APRIL 2018

SPRING
IT'S TIME
TO START
FRESH!

INFERTILITY

FULL-TIME
STEPMOMS

PARENTAL
ALIENATION

BUILDING
TRUST
 17

14 50 27

FEATURES

14 The Childless Stepmom 31 Do You Copy, Stepmom?

6 Ways to Cope With Infertility How to Get Your Point Across: The Do's and Don'ts
BY KELLY PALMQUIST, MSW BY MARY T. KELLY, MA

17 Full-Time Stepmoms
Strategies for Stepping Up Without IN EVERY ISSUE
Getting Your Heart Stomped on
BY BRENDA SNYDER, LCSW
4 ON THE COVER
Julia Erdkamp
22 Expert Advice on Parental Alienation
Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, Speaks 5 LETTER FROM THE PUBLISHER
With StepMom Magazine What I Think About ... Potholes and Promises
BY KRISTEN WILKINSON, PSYD
36 FROM THE ARCHIVES
27 Your Mother-in-Law and His Ex This Time Last Year
Are They Too Close for Comfort?
50 
R EAL STEPMOMS. REAL STORIES.
BY CLAUDETTE CHENEVERT
Emili Wadkins
 APRIL 2018

11 6

37 41

DEPARTMENTS

6 VANTAGE POINT 41 STEPFAMILY LIFE

Being First Is the Worst! Spring Cleaning—at Any Age!
Embracing My Role as Second Wife and Stepmom Getting Your Stepkids to Help
BY KRISTEN SKILES, MBA With Household Chores
BY JESSICA LEON, PHD, LCSW
8 EXPERT ADVICE
Stepmoms, Partners and Broken Trust 44 EXPERT ADVICE
Why Would He Hide That From Me? Stepmoms & Rare Gems
BY RACHELLE KATZ, EDD, LMFT Find Acceptance by Beginning With Yourself
BY CHRISTINA ROACH, LMHC

11 WORDS OF WISDOM
Addicted to Love—and Drama 47 STEPMOM MEMOIRS

The Stuff Soap Operas Are Made of All or Nothing Moments

BY NINA PHILLIPS Could My Instant Family Slip
Through My Hands Like Sand?
BY TRACI MORENO, PSYD
37 STEPMOM MEMOIRS
Childhood Dreams, Revisited
Being Childless But Still Finding Joy
BY LAURA S. MILAM, MED
 APRIL 2018

FOUNDER AND PUBLISHER

Brenda Ockun
[email protected]

DESIGNER
Jonelle Jones
[email protected]

MANAGING EDITOR
Christine G. Adamo
[email protected]

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Ken Bass
[email protected]

FOR ADVERTISING INFORMATION:

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Our mission is to:

EDUCATE, EMPOWER
and provide EXPERT ADVICE,
Meet April's Cover Girl as well as EMOTIONAL SUPPORT

Julia for women whose partners have

children from past relationships.

Erdkamp Our goal is to:

Julia and her husband, Kevin, have been married for three foster SOLID couples,
years and live in Anaheim Hills, California. She’s a stepmom SUCCESSFUL stepfamilies
to Kevin’s 16-year-old daughter and together they have a
2-year-old son. and STRONG women.

JULIA SAYS: “I am a woman who wears many hats. In addi-

tion to working as a business and tax executive, I am also a
Christian writer, blogger and speaker. I love how God uses
my life experiences to write his love story to others.
“We are a family that is truly blended, in many ways,
with faiths and roots which are: Catholic, Evangelical, Black, @StepMomMagazine
Native American, Irish and German. This makes things com-
plicated, at times. Yet, I have found new areas of ministry, The information and content at StepMom Magazine’s website, its
as we navigate this crazy life of ours. monthly edition(s) and its online forum are not meant to take the
place of advice or counsel obtained from a trained mental health
“As a stepmom, my biggest challenge has been manag- professional, family counseling service or attorney. Please contact
ing everyone’s expectations of what role I should play. It’s a trained professional to obtain specific advice with respect to
one of those weird dynamics where you’re always feeling your particular issue, problem or situation. By accessing the
information and content provided by StepMom Magazine, you
the weight of those expectations and balancing them with acknowledge that neither StepMom Magazine nor its contributing
who you authentically are." writers, staff, affiliates or forum members accept liability for any
act or omission based upon any information or advice contained
JULIA'S PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE: “My personal philosophy is: herein. The opinions expressed on or through this site are the
opinions of the individual authors and may not reflect the opinions
‘Never let success get to your head. Never let failure get to of the publisher, personnel or affiliates of StepMom Magazine.
your heart.’”
StepMom Magazine™ and the graphic logo used in connection
with the magazine and the related website are trademarks of
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Photo Credit: Michael Erdkamp / Michael Jonathan Studios

WHAT I THINK ABOUT ...

Potholes and Promises

I
live in the suburbs of The funny thing is, today?
Rochester, New York. None of those things bother
It’s a small city, in the me in the least. They’re simply
northwestern region of events and emotions in my
the state, that’s sandwiched rearview mirror. Ahead of me,
between Lake Erie and Lake the road looks different. My
Ontario. We get a lot of cold stepkids are older. My chal-
weather and lake effect snow. lenges have changed. There
And, when I say a lot, I’m not will always be potholes but,
exaggerating. given time, I’ve become excel-
People here joke that we lent at navigating through—
only get two seasons: Winter and around—them.
and Road Construction. As the
There are seasons in
temperatures start to warm
nature and in life. The only
and I find myself dodging
guarantee we get is that
potholes created by rock salt
both will change. Storms will
and snowplows, I’m starting to
come. Clouds will clear. Old
agree. It’ll take a few months
patterns will resurface. New
but, eventually, our roads will
ones will sprout up in their
be patched and pristine—by
place. Eventually, most of the
Fall, just in time for Winter,
things which cause us great
when the process begins
stress and frustration wither
again.
As I was proofreading this away. In the end, the best we
edition of StepMom, I noticed can do is patch up the holes
something funny: Almost and move on.
every article I read left me saying, “Yep. Been there. Done Whatever season you’re in, I hope you know we’re here
that. Got the T-shirt!” As Kristen Skiles shares (starting on for you and you can handle this.
pg. 6), I, too, had found my husband’s first wedding album. You’ll survive the potholes. You’ve even discovered detours
It was in a dusty old box in our basement and, at the time, which make the ride less bumpy. StepMom strives to be one
it left me feeling pretty crappy. of those detours. We’ve made a promise, to ourselves, to
Like Nina Phillips describes (on pg. 11), in our early years help you smooth over any rough patches with education,
together, I was heavily addicted to the drama surrounding empowerment, expert advice and emotional support. Stuff
Gregg’s ex. It was like watching a bad soap opera … day after that’ll help you get from Point A to Point B safely.
day! I didn’t know whether to laugh or cry. Being a childfree So, you can weather any storm!
stepmom, like Traci Moreno, I’ve definitely had moments
when I wondered if this leap of faith called stepfamily life Brenda Ockun
would pan out—just as she describes, in her story (see pg. 47). Founder and Publisher

“There are seasons in nature and in life. The only guarantee

we get is that both will change. ... Eventually, most of the things
which cause us great stress and frustration wither away.”

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 VA N TAG E P O I N T | S T E P M O M P E R S P E C T I V E S

Being First Is the Worst!

Embracing My Role as Second Wife and Stepmom

BY KRISTEN SKILES, MBA

M
y boyfriend had just purchased a new my boyfriend had been married to another woman
home and was moving his and his before he met me) couldn’t have been made any
daughter’s belongings into the house. In more apparent than in that moment.
a bid to further ensure my nomination I stopped what I was doing, walked back to where
as “Girlfriend of the Year,” I offered to help unpack. he was—in the master bedroom—and told him I
This was his first time opening some of the boxes needed to run an errand. I got in my car, called my
since his divorce. As a result, I chose my assignments mom and let the tears flow. I’m not his first. I can
carefully. Simply seeing his ex-wife’s handwriting never be his first.
scrawled on cardboard made my stomach churn, so
I opted to tackle an inconspicuous box of movies in FIRST WIFE VS. FIRST CHOICE
the living room. It took me a while to understand that second wife
I sorted adult (PG-13/R-rated) and children’s titles doesn’t mean second choice. My husband’s divorce
into separate baskets, until I looked down to realize wasn’t his decision; he would have stayed with her,
I had picked up his wedding video. Right there, in if she hadn’t insisted they separate. That knowledge
front of me, was my biggest fear: His suit, her dress, left me feeling subpar and insecure. His choice was
their names and their wedding date. to be with her.
It was a punch to the gut. The tears, the inse- Then life changed. They divorced. His heart was
curity, the jealousy … they were uncontainable. broken. He met me and chose to pursue a relation-
The one fact I had worked so hard to ignore (that ship with me, instead. I came to realize that her loss

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 VA N TAG E P O I N T | S T E P M O M P E R S P E C T I V E S

It’s all about perspective.

Today I choose to focus on our firsts.
Our future. Our relationship.

was my gain for so many reasons. wedding to look or feel anything like his first.
First, he wasn’t the same man she had married Admittedly, I sometimes have a difficult time
all of those years before. He had grown throughout coping with the fact my husband won’t experience
their relationship and even more through their his firsts with me—that he experienced those with
divorce. He was wiser and more mature than he had her—but I remind myself that he still gets to have his
ever been, in their relationship, because of and in first times with me.
spite of her. This month marks his first anniversary with me.
Second, his heart was broken—shattered by his When we conceive, it will be his first child with me.
divorce. If he didn’t think I was worth the risk, he Sure, he will have some of the answers to my ques-
wouldn’t have pursued another relationship with the tions or concerns when I’m pregnant. But what good
potential to break his heart. I was worth taking a does an ignorant man do me, anyway? It’s all about
chance on and our love was worth taking a chance perspective.
on, despite the hurt they could bring. Today I choose to focus on our firsts. Our future.
Third, I realized I was the only one comparing Our relationship.
myself to her. I can’t wish away his first marriage. Without it, I’d
He wasn’t comparing us. His ex certainly wasn’t be married to an entirely different man. I wouldn’t
comparing us. Just me. I was the only one wondering have the stepdaughter I so adore. I wouldn’t be
if I cooked a dinner that was as healthy or as tasty as mature of a woman and a wife as I am with my
as hers were. The only one wondering if I laughed at husband.
the same number of his jokes. Wondering, even, if I I got the privilege to marry the man I call my
was as pretty. husband because I’m his second wife. It’s an oppor-
I was my own worst enemy and harshest critic. tunity, not a curse. Perhaps being second truly is
Finally, I realized that none of those comparisons best! O
matter. My role is truly unique. No one—not even my
stepdaughter’s mom—can fill the position I’m in. She
can’t love this man and help mend his heart post-
divorce. She doesn’t love a child who’s not biologi-
cally hers.
My role, as a second wife and stepmom, is
uniquely mine.

WE’LL HAVE OUR OWN FIRSTS

Yes, I missed out on many of the typical firsts. My KRISTEN SKILES, MBA, is a
first wedding was my husband’s second. My first graduate of Pepperdine and West
Texas A&M universities who runs
child will be my husband’s second. When my step-
on coffee, wine and Amazon
daughter comes to me with a fever, he’ll already Prime. She believes stepmom-
know how to respond because he was there for the ming is what we do; not who we
first go around. are. Through Stepmomming.com,
I mourn for the firsts I missed. I long for the she offers guidance for overwhelmed stepmoms and
encourages them to write their own happily ever afters.
traditional narrative, where my husband and I lie
An Air Force wife and stepmom, Kristen and her step-
awake during my pregnancy overanalyzing every daughter’s mother are, as she describes it, “co-parents,
detail. I cringe when I think of how I didn’t want my best friends, business partners” and former roommates.

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 E X P E R T A DV I C E | T H E T H E R A P I S T I S I N

Stepmoms, Partners
and Broken Trust
Why Would He Hide That From Me?

