Prelude “I’M NOT MY mother, aunty, I will never be like her!” “Ofcourse you aren't, you are your father’s daughter, that’s why you are here being dramatic,” What the fuck does she mean that’s why I'm here? This is my house, she’s the one that's here. And how dare she likens me to my father? “Seriously mntaka Mbambeni, I don’t understand why you didn't call me, you let things go this far? And now you are here, crashing like a helicopter, expecting all of us to jump and...” Again, I didn’t ask her or anyone for anything! She decided to come here, and she has the audacity to blame me for everything. What I have been saying to her, to them, is that I'm done. Mabele knows I am, I've told him this every day since that night he tried that shit with me again.Mess He thinks Ym angry Dut that Not, ap, Come goes it dslves. I vas angry once, very angry jo i but roy 8 Lema bitter, and bitterness lasts forever, as long justify it, it will stay with me. “tm not saying you should tay with him i, vant him anymore Mahlomu, what Im saying ak ina way that will get you killed. Learn from you nee Ugh! My mother kept up a charade fora wiley and Tm the only one who didn't know, e out. My mother, yes Thembeka, thought she Wis tough. me up by alvays treating me diferently from Lan. ai Leth. She smothered and pampered them, but ne, treated me like T was an adult from when 1 was stil cy She let me get married at 23, she ulated and dresed ig my wedding Yea, never told her anything about how things were benees me and Mqhele because I thought she wouldnt undersea thather having perfect husband like my father, she woud My first thought was shed force me to leave him, or judge ns for forgiving him and staying after the frst time he beat And come to think of it, maybe I was right to think because she isr't here, she hasn't been here since Moh kt this house, Tm not saying that I don't love Mhele anymor /# saying that I don’t want him, love or no love. f And my aunt here thinks she call tell me about PS death? Does she even know how many deaths ve se" Tet this man? 4Dubu Busant-Dupe I never asked him to leave this house, he was the one who packed a suitcase and left. He said he needed to clear his head. Clear his head from me? Imagine! As if anyone in this, family has a clear head, He left because he couldn't touch me anymore, that I know for sure. One little possibility that I slept with another man, and that goes to his head? So much that his penis can't even get hard for me? He’s mad, after all the things I have forgiven him for, that was all it took for him to completely detach from me? He came to his senses three weeks later and showed up at our doorstep with his suitcases, But I sent him back where he came from. Mahele leaves. Thad never looked at it that way until the day I stood on the front porch of this house and watched him pull a suitcase to the car. I let him leave and told his children baba was away working, They believed me, because they don't know Mqhele, they know baba. They don't know how many times he has done this. I had never seen it that way because in all the times he had left before, he had left because of the shit he had done. Ofcourse there were other things that had already messed him up, including finding out that half of him was buried under a tree and that I had betrayed the family in an effort to protect it. Oh and that thing of his own brother pointing a gun to his head.= Mess. He eaves and I stay to make sure hhe comes back home to the one thing that Angi that thing is can fuck off aunty,” “Mighele Yes he can fuck off my child, but can he fuck off in a way akes him happy and content. me. shat wort put you in danger? Seeingas you say he has beaten you up before! ntention to tell her about the beatings, ut I got so angry when she wouldn't understand why all of this was happening, so blorted it out “ahlomus the important thing here is that you walk out hildren. And for that to happen Itwas never my it ofthis marriage with your ¢ you need tobe smart” Yeses my aunt doesn't know me! + have not bee in this family for almost v0 decades for nothing, They will never take my children away from me, that they know. Infact 1 will leave with the ones I found here they know that very well “and money, do you have money saved?” she asks. Thave my own money, and yes Thave money saved. Iishe senew meat all shed know that I'm the one who gathered all the women in tis family and told them I had been stashing money inplaces since the day found out Mahele had cheated on me, 1 advised them to do the same, except Zandile of course because she thinks Nkosana is one of Jesus disciples {have my own money aunty. And why are You asking about money? I havent spoken about divorce. [sti dont svanthim,not now, not ever. fTtake things to court TT walk avay with half ofthis family’s wealth, and I don't want togDubu BUSANI-Dube there” [i sit down and talk to her with the respect I've always afforded her, but no, not when she's made me this angry. She vas the one person I trusted to tell me I'm right, to promise me nobody will touch me as long as she’ alive, That's what she’ always been to me, my aunt whold grab a bush knife and cts go get them? “(im not changing my mind aunty...” “['m not asking you to...” she says, goes to the kitchen and comes back with dumpie of Castle Lite. Its Mqhele’s beer, one of the four bottles he left in the fridge four months ago. She sits back down, fect on the coffee table. Shes nearing her pension age but she can still open a bottle of beer with her teeth like it’s a scarce skill. “So, Mahlomu, when you say you could walk away with half of this family's wealth, what exactly do you mean?” ‘My phone rings, again. It’s my mother this time, before her it was Zandile, there was Sbani and Gaba before that and whoever else has called since early this morning. I'm not going to answer, because I'm pretty sure it’s about yetanother stunt Mghele has pulled, I just hope he didn't go to extremes and tried to kill himself this time. ‘They would have called my aunt if they knew she was here, or not, because her ancient phone is off and she forgot the charger. I might as well switch this phone of mine off. “Lasked you a question,” T'm not going to answer her. I didn’t come into this family thinking I was going to leave one day, that’s why I invested inmaking it what it is today, “Ym not going to divorce him aunty." Tm not going to take Mqhele throu, involves going to court, anything where h his biggest achievement, which is ah anything thy will have is wife and anything will set him off to the edge of a 0 sign children, edges, it a is that, “I won't divorce him, but we are not Boing to Bet back together. He can move on with his life and 1 wily Move on with mine, that’s...” “Wooooo stop right there mntanami, life to where? With who?” ‘What happened to my aunt? The MaDI, be here telling me to pack my bags and le “Mami?” Jizas! How are these children here? I cha | Temotes, I changed the door locks, house? move on with your ladla I know would ave this house nged the gate how ate they inside my ‘They were here two days ago, to me for us to end up here, Th, now but they must never think that. I sent them Packing. “Mami, asking me what Mqhele did ey may think they are men they can disrespect me like ¢veryone has been here, they said you didnt answer your phone, they had to turn around at the gate. Hello gogo”-Sbani, I guess he’ just noticed my aunt sitting there drinking beer like she’s in a shebeen. Ys, I changed the locks with the intention of getting exactly that type of result, And yet here they are... 10 RaeDubu BUsANI-DupE Why do they look so drained? “Baba is gone mami,” Lwandle says, He has been gone for months, with not even a phone call to say where he is. “He is a grown man, he'll come back when...” “He's gone mami. He’s dead,” Sbani. I'm quiet because I raised these kids to always tell the truth, They can lie to anyone if they want, but they know: never to lie to me. “He died early this morning. Baba and Bab’Mpande will take his body to Mbuba,” Lwandle. He is not dead, not him. He wouldn't. “What happened?” my aunt asks. “Accident,” Lwandle. Why are his eyes teary? Hes not dead, he can’t be dead. = Ole You wrap a scarf around your head, not a hat, a scarf that goes around and around until not even one of your hair strings is showing. And then...you put on a dress, one that goes all the way down to your ankles. It doesn’t have to be long sleeved, as long as it covers your shoulders and at least your whole upper arm. And then...you take another scarf and tie it across your upper body, vertical but not straight because it has to run from your left shoulder and all the way down to your right hip. ‘You walk around like that until the day arrives, but in between, you think and plan and delegate and explain things ilMESS to people who come to stare at you sitting on that mattress, They sing and pray, and then you give them food. Others leave but some stay, because they know you need them to be here, whether you know them or not. You worry about the older kids and envy the little ones who have no clue what ig going on. You want to be them, because the pain that is death doesn’t reach them. I've done this twice, but it feels like I've been doing it all my life. At this moment, Tm not sure which was more painful, doing this for Mvelo those years ago or now, doing this for someone who can never be dead to me. Thaven't cried at all. Thave done what I needed to do, got in the car and came here, to this place I haven't been to in months. A home, a place that humbles and defines all of us. Nkosana and Zandile live here now with their goats and cows and spinach and graves. I told Mqhele that day they buried bones, I said to him: “When you go to that rondavel to do whatever you'll be doing, dor't forget about Naledi’s baby, don't forget about Gugu’s two, don't forget about the one we lost...speak of them too,” He looked at me like I was trying to hurt his feelings. But! ‘wasn't. We were already at a bad place. I didn’t know ‘what he was thinking or feeling and he wasn't sure if I had betrayed him or not. We didr't talk about what happened after I left him with a gun pointed to his head. And now, months later, I'm going to sit on the mattress for his blood, again, because Zandile, the person who should 12 7Dubu BUsANI-DuBE rightfully be sitting there, won't do it. I haven't seen any of them, I came straight here to this rondavel to change to official mourning gear, but we did speak on the phone. I know he’s here. Its crazy because for all these years, I would turn around to see him behind me, not knowing how long he's been there. But now, I can feel him, it must be that I haven't seen him in along time. He came to the house, they came with him because no matter how much I don’t want him, I will never keep his children away from him. I locked myself in the bedroom every time he was in the house. ‘And how did they let him come in here on his own? He won't speak, that I know. He will stand there and watch me. ‘And that he does, until I turn around and look at him. He looks different. His hair started greying last year and I don’t understand why he has let it grow, beard too. I know he went to live with Nqoba, but Gugu came back and now I'm not sure where he is staying. “Are we going to buy a cow or use one of Nkosana’s?” I ask. It’s Tuesday today, we must bury him on Saturday. When aman dies a cow must be slaughtered, that’s a rule, or culture or custom... don't know because this is the first time we are burying one of them. “Hlomu? 