HOW TO BE A

SUPERCOMMUNICATOR
AT HOME
The hardest discussions often happen at home. This guide can help resolve conflicts, share feedback, or
simply connect on a deeper level with the people who matter most.

» Look for clues if the conversation is:

» Practical (solving problems)
WHAT KIND OF
STEP 1

» Emotional (discussing feelings)

CONVERSATION
» Social (exploring interactions)
IS HAPPENING?
» Ask how someone feels, rather than about facts.
For more, see Supercommunicators pg. 29
(Instead of “What happened in math class?”, ask “What’s
something you learned today that surprised you?”)

» What’s something you want the other person to

understand about you?
STEP 2

EXPLORE WHAT » What’s one question you can ask to understand them
PEOPLE NEED better?
For more, see Supercommunicators pg. 68
» What’s your goal in this discussion?
» What do you think is others’ goals?

» Acknowledge emotions
(“What’s something you wish I understood about how you’re
STEP 3

ASK ABOUT feeling?”)

FEELINGS » Ask deep questions

For more, see Supercommunicators pg. 161 (“What’s something you’re grateful for, even on hard days?”)

» Ask if you can share your own feelings

(“Can I tell you how your words make me feel?”)

» Share your boundaries

(“Let’s try to avoid blaming anyone and figure out where
STEP 4

PREPARE FOR we agree.”)

OBSTACLES » Acknowledge the awkward
For more, see Supercommunicators pg. 228 (“This is hard to talk about, but …”)

» Consider asking someone to moderate

» Reflect on who you are

(“What values or identities might be shaping how I approach
STEP 5

MAKE ROOM FOR HOW this?”)

WE SEE OURSELVES » Approach differences with curiosity
For more, see Supercommunicators pg. 228 (“Can you tell me why this is so important to you?”)

» Seek opportunities to share your own experiences

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Many of our most important discussions, particularly with our families, are made up of three distinct kinds of
conversations. There is a practical, decision-making conversation: What’s This Really About? There is an emotional
conversation: How Do We Feel? And there is a social conversation: Who Are We? We are often moving in and out of
all three conversations as a dialogue unfolds. However, if we aren’t having the same kind of conversation as our
partners, at the same moment, we’re unlikely to connect and hear each other.

The Three Conversations

What’s this How do

really about? we feel?

Decision-making Emotional
Mindset Mindset

What’s this
really about?

Social Mindset

So, as parents, siblings, spouses and other family members, how do we figure out what kind of conversation is
occurring? How can we learn to make our conversations better?

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 STEP 1

PAY ATTENTION TO WHAT

KIND OF CONVERSATION IS
HAPPENING
We all send clues, as we speak and listen, about what kind of conversation we're seeking. We hint at whether
we’re in a practical mindset, an emotional mindset, or a social mindset. And we can train ourselves to notice these
clues.

Schools often train teachers to ask students: “Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?” Different needs require
different types of communication, and those different kinds of interaction—helping, hugging, hearing—each
correspond to a different kind of conversation—practical, emotional, social.

Do you want to be:

Helped? Hugged? Heard?

A practical An emotional A more social

What’s This How Do We Feel? How Are We?
Really About? conversation conversation
conversation

When a teacher—or anyone—asks a question like “Do you want to be helped, hugged, or heard?”, what they are really
asking is: “What kind of conversation are you looking for?” And people often know what they need – we just have to
ask them.

However, for a parent, a sibling or a spouse, asking this kind of question can sometimes be tricky. I have two
teenagers at home, and they think ‘hugged, helped, heard’ is cheesy. But most questions I ask seem to return one-
word responses. (How was school? Fine. Did you have fun at practice? Yes.)

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The solution is to ask what are known as “deep ask him: “What makes Brady so fun to hang out with?”
questions”: inquiries that invite our kids to talk about Often, my son will say something surprising: that he
their experiences, or talk about their beliefs, or draw likes Brady because he knows how to talk to girls, and
out their values. The key is, rather than ask them about suddenly we’re in a real conversation.
the facts of their life, ask them how they feel about
We can ask deep questions of everyone we want to
their day. For instance, with one of my kids, instead
connect with. Here’s a few I use with my kids:
of asking him if he saw Brady at lunch, I

Instead of Asking Try Asking

How was your day? What made you happy today?

