Personality Development Unit 4

Unit 4 Interpersonal Behaviour

Structure
4.1 Introduction
Objectives
4.2 Understand Self
4.3 Diagnosis of Type of Self / Identifying own type of self
4.4 Effect of Interpersonal Behaviour of Interpersonal Relationship
4.5 Transactional Analysis
4.6 Open Self Personality – How do we Develop it?
4.7 Summary
4.8 Terminal Questions
4.9 Answers

4.1 Introduction
A person influences (or at
least attempts to influence)
other persons with whom he
or she interacts. In some
roles, e.g. Managerial and
helping roles, ‘influence’ is a
central function. One of the
main functions of a manager
is to influence others for the
achievements of work
objectives. Another managerial function is to help one’s subordinates to
develop, Even more directly involved in influencing others are teachers,
trainers, consultants and counselors. The process of helping someone to
learn and change is essentially the process influencing the individual’s
ideas, values, attitudes and behaviour.
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Those in influencing roles not only solve problems and help others, but they
also have an impact on others’ ability to solve future problems . They can
develop others or they can make them dependent, limiting their autonomy.
Their habitual ways of interacting with their employees, participants,
trainees, or clients can be called Interpersonal styles.

Objectives:
After studying this unit, you will be able to:
 identify your ‘self’
 improve your inter-personal behaviour, thereby enhance your inter-
personal relationship
 understand an individual with the help of transactional analysis
 develop open self personality

4.2 Understand Self – Different Categories

In order to improve inter personal relationships, it is first essential to identify
and understand ourself. One such noted method of understanding of ‘self’
is Johari Window.

Johari Window : The Johari Window, named after the first names of its
inventors, Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham, is
one of the most useful models describing the
process of human interaction. A four paned
"window," as illustrated above, divides
personal awareness into four different types,
as represented by its four quadrants: open,
hidden, blind, and unknown. The lines
dividing the four panes are like window
shades, which can move as an interaction
progresses.

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In this model, each person is represented by his own window. Let's describe
each of them:

1. The "open" quadrant represents things that both one knows about
oneself, and that the others know about the individual. For example,
I know my name, and so do you, and if you have explored some of my
website, you know some of my interests. The knowledge that the
window represents, can include not only factual information, but the
feelings, motives, behaviours, wants, needs and desires of an individual;
indeed, any information describing who he is. When you first meet a new
person, the size of the opening of this first quadrant is not very large,
since there has been little time to exchange information. As the process
of getting to know one another continues, the window shades move
down or to the right, placing more information into the open window, as
described below.

2. The "blind" quadrant represents things that the others know about an
individual, but that the individual is unaware of. So, for example, we
could be eating at a restaurant, and you may have unknowingly gotten
some food on your face. This information is in your blind quadrant
because others can see it, but you cannot. If the others now tell you that
you have something on your face, then the window shade moves to the
right, enlarging the open quadrant's area. Now, you may also have blind
spots with respect to many other much more complex things. For
example, perhaps in your ongoing conversation with your friends, you
may notice that eye contact seems to be lacking. Your friends may not
say anything, since they may not want to embarrass you, or they may
draw their own inferences that perhaps you are being insincere. Then
the problem is, how can you get this information out in the open, since it
may be affecting the level of trust that is developing between you and

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your friends? How can you learn more about yourself? Unfortunately,
there is no readily available answer.

3. The "hidden" quadrant represents things that you know about yourself,
that others do not know. So, for example, you have not told your friends,
nor mentioned anytime during your conversations, what one of your
favourite ice cream flavours is. This information is in your "hidden"
quadrant. As soon as you tell them that you love "Barrista’s" chocolate
flavoured ice cream, you are effectively pulling the window shade down,
moving the information in your hidden quadrant and enlarging the open
quadrant's area. Again, there are vast amounts of information, virtually
your whole life's story, that has yet to be revealed to others. As you get
to know and trust each other, you will then feel more comfortable
disclosing more intimate details about yourself. This process is called:
"Self-disclosure."

4. The "unknown" quadrant represents things that neither you know about
yourself, nor others know about you. For example, you may disclose a
dream that you had, and as both your friend and you attempt to
understand its significance, a new awareness may emerge, known to
neither of you before the conversation took place. Being placed in new
situations often reveals new information not previously known to self or
others. Thus, a novel situation can trigger new awareness and personal
growth. The process of moving previously unknown information into the
open quadrant, thus enlarging its area, has been likened to Maslow's
concept of self-actualization. The process can also be viewed as a
game, where the open quadrant is synonymous with the win-win
situation.

Much, much more has been written on the Johari window model of
human interaction. The process of enlarging the open quadrant is called

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self-disclosure, a give and take process between you and the people
you interact with. Typically, as you share something about yourself
(moving information from your hidden quadrant into the open) and
simultaneously, if the other party is interested in getting to know you,
they will reciprocate, by similarly disclosing information in their hidden
quadrant. Thus, an interaction between two parties can be modelled
dynamically as two active Johari windows. However, self-disclosure
has its own dangers. We are often better off not telling secrets regarding
our, mental health problems or large-scale failures. Be forewarned that
most secrets get passed along to at least two more parties. People also
misjudge how others respond to secrets. Sometimes you get negative
feedback.

