that about yourself. You know, if you wanted, I could — | have friends, who hire people for jobs of like of the legitimate variety. Like | could call them and they could hire you. ALEX That should end in tears. MITCHELL It’s uhm your call, So uhm — today, how many — ALEX Clients? MITCHELL And the euphemisms fly. ALEX Three, no four. Two uncles today. Two plain. MITCHELL Pleasant. ALEX Why? You want me to quit? MITCHELL ‘can't tell you ~ it's not my place to tell you. Or ask you. Do you want too, at all? ALEX The question was what do you want? MITCHELL What time do you think you'd be done? Around. ALEX. Did you want to see me ~ later? MITCHELL. God, talking to you, it’s like sewing a button on cottage cheese. Yes. I would Like to see you later. | guess, sure. ALEX Well | should get back home, run some quick errands Pay rent. Ellen might be there. | think she's kind of taken over — MITCHELLAhh. Uh huh. Ellen is your girlfriend, ALEX I don't have a girlfriend. MITCHELL And will you -- will Ellen - be number ... five? ALEX OK. MITCHELL What? ALEX OK. MITCHELL What? ALEX OK, can I just say, OK. I see what you're doing here, OK? | mean you're hemming and hawing your way around the whole "being open to being happy and being content” thing. And | admit I'm all for it, But the thing of it is there's going to come a time when you'te going to say “! just want to be with you and you to just be with me and -- MITCHELL I think we are getting so far ahead — ALEX And | won't be able to do that. Or feel it. Because that part of me was torn down. You know, dismantled. So that there could be this magnificent structure which stands-before you. MITCHELL : Only do what you what you want to do. We're just two guys hanging out. ALEX Are we? MITCHELL Sure. Maybe. But like tomorrow are you free all day? | don’t mean like free like no money, | mean free like open and available Like it’s just the two of us tomorrow, right? ALEXSo far. MITCHELL So far. It's kinda hard to make plans around “so far’. ALEX OK. Tomorrow | will be with you all day. | will have sex with four men today to pay rent and then | will meet my ex-girlfriend and we willl not touch the parts that are different then | will come back here and | will spend the night with you and then spend all of tomorrow with you. There. MITCHELL | mean if you're up for it, if you want to, I'm not saying anything here but - (ALEX stops HIM by kissing HIM) ALEX Why do you even have an agent? You're a really good negotiator. You got me to think about giving up my livelihood and about giving up my pre-existing personal life - and you've put nothing of yours on the table. Hell, you haven't ‘even brought anything up, have you? (A quick kiss) MITCHELL I don't know what you're talking about. ALEX smiles, then exits. DIANE is on speakerphone in HER office, MITCHELL is in his hotel room, DIANE, Mitch. MITCHELL Diane. DIANE Darling Dear heart. Angel mine. Is there -- are we having some kind of communication problem? Is there something in the way that | speak that is unclear -- in any way? MITCHELL, don't — what are you —DIANE s there some hidden self-destructive streak which lurks underneath your bravura? MITCHELL You're talking in riddles. DIANE Do you hate me? Is that it? The way I suppose gay men probably hate women unless they're in a black and white movie and ‘suffering majestically. | was on the phone this afternoon, speaking with he meaning him and | said, "Oh, have you Seen much of Mitchell?” He meaning him responds with a bright and cheery, and, let's say it - swishy ~ “Oh, yes. We just had a double date last night. My lover -” God I hate that word. Is there another word in the English language, please? “My lover and | had drinks with Mitchie.” Mitchie? “Mitchie ... and his sweet young “friend”, Alex.” “Friend”. “Friend”. | could sense the quotation marks transcontinentally. “Friend.” MITCHELL Now, Diane listen to me, DIANE You listen to me. We are investing money into a property that will fill he common woman with lust and fill the common man with envy. My problem is that if you start walking around with your “friend” over there. You will not inspire lust in ‘common women and every common man will feel superior to you. MITCHELL So what if | have a “friend”? Maybe I'll be a famous actor with a “friend? DIANE Are you British? Are you knighted? If not, shut up. MITCHELL Goddamn it, Diane,_I'm happy. .'m-content when |'m-with this guy, 'm—is.it so. fucking hornble if — DIANE, fa perceived straight actor portrays a gay role in a feature film, it's noble. it's a stretch. It's the pretty lady putting on the fake nose and winning an Oscar. if an actor with a “friend” plays a gay role it's not acting, it's bragging, MITCHELL Oh, so this picture won't get made — DIANEAbout homos? Not at the studio, Not for the money they've just spent. They might send it down to their art house division, MITCHELL