>I am going to do it. I have made up my mind.

These are the first few words of the

new... the best ... the Longest Text In The Entire History Of The Known Universe!
This Has To Have Over 35,000 words the beat the current world record set by that
person who made that flaming chicken handbooky thingy. I might just be saying
random things the whole time I type in this so you might get confused a lot. I just
discovered something terrible. autocorrect is on!! no!!! this has to be crazy, so I
will have to break all the English language rules and the basic knowledge of the
average human being. I am not an average human being, however I am special. no no
no, not THAT kind of special ;). Why do people send that wink face! it always gives
me nightmares! it can make a completely normal sentence creepy. imagine you are
going to a friend’s house, so you text this: [ see you soon ] seems normal, right?
But what is you add the word semi to that colon? (Is that right? or is it the other
way around) what is you add a lorry to that briquettes? (Semi-truck to that coal-
on) anyway, back to the point: [ see you soon ]THAT IS JUST SO CREEPY! is that
really your friend, or is it a creepy stalker watching your every move? Or even
worse, is it your friend who is a creepy stalker? maybe you thought it was your
friend, but it was actually your fri end (let me explain: you are happily in
McDonalds, getting fat while eating yummy food and some random dude walks up and
blots out the sun (he looks like a regular here) you can’t see anything else than
him, so you can’t try to avoid eye contact. he finishes eating his cheeseburger
(more like horseburgher(I learned that word from the merchant of Venice(which is a
good play(if you can understand it(I can cause I got a special book with all the
words in readable English written on the side of the page(which is kinda funny
because Shakespeare was supposed to be a good poet but no-one can understand
him(and he’s racist in act 2 scene1 of the play too))))))) and sits down beside you
, like you are old pals (you’ve never met him before but he looks like he could be
in some weird cult) he clears his throat and asks you a very personal question.
“can i have some French fries?” (I don’t know why there called French fries when
I’ve never seen a French person eat fries! all they eat it is stuff like baguettes
and crêpes and rats named ratty-two-ee which is a really fun game on the
PlayStation 2) And you think {bubbly cloud thinking bubble}
“Hahahahahhahahahahahahahaha!!!!!!!!!!!! Hehheheheheh.....heeeheehe..hehe... sigh.
I remember that i was just about to eat one of my fries when I noticed something
mushy and moist and [insert gross color like green or brown] on the end of one of
my fries! now I can give it to this NERD!! ” (yes he is a nerd because all he does
all day is watch the extended editions of the hobbit, lord of the rings and star
wars and eat fat cakes (what the heck is a fat cake? I think it might be like a
Twinkie or something)and twinkies(wow so is doesn’t really matter which is which
because he eats both(i may have just done that so I didn’t have to Google what a
fat cake is (right now I am typing on my iPhone 3gs anyway, which has a broken
antenna so i can’t get internet anyway (it’s actually a really funny story that
i’ll tell you sometime)))and sit in his man cave with his friend named Joe (an
ACTUAL friend, not a fri end)and all Joe does is watch sports like football with
bob and all bob does is gamble ferociously (don’t ask(it means he buys all those
bags of chips that say “win a free monkey or something if you find a banana in your
bag*”(if there is a little star it means there is fine print so I always check the
back of the package) *flips over the package* okay, it says: “one of our workers
accidentally threw a banana in the packing machine and we don’t want to get sued so
we did this promotion thing” cool. Oh wow, this is salt and vinegar! my favourite!
i hate cheese and onion.
))and that’s pretty much his life, he lives in Jamaica with Naruto and his friends)
so you give him that gross fri end he throws up all over you and me and the worker
behind the counter who was still making an onion, and THAT is the story of the fri
end, not a friend who somehow remembered your name and your phone number / email so
he could text you saying he would come to your house soon. *finally takes a breath
after typing a few hundred words about fri-ends* so what now? i know, i know, you
think i ramble too much and use too many brackets (i don’t) but now i am going to
talk about my amAZEing day. first i woke up, ate choco pops for breakfast even tho
i always hate it when people say that cause i get jealous and super hungry. then
i... umm... yea! that was my day. you know that other person i mentioned before?
that flaming chicken person? WELL. i will steal something from that person but do
it better. i will... drum roll please ...
badabadabadabadabadabadabummmmmmmmmmmchshchshchshchshbadabadboumboumpoopoopichypich
ypichypowpow-crash! *a drum roll was just playing in the background* that drumroll
was so long i forget what i was talking about. *scrolls up to see what he was
writing about* oh yea! i will make my own FLAMING CHICKEN HANDBOOK! what things do
i like? instead of flaming it could be rainbow, instead of chicken it could be
fluffysheep and instead of handbook it could be handbook (not very creative, i
know) but the total complete name is now to rainbow fluffysheep handbook! to make
life easier for you guys, instead of taking random rules out of book willy nilly, i
will take them out using my favourite numbers! so, section 5040 of the rainbow
fluffysheep handbook states that the king of all oddly coloured farm animals (thats
me!) is allowed to tell you any part out of this book randomly or if it is his one
of his favorite numbers! 5040 is a great number because it is divisible by 60
integers which i don’t know. i’m tired. it is 10:41 and i am getting sleepy... hey
hey hey! an intruder! remember that from pokepals rulers of time and darkness or
something like that! with piplup and sunflora and chimchar! whaoh piplup is really
hard to write on a tiny qwerty keyboard! try it! i realised that asdf is actually
written in order on the qwerty keyboard! (just in case you didn’t know, asdf is an
amazing short video clips cartoony thing on youtube i first learned bout on
flipnote hatena, which is now shut down ) what if one day they get rid of the
qwerty keyboard completely! i will type it out for you just in case one day they
get rid of it. qwertyuiopasdfghjklzxcvbnm. there u go. Goodbye. I’m back! i decided
that i should tell you about fonts. i always used the same font for my whole life,
called arial. the reason is probably because it is on the top of the list in
alphabetical order, and i was too lazy to scroll all the way down. only a few
months ago did i finally decide to change my mind. i scrolled for what seemed to be
an eternity, and i finally got to... are you ready ... arial black. yep, that was
my big SCROLLING ADVENTURE! just yesterday, i was typing something on google docs
and i found the new best font : roboto. its great! i could choose from FIVE
different thicknesses. isn’t that amazing? right now we are driving behind a really
slow “farm plastics collection” semi. i think i know someone obsessed with pokemon,
but i can’t tell you who it is. he keeps making pokepals references and stuff. wow!
you are a very loyal reader! if you have REALLY made it this far then you... get a
gold star on your loyalty chart! good job! this is looking to be the longest text
ever, considering that this was all written in one day. i don’t understand
sandwiches.

