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STRESS MANAGEMENT DEVELOPING RESILIENCE TO
PT STRESS

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RAJLAKSHMI GUHA
IIT KHARAGPUR

OUTLINE
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• UNDERSTANDING YOUR STRESS LEVEL
MODULE 1
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 EARLY EXPERIENCE AND ITS ROLE IN STRESS

There is an old joke about a man who went to a A - loves playing the guitar – has a ear for music, picks up any
tune he hears, met a music teacher, looks forward to the classes,

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psychiatrist because of a problem with thumb- enjoys playing with people, participates in competitions. For A
sucking. After several months of therapy, the playing the guitar is relaxing and fun
patient was delighted with the results and was B – born in a musical family, had a tune for music, could play
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several instruments, loved playing the guitar, father and brothers
describing them to a friend. "So," the friend would play well too, drilled for learning lessons well, criticized if
said, "you don't suck your thumb any more?" wrong, worked hard to do well, improved, won accolades in
"Oh, no," replied the patient, "I still suck it as competitions, joined college. Played in the college music group –
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others not as serious or efficient, but he would give his best.
much as ever. But now I know why!" Anxious before every performance – vomiting / becoming ill
after the performance

SAME SITUATION – DIFFERENT RESPONSE

Same situation can be stressful for one – harmless / self- Like A, each of us experiences uniquely stressful situations-
enhancing, for another
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• events in our lives that we customarily react to with alarm,
Difference – in perception and interpretation resistance, and-if the reaction continues long enough
exhaustion
A – pleasant experience – positive memories, self appreciation
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B – every performance is a test of personal worth Since these stress-inducing situations are personally
determined, however, the only way to detect them-and
It might be argued that the stress drives B to excellent levels of thereby begin to gain some sense of control over them-is by
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performance, but it is far more certain that the repeated stress

will take its toll on B both physically and mentally
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mapping out the role they play in our lives
 STRESS MAPPING… EXTERNAL AND INTERNAL DIMENSIONS OF STRESS
• sensitize yourself to potential stressors in the environment
(B might ask himself, for instance, when it is that he feels stressed and
discover that it is usually before a guitar performance)

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• keep a stress journal or notebook, a day-by- day account of when and where the
signs of stress appear
Helps in developing self control as it reveals the patterns of stress, those
unique configurations of stressor and response that operate in your life
Stimulus  cognitive processing  stressor 
Personal stress analysis - a method by which you systematically evaluate and
PT General Adaptation Syndrome springs into

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•
interpret the information in the journal
This analysis, when well grounded in your examination of potential stressors
and in your careful observation of your own behavior, can then serve as the
operation
basis for the subsequent development of a comprehensive program of stress
management
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Knowing your personal stressors and how you react to them provides a
tremendous opportunity for you to alter your behavior, coping more
efficiently or perhaps avoiding stressful situations altogether

Shaffer, 1982

EXTERNAL DIMENSIONS OF STRESS INTERNAL DIMENSIONS OF STRESS

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 BEGINNING YOUR STRESS SELF-ANALYSIS
BODILY SYMPTOMS
 to discover patterns of stress operating in your life
Flushing Constipation
 Awareness of these signs of physical and mental •
• Sweating
•
• Fatigue
response to stress

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• Dry mouth • Loss of appetite
Shallow breathing Nervous chill
 Identifying the triggers •
• Chest oppression and pain
•
• Insomnia
 analyzing the relationship between the stress • Heart palpitation • restlessness

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• Pounding pulse • Flatus (passing gas)
reaction and the stressful situation that evoked it • lncreased blood pressure • Belching
 to set realistic and effective stress control goals • Headache • Abdominal cramping
• -Backache • "Irritable colon"
• Feeling of weakness • Dizziness or faintness
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• Intestinal distress • Paresthesias (illusory prickly skin
• Vomiting • sensations)
• Diarrhea