And that's so bad? DIANE |! will not stand in the way of this picture being made but, that said — (not in African American Slave dialect) Oh, massa, don’t sends me down to the boutique division, | starves there! MITCHELL ''m just — | can’t take all this out of ~ 'm just trying to carve out alittle life here for myself and — I need to go. DIANE Mitch, don't hang up on me. MITCHELL, I'm sorry ~ I'm — don’t pick on me. I'm fighting for my life. DIANE And who isn't, Angel mine? Let me tell you a story. Don't hang up on me. When | Was first an agent, a junior agent, ! packaged my first film — all of it, source material, writer, actors, cinematographer, producers, everything. And | had a meeting with this director. As a last minute precaution | brought along a lawyer, a nobody flunky from legal to help us through the finer points. And. (SHE almost cries at the memory, but sucks it up) And all through this meeting with said director, said director never looked at me, never spoke to me, never acknowledged my existence. | was, by his estimation a bimbo. A ... piece of ass. And he spoke only to the lawyer. | did not exist Yesterday, in this office. Said director is here, in this office. To get the job of our movie. And | exist. And he looks me in the eye. And | am not a piece of ass. And fe begs me for the job to direct this film, not in so: many words — but the eyes, they'te begging. And he says tome, "C'mon. Diane. We have history.” History. He Is asking me.to believe in the reinvention of our past. History. This is where we are in our lives. Now. There were eight thousand times in that story | just told when | could have shouted out, "HELLO, AM A PERSON AND YOU ARE IGNORING MEW" but I didn’t. Even at the end when | was on top. And that’s how one wins. By shutting up. You can win. And all you have to dois shut up, Don't say anything. MITCHELL Then ! won't say anything. DIANE Thank youMITCHELL And we'll do the picture the ‘way you want, the big way. DIANE Thank you, my love, thank you. MITCHELL But I'l have a “friend”, And it's nobody's business. DIANE You're — we're splitting hairs here. MITCHELL, Diane? DIANE Don't ~ MITCHELL ' have to think of myself this once. DIANE You're a movie star, you think of yourself constantly. This friend, this thing with this Alex, this is a nothing, this is. Hardly worth talking about MITCHELL | think 'm headed towards a relationship with this guy and — DIANE You're in a relationship with him right now, you just don’t know it, You also don't know that it will be over soon. I'm your friend, I can tell you these things. MITCHELL ‘Maybe | don't know what I've got, but with this guy, Alex, we seem to have something maybe, and. don’t you.ever want more than what you have? DIANE. Professionally? Constantly. Personally? Who's got the time? MITCHELL Maybe | want a little of both. DIANE | strongly advise against this. MITCHELL| think — and | can’t believe this as I'm saying this — | think | want to be with him. DIANE You do so against my advisement. MITCHELL Then maybe — DIANE Please don't “Then maybe”. MITCHELL Well, maybe — DIANE No “wells”, no “thens”. | love you, I've given my life to you, think what you're doing. MITCHELL Don't make this harder — and this is hard, OK? | think I just need time to sort all this out. DIANE Jam begging you. And I am not a beggar, you know that. MITCHELL | think maybe we should — DIANE Don't do this! MITCHELL Explore the possibility of exploring separate interests. MITCHELL and DIANE are gone. ELLEN opens the door, itis ALEX. ELLEN Oh hi. Come in. To your own house Make yourself at home. Oh right you are. Never mind, ALEX Hey. ELLENHi. | mean hey. ALEX So, you're hanging out here. ELLEN Well, you said before I could stay here for however long | wanted, | know that was before -- I'll leave, | mean if you want me to. ALEX No, stay it's fine. It’s cool. | like it. It's nice to have you here. Stay as Jong as you want. ELLEN Really? ALEX Sure, stay. ELLEN Well thanks. You know? ALEX You're welcome. ELLEN And I'm not completely useless either. | did some laundry, of your dirty things. At the laundrymat. | did that for you. ALEX, Thanks. ELLEN | paid this month's rent for you. ALEX You didn’t have to.do that. ELLEN You know, I'm here. The landlord was here. You weren't here. ALEX I'l pay you back, ELLEN Letme | could do rent while I'm here Actually Arthur is He made the mistake of leaving me with one of his charge cards before he dumped meALEX You're mad. ELLEN Doin’ what I can, ALEX So, Arthur's really over, huh? ELLEN Over. So over. Over so long ago, It doesn't even hurt. ALEX And Westchester? ELLEN So not a real option. So. | mean another thing I did? | like, ! bought foodstuff for inside the fridge here — it no longer looks like what | imagine a stewardess’s apartment's fridge would look like. You have a larder now, in case anybody asks you. ALEX