if you were to eat bread, mayo and tomatoes separately it would be disgusting! you
know all those fancy magazines/restaurants that always have really fancy food
pictures with meat and brussels sprouts and all the old people say “wow! that looks
great!” and you think {bubble thing} “it looks like the worst thing anyone could
ever eat” and the you eat it and it tastes surprisingly... WORSE than you imagined!
gotta go... im back! ive ive got stuff to say! your probably thinking... HoW DoEs
He HaVe So MuCh FrEe TiMe?!?! And the answer is... i don’t. that’s right. this
isn’t just some SIDE project. i’ve gotta make time to do this if wanna get the
world record. for all i know, the flaming chicken opponent who i will refer to from
now on as sam (i don’t know why) is probably still adding to her posts. (i think i
picked sam because it sounds like ham which is like cooked meat and so is flaming
chicken, so you will remember that now ) i am officially going to make a quote from
the rainbow fluffysheep handbook of knowledge and prestige (sounds catchy, huh?) .
section 777 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook STATES that the king of oddly
colored farm animals (thats me!) is allowed to use whatever font he wants to. [now,
i know what your thinking reader, that has nothing to do with anything. but it will
come in handy someday (maybe)] sam makes me feels sick! im offended! (probably
because i’m jealous of how much is written on that website(i dont even know how to
make a website)) I’VE JUST BEEN READING THIS AND I HAVE DISCOVERED A CONSPIRACY!
THAT’S RIGHT, I AM WORKING FOR DOCTOR SUESS! YES! i will prove it to you. i
mentioned ham and sickness so green eggs and ham somehow! (why is he called doctor
suess anyway? he’s not even a doctor *citation needed* and his books are kinda
dumb! (funny considering i’m the one making that statement)) talking about eggs,
aren’t eggs practically unborn chicken membrane? wouldn’t it be scary if you were
casually eating your brembudder (riotous robots reference (wow! serious compilation
of alliteration dedication!)) and drinking your tae wit’ da guv’na (england doesn’t
even have a govna! *citation needed*)(i’m not even racist i’m just quoting an
accent of a race) and you go to crack an egg for your brekkie and BOOM! and unborn
chicken embryo starts running towards you, picks up a knife and starts screaming
“MAMA! MAMA!” you are so scared that you grab the nearest weaponry (a spoon) and
poke the hideous beast. it is unaffected. luckily, the govener of Berwick-Upon-
Tweed throws a sugar cube directly into the chicks mouth! as you know, sugar is
EXTREMELY poisonous to chicken embryos *citation needed* (no more citations!) and
you are saved! i’m sick and tired of citations! i will quote from the official
rainbow fluffysheep handbook! section 12345679 (all the mathematicians are nodding
their heads while the OCD people are twitching nervously in the corner) says that
the king of oddly coloured farm animals does not have any obligation to write if a
false piece of information needs a citation. great! now i feel like a free person!
free i tell you, free! free from the prison cell i call the boundaries of untrue
info. i think since im going to be the president of somewhere someday, i should
have great speech here it goes: Hello great people of [name of place]! i am here to
tell you; I am going to make [name of place] great again! i am going to lower
taxes, but increase happiness! i am going to buy dog sweaters and bowls for people
with dogs, and do some renovations on peoples tents! yes, this truly is a new era,
the era of Epicness And Coolness! {and so, his tale lived on forever, being passed
on generation to generation, living vividly in the hearts of the people.(that last
bit sounded like the ending of an Asterix comic.)} i will now PROVE that all these
things can happen. the first thing i said was that i will make America (i know, i
know, i gave it away and told you the name) place grape again.

(yes, that is what i said, bear with me here) i hereby DECLARE that every piece of
American soil must be covered in vineyards. someone told me i should do that. i
think i heard it through the grapevine (bad jokethat nobody understands) the next
step is to lower taxes and raise happiness. to lower taxes i will get rid of all
hospitals, and spend the taxes all on building fun playgrounds. this in turn,
raises happiness (for the kids and for the non-injured if you know what i mean).
finally, i will buy dog sweaters (on sale at your local liquidation world!) and dog
bowls (just use little human bowls maybe?) and last but not least i will do renos
on peoples tents (send chip and joanna from Fixer Upper to all the camping places).
and, since all i said was (partial) truth, it will be a great era. anyway,
gotttttttttttaaaaaaa ggggoooooo. bbbbbuuuuuuyyyy! im back. i just had thanksgiving
while listening to christmas music and it was fun. we had bacon, ham and chicken
but no turkey. its fall, but it’s ACTUALLY winter secretly. im watching a funny
show. i’m back (even though i never said i was gone so you might be confused) hello
loyal reader! if you have gotten this far without SKIMMING THROUGH then you are
probably either lying, extremely bored (but not after reading this whole thing!) or
VERY and i mean VERY dedicated. or all three. you know those homeless people that
sit on the ground and ask for money? i think its all a conspiracy! after all, uow
can they afford those dogs, sharpies, cardboard and enough english education to
write “need help”? back in the roman times, only the richest, most important people
could get things like that! you know the new fad, ‘black surfboards’? (neither did
i until 15 seconds ago) someone related to me thinks they look really cool, i think
they are neat but SOMEONE also related to me thinks they are bad because they would
get warped. someWHERE ohohohohohohover the rainbowwwwww that reminds me, i was
doing my normal thing, when BOOM! i started typing NONSENSE. so here it is, but be
warned. its SCARILY NONSENSICAL. HeRe GoEs: The Epicness – Hi how are you? Smells
good ya! Think about that buddy (shower time) heheheheHAHAHA well thanks a lot so
called buddy. Random things: joe be utterly hatin. Dat be da bomb – Tink about
tanking me. Interview: how does Joe like his pepperoni? “I be liken how I always
eat it.” What first comes to Bobby’s mind when I say flabbergast? I don’t know,
Flapper dress maybe that be it (20s style) hey dere ma-name JeFf... Hell Ome Ine
Ame Isej oe hey hey hey! an intruder! (DID U NEVER WATCH POKÉPALS?!?! im offended.)
ANYHOO, the cattle hopped above the earth orbiting asteroid (a TWIST on an old
tale) Are you OCD? Then don’t read anymore: :):):):):):):):):):);):):):):):) OR:
8)8)8)8)8)8)8)8)9)8)8)8) (I Know It’s Annoying} ocd&gmail.com (https://gmail.com/)
[i annoyed you again) —A Nice Story— {one day an old man said yonder} heyyyyyyy
(WHY DID HE WINK AT ME IT’S SO CREEPY) {the old man continued} hellllloooooo there
young laddddiiee boyyyy (I NEED TO GET AWAY FROM THIS MAN) i think I’ve... SEEN YE
ARE OUND BAE FAR HAVANT AYE? (TAKE ME AWAY FROM THIS HIDEOUS BEAST YOU CALL A MAN!
I WAS ONCE A HAPPY BOY, AND THEN HHHEEE STARTED TALKING!!!?!?!?! THIS IS
UNNNNNACCEPTABLE!! :):):):):):):) mwahahaha! MY ATTACK PLAN IS READY!) {THIS IS
WHAT HAPPENED} kills -> —The End— Today is the day of justice. Today the world will
be DESTROYED! Mwahahahah! Someday the whole peanut of existence will be chipped
into The Edge. But then again, maybe it will be forever remembered as the one who
saved the mintrolls from the mighty Orc king, and the one who was forever changed;
transformed into a giant floating peanut. hello it’s me i was wondering if after
all these years you would like to meet -> hey chow gotta beat chow gotta beat chow
Hey HEY____________________W W W W W[]_____/\__<>___/\_____ GEOmetry DAESH One day
i want to fie to da MOOOOOON!! aheyhayhoy. soametime the sky looke BLOOE, but it
actually YALLOE. af yow cane andarstend dis santanse dan yowr umaizang.

