Connect
Engaging in a Positive Social Network of Support
Sean Brotherson, North Dakota State University
Andrew Behnke, North Carolina State University
Wally Goddard, University of Arkansas
Introduction
S
What Connect Looks Like pouses and couples live and love within the context of a larger community of
relationships. These connections, whether represented in the support of caring
� Growing and
in-laws or the engagement of a couple in a faith community, aid in supporting
maintaining extended
and sustaining a couple’s relationship over time. It is within the context of a
family relationships
community of meaningful relationships that couples learn what they value, how
� Being part of a to pursue meaning for themselves as a couple, and offer service to others. Strong
supportive network of
relationships with others can act as knots in a larger “safety net” that provides security
friends
for the couple unit (Beach, Fincham, Katz, & Bradbury, 1996).
� Seeking out resources Couples who face challenges typically do better if they turn to the meaningful
to strengthen your connections in their lives for support, solace, or perspective in managing their
relationship concerns (Amato, Booth, Johnson, & Rodgers, 2007; Karney & Bradbury, 1995). This
� Identifying and reality speaks to a powerful truth about human beings – we need others and they
celebrating sources of need us (Baumeister & Leary, 1995). Belonging, meaning, and support all flow to a
meaning degree through the connections that we develop and share with others. During a
� Engaging jointly period of flooding in the Midwestern United States, many couples faced economic
in community difficulty, stress, and potentially the loss of their homes. They needed help. What
organizations and happened? They reached out to connect with family, relatives, and friends in their
service time of need. Many of them took time for spiritual activities that helped them feel
CONNECT 55
strength from a source outside of themselves. Further, many
of them extended themselves and worked hard to provide
supplies, labor, and a hug of support to others within their
communities. Such is the power of connections.
The connections we forge in life, as individuals and
couples, can become a web of meaning and support that
gives strength to us and also to others. This can lead to a
variety of practical benefits for couples. Meaningful social
connections can provide a support system for couples when
they encounter challenges such as loss of a job or diagnosis
of a serious health issue. Being connected with sources
of meaning beyond themselves can furnish couples with
a source of perspective as they look for happiness or cope
with difficulties. Linkages to others in the community can
open up a network of opportunities to give volunteer service Why Connect Matters to Parenting and Children
or contribute to a worthy cause. Research on marriage
and couple relationships suggests that, in addition to the Parents who make a point to connect with
social support partners receive from each other (Bradbury, other friends, family members, and people
Fincham, & Beach, 2000), varying connections with others in the community are exposing those same
are highly influential in the health and vitality of those connections to their children. When friends/
relationships (Helliwell & Putnam, 2004; Smith, 2010). family notice that a parent is struggling, they can
step in and provide support to both the parent
and children. Children may feel (and be) safer
knowing that they have other adults to turn to in
Engaging Social Support Systems times of need.
Research over the last decade has pointed to the Getting families involved with the greater
importance of connecting with others as an element of community also offers children opportunities
healthy couple relationships (Doherty & Carroll, 2002). to independently engage in activities outside of
Studies have shown that not only individuals, but similarly the home. These activities can provide children
couples, benefit from social connections (e.g., Hansen, with opportunities beyond family life to build
Fallon, & Novotny, 1991; Kearns & Leonard, 2004). More supportive relationships, get away from stresses,
isolated couples tend to have less satisfying and more and care for others.
troubled marriages compared to those with supportive
networks of kinship and friends (Amato et al., 2007).
Greater levels of social integration have also been linked
to improved health behaviors in both husbands and
Though such research has pointed to multiple ways
wives (Wickrama, Lorenz, Conger, Matthews, & Elder,
in which connecting with others can help relationships, it
1997). Overall, “social networks” appear as one of the five
is important to note that couples need not try to connect
previously-identified core maintenance strategies that
in every way discussed below. Some of the specific
promote relationship resilence (Stafford & Canary, 1991).
recommended practices may feel more comfortable than
Social support often improves economic, physical, and
others for different couples. We suggest that couples engage
emotional well-being by offering couples resources that
in those types of social connections that are meaningful for
would otherwise not be available to them. Participating
them.
