It’s Good to Be a Man

Group Discussion
Study Guide
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Contents

1 The War between Patriarchies . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 1

2 Masculinity Is Very Good . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 5
3 Sex Is Very Good . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 9
4 The War on Sex . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 11
5 Spiritual War & Spiritual Worship . . . . . . . . . . . . 13
6 Toxic Sexuality . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 15
7 The Church Effeminate . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 19
8 No Father, No Manhood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 23
9 No Gravitas, No Manhood . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 27
10 Gravitas through Duty . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 31
11 How to Bear the Weight . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 35
12 Manhood through Mission . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 39
13 The Necessity of Fraternity . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 43
14 The Excellence of Marriage . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 47
Afterword . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 51
Chapter 1: The War
Between Patriarchies

Summary:
Men were made to rule—it’s not a question of patri-
archy v. something else, it’s a question of good v.
evil patriarchy. Which men will rule? Wicked patri-
archs, Pharaohs and Absaloms, want to harness,
pacify, and destroy men. In response, the church’s
own patriarchs—Nehemiahs with swords to defend
and trowels to build—must rise up to shepherd our
generation of fatherless men. As the church goes,
so goes society.

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2 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Highlights:
“Technological and environmental shifts have
resulted in men having such low testosterone lev-
els that their grip strength is weaker than that of
women from a generation ago. The ubiquity of porn
has led to erectile dysfunction in men not even out
of their twenties. Social media and dating apps
have made the ‘relational marketplace’ so extraor-
dinarily competitive that some men just give up
and either abandon the idea of sex or turn to vir-
tual reality and even robots. Masculinity is shamed.
Strong men are vilified as toxic. Those who speak
out have their houses destroyed. Fathers are por-
trayed in mass media as unnecessary buffoons—
little better than one of the kids. Anyone esteeming
motherhood as foundational to femininity is can-
celed. Domestic violence is regarded as an exclu-
sively male sin. No-fault divorce, welfare, and wick-
edly prejudicial custody laws incentivize women
to leave their husbands and take everything they
have—and so they do, initiating nearly 80 percent
of all divorces. Male suicide rates are heading for
the skies. No one cares.” (pp. 11–12)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. Why is patriarchy natural and inevitable?
What are some ways in which even our world
is patriarchal? Why is it that men often make
it to the top of organizations and hierarchies?
C H A P T E R 1 : T H E W A R B E T W E E N PAT R I A R C H I E S 3

2. What are the three ways evil patriarchs try to

undermine godly patriarchy? What are some
ways that you see them succeeding today?
3. What are the ways in which the deck is
stacked against men today? Who is filling the
gap by offering men direction in our culture?

Study the Word:

Read 2 Sam. 15:2–6 and Neh. 2:11–20 and 4:1–23.
• How does Absalom win the hearts of the men
of Israel?
• How does Nehemiah rally the men to build
the broken walls? How does he motivate the
men in the face of opposition?
Chapter 2: Masculinity Is
Very Good

Summary:
To understand what we’re supposed to do now, we
need to go back to the beginning: The answers for
our current culture’s masculinity crisis are found
in Genesis and its plan for humanity. Why did God
create man? God created him for productive, rep-
resentative leadership. Men are given more aggres-
sive instincts than women so they can be rulers in
their work to subdue and fill an entire world. This is
what dominion is. And this is very good.

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6 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Highlights:
“The reason that God creates man on the earth,
according to Genesis, is for productive, represen-
tative rulership. This is what it means to exercise
dominion: to fruitfully order the world in God’s
stead.” (p. 19)

“Thus there is nothing shameful about your mas-

culine nature: about desiring to strive, to overcome,
to harness. On the contrary, masculine nature is
glorious because it images the God of glory. It is
what we are created to be and to do. Even now, as
you seek to honor God, you are a replica made to
resemble Him. How much more when you see Him
face to face.” (p. 26)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. How are men designed to be productive, rep-
resentative rulers? How was Adam supposed
to represent God’s rule on earth?
2. How is the word dominion used in the Bible?
What connotations does it have?
3. What are aggressive instincts for? Why is
masculinity a virtue and not something to be
ashamed of?