Shaffer, 1982
Shaffer, 1982

FEELING STATES COGNITIVE STATES

• Agitation • Dread
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• Shakiness • Inattention
• Easy tiring • Distractibility
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• Worry • Forgetfulness
• Panicky feeling • Nightmares
• Depression (feeling blue) • Fear of death
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• Irritability
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Shaffer, 1982 Shaffer, 1982
 MOTOR SYMPTOMS (MUSCLES INVOLVED) FORMATS FOR STRESS JOURNAL
• Muscular tightness

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• Tremors
• Tics (spasms)
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• Increased startle reaction
• Incoordination
• Sighing
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• Freezing, feeling immobilized
Shaffer, M, 1982

Shaffer, 1982

INTERPRETING THE STRESS REACTION

Stress journal effective if maintained for a longer period of time Self discovery – using free association
(weeks)
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Eg: associate the body parts and sensations
- Observations and insights may be immediate, may be related to your stress pattern
prolonged
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STRESS MANAGEMENT
Thank you
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RAJLAKSHMI GUHA
IIT KHARAGPUR
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MODULE 2
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DEVELOPING RESILIENCE TO STRESS
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OUTLINE STRESSOR SCALES
UNDERSTANDING THE - • SOCIAL READJUSTMENT RATING SCALE – Holmes and Rahe (1967) based

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• PERSONALITY PATTERNS upon the theory that “life change” is causally associated with
• LOCUS OF CONTROL subsequent illness
• SELF ESTEEM • The SRRS contains 43 items consisting of commonly experienced “life

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- OF STRESSED INDIVIDUALS events.” Each life event is weighted with a life change unit score
(LCU). Respondents are simply asked to check each of the items they
have experienced within the last 12 months
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STRESSOR SCALES
• LIFE EXPERIENCES SURVEY (LES) – Sarason et al (1978)- lists a series of life • MILLON’S BEHAVIOR HEALTH INVENTORY - Millon, Green, & Meagher, (1982)
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events and also inquires into the desirability of each of the events The MBHI is a 150-item self-report inventory that has been normed on
medical patients. “Its intent is to aid in the psychological understanding of
these patients and facilitate the steps required to formulate a
• THE HASSLES SCALE – (Kanner et al, 1981)– investigated the daily hassles
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comprehensive treatment plan”
versus major life events issue as it pertains to the prediction of
subsequent illness. It lists a series of minor daily hassles, that is,
sources of frustration that commonly recur to many individuals. It has
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117 items
 STRESS SCALES TO MEASURE PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECT OF STRESS
MCMI-II SCALES:
RESPONSE
PERSONALITY SCALES • Schizoid • Anxiety

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• Avoidant • Somatoform
• MMPI – 10 basic clinical scales - sample a wide range of maladjusted
personality traits (a personality trait is a rather chronic and consistent • Antisocial • Hypomania
pattern of thinking and behavior) – disadvantage – over 560 items • Narcissism • Dysthymia
• Passive–aggressive • Alcohol abuse

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• Compulsive • Drug abuse
• 16PF – 187 items - assesses a wide range of personality traits. It measures • Dependent • Psychotic thinking
16 “functionally independent and psychologically meaningful dimensions
isolated and replicated in more than 30 years of factor-analytic research on • Histrionic • Psychotic depression
normal and clinical groups” • Schizotypal • Psychotic delusions
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• Borderline • Self-defeating
• MCMI III – (Millon, 1997) 175-item self-report, true–false questionnaire
• Sadistic
• Paranoid
Additional content was added to include child abuse, anorexia and bulimia in MCMI III