in supportive friendship relationships as a couple has
positive influences on the couple relationship (Beach et al.,
1996), and such friendships can create outlets for positive Draw Support From a Community Network
recreation and improved psychological and emotional Developing and maintaining healthy couple relationships
well-being (Cohen & Hoberman, 2006; Sullivan et al., 1998). is bolstered by social support and meaningful social
Spouses or partners who perceive meaningful social support engagement with others. Couples who experience greater
from their companions or others are less likely to show social support experience higher quality and more stable
symptoms of depression or anxiety, feel more able to control marriages (Karney & Bradbury, 1995). Just as it has been
stress in their lives, and express greater individual and suggested that “no man is an island,” it is also true that no
relationship satisfaction (Cohen & Hoberman, 2006; Dehle, couple is apart from a community. Ideally, couples belong
Larsen, & Landers, 2001; Lawrence et al., 2008). to a community of support “where every marriage flourishes
56 CONNECT
and where every couple is a giver and receiver of support” ties with extended family members can be a key source of
(Doherty & Carroll, 2002, p. 582). Building meaningful and strength for couples, in particular during times of economic
supportive connections with friends can enable couples or emotional difficulty (Widmer, 2004). Couples need to
to avoid social isolation, reduce stress, and experience discuss their relationships with extended family members
positive interactions with others. For instance, spouses and decide together the level of connection they are most
who are more socially integrated as a couple report higher comfortable with as a couple. Accepted cultural norms
levels of marital satisfaction and protect against declines in will influence an individual’s receptiveness to the amount
satisfaction due to greater financial distress or residing in and nature of the involvement, such as listening to family
more urban areas (Barton, 2013). In recent decades, couples members’ suggestions on managing household tasks or
tend to have fewer and fewer close friendship connections, making family decisions. Couples can cultivate positive
in part due to the influence of media (e.g., time spent on relationships with extended family members through time
the Internet, watching TV, etc.) and the demands of work together at holidays or regular visits, or via telephone or
(McPherson, Smith-Lovin, & Brashears, 2006). Therefore, electronic means.
it may be important for couples to purposefully focus on
devoting effort and time to engaging and building social Attend to Meaningful Relationships
support networks. For example, a struggling young couple In addition, an active awareness of the relationships and
might turn to older friends for sound advice on managing social activities that are meaningful to a partner is helpful in
money together, or a group of couples might benefit from sustaining a couple relationship. Researcher John Gottman
meeting regularly to discuss enriching marital practices or (1999) has referred to such knowledge as the development
go on dates together. For couples, creating a web or safety of a “love map,” or a “part of your brain where you store all
net of support and compassion that can help sustain them the relevant information about your partner’s life” (p. 48).
through hard times can be vital. Research by Gottman and other scholars has shown that
spouses who have a more developed awareness of the
Cultivate Positive Relationships with relationships and social activities important to a partner are
Extended Family Members more sensitive to a spouse’s needs and more supportive
In marriage, it is often said that when marrying the person of their involvement in things meaningful to them. For
one also “marries the family.” Relationships with extended example, a husband who develops this awareness might
family members can have a significant influence on couple recognize that his wife benefits and feels reduced stress
relationships. Extended family members have long been when she goes out with a few friends regularly, and then
shown to influence couple relationships through passing he can be more willing to give her support in pursuing
on expectations about gender roles, extending or limiting such activities. See more information on the benefits of
support for the couple, and contributing to the decisions developing intimate knowledge of a partner’s social world in
made by couples (Dehle et al., 2001; Goetting, 1990). As an the Know chapter.
example, for many Hispanic
couples the extended family’s
emphasis on “familismo” (i.e.,
strong emphasis on family and
community obligations) means
that parents, grandparents,
and siblings may directly
influence everything from
selection of a marital partner
to decisions about where a
couple lives (Rafaelli & Ontai,
2004). Research indicates that
for some couples, extended
family member involvement
that is perceived by one or
both partners as “interference”
can negatively affect the
couple relationship (Bryant,
Conger, & Meehan, 2001).
In contrast, strong, positive
CONNECT 57
Become Aware of and Access Formal
Community Supports
Sometimes couples experience problems within their
relationship that they may feel unable to alleviate
on their own. These situations can range from minor
communication problems to serious mental health
(e.g., depression, suicidal ideation) or abuse situations
(e.g., domestic violence, substance abuse). Some less
extreme situations often can be improved through
marriage education opportunities, couple or family
counseling, or interactions with support groups
(Carroll & Doherty, 2003). In cases of more severe
circumstances, like addictions and situations where an
individual may potentially do harm to self or others,
more intensive supports or interventions are required
(e.g., drug counseling, other expert help). Knowledge
of and participation in these kinds of support services
is often helpful for individual and relational well-being.
Whether it is participation in a couples’ dinner group or
intensive involvement with a counselor, couples who
participate in communities or activities supportive of
their relationship are more likely to resolve concerns
and do well over time.
Cultural Considerations
There is a dearth of relationship and marriage enhancement programs and other social services that are culturally
appropriate. It is important for people from diverse cultures and people who have limited resources to find services
that are a good fit with their cultural values. Many programs and services are based upon research and information
that is relevant for European American and middle-class couples. It is important that individuals and families are
supported in maintaining their cultural heritage because relying upon one’s cultural heritage, the way one’s people
deal with struggles, can help people be resilient and handle problems more effectively (Delgado, 1998; Skogrand,
Hatch, & Singh, 2008).
