Contents

Introduction ————————————————— 3

The Scene ————————————————— 4

Watch Your Language ————————————— 5

Don’t Let Your Child’s

Behavior Determine Your Confidence ——————— 7

Focus On The Good —————————————— 10

Know When To Wrap It Up ——————————— 12

Get Perspective ———————————————— 14

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Introduction
For nine months I dreamt about what motherhood would be like. I was excited, nervous,
and could not wait to meet my little girl. I felt like I did everything I could to prepare for
parenthood. I got advice, I read articles, I bought all the baby contraptions. But something
blindsided me. It was this ugly thing called disappointment. No one warned me about
this, and I didn’t know what to do with it.

The hardest thing about disappointment is that it crept into my life in the first minutes of
parenthood. My birth did not go as I envisioned it. My baby was healthy but the doctor
we had was less than ideal—a second year resident. I had complications from the natural
birth that took surgery to fix, and nightmares that lasted for months.

From there, the disappointments kept coming. I suffered some baby blues, or angry blues,
as I would call them. And more disappointment came when I realized I wasn’t able to live
out my dreams as a mom. And even though these were eventually remedied, disappoint-
ment still reared its ugly head in other ways.

It struck on a work trip. I wasn’t struggling with angry blues any longer, and I was pursu-
ing my dreams as a mom, but there it was sneaking into every crevice of my life. For some
reason I wasn’t expecting disappointment when everything was going right in life - but
that’s always how life is, isn’t it? I found that when disappointment hit this time around, I
didn’t have the tools I needed to deal with it.

It was then that I knew that I needed to take steps to overcome this disappointment so I
could be a great mom and rise above the disappointment I felt. I didn’t want disappoint-
ment to stand in the way of being a good mom and pursuing my dreams. I needed to fig-
ure this out so I could cope with it in the future.

Here is my story.

-Becca

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The Scene
My hair was done. My car was clean inside and out. My new Weekender Bag from Ever-
lane was packed with my favorite non-mom looking clothes. I was on my first official
work trip to Nashville. It was a big deal for me as my last work trip was three years prior
with the FBI, and now I was traveling with a baby. I had big expectations for the trip. Af-
ter all, my girl is typically a great traveler.

I got up at 4:00am and was on the road by 5:00am. As planned, my little one slept the
majority of the 5 hour drive. But once we got there things quickly went downhill. I felt
like everything that could possibly go wrong did.

Naps were skipped, work attempts failed, crying occurred nonstop, my baby and I came
down with a sickness, everyone around me was a little stressed, our friends’ new puppy ate
the baby soap and got diarrhea, we got 3 hours of sleep, etc. etc. You get the picture. The
trip was a disaster. With a capital freaking D.

I was devastated, sleep deprived, and stressed beyond the breaking point. I had such high
hopes, and nothing went as planned. So I did what any confident mom would do and
threw in the towel. What was supposed to be a four day work trip lasted less than 24
hours. We loaded up the car and started the long drive home.

For the first 3 hours of the drive home she slept. I was overwhelmed with exhaustion and
stress that I didn’t listen to any music, podcasts, or call anyone in fear of waking her. I sat
in silence, alone with my thoughts and the numerous disappointments of the day.

Although I was on the brink of tears thinking about the scenes that had occurred, I real-
ized in retrospect that I was in a season of deep learning. I’ll share some of the lessons I
was given, so you can learn from my mistakes, and work through the inevitable disap-
pointments in your own journey of motherhood.

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Watch Your Language
“This is the worst day ever!” I was sitting in the car with my girl talking to my husband
over the phone. I had escaped here after attempting to get her to nap. My attempts were
unsuccessful despite moving the Pack ‘n Play fourteen hundred million times up and
down the stairs, to the bedroom, the office, and finally the bathroom.

You see, my workmates were working on launching a huge project and my chaos was
making an already intense day much worse for them. I didn’t feel like I could go back in-
side, and it was too cold to walk with her, even though I knew the screaming would sub-
side if I could just take her on a walk.

So as soon as I started verbalizing my feelings to my husband, I began to lose control.

Sanity and rational thinking were gone. Putting a title on this day as “the worst day ever”
was now my reality. I believed it, and I let the rest of the day soak in this truth.