BY RACHELLE KATZ, EDD, LMFT

Q: My husband, Frank, and I

are both 62. We have been
married for 12 years. While I
don’t have any children, Frank
has a 30-year-old, married son from his first
disturbed that he chose to form an alliance
with his son and daughter-in-law, in keeping
this secret from me. I no longer trust Frank.
How should I handle this?

marriage. - Betsy
By chance, I discovered that Frank had
gone behind my back and given my stepson
and his wife a sizeable amount of money
toward a down payment for a house they
recently purchased. Prior to my discovery,
Frank and I had several conversations
about whether we should help them out
financially.
I was against it. I strongly felt that they
didn’t deserve our help, because they
have consistently been rude and disre-
spectful toward me. Plus, they earn more
money than we do. I feel we need to save
our money for our imminent retirement. I
thought I made a convincing argument to
turn them down and believed Frank agreed
with me.
Imagine my surprise when, while looking
for some other papers, I stumbled upon a

A:
secret bank account he’s been keeping—
from which he wrote them a check for
Dear Betsy,
$10,000. To me, this is a huge sum of money According to many relationship
to give them without my consent, not to experts, money (more than any other
mention the fact that Frank had kept this topic) causes the most conflicts for
money hidden from me. couples. Besides having differing opinions about how
I am upset that he did this. I’m equally to spend or save money, we often view the way our

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 E X P E R T A DV I C E | T H E T H E R A P I S T I S I N

Being open with each other about your

attitudes and feelings regarding money can
be cathartic and healing.

partners handle money as symbolic of their love for knowledge or consent? While you are currently upset
us. over what Frank did, let’s look at why he gave his son
When they hide how much money they have, or and daughter-in-law money without your knowledge.
choose to spend money in ways which don’t benefit
us, we naturally wonder if they love us. Cracks then REGAIN A SENSE OF CONTROL.
develop in the foundations of our relationships. Let’s Being objective may help you regain a sense of
dig a bit deeper into your own situation. control over this situation.
Is it possible Frank wanted to give his son and
SECRETS, TRUST & BETRAYAL his daughter-in-law money but couldn’t stand up to
I know you feel as if Frank betrayed your trust, both your objections? Could he have felt trapped between
by keeping a secret bank account and by giving his a rock and a hard place? Without realizing it, might
son and daughter-in-law money behind your back. you have strong-armed him into agreeing to a deci-
But is it possible Frank believes he is entitled to sion he wasn’t happy with? If so, he may have given
have a secret stash of money, which he can spend into your wishes just to avoid conflict.
in whatever way he wishes and without getting your Perhaps he didn’t have the energy or the strength
permission first? to continue fighting with you—or feel safe standing
If so, in his mind, he hasn’t done anything wrong. his ground, where money matters are concerned.
You need to find out Frank’s reasons for keeping For the sake of fairness, try asking yourself this: Do
a separate bank account. Being open with each I, at times, express my feelings so strongly that my
other about your attitudes and feelings regarding husband is intimidated by the idea of arguing against
money can be cathartic and healing. If he believes me or my wishes?
it’s acceptable to keep a separate bank account and There are other possibilities worth considering.
spend his money anyway he wishes, you might find Was he motivated by persistent guilt over the
this difficult to accept. effects his earlier split had on his son? Sometimes
Nevertheless, you can ask him to be more open referred to as Daddy Guilt, such an experience is not
with you going forward—since keeping secrets can be uncommon among divorced and re-partnered men.
damaging to a relationship. By contrast, transparency He may even feel ashamed at not having played a
reduces anxiety and builds trust. Let’s assume Frank larger role in his son’s upbringing.
knew you would be hurt, if you found out that he Without asking him, all of this is simply guess-
had a secret bank account and had given money to work—but it’s a start.
his son and daughter-in-law anyway. While I’m not suggesting this is true, your own
If so, he betrayed your trust by hiding assets and prior reactions to conflict may have unintentionally
by behaving deceitfully. He told you one thing and encouraged Frank to keep secrets from you. If you
then did something else. To compound matters, react strongly or quickly, becoming angry during
Frank would have then colluded with his son and bouts of heated discussion with Frank, you may have
daughter-in-law to keep this a secret. Naturally you contributed to his decision to button up.
are forced to re-evaluate his character and question Yet, you can still help him feel safe expressing his
his commitment to you and your marriage. own viewpoints. Begin to moderate your responses
If all of the above is true, his behavior rocked the from here on out, so that he doesn’t go behind your
foundation of your marriage. back in the future. For example, during difficult
In addition, it would leave you wondering: “If conversations, speak to him calmly and rationally.
he did this, what else has he kept from me?” Has This will give him the opportunity to present his
he given his son money, in the past, without your opinion without getting sidetracked by emotions.

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 E X P E R T A DV I C E | T H E T H E R A P I S T I S I N

COMMUNICATE MORE CLEARLY. may include sharing financial records, emails and
In your letter, you wrote: “I thought I made a text exchanges with you so that you can feel safe and
convincing argument to turn them down and believed secure again.
Frank agreed with me.” Thoughts and beliefs are If you and Frank continue to struggle with commu-
powerful things, Betsy, but they’re no substitution for nication and trust, consider seeing a marriage and
fact. If you knew deep down that your position was family counselor who can help you learn how to share
clear and that Frank was on board, I’m inclined to your feelings, listen to one another and respond to
think your wording would have reflected this. each other with respect and compassion. Counseling
Clear communication is the most important can also help you learn to be more direct and honest
ingredient in a loving, satisfying relationship. To have with one another, as you work to patch up any cracks
a productive conversation with your partner, it is which have compromised the strength of your rela-
preferable to focus on your feelings rather than be tionship’s foundation.
judgmental and/or critical of his behavior. You don’t If for some reason Frank isn’t interested in or ready
want Frank to feel as if he’s being attacked any more for counseling, go alone. The benefits you’ll gain from
than you want to feel that way. it will still improve your marriage. You might also
So, avoid beginning your conversation about this make a practice of daily meditation, which is highly
with, “Did you give your son money behind my back?” effective at helping us regulate our emotions and keep
or, “Why did you hide this bank account from me?” cool when stress and tension flare up.
Making accusatory statements will only lead Frank to Your relationship with your partner can grow
react defensively or potentially shut down. It will also stronger and closer, as a result of having dealt with
escalate rather than resolve the tension between you. these challenges. Your desire to find a solution and to
A better way to start the conversation is by making handle this maturely is proof of that.
a statement like, “Something I discovered is upset-
ting me. I’m concerned and [saddened, hurt, frus- I HOPE THAT'S WHAT HAPPENS FOR YOU!
trated] about finding out that you gave your son
and daughter-in-law money from a special account - Rachelle O
without telling me. I’d like to talk with you about this.”
I also suggest adding, “I want our relationship to be
the best it can possibly be. To achieve this, I’ll always
be honest with you. Can you commit to being honest
with me, going forward, even if it’s difficult?” These
statements express good intentions and a desire to
make decisions which are mutually-beneficial.

BUILD A FOUNDATION OF TRUST.

Encourage Frank to tell you his reasons for keeping
secrets. Why wasn’t he able to be honest with you?
Ask him what you can do, if anything, to help him be
more open and truthful. Consider apologizing to him RACHELLE KATZ, EDD, LMFT, is a
for creating a climate which made it difficult for him stepmother coach and duly trained and
licensed marriage and family therapist.
to be honest and then promise to make it easier for In addition to her work as a psycho-
him to tell the truth, in the future. therapist, she plays an active role in
With regard to Frank’s past decisions he has some the stepmom community—leading a
work ahead of him, as he rebuilds your trust. He has monthly support group in NYC and run-
to be willing to discuss difficult topics with you and to ning workshops for stepmothers and their partners. Rachelle
authored the self-help guide “The Happy Stepmother” and
overcome any tendency he may have to avoid conflict. her website, StepsforStepmothers.com, is a place where
He must commit to being more open with you, by stepmothers can support, encourage and advise each other.
sharing his feelings and other details of his life. That Feel free to email [email protected].

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 WO R D S O F W I S DO M | S T E P M O M I N S I G H T

Addicted to Love—and Drama

The Stuff Soap Operas Are Made of

BY NINA PHILLIPS

W
hen I was in college, taking a winning. I noted the way I was feeling and told
psychology class, my professor myself that whenever I felt that way again I needed
laughed out these words during a to keep my mouth shut.
class discussion: “Well, you know, huh, I’m embarrassed to admit that I behaved that way.
huh, … when you hate something about someone I’m embarrassed just thinking about it. It went on
else, huh, huh … it usually means they embody for more than a year. I wouldn’t own up to it at all if
something you hate about yourself.” I’ve carried this I didn’t think you could relate or find my stepmom
comment around with me for years and it’s taught experience normal. Plus, admitting to it now could
me more about myself than I wish to admit. help another family: Yours!

CALL ME MOTHER SUPERIOR DIVORCE: THE OUTSIDE VIEW

In the early years of stepmotherhood, part of me
A few years ago, my brother-in-law and his wife
loved to hear stories about my husband’s ex-wife’s
divorced.
insane doings. These stories entertained me. Heck,
they made me feel great about myself! For example,
I’ve never stabbed anybody. I mean, that’s a contest
I’m easily winning by a mile. It was exhilarating to
know I shined, as a wonderful human specimen,
when compared to the ex.
Though he didn’t know it while he was doing it,
it was my husband who helped me realize that I was
addicted to hearing the latest drama—and feeling
superior. I was drawn to the drama in the way my
aunt had loved watching “Days of Our Lives.” Ahhh,
like sands through the hourglass! I wanted to know
all of the horrible things my husband’s ex had said
about us in each day’s email.
I was riveted. It shocked me. It made me laugh.
For me, it truly was like watching a soap opera.
One day, as my husband was filling me in on his daily
ex-wife drama, he said, “Please don’t ask me any
questions. I don’t want to think about my ex-wife
anymore. It makes me tired and anxious.” Oh, good-
ness! I was beginning to think they were normal
states of being. What was wrong with me?
I suddenly realized that, while he felt terrible
talking about those difficult ex-wife emails and
shenanigans, listening to him talk about them
made me feel like laughing. In, fact I was laughing.
I was feeling great. I was in competition—and I was

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His ex is a fine mom and I like her very much. from their mom’s home because they once ate cake
She’s a science teacher and has a way of helping kids before coming over to your house for dinner?” I’m
learn so that it’s fun. She has her children do chores. feeling annoyance and a bit of hatred swimming in
She takes them to dance and gym classes. She my stomach along with all those holiday trimmings.
provides homemade meals and takes her kids on bike I mentally dig through the “Psychology Class
rides. Is she perfect? Nope. None of us are. Discussion” file lodged in my brain to find that
There I was, lounging with my husband’s family in comment made by my professor. I have undoubtedly
the living room, after a holiday meal. The word family made this same complaint, when I played the New
now includes my brother-in-law’s new girlfriend. I Girlfriend role. I have sounded just like this. They
don’t know her well—but I’m sure she’s a fine person. keep going. The girls get “too much screen time at
She doesn’t have any parenting experience, but she’ll their mom’s.” Ugh, I’ve used that complaint, too.
get it! I sort of cackle inwardly at the arrival of this I make a new mental note. Looking in the mirror
thought. (That’s not very nice of me, I know.) hurts. Owww!
I wake up from my inward cackle and start
listening to the living room chatter again. New STEPMOMS WITH REASON TO CRY
Girlfriend is talking about how, when she’s done with At this point in stepmotherhood, I have a fair number
school, she’ll move into my brother-in-law’s house. of stepmom friends whose own stories have floored
That’s fine. That’s expected. But she keeps going and, me. I’m about to lose it in my husband’s parents'
as she speaks, my brother-in-law is nodding. Once living room. I want to growl, “Did you know that
they’re living together, they’ll get the girls more of there are mothers in this world who pose an actual
the time. threat to their kids? Moms who have tried to commit
Hmmm, I’m suddenly a little uncomfortable. I suicide and been found by their confused children?
can’t quite place a finger on why. There’s no reason Moms who have manic episodes and do dangerous
why, when they divorce, two good parents shouldn’t things with their kids? Moms who emotionally abuse
split the kids 50/50. That’s often great for the kids! their children?”
So, what’s my problem? I keep listening and get the I literally want to stand up and scream, “Do
feeling that the heart of this plan isn’t really about you have any clue how low on the list of offenses
Dad spending more time with his daughters. sugar and screen time are?! There are families out
He’s really busy with work. It doesn’t make sense there with serious problems. There are stepmoms
for him to try to have his girls half of the time. He out there who cry every night because they are so
knows that and is OK with that. How much we love exhausted from dealing with children who carry
our children is not necessarily expressed by how their moms’ problems into their dads’ homes!”
much time we get to spend with them. Sure, not Eventually there’s a pause in the conversation. I’m
seeing his daughters every day hurts my brother- sure New Girlfriend is expecting us all to agree with
in-law. But he believes they’re better off with the her. I look at my brother-in-law and then glance
schedule they have in place now. in his girlfriend’s general direction. I plan on being
It’s a sacrifice he makes because he’s a loving polite. I really do. I actually keep from growling or
father. screaming, though my emotions come pouring out of
my eyes—in the form of tears. Oh, great.
MIRROR, MIRROR … OWWW! Now I’m making a scene. (Cut. Print!)
Is New Girlfriend planning on disrupting my nieces’
custody schedule? A routine that has been working MY MOUTH WON’T STAY SHUT
and is creating two wonderful humans … because—I My voice level remains normal, as I launch in: “If
heard the words come out of her mouth, folks—she you think their screen time and sugar intake would
doesn’t think the girls “get enough exercise with concern their pediatrician, then take action. Maybe
their mom and they eat too much junk" food? My have the pediatrician talk to your ex? But take them
brother-in-law continued to nod supportively. away from their mom? I’m not so sure eating sugar
This exercise-and-junk-food complaint is a story justifies that kind of action. I think you’re making
that contains a lot of examples. I’m on the couch decisions from a place of competition.”
thinking, “Wait, are you contemplating removing kids There. I said what I felt needed to be said.

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 WO R D S O F W I S DO M | S T E P M O M I N S I G H T

If you’re talking
your husband
into taking action
regarding your
stepkids, you need
to make sure
that it’s spurred
by LOVE and the
CHILDREN’S BEST
INTERESTS .

I heard that hint of soap opera addiction bubbling However, I let that defense evolve into something
up in New Girlfriend’s stories and tried to help. I ugly. Into my own, little, ridiculously-easy-to-win
probably failed. I definitely succeeded in making competition with the ex. I hope I didn’t inadvertently
myself a horror story New Girlfriend could tell her influence any really big decisions from that holier
friends about. From her point of view, I’m what every than thou place.
new stepmom doesn’t want to deal with: I just stuck Still, playing Mother Superior couldn’t have made
up for the ex-wife. Publicly. me a better, kinder woman. While I’m embarrassed
In doing so, I basically ignored her and addressed to have taken on that role with zeal, I hope my
Dad. Poor New Girlfriend had to deal with all of that saying so now will save another good woman from
while at her future-in-laws’ place. If I had it to do suffering the same mistake and the embarrassment
again, I would have waited and said something later. that accompanies it. O
Not in front of everyone. But, I felt like I needed to
say something.
The moral of this story? Learn from my mistakes.
If you’re talking your husband into taking action
regarding your stepkids, you need to make sure that
it’s spurred by love and the children’s best interests.
I know that sounds simple and obvious, but I think
it’s a mistake that’s too easy to make. The soap opera NINA PHILLIPS is new to the StepMom Magazine team
level entertainment was, for me, partially a defense but a long-time stepmom of one. She’s also a mom to
mechanism. “an adorable” ours baby. When she’s not contemplating
the meaning of life or mulling over the wholesale price of
I needed to insert laughter where crying or
soybeans in the Midwestern U.S., Nina likes to leverage
feeling terrified would have gone. I needed a her comedic chops and channel her stage presence in
laugh track to distract me from feeling distraught. articles which explore topics of importance to stepmoms.

