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 TEAM FRONT
EL CAPITAN/ART DIRECTOR
Steve Beech
DEPUTY EDITOR
Mike Rampton
PICTURE EDITOR
Adam Gordon
features editor
Chris Saycr_ London
deputy art editor
Mike McCabe
designer/production
MANAGER
Joe Colley
SUB-EDITOR/PRODUCTION
MANAGER
Mia Bleach
FASHION & EDITORIAL
ASSISTANT
Jacob Sheppard
funny stutf
Joe Madden
SEXY COLUMNISTS
Alex Sim-Wise, Von, Andrew W.K.
WEB-SLINGER
Matt Harvey
photo detective
Rebecca Naen
ART INTERN
Angus Brash
WORDS INTERN
Rob Joyce
COVER ILLUSTRATION
James Jirat Patradoon
CONTRIBUTORS
Simon Bland, Jordan Buckley,
Julian Berman, James Callahan,
Sam Coaic, Glen Coco, Ivan Crush,
Andy Dawson, Ben Dewey, Soft
Donuts, Nick Edwards, Hayley
Forester, Krystle G, Nicola
Haffcnden, Dan Hipp, Rob

fes
Jamieson, Lizzy Kaplan, Jerry
Kredckl. Davy Lewis, Jay Mawson,
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Mora, Becky Rule, Jack Teaglc,
Chris Warsop
WORKIE SCUM

MANAGEMENT
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THE KANE CORPORATION
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BUNCE MAKERS
COMMERCIAL MANAGER
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the vulvmron
rarhel [email protected] Williams has a bent
020 31419842_ want? A drawing 69. Re no),wltUeLee Vincent.
advertising executive
i^Ifpage 124). MADNESS
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mM WlUOl
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magazine.
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FRONT champions omefHing?
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 LETTER
GET IN TOUCH The mouth from which
[email protected] this month's finest
jibbering is muttered
TEXT 07741 764 656 will be dampened with
a delicously brilliant
FACEBOOK.COM/FRONTMAG case of Tuborg's finest

HMH

KORN QUESTIONS NOW WE WANT CHICKEN

ANSWERED: ROUND THREE I’m currently located in SCI-FI SPECIAL
RANTS AND RAVES Bollocks to the response to
the Korn album in last issue’s letters.
Louisville, Kentucky, but
frequently travel, so I get around a
I don’t like dubstep, but it works well bit. Do you know where I can pick
FROM OUR BULGING SACK with a bass-heavy band like Kom, up FRONT Stateside?

an m so it’s a 3/5 from me. Anyway, any

chance of you doing a feature on the
great Chimaira? I know you’re not
■ InfiiniteAnger, via the FRONT
Forum
Abso-friggin’-lutely, our American
WHY DON'T WE
HAVE LASER GUNS?
Metal Hammer, but you have been friend. As you’re always darting
Ray guns are clearly the tits -
killing lately it by propping Kom, around like some sort of fugitive
you can kill aliens with them
Lamb Of God and Trash Talk, and (you haven't killed someone, right?), and pretend to be Han Solo.
Chimaira are hitting the UK in March you can buy the mag as a well They're not real yet, though. But why,
for a big ol’ tour. hi-tech computer version from our damn it? It's all to do with power. The
■ Thomas Bloomfield, via Facebook website. That way, you can read it U.S. military recently ran successful
Great shout. The metal Ohioans are from the comfort of any safe-house tests on laser weapons, using a laser
indeed over here all through March, so in the world! All good? Great, now beam to destroy a missile in mid-air
if you see anything about them in the that’s settled, we’ll have two bargain and another one to set fire to a boat
mag in the near future, just remember buckets, please. Thanks. These weren’t little hand-held
it was our idea, not yours, yeah? Nice. weapons though - they had to be
THANKS, BUT MAYBE LAY fucking huge, mounted on a 747 and
1WAT-T00 OFF THt SUGAR, MATE an 8,000-ton battleship respectively.
Yo FRONT, cheers loads for Your magazine has awoken As for shooting people, weapons
putting my tattoo in last me to life! Perfect features, real girls developers’ main focus isn’t on
month’s issue. Thing is, you put the and the tattoos are fantastic. Arabella burning holes through baddies or
wrong artist next to my piece! It was gets my vote! Here's an idea: print disintegrating them, but just on
trying to stop them. One way of doing
done by Craig at Design For Life in a picture of a girl with a tattoo-able
this is temporarily blinding them,
Liverpool, not some guy in Brighton, area, then let readers get creative.
which is pretty effed-up, but seems
you knuckleheads! I don’t want my Random, eh!? Anyway, cheers for
like the most likely use of laser
artist thinking I’m giving someone bringing me into the real world.
else credit for his work. Thanks! ■ Dan, from Essex, via e-mail
weapons anytime soon - luckily

■
permanently blinding
Melissa Newman, via e-mail Holy potato snacks, Dan You’re an \ people is banned under
Ah, crapping, stupid balls, Melissa. excitable guy, aren't you? Slow down the Geneva Convention,
We’re dead sorry. The same kinda a bit before you run into a wall or so that’s something.
thing happened to us when we scratch your eyes out or something.
came up with a really useful We imagine you're currently
invention called The off to sing Copacabana, in WHEN CAN WE UVE
Interwebs, and some your pants, through
ON MARS?
boffin heard us the letterboxes of
and stole the •um every house on Before we can live on Mars
idea for himself. your road, you we have to make it habitable,
So we know hyper thing

SOUR KR
which involves terraforming.
exactly how v\ so this’ll fall Terraforming Mars would involve
V
you feel. Kind on deaf ears - changing the atmosphere and surface
of. Sort of. but have fun, temperature, ideally by warming the
We’re sorry! nonetheless, x poles. It would sort of be the biggest
No doubt you won’t give a flying wearing, KFC-for-dinn ex-every-day ■ Peter Muellerfrom Germany, task ever undertaken by
fuck, but hey, it might wake scumbags - the kind of people who via e-mail humanity, would cost r-,F VF \
somebody up there, so I’ll just go were seen on the news mugging Aw, thanks Peter Mueller. We know more money than has ever
ahead and tell you some facts: others during the London riots. we’ll never please every single reader FRONT HERDER existed, and according to I.
your magazine is the biggest pile
of useless, pointless, disgusting,
immoral, cheap, worthless,
Probably the kind of amts who put
together this piece of shit, in fact!
Basically, you should all hang your
of our magazine, but your kind words
really drive us to keep on putting
out our quality publication. Just for
we saliuite toujj Mars Society founder
Robert Zubrin, it would
NADINE MACCREADY & COUSINS take about 1,000 years till it Hr*
steaming horseshit ever put heads in shame, realise that you are you, we'll take some time out of our reached a habitable state.
together with staples (or glue, a bunch of dickhead, dumb-bastard very busy schedule (creating your *'I introduced my bored, homy teens So fuck that then.
or whatever the fuck you stick it losers, and try to make something favourite magazine!) to fill the entire two cousins to your onto your little book
together with) and, quite frankly, out of yourselves before it’s too late. inside of your home with every copy wonderful magazine, of awesomeness." Sure
the only people it would appeal to But I think if you make this kind of of FRONT ever, 100,000 times. Don't and they fucking loved thing., Nadine! We’ve left
are braindead, useless, illiterate, shit then it’s probably already too thank us, please. You're the best. Love it," states excellent you loads of free shit in
late. Best wishes and kind regards. human Nadine. “I your local supermarket.
foul-mouthed, scumbag, tracksuit- you Peter! x
want lots of free shit Just head in and take
for getting two more what you like.

01 FRONT BSUE 165 HOsIl ISSUE 165 O

 READERS TABLE FOR ONE
The beautiful ladies in
your magazine helped
spice up our table!
Robyn Williams & co.
Ha, Robyn Williams,
shouldn’t you be
NOW IN ITS 10THYEAR
singing about angels
and rock DJs? Oh, that’s
Robbie Williams. Wait,
shouldn’t you be singing
about riots and misery?
YOUR FACES & ARTY WORKS Ah, Hayley Williams...

8-10 JUNE 2012, DONINGTON PARK

FRIDAY 8TH JUNE SATURDAY 9TH JUNE SUNDAY10THJUNE

MET NETT YET, PET?
I fucking love your last
cover girl Alysha Nett. She’s
an absolute babe, I’m madly
in love, so I drew this pic of
her. Tell her I’m available
so she can come meet me
whenever she wants.
Taliesin Lang, via e-mail Performing the le^endary
Sure, mate, we’ll give her a
call now. She actually said Black Aibum in its entirety
she was pretty keen to meet
w
you. All we need to know is
how to fucking pronounce
your name and we're golden.
L •

FRONT WINS A HUMAN PERSON

I never knew about FRONT
until my friend said it was a
‘Graphic Design Titty Mag’.
When I looked through it, I
saw some amazing images
and decided to vector this one
W Head ^ trnaiuu? YOU MLAi SIX
WARRIORS OF BADNESS
After weeks of flyering, into this in a big way. Firstly,
of Vikki Blows.
Thomas Moore, via e-mail
We do hope you gave your
trying to earn enough money we're especially fans of that clever, brilliant and handsome
to buy FRONT magazine,
there was only one option for
guy's spikey helmet. Secondly,
that's a sentence we never,
friend about six pats on the
back cos without him, your life
IUM LAMB OF GOD DEVIN TOWNSEND PROJECT
would be a bit more rubbisher.
the left-over flyers. KNIGHTS.
Conor McCarthy, via e-mail
ever want to hear or say again.
Why would you make us say Probably not as rubbisher DEVILDRIVER LITTLE ANGELS ANTH
We're into this, Conor, we're that, Conor? WHYYYYYYY? as your picture of Vikki, but
pretty close. UGLY KID JOE AUGUST BURNS RED
TAG! YOU'RE SHIT!
I drew a picture of Mellisa
with my mate’s name as LETTERS WIN
a tramp tag for a belated
Xmas present. Publish it,
otherwise I’m a shit friend!
Mike Gambriel, via e-mail
PRIZES
■ A picture of you.
See, what you’ve done here, ■ A picture of you
NEXT MONTH FOR TICKETS, FESTIVAL UPDATES AND TRAVEL INFORMATION GO TO
YOU COULD
Mike, is made something
good really really shit Like
being an idiot-head.
■ Your sexy artwork.
■ A picture of you WIN lWW^aW\LOADI^SiPIVALi«rilIi^
when you have a nice piece
of toast with the perfect cupping your A crate of QflJSALE NOW:WEEKEND TICKETS,CAR PARKING I£15 ADVANCE WHEN B00KINGTICKET.C20 ON OATE)
amount of Marmite, and smelly genitalia. FRONT Brew made A CAMPING TICKETS - SUB JECT TO AVAILABILITY. WEEKEND TICKET PRICES TOR DOWNLOAD 2012 WILL REMAINTHE SAME AS THE PRICES TOR DOWNLOAD 2011
then you add a stranger’s ■ Anything else you by BrewDog shall be UNTIL MIDDAY MONDAY 'JOTH JANUARY 2012 WHEN ALL TICKET TYPES WILL GO 0IT SALE.ALLTICKETS WILL GO BACK ON SALE AT 5PM MONDAY 30TH JANUARY 2012
the bevvy of the top WITH WEEKEND TICKETS INCREASEDT0 2012 PRICES. RIP PACKAGES (VIP CAMPING) & RIP HOTEL PACKAGES ALSO AVAILABLE FR0MTHE FESTIVAL WEBSITE OR CALL 0207 009 3484
hair to it, for example. Hang think we’d like (please
your head in shame, idiot not your genitalia). crap picture-giver.
{SUBJECT TO LICENCE) IBILLSIBJECTTO CHARGE!
KERRANG!
QlhRCft ISSUE 165
vodofone TUBORG
 MOP SHOVE IT
What is it with people shoving
things up people’s bums this
month? Like, we’ve never tried
it, obviously. That whole thing
with the cucumber and the
elderly man and the cottage
cheese was totally a coincidence,
we think our drink was spiked
actually. We might try the mints
.
in the ear thing though Jamie
Henderson, thanks.

UKINKII mbut
Resident designer face-art is a Mike
and professional Tyson, obviously. If
idiot Bungle of Eat It you like 40 satsumas,
Bungle fame recently
broke the record for
chickens, pies, t-shirt/
jumper onesies, baths,
x .A
Least Number Of Pints
Drunk Before Passing
Out And Falling
lowliness, bullying
and potential heart
disease, follow him on
oL
Asleep At Work. The Twitter @BungleFront

SALVADOR GNARLY
Many thanks to the wry smile,
Scott and Garth plaid backdrop
for sending this and paper eyes
rare surrealist are symbolic
painting in. of acutely
The bizarre suppressed serial
juxtaposing of killer undertones,
the word ‘Slayer’ as well as a
next to the classic severe case of
collection of boozeism and
spunking cocks a pretty severe
is suggestive of a and violent case
lack of direction of dick-wadism.
in life, while Just... fascinating.

SAUSAGEAND
MASHED NEXT MONTH
You always hope to wake
up to sausages frying. If you think you can do better than paper
Sadly, we don’t think eyes and sausage bumming, drink your
Luzian Schopfer can look medicine, snap the disasterous result and
a fry-up in the eye again, you could win a copy of Arena, out on Blu-
after having a sausage ray™ and DVD on 9 January courtesy of
shoved up his arse, put in Sony Pictures Home Entertainment, along
his mouth, then shoved up with a sexual 22in LCD TV. Delicious.
his arse again, only to be
licked by his cat [censored]. TAPEDICK
It’s happened to everyone
after they’ve had a few
Snapper Oily Nice says,
"Joseph is very good at
out whilst tearing off
his gaffer tape chin
GET IN TOUCH
sleeping. His state got strap”. Nice coat, Franz
[email protected]
Luzian, it’s happened to
everyone. Congratulations considerably worse just Ferdinand. Nice snot, I
snapper Simon Steiger, after this photo was snot-nose. Nice name,
taken when he hulked Oily, you... wally.
FACmOK.COM/FltONTMAG
you disgusting boy.
RONTMAG

o FRONl ISSUE 165 HOMI ISSUE 165 G

 FRONTAL
60 PAGES OF NEWS,
GIRLS, BANDS AND POOR,
POOR JOKES
SEXY LADY

OUR RADDEST REDHEAD IS BACK, AND THIS TIME

SHE'S ABSOLUTELY SMOKING! NO, REALLY, SHE'S
ACTUALLY SMOKING. LOOK. TOLD YOU...
PHOTOGRAPHY: JAY MAWSON STYUNG: SOFI DONUTS HAIR A MAKEUP: BECKY RUIE

FAlSE
Nanc|tK9» :w Indcpcfkkfii Trucks. Sifaf .VfYKr Gun \cckktcv, uherfmiccyuritnmuk

IF LUCY COULD INVENT ANYTHING, SHE’D INVENT SHOES THAT

WERE TOO BIG FOR YOU.
FALSE: That'd be the rubbishest thing ever. No, Lucy would love her own robot
butler. "One with massive furry arms like the monster in the Cup-a-Soup
advert would be amazing,” she says. We’d want ones with fucking guns for
arms so they can shoot stuff and break things, because we are boys.
LUCY V CAME UP AGAINST A LOT OF RESISTANCE THROUGHOUT
HER HIP-HOP CAREER, DUE TO THE CONTROVERSIAL NATURE OF
HER LYRICS. HER 1988 DEBUT ALBUM WAS ONE OF THE FIRST
RECORDS TO HAVE A PARENTAL ADVISORY STICKER.
FALSE: Oh dear, you silly fuck. That was seminal gangsta
rappers N.WA Lucy is a 22-year-old from Warwick
with no stickers on her whatsoever. Fact.

®H*ON ISSUE 165

 f

k’jccu.o m
Kuccii (ioi KVtdycnn Dins & Kuccii lugring*.

TWILIGHT GAVE LUCY THE SCARIEST

NIGHTMARES EVER, THE BIG SOFTY.
TRUE: "I had a dream that werewolves
were chasing me round my house and
I had to slam doors really quick
to keep them out. It was so
scary," she says.

o FROM! ISSUE 165 h RON I ISSUE k. 5©

 TRUE
FALSE
A MAN OUTSIDE A BAR ONCE GAVE LUCY A SUPER NICE
COMPLIMENT BEFORE PULLING HIS PANTS DOWN.
TRUE: "Yeah, this guy complimented me on my red hair and
then dropped his trousers and windmilled me,” she says.
Instead of coming up with a witty retort about his tiny little
balls, Lucy "just went back into the bar’
LUCY WOULD REALLY LIKE TO JUMP OUT OF AN
AIRPLANE IN THE NUDEY.
TRUE: "I'd start off doing it normally, then move onto
costumes, and then do it in the nude,” she says.
We’re glad she’s thought this through. Doing
it butt-naked from the off, with your
tutor strapped behind you, would
be inappropriate.

pto SMOKING

HON I ISSUE 165 Q

 SHIT TO GET PSYCHED
ABOUT THIS MONTH

r^^ar^ThrceCW0 I BALDER, BEARDIER AND BADDER THAN EVER, MAX

WE RE HOSTING an expo jJ RETURNS FOR HIS MOST BULLET-RIDDLED OUTING YET...
featuring all your favourite
FRONT ladies in sexy art
form. Get down to The Black
Heart in Camden, London from MAX PAYNE: the game series so For part three, gone is the bleak intact: once again, Max has failed to
21-25 February to glimpse some good we can just about excuse the New York skyline - Max is off to protect a woman, and once again,
rad prints from top artists. crappy Mark Wahlberg movie that sunny Brazil, eager to prove that no he compensates for this with gruff
Godmachine
Contributing artists are: pebble-dashed the big screen back in matter where he is or how much hair monologues and bullet-time kills.
Andres Guzman, Bicideta Sem Nico Bassez, Paul Jackson, 2008. Where else can you play he has, he can still shoot people in Sun-kissed South American
Freio, French, Glen Brogan, Pete Fowler, Waste Studio and a recently-bereaved man, groggy on the face while slowly diving through violence and brand-new multiplayer
Godmachine, Jack Teagle, James WeThreeClub. Don’t say we a diet of pharmaceutical drugs, and the air. An updated physics engine options-the third instalment of
Jirat Patradoon, Hello Freaks, never give you anything. make him stalk round, gunning means that enemies never fall the Max Payne is deservedly hotly
Jordan Buckley, Kate Prior, Head to page 45 for all the deets. down anyone in his way? The whole same way twice, but the core of what anticipated. Anticipated to the 'max’,
Luke Dixon, Luke Drozd, Matt concept screams ‘leisure time’. made the franchise popular remains in fact! (We’re so very sorry.)
Skiff, Mr. Gauky, Nate Trapnell, ■ theartoffront.com

WONT
 FRONTAL
f «*•

I j - 'rhL ■. I ’■ ^ tj
v u i , I r
■ Mr

BEHOLD! THE SUPERGROl)f> TO END

ALL MOTHERFUCKIN’SUPERGROUPS

GIRAFFE TONGUE Orchestra

OUR FAVOURITE UNIA)VED have us hyperventilating
LEFIOVER SHELF-SITTERS like a giddy kid on his way
to Alton Towers. As if Ben
Weinman, Brent Hinds and
Eric Avery weren't enough, the
DR. ZARZOX: Having tried and failed to grow a human supergroup have announced
lover from irradiated fungus, demented Bolivian scientist
Dr. Zarzox has turned to ITV to find herself a mate. that former Mars Volta
drummer Jon Theodore is
joining the party. Hinds and
DZ-505: The DZ-505 represents the cutting edge of Weinman kick off a Mastodon/
weaponised seduction technology. God help the penis that Dillinger Escape Plan European
ventures into the chomping jaws of its titanium fanny! tour in March, so it may be JON THEOnCDF
some time before we hear any Cunently a member of duo One Day
material, but if that team sheet
MC BINFUCK: East London rapper MC Binfuck says she's fhpM0nv,’PaUed With Ra§e Against
A on the show “to link a bare buff mans who can dagger mi is anything to go by, it'll be The Machine s Zack De La Rocha. Has
pum pum till it’s bruk, y 'get mi? Any batty wastemans well worth the wait. previously drummed with The Mars
gonna get demselves shanked doe, serious >wn for his explosive, dynamic style.