You been busy. ELLEN Kinda sorta, not at all, Got all fetal and wombish and not movingly for the longest time — finally got it together to get up and walk around non-colonial Williamsburg, (ELLEN takes off HIS jack and holds HIM from behind and says very quietly:) I missed you. ALEX God, you gotta let me breathe. ELLEN Says who? God, it's been so long, | don't.even know if I'm still. formatted for you. You're never here anymore. ALEX I've been staying with some friends, ELLEN Really, who? ALEX Just, you know, friendsELLEN Alex, we don’t have friends we are both far too snotty for that. ALEX New friends, I've developed new friends. ELLEN Alex. ALEX Sorry, what? ELLEN Alex. Just ~ Alex. OK? ALEX | don’t know what ELLEN Alex. | know alll about you and Mitchell Green. ALEX I don’t know ~ ELLEN Don't you dare fucking lie to me. You're with Mitchell Green now. (Long pause) ALEX So. How did you figure that out? ELLEN Because | have eyes in my head that work. | saw a picture of you two ina magazine. And you asked about him. So | saw the look in your eyes when you were talking about him. So. So, you have a rich money bag who for the first time is attractive. So hooray, take him for all he's worth. Whatever. ALEX Sure. Right. ELLEN Js that what you're doing? ALEX | don’t know, yeah Sure. Maybe. ELLENYou are so wise. Or what you could do, cause he’s such a closet case, you could shake him down for money. | mean we could threaten to go to some tabloids and we could have a little scheme worked up. Make some cash. Shake him down. Take the money and run type scenario. Go move to some place on a beach. ALEX | don’t think so. ELLEN Why not? It would be fun. ALEX Because it sounds kinda evil. And that doesn’t sound like us. We've been a lot of things in the past, but we haven't been evil. | mean too much. ELLEN Oh. OK. Fair enough. (looks at HIM for a moment) | didn't think you were shaking him down anyway. | was testing you. Like a test of the emergency broadcast system. (walks away, a brief pause) You're in love with him, anyway, aren’t you? ALEX | mean just, what is this world that you function under? I mean people are either there to be taken advantage of or are there to give you fulfillment? That's just completely borderline behavior there. I don’t know what me and Mitch are about, we're just ~ | found somebody nice who is here in this city for a finite amount of time, so - We're just hanging out. ELLEN Right. Sorry. I'm sorry. Listen to me. I'm like some vile villainess or something. ALEX You're not. - ELLEN. : 1am. Igo so bitchy so fast. Change my name to the Netherlands cause | get dark so fast. isn’t that what Lady Dementia used to say? ALEX Yeah she did. A lot. | miss her. ELLEN Miss her so much | miss so much. “You are just Miss miss’, Lady Dementia used to say. Miss miss | miss us, too kinda. And | should, right? | feel—we're over, right? We're done with?(ALEX walks over and kisses HER gently on the lips ands says very quietly:) ALEX 1am so sony. (SHE looks as if SHE is about to cry and then smiles and nods HER head) ELLEN | thought so. I figured. ALEX You can stay here as long as you want. ELLEN Thanks. We'll be friends then, right. | mean you're up for that? ALEX Totally. ELLEN And we'll— we will be friends. We always probably were in the first place. It's just we looked so impossibly good together, every one was under our spell. Even us. Well me. ALEX That's a good way to put it. ELLEN OK, good, then we will. Put it that way. For like future press releases and such. ALEX You are insane. And you are my best friend. So there... ELLEN We are right? Best friends. And best friends getto-be so-up in-each others-lives, “so. So we'll still be together. So there, ALEX So there. ELLEN So And Mitchell Green? ALEX Yeah? ELLEN You guys are ... hanging out then?ALEX Right. ELLEN On a scale of one to ten. How big is he? ALEX Ihave a ribald best friend. ELLEN No, is he nice? What's he like? ALEX Well, he's good looking. ELLEN Duh. Big head movie star thing going on there? ALEX Not so much. ELLEN Well that’s good. ALEX He's funny, he cracks jokes about a lot of stuff, And kind. And smart, he’s read a lot and knows a lot from talking to noteworthy people, | guess. And pretty nice and pretty centered about most things, but you know, just damaged goods enough to keep it interesting. ELLEN And was he like a hetero before he met you, and then saw your overall prettiness lust got seduced by you into doing the activities that makes Jesus weep. I'm just assuming, being Jewish here. .. ALEX U think, he didn’t think that much about it. Like me, kind of. But then, but now we're wit it happen, good or bad to kind of define it for us. What the hell, he doesn't even [ve hete, he'll go back to LA for some movie or something and that will be that, I'm sure’ Single tear. ELLEN Single tear, ALEXYou'll meet him some time. He's not — he’s — he's nicer than you'd expect. ELLEN ''m sure. Listen, there's something | have to tell you ~ don't know the subtle way to bring it up, so I'm just going to come out — with it. I went to the doctor's yesterday. ALEX Unless the next sentence is and it turns out he’s Jewish and single, | think this ride is about to get so scary. ELLEN Silly Alex. No. It's not so bad. But, you know, a complication to be sure. I went to the doctor and —do you remember the night, | think it was the night you first asked me about Mitch and we had sex — ALEX Sure, | - Oh my God. ELLEN And for the whatever of the moment, we didn’t use protection. ALEX Oh shit. Lights down on ALEX and ELLEN and up on DIANE. On the phone. DIANE Now | love the draft. | think in the chronology, filmography, unauthorized biography of the first draff, this will go down, in flames, as one of the biggies. It is wondrous and by that | mean, | only have.a few-notes. 'm wondering, because We both want to see this picture made. And now that Mitchell's involvement is -- let's say a:soft involvement. I'm wondering if we might be.able to interest you in in order to plow it through the studio and make sure that they HAVE to make this. picture, If you'd — we ~ we'd like to build up the role of the woman, the manipulator and thief, soften her up and make her more of a ... love interest for ur protagonist. And let's tone down the boys a litte bit, we want this to play multiplexes .. Right, | don't think that's appropriate to bring up ... Great .. Look. Don't play the “I-gave-my-word” game with me, things have changed! | am trying to get this picture made, | am not the enemy, I'm on your side, believe it or not, you Fine. Well. Then we'll have another writer take a quick pass over the script. That's in your contract and you signed it -- stop being a martyr. Oh calm down, St Francis of the Sissies It's in your contract, we have the nght to do another draft with someone else, you can read your contract, and -- fine, call yourlawyers. They'll tell you the same thing. And they'll charge you for doing i. Knock yourself out. Be naive, be moral, and watch your movie not get made!! Lights down on DIANE and up on ELLEN and ALEX. ELLEN It's not as bad as — ALEX Oh fuck, you have AIDS. You have AIDS because I have AIDS and fuck — | have AIDS, What is Mitch gonna do with me? Fuck, | gave Mitch AIDS. Oh fuck. ELLEN Would you shut the fuck up? Maybe just for five seconds this isn't about you or Mitch. Maybe it’s about me. And | don’t have AIDS. It’s not about that. Im pregnant. ALEX Oh my -- you're kidding? ELLEN 'know, as a dilemma it's just so ... period. ALEX How — | mean how far along are you? ELLEN Just a coupla weeks. ALEX What do you want? | mean to do? ELLEN "don't think | have much of a choice. I-mean,;| have a choice, thank you, but then i haven't checked the blogs this morning, but 'm assuming I still have a choice, but - {dont don't know that | have a.chaice. | mean I should just, you know, get it taken care of. ALEX Vi help you — how much — ELLEN How many money bags can you do in a day? ALEX |-Ihave to help you We're in this situation together.ELLEN Well. That's very .... grown up of you. We're grown-ups now. Suppressed yawn. ALEX Suppressed yawn. ELLEN | fucking hate my life. ! don't want to be poor, knocked up, sitting in some cheap-o clinic -- | want -- | just want to be a kid for like fucking ever and have fun. Fun. ALEX tH — I'l help you out. ELLEN That's nice, sweetness, but — ALEX | got you into this mess, the least | can do is — help you. ELLEN ‘Sweetness, you can’t afford it. Neither can |. Not even together. | want to go to a real doctor — one set up by my doctor. When it comes to surgical procedure | don't skimp — I'm fussy that way. I'll have to go to Soreecher and act ail, you know, tragic figure, well not so much a tragic figure more like a tragic figurine, but — ALEX No. I'll. could. I'l. III go to Mitch, then. DIANE enters. DIANE (Reading from a tabloid) “Mitchell Green straightens out his new role.” cee ELLEN. - Seaaa Oh sweetness, wrong answer. DIANE. (reading from another trade) “Mitchell Green decides not to have gay old time —- role may change" ALEX To borrow. I've never asked anything from him. ELLEN Please — ALEXI'll ask him like around four, that’s when his clipping agency sends over all these articles that mention him, he's usually in a great mood. DIANE (reading from a gay paper) “Green buys play then decides not to do it, what's he hiding?" Lights down and DIANE and up on MITCHELL. They remain on ALEX and ELLEN. ALEX walks over MITCHELL. MITCHELL Goddamn it, Diane ~ what is she doing? Is she getting revenge on me cause I said [might consider going somewhere is she forcing me to come out — what is cha Pid you see this Ally? Or is she pushing me into the waters so Ill see how people react? Did you see the level of — | don’t know, bating