13a. | ‘There is a way that only he can say my name, like he has his own meaning for it. Like he can never ever live without Mess saying it. That used to make my heart skip a bit, but not anymore, “Xolie will go look for a casket tomorrow. Nokthula and Zakithi will go with her.” I say. “Mahlomu,” He must stop this calling my name thing, we have a funeral to arrange. “Did you speak to Nkosana? Are they going to be able to get him here soon enough? It takes longer when it’s an accident, police statements and all of that...” ‘These are the things he should be concerned about. “My brother is dead Hlomu, he is dead” His voice is breaking, he’s going to cry. No, he’s already crying. Twant to hold him, press his face on my bosom and brush his head while he weeps and assure him that I'm here, as always, aie Tm not here, I will never ever be here again, not for Teave him on his knees, Weeping, ‘The ma : . ttress is in the main house, it’s waiting for me to sit on it,MgogtwokuldeNQOBA LOOKED AT both of usas we walked in, and asked: What’ going on?” He was always going to be because that’s always been his thing, sensing the one to notice something was wrong, auras and speaking on it. I could have told him that I pointed a gun at Mqhele’s forehead and that Ihave shot him if ed given me a reason to. He would have freaked out and gotten mad. Its taboo: we dont point guns at each other. I could have told him that after I lowered the gun and buckled it back on my waist, we both got in my car and drove in silence. We stopped at the Engen garage in Greytown, filled up the car, and stood outside the convenience store to smoke, in silence. I could have told him that when we were done, Mqhele tapped my shoulder and said, “Let's go home, ntwana” And then we drove back to Mbuba, in complete silence 7anything, Nqoba qo ed on two ena ne man from Marg 1 plates. They had turn before th 1 T walked in and I knoy all of us and our children, big before e had only met the da including the twins We h straining utshyala ont there — they were they knew exactly what was happening, to our grandfather ‘Thulula — is wife’ happiness, for oup but spoke his own life for hi even though he knew the sacrifice yes, the Nkosana ded man who traded father and for us to exist acost. he man from Margate said we had’to We isbophe ana + again, ‘That's why Nkosana and Mblabs hier, and that’s why there were two would come at togethe to Thulula togel cone for Sbopho and another for Nyandk, inyand spoke plates ofimpepP> ve done speaking to ghosts, they emptied When they wel from Margate oth plates into one bowl. That's what the man ved them to do, while some of the children were trying nt except Sisekelo and Langa, who st to choke from the smoke, calmly and quietly through it all. We took the bones of the people we know nothing about, newborns and adults, and we dug holes and buried them and marked their graves. They had no names but we know they bad our eyes and ‘Thulula’s blood. Then we all threw the sal into the graves, covered them and walked aws 18Dupu BUSANI-DUBE we cou! have gone back to the main house, gathered it the table and ate the feast while the children ran aroun around. | could have watched my brothers put their arms around their wh newfound children. ut that didn't happen, because as much as that whole process was meant to mark an end to who we have been all came with new things. Things like delinquent ives’ waists and Mpande doting on his out lives, it .d new children. We went back to the rondavel where the man was still waiting for us with a pack of razors. He started with the wives an‘ kids The youngest ones cried because, wel, imagine a razor cuiting the skin on the top of your head. Mabutho wanted to y—he wasn't going stand in front of that man and know why be cut for a reason he did not know. We had to let his skin force him. ‘The man said normally hed have taken us to a river, with a goat, where wed have washed with umswani and intelezi. But we did all of that inside the rondavel, pots of utshwala brewing at the centre, surrounding insika. When we were done, he wanted to leave immediately. We called the driver, Never once did he tell us if we were now good people, or if wed ever kill anyone again. But we, again, woke up to the rondavel in flames. We let it burn, never even tried to put the fire out. In the morning we gathered some of the ashes, dug up one more grave and put them in. That was our mother and father’s grave. That's what the man told us to do when he FdMess y left, He knew that rondavel was going to burn down with all utshwala and goat meat Nkosana named Mpande’s children Bayede and Madloy; i, names fitting a time where they walked into our lives, We would have slaughtered a goat for them but we still had to g0 to wherever their mother was from, and pay damages, It was over. A new beginning for us. No children dyin before they are born. I had counted: the one, Mqhele, killed himself, the one twin, Naledi, lost; the two that Gugu lost, Sbani’s twins; and Mvelo. We should have seen there was something wrong, byt then again, a lot of things had been wrong all our lives so we handled it all and moved on like we always did. But after that night, even I felt different. I was ready to donate my guns to whoever wanted them. ‘Shani was getting ready to go to rehab the following day. Lwandle was ... nobody really knew what his plans were but Nkosana was starting to soften up on him; he was ready to promote him from rank duty to an open-plan desk at Sbopho Logistics’ offices. It was great: Mqhele was obsessing over Hlomu again; Gugu was still around; Nkosana and Zandile were talking about buying a farm and leaving Joburg; Mpande was talking about putting his children in school. And me. I was just there. I had nothing to go to or continue from, now that I was a good man. ‘We had lived the same life, me and my brothers, but along the way they were building and acquiring things while I floated in between, being there for whoever needed me, 20DubU BUSANL-Dune whenever they needed me, Loving my brother's wife, @ jet that night something didnt usually do, and when the sun came up I went straight to the main house to make coffee. And there she was, standing, just standing, with her against the long cupboard. it wasnt like her, Hlomu sleeps. | regretted walking into that kitchen there and then, secause for as Tong as 1 known her, awkward moments were something that didn’t exist between us. Wed always had chemistry: that was why we had things that had stayed between Us. “ym going to make everyone breakfast,” she said, with a Jow sigh. But she wasn't doing anything, and I figured shed eed to leave that bed, that was why shed woken up so early, ifsheld slept at all. “How is he?” I asked. Ithad been three days, and to everyone they looked like their normal selves, clinging to each other like they always bacl did. “Hes fine? she said, turning away from me and opening the fridge. She looked suspicious, but she also looked intact, so I was relieved, Mghele had promised never to lay a hand on her again; hed wept and sworn on his children's lives that hed never hit her again, And, besides, the demons that had been siting on all our shoulders were gone now, and we weren't 21Mess | going to have the urge to harm anyone going forward a strange thing to feel and believe. Ity, “[ understand,” [ said. 1 was lying. I didn't, 1 still ea understand why she slept with that man, “You under: but I knew she knew exactly vnie Twas talking about, what?” She still wasn looking at, “Hlomu, I'm saying that ... “| don’t want to talk about it, Mgogi. And thank i 0? she said, opening the cupboard and pulling out five cans o¢ baked beans. [felt that ‘thank you; I knew she meant it and I knew. ‘what she was thanking me for. ts I did not see Mghele at all after that. I avoided him. And in the evening I went straight to my rondavel, tossed and turned until 3am. I came to the realisation that I had nothing, nobody. [ knew I couldn't stay, that it was time for me to go, again. ‘The bike had been sitting in the garage, behind a car, for a while, That car was left in Mbuba for Mhlaba to use whenever he needed to go somewhere, but he couldn't go anywhere, because, according to government records, he was still in prison. Tcould have started the bike there in the yard and ridden off but I didr’t want to make a noise so T pushed it all the way to the gate, opened it slightly, and pushed it out. I was not sure where I was going, but I knew Id figure it out. 1 alwaysDubu BUSANL-Dune do. rhe first time Hl left, was just a boy. had no money and po bike then. 1 hitehhiked and ended up under a bridge, sland hungry: but fee, And [found Gabby, but {couldnt goto her 10% the second time Id disappeared wasnita child any more, skew that when my brothers woke up a couple of hours str, theyt Know Twas gone, And then they would have to make up yet another lie to their wives about where I was and why. Oo. Now I'm sitting here, still not sure what possessed me to come to this motherfucking township, where clearly people have no respect for the dead, It’s a parade of big hats and designer suits by those who are here just for the sake of being seen. But its tears and tissues for the old woman and the big woman sitting on the front bench. The little girl in the black swith the pink bow on her head has been fidgeting dress leaning more on the old woman's arm than she throughout, does on her mother’s. came here for her, the mother. There's sadness on her face but [see relief too. Who would have thought that I, Mgoqi, would end up at the funeral of this man? Hed died a week after I left his bedside at that hospice, with no clue about the shit hed left behind 23Mess > | 'm here because I'm curious, and maybe even, bitter, about how a man so insignificant could ah litte sh me 4 tL wag Woman far as this idiot lying in