MRS DOREEN: Recently thawed out after being frozen in

the 1950s, Mrs Doreen is looking for a traditional man
who enjoys home-cooked meals, holidays in Margate and RFNJ wfinman
flMBTHE ___ Escape Plan. P
lashings of aggressive reverse-cowgirl anal.
OILLINGER it, he actually has another
ESC supergroup
go with members of
MATHS: Disorientated Maths thought she was appearing
on Countdown, hence her sudden, confused cries of, “Two which he plays drums for.
from the bottom and four from anywhere else!” whenever

m. L
El HONKO; T like short, obese, flatulent men,” says El
an m w
«. m■rr ji
Honko, "with greasy little privates and a hairy, hairy back,
Ideally, a weird gammy hand as well - but beggars can’t lift
I I iiJ
be choosers!”

BRUTUS: Brutus want big man punch wall with. Brutus *ed^edt0ic<*v ^■ abmwh
love punch wall. Brutus smash wall good! One time Brutus
mlk i

1
smash out of prison. Helicopter come, try shoot Brutus. fcortv ^ U°t'
Brutus just laugh and kick helicopter into space. Brutus! It**; ^ee bot* *c 1

s
SHOOSHOO: Mentally-ill street-fighter Shooshoo is
under the mistaken impression that Take Me Out is an
international combat tournament. "I'm puttin' all these
bitches in the fuckin’ hospital,’’ she reckons, wrongly.
m
BOYCIE: Boycie off Only Fools And Horses has had a full
BRENT HINDS
Mastodon
E
Avery played bass in Los Angeles
sex-change, and now looks absolutely fabulous, we’re sure • oea rriosi ltarist- vocalist and “^dcUcMtv\ legends Jane’s Addiction. He
you'll agree. His newly-detched penis is being displayed in N rejoined the alt-rockers for their
- he’s a bfp ,man‘Started out
the British Museum until September.
“ss so GTnf pr°gressive 2008 reunion, only to leave again
’so GT0 ^uld prove to be an
experimental side in 2010. He also briefly worked with grunge Pioneers
CHUCK1EZ: Living up to her name, Chucklez quite simply
cannot stop la-ha-ha-ha-ha-ha-haughing. Is she mad? Smashing Pumpkins, when they returned in 2006.
Taking the piss? Stoned off her margin? Fuck’s going on?
Do shut up, Chucklez.
 FRONTAL

CHOCCY
m BOOZE m
CHOCOIATE AND BOOZE
ARE TWO PRESENTS YOUR
IADYMATE WILL IX)VE, IN ONE
EASY-TO-GLUG BOTTLE. BUT
WHICH IS THE VALENTINIEST?
I

y
GABRIEL BOUDIER DIJON
CLASSINESS: Looks a bit like the
y bubblebath you get when you book a
romantic mini-break in a Holiday Inn,
y which is classier than anything.
FUN FACT: Gabriel Boudier is famous

y for making Creme De Cassis, which is a

y blackcurrant liqueur and disgusting.
RATING: My, that's deliciously smooth!
Like a 5p Choco lolly from olden times.
You could easily drink a pint of this, and
then die horribly from all the fucking
alcohol in it.

1 AFTER 2
k IVORY CHOCOIATE LIQUEUR
CLASSINESS: Looks like some ghastly
'll 1] The Only Way Is Essex piece of
Christmas-shit-merch crap. And it’s
called After. After what? Fuck you.
FUN FACT: There are an estimated 10
million mammoths buried in Siberia,
along with their precious ivory tusks.
RATING: Gone-offBaileys, cocoa-
butter-and-roasted-marshmallowjelly-
beans-smelling, tastes-nothing-like-
dwcolatea^^^^^^^j^|

MOZART CHOCOIATE $
CREAM GOLD /
CLASSINESS: It’s called Mozart and
comes in a solid gold bottle. Solid gold.
FUN FACT: Mozart is the greatest
IT MUST BE PRETTY TOUGH BEING 15 composer of all time. He died without
MIKAIAH & ANAIAH
AWESOME, AND BEST MATES WITH a penny to his name and was buried in
a unmarked hole in the ground. What
LEGENDARY PUNK FRONTMEN... HELLO GENTS, WHAT’S much love on Warped lit cigarettes during their a dick.
THE BOTS’ STORY? 2010. They told us to set Pretty crazy. RATING: It might look posh, but this
M: It’s unorthodox. drink lots of water and WHAT CAN WE EXPECT tastes like Frijj milkshake that’s been
ITS FAIRLY SAFE to say that we may Glendale, LA, inspired by the likes of We played together stay humble. FROM YOUR DEBUT spiked with vodka at a children’s partv.
have slightly mislived our youth. It’s Black Flag, Wasted Youth and Circle but never considered M: Joe Nelson from EP, HOW TO MAKE The aftertaste is very fucking bumy.
okay, we can admit that. All the time Jerks. They've already won a shit-ton ourselves as a band till I Set My Friends On FRIENDS, OUT 20 FEB?
we spent spitting off bridges could A: Expect some
have been, used penning our first multi
of praise from big-hitters Rolling Stone
and Spin magazine, as well as being
we saw other two-pieces.
YOU’VE MADE
Fire taught me how to
maintain control in the awesomeness!
BOLS CACAO WHITE
CLASSINESS: Bin.
- zillion^Ping erotic novel. On the the youngest band ever to hit Warped YOURSELF SOME wrist when I play and M: There’ll be some FUN FACT: Bols Distellery has been
other hand, looking at successful child Tour with their old-skool punk-meets- FRIENDS IN HIGH still bring a heavy sound. beautiful artwork on our around since 1575, making it the oldest
stars, it’s perhaps not all it’s cut out to rock’n’roll sound. Not only that, PLACES ALREADY, SUCH WHAT'S THE MADDEST EP. It’s what we think of surviving distillery in the world. Also
be. Michael Jackson? Dead. Macaulay but they call legendary Bad Brains AS TRAVIE McCOY, THING YOU SAW ON as rock'n’roll music. in 1575, the bubonic plague wiped out
most of Venice, the most romantic city
Culkin? Weird. Bieber? Cock-twitch. frontman HR "Uncle HR”. Fuck yeah. AGAINST ME! AND THE WARPED TOUR? WHAT’S THE
Thankfully, thereVe two youngsters “Uncle HR is like family to us," DHIINGER ESCAPE A: We saw Sky from ULTIMATE GOAL? fit in the world.
RATING: Woof. With Bols, you get
bucking the trend. Mikaiah, 18, and says Anaiah. Goddamn, we were shit PLAN. WHO’S GIVEN Foxy Shazam play the M&A: To become super that great burning sensation from the
Anaiah, IS, aieTh£ Bots: brothers from children. Never mind. YOU THE BEST ADVICE? keyboard with his toes, successful, and to keep first sip! If you can’t stomach this, try
A: All the guys in and the singer from the doing what we’re doing. something milder, like tequila. Then
Dillinger showed us so band, Eric, eat a load of ■ thebotsband.com lick some cocoa powder. Then hurl.

FRON1 ISSUE 165 Hast ■II ISSUE 165 Q

 FULL r 8 ESSENTIAL THINGS
FRONTAL

GRAVIS

1 JOSH OWEN
" ALL HAIL THE NEW KING OF
KILLER FONTS
HI JOSH. HOW DID YOU GET INTO copying various screens from the
ILLUSTRATING? After an endless Lemmings game.
parade of shitty jobs I thought it WHAT ARE YOUR INFLUENCES?
was time for me to do something Where’s Wally?, Diego Rivera murals,
I'm good at for a change. old woodcuts and engravings,
WHY THE ALPHABET? The Russian realism and animals.
alphabet started out as a way for WHAT’S YOUR FAVOURITE PIECE?
me to practice drawing different I did a piece for great longboard
animals and fonts. Everyone company called Dangerous Decks,
seemed to like it, so it's gone a featuring a massive panda attacking
bit beyond practise now-I’m a city with its laser-eyes.
thinking of turning it into a book. WHAT’S THE BIG PLAN FOR THIS
WHAT WAS THE FIRST THING YEAR? Building up my website and
YOU EVER DREW? I remember getting as many people wearing my
drawing out battles with tees as possible! That and getting my
hundreds of stick men, and alphabet into book form.

SIM-WISE TAKES SONY'S

NEW HANDHELD FOR
A SOAPY FIDDLE

THE PS VITA, Sony's new handheld fun-machine,

drops later this month - and we managed to get
our paws on one. Naturally, we handed it over to
FRONT'S resident games guru Alex Sim-Wise. 1 TWO ANALOGUE Similar to the iPhone built in-front and
It’s got WiFi and (optional) 3G for online gaming STICKS screen in terms of back! It’s got Skype,
and social networking, and you download all your One notable difference how you navigate, it’s too. Ace.
games - no discs. We live in the future! between the Vita and pretty fuckin’ nifty. 5 BIGGER, FOR
its older compadre
the PSP is the Vita’s
3 REAR
TOUCHPADS
BETTER GRIP
As you can see, it's
additional analogue Certain games will that grippy, you can
stick, making menu- deploy the newly- use it in the bath.
cruising a doddle. added back-touchpad. Thankfully, Alex only
2 TOUCH SCREEN 4 CAMERA mildly electrocuted
The Vita is fully Finally, a Sony herself while taking
touchscreened-up. console with a camera these pics.

ISSUf 165
r ^

ILLUSTRATOR PROFILE

DREW MILLWARD
THIS MONTH'S ARTIST ENXDYS CHEESEBURGERS, TOM WAITS, WRESTLING WITH HIS
OWN PERSONAL DEMONS AND LIVES IN AN OLD QUARRY... ^

/J ViA . O Sam And Max

'ft fv. - / Screen print for the
f f / 1t i

' Multiplayer show at

1 t/ST f Cm/? V
9 Gallery 1988(2011).
a Wr5 © This Is Awesome
1 J ^ vOvk V' / V J Design for the Poster
Roast x Awesome
Merchandise series
(2011).
© Suck It Up
Princess album
cover for Palmchat
(2011).
O Poster for
Black Moth Super
Rainbow and School
Of Seven Bells (2009).
© Poster for Gallows,
Fucked Up Every
Time I Die and SSS
(2008).
© Smoky Joe laser-
etched wooden
brooch (2011).

HELLO DREW. TELL US ABOUT YOU. off the loneliness, WHAT’S THE COOLEST THING YOU’VE
I'm 30 years old and I live in an old and then calling it EVER SEEN?
quarry, in the Aire Valley, which is at a day. After a night Tom Waits. Never actually in person,
the border of North Yorkshire, West of sleeping on it, but he is about as cool a thing you are
Yorkshire and Lancashire. I have you can usually ever likely to find roaming the earth.
a deep and undying love for riffs, approach things WHAT ARTISTS YOU LOOK UP TO?
cheeseburgers and beer. When I’m not with a fresh set of Within The Dead Sea Mob (that’s a
indulging my passion for the finer eyes, and the ink collective of like-minded scribblers)
things in life, I spend most of my time flows much better. I’m surrounded by artists who
drawing pictures. I work with pencils, WHO ARE YOUR I truly admire and am proud to
ink, pens and the occasional digital DREAM CLIENTS? work alongside. Godmachine, Dan
intervention. I suppose the work You know what? Mumford, Tom J. Newell, Mr. Gauky,
I make comes from a lifetime of I’m really lucky. I’m able to make a Guy McKinley, TwistedLoaf and
experiences and influences, all living drawing pictures, and nine Megamunden are all folks who’s work
assimilated and filtered through the times out of ten, I’m left to my own floats my boat. As well as the DSM side
limited talents I am blessed with. devices. To be paid to create work of things, the Poster Roast collective
TALK US THROUGH A TYPICAL IOB. that I want to make is pretty much of good eggs are all cranking out great
Each job is different, so typifying the the dream. There are bands and work and again are, in most
process is a bit misleading but, in companies I’d love to work with - cases, good friends. It’s nice to be
terms of an illustration job, it's usually Shellac, Mastodon, Mission Of Burma surrounded by such talented folk.
a day or so sat sketching, listening to and if Hollywood insists on remaking I could sit and list people all day, really.
music, formulating ideas, wrestling TrollHunter, I’d love to be in the But above and beyond most people, it’s
with crippling self-doubt, combating production design department. But for probably Aaron Horkey and Jay Ryan.
my own personal demons, fighting the time being, I’m happy as can be. ANY WORDS OF WISDOM FOR

«
ASPIRING ARTISTS?

"A TYPICAL JOB INVOLVES r O Practice! And learn a trade.

Plumbing perhaps?

FIGHTING OFF LONEUNESS, Or train to be an

electrician. It’s good to

THEN CALLING IT A DAY" have a fall-back plan.

HiONl ISSUE 165 ©

 SETA
REMINDER

7HE WAKING
DEAD SEASON 2
The Walking Dead is fucking
great - we love it, you
love it, everyone _y*.**'
loves it. So
obviously you’re

the show is on

the mid-season
finale. But stop! Stop
crying into your Shaun Of The
Dead duvet cover and listen. The
second season continues this
month. In no time at all you can
continue watching Rick and the
gang run around like nutters, as
they try and avoid those bastard
annoying zombies.
12 February, AMC

MUSIC
FOUR YEAR
STRONG TOUR
If you love pop-
punk quartet ¥
Four Year v *
Strong. | * * r
well done. I * t
You’re just A ^
in time to -
catch their
UK tour,
including stops
in Leeds, Glasgow and London.
Fill your boots, you lucky devil.
Dates end 1 February,
fouryearstrongmusiccom

PICTURE: CHRISTIAN PONDEUA/RED BULL PHOTOFIlES

SNOW
WINTER X GAMES
The world’s best snowboarders
and skiers once again descend
solely to hash, the answer is
WHAT? Cannabis Cup. BEST 8/7: Using your judge pass on Tignes for the competition's
everyone. Where else could you
WHERE? Amsterdam, The to sample the finest bud._ European leg. There's nothing
Netherlands._ WORST BIT: Temporary closure,
see Cypress Hill’s B-Real and an like watching professional
WHO THERE? Every stoner courtesy of Amsterdam Police. old man debating the pros and athletes carve up
stereotype you can think of. THE LOOK: Vacant smiles and pros of marijuana? the French Alps
while you’re sat at
And Cypress Hill. glazed eyes.
THAT'S Till] SOI AHA home, reflecting
on what a fat,
Til I 1*01 I. I .< I
yet warm, bastard
AMSTERDAM AND WEED go such as Best Booth, Finest Strain Despite later telling anyone you are.
together like Richard Blackwood and for top prize, the Cannabis who would listen that we 26-29 January, ESPN
and mediocrity, so the location Cup itself. Barney’s coffee shop courageously fought off 30
of High Times’ annual Cannabis won it for the second year coppers with a special-edition FESTIVAL
Cup shouldn't come as a huge running with their strain Liberty Yoda bong, the police were very HAMMERFEST 4
surprise to anyone. Um... it was Haze. So well done Barney. polite and there was no violence You don’t often get the chance
Amsterdam. Moving on. So, with With live music, comedy and as they went about confiscating to storm round a Pontins resort
to a live metal soundtrack, but
enough chronic to shoot another a whole host of cannabis-related everyone's dope. The festival
Hammerfest have filled a gap in
five seasons of Skins and lasting merch to splash your cash on, reopened the next day, but a that very weird market. If that’s
six hazy days, it’s a safe bet that everyone embraced the spirit of ban on the sale of weed made not enough motivation for you to
the ozone layer above the Dam the occasion and had a lovely everyone question why the fuck immediately snatch up a ticket.
will never recover. time, right up until the police they were still there. Anthrax and Skindred have been
Judge passes could be raid at the staggeringly ironic announced as headliners. It’ll be
purchased through the website time of 4:20pm. Here are some ■i it.* or n \_ a corker.
15-18 March, hammerfest.co. uk
and allowed you to buy up to five good things we saw... or did we? Inhaling fried cannabis vapour,
grams of bud a day from a whole we were assured, is the only way
host of vendors. Votes were cast tiii: wKi/ri\i. tHvr_ to smoke weed, and in no way Want to promote your Idler show,
by ballot paper with each coffee If you’ve ever wondered who resembles huffing glue behind awesome dub night, bam dance,
Bar Mitzvah or other shindig? E-mail
shop competing in categories would attend a festival devoted your dad’s tool shed. us at...
[email protected]

01 -(Os ISSUE 165 TPON1 ISSUE 165 ©

PICTURES: REUTERS
 r

FULL
FRONTAL

BIC FLEX 4 BRAUN CRUZER 4 WILKINSON REMINGTON WILKINSON BRAUN SERIES 3

TESTED £12. ama2on.00.ut £70, currYf.co.uk SWORD HYDRO 3 TOUCH CONTROL SWORD QUATTRO 380-S4
Bic adds a blade, and Loads of different dipper £6.39, suoerdnjg.co.uk £60. anaos.co.uk TITANIUM £110, boots.ca.uk
suddenly, oh shit, it attachments for various This glides across the This is a pretty pleasant PRECISION This is well easy to use and
motherfuddng works. A hair lengths, as well as, face and leaves you with shave, but it’s annoying £8.50, superdrug.co.uk feels very very powerful

SHAVERS
good shave, cheap as fuck like, wiry pubes and skin so fresh, it’s like having to unlock the This shaved super close, as soon as you turn it on.
and it won’t slice you open lovely stuff like that. you've just sprung from touchscreen to turn it off. and the trimmer at the Having the off button so
which is always a bonus, Feels well worth the the womb. Fantastic. It charges at a USB port base is great for keeping close to the grip is a bit
isn’t it? money on your face. A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS: though, which is ace. the tache tidy. Cheap, too of an arse, though.
A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS: A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS: "We used to have razor- A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS: A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS: A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS:
"You can make really "All my pubes fell out fights in prison. I sliced "Underneath this jumbo “I shaved a man's 'Tike Samson, my strength
tasty cider with fermented years ago, after the CIA a screw’s nips off. Oh, beard I look like a young bumhole for four quid. comes from my hair. And
back-hair.” abducted me." happy days.” Lily Allen.” Blew it on Twixes.” from my erection."

DITCH YOUR HIBERNATION ★ ★★★★

BEARD AND STOP LOOKING
LIKE SUCH A PUBIC MONSTER

F.Y.I
The safety razor
was invented by the
awesomely-named King
Camp Gillette, founder
of, unsurprisingly, the
brand Gillette. He’s long
k- dead now.

PHOTOGRAPHY JAY MAWSON STYLING: SOFI DONUTS HAIR AND MAKEUP: BECKY RULE

REMINGTON BICFLEX3 PHILIPS REMINGTON BIC EASY PHIUPS

TITANIUM X £1.74, boocom BODYGROOM COMFORT 360 {A, amazon.co.uk
BODYGROOMER
£150. currvsco.uk A close, if rough, shave. PLUS £46 SO, amaron. ftttik This wet-shave piece PRO
This tugged like shit The bare minimum you £5S. araos.co.uk This barely shaves you. of shit hates the face. It £50, debenhami.co.uk
on longer hair. It left a expect from a proper Did the job, but took Presumably they added drew blood within five Gives a smooth and
bunch of stubble, which cheap disposable. It’s eight hours to charge. the 360 because you end seconds and is about as painless shave, but it
made us feel manly, but scum, but at least it Extra power required to up right back where you easy as the Virgin Mary. looks like shit and takes
it's not worth the price. knows it's scum. hack bollock shrubbery. bloomin' started. Fuck this razor hard. a day to charge.
A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS: A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS: A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS: A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS: A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS: A HAIRY TRAMP SAYS:
"Please take the electric 'Tm gonna donate my "Biggest beard ever? "My ex wife used to 'T used to own Bic, "Have you ever seen a
cord of this shaver and beard to science, so that Crazy Elsie’s. She lives in shave me, before I done /know. Recession done shaved horse? The/re
strangle me.” rats fuck it” the Tesco skip.” the bad burglary.” me in, inn it .” very erotic.”