that she’s doing. She's got Poor he meaning him like having to go to the trades, the gay press and act all ertimy about being asked to turn the gay characters straight ~- which is only going 'o have everybody asking me now if 'm straight or gay or ~ she's not thinking. ELLEN Don't. ALEX That's terrible, stupid of her even. But if you ~ I'l bet if you say nothing, they go away. MITCHELL wouldn't be so sure. She should ~- she shouldn't play hardball with someone like him meaning him — he’s got like morals and integrity. And they've made him bitter and snippy. z ALEX Could:| ~ uhm ~ talk to you for'a sea? ELLEN Please don't. MITCHELL Sorry Ally. (THEY kiss, lightly easily) How're things, buddy ? ALEX Fine, good Could | just float something past you?MITCHELL Sure, what is it? ALEX You know I've been really good about, ike n you are so far above me in the earning part. MITCHELL You've been too good actually, what? ALEX Listen, I've never asked for anything from you, but. Could I have a little loan, | mean till get the next couple of paychecks? | will pay you back so fast. MITCHELL (absently, more interested in the paper) ‘Sure buddy, how much? ‘ot asking you for favors, even though ALEX Like five grand? MITCHELL (looks up from the paper) Wow. That's a lot — (looks in ALEX’s eyes, and smiles) Sure, you want a check or should | just get cash from the ATM or (goes back to his paper) ALEX Cash is fine. MITCHELL ‘Sure. It's a loan, no sweat. aoe ELLEN Ifyou could do it like that, that would be — MITCHELL Great. | used to get behind sometimes, too. Needed help to catch up. ELLEN Great. Just whatever you do, don't feel compelled ALEX Actually. Mitch. Buddy, can you look away from the bad stuff for a while and just —MITCH (All attention) Sorry sorry, What's up, Ally? ELLEN Or obligated, just don't say what it's for. ALEX I'm not behind, | don’t need to catch up. This money is for my friend Ellen. She — she got herself into trouble. MITCH Oh, my God. What is it? ELLEN Make something up, anything. MITCH That was rude to ask, sorry you don't have to tell me. ALEX She's pregnant. ELLEN Cause once that gets dropped. MITCHELL Oh. And. Oh. ELLEN His mind is going to start racing. MITCHELL Wow, that’s wow. -- .-(HE's hurt by this, HE starts to look at HIS paper) — ELLEN. Please don't do it, not for me. It's gonna sour stuff and he'll just rol! things over and ‘over in his mind. Don't bring it up at all ELLEN is gone MITCHELL And are you - who is the father — who got her into this situation? 1 mean the man part ALEX Me.MITCHELL Are you — you're sure? ALEX ompletely sure. Ellen had a boyfriend at the time, but he was old and they didn’t have sex. So | was the only one who — yeah, it's mine. I mean, |did it. MITCHELL Well. OK. Jeez. When you cheat, you cheat big. ALEX jcidn't cheat on anybody. What does that mean? Cheat big —do you like even have a passing understanding of how the female body works. When | slept with Ellen ~ it happened way way before you told me to — before I volunteered to ney sleep with her. | didn’t just go and impregnate her this afternoon!. MITCHELL ight right, 'm sorry. | just ~ 'm under a lot of pressure, and | was looking forward to having, just some part of my life that wouldn't be rough on me. That wouldn't ~ | feei like there are all these hands grabbing at me, ripping at me. Diane, He meaning him, the press, and now I feel like it’s like you — you know, I mean like hands with sharp fingers like claws and you and your little friend Elien are ripping at me and laughing. At me. It's not fair. ALEX Ellen isn't my litle friend, and we never ever have laughed. At you, or at us. MITCHELL How can I believe you? | can't believe you, you're like — ALEX youcan believe me. Because !— I'm here, you know, fm here. And | don't take things from you, | try to give you stuf, ite emotional things. © MITCHELL Except for now. ALEX {Ts is an emergeney. And | am not claws, 'm not — what do the eagles have — talons, I'm not talons ripping at you. I'm Just here because —}—| want to be here with you. MITCHELL ‘You know what I'm going through ~ I haven't sorted stuff out and — ALEXStop talking. Mitch, you don't have to sort anything out with me. | don't care what your sexual preference is or who you've been with in the past —| don't even care who you fucking voted for ~ 1 am having a relationship, Alex is having a relationship with you, jump on in anytime, OK? MITCHELL Why? Why do you want ail this? Why should | trust you? ALEX Because, |— MITCHELL Here | am — stepping out on a limb. And for what? For a— ALEX Stop it! 