that coffin did, so far gone tha ready to shoot my own brother if he dared harm the he loves with his life and more. I know her name is Labliwe, and I know they hay, here. She has a blanket over her shoulders but I don't ne he her cries at all. That man had been dead for a long time.” im was still breathing and talking, but are you still a man = he can’t even lift your hand? You Mkhize was... nothing, really. IfT hadnt found that gig I wouldn't even have remembered Id once almost given hin a backhand slap at a mall years ago. But I don't start things unless | plan to finish them, and I wanted to see him go down into the grave. Thave to keep the sunglasses and hat on because the las thing I want is someone recognising me. ‘The eulogy is read out by a teenage girl who speaks the same English as those kids of ours, tongue rolling and nasals shut. She calls him “malume’, says she looked up to him because he was intelligent. I see. He was highly educated: the list of degrees and accomplishments is proof. And with all that, he was still stupid enough to do what he did. “Sorry” this woman says, squeezing herself into the smal space between me and the person closest to me on this bench. ‘This is why I don't go to church. It’s a place where yo" cantt not be nice. People do all kinds of evil things for si days straight, then come to these places on the seventh day 24Dubu Busant- Dun toact holy. | fold my arms and squeeze my knees together so 1 can ghrink myself enough fo make her comfortable she smells nice fresh. Ti sit here and happily inhale her scent ifthe brim of her big black hat wasnt scratching my cheek every time she moved her shoulders. (On her phone screen is a picture of two children, a girl anda litle boy. im sil admiring their cuteness when she tps on the WhatsApp ap a pul the phone close to her face. ‘That's it, then. Its speaking 0” behalf of colleagues. Mkhize was a successful Tt would mean something to me, and maybe accountant. some respect for him, but the fact is, accountants work and I don't even have a post-matric certificate, not ce dodgy unregistered colleges in the Joburg back to the speeches. Now it's a man even for me even from tho: cB. years ago but there were cash heists Tried to get a degree to be done and the art of stealing doesn't really afford one the opportunity t0 finish an exam paper before shooting up acash van and walking away with bags filled with millions. No. Not this. 1 sat at the back of this church because I didn’t want to be seen, but more than that, because I didn’t want anyone crying next to me. This part of the church is supposed to te accommodating people who are here because they have nowhere else to be. This sniffling and snorting and tears ... Tm not here for that. The old lady sitting on the bench in front of us turns and 25Muss ™ hands her a tissue. She eries harder ~ not loud, just inte, grief that's making me very uncomfortable, | Notice in hands are shaking, probably because she's SUpPressing tel sobs. What she wants to do is wail, maybe even rol] on iy floor with her arms outstretched, like some women do a funerals. ‘he only person I ever cried for uncontrollably, roljeg on the floor and punched the wall for, was Mvelo. But 1 diq all of that when I was alone, because we don't do that, And it’s not even about us being emotionless men, its about ug understanding that we don't have the right to do that, because weve killed so many people, we should not be rolling on floors and punching walls when other people kill us. She’ back on WhatsApp, still sniffling, her eyes red. People at the front are getting up to view the body and leave money in the plate. I have no desire to see MKhizes dead body. “Are you sure you want to go there?” I ask her, when she gets up and almost falls into my lap. She looks at me, balancing her hand on my knee, clearly irritated by my question. I should have kept my mouth shut because now she’s looking at me with that look only women can give you, before they tell you shit. That's one of the strangest things about women: they can do a whole lot of things while crying, including running their mouths and being extremely rude while at it. “If your giraffe legs weren't blocking the way, this wouldn't have happened, Now move! I don't even know yous she s@y5: 26Dupu BUSANL-DUpE, rim dragging my giraffe legs out of here. I have places to be. 27“sO, WHO IS going to start talking?” ‘Twelve bottles. Twelve. Among them four 25-year-olg ld Rip Van Winkle bottles I had shipped here, all the way here from the US. ‘They are all still quiet. Twelve minutes since I sat down here and they stood over there, leaning against the wall, some with hands in pockets and others with arms folded, None of them have realised how far this can go. “The problem here is ningjwayela amasimba,’ I say, ‘They can gasp all they want, the fact of the matter is, nobody is leaving this room until I know who I will make bleed tonight. I opened this club three years ago. My brothers were against it, said we had enough shit going on in the ‘transport business, we didn’t need to be fighting for turf with white mafia and deadly Nigerians. But the taxi business was never a thing I wanted to do with my life. Its a place where you always end up having to kill someone, whether you are up 28Dubu BusANI-Dupe to it or not Tentered the nightclub business because of that, and yet here Lam... “['m not going to fire anyone ...” ‘They look relieved. “[m going to kill someone” Now they're shocked. “It was Xavier, boss. He did it? someone blurts out. Its the boy I met at Harem late last year. He took our orders, brought us exactly what we asked for, and at the end of the night brought an accurate bill, all without a notepad in his hand. I found him the next morning and offered him ajob here. “Tell me exactly what happened,” I say. He looks at Xavier. look at him. He’s the snitch. He must finish what he started. “Bonolo, I'm talking to you. Where is my stock?” Xavier clears his throat. Clearly, he has come to his senses, buthe keeps his hands in his pockets and looks down, quietly. I see I'll be taking him on a bike ride after this. “He lent the bottles to his brother, boss. His brother wanted to get some tender so he had to entertain some Politicians. So they came here and Xavier took out the bottles and pretended that his brother paid for them. So they drank them and they smoked the cigars, the ones you said must never be touched. They also used the VIP Lounge for free. Xavier said his brother would replace the bottles within a Week, and we all believed him.” “When you say ‘we, who are you talking about?” There 29Mess ™ are twenty-three people here. *Xavier, me, and them,” he says, pointing. ay 4 brothers with the beards, I know they are brothers uy. sbut know which one is older. Great “The rest of you can go. We open in twenty minut my stock?” The four of you: where Bonolo must think I'm keeping him here because he js, singing bird, but no, he was as much in it as them. ‘Th a probably rough him up when I'm gone but he’s the only a keeping his job, because every business needs a snitch, “You can sit,” I say. They don't move. Okay. I move to sit on the two-seate, a couch. They move to squeeze themselves together on another two-seater couch across from me. “{ hired all of you to run this place. I pay you money nobody can ever pay you in this business, and instead yoy steal from me? You think because I don't come here, I worit know? Xavier?” If I were him, I'd be sitting very close to the door, He knows exactly how much those bottles cost, because he’s been in this business for years. That’s why I hired him. “My brother will replace them ...” “Your brother doesn’t have shit. And he’s not getting that tender.” “We'll make a plan,” he says and folds his arms. What plan? This kid is trying to test me. “You stole from me, Xavier.” He leans forward and looks at me. “But, Mgogi wi 30 |Dupv Busant-Dupe ou said it yourself, I've re at Blazer stays here, pens het wu, I'm sure somell hap s for yo one thing pottles of expensive sce where he’ going with this: leshlama thinks we are ng as simple as three bourbon can't come between us.” aan can go, Bonolo. Go to work. The two of you: fuck off. vier, stay here: we need to talk” He has crossed the line. | don't owe anyone shit, not in don't care what they've done for me: as long as 1 id them to do it, they have no right to blackmail me. Yes, n flow frely here now and then ~ wrong and shady, yes: but good and pure cocaine can't be an issue when re out there sniffing that trashy shit they call ntash. low it in the VIP Lounge, where people pay see ied: Xo nis lie. | rvelet cocaine cope a Besides, Lonly @ real mone}: : ripened thsi herein Witbank fr a reason: isan hour away from Gauteng but its in another province, a “drive wince to get anywhere in this country. During the past” pro dh , day it could be an office building, but at night, the top floor comes alive. “re you threatening me, Xavier?” tHe shakes his head, but his eyes are giving me @ clear answer. So what are you saying?” “Im saying that the frequent-client list is stored in my iCloud, and that it’s not always the Instagram slay queens ‘who walk in here and straight to the VIP Lounge. Some of them are from that boarding school down the road. You can't really tell when they are covered in make-up and wearing 31Mess long weaves but 'm sure thie, arEntS couy them in videos si, What the fuck i he talking aboute No 0 allowed here tha the number-one ruje ye iy 2 HN MED, 100, and fn men who come here for privacy dont re had some eping up to the surface” lot, Ishe crazy? Who does he think he’ “You sid let some things ae te ee > he say MET Soy slide? he says and shrugs, hing “And you have videos and pictues, Xavier» He nods, satisfied with himself see. Now Ihave no choice but to kil him, nd thea, this club down, and then call Mpande to hack him digg everything out, but thats if hel agree because Parente doesnt do these things any more, he has kis, “Doyouunderstand that nowT'm gonna haveto lly Xavier laughs. Cleary, he doestit, Honesty Ive hada hectic two months, 00 hectig vith Mati starting shit, telling us we have problems we id Koow existed. It werent for what Phakeme di, ve wou never have pursued any of that stuff Sisekelo is turning 14 soon, and he is a strange child, shild of fires and ghosts, ‘The man from Margate said Shani and Lyvandle, and ts not that they don't have their own flaws, he said they wen! Past that age without any troubles because Hlomu ‘had them Under her skirts’ whatever that means. He spoke of Hlom Ue she was thing that we could never be without. MyDubu BUSANI-DuBE brothers believed him; they looked at how everything was easy after she came