PROMPT

Many People Believe that playing games and watching TV programs is beneficial for children, but others think
that it does not improve their mental ability. Discuss both of these views and give your own opinion.

RESPONSE
Nowaday, the world is more and more develop. Many games or TV programs are made for people use to relaxe, but it more
popular in children and that also a favorite of of most of dhildren. But some people think that is a problem about their mental
ability and the others think it beneficial About advantages, playing video games and watchng TV programs can help children.
feel better after school. In a group of friends, it can can connect many people, thay will take together about things of video
grams games. Some games about subject can improve the knowledge of children when they play. They can learn new
informations or some new words in that game. Some parent think that benefieal for their child so they will talle their children
play games or watch TV when they busy. A lots of children in the world are allowed to play game cind watch TV But don't do it
bo much.

In the other hand, Some people think that it does not improve the children mental ability. That both the and wrong because the
entertainment will make children feel better and relaxe, it can help coneet with each other from games. Children will have friend
with the same favorite so that can that is easier for them to share their mind. Moreover, some video game or TV program can
help children study online, such as game about dictionary can help children learn new words easier. However, that is a big
problem when they use smartphone or TV to much. Fristly, when play game for a long time to their health will be go down and
they will feel tired and bored. Some children are adicted and they use all the time for it, they also forget homework when play
so they probably have a bad score. Secondly, use all the time to play video games or watch TV programs will waste the time,
instead of this they would go out to do exercise to improve health.

In conclusion, playing games and watching TV programs is not bad for children because it can improve their knowledge and
relaxe and they can make friends easier. However, they must to do this when they free, don't use to much because it can make
the health decreased and waste the time.

OVERALL BAND SCORE: 5.0

Task Response: 6
• Relevance to Prompt: 5
• Clarity of Position: 6
• Depth of Ideas: 4
• Appropriateness of Format: 6
• Relevant & Specific Examples: 5
• Appropriate Word Count: 9

The essay addresses the prompt but lacks depth in exploring both viewpoints. While it attempts to discuss advantages and
disadvantages, the arguments are superficial (tr-3:4). The examples provided are somewhat relevant but lack specificity (tr-5:5).
The essay's structure is adequate (tr-4:6), and it maintains a clear position (tr-2:6), although the relevance could be improved (tr-
1:5). The word count is satisfactory (tr-6:9).

Coherence & Cohesion: 5

• Logical Organization: 5
• Effective Introduction & Conclusion: 5
• Supported Main Points: 4
 • Cohesive Devices Usage: 4
• Paragraphing: 5

The essay's organization is somewhat logical, but the flow of ideas could be smoother (cc-1:5). Support for main points is weak,
often relying on generalizations rather than specific evidence (cc-3:4). Cohesive devices are used inconsistently (cc-4:4), and
paragraphing, while present, could be improved for better clarity (cc-5:5).

Lexical Resource: 5
• Vocabulary Range: 5
• Lexical Accuracy: 4
• Spelling and Word Formation: 5

The vocabulary is limited in range (lr-1:5) and accuracy (lr-2:4). There are instances of inappropriate word choice and some
spelling errors (lr-3:5), hindering the overall clarity and impact of the essay.

Grammatical Range & Accuracy: 4

• Sentence Structure Variety: 4
• Grammar Accuracy: 4
• Punctuation Usage: 5

The essay demonstrates limited grammatical range (gra-1:4) and accuracy (gra-2:4). There are numerous grammatical errors
throughout the essay, affecting the overall fluency and coherence. Sentence structures are often simple and repetitive.

DETAILED FEEDBACK
Detailed Feedback
Introduction

"Nowaday, the world is more and more develop. Many games or TV programs are made for people use to
relaxe, but it more popular in children and that also a favorite of of most of dhildren. But some people think
that is a problem about their mental ability and the others think it beneficial"

Feedback

-Task Response/Task Achievement: The introduction is weak. It starts with a vague and grammatically incorrect statement
("Nowaday, the world is more and more develop"). It doesn't clearly state the essay's purpose or the writer's stance. The
sentence structure is fragmented and lacks precision. The introduction needs to directly address the prompt's question about the
benefits and drawbacks of screen time for children and briefly outline the essay's structure. There is no clear thesis statement
presenting the writer's opinion.