What should we do this weekend? If you could create your perfect day, what would it look like?

Have you thought about your plans for

If you could ask your future self one question, what would it be?
next year?

Why are you upset? What’s something you wish everyone knew about you?

How was school? What’s something you learned this week that surprised you?

Have you done your chores? What’s your favorite chore?

What’s up with your friends? What do you admire about your friends?

Do you like your teacher? What makes your teachers great?

If you ask someone how they feel about something— beliefs, and experiences, and, most important, about
rather than about the facts of their life—we invite what kind of conversation they are seeking.
people to tell us who they really are, about their values,

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 STEP 2

SHARE YOUR GOALS, AND

ASK WHAT OTHERS ARE
SEEKING
Usually, each person enters a discussion with a specific » Is there something specific you need, like advice or
goal in mind. We may not be fully aware of these just a friendly ear?
goals — I want to convince Liz to go on a beach vacation » What would make this conversation most helpful for
this year! — but when we understand our own you?
goals, as well as other people’s aims, the » What would you like to happen by the end of our
conversation is guaranteed to be more productive. talk?
» Do you want to brainstorm solutions, or talk about
Often, the easiest way to determine our own goals, and
how you’re feeling?
figure out others’, is to ask a simple question: “What’s
When it comes to figuring out our own goals, there’s
most important to you in this conversation?” Or, if the
some questions we can quickly ask ourselves before
moment calls for a gentler approach, you could lead by
a conversation begins that helps us understand what
example: “I’d love to understand where you’re coming
we’re looking for:
from. I was hoping to speak with you about next year’s
vacation …” » What do I hope to achieve from this conversation?
» Am I looking for understanding, resolution, or just to
Family members often have varied goals in the same
express my feelings?
conversation—someone might want to resolve a
» What’s one thing I want the other person to
disagreement, while someone else is seeking empathy.
understand about me?
Asking and sharing helps prevent conversations
» What’s one question I can ask that will help me
from derailing, enabling everyone to feel heard.
understand them?
Here’s a few ways of starting a conversation with family » What outcome would feel most satisfying to me?
members to figure out their goals in the discussion: » What question or topic do I hope to avoid?
How will I react if it comes up?
STEP 3
» How can I best support you during this discussion?

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 STEP 3

ASK ABOUT OTHERS’

FEELINGS, AND
SHARE YOUR OWN
Emotions are often at the core of family discussions. Can you help me understand how this has
been affecting you?
Our emotions help us build connections and understand

each other. But if they aren’t acknowledged, they can What’s something you wish I understood about
make us feel alone. how you’re feeling right now?

It’s good to begin a discussion by creating space for What’s something you’re grateful for, even on
hard days?
emotions by asking gentle, open-ended questions like,

“How has this been feeling for you?” or “What’s your I can see this means a lot to you. What part feels
take on this, in term of how it makes you feel?” The key most significant?

is to show curiosity.
This has been challenging for me, too. What do
you need most from those around you?
It’s also often important to share your own feelings. For

instance, you might say, “This has been overwhelming Would it be okay if I told you how your words affect
for me; I’d love to know what it’s been like for you.” me?

This encourages reciprocal vulnerability, opening a Can I share how I’ve seen others handle this?
space where emotions can be safely shared.
Creating space for emotions and reciprocal

Here are a few ways to invite emotions into a vulnerability opens the door to trust. When we invite
our loved ones to feel seen and understood - through
conversation, and what we can say when we hear an
empathy and curiosity - our conversations become
emotion:
more meaningful and real.