into our lives. Yes, we still went and did the things we did before her, but we did them knowing we had her to go back home to, She was home, she has been from the beginning, but she was home to me before she was home to Mqhele and maybe that’s why I don't regret almost shooting him. And now, soon after we did all those things that were supposed to make us never ever find killing people easy Xavier is happening, and I'm pretty sure engaging with him further is a total waste of my time. “Let's take a ride” Tm just saying that. I know he's not just going to follow me out the back door and hop on the bike with me. I can't even shoot him dead here because it's still early and the club is still quiet. In fact, I can't do anything to him, not here, not now. But I can beat the shit out of him and then leave him to bleed it out ... “Happy birthday!” she shouts, then stops, her mouth open. What makes people just open doors and enter rooms without knocking? And it's not my fucking birthday. And 1 told her to come after 9pm. “What's going on?” she asks. Yerrrr ... “Nothing, I was just helping him up. Go back to work” Xavier gets up quickly and rushes out of the room. She has three balloons, a thing in a box wrapped in shiny 33MEss navy paper and a book. On the balloons it’s written “Hayy Birthday”, Its not my fucking birthday. My birthday as month ago. She hands me the box and lets the balloons fly all the way stuck on the ceiling board. up and stay there, were you doing “That guy didn't look happy. What him?” She's always asking questions, this one- “Nothing” To telling the truth: I was still just talking to him. “My birthday was a month ago You know?” I know she knows. She never forgets ™Y birthday and! never forget hers. In fact, [getanxiety whenever itapproaci® ar I bought he °'m always scared I'll forget it. Last ye use she said ont choose the she seat me ight times because one of those little Mercedes Benzes beca' that it was her dream car. I didn’t see oF found out what colour it was through a picture on WhatsApp after she tried to call me about ¢ii sven it was delivered to her office. Twas in a meetin day I do things for her, but its not because I love het 1 know I don't. Its probably because I have nobody to do thing® Hor “Open it? she says, indicating the box with her eye she cats] always looks excited. he The box is heavy. How she was able to carry it all the W" bein I don't know, It’s a coffee machine, a Breville B press Espresso Machine, the one that’s been sold out fot arist months. “Where did you find it?” “Ihave ys,” a Betsy ways,” she says, impressed with herself. he jump-for-joy type but I'm happy. She makes 34Dupu BusANt-Dubt 1 when she’s done making me happy, she And je happy analyses me, claims I have two personalities. She says Ta thug who reads books ee 7.45pm.” Does she care? I doubt it a fi Hage yo didn’t tell me you were in town. I Fic Gian one of sal babe? -. he girl at the entrance, the one who puts everything chika in ple dahl cna there, and I would've called her into order for telling people ~“Boss is here, we cant breathe” ~ but I had to address the sue ofthe alcohol thieves, a bigger problem, An even bigger problem is that this one here saw it and called me, and now shes here with balloons and birthday gifts, “Thavent seen you in three months” she says, Thaver't seer m anyone I'm not related to in three months, unless [had to, "had to take care of some things. How here. You look beautiful, as al She smiles. It doesn't ‘ne-Unlike Thobi. My and even if they did, are you? Come ays?” take a lotto get a smile out of this brothers still don't know about Thobi, » they cll het “one of my y tell me you were het Tim just py Sherols her eyes, Wy Sit even mean? She throws Cost ne MEI on the othe, women, ree” ‘Durban, p, to, as lies back, ankles Dhak gs and smiles that smile ho look like her almostalways have a deep voice. [love looking at her. She's beautiful in a weird j YE of way, a way that only I can see and understand. And ity og just her black gums and scissor legs, it her big bran ng mean streak. ‘Years ago she tried to blackmail me, that’ how I meth; “like you in a suit. It makes you look, I don't knoy, safer. It’s those hoodies that you wear all the time that I dont like, There’ just something about the way you look when you're in them .. a laugh. She also makes me laugh. ‘The only reason I wore a suit today was because I knew! ave to mingle with guests here. My clubs dort was going to h so I wasn't going to allow anyone in hoodies and sneakers in, show up wearing those. “Where have you been, Mqoqi? I haven't seen you, not even in the tabloids, for months. Of course, you're always there for fuck-boy reasons, but ...” It embarrasses me that at my age I still have the fuck- boy label attached to my name. “What case are you working on now?” I know that face, and I know she knows I don't want f0 talk about where I've been. I admire how she always knows when to back down, “Okay, so first of all, I'm short staffed because, you know |. she says and raises her arms. “But I have this case of this woman who wants me to dig up dirt on her husband. She doesn't want to divorce him, but she wants to have something on him and she wants him to know that she does, so that she xi Dupu Busant-DUBE can do whatever she wants while still married to him” “why?” “The guy is a big shot, swner, Pm sure you know him but J worrt tell you a very successful construction- company his name.” She neve so this guy, his company gota RI a parastatal. ‘And you know how he got it?” ot alot of money to make your wife want to blackmail “we all know that you have to bribe someone are er does give me names. I respect that about her. 13-million tender from It’s n¢ you, but .. to get a tender, yo ‘der and youre known for delivering. So this guy, the make sure he got the tender, didn’t 1 don't just get it because your books in 0} person who was going to want money. Guess what he wanted?” I can guess. It happens. “Go the husband told the wife about it, because, You know, LLB million is not little money. And the wife agreed, went ona weekend getaway with the man, and the tender issue was settled and confirmed.” It happens. “and you know what, Mqoqi? You always give me the look when I tell you men are dumb. This wife were talking about is 29 and the husband is 51. He left his first wife for her, frst tender he got, and he was looking for a bright young thing. He married the first one who paid attention to him and now they live in Waterkloof and drive big cars. “So he got the tender, yes, but the problem ab secured it didet end on that weekend away. Moghel and the uy are still fucking and he doesn't know. Now she wants 37Mess to have something on him, so that if or when he fin sq IVE Me this mg € days, you puts and decides to divorce her, she can say, money or J talk, and it’s easy to talk thes. on Twitter and that’s it” ‘This old guy is in shit. “Thaven't found anything yet except for the usual politics that can easily be blown off. But I'm going to find somethix, and I'm going to make sure it's dirty, because what kind o man asks his wife to sleep with another man just so he cn get rich? I don’t blame Se— She stops before it slips. “But she also—” I try to chip in, but she knows exactly whe I'm about to go and cuts me off. “Its his fault?” And I know she’s about to go on and on about how mac the wife is justified and call her a queen and if I push furthe" she’s going to start telling me about how we men see noe as nothing but talking vaginas. And a few hours from now! be sweating all over her. That’s why she’s here. ‘The door opens slightly. Its Bonolo, “Boss, your broth! has just parked outside” How the hell did they find me? She knows she must les” through the back door. “Anyway, besides the birthday thing, I came here tot! you that your favourite girl ‘satit again. Amanda, or whateve! she calls herself these days. She's very smart. I admire het She comes back stronger each time, she says, kissing me 0" the lips while grabbing my penis, Then she leaves, 38Dupu BUSANI-DUBE Great. Mpande, followed by Mhlaba. I thought wed agreed to keep Mhlaba in Mbuba because his status still says “incarcerated”. ‘And when the hell did Nkangala come back? a 39“T SMELLS LIKE a woman in here,” Mhlaba says sniffing the air. “How do you know what women smell like, wend, 4 whole fourteen years ushay'indlwabu?” He laughs, because that’s what Mbhlaba always does. 5 for only five years Yes, he went to jail for me, but that wa: hing to 40 Whatever he stayed in jail for after that had not! with me. But it really does smell like a woman in here: sthembile’ perfume. “You had a birthday party?” Mhlaba again. The balloons are still up there on the ceiling and the box is still on the desk I’m going to ignore him because I know he doesn’t know when my birthday is. Mpande hasn't said anything stupid, or anything at all, and the fact that hes brought Nkangala with him means something serious has brought him here. 1 won't ask him how he found me this time, because my brother can find 40Dupu BusANI-DuBE coin in the ocean. acingwane, go grab a drink” he says to Nkangala Mhlaba follows him out. “{ see we've forgiven Nkangala,” I say as I watch him settle down on the same spot Xavier had been sitting. The plan was always that Nkangala follow Gugu around while she was away trying to find whatever she was looking for. But he got too close to her, and he knew he had to run after that. “He's okay? he says, waving a hand dismissively. The leg bouncing has started. He always does this when he’s frustrated. “How are the boys?” I'm going to keep asking him questions until he gets to the point where he talks. I know how to handle him. “Are they staying with Zandile?” He’ bouncing both legs now. The problem with Mpande is you can't even offer him a beer or a cigarette or zol. That's why he is so complicated. “Where is Mghele?” “He’s staying at Nqoba’s house now.” What? Mqhele has left his house? Mqhele would never leave Hlomu. Hed never go to bed without her or their children under his roof. I thought I fixed that Sandile thing. Now what is this? “Why? When did that—?” He raises his hand to stop me. _“Ididn't come here for that, ndoda. You're the last person Td come to with women problems, you know that,’ he says- Women problems, yes, because nobody ever really takes Mpande’s women problems seriously. If he survived Gwen. aIaf Mrss g he can survive any woman, So the fet that he yyy a ~— - 'S fay wracking me down jst f ak about “women py strange. The bouncing legs make it even more Worrying ie been his thing since he was about 15 and it annoys the = out ofall ofus. Itgot worse when Zandile went to jai, Hea 5 auiety, biting his