attachment style guide
learn your style, start healing
Romi Siegel
ATTACHMENT
The process of attachment begins in
early infancy based on bonding
patterns between the primary
caregiver and the child. These bonding
patterns include comforting, giving
attention, soothing and meeting basic
physical and emotional needs.
This attachment relates to how we
choose our partners later in life, how
we build relationships and how we
manage the ups and downs. How we
communicate, repair and relate. This
forms a basis of how we connect,
create and maintain intimacy, and of
how well we manage differences.
It is important to note that attachment
styles formed during early childhood
are not necessarily identical to those in
adult romantic attachments.
Intervening experiences also play a
large role in adult attachment styles,
eg. our relationships with other adults
close to us, early romantic
relationships and traumatic
experiences.
Self-Help Workbook
WHAT IS ATTACHMENT?
According to therapists, the If babies and adults are attuned to
environment in which we grow up as one another, this forms the basis of a
children impacts our later emotional healthy relationship in the future, or a
behaviours. Attachment styles are so called secure attachment style.
formed in our early years based on
our first interactions with our parents It is important to mention that later
or caregivers. In infancy we have life factors – environmental factors,
basic needs to be met and based on trauma, health conditions – contribute
how our caregivers respond to these to play into attachment formation,
needs we develop one of four and adjust the ways we act in
attachment styles. relationships. However, according to
attachment theory, our earliest
Babies communicate by crying to have interactions are a basis of a healthy
their basic needs met – food, and secure relationship, and can also
affection, warmth, nurturing, safety, undermine our romantic connections.
protection, consistency, and most of
all, responsive presence – and this
crying alers adults to our needs.
The environment in
which we grow up as
children impacts our
later emotional
behaviours.
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SECURE
ATTACHMENT
Secure attachment is the most common in
western society, with approximately over
50% of the US population securely
attached. These people experienced a safe
and caring relationship with their parents,
where the caregiver was attuned to their
needs. They develop to have a positive view
of themselves as well as others.
They feel good and content on their own as
well as in a relationship, they do not need
constant reassurance or soothing, they
don’t feel the need to be jealous or doubt
their loved ones. They are able to accept
displays of affection, without fear or
confusion. People with a secure attachment
style are most commonly warm, loving, and
lovable.
Approximately 66% of
Western society is
securely attached
CHARACTERISTICS OF SECURE ATTACHMENT
Secure attachment is essential for fostering healthy childhood development and
adult relationships. A person with a secure attachment style exhibits a
consistent, interdependent, and confident style of relating in a relationship.
Securely attached individuals maintain a healthy balance of relying on their
partner and meeting their own needs. Due to this balance, they are able to
create deeper intimacy through vulnerability while maintaining their
individuality.
Selfless, generous and trusting with their partner
Can ask for help when needed, can give help when asked
Confident and decisive in their parterships and life in general
Assume others have positive intentions
Enjoy connection with others and also time alone
Have a strong sense of personal values
Ability to set and respect boundaries
Can trust others and themselves
Initiates repair and accepts repair attempts
Secure people are
able to create deep
intimacy through
vulnerability.
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ANXIOUS
ATTACHMENT
Anxious attachment is a pattern of
behaviour that develops when we receive
inconsistent emotional support and
validation from our primary caregiver.
When children cry out for attention and are
sometimes given love, affection and
soothing, and sometimes ignored, then they
form an anxious attachment style.
If the attention given to the child is
inconsistent, then an overfocus on the
parent develops. This serves as a coping
mechanism tuning into the parent’s reaction
and may later lead into hypervigilance. This
can become a problem in later romantic
relationships, if the child learns that they
cannot survive without constantly seeking
attention and validation from the partner.
The deepest fear of the
anxiously attached is
being abandoned.
CHARACTERISTICS OF ANXIOUS
ATTACHMENT
Anxious attachment relationships are characterised by a concern that others
will not reciprocate one’s desire for intimacy. Anxious attachers crave intimacy
but also remain anxious regarding whether their romantic partners will meet
their emotional needs. Autonomy and independence can make them feel
anxious. In addition, they can become distressed should they interpret
recognition and value from others as being insincere or failing to meet an
appropriate level of responsiveness.
Needing constant contact and support from their partner
Constant need for reassurance that they are good enough
Hypersensitivity to rejection and abandonment
Negative self-view or self-worth
Overly sensitive to other’s actions and moods
Having difficulty setting and respecting boundaries
Impulse to fix things and solve other people’s problems at one’s own
expense
Afraid or incapable of being alone
Ruminate over and over analyse small things
They need constant
reassurance from
their partner that
they are good
enough.
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AVOIDANT
ATTACHMENT
People with this type of attachment are
raised by parents who are strict,
emotionally distant or do not tolerate
expression of feelings. In return their
children become highly independent,
withdrawn and emotionally shut down.