MEASURE PSYCHOLOGICAL EFFECT OF STRESS RESPONSE

• STANFORD ACUTE STRESS REACTION QUESTIONNAIRE (SASRQ) - The SASRQ • STATE–TRAIT ANXIETY INVENTORY (STAI)- The STAI (Spielberger, Gorsuch,
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• (Cardena & Spiegel, 1993; Shalev, Peri, Canetti, & Schreiber, 1996) & Luchene, 1970)
• 30 self-report items that assess acute stress disorder. The scale takes • The first 20 items measure state anxiety (a psychological state is an
5–10 minutes to complete and appears to be useful in predicting acute, usually situationally dependent condition of psychological
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PTSD functioning).
• The second 20 items measure trait anxiety. This is the same basic
phenomenon as that measured by the TAS
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• The STAI can be administered in full form (40 items) or be used to
measure only state or trait anxiety
PERSONALITY AS A FACTOR FOR INDUCING STRESS Locus of control
TYPE A PERSONALITY – Jenkins Activity Survey • Theory

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• Online version for college students - • Rotter’s Locus of control scale
www.psych.uncc.edu/pagoolka/TypeA-B-intro.html • Why is it important?

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Locus of Control (Julian B Rotter,1954)

• The degree to which people believe that they have control over the • Individuals with a strong internal locus of control believe events in
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outcome of events in their lives, as opposed to external forces beyond their life derive primarily from their own actions
their control
• People's "loci", plural of "locus", (Latin - location) – either internal, Ex:
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those people who believe they can control their life, or external,
meaning they believe their decisions and life are controlled by • Internal locus of control - results seen as personal achievement or
environmental factors which they cannot influence, or that chance or personal failure
fate controls their lives • external locus of control – External factors like good teacher easy
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exam or bad teaching, other external problems cause of result
 SELF ESTEEM
• FORCED CHOICE SCALE (ROTTER, 1966) - measure locus of control is the 23-item (plus six filler

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items)
• what self-esteem is?
• Online: http://www.psych.uncc.edu/pagoolka/LC.html
• Do you think your self-esteem is low? Do you know how to tell? Do you know
what to do about it?

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• findings suggest that higher levels of external locus of control combined with lower levels
self-efficacy are related to higher illness-related psychological distress
• Self-esteem answers the question, “How do I feel about who I am?” We learn
self-esteem in our family of origin; we do not inherit it
• Roddenberry et al, (2010) - individuals who have a high external locus of control tend to
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have higher levels of psychological and physical problems
• These people are also more vulnerable to external influences and as a result they
become more responsive to stress

Self esteem..
• Global self-esteem - “who we are” generally constant
• Situational self-esteem - “what we do” - fluctuates
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• Low self-esteem is a negative evaluation of oneself
• Personalizing the incident - experiencing physical, emotional, and cognitive
arousal
The vicious cycle of self esteem
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• responding by acting in a self-defeating or self-destructive manner
• actions become automatic and impulse-driven
• feel upset or emotionally blocked
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• Narrowed thinking
• losing sense of self
• become self-absorbed
ROLE OF SELF ESTEEM IN INDUCING STRESS HOW TO RAISE YOUR SELF ESTEEM
• Practice self-care

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• Identify triggers to low self-esteem.
• How low Self Esteem can cause stress?
• Reduce personalizing
Ex: individual suffering from social phobia
• Stop and take notice

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• Acknowledge your responses
• Choose response
• Accept your responses
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HOW TO RAISE YOUR SELF ESTEEM Summary
• Develop skills. We can provide for our own safety, engender hope, tolerate • Stress scales
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confusion, and raise self-esteem by learning and using these essential life
skills: • Personality scales
• Locus of control
• Experience and observe your feelings
• Self esteem
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• Optional thinking – black or white thinking

• Stop comparing yourself with others

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• Assertion – expressing thoughts feelings and wishes

• Receptivity – listening to others, learning to empathize

 EL

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STRESS MANAGEMENT DEVELOPING RESILIENCE TO
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RAJLAKSHMI GUHA
IIT KHARAGPUR