-Coherence & Cohesion: The ideas are poorly connected. The transition between the first sentence and the rest is abrupt and
illogical. The sentence "But some people think that is a problem about their mental ability and the others think it beneficial" is
grammatically flawed and lacks clarity. The introduction needs to smoothly introduce the two opposing viewpoints before
stating the essay's structure and the writer's position.

-Grammatical Range & Accuracy: Numerous grammatical errors: "Nowaday" should be "Nowadays," "develop" should be
"developed," "people use to relaxe" should be "people use to relax" or "for people to relax," "it more popular" should be "it is
more popular," "a favorite of of most of dhildren" is extremely poorly phrased and should be something like "a favorite among
most children," and the final sentence is a run-on sentence with poor subject-verb agreement.
-Lexical Resource: The vocabulary is limited and contains errors ("relaxe"). More sophisticated vocabulary is needed to
express the ideas clearly and accurately.

Rewrite suggestion

"The ubiquitous nature of video games and television programs has sparked debate regarding their impact on
children's cognitive development. While some believe these forms of entertainment offer numerous benefits,
others express concerns about their potential negative effects on mental ability. This essay will explore both
perspectives before presenting a balanced conclusion."

Body Paragraph 1

"About advantages, playing video games and watchng TV programs can help children. feel better after school.
In a group of friends, it can can connect many people, thay will take together about things of video grams
games. Some games about subject can improve the knowledge of children when they play. They can learn new
informations or some new words in that game. Some parent think that benefieal for their child so they will talle
their children play games or watch TV when they busy. A lots of children in the world are allowed to play
game cind watch TV But don't do it bo much."

Feedback

-Task Response/Task Achievement: This paragraph attempts to discuss advantages but lacks organization and clarity. The
points are presented haphazardly, and the examples are weak and underdeveloped. The writing jumps between different
arguments without clear transitions. The final sentence is particularly weak and grammatically incorrect.

-Coherence & Cohesion: The paragraph lacks logical flow. Sentences are not connected smoothly, and the transitions are
missing or ineffective. The ideas are presented in a disjointed manner.

-Grammatical Range & Accuracy: Multiple grammatical errors: "watchng" should be "watching," "children. feel" should be
"children feel," "can can connect" should be "can connect," "thay will take together" should be "they will talk together," "video
grams games" should be "video games," "Some parent think" should be "Some parents think," "benefieal" should be
"beneficial," "talle" should be "tell," "busy" needs context, "A lots of children" should be "Many children," "game cind watch
TV" should be "games and watch TV," "bo much" should be "too much."

-Lexical Resource: The vocabulary is simplistic and contains spelling errors. More precise and varied vocabulary is needed.

Rewrite suggestion

"Proponents argue that video games and television can offer significant benefits to children. Educational
games, for example, can enhance knowledge and vocabulary acquisition in an engaging manner. Furthermore,
shared screen time can foster social interaction and bonding among peers, strengthening friendships through
shared interests. Some parents also view these activities as a valuable tool for relaxation and stress relief after a
long school day, providing a much-needed break."

Body Paragraph 2

"In the other hand, Some people think that it does not improve the children mental ability. That both the and
wrong because the entertainment will make children feel better and relaxe, it can help coneet with each other
from games. Children will have friend with the same favorite so that can that is easier for them to share their
mind. Moreover, some video game or TV program can help children study online, such as game about
dictionary can help children learn new words easier. However, that is a big problem when they use smartphone
or TV to much. Fristly, when play game for a long time to their health will be go down and they will feel tired
and bored. Some children are adicted and they use all the time for it, they also forget homework when play so
they probably have a bad score. Secondly, use all the time to play video games or watch TV programs will
waste the time, instead of this they would go out to do exercise to improve health."
Feedback

-Task Response/Task Achievement: This paragraph attempts to address the opposing viewpoint but is poorly structured and
contains contradictory statements. The writer starts by acknowledging concerns but then seems to contradict themselves by
arguing that the entertainment is beneficial. The examples are weak and lack specific details.