What I’ve learned from this situation is that our words are very powerful. If we verbalize
the positive things our reality becomes such. And the same goes for the negative. So no
matter what craziness envelops you—watch your language.

Flash forward four months. I was on another work trip with my girl and husband and just
like clockwork it happened again. My baby got sick, was fussy, and not sleeping. Poor
babe. She just has had a hard time traveling as she has gotten older.

But this time I avoided negative language. Even though my trip was not going as planned,
I was exhausted from lack of sleep and easily distracted, I avoided negative language. I
knew that when I started down the road of talking negatively I would get over-emotional
and wouldn’t be able to get any work done.

This trip was not going to be the “worst trip ever.” I was so careful this time to only talk
about the good things instead of the bad. What I was saying soon became my truth.

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It was fascinating how talking about the good things changed my perspective. Maybe
there is wisdom to the old saying, “If you don’t have anything nice to say don’t say any-
thing at all,” even though I would roll my eyes every time I heard my mom say this.

And not only will our negative words affect the way we see and feel about our circum-
stances, this affects our children as well. Think about it. Our babies don’t even have to un-
derstand us but when we are speaking negatively we rarely say it with a smile on our face.
They can tell we are unhappy and in response they are often unhappy.

When our kids are older and hear us speaking negatively, they begin to see the world in a
more negative way. Their innocence is slowly stripped away with every complaint we ver-
balize. I know that I want my girl to see mommy as happy and positive. I want her to be
joyful and smile knowing that everything will be alright. She does not need to deal with
this crazy world yet. For now, she can be protected from it by the way I introduce her to
it.

Another example of this is when my husband got orders with the Air Force to uproot us
from our home in Oregon to move to Arkansas. This was really hard on us both, but we
were determined to make the best of it. We explored all the local attractions, the sur-
rounding cities, and tried every outdoor activity we could find. And when anyone asked us
what we thought about Arkansas, our answer was “we love it.”

Our answer was not a lie. We did love it, though it was hard. It was unfamiliar and far
from everything and everyone we knew. Nevertheless, avoiding negative language and fo-
cusing on the positive did something great. It allowed us to love a place that was less than
our ideal.

We learned to love the fact that we knew all our neighbors and saw them most evenings
outside with their kids. We learned to love a different climate because it was like living in
the “tropics” and “arctic” all in one year. We learned that the small town southern hospital-
ity really is like living in a country music song. Our girl will someday tell others with
pride that she was born in Arkansas. And all of this was done because of our words.

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Don’t Let Your Child’s Behavior
Determine Your Confidence
Okay, back to the work trip. I was motivated, ready to work, and excited for this new ad-
venture. Along with all this passion about my new career I had big expectations. However,
when things went south (well, technically east), and my expectations weren’t met, my con-
fidence took a dive. I expected I would be a mom who could go on a work trip while my
baby behaved like an angel.

As things began to unravel, I began to question whether or not I could do this. Could I be
a working mom without a nanny? Could I accomplish what I needed to with a screaming
child? Most pressingly: were my friends still going to be my friends after this weekend?

I was letting my emotions control the scenario. If I would give someone in my situation
advice it would sound like this: it doesn’t matter what your child is doing. When you cave
in to the emotion of your sick, snotty nose baby, you become the out of control mom. You
choose. Will you be calm and confident in the moment, or will you be an emotional mess
and feed off of your circumstances? Don’t cave in. Stand firm.

But why is it so much harder to do this when you are in the moment? It feels impossible.
So here are a few helpful tips to remain confident when your kid is actin’ a fool.

Start Young
If you are past the “young stage” it doesn’t matter. Start today. Training a child does not
happen in a day. And training yourself to not react emotionally takes time as well. But the
sooner you start the sooner you’ll have the hang of it.

Start making the choice to act confidently when your youngster is out of control, sick, or
whatever it may be. Decide that no matter what your circumstances are you are in charge
of your emotions. You decide to be confident. Then do what needs to be done: correct the
behavior of your kiddo, or feed them, or comfort them, and try to move on.

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Start Small
Start out with the little things: the fussing at the grocery store, the tantrum at story time,
the screaming at the bearded relative. Once you can face these scenarios confidently you
will be able to rise above and get away from the emotion of the moment.

After conquering the little things you will be prepared to act confidently when the big
things come up. Like when they hit their sibling, throw a rock at a window, or God forbid
steal a candy bar. This will set you up to not respond emotionally but respond in the right
way, confidently.

