The Skills Training Manual for RO DBT

Radical Openness Handout 10.3

Radical Openness Handout 10.3

Using Social Signaling to Live by Your Values

Flexible Mind Is DEEP

Flexible Mind Is DEEP
D Determine your valued goal and the emotion you wish to express

E Effectively Express by matching nonverbal signals with valued goals

E Use self-Enquiry to Examine the outcome and learn

P Practice open expression, again and again

Before the Interaction

D Determine your valued goal and the emotion you wish to express.
• Reflect on the level of intimacy you would like to have with the other person. Use the Match + 1 Intimacy
Rating Scale (see lesson 21) to rate both the current level of intimacy in the relationship and the desired level
of intimacy.

• Identify the valued goals you will need to live by in order to achieve your desired level of intimacy, and
use worksheet 10.A (Flexible Mind Is DEEP: Identifying Valued Goals) to help facilitate this process.

• When there are multiple valued goals, determine the one most important for the type of relationship you
desire in the current situation.

• Determine the emotion linked to your most important valued goal (for example, guilt linked to a valued
goal to behave ethically, sadness linked to a valued goal to admit when I am wrong, embarrassment linked to
a valued goal to not violate social norms needlessly).

• Identify the primary channel linked to the emotion you wish to express (status, survival, or intimacy).

• Social status emotions are expressed through the body (for example, embarrassment, humiliation,
shame, and pride).

• Survival emotions are expressed through the face (that is, anger, disgust, fear, enjoyment-­happiness, and
sadness).

• Intimacy emotions are expressed through touch (for example, love, sympathy).

© Thomas R. Lynch. Permission is granted to the reader to reproduce this form for personal use. 81
The Skills Training Manual for RO DBT Radical Openness Handout 10.3

During the Interaction

E Effectively Express by matching nonverbal signals with valued goals.
• Practice expressing without expecting anything in return. Give the other person time to react—­don’t
assume that a lack of response means they didn’t notice, they don’t care, or they disliked what you did. They
may be happily astounded by your change in behavior, may struggle with open expression themselves, and/or
may simply have not known how to respond.

• Give the other person the benefit of the doubt, especially if you have had conflict in the past with the person
you are being open with.

• Use the primary expressive channel—­body, face, or touch—­linked with the emotion you wish to convey
during the interaction to maximize the likelihood that what is transmitted is what is actually received.

• Match your nonverbal signals with your valued goals.

• If your valued goal is to be taken seriously, signal gravity and confidence (for example, by looking the
other person in the eye, speaking calmly but firmly, keeping your shoulders back and chin up).

• If your valued goal is to establish a close social bond with someone, signal friendliness (for example,
via eyebrow wags, warm smiles, openhanded gestures, adopting a musical tone of voice, head nodding,
taking turns when conversing, and/or gently touching them on the arm).

• If your valued goal is to be forthright and honest, then when the situation calls for it, express what
you are feeling inside on the outside (for example, when sad after a loss, cry; when uncertain about some-
thing, shrug; when you like what you hear, nod your head; when praised, smile warmly and express thanks).

• If your valued goal is to be fair-­minded, signal openness (for example, while listening to feedback, use
an eyebrow wag; if sitting, lean back in your chair; slow the pace of the conversation by taking a deep
breath; allow time for the other person to respond to questions or complete observations before you speak;
validate their experience by matching the intensity of their expression rather than trying to appear calm;
use openhanded gestures; signal nondominance by shrugging shoulders when uncertain; maintain a
musical tone of voice).

• If your valued goal is to not be arrogant, then signal humility (for example, while maintaining eye
contact, slightly bow your head and shrug your shoulders, use openhanded gestures and a compassionate
voice tone).

After the Interaction

E Use self-Enquiry to Examine the outcome and learn.
• Take responsibility for your emotional reactions rather than blaming them on the other person because the
interaction was not perfect or did not go exactly as you had hoped or expected.

• Use self-­enquiry to examine your experience and record your observations in your self-­enquiry journal.

• Did your openness appear to change the other person’s openness during the interaction? If so, how did they express
it? What might this tell you?
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• Did the interaction go as you might have hoped or expected? If not, then what is it you might need to learn?

• Do you feel closer or further away from them after the interaction? What might this tell you?

• Is there a part of you purposefully trying to make this difficult? For yourself? For the other person? What might this
mean? What is it that you need to learn?

• Practice celebrating diversity. Let go of expecting others to think or behave like you.

• Appreciate your own unique style of expression without assuming your way is better. For example, appre-
ciate your dry sense of humor or soft-­spoken manner, yet be willing to go beyond your comfort zone of expres-
sion in order to match the expressive level of your interacting partner. Use Match + 1 principles to guide your
level of disclosure (see Flexible Mind ALLOWs, lesson 21).

• Celebrate expression success when you achieve your relationship goal or live according to your values after
open expression. Make sure you take the time to highlight this and reward yourself. This makes it easier to
remember the benefits of expression the next time you practice.

P Practice open expression, again and again.

• Make a commitment to practice open expression again and again.

• If the relationship is highly conflictual but also highly important…

• Once is not enough; that is, one instance of openness is unlikely to repair years of damage or distrust.

• Commit to open expression again and again, no matter what the outcome.

• Patience, persistence, and forbearance are in your favor.

• Seek feedback from a neutral person to help evaluate and challenge your progress and perceptions.
Encourage your helper to question your description of events rather than automatically validating or
attempting to soothe you (recall the core RO principle “We don’t see the world as it is, we see it as we are”).
Explain to them that part of radical openness living is to actively search for our edge, or our personal
unknown, in order to learn.

• Consistency and willingness to go all the way are essential for reestablishment of trust in a damaged
relationship, meaning once you start to openly express, you cannot stop if you truly wish to improve a
damaged relationship.

• People worth getting to know like and trust you for who you are. Use Flexible Mind SAGE skills to evaluate
whether the relationship may be toxic (see lesson 8). Avoid quick decisions. Seek advice from someone you
know will be able to remain neutral before you decide anything.

• Look for opportunities to stretch your expressive limits. For example, instead of sitting silently in church
while everyone else is singing, join in; rather than avoiding a person you are attracted to, ask them to join you
for coffee; rather than begrudging others for not caring, practice expressing how you care, without expecting
anything in return.

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