-Coherence & Cohesion: The paragraph lacks a clear structure. The transitions between points are abrupt and illogical. The
writer contradicts their own arguments.

-Grammatical Range & Accuracy: Many grammatical errors: "In the other hand" should be "On the other hand," "mental
ability" is repeated unnecessarily, "That both the and wrong" is grammatically incorrect and nonsensical, "relaxe" should be
"relax," "coneet" should be "connect," "friend" should be "friends," "can that is easier" should be "makes it easier," "to much"
should be "too much," "Fristly" should be "Firstly," "play game for a long time to their health will be go down" is extremely
poorly phrased, "adicted" should be "addicted," "use all the time for it" is clunky, "use all the time" should be "constant use,"
"instead of this" should be "instead."

-Lexical Resource: The vocabulary is weak and imprecise. The word choice is repetitive and lacks sophistication.

Rewrite suggestion

"Conversely, critics argue that excessive screen time can hinder cognitive development. Prolonged exposure
can lead to physical health problems such as eye strain and obesity, alongside reduced physical activity.
Furthermore, addiction to games or television can lead to neglect of schoolwork and other responsibilities,
potentially impacting academic performance. The passive nature of much screen entertainment can also limit
opportunities for creative play and social interaction."

Conclusion

"In conclusion, playing games and watching TV programs is not bad for children because it can improve their
knowledge and relaxe and they can make friends easier. However, they must to do this when they free, don't
use to much because it can make the health decreased and waste the time."

Feedback

-Task Response/Task Achievement: The conclusion is weak and doesn't effectively summarize the main points. It lacks a
clear and concise statement of the writer's overall position. The conclusion should restate the writer's stance and offer a
balanced perspective.

-Coherence & Cohesion: The conclusion is poorly connected to the preceding paragraphs. The final sentence is grammatically
incorrect and lacks clarity.

-Grammatical Range & Accuracy: Grammatical errors: "relaxe" should be "relax," "they must to do this" should be "they
must do this," "they free" should be "they are free," "don't use to much" should be "avoid excessive use," "make the health
decreased" should be "decrease their health."

-Lexical Resource: The vocabulary is simple and repetitive. More sophisticated vocabulary is needed to express the ideas
clearly and concisely.

Rewrite suggestion

"In conclusion, while video games and television programs can offer certain benefits for children, such as
educational opportunities and social interaction, it's crucial to emphasize moderation. Excessive screen time
poses significant risks to physical and mental well-being, potentially leading to health problems, addiction, and
academic difficulties. A balanced approach, incorporating screen time alongside other enriching activities, is
essential for healthy child development."
Argument Improvement
Task Type: Discussion (Discuss Both Views)

Key Tips

• Balanced Presentation: Present both sides of the argument fairly and equally, giving each viewpoint
sufficient attention and development.
• Clear Thesis Statement: State your opinion clearly in the introduction and reiterate it in the conclusion.
This guides the reader and ensures your response is focused.
• Well-Supported Arguments: Use specific examples and evidence to support your claims for both sides
of the argument, enhancing the credibility of your discussion.