Study the Word:

Read Gen. 1:1–2:17.
CHAPTER 2: MASCULINITY IS VERY GOOD 7

• What are some of the things that God gives

Adam dominion over in chapter 1?
• Why does God put Adam in the garden in
chapter 2?
Chapter 3: Sex Is Very
Good

Summary:
God could have made the task of exercising domin-
ion asexual, but He didn’t. He made a man’s sexual
desire, and a woman’s sexual desirability, central
to filling the world with His image. A man alone
achieves a little; a man and his wife a little more.
But a man, his wife, and their children are the foun-
dation of cities, states, and nations. It follows, then,
that sex is the engine of dominion, as a man and a
woman join together to form a household.

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10 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Highlights:
“A household is a miniature world. It is a micro-
cosmos. Every household is one atom in the sub-
stance of God’s kingdom. And it is through man’s
powerful sex drive that these households are built.
Then, through households, societies are estab-
lished. Culture begins and emanates from the
household. It is where the next generation of men
is shaped and trained, until they leave their father
and mother, join themselves to a wife, and start the
process anew.” (p. 36)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. How is men’s sex drive meant to make them
fruitful?
2. What are some ways that the church has not
fully seen sexual desire as God’s gift?
3. Why is sex’s capacity for great evil also a ca-
pacity for great good?
4. How are children the reason for sex? How
does sex produce households? How are
households the foundation of society?

Study the Word:

Read Gen. 2:18–25, Mal. 2:13–16, and Matt. 19:1–10.
• What two things did God create woman for?
• Why did God make men and women one ac-
cording to Malachi?
• How does Jesus appeal to Genesis to argue
against divorce?
Chapter 4: The War on Sex

Summary:
The devil wants us to ruin sex in two ways. His first
stratagem is to spread the idea that sex itself is dirty
rather than unifying and fruitful. His second is to
claim that sexual promiscuity is the path to true lib-
erty. The truth is that the devil hates the Creator, so
he hates the Creator’s division between male and
female. There is a war on sex itself: The enemy of our
day is not male versus female (misogyny), or female
versus male (misandry), but rather androgyny—
unbelieving humanity against sexual distinctions.

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12 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Highlights:
“If we can mush the genders into a homogeneous
humanity, there will be no more divisions, no more
tensions, no more conflict. And so girls are taught
to be more masculine because masculine achieve-
ments are the ones that matter; boys to be more
feminine because the masculine nature is toxic
and disgusting. Contrary to Genesis 1:26–31, they
grow up believing that it’s not good to be their sex.
They therefore have no clue how to live as God
designed them.” (p. 52)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. How does God order chaos in creation?
2. What is a telos? Look this up if you need to.
3. Why do we struggle with the idea of rank and
hierarchy? How does Satan attack hierarchies
in his temptation of Adam and Eve?
4. What are examples of the order of the sex-
es under attack today? How is our enemy
androgyny?

Study the Word:

Read Gen. 3 and 1 Cor. 7.
• How are Adam and Eve set against each other
after they sin?
• How are the curses that fall on Adam and Eve
appropriate to each of their tasks?
• What temptation does Paul warn against with
regard to sex?
Chapter 5: Spiritual War &
Spiritual Worship

Summary:
Satan’s goal is tearing down God’s hierarchy and
frustrating the fruitfulness of his image-bearers.
Thus, the devil’s project is androgyny. This is why
androgyny has become a “religion” of sorts, and
those who question the LGBT+ agenda are treated
as “heretics.” Humans are built to worship, and
modern pagans can no more stop worshipping
androgyny than they can stop being male and
female. The choice is stark: serve God to bring
heaven to earth—or serve Satan to bring hell.

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14 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Highlights:
“So, do you know any people who eschew overtly
religious rituals, yet spend their days in service of
mammon, coveting some new purchase or some
new experience? What are they serving? What are
they glorifying? What are they enjoying? Answer
those questions, and you will also discover what
(and how) they are worshipping.” (p. 66)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. How is the war on gender a spiritual war?
2. How has this war destroyed people’s lives?
3. Why is it important that male and female
are both made in the image of God? How
does this make sense of the current rebellion
against the image of God?
4. How is an attack on God’s image an attack on
God?
5. Why is it inevitable that everyone worships
something?
6. What are some things people worship today?
What are they seeking out of life?