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APRIL 2018 • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE • www.StepMomMagazine.com
The Childless
Stepmom
6 WAYS TO
COPE WITH
INFERTILITY
BY KELLY PALMQUIST, MSW

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H
ow many times have you been asked, “Do you
2. Consider sharing—or not.
have any children?” For as many times as I’ve
been asked (hint: a lot), I still feel uncomfort- It’s OK to educate others on your circumstance, if you
able each and every time. My heart drops to want to. I personally pick and choose whom I share
with. For most, I simply respond, “No little ones yet!”
my belly and I feel a lump in my throat. I then explain that
With others I take time to inform them about my condi-
I have a 17-year-old stepson who lives with us full-time.
tions. It is really a matter of your own comfort level, but
My response is most frequently followed by, “So, do
you plan to have children of your own?” Raise your hand educating others can offer them an opportunity to take
if you’ve been asked that. I thought so. In the minds of a more empathetic approach.
many, being without biological children equates to being If educating others isn’t your thing, it’s OK not to
“childless.” Yet, some stepmoms are without biological share your story. It is more than acceptable to protect
children, or childfree, by choice. this very vulnerable aspect of your life. Of your private
Others of us are childless by circumstance. I person- life, no less. You do not have to answer any questions
ally do not consider myself to be childless. (After all, I am you do not want to. Period. Develop a script that works
a stepmom.) But, in the eyes of society, I’m often viewed for you. Your body, your business. Your family is sacred
as less than compared to counterparts who are deemed and you owe no one an explanation.
to be “real moms.”
I have both Endometriosis and Polycystic Ovarian
Syndrome. As you can imagine, the fertility odds are
3. Allow yourself to grieve.
not in my favor. In many ways, I’ve come to a place of The pain and loss associated with issues of infertility are
acceptance with this reality, but the continual pressures very real. Give yourself the space to grieve, if you need
to have biological children can make maintaining this to. Consider seeking support from loved ones, friends,
acceptance challenging. support groups or a qualified family counselor who
Stepmoms who are without biological children face a understands stepmom issues well. There will be good and
unique burden in mom-centric societies. bad days, peaks and valleys. Allow yourself to experience
Some might say there is a scale of “mom-ness,” which the emotions you face.
places stepmoms below mothers of biological or adopted Grief is known to ebb and flow. There may be times
children. From people saying things like, “I can’t wait until when you feel fine and other times when you feel as if
you’re a real mom,” to, “Do you want your own children?” life is crashing down around you. The depth of your grief
to, my personal favorite, “You’ll get it, when you’re a over having a body that doesn’t work like others do can, at
mom someday,” there is always a reminder there. On a times, take your breath away. By allowing yourself space
scale of 1-to-full-blown-mommyhood, I somehow rank to grieve, you give yourself the ability to cope with your
below others. situation on even the hardest of days.
Those comments are both hurtful and minimizing of
the stepmother role. As childless stepmoms dealing with
infertility, we are constantly face-to-face with our most 4. Lean on other stepmoms.
painful reality. From school functions to family gather- When I first began dating my now husband, I spent a
ings, we are consistently being reminded that we are lot of time picking the brain of my friend Nikki. At the
without. Given all of this, what can we do? time, she was a stepmom without biological children.
I say try following these six tips and strategies. They Since then, she and her partner have been blessed with
work for me! another child: an “ours” baby. One of the best pieces of
advice she ever gave me was, “Comparison is hell. You’ll
1. You’re more than enough. drive yourself crazy!” Words to live by.
While some may view stepmothers who are childless as Recently I asked Nikki how, in her experience, being
less than, I’m here to tell you that you are more than. a stepmom differs from being a mom. She said that both
You take on more than most. You love more than most. her son and her stepson are special to her. Still, knowing
You sacrifice more than most. Taking on the responsi- that her stepson doesn’t have to love her but chooses to
bility of caring for and, in some cases, raising another show affection is something to be grateful for. Leaning on
person’s child requires a selflessness which most people stepmoms who’ve “been there, done that” for guidance
are incapable of. can offer us much-needed perspective.

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 5. Celebrate what you have.
STEPMOMS & While this may not be the life you’ve imagined, you just

INFERTILITY may have been given an opportunity to live it a different

way. I’m thankful I can experience parenting through the
lens of a stepparent. I would be lying if I said facing my
Kelly Palmquist, MSW, recommends the circumstance isn’t painful. It is! However, the unique and
following resources for any stepmom who special relationship I have with my stepchild is something
wants to know more about infertility or I’m eternally grateful for.
In my view, it’s given me seven years of practice.
is seeking help with related concerns.
Learning to gracefully shift a few of my own concerns
to the back burner has taught me to be more selfless.
My experiences have prepared me—should we have the
opportunity to welcome another child into our home. I
Print & Audio see that as something to celebrate. Find what’s worth
celebrating in your own circumstance and embrace it.
“Unsung Lullabies: Understanding and Coping
With Infertility,” by Janet Jaffe, PhD, Martha Ourieff
Diamond, PhD, and David J. Diamond, PhD (Print) 6. Practice self-care often.
It is important to take care of yourself. Participating in
“When You’re Not Expecting: An Infertility Survival
acts of self-care, whether they be big or small, allows
Guide,” by Constance Hoenk Shapiro, MSW, PhD
you to recharge your battery so that you can take on
(Print)
the stressors in your life. Still, serenity is not achieved
“Enhancing Fertility With Music and Imagery,” without practice and self-care doesn’t happen magically.
by Carol Fulwiler Jones, MA (Audio) Make a conscious effort to address your needs for
self-care, in order to move toward acceptance of your
situation. I find that journaling, meditation and yoga have
Web Links been helpful self-care methods which continually allow
Infertility support & resources (women’s/men’s) me the ability to cope with my circumstance.
RESOLVE: The Nat’l. Infertility Assoc.
Resolve.org, use www. for best results WHAT’S NEXT?
Facebook.com/ResolveInfertilityOrg/ There’s no right way to face being a childless stepmom.
That being said, though, I hope these suggestions ease
A portal of information, fact sheets, etc.
your burdens as they have mine. You truly are a one-
U.S. Dept. of Health & Human Svcs.
of-a-kind woman. At the end of the day, know that your
Office on Women’s Health
experience is as wonderfully crafted as you are.
WomensHealth.gov
Take solace in the fact that you’ve survived your past,
Infertility coach/consultant blog & website you thrive in your present and you can look toward the
Psychotherapist Carol Fulwiler Jones, MA future with hope for what is yet to come. O
See also Print & Audio (above)
TheInfertilityCounselor.com

KELLY PALMQUIST, MSW, is a stepmom and licensed social worker. Her unique perspective on navigat-
ing life’s challenges is also informed by Master’s degrees in counseling and social work, plus extensive
work in the fields of mental health and long-term care. Her blog encourages “surviving the storm with
gratitude, grace and joy” to then thrive. Kelly enjoys empowering women to find their magic in the face of
adversity. Online at SunshineInHeavyWeather.com.

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 Full-Time
Stepmoms
Strategies for Stepping
Up Without Getting Your
Heart Stomped on
BY BRENDA SNYDER, LCSW

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T
he stepmom gig is changing. For many step- important issues, greater influence.
families, gone are the days when his (or her) As that’s not likely your current reality, my first bit of
kids showed up as every-other-weekend visi- advice is to guard your heart.
tors; when they sucked up your household’s Harsh as it may sound, as a stepmom, you have to keep
attention, energy and resources for a few days at a parts of yourself to yourself. Though there may be times
time—during which everything seemed to screech to when it seems like it couldn’t possibly be true, if the kids
a halt, shift and evolve to suit the disruption. Though, ever get a chance to choose their mom over you? They
they were relatively absent the other 20-some days in probably will. This isn’t about you or your relationship
any given month. with them. It’s about the psychological dynamic between
Children of divorce now frequently split their time a biological mother and her children.
evenly between parents and, increasingly, they have Some of it can be explained by attachment theory
begun living with their fathers full time. There are many and how psychosocial development—outlined nicely in
reasons why this is a positive sign of changing times. stages identified by Erik and Joan Erickson—occurs. Yet,
Yet, it is also true that this evolution has begun to have if those two things explained the whole phenomenon,
a significant effect on stepmoms. then stepmoms or other caregivers who are present from
There are pitfalls to be aware of, when you suddenly children’s infancy wouldn’t suffer the consequences of
find yourself stepmothering full-time. this reality. And suffer they often do.
Any stepmom who’s attempted to educate herself The “mother wound” seems to be significantly more
about being successful in her damaging than the classic
role knows that she’s not to “daddy issues” kids deal with
take the place of Mom, either in during and as a result of
her own mind or in her inter-
actions with her stepchildren. guarding your heart ... divorce. Given that, it would
seem to be a much better plan
This becomes seriously difficult to ensure that kids of divorce
when you’re literally stepping spend most or all of their time
up as a female head of house-
hold whose nurturing nature
involves maintaining a with their fathers. Still, the
ensuing emotional difficulties
and natural abilities catapult are very real for them.
you into the role of Comforter.
Chances are it’s you who’ll realistic view of what your Children who suffer this
wound tend to either emotion-
kiss their boo-boos and plan ally detach (and, thus, have
their play dates. You’ll be the difficulty developing closeness
one who knows who’s supposed relationship is. And isn't. with others) or to become
emotionally-dependent. This
to be where and how they’re
expected to get there. You’ll second pattern is the more
continue to do the majority of difficult for stepmothers to
the shopping, the gift selection navigate, because it often leads
and the party planning. How can you possibly do all of to enmeshed and co-dependent attachment to any avail-
that, as a full-time stepmom, and not risk taking Mom’s able mother figure: you.
place—in one way or another? It’s easy to buy into that illusion of closeness only to
Managing physical custody of your stepkids, while be devastated, when the stepchild you love or care for so
maintaining healthy boundaries, requires that you much dashes off at the first opportunity to re-establish a
cultivate the ability to guard your heart, work through connection with her mother. When that doesn’t pan out,
discipline issues, keep any feelings of resentment to a back to your arms she comes. And so it goes.
minimum and remind yourself that this, too, shall pass. Yet, guarding your heart is not the same as playing out
the cruel, evil, witch paradigm of which you are so often
accused. It involves maintaining a realistic view of what
Guard Your Heart your relationship is. And isn’t. If your wounded stepchild
If I had my choice, every stepmom would have her turn plays out her pain by detaching and mistrusting, this
at stepmothering full-time. Why? I personally believe insight can help you avoid taking her reactions person-
that having physical custody of my stepkids was better ally. Ironically the same advice applies with the overly-
for us than it would have been to only have them around attached stepchild.
some of the time. What we gained out the experience was Understand what your relationship is and you’ll be
greater control over our schedule and, when it came to better off for it.

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APRIL 2018 • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE • www.StepMomMagazine.com
 Stepmoms have every right to enforce household rules and
to carry out punishments which are already in place.

My oldest stepdaughter acknowledges now that she really important that you use the time you spend behind
spent her teenage years consumed with anger and pain. that door well. Stepmoms have every right to enforce
Suffering mightily from the emotional abandonment household rules and to carry out punishments which are
of her mother, she was difficult to like. Initially I tried already in place. If the penalty for forgetting to unload
my hardest with her. I shopped for her favorite foods, the dishwasher is to take away screen time, it doesn’t
presented her with fun activities, helped her with her matter if Dad is home or not.
homework or chores and overlooked her snubs and That’s the established punishment and it’s within your
outbursts. rights to enforce it.
When my resentment became almost all-consuming, It is also more important for stepcouples versus tradi-
I stopped and consciously took a step back. When she tional, or first-family couples, to have those closed-door
questioned why I was no longer rearranging my schedule agreements about expectations and consequences. Your
to drive two hours to watch her play basketball, I told stepchildren should be made aware of any rules you, as
her. Now she is 33, married and has two children of her a couple, agree on outside of their earshot. Dad is the
own. We get along fine but we are not close. I survived spokesperson but he needs to make it clear that all rules
her teenage years and I honestly don’t think we would are enforceable by either of you.
be any closer if I had kept killing myself to win her over. It is perfectly reasonable to include an expectation
On the flipside, my youngest stepdaughter experi- of polite, civil behavior toward you—their stepmom—as
enced her mom’s abandonment with the sort of depen- it relates to that list of rules. Be aware that this might
dency that is an exact opposite reaction to her sister’s. mean a child is expected to acknowledge your pres-
She craved maternal affection. She allowed me to tuck ence when you enter a room. However, they are not
her in at night, cuddle with her and otherwise develop necessarily required to engage in prolonged or pleasant
what I thought was a maternal bond. My relationship conversation with you.
with her, while fulfilling at the time, eventually caused me When things come up which aren’t already stated on
more pain. Time and time again I witnessed her desperate your list of House Rules and Dad’s not home to consult
attempts to win her mom over. with, you can point out the infraction and let the child
Even if that meant changing our plans or lying to Mom know that you’ll speak to Dad about an appropriate
to shed negative light on me. consequence. As the adult in the home, however, you
have the right to use your best judgment. Yes, even in
Dad’s absence.
What About Discipline? Let’s say your stepchild brings a friend home after
The next piece of advice you often hear on the heels of, school which, in your case, is well-established “home-
“Don’t try to be their Mom!” is usually, “Leave the disci- work time.” Since you and your husband have done a
pline to their father.” How realistic is that, when you’re good job of informing the kids about the rules, it will be
the one who is home with them a majority of the time? no surprise to your stepdarling when you remind her that
Are you really supposed to abdicate authority in your she is not to bring friends home without permission and
own home? My answer is, “No, of course not.” You are during time already prescribed for homework.
always a full-fledged adult, in your own home, and need Decide how to handle the situation, in the moment:
to engender the respect duly accorded to any adult or Take the friend home, have the two of them do home-
other caregiver. work together, whatever. But do bring the situation to
Stepfamilies are unique, however, in that stepmoms Dad, when he gets home, and decide together what the
are 50/50 partners only behind closed doors. So, it is consequence will be for not following your House Rules.