'm sorry | even brought up the money thing at all MITCHELL Don't worry. You'll get your money. ALEX Oh. Fuck you! Don't play that hustler money attitude things with -- You don’t like what | do — then get the nerve together to ask me to stop! MITCHELL ‘Shut up! ALEX You act like | betrayed something when — what is it? What did | betray? You don't even have the balls to say what we're feeling for each other! MITCHELL |! don’t know what you're talking about. ALEX You know what I'm talking about. You always know what I'm talking about. What's going on between us, what we're feeling! MITCHELL. I don't want to hear it! ALEX You wanna know what | feel about you? | —- MITCHELL {holding back tears)Just shut up! It's like | have this image of what | could be, what | want. And | like you better but you're getting in the way of everything and -- What's going on? My life was going so well and now — what's going on? I'm all alone, | have no one. ALEX (moving to comfort Mitchell) You have more than you think. You have me. OK? I'm here. MITCHELL |— Til have — I'm going to talk to Diane, she's — she'll help me out of this mess she’s gotten me into, and you've gotten me into. Diane — Diane solves problems — DIANE appears. DIANE Diane solves problems. MITCHELL ‘That's what she does. DIANE Diane solves problems. MITCHELL Diane solves problems. MITCH’s — hotel room, MITCH is there with ELLEN and ALEX. DIANE walks in. Well, that was only a struggle. That was only a journey up the hill with a cross. | am here. I've lost poor him meaning hima thousand times.on the.cell. PS. | flew business, such is the level of my concer. MITCHELL Diane. (They hug) DIANE No more fights? MITCHELL No more fightsDIANE No more fights. {looks around the room) Well it appears I'm the odd man out. Everyone knows one another but me. MITCHELL | just met Ellen for the first time. ELLEN Hi. DIANE Aren't you a cutie? Isn't she a cutie? Such a doll baby — and I'm getting the Party girl vibe from you, too, am I right? Mitch, could we have something to nibble on, small sandwiches, nuts, crudite? MITCH Fruit cut and laid out in a kind of cascade? DIANE Could we, daddy, just this once? (MITCH goes to the phone. DIANE looks at ELLEN) Ellen, you are so adorable. (DIANE looks at ALEX) And look at my lite Alex. like for you coloring — I love your hai | think we're ready to talk. (MITCH gets off the phone.) MITCHELL Sorry. They're sending some stuff up. DIANE Let's get dow to cases. Mitch has found himselt in a bit of a sticky situation. | am ...touched ... relieved and very glad that | am in his life to help him sort through these things. (To ELLEN) Now | understand that you find yourseff in an unfortunate, delicate predicament And | also understand the reason you are in this situation is because of -- oh, that’s not good English is it? Is due to — Well, that's not much better. Well basically, Mitch's boyfriend got you pregnant ELLEN you in clothing. It suits you. That shirt is perfect ir it reminds me of Mitch. Mitch get off the phone, UmALEX That's not exactly ~ DIANE (To ALEX) Did you get her pregnant? Are you Mitch's boyfriend? ALEX | got her pregnant. And Mitch and I are — we're DIANE if you find me not speaking the truth, anyone, please stop me. So Ellen, you're pregnant and Mitch is going to pay for you to have an abortion, because he has taken the responsibility for the actions of his lover. Again, any untruth here, stop me in my tracks. (MITCHELL, ELLEN and ALEX all look very hurt and embarrassed) Well then, that's settled. | have here a cashier's check for ten thousand dollars. | left it blank, so that you can fill in your name. You can take this to any bank and they'll give you cash. All you need is two forms of ID and to sign the back. (SHE produces a sealed envelope) ‘And then you can have your abortion. And not in a back alley. (SHE holds the envelope out for ELLEN to take. ELLEN thinks for a moment, looks at the envelope, and slowly reaches for it. DIANE pulls the check away) May | just say something for a moment? At this particular juncture in any business transaction, | always say to the table, “Is everyone happy?” It seems simple, almost child-like, but if you want everyone to leave the table happy, | find it best just to. come right out and ask it. Is everyone happy? Are you happy Ellen? ELLEN |... um... sure. I'm ecstatic. I'm skipping around the room with joy. DIANE You have an edge, | like that. A comedy edge. Edgy comedy. So, what would make you happy? ELLEN For all of this to be over. Without this is in my life, | am happy enough. Anything other than that, it's not an option, may we please move on? DIANE Just for the sake of discussion, just so we know where we all are. If you were happy, what would you have? ELLEN | would have this baby . and | would have money, and | would have a beautiful home, and | would have Alex as a friend and | would have fun all the time and may I now have my check please?DIANE Mitch? MITCHELL | don't think there's anything in that lite black bag for me. DIANE What do you want? MITCHELL, | want you to give the check to this nice young lady and to stop being cruel, DIANE if 1 may speak for Mitch, Mitch would like