Conflict
& Repair.
The Barrier: Lack of Transparency in Desires and Needs
Conflict is an important element in creating clarity and closeness in relationships. It
however becomes challenging when you're aware of your frustration but unclear
about what you truly desire beneath that frustration. Recognizing and articulating your
deeper needs transforms conflict from a repetitive struggle into an opportunity for
growth and closeness.
Conflict becomes more challenging when you are aware of the dissatisfaction but are
not clear about what you truly need or desire. Without this clarity, couples tend to
cycle through the same issues. According to the Gottman Method, many couples
struggle because they don’t understand or respect their partner’s dreams, values, and
philosophies. We tend to not communicate and accept these underlying elements
honestly.
www.lydiahillcoaching.com | @lydiahill__ | +34 627 927 513
www.lydiahillcoaching.com | @lydiahill__ | +34 627 927 513
Get
Curious.
What is it that You and Your Partner or Friend Want
Step 1: Define the Conflict
Clearly describe the ongoing conflict. Focus on specifics — what triggers it, and what
are the most stuck points? This step is crucial.
Step 2: Identify Your Feelings and Needs
Express all your emotions related to the conflict openly. It is important to understand
each other's feelings as they are core to understanding deeper needs and desires.
Allow yourself to voice even the seemingly minor annoyances, as they can reveal
significant underlying issues.
Step 3: Explore Underlying Dreams and Values
Discuss what changes you wish to see. Then delve deeper to explore why these
changes are important to you. What dreams or values are tied to these desired
changes? For example, if you wish your partner spent more time at home, perhaps it
ties into a deeper value of family or partnership.
Step 4: Reflect on Personal and Mutual Growth
Consider the implications of these desired changes. How would they impact you
personally and your relationship? This reflection can help both partners understand
how meeting these needs could foster growth individually and as a couple.
Step 5: Create a Plan of Action
What are the steps you can both take going forward to support a better experience
within the relationship? Plan a regular time to revisit the plan together.
www.lydiahillcoaching.com | @lydiahill__ | +34 627 927 513
Argue Your
better.
WANT
M A T T E R S
Healthy Ways to Argue
Arguing better means transforming conflict from a negative, destructive experience
into a positive, constructive one. It’s not just about proving a point or winning but rather
reaching a better understanding and enhancing relationships.
Focus on Understanding, Not Winning
- Shift your mindset from trying to win the argument to trying to understand the other
person's perspective. Be curious. This cultivates empathy and communication.
- Ask questions to clarify your understanding of their points and show genuine interest
in their thoughts and feelings.
Use “I” Statements
- Express your feelings and thoughts using “I” statements rather than “you”
statements. This helps in taking ownership of your emotions without blaming or
accusing the other.
- For example, say, “I feel frustrated when meetings start late” instead of “You are
always late to meetings.”
Listen Actively
- Pay close attention to what the other person is saying without planning your next
response while they are speaking. This shows respect and openness.
- Paraphrase their points to confirm understanding, e.g., “So, you’re saying that…”
Stay Calm and Composed
- Keep your emotions in check to prevent the argument from escalating.
Take deep breaths, pause before responding, and maintain a calm tone.
- If you feel overwhelmed, take a short break and restart when both
parties are calmer.
www.lydiahillcoaching.com | @lydiahill__ | +34 627 927 513
Argue Better.
Stick to the Topic
- Avoid bringing up past frustrations or straying from the topic at hand. This can
complicate the argument and prevent a resolution.
- If new issues arise during the conversation, address them separately.
Acknowledge Valid Points
- When the other person makes a valid point, acknowledge it. This shows that you
are listening and open-minded, which can help de-escalate tension.
- Saying something like, “You make a good point there,” supports a more
collaborative dialogue.
Avoid Generalizations and Absolutes
- Words like “always” and “never” can make statements feel attacking and
exaggerated. Be specific about behavior or incidents.
- Instead of saying, “You never listen to me,” try, “I felt unheard when I spoke about
my day yesterday.”
Seek Solutions
- Look for areas where solutions are possible. Not all arguments have a clear winner,
and sometimes a middle ground is the best outcome for both parties.
- Discuss possible solutions and agree on steps that accommodate both perspectives.
Use Humor When Appropriate
- Lightening the mood with a bit of humor can help relieve tension, as long as it’s
appropriate and not at the expense of the other person.
- Ensure the humor is gentle and doesn’t undermine the seriousness of their feelings
or the topic.
Know When to End the Argument
- If it’s going in circles or emotions are running too high, it’s okay to end it and revisit
the issue later.
- You can say, “Let’s pause here and think more about this,” ensuring it’s clear you
are not dismissing the issue entirely.
Reflect and Follow Up
- After the argument, reflect on what was discussed and how you both handled the
situation. Consider what you learned from the interaction.
- Follow up on any commitments made and make sure to do what you can to help
repair and strengthen the relationship.
www.lydiahillcoaching.com | @lydiahill__ | +34 627 927 513
Real
Love.
Serves both the self and the other
Real love transcends the confines of romantic notions, it holds a profound desire for
the genuine well-being of both the self and the other. It is a selfless and beautifully
compassionate attitude that seeks to uplift and support the other person, even when it
may not align with your desires or expectations. This is freedom of heart.
This love acknowledges and celebrates the inherent worth and uniqueness of both
you and the other, valuing their happiness and growth above all else. It is not bound
by possessiveness or attachment but rather thrives in freedom and mutual respect.
Real love is the unwavering commitment to seeing the other person flourish, to be
their ally in times of struggle, and to rejoice in their successes and joys with an open
heart. And, this starts with you giving that to yourself. When you prioritize your own
well-being and happiness, you naturally radiate that love outward, creating space for
genuine connections built on mutual respect and care. You will feel connected, safe,
supported, satisfied and full of joy.
When you are Safe
IN YOUR OWN HEART
YOU ARE FREE
www.lydiahillcoaching.com | @lydiahill__ | +34 627 927 513
www.lydiahillcoaching.com | @lydiahill__ | +34 627 927 513