OUTLINE
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ROLE OF THOUGHTS BELIEFS AND EMOTIONS IN STRESS – I
MODULE 3 • RELATIONSHIP BETWEEN THOUGHT MOOD AND
BEHAVIOUR
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• HOW ARE THOUGHTS WORK IN ANXIETY
• HOW BEHAVIOURS ARE RELATED TO THESE ANXIOUS
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THOUGHTS
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“Men are disturbed not by things, but ROLE OF THOUGHTS BELIEFS AND
by the views which they take of
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them”
(Epictetus)
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STRESS AND ANXIETY Generic Model: (Padesky , 1990)
• Stress is a natural response to a nerve-racking situation. Often Biology
it is a feeling of anger, frustration or distress. It is a normal part
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of life and, in small amounts, can motivate you to be more
productive. Frequent stress, however, can have negative
effects on physical and psychological health
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• Anxiety disorders involve chronic, debilitating and seemingly Thoughts Mood
unprompted feelings of apprehension, nervousness or fear

Behavior
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Both stress and anxiety disorders have many symptoms in

common but stress tends to be managed through lifestyle
changes, whereas anxiety disorders require both lifestyle changes
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and medical therapies
MODEL OF ANXIETY
Anxiety

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Biology
Sympathetic activation – increased heart rate, sweating, tremors

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Behavior Mood
Over cautious Anxious, panic
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Thoughts
I’ll make a fool of myself
Padesky, 1995
Padesky, 1995

WHAT HAPPENS IN ANXIETY COGNITIVE MODEL OF ANXIETY

• Perception of danger and threat

• Underestimation of personal ability to cope

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• Development of Negative Automatic Thoughts
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• Triggering a belief system that there is danger / threat in the
environment - “I am vulnerable to the threat”
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• Triggering more anxiety responses  that are misinterpreted

 increasing anxiety
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Ex: anxiety may be interpreted as a sign of serious physical or
mental disorder (Heart Attack) Wells, 1997
 SCHEMAS AND ASSUMPTIONS
NEGATIVE AUTOMATIC THOUGHTS, WORRIES
Schema: key elements of our frame of reference
- a set of rules determining

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• Negative automatic thoughts (NATs) are appraisals or
how we judge ourselves, situations, others interpretations of events, and can be tied to particular
how we interact with other people behavioural and affective responses. Immediate thoughts

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Ex: walking down the road, smile at a friend, he looks
• Assumptions (if / then statements) - Rules formed by away - what would be the immediate thought that would
experience, revised by newer experiences – becoming silent
come to your mind?
assumptions
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– link events and self-appraisals (e.g. 'if I show signs of anxiety then
people will think I'm inferior; if I have bad thoughts means I am a bad
person; unexplained physical symptoms are usually a sign of serious
illness; if I can't control anxiety I am a complete failure')

Conceptualizing Assumptions and

NATS AND WORRY
Schemas
Level of Thoughts and Beliefs • Worry is a chain of negatively affect laden
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thoughts aimed at problem solving (Borkovec
Automatic thoughts et al. 1983)
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Underlying assumptions • Worry is a verbally based thought process
while negative automatic thoughts can occur
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Schemas
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in a verbal and an imaginal form
 THE ROLE OF BEHAVIOUR BEHAVIOUR INCREASING ANXIETY

• When a threat is perceived - the cognitive system facilitates Ex: A social phobic is fearful of babbling and talking
caution by eliciting a series of self-doubts, negative incoherently in a social situation may focus more

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evaluations, and negative predictions attention on the self and monitor his/her spoken
• The somatic manifestation range of feelings such as words closely
unsteadiness, faintness, and weakness In addition to this cognitive self- monitoring strategy
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• Beck et al. (1985) assume that this is part of a primal survival there may be attempts to pronounce words in a clear and
mechanism that exists to terminate risk-taking behaviour and controlled way, and rehearse mentally the material to be
orient behaviour towards self-protection spoken before speaking in order to check that it sounds
acceptable
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• In social performance situations these responses can increase
the danger - i.e. they interfere with social performance
Safety behaviours (Salkovskis, 1991) play a significant role in
the maintenance of anxiety