to be a movie star. Mitch would like to be famous. Mitch would like to make millions upon millions of dollars. Mitch’s dream is to be everyone else's dreams. And the thing about dreams is, is that dreane aren't always healthy, but nevertheless everyone has them MITCHELL Thanks for the pep talk. Can you just give Ellen the goddamn check so we can get this over with? DIANE Of course. Of course. And you. Darling little Alex, so cute I could eat you up. What would you like? To make you happy. ALEX This is like a party game for mean people. DIANE Tick tock tick tock. ALEX ! would like Mitch not to be mad at me. would. like to-stiltbe with him, F would Tike ey DIANE Big dreams now. ALEX {don't know, give up hustling, have a family some day, laugh all the tme and keep Ellen as my friend. And I would like my step-father to drop dead from a heart attack. Why are you doing this? DIANEAngel mine. If 've learned anything from all those meetings and asking people what will make them happy, it is that happiness is usually obvious and apparent to the outsider and not so to the people in the room and -- MITCHELL I don't ~ DIANE Mitch you want to be a movie star. You don’t want People to know you're a homosexual. If you were heterosexual, by this point you would have a lovely bride and a child on the way. And at least one franchise to your name. Ellen, you want to have a child and a lovely home and millions of dollars. Alex, you want to be with Mitch, have Ellen as a friend, maybe have a child one day. My suggestion. If Ellen and Mitch were to get married, they would be, by all appearance, an ideal couple. The world would fall in love with them. Soon this beloved couple would have a child together. They would be on magazine cover after magazine cover. The child will be beautiful. The child will look enough like Mitch — I have previously noted the similarity in Alex and Mitchell's coloring -- to be his son. Mitch, you get your franchises and you keep Alex. You just call him a personal assistant or call him a Pilates instructor. ALEX fm not — DIANE Fine. Call him the literary director of your production company. Alex, you no longer have to go down on unattractive strangers. You have a nice little high end job, you get to keep your friend, your child, and *yo’ man,” as the female rappers love to say. Ellen, what you choose to do with your personal life is your business. Just keep it to yourself. Just get married to Mitch and you will have a wonderful, wonderful life. Wealth, ease, celebrity. (Light music begins to play.) Mitch, you get to keep your friend with quotes and you get to be a movie star. You Just have to keep everything with Alex quiet. As we've previously discussed, you are not adverse to being quiet..And,-mean, come-on. You have to admit it was a lot sexier when it was a secret and it was forbidden. The only wrinkle is that in the eyes of the public, Mitch will have left me for you Ellen. But, dumping. partners for the mother of one's child is as current as today's headlines. And it is that little bit of spice that keeps it all from looking too pat. And now, | have to get this call. That ‘music you hear is not an underscore. It's a cell phone call. I's he meaning him and "ve been waiting for him to call me back all day. Now. There’s the check on the table. Think of what I've said. (Into phone as SHE walks off) Well, hello there, you meaning you — (the lights abruptly change, the others are left on stage with their thoughts) MITCHELL For God sake's somebody say something we can't just walk around not saying anythingALEX (Coming in on Mitchell's “somebody’) Don't look at anybody, don’t look at anybody, Don't look, geez you looked, look away. ELLEN (coming in on ALEX’s “anybody’) An activity, are there pencil's to arrange, don't say anything. ALEX Ok. Mitch. You've been a bastard lately, you've been mean. But make it all right. Say no. Say Alex, stop getting paid for sex. Hug me. Kiss me. Say you love me, so | can say it back. Walk out of here with me and — MITCHELL Its so fucked up, this offer, that its — ELLEN ‘Will I have to convert to Scientology? That would anger Screecher that would be good. ALEX Say no. Just— come on man — think of all those things that happened, that used to happen. MITCHELL Itcan't work. It's crazy. ELLEN And what was that party girl crack about? MITCHELL It could work. It’s so ... subversive. ELLEN | will only do this if Alex is up for it. | don't know this other person. This = MITCHELL And Alex — he — there is something — we have. When we touch -- I can't believe he would fucking hurt me ALEX love you, Mitchell, please make this all go away. MITCHELL Even if| asked him to stop, he’s gonna cheat on me Or how soon before one ofhe meaning him's old queen friends is like, “Oh Alex is it, I thought it was Bryan, With a Y?" ELLEN J hate that lesbo and her shoes and her party girl line. ALEX