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APRIL 2018 • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE • www.StepMomMagazine.com
 How About Resentment?
If you make a point of The bitter feeling of heart-hardening resentment is a sign
that you’re doing too much.

limiting what you do, It also indicates that you might have unrealistic expec-
tations related to payback for your efforts. In my experi-
ence, kids are selfish beasts. When they’re your biological
children, you don’t mind this nearly so much. But every

based on your own single thing you do for your stepchildren is a favor to
their father and chances are slim that even he’s good at
acknowledging your efforts.

values and beliefs, their

You may sometimes think his kids are ungrateful. At
times, yes, they are. When I transitioned from my single-
girl, disposable-income lifestyle to moving in with my
husband and his four kids, I thought they should have

ingratitude won’t matter so fallen down on their knees with gratitude. After all, I
was the one who paid their dentist bills and bought their
basketball sneakers. (They certainly didn’t.)
Kids don’t think that way, so it’s up to you to draw
much anymore—if at all. boundaries around what you are and are not willing to
do for them. Then stick to your guns. Remember, “No,”
is a complete sentence. You don’t have to justify or make
excuses for why you will or won’t do this or that. If you
make a point of limiting what you do, based on your own
values and beliefs, their ingratitude won’t matter so much
anymore—if at all.

Being a stepmom is never an easy job. If you find your-

self doing it full-time, focus on the increased opportunity
you have to form a cohesive stepfamily unit. Allow your-
self to get close, while safeguarding your heart. Set and
maintain boundaries you can live comfortably with. And
have faith in your ability to address discipline issues the
same way any responsible adult would.
Spend less time stewing in resentment and more time
being a couple. Remind yourself that this, too, shall pass.
They grow up, eventually. I promise. Most of the time,
they even move out! O

BRENDA SNYDER, LCSW has been a licensed therapist for more than 20 years and offers in-person
and web coaching for stepmoms. A residential stepmother herself since 1998, she and husband Steve
have led his four children to adulthood and have one daughter, 17. A “Grammy” to four boys, Brenda
finally enjoys lovely and uncomplicated relationships with their parents. More information about Brenda
and her services is available at StepmotherSupport.com.

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APRIL 2018 • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE • www.StepMomMagazine.com
 You knew it wouldn’t be easy,
but you never thought it would be

You found the love of your life, and you vowed to have, to
hold and to stepmother. You always thought that in time you’d
grow to be the perfect, loving family. So why does it seem
that the harder you try, the more unappreciated you feel?

RACHELLE KATZ, ED.D., LMFT, is a marriage and family

therapist and the author of “The Happy Stepmother,” living
in New York City. She knows all too well how challenging
stepmotherhood can be.

She can help you:

⊲ Alleviate stress and take care
of yourself
⊲ Bond with your new family
⊲ Set and enforce clear
boundaries
⊲ Get the respect you deserve
⊲ Strengthen your relationship

Rachelle offers:
Stepmother coaching ses-
sions—in person, via Skype,
Facetime or by telephone.

For a limited time receive a free autographed copy of

Rachelle’s book “The Happy Stepmother” after your first
paid session!

Contact Rachelle by email at [email protected]

or by phone at 212-460-5996 for more information.

ADVERTISEMENT
 EXPERT ADVICE
ON PARENTAL
ALIENATION
Amy J. L. Baker,
PhD, Speaks With
StepMom Magazine
BY KRISTEN WILKINSON, PSYD

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S
everal different phenomena arise when a couple professionals.
divorces, just as when a stepfamily forms. Many I take great pride and satisfaction in being able to
of these experiences are so common that they share what I have learned through my research with
actually have a scientific or scholarly name people, in practical and concrete ways. One of my most
assigned to them. Parental Alienation fits within this memorable experiences was at a talk I gave for my first
category. book, “Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome:
Alienation occurs when a married couple with chil- Breaking the Ties That Bind.” A tearful woman approached
dren divorces and one parent influences those children me, clutching my book. She told me that pg. 153 had
to either fear, be angry with, act hostile toward or avoid saved her life.
spending time with the other parent. Sometimes? All of I probably don’t recall the page number correctly,
them combined. It’s the act of turning a child against their but I do recall that my book gave her hope that her
other parent, whether or not divorce is a factor. child—whom she loved so much and who was currently
Parental Alienation & Hostile-Aggressive Parenting adamantly rejecting her—still loved her and needed her
Awareness Day is April 25th. to not give up on him and their relationship.
There’s no better way to bring this important issue I will never forget the experience of seeing that some-
to the forefront than to interview Amy J. L. Baker, PhD. thing I had written could impact someone’s life.
A recognized researcher, author and coach, Baker is
well-versed in Parental Alienation Syndrome and has KRISTEN: One of your newest titles is “Co-Parenting
written or co-written—not one nor two but—eight books With a Toxic Ex.”
on this very topic. To say she’s an expert is, well, an AMY: This book is the culmination of the parenting tips
understatement. and techniques I have developed specifically for targeted
parents. It is very clear to me that being a targeted parent,
(that is, when) the other parent is trying to turn your child
against you, is a unique situation and that common-sense
KRISTEN: Tell us about your path to becoming a
parenting and advice, even (if received from profes-
researcher.
sionals), will actually make the situation worse, not better.
AMY: When I was a teenager, I read a book written Targeted parents need Parental Alienation-specific
by the late Pediatrician and Child Advocate Dr. Vincent advice and feedback, in order to avoid the many land-
J. Fontana, MD. The book so moved me that I had a mines they encounter. For example, when a child wrongly
light bulb moment. I, too, wanted to devote my life to accuses a targeted parent of some misdeed—stealing the
advocating for and protecting abused and maltreated child’s college money, ruining the family, not listening and
children. It was as if I had been struck by lightning; the so forth—the common-sense reaction would be to say
connection I felt to the book and to the topic of child to the child, “That’s not true,” or, “Who told you that?”
protection was so strong. and to proceed to tell the child that s-/he is mistaken
I eventually went to graduate school, obtained my in the belief.
PhD in developmental psychology and found my calling However, this often backfires and results in the child
in conducting research on parent/child relationships. feeling less close, loved and safe with the targeted parent.
In 2004, I was appointed as the Director of Research at Thus, what seems like the right response is actually
the Fontana Center for Child Protection, the organiza- counterproductive in cases of Parental Alienation. So, the
tion that was founded by Dr. Fontana himself. I had the book provides alienation-specific feedback and advice for
opportunity to tell him, personally, what an inspiration targeted parents (which they can then apply to) specific
he had been to me in my life’s journey. Parental Alienation situations. One of the best parts of
writing the book is that I got to write it with my husband
KRISTEN: So far, you’ve been involved with eight Paul Fine, LCSW!
book projects! What inspired you to write and become
a published author? KRISTEN: In it, you discuss effective cognitive restruc-
turing techniques for combatting negative thoughts,
AMY: It is important to me that the findings from my which usually lead us to feel sad or experience other
research are disseminated to the public (versus) just
difficult emotions. Why are these strategies effective?
stay within the confines of the scholarly journals which
I publish in. I like translating big concepts into mean- AMY: Being a targeted parent is demoralizing and can
ingful and helpful tools for parents and mental health lead the parent into some negative thinking patterns

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such as, “Nothing I do is most egregious behav-
right or good enough,” iors and are rarely held
and, “My child doesn’t a c c o u nt a b l e , w h i l e
l o v e m e a n y m o r e .” targeted parents are
Unfortunately these constantly under a
kinds of thoughts can microscope and having
result in the parent to defend themselves.
becoming depressed One big lesson of
and/or angry, which the book is to accept
can in turn result in that unfairness and to
the targeted parent not get stuck in feeling
becoming less emotion- victimized and helpless.
ally available for the The message is to put
child. that energy into stra-
When the targeted tegically responding to
parent succumbs to your child and the other
depression and anger, p are nt rathe r t h an
the targeted parent getting stuck in feeling
inadvertently reinforces victimized. I would say
the poisonous message another big lesson (is to
the other parent is giving not) devalue the child as
the child—which is that a way to avoid the pain
the targeted parent is of the loss.
unsafe, unloving and Alienated children
unavailable. Thus, behave very badly
targeted parents need toward their targeted
to be able to maintain parents. They can
their loving stance and be quite rude, disre-
their commitment to the spectful, cold and
parent/child relation- unkind. Some parents
ship, even in the face of respond to this ugli-
invalidating messages ness and fail to see that
the other parent and the child are giving them. inside the arrogant, hostile, alienated child is a child who
is hurting and being torn apart by the alienation process.
KRISTEN: What challenges and rewards did writing
I encourage targeted parents to have faith in their chil-
this book result in?
dren’s love for them even in the face of … rejection.
AMY: The only challenge was in trying to be succinct It is their steadfast commitment to the child, combined
and concrete enough to provide targeted parents with with strategic reactions to their child’s hostility and rejec-
the tools they need to navigate the Parental Alienation tion, which is so helpful for the ultimate reparation of the
dynamic. I have found that many parents benefit from relationship. Figuring out how to do that, while protecting
individualized coaching to help them apply the tools and oneself and maintaining dignity and self-respect, is a big
techniques in the book to their specific situations. So, the part of the work for targeted parents.
main frustration is knowing that no book can provide the
parent with everything they need, because a book cannot
KRISTEN: What other resources do you recommend
cover every situation that could arise. for divorced parents and stepfamilies?

KRISTEN: Which main points do you hope readers AMY: I have a set of books on the topic of Parental
Alienation and I recommend them on an as-needed
will take away from it?
basis. For targeted parents of adult children, I recom-
AMY: The main point is that they cannot parent as usual. mend “Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome,”
They need to engage in a different kind of parenting, in order to help them gain insight into the felt experi-
because they are under attack and because the rela- ence of alienation from the child’s point of view. I find
tionship is being compromised by an outside force. It is that some targeted parents still feel very angry with their
grossly unfair that alienating parents can engage in the children for betraying them. I believe that if they are stuck

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 on that anger they cannot really heal the relationship, as
that anger will leak out and will result in the adult child
not feeling safe and loved.
For parents currently in the midst of a court case, I
recommend “The High Conflict Custody Battle” to help
them navigate the legal system: How to find the right
lawyer, how to determine if they need an expert witness,
how to prepare for a custody evaluation and so forth. The
book was written with a psychologist and an attorney to
provide a well-rounded explanation of the custody-battle
experience.
I also have a workbook for middle school children to
teach them critical thinking skills, as a way to inoculate
themselves from the alienation strategies of the other
parent. The goal of the workbook is to help children love
and be loved by both parents. [Editor’s Note: See Pg. 26
for more resources.]

KRISTEN: StepMom caters predominantly to step-

moms. What advice would you like to share with our
readers?

AMY: Many stepmothers deal with Parental Alienation

either as a targeted parent themselves or by being married
to a targeted parent. If a reader is a targeted parent, I
suggest that she becomes informed and educated about
Parental Alienation and makes sure that she has the
necessary mental health and legal advice and support
she needs.
If she is married to a targeted parent, my main advice is
to encourage the targeted parent to actively engage in the
topic, by becoming educated and identifying resources,
rather than waiting for things to get bad. Alienation—like
many problems—is easier to address at early stages. Many
targeted parents I work with feel that their spouses just
don’t “get” alienation and often encourage (or even) pres-
sure them to put their foot down with the child or to
engage in tough love.
It is a terrible experience for a targeted parent to not
only deal with the ongoing trauma of alienation but, on
top of that, to have a (spouse or partner) who is pres-
suring them to parent in a way that is not consistent with
what we know is best for alienation situations. If you are
married to a targeted parent, my best advice is to not
assume that general, common-sense parenting would
work in this situation.
Try to learn about Parental Alienation, so that you can
support your spouse rather than become another source
of conflict in their life. Likewise, if you are the targeted
parent and your spouse is pressuring you to parent in
ways which are not right for you, encourage your spouse
to learn about PA so that s-/he can understand the situ-
ation the way you do. I often invite (new spouses) into my
coaching sessions to make sure that they are on-board

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PARENTAL with the coaching work I am doing with a targeted parent.

ALIENATION KRISTEN: Parental Alienation Awareness Month is

April. What advice do you have that’s specific to that
topic?

RESOURCES AMY: My main advice is to become informed consumers

of information about Parental Alienation. Learn about the
landmines and pitfalls, track red flags and learn strate-
gies for protecting your relationship with your child.
Use these and other resources to educate Do not become complacent because your child doesn’t
yourself about Parental Alienation. seem affected by the other parent’s interference or
undermining—yet.
Also, make sure to always be on your best parenting
Books & Workbooks behavior. Make sure that you do not engage in any behav-
“Adult Children of Parental Alienation Syndrome: iors which could be misconstrued as physical or sexual
Breaking the Ties That Bind,” abuse. For example, avoid corporal punishment. (It) may
by Amy J. L. Baker, PhD be legal in your state but can be viewed as problematic in
a custody evaluation or in court. Focus on deepening and
“Getting Through My Parents’ Divorce: A strengthening your attachment with your child.
Workbook for Children Coping With Divorce, My final advice is to hang in there and take the long
Parental Alienation and Loyalty Conflicts,” by
view. Don’t give up on your child, even when it seems that
Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, and Katherine C. Andre, PhD
your child has given up on you. If you give up, you are
“The High-Conflict Custody Battle: Protect reinforcing the false belief that you don’t care. And my
Yourself and Your Kids From a Toxic Divorce, final, final advice is to remember that you are not alone.
False Accusations and Parental Alienation,” by There are a lot of people who do understand what
Amy J. L. Baker, PhD, J. Michael Bone, PhD, and you are going through and can help you on your Parental
Brian Ludmer, BComm/LLB Alienation journey. O
“Therapeutic Interventions for Children With
Parental Alienation Syndrome,” by Richard A.
Gardner, MD

AMY J. L. BAKER, PHD, is a researcher, expert, author

Audio Book and coach whose topic areas include children of divorce,
Parental Alienation Syndrome and the emotional abuse of
“Divorce Poison: How to Protect Your Family children. Dr. Baker and her colleagues offer a range of ser-
From Bad-Mouthing and Brainwashing,” by vices for targeted parents and their adult alienated children,
Richard A. Warshak, PhD—updated, 2015 such as through the Restoring Family Connections program
Audible Audio edition FREE on Amazon implemented by licensed mental health professionals. Online
at AmyJLBaker.com.