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 STEP 4

PREPARE FOR
OBSTACLES
Will people get angry? Withdrawn? Will a hesitancy jotting down what you’ll do if they emerge. The plan is

to say something that might ruffle feathers prevent what keeps us on track.

us from saying what’s important? What happens if

For particularly important conversations, it’s often
someone starts to shout?
helpful to start by discussing a conversation’s

And most important, when those obstacles appear, guidelines – and acknowledging that this might be

what’s the plan? Research shows that being aware uncomfortable. It’s useful to say something like,

of situations that make us anxious or fearful – and “I know this is a tough topic, and I might say the

planning for what we’ll do – can not only relieve worry, wrong thing without meaning to, and I hope you will

it makes conversations go much better. How will you forgive me. And I promise, if you say something wrong,

calm yourself and others if the conversation gets tense, I will forgive you.” Finally, for conversations that are

or encourage someone who has gone quiet to participate particularly tense, a moderator might help.

more? It’s worth envisioning possible scenarios – and

At the beginning of discussion

A Acknowledge
Establish the moderator Draw out this will be
guidelines can encourage everyone’s uncomfortable

- What are the norms? - everyone to speak - emotional goals. - We may misspeak
- No blaming, shaming - people to tell our own - practical goals - We may ask naive questions
or attack. stories and not diminish - more ephemeral goals - When those discomforts emerge,
- Are questions okay? other’ problems. that stem from our we won’t shut down. Rather, we’ll
identities.
- anyone to listen. see them as opportunities to learn.

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 STEP 5

EXPLORE IF SELF-IDENTITY
IS IMPORTANT TO THIS
DISCUSSION
In a family discussion, we are often asking ourselves For difficult discussions on identity-centered topics
and the people we care about a basic question: “Who like politics or lifestyle choices – I’m old enough to
Are We?” This isn’t just about family roles – it speaks decide what who I date! – preparation is the first step.
to something deeper: our identities, the impact we have Take a moment to reflect on your own identity, and ask
in each other’s lives, and the values that connect us. For yourself what you hope to learn or understand. Then
instance, when we talk about whether we should visit enter the conversation ready to listen with genuine
our grandmother, we’re also asking ourselves: What curiosity.
do we owe to our elders? How do we set an example for
Next, try sharing your own story to help family members
our kids and siblings? We might see things differently
feel comfortable opening up. Saying something like,
– I think we should go to the beach rather than visit
“You know, I didn’t really like spending time with my
grandma! – but when we discuss these identities, we
grandmother, either. But I think it’s important to be
learn more about who everyone is, and how our values
there for people when they need us. Are there times your
and identities influence our decisions. Even if we
grandmother has been there for you?”
don’t always agree about everything, we feel seen.

Family Guide for Conversations About Identity

Step Focus Questions to Ask:

Reflect on what you » Why are you having this conversation?

1 Preparation
hope to learn. » How can you show curiosity, rather than judgement?

» Ask questions like, “What about this feels meaningful to you?” or

“Can you tell me why this is so important?”
Listen & Show genuine
2 » Let them respond and prove you are listening with
Empathize curiosity.
“What I hear you saying is …”

» Then ask if you got it right.

Share relevant » Offer stories that show empathy (e.g., “I remember feeling the
Share &
3 personal same way …”).
Relate
experiences. » Describe your own struggles.

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 Example Questions

After saying: Ask:

I understand it’s important to you to attend this Can you tell me why you feel so strongly about being
particular school. accepted into this specific college?

It can be hard to be someplace new. Sometimes I feel What are the parts of your day where you feel like you
out of place, too. belong? Which parts are hardest?

I’m still learning about gender identity, but I want to

What should I know?
support you.

I’m voting for a different candidate than you, but I I Can you tell me why this person is so meaningful
want to understand how you see the world. for you?

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 SUMMARY

Family conversations can be hard. In fact, they are

some of the hardest discussions we’ll ever have – but
also the most important and rewarding. Those hard
conversations are at the core of who we are.

Recognizing whether a conversation is practical

(What’s This Really About?), emotional (How Do We
Feel?), or social (Who Are We?) allows each person to
express what they need from this discussion. It creates
the space to explain how we see ourselves, and what’s
important to us. It reduces misunderstanding and
creates room for deeper, more meaningful sharing.
When we talk to our families, and invite them to be
emotional, or social, or practical, and when we ask
genuine questions, and prove we are listening – at
those moments our family conversations transform
from everyday exchanges into powerful moments of
connection.

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