As one’s level of confidence and self esteem develops, one may actively
invite others to comment on one's blind spots. A teacher may seek
feedback from students on the quality of a particular lecture, with the
desire of improving the presentation. Active listening skills are helpful in
this endeavour. On the other hand, we all have defences, protecting the
parts of ourselves that we feel vulnerable. Remember, the blind
quadrant contains behaviour, feelings and motivations not accessible to
the person, but which others can see. Feelings of inadequacy,
incompetence, impotence, unworthiness, rejection, guilt, dependency,
ambivalence for loved ones, needs to control and manipulate, are all
difficult to face, and yet can be seen by others. Fortunately, Nature has
provided us with a variety of defence mechanisms to cope with such
events, such as denial, ignoring, rationalizing, etc.

The Johari window, essentially being a model for communication, can

also reveal difficulties in this area. In Johari terms, two people attempt to
communicate via the open quadrants. On the simplest level, difficulties
may arise due to a lack of clarity in the interaction, such as poor
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grammar or choice of words, unorganized thoughts, faulty logic etc. This

induces the receiver to criticize you, the sender, by revealing something
that was in your blind quadrant. Then, if the feedback works, you correct
it immediately or perhaps on a more long term approach, take a course
in reading and writing. On a deeper level, you may be in a group
meeting, and while you secretly sympathize with the minority viewpoint,
you voted with the majority. However, blind to you, you actually may be
communicating this information via body language, in conflict with your
verbal message. On an even deeper level, you in an interaction with
others may always put on a smiling, happy face, hiding all negative
feelings. By withholding negative feelings, you may be signalling to your
friends to withhold also, and keep their distance. Thus, your
communication style may seem bland or distant.

And let's not forget the parable of the blind men and the elephant. Our
society is constructed so that many of us get very specialized, knowing
only a small academic field very well, while being virtually ignorant of all
others. This specialization is blinding many of us to what is happening in
the world today. According to R. Buckminister Fuller, this system of
education was done on purpose, to channel the most intelligent people
into specialties, enabling them to be more easily controlled.

It takes a lot more than a shoeshine and a manicure to give a

person polish – Shiv Kera

Self Assessment Questions

1. Fill in the blanks
i) The habitual ways of interacting by the people in influence roles with
others is called ________.

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ii) Johari Window is named after __________ and ___________.

iii) Johari Window divides personal awareness into, ____________,
____________, ____________, ____________ types.
iv) The ____ quadrant represents things that neither you know about
yourself, nor others know about you.
v) As one’s level of ___________ and ____________ develops, one
may actively invite others to comment on one’s blind spots.

4.3 Diagnosis of Type of Self / Identifying Own Type of Self

Different people behave differently. Each individual has a unique personality
and so, a unique style of his own. Given below are various styles of
individuals that shape their personality.

Rescuing Style: This style indicates a dependency relationship, in which an

individual perceives his or her main role as that of rescuing another as his
main role. E.g.: The manager, trainer, or consultant considering the
rescuing of his subordinate, participant, trainee or client. Another feature of
this style in that support is provided conditionally, contingent on deference to
the provider. The general attitude is one of superiority; the person’s support
constantly reminds others of their dependence. Obviously, the style does
not help the other people to become independent and to act by themselves.

Supportive Style: In this style, support is provided when needed. James

(1975) uses the term “Supportive Coaches” for managers with this style.
They encourage their subordinates and provide the necessary conditions for
continuous improvement. The consultant, in this style, shows patience in
learning about the problems of his clients and has empathy with them.

Prescription Style: People with this style are critical of the behavior of
others and develop rules and regulations to impose them on others.

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Managers using this style make quick judgments and insist that certain
norms be followed by all their subordinates. A consultant may advise the
clients and prescribe solutions to their problems, rather than help them to
work out alternative solutions for their problems.

Normative Style: These individuals develop proper norms of behaviour. At

the same time, they help the followers of these norms to understand the
importance over other norms. A consultant with this style not only helps
clients to solve a specific problem but also helps them to develop ways of
approaching a problem and raises questions about relevant values. Such a
consultant emphasizes the development of a general approach to the
problem. Trainers with this style influence the participants through
modelling behaviour. They also raise questions about the appropriateness
of some aspects of behaviour and work.

Task Obsessive Style: People with this style are most concerned with the
task. Matters not directly related to the task are ignored. They are not
concerned with feelings and, in fact, fail to recognize them, since they do not
perceive them as related to the task. They attempt to function like
computers. A task–obsessive individual is insensitive to the emotional
needs, personal problems, and apprehensions of the others.

Problem- Solving Style: In this style, an individual is concerned with

solving problems, but does not see the problem as being merely confined to
the task. For such persons, the problems have various dimensions. The
focus of the manager, consultant, or trainer is on dealing with and finding
out solution to problems. In this process they solicit the help of and involve
subordinates, clients, trainees and participants.

Bohemian Style: The creative child is active in this style. The person has
lots of ideas and is impatient with current practices. The person is less

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concerned with how the new ideas work than with the ideas themselves.
Such people are non conformists and enjoy experimenting with new
approaches, primarily foe fun. They rarely allow one idea or practice to
stabilize before going on to another.

Innovative People: People with this style have enthusiasm about new
ideas and new approaches and take others along with them. However, they
pay enough attention to nurturing an idea, so that it results in concrete
action and becomes internalized in the system. Such people are innovators.