★ ★★★★ ★ ★★★★ ★ ★★★★ ★ ★★★★ ★★★★★ ★★★★★

FR0N1 ISSUE 165 O

 FULL
FRONTAL

AS WADE MACNEIL, FORMERLY OF harsh, gruff voices, we grew up half a times where I d go out and sing Death
ALEXISONFIRE STEPS INTO A TIRADE OF world away from each other, me from Voices with them. That's always been
Canada and him from the UK. my favourite song. It's so anthemic, and
POSITIVE AND NEGATIVE FAN PREDICTIONS, DOES THAT MAKE SINGING THE I've always loved how British it sounds.
CAN GALLOWS HOLD THEIR OWN? (THE OLD SONGS MORE NERVE-WRACKING It encompasses everything that's good

H
ANSWER IS FUCK YES, AND FUCK YOU, TOO...)
ello wade, last time
WE SPOKE, YOU WERE
TALKING TATTOOS AND
SO, GALLOWS. ARE YOU VIEWING
THIS AS THE REBIRTH OR THE
EVOLUTION? JUDGING BY THE EP
THAN TRYING OUT THE NEW
MATERIAL ON CROWDS?
I think it’s like when you hear a band
play something new, when everyone
takes a step back and starts listening
about 77 punk while being modern and
smart. That’s what I love the most about
this band.
WAS THERE A SONG YOU WERE MORE
APPREHENSIVE ABOUT?
HOLDING YOUR DOG. TITLE, DEATH IS BIRTH, IT SOUNDS a little more. The EP has been out for Erm, I’d say Orchestra. When I first
HOW CONDUCIVE IS THE ROCKSTAR LIKE YOU’RE STARTING AFRESH... a little while now and so I’m hoping started listening to it and started
LIFESTYLE TO OWNING A DOG? I think it's a bit of both in a lot of people know the songs by now. We thinking about singing this stuff, I
I suppose it’s kinda tough. Touring ways. Musically, I feel we're pushing toured the U.S. before hitting England thought it might be strange. When we
is all about making sacrifices so that forward and building on what was and there were definitely the diehard first played it though, it felt way better
you can do something that’s really great about Gallows. At the same fans there. The shows were cool, but and way more real that I could have
incredible, I think. But of course I time, there are some polar opposites. it wasn’t essentially a Gallows crowd. imagined. We end up playing it last
miss the little guy. Tyson's in Toronto As much as we’ll try to honour what And that’s cool, and it’s good to play like every night now.
right now with his dogsitter, so he’s in was good about the band in the past, that with your back to the wall and play WAS IT A CONSCIOUS CHOICE TO GIG
really good hands. with having such a massive shift it's hard enough to make people notice. IN NORTH AMERICA FIRST RATHER
YOU SAID THAT HE WAS “AN like starting over in a lot of ways. WAS THERE ONE SONG YOU WERE THAN ON GALLOWS HOME SOU?
INCREDIBLY AGGRESSIVE LITTLE WHAT DO YOU SEE AS THE MOST PARTICULAR!? LOOKING FORWARD Gallows had a full year planned out
DOG” TOO. HAS HE CALMED DOWN POLAR OF OPPOSITES? TO GETTING YOUR TEETH INTO? when Frank called it quits. I stepped in
AT ALL SINCE THEN? Generally, it comes down to my voice. Alexisonfire had toured with Gallows and was told when we were recording
A little bit in his old age, like we all do. As much as myself and Frank have before so there were a whole bunch of and when we were touring. The wheels

SUE 165 'PON l ISSUE

 FRONTAL

were already in motion so it wasn't in general there're tons of amazing

a case of testing it out in the States bands whether they be indie bands
before: the tour was already booked. or whatever. It’s a small community,
WHAT WAS THE BEST THING ABOUT so with guys like Bedouin Sounddash
THAT TOUR? and Constantines and other bands
It was all new for all of us. As much as you’d never think of being in the
the guys have been playing the songs same room, there’s a like-mindedness
for so long and I’ve toured for so long, between us all. Everyone can relate in
it feels so fresh and new. The five of us some small way. GALLOWS HAVE DONE A
were finding our way. YOU’VE OPENLY SAID THAT YOUR BUNCH OF KICK-ASS SHIT
OVER THE YEARS, BUT WHICH
ARE YOU ANTICIPATING A AIM IS TO TAKE GALLOWS MORE THINGS STICK IN THEIR
DIFFERENT REACTION WHEN YOU BRUTAL, AND YOUR 23-SECOND MINDS AS THE RAD I) 1ST?
EVENTUALLY DO A FULL UK TOUR? SONG, TRUE COLOURS, IS A PRETTY
Yeah. There’re a lot of people that are GOOD INDICATION OF THAT. IS STEPH
rooting for me over here in the UK and THERE AN END GOAL? “Hearing a
there’re a lot of people against me. Tm It's baby steps right now. In the next 33-piece string
orchestra play
excited to shove it down their throats. year I want to put out a record that
music we’d created
HAVE YOU BEEN READING we'll still be proud of in 2030.1 think on a laptop for
NEGATIVE SHIT LIKE THAT ON THE it’s that strive to do something that’s a Grey Britain at
WEB OR HAVE YOU ACTIVELY KEPT nod to the past, looking at music that Air Studios was
CLEAR OF IT? inspires you but still doing something spectacular stuff.
You can’t avoid it, but I definitely don’t new, pushing punk and hardcore. The I'll say that.”
sit there trolling my name all day. EP is an eight-minute burst of violence,
STU
That’d drive me fucking crazy. Most and that's what we wanted to do. We "Supporting
importantly, on the U.S. tour we were didn’t over-think it, we just put it out. Rage Against
doing everything ourselves, like selling As we write this next record, we’ll The Machine at
merch and stuff, and we met a lot of push to really challenge ourselves, Finsbury Park.
kids. If there’s one thing you can’t fault AND FINALLY, HAVE YOU PICKED UP Being asked to play
by the band that
Gallows fans on, it’s for being blunt. ANY ENGLISH TRAITS?
influenced me, and
People were coming up to us and Loads of English slang has crept into in our hometown,
laying it on the line. They'd say how my vocabulary. We were sharing a it’s like... fuck”
they really didn’t know what to think, bus with Sharks on the U.S. tour so I
but were excited. got home and it all came out. I think I AGS
DOES THAT KIND OF CRITIQUE FUEL the big one is ‘cunt’. People say it over ‘Tm going with
recording Grey
THE FIRE, THOUGH? here like it’s no big deal. I’m hoping
Britain at Abbey
Yeah, I think so. You meet people that doesn’t slip out in front of my Road. The Beatles
constantly and perhaps because you’re grandma I feel like it’s about to. FTOfT are one of my
in the public eye, they feel the need to |i favourite ever
be really honest with you. There's a lot I MRbmJL bands so using
of backhanded compliments. You're that space was
incredible.”
putting yourself and your art out ?• BeTB0<
there, but it’s the positive reaction and * LEE
connection you strive for. Of course, . "1 loved closing
that comes with some negativity too. the Lock Up at
HOW WAS THE TRANSITION FROM | flBfc WH | Reading. All our
BEING BEHIND A GUITAR TO OPEN- 1 . family and friends
were there with an
TO-THE-ELEMENTS FRONTMAN? V
ace atmosphere,
, You know what? I was thinking it was * B and it was a big
gonna be a bit strange, but I didn’t way to end a
think it would be that odd. The first ^^ s festival season.”
show we played in Connecticut hit me
over the head like a ton of bricks. As tv
soon as I stopped singing, I decided to jy *
jump off the speaker stack. That was fifi
the ‘no-going-back’ moment for me.
HAVE YOU GONE TO OTHER W^^B
MUSICIANS TO ASK FOR ADVICE? Ifl^B
I was definitely having a singer #«
» conversation with Chris from Cursed 4| ^B^^B
and Liam [Cancer Bats] the other day m jH^B
over tacos. That circle of people I’m ^ ^ ) Miff
buddies with is because of punk-rock, • Si , , #
so essentially that’s all we talk about. ♦ 1 y jaHifry

I
) ITS DEFINITELY A BROTHERHOOD
OVER THERE. ANY INTERVIEW
WE’VE DONE WITH ANY ONTARIAN
ALWAYS SAYS THE SAME...
Totally, and I don’t even think it's 1
’
'
, l|^^B /r>^Bf i
/ft
/' Jg

WADE
H specific to that kind of scene. Just 'All signs are pointing to touring the UK.

HOsll ISSUE 165

 HOW WILL THE EVIL DEAD TRILOGY AND BURN NOTICE STAR
HANDLE THE QUESTIONS WE PUT TO EVERYONE?
- % -
ILLUSTRATIONS: DAN HIPP

MAS A YOUNGSTER, WHAT WAS Q WHAT WILL YOUR FUNERAL MJM DO YOU HAVE ANY
1 YOUR FAVOURITE FILM? 0 BE LIKE? M*T PHOBIAS?
The Sound Of Music. I saw it in a I told my wife, if it all goes wrong, put I’ve confronted my fear of heights
theatre and it blew everyone away. me in the back of the pickup truck, plenty of times, and it didn’t help.
drive me out to the desert and leave
WHAT'S THE WORST THING me under a tree with a bottle of water, WHAT'S THE WORST IDEA
YOU'VE EVER EATEN? a hat and a joint, and just walk away. YOU'VE EVER HAD?
Sea urchin. It was like eating Making The Man With The Screaming
somebody else's giant booger. IF YOU WEREN'T DOING THIS Brain in Bulgaria. There are wild dogs
FOR A LIVING, WHAT WOULD running round, and being accosted by
IF YOU COULD THROW ONE YOU BE DOING? gypsies is a very special experience.
PERSON OFF TV INTO A PEN A park ranger. We get a lot of tweakers
OF LIONS, WHO WOULD IT BE? in the woods out here. I’d hit ’em over TELL US ONE AMAZING
A mass execution of all the talking the heads with sticks. THING WE WOULDN'T
heads on television who tell you KNOW ABOUT YOU.
what you just saw - left-wingers, YOU TWEET A LOT. WHAT'S I wear special moisture-removing
right-wingers, all of them. I’d bulldoze THE APPEAL FOR YOU? underwear filming Burn Notice.
them off the edge of the flat earth. I'm still getting my sea-legs. I waded Miami in summer is miserably hot.
in about the rioting in the UK and got
WHAT SUPER POWER WOULD all my facts wrong. Everyone called me WHO'S THE BIGGEST
YOU MOST UKE TO HAVE? an idiot. I ended up like, "fucking riot ARSEHOLE FAMOUS
It would be sick to hear what people then.’’ Now I tweet pictures of clouds. PERSON YOU'VE EVER MET?
honestly thought of you. I’ll say that often, actors who play bad
WHAT'S THE MOST YOU'VE
5 WHAT'S THE MOST ILLEGAL
THING YOU'VE EVER DONE?
EVER NEEDED THE TOILET?
I’ve been driving and pulled over to
guys in movies are really nice, and the
heroes are usually the assholes.

There are some things that are illegal, let it fly into Mother Nature quite a IF WE GAVE YOU A MILUON
but don’t feel it to me. Ingesting few times. QUID AND 24 HOURS TO
certain things that grow out of God’s RINSE IT, WHAT WOULD YOU DO?
green earth is not bad. I don’t think WHAT'S YOUR BOOZE OF I’d buy all the large hunks of land
it’s illegal to kick a kid in his ass as CHOICE? available around my property and
hard as you can, and that’s far worse. Tequila on the rocks. I don’t shoot it, expand my empire into a fiefdom.
that’s for teenagers.
WHAT MAKES A NIGHT WHY SHOULD PEOPLE BUY
PROPERLY AWESOME? WHAT'S THE STUPIDEST BURN NOTICE SEASON 4?
I live in the woods, and I THING YOU HAVE EVER You’ll feel the world's a better place.
like getting people over, SAID TO SOMEONE YOU
making a big bonfire and WERE TRYING TO IMPRESS?
burning shit. I was talking to a Southern WHAT'S THE

7 WHAT IS THE
girl when making the first Evil
Dead movie. We were dancing,
PUNCHUNE
TO YOUR

PICTURE: GETTY
FIRST ALBUM YOU both drunk on moonshine. I FAVOURITE
EVER BOUGHT? said, "You smell nice, what’s your EVER JOKE?
I
I was a non-music-buying perfume?’’ and she said, “Soap". “It was a stuffed chief of police". It’s a
kid. I bought comics. Nothing happened. very long joke with a bad punchline.

IKON! ISSUE 165 ©

 FULL
FRONTAL

ANDREW W.K.

PARTY IN THE
FUTURE
IT'S UKE REMEMBERING THE PAST IN REVERSE...

IF WE THINK about what’s already is that the nanobots could run

happened, and then put ourselves wild and take over the world by
back into that past-tense head- breaking everything down into
space, we can reverse-visualise the carbon molecules to build more of
future and, in turn, imagine what themselves. But it’s worth the risk.
it’s like to be here and now.
Maybe that doesn’t make any WE WILL HAVE THE BEST
sense. Besides, all of us are living VIDEO GAMES
in the future right now. I even It’s estimated that within
wrote a song about this called You the next 20 years, computer
Will Remember Tonight. It tries processing will be so
to be in all states of time at once. powerful and fast, we'll be
"You Will” is addressing the future, able to mimic reality so it’s
"Remember" is addressing the indistinguishable from a
past, and "Tonight" is addressing man-made image. It’s hard
the present. It’s fun to think about to believe, but there may be
time in a flexible way. Maybe the a time when video games
future and the past are always look EXACTLY like real life,
there, but just out of sight Or or even more real than real
perhaps everything is all one giant life. Imagine how this can
NOW moment. Let’s live to see the be used for pornography!
future so we can party with these
awesome breakthroughs... WE WILL HAVE THE
COOLEST HOUSES
WE WILL MAKE ANYTHING Much like we can build
Since everything is made up of our own webpages
carbon molecules, it’s only a matter today, in a few years,
of time till we create machines that we'll basically have the
can assemble those small pieces of ability to live INSIDE our
carbon and build them into objects. websites, living a version
Imagine a bunch of tiny robots that of our lives deep inside
are so small, they’re able to work webpages that we customise
on the most microscopic levels. and enhance. We’ll basically
These tiny ‘nanorobots' would build our own online virtual-reality
be able to work with pure carbon houses. We’ll be able to make the
molecules to build any object from online house of our dreams, with
scratch. Manufacturing will be detail so life-like, we won’t even
changed forever, as will shopping. notice a difference from reality. It’ll
Why go out and buy a new hat be like website communities such
when your nanobot machine can as Second Life but a billion times
print it out at home? The only risk more intense. And awesome!

OF MY FAVOURITE FUTURISTIC MOVIES

BACK TO THE
FUTURE PART II
The hoverboard will This movie
exist. It has to exist. looks amazing,
It must exist especially the aliens.

Ql IRON ISSUE 165

 IN 7 987, NO other hip-hop production team, The Bomb Squad, Prince, The Smiths and Sonic Youth.
act could touch the heavyweight were the album’s true champs. Sadly, YBRTS's noisy minimalism
awesomeness of Public Enemy. While other producers were nicking and in-your-face lyrics didn’t
Their debut album, Yo! Bum Rush simple funk loops, The Bomb Squad initially catch on with rap fans
The Show, was a brain-quaking were piling on layer after layer of more used to the bouncy beats and
revelation: stripped-back, grimy and skronking, atonal noise to create good-time rhymes of Run-D.M.C
angry as fucking fuck, it was closer, the most alien beats ever heard. and Beastie Boys: for a while, it was
in sound and spirit, to hardcore YBRTS received squealingly Def Jam’s lowest-ever-selling album.
punk than it was to the prevailing enthusiastic reviews. Melody Proof, if proof were needed, that
rap trends of the time. Maker gushed, "It’s like being when confronted with the raddest,
Chuck D’s booming flow and struck by a meteor." NME declared maddest, freshest new shit out
Flava Flav’s lunatic outbursts were YBRTS its Album Of The Year for there, most people cover their ears
a big part of YBRTS’s appeal, but 1987, ahead of classic releases by and do a poo-poo in their pants.
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MADONNA

PRON1 ISSUE 165 ©

 DUDE OF SPORT

mis
ARGUABLY THE GREATEST SNOWBOARDER IN THE
WORLD TALKS THE ART OF FLIGHT AND THE JOYS OF
GETTING SNOW DOWN HIS BUTT-CRACK...

SO TRAVIS, THIS ART OF FLIGHT in the middle of some pretty hairy

HIM HAS GONE A BIT SLIGHTLY terrain, so there was no easy ride out.
FUCKING MASSIVE, HASN'T IT? We told him to suck it up, the pussy.
Man, it's unprecedented how huge Nah, we saw what he looked like and
<
that film has gone. I mean, we had knew we had to get him out.
high hopes and huge aspirations but KNOWING THAT ONE FALL LIKE
seeing how it's been picked up, it's THAT CAN END A CAREER LIKE
nuts. In the first week the trailer had YOURS IN AN INSTANT MUST BE
two million YouTube hits. That was PRETTY SKETCHY IN ITSELF...
a wake up call, especially as our last I definitely try to ride with a plan
film, That’s It, That's All, had about for the future. I know guys, like
200,000 in a year. old skaters and boarders that don’t
YOU GUYS WERE PUSHING THE take good care of themselves and
BOUNDARIES SO FUCKING HARD now they’re fucking broken. Look at
IN FILMING. DID YOU HAVE ANY American football players and rugby
SKETCHY MOMENTS THAT YOU players. They beat themselves up
HAD TO THINK TWICE ABOUT? for a living, dude. They’re walking
Yeah, definitely. You gotta know around in fucking pain, arthritic,
that for every line we rode and for and can't even run with their kids.
every trick we hit, there were lines THEY'RE WAY UGLY, TOO.
we didn’t do and tricks we held back Yeah dude, fucking piles of meat and
from. We were all out there to come bone. Good guys, absolutely, but I
home at the end of the day, though. know there are so many other things
If we weren’t feeling something I still want to do. My goal is not to
then we didn’t do it, you know? We put it on the line of fucking tearing
rode for ourselves, and that's what myself apart landing some shit.
we were trying to convey. ARE THERE STILL LINES THAT
EVEN SO, THERE’S A SECTION SCARE THE HELL OUTTA YOU?
WHERE RIDER SCOTTY LAGO Absolutely. Like I was saying, for
BREAKS HIS IAW PRETTY BADLY... every big line we filmed in The Art
Yeah, when he looked up and his Of Flight, there were ten that looked
jaw was all fucking crooked we too crazy. There’re so many runs that
knew it was pretty serious. We were are so bad-ass, but there could US*
20 miles away from any hospital,

“A HUGE PAR
nowboard

FRONl ISSUE 165 ©

 FRONTAL

TRAVIS
MOMENTS
FIVE THINGS THAT
CEMENT T RICE AS
ONE OF THE BEST
BOARDERS EVER
meadow

1 MAMMOTH,
CALFORNIA, 2001
mountain
CABIN

Travis, aged 18, rocks up to

Snowboarder magazine’s
Superpark comp and lands a 110ft
backside rodeo. He is immediately
approached by sponsors.

2 CHAD'S GAP,
UTAH, 2004
T-Rice busts out a disgustingly
big switch S40 over a 120ft back
country gap that was then
deemed unhittable. Check it out in
Absinthe’s film, Pop.