nails. But he stopped the nail-biting thing. we made him stop, because what kind of man bites his nailge Weil have a whole conversation with him Present in the room but hei hear nota single word. Mahele kept tying make him try smoking, but he wouldn't. Nkosana had a better plan. He took him to Crown Mines on a quiet Sunday and gave him a gun. He said to him, “Empty it? That’s been Mpande’s stress reliever since he was 16, firing guns at shooting ranges, yet he’s never shot anyone dead. Strange. Years ago, I took it upon myself to figure out what’s wrong with him. They call it anxiety, I found that out in a book | read whose title I can't remember. “Twant Thando to stay, but I love Ndoni,” he says. So that’ why he’s here. He shouldn't have come to me, nol when he’ like this. I don’t know this Mpande, the one who Bels stuck between two women. I know the Mpande who. Tk me, can have them all at once. Thave to think about my children, and that means siden in my house, All the shit she did a thngen, : at matters is my kids, Pm not going a "a We dont : ip rea Mother here and a stepmother the nt do that; it has Never worked with us. We ke¢P Our offspri : Pring and their beaters under one roof because "®Dupu Busant-DuBE can't have the Nkosana mess again. That having been said, 'm rot the person he should have come to with this, Sambulo, maybe, yes “What does Thando say?” I ask. She's not going anywhere without the kids. She’s their mother. They don’t know me.” Hes always had a soft spot for that ‘Thando girl, The Mpande I know wouldn't be here, thinking about her feelings and wants, when she deliberately hid his kids from him, “What does Ndoni say?” He sighs, but atleast the leg bouncing has stopped, which means he’ getting calmer, and thats because he’ talking and Ymhere in front of him, listening. “Ndoni thinks Thando is nothing to worry about. She thinks nothing has changed, that ‘Thando will disappear, and Hlomu or Zandile will take care of the kids while she and I continue with our relationship as it is.” I'm not surprised. That sounds exactly like Ndoni. She's been in this family for two years but she still thinks it’s just herand Mpande in the relationship. ‘The problem with that girl is that she doesn't know shit about anything here. She thinks just because her father is our person, she can make therules. “Make a choice, ndoda. It's up to you.” That’ all [ have to offer. have nothing else. Because issues like these are not the type of stuff Mpande and I have had to worry ourselves about. We've: always been carefree asshole idiots. We do what We want to do, when we want and how we want. That's the best thing about having many siblings older than you: you're 43Mess Ny always considered young, even after you reach 35, = easier when you're a millionaire before you tum 39, “Are you done?” Its Mhlaba, I'm not sure if we're done but I told ny ‘ Pandy what I think. Besides, he’ a grown mans he should be sn able tg figure it out. “Now we need to talk about important things, Not this... thing you two are discussing because ... ntwana, you ha, two women, you want both of them for different reasons, 80 keep both of them, Umazi uyasetshenzwa, athambe. I can take you to a man I know,’ he says as he sits next to Mpande We're many things but witchcraft, nope, that’s not our thing. Ngcobo always says the same thing Mbhlaba just said, that a man having one woman is the worst form of self- torture. But then again, it’s Ngcobo. “How are you, ntwana? What are you doing here? Ulalaphi? You left Mbuba like a ghost, in the middle of the night. What's wrong with you? You've been gone for a whole two months,” Again, why is he here? ‘Tm a grown man, Mhlaba. I'm not going to explain myself to you” see the switch in his face, the one that Ngoba also has. They're similar; too similat. They laugh a lot but you always have olookin their eyes to know exactly where you are with them me leans forward, elbows on his thighs, a habit we all have. wot here for your little-boy problems, The two of you don't w, ANN'© GrOW up, [can see that. Obafo are dealing with 44Dupu BUSANL-Dupe their own shit, wives running off and all” he says, as i is nothing, so now he’ the one keeping us in line? “When was the last time you heard anything about Mahlubi?” he asks. I look at Mpande, He has his face in his hands. Why are we discussing Mahlubi {im asking both of you.” Mpande shakes his head. The last time I saw Mahlubi or his brother Mthunzi was the morning after the robbery that landed Mhlaba in jal. Look, we were just kids, me 18 and Mthunzi 19, and it wasn't like we had not done robberies before, it’s just that we decided to do that one without our brothers. Mthunai’s girl restaurant in some dingy corner there in Weltevreden Park. She said the Chinese didn’t put money in the bank, they kept it in the lat they lived in, above the restaurant, It was going to be easy, except she didr't specify where exactly in the flat they stashed the money. We spent three hours in that flat, a whole three hours, with three Chinese people tied to chairs. They neither spoke nor understood English, so maybe they did try to tell us where the money was, we just didn’t understand. Our guns weren't even real because our brothers didn’t let us friend was a waiter at some Chinese walk around carrying guns. We left the flat with only R1 800 we found in the man’s wallet, but not before Mthunzi beat the man so bad I heard he ent blind in one eye. Of course, we found Mahlubi waiting for us when we arrived at Mthunzi’ rented backroom in 45—_— Mess ‘As to how we thought we could organise and pyy) our own, without him knowing, I still do nox we were just boys, and boys that age thrive Betrams. offa robbery on understand. But on stupidity: ve didnit ask questions, he just locked the door and wen wild, beating us with a hosepipe. He knew exactly where wed been and what weld done. But I wasn't going to be battered by any man unless it was Nkosana, and I fought my way out of that room and ran for my life. Mahlubi never told my brothers about that robbery. They I] would never have known had Mhlaba not walked into stil s later to buy I dort that same Chinese restaurant five year: know what because there was no way he was there for the food, The next thing he knew he was being picked up by the police, handcuffed and put in a van. He doesn’t talk much about what hap; but the one-eyed Chinese man testified in court that he was definitely the man whod tortured his family. But he won that case, he could have walked free that day, but he had to g° on yet another trial because they had already charged him with a cash heist he knew nothing about. In the end he got five years, and the Chinese family went back to their country: Apparently they had been robbed five times after us» and all those other robbers stole thousands from them. My brothers got that call from Mhlaba years later and two weeks later we became celebrities ~ the worst thing weirs ts The fame was annoying but it was — rata whoa, of people recognising us and gor ° er crimes they'd witnessed us committing pened after thatDubu BUSANI-DuBE We had to start paying some cops. s, what does Mahlubi want? It can't be revenge. “Why are you asking about Mahlubi?” 1'm probably the only one who doesn’t already know. He was spotted in Mpumalanga, but he’ disappeared again. He went for sdudl’s sister” This idiot! But Mpande calls him to order before I do. “You can't call Qhawe’s wife sdudla, Mhlaba. Don't do that. Her name is Naledi.” “Which sister?” “Lesedi.” Mpande. Every time I hear her name, my balls freeze. Every time I see her, [feel like she sees right through me. “He wouldn't,” I say. Because he knows not to test Qhawe like that, not to test all of us. “What I'm trying to tell you is, you need to come back home. This gallivanting thing you're doing will get you killed. You're a sitting duck. The Bhunganes will come for you once they find out you're alone somewhere?” Thear Mhlaba but I don’t think Mahlubi cares about me. Its Mqhele he'll go for if his plan is to get revenge. “Hes right,’ Mpande says. He’s been too quiet. “And things are shit back home. Mqhele is fucked up. He just showed up at Nqobas house with a suitcase and he’s been there since. Wedor't let him go to his house alone to see the kids because you know him. Nkosana took all his guns. This whole thing “out his dead twin messed him up real bad.” snot the twin thing, it’s the Sandile thing, which nobody i 47MEss else knows about except me and him. “fll be back home tomorrow.” I know Mpande has doubts, but he gets up to leave anyway, Mhlaba has done what he came here to do. He’ leaving it all up to me. “I'm driving. I can’t trust you to drive when you're this stressed. Nkangala must be drunk by now? “You don't have a driver's licence, Mhlaba, you have an active prison number. That’s why we only travel with you at night, using back roads” Mpande. Under normal circumstances, it would have been a funny joke I walk them out through the back door. ®... ‘The club is already buzzing, but I’m not going out there, not tonight. Xavier must thank his ancestors. I have a hotel room and a woman waiting for me. And in the morning, I know exactly where I need to go. Mahlubi will find me when he does. Right now, I need © fix what is broken, ih 8 e aa SLaldiweTHERE ARE MANY ways of fighting back. I know three. vou sharpen your nails and claw the life out of thems you kill them with kindness; or you die and let grief and guilt haunt them to the core. it doesn't matter that you get to a point where you no longer know who you are fighting and why, or that you are fighting the wrong people. You Keep clawing and scowling because you'd rather be the monster than the victim. I clawed the life out of my husband bit by bit throughout the five years of our marriage. His revenge was dying and leaving me like this. It’s his fault that I’'m here, in this place \where, ofall the ways they could test me, they chose to make me share a room with Marieke. I knew when she walked in here with that fok-nee-man hairstyle that she was probably from Brakpan or Boksburg ae to hide my purse. She’ nice, though, that type of white people are to black people when other white People look down on them. > 51~ the first thing I asked her, after shed unpac acke stuff into the wardrobe, was why she was here eked hey “My mistake was falling in love with Jaco, 5 . Firs i t weed and the next thing I knew I was on cocaine, ity, » a things” she said, Jaco is her boyfriend. She talks ss iin all the time, and although she blames him for turning h into a junkie, I know she’s strongly attached to him. I can . it in her eyes. “So my parents went to find me in Hilly and dragged me here,’ she