We have something, save it. MITCHELL It’s just over with us, you can feel it. ALEX Hove you I love you | love you — ELLEN ! only do this if Alex is up for this. (the odd lighting is gone, we are back to three people in a room after a bit of silence. MITCHELL (speaking to the room out loud) ie (ALEX looks to him expectantly) | think we should do this. ELLEN It's crazy. MITCHELL I mean it’s so ... we get to win, right? ALEX (clears his throat and says-aloud) : whatever you say, Mitch, Lights down on ALEX, MITCHELL and ELLEN and up on DIANE in the hallway. DIANE Well, hello there, you meaning you Now really if | were you I would steer clear of bitchiness, at your age. We must avoid stereotypes. Yes yes, we were very cunning weren't we? We were a sly little puss. Complaining to the press about the proposed changes in the story. Yes yes. Now unfortunately, what you've done, isthat you've damaged the property. By all the negative publicity. Yes. Oh you're chuckling, good. | So of course. Under contract, if the property is damaged by the previous owner, the purchaser is no longer obliged to continue payment on Schedule. And silence. The day the laughter died. Yes, you no longer own a Property for which you will not be paid. Not the ... shrewdest business move Oh you. When will you lear? You try to be slick, you try to be fast, but don't you know? All that time you spend creating, some one else is spending their time in an office devising ways for you never fo win And here's the killer part. Their office isn’t that bad, it has a nice view, gets plenty of sunlight. So ! want you to fontemplate your windbagging to the press. No one is saying you're not speaking the truth. But the truth has its’ consequences. (SHE hangs up, tums around and sees that ALEX is leaving) | take it you've come to consensus. ALEX Uh yeah, pretty much. We're gonna do. What you said. DIANE ‘Are you ... leaving? ALEX Just to get some air. A soda. A walk, DIANE When people come up with three answers, they're all usually lies. You're really leaving aren't you? ALEX | can't live this way. I can't live with Mitch like — (starts to cry. But stops) DIANE Did you tell him you loved him? - ALEX - - Would it make any difference? DIANE No. So it's a good thing you didn’t tell him. ALEX So, I'm just going to ~ I™m gonna — don't tll them I'm gone. They kind of ~ they're good people really — and they kind of will be good together I guess. Don't tell them til after I've — DIANE Where will you go?ALEX Someplace I've never been before, I guess. DIANE Good call. You'll do well, a new kid on the block. ALEX Maybe I'l give that up. Maybe I'm gonna go, live my life with a little honesty and decency. Integrity. DIANE Very good. And did you take the ... little check on the way out? ALEX (with an embarrased smile, HE produces the envelope) Here, you can — DIANE Open it. (HE does. And smiles) ALEX How did you know how to spell my last name? DIANE | figured you'd be too grand for ail this — (SHE looks at ALEX and stops. And says honestly) You're the one of us that’s ever had it tough. And so you're not afraid of having it The anagain. The rest of us are all... sof. So go. And remember the only thing in life worth remembering. That ~ (HER cellphone plays music again) Actually, | have to take this. ALEX is seated in a plane. ALEX Ona plane Ona plane headed, | forget where. DIANEYou know the type of ending I want. Boys and girls together ... she holds his hand and he holds hers and that’s a very good sign. MITCHELL and ELLEN appear MITCHELL We're so glad to let you be the first to bring your cameras into our home. DIANE The little dog laughed to see such sport and the dish ran away with the spoon, that type of thing, MITCHELL Well, I feel about this house, when Ellen and | bought it, the same way | felt the first time I met Ellen ELLEN Honey, stop it. ALEX Just got to the counter looked up at the board and said the first place | saw. MITCHELL And the same way | felt about this movie | start filming this fall. | say that I left New York with two great things, A great play — that the author has so improved in the screenplay — DIANE The type where people hug and smile and wind up together. MITCHELL zi And a wonderful lady. ae = ' ELLEN Stop it honey, you'll make me blush. ALEX And now. On the plane, the like bosa nova is on the headset. DIANE An ending where the music comes in gently at first. Maybe a sunset, maybe we feel we've already seen that. MITCHELL And well, three things.ELLEN Honey, you said you wouldn't tell — MITCHELL OK? ELLEN OK. We're expecting! MITCHELL We are! DIANE And it's the ending, We're just happy. its MITCH like an ending, days, end of an era, Saying good-bye to my bachelor ELLEN The end of, being a girl and Im so happy. We're Just so. happy. DIANE The ending, ALEX My life is beginning, DIANE We fade to black; the credits not The ending, END