The avoidant adult remains on the surface
when it comes to social or relational
interactions. They do not allow deep
feelings, and therefore often have issues
with forming a secure and emotionally
connected partnership. Avoidant adults
often come off as confident high achievers,
who do well in their careers. But when it
comes to their love lives things are far from
perfect. They have difficulty opening up in
relationships, letting their partner in.
Instead they keep them at an arm’s length
and often give off mixed signals.
The avoidantly attached
are often uncomfortable
with depending on others
and may have difficulty
showing vulnerability.
CHARACTERISTICS OF AVOIDANT
ATTACHMENT
Avoidant attachment style is an insecure attachment style. Avoidantly attached
people generally have a dismissive attitude towards close relationships. They
are often uncomfortable with intimacy and may seem emotionally distant. They
may also have difficulty trusting others and may be hesitant to get too close.
People with this attachment style tend to be independent and self-sufficient.
They are often uncomfortable with depending on others and may have
difficulty showing vulnerability.
Keeping a distance from others, pushing them away when they get close
Lack of emotional closeness in relationships, fear of intimacy
Difficulty trusting others and opening up or expressing their emotions
Unlikely to seek help in stressful situations
Seem distant, unloving or giving mixed messages
Self-reliance bordering on isolation
Confident in their ability to deal with problems themselves
Dismiss threatening events or needs for emotional support
Minimise the impact of positive emotions in social interactions
Suppress outward displays of emotions
They have difficulty
opening up in
relationships, letting
their partner in.
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DISORGANIZED
ATTACHMENT
Disorganised attachment style is the most
rare of the insecure attachments. It is often
present with people who were physically,
verbally or mentally abused as children. For
disorganised adults, perceived fear takes
centre stage in their lives.
Adults with this attachment style lack a
coherent approach in their adult
relationships. They deepy crave to be close
to their partner, on the other hand they are
too scared to let anyone is. They have
trouble believing that their partner will love
and support them as they are. These adults
expect and are waiting for the rejection,
disappointment, and hurt to come. In their
perception, it is inevitable.
Extreme need for
closeness, coupled with
the tendency to avoid
closeness and push
others away.
CHARACTERISTICS OF DISORGANIZED
ATTACHMENT
Disorganized attachment develops from a parent’s consistent failure to respond
appropriately to their child’s distress, or by a parent’s inconsistent response to
their child’s feelings of fear or distress. For example, a child might be
distressed to be left with a new babysitter or unfamiliar caregiver. Instead of
soothing the child or providing support, the parent might yell at the child or
attempt to use fear or intimidation in an effort to get them to stop crying.
Alternatively, the parent might speak reassuringly, but avoid physical contact or
true connection.
Chaotic, unpredictable, or intense relationship patterns and behaviors
Extreme fear of rejection, coupled with difficulty connecting to and trusting
others
Extreme need for closeness, coupled with the tendency to avoid closeness
and push others away
Aggressive behavior toward, or fear of caregivers or partners
Negative self-image and low self-worth
Deep-rooted shame, depression and/or anxiety
Feeling unlovable, inadequate, or unworthy
Adults with this
attachment style
lack a coherent
approach in their
adult relationships.
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OUR CAPACITY
TO HEAL
Despite our childhood wounds and
traumas, we all have the capacity to
heal. Even the most challenging
attachment problems can move
towards being secure. As attachment
happens on a scale, we all exhibit
different behaviours and different
traits of the same style. And while all
insecure attachment styles are
different, we can all practice the same
behaviours to start moving towards
being secure.
There are several steps you can take
towards a better relationship and all
revolve around honesty, improved
communication and commitment to
doing the work even when it triggers
our trauma further. Here is my 8 step
routine to start becoming more secure
in relatiosnhips.
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HOW TO HEAL YOUR ATTACHMENT ISSUE
1. Get to know your attachment style. There are heaps of resources available
online, so whether you take an attachment style test or talk to a therapist it is
vital that you learn about your attachment style, and familiarize yourself with
its traits. Best do it in a non-judgemental way. Try to be as objective as you
possibly can in order to avoid blaming or shaming yourself.
2. Find out your parntner's attachment style, even if
they are not interested in diving into the topic. Just
know that your partner's attachment style can heavily
influence your triggers and reactions, so in order to
heal you need to be aware of the relational dynamics
you face on a daily basis.
3. Be mindful about it. Journal, meditate, do breath
work or go to joga if needed, but make sure you
approach the problem with compassion and
understanding towards both yourslef and your partner.
An attachment style is neither our fault, nor do we gain
from internalized shame for our past behaviours or
thoughts.
3. Pay attention to your triggers. Noticing your triggers
will help you map out your beaviour in your current,
maybe even your past relationships. This will help in
discovering your attachment wounds. It is important to
do this in a non-judgemental way, as your goal is
simply to become aware of your patterns.