Aggressive Style: People with this style are fighters. They show their
aggression toward others. They may fight for their subordinates, clients, or
participants, or for their ideas and suggestions, hoping that this will help
them to achieve their desired results. Their aggressiveness, however,
makes people avoid them and not take them seriously.

Confronting Style: In this style, the person is concerned with the

exploration of a problem. Perseverance is the main characteristic. They
confront the organization to get things done for their subordinates or clients.
They are more concerned with confronting problems than with confronting
other persons for the sake of confrontation. A consultant with this style may
also confront the client in order to help the client to openly explore various
dimensions. Such people are frank and open, but are equally perceptive and
sensitive. They respect the feelings of others.

Sulking Style: People with this style keep their negative feeling to
themselves, find it difficult to share them, and avoid meeting people if they
have not been able to fulfil their part of the contract. Instead of confronting
problems, a person in this style avoids them and feels bad about the
situation, but does not express these feelings openly.

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Resilient Style: In this style, persons show creative adaptability – learning

from others, accepting others’ ideas, and changing their approaches when
change is needed.

Persons in influence roles (managers, consultants, counsellors or trainers)

may show several of the behaviours described above. Each person,
however, uses one style more frequently than others.

Self Assessment Questions

2. Fill in the blanks
i) James uses the term ___ for managers in supportive style.
ii) A ____ individual is insensitive to the emotional needs, personal
problems and apprehensions of others; but only concerned with the
task.
iii) The creative child is active in ____.
iv) Perseverance is the main characteristic of the people of ____ style.
v) Individuals show creative adaptability in the ____ style.

4.4 Effect of Interpersonal Behaviour on Interpersonal

Relationship
We all want to be popular, but this desire could always stand as a hurdle in
the way of career success in the competitive modern office. On the contrary,
if used correctly, the ability to get on with people and be liked is a powerful
management tool. This can be achieved with appropriate interpersonal
behaviour.

When Jane Jaryd started a new job in a publishing company she was
desperate to make a good impression from the outset, so on her very first
day she brought in a tin of biscuits and passed them around to everyone.
But the gesture backfired. Instead of the acceptance she craved, Jane was

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treated with suspicion. Why was she trying so hard? What did she want from
them?

One colleague later told her: 'My first impression was that you were just far
too pushy with your biscuits. I wasn't sure about you at all.'

Her mistake demonstrates how important it is for many of us to gain the

approval of those we work with. The more cynical people might claim
popularity is an overrated attribute in business, but there can be no denying
that we all have a deep-seated desire to be liked.

'We have evolved as social animals as part of a tribe,' explains Andy Smith,
training director of Coaching Leaders and author of ‘Achieve your Goals:
Strategies to Transform your Life.’ From early in our evolution, being popular
will probably have meant better nutrition, getting into fewer fights and
winning more mates (in the biological sense). 'How we were treated in that
tribe was important, so many of us do have a need to be popular.'

While helping in small errands and doing minor chores for colleagues or
peers, might win you immediate popularity, it won't guarantee the ingrained,
long-term popularity that many of us crave. To be genuinely liked and
respected by your colleagues and team your actions must go far deeper
than well intentioned gestures. To win this kind of esteem requires a
fundamental understanding of human relationships, a sincere interest in
your fellow worker, a sense of fair play and, most important of all, an ability
to see the other person's point of view.

'Popularity is about being able to relate to lots of different situations all of the
time,' says Roy Gaynor, managing director of the consultancies Navisys
Transformation and Navisys Academy. 'You've got to be able to show that
you can step into the other person's world.'

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A desire to be popular may not be part of the typical make-up of leaders but
few can deny that the effects of being liked by your team and colleagues
can be both career- and business-enhancing. It is easier to influence and
persuade people who like, respect and trust you and it is easier to motivate
them if you have a connection. And with the bottom line in mind, people are
more likely to buy from someone that they like.

In his book Life's a Game so Fix the Odds, Hesketh recalls how he
repeatedly missed out on business from one potential client - even though
he was offering a better service at a better price - simply because the
contact 'didn't particularly like him'. His replacement, however, sealed a deal
within a month. 'People buy people first,' he writes in his book.

In short, you don't have to be popular to be a good manager or leader, but it

helps. Which is why emotional intelligence and empathy are increasingly
seen as crucial management attributes. 'Relationship skills are gaining more
popularity. This calls for the balancing of task and relationship focuses to
achieve the much desired ‘belongingness.’

Popularity may not be synonymous with emotional intelligence, but being

the sort of person who can quickly and naturally make a connection with
other people gives you a head start. By developing your social intelligence,
you can maximise the benefits of the inbuilt capacity for co-operation. Given
below are strategies that enable you to satisfy your desire to be popular,
without damaging your career.

1. Listen and Let People Talk

Everybody wants their voice to be heard and their stories listened to - so
give them what they want. 'Ask questions that other persons will enjoy
answering,' writes Dale Carnegie in How to Win Friends and Influence
People. 'Encourage them to talk about themselves and their
accomplishments.'
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In Life's a Game so Fix the Odds, Philip Hesketh says you should listen with
'rapt attention' – the highest form of flattery. You should listen to truly
understand how others feel about what they're saying. This helps you see
things from their point of view. They will like you more and at the same time,
you too would learn in the exchange.

2. Take an Interest in Others

By doing so, you are tapping into humans' inbuilt self-absorption. Dale
Carnegie says, when an individual is genuinely interested in others, he will
be welcome anywhere.