Websites
PAAwareness.com KRISTEN WILKINSON, PSYD, is
PAAwarenessDay.com a postdoctoral fellow in Clinical
Sarvy Emo founded the PA Awareness organiza- Psychology at The Barrington Center
tion after learning about alienation from a friend in Illinois. A graduate of Midwestern
whose children were experiencing it. Emo also University, she has spent the past sev-
eral years researching stepfamilies and,
founded Parental Alienation & Hostile-Aggressive
more specifically, the stepparent expe-
Parenting Awareness Day (April 25). rience. In her clinical work and beyond, Dr. Wilkinson enjoys
using her professional and personal experience to assist and
advocate for the needs of stepfamilies. Email inquiries to
[email protected].

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Your Mother-in-Law
and His Ex
Are They Too Close for Comfort?
BY CLAUDETTE CHENEVERT

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D
oes your mother-in-law stay in touch with bad that she was unable to toast them at the reception.
the ex? This, despite the problems and issues Coincidence? You tell me.
she’s caused for you and your partner? If so, I fretted so much about that lunch date that Bernard
you may feel betrayed by your mother-in-law and I had an argument over it. I pressed him for details:
or find her talk of “the good old days” off-putting. Not to “Why is your ex spending time with your mother?”
mention their friendship, which is yet another reminder Poor guy. It wasn’t his fault. He had no idea. As a young
that the ex is lurking in the background. stepmom, I felt insecure in our couple’s relationship and
This can be—and often is—a frustrating experience had trouble understanding my role in his daughters’ lives.
for stepmoms, who struggle to move forward while I found it difficult to know what place I had in his family,
everyone around them seems to grip tightly to the past. as well. This led me to feel like an outsider. The emotions
Some mother-in-laws maintain such ties to avoid losing were overwhelming.
contact with their grandchild. Others do it because they Any occasion which brought Bernard’s ex into the fold
genuinely like their former daughters-in-law and want felt like a reminder that I wasn’t good enough. That I was
to maintain friendships with them. second best. I’d get angry and, at times, jealous at the
In the most unfortunate circumstances, you and your thought of my now mother-in-law and his ex spending
mother-in-law may not get along at all. That was the case time together. Why were they friends? What were they
for me, in the beginning. You’re civil to one another but talking about? Why didn’t my mother-in-law want to
have yet to find common ground. This can make you feel spend time with me, instead?
as if she’s purposefully excluding you. Your husband may Yet, 20 years later, I’d become the mother-in-law who
feel caught in the middle (Surprise!) and not know what kept contact with her son’s ex.
to do or how to stand up for you. “Mom, why are you still talking to Bridget?” Sebastien
Stepmoms in this situation might think or say: finally asked me. “Can’t you just stop talking to her? She’s
not part of this family anymore.”
KK “When is it going to end?” He felt that I was being way too friendly toward his
KK “After all she’s done to you?!” ex, betraying the family loyalty by talking to or spending
any amount of time with her. I felt stuck somewhere
KK “Are they conspiring against me?”
between being a stepmom advocate, a mother to my son,
KK “Why are they going to lunch together?” a mother-in-law to his current wife and a grandmother
KK “How can she still be invited for the holidays?” to his daughter—my granddaughter—whose parents were
no longer together.
This sort of dynamic, regardless of the reasons behind All I wanted was time with my first grandchild, which
it or how it plays out, can feel maddening and seem meant staying connected to Bridget.
irrational. But, if there’s one thing I want you to know,
it’s this: Their relationship has nothing to do with you.
You could be the loveliest person on the planet. That will
Why MILs Stay Connected
never change the fact that your mother-in-law once had We’ve all heard anecdotal stories about how mothers-in-
and may still have close ties to the ex. law are difficult, overbearing, controlling and simply not
What you can do is understand why and avoid feeling fun to be with. Of all the studies done around families and
miserable about it. how they function, less than 1 percent have anything to
do with in-law ties. Even less is shared or known, when
it comes to understanding the experience of daughters-
First-Hand Experience in-law from second marriages.
I was so upset when I found out that my husband’s ex This makes it challenging to find help or solutions
had been invited to my mother-in-law’s for lunch one related to mother-in-law/ex connections.
day to join in a celebration of my youngest stepdaugh- In a qualitative study called “Daughters-in-Law and
ter’s birthday. I know she’s the girls’ mom, but I couldn’t Mothers-in-Law Seeking Their Place Within the Family,”
believe it. What were those two women doing together? M. Jean Turner, PhD, Carolyn Rice Young, MDiv, and
Hatching plans to make my life miserable? I mean, my Kelly I. Black, MS, note that women who tend to lean on
mother-in-law didn’t even like the ex. their own mothers for help and support often have more
Bernard said that on their wedding day his mother strained relationships with their mothers-in-law.
came down with a severe case of laryngitis. It was so Those mothers-in-law, in response, can feel left out or

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 Each relationship has its own way of defining itself.
There is no right or wrong way for biological mothers
to interact with their sons’ current or former partners.

undervalued. They may also fear missing out on the ability doesn’t is different for all of us. It is dependent on our
to spend time with their grandchildren. Knowing this, I values, beliefs, upbringing and culture.
found ways to stay active in my own first grandchild’s life. In the U.S., there seem to be few (if any) rituals outside
Bridget was appreciative of the help I was able to provide of a marriage ceremony which help in-laws assimilate
not only to her but to my son. I became the bridge that into the fold or understand their roles and expectations.
kept communication open between them. As parents like Bernard and I grow older, the concept
As Sebastien’s parent, I was sad to see his relationship of family becomes even more important to us. Some
with Bridget end. mothers-in-law view their roles as allowing them to
Neither my husband nor I ever had major issues share their parenting, housekeeping and wifely wisdom.
with her. As a former single mother, I understood the But that’s not always realistic or possible.
importance of a support network. As parents ourselves, When my independent, autonomous stepdaughters
Bernard and I wanted to be supportive of both of them. became pregnant with their first babies, they wanted to
Over time, Bridget and I found a way to focus directly parent their own way. Rather than ask me for advice and
on issues regarding my granddaughter. Rarely did we suggestions on pregnancy and parenting, they turned to
talk about my son or his girlfriends. Bernard and I were Google for answers. I was upset that, as a woman who
invited to school activities. In that and other ways, we had been there and done that, I was now being replaced
were able to be active grandparents. by a series of keystrokes and keywords.
When Sebastien met the woman he would later marry, Still, I found a way to help and to participate, as a
he became more insistent that I not spend so much time stepgrandmother.
with his ex. He felt it was no longer my place to spend
time with her because, as he said, she was no longer a
part of the family.
Points to Ponder
There are no typical mother-in-law/daughter-in-law
relationships, perhaps even more so when it comes to
Is She In—or Out? mothers-in-law and stepmom daughters-in-law. Each
As we create families of our own, a series of changes relationship has its own way of defining itself. There is
occurs. Routines, traditions and communication styles no right or wrong way for biological mothers to interact
change, impacting how we define family. These changes with their sons’ current or former partners.
are felt profoundly, at times, in stepfamily structures. Your own mother-in-law may not recognize, under-
Questions begin to race through our minds: Do we stand or be able to comprehend why you think she
include the ex or not? Is she a part of our family? Where should end a relationship that grants her access to her
do in-laws fit within our definition? grandchildren. So, it may be better to ask yourself: What
When Sebastien and his current wife, Carly, began is it about the relationship between your mother-in-law
dating, we considered her part of our family. Yet, Carly’s and his ex that bothers you so much? Is it really about
family felt that for Sebastien to be a part of theirs he them—or could it be related to something else?
needed to marry their only daughter. That proves that Not all in-law relationships are the same. There are no
our definition of who belongs within the family and who perfect solutions to that which is a very complex situa-

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 Our entire family’s future rests on our ability
to be open, honest and understanding.

tion. As you know, it’s already a challenge to simply be nearly broke our marriage in two. One consolation, for
a stepmom, managing our expectations and emotions me, was knowing that she’d felt the same way about
about fitting in, setting healthy boundaries and taking Bernard’s ex. Over time, we’ve grown closer.
care of our needs without wondering whether our I still maintain a good relationship with Bridget,
mothers-in-law are on our sides. even though she’s my ex-daughter-in-law.
A few things to ponder include: I believe it’s good for my eldest grandchild to see
that, as adults, we’re able to come together and be
KK Why does their friendship irk me? supportive of one another for her sake. As for my
KK What about that relationship feels wrong? current daughter-in-law, Carly, we also have a very
good relationship. She openly shares with me her
KK Are my boundaries on this clearly defined?
concerns, her frustrations and the challenges she
KK Are my partner and MIL aware I'm upset? faces—as a stepmom herself.
KK If not, how can I communicate so that my She views my relationship with Bridget as having no
needs are met? impact on my relationship with her. She understands
that I can’t erase the past but am in no way wedded
Just as not all stepmoms are evil, not all mothers- to it. Our entire family’s future rests on our ability to
in-law are evil. be open, honest and understanding. And I appreciate
Look for ways to build a relationship with yours. her more for helping us do exactly that. O
Include her in additional family activities or special
events. Call her up to let her know what her grand-
kids are up to. Start small, building your relationship
with her over time. She may just feel as if you’re not
interested in having her around, either as a grand-
mother to your stepkids or as a stepgrandmother to
your own kids.
Will it work? Who can say for sure but at least you’ll
have tried. When Bernard and I first got together, my
mother-in-law didn’t approve of me. She felt I didn’t
have what it took to be a member of their family. This

CLAUDETTE CHENEVERT, aka The Stepmom Coach, works with women as they struggle to
create a cohesive family life. As a speaker, author and stepfamily professional, Claudette mentors
and guides stepmoms through the process of establishing a harmonious and thriving home life
for their families, many seeing results within two sessions. Learn about her coaching practice and
self-study program for stepmoms at StepMomCoach.com.

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DO YOU COPY, STEPMOM?
How to Get Your Point Across:
The Do’s and Don’ts
BY MARY T. KELLY, MA

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W
hen I’m working with couples, it’s not KK DON’T begin a potentially challenging conversation
uncommon for each person to try to not with, “We need to talk.” Most men interpret this as,
only convince their partner why their “You did something wrong and I’m going to tell you
position is the “right” one but to also try about it.” Defensiveness is sure to ensue.
to convince me. There will be a back-and-forth exchange
KK DON’T attack him or his children. This should be
between the couple and then the inevitable look in my
obvious but I see and hear it too often: “Your daugh-
direction. Like a referee, they expect me to declare a
ter’s a spoiled brat,” “You’re too permissive with your
winner.
kids,” “You aren’t teaching your kids responsibility,”
Despite being a very direct therapist, I wouldn’t touch
and “Your kid didn’t do his chores.” That’s just to
that with a 10-ft. pole.
name a few. Unless you’re partnered with a spineless
There are several reasons why—but the primary one
guy, this will not go over well.
is this: It’s not the content itself that’s important. It’s
the way the content is delivered. This is not to say that KK DON’T confront your partner when you’re angry.
the content at hand isn’t meaningful. It usually is. The Anger is often a secondary emotion. In times like
problem is that the way it is being presented is the what these, you’re most apt to struggle with being diplo-
that creates the roadblock: the dead end, the ugly fight, matic. It’s better to wait and go a little deeper first,
the impasse. tapping into the sadness that is most likely provoking
Being partnered with someone who has kids, I’m your anger. Only then can you get really clear about
pretty sure you observe many things about the way he what’s upsetting you and communicate it.
parents. Or the behaviors his kids display. Or the intru- KK DON’T have a difficult conversation if you’ve been
sions his ex visits upon you. Naturally you have a desire drinking and/or are hormonal. For women, the
to talk to your partner about those observations. When combination of alcohol and hormones can be down-
you then express yourself and things don’t go your way, right toxic. A lot of you know this firsthand. When
you may feel exasperated or unheard. it comes to talking about anything that has the
You may get angry or bury your feelings. Neither are
potential to go south and you’re not quite feeling
good solutions. Human beings long to be heard and seen.
like yourself, Just Say No.
You want that, need that and, at times, crave it. Again,
naturally. Yet, when it comes to being heard, we can be KK DON’T assume. It’s not uncommon to get angry or
our own worst enemies. I’d like to help you out with that. defensive based on an assumption before you fact
What follows is a list of Do’s and Don’ts, designed check with your partner. Let’s say you assume your
to give you and your partner the greatest chance of partner talks to his ex all the time. You believe your
being successful at both feeling and being heard and story, which leads you to anger and then a confron-
understood. tation: “You talk to your ex all the time!” You say it so
righteously. Your partner, frustrated and perplexed,

The Don’ts
responds: “I email her once a week!” We’re all prone
to assume, however unproductive it is. Be careful
I’m beginning with “The Don’ts” for a very specific reason. here. Each time you do it, an apology is in order.
We’re human beings. We learn a lot from the things which
KK DON’T take things so personally. If you do, you’re
don’t work, just as we learn from the things which do.
bound to bring that hurt into your conversations.
However, the don’ts often seem to be the hardest for us to
Assuming and taking things personally often go
sit through. They make us uncomfortable and sometimes
hand-in-hand. Know what your vulnerable trig-
trigger a fight-or-flight response.
gers are. We all have them. Most stem from unmet
What I want you to be able to do is to get through the
childhood needs or prior, painful experiences. They
tough parts without reaching a breaking point. As needed,
lead us to interpret the actions of our stepkids, our
stop and take a few cleansing breaths. Then move on.
partners and exes as slams against us. More often
You should do the same anytime you find yourself in the
than not, what transpired had nothing to do with
middle of a difficult conversation. Learning to master this
you—as humans are more caught up in themselves
one action step will help you diffuse a whole lot of anger
and alleviate a lot of pain going forward. than in anyone else.
Before going any further, breathe in deeply. Breathe KK DON’T say, “You need to understand that [x, y, z].”
out. Do this (10) times. In reality, no one needs to understand anything.