Formulation for safety behaviors

SAFETY BEHAVIOURS Trigger
(giving a presentation)
• Controlling one's breathing may lead to hyperventilation
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• Controlling certain thoughts may contribute to paradoxical Thoughts
effects of increased preoccupation with thoughts (I’ll make a fool of myself)
• Perception that - non-occurrence of feared outcomes
resultant of safety behaviour rather than correctly attributed Feeling
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to the fact that catastrophe will not occur (Anxious)
• Particular safety behaviours, such as increased vigilance for Behavior Behavior
threat, reassurance seeking, etc., enhance exposure to (Focus on internal mechanisms (trying hard to relax)
Scans self for signs of nervousness)
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danger-related information that strengthens negative beliefs N

Consequence: Thoughts
noticing signs of nervousness I must get a hold
or I’ll make a fool of myself
 COGNITIVE BIASES
Cognitive distortions (biases)……….
• Once danger schema is activated  biases the information
processing

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• These biases are distortions that affect interpretations of • Catastrophizing • Personalization
events in a way that is consistent with the content of • Mind reading • Arbitrary Inference
dysfunctional schemas
• Over generalization • Maximization -
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Biases in processing include: • Selective abstraction Minimization
– selective attention for threat-related material,
– interpretation of events
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– Beck and associates, and Burns (1989) labeled interpretive
biases as 'thinking errors' or 'cognitive distortions‘

EXAMPLE OF DISTORTIONS… COGNITIVE MODEL OF ANXIETY

A socially phobic person involved in a conversation with a work
colleague…The colleague suddenly cuts short the conversation and leaves the
situation
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Interpretation:
'I must be so boring' / 'he thinks I'm an idiot, he doesn't like me‘ (arbitrary inference'
and 'mind reading)
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In the next encounter: the social phobic is pre-occupied with negative thoughts about
'appearing boring and idiotic'
 he/she selectively attends to his/her own anxious performance- selective
attention
 fails to notice positive signals from the work colleague - minimisation
 or discounts these as evidence that he is 'just trying to be nice‘ - minimisation
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biases of attention and inference serve to maintain belief in negative appraisals, as

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negative information is abstracted, and positive information is not processed, or is
discounted
Wells, 1997
 TO SUMMARIZE…

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• The inter-relationship between thought mood
and behaviour Thank you
• How an anxious thought is created and
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nurtured in our brain
• Safety Behaviours - How the behaviours are
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related to these anxious thoughts
• Biases, Schema, NATs and cognitive distortions
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STRESS MANAGEMENT DEVELOPING RESILIENCE TO
STRESS
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RAJLAKSHMI GUHA
IIT KHARAGPUR
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 OUTLINE

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ROLE OF THOUGHTS BELIEFS AND EMOTIONS IN STRESS - II
MODULE 3 • HOW TO MANAGE ANXIOUS THOUGHTS
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Generic Model: (Padesky , 1990) Understanding & Managing
Anxiety Stress
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Biology
Sympathetic activation – increased heart rate, sweating, tremors
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Recognise and admit that you are
Behavior Mood feeling stressed
Over cautious Anxious, panic
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Thoughts
I’ll make a fool of myself
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2 approaches for coping.... Self control

Constructive self-talk

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Cognitive Restructuring
Self control
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Relaxation and Breathing exercises
(Problem Solving, assertiveness,
conflict resolution, Physical Exercise
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time management)
Healthy Life style

Constructive Self-Talk Cognitive Restructuring

A–B–C–D-E
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A – An active situation / experience
Identify negative self-talk
– unable to do a task on time
Write it down
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B – beliefs relating to the situation
Develop alternative positive self-talk statements – I’m GFN
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C – behavioural, emotional, physiological
changes
– sad, stressed
 A – B – C – D - E POSITIVE CYCLE
Positive

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belief
D – identifying irrational beliefs
– I’ll have to take care of using my time Awareness of
positive Positive
properly instead of I’m GFN
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behaviours attitude