somedaaaaaaaaaaaaaay, OVer theRAINBOW, WAY UP HI,Oe’r da skie -> @,|3,[,|),£,|=,

€,|-|,|,7,|<,|_,/\/\,/\/,[],|*,0-,|~,$,-|-,\_/, \/,\/\/,}{,¥,%. |-|£||[], /\/\
¥ /\/@/\/\£ |$ |3[]|3|3¥. | @/\/\ \/\/|~|-|-|/\/€ |/\/ @ $£[|~£-|- [[]|)£ []/\/|¥ @
|-|\_//\/\@/\/ [@/\/ \_//\/|)£|~$-|-@/\/|). That was it. i know what your thinking
(i think i do at least) but i’m not going to tell you. BURNED! HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA
FEELS THE BURN! sorry, i had to much sugar gotta go you know bro do. I’m back! and
i gotta new conspiracy for u! you know how EVERY child hates brussels sprouts! this
is why i think so. Brussels sprouts were happily growing in their belgiumy home.
everyone loved them! they were the chicken nuggets of the vegetable world. when
suddenly... DA DADA DA! Hitler comes to Belgium (dont read this if you don’t want
to. hitler was happily taking over Austria and Poland when he then decided to take
over France but France built a big wall thing to keep him out on the border between
france and Germany so all Hitler did was go through Belgium to get to France and
THAT is when our story is taking place.) and he makes all the brussles sprouts
taste bad simply because he is near them! the Mulligan family is about to go to
McRonalds and order 43 brussels sprouts (you would have to have been paying very
close attention and know some math to understand that joke) and when they get them
(after lots of quarrels with the manager (a bit of a parker square if you ask me
(you probably don’t understand that either(if you want to feel like you know all
these inside jokes, just look em up on the web! your sure to find the videos made
by lumberpile(close enough))))) they taste so bad you throw up everywhere! Hitler
may have caused WWII, but he also caused brussels sprouts to taste bad. so there
you go. why do they always write WWII? (if you can’t tell, they always write
double-u double-u eye eye) wouldn’t it be more accurate to write WW11 or WW2? If i
keep writing at this rate, i’ll beat the world record in no time! i might even
print it all off and write a novel! too bad i probably don’t have any readers.
hello there non existent reader! i hope you are having fun. and i hope you are not
injured cuz of that whole ‘no hospitals’ conundrum. what else should i talk about?
how bout Minecraft? just in case you don’t know, Minecraft is a fun game where you
place blocks and stuff and you play with friends and most people who play it are
like 10 years old but I not and i still have fun and you can’t judge me because I
wanna be an engineer and if I wanna be an engineer then i should probably not waste
my time playing games wow that went downhill from benefitting me really quickly.
Anyway, I prefer the Redstone side of things (Redstone means wiring and stuff). I
build stuff like 5 piston extenders and auto wall builders and calculators and
computers (not those stupid computers that use command blocks (just in case you
don’t know people, command blocks are like CHEATING THINGS and if I am talking
about them i will probably not be happy)) and stuff cause i wanna be an inventor. I
also do c++ and make things like search engines, text adventures and cookie
clickers! My current BIGGEST project is 600 lines long and I don’t know if that’s a
lot but it sure seems like it to me! (when I was typing in the word lines it auto
corrected it to ‘lies’) what’s with the whole naming appliances fad going on?
(There isn’t really one) like that vacuum named ‘Henry’ that I have. I have the box
here and it says on it it can twist the top part which I never knew before! I just
woke up but the anticipation of whether this whole Henry twist bit this is true is
killing me and I think I might wake up just to see if its true. Nahhhhhhhhhhh! This
text is getting so long it’s getting laggy just typing on the same notes on my
phone! I gotta start a new one. See you in another life, brother (Desmond in Lost
reference). iiitttttttttsssss Johnny! I’m someone mcmann and today we are taking
with bee mc wasp.

*clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplauseonelonelymaninthebackscreamsbecausehegotlosthe
wastryingtogettonemotheclownfishmoviebutnowthereisagiantbeeslashwasprightthereandhe
isreallyscared* Thank you, thank you! Now, mister Bee, what you do all day long?
Well I’ve gotta say Johnny that all i do is spend 14 hours a day eating and then
spitting what I just ate into a residential area! Wow, that sound like my great
aunt large (i typed in Marge but it auto corrected)! *Laughterlaughterapplause*
Then what happens to that SPICY MILK?(Jim Gaffigan) It’s actually not milk, Johnny
that regurgitated blob is then stolen from us and eaten by people! well...
That’s.... Amazing. *suddenly feels nauseous* Well *blech* it’s time for a *hurl*
commercial break. Yes, real breaks! (Every commercial is about breaks)*** (fake
Bronx accent) do you like twinkies!?!? Yeaaaaaaaa! Do you like roast turkey!
Yeaaaaaaaaa! Then try the all new exclusive limited time only in a store near
you... (Anticipation is building up more then the mould in my bathroom) The kit kat
turkatwinky! It is beautifully tasty *citation needed* ! Have a break, have a
twinkiturkey [its the other way around, I think] ...Next Commercial... (Annoying
Hawaiian music) do you wanna go on a holiday (more music) then take a trip to (calm
music that goes like ‘bowawawoh’) (sudden intense heavy rock) HAWAIYA! You can do
great things like... Get eaten by sharks, fall in volcanos and get lost and sea!
Buy tickets now for only e = mc^2 easy payments of a=2b +- _|2c -4ab—3c! [(man in
background) ummm bob? ... Yeap? ... (Japanese) Det idit na codect spaech ... Oh,
we’ll we’re out our air time, sooooooo...] {kshshshshsh} -Next Commercial- has THIS
ever happened to you? You are up to your normal everyday antics when... BOOM!
HAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA! Your crash and BREAK your brand new 2004 ford mustang bike! It’s
actually a tooth ow sand ant fore fjord moose tangy (a painful white mouth bone
small ground up rock little hill building insect golfing safety viking ravine big
deer sour patch kid bike) and didn’t have insurance! Buy some right now for only €1
a month (talks really fast) warning: not actual ‘insurance’, it’s actually ‘inch
your ants’ which is a bag of inchworms and ants this company is not responsible for
deep regret after purchases*** (clapclapclapclapclapapplauseapplause) Welcome back
to AHAGAHAGGGHGHGHGHGGG!!!!!! [(sound over intercom) emergency -emergency! everyone
evacuate!! Go go go!!] {you ask someone while running away} what happened!! (Man is
panting and very tired (wait... He looks oddly familiar...)) the bee/wasp thing...
It is stinging people! I knew it! It’s my fri end!?!? this whole thing is going
down in an infinite spiral of nonsensical blubber! {poof} wow! That was a fun
dream! That was my stuff today. Gotta go! I’m back! Someone related to me is making
a huge campfire in our mudroom using only a tealight and matches! It’s sparking...
And fizzing... And poof! {the room is filled with smoke and out of it walks a tall
bearded man} hello there! You must be Bilbo Baggins, reader! Have you come to kill
Smaug, the Fire Dragon? Or as Sauron would put it: ???????? (Yes, I speak Japanese,
another random surprise DESTINED FOR GREEEEEAAAAATTTTTNEEESSS!)
bochebobochebobocheedoooooooox2 CiTy Of StArS! I KNOW YOU’RE SHININNG FOR ME SITTIE
UV SHTARS! I know your shinin just fore meyyyyyyy (lalalalalalalalaland won the
oscars slash awards stuff and then they didn’t i think in 2017
heheheheheheheheheheheh) *THIS IS A PUBLIC SERVICE ANOUNCMENT: i am not in a very
good mood and my writing may be affected * what’s up with SPRAY CHEESE! Like what
the heck! Its like cheese but like in like a can!!! What is wrong with people! What
was that person inventor of cheese in a bottle person thnminh! (ummm...