3 X GAMES
2002 AND 2009
Travis has twice taken the top spot
while competing at the coveted X
Games, first in the Slopestyle and be something about it that's too or break. At the same time, I’ve ass lumberjack team and made over
most recently in the Big Air. dangerous. We tried to be wiser been through a lot and I’m trying 100 really big features. Now, we just WHEN THE DAY COMES WHERE

4 TRANSWORLD SPORT
RIDER'S POLL AWARDS,
and pull back from those.
ARE YOU CURRENTLY THE BEST
SNOWBOARDER IN THE WORLD?
to evolve what I do. I still appreciate
them, but I’ve got other things that
I’m perhaps a little more interested
have to wait for the snow to cake it,
and it’ll be insane. It’ll be the Art Of
Flight of competitions, but a little
YOU’VE GOT TO HANG UP YOUR
BOARD, WHAT’S THE PLAN?
I dunno. I’ll still be in pursuit of
2009 WHAT'S IT LIKE TO HEAR THAT? in other than contests right now. more redneck. the perfect slash. I’ve ridden with
Before The Art Of Flight, That’s It, I don’t think there’s a way to ONE OF THOSE THINGS MUST BE CAN YOU EVER JUST BE TRAVIS and stuff, but this one was so some old, old dudes that are totally
That’s All was undoubtedly the
quantify it. The last two years. I’ve YOUR OWN NEW CONTEST TAKING RICE GOOFING AROUND ON THE aggressive, man. Like, I actually had capable. I like to think age is a state
best snowboarding film about.
Travis won Rider Of The Year, Video been in pursuit of back country PLACE IN FEBRUARY. THAT SNOW, OR ARE YOU ALWAYS to get the fuck out of there. of mind and it’s really just how well
Part Of The Year, Video Of The Year freestyle riding while watching the SOUNDS ABSOLUTELY HUGE. UNDER PRESSURE TO GO BIGGER WITH ALL THAT DONE AND you take care of yourself. You can
and Reader’s Choice. Not bad. new youth ride slope style contests Yeah! It’s called Supernatural. It’s AND BETTER THAN EVERYONE? DUSTED, WHAT'S ON THE CARDS let yourself go at 35 and be a bitter

5 2011
THE ART OF FLIGHT,
like fucking maniacs. Straight up,
there're like three or four top guys
that I don’t want to go compete
come from the duality that right
now, there’re no comps to cater
for the snowboarding superstars
A huge part of my snowboarding is
fucking about. I think something’s
changed with our film though.
FOR YOUR SEASON?
Hands down. I’m going to ride with
some different crews. I want to
40 year old. I don’t want that.
AND FINALLY, WHAT'S WORSE:
FROSTY BALLS OR AN ICY ARSE?
With the biggest budget for a against right at this minute, fuck no! and the core youth that’re doing LIKE WHAT? check out new spots. I’ve had my Snow down the back of your pants
snowboarding film ever, and with
tech able to capture 1,050 frames YOU MUST GO INTO COMPS AT amazingly in slope style, park Boarding is so niche, and I love it for head up my own ass for the past is the worst thing ever. I mean, a
per second, the insane ability of LEAST THINKING YOU CAN BEAT and the X Games. It took a couple that, but the project went so huge. two years working on that film, frosty ass is kinda refreshing but
Rice along with Mark Landvik, EVERYONE THERE, THOUGH? of years to find, but we’ve found I did a three-month PR tour of the and I'm looking forward to doing fuck man, when it gets in your
Nicolas Muller and Jeremy Jones A little bit. I love getting into the the perfect place for it in British movie. Years before, we could do a some scouting and extending crack and cold water starts dripping
makes it the best boarding film yet
mindset of giving it your all, make Columbia. We hired the most bad¬ premiere and hang out and mingle Supernatural to different locations. down, I hate that. FTOfT

FRONJ Hi JN1 ISSUE 165 ©

 GADGETS SPIKE WEE
Unde York Spike Toy. QOO, imdevork.com
GOOD: These days, kids aren’t

SPLASH running round having space-

battles with Transformers;
they’re pretending to direct edgy
and confrontational blockbuster

YOUR CASH
-£-
movies while waving one of
these Spike Lee dolls in the air.
BAD: Alright, they’re not really
doing that - they're all having
SCARF FACE got*iw(*D

Beavls & Butt Head Talking

unprotected bum-sex while
BECAUSE SAVING IS FOR WANKERS smoking crystal meth. Pesky kids!
Bobblcheads. £18 each, firebox.com
GOOD: Give your
desktop a faintly
annoying 1990s
makeover with these
POP, BITCH blabbermouth Be avis
Home Cinema Popcorn Maker, L100.fimbox.com and Butt-Head figures.
GOOD: You can have a TV the size BAD: How many times
of Saturn and surround-sound could you stand to hear
up the wazoo, but if you ain’t got the Beavis one say, "So,
a popcorn machine, your ‘home um, hey, how's it goin'?”
cinema’ ain’t worth a before you boot it out of
BAD: This comes with an open window? We
a grumpy, acne-riddled reckon about 324.
14-year-old who half¬
heartedly asks if you
want to upgrade to a
Mega Nachos Combo,
then charges you £19.50
for your medium popcorn MON-KEY
and small Sprite. A Bathing Ape Keyring,
£TBA. bape.com
GOOD: Did you see
Rise Of The Planet
Of The Apes? It
INSTAPICS actually wasn’t bad,
Polaroid Z340, £230. firebox.com was it? Why not
GOOD: Updating the BAD: You no longer need ton commemorate how
classic instant-snapshot shake the photos to make not-awful it was
camera for da twenty-tenz, the ink dry quicker, thus by purchasing this
the new Polaroid features rendering the "Sh-shake it Bape keyring thingy.
an LCD screen, edit-before- like a Polaroid picture” bit BAD: That final
BAT-BOOK you-print options and an of Outkast’s Hey Ya utterly scene was fucking
The Batman Files, £2S, amazortcauk SD-card slot. utterly meaningless. daft, though.
GOOD: Even the to the Bat-tits with Bat-
Joker would enjoy art and Bat-facts.
this mahoosive tome BAD: If you read this
dedicated to Gotham’s aloud, it’ll come out in
most face-kickiest crime¬ Christian Bale’s stupid
fighting bad-ass, stuffed Bat-growL

PORN PLATTERS BATHSUME

Gelli Baff, LS.jimhojccan^
Dirty Dishes. £12 each/£60 for a set
B. of six, dirtydish.es GOOD: Pour this
GOOD: Your dinner demented shit into a
guests will be licking bath and it turns the
f away at these grot- water into colourful
adorned plates long LENS BE HAVING YOU goo, thereby making
after the last dregs of iPhone Lens Dial, £160. photojojo.com you feel like you've
gravy have gone. Bon GOOD: Want to go one Twitpics look like absolute just answered a
'V appe-tits! better than Hipstamatic? cock-rot in comparison. question wrong on
BAD: One lonely, This next-level piece of BAD: There's no getting a hyperactive kids’
desperate evening when iPhone kit allows you to round the fact you’re going gameshow.
the internet goes down, rotate between wide-angle, to look a bit of a prancing BAD: It’ll look like
you may well find yourself telephoto or fisheye lenses, bozo as you fiddle with Godzilla done a big
masturbating to crockery. making all your mates your gaylord camera gizmo. wank on you.

©IFRQN ISSUERS
 PHOTOGRAPHY: ROB JAMIESON

WHAT ARE YOU DOING RIGHT FAVOURITE FILM: It's hard to

NOW? I’m getting myself together choose, but Fear And Loathing In
for a big rave in Bournemouth Las Vegas. I love that film.
called SubsoiL FAVOURITE ALBUM: I’m into my
DREAM JOB: I've got to ^ drum and bass, so I don't
say being a model. The A \ listen to many albums. I’m
freedom and being able jCA more likely to download
to pose all day kicks ass. Wm mixes and stuff,
BEST THING ABOUT j* J FIRST GIG: I can’t
BEING A FRONT jj^" 0 really remember, it was
ALT GIRL? Pretty self- Wjf probably a metal or ska-
explanatory, really. FRONT type thing. You know the
is cool, and everyone loves it. Battle Of The Bands schools used
Why wouldn’t I wanna be a part to do? Probably one of those.
of it? LAST GIG: Do raves count? I went to
TURN ONS: He’s got to be sound one in Bournemouth recently. B3P
and hot. I’m generally into
stoner guys, but I A
dunno why.
TURN OFFS: Uptight,
narrow-minded, vain
dickheads.
WHO DO YOU HAVE
A CRUSH ON? Oh,
I dunno! I guess
Johnny Depp is the
obvious choice.
TALK US THROUGH
YOUR TATTOOS:
I had my first when I
was 16 in Lanzarote,
that's on my wrist.
Then I had a skull and
crossbones done when
I was 17 in Turkey.
My latest one is my
hummingbird from last
year. I need more!

WON I ISSUE 165 e

 FULL
FRONTAL

* -

PERFECT NIGHT OUT: Friends, and

plenty of supplies to get you fucked
up. That’s about it.
PERFECT NIGHT IN: Sofa, telly,
smokes and the internet. I'd love
to say it’s not Facebook, but it’s like
crack to me. It’s addictive.
HIGH HEELS OR *3^
TRAINERS? Trainers. I’m ^
rocking some really nice
purple Nike mid-tops at
the moment.
FAVOURITE FOOD: I’m a
vegan, so anything green.
BOOZE-DRINK OF CHOICE:
I’m loving vanilla Smirnoff right
now. It's a beaut. It only takes about
two of them and I'm done.
WHO GETS WHAT IN YOUR WILL?
Uh, I dunno. I’ll be gone so everyone
can sort it out amongst themselves.
It’s not gonna be my problem, is it.
CLAIM TO FAME? Ah hell, I wish
I could come up with something
amazingly awesome, but I don t have
anything. I got nothing for you, sorry.
SEXY/MIND-BLOWING FACT
ABOUT YOU: I can lick my elbow.
That’s not even a lie! I must be double
jointed or something.
I SECRETLY HAVE A PASSION FOR...
I don’t keep my passions secret
really. I love art, modelling andraves.
Everyone knows that now. HWT

fONl ISSUE 165

 FRONTAL

GiIR/L
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO RIGHT
NOW? I’m chilling in bed with
a bag of sweets, a beer and
my Xbox controller, about to
make some dragons regret ever
stepping foot into Skyrim.
FIRST EVER GIG: Meat Loaf when
I was four years old!

THE OFFICIAL HOME OF

GIRLS WAY COOLER
THAN YOU ARE

' -AFi

VIXIN
WHAT ARE YOU UP TO
22, RICHMOND U S A

‘seize the night', roses

RIGHT NOW? Dancing with a sugar skull, a black-
in my underwear. capped chickadee, a statue
TALK US THROUGH of winged victory, a key._
YOUR TATTOOS: I have BOOZE OF CHOICE:
loads: a self-done tattoo Whatever’s free. I’m a fan
of Boo the Mario ghost, a of vodka if you’re buying.
zombie pin-up girl, ‘carpe ANY SECRET PASSIONS?
noctem’ which means I collect My Little Ponies.

WHAT ARE YOU The Beautiful

UP TO RIGHT South, Blue Is The
NOW? Fending Colour. Don’t take
off an unexpected the piss.
hangover, feeling ANYTHING ELSE
rather dizzy. YOU'RE ITCHING
WHAT’S YOUR TO TELL US?
FAVOURITE Alt Girl Katt W is
ALBUM EVER? my flatmate.

@ N ISSUC 165 FRON1 ISSUE 165 O

 FULL
FRONTAL

OCEANS ATE ALASKA.

VALENTINE19, BtmOH
19, swimn

WHAT'S YOUR FAVOURITE

ALBUM EVER? At the moment
I'd say Clear Hearts, Grey
Flowers by Jack Off Jill. I got to
interview the frontwoman for
SuperSuper magazine a couple
of months ago.
YOUR FIRST EVER GIG?
Oh Jesus, I got free tickets to
see Lemar when I was about
11. Met him and everything...
GOT ANY SECRET PASSIONS? IZABELLA
21, Lomu
I love ice-skating. When I was
little, I just wanted to be a
figure skater.
WHAT'S YOUR BOOZE OF
CHOICE? Jack Daniels or Moet.

OCEANS
ATE
KATIE JANE
ALASKA 19, KM

INTO THE DEEP

BBSJO
NEW SINGLE
'l,THE CREATOR'
AVAILABLE 12/03
SINGLE + VIDEO
'TO CATCH A FLAME'
AVAILABLE 02/04
LONG AWAITED 20, OXfOrnHW

DEBUT EP
OUT 16/04 •END
AVAILABLE
FROM ViTunes rOUR P/cs
FOR FANS OF: ASKING ALEXANDRIA, BMTH
a t9'rl@frontarrny co L-
A DAY TO REMEMBER, ARCHITECTS °PP‘y online at
fr^tarmy.COm?
www.intothedeep.co.uk LIKE US AT:
WWW.FACEBOOK.COM/OCEANSATEALASKA | model

j FRCNHSSU^I6S0
 FRONTAL

A-UST PLAYLIST

FOUND ON: Fear of a Black

Planei^O)
"I used to listen
S HpPVH FOUND ON: Meddle (1971)
"This was one of
I those albums that was
FOUND ON: Super Original
Golden Movement (1999)
"Golden were
to Public Enemy in Junior on constant repeat in my totally like Battles. They
High. I was like, 'Wow house. My brother was 7 * were one of the first
that shit is fucking crazy!’ cos they were always playing it and whenever he rock bands to delve into using African
swearing their asses off. It was right after wasn't around I'd sneak into his room rhythms and stuff like that. It was
the L.A riots - it was angry, but wasn’t and totally crank Fearless. I’m a huge ahead of its time and I don’t know if
finger-pointy. It was straight up.” fan of early Pink Floyd in the whole people were ready for that yet. There was
psychedelic movement.” something playful about it and didn't
take itself too seriously, which made it
all that much better.”

FOUND ON: Songs In the

Key of Life (1976) FOUND ON:
f ‘T remember my Bitches Brew (1970)
parents constantly playing "When Battles
it, it’s always been around. ^ T*** was first starting off I was
I have three copies on vinyl, I have it on \# listening to Miles Davis.
CD, on my iPod, on my computer and on Bitches Brew is one of those albums
DRUMMER JOHN STANIER AND BASSIST DAVE KONOPKA TALK my phone. I hardly ever listen to it, but that’s flawless. It was the beginning of
US THROUGH THE TRACKS THAT MADE THEM... when I do it’s very meaningful. I won’t
listen to it if I’m doing an iPod power
when things were getting way more
organic and less jazzy, and that’s where
walk cos it has too much significance." he goes off the deep end actually.”

| FOUND ON: fOUND ON:Beaches FOUND ON:

Permanent Waves (1980) mgy* And Canyons (2002) Age of Ouarell (1986) FOUND ON: ■ FOUND ON: Immer (2002)
MKjjP “This is kind "They’re totally "It was the first Spiderland (1991) “There’s been
of predictable fora ^^B^^PB bizarre. This came out scary hardcore record I “The same guys Mjuuynikfl three Immers over the
^ drummer but I'd be lying of that early New York bought. It was the first who taught me how to years, but they all consist
if I didn’t admit that I wouldn’t be movement that Animal Collective urban New York hardcore record, back play guitar introduced me of little gems. Michael USTEN TO THIS FRONT
playing if it wasn't for them. They’re my came from. Their way of making when New York was a terrifying place. It’s to Slint in art school. It was the epitome Mayer makes complex records and this
main influence. At this point they’re music is really refreshing. It's not just about dudes that were on the street, so it’s of a groundbreaking album in the whole still sounds as good as its day. It was just SPOTIFY PLAYLIST
this weird entity that won't go away, your traditional standing there with a very real, no posing. I was like, ‘Wow, this American post-rock genre and a lot of the right place at the right time. Minimal Listen to Battles' mixtape on Spotify
like a safety blanket that is always guitar, the sounds they get are amazing, is the real deal’. They’re messing around bands started replicating their style. was just starting to explode and take and download this exclusive artwork at
there. It’ll be super strange when they This album was them pushing it a bit with Hare Krishna and consciousness They broke up after this album so there’s over everything. It's kind of soulful in a frontarmy.com/mixtape
finally break up." further, almost like sound collage way." and it’s a very eye-opening record.” this mysticism around it" strange way. It’s timeless.’’

HfONl ISSUE 165

 FULL
FRONTAL
SECRET LANGUAGE
WHAT HE SAYS: I find that it WHAT SHE SAYS: I’ve met some
helps to be honest when you're lovely men while I’ve been online

ONLINE
writing your online dating profile. dating, but I’m still hunting for
Any woman that you meet will Mr. Right. Although there have
quickly find out if you haven't been been one or two that I thought
telling the truth. were potential marriage material.
WHAT HE MEANS: My profile WHAT SHE MEANS: Not the
says that I am an ambulance driver one who wore the Bluetooth
with a bionic arm that I got after headset and did a running
serving in the secret ‘Gulf War 1.5’ commentary of the date for his
that happened in 2004 and was THEY'RE LOOKING FOR LOVE WITH A KEYBOARD AND MOUSE BUT WHAT'S REALLY GOING ON IN THEIR HEADS AND HEARTS? mum over the phone. And not
kept secret by everyone involved. ILLUSTRATION: JAMES CAllAHAN the one who brought a steering
But I was the man who killed wheel from the car his first wife
Saddam Hussein back was killed in. I'm still undecided
then in a naked knife about the one who said he’d like
fight outside a tattoo to fatten me up and get me in
parlour in Baghdad. some specialist pom mags.
The one who was WHAT HE SAYS: WHAT SHE SAYS: hal
around after then was Online dating is lots of Choose the right photo for WHAT SHE SAYS: There's
a stunt double installed fun. If I don’t meet the right girl. your dating profile. After all, \ nothing weird about online
by the CIA. And I’ve got a I'll just keep trying. After all, there’s first impressions count. dating. You’re introduced to a
great sense of humour. someone for everyone out there. WHAT SHE MEANS: wider range of people than if you
WHAT HE MEANS: There are 1,063 pictures of me on £, were on a night out
WHAT HE SAYS: If I still haven’t got my leg over by the my Facebook page, yet the three I’ve 4 WHAT SHE MEANS: loads of
There's nothing weird about end of the year, the £130 I'm spending chosen for my dating profile all make the blokes on these sites post
online dating. It’s a modem, each month on dating sites will me look like I'm having a stroke while profile photos of themselves
interesting way to meet new be getting spent on the shivering in the middle of a Vicky Pollard with their shirts off, and loads
people and form meaningful, Lithuanian girls who work i fancy dress contest. Having said of them send you unsolicited
lasting relationships. The days on the local industrial \ that, they're still clearly pictures of their cocks -
of trying to meet people estate at night. \ the best ones. which I REALLY LIKE.
in bars and clubs are
long gone.
WHAT HE
MEANS: Online
is the safest place
for me. The last
time I chatted a
woman up in real
life, there was a bit of
a misunderstanding.
I had a wardrobe
malfunction with
the all-in-one velcro
bodysuit I was
wearing and may have
ended up being tasered
outside a Burger King.

WHAT HE SAYS: I don’t

think my expectations are WHAT HE SAYS: WHAT SHE SAYS:
too high - what I’m looking I’ve met a few nice women since Someone told me that the more
for in a woman is someone I started the online dating game, care you take over writing your
who is quite good-looking, but none of them have been quite personal description, the more
makes me laugh from time suitable for me just yet. interest you’ll get from the right WHAT SHE SAYS: There’s no
to time, picks me up when I’m WHAT HE MEANS: kind of men. That is so true. rush to find my perfect man.
feeling down and doesn't mind I’ve been out on first dates WHAT SHE MEANS: I'm quite happy to go on lots of
putting up with me when I get with 72 women. One of them “Hi - here’s what I’m NOT looking dates - it’s lovely to meet so many
a bit grumpy. carried a housebrick around for. Cheaters, haters, married men, different, interesting people.
WHAT HE MEANS: She’s got to in her handbag and told me it bald men, fat men, blokes who WHAT SHE MEANS: Some
look like a model, have massive was made from her dad's ashes. don't have their own car or who nights I can’t sleep for the sound
knockers, be a good cook and half- Another one was deaf and live with their mums, vegetarians of my biological clock ticking. If I
decent at gardening, drive fast, brought along a signer so that and losers. If you don’t earn more haven’t got a baby inside me by
take her drink like a bloke, laugh she could understand what I was than £30K and don’t have got your the time I’m 37 and a half, I’ll be
at all my jokes but shut the fuck up saying. Another one had just had own house, don’t bother getting in taking the first bloke I meet from
when the football’s on, and be able a lump removed from her neck touch cos I WILL block you. I love one of these sites, tranquilising
to deep throat me AND keep me on and had to go to the toilet and staying in, going out and going I him and draining his balls
the brink for a couple of hours. No change her blood-soaked dressing on holiday. If you can’t make me while he’s out cold. Then it'll
divorcees - I’m not stirring some every twelve minutes. There’ve laugh, we ain’t going to be suitable be me, the turkey baster and
other geezer’s porridge. been no second dates so far. for each other LOL! Xxxxxx” the Mothercare catalogue.

©HION ISSUE 165 UfONl ISSUE 165 ©

 FULL
FRONTAL

INSTANT EXPERT

RUN UP A WALL

SPOT YOUR LANDING

Get yourself a wall. They usually grow Plant your least favourite/less strong/more Once you’re laying back like a pimp,
out of streets and next to roads, and crapper foot up the wall first to start your spring off with the better foot, driving
sometimes have pretty girls getting climb. Try and get as far up the bricky bastard your body back round so you’re doing a
undressed on the other side of them so as possible, then plant your stronger foot flip. Don’t sissy out, else your face will end
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land, then feel your electric powers
tickle the undergarms of every

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be changing your bedsheets A
for years, you sexy fuck,

O FRONI ISSUE 165

 FULL
42 HISTORY IS AWESOME
FRONTAL

THATCHER
LEADS THE TORIES
WHEN: / / FEBRUARY 1975 WHERE: THE BLOUSES OF BRAUAMENT, LONDON
A
HAIL SATAN! WILL YOU
FIX IT FOR ME TO BE
TORY LEADER/ PLEASE?
;

- - n
m OF COURSE - BUT
FOR A PRICE...
'TlvV
:T?

«
'■
.*

1974: A YOUNG MAGGIE THATCHER YEARNS TO UNDETERRED, MAGGIE CALLS FORTH SATAN BY
ACHIEVE THE IMPOSSIBLE AND BECOME BRITAIN'S SACRIFICING A MOUSE IN THE CENTRE OF A
FIRST BETITTED PRIME MINISTER. MENSTRUAL-BLOOD PENTAGRAM.