Study the Word:

Read Rom. 1:18–32.
• What is the first sin that men commit, even
though they know God exists?
• How does God punish them for this?
Chapter 6: Toxic Sexuality

Summary:
Modern psychologists speak in terms of toxic mas-
culinity, but the Bible describes sins that reveal
toxic sexuality. When masculinity is oriented
toward serving God, it is very good. When mas-
culinity follows Cain instead of Abel, it becomes
toxic—and the errors of toxic masculinity are obvi-
ous. True femininity is also very good…but evan-
gelicals forbid you to talk of toxic femininity. Loud,
immodest women (as Proverbs describes them)
have led many soft men astray, even men as wise as
Solomon. This is because, like Cain, they worship
themselves instead of pursuing God’s dominion.

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16 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Highlights:
“You might think you are too smart for that to work
on you. Don’t be so sure. It has worked on millions
of smart men so far. Are you wiser than Solomon?
Just because you know how to avoid harlots and
hussies doesn’t mean you know how to avoid Satan’s
daughters. The obvious traps are not just there to
trap the simple.” (p. 78)

“What makes a good husband according to

Sandberg? It is a man who does not get in the way
of his wife’s ambitions. This is why the command-
ing “alpha males” of her youth won’t do. They’ll
buck against her demands and manipulations.
Sandberg, like all loud women, eventually settles
on a compliant “beta” who knows who really wears
the pants.” (p. 83)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. Can men ever stop trying to take dominion?
2. How are Cain’s city and the Tower of Babel
counterfeit dominion? What drives these
cities?
3. How is sexuality corrupted in a fallen world?
How is violence misdirected?
4. What are some feminine sins that are rarely
attacked in the modern Evangelical church?
5. How is the feminist ideal of the ambitious
woman opposed to the Biblical ideal? Why is it
important for women to have a “quiet spirit”?
CHAPTER 6: TOXIC SE XUALIT Y 17

Study the Word:

Read Prov. 7–8.
• What kind of woman does Solomon warn us
to avoid?
• How does she seduce her man?
• How is she parallel to Lady Wisdom?
• How do these two women lead to entirely dif-
ferent destinations?
Chapter 7: The Church
Effeminate

Summary:
The Church, of all places, should not just welcome
patriarchy (which is the rule of fathers to magnify
the name of the Father) but should celebrate, culti-
vate, and teach it. But the Western Church is over-
whelmingly comprised of women—of both sexes.
This problem is the result of white-knight pastors
desperate for the approval of someone—and equally
desperate to avoid their disapproval. Usually, the
approval they most crave is from women. The con-
flict avoidance of “nice-guy” pastors and influential
women perfectly captures why our churches have
become nests of false teachers, places unfriendly to

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20 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

the truth-telling of true shepherds. These problems

are actually the result of good impulses that have
been perverted: the masculine desire to elevate
women and to defend them, and the female desire
to knit a community together in harmony.

Highlights:
“This feminine-normative mindset is why men’s
sins are always attacked strongly from the pulpit,
but women’s sins are barely mentioned. Even the
idea of specifically feminine sins does not exist as
a category in most pastors’ minds. It is why men’s
ministries are just women’s ministries with bacon.
It is why a woman can do anything an unordained
man can do, and if she gets popular enough to start
doing what only ordained men are supposed to do,
you had better not notice that she is unordained—or
a woman. This is why ‘whispernets’ of nosy biddies
routinely undermine faithful ministers who preach
the historic position of the Church on sexuality. And
it is why we are never surprised to see sizable num-
bers of other ministers throwing out biblical stan-
dards of evidence and conduct in order to support
the biddies. A woman is shrieking to be saved from a
dragon—what more is there to know?” (p. 94)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. What is a “White Knight” pastor? Who do they
look for approval from?
C H A P T E R 7 : T H E C H U R C H E F F E M I N AT E 21

2. Why are women supposed to knit together

communities? Why is this a problem if it is
not balanced out by male “disagreeableness”?
3. Why are false teachers often good at being
agreeable? How does too much agreeable-
ness in a church lead to failure to discipline
and the decay of orthodoxy?
4. How is the idea that men and women are not
that different a Gnostic idea?
5. Why is the view that we are just biological
machines sometimes more appealing than
the Gnostic one?
6. What is the Biblical view of the body?
7. Why can’t our salvation in Christ not just stay
inside us?