Figure it out) he was like what the hey I want cheese but I don’t want cheese that
comes in hard form cause then it is weird so if it comes in liquidy form then it
seems more like real milk so its less FAKE! *Wheeze* Cheese is a Breeze *achoo!*
(if you can’t figure THAT one out then you need to get your flubber out of here!
(Flubber is that bouncy stuff in that movie where there is bouncy stuff that
attaches to pope’s shoes while they play basketball (not popes, stupid auto-correct
(speaking of hard things, that reminds me of the Hardy Boys who were like magicians
or something(which reminds me of sailing the DIRTY ISLAND ESPAGNOL!))))) every day
I’m shuffling: heyheyheyheyheyhey gangnam style like whop whop whop whop whop whop
gangnam sssstttlllyyyeeetllllyypiie! Have you ever heard the song DOWN DD DOWN DD
DOWN DD DOWN DOWN DOWN? WELL IT IS A COOL SONG WITH FASCINATING LYRICS HERE IT IS
TYPED BY YOUR TOOTHY: To be or not to be That is the question What is nobler in the
mind Through the toils of slings and arrows Of great fortune And when i slept i had
a dream A dream of great sorrow And i will have that dream At least until tomorrow!
UMM... WRONG ONE... HEHEHEH... WELL LET’S TRY AGAIN: Food & Drink: Apple (crunchy)
Artichoke (chew before you swallow!) Avocado (replaces banana in cookies) Banana
(replaces avocado in guacamole) Beef (burger) Beetroot (gotta good beat) Bun (for
burgers) Burger (for buns) Cake (i’m gonna bake a caaake) Cantaloupe (an orange
melon) Carrot (an orange banana?) Chicken (don’t be scared!) Dill pickle (not a
gherkin) Egg (from a chicken) Eggplant (from a dead chicken turned into dirt by
mushrooms) Fig (figrolls) Fish (i wish for a fish to decorate my dish) Grain (good
rain) Hot sauce (frank hot sauce) Icecream (not even a real food!) Jam (not from
grapes) Kebab (okay, bob) Lemon (sour orbiter (or bitter)) Melon( a green
cantaloupe) Mince (beef/pie) Nut (he’s crazy!) Omelette (let me take your ohms
which is a currency somewhere) Paska (what the hooey is that) Pasta (makes more
sense) PeanutPickle (that sounds disgusting(were those separate?)) Pie (not from
grapes) Pineapple (the apple from the pine tree) Pizza (pi*z*z*a) Quiche
(pronounced keesh) Radish (doesn’t it look cool dude? it looks rad...ish) Steak
(put a wooden stake in a cow to obtain) tictac (the clock goes tick tack tick tack)
Turkey (not for MY thanksgiving) Turnip (kinda like a radish) Upsidedowncake (it’s
the same as normal cake but upside down) Vinegar (eww) Whiskey (ewww) Wine
(ewwww... STOP WINEING!) Yam (popeye says: i yam who i yam) Zucchini (for all the
animals who live in the zookeeny) Wow! That was fun! Gotta Go Bro Yo Know! I’m
back! If you have honestly made it THIS far, reader then you have just been
promoted from ‘some reader’ to ‘stable keeper of the rainbow fluffysheep’. Isn’t
that fantamismo? Somedddaaaayyyyydf oooooohhher three
rainbowfluffysheeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeep there is hope! There is life! There are
unicorns in the darkness! No more trolls! No more orcs! We are free, free from
everything that’s bad! Great is the smorgasbord of a plethora of strawberries!
Bootsandcatsandbootsandcatsandbootsandratsandchutesandratsandchutessandratsbandchut
essandratsbanned! Yaaaaaaaa! Salut! Je m’appelle francais! French is absurd, French
is the word! I don’t even remember typing that! It’s so late a night my eyes are
bulging out of my sockets because of the brightness on my phone! Now, I know what
your thinking. TURN DOWN THE BRIGHTNESS, KING OF RAINBOWFLUFFYSHEEP! I will tell
you why I shall not. Because on an iPhone 3 there is no easy access to get to your
brightness. That’s for the WIMP. I’m hardcore. That’s why I Have typed a step by
step tutorial on how to change the brightness on an iphone3 for you to read, in the
comfort of your own home! (Or wherever your exciting life takes you) 1. Click the
button on the top right of the phone to turn it on. 2. Swipe from the left to the
right on the bottom of the screen. 3. Type in your password and the phone will
unlock to the home screen. 4.

Click on the Settings App (Your Almost There!) 5. Click on the

‘Brightness/Wallpaper’ Tab. 6. GOOD JOB! ALL U HAVE TO DO IS SWIPE THE LITTLE BAR
THINGY! that’s why I don’t do that. I don’t have THAT much time. I think. Halloo!
I’m in London and I’m hangin out! Now I’m back though. This is extremely
frightening. Whenever I type words then my phone reads it out to me. Strange.I just
turned it off. Good thing too, since every time i heard it i turned around and
punched the wall. Not out of fear for my life because of the impending imminent
doom, but out of a pure piqued curiosity. Once you obliterate the wall once, every
latter time you lose that satisfying crunch. One thing I have aspired to accomplish
for a long time now is to make my own pun-themed conspiracy theory. Here goes: in
section number 115132219018763992565095597973971522401 of the rainbow fluffysheep
handbook (i am very proud of that number by the way(*cue all geeks Laughing
hysterically*)) STATES that the shearer of greatness (who’s that again?) has proof
the the solvence of the illuminati (if you solve something, would it be called an
act of solvence?) and forherbyshared proclaimences all right to own half of all
southern states who share barbeque preferences (none([southern dialect] it ju bring
a tear to ma eye knowin tha the founding fathers fought for freedum, an’ fer
unitee. Ye still the states Connor decide on a preferred bar bee q sawse :()) even
if he does not want them. And now gentlemen and ladies, I will prove once and for
all that the illuminati ... Is real. Here goes: So, as everyone knows, the
illuminati is represented by the pyramid with an eye in the centre. Do you think
that it is merely a COINCIDENCE that the first letter in illuminati is i, and I is
pronounced ‘eye’? I THINK NOT! Let’s continue. What is the first thing you think of
when you hear the word pyramid? Exactly! The first thing you think of is Egypt?
Nooooo!! It’s that they’re big. Duh. So what is the first thing that you would say
when seeing a pyramid? “Wow that’s big?” No of course not random audience members
indicated by the two line things! You would make the sounds of a mesmerised chimp,
like “Oooooh” and “Ahhhhhhh”. And I know how these two things are connected! What
temperature would it be in Egypt? Hot, that’s what! So hot that it feels like you
are cooking a pan. Ahhhhhhhhhh pan, to be precise! And what county sounds like
apan? Japan? Now is it just a COINCIDENCE that that Japanese word for big is ‘Oo’?
NOOO!!! These things are all connected, I just don’t fully know how yet. So, we
know that the answer has something to do with being big, but what? for these kind
of questions, you have to work backwards. I call this method, Reverse Solvency.
Anyway, what did the rich (big) people do to the poor (not big) Egyptians around
the time that the pyramids were built? Exactly! They sold em’ that sounds like
soldier! In French that’s gendarme! Gender! That’s what they are trying to tell us!
It’s so obvious, in front of our very EYEs from the beginning! So, what gender is
associated with being big! (This is gonna be slightly offensive) Males, obviously!
(I’m sorry *audience member calls out* don’t be sexist! Sorry, but you have to
admit, men are usually fatter than women! “Hey, now you’re being sexist to males!
We have our rights, you know!!! Chauvinists! Communists! We are great! Who insists?
Communists! We will rule with hate!!! ” ummm actually I was saying that men are
fatter because back in the time of the PYRAMIDS if you were fat you were considered
wealthy. “Now your sexist to us again! Feminists rule! Feminists are great! We are
going to rule with hate!!” If you both want to rule with hate , just hate each
other equally so this can be over with!!!! Thank you. Anyway, back to the
conspiracy) Where were we? Oh yes. Men! What word has men in it? Fishermen, of
course! Fishermen caught a lot of fish, and what did the Egyptians have a lot of?
Gods! Fishermen used to go slow in boats, so we can remove the g forces, and we a
left with ‘od’.