IN STORES MARCH 19TH

CO/lP/DlGITAl
TMF 10N6 AWAITFO PROPER TULL 1FNGTH
f ACfBOOK COW/5MARKSUK

ILLUSTRATION: DISTANTGEESE COM

IN STORES 2.20.12
CD/LP/DIGITAL
FACEBOOK.COM/CHEAPGIRLSMUSIC
SATAN KEEPS HIS WORD: IN 1975, MAGGIE BUT BEFORE LONG, SATAN CALLS IN HIS FAVOUR -
BECOMES LEADER OF THE CONSERVATIVE PARTY; BY AND MAGGIE IS FORCED TO BRING HIS SCALY SPAWN
1979, SHE IS PRIME MINISTER. INTO THE WORLD!

H?0N1 ISSUE 165 ©

 FULL
FRONTAL

INSTA-SIM
Here are some shots from my
bad-ass Instagram, on which I’m
called @simwise.

HIT PISS FUCK CU

fcOCKSUCKER

pest/Mdune ofc tnectf all itune

Sometimes a mere picture can make
you reevaluate your life.

mr

■Mi _

caK$i/Ut/eze you fid tktfite extoupadei

Here is me just about to do disappear up my arse. All I

a magic trick [left] where need is a pen and ten OXO
I make a fire extinguisher cubes and SHAZAM!

we
throats so you were alt like, ^Ahh, cute dog” i bjg boy there. He was taking me on a
and then they sucked ydlir blood anc it kept getting his willy out. Turns out

ON MAD you. For some reason. Gaga decided to put on

a musical in the back of a white van while
is a serial killer. Then I was in PortaL”
(yeah, next time you see me out in the

DREAMS
RECENTLY, I HAVE been doing a lot of
driving around London and she forced all
the dancers to wear purple spandex and
dance around singing while she threw the
killer dogs at them - effectively murdering
street or on the interwebs, ask me about my
dreams. Or don’t.

dreaming. It’s almost got to the point where some of them - and then we all went back
HAVANA'S
PHOTOGRAPHY: GLEN COCO ASSISTANT: ELIZA MOORE

my dreams are so weird, I’m thinking of for a sex party at her caravan, and Justin
HAIR & MAKEUP: BECKY RULE STYLING: SOFI DONUTS

getting someone to draw them for posterity. Bieber was there trying to have sex with a
NEW ALBUM
It’s not what
I think the scariest dream I ever had was girl but he couldn’t get it up because he’d
I thought it
when I had to chop off a zombie’s head with had too many drugs and he was a lesbian.
was and I like it.
a bread knife. I’ve also had a lot of dreams So yeah, that was my dream I find the
THE EXCITING LIFE OF A MODEL about celebrities, which is weird as I don’t best way to remember dreams is if you write FORTNUM &
even like them. There was one where I was them down really quickly as soon as you BEJJY DRAPER
She is my ultimate
MASON'S.
best mates with Lady Gaga but she lived in wake up. If you leave them for a few months It’s so fucking posh
a shitty caravan in East London with all her and then read them later, it is the best way crazy housewife
that it makes me
gay dancers. We were part of some of convincing yourself you are utterly bat- hero. I love her.
want to poo all over
graffiti outfit that painted over insane. Here are my notes from another the floor.
DON DRAPER.
helmed by Mick Jagger. (We were “Dad was doing the soldier boy dance
debating the size of Mick’s penis.) covered in poo and I was working in a
Gaga's flat/caravan was rife with strict shop where they kept accusing
pugs which had tentacles coming of stealing giant 50p coins. There
 FULL
FRONTAL
THIS MONTH'S HIGHS AND LOWS

COMPOUND SWEARING MUMS' TECH CONFUSIONS

There’s something incredibly "If I MP3 an e-mail through the
satisfying about using nonsensically YouTubes will it Google onto my
rude phrases like, "Don't be such a mobile telephone’s Twitter-drive?”
fuck-ass piss-shit, dickhead”.

DRINKING ON
TRAINS
“Ooh, it’s a 40-minute journey. I’d better
buy six cans of Becks.”

BEING ABLE TO PLAY

INCREDIBLY BASIC TUNES
ON ANY INSTRUMENT CROSSING ROADS NOT
Next time some dick produces an ON CROSSINGS
acoustic guitar at a party, nick it If the timing’s right anyway - you
and play Year 3000 by Busted really feel like traffic's organised itself
badly. It's fucking shit, everyone'll around you. If not, you end up
hate you, and it’ll be amazing. scrambling to the other side, crying.

IMPRESSIVELY-SHAPED
PEOPLE DOING REPLY ALL
CONTRIBUTING NOTHING
, PINT GLASSES
On pint one, you’re impressed by the ornate MAKING CHILDUKE
When someone’s been enough of a glass. Then they give you the next in a ERRORS
shit to send an e-mail with 45 people normal glass and you’re hideously upset. You’re a reasonably intelligent
CC-ed in, the last thing you want is individual. But you’ve put your pants
shit-heels clicking Reply All and shit- on inside out, you thick piece of shit.
tons of messages saying, "Yes".

RELEASED MONDAY 6th FEBRUARY ON CD AND DOWNLOAD

' FEATURES THE SINGLES 'LEARN MY LESSON' & 'BONES'
SEEING YOURSELF WIPE
PRE-ORDER EXCLUSIVE ALBUM BUNDLES FROM WWW.WEAREYOUNGGUNS.COM
YOUR ARSE
Catch the band on their BARE BONES CLUB TOUR 15.02.12 - BATH, Moles
across the UK and Eire in February 1 7.02.1 2 - DUBLIN, Academy 2 (Matinee Show) IN A MIRROR
18.02.12 - BELFAST, Speakeasy (Matinee Show) It’s... it’s just upsetting. Nobody needs to
02 02.12 - HIGH WYCOMBE, Bucks University ACCIDENTALLY SOUNDING see themselves in that way.
03.02.12 - LEEDS, The Well LIKE YOU'RE RAPPING
On tour with ENTER SHIKARI in March
04.02.12 - LIVERPOOL, Liverpool University, Stanley Theatre Inadvertently saying a bunch of
1 7.03.12 - EDINBURGH, Corn Exchange stuff that rhymes makes you sound

BAD SHIT
06.02.12 - GLASGOW, King Tuts
1 8.03.12 - HULL, University like either the world's shittest
07.02.12 - SHEFFIELD, Corporation 2 19.03 12 - MANCHESTER, Apollo HAT HAIR
freestyler or a bit of a special. “Hey,
08 02.12 - MANCHESTER, Deaf Institute 20 03 12 - WOLVERHAMPTON, Civic Ninety minutes wearing a hat and
give me a shout if you’re out and
09.02.12 - NOTTINGHAM, Rescue Rooms 22.03.12 - PLYMOUTH, Pavillion that’s it, your head’s fucked for the
about”. No, you sound like a dick.
23.Q3.1 2 - LONDON, Hammersmith Apollo day. Sometimes it gets so bad it hurts.
11 .02.12 - BRIGHTON, The Haunt
:*■ \ 12-.02.12— K4NOSTQN, SOLD OUT VQUNGGUNSUK TUmBLR.COM
. „ 13.02.12 - PONTYPRIDD, Muni Arts Centre TWITTER COM, YO.U.NGGUNSUK
ILLUSTRATIONS: JACK TEAGIE
WON' ISSUE 165 Q
..y i
. 14.02.12 - SALTASH, Livowiro FACEBOOK COM/YOUNGGUNSUK
 You’ve survived 2012 so far!
Wellfuddngdone. You’ve probably
already broken all of your resolutions,
so why not make one that you can
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 LESSONS FROM
SKATE SCREW-UPS

TEACHES:
take drugs, dude,
athletes that cross the
finish line first kinda are winners,
but they also compare their ’raided
dick muscles with other men in
locker rooms and inevitably have
their gold medals ripped from their
necks. Same goes for skating, and
in particular, Z-Boy posterboy Jay
Adams. While grafting team mates
Tony Alva and Stacy Peralta worked
their way into skate superstardom,
Adams - everyone’s real fave - flicked
a middle finger in their direction and
JAY ADAMS descended into a smelly swamp of
crystal-meth addiction and murder
charges. Aren’t you pleased skate
screw-ups did the junkie hell thing
so you don’t have to?

YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT

DorT RE MURDERING PEOPLE

SKATEBOARDING TEACHES : If ever inevitable decline into obscurity
there's a lesson on where to draw the and supermarket-trolley-collecting
line, you need only heed the gruesome like most past-their-peak athletes.
story of Vision Street Wear’s Mark Instead, Gator went completely
‘Gator’ Rogowski. By the end of the bonkers, murdering his girlfriend's
'80s Gator had one of the best-selling, best friend, stuffing her body in a
most iconic board graphics of all surfboard bag, and burying it. He
time and was enjoying fame and could’ve been telling war stories
fortune beyond the imaginations to wide-eyed skate kids; instead,
of most rockstars. Where do you he's stuck inside the California
go from there? Well, the voice of Men’s Colony in San Luis Obispo,
reason might tell you to accept the not eligible for parole until 2018.

YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU:

DISTRIBUTION, SKATE ONE, PATRICK O DEU, JOE HAMMEKE, GETTY, WENN

ALWAYS SAY YOUR PRAYERS
PICTURES: JIM GOODRICH, GRANT BRITTAIN, TOBY CAUGHRON. ONE

BEFORE RED
SKATEBOARDING TEACHES: you know, use this stuff for
At times when the hospital can’t good”. We’re not entirely sure
provide a decent crutch, an increasing which chapter of the Bible
WORDS: CHRIS WARSOP
number of skateboarders turn to features commandments
religion for support. Big names like such as, “Thou shalt get ‘God’
Rodney Mullen, Jamie Thomas, tattooed on thine neck and
Salman Agah and Paul ‘P-Rod’ knuckles"; "Thou shalt flip-out
A selection of tlie^most
Rodriguez have all been shepherded on mushrooms and preach
skateboarding screw-ups can teach you from the valley of darkness and, hysterical nude sermons from
frankly, seem better off for it. If further thine rooftop"; and “Thou
julated proof of the good Lord’s influence be shalt get stoned and scream,
hen parents bang on about positive s^nd thek d7Sf^nlnt off nlanks^f wood. by professional bad undes. many of whom required then we need only look at Tm the son of God’ while
role-models, they probably don’t storey car partefaUi are spectacular fuck-ups that can t handle Jereme Rogers, a high-school dropout smashing up paintings,
- - include socially-retarded adutewho Butwtatd^ ‘^^^^bestlife their newfound fame and fly spectacularly who attributes his skateboarding totally naked, in a posh
dress like vagrants, guzzle supermarket Every y° -—u^a off thp rails... skills to God: "He strategically placed Manhattan hotel". In Jereme
knowledge from your rollie-smoking bad
plonk straight from the carrier bag and me here so I could put out a message, 4:20, perhaps?

RODNEY MULLEN
 LESSONS FROM
SKATE SCREW-UPS

DANNY WAY

SKATEBOARDING TEACHES: the height of their careers after

Ryan Dunn's high-speed crash being paralysed from the waist
and Shane Cross’s drink-driving and neck down. Both have since DUANE PETERS
death (on the back of Ali Boulala’s made ‘miraculous’ recoveries,
motorcycle) were two tragic, high- Danny Way even claiming three
profile reminders that nobody is post-paralysis World Records -
invincible. But as a heartwarming including a landspeed record on a
footnote to this lesson, it is worth skateboard - after paying a visit to
remembering that John Cardiel a witch doctor. Superman didn't
and Danny Way were written bag a landspeed record after he
off by conventional medicine at fell off that horse. Just sayin’.

SKATEBOARDING TEACHES:When
you grow up idolising dirtbags with
YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU
obscure countercultural micro¬
references inked on every available
inch of their bodies - not to mention
some of the world's coolest illustrative
work for their board graphics - you
tend to know your shit about art.
Needless to say, by the time you brave
SKATEBOARDING TEACHES: the needle yourself, that ganja leaf
Achieving TV superstardom is, surrounded by emo stars all your
for most hopefuls, a journey that friends pick off the wall simply isn’t
involves tickling many a seedy an option. Having said that, a Jim
-".£500/7 director’s ballbag. But don’t let your Phillips screaming hand tongue
silver-screen dreams shatter just yet. kissing a Bones ripper skeleton while
Take Jackass idiot Brandon Novak, a gang of Vallely farmyard ducks
a high-flying young Powell-Peralta stand round circle jerking will make
hopeful who crashed into gruesome you look like a try-hard A-grade prat.
skag addiction, hit rock-bottom Take a cue from 50-year-old gnarled
when Powell dropped him, then shredder Duane Peters and 23-year-
dramatically whooshed himself old unhinged Deathwish madman
through rehabilitation to become a Antwuan Dixon, who, with a buttload
big-time telly personality. His story of face and head tattoos, won’t exactly
should probably come with a health be getting a job in their local branches
warning, but far, faaar worse things of Lloyds TSB anytime soon. A life of
BRANDON NOVAK have been done to break the big time killer skating it is, then!
ANTWUAN DIXON

HOMI ISSUE 165 FKON1 ISSUE 165

 LESSONS FROM
YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU! SKATE SCREW-UPS

WHEN 01 DOOR
(LOSES, MOTHER
0l! OPENS
SKATEBOARDING TEACHES:Inthe
SKATEBOARDING TEACHES:
Football fans would look like
cunts if they went down the pub
late '80s Christian 'Christ' Hosoi was wearing full kit, clattering about
the cockiest and most flamboyant in studded boots and spilling
CHRISTIAN HOSOI of all the celebrity vert posterboys. their pints through goalie-gloved
Peacocking around in atrocious hands. Instead they opt for the
day-glo getups, the tanned, toned safe route: team shirts with
Adonis was loved by skate betties and ‘Smithy 69' on the back and
revered by ramp dudes alike. Then Beckham quiffs on top. Skaters,
street skating became the new thing meanwhile, don’t just copy, but
and Hosoi's little legs couldn't keep frequently outdo the ridiculous
up. Rather than bow out of the public sartorial pioneering of their idols:
eye gracefully, Hosoi threw it all away XXXL reflective Chad Muska
in a crackpot scheme to smuggle shellsuits, Afghan coats and CHAD MUSKA
crystal-meth into Honolulu airport, trailing leopard print bandanas
reportedly in a happenin' neon of Ali Boulala... and somehow
bumbag. Skateboarding's fallen angel managed to get away with it.
rose again four years into a ten-year
prison stretch, having now found
God. Continuing in his calling as an YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU:
inappropriate role model for children,
Hosoi is now a Pastor on the Christian
Youth Television Network. TAKE A JOKE
LIKE A MAN
SKATEBOARDING TEACHES:
So you’ve got the hump
because your mates drew
a jizzing cock on your face
when you passed out last
night. Big deal, you baby! Be
a real man, just like when
elusive graf artist Neck Face
set Baker’s Kevin ‘Spanky*
Long on fire while they were
smashed good and proper. No
tear did roll down his crispy,
scabbed, burnt face. What's a
few third-degree bums and
several months of skin graft
operations between friends?

KEVIN ' SPANKY' LONG

YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU

YOUR MOTHER TAUGHT YOU:

FIND YOURSELF A NICE YOUNG

LADYFRIEND
SKATEBOARDING TEACHES: up harder than you. Perhaps
SKATEBOARDING TEACHES: In spite of the ridiculous clothes,
antisocial attitude and weird music taste that probably get you
picked on in the first place, skate screw-ups at least teach you
While undeniably still a sausage consider dropping that Jonny-Big- how to back it all up with fists. Fuck knows why four drunk-
party, skateboarding at least Balls attitude as you fanny around ass frat boys decided to tell hulking, part-time-pro wrestler
introduces you to a ragtag sorority on the curb, while down the road Mike V that “skating is for pussies” at 2001’s CKY 3. They
of bad-girl heroines like Elissa the girls are kickflipping insane probably won’t be doing that ^_
Steamer, Jamie Reyes and Lizzie double sets. Just keep yourself again, as Mike served all four a
Armanto who rip, slam, fight, ink dressed up nice to convince them platter of fist sandwiches after *
and, most importantly, get fucked to date your stinking arse, yeah? dramatically ripping his own
tee off in true Hulk Hogan style. ,

0 HOSI ISSUE 165

 mm

1 gpur
Arguably better known than the
wears the helmet, he gets off with
Judge Hershey (which in the comic
he’s totally not allowed to do) and
Rob Schneider keeps showing up
being all fucking Rob Schneidery.
changing anything, delivering a two-
fingered salute to the passage of time.

4Bar**
comic itself is its main star, leather- On 21 September this year, a new 2000AD has always been
suited, permanently-behelmeted movie called Dredd is coming out, fronted by Tharg The Mighty, a
Judge Dredd, tough-ass motherfucker with Karl Urban (out of Doom) green-skinned alien from Betelgeuse
and saviour of the streets of Mega- keeping his damn helmet on. It’s who refers to humans as "Earthlets"
Gty One. His catchphrase ("I am the been written by Alex Garland and speaks in a dementedly
law") and iconography are huge, and (of The Beach and 28 Days Later wordy manner. “It seems slightly
impressively, his story has happened fame), and Dredd’s anachronistic now to have a green
in real time - it’s been permanently co-creator John alien as the face of 2000AD, but I
122 years ahead of the Earth year, Wagner has think the readers would be up in
so he and his supporting cast have visited the set arms if we got rid of him,” says editor
aged appropriately. Sort of. “It’s a and says it should Matt Smith. "He’s good fun to
debatable point exactly how old he is be ace. hide behind-if any |
now, but he's in his 60s at least,” says readers ask awkward
editor Matt Smith. “Where it becomes questions you can
a grey area is that Mega-City One has just have Tharg come
face-change and rejuve facilities, so out with spiel about
you never know, he may have had a Something that often dates sci-fi how everything’s
bit of help. He’s certainly as sprightly is when real life goes past the going to plan.” Tharg
as he ever was". far-off date it’s set in (even in also starred in his
Terminator 2, Judgement Day was own series of photo¬
GOING in 1997). When the comic started stories, which perhaps
in February 1977, the year 2000 haven’t dated as well
Til OD seemed impossibly futuristic, but as everything else (they
The 1995 Sylvester Stallone Judge it’s ended up going on long past starred a dude in a
Dredd movie is appalling - he barely that date without pretty bad suit).

AFTER 35 Yl \ND NEARLY 1,800 ISSUES OF AWESOME,

FRONT TAI LOOK AT BRITAIN'S BEST SCI-FI COMIC...
 LEnjiiSi
The comics industry is
almost totally dominated by U.S.
companies - DC, Marvel, Image, Dark
Horse, IDW... But 2000AD is part of
Rebellion, a British company run by
two brothers who grew up reading it
While talent tends to end up where
the money is on the other side of the
Atlantic, the open submissions policy

« (which bugger-all U.S companies

have) means it’s still the first place
most up-and-comers get published.

O While Judge Dredd remains the best-

known character, a lot of 2000AD’s other
stories have become firm fan favourites™

SLAINE
A Celtic barbarian who battles
everyone from demons to
aliens to real-life historical
figures, Slaine is like a multi-
weaponed Irish Conan.

He followed Johnny Alpha, a

mutant bounty hunter in a
post-apocalyptic world (yeah,
fun). He was killed off in the
'80s but he’s back now.

NEMESIS THE WARLOCK

Created by the fiercely left-
wing Pat Mills, Nemesis is a
fire-breathing demonic alien
anti-hero who does battle with
the KKK-looking Torquemada.