Indigenous healing may be used by some to address problems and distress. Indigenous healing, or healing that
originates within a culture or society, is healing that was used before Western medicine, and is still used by many
ethnic groups today. These old forms of wisdom rely on the group to help reconnect a person with family or
significant others. Spirituality and religious beliefs are used in healing and the person conducting the healing
ceremony is usually an elder or a community leader (Sue & Sue, 2008). These forms of healing or dealing with
problems, which involve the mind, body, and spirit may take the form of sacred ceremonies used in American
Indian cultures. For example, an American Indian couple may use a sacred ceremony to aid in overcoming a
troubled couple relationship. Diverse ethnic groups have a history of using indigenous healing to solve problems.
Contributed by Dr. Linda Skogrand, Professor and Extension Specialist, Utah State University
58 CONNECT
Being Connected to Sources of In addition, decisions to actively participate in faith or
spiritual communities as a couple reflects a common set
Meaning or Purpose of beliefs and can provide couples with shared practices
Individual spouses and couples who see themselves as part and family traditions that enhance their relationship. Many
of a larger system of meaning tend to feel more positive faith groups or spiritual communities also have clergy or
about their relationships and exhibit greater levels of social support mechanisms that encourage healthy, lasting
commitment (Marks, 2005; Sullivan et al., 1998). Sources of relationships (Marks, 2005). Couples who attend religious
meaning for individuals or couples may help to guide their services together tend to have larger social networks and
attitudes and actions, provide stability and direction, and typically hold more positive perceptions of the quality of
give comfort in times of difficulty. Individuals and couples those social networks (Ellison & George, 1994).
may connect with higher purposes, values, or goals to
strengthen themselves and their relationships. Pursue Common Purposes, Interests, or Goals
While not all families choose to participate in religious
Connect to Sources of Meaning
activities, couples can find strength in shared value systems
Individuals and couples often turn to sources of meaning for that link them together in how they live as a family or serve
healing at times of need, such as when a spouse seeks the in their community (Acitelli, Kenny, & Weiner, 2001). The
counsel of religious leaders or other mentors due to marital pursuit of common dreams or shared couple goals that
difficulties or finds comfort in meaningful family traditions. result from a shared value system is a vital part of a healthy
Individuals who connect with sources of meaning often rely relationship (Olson & Olson, 2000). Couples magnify the
upon such sources in making decisions about family life quality of their relationship when they focus on shared
and interacting with a partner. For example, partners who goals. Engaging together in pursuit of common purposes or
place a high emphasis on the value of commitment may goals helps to provide couples with motivation, direction,
be more willing to overlook a partner’s faults or work hard and meaning. Examples of this practice might include
at overcoming relationship concerns (Wieselquist, Rusbult, planning to reach a shared goal, working together in a
Foster, & Agnew, 1999). community group, or keeping a diary together for their
children in which they reflect on their family’s values.
CONNECT 59
Reaching Out to Others and Smith, 2010; Wilson, 2000). People who participate in
volunteerism gain new skills and opportunities and build
Offering Support social capital (Morrow-Howell, Kinnevy, & Mann, 1999; Smith,
The connections with others run in both directions. While 2010). Service gives an increased sense of personal meaning,
individuals and couples can receive support from others, a self-worth, and control (Luks & Payne, 2001; Mirowsky &
genuine involvement in meaningful relationships suggests Ross, 1989). Helping others outside of one’s close family and
that they also reach out and offer support to others. Helping peer groups encourages individuals to act less out of self-
others seems to increase one’s self-efficacy, self-esteem, interest and develop qualities of altruism that in turn may
and positive affect, sending the message that the individual flow into their close personal relationships (Kulik, 2002).
can indeed make a difference in the lives of those around
them (Mirowsky & Ross, 1989). This in turn can have a very Give Social Support to Other Couples and Peers
beneficial influence on the couple relationship. Some
Whether simply establishing a friendship with a younger
scholars assert that if couples focus exclusively on their own
couple or helping a couple in distress, couples themselves
relationship without regard for the broader community,
are often the best resource for giving social support to other
both they and the community as a whole are deprived
couples. A number of effective couple education programs
(McPherson et al., 2006). Couples likely benefit as they see
involve peer-to-peer networking and support from other
themselves as part of a larger community and take steps to
couples (Hawkins, Carroll, Doherty, & Willoughby, 2004). For
contribute to the well-being of others.
example, older couples in healthy marriages might serve
as mentors to younger couples just entering marriage.