Managers can earn social kudos by the bucket load simply by taking a
genuine interest in their team. For example, as well as work-related matters
such as career aspirations and motivations, make a note of the name of
each member's partner and what they like to do at weekends.'

3. Give Credit When it’s Due

Being appreciated feeds our need to feel important and worthwhile and so it
is vital for managers to offer praise for a job well done. Leaders cannot
achieve by themselves. They must give credit and be more sharing,
especially if they want things to happen as they should when they are not
there.' Be lavish in your praises.

4. Show Some Emotion

A high emotional intelligence (EI) rating doesn't guarantee you'll be popular,
but it helps. Increasing your EI means you'll enhance those skills that enable
you to understand and manage your own and other people's emotions more
positively. Heightening your self-awareness should help you to understand
and improve your EI.

'Perhaps spend 10-20 minutes a day meditating or reflecting on how you've

behaved,' suggests Andy Smith, training director of Coaching Leaders and

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an expert in emotional intelligence. 'Keeping an emotional journal is another

possibility and when you make changes to your behaviour, monitor what
response they get.

5. Criticise Carefully
We assume that as long as the criticism we give to people is constructive, it
will have the desired effect of improving performance rather than upsetting
the individual concerned. However, even constructive criticism can be
damaging. Instead, regularly tell people what you think they are good at
and 'leave out the "but" and "however".' This is how you have to prepare
them. Then when you do come to offer something a little more critical they
are much more likely to take it.

Interpersonal / Human Skills

How to Handle Difficult People?
A bully at your work is difficult for you to face. He is demanding you do part
of his job without pay or credit. How do you handle it?

Your father is unhappy about your career choice. He constantly criticizes

your work and points out what he thinks you should do. How do you deal
with him? Difficult situations are part of everyone’s life. Employers and
employees can’t get along. Partners clash over money. Spouses cannot
resolve disagreements. If you ignore these situations, they always get
worse. Employees get fired, partnerships and marriages break up, everyone
is miserable. Disconnecting from the problem or from the person is not
always wise or practical. Losing employees, supporters and friends because
you needlessly disassociate from them may reduce your stress, but you
might also become lonely .

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The Best Solution is to Confront and Handle People

"The ability to stand up to and confront and handle whatever comes
the way of the organization depends utterly on the ability of the
individuals of the organization to stand up to, confront and handle
what comes the individual's way." – L. Ron Hubbard

When you face and resolve the problem yourself, you feel wonderful. You
are in control of your life. You not only conquer the opposition, you conquer
your fear. Few accomplishments are more satisfying than confronting
someone who is difficult to face and handling the conflict
 Write down a Plan or List of Points You Need to Make to Support Your
Goal:
 Facts, Reasons and explanations you may need the other person to
understand.
 List the points in order of priority or importance.

For example, to get Joe to understand why he must pay you, you might
make these points:

A. Joe requested the service.

B. Joe signed an agreement to pay for the service.

C. We provided the service as promised.

D. Joe was happy with the service.

E. Etc.

 Write down objections, reactions or disagreements the other

person may have. Include everything you are afraid might happen
during the meeting. Putting specific concerns and fears in writing
reduces their impact on you.

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For each objection, reaction or disagreement you expect will happen,

write a solution of how you will deal with each.
 Organize your notes and gather supportive documents.
 Arrange the meeting where you will not be disturbed, preferably in a
space you control.

Effective Communication
It is apparent that meaningful communication does not take place
automatically in interpersonal relationships. But there are a number of
factors, which appear to foster effective communication – ranging from an
awareness of one’s own stimulus value to active listening. Here we shall
simply mention three interrelated factors which seem to be of key
importance.

1. Be a Good ‘Sender’: As a sender, each of us has to know what we are

trying to communicate and how to code the message in such a way that
the ‘ receiver ‘ can interpret it accurately. If we are unclear about the
message we are trying to convey or fail to code the message so that it is
meaningful to the other person, the message will probably not be
received accurately. The high incidence of failure here is evidenced by
frequent complaints such as “ I didn’t mean that “ and “ You
misunderstood what I was trying to say.”

2. Be a Good “Receiver”: To be good receivers, we must listen actively

and make a sincere effort to understand what the other person is trying
to communicate to us. We have probably all had the experience of
felling that the other person was not really listening- not really tuning us
in. Perhaps the person who is too busy to take time to listen, did not
want to hear what we had to say, or was busy thinking about what to say
next.

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Active listening requires the development of specific skills which help us

to accurately interpret what the other person is trying to communicate.
One of the most important of these skills is being sensitive to the
feelings of others, for as we have noted earlier, there are many
situations in which we are called upon to interpret feelings rather than
spoken words.

3. Use Metacommunication: One key approach to fostering better

understanding in communication involves the concept of
metacommunication- examining the ways in which we typically
communicate with the other person in an intimate relationship.

This might entail an analysis of such factors as

a) the amount of relevant information communicated vs. “ noise”
b) the typical emotional climate created by talking about problems
c) who does most of the talking and who does most of the listening
d) what areas or problems seem to elicit particular difficulties in
communicating and understanding.

"I think one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute

for paying attention. " – Diane Sawyer

Self Assessment Question

3. Say whether True or False
i) We all have a deep seated desire to be liked.
ii) It doesn’t require a fundamental understanding of human
relationships to win the genuine respect of your colleagues.

iii) By developing your intelligence quotient, you can maximise the

benefits of the inbuilt capacity for co-operation.
iv) Listening with rapt attention is the highest form of flattery.