"I feel annoyed when my partner gets clingy."
"I feel let down if my partner pulls away from me."
"I want to get close but I"m scared I'll be let down."
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4. Get to know your wounds. As you go deeper and
investigate your patterns, you will recognize a deep
attachment wound. You will notice a pattern of
behaviours that keep resurfacing. For example, fearing
intimacy, fearing abadonement or rejection. Each
pattern will point you to the type of attachment you
carry, and siggests the type of change needed.
5. Know your needs and learn to communicate them.
Being aware of our needs in a relationship is one of the
strongest tools we posess. Our needs are much more
simple, than we or our partner assume, only we need
to be able to state them in a kind and compassionate
way. Perhaps what you need is your partner's
undivided attention when you discuss a problem, or for
them to give you a little space when you feel
overwhelmed. Asking for what we need is a secure
communication technique, try to practice it daily,
without being afraid of the response.
6. Set and hold boundaries. In an ideal partnership
your significant other will understand your needs and
respect them. But as we all come from different social
backgrounds, we all approach relational dynamics
differently. Asking for your needs to be met is
therefore crucial, so is reinforcing your own
boundaries. Often times we need to gently remind our
partners that revisiting the same topic or provoking our
wounds doesn't help us heal. If this doesn't help
perhaps we should consider moving forward with self-
love.
7. Explore together. Co-healing is a beautiful form of
showing and accepting love, so try exploring your
childhood traumas, triggers and patterns together in a
secure and non-judgemental way.
Self-Help Workbook
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT HEALING
WHY IS IT IMPORTANT TO HEAL YOUR ANXIOUS
ATTACHMENT?
The attachment style we have impacts how we choose our partners in life, how
we build relationships and how we manage the ups and downs of a partnership.
This is the basis of how we connect, create and maintain intimacy, and of how
well we manage differences in our adult relationships. Anxious attachments
show up in our relationships in many forms, and unfortunately most of them
has a negative impact. Learning to become secure will help maintain a healthy
self and a healthy connection, as well as a fulfilling relationship.
Attachment trauma is one of the biggest challenges worldwide that people face
in their partnerships, and traditional psychotherapy cannot always offer an
effective solution. However, the benefits of anxious attachment healing has a
significant impact on your life and relationships.
ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT HEALING HELPS YOU:
Recognize emotionally available people
Make the right decisions in your relationships
Cultivate self-dependence and self-assurance
Feel safe without needing external validation
End codependency and people-pleasing
Shift the focus on recognising and meeting your own needs
Develop healthy self-awareness and self-regulation techniques
Love another person fully without the constant fear of being rejected
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HOW TO START BECOMING SECURELY
ATTACHED?
Anxious attachment can be changed, and with effort, self-awareness and
commitment you can start shifting towards secure attachment. It takes open
and honest communication, laying out a 'relationship blueprint' and following
up consistently with it. Secure relationships are based on mutual respect for
each other, the ability to ask for what we need and communicate what we
don't, and the ability to repair and reconnect after a fight.
1. Practice self-awareness and start noticing your triggers
2. Learn about your partner's attachment style and love language
3. Take yourself out of triggering situations and soothe yourself
4. Practice reflecting instead of reacting when triggered
5. Talk about your triggers and traumas
6. Communicate your needs and boundaries to your partner
7. Learn to set and respect healthy boundaries
8. Agree on a relationship blueprint and follow up
9. Practice interdependence in your relationship
10. Give yourself the same love and reassurance you need from your partner
11. Learn to be happy and fulfilled on your own
Anxious attachment
can be changed with
self-awareness and
continuous effort.
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ANXIOUS ATTACHMENT BOOKS
Self Help Workbook for the Anxiously
Attached
A comprehensive journal to help you
discover your anxious attachment and
cultivate secure best practices.
LEARN MORE
The Anxious Attachment Handbook
Your all in one, easy to follow directory to
learn everything there is, about anxious
attachment and hot to heal it.
LEARN MORE
The Relationship Gratitude Journal
The Relationship Gratitude Journal makes it
easier than ever to practise gratitude in your
relationship.
LEARN MORE
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'ANXIOUS TO SECURE' COURSE
Anxious to Secure – Online course
This course is for you if you are anxiously attached and need help getting
started on your healing journey, and establishing a secure self. Are you
familiar with your attachment style, but find it difficult to get started with
becoming secure? Do you find it hard to access easy to digest, yet
comprehensive information and the right exercises to support you? Then
you’re at the right place.
In this super-efficient online course, I will share vital and core knowledge to
help you discover your attachment style and explore the family dynamics that
led to its development. I will teach you efficient, easy to use methods to soothe
yourself and NLP backed exercises to reprogram your subconscious beliefs for
a secure self.
LEARN MORE
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