Suggested Structure

• Introduction:
o Hook: Begin with a captivating sentence about the prevalence of screen time in children's lives.
o Background: Briefly introduce the debate surrounding the effects of video games and TV on
children's mental abilities.
o Thesis Statement: Clearly state your opinion (e.g., "While both positive and negative impacts
exist, responsible consumption is key to maximizing benefits and minimizing harms").
• Body Paragraph 1: Benefits of Screen Time
o Topic Sentence: State the benefits (e.g., "Despite concerns, video games and television can offer
several educational and social advantages for children").
o Supporting Points:
▪ Educational games: Enhance cognitive skills, problem-solving, and vocabulary.
(Example: Mention specific educational games)
▪ Social interaction: Facilitate communication and collaboration among peers. (Example:
Online multiplayer games)
▪ Relaxation and stress relief: Provide a break from academic pressures.
o Concluding Sentence: Summarize the advantages discussed.
• Body Paragraph 2: Drawbacks of Screen Time
o Topic Sentence: State the drawbacks (e.g., "However, excessive screen time presents significant
risks to children's well-being").
o Supporting Points:
▪ Physical health issues: Obesity, eye strain, sleep deprivation.
▪ Addiction and behavioral problems: Reduced attention spans, impulsivity.
▪ Neglect of other activities: Reduced time for physical activity, social interaction, and
academic pursuits.
o Concluding Sentence: Summarize the disadvantages discussed.
• Conclusion:
o Restate Thesis: Reiterate your stance on the balanced approach.
o Summary of Main Points: Briefly summarize the key benefits and drawbacks.
o Final Thought: Offer a concluding statement emphasizing responsible screen time management
(e.g., parental guidance, time limits, balance with other activities).
Grammar & Vocabulary Correction
Error Correction Explanation

"Nowaday" is incorrect; "develop" is a verb, but

"Nowaday, the world is
"Nowadays, the world is the sentence requires an adjective ("developed").
more and more
increasingly developed." The phrase "more and more" is less sophisticated
develop."
than "increasingly."

"Many games or TV "Many games and TV

"Use to relaxe" is grammatically incorrect. The
programs are made for programs are made for people
correct infinitive form is "to relax."
people use to relaxe," to relax,"

"it more popular in "it is more popular among The sentence needs a verb and a more natural
children" children" preposition.

"a favorite of of most of "a favorite among most

"Of of" is redundant; "dhildren" is misspelled.
dhildren" children"

"About advantages, "Regarding the advantages,

"About" is less formal than "Regarding."
playing..." playing..."

"it can can connect

"it can connect many people" The word "can" is repeated unnecessarily.
many people"

"thay will take together

"they will talk together about "Thay" is misspelled; the phrase is awkward and
about things of video
video games" needs simplification.
grams games"

"Some parent think that

"Some parents believe this is Subject-verb agreement error; "benefieal" is
benefieal for their
beneficial for their children" misspelled.
child"

"A lots of children in

"Many children worldwide are "A lots of" is grammatically incorrect;
the world are
allowed..." "worldwide" is more concise.
allowed..."

"But don't do it bo "But they shouldn't do it too "Bo much" is incorrect; the sentence needs a
much" much" more natural phrasing.

"In the other hand, "On the other hand, some

"In the other hand" is grammatically incorrect.
Some people think..." people believe..."

"That both the and "This is not entirely true" or The sentence is grammatically incorrect and
wrong" "This is an oversimplification" illogical.

"it can help coneet with "it can help them connect with "Coneet" is misspelled; the preposition "from" is
each other from games" each other through games" inappropriate.
 Error Correction Explanation

"some video game or "some video games and TV

Subject-verb agreement error; the sentence needs
TV program can help programs can help children
parallel structure.
children study online" study online"

"when play game for a "prolonged gaming can

The sentence is extremely poorly structured and
long time to their health negatively impact their
grammatically incorrect.
will be go down" health"

Topic-Related Vocabulary
Word
New Word Definition
Type

Cognitive Adjective Relating to mental processes of acquiring knowledge.

Developmental Adjective Relating to the process of growth and change.

Stimulation Noun The act of encouraging or arousing activity or excitement.

Engagement Noun The act of being involved or occupied.

Sedentary Adjective Characterized by much sitting and little physical activity.