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v) You should never be lavish in your praises.

vi) Constructive criticism never upsets people.
vii) Disconnecting from the problem or person is the practical solution to
handle difficult situation and difficult people.
viii) You should listen actively to enhance effective communication.

ix) To actively listen, one should be sensitive to others’ feelings.

x) Meta communication means examining ways in which individual
communicates with other person in an intimate relationship.

4.5 Transactional Analysis

Transactional analysis, commonly known as TA to its adherents, is a
psychoanalytic theory of psychology developed by psychiatrist Eric Berne
during the late 1950s.

Revising Freud's concept of the human psyche as composed of the id, ego,
and super-ego, Berne postulated instead three "ego states" – the Parent,
Adult and Child states – which were largely shaped through childhood
experiences.

Parent ("exteropsychic"): a state in which people behave, feel, and think

in response to an unconscious mimicking of how their parents (or other
parental figures) acted. For example, a person may shout at someone out of
frustration because they learned from an influential figure in childhood the
lesson that this seemed to be a way of relating that worked.

Adult ("neopsychic"): a state in which people behave, feel, and think in

response to what is going on in the "here-and-now," using all of their
resources as an adult human being with many years of life experience to
guide them. While a person is in the Adult ego state, he/she is directed
towards an objective appraisal of reality.

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Child ("archaeopsychic"): a state in which people revert to behaving,

feeling and thinking close to how they did in childhood. For example, a
person being told off by the boss at work may look down and feel shame or
anger, as they used to when being told off as a child.

Within each of these are sub-divisions. Thus parental figures are often either
nurturing (permission giving, security giving) or criticizing(comparing to
family traditions and ideals in generally negative ways), childhood
behaviours are either natural (free) or adapted to others. Each of these
tends to draw an individual to certain patterns of behaviour, feelings and
ways of thinking, which may be beneficial (positive) or dysfunctional/
counterproductive (negative).

Ego states also do not correspond directly to thinking, feeling, and judging,
as these behaviours are present in every ego state.There is no "universal"
ego state; each state is individually and visibly manifested for each person.
For example, a child ego state is individual to the specific human being, that
is, it is drawn from the ego state they created as a child, not some
'generalised childlike' state.

Each person involved in transactions with others has three ego states:
1. The Parent regulates behaviour ( through prescriptions and sanctions)
and nurtures ( by providing support)
2. The Adult collects information and processes it.
3. The Child has several functions primarily with
a) Creativity, curiosity and fun
b) Reactions to others ( including rebellion)
c) Adjusting to others’ demands or sulking .

Each ego state is important. However, the functional or dysfunctional roles

of these ego states depends on the general existential or life position a
person takes. Harris (1969) has conceptualized four primary existential or

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life position takes. (1) I’m OK, You’re OK : (2) I’m not OK , you’re OK (3) I’m
OK, you’re not OK: and (4) I’m not OK, you’re not OK.

The interpersonal style of an individual depends on the person’s

combination of the six ego states with the life positions. Combining the six
ego states with the four life positions, we obtain twenty-four influences
styles. James (1975) has suggested that, in general, the concepts of OK
and not-OK can be used to understand how bosses behave. Avery(1980)
has similarly proposed OK and not-OK dimensions of the six ego states.
Savorgnan(1979) has discussed the Ok and not-Ok dimensions of the two
Parent ego states.

Unhealthy childhood experiences could damage the Child or Parent ego

states, which would bring discomfort to an individual and/or others, in a
variety of forms including many types of mental illness.

Since individuals interact with one another, their ego states affect each set
of transactions. Unproductive or counterproductive transactions are
considered to be signs of ego state problems. Analysing these transactions,
according to the person's individual developmental history, would enable the
person to "get better". Virtually everyone has something problematic about
their ego states and that negative behaviour would not be addressed by
"treating" only the problematic individual.

Self Assessment Question

4. Match the following
A B
1. James a) discussed OK – Not OK dimensions of
2 parent ego states
2. Avery b) conceptualised 4 primary existential or life
position takes.

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3. Savorgnan c) Concepts of OK – Not OK is used to

understand how bosses behave.
4. Eric Berne d) proposed OK & Not OK dimensions of
6 ego states
5. Harris e) developed Transactional Analysis

4.5.1 Transactions and Strokes

Transactions are the flow of communication, and more specifically the
unspoken psychological flow of communication that runs in parallel.

Transactions occur simultaneously, at both explicit and psychological levels.

Example: sweet caring voice with sarcastic intent. To read the real
communication requires both surface and non-verbal reading.

Strokes are the recognition, attention or responsiveness that one person

gives another. Strokes can be positive (nicknamed "warm fuzzies") or
negative ("cold pricklies"). A key idea is that people hunger for recognition,
and that lacking positive strokes, will seek whatever kind they can, even if it
is recognition of a negative kind. We test out as children what strategies and
behaviours seem to get us strokes, of whatever kind we can get.

People often create pressure in (or experience pressure from) others to

communicate in a way that matches their style, so that a boss, who talks to
his staff as a controlling parent will often engender self-abasement or other
childlike responses. Those employees, who resist, may get removed or
labeled as "trouble".