Learn From The Best

After living in Arkansas for the first year of my parenting life, I realized I was not sur-
rounding myself with older wiser moms. On a recent trip to Texas I was able to see my
two oldest sisters-in-law working hard to raise their kids. I was so impressed by the
amount of confidence they had even when their kids were sick or not behaving. It was an
art that I did not possess. I realized I needed to have role models in my life like them.
Why not learn from someone who has been doing what I’m doing for a lot longer and is
doing so confidently?

Be Careful Who You Surround Yourself With

Carefully select the people you hang out with. I also witnessed this with my sisters-in-law
by how carefully they select the people they befriend. I believe they understand how
moldable their children are and then try their best to surround them with a good com-
munity of people. This may look like distancing yourself from friends if their children act
like feral cats. And it might look like joining a good church or community group that has
a focus on raising children.

This realignment of the social influences in your life will add momentum to your own
commitment to raising your children well. It can give you tools for teaching, discipline,
raising healthy kids and so much more.

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So remember, if you enter into the wild emotions of your child, confidence dives, and dis-
appointment reigns. If you choose to rise above and stay calm, the more confident you be-
come, and your ability to navigate negative situations improves.

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Focus On The Good
I was so overwhelmed by all the things that were going wrong that I was blind to the
good. Instead of focusing on the good things I obsessed over the negative.

I’m convinced that my Nashville trip could have had a much better outcome if I would
have focused on the good things: the delicious cup of coffee from 8th and Roast, the spa-
like towels in the bathroom, the tasty snacks in the guest room, the restaurants with cre-
ative food that reminded me of living in Portland.

You see, my daughter’s behavior had glimpses of good. It wasn’t all bad. So many times
when we are weighed down by the negative, even the good that is around us is lost. I wish
I would have focused on the times she was laughing and happy in the bath, or when she
looked at me lovingly, or when she finally fell asleep. Instead I was my usual pessimist self
and only could focus on the negative.

Thankfully my husband is a perpetual optimist, almost to a fault. He will say things like
“Oh it will only take five minutes to get there,” when everyone knows it takes fifteen. But
fortunately for me, this really helps me out in my parenting game. I need to learn from
him and stay positive so I don’t fill my mind with negatives.

So even if you are a pessimist like I am, practice optimism; it will improve your outcome
even if things do go badly overall. Of course, to take this step you will almost have to not
acknowledge the negative things. It’s not quite that escapist, though. Simply tell yourself
that, practically, you only have room in your mind to think about the good things.

And then don’t talk about the negatives. If you are having a hard time staying positive,
force yourself to list the things you are thankful for and repeat them in your mind. For
example, when things were flat out crappy on my trips, I told myself that I would soon be
getting at least three hours of sleep, having a great cup of coffee when I woke up, and get-
ting to work with one of my best friends. Okay... so my list wasn’t all complete positives,
but I was trying!

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Another way to focus on the good is to be grateful. When I act from a place of gratitude I
tend to be a little more humble. And for me, acting with humility helps me to avoid act-
ing as if I deserve better. Which in turn helps me overlook the negatives.

Overall there is so much good in this world. It is just so hard for people like me to see it.
If you are the same way you need to fight to see the positive. You need to force yourself to
be optimistic when raising your child. Because the fact of the matter is, you will be disap-
pointed from time to time. It’s how you view motherhood that is important.

Will you secretly label your life as a mom a disappointment and give up? Or will you fo-
cus on the good and commit to raise your children to the best of your ability no matter
how disappointed you feel? The choice is yours.

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Know When To Wrap It Up
I’m not talking about giving up—I truly believe that quitting is worse than failing. But
sometimes you need to know when to wrap things up. Realize that life is a little unpre-
dictable now that you are a mom and you need to be flexible.

And being flexible with your plans is key to avoiding disappointments.

For me this meant setting a date to reschedule my trip and recruit reinforcements for the
next trip—i.e. bring my husband for daddy daycare. I knew this was necessary when after
less than twenty-four hours into my first “work” trip all I had done was respond to one e-
mail. I realized this was not going to be a productive trip and I needed to move on.