Study the Word:

Read Matt. 17:21–28, Rom. 6, and Jas. 1:21– 2:26.
• What should disciples of Jesus do when they
hear His words?
• What does Paul say we should do and not do
as Christians?
• What does James say needs to come with faith?
Chapter 8: No Father, No
Manhood

Summary:
Every boy is born male—but manhood is some-
thing you must grow into. And to mature, you
need the love and discipline of a father. In other
words, to become a father, you must have a father.
Without fathers, sons remain boys. They grow up
clueless about how to harness and aim their mas-
culine natures. They are functional bastards, per-
petually in a state of arrested development, and
destructive to society. Even unbelieving sociol-
ogists can see this. But it’s not too late if your
own earthly father has failed you—the formula

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24 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

is simple: Find a faithful church that will disciple

you. Submit yourself to it. Grow up.

Highlights:
“Indeed, both boys and girls tend to love their
father especially because he is to be feared. It is
precisely because he is dangerous that they value
his presence in the family—not because he is dan-
gerous to them but because he is dangerous to the
sin and chaos that threatens the harmony of the
household. He is the center that holds their world
together; if he were not dangerous, he could not
defend that world against everything that endan-
gers it and threatens to pull it apart.” (p. 108)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. How do all fathers reflect God’s Fatherhood?
What kind of impact do fathers have on their
families that mothers do not have?
2. Why do many “clueless bastards” make the
mistake of looking for teachers instead of for
father figures? Why is digital instruction or
even mentorship insufficient?
3. How does God act in our lives as our Father?
4. How can pastors, elders, and other fellow
Christians be good fathers?
5. Why is it vital to find a church where there are
men you respect?
6. What is the problem with looking for a per-
fect church?
C H A P T E R 8 : N O F AT H E R , N O M A N H O O D 25

Study the Word:

Read Rom. 8:12–17, 1 Thess. 2:1–12, and Heb.
12:1–13.
• How does Paul describe salvation as making
us sons?
• How was Paul a father to the Thessalonians?
• How are suffering and discipline a sign that
God is our Father?
Chapter 9: No Gravitas, No
Manhood

Summary:
What does “grow up” mean? It means getting gravi-
tas—a virtue which refers to a man’s seriousness,
his dignity, his weight (translated literally). You
can’t inherit it, and you can’t fake it. Gravitas is the
result of having settled into your Christian identity
as a man, when you become proficient at reflecting
the glory you were made to reflect. This begins with
the fear of the Lord. A good place to check your own
maturity is in your speech: Gravitas means avoiding
the pitfalls of either self-seriousness or mockery.

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28 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Highlights:
“It is not hard to spot a self-serious man…. You will
usually notice that he cannot laugh at anything,
least of all himself. He fears levity, because in mak-
ing light of something, he might himself be thought
light. He appears to have a solemn manner—but
it is really the grimace of bearing a crushing bur-
den. He is an overloaded bridge creaking under too
much weight, and this fragility comes from lacking
discernment.” (pp. 137–138)

“We are also a culture awash in frivolous entertain-

ment—and especially comedy, which has a special
place in the heart of our culture. It has a special
appeal to our guilty souls because flippancy can be
used as a kind of atonement ritual. The comedian is
our modern priest, standing on a high place before
us, publicly confessing our terrible deeds, our
guilty habits, our wicked thoughts—and removing
the shame by turning it all into a joke.” (p. 140)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. What is the difference between real and coun-
terfeit gravitas? Why must genuine gravitas
be earned?
2. What are some of the things that the fear of
God brings? How do we cultivate a healthy
fear of God, especially in today’s casual
Evangelical culture?
C H A P T E R 9 : N O G R A V I TA S , N O M A N H O O D 29

3. Why is it important to speak about God rev-

erently and even to avoid minced blasphe-
mies? Why is it important to show respect to
superiors?
4. Why do people aiming at gravitas sometimes
take themselves too seriously?
5. How is our culture flippant?