(Sandman) have all done them, and

20MB0 those bastards are RHIICH.
A newer creation, Zombo
debuted in 2008 and is a « One of 2000AD’s acest features
human-zombie hybrid, top- is the Future Shocks - self-contained
secret government project and one-off stories that usually end
wannabe pop star all in one. on a mind-twatting twist. They’re The world of comics would be a
like the most economical pieces of much more barren place without the
storytelling ever, like mini episodes writers and artists that have come
ROGUE TROOPER of The Twilight Zone. Mega-bearded through 2000AD's pages. As well as
A blue-skinned genetically- comics supremo Alan Moore (creator everyone already named, there’s Alan
, _ engineered soldier of Watchmen and V For Vendetta) did Davis (X-Men), Alan Grant (Batman),
4 , in a war-tom future 50 or so, and basically, if you name Simon Bisley (Lobo), Peter Milligan
planet, co-created a big-shot British comics creator, (Unwritten), Steve Dillon (Preacher),
by Watchmen artist that motherfucker started off doing Andy Diggle (The Losers), Kevin
Dave Gibbons. Future Shocks. O’Neill (League Of Extraordinary
W He’s potentially Grant Morrison mL ~ Gentlemen), Rufus Dayglo (Tank
■rm ji set to become a (The Filth), Mark y % Girl)... tons of 'em. “Going to seek
f 1 movie with Sam Millar (Kick-Ass), ' , work in America, having worked for
Worthington from Garth Ennis 2000AD is seen as something of an
happy valentines (0/u lonely Sucks llW/// Avatar in it. (Preacher,) and _ Al * academy to have earned your chops
NeilGaiman ALAN at,” says Matt Smith.
moou "
S^UWJHOCKJ
FRONl ISSUE 165
 FEATURE
2000AD

■ The better strips in

Before 1977, there was fuck all. There 2000AD have always been the ones
was no 2000AD, no Star Wars and no Held up as one of the greatest comics that worked on two levels, as weird
punk - they all came about within stories ever written, Alan Moore and futurey space things but also as social
a very short time of one another. Ian Gibson's 'feminist sci-fi _ commentary hidden under the sci-fi
2000AD arguably has a foot in both space opera’ was unusual at m umbrella. There were references to
camps - it's got the big sweeping the time, when everything racism and fascism in Nemesis The
space epicness of Star Wars and else was basically big dudes Warlock, and a story in Strontium
the leather-dad fucker-uppers and with guns. Halo’s story (which V Dogs bore similarity to the Troubles
pissed-off dystopias of punk. “There's is perfedly acceptable to get in Northern Ireland. "British action
definitely always been a punk, something in your eye after comics had run into trouble with
anti-authoritarian feel to 2000AD, reading) was meant to go on censors due to violence, so the
kicking against the establishment," much longer, but disputes over ^ publishers decided to bring out a
says editor Matt Smith. “Judge Dredd copyright led to Alan Moore science-fiction title that was similar
became quite the punk icon, which refusing to continue after 1986. in terms of grittiness, but rather than
is strange for such an authoritarian He and Gibson still get asked it being football hooligans being
figure, but that scene really about Halo’s fate, cos the way it ■ killed, it was robots and aliens," says
responded to his look." ended was fucking gutting. Smith. “An eight-year-old can enjoy
the explosions and gunfights.but for
an older reader there’s a lot going on”.
2000ad

Everything in 2000AD is pretty

out-there, but some of the ideas in
it have been extra-mega crackers. FOR SAOOftW.
13 Mm
Anthrax sell Dredd t-shirts and wrote
There was a strip called Flesh about a song called I Am The Law. Lemmy
time-travelling cowboys hunting from Motorhead appeared
Q
at
dinosaurs for their meat. In 1993, in ads and everyone from
=1
<
for eight weeks, the comic became Run-D.M.C. to the Beastie
the most upsetting thing on shelves Boys have announced A
< UJ

z§ in a move known as the Summer themselves fans. Simon rj

Oz Offensive. It featured Saddam Pegg and Edgar Wright
2o
l-i Cj
oCj H
Hussein trying to turn the world gay, filled Spaced with art
*8 a threesome with Princess Diana and from the comic, and
5"
cn < Fergie, and a battle between disabled Pegg's character Tim Bisley
£5■ children and Hitler. There was also (himself named after 2000AD
LU
oa once a doomed attempt to jump on artist Simon Bisley) is said to have
5
>>
— UJ the popularity of the Spice Girls with cried at the death of Strontium
—i
-1 LU
to

< cm - wait for it - the Space Girls. Dog character Johnny Alpha.

FRON1 ISSUE 165 Q

 cordially invites you to a

Not only have we

brought the sexiest
underwear and
killerest metal and
rap-hop tees together
for your viewing
pleasure - we've also
Diomnnii Beanie; ovisivmmmui

unveiled Danielle,
a girl so hot you'll
receive burnt fingertips
from these next 14 pages...
STYLING: SOFI DONUTS HAIR A MAKEUP: BECKV RIJIE
 *•

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COVER GIRL
DANIELLE %

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HEY DANIELLE, IT’S A BLOODY
•
V—
PLEASURE TO MEET YOU. HOW WAS
YOUR FIRST FRONT SHOOT? WE’RE
SCARY TO WORK WITH, RIGHT?
No way! The shoot was really fun. I
was a bit shy at the start of the day
but I had a really good time. I really
love that white Bolt Thrower T-shirt
now, though. Can I keep it?
YEAH, ABOUT THAT. THE BLOKE
WHO ALL THESE T-SHIRTS BELONG
TO IS PRETTY PISSED-OFF ABOUT
YOU RAIDING HIS WARDROBE...
What? Who is he?
HIM AND HIS EXTREME METAL
Vintage Ttv. bey^niktOt%Ctm

BAND BLACK FOREST GATEAUX

ARE MOW WEARING THEIR MUM’S
CLOTHES ON STAGE TONIGHT.
Shit, I’m really sorry about that, I
guess. What's wrong with his mum’s C3

l FRO issue 165 Ff»CMI ISSUE 165©

 ^1

live with three

dubstep
boys in my student house

me //

clothes, though? He could just rip

them up a bit. I'll offer do to it for
him if he likes.
NAH, WE’RE ONLY MESSING.
MAYBE. SO YOU'RE A BIT OF A DAB
HAND AT CUSTOMISING T-SHIRTS
AND CLOTHES, THEN?
Yeah, I buy loads of my clothes from
charity shops and do them up. I'm
really good at pulling out proper
bargains and making them look
super expensive. I like wearing stuff
that I know is unique to me.
SO IF WE TOLD YOU TO MAKE US A
METAL TEE OF YOUR OWN DESIGN,
WHAT WOULD YOU WHIP UP?

{fatiy&if.a V7i NE'ckba*. >thrrirnicnn*rMrri:oiiik

I'd love to do that. I’d most likely
make it a bit trippy and a bit mad.
Some massive graphic in the middle
would be a must. How does a kitten
riding a burning unicycle sound?
LIKE THE BEST THING EVER. SO,
WE HEAR YOU USED TO LOVE YOUR
METAL AT SCHOOL?
Yeah, I did, but they were bands I
thought were cool at the time - it
was Papa Roach and all that. My

1*it
teenage self would be really proud if
she saw me in all these tees, though. US*

l-RONl ISSUE 165 O

 Pl/M ENEMy oPP&All FlAVoR. flAV ENWEP A &IZARRE R£Amy-1V RpMAN(E WfTH AMKTK PANfW K»N £RJ4flTE NlEtfEN, WHo R£fERR£p To THE 7TT[Hy (U<R-WEARa
JTFJIE PET NAME 'foofy foofy'.

WE’LL NOT HEAR A BAD WORD

AGAINST EARLY-NOUGHTHS
NU-METAL. WHAT KIND OF MUSIC
SUITS YOU BEST THESE DAYS?
I live with three dubstep-obsessed
boys in my student house in Preston.
That suits me fine. There’s always a
healthy amount of Doctor P and Flux
Pavilion on at our house parties.
They get pretty out of hand, though.
YEAH? WHAT’S BEEN THE
ROWDIEST ONE?
There’s a video of me and my friend
Jen having a noodle fight at one
of them. There was some girly
wrestling, too. That was a fucking
pain to clear up the morning after.
DO THE CONTENTS OF YOUR
FRIDGE ALWAYS GET THROWN
AROUND AT PARTIES? WHAT’S IN
THERE RIGHT NOW?
PI/RMHlST/lRP MW1M FArw No more, FRotfTMAN MIRE PATToN VJ(EP Hft TeNP°M of/ A BROKEN &oTFl€ ANP PERMANENT/ iMTAIi FEEUN4 IN Hfi IWHANP Ah, I hate to think. I know the
freezer is stacked with pizzas, but
I hardly go into the kitchen, it’s so 1®"

0IFRONI ISSUE 165 TONI ISSUE I

 COVER GIRL
DANIELLE

(°vmywM<*£Pmw fctTTHfPWEK
°NE, MTWKtt (b^EFT AlftM mm *y WoW
*MfiMM£kmm<Y SAME

Smcktnfp Ami ^usfwncWrs. AnunoiTm Rry.. (hmjjuf.a

W3N1 ISSUE 165 FRON1 ISSUE 165
 COVER GIRLS
AWWIN4 LATt To op£N F* Ai-KE (°©PEk EARl/ «N THOR. (AKER, THEN-VNWfoWN QM N' RtfES FRotfTMAN A/l RoSE WAS KfVSED ENTty ^ SECl/RfTy, F°R0N4 SiASH, Etf ANt> mmxALYSHA
PVFfTo TAKE Tl/RNS PRpVIWW STANPHN Vo(Ai-S

yj 01 u£
xx'uf-c»

gross. I live with

three boys so I can
(jfccprrs
Krackm, hruivu (fc-rwn.shim*, *yWriytcur».

just blame the mess

on them if the landlord
freaks out.
C

AGAIN, A CUNNING
MOVE. WE’RE STARTING TO
GET A BIT SUSPICIOUS OF YOU,
Kiudtrf*. /.nui u:i S*du> bip.^h\ftciw.

DANIELLE - YOU’RE A BIT OF A

NINIA TRICKSTER. SO FINALLY,
HOW ARE YOU GOING TO MAKE
2012 THE GREATEST EVER YEAR
EVER EVER?
I’m planning on just going with the
Rtllcjikii

flow this year. It’s going to be a big

one, whatever happens. FTOfT

FRONT! ISSUE 165

COVER GIRL
DANIELLE

S2V

(-RCHST ISSUE 165 HOvJl ISSUE 165

 2 DIAMONDS ARE SAY IT WITH
FOREVER^H FLOWERS
ORIGINAL ORIGINAL VERSION JiaJ.l

VERSION A s a public display of

T o demonstrate just how
much your lady means
affection, you pay for
flowers to be delivered to
to you, you spunk an your true love's
entire month’s wages on a house/place of
glittering trinket. fig 2.1 work/grave.
FOLLOW FRONT’S GUIDE TO MODERN-DAY ROMANTICAL ETIQUETTE AND YOU’LL
SOON BE UP TO YOUR BITS IN TITS EXTREME VERSION
Y ou’d have to have shit in your eyes, history's wheelie bin. Not so long ago, longer cuts it. In the age of iPads and If there's one thing ladies her jewellery, then melting
ears and brains not to have noticed your dad might’ve seduced your mum 24-hour garages with coffee shops in
enjoy even more than it down and creating one EXTREME VERSION
that recent years have seen traditional
notions of classic romance hoiked into
with a box of Milk Tray and 27 pints of
bitter, but such olden-tymey wooery no
them, ladies demand their romances
be pulse-poundingly extreme...
jewellery, it’s the knowledge
that you love them far more
mahoosive piece of mega¬
jewellery for your current
A ny poxy ponce can send a
few floppy flowers with a
wheat and com. Her house
should be so filled with
than you did your previous love. She'll squeal like a
sappy little card. To generate densely-packed, steadily-
girlfriend. Weave these two bummed pig when she sees.
some big-time romance, composting greenery that
seemingly disparate things
fig i t you'll need to break into she can barely open the
together by breaking into
your sweetheart's house front door (to which you’ve
your ex’s house, stealing all
while she’s out, then cram pinned an explanatory note
every available space with as that reads, "Just as you have

Y ou guide your giggling,

blindfolded ladyfriend out to
x bloodh much vegetation as you can
get your hands on: flowers,
shrubs, tree branches, hay,
filled my heart with joy, so
have I filled your home with
romantic foliage.’’)
a beautiful forest clearing, before FUCKWifi
removing her blindfold to reveal -
*gasp* - a candle-lit table laid out
with an intimate meal for two.
LOVE YW, fig 2.2

V-.'-i
4 SAY IT WITH SONGS
ORIGINAL VERSION EXTREME VERSION
Y ou make a mixtape for
your true love, filled
fig 4.2
G et hold of a 160GB iPod and
fill it to maximum capacity
figI with a dozen or so songs with the exact same classy
that remind you of the love song (two words: Michael
very special and delicately Buble), over and over and over
private emotions that you again. Painstakingly adjust
feel for her. the volume settings so that
each version is slightly louder
than the last. Then, stare
fig 4.1 intently into your lady’s pupils
EXTREME VERSION
W ant to spring a proper surprise
meal on your missus? Wearing
and we really do mean screeeaming
- that you're from MI5 and you
as you hold headphones tight
over her ears so that she can
enjoy all 40,000 identical and
a balaclava and waving a handgun know she’s part of an Iranian spy increasingly-cacophonous
about, grab your lady in the street network. Just as her terror and utter love ditties. Her eardrums
and bundle her into the back of a disorientation reaches a frenzied should become romantically,
van. Drive her to a remote, desolate climax, you whip off your balaclava everlastingly perforated at
fig 12 industrial estate while screaming - and give her a Twix. Surpriiise! around 32,000 listens.

© f-RON ISSUE 165 HOsfl ISSUE 165 ©

 WHISK HER AWAY figs.2
MR AND MRS
ORIGINAL VERSION
ORIGINAL VERSION
Y T he ultimate declaration of love:
ou sweep your lady up, up
and away on a surprise, all-
expenses-paid trip to tropical sun-
you get down on one knee,
produce a glittering ring, and ask
CHAT-UP
kissed climes.
your special ladyfriend if she'd
care to become your ladywife. LINES
EXTREME VERSION MAKE A KILLER FIRST
W hile your love is sleeping
peacefully, administer a
IMPRESSION WITH
THESE SEXY ZINGERS
potent general anaesthetic, then
have a loose-moralled surgeon ORIGINAL VERSION
conjoin you both at the hip like a Are you tired? Because
pair of Siamese twins. When your you’ve been running
lady awakes, she'll be delighted through my mind all
night.
to learn that you’ve been ‘joined
together' in something far more EXTREME VERSION
enduring than mere matrimony. Are you tired? Because
if not, Td like you to
And even death shall not part ye,
come back to my house
as when one of you eventually and drag me around, on
carks it, the other will have a all fours, on a dog lead,
leaden corpse to drag around with before violently spanking
fig 5.1 them as a mouldering keepsake of me until I pass out, then
bringing me round with
your eternal love.
a jet of hot piss to the
face, then beating me
EXTREME VERSION unconscious again with
T he further away the
destination, the more exotic
connecting flights,
customs officials,
fig 7.2
the heel of your stilettos.
For this service I am
prepared to pay you £170,
- and therefore romantic - it reclaimed baggage and in cash.
is. And what could be further delicious economy-class
away than going right around dining. By the time you reach ORIGINAL VERSION
the world only to return to the Delhi Airport she’ll be sobbing Is your dad a thief? Because
exact point you started? Take and howling, "Whyyy?", at which he stole the stars from the
your missus to the nearest airport point, you grab her firmly by the skies and placed them in
your eyes.
and from there, whisk her off shoulders, look deep into her eyes
on a non-stop four-day whirl of and loudly bellow, “For romance!1’. EXTREME VERSION
Is your dad a rapey
bummer? Because your
eyes are forcing their way
up my wincing arsehole
EXTREME VERSION
6 TATTOO 4 U G etting a lady’s name tattooed
isn't really all that hardcore
and it’s making me want to
shout loudly for help.

ORIGINAL VERSION
ORIGINAL VERSION of a gesture - if things go tits-up
T o demonstrate with the relationship, you can
easily cover her name up with a
Get your coat - you've
pulled!
your unwavering EXTREME VERSION
commitment to Black Flag logo (we’ve got, like, Get your coat. Now go and
the object of your seven of the fuckers). To get my coat. Now buy me a
affection, you show you mean business, drink. Now pour it over my
get her face tattooed, head. Now do a headspin
get her name
life-sized, across yours, for me. Oh yeah. Now put
tattooed about my coat on backwards.
your person. then cover your
Now put your coat on over
entire torso with my coat Now buy me
a passionately another drink. Pour it over
obsessive poem me. Mmm. Now give me
about her: “I my coat back. I’m leaving
fig 6.1
would eat her now. Don’t try and follow
me. Goodbye.
turds if she
would allow
it/I'll smash
ORIGINAL VERSION
Do you come here often?
both our heads
in with a suicide
EXTREME VERSION
Do you cumfart often?
mallet.’’ Sweet stuff
like that.

HO . ISSUE 165
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 EMERICA x JERRY HSU x ENJOI
£62, routeone.ca.uk

What more could you want board and shoe sponsors

than a trainer designed by in a beautiful, rare tri-party
both awesome shoe brands marriage that’s birthed this
Emerica and the ever-loved oh-so-joyous version of the
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teamed up with both his himself. Awesome.

HEEL BRUISE
Tees £30, Jacket £104
urbantruftisfry.cp. uk

Heel Bruise have just

released their quadruple-
nice spring collection:
wear it and you’re sure to
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But what’s a bloody nose Shirt £45, sluqqerskatestorecouk

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Williams, this shirt is also get the shirt in an
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awesome. If the colours green if you don’t think
don’t get you noticed, the black’s your colour.

ROCKWELL
Sweater £75,
rockwellcbthlna.com
Surreal Dutch canvas-
Caps £29, qufrifjytcp.axut tickler Parra and ace
Stoopidly good cap clothing brand
Rockwell bring
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you a rad jumper
stoopidly good hats. Their
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oven-fresh new collection Henley £45, Shorts £55, Vest £35, nattgrMcta.opm
toasty and stokes
is as vast and extensive Devine Calloway, not content dudes at Etnies. The spring/
your fear of high
as a massive atlas of the with beasting around summer drop includes some
heels. They've got
universe - they’ve got caps other killer products shredding up every single killer shorts, plaid short and
in pretty much every style avaible too, including piece of pavement in the U.S long-sleeve button-downs
and material you can think some bed sheets that of A, has gone and designed and an incredibly summery
of. BUY ONE! Or die. Alone. we need badly. his own collection with the pocket vest.

©f*ON ISSUE 165 HI0N1 ISSUE 165 ©

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organised ceremony. There was a
ring in the middle of the ground,
and a helicopter camera captured
the way that all the participants had
positioned themselves around it in
the shape of the Illuminati eye.
WHAAAT?
Yeah man! It was fucking crazy,
but I mean anything concerning
them doesn’t really surprise
me. This was real weird though
because it was so obvious. Wild.
WE’VE GOT A THEORY THAT
THE REASON ELVIS DOESN’T
GET ANY TELEVISION AIRTIME
IS COS HE FUCKED THE KING OF
TVS WIFE AND GOT HIM UPSET.
Yeah, that’s gotta be true. Did you
hear the theory that Banksy does all
the crop circles?
NO? WHERE’S THAT COME FROM?
I just made that up, but we should
totally try and spread it around.
DONE. SO, ARE YOU WO!
ABOUT YOUR BROTHER
IORDAN HAVING FREE
REIGN TO DRAW
WHATEVER HE WANTS
ON YOU THIS SHOOT?
Ah, knowing him
there’ll be a load C51f> I
 of dicks and balls, some Bart Simpson YOUR RECENT TOUR WITH GWAR GREAT STUFF. A WHILE BACK
and Beavis and Butt-Head. I'd love DEFINITELY HAD ITS UPS AND YOU LANDED YOURSELF IN A o 'ioo MeAP- THr T.
to see him draw Butt-Head heads all DOWNS... BIT OF SHIT WHEN YOU MADE
over our faces. Yeah, definitely. Cory [Smoot, FAKE CELEB ENDORSEMENTS ON
YOU’RE A BEAVIS AND BUTT-HEAD guitarist] obviously passed away TWITTER. WHICH CELEBRITY fefP? ^ r. ^
FAN, THEN. while we were on the road and that TOOK THE MOST OFFENCE?
Fuck yeah. That new series? I’ve seen was real rough, but those guys are It was a writer from Alternative
one episode and it was fantastic. legends for a reason. Press. He was so bummed, he felt
ANOTHER TALENTED MEMBER OF
YOUR BAND IS GUITAR MAN ANDY
YOU MUST’VE THOUGHT THAT
TOUR WOULD BE CUT SHORT
like he’d been personally lied to.
We were in a dressing room in
cc£-ci-g-£?
WILLIAMS’ ABILITY TO GROW WHEN THAT HAPPENED? Germany and bored. I don’t even
OUTSTANDING FACIAL HAIR. YOU
GOTTA BE JEALOUS OF THAT.
Of course. We’d crossed into Canada
and were about to set off on a huge
know at this point what was real
and what wasn’t.
t foST /vv4Pr TH4T •*'
I’m not really a beard dude. I try to do trek westward, but it happened just WE’VE ALSO HEARD YOU’RE
it when it’s cold but some dudes just as we got over the border. It was USING TWITTER TO MAKE A >\K^^’tyT w/& <>Mc>ul—P ~ToTAl—1_
look better with beards, like Andy. almost unfair in that we didn’t have BOOK ON TOUR STORIES FROM
He can grow that shit overnight like time to stop and mourn. We had to LOADSA DIFFERENT BANDS. \^%fu ^pfLrdP (T At-ourvP
when Homer shaves. He almost needs keep going. Jesus, there were so many. Jamey
a beard to complete his face. Seeing
him clean-shaven is just weird.
THE FIRST SHOW WITHOUT HIM
MUST’VE BEEN FUCKING SKETCHY.
Jasta from Hatebreed has some real
weird ones. They’re all really homy
iw ,v i.cJ
IT’S ALSO AN INCREDIBLY USEFUL It was very sad. They had his guitar and so weird, so they’ll
HIDING PLACE FOR STUFF. up on stage but GWAR kept to form, definitely make it in.
We could probably hide drugs in it to made the show amazingly theatrical
smuggle over the border. and handled it superbly.