Transactions can be experienced as positive or negative depending on the

nature of the strokes within them. However, a negative transaction is
preferred to no transaction at all, because of a fundamental hunger for
strokes.

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4.5.2 Kinds of Transactions

The nature of transactions is important to understand communication. The
different kinds of transactions are:
1. Reciprocal or Complementary transactions
2. Crossed transactions
3. Duplex or Covert transactions

1. Reciprocal or Complementary Transactions

A simple, reciprocal transaction occurs when both partners are addressing
the ego state the other is in. These are also called complementary
transactions.
 Example 1
A: "Have you been able to write the report?" (Adult to Adult)
B: "Yes - I'm about to email it to you." (Adult to Adult)

 Example 2
A: "Would you like to come and watch a film with me?" (Child to Child)
B: "I'd love to - what shall we go and see?" (Child to Child)

 Example 3
A: "Is your room tidy yet?" (Parent to Child)
B: "Will you stop hassling me? I'll do it eventually!" (Child to Parent)

Communication like this can continue indefinitely. (Clearly it will stop at

some stage - but this psychologically balanced exchange of strokes can
continue for some time).

2. Crossed Transactions
Communication failures are typically caused by a 'crossed transaction'
where partners address ego states other than that their partner is in.
Consider the above examples jumbled up a bit.

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 Example 1a:
A: "Have you been able to write that report?" (Adult to Adult)

B: "Will you stop hassling me? I'll do it eventually!" (Child to Parent)

is a crossed transaction likely to produce problems in the workplace. "A"

may respond with a Parent to Child transaction. For instance:

A: "If you don't change your attitude you'll get fired"

 Example 2a:
A: "Is your room tidy yet?" (Parent to Child)

B: "I'm just going to do it, actually." (Adult to Adult)

is a more positive crossed transaction. However there is the risk that "A" will
feel aggrieved that "B" is acting responsibly and not playing his role, and the
conversation will develop into:

A: "I can never trust you to do things!" (Parent to Child)

B: "Why don't you believe anything I say?" (Child to Parent)

which can continue indefinitely.

3. Duplex or Covert Transactions

Another class of transaction is the 'duplex' or 'covert' transactions, where the
explicit social conversation occurs in parallel with an implicit psychological
transaction. For instance,

A: "I need you to stay late at the office with me." (adult words)

body language indicates sexual intent (flirtatious child)

B: "Of course." (adult response to adult statement).

winking or grinning (child accepts the hidden motive).

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4.5.3 Phenomena Behind the Transactions

1. Life (or Childhood) Script
 Script is a life plan, directed to a pay-off.
 Script is decisional and responsive, ie decided upon in childhood in
response to perceptions of the world and as a means of living with
and making sense of. It is not just thrust upon a person by external
forces.
 Script is reinforced by parents (or other influential figures and
experiences)
 Script is for the most part outside awareness
 Script is how we navigate and what we look for, the rest of reality is
redefined (distorted) to match our filters.

Each culture, country and people in the world has a Mythos, that is, a
legend explaining its origins, core beliefs and purpose. According to TA, so
do individual people. A person begins writing their own life story (script) very
young, as they try to make sense of the world and their place within it.
Although it is revised throughout life, the core story is selected and decided
upon typically by age 7. As adults it passes out of awareness. A life script
might be "to be hurt many times, and suffer and make others feel bad when
I die", and could result in a person indeed setting themselves up for this, by
adopting behaviours in childhood that produce exactly this effect. Or it could
as easily be positive.

2. Redefining and Discounting

Redefining means the distortion of reality when we deliberately (but
unconsciously) distort things to match our preferred way of seeing the world.
Thus a person whose script involves "struggling alone against a cold hard
world" may redefine others' kindness and state that they are just trying to
get something by manipulation.

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Discounting means to take something as worth less than it is. Thus to give
a substitute reaction which does not originate as a here-and-now Adult
attempt to solve the actual problem, or to not choose to see evidence that
would contradict one's script. Types of discount can also include: passivity
(doing nothing), over-adaptation, agitation, incapacitation, anger and
violence.

3. Injunctions and Drivers

TA identifies twelve key injunctions, which people commonly build into their
scripts. These are injunctions in the sense of being powerful "I can't/mustn't
..." messages that embed into a child's belief and life-script:
 Don't be (don't exist), Don't be who you are,
 Don't be a child, Don't grow up,
 Don't make it in your life, Don't do anything!,
 Don't be important, Don't belong,
 Don't be close, Don't be well (don't be sane!),
 Don't think, Don't feel.

In addition, there is the so-called episcript, "You should (or deserve to)
have this happen in your life, so it doesn't have to happen to me."

Against these, a child is often told other things they must do. There are six
of these 'drivers':
 Be perfect!
 Please (me/others)!
 Try Hard!
 Be Strong!
 Hurry Up!
 Be Careful!

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Thus, in creating their script, a child will often attempt to juggle these,
example: "It's okay for me to go on living (ignore don't exist) so long as I try
hard".

This explains why some change is inordinately difficult. To continue the

above example: When a person stops trying hard and relaxes to be with his
family, the injunction, ‘You don't have the right to exist,’ which was being
suppressed by their script, now becomes exposed and a vivid threat. Such
an individual may feel a massive psychological pressure which they
themselves don't understand, to return to trying hard, in order to feel safe
and justified (in a childlike way) in existing.