Study the Word:

Read Prov. 1:1–9, 1 Tim. 3, and Tit. 1.
• What is the beginning of wisdom?
• How is this tied to respect for the older
generation?
• What kind of men does Paul advise Timothy
and Titus to appoint?
• Why did Paul leave Titus in Crete?
• Why are older, wiser men so important for
churches?
Chapter 10: Gravitas
through Duty

Summary:
Scripture describes virtues, duties, and traits that
are integral to manhood. By focusing on these, you
can more easily order your life around God to reflect
His glory. There is a triad of masculine virtues:
wisdom (your grasp of what is happening in your
world and how to act accordingly), workmanship
(your developed ability in the talents God has given
you), and strength (your ability to work while bear-
ing weight). If you combine these virtues, you get
three masculine duties that show us what exercis-
ing dominion looks like. Our first duty is envision-
ing and planning (wisdom about workmanship).

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32 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Our second is building and supplying (workman-

ship upheld by strength). Our third duty is guard-
ing and fighting (strength guided by wisdom). And,
when you combine masculine virtues with mascu-
line duties, three masculine traits become clear:
enterprise, constancy, and readiness. Pursue these
things to get gravitas through duty.

Highlights:
“A man who flinches and bends his neck is a man
about to receive a beating. If your family’s head is
not stable, its body is vulnerable. A woman who
can rely on her man, who can rest assured in his
consistency, diligence, and grit, is much more
likely to be happy and content. Most women today
are harried and anxious—because their men are
flinching heads.” (p. 157)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. Why are wisdom, workmanship, and strength
all important for men? Why are regular work-
outs and physical labor so important for men?
2. What are some of the typical masculine ways
of being weak and avoiding responsibility?
How can we avoid bad emotional habits and
take responsibility?
3. Pick one the following pairs of virtues to dis-
cuss: envisioning and planning, building and
supplying, and guarding and fighting. How do
men sometimes fail to perform these virtues?
C H A P T E R 1 0 : G R A V I TA S T H R O U G H D U T Y 33

4. Which one of the following virtues do you

think you struggle with the most: enterprise,
constancy, or readiness? Which one do you
tend to be best at?

Study the Word:

Read Josh. 1:1–9 and 2 Tim. 2–3.
• Why does God tell Joshua to be strong? What
were they about to do?
• What virtues does Paul tell Timothy to pur-
sue? What kind of situation is Timothy fac-
ing? How is strength important for him to
succeed?
Chapter 11: How to Bear
the Weight

Summary:
Today, the burden men must carry can seem crush-
ing. Whether you are the son of an absent father or
of a coddling mother, of a broken home or simply of
our misandric culture, it is not a question of whether
you have failed to launch but how much. A lot of
men awaken to this reality only to stew on the raw
deal they got: MGTOWs and brotherhoods of “red pill
rage.” This is not taking dominion. The state of your
life might not be entirely, or even mostly, your fault—
but it is entirely your responsibility. Take heart: God
did not err when He wrote the book of your life. He
made you to take dominion here and now.