said. She wanted to tell me more about Jaco and how her fathe, chased him down the streets of that Sodom-and-gomorn called Hillbrow, but I had my own things to worry about Besides, I don't want to hear anything about Hillbrow. Yeas ago [exited that place on foot, at high speed, wearing nothing but a bra and leggings, on a night Id rather not talk abou. Now I'm here because apparently I have been overcome with grief and I can’t function. Or maybe, like Sandile onc: told me, I'm bitter and angry and wounded, and I need he? T'm a 32-year-old widow and I didn’t even see it coming ust [ was siting on the other side of the table listening doctor tell me, “It’s really bad, Mrs Mkhize” Before that, my husband had complained abe! : headache that kept coming and going, and then hed be iz forced hit th trembliné downhill jieve 7 and sleepy all the time. I put my foot down an! into the car when he woke up one morning W" hands and bloodshot eyes. From then on it was ‘The doctor said it was already stage four. Tdidn't be at first because, fst ofall, the man wasntt even 407662” wast the dumb type, so how could he have not R22" ir a2 _ aDupu BUSANI-DuBE there was something wrong with his balls? ear and I was happy because, We hadn't had sex in a didn’t want to, The last time Td lain on my back honestly, I and fake-moaned, it took eight minutes. After that I did what Idid every time, I went to the bathroom and pretended I was wiping myself clean, When T got back into bed, I kissed him and told him he was the best. It wasn't always eight minutes, years of our relationship, it was steamy. We were horny goats. ve eared chemotherapy but he couldit handle it, He gave uptoo quickly and too easily, and on the day he held my hand ook for a hospice, I looked at my daughter and told me t0 vg reaied [had filed her again. 14 married Sandile for her and nothing else. I believe it was the same with him. I think tht if | hadn't gotten pregnant, we would've gone our separate ways. refore | pinned him down, my company had been a service provider to him. T loved that he was educated and that he dressed well, but I wasn't planning on sleeping with im at the Bushfire Festival, you know: In the first two him, not until | bumped into hii casual and drunk. I was still in my 20s then, carefree and obsessed with proving I was a sexual being, to myself and whomever believed women had to reserve their vaginas for men who would decide they were worthy of their surname, He recognised me immediately. Heand his crew were sleeping at a guesthouse. My friends and I had gone with the cheaper option of sleeping in the tents within the venue. I didn’t sleep in the tent that night. I left with him and had the best sex Id ever had in my life. 53Mess I swore to my friends when 1 returned the ney that it was a once-off thing, but then that mang, wizardry. Thats probably why his genitals kitleg fae x end iny, Our thing continued when we went back to Dusky AS shocked y, he asked me to marry him, and most of my friends tq, hey i eh grow up without her father. Nope, I wasnt going toy silly me got pregnant along the way. I w, convince me otherwise, but I wasn't going to let in cycle continue. His mother didn't like me. She seemed t0 have a hy feeling about me from the beginning. And when he yy dying, I knew the worst was coming, They y tried t0 take the house and the cars and everything we owned. But as Is my husband was smart: he left a will which even I havent yet seen, two months after he died. They tried to make me wear a black dress and black panties for a whole year, but I said no, because Sandile was not about that life. They looked at me funny when T laughed and they didn't understand why I wanted to go back to my house and my job a week after we buried him, ‘They didn't understand. Nobody can ever understand how it feels to wake up every morning knowing that deathis imminent, to watch someone deteriorate to bones covered in skin, and wonder if this isn't the last time you wash his fact and apply lotion on his feet. c I started grieving for Sandile the day he spoke ofa ee and that was months before he took his last breath. [told hi ge maybe thet loved him every day he lay on that bed, because may>DUDU BUSANL-Dune sx what he needed 10 Heat 80 he could go in peace, Hut said it 100 [was trying (0 convince myself more than I was trying king down at my hands, because 1 knew, { knew that jo convince him. at his funeral, I wailed and banged on his coffin fists and screamed “Why?” Why did he choose he was the only one who could live with Leried with both my to die on me when me? ‘and when I was event I walked aay even angrier. When anger hadn't ything for me two weeks ago, I called my doctor ask questions, she just wrote me a referral Jetter to come here for twenty-one days. She said it was what 1 needed, and she said it politely with her hand on top of rere begging me to say yes. sine, Her eyes W6 Fmaolweni Spiritual Healing Centre, that’s what its clea, whichis why I dont understand why Marieke is here instead of in rehab. tive knovin her for only five days but she’ already told me aller family’s shady history. “\fy Pa once beat me to a pulp with a sjambok and fists and kicks [turned green, Lals. Lwas green all over my body. [vas 12. Ma made me stay inside the house for a whole ‘week, She said the worst thing that could happen was if the neighbours saw me looking like that,’ she told me on the second day, “You know hoekom, Lals?” she asked. How could I possibly know? “Paisa big thing in church, Ma has to protect his image.” done causing a scene and left that done any friend. She didn’t 55Mess ‘The way she spoke about her father was confusi she didnt even seem angry about it, There was ae cule ie ley dayivhicn shat sla mg of endearment, &' guns and made her litle brother potiy i how he owned ‘m often, All the information she shares is volunteered ere, T never ask and I never say anything about my own j i because, really, what’ there to share? I have no shit : iithead father. Fhave a beautiful daughter, and my husband prepare) death, financially if not emotionally. ther me for life after his #’s back in the room when I hear shuffling ai ‘om door before she bangs onit 1s” thing. Nobody calls me tht 1 know sh humming. I open the batho‘ and shouts that irritating “Lal: Tve always been called Lale because I insist on it. IT know that today is one of those days when is on steroids. “what are you looking for?” earched every shelf and open’ her anxiety ed every cupboard it She’ s this room. “My lighter. Where is it?” We're not allowed © ee? anything flammable because some of us here coset thers. T came here with a lighter. Tey 10OK 27 ve < not my lighter. [hid it” She sounds desper#t™ yea she says, waving a single loose joint in Y face gil Shembe! Wherever she got it, I don't now: Bat it ’s where id be the top of the cupboard because that pink lighter.Dubu BUSANL-DuUpE “You're a star, Lals!” she says and opens the balcony door. If she gets caught we'll both be punished for this, but I've lived with Marieke long enough to know she isn't interested in shedding her addiction, She just wants to do her twenty. one days and get out of here. My guess is her first stop will be Hillbrow, to look for Jaco and continue where they left off “Where on earth did you get that?” I ask. She’s finished smoking half of it and stashed the rest under the small mat on the balcony. “Some guy. He arrived last night. Tall, with weird eyes, but at least he’s usefull” she says and sprays air freshener all over herself, She hasn't showered in two days and I won't even ask. We have to be at the Aura Room in ten minutes. Marieke loves going to those sessions because she gets to do her favourite thing - talking. I never know what to say because my being here is a sham anyway. I'm fine and, honestly, 'm not crazy like all these people here. Weenter when everyone is already seated in a circle. There are two empty chairs next to each other. Good, because the white girl is high, and if anyone finds out, I'll be in trouble too. “There's my weed guy.” she says, pointing at some guy who looks like hed rather be anywhere else than here. If he didn’t look so familiar I wouldn't pay any attention to him, but actually I know who he is. I just don’t know which one heis. Senzi walks in just as I beg Marieke to compose herself, It always gets quiet when Senzi walks in, like everyone expects her to miraculously speak their madness away. She’s 57Mess rapist and all she does is make us « a therapist 1 step to healing is accepting you haye first ste| here to get a break from my mother. just here Sh A PrOblen, in-lay 8 . ang : husband's famil every time I'm askeq j, Uy of f thew about Sandile and how I'm struggling them a him ; f v aricke always makes’ that funny Face hey because she doesn't believe I'm telling the truth, She am ecaus as, Id talk about him like she talks about Jaco, sip was, Anyway, Senzi asks the two new people, iMcluding “ Me Hedin en over, weed guy, to introduce themselves. I'm not interes first one: he’ just another weak ass who hasnt got divorce three years later. The weed guy is who I'm interested in. Hes wea j Makin id. Seng has to ask him twice to stand up and introduce himselp “My name is Mgoqiwokuhle” hoodie and he keeps pulling the two strings together, the hood cover half his face and wrinkle his forchea, “Hi, Mgogiwokuhle,” we all say in unison. Ita rule her. Apparently it’s supposed to make him feel welcome and comfortable, He clears his throat and looks at Senzi, “Why are you here, Mgoqi?” Senzi, Oh, she knows him. I also want to know: He takes a deep sigh before he speaks. “I almost shot my brother. Ym here because T don't regret it, so I figured that maybe there’s something Wrong with me.” Senzi nods and moves on to the next person, Manqobs, who's hete because he lies and believes his own lies. He still 58Dubu BusANI-DuBE , even in these sessions, I would have loved to hear more from the weed guy and iy he isn't in jail for trying to shoot someone in the first ace, but its Monday, and on Mondays Senzi never goes ep. She always looks like she has her own problems to deal ith, which frustrates the crap out of Marieke, because it robs r of the opportunity to talk about why all her problems from not being hugged as a child Iskip dinner again because I need to talk to my daughter Skype before 7pm. If I'm not in front of the computer ten nutes early, my sister-in-law tells me she’ already sleeping nd if try to argue, my mother-in-law’s face appears on the een to tell me how I abandoned my own child to go on joliday somewhere. “Sandile didn’t work tirelessly all his life for this, If he still alive, his child wouldnt be going through all this jonsense,” she said two days ago. Iwould have sworn at her if I trusted her enough with my wughter, but Zothile is 5 years old and I'm not sure if shed ‘ell me if she was being abused. 