Impairment Noun A weakening or damage.

Attention span Noun The length of time a person can concentrate on something.

Impulsivity Noun Acting without thinking about the consequences.

Multitasking Noun Doing several things at the same time.

Characterized by comprehension of the parts of something as intimately

Holistic Adjective
interconnected and explicable only by reference to the whole.

detrimental Adjective Tending to cause harm.

detrimental Adjective Tending to cause harm.

exacerbate Verb To make something worse.

mitigate Verb To make something less severe.

pervasive Adjective Spreading widely throughout an area or group of people.

Grammar Enhancement
Grammar Structure Original Sentence Rephrased Sentence

Simple Present "Many games or TV programs are "Video games and television programs are
Passive made for people to relax" designed for relaxation."

"Some games about subject can "Educational games, when played

Complex Sentence
improve the knowledge of children regularly, can significantly enhance
with Participle Clause
when they play" children's knowledge."

"Some parent think that beneficial for

"When parents are busy, they may allow
Adverbial Clause of their child so they will talle their
their children to play games or watch
Time children play games or watch TV
television, believing it to be beneficial."
when they busy"

"Some children are adicted and they "Some children become addicted, devoting
Simple Past Passive
use all the time for it" excessive time to gaming."

Compound Sentence "Firstly, when play game for a long

"Firstly, prolonged gaming can lead to
with Coordinating time to their health will be go down
health problems, fatigue, and boredom."
Conjunction and they will feel tired and bored."

Noun Clause as "The assertion that both viewpoints are

"That both the and wrong"
Subject equally valid is an oversimplification."

"Children will have friend with the

Adverbial Clause of "Children with shared interests find it
same favorite so that can that is easier
Reason easier to connect and communicate."
for them to share their mind"

"some video game or TV program "Certain video games and TV programs

Relative Clause
can help children study online" facilitate online learning."

Conditional Sentence "They should engage in these activities

"they must to do this when they free"
Type 1 only during their free time."

"it can improve their knowledge and "It enhances their knowledge, promotes
Parallel Structure relaxe and they can make friends relaxation, and facilitates the formation of
easier" friendships."

Cohesion Enhancement
Original Text Improved Text Explanation

Replaces the weak transition "In a

"About advantages, playing "Regarding the advantages, group of friends" with the more
video games... In a group of playing video games... Moreover, sophisticated "Moreover," which shows
friends, it can connect many shared screen time fosters social a clear addition to the previous point.
people..." connections among peers..." This improves the flow and logical
connection.
 Original Text Improved Text Explanation

"Some parent think that "Some parents believe this is Replaces "A lots of" with the more
benefieal for their child... A beneficial... Consequently, many formal "many" and connects the two
lots of children in the world children worldwide are permitted sentences using "Consequently" to
are allowed to play game..." access to video games and TV..." show cause and effect.

Replaces the informal "In the other

"In the other hand, Some
"Conversely, some critics argue... hand" with "Conversely" and
people think... However, that
Nevertheless, excessive screen "However" with "Nevertheless" for
is a big problem when they
time presents significant more sophisticated transitions. The
use smartphone or TV to
challenges." phrase "a big problem" is replaced with
much."
a more formal expression.

Replaces the informal "when play

game" with the more formal
"Fristly, when play game... "Firstly, prolonged gaming...
"prolonged gaming" and "use all the
Secondly, use all the time..." Secondly, constant screen time..."
time" with "constant screen time" for
better clarity and conciseness.

"In conclusion, while video games Replaces the informal "they must to do
"In conclusion, playing
and television can be beneficial... this when they free" with "responsible
games... However, they must
However, responsible usage is usage is paramount" for better clarity
to do this when they free..."
paramount..." and stronger conclusion.

"playing games and watching "Playing games and watching TV

TV programs is not bad for programs are not inherently
Replaces the informal and
children because it can detrimental, as they can improve
grammatically incorrect structure with
improve their knowledge and knowledge, promote relaxation,
a more sophisticated structure.
relaxe and they can make and facilitate the development of
friends easier" friendships."