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 Talking from your
As much as you want your thing we have to say (in the
partner to understand your moment) or what latest release
pain, your hurt and/or your Netflix has waiting for us. So,

heart means showing

concerns, telling him that he have some humility. If your mind
needs to understand exactly has wandered, ask your partner
what you’re going through is to repeat himself. This commu-
a set up for disappointment.
If anything, it may cause
that you're willing to nicates that you really do want
to hear him.
him to zone out or to agree KK DO take a break, if you need to.
with you as a way of making
it all stop. I’m going to sneak
be vulnerable (and) you We touched on this earlier, but
it goes deeper. You don’t have
another don’t in here. Don’t to be perfect to hold a conver-
repeat yourself. Let me repeat
that: Don’t repeat yourself! If
can't have an intimate sation. You don’t need to use
perfect sentence structure, have
your partner didn’t hear you a great comeback or talk in a way
the first time, he’s probably
not going to hear you the
relationship unless that’s totally PC. However, if you
feel yourself being pulled down
second or the third … and a rabbit hole, let your partner
certainly not the 10th. Less
is more.
you're willing to be know you need time to regroup.
Make it clear that this means
KK DON’T react. Reaction comes you love your partner and truly
in many forms: aggression, vulnerable. want to resolve the conflict. Just
yelling, name calling, raising not this second. As a general
your voice, rolling your eyes, rule, if you can’t resolve some-
sighing heavily, demeaning, thing in 20 to 30 min., you both
arguing, following your partner around, accusing, have to stop. Millions of couples remain stuck in a
blaming or resorting to the silent treatment. By the vicious cycle of an argument for hours and rarely, if
way, that last one is an emotionally-abusive reac- ever, reach some form of resolution. (Don’t be one
tion designed to silence, manipulate and punish the of them.)
other person. If you want to be heard, don’t do any KK DO be open—and curious! Each of us is guilty of
of these hurtful things. putting the people we love in neat, little boxes.
Maybe you decided, before you approached your
Now, breathe in deeply. Breathe out. Do this (10) times. partner, that there’s no way he’ll hear you out or
You need those cleansing breaths. Those don’ts can respond in the way you need him to. This is often
feel overwhelming, especially when you take them in all based on our past experience with others. Ask
at once. They may have triggered memories of either yourself, then, “Did I lump him in with the non-
you or your partner engaging in faulty communication. responsive people I’ve known?” If you’re committed
If feelings of shame, guilt, anger, sadness or even hope- to communicating productively, tell him about those
lessness arise after reading that don’ts list, take a break. experiences. He’ll likely have more empathy than you
Walk around. Then come back. could ever guess.
KK DO talk from your heart. This involves bringing
The Do’s compassion to bear and having empathy for both
By now, you know the drill. Breathe in deeply. Breathe yourself and your partner. It means getting out of
out. Do this (10) times. Boy, you’re pretty good at that! your head and away from your ego. Ego just wants
Let’s proceed: to be right, bottom line. Ego wants there to be a
winner—you! Egos suck at compassionate, heartfelt
KK DO be a good listener. I can’t emphasize this enough. back-and-forth exchanges.
We all pretty much suck at being good listeners— Our egos are, after all, self-centered little crea-
guilty, at times, of half-listening, formulating the tures. Talking from your heart means showing that
perfect comeback, mulling over the mandatory you’re willing to be vulnerable. It’s a risk to expose

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 Communication is until he’s able to do the same.
KK DO be solution-oriented. This means that you are

an art both you

being forward-moving and not dredging up every
past fight you’ve ever had. Every challenge has at
least one solution. Brainstorm with your partner

and your partner

and resolve to resolve one thing at a time—then
move on from it.
KK DO be assertive. It’s important that you know which
can master, if you issue you want him to hear you out on and that you
advocate for yourself, in ways which are neither
passive nor aggressive. Imagine yourself being
put your minds and rooted into the earth, as you speak to your partner.
You’re neither in his face nor backing away from him.

hearts into it.

You’re simply speaking what is true for you.
KK DO respond rather than react. This last step is the
simplest to carry out because once you master the
other Do’s (and Don’ts), responding rather than
reacting comes naturally.

yourself, in that way, but you can’t have an intimate One final bonus: DO think long and hard before you
relationship unless you’re willing to be vulnerable. confront your partner about anything.
This goes for both you and your partner. To truly Be cautious about initiating discussions over every
get close, you have to open up. little thing that bothers you about him, his kids or his
KK DO be strategic. There are times when you won’t feel ex. Watch for signs that you’re being microscopic in your
like being diplomatic with your partner or care to views of his parenting or his kids’ qualities, nitpicking as
be strategic about how and when you communicate. you go along. If you’re not sure you need to bring some-
You may want to say things the way you want to thing up, give it 24 hrs. See how you feel. What seemed
say them, diplomacy be damned! Fine. Go for it, but pressing or urgent may have dissipated.
don’t be surprised when “just being yourself” leads Communication is an art both you and your partner
you into a big ol‘ massive fight. This one really boils can master, if you put your minds and hearts into it. It’s
down to: Know your audience. a skill that will not only benefit and enrich your couple’s
Being strategic means being considerate. relationship but will spill over into all of the other rela-
Consider which time of day will give you the best tionships you have.
shot at having a productive conversation. If nothing Review these Do’s and Don’ts together—making a pact
else, experience has taught you this. (Hint: It’s not to put them into practice—and know that, like anything
bedtime.) Have the patience to wait until the time is else worth doing, successfully getting your point across
right, you can use the right tone and you’re equipped and communicating clearly requires three things. (I
to pay attention to your partner’s body language and assure you a professional referee isn’t one of them.)
eye movements. Give him the courtesy of waiting Commitment. Practice. Graciousness. Do you copy? O

MARY T. KELLY, MA, is a family therapist of more than 18 years who specializes in working with
stepmoms, stepcouples and stepfamilies. From her private practice in Boulder, Colorado, Mary
provides coaching by phone or via Skype, Facetime and Veer. She also offers in-person therapy
and leads 1- to 2-day intensives both online and face-to-face. Visit RealStepfamilies.com for tips,
resources and more info.

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 F R O M T H E A R C H I V E S | T H I S T I M E L AS T Y E A R

IN THE

April 2017
ARCHIVES

These are some of the important topics we were

talking about this time last year. Don’t have the
April 2017 issue in your library? No worries! Back
issues are available in our online store at:
StepMomMag.com/Subscribe-Shop/

Special Event The Ties

Survival Guide That Bind
for Stepmoms How to Navigate Loyalty
Advice for Managing Conflicts in Stepfamilies
Life's Milestones With BY HEATHER
Dignity and Class HETCHLER, MA
BY BRENDA SNYDER, LCSW

"... Love Stepfamily

Languages" Life Isn't Fair!
Stepmom Style Shake Resentment and Find
the Happiness You Deserve
Use This Best-Selling
Strategy to Connect BY MARY T. KELLY, MA
With Your Stepfamily
BY JESSICA LEON,
PHD, LCSW

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 S T E P M O M M E M O I R S | P E R S O N A L E S SAY S

Childhood Dreams, Revisited

Being Childless But Still Finding Joy

BY LAURA S. MILAM, MED

M
y poems are the journal of my life.
Some people have notebooks and
diaries filled with entries. I have Word
documents catalogued by date and title.
The one appearing at the end of this article, “Empty
Arms,” takes me back nearly 10 years. I recently
updated it. In the process of rereading it, I felt like I’d
been punched in the gut.
Arms empty all over again, though filled in an
entirely new way.
I had a conversation at work a couple of weeks
ago which had me thinking back on the pain of the
past and then looking through my “journals.” It was
just another day pulling Lunch Duty in the school
cafeteria. I was eating my lunch, watching students
eat theirs and guarding my little section of hall. My
job is to make sure they don’t wander out and disap-
pear, as high schoolers have a tendency to do.
My partner in crime was not my usual company.
I only know her as a casual colleague. So, I was
stunned when—out of the blue—she began asking
me The Questions: How come you don’t have kids
of your own? Didn’t you ever want to? Have you
thought about adoption? I gave her what I hoped
was a polite smile and made a random “that ship has
sailed” comment.
When I was younger, I felt pressure to answer
such thoughtless questions, but the older I get the
more I realize that I don’t owe anyone answers to THE QUESTION OF KIDS
personal questions which are none of their business. The question of kids has always been complicated
Least of all a casual work acquaintance. That’s when and emotional for me. I’ve wanted to be a mom from
she decided to tell me all about why I could certainly the time I was a little girl, shoving dolls under my
still have kids at what she referred to as, “your age.” shirt to “nurse” them. Eventually I imagined myself
I’m pretty sure my polite smile quickly trans- as a teacher, lining those same dolls up in rows and
formed into my fake back-off-before-I-punch-you- creating “super fun worksheets” they could busy
in-the-throat smile. Why is it that, at 44-years old, themselves with. Wife and Mom were my dreams.
random practical strangers still presume to know Part of the reason I did became a teacher was
what is best for my life? I will never understand this to have a career more conducive to being a mom;
phenomenon. one that would allow me to stay home with babies

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 S T E P M O M M E M O I R S | P E R S O N A L E S SAY S

I’ve grieved the death of my dream to have

children over and over, in different ways, during
the different stages of my life.

and then step back into a great job. I met my first nited. While there was never any hope that my dad
husband right out of college and married him a year would come back, there was a tiny hope (in the far
later. We did the whole premarital counseling thing, corner of my heart) that my husband would change
where we talked about all manner of important his mind. That kept the pain forever just beneath the
topics (including kids). surface.
Did we want them? Would one of us stay home Eventually I divorced my first husband, for
or would we keep working? What were our thoughts reasons which had absolutely nothing to do with our
on discipline? We talked about that and much more— lack of children. I was 37, at the time, and, at some
and it seemed like we were on the same page. But, point in the divorce recovery and healing process,
after five or six years of marriage, it became clear I thought again about children. In the back of my
to me that my partner didn’t actually want to have mind, I wondered if I might meet someone with kids.
kids at all. In fact, he didn’t like kids much. I was Or someone who wanted to have kids.
heartbroken. I allowed myself to hope just a little bit.
We talked through every scenario. I begged. I
cried. I got angry. I cried some more. I insisted we go MY DREAMS, REVISITED
to counseling. Nothing changed. Ultimately I figured A couple of years later, when I began to date, I
I had three options: Trick him, leave him or let go of assumed that if I found someone I’d likely become a
the dream. I loved him and I didn’t think I’d be able stepmom. There aren’t too many 40-something guys
to live with myself, if I deceived him. So, after years who have never been married or don’t already have
of agonizing, I decided to let go of that dream. kids. I was open to being a stepmom. It wouldn’t be
the same as having children of my own, but it was an
A UNIQUE KIND OF GRIEF opportunity for a mothering role.
It was absolutely the most painful decision of my life. When I met and started to get to know Matt, I
One I’ve grieved ever since. was excited that his daughter was so young. I figured
The grief was much more acute at age 33, when the younger a potential stepchild was the easier
getting pregnant still seemed more attainable than at the transition might be for me. I was excited about
age 44, when it doesn’t seem like such a good idea. the opportunity to be involved in her life. I knew I’d
But grieving this loss isn’t too much different than never be her mom and that was OK. I still looked
grieving the death of a loved one. There is anger. forward to the possibility of a loving relationship.
Bargaining. Depression. Acceptance. Not necessarily Matt was (and is) dreamy. He was exactly the kind
in that order. And certainly not that neat, as the of man I would want to have babies with.
process ebbs and flows. We talked about it, before we married. He knew
I’ve grieved the death of my dream to have chil- that being a mom was one of my most sacred
dren over and over, in different ways, during the dreams. Even though I turned 41 shortly after we
different stages of my life. In fact, I’ve grieved the married, we did not close the door on that dream but
absence of children more intensely than I grieved the question of kids was still complicated. Neither
the death of my father. The difference is an issue of one of us thought rushing in to have a baby was the
acceptance. The pain of losing my dad is softened best plan given my new stepmom/stepdaughter
by the many memories of him which I hold dear, can relationship.
call to mind and share with my nieces and nephews. I don’t regret that decision one bit. Building a
But his passing also possesses a finality that’s relationship with my stepdaughter has taken time
distinctly different from the grief over the death of a and has been a very purposeful pursuit on my part.
dream. Dreams can change. Dreams can be reig- It’s also been a rewarding and worthwhile pursuit

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 TIMEOUT | STEPMOM SELF-CARE

because she is precious to me. Three and a half years I also know that there are people who think I
later, age and health are factors in the will-we-have- should still have a baby, through whatever means
children equation. Along with a dozen other things. necessary, at “my age.” Much like my Lunch Duty
We’ve discussed all the different angles and possibili- buddy the other day. But, again, they aren’t in my
ties. Trying to get pregnant. Adoption. The pros. The shoes. The very idea of chasing a toddler when I’m
cons. approaching 50 makes me tired!
Ultimately, we’ve decided to let that dream go. The second thing I would tell stepmoms thinking
Only this time we both grieve the loss. about kids is that even when you make a decision, as
a team, which you believe is the best choice for your
OUR MUTUAL DECISION family you may still grieve. If that choice involves
Making that decision together makes all the differ- letting go of a dream, you will most certainly grieve.
ence. I’m not in it alone. Rarely do we spot a sweet And that’s OK. When moments of sadness come, I
baby, at the next table over in a restaurant, when allow myself to feel sad.
our eyes don’t meet and pause. There is a shared Those moments are the exception, at this point
moment, when both of our hearts squeeze and wish in my life, rather than the rule. Still, even now,
(for a breath of time) that we had a baby together. pushing my feelings away doesn’t make them go
But, in the next moment, we move on. Because we away. You have to feel what you feel. And breathe.
are happy. And then keep moving. Grief changes. It fades. But
Our lives are busy, in a good way. They’re filled it’s a normal part of life that often accompanies good
with glorious moments of family fun with our tribe of decisions. And that’s OK, too.
three and sweet moments of sanctuary, when we are
just two. We are content. My story isn’t so different AN EVER-EVOLVING PROCESS
from that of many other stepmoms out there. The When I was younger, my arms ached for the chance
details are different but the agonizing decisions, the to hold my very own sweet baby. Later on, when I
grief, the joy—those are much the same. worked in an intermediate school, I imagined having
How do you decide whether or not to have kids? a 10-year-old. That’s how old a child of mine could
Especially if you are living the messiness of being a have been, if I’d started a family when I first imag-
stepmom? When it comes to the question of kids, ined I would. Now my thoughts and grief about kids
it’s always complicated. If I had any words for a looks different still.
stepmom thinking about having kids, these would be I sometimes wish my stepdaughter knew the joy
No. 1: It’s complicated. For me, it was complicated
in both my first marriage and in my second. Every
person, every couple and every situation is different.
There is no exact right answer.
The decision of whether or not to have a child is
deeply personal.
I know well that there are people who didn’t
agree with my choices, regarding children, in my
first marriage … but they weren’t in my shoes. While
I sometimes wonder what life would be like, if I’d
done things differently, I also say a prayer of thanks.
I cannot imagine being tied to my first husband
forever through kids he did not want. No, thank you.