3 Ovi Marieke walks in with her new friend just as I log off and unplug the computer. We aren't allowed to have people in Our rooms after 8pm, but here they are. They both walk past me to the balcony and I watch her through the glass door pulling that half-joint from under the ‘mat. They both laugh as the guy makes himself comfortable 59Mess the balcony floor. There are four chairs an on the balcony Atahy, : F sont oor and pl snes phigh , sits . “Laks, come join us” Marieke shouts from side I pretend I don't hear her and go Jock Myselp bedroom. | cant afford to do what she does becgy SCT ye do this and get out of here in record time, With a do thisa tir, | clearly states I can function properly at work, . See, I work with clients who T need to be Strong i j with, and my boss wort allow me to deal vith they sheb sure that im not emotionally vulnerable "| I remember Sandile was one of those. 1 say on his face when Iwas introduced a8 part of the would be working on hiscase. He looked at my bos looked at me and said, “This should be easy.” His vas fllowed by a smile, the og aM thy Ss then State ‘We knew what he meant. Weil had a lot of those belay, nen thinking our jb s easy because we can always just fa cur boobs or open our legs to get information, gave my boss a look and she knew I there. But that wasnt real Sandilein the ey inthe eye too, wanted to get oute ly an option, now, was it? I looked 8 introduced myself, and he looked me and shook my hand. He sid there was wom, “taton. asked him what he needed from us, and he sid just names and places. sate him why he wanted to Bet the woman out of the the nate Wy he as willing to pay money for it, He said seg tltb carrying his ch . Tasked | him who, the we ‘man was. He told meand I gasped an, and he needed to get her out! 60 aE 3DUDU BUSAN. DURE Later [told my boss | couldn't do it, that there Were people jp Sout Africa that you just didnt mess with, Hut my boss i ys ahead, in everything, She said, “We; * te looking into the Wolmarans heist that was never solved J knew about the heist. Now and again it Popped up in the news, and | found it fascinating that it had been years since it had happened and yet nobody had a clue whoil one it mean, how do people steal R93 million, kill someone while att, and get away with it? Just like that? | told my boss that it could be dangerous to even, pursue that thing, but she’s always been that type, the daring type. ‘That's why she owns a private-investigator firm, | was just an administrator then, filing data, printing documents and taking minutes in debriefing meetings, Id been filing data our foot-soldiers kept collecting on the case vihen Sandile called to say he didsit need our services any more. He was sure it wasn't his child, he said in the email, But we were close, very close, to cracking a case that the police had failed dismally to solve, Td read every document that landed on my desk and I knew that it was all beyond coincidence. There was no way. But another case landed on my desk soon after that, and I had no choice but to shed my obsession with the Zulu family, ‘When I met Sandile in Swaziland a year had passed and he never even mentioned it. Now here J am, with one of the people I spent months trying to bring down sitting on the floor of my balcony, smoking weed. If Sandile were here and I told him this, maybe hed go 61Mrss hack there. He hated those people. [hear a knock and [ immediate}, ASSUMme ith her escapades and wants to throw her F ‘ Sel now. | drag myself to the door, knowing fee mn, now. | drag Jong night of her talking about Jaco, But it isnt ly top weed guy a “Eyi uyasinda lomlungu wakho} he Says, What does he mean she’s heavy? That Birl ig as spaghetti! Even her hair is thin! tl He’ carried her halfway into the room, and ify, here, Id leave her sleeping on the floor because, = haven't had a peaceful night in five days. But 1 don't a hy 5 be that person so hold her arms while he hold hey ia t we carry her to her bed, ang T expect him to leave immediately but he doesn’ he sits at the edge of Marieke’ bed and looks actos, “You brought your own linen?” he asks, ‘This is rather invasive but, yes, I brought my own linen, <4 have this thing about—” “You have this thing about not wanting to use thi © Inste S at me, NS that other people have used? A bit snobbish, don't You think?” he says, Why ishe cutting me off? Also, I have never been accused of being a snob. I came from the wrecks and he doesn't know. anything about me. “The white gid just wants a hug from her daddy, but you ~ why are you here?” he asks. Again, invasive, “My husband died and I'm not coping,” I say before I can 62DUDU BUSANI-Dune top mysell eso? People die, Did you think he was going to live fore’ “No, but [ thought he was going to live long enough” He looks straight at me and rubs his hands together Nobody lives long enough. Thereid be no space to stand on the ground ifanybody lived long enough," he says, | guess it’s true what they say about ganja-heads: they become deep when they are high, “Lhave a 5-year-old daughter and I would have loved for her to have her father all her life” I'm being honest. I'm not sure if I would have stayed married to Sandile all my life but he would have been Zothile’ father all her life, “So why are you here?” Didn't | just tell him why? “You look like you're coping very wel tome” he says, Condescending, isnt he? Okay, that’ it! “Losinga husband isn't as hectic as almost killing your own brother, 0, yes, 'm_ more relaxed because my conscience is clear” He does that thing of pulling the two ropes of his hoodie together. His forehead wrinkles but his eyes remain as big as they were. Maybe I shouldn't have said anything about his brother. We're not supposed to use the stuff said in the Aura Room against each other. Senzi would be furious if she found out. “My brother has always had my back” he says. “And yet you almost killed him?” Why am I continuing with this? And why have I not told 63Mess this guy to lea yes, I did” F Tmglad because ‘te regret it?” “and you don’ tie nods and lies back, resting his head on Marieke, vw. “Dorit get me wrong: I love my ba bun ee 1 of you for him because that’ hoy and to act when I have to” he d what that means, but T cant he hasn't taken his eyes fe e's stopped that thing with his hoo, jt was damn irritating, ‘die ang like it’s a pillo kill for him. Ya kill all raised me: to be loyal 1 dont understan explain that to im because since he said those words. Never in the five days 1 for Marieke to be wide awake z been here have I wishes do now. She brought this guy here irritating me more than T she must make him leave. “see this?” he says, pulling his hoodie down and pointin, ata scar on his shoulder. ; {nod because I'm stupid, and instead of running oat o this room screaming, “'m letting a man I know isnt realy harmless show me his scars!” i 4] got this scar from a broken window. I was 11. My brothers left us, me and my two younger brothers, ‘wih a woman called MaZulu. She was supposed to be fa ea shared a surname with her. They paid her to tre ones her shack because we were too young to livea the d ieee but you know what she did?” ae ake my head, because really, how the hell cull! “She rented ws is out to fat » Huh? men?DUDU BUSANI-Dune Yes, fat men. They were fat because they couldn't enter ichpeoples houses through windows, They needed two thin young enter fi deactivate the alarm. To this day I stil dont know how hoys to do that for them, Tl break the window and rst, and my younger brother would come in after me ne dd it He was 8 years old. Once inside, weld unlock al joors so the fat men could come in and steal whatever they doors wanted” Td squirm if 1 wasn't me, but rich people weren't exactly any favourite people when Iwas growing up, so 'm far fom the point where I find something wrong with what the fat men did. syiy brother the one [almost killed. Do you know what he did when he found out?” I shake my head, because again, how could I possibly know? “they found the fat men. I was 14 then, All four of my alder brothers, they found the fat men and they made them siton chairs, together with MaZulu, Nkosana has this thing of siting throats, him and Qhawe, they like doing that. Mqhele isa different story altogether; he doesn’t have a specific thing put when he has decided you are gone, you are gone” 1 know all these names - they came up in the Wolmaransstad investigation documents. But there were other names too. I couldn't link the Zulu brothers to the heist but something told me they were there too. “The fat men were easy, but MaZulu ...” he says. “MaZulu cried like our mother cried when they were burning her alive. I can still hear her. To this day, I can still hear her” 65Me p's talking about, 1, at OW hers made on that nigh, nothing Pg decision” ig, should be left alon, thats what they Me, sxe, 10 mE er thal sin ot da a“ Bm 10 sp tag, ots Dut about their crimes, not 4,18 tin Tost 90° is oper ley abody is rece aout to di Tran away, disapp, they a" vy afer that. TT Peared 1 couldat $F Togt I never thought Id come bach robe hone rt rbbing his hands together. + want his weed-head here eal y Thave ever heard and Deli, stand is why hes ling ittome te ade uit and Feat bave that. "SO where dy, Hes gone a ask. be “to the world” he says and sighs. sec abeys tied fo stay away from men like him, ll yy what their presence does to my clita life, ieee Tknow but this one’ force is strong. “they found me. Can you believe they looked for ne unt they found me?” Hes left Marieke’s bum alone and he’ sitting up straig now looking at me lke I should be surprised that his bothes looked for him the whole time, “I came back because, Las” “Please dont call me that. My name is Lale” “Okay. came back to find my younger brother a difere Person, Some woman with big breasts and hips had dere 66DuDU BUSANL-Dupp sport hin, change him and made him mad ike me “You aren't mad” «you don't know me” he says, Hes right, I don't “yf 1 had been there, that woman would not have touched him L wait t telling me, rol and I never met her” well ... +] failed at this loyalty thing. I always have failed at it” .o hear what was done to the brother, but instead of he rubs his hands together again. “Her name was He goes back to where he was, hishead on Marieke’ bum, and he doesat look like he’s going to tell me more about col: But bigget thing has been worrying me, “So why did you want to kill your brother?” He looks at me longer that Tm comfortable with, and everything I learned on my job and in