Positive
E – trying out newly learnt coping expectations
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strategies

2 approaches for coping.... Problem Solving

Acknowledge and clarify the problem
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Analyse the problem + identify needs of
those affected
Self control Situational control
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(Problem Solving,
assertiveness,
Brainstorm for all possible solutions
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conflict resolution,
time management)
N Evaluate each option
 Problem Solving Some tips....
 Take short breaks
 Set priorities

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 Talk about your stressors with someone and put
Select best option and implement plan it in perspective
 Participate socially
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 Develop interests and hobbies
Evaluate the outcome  Use humour to de-stress
 Develop realistic goals
 Anticipate stress
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 Stop keeping things for later
 Get help

To improve planning... An Appointment with Yourself

• Lists of tasks to be done posted on
refrigerator
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• Choosing one day for appointments and
errands
• Master list for home chores done weekly,
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monthly .....
• Identify individual strengths while
exploring resources
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• Ask partner for input

• Re-evaluate effectiveness
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 WHAT IS ASSERTIVENESS?

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ASSERTIVENESS Asking for what one wants or
Acting to get what one wants…
…in a way that respects
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Dr. Rajlakshmi Guha the rights and feelings
Consultant Psychologist of other people
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IIT Kharagpur

TEST YOUR ASSERTIVENESS

 Can you express negative feelings about other people

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and their behaviors without using abusive language?

Test your Assertiveness  Are you able to express and exercise your strengths?
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 Can you easily recognize and compliment other people’s
achievements?
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 TEST YOUR ASSERTIVENESS TEST YOUR ASSERTIVENESS
 Do you have the confidence to ask for what is
rightfully yours?

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 Do you feel comfortable accepting compliments?
 Can you accept criticism easily without being
 Are you able to stand up for your rights? defensive?
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 Can you comfortably start and carry on a
 Are you able to refuse unreasonable requests conversation with others?
from friends, family or co-workers?
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 Do you ask for assistance when you need it?

WHAT DOES IT MEAN TO BE BEHAVIOUR STYLE OF PASSIVE

NON ASSERTIVE? INDIVIDUALS
• Hoping to get what you want without actually
PASSIVE AGGRESSIVE having to say it
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• Giving in to the will of others
Individuals not Defend their own rights
committed to their own and work to achieve own • Leaving it to others to guess or letting them
rights goals decide for you
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• Taking no action to assert your own rights
More likely to allow Likely to disregard • Putting others first at your expense
others to infringe on rights of others
their rights • Giving in to what others want
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-than to STAND UP and

Blame others for
problems instead of
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• Remaining silent when something bothers you

SPEAK OUT offering solutions

BEHAVIOR STYLE OF PASSIVE BEHAVIOR STYLE OF AGGRESSIVE
INDIVIDUALS INDIVIDUALS
 Expressing your feelings, opinions, or desires in a way that
threatens or punishes the other person
 Acting submissive

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 Standing up for your own rights with no thought for the
other person
 Apologizing a lot
 Putting yourself first at the expense of others
E.g.: Talking quietly, Laughing Nervously, Sagging
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 Overpowering others
shoulders, Avoiding disagreement, Hiding face
 Reaching your own goals, but at the sake of others
with hands etc…
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 Dominating behaviors

E.g.: Shouting, Demanding, Not listening to others; Saying

others are wrong; Leaning forward; Looking down on
others; Wagging or pointing finger at others;
Threatening or Fighting

BEHAVIOR STYLE OF ASSERTIVE BEHAVIOR STYLE OF ASSERTIVE

INDIVIDUALS INDIVIDUALS
Telling someone exactly what you want in a way Staying balanced knowing what you want to say
that does not seem rude or threatening to them
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Watching out for terms that are used E.g. ‘I feel’ not
‘I think’
Standing up for your own rights without putting
down the rights of others Being specific. Using ‘I’ statements
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Respecting yourself as well as the other person Talking face-to-face with the person

No whining or sarcasm
Listening and talking
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Expressing positive and negative feelings

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Using body language that shows you are standing on
your ground, and

Staying centered
Being confident, but not pushy
 WHY PRACTICE ASSERTIVENESS?