IT REALLY IS COMPLICATED
We live in a society where women are shamed for
not having kids and shamed for having too many
kids. I say, “To heck with what society says!” Make
your own decisions, as a team. Do what you can both
live with. Then quit worrying about what anyone
else thinks. Yes, I know, easier said than done. But so
worth it.

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 S T E P M O M M E M O I R S | P E R S O N A L E S SAY S

of a sibling. I worry that she will one day be dealing

Empty Arms
with three aging parents—all by herself. I love my
stepdaughter very much. We have a beautiful rela-
tionship which I wouldn’t trade for anything, but
she is not my daughter. I don’t love her in the same BY LAURA S. MILAM, MED
way I would love a daughter I’d known and raised
since birth.
Anyone who thinks a stepmother’s love should
be the same is an idiot. It’s not the same, but that Empty arms,
Where a baby should be.
doesn’t make it any less beautiful or valuable. So,
Everyone asking.
here’s the third thing I would tell a stepmom in
my shoes: Give yourself a break. When your love What can I say?
for your stepchild doesn’t look the same as their
father’s love, it’s OK. It’s normal. You are normal. We’ve chosen.
Take a breath. Have some coffee. Text your He chose emptiness.
stepmom sisters. Relax. I spent the first year of I, peace: the ultimate gift.
marriage feeling guilty that I didn’t love my step-
daughter the same way I loved my nieces and A friend calls.
nephews. Being a stepmom is hard work, even in Good news for her.
the best of circumstances, and it takes time—even Heartbreaking reminder for me.
Baby therapy? A temporary fix.
with a dreamy husband by your side.
Stepmothering your partner’s child or children
Nephews come.
can still result in beautiful relationships. Yet, it Starving arms gobble them up.
can also be messy and filled with landmines which Then watch them go.
threaten to explode at the slightest misstep. Quit
listening to the background noise disguised as Another friend calls,
advice from so-called experts in your life. Love Announcing baby two.
those stepchildren with everything you have. A struggling, “Congrats,” to her.
When it doesn’t look exactly the same as their Amidst my secret tears.
mom’s love, be at peace. It’s not meant to.
These days my arms are far from empty. They More questions.
“Don’t you want kids?”
are filled with the love of my sweet husband and
Smile politely.
my stepdaughter. When they ache, it is from having
Protect the choice.
rowed a kayak while we were out camping or
holding tight the handles of my bike on our family Wobbly steps.
rides. Slobbery kisses.
When it comes to the question of kids, regard- Off to school.
less of your choice, there can be joy. O Milestones mourned watching others.
From the outside, looking in.

Arms aching.
Heart breaking.
Kisses wasting.
Dreams dying.
LAURA S. MILAM, MEd is a wife,
stepmom, and high school coun-
selor. All three of these roles are a Questions never end.
constant source of inspiration. For But new paths begin.
Laura, writing is equal parts therapy, My heart settles in,
connection, and comic relief. She To peace.
believes everyone has a story
worth sharing and enjoys using hers to connect with and
encourage others.

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 S T E P FA M I L Y L I F E | P R AC T I C A L T I P S F O R S T E P FA M I L I E S

Spring Cleaning—at Any Age!

Getting Your Stepkids to Help With Household Chores

BY JESSICA LEON, PHD, LCSW

M
arlo Thomas’s classic children’s album addition, it gives you more time—to enjoy the fun
“Free to Be … You and Me” features stuff. Still, I hear your reservations.
a poem roughly 3-min. long called
“Housework.” As read by legendary KK “I can’t get them to do anything.”
Comedienne Carol Channing, Track 5 parodies TV
KK “I can barely get my spouse to help out.”
ads which depict women as blissfully happy while
wielding powders, waxes, bleaches and such. KK “My stepkids will resent me—or far worse!”
“Housework,” Channing narrates, “is just no fun.” KK “There’s no way my stepkids will participate.”
Truer words have never been spoken. Who
KK “He doesn’t want them to ‘work’ at our
wouldn’t rather do anything besides dust, mop,
place.”
vacuum, sort and organize? It’s tiring, tedious, time-
consuming, endless … yet necessary. At least, it is KK “He won’t OK this: They’re only with us
for those of us who want to live clean and organized part-time.”
lives.
When we add big, annual tasks like decorating for
the holidays, back-to-school preparations, hosting
parties and Spring Cleaning to our weekly household
chore lists, it’s easy to see why most of us get over-
whelmed. Well, I’m not going to sugarcoat. I’m not
going to say, “Cleaning can be fun!” or, “Think of the
calories you’ll burn!”
As a therapist and life coach, I aim to keep it real
(a la Ms. Channing) and quote from the poem once
again:

If you want all the days of your lives,

To seem sunny as summer weather,
Make sure, when there’s housework to do,
That you do it together!

That’s right, “together!” Not just you, Stepmom.

Help … With Spring Cleaning!

“Together” means you, your partner, your children
and your stepchildren.
Believe it or not, when everyone does his or her
part, Spring Cleaning not only progresses more
quickly but it also teaches everyone responsibility,
teamwork and the importance of giving back. In

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 S T E P FA M I L Y L I F E | P R AC T I C A L T I P S F O R S T E P FA M I L I E S

... with the right MINDSET, IDEAS, PLANNING

AND LEADERSHIP you can enjoy each other’s
company as you work toward a common goal.

Sound familiar? Well, here’s what I recommend. kitchen or dress-up, maneuver toy cars and look at
KK Sell this group project to your partner before books while moving their lips. Acting like grownups
approaching the kids. Then, do it together. A is what young children live for.
unified front is what you’ll need to get every- Capitalize on their enthusiasm by giving them
one’s attention and participation.* these kinds of assignments:
KK Rethink Spring Cleaning. Rather than it being a
KK Holding open garbage bags
total drag, think of it as a bonding experience
during which your entire family works toward a KK Sweeping with your guidance
common goal. KK Holding a dustpan at the ready
KK That end goal could be donating surplus items KK Carrying armfuls of light things
to a charity, making extra cash for fun stuff (as
you sell good-shape items), replacing old things KK Using safe wipes on flat surfaces
with new things and/or having a reward system KK Helping sort clothes, books or toys
based on how much gets done.
KK Gathering up stuff they’ve outgrown
KK Build in cleaning breaks filled with incentives
KK Sorting items for siblings, friends or charity
like delicious snacks, pizza, a midday bike ride
or watching a great movie when the cleaning’s
all done. Elementary Age
KK Understand that cleaning and getting rid While there’s a big age range among elementary
of things is emotionally-liberating for every school kids (6 to 11, approximately), all of them
member of your family. Mental health experts are old enough to contribute to Spring Cleaning
have demonstrated that clearing physical space and other household cleaning efforts. They have a
brings us more emotional peace. greater ability to appreciate charitable giving, too,
[* Editor’s Note: See “Do You Copy Me, Stepmom?”
really grasping why you would donate gently-loved
in this very same issue, by Mary T. Kelly, MA, for items and appreciating the impact of that. Unlike
more on being heard.] preschoolers, they can also help with more sophisti-
cated projects.
Try really focusing on that second point—Spring
Let them help, in these and related ways:
Cleaning “as a bonding experience” for your step-
family—and know that with the right mindset, ideas, KK Boxing up toys and games
planning and leadership you can enjoy each other’s
company as you work toward a common goal. KK Storing items you plan to keep
What follows are suggestions for engaging KK Gathering up puzzle/game pieces
(step-)/kids of all ages.
KK Deciding what to keep, share or donate

Preschoolers KK Participating in charitable donation runs

Believe it or not, though they often make the biggest KK Searching for stained, torn or broken items
messes, children 3 to 5 are entertaining and fun to
KK Scrubbing, sweeping, filling washer/dryer
clean with. Why? Because imitating adults is how
they play! Think of age-appropriate toys and activi- KK Kids 8+ can make lists of what needs
ties. They learn to care for dolls and animals, play replacing

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 S T E P FA M I L Y L I F E | P R AC T I C A L T I P S F O R S T E P FA M I L I E S

destined for a “tax-deductible” folder or organizing

drives to collect clothing, pet supplies or hygiene
items needed by others. Learning to do so will serve
them well, in their futures.
Tasks well-suited to teens and young adults
include:

KK Cleaning cars inside and out

KK Organizing garages and sheds
KK Identifying local charities in need
KK Sorting mail, magazines, catalogs, books
KK Creating recordkeeping files with your help
KK Sorting items to “keep,” “recycle” or “donate”
KK Leading an area or school collection drive
KK Marketing/selling items on eBay or CraigsList

If your young adult or teen helps market and then

sell household items you no longer use, want or need
Middle School Age (i.e., furniture, baby items, sports equipment, DVDs),
While you may get some age-appropriate pushback consider giving them a portion of the proceeds as
and attitude from kids in this age group (tween to thanks—and use that promise as incentive for them
teen), they are capable of doing lots of cleaning and to do it well.
of interacting with recipients of your family’s chari- Whatever the ages of the children and step-
table efforts. The trick here is to choose rewards children in your family, make sure that before you
which motivate them to follow through. They can launch your Spring Cleaning effort everyone under-
certainly sort their own things into piles marked stands what it will entail, what your expectations are,
“garbage,” “hand-me-down,” “sell” or “donate.” what roles you and your partner will fill (in helping
Other things they can help with include: everyone) and why cleaning house is important in
the first place.
KK Cleaning the bathrooms I wish you patience, good luck and a beautiful
KK Vacuuming and doing dishes Spring season filled with natural and personal
growth! O
KK Raking, weeding and planting
KK Folding/putting away clean clothes
KK Sorting and washing full laundry loads
KK Identifying and dropping off donation items
JESSICA LEON, PHD, LCSW, special-
KK Cleaning outdoor grills and furniture
izes in marriage, family and couples
KK Cleaning out fridges, freezers, pantries, etc. therapy and has more than 15 years
of private practice experience. She’s
a life coach on Lifetime TV’s “Mission
Teens & Young Adults Makeover,” a frequent guest on “The
Kids and stepkids in these age groups can handle a Balancing Act” and also serves as a
suicide prevention counselor, behavior management spe-
range of tasks independently or with minimal super-
cialist, ESE family counselor and more. Jessica resides in
vision. They can also help you and your partner with South Florida with her husband, twin boys, stepson, three
tasks of an adult nature, sorting through receipts cats and dog. Connect with Jessica at TherapistToGo.net.

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 E X P E R T A DV I C E | T H E T H E R A P I S T I S I N

Stepmoms & Rare Gems

Find Acceptance by Beginning With Yourself

BY CHRISTINA ROACH, LMHC

I
f you have friends or acquaintances who are your own step reality is or isn’t, we all share a desire
also stepmoms, at times you may find your- to be accepted. I’d go so far as to say that we all
selves voicing a shared concern over the truths secretly pine for it.
associated with stepfamily life. As social creatures, human beings’ desire to be
Why do we get the short end of the stick, when accepted isn’t a fallacy or a faulty belief. In fact,
it comes to family life? How come we have to deal wanting to genuinely feel accepted is engrained in
with ex-wives, who are constantly in our business each of us. It’s an aspect of the human condition.
and who seem to make a recreational sport out of And, despite our efforts, acceptance is not some-
sabotaging our marriages? Why do we feel as if our thing that can be forced or demanded from others.
stepchildren are constantly rejecting us and that—no (That is, of course, without it backfiring.)
matter what we do—we’re not good enough? Yet, the degree to which we experience accep-
The cards we are dealt, as stepmothers, are not tance depends greatly on how it’s defined. It is up
always fair. Nor do we all get dealt the same hand. to each individual to define this for herself, under-
You may feel as if you were duped, because things standing that her definition will differ from yours
drastically changed after you said, “I do.” Whatever and from mine. The initiatives below can set you
on a path that works to your benefit and leaves you
feeling more fulfilled than you have in a long time.
They’ll help you unearth a wealth of rare gems:
feelings which up until now may have been buried
under the rubble of newly-formed stepfamily fallout.
You’ll learn to define acceptance for yourself.
You’ll then give voice to your definition, owning it in
such a way that it positively impacts those around
you. Ultimately, you’ll be better positioned to move
forward confidently and accept the realities of your
stepfamily situation without feeling resentful.

DEFINE IT.
How do you define acceptance?
By and large, feeling appreciated goes a long way
toward making us feel as if we’ve been heard, as if we
matter and as if we’ve truly been accepted into the
fold of stepfamily life. When formulating your own
definition, begin by asking yourself a few things.