school of life escapes rmeand Ilook away from him. Because I can't be loyal, that’s why.” he says. ‘This man is the complex type. I've already figured that out. He looks at his watch and stands up. Idon't want him to leave, I want him to tell me everything. “This white girl is messed up” he says, looking down at Marieke snoring on the bed. And then he leaves. ‘What the hell just happened here? 67i | +L ALS, WHY ARE you 32 and have only one child?» Lord! “Why are Fae 25, a junkie and in g meni institution, Marieke? She looks at me. “It’s not a mental institution, its aheatin centce, There’ a difference, Lals” she snaps, Yererr This isthe frst time I've thrown her rocks bu at her since she walked in here with those bell-bottom pan, Honestly, I've been patient with her this whole time becaug I thought twenty-one days was a short time, but now, judging by everything that has happened in just six days, if I dont start acting crazy, I'l drown in this shit. “Twas just asking, dear, My mom already had four kidsby the time she was 25,” she says. Well, 'm not her mom, At25 I wasn't looking away asthe man I was sleeping with beat my children black and blue 4 251 was doing whatever I wanted to do. [had a great joban! was good at it. I had no plans of settling down with amt who would die and leave me not knowing what to do vib 68Dubu BUSANL Dune myself . «are you okay?” she asks Yes, im okay. I've been okay all my life, L was okay when ny supper was just one slice of bread and tea with no milk, { was still okay later in life when I threw food away because there wasnt enough space for it in my fridge. “You know Aura Room is early today, right? You can talk about it there, vent out to strangers and all that. It will make you feel better Lals.” I'm not really sure why I'm in such a bad mood. Yes, it took me a while to fall asleep last night because all the things the weed guy said had triggered me. I kept thinking about all the times my grandmother turned me into an unpaid nanny and how my mother’s siblings didn't think I deserved even a pai of school shoes forall the trouble. They had babies, dumped them at my grandmother's house, and went back to make more. My grandmother was a cold woman. I dor't think she was born that way. Maybe it was life and her own experiences that made her that way. Shed carry nobody’s child on her back, not even the ones who came out of her own daughters’ wombs. The ones who came from her son’s testicles were even worse off: she wouldn't even look at them. Iwas the eldest grandchild. My mother had me when she was 17, and I tell you now that she didn't care about the shame she brought on the family. She left me with her mother and went on to be even more shameless in pursuing her dreams of becoming a TV star. Grandmother retaliated by detaching herself from every 69Mess ced. “Lahliyom hildeen reproduced. "Labiyay offspring her Shea e if they Were « hy » of them cried or " Y Were fi lg every time ” feed and bathe them in the Mornin, ey tole . i i hungry, I had to school Id be shit tireg and fy e | got (0 S by the tim : fi Mh dared try me, Td beat them like I wou lay and if anyone i and her sisters and my yyy Ml beaten my mot le ay t, fd had the power ver if 1d ha grandmoth hol wee scared of me. They logkeg : Kids at “ ross me in the corridors because Someyp, if they came acr simple as eye contact could push me to aski ing ish me to asl : le as eye contact could pt y 7 for an school fight. Ik Thad friends, three of them, who followed me oun ne that they hada choice they would not be friend With They were the first to call me Lale; I made them cal] me ee twas a name I gave myself, some kind of. a shortenin, Lablive,a name my ‘grandmother ‘gave me because MY Fath, denied me, It simply means “reject”: an unwanted thin, all day but I always knew they were walking o, a ‘mistake, and that mist take was me. Told SanditeDUDU BUSANL-Dupgp en my grandmother and 1 had ne giv t enough bitte Pople in my adull life for me to believe my life wer as csi thought it was. And now here fam, calm and tolerant of : itl who knows nothing about how far I have come to end Sina ment insitation For someting a imple as my dyingon me ‘The Aura Room is full today. Senzi is already here and she Jooks more alive than she did yesterday. «you don't look too good today,” she says to me, What is she doing? She never looks at me first. She always Jooks at the more troubled ones and asks them to speak first. “That frown on your face says you have something bothering you” she says. 1 didn't even realise I was frowning. I look around the room for the weed guy but he isn't here. Great. He triggered me with his stories last night and decided not to show up today. “{ think I pissed her off,” Marieke says, know that if she could, Senzi would roll her eyes. “'m serious. I asked her why she had only one child and she snapped at me” 1 give her a look, but ghel probably doesn't even understand the look, so I tell the whole room that today is my daughter's preschool graduation, and I'm going to miss it because I'm here. I'm lying. She’ only 5. “Remember, you are doing this for her. A happy mother is agreat mother. And happiness cannot happen unless you are mentally and spiritually healthy,’ Senzi says. I'm tired of hearing this buddhist bullshit, I really am. 71Mess There is also aman who sayy a just as she was about to drive acres : toby him up at the gym. Their two kidg sent iMterseeua Mle, they all died. The whole thing happened e © cag he talks about it like it’ happening now "®t year, ay Ihe door opens and Marieke barges in 2 hy to the balcony. What's she S0 anxious about ie es ray, “Did he come here?’ ime? I shrug because I don't know who she’s t.1,. “The wy Lals. Did he come hPL aI § hoy “No, nobody came here” “His door is locked. Do you think he leftz” Honestly, I wouldn't know. We aren't allowed te premises: it would be considered escaping. It must be that she wants weed from the BUY; because tye only time I've seen her this desperate was on the day she arrived, when she wouldn't sit down, and she tossed and ‘urned all night. She was up and about by Sam, singing in th, kitchen and irritating me with the sound of a boiling kettle Sheil already told me she was a recovering drug addict, so T expected strange behaviour from her, and I wasn't going ‘0 wake up that early to reprimand her because, really, my English data depletes at 6pm and reloads again at 8am. T knew living with her was going to be a problem so ‘oon as the frst session for the day was done, I went t© the admissions officer and asked to be put in a different 100” “May I ask why?” she said, al The answer to that didn’t come to me immediately § st frowned and scratched my arm, © leave th, 74Dubu BUsANI-DuBE. with all due respect, Mrs Mkhize, we don't take kindly to racism in this institution. We pair residents according to yhat we think they can do for each other” J doubted there was anything Marieke could do for me but I was stuck on the fact that she was accusing me of being racist. “1 can read your face. [ know what you are thinking,” she said | left that office having achieved nothing except the dreadful knowledge that I was stuck with a young girl who hose Hillbrow over the privilege she was born with because she thought life would hug her there. “He promised to give me a bottle of vodka yesterday, and now he’s disappeared on me,” she says lke I should also be Abbergasted by a stranger's empty promises. “pid you ever try to get Thembi back?” I ask. This has been bothering me all day. “No, He sold her to the Chinese people in Bruma. I knew Td never get her back after that” Huh? “Chinese people eat dogs, Lals, don't you know that?” ‘Wow! I could freak out and slap her for this but I have bigger plans. I know exactly where I want to take this conversation, “Don't you miss her? I mean, your uncle gave her to you for your birthday, he must have loved you very much.” She holds her coffee cup close to her mouth and blows air into it. She never drinks it with milk, and every time she finishes a cup she starts that leg-shaking thing. 75Muss > | “flow did your husband die, Lal cai » Lalse” How did Sandile die? He chose death eath wl het he fought harder, that’s what he did! “¢ “Cancer. It does lh Desrit re with how I feel but it’s the simplest an, st answe “was he old?” wer, ~ “No, he was stil fairly young” J dont like talking about my husband’ last ¢, ays and a decisions. vomn Willem is stil alive. His pens has i thats unfair” dhin ay Junderstand. u when it started?” 1d puts her coffee cup down on t, M the jthink Oh, I see. Now “fow old were yo she rolls her eyes 4” “No, silly, it ‘wasnt me. or him, once, but you do?” Jost my mind. “Nothing” ce table. It was my elder brother. Ialk; inon them, hey didn't see me” * yoh! ‘And what did she looks at me like I've sys What? “yes, Lals. Nothing. What was I supposed to do? Go to take it to the newspapers?” the police so they would srious? “Tell your parents, at least?” he coffee mug in the in lem with you peopl Sr are always it 1d thinks)" Isthis girl se She stands up and goes t0 put dl “Why would I do that? ‘That's the pro! your shit because YO the whole world knows le worl newspapers and stuf. Thats why the whol are savages.” You people? Oh, fuck, no! ‘There's eres a knock, and she rushes to the door Great. 76 alDupu Busant-Dupe jemon sbacksand he has two bottles of vodka hidden under hisjacket. If security here paid any attention at all they would have been suspicious seeing someone wearing a jacket in Upington, but I guess .. ‘«\here were you?” Marieke, «ye known you for two days and now you're behaving like I'm married to you?” Okay, that’s harsh! “No, tm married to the vodka,” she says and snatches one pottle from his hand. Tough gil, but I stil need to check her about that “you people” thing because when 1 leave this place I want to go home, not to jail. she’s pouring the vodka into a glass and I'm just standing there. So is the guy, and it is strange that he’s looking at me like we've just met. “Dont look at her like that. Her husband is dead and she’s angry at him, and the whole world. She has this bitterness thing about her, and unresolved anger issues, from her childhood, I think. Or is it men?” Marieke says and hands the guy glass half fll of vodka, mixed with nothing. Wow. I'm not bitter or angry. Why would I be? I've survived the worst in life, I'm still here, still standing, and everyone [ have ever had to survive is either dead or out of my life. ‘The guy looks at me and smiles. What is he smiling about? He doesn't follow Marieke out to the balcony and she doesnit seem to care. She has her vodka and she’s happy. He pulls out a chair and sits down, his glass of vodka on 7