Driver behaviour is also detectable at a very small scale, for instance in

instinctive responses to certain situations, where driver behaviour is played
out over five to twenty seconds.

Broadly, scripts can fall into Tragic, Heroic or Banal (or Non-Winner)
varieties, depending on their rules.

4.5.4 Series of Transactions

Rituals
A ritual is a series of transactions that is complementary (reciprocal),
stereotyped and based on social programming. Rituals usually comprise a
series of strokes exchanged between two parties.

For instance, two people may have a daily two stroke ritual, where, the first
time they meet each day, each one greets the other with a "Hi". Others may
have a four stroke ritual, such as:

A: Hi!

B: Hi! How do you do?

A: Getting along. What about you?

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B: Fine. See you around.

The next time they meet in the day, they may not exchange any strokes at
all, or may just acknowledge each other's presence with a curt nod.

Some phenomena associated with daily rituals are:

 If a person exchanges fewer strokes than expected, the other person
may feel that he is either preoccupied or acting high and mighty.
 If a person exchanges more strokes than expected, the other person
might wonder whether he is trying to butter him up or get on good terms
for some vested interests.
 If two people do not meet for a long time, a backlog of strokes gets built
up, so that the next time they meet, they may exchange a large number
of strokes to catch up.

Pastimes
A pastime is a series of transactions that is complementary (reciprocal),
semi-ritualistic, and is mainly intended as a time-structuring activity.
Pastimes have no covert purpose and can usually be carried out only
between people on the same wavelength. They are usually shallow and
harmless. Pastimes are a type of small talk.

Individuals often partake in similar pastimes throughout their life, as

pastimes are generally very much linked to one’s life script and the games
that one often plays. Some pastimes can even be understood as a reward
for playing a certain game. For example, Eric Berne in Games People Play
discusses how those who play the "Alcoholic" game often enjoy the
"Morning After" pastime, in which participants share their most amusing
hangover stories.

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Games and Their Analysis

Definition of Game
A game is a series of transactions that is complementary (reciprocal),
ulterior, and proceeds towards a predictable outcome. Games are often
characterized by a switch in roles of players towards the end.Each game
has a payoff for those playing it. The antithesis of a game, that is, the way to
break it, lies in discovering how to deprive the actors of their payoff.
Students of transactional analysis have discovered that people, who are
used to a game, are willing to play it, even if as a different actor from what
they originally were.

Analysis of a Game
One important aspect of a game is its number of players. Games may be
two handed (that is, played by two players), three handed (that is, played by
three players), or many handed. Three other quantitative variables are often
useful to consider for games:
 Flexibility: The ability of the players to change the currency of the
game (that is, the tools they use to play it). In a flexible game, players
may shift from words, to money, to parts of the body.
 Tenacity: The persistence with which people play and stick to their
games and their resistance to breaking it.
 Intensity: Easy games are games played in a relaxed way. Hard
games are games played in a tense and aggressive way.

Based on the degree of acceptability and potential harm, games are

classified as:
 First Degree Games are socially acceptable in the agent's circle.
 Second Degree Games are games that the players would like to
conceal though they may not cause irreversible damage.

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 Third Degree Games are games that could lead to drastic harm to one
or more of the parties concerned.

Games are also Studied Based on their:

 Aim
 Roles
 Social and Psychological Paradigms
 Dynamics
 Advantages to players (Payoffs)

Rackets
A racket is the dual strategy of getting "permitted feelings" and covering up
those which we truly feel, as being "not allowed".

More technically, a racket feeling is "a familiar set of emotions, learned and
enhanced during childhood, experienced in many different stress situations,
and maladaptive as an adult means of problem solving".

A racket is then a set of behaviours, which originate from the childhood

script rather than in here-and-now full Adult thinking, which (1) are employed
as a way to manipulate the environment to match the script rather than to
actually solve the problem, and (2) whose covert goal is not so much to
solve the problem, as to experience these racket feelings and feel internally
justified in experiencing them.

Examples of racket and racket feelings: "Why do I meet good guys who turn
out to be so hurtful", or "He always takes advantage of my goodwill". The
racket is then a set of behaviours and chosen strategies learned and
practised in childhood, which in fact help to cause these feelings to be
experienced. Typically, this happens despite their own surface protestations
and hurt feelings, out of awareness and in a way that is perceived as
someone else's fault. One covert pay-off for this racket and its feelings,

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might be to gain in a guilt free way, continued evidence and reinforcement

for a childhood script belief that "People will always let you down".

In other words, rackets and games are devices used by a person to create a
circumstance, where they can legitimately feel the racket feelings, thus
abiding by and reinforcing their childhood script. They are always a
substitute for a more genuine and full adult emotion and response, which
would be a more appropriate response to the here-and-now situation.

The first such game theorized was ‘Why don't you/Yes, But…’ in which one
player (White) would pose a problem as if seeking help, and the other
player(s) (Black) would offer solutions. White would point out a flaw in every
Black player's solution (the "Yes, but" response), until they all give up in
frustration. The secondary gain for White is that he can claim to have
justified his problem as insoluble and thus avoid the hard work of internal
change; and for Black, to either feel the frustrated martyr ("I was only trying
to help") or a superior being, disrespected ("the patient was uncooperative").

4.6 Open Self Personality – How do we Develop it?

Several simple communication skills are required for developing
openness.

 There must be a good reason for being open

 Openness is not an absolute value

 Openness involves risk taking.