If I were to feel appreciated …

KK What behaviors would be apparent?

KK Who would be displaying said behaviors?

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 E X P E R T A DV I C E | T H E T H E R A P I S T I S I N

Being clear about your thoughts, feelings and

needs leads to productive changes family-wide;
ones you can actually live comfortably with.

Paint a vivid picture in your mind. The more and let them know that, if they anticipate a change
detailed and specific you can be the better. This in school or activity schedules, they must notify you
becomes the gauge by which you will form a working in advance.
definition that best fits your needs. These sorts of conversations ensure that every-
Let’s say you often feel out of the loop when it one’s voice is heard.
comes to schedule changes. In order to get a sense This further serves to validate each person’s expe-
that your time and involvement are appreciated, your rience and makes each of you an active contributor
definition of acceptance might necessitate that your to your stepfamily’s success. Over dinner, say, the
partner acknowledges your need to be informed. kids can let you know that rehearsals or practice are
That he run changes by you before agreeing to them being moved to a different night of the week. You
with his ex and/or communicating them to the kids. and your partner can then discuss how you might
Next, ask yourself if how you’ve defined those adjust your stepfamily schedule to accommodate
things and the time frame in which you expect those changes.
certain behaviors to occur set you up for success As stepmoms, we sometimes forget that we have
or failure. If tension already exists around the a right to voice our concerns.
scheduling issue, it wouldn’t be prudent to expect a While you don’t want to come across as the new
180-deg. change to occur overnight. Although it may sheriff in town, by setting lots of rules, you also don’t
happen, it’s more likely that it won’t. want to be a doormat. If the kids’ proposed change
In reality, change takes time—especially when in schedule compromises a commitment you have
we’re advocating for modifications to how things elsewhere, say so. No one can expect you to drop
have long been done within our stepfamilies. This everything to arrive at a solution to their problems.
needs to be factored into your expectations for how Being clear about your thoughts, feelings and needs
your newfound sense of acceptance will look, how it leads to productive changes family-wide; ones you
will occur and how you will feel as you navigate your can actually live comfortably with.
stepfamily relationships going forward.
OWN IT.
VOICE IT. You’ve defined it. You’ve shared it with others. Now
Arming yourself with a solid definition is an impor- it’s time to own it.
tant first step. Since the path to acceptance is a two-way street,
You now know what behaviors you’re looking display the behaviors you wish to receive in return.
for and won’t be caught off guard when a behavior And, while it can be tempting, avoid falling into the
linked to acceptance occurs. So, when a related vindictive trap of giving whomever you feel has
behavior does occur, acknowledge it. Thank your offended you a taste of their own medicine—since
partner for giving you a head’s up and for talking conducting yourself in ways which run contrary to
through that next potential schedule change with what you expect from others will work against you.
you before agreeing to it or putting it into action. That can be difficult if you feel hurt, angry or
Still, having a good working definition is not upset. When that happens, call a time-out. Step away
enough. Information that exists only within the from the chaos and give yourself some breathing
confines of your mind or your couple’s relationship room. Read a book that has nothing to do with
does you no good. The need for change must be stepmothering or lie on your bed with your eyes
communicated, so that everyone involved under- closed. Breathe in, breathe out. Once your emotions
stands where each stepfamily member is coming are steadied, you’ll be better equipped to get on with
from. You and your partner can sit the kids down your day.

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 E X P E R T A DV I C E | T H E T H E R A P I S T I S I N

... ask yourself if you’ve acted in accordance with your

own set of morals and values. If you can answer this with
a resounding, “Yes!” you can have peace in knowing that
you did all you could. STAYING TRUE TO YOURSELF IS
THE ONLY THING WITHIN YOUR CONTROL.

The moral here is that your actions, or lack someone else will need to make those plans.
thereof, deliver certain messages and can either work Acceptance, in this case, does not equate to
toward or against your end goal. Just because one necessarily liking or approving of. This is an impor-
schedule change was made without your knowledge tant distinction. Reaching a level of acceptance is
doesn’t mean you should retaliate, by backing out of about lessening any pressure you place on yourself
an unrelated commitment you previously agreed to, for how things actually are, as opposed to what you
without communicating the change beforehand. had initially envisioned. Allow yourself to grieve this
As in, “Since you didn’t consult me, I didn’t feel a loss.
need to consult you.” What’s of utmost importance is to monitor your
There’s no excusing the fact that you weren’t internal barometer. When your head hits the pillow at
consulted. You should have been. There’s no denying night, ask yourself if you’ve acted in accordance with
that you’re entitled to change your mind. Sometimes your own set of morals and values. If you can answer
we do need to step back, in order to preserve our this with a resounding, “Yes!” you can have peace in
sanity. I’m simply suggesting that you focus on how knowing that you did all you could. Staying true to
you address your frustrations. yourself is the only thing within your control.
Responding maturely helps you model the As you navigate the above stages, remember to not
behaviors you want to see in others. Be aware, too, wait for others to bestow acceptance upon you. It is
that—while your definition of acceptance (and, as not a prize to be won. Instead, it is something you
a byproduct, appreciation) may change over time— control by means of your thoughts and your actions.
it helps to remain mindful that both verbal and If others do not give you what you desire, accept
nonverbal messages communicate intent, contrib- both what you can and cannot control. View your
uting to others’ understanding of what our bound- situation as a diamond in the rough, which is still in
aries are. the process of being cut to your liking: Round, oval,
marquise or heart-shaped.
ACCEPT IT. Doing so moves you toward a level of acceptance
All of the above is well and good but, as a smart for where you are, in the landscape of stepfamily
stepmom, you know that you can’t control anyone life, and acknowledges the steps you’ve taken on its
else’s actions. Unfortunately the amount of energy behalf. That, in itself, is something to be celebrated! O
you put forth does not always equate to what you
receive in return. This is especially true in stepfami-
lies due to loyalty binds and other factors which are
(Yep, you guessed it!) out of your control. CHRISTINA ROACH, LMHC, is
There’s a point at which you’ll need to accept founder of Success for Steps® and a
fellow stepmom. A certified Stepfamily
how the interpersonal relationships have unfolded in
Foundation Master Counselor and
your stepfamily. If you’re continually not consulted stepfamily professional recognized by
on schedule changes, despite efforts made to alter the Nat’l. Stepfamily Resource Center,
this, then you may need to remove yourself from the Christina offers phone and web coach-
entire sequence of events. For example, if pick-up ing via SuccessforSteps.com. She also sees clients in her
Tampa-based private practice, as a licensed psychotherapist,
and drop-off times change without your knowledge,
and is a Nat’l. Certified Counselor and Distance Credentialed
you cannot be expected to accommodate these. Counselor. Christina resides in Florida with her husband and
Other arrangements will need to be made and their two children.

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APRIL 2018 • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE • www.StepMomMagazine.com
 S T E P M O M M E M O I R S | P E R S O N A L E S SAY S

All or Nothing Moments

Could My Instant Family Slip Through My Hands Like Sand?

BY TRACI MORENO, PSYD

I
t was President’s Day weekend in Glamis, sons, his parents, his aunt, his uncle and several
California—a popular weekend for quad and cousins.
dirt bike riding enthusiasts, many of whom Danny comes from a big, close-knit family. Quite
were preparing to get sand blasted, at the opposite from how I was raised.
self-proclaimed “world famous” Algodones Dunes I basically grew up as an only child, considering
Wilderness Area. that my brother and sister are quite a bit older than
Riding quads was the newest sport my then- I am. Being around his family was so much fun. They
fiancé, Danny, had turned me on to. There were all welcomed me, as a full-fledged member of their
miles of picturesque dunes, which appeared to be clan, even though we weren’t married yet.
untouched by man. Another Wonder of the World? I was also very close to Danny’s kids at this point.
Unfortunately, that sand also wound up in a lot of I had started to take on motherly duties, such as
places that would be touched by man. helping them with their homework, making dinner,
We were camping out in Danny’s Toy Hauler; dropping them off at school or taking them to base-
one those trailers that fits lots of “toys” inside, while ball practice. Surprisingly, I enjoyed my newfound
you’re traveling, and then magically transforms into responsibilities.
a nice living space. We were there with Danny’s two The time we spent in my Jeep was especially fun.

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APRIL 2018 • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE • www.StepMomMagazine.com
 S T E P M O M M E M O I R S | P E R S O N A L E S SAY S

This is when the “Nothing,” I

kids and I would pouted, chuck-
blast the music, ling a little
sing loudly and through my
talk freely with tears.
one another. All I felt so silly
of these memo- but it was the
ries flooded truth. Nothing
my mind, as I had happened.
was filling out a Still, I tried my
Valentine’s Day best to explain
card to my future why I was
husband and crying. I fumbled
stepkids. through it, prob-
It was then ably rambled
that it hit me: Lying in the back of the Toy Hauler, a bit and no doubt looked a little crazy. Danny’s
in the dimly-lit cubbyhole that passes for sleeping response?
quarters, I realized that if Danny and I ever divorced “You’ll just have to trust me.”
I would lose it all. Him. His family. His kids. That’s My tear valves shut off instantly and I looked up
when the tears started. at him. After wiping the remaining sand from my
Now, I didn’t have any doubt about the success of eyes and blinking a few times, I smiled.
our marriage, but I also wasn’t ignorant to the fact “And I’ll have to trust you,” he continued.
that divorce is prevalent. After all, Danny and I had It was so simple and to the point. He was right.
both been divorced previously. I didn’t understand Neither of us knew the future—but we had to trust
the tears, at first. The harder I tried to hold them each other to make it work. Danny pulled me out of
back, the more they flooded my face. the cubbyhole, hugged me tightly and whispered in
Once I became conscious of my fear, I felt an my ear: “Now get yourself together and let’s go ride.”
emptiness inside my heart. I thought, “What do I do And ride we did! O
with this feeling?” Then I felt frustrated; in a sense,
trapped. I didn’t want Danny to have some sort of
hold over me. Enter Danny. TRACI MORENO, PSYD, is a licensed
Danny’s always had a way of comforting me first psychologist and director of mental
health services for a nonprofit com-
and asking questions later. The poor, unsuspecting munity clinic that serves families. She
man walked into the trailer to find me blubbering holds a Bachelor’s degree from Florida
like a fool over an imagined circumstance. He State University and a Doctorate from
hugged me and ran a handful of fingers through my Alliant Int’l. University, with a special-
dirty, sandy hair. With his other hand, he wiped the ization in clinical and forensic psychology. Dr. Moreno’s
background includes providing individual and group
tears—which had now turned to mud mixed with therapy, administering psychological testing or evaluations,
mascara—from my cheeks. conducting forensic evaluations for courts and testifying as
“What happened?” he asked. an expert witness.

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APRIL 2018 • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE • www.StepMomMagazine.com
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 R E A L S T E P M O M S , R E A L S TO R I E S | WO M E N F R O M A R O U N D T H E WO R L D

Emili Wadkins

FROM: Arvada, Colorado OCCUPATION: Stay-at-Home (Step-)Mom

AGE: 27 STEPCHILDREN: One boy, 12, and one girl, 10

RELATIONSHIP STATUS: Married CHILDREN: One girl, 2, and another on the way

EMILI'S STORY: “Jack and I met in March 2014. I sense of humor from his dad. And, probably,
immediately noticed him. He had such a calm most of his jokes. We also went to a restaurant
presence. I wanted to meet him and my friend that day. By the time we walked out, I knew
made it happen. We haven’t gone a day with- those kids had a part of my heart.”
out talking since. He told me that night that he “We married that December and welcomed
had two children, so I knew he wasn’t looking to our first daughter in June 2015. Jack has 50/50
casually date. access: one week on, one week off. Over four
“We began a whirlwind of a ride, with a lot of years there have been some real highs and real
traveling, as he was in Denver and I was in Fort lows. Being a stepmom has taught me a lot
Worth. I met his kids that August. I’ll never forget about myself. I’ve been pushed past my comfort
exiting Denver airport and seeing Jack standing zone (but) I’d still chose my family, in a heartbeat,
there with Jacob on one side and Jordan on the given the chance.”
other. She said, ‘Hi,’ with a shy smile and handed
me a rose, as far up as her little arm would EMILI’S PHILOSOPHY ON LIFE: “I often refer to
stretch.” the saying, ‘If it’s not gonna matter in five years,
“Other than that she said, ‘She’s really pretty, don’t spend more than five minutes being upset
Daddy.’ Jacob talked from the moment we met about it.’ I doubt I’ll ever have this all figured out
’til the moment Jack put him to bed. After hear- but, looking back, I can honestly say I’ve come
ing a few of his jokes, I knew he had gotten his so far.”

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APRIL 2018 • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE • www.StepMomMagazine.com
 StepMom Magazine
MANIFESTO

We believe stepmoms are women of great character who are brave enough to have
faith in love and second chances. We believe a woman’s true strength is revealed
during life’s darkest seasons and that related struggles are a precursor to growth
and requisite change.

We believe stepmothering is an intricate dance: a balancing act between delicate

and strenuous situations that’s highlighted by moments of beauty and grace. We
believe in traveling the highest road, even when we think we’re walking alone, and
in traversing this winding path as sisters rather than strangers.

We believe words matter—but only sometimes. We believe in proudly owning our

titles, defying stereotypes and challenging stigmas attached to any words which
involve living in step. We believe in the careful, prudent use of words like bonus and
step which, though innocuous sounding, create faulty expectations and undermine
our success. We believe words like those entrap us and it’s our responsibility to
ensure they don’t.

We believe knowledge is a superpower, in that a woman who truly understands her

surroundings reigns supreme over them. We believe progress is continually being
made and that change from within is the most profound means of advancement.
Above all else, we believe that pursuing peace and living well isn’t simply a
stepmom’s right.

It’s her responsibility.

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APRIL 2018 • © STEPMOM MAGAZINE • www.StepMomMagazine.com