JORDAN Irr £». Mrrnrmxnjtrluiui

RYAN lllirl £135. l.-ii-K SSII. [BlOUl'.tT'v
Shw £49. uiaAmriufMarfcmut Hal /*). mbhiuiIiium

O WCN1 ISSUE 165 HJONI ISSUE 165 ©

 Q&A jol-P/irsi P>g 4v\/S
YO IORDAN, KEITH TOLD US I’ll get even more insecure about Boy's 40ft backdrop for the Blink-182
THAT HE WANTS YOU TO DRAW showing off my work. reunion tour. The day I went to see
A REALLY TINY COCK’N’BALLS ON WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR them was the one day all summer
HIM. THAT’S OKAY, RIGHT? INSPIRATION FROM? that it was too windy for them to
Dammit, I already started and I’ve Man, I wish I knew. I’d be visiting hang it. Pete Wentz didn’t notice that
given him huuuge balls. Ah well, that spot the whole time. Hands it wasn't up and gave me a shout-out
it wouldn't be a good drawing if I down, the worst part about making to 20,000 people. I was extremely
didn’t start over a couple of times. art, music or drawings, is lack of proud and disappointed all at once.
WHERE DO YOU GET YOUR inspiration. I never know when it’s AND FINALLY, ARE YOU A
ARTWORK DONE? coming, and I never know where it GUITARIST WITH AN ART
Seeing as the majority of my life comes from. Bike rides and video PROBLEM OR AN ARTIST WITH A
is spent on the road, that’s where I games help, though. Anything that GUITAR PROBLEM?
work most. It’s not, but I look at it clears my mind and allows weird I'd feel like a prick if I called them
like a bootcamp. Drawing in a cold, shit to enter through the backdoor. ‘problems'. I’m very lucky if these are
wet dressing room with no light is Looking at my favourite artists the biggest obstacles in my day. But,
just perfecting my skills to make me doesn’t help at all cos it makes me I have to finish a project that was
a better soldier. Er, I mean artist. think I’ll never be as good as them. due last week, while having to re¬
IS THERE ANYTHING YOU REALLY WHAT’S THE COOLEST PLACE learn old songs and learn new ones.
CAN’T DRAW? YOU’VE SEEN YOUR ART? So whatever you call them, I’ve got
God yes, but I’m not telling you How about the coolest place I them all the time.
what. Once that secret’s out DIDN’T see my art? I made Fall Out Check out more of Jordan Sr illustrations at jbww.com

AND\ (;lwwj(Tft\
KirkfXTxininiirkwim
JORDAN 5*Uf1 £TRV
Ui ur-.fc/yt ti irUrftn 11A
RYAN Sw-Jirr £25.
mattikinrcixiuivifyirjiirlnni
Hji £29, <j/retc±uLik.nu>i
51'kles £49. unAov./nSrp-rcMiJr
KEITH Honckr £105,
nrhamnt-Anm'ntriL

*1 ^

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01-ROII ISSUE 165 ITON1 ISSUE 165 Q

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0IFRONI ISSUE K>5 FRON1 ISSUE 165 ©

 SCREEN PRINTING MACHINE DRINK TEA MARK GONZALES' BONES BRIGADE
This spider-like affair production centre of the GET RAD VISION DECK T-SHIRT
normally has boards all whole operation. We print The Drink Tea Get Rad deck I've always loved this board. The Powell-Peralta t-shirt is
around it. It’s what we for all sorts of people as well is a board that we re-run the An original appeared on eBay from 1983. A friend of mine, a
use to screen-print all our - Witchcraft, Paul Parker’s whole time. It’s kinda like our and I started chatting to the guy called Gunnar, gave it to |
t-shirts that we make at graphics, Bored Of Southsea logo board and it encompasses guy; he ended up changing the me when I went over to stay
Lovenskate, too. It can print skate shop, Palace stuff, stuff everything Lovenskate stands end bidding date and gave me with him in La Paz. He found ”
up to six colours and it’s the for Carhartt, all sorts. for I guess, which is skating, a really good deal! He sent it it in a Bolivian flee market
rad, drinking tea and screen to me with a zine and stickers. and it’s completely signed by f
printing boards. It’s my favourite thing. the team, so Steve Caballero,
Mike McGill, Per Welinder
LOVENSKATE and so on.
SCREAMING FOOT
I would love it if we could
just keep that on a screen
and print shitloads of them
but unfortunately we put it
out there, put an advert in
Sidewalk and within two days
had a cease and desist from^
Santa Cruz.

I
jS$£«J
[^UTJTHELPS'I k/ 1

Kjj

Loven
1 1 •
■ ■

ED TEMPLETON TOY
MACHINE WAX
This is Ed Templeton’s
AT HOME WITH artwork - it’s a piece of Toy
Machine curb wax. I’m a bit
of a tweaker and I can’t bring
myself to use it for actually
waxing curbs so I just let it
PHOTO gather dust just cos I’m stoked
This is a picture of me ollieing on Ed Templeton’s art.
the door at Orcas Island
which is the most northern INSA DOLL
SKATEBOARDS island in Washington State We used to produce a lot for
Three of these are done by called Rolling Back The before you get to Canada. It’s INSA and I’ve always really
my favourite illustrators, Paul Years, an appreciation of '80s a Dreamlands park on top of loved the guy’s graphics. The
WE TAKE A LOOK AROUND THE Parker, French and Rob Ryan. skateboarding. I chose to make a mountain and there’s deer fact that he’s still doing graffiti
LOVENSKATE HQ WHILE THEY PUT The deck on the far left is the the Lovenskate board about running around, eagles flying but making some really high-
THE KETTLE ON ... Lovenskate Davross board. It
was done for an exhibition
British skate legend Davross,
cos he is pure skateboarding!
in the sky and it's this phat
concrete park.
class major work is cool. I can
only really afford the doll.
PHOTOGRAPHY: ALEX DE VORA

ERONT ISSUE 165 l-POfl ISSUE 165

 LIFE IN INK
TOBY MUG TWINKLE IN
I told one of the guys HIS EYE
from our label, Toby, I’d My daughter is called Rosie May,
get any tattoo if he paid and she’s 18 months old now.
for it. He said, “The day When people see it, they're all,
we sign you, you get my “Fuck, that’s gnarly, man”,
face tattooed on you". He but that soon stops when
freaked out, and it looks EYE-SOSCEI.ES o

VINCENT
I tell them the tattoo’s of
(J) like David Walliams. My wife is a tattoo artist. my daughter’s initials.
She’s not done it for long, so
I’m her human sketchpad.
She woke up one day and
had it in her head that she
wanted to tattoo my face.
PULLED APART BY HORSES FUCK MY An artist called Eckel does
-★- LUNGS these cool pieces with old
This is simply an ode gentlemen with weird face
THE STICKS MAN FROM IEEDS EXPLAINS WHY to my asthma. symbols, and this is my one.
HIRER RUINED EVERYONE'S FUN...
PHOTOGRAPHY: ALEX DE MORA

REVOLTY
TOWERS
A little BMX company 5- v>-
called Revolt used to
operate from my old house
and it was carnage. We ‘-cY,
had a mini ramp in the
front garden and actually
made it onto a programme
called Neighbours From
HelL It was a cool party
house and everyone
owl’s that
that lived there got this.
I started with the owl, and then Leeds. He’s amazing. Getting a FUCK
went for the sides. They’re kinda neck piece was a massive leap, My chest piece symbolises worries having a
Eight people lived there
cryptic, and for my wife. She's as with my hands. I think you life and death, good and swastika on me. I’m
officially, but there were
called Rebecca, so it’s I, heart, need to earn the right to get evil. The pattern on the the biggest lefty hippy
always like, 20 BMXs in
R. Fil Wood did this for me in tattooed in areas like that. snake is swastikas. With there is, and I like the
the hall
their original Buddhist original meaning, even
meaning of good fortune after some fascist dickhead
and prosperity, I have no tried to ruin it for everyone.
A-PAUL-ING -o
This was from the
Revolty Towers days.
Paul is one of my best
friends. We had a crazy
year living together,
getting drunk, being on
the dole, and we wanted
something to signify
1*41
our friendship.

FUCKED KNUCKLE
I was born with no fingers ‘No Room
on my left hand. I was For Hate’
a massive fat baby and on with no
my mum was a tiny little intention
prow’d woman, so I was kinda of doing it, ...
Did you see that Madonna didn’t make it. It’s just a little scrunched up in the womb. but it looked so
stage out in France when it nod to him. I don’t believe in Q My friend Miss Manners good that we just went for
collapsed? Yeah, my friend big elaborate tribute tattoos. did this tattoo for me. I was it. I’m pretty sure I’m the
Charles Prow was on the top Like, he’d have fucking loved just going to get the ‘Love’ only person with a tattoo
of a crane when it fell and he this shitty little text. done, but then she sketched that says that, too.

FRONI ISSUE 165

 IxCH(EU«57
ff

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FRON! ISSUE 165 ©

 THE TIT WHISPERER

AUNT AGONY

ARE YOU SEXILY CONFUSED?

LET OUR AGONY AUNT SET YOU DIFFICULTY: 5
STRAIGHT, YOU HORNY IDIOT ENJOYMENT: 0

comes to sexual pleasure, although be

WEE WILLIE PISS PANTS mMILE-HIGH (HUB cautious of taking on a pseudonym
Dear Von, is there ever W Whenever I’m on a - it can lead to you fully embodying
a circumstance where plane and go to sleep, I their persona. I've started thinking
it’s acceptable to wet always wake up with a I’m Jay-Z and its ruining my career.
yourself in public? massive, really visible erection. I
■ Will, via e-mail call it the Captain’s Log. The thing WOOHA WORRIES
There are plenty of instances where it is, when I’m with my missus, I have What’s the etiquette
is A-OKAY to wee yourself - when you trouble maintaining a boner. Is for referring to a lady’s
get wet over a fresh One Direction there any way I can bring the magic ladyflower? I don’t
lookalike in the street or while being of 35,000 feet to my bedroom? mean in an intimate setting, I mean
chased by a lion escaped from the zoo. ■ Aaron, via Facebook like if you have to say, “There’s a
Not okay if you’re just buying a pasty Sounds like she’s not the one for you, spider on your_I” -1 don’t want
from Greggs. so why not book yourself a different to add insult to the already-strange
flight every week - it doesn’t have situation of a lady having a spider
DICK-MLIKE to be anywhere good, Ireland, for on her whatchamacallit.
My dick looks a tad like example - and you can get right into ■ David, Manchester
Bob Geldof. Do girls dig stranger-plane sex? Just ensure you It totes depends on the situation,
dick-a-likes? fall asleep in the toilet, nude with the so for example, if you're enjoying
■ Craig, via e-mail door unlocked. crumpets with her and her mother,

KRYSTIE G
Ask yourself, would you enjoy a something proper and appropriate
vadge-a-like? For instance, if we were PAVA-HOJTIE like, “There's a spider on your fuzzy
to meet one night at a gig, enjoyed I make my girlfriend taco!" but if you're just about to chow
HAIR & MAKEUP:
some Jagerbombs and I took you back call me Pavarotti in bed. down, it needs to be a bit sexier like,
to mine for you to then realise that Is this weird? “There's a spider on your cunt".
mine resembled Ann Widdecombe ■ Dan, Aberystwyth
eagerly awaiting a good feed, would I don’t think it is weird really. I like CHEEKY FIST BUMP
you be aroused? Probs not. to think each to their own when it You know when you’re
HAYIEY FORESTER

introduced to someone
and you’re meant to
DOS AND DON'Ts kiss them on the cheek? I’ve got
pretty shitty spatial awareness and
#34 HOW TO SURVIVE BEING frequently find myself nuzzling
STYLING:

women’s necks in full view of their

SINGLE ON VALENTINE'S DAY angry boyfriends. I feel like I’m on
borrowed time - any suggestions?
MY MAWSON

Being a single loser couple? DON'T then you, so why not have a
on the big ‘V day" is spy on the neighbours ■ Gareth, via e-mail
proceed to eat a bit and
no biggie. DO try to vomit into their Rioja banging? I find Probably best to avoid the
ruin it for those that though. Too far. DO that using awkward neck-kiss fumble
PHOTOGRAPHY:

are coupled up - why avoid having a cry wank an animal’s altogether and go for a gentle
not run into the local blood as fist bump, not to be confused

®ater£*
over pictures of exes on
on
restaurant and take Facebook. Instead, try lube really with a gentle fisting - that
a shit next to the voyeurism; everyone else enhances would really be awkward
smuggest looking is doing it apart from my perve. now wouldn't it!

ISSUE 165
 FRONTARMY.COM

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_ _
 Jm J 1] mi ;|il
l]

TO Ml mlJ

Prolong The Agony Never Promised, on New quintet are announcing

OLYMPIAN
Olympian have just hahahahaLOL! While download their debut
started 2012 with a Year's Day. A video’s tour dates soon. started out, but the they add to their tour single Rusted, along with
bang, releasing their in the works and the FOR FANS OF: Exeter hardcore band are diary, why not head their B-side, Pin Up, Girl.
latest single. Tomorrow's Portsmouth hardcore Asking Alexandria. going for gold in 2012 over to Facebook and FOR FANS OF: Defeater.

■ facebook.com/prolonatheaaon [ M facebook.com/olympianhc 1

They began as a That Should Not Be. a fan of chess. We know

This alt-indie quartet are busy recording their their Facebook page.
metal cover band, but Check out their pretty we are.
from Southampton first EP. In the meantime, FOR FANS OF: The
Amongst Carrion have awesome music video of FOR FANS OF: Young
have played alongside check out their latest Strokes, The Vaccines
just released their the same name if you’re Guns, We Are The Ocean
Running From Lions and single Bite The Bullet on and Deaf Havana.
five-track debut EP, We a fan of dungeons and and Framing Hanley.

M myspace.com/thedriveaways M facehook.com/amonastcarrion

A SEASON Of
SECREIS

This Scottish hard rock touring to promote the German horror flick Despite only forming in EPs. They’ll be bringing European tour in April.
Bristol metalcore five- produce a heavy sound FOR FANS OF: The Devil A Season Of Secrets built their debut EP, Young and definitely worth checking
band are going for release of their debut EP, Cannibal Diner. Yumyum. 2010, Badland Bandits their own brand of hard FOR FANS OF: Black
piece Ruins Will Rise and off-the-wall live Wears Prada, Bring Me quite the following after Naive. Now in the process out. Go do it.
maximum exposure in and one of their tracks FOR FANS OF: Motley Criie, have gigged across the rock to the Continent Sabbath, Iron Maiden
fuse aggressive riffs with shows. Check out their the Horizon, Of Mice And headlined Sheffield’s 02 of writing another album, FOR FANS OF: YMAS, Fall
February - they start will feature in upcoming Whitesnake and Europe. country and released two with an enormous and Velvet Revolver.
melodic influences to Facebook page, yo. Men and Parkway Drive. Academy to promote this pop-punk sextet is Out Boy and All Time Low.

M facebook.com/ruinswiUriseuk ■ sonicthrill.com Mfacebook.com/aseasonofsecrets ■ myspace.com/badlandbanditsofficial

ACTIONS TO ONSLAUGHT OCEANS ATE ALASKA

Things are looking rosy one, and was circulated release date for their
Actions To Onslaught was released in 2010 and and is definitely worth
are a death-metal/ a new video comes out a watch. for post-hardcore band on Scuzz. They've got EP Into The Deep.
hardcore band hailing in late January. Their FOR FANS OF: Bring Me Oceans Ate Alaska. Their two singles coming out FOR FANS OF: At
from the South East last video has nearly The Horizon, Impending debut single, Clocks, is in the next few months, The Drive-In and
Their EP, Self Reflections, 100K hits on YouTube Doom and Vanna. V ' UBj better than the Coldplay as well as an April The Blackout.

J * t it tty KEEP
CALK
■ facebook.com/oceansatealaska

Finish
HIM

DOOMED FROM DAY ONE

They’re going down
an absolute storm in
the UK metal scene at
only hit the live circuit
a little over a year ago.
Their debut EP, The
constantly touring, so
keep an eye out.
FOR FANS OF: Bring
ASHES BEFALL
Founded in early 2011,
Ashes Befall are a
sound. Their EP, Find Me,
has just been released
guitarist. Yep - snazzy.
FOR FANS OF: Bullet For
the moment, so it’s a Wasted World, received Me The Horizon, The
Cheshire-based five- and features snazzy My Valentine and As I
bit of a surprise that a great online reception Devil Wears Prada and
piece with a great metal artwork courtesy of their Lay Dying.
Doomed From Day One and they seem to be Cancer Bats.

Mfacebook.com/doomedfromdayone M facebook.com/ashesbefall

_ _ _
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 what could never be said of the genre’s
elder statesman is that he's lacking in
things to say: Evolve Or Be Extinct is his
eighth studio offering, his second in
sixth months, and boasts tracks such as
Customs and Cheer Up It’s Christmas,
which don’t exactly require much to
dissect their lyrical code. We're expecting
him to go full-on Grumpy Old Men soon
but for now, Evolve has enough plus
points to warrant attention.
IN A NUTSHELL GRAMPS RETURNS
TO PROVE HE’S NOT ALL GUMS AND
WALKING STICKS.
★★★★★ Out now

YOUNG BLEEDING MARMOZETS

GUNS THROUGH VEXED
BONES THE GREAT FIRE IF RECENT DROPS from
Pulled Apart By Horses and
IT'S EASY to forget FAR TOO LONG Hawk Eyes weren’t enough
that, despite their hamstrung by their to convince you that Leeds
unerring presence on record label of old, is the epicenter of exciting young rock
festival bills, radio Bleeding Through have acts now, then Marmozets are here
airwaves and outside our bathroom never really filled the early promise to staplegun the memo to your skull.
window at night (it’s getting weird), that greeted them during their And in pairing the latter’s bite with the
this is only Young Guns’ second breakout year in 2004. But now, former's angular bark, it’s news that’ll
album. And if their familiarity was safely in the warm, welcoming leave a stupid grin all over your stupid
beginning to breed a tiny bit of bosom of Rise Records (Hot Water face. An essential taster of a band more
contempt, it’s about time to step Music, Your Demise etc), they’re combustible than a can of Lynx Java
back and remind yourself how taking giant strides in their bid to tossed in a bonfire. Enjoy the fireworks.
shiny their hair is and how fist- clamor back into our lugholes. If IN A NUTSHELL STANDING HEAD
pumpingly fun their brand of arena 2010's self-titled effort was AND SHOULDERS AT THE TOP OF THE
rock can be. If foot-stomping riffs something of CPR for the band after MATHCORE GAME.
and shout-along choruses bubble- signing with Rise, The Great Fire is a
★★★★★ Out 6 February
wrapped in ’80s Sunset Boulevard 10,000-volt defibrillator jolt, sure to
nostalgia gets your boner a-poppin’, floor anyone clumsy enough to step
Young Guns do it better*n anyone. in its way without the necessary
IN A NUTSHELL THE UK'S rubber-soled shoes, hard hat and
FINEST ROCK BAND CEMENT goggles, as hardcore gets tangled up
THEIR POSITION AT THE TOR with black metal and attempts to
WOODEN HEART/RETURN TO STRUGGLEVIUE ★★★★★
bludgeon its way out. As ferocious as
Out 17 February a hissy-fit-throwing T-rex.
reading for the best part IN A NUTSHELL
of a decade now, and have
here given a spitwash to
THREE OTHER BANDS TO PARENTAL WARNING:
OVEREXPOSURE COULD LEAVE YOU
LISTENER
two of their finer releases,
Wooden Ship, and Return To
IMPRESS A GIRL WITH DEAF, DUMB AND IMPOTENT.