Simple Acts of Service Can Become a Source of
As couples work together in providing support or giving
Significant Strength
of themselves, they may grow closer and deeper in their
For many couples this means reaching out and engaging commitment to one another (Smith, 2010; Stanley et al.,
in their communities through civic groups, neighborhood 2006). Examples of this practice may include sharing helpful
organizations, and others. During the last three decades, resources on marriage with others, talking with a distressed
volunteerism literature has noted the positive effects of friend, or helping facilitate a relationship education class.
voluntary service on individuals and couples (Keyes, 2002;
60 CONNECT
Working with Youth
Emphasize the importance of maintaining
relationships with family members
and friends when in a serious dating
relationship. Note that it is important to
spend time with family members and
friends both with the dating partner and
without the dating partner.
Suggest that listening to the opinions of
respected family members and friends
might be helpful in assessing whether
a dating partner is a good fit, as well as
whether a dating relationship should
continue or become more serious.
This is an opportunity to educate
adolescents about unhealthy, controlling
relationships. If an adolescent has a dating
partner that does not want him or her
connecting with others, and expects the
adolescent to spend all of his or her time
with the dating partner, these are signs of
an unhealthy relationship and possibly one
that will become abusive (Miga, Hare, Allen,
& Manning, 2010; O’Leary & Slep, 2003).
Adolescents should be developing their
own interests and learning what kinds of
community connections work for them.
They then are more likely to find compatible dating partners among individuals who share their
interests.
Provide opportunities for youth to get involved in activities that connect them to the community.
Development of a civic identity during adolescence increases the likelihood that youth will stay
civically engaged during adulthood (Youniss, McLellan, & Yates, 1997). Adolescents who are
engaged in their communities are more likely to develop social networks where they can find
sources of support for different types of needs.
Introduce youth to the value of receiving education and/or counseling support at different points
in their lives for strengthening their relationships. Often adults do not seek outside assistance
for their relationships because they have been taught to believe that it is a sign of weakness or a
source of embarrassment to seek such support. If as youth, however, individuals are taught that
relationship education and counseling are valuable tools that can strengthen a relationship and
help overcome relationship obstacles, they may be more open to seeking the information/support
they need in adulthood.
Contributed by Dr. Jennifer Kerpelman, Professor and Extension Specialist, Auburn University
CONNECT 61
Implications for Practice
� Generate a list of resources available in
your community that you can use to refer
individuals and couples to for additional
support (e.g., counselors, marriage and
family therapists, agencies offering couple
and relationship education workshops, faith-based
organizations). Identify barriers to accessing those
resources (e.g., location, differing relationship values,
trust issues, racial disproportionality) and strategies
for overcoming them.
� Create and/or promote opportunities in the
community that bring couples together and/or
strengthen relationships and marriages. This could
include offering workshops, coordinating community
dance or dinner events where couples can get to
know each other and build relationships, promoting
awards to recognize healthy relationships (e.g., Couple
of the Year Award, 40 Years Together Award, etc.),
sharing Public Service Announcements (PSAs) and
other community messages through local radio and
printed media outlets.
� Collaborate with others within the community to
organize projects or advocacy efforts that relate to
the development of positive relationships. Recruit and
involve couples in healthy and stable marriages from
the community to volunteer as program facilitators or
mentors for other couples.
Conclusion � Encourage couples to do at least one activity a week
focused on building their social support network
Antoine de Saint-Exupery has said, “Life has with others. This might include making a visit to see
taught us that love does not consist of gazing extended family, going out with other couples, or
at each other but in looking outward together getting involved in a community or faith group.
in the same direction.” Research indicates that � Ask individuals or couples to map out a list of family
connectedness is key to healthy and stable members and friends that they can count on for
couples. As couples learn to draw strength from support; instruct them to identify people who can
others, look for meaning and purpose, and reach contribute positively to the relationship rather than
out to others and their communities, they help negatively.
themselves individually, their relationship, and � Have partners individually make a list of causes
the world around them to blossom. that they feel passionate about and would like to
contribute to in some way. Encourage partners to
share their lists and try to identify a cause(s) that they
have in common. (Sharing of the lists could also be a
time when couples get to know each other further.)
Couples can then identify ways to jointly contribute to
the cause on a regular basis.
How to Cite: Brotherson, S., Behnke, A., & Goddard, W. (2013). Connect: Engaging
in a Positive Social Network of Support. In T. G. Futris & F. Adler-Baeder (Eds), The
www.nermen.org
National Extension Relationship and Marriage Education Model: Core Teaching Concepts
©2013 University of Georgia
for Relationship and Marriage Enrichment Programming (Publication No. HDFS-E-157).
Athens, GA: The University of Georgia Cooperative Extension. Available at www. HDFS-E-157
nermen.org/NERMEM.php.
62 CONNECT