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36 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Highlights:
“We aren’t the first generation to be the product of
failed fathers. Read through Judges 2 and you will
find that there is nothing new under the sun. We
can either learn from the failures of our fathers, and
start correcting them, or we can extend those fail-
ures into the future and inflict the same or worse on
our own sons. You can stay a victim, being all rage
and no action—or you can take responsibility for
yourself.” (pp. 160–161)

“Look back on the biggest mistakes of your life. How

major a role did you play in those situations? Speaking
for ourselves, a few weren’t our fault . . . but the major-
ity were. Either way, though, we were responsible for
how we reacted to all of them.” (p. 168)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. What is wrong with being a red-pill victim,
even if there are genuine ways men have
been victimized?
2. What does it mean to take responsibility for
oneself? How is it mostly “toil and grind”?
3. How is the temptation to laziness the result of
the Fall? Why is it so easy to be a sluggard in
our modern culture?
4. How does Christ set us free to work fruitfully?
How can Christian hope empower us to over-
come the difficulties and seeming hopeless-
ness of work?
CHAPTER 11: HOW TO BEAR THE WEIGHT 37

Study the Word:

Read Prov. 24:30–34, Col. 3:23–25, and 2 Thess.
3:6–15.
• What does a sluggard do to his house?
• What behavior does Paul tell slaves to show
their masters? How does this teaching elevate
slaves, even if there they are not freed?
• What does Paul warn the church in
Thessalonica not to tolerate?
• How was Paul an example to the church of
diligence?
Chapter 12: Manhood
through Mission

Summary:
Christ equips you to man up when you focus on
His mission. And the method He uses is to give you
your own mission. A mission is your best effort at
wisely integrating your interests, skills, and circum-
stances into a personal vision for exercising domin-
ion over what God has given you, for his glory. To
start finding your mission, evaluate your interests
against the opportunities that such a calling offers:
to provide for yourself, love your neighbor, glorify
God. Write out ambitious spiritual, physical, eco-
nomic, vocational, and relational goals, but don’t

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40 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

get hung up on perfection—the important thing is

to have something to work toward.

Highlights:
“While a mission should be specific, it does not
require you to have mapped out each step for the
next x years. A mission is not a map. It is more like
a distant mountaintop, which you must figure out
how to reach. This requires exploring the terrain
to find a good route, and often it means using the
compass of wisdom while the mountain is con-
cealed from view.” (p. 182)

“The important thing is to have something to

work toward—and then to simply start. How? Pick
something. Pick anything. Just one thing that will
move you just one step toward just one goal. Then
do it. Repeat this process for the rest of your life.
It’s that simple.” (p. 187)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. What is Foster and Tennant’s definition of a
mission?
2. What is the problem with thinking that your
mission has to be spiritual instead of your
everyday vocation? What is the problem with
thinking that your mission has to be epic?
3. Why can’t there be a paint-by-numbers ap-
proach to mission? Why don’t you need to
CHAPTER 12: MANHOOD THROUGH MISSION 41

have a mapped-out plan for the next couple

of years?
4. Why is it important not to look for some
dream, but to look at your circumstances and
skills when figuring out a mission?
5. Why is it important to put down your mission
on paper?

Study the Word:

Read Luke 19:11–27 and Phil. 2:2–11.
• What do the good servants do with what they
are given?
• How does the unfaithful servant perceive his
master? How did he act as a result?
• What is Paul telling the Philippians to do?
• How is Christ a good example of being faithful
in small and seemingly insignificant things?
Chapter 13: The Necessity
of Fraternity

Summary:
It’s not enough to be a man on a mission. Think of
your mission as a train: it requires rails to run on,
and the first of these rails is brotherhood. Without
brothers, your mission will veer off course. Pursue
deep friendships with other guys. This kind of
nonerotic intimacy between men cannot and will
not exist among opposite-sex friendships. It is also
the kind of friendship that has been destroyed in
our culture. But be careful: the only thing that kills
mission as fast as isolation is crooked brotherhood.
Avoid “crab mentality”—the envious companion-
ship that prevents actual maturity and growth.