For me it was vital that I rescheduled. If I didn’t set a date before leaving, I would feel like
I was quitting. And I needed my daughter, my work friends, and most importantly me, to
know I was not a quitter. I simply needed to postpone and come back with a better game
plan.

For others, it might look like being the mom with the screaming child in the grocery
store who confidently picks up the child and leaves. That doesn’t mean that mom will nev-
er go grocery shopping again. It simply means she has to postpone her shopping trip to
tend to her screaming child.

I think this is one of the hardest things for me. It’s so difficult to change plans when you
are looking forward to the activity. It’s never fun getting all ready for an event and then
having to turn around and go home. But I truly believe that this has been so beneficial for
me, as I tend to be a little set in my ways. After all, great moms display selflessness and
being flexible with plans will help us attain this.

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So take heart friends, let go of the plan, and allow yourself to become more flexible and
selfless.

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Get Perspective
Three hours into my long drive home I broke the calming silence. I had to talk out what
just happened. I didn’t need someone to sympathize with me, I needed perspective.

I called my wise sister-in-law Meghan who is a mother of five boys. I needed to deal with
my own disappointment by venting. Before I let her finish her hello, I let mine out. I
think this was part one in getting perspective.

I hardly took a breath. I kept going on and on about moving the Pack ‘n Play, how the
dog ate the baby soap and had bubbly diarrhea. It felt so much better to have someone
hear me and acknowledge what a tough trip I had.

Then she shared. It was about a time she went to rescue her sister Jenny, also a mother of
five, who was sick with the flu. Her intentions were to rescue her and help out. But when
one of her twins wouldn’t stop screaming and nap time with all the littles proved to be
impossible she threw in the towel, took her kids and left. Her story helped me get some
perspective.

I imagined ten kids in a house, the babies crying and unable to sleep. My situation with
one fussy sick babe was not so bad. She was not telling me the story to make me feel
worse. She understood. No matter how many children you have—that is all you know.
She was simply sharing how intense life with kids can be. I imagined myself in her shoes
and I was grateful for my one fussy girl. That’s why a little perspective can go a long way.

Notice I waited three hours before I called to get perspective. I think if I would have
called right away I would have had a hard time thinking clearly or rationally. I needed to
take some time, slow down, breathe deeply, gather my thoughts, and then make the call.
So whatever you need to do to get perspective, just do it with less emotion than you
might have two minutes after the disappointment strikes.

Another example of this occurred recently. Things around our house have been crazy
stressful. We are trying to sell our house and buy a new one across the country in less than

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two months (thank you US Air Force). My sweet girl, who is now eleven months old, has
been constantly fussy lately. I finally called the daycare on the Air Force base and asked
for a break. I dropped her off for an hour and a half, which was enough time to do a yoga
class and a grab a few things at the grocery store.

When I went to pick her up the staff let me know she had a low grade fever. They were so
gentle and loving with her. I watched as one staff member rubbed her gently and said “I
just feel so bad for her. She doesn’t know us and she isn’t feeling well. That has to be so
hard for her and I bet she’s in a lot of pain from teething.”

My entire perspective changed after this encounter. She was right! Poor girl. She must be
going through such a hard time with all of the stress in our house. Then to top that she
was left in a strange environment with people she didn’t know, all the while feeling un-
well. By this perspective change I was able to see her in a different light. I needed a break
from her and another’s perspective to understand this.

I wonder how many times we are disappointed because our kids are reacting to their envi-
ronment. Sure, kids are sometimes just flat out naughty. But maybe my sweet girl had
such a hard time on my work trip because she was sensing the stress and responding to it.

Next time I will do my best to take inventory of the way she might be seeing things be-
fore deciding to be disappointed in the way she is acting. I will take a break from her in
order to be refreshed and open to hear another’s perspective. I will be wise by listening to
someone else even if I am in the wrong.

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Conclusion
Disappointment will strike during your journey as a mom. The key is to have healthy ways
in place to cope with it. If this is done, a disappointment can turn into an opportunity to
grow, change, and develop more confidence.

Watch your language - you have the ability to shape the outcome by the words you say.
Don’t let your child’s behavior determine your confidence - it is your child, but it is not
you.
Focus on the good - there is a silver lining in every disappointment.
Know when to wrap it up - be flexible; sometimes you just need to reschedule.
Get perspective - it could always be worse.

Join with me and let’s overcome our disappointments by dealing with them the right way.

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