And where are the fishermen!?!? In the sea! The ‘c’! And what kind of fish do they
catch? That’s right, the ‘Cod’! Now, we use are backwards method to come up with
‘Doc’. As in a doctor! What does a doctor do? Helps people who are sick! But do you
know what the worst thing about doctors is? You still have the pay the doctors fee
even if you are not sick! And mind you, the doctors fee is quite a large bill, and
I wouldn’t want to go to the doctor not even for a bee sting! Alas, This is as far
as I have gotten. Can anyone help me? Um yes, you? “Yes, I was just wondering what
Big, men , ooo, not bees, Bills , and sickness have to so with the Illuminati! ”
wait anonymous audience member say that again! “But like, it was a lot of words”
[the writer remembers that he is not allowed to copy and paste, so he skips the
dramatic scene where one character says his sentence again while the Maine
character says aha! I think I got it!] “got what? The flu?” Who the heck are you?
And how did you get backstage? Security?!?! SECURITY!!!!! “yes sir?” What are you
guys wearing?! “Obviously we are wearing tiger skins, for camouflage!” Now I don’t
even have security to take all the psychopathic people in here, because my security
are psychopathic themselves!!! Annnyyywwwaaayyy... I figured it out! Bill, no bee
and sick! No bee is actually no ‘B’, the letter! The only b we have is in bill! And
if you take it off, what do you get. “ill” . And what is a synonym for ill. Sick.
We have gotten pretty far on our journey of solving the question of the illuminati,
although we have not quite accomplished the full desired outcome yet. What did all
the most important people in egypt do when they were not prosecuting the poor? They
were eating, of course! And what were the poor doing in their spare time? What any
law-abiding heartwarming lovely citizens would be doing? Playing Sports, of course?
And where are the rich buried? In coffins like boxes. When someone dies, hey eyes
turn into 24pt roboto thin-line x’s in italics. Huh; box, x. An XBox of course! And
what company makes sports for an Xbox? Electronic arts. We’ve all heard of ‘E A
Sports. It’s In The Game.’.if the rich are ‘eat’ and the poor are ‘ea’ the only
letter not used in both is the letter T! As in tea! A tea is going to come in
handy. Even the word eat is just an anagram for tea! It’s all starting to make
sense to me now! It’s all fitting together like the pieces of child’s jigsaw!
Remember the plagues on Egypt? One of those must be a clue, but which one!? For
this, we need to go back to original illuminati ideas, the eye and the triangle.
What number do they have in common? 3, of course! A triangle has three sides! If
you asked someone to draw a shape and the only hint you have them as to which shape
it is was to tell them ‘3’, then chances are they would draw a triangle! It even
has three in its name – tri-angle! And how many color cones does an eye have? You
guessed it, three. And the third plague is: let’s see here... Gnats. What has a
gnat got to do with anything? That information is probably gnat even right (LOLZ)!
Anyway, let’s keep going, there must be more to discover yet still. Who was the
last pharaoh in Egypt? Cleopatra. She’s so famous, that there have been books and
movies made about her! The movies would have been very old, if they were made when
she was alive. So old in fact, that they probably used those old cameras with the
crank thingy on the side and the reels. Remember the fishermen from before! They
connect! The ‘reels’! I think we now have all the information we need to prove that
the illuminati is real. Lets see, what do we have: ill, oo, men, a tea, is gnat,
reel. What happens if we squish them all together. Illoomenateaisgnatreel.
Illoomenatea is gnat reel. Oh. Well, good thing we got that cleared up. Guess what
peeps? I have made it to 35000 characters! Why is that so significant, you might
ask? Because the world record is 35000 words! That means that all I have to do is
replace every letter with a word.

Like this: instead of writing ‘I’m back!’ I could say ‘internet mascara beagle
Australia catamaran kipper’ and all you do is read the first letter! This would
probably make for some nonsensical blubber, as one might say, but at least i’ll
beat the record! Also I have another Up-to-standard word idea to get more writing
in! Instead of just writing a normal sentence I replace all the words with their
respective dictionary definition! Yes, writer, that is a good awesome cool
convenient and simple idea! So here goes: ‘jumping cacti ate many jars containing
marmalade’ -> ‘any of numerous succulent plants of the family Cactaceae, of warm,
arid regions of the New World, having fleshy, leafless, usually spiny stems, and
typically having solitary, showy flowers that are leaping or springing over an
object the past tense of to take into the mouth and swallow for nourishment
constituting or formulating a large number of a broad-mouthed container, usually
cylindrical and of glass or earthenware currently holding or including within its
volume or area a jelly-like preserve in which small pieces of fruit and fruit rind,
as of oranges or lemons, are suspended.’ Wow, that took longer than I expected.
Just so I don’t get sued, I am now informing you that those pieces of information
were sourced from a well-designed, helpful and informative website currently named
dictionary.com. (https://dictionary.com/) And now, a word from our sponsor.
*Kshhhhhhh* Have you ever been sick before? Then this pill is for you! We have a
100% guarantee that you will never get sick again! Warning: the reason you will not
get sick is because you will die. Buy soopapill in your local pharmacy for free!
That’s right, the low low price of nothing! They’re so cheap, we’re practically
giving them away! Also included is a satisfaction guarantee: if you are not
satisfied with this product, then there is a full refund money back guarantee.
Kshhhhhhh thank you for that lovely message from our sponsor, hooey kablooie. I
need a topic. Not just any topic that you find on the floor, but a topic so
magnifico, so delisimo, and so interestinio, that I that I fall on the ground in a
seizure. I got one! This is a short skit entitled: ninjas: explorers of time and
space! *intense music builds* yes sensei! I will punch that piece of wood so hard
that it creates a wormhole in the 6th dimension! My apprentice, you have trained
hard. There is now a one in one times ten to the million chance that using this
wormhole will send us to a earth-like planet that will be habitable for all ninjas
in the clan of the ninjapeeps. All hail the ninjapeeps! (You don’t actually have
to) who said that?! Who would have the audacity to threaten the ninjapeeps all hail
the ninjapeeps in such a way! I did. And you are? The Writer. Nice to meet you, my
name is senseinohi, but that’s sensei to you. Howdy pawtna! No, we are actually
japanese, not texan. Kong-nae-chae-waw, pawtna! Sensei, don’t respond! Don’t you
remember what this man did? No. He was the one who disarmed the hailing of the
ninjapeeps all hail the ninja peeps! Oh yes, that’s right. Sorry dude, but PREPARE
TO BE THROWN INTO THE SIXTH DIMENSION, YOU DIRTY RASCAL! The sensei grabbed his
handheld torpedo launcher and shot it at The Writer. It hit him and pushed him into
the board! Do it! The Apprentice hit the board with all his might, and it broke
apart. Not how you would think though, it actually compressed into a wormhole,
shifting the spacetime fabric around it! (Now I know what you’re thinking, reader.
Don’t ‘They’ always say to make a story believable!? And to that I say... but it
is. You see, if you are a small minded gherkin (hey! You! No insults or we’re going
to have to stop this little ‘play’ of yours!) ok... whatever. You probably believe
that when you push something, the far side of it moves instantly, right? WELL YOU’D
BE WRONG! Actually, the opposite side of the object moves in the same time it would
take for sound to travel from you to it. Here’s an example: there is a lightning
bolt with a hand far away from you.

When it strikes the ground, it pushes a meal pole towards you, so one end is in its
hand while the other is in yours. You will get pushed back at the exact time you
hear to thunder! Isn’t that fabulous? That means that if the ninja punches faster
than the speed of sound (a lot faster though) then he will be able to compress the
board into a space time warping black hole) The Writer is plunged into the endless
oblivion of the cascading incomprehension that is the sixth dimension. Little did
the ninja peeps all hail the ninja peeps know, when you are in the sixth dimension,
you can teleport right inside people and objects! (It actually depends on what kind
of sixth dimension you are in. If you are in a four axes two time dimension, as in
this skit, you can moves backwards and forwards in time and change the outcome of
time, yet not travel directly to any possible outcome which you may have formed in
the past. Also, with another axes under your belt, you can essentially disappear
and reappear at will, yet with a time delay, which is nulled due to your cacophony
of dimensions, specifically time.) so what The Writer did next was simple! He
simply went back in time, and landed inside the sensei, causing him to not be
thrown into the wormhole, causing him not to land in the sensei... This is making
less sense as we go. In the end, the universe gets confused, and tells us a
message: universe.exe has stopped responding. Noooooooooooooooo — Yep. And that is
what I do with my life essentially. Gotta go now sea ya! I’m back! With a
conspiracy that will blow your minds/mind if you are human! Zooreka is the easiest
game to play if you have the slightest bit of mathematical knowledge! When choosing
what to roll for, it is sooooo obvious which on the choose using basic knowledge.
I’m not going to tell you, because next time you play it you will figure it out (if
you even HAVE zooreka). Now that I think About it, that wasn’t really a conspiracy,
was it :(. I have a reward for you reader. If you have truly made it this far
than... Give me your email and I will send you the answer to the zooreka challenge,
free of charge! Send an email to [email protected], inquiring. Also,
you can ask me any other important questions you might have! In section 18w08b of
the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it CLEARLY STATES that the king of oddly colored
farm animals (that’s me!) will reply to ANY email set to the inbox of
[email protected] to the best of his ability (not including spam
tho). Hey! I just realised that when I wrote the word color, it get a red squiggle
underneath! What a sham! ShamWOW! In section 18o25g02i22 it states that anyone, not
only the king of the oddly colored farm animals, is allowed to spell color without
a u! Hurrah! Hurrah! Three cheers for the rainbow fluffysheep handbook! (But that
was only two, Harold. Whatever.) and that, ladies and gentlemen, was the way Color
was born. THE END. I’m back! And do I have an exciting subject for you! No! I
don’t! Ha, gotcha there, didn’t I! Wow, it just started raining. Oh wait, it’s
snow! Not just any snow, mind you, but it’s topicsnow! Yay! All these great topics
falling softly from the sky. What could be better. I’m now walking down the street.
Hey you! Ye? Is that a topicman? Yes sir, tis! Well ain’t that great. If want to
get the best topics, I must climb mt.Big. Hey look, there’s some kids having a
topicball fight! How fun. Noooooo! A topicalanche! (That doesn’t even make sense!!!
The word avalanche doesn’t even have the world snow in it! ) Since I died, i didn’t
get any topics. Sooooooo yea. *cue awkward elevator music* ding do do ding dong
ding do do ding dong. *taps his foot* *hums 90’s pop song* grabs chainsaw from
behind his ear and cuts the elevator cord, plunging the box of awkwardness in to
the darkness of forgetfulness and loss of meaning. Forget... Forget........... You
drift into a deep dreamless sleep, waking up to an elevator of twisted metal
wreckage resembling a dead animal carcasses. Beside is the corpse of... of...

an onion?!?! Wow, who knew onions could be so awkward :o. I just read what I wrote
and it makes less sense than I thought. Little did you guys know, that today you
would get a great piece of text to read. I didn’t even know that. You know that guy
from shamWOW! He always said all these great things about that weird sponge? Yea,
that was a short topic. Im gone. Im back! Wait, how did i type if i was gone? With
my mmmiiiinnnnddddd... woooooooo creeeeeeeepy! Anyway, this is what i was thinking.
I feel really sorry for water molecules! All they do all their lives is slowly get
raised up slowly until they land in a cloud with their friends! Wahoo! Or, so you
think. In reality, at any moment they could fall to their impending doom! They drop
thousands of meters to the ground, only now realizing that they are miles from
home!! They take the nearest river trying to get home, before repeating the cycle!
They teach us this horror story in kindergarten, masking the brutal morbidity of it
by articulating the conundrum using macroscopic convoluted words! Like
‘evaporation’, more like flying up to the sky knowing that it’s your final moment –
ation! Condensation!?!? More like con – ned by your kindergarten teacher inti
thinking that this means water gently floating to the surface of the earth, when it
really means death by lack of parachute! How could you be so – dense – ation!
(Public service announcement: this is an anonymous relative spakin’: *where is he?
Dunno.* this was test, and only a test. Had this been a real public service
announcement then i would have – not been here! Harharhar ! Stop making fun of
harold! He was only late for that one clock commercial and now you guy just have to
– its OK bob, i don’t care about the Larry squad. They don’t bother me no longer.
KK harold..... umm... this was a te – wait, did we already do that part? Uh, ya i
think so.... so this is awkward. Ya, sooooooo – *in the echoey distance* cut to the
commercial break! What the heck do i pay you for? To... get... you... coffee, sir.
Oh, you the coffee boy? Why the hack did my coffee not have any cream in it
yesterday!? I almost burnt my mouth into non-existence! I was told not to put in
in, sir. By who? Lets just say i got a... Higher Calling. You... you m-m-mean that
The Boss called? Yes, budget cuts he said. No more cream he said. No more name-
brand cereal! Nooooo if my cereal is packed in a bag i swear on my neighbors
cousins dogs bone that i will take every cereal bag, pour out all the cereal, and
put them into the boxes that i saved from the name brand cereal!!! Is this...
you... you wouldn’t. Oh, try me. Yea, now that i think about it you probably would
do that. Why was i here again? Oh ya... CUT TO A COMMERCIAL ALREADY! We don’t have
any commercials sir, we got voted unanimously by popular vote not to have any
commercials. Well obviously the public didn’t want... didn’t... di- it all makes
sense now! The budget cut is BECAUSE of us not playing enough commercials! But sir,
our quota ends tomorrow! We need to have played 50837 commercials! There is. Only.
One. Way. Play all the commercials at 100x speed! Is that even LeGaL?! Of course it
is! We might have to have an epilepsy warning at the start though. Don’t people get
epilepsy from watching fast images? This is a radio station, so people can just
hear it! Ummm... this is an earlepsy warning! HAHAHAHAAHAHAHAAHhahahahhahha hehe
he... heh. That wasn’t funny, steven.) And back to our regular program. I just
started a sentence with a preposition! Isn’t that, like, seven years bad luck or
something? Well I can solve that. Section 1 of the Rainbow Fluffysheep handbook
says that the king of oddly colored (not coloured like some LOSERS would write)
farm animals has full veto to start any sentence with a preponderance. (What the
hooey is a preponderance? It says here that it means to be greater than something.
Well, the king of oddly colored is full of preponderance towards everyone else!
Mwahahaahaha!) Now i can start with a preposition too. Well that worked.

(The reason that I used the number 1 is because it has become forgotten among
numbers. You see, 1 isn’t considered a prime number! Like what the hey! Its only
factors are one and itself!) Do you think that when a particle is beckoned into
existence, it uses one of those slot machines with the big arm? And the 777 of the
particle world is getting... Hmmmm. I actually have now idea. Maybe just hydrogen!
Hydrogen is pretty sweet for blowing people up. But then when your becoming a
particle, you have to use it and see what you get. A typical particle would be at
one. Here is an example: *cue southern accent* sweat was rolling down my face like
the Rolling Stones. I can’t believe it has come to this. I force my hand over to
the lever on the side of the machine, which appeared to be taunting me. It’s lights
and horror movie little-kid-singing-or-jack–in–the–box (the reason i did that is
because I was putting a space between every word, AND jack-in-the-box already has
them too) seemed to violently clash against the darkness and dread of the outside
world. I clenched the red metal ball with all my might. It was cold as Alaskan ice
on a early winter morning, and its color was the blood of the many particles who
had to go through with this also. I jerked my limb backwards, causing the huge
metal pole to turn on a skewed axis. It came to a stop after turning a quarter of
the way with a hard crack, like the crack of a whip. I refocused my attention to
the screen. The cylinders were rolling faster than A grands prix racers tyre.
Suddenly, the first one came to an abrupt halt. I stared at it, but struggled to
read the letter because of my complete shock. H. It said H. I should have been
happy, I know, but I wasn’t completely out of the woods yet. There was a tiny times
two symbol beside it. I didn’t care. I pulled the arm again, not knowing what life-
changing, devastating thing was to come. It spinning thing that doesn’t have a name
stopped. O. No. It was the letter O! Now I too will have to live this tortuous
fate! Do you think that water parties breathe? Because then, when they did, they
would just be hydrogen for a very short amount of time. ENOUGH WITH THE WATER
PARTICLES!! I have a conspiracy theory! You know those spinny poles that barbers
have? Of course you do! They are probably used to hypnotise people into getting
their hair cut there! #subSPINinalmessagesfromcruelbarbers. There is a haircut
called “meet me at McDonald’s” that is BANNED where I live. goodbye. and
remember... barbers are eevviill! I’m back! Did you know that palm trees aren’t
actually trees? Yea, that’s right, palm TREES!!! I think that they’re bushes or
something. That makes me angry! in section 6.02214129×10^23 of the rainbow
fluffysheep handbook it says that trees are trees.. no matter how small (Horton
hears a who). On a completely unrelated note, there was this old man who painted a
baseball like infinite times so now it’s like the size of a truck. I was listening
to this amazing radio station and this is ACTUALLY what it was about. I will try to
rein-act it as accurately as possible. “Recently, a Russian double-agent was
poisoned in England. Also, there was a man who had ten million euros, which he
gambled until he got nine million of it back. he was so mad that he didn’t get it
all, that he robbed his employers to get the money back. now he is a counsellor for
people struggling with a gambling addiction. he’s a great lad, he is, he’s had a
great life. By the way, its my mother in laws 100th birthday today! Go over to her
house and say hello! I have her post code written on the back of my phone. Also,
there was a man who invented the windup radio and the shoe phone charger who died
this week.” I know what you’re thinking: there’s no way this actually happened,
right? YES THIS WAS REAL! And I thought it was pretty funny hehehe. I need write
all o the funny things that happen in my life in here.

So today I was in the library, minding my own business, when I noticed someone was
drawing cartoons and there were a whole bunch of little kids surrounding him (I’m
guessing from ages 2-5). Classic movie plot device that never happens in real life,
so I was already skeptical. He was drawing a zombie. “And now you see, the zombies
chin is like a chimpanzees bubblecopter asparagus. (Wait what? Lets try this again)
And now you see, the zombies chinos like a... Well... A line.””why does the zombie
look like its from the Simpsons?””because real zombies are too scary for you kids.
That’s why I’m not drawing the ones from the walking dead, for example.””I’ve seen
that movie!””yeah me too!!””umm.. Ok, how many of you guys have seen the walking
dead?”*everyone puts their hand up* the only reason I thought that story was funny
is because that kind of thing only happens in movies. What’s up with the saying,
‘easy as pie’? Like what the hooey! Pie is really hard to make. The pie crust
always ends up being soggy.’piece of cake’ is a saying too! What’s with all these
people that think baking is easy! (Now that I think about it, this is a weird thing
to be mad about). Maybe I just need to calm down. NOOOO!!! In section 888 of the
rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that the king of oddly colored farm animal
(that’s me!) hereby declares that the sayings ‘easy as pie’ and ‘piece of cake’ are
now changed to ‘easy as bread’ and ‘piece of bread’. I just realised that I was
typing with my phone in portrait mode! Now I turned it into landscape and I feel so
freeeeeee!!! I need to come up with other things that I do randomly... Like the
rainbow fluffysheep hanbooks challenge booklet subset! If I am talking about some
random subject, I will now randomly put a challenge for you, the reader (which
probably doesn’t exist) to do! Piece of bread! In section 7 of the rainbow
fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset it STATES that your challenge is:
get anyone you know to say piece of bread instead of piece of cake! (They probably
won’t do it unless you tell them the reason (or you have really good friends)) i
have to shorten the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset so that
I don’t have to write the rainbow fluffysheep handbooks challenge booklet subset
all of the time. From now on, it is considered TRFSHCBS. I probably news to add
vowels to pronounce it. And take out ‘the’. RAFLUSHEHACHABOOS. Pronounced ra-fluh-
shee-ha-cha-boo-s. that’ll work. I need to write more to fill my writer quota. That
just sounded cool to say. I probably write about... 100 words a day. Well I started
today at the zombie thing, so yea. What’s going to be the next big thing in the
future? Technically, I’m writing this in the past, so you guys can email me at
[email protected] and tell me what the future’s like! The only
problem is that I will only receive it in the future. Another one of my BRILLIANT
ideas gone down the tubes. Goodbye. The world is unjust! I worked for hours on end,
making an app for a coding competition. And then they announced... We made it to
the country finals! The COUNTRY! By that time, my app had over 5,000 downloads! It
was amazing. But we came in second. Guess what the prize was for second?!?! TAKE A
WILD GUESS!!!! NOTHING! This wouldn’t have been so bad, but at the competition they
were giving away free stuff. And GUESS WHO GOT SAID FREE STUFF?!?! MY BROTHER,
THAT’S WHO!!! So in the end, after spending half the year doing a competition, my
brother, who did absolutely nothing, got more out of it then me. The world is
unjust! Unfair! Prejudiced! Biased! Fascist! (Wait, that was autocorrected). I just
needed to get my anger out. When I wrote autocorrected, it autocorrected it to
autocorrect ex! That’s the last time i buy an apple product. How many devices
companies are fruit? There’s apple obviously, and blackberry, and pear (I’ve seen
pear shops in cities) and raspberries (as in the greatest computer of all time,
raspberry pi).
That could be the most expensive fruit salad ever! What would you like to order,
moisuer? I’ll have the fruit salad. Oui, oui. Harold! That costs $5k! So? I bet
it’s good! KSHHH and here’s how the skit would have went if I had autocorrect on.
Why would you like to order, moisture? You guys have moisture in this restaurant?
that’s not up to the code for restaurants. i’ll have to tell the building
inspector! Oh yes, anyway, I’ll have the fruit salad. Out, out! Runnnn! I’m coming
Harold! That waiter must have something about fruit salad! Maybe he had a bad
experience as a child. Wow, I sure went off on a tangent. Do you think that it
would be cool if apple made all their devices different fruit names! The iPad pro
could be the watermelon, cause its so big. And the iPhone nano could be the
strawberry (other berry names are trademarked) what else? A phone with a lot of
space could be the peach, because the pit is like the hard-drive! (That was a bit
far fetched) and the MacBook could be an orange because when you open it it it cut
in the inside... Cuz laptops are like two parts... You know? (and if you cut a
grape in half and put it in the microwave it will make plasma (just thought you’d
like to know that)) Earbuds could be cherries because they always have the two
cherries which are like the ear things! And they’d call the charger ‘The Root’. Why
a great idea! I will let apple use these names and I only need a 0.00000000000001%
share In the company. Even though I did work hard at this. I just thought of
something amazing! If you are in a shop and you see a jar of nondescript sauces
(mayacamole) and it costs two bucks. TWO BUCKS!!! You know for a FACT that the shop
just across town sells them for one-fifty. The shop is five minutes away. If you
choose to go to the shop, then you my friend are working for minimum wage! (Except
in the case that you have to walk back. If so, just buy the mayacamole at the
former option( or just get salsa. It’s on sale! (Which probably means that its
old))) wasn’t that interesting? Here’s another situation. You are buying a $400,000
home (average price right now I’d say) and you think “what a steal!” And your
neighbour thinks “where did i put that shotgun cartridge again? But is you think
about it you are working for 1,667 weeks to pay for that! (Assuming 8 hours a day,
five days a week at minimum wage) That’s 32 YEARS! Let’s say you work for 12 hours
a day, seven days a week for $20 an hour, that’s still 238 weeks! That’s still five
years! Just buy a camper van for goodness sake! I just got to thinking; how many
tiny changes would a cereal company have to make to earn twice as much from a box
of cereal? (Assuming people still bought the same amount ( I think I can trust the
general population)) it turns out that if we want to double the profits by
decreasing things by ten percent, we would have to do it seven times. Which means
instead of selling these cornflakes: Box height: 1 meter; Box length: 1 meter; Box
width: 1 meter; Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 100%; Percent of
box filled with bag: 100%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 100%; Production
cost: 10 cents; they could sell these: Box height, width & length: 0.9 meters;
Percent of cornflake that is cornflake ( not air): 90%; Percent of box filled with
bag: 90%; Percent of bag filled with cornflakes: 90%; Production cost: 9 cents;
they would make double the profits! Hooray! Well that’s that. You know how people
always have weird names on the interweb? Well I came up with Internet name
generator! (Random adjective)(Random noun)(Use a deck of cards for this part. Take
out the jokers and face cards, and tens are now zeros. Pick out numbers until you
get a club) additional things include: (pick a card. If it is three or lower, put X
at the start and end)(pick a card. If it is an ace, replace noun with random
country. If it is a two, replace noun with Internet related company + fan.) let me
try this. Here is what I got: FoulSoup31, XxInternalAle10xX,
StrengthenedFillet49458, MediocreElectrode20, and EpicRedditFan7515.
That was a lot more accurate than I thought it would be. Bye. Hello! I need to rant
more! I am going to start a sentence without knowing where it is leading. I wish I
could buy a mocha for my clown pants while aliens eat your toes which glisten in
the sliver of wind. That was fun. Why is orange so popular? There are SO MANY WORDS
that don’t rhyme with other words too, like engine, silver and angry (hangry isn’t
a real word as far as I know). And people know that orange rhymes with “door
hinge”! Some people say that doesn’t count. But there is another! Sporangia! Well,
it’s pretty close. I think it’s like fern spores. Well remember, whenever you see
the color orange, type #boycottorange, so people stop taking pictures of orange
things. For Halloween, people will carve watermelons instead of pumpkins. Trump
will no longer be president because of his orange skin. Oranges (the fruit) will be
replaced by reds! (The soon to be fruit). The sun will disappear, or if we want to
not go extinct, just change its color to blue. I have a map of Europe on my wall,
which has the countries in different colors. BEWARE IF YOU LIVE IN: The UK, Spain,
Hungary, Latvia, Bosnia and Herzegovina, Greece, Denmark and Armenia. You guys will
soon disappear off the face of the earth. And my favourite pop is club orange!
Nooooo! And Jupiter will disappear too! Now that I think about it, losing orange
things wouldn’t be that bad compared to other colors. Like blue. We would lose
water, blue paint, the second book in the Rust comic book series, the sky, Pluto
and that one triple angry bird. That would be awful. In section 255 of the rainbow
fluffysheep handbook it STATES that the king of oddly colors farm animals (me
again) will never make all blue things disappear, but he may make all orange things
disappear. Now you guys don’t have to worry! :)! Why are kings higher than queens
in a deck of cards? That’s really sexist! People think that king is worth thirteen
and queens are worth twelve! (If you can’t tell, I’m mocking that people that get
offended by everything). Why do vegetarians worry about hurting animals, but not
plants!?!? Plants have feelings too (I think)! In fact, vegetarians kill MORE than
carnivores. Instead of a whole family eating a chicken, if they are all
vegetarians, then they will probably kill hundreds of plants! Think about THAT,
people! In this whole LoTeEv, I have probably offended a lot of you guys. Sorry
bout that. In section 1029384756 of the rainbow fluffysheep handbook it says that
if the mug of oddly colored farm animals (me again) offends any reader, he is
sincerely sorry *citation not needed because of section 12345679 of the RFSH*. Why
are the money symbols not consistent? Like there’s €uros, ¥en and £ounds. But why
$ollars? Maybe it’s supposed to be dollar$. That makes more sense. Now I won’t get
that nervous eye twitch every time I see that symbol. “Hey look, I just found this
ten dollar bill on the ground! Hey why the flop is he doing that?” “It’s just... a
Thing that he does...” “Oh.” “I have a great idea for this! Whenever he gets near
money his eye twitches! That means we can find money on the ground just by watching
him!” And that’s how I lost all my friends. It turns out that was the only reason
they liked me. Wait what is this ?? That is so ?eird. Goodbye. I’m back! Hahahaha
gotcha! I was just kidding about that. But you would have never known that! I’m
going to try to make words using only the top row of letters. Hmmmm... Lets see.
Tip, rip, port, type, write, writer, typewriter. Fascinating. I’m going to make a
fake movie trailer. Using only words. Here we go: [Have you ever...]{scene of old
woman churning milk}[wanted to...
]{scene of older woman churning what is now cream(the reason she is older is not
because it is a different person, but because we filmed it after}[churn your own
butter?!?!]{scene of even older woman churning what is now butter (the reason she
is even older is because we got a new actor because the other one retired (she used
to put tires on her vehicle, and now she does it again))}[This is a great movie, if
you are an IDIOT][“this is a great movie”][i had popcorn while I watched this
movie, and I really enjoyed it, it soothed the pain of having to watch that movie]
[“I really enjoyed it, it really soothed”][i actually really enjoyed the movie!]
[wait... What? You know we’re not paying you guys right? Oh. Anyway, “I actually
really enjoyed the movie!”][while being on an oil rig?!?!]{well... No, but anyway
(shows a picture of an old woman churning butter which is thick and black and worth
a lot more than butter)}[Coming soon to you][this summer][and fall][and winter as
well][lets just add spring too][The Lard of the Rigs] That was actually fun!
{Warning: if you use this movie name you will BE SUED actually now that I think
about it you probably won’t. In fact, if you DO actually make this into a movie,
send it to me} Do you guys think I’m random enough? I really hope so! In section
5647382910 of the RAFLUSHE – I can’t remember. That challengey things name. But
anyway, make that movie. Plz. I’m board. And not just any old barn-wood planks,
mind you, but a board of fine stained oak as the flooring in the White House. By!!!
I’m back! No, just kidding, I’m front! I have a topic that I’m actually very
serious about. Puzzles. Am I the only one that thinks that puzzles are the most
useless thing in the world?!?! That’s like the PROOF that the human race have made
it too far. When we actually make challenges that we have to face OURSELVES, AND WE
PAY FOR THEM! We are literally paying to give ourselves problems! We have enough
problems! Well at least I do ;). Probprobprobprobleeeeeemsomomo! I’m going to type
something about politics to sound super cool. As you know, recently president Obama
(That was like years ago) oh... Sozsozsoz. As you know, recently president Nixon
(no, that’s not exactly right) Oh yea, I forgot. As you know, recently president
Lincoln (ARGH! We are not doing this anymore) was a president before Donald
(finally) Duck! (Nooooo! It’s TRUMP) What? No! You think you’re SOOO smart person
who talks in the brackets. Actually, trump is a businessman in that show where he
says YOU’RE FIRED!!! What, you probably also think that a bodybuilder actor that
says “GEAT TOUW THAE CHAEOPPAER” is a governor too!?! Hahahaha... Donald Duck was a
great president. His slogan was “I will fight for american democrats” and he bathes
in gold. What a great job. Money is so dirty though! Now that I think about it, he
probably gets the money wholesale from the mint. Or else, how could he afford it?!
I have a new segment in my text now! It’s called the “Random Fun Fact” segment!
(Now that I think about it, I never know when to use those “. I think it’s “” when
someone is talking and ” for saying something sarcastically or shortening a word.
For example: “Hello there Chuckie! How’ya doing ‘nice guy’. Were you being
sarcastic? Yes, but how could you see the little apostrophes when I’m talking to
you?... Science.” And that’s how they work) where was I? Random fax! I will send
all of my readers a fax with has facts on in! How brilliant! The facts of the
paragraph are... Ice cream was invented in china, something that is ‘blue’ (got it
right there!) Is actually every color BUT blue, and I like cheese. And the country
of the paragraph is... Mexico! Why not, right? Did you ever wonder how records
work? (Just in case you don’t know, a record is a thingy where you put a round
black thing on a majig and it puts a sharp whatchamacallit on that and funny
rhythmic sound emerge and tickle your ear holes) I know how they WORK, with ridges
and diaphragms and blah Blah BLah BLAh BLAH... But how do they WORK?!?!