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44 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

Highlights:
“Correctability is the single best weapon a man
can wield in his battle against effeminacy and for
manliness—and correctability primarily happens
through the bonds of brotherhood.” (p. 199)

“Good male friends will support you, complement

you, shield you, raise you up, push you forward, pull
you back when necessary, hone you, critique you,
and ultimately sanctify you. Men need men. Find
each other. Take risks. It’s worth the reward.” (p. 202)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. How do stories train us to think that true
masculinity is independent and free from
friendship? What is the problem with seeing
close friendships over a shared sense of mis-
sion as gay?
2. What are gangs of men that we might find
tempting today?
3. Why is it important for men to establish a
working hierarchy?
4. How is correctability one of the best protec-
tions for healthy masculinity? How are friend-
ships built on adversity often made stronger
under stress?
5. How can you avoid letting criticism make you
freeze up or stop moving? How should you
deal with people who are envious of you?
C H A P T E R 1 3 : T H E N E C E S S I T Y O F F R AT E R N I T Y 45

Study the Word:

Read Prov. 1:10–19, Eccles. 4:9–12, and Phil. 2:25–30.
• How do gangs entice people to join them in
sin? Why is this so tempting?
• How are two better than one? What can they
do for each other?
• What kind of relationship did Paul have with
Epaphroditus? What shared mission made
them friends? Why did God spare him from
dying?
Chapter 14: The Excellence
of Marriage

Summary:
It is a key milestone for a man, and a massive step
forward, when he finds a wife. She is the second
rail, running parallel to fraternity, that supports
him, carries him forward, and keeps his mission
on track. However, since a wife is a complement to
your mission, she cannot be the mission itself. It is
good to be a husband. But it is good to be a man
first. The correct order is to get on mission, then
find a woman to complement you; but popular
culture teaches men exactly the opposite. This idea
has wormed its way deep into the modern Church.
It is not so much explicitly stated as implicitly

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48 IT’S GOOD TO BE A MAN

assumed that “true love” eliminates all loneli-

ness, and that to find one’s soulmate is to become
complete. Connected with this, true love takes on
divine power, replacing the marriage covenant as
the sanctifier of sex. But God designed sex to image
covenant love—not romantic love. All this to say, if
you don’t know what your mission is, you cannot
really assess whether a particular woman will make
a good helper for it. Do not be harnessed, pacified,
or destroyed; rather, build yourself up, and start
working to exercise dominion over yourself and
your world. Everything else will follow from that.

Highlights:
“The common AWALT trope—‘all women are like
that’—infantilizes and vilifies them as a sex, and
refuses to endorse marriage because of some
assumed probability of a negative outcome. But
Scripture affirms that the only reason it is possible
for women to be so appalling, so worthy of con-
tempt, the cause of such bitterness, and the bring-
ers of such ill repute upon their sex . . . is because
God made them to be the glory of man—the very
pinnacle of creation—and that such glorious
women really do exist.” (p. 210)

“Before Michael started officially dating Emily, he

told her: ‘I like you. I want to get to know you. But
you need to know I feel a call to the ministry. I’ll
be hated, probably poor, and away from home a
CHAPTER 14: THE EXCELLENCE OF MARRIAGE 49

lot. If that’s a problem, this won’t work.’ That was

twenty years ago. He stayed on mission. He got the
girl.” (p. 222)

Questions for Discussion and Application:

1. What two women are found in Proverbs?
2. How does Proverbs 31 make sense in the con-
text of the book?
3. Why can’t a woman be a man’s mission? How
do bad husbands end up becoming needy
and dependent on their wives?
4. What is the problem with thinking that there
is one perfect soulmate out there? How does
idolizing a woman destroy marriage?
5. How can finding your mission help you iden-
tify the right woman to marry?
6. Why are women attracted to men who are
driven by their mission? How does it give
women a higher status?

Study the Word:

Read Prov. 5 and 31.
• What does sexual immorality to do a man’s
life?
• How does a good woman help her man with
the mission? What kinds of things does she
do for the household? How does she raise his
status in the city?
Afterword

In writing this book, we were not trying to create

a timeless work but a timely one. Our goal has
been to give every man a place to start. Whether
you are single, married, or divorced, young or old,
wealthy or broke, driven or listless, starting out or
starting again, you have to start somewhere—and
that is with being a man. So being a man is what
this book is about. Not about being a husband. Not
about being a father. Being a man. Marriage, sex,
and fatherhood follow from this, and we intend to
write on them also. But the need of the day is for
men to be men—to have at least a basic foundation
on which to build Christian marriages and to raise
up godly seed. Take courage, brother. Be what God
made you to be: a man. It is good to be a man.

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