"However, they must to do

"However, moderation is crucial;
this when they free, don't use
excessive screen time can Simplifies the sentence structure and
to much because it can make
negatively impact health and lead uses more precise vocabulary.
the health decreased and
to wasted time."
waste the time."

SAMPLE ANSWER
Revised Essay
(Based On Your Ideas)

In today's rapidly developing world, numerous games and television programs are designed for relaxation. These are
particularly popular among children, often constituting a significant part of their leisure time. While some argue that this
entertainment hinders mental development, others maintain it offers several benefits. This essay will explore both viewpoints
and offer a balanced perspective.
Proponents of screen-based entertainment highlight its positive social and educational aspects. Playing video games can foster
social connections, allowing children to bond with friends over shared interests and collaborate on tasks within the game.
Furthermore, some games incorporate educational elements, enhancing children's knowledge and vocabulary. For busy parents,
allowing children screen time might provide a convenient form of childcare, offering a period of respite. Many children
worldwide engage with games and television, but moderation is key.

Conversely, concerns exist regarding the potential negative impact on children's mental abilities. While entertainment can offer
relaxation and social interaction, excessive screen time presents significant drawbacks. Prolonged exposure can lead to health
problems, including fatigue and eye strain, and can contribute to addiction, potentially leading to neglect of schoolwork and
poor academic performance. Furthermore, excessive screen time often displaces other activities crucial for development, such as
outdoor exercise and social interaction outside the digital sphere. The time spent passively consuming entertainment could be
better utilized for activities that promote physical and cognitive growth.

In conclusion, the impact of playing games and watching television on children's mental abilities is not simply positive or
negative; it depends heavily on the amount and type of engagement. While these forms of entertainment can offer social
benefits, educational opportunities, and relaxation, excessive consumption poses significant risks to health and overall
development. Therefore, moderation and parental guidance are crucial to ensure a balanced approach to screen time,
maximizing benefits while mitigating potential harms.

Sample Essay
(Band 8.5 - 9.0)

The ubiquitous nature of video games and television programs has sparked debate regarding their impact on children's cognitive
development. While some believe these forms of entertainment offer valuable benefits, others express concerns about their
detrimental effects on mental acuity. A balanced consideration of both perspectives reveals a complex relationship between
screen time and childhood development.

Arguments in favor of screen-based entertainment often center on its potential educational and social benefits. Educational
games can engage children in interactive learning, enhancing their knowledge and problem-solving skills in a fun and engaging
way. Moreover, online multiplayer games foster collaboration and communication, developing crucial social skills and
teamwork abilities. The exposure to diverse narratives and perspectives within television programs can also broaden children's
understanding of the world and different cultures, enriching their cognitive landscape. Furthermore, for some children, screen
time can provide a valuable outlet for stress relief and relaxation after a demanding school day.

However, the counterargument highlights the potential negative consequences of excessive screen time. Prolonged exposure to
passive entertainment can hinder the development of crucial cognitive skills, such as critical thinking and creativity, which are
better nurtured through active engagement with the physical world and social interaction. Furthermore, excessive screen time
can lead to physical health problems, including obesity, sleep disorders, and eye strain. The addictive nature of some games can
also lead to neglect of schoolwork and other essential activities, resulting in academic underachievement and social isolation.
The potential for exposure to inappropriate content further underscores the need for parental guidance and responsible media
consumption.

In conclusion, the impact of video games and television on children's mental ability is not a simple dichotomy of good or bad.
While these forms of entertainment offer potential benefits in terms of education and socialization, their detrimental effects on
cognitive development and physical health cannot be ignored. A balanced approach, emphasizing moderation, parental
guidance, and a diverse range of activities, is crucial to harness the potential benefits of screen-based media while mitigating its
potential harms and ensuring holistic child development.