• let others boss us around

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• react to the things that other people
expect of us
Why practice assertiveness?
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• Unable to express feelings, thoughts

• Not using ability to think ‘out of the box’

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• Become dependent on others for decision making

• Low on confidence

Practicing assertiveness
Assertive Listening
- To let the other know that you want to understand his or her
point of view
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- To understand accurately what another person is saying
- To let the other person know that he or she has been

How to practice understood

For Example:
Assertiveness
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I'd like to hear your views on...
Could you tell me about them?
Would you tell me more about how you see the situation?
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I think we are approaching this from two different
perspectives...
What does the situation look like from your perspective?
I 'd like to hear your thoughts on…
 BODY LANGUAGE AND
ASSERTIVENESS
• Asking for what you want (Clear and Direct)
• Maintaining direct eye contact

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• Avoiding Negative Phrasing
• Maintaining erect posture
• Dressing like you mean business
• Speaking clearly and audibly
• Eye contact is crucial
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 Not Whining!!!!
• Avoiding nervous body language-keep hands quiet
• Using facial expressions and gestures to add and relaxed
emphasis to words • Emphasizing on not what you say but how you say
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• Choosing words carefully, speak clearly, be concise

Assertive Communication can…

• Improve interpersonal relationships
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ASSERTIVE • Reduce conflicts/anxiety
COMMUNICATION • Enhance self esteem
• Retrain self respect
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• Minimize stress
• Treats others respectfully
....the key to Stress Management • Reduce feelings of
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helplessness/depression
• Gives a sense of control
 5- Steps to Assertive
Four styles of communication Postures
Communication
When approaching someone about behavior you’d like to
• PASSIVE – “I don’t count” see changed, stick to factual descriptions of what

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they’ve done that’s upset you, rather than labels or
judgments
• AGGRESSIVE - “I count, but you don’t
count” • Situation:
Your friend, who habitually arrives late for your plans,
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has shown up twenty minutes late for a lunch date
• PASSIVE-AGGRESSIVE – “I count. You
don’t count, but I’m not going to tell you • Inappropriate: "You’re so rude! You’re always late."
about it”
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• Assertive Communication: "We were supposed to meet
at 11:30, but now it’s 11:50."
• ASSERTIVE – “I count and you do too”

5- Steps to Assertive Communication 5- Steps to Assertive Communication

Use “I Messages”
The same should be done if describing the effects
of their behavior. Don’t exaggerate, label or Simply put, if you start a sentence off with “You”,
EL

EL
judge; just describe: it comes off as more of a judgment or attack, and
puts people on the defensive.
If you start with “I”, the focus is more on how you
Inappropriate: “Now lunch is ruined.” are feeling and how you are affected by their
PT

PT
behavior. Also, it shows more ownership of your
reactions, and less blame
Assertive Communication: “Now I have less time to
spend lunching because I still need to be back to ‘You Message’: “You need to stop that!”
work by 1pm.”
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‘I Message’: “I’d like it if you’d stop that”
 5- Steps to Assertive Communication 5- Steps to Assertive Communication

Here’s a great formula that puts it all together: A more advanced variation of this formula includes
the results of their behavior (again, put into

EL

EL
“When you [their behavior], I feel [your feelings].” factual terms), and looks like this:

When used with factual statements, rather than “When you [their behavior], then [results of their
PT

PT
judgments or labels, this formula provides a direct,
behavior], and I feel [how you feel].”
non-attacking, more responsible way of letting people
know how their behavior affects you
example:
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For example: “When you arrive late, I have to wait, and I
“When you yell, I feel attacked.” feel frustrated.”

to Summarize….
• Assertiveness
EL

• Assertive communication
PT
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