 Openness is sharing, not to be thrust open.

 Defences are not all bad.

 Openness means accepting the thoughts, feelings and behaviour of the

other as facts.

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 The aim of openness is not to change the other, but to share an

understanding of your views and feelings.

 Being open is not the same as being “ personal”.

Helpful Suggestions for Developing Openness

 Separate out behaviour from feelings.

 Be descriptive of behaviour rather than evaluative or judgemental of the

person.

 Be specific rather than general.

 Separate out thoughts from feelings.

 Let the other person draw his own conclusions.

 State the other’s idea in your own words to check out if you have
properly understood. This is called paraphrasing.

 Be provisional rather than absolute.

Examples:
 Avoid generalizations – “ You are always picking on me!”
Instead say – “ I feel threatened by you”
 Avoid name calling – “ You idiot”
Instead say – “ I am angry with you”
 Avoid assumptions – “ You enjoy putting people down”
Instead say – “ What you just said hurt me”
 Avoid questions – “ Is it safe to drive so fast?”
Instead say – “ I am afraid og going this fast”
 Avoid sarcasm – “ Who need friends like you?”
Instead say – What you just did was not helpful”
 Avoid commands – “ Shut up!”
Instead say – I’m so angry I can’t think”

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 Avoid Silence
 Avoid “ Why “ questions – “ why did you say that “?
Instead say – “ I would like you to clarify to me what you said just now”

Feedback Is Constructive If………..

 It is asked for rather than imposed.

 It is well timed. (Often immediately; sometimes after a cooling period)

 It is not saved up and dumped all at once.

 It is checked to ensure accurate and clear communication based on

data.

 It is checked for validity against the perceptions of others.

 It is intended to be helpful to the recipient.

 It is specific rather than general.

 It leaves the recipient free to do with it what he wants, to change or not

as he chooses.

 It is given a climate of trust, with a feeling of caring and support.

 It focuses on things the recipient can do something about.

 Negative feedback is preceded by positive feedback.

 It is received non-defensively, that is, if recipient ask only clarifying

questions without defending one.

 The recipient has a chance to say what he thinks and feels about the
feedback.

"I think one lesson I have learned is that there is no substitute for
paying attention." – Diane Sawyer

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Self Assessment Question

5. Match the following
A B
1. Adult a) set of emotions that originate from
the childhood script.
2. Parent b) over adaptation
3. Child c) distortion of reality
4. Transactions d) covert transaction
5. Reciprocal transaction e) communication failure
6. Crossed transaction f) complementary transaction
7. Duplex transaction g) flow of unspoken psychological
communication
8. Redefining h) creative, curious, sulks
9. Discounting i) regulates behaviour
10. Racket j) collects information and processes it.

4.7 Summary
In dealing with the various aspects of communication we are also dealing
with coping behaviours and styles in interpersonal relationships. For better
or worse, our interpersonal style does affect our ability to transmit and
receive information, and hence, it will affect the quality of relationships we
are able to achieve.

Life is an Echo
A little boy got angry with his mother and shouted at her, “I hate you, I hate
you.” Because of fear of reprimand, he ran out of the house. He went up to
the valley and shouted “I hate you, I hate you.” and back came the echo, “I
hate you, I hate you,” This was the first time in his life he had heard an echo.
He was scared, went to his mother for protection and said there was a bad
boy in the valley who shouted, “I hate you, I hate you.” The mother
understood and she asked her son to go back and shout, “I love you, I love
you.” The little boy went and shouted, “I love you, I love you,” and back
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came the echo: That taught the little boy a lesson – which our life is like an
echo: We get back, what we give.

4.8 Terminal Questions

1. Explain the concepts Redefining and Discounting.
2. What do you mean by rituals and pastimes?
3. How do you develop open self-personality?
4. Write a short note on:
a) Hidden Quadrant of Johari Window.
b) Blind Quadrant
c) Child ego as described in Transactional Analysis
5. Explain any two strategies that enable an individual to satisfy his desire
to be popular.

4.9 Answers
A. Self Assessment Questions
1. i) Interpersonal styles
ii) Joseph Luft and Harry Ingham
iii) open, hidden, blind, unknown
iv) unknown
v) confidence and self-esteem
2. i) supportive coaches ii) task-obsessive
iii) Bohemian style iv) confronting v) Resilient style
3. i) True ii) False iii) False iv) True v) False
vi) False vii) False viii) True ix) True x) True

4. 1-c; 2-d; 3-a; 4-e; 5-b 5. 1-j ; 2-I ; 3-h; 4-g; 5-f; 6-e; 7-d; 8-c; 9-b; 10-a

B. Terminal Questions
1. Refer 4.5.3 2. Refer 4.5.4 3. 3. Refer 4.6
4. Refer 4.2 5. Refer 4.4

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Acknowledgements & References

 Luft, Joseph (1969). "Of Human Interaction," Palo Alto, CA: National
Press
 Kelly, Anita E. and McKillop, Kevin J. (1996), "Consequences of
Revealing Personal Secrets." Psychological Bulletin,
 Books by Eric Berne (Popular)
 (1964) Games People Play. New York: Grove Press.
 (1996) (Paperback reissue ed.) New York: Ballantine Books.
 (1975) What Do You Say After You Say Hello?
 Transactional Analysis in Psychotherapy
 The Structure and Dynamics of Organizations and Groups

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