AFTER A MISSPENT Struggleville. The former's Out 31 January

youth attempting to probably the stronger NEW YOUNG
PONY CLUB
figure out exactly what it
is that impresses girls (it's
collection, if you’re looking
for an immediate bra-
All girls like ponies,
right? So this’ll be right
flV*
WILEY
EVOLVE OR BE EXTINCT MENTAL METAL ART
not setting fire to their undipper, but Struggleville up her cul-de-sac. Make
hair, FYI), we’re happy to does boast FRONT favourite I sure you play her the
debut album, Fantastic
report that the two best
aphrodisiacs are indeed
music and flowery poetry.
Have Nothing But Attention
When I Scream. Either way,
the girls’ll be shaving your ATOMIC KfJTEN
Playroom, which
includes Ice Cream (all
girls like ice-cream, ANAL CUNT
GRIME GRANDAD
Wiley seems to be
getting a touch cranky
8iBi?W8£
And it’s with great pleasure, name into their pubes in no Girls like kittens, right? right?) and Jerk Me for All girls like - wait, what? these days. When he’s
ttJSS OWK3IEN

So this’ll be right up you to wink along to.

then, that we're pushing time, you stud, you. What do you mean, they not taking to Twitter (which he does BAND: BATTLEAXE
her street. Make sure don’t? Make sure you play
Listener into your ears, who you play her the debut a lot) to bemoan the fact that GENRE: HEAVY METAL
IN A NUTSHELL her I Like It When You
manage to combine both album, Right Now, Die, Everyone Should Be Chipmunk and Tinie Tempah have GORE RATING: *★★★★ Jk
to knicker-dropping effect.
This spoken-word hip-hop-
LIKE THE BEST AUDIOBOOK
EVER, WITH ADDED
MUSICAL BONUS.
which not only includes
cuddle-up weepie
Whole Again, but also
fU*ft00* Killed, 40 More Reasons
To Hate Us, Defenders
Of The Hate, Old Lady
been bestowed Nando’s Black Cards
and he hasn’t, he’s penning odd little
TEXT ILLEGIBILITY:
★★★★
. ■ ■■ £
collective offshoot duo have some lovely pictures of Across the Hall With No ditties like Can I Have A Taxi Please?, UPSET CAUSED TO
Liz McClamon in the
been steadily pairing indie Life and Breastfeeding 2 in which he manages to squabble SOCIETY: ★★★★
noodlings with flowery Out now
sleeve for her to model
herself on.
J.M.J. Bullock’s
Toenail Collection.
i with a made-up cabbie. Still, though, ... GM/. tffff ..
X-*

0 IRON! ISSUE 165 W3NI ISSUE 165 ©

 REARENOGAMES

FINAL
FANTASY XIII-
PS3ABOX 360
MOG THE MOOGLE
Serah is now accompanied by
Mog the Moogle, a hovering
marshmallow thing that
SET THREE YEARS after the events theme in the game: everything is equal parts helpful and
of FFXin, the next instalment in the has been tightened, matured and annoying, making it pretty
series (the catchily titled FFX111-2) updated to make an infinitely more gratifying when you get to
focuses on Lightning’s sister Serah, playable game than its predecessor. throw him (her? it?) around
and a mysterious dude from the It’s like playing the game that you PUNCHTABULOUS later on in the game. Thanks MONSJER CHUMS
future, called Noel Kriess, who claims wished FF XIII was. FIGHTASUCNESS to Mog, you now have a “Mog Instead of adding different
to be the "last surviving human". People who criticised the linearity FFXIII-2 retains the battle Clock” - a timer that pops up characters to your party, as in
Following Lightning’s sudden of the previous game are in for a system from FFXIII, but it's a whenever you encounter an FFXlil, you now add monsters
disappearance three years ago, Serah surprise, as XM-2 is not very linear faster and way more refined enemy that makes it easier that you encounter/capture
fears that she may actually be dead, at all. The Historia Crux (which you version that makes good use for you get in some fuck-you- along the way, upgrading
and is beginning to doubt that the can revisit throughout the game) has of quick-time events, which mister preemptive strikes. them as you would your
memories she has of her sister are you bouncing back and forth through are mostly used to unlock main characters, by using the
real. Thankfully, Noel turns up out of time like a loopy episode of Quantum superfly special moves. If Crystarium (which has also
the sky with the news that Lightning Leap. Rather than follow a set path, FFXHI’s battle system was been refined and simplified).
is alive and well, but trapped in a you’re rewarded for exploring a boozy scuffle in a pub You can pick which monsters
place called Valhalla, fighting against and revisiting old areas with car-park, FFXHI-2’s is a cool¬ to add to your team, fuse their
a chap called Caius who looks like additional artefacts - vital keys to looking high-speed nunchaku skills together, or even give
a lost member of Black Veil Brides your time-travelling adventures. scrap between two ninjas them cute little hats or tattoos,
crossed with a failed '80s electropop The boss battles with well nice shoes on. which is pointless but rad.
singer. Terrifying. are large and
It then gets a bit cloudy as to what impressive: one of
the hell is going on (this is a Final them has you fighting
Fantasy game remember - they’re some giant dude who
not really supposed to make sense looks like Iron
to the non-Japanese) but we think Maiden’s Eddie,
that the main gist is that the world which I found
is ending and you have to travel pretty amusing.
through time to try and prevent the Oh, and you can now thankfully
future in which poor old Noel lives all play on "easy", cutting down
on his lonesome from happening. potential gameplay-time by about
Some of the original characters 1,000,000,000 horns. Result. D«'ta Attic*
from FF XHI return, older and wiser IN A NUTSHELL-FASTER,
and looking like they’re heavily PRETTIER, WAY MORE INVOLVING.
★★★★★
gotten into LARP. This same-but-
different idea seems to be a recurring Out 3 February

FIRST-PERSON SHOOTER of The Brotherhood, a centuries-old R PG

organisation hell-bent on snaffling

THE his Darkness powers for themselves. GRAVITY RUSH GAMES WE'D LIKE TO SEE
PS VITA
DARKNESS II The move to cel-shaded graphics
may have some of you up in arms,
PS3/360/PC NO. 32-
and you’ll either love or hate the
new multiplayer. But there’s plenty
WITH THE PS VITA out this month
(see review on page 28), the launch 1 SURER SUPER
THE ORIGINAL Darkness was a remaining for fans of the original: game that’s been tickling my willy the
OUNCE PARTY! AWKWARD
sleeper hit that gained cult status
for its comic-book roots, innovative
the gritty New York backdrop and
gangster banter still stands up, and
most is Gravity Rush, a Vita exclusive
that takes full advantage of the new
■ ><3r ■ DANCE
gameplay and dark, moody graphics.
Now Jackie Estocado returns in a new
the gameplay is just as fun. The big
news is that you can shoot firearms
handheld’s Sixaxis capabilities.
You play as Kat, a girl capable of
The game really is lush to look
at, and unlike some other games
PARTY!
Use your Xbox Kinect
game, with a new studio - Digital and use your powers at the same time. controlling gravity thanks to a space that mess with gravity, it plays very
controller to put
Extremes - at the helm, and the jury's Plus, the gore levels are way, way up cat (an actual cat with what appears smoothly. You will bend into some
yourself in the sweaty
out as to whether the change has this time around, which can only ever to be an entire galaxy inside it). It’s daft positions to get to the right spots loafers of Sebastian, a
been a good thing. be a good thing. We lurve gore. cutesy-meets-steampunk, and an - all part of the fun though, right? socially inept first-year
Da plot: Jackie has become the IN A NUTSHELL MIKE PATTON absolute beauty to play. And no IN A NUTSHELL THE BEST physics student pitifully
Don of the Franchetti family, but VOICES THE DARKNESS AGAIN. YAY. wonder: it’s horn the big brain of REASON TO BUY A PS VITA. trying to cut a rug at a

★★★★★ ★★★★★
he’s haunted by the loss of his Keiichirou Toyama, the guy behind house party he wasn’t
girlfriend. He's also become a target Out 10 February Silent Hill and Siren. Out 22 February invited to.

© MON I ISSUE 165 TONI ISSUE 165

__
 FURTHER VIEWINGS
SERIOUSLY, ANY FUCKING
WHAT'S THIS? GOOD THEN?

Two sets of parents We’ve all had to pretend to

meet up for an awkward like someone whose presence
afternoon discussion at a party is as welcome as a
after their fighty kids trouserless dad at Disneyland.
get into a playground This is like that, but even
scrap. Although they more hilariously tense - like a
initially try dead hard trouserless dad
to keep things nice and ^ M fleeing Disneyland
polite, they soon start security guards.
knocking back the IN A NUTSHELL:
booze, at which point W LOTS OF FIST-BITINGLY
the blame-fingers start AWKWARD LOLS.
getting pointed around.

A fucked-up teen goes New face Ezra Miller’s turn

on a high-school killing as Kevin - the troubled teen
spree, leaving his with mummy issues - is so
bedraggled mum to pick good, it'll have you hurling
up the pieces. Her life swears at the screen. What
gets dragged through a properly brilliant prick.
a shitty puddle so deep IN A NUTSHELL
and gross, the whiff just KEVIN NEEDS A KICKING.
won't go away.

Actually, do be The freaky monsters wide enough to drive a bus

afraid of the dark, that feast on children’s full of fatties through. Katie
because it’s full teeth like Tangfastics Holmes, though: she’s a
of bitey, scratchy are kinda cool, but not pretty little Scientologist,
little bastards l cool enough to save isn't she?
that’ll gnaw ft this flick from some IN A NUTSHELL
your face off ft painfully shoddy DO BE AFRAID OF THIS
RRING: KERMfT THE FROG, MISS PIGGY, GOWZO, FOZZIE the first chance I acting and a script MOVIE, AS IT'S SHTT.
they get. full of plot-holes ★★★★★
WE FUCKING LOVEthe
Muppets. These fuzzy guys INTERVIEW WITH THE MUPPETS' Hesher’s a stoner with a Like the metal music dealing with grief,
were there for us when
our parents were too busy
DIRECTOR JAMES BOBIN heart of gold who takes
it upon himself to help a
that Hesher proper
bums, you’ll
with, weirdly, the odd
explosion thrown in
doing bills to spend time with us. So kid cope with the death either love or k for good measure.
when we heard that Jason Segel and S’UP JAMES. SO, WHAT’S a lot more because he's doing the of his mum. Dwight hate this one. i
Flight of The Conchords man James YOUR EARLIEST MEMORY same job as me. He’s the director of I IN A NUTSHELL
from The US. Office is Despite being M
Bobin were involved in the new’un, M ML OF THE MUPPETS? the show in a way, and has a lot of an anarchic
1 A HEAVY-METAL
his bummed-out dad,
we felt quite aroused. I'm old enough to remember them plates spinning at any time. haha-fest, * I MARYPOPPINS.
while Natalie Portman
In the film, the world's gone all from the first time they were on TV WAS THE STUDIO AS MAD AS THE provides the eye candy. it’s also about
cynical and decided it doesn’t need in the 70s. I remember watching MUPPET THEATRE?
Kermit and co. anymore, forcing the them in my granny’s house on Yes, that’s what it’s suppose to be like
group to split. Luckily, Walter, the Sunday afternoons. It was basically Obviously Jason Segel is a massive
world's biggest Muppets fan after us,
still has faith, and with his human
like my six-year-old brain on TV and
I think that’s why I loved it so much
puppet fan, his house is full of
them and he builds his own.
SWERVE THIS
bro Gary (Segel), he sets out to reunite - blowing things up and falling, just When he was on set with The
the gang. Yay. really funny stuff. Muppets it was like his URBAN
M PARANORMAL
Despite taking ages getting here WHICH MUPPET DO YOU LIKE BEST? dream-come-true every WARFARE
(the Yanks got it in November), The In the 70s I was a big fan of Animal day. He was always in There’s a reason why HAUNTING:
Muppets are officially shit-hot again. because he was so crazy and I loved an incredibly good Steven Seagal wasn’t CURSE OF THE BLUE
Famous faces are all over the shop, his unpredictability. I also liked mood, just pleased to invited to Stallone's ._ MOON INN
making you point at the screen like guy called Marvin Suggs who plays be there and that’s Expendables testicle- rw You never find anything
the token cinema knobchops, but the Muppaphone which is basically a good vibe. The fest, which is a good in Blockbuster’s
who cares? It’s The fucking Muppets. little balls of fluff that he hits with puppeteers were shame, because his bargain bin, bar the
a hammer and they make a noise. lot of fun, so it road-kill hairpiece I occasional quid dropped
IN A NUTSHELL THEY’RE BACK!
That was really funny as a kid but was a very fun could have played I by some sticky-fingered
^ < nowadays I identify with Kermit set to be on. a terrifying baddie. Oft man-child. This tacky
ITV Look at it, the Paranormal Activity cash
thing’s shit-scary. in won’t buck that trend.

FRONT ISSUE 165 FRONI

 UNLUCKY
TRUCKER
An American truck driver
ENGINE: 1.6LTR TURBO POWER: 208BHP 0-62MPH who won a Lamborghini
6.4SEC TOP SPEED: I49MPH (EST) Murcielago managed to
wreck it after only six
WHEN THE MINI Coupe was unveiled, hours! David Dopp was
some bellend said it looked like it was
taking his mate for a
wearing a cap backwards. The roof is a spin when he hit black
bit special, but a cap? Lay off the weed, ice, ended up in a spin
fuckers! Anyway, the car’s a proper and crashed into a field.
winner packing a turbocharged 1.61tr
engine, and it’s made by BMW, so won’t
THREE MORE MINIS The £200K supercar was
buggered, and the daft
fall apart anytime soon. It has more trucker now plans to sell it.
aids than you can shake a stick at (that’s 2001 MINI COOPER S
driver aids - airbags, impact protection The S means it’s got a supercharger
etc, rather than bum AIDS) and as it’s a fitted. That means a belt-driven
fan forces more air into the engine
Mini, it goes round comers fast. If you’re
to give it more power. A bit like
not feeling the top, JCW petrol version, when you fart in the shower and it
you can even get a diesel version that ORIGINAL MINI smells worse. Peachy.
only needs filling up once every three COOPERS PRICE: FROM £3,000
It’s cheap to run, easy to fix, costs The One is a basic new-shape Mini,
years. Or something. Only downside is
buttons to insure and is still a right but will cost a lot less to run than
lack of room in the back, and the price. laugh to drive. Get the speedy 1275cc a Cooper S. Underneath it’s still
engine as it’s the fastest and don’t a BMW, so the bugger will go on
IN A NUTSHELL crash it, as the only protection forever. Lots of them about and you CADDY SMACK
FASTER, HARDER AND SMALLER THAN inside is likely to be that out-of- can add an approximate shitload of A runaway golf cart
A REGULAR MINI. date rubber in your wallet. styling upgrades.
PRICE: FROM £2,500
caused chaos at an
American Football game
after skittling a bunch of
coaches and officials. It
was eventually stopped
IT MIGHT SOUND like asked David Attenborough THIS NEW 2012 Honda

HONDA
when a stadium worker

HARLEY-
something that your MILF-y and he’s seen loads of animals Zoomer has a mental looking, managed to jump on it
neighbour keeps in her knicker getting bummed. Best of all, bare-bones frame so it stands out and turn off the engine.
drawer, but the Night Rod the wanky chrome has all been like a Lucky Charm in a bowl of
Special is actually a rather removed and replaced by lots of Golden Grahams. And best of all,
ZOOMER 50 - £2,470
bang-tidy motorcycle. Made by and lots of lovely black bits. It’s with a baby 49cc engine, you can
RETRO RIDE
DAVIDSON
VRSC NIGHT ROD SPECIAL - £13,499
Harley-Davidson, the Rod is a
big black beast of a bike. Based

L. it’s packing an engine

enough to make an R6 rider do
a big shit in his ‘racing’ leathers.
on the rather spunky V-Twin, From the engine on full view,
to the double-barrel shotgun
ENGINE: UQUID COOLED, 4 STROKE POWER:
4BHP | TOP SPEED: 37MPH WEIGHT: 194LBS
ride it at just 16! It’ll do a claimed
114mpg, which is a fuckload,
and thanks to the minimalist
design, it weighs in at just 1941bs
with loads of power style exhausts, it impossible not (or 14 stone in old money). With
ENGINE: 1250CC VTW1N V8 POWER: 125BHP TOP SPEED: 120MPH
and makes a to look cool riding one of these. twin headlights and high riser
noise like a Unless you do a big skid, fall off handlebars, the Zoomer has
lion getting and land in dog shit. the edge over other scoots
bummed by IN A NUTSHELL \ and we loves it we does.
v* .Ay a rhino. We
^ know, cos we
DARK AND DEADLY, LIKE A
GUINNESS POO.
IN A NUTSHELL VWGOU=MK2
_/ SUPER TOUGH SCOOT. ENGINE: 1.3UH | POWER: 54BHP10-60MPH: 13SEC
TOP SPEED: 95MPH | PRICE: £500 -£1500
Get some early ’90s love in your
life with an Mk2 Golf. Stay away
from the GT1 version as they cost a
bomb to insure; look out for a tidy
L31tr model, which is cheap to run
and ideal for bombing around in.
Chuck some cool stickers and a set
of lowering springs on it and you’re
away. The VW scene is way cooler
than most other car ’scenes’ and it’s
all about trick little styling touches
that make your ride stand out

iRONl ISSUE 165

 rollersnakes
Inspiring independence since 1985
www.rollersnakes.co.uk
0333 6000 666

RUSSELL KANE
A couple of _ Russell Kane? Russell Kunt. It’s Unfuckingfunny funnyman fucking cunt
issues back, like some sick, twisted scientist
V—J/1 (V *

you declared extracted the cuntiest elements ONE DIRECTION • >«\Vv m

¥
Nidd Minaj not
a cunt. Please revise
of Nick Grimshaw, Russell Brand
and George Lamb, then smashed
Five-headed, five-cunted quintupocunts IKS
this decision on the mT them all together in a cuntomatic
following grounds: cuntomiser machine to create some
FRANKIE COCOZZA
I She wobbles her head
about like a twatty nodding dog.
kind of mega-powered mutant
ultracunt. He’s about as funny as a
Shit-photocopy-of-a-2006-indie-cunt cunt

2 She dresses like the bastard child scabby erection, plus he has the face OLLY MURS
of a unicorn on mushrooms. and hairdo of a Portuguese mobile-
disco DJ/rapist. Cee-to-da-izzunt.
j She looks like a pointy-face horse.
Errol Perkins, London
4 The bass on Super Bass isn’t even It’s fair to that most Russells are cunts
CHECKOUT
Old-lady-baffling robo-cunt.
bassy, let alone super-bassy. - see Russells Crowe, Grant, Howard
and every single Jack Russell ever. But
J She’s a cunt. BRIAN OFF MISFITS
yes, Russell Kane, has definitely taken
Callum & Hannah things up a notch, cunt-wise. Reign it Milk-fiddling supercunf
As you've numbered them, we're in a bit Kane, you vast cunt. ...
legally obligated to overturn our EDWARD CULLEN
earlier decision and declare Ms. Minaj Fictional gravestone-faced unhappy cunt.
a jumbo mega-cunt. Well played
Callum and Hannah. Well played. That milk-faced, V ROBERT PATTINSON ▼
bum-chinned ■ >•*** Actual gravestone-faced unhappy cunt.
cunt Brian off
Misfits has to be the BONO Y
I hear that that no-talent ass-down crappest fucker on
Stadium-bumming titchy-wee cunt.
David Walliams is going to be a TV. He has the power
judge on Britain’s Got Talent. He to manipulate dairy
did, like, one comedy programme products - which is shit
years ago that got hella repetitive enough - but then he goes Bassless big-haired nodding cunt
after about 19 seconds, and he’s been and tops it off with the smuggest,
PICTURES: REX

riding its success ever since. What slimiest, cuntiest face I’ve ever seen.
qualifies him to judge other people’s Chip Vickers, Hull One cunting Direction. I
talent? The cunt. You're not wrong, Chip. Brian’s can’t go anywhere without
Bany£hapman Tardokinesis’ (Jeeeeesus) makes him a hearing these cunts on
l#V Ndw steady on, Barry. little milky, cheesy, yoghurty cunt the radio. They need to be
- Britain may have massively castrated, then shot.
J|^ ov^stayed its welcome, Huw Williams
anaWalliams hasn't done With you all the way, Huw.
anything worth half a tit That cunt who says, Shooting might actually
) since, but he did swim the “Unexpected item in be good for these cunts,
j lengthhf the AIDS-infested bagging area”... however - let’s just have
Thames River for molested Yisroel Goodman them castrated and leave
Sri Lankan circus lions, or Can we just stop you them to suffer sexless,
■ - whoever it was. Crap, there, Yisroel? Yes, joyless, lonely lives of utter,
1^ yes. Cunt, not. yes, yes. Incredicunt. grinding despair.