CHAPTER 4: SOCIAL AND EMOTIONAL DEVELOPMENT

According to the American Psychological Association, intelligence simply means “how well our intellect
functions”. Intelligence quotient (IQ) includes qualities like analytical skills, logical reasoning, ability to
relate multiple things, and ability to store and retrieve information. IQ is conceptualized and formulated
by Alfred Binet, a well-known French psychologist in the field of psychometric tests and then later
further developed Louis William Stern, a German psychologist and philosopher. Psychologist and
psychometricians often utilize standardized IQ tests to measure one’s intelligence. This test involves
questions related to reading comprehension, mathematical and verbal analogies, visual-spatial patterns,
logical reasoning and classifications.

The performance of students in school is closely correlated with their IQ. Emotional intelligence (EQ) and
social intelligence (SQ) are two types of intelligences that are equally essential in supporting the progress
of the learning process. However, these intelligences are not quantifiable by IQ tests.

A. SOCIAL INTELLIGENCE (SQ)

The concept was formulated by Edward Thorndike and was later reinvented by Daniel Goleman and
Howard Gardner. Thorndike defines SQ as, “the ability to understand and manage men and women and
boys and girls, to act wisely in human relations.”

According to Socialigence, a venture specializing in the development of ‘Social & Emotional Intelligence’
through its e‐learning course rooted in neuroscience and psychology, SQ refers to the ability of an
individual to recognize other people's emotions and perceive implicit behavioral cues in order to choose
the best and appropriate response in a given situation. In an article reported by Psychology Today, SQ
was further explained as something that evolves from experiencing people at first hand and eventually
learning from their mistakes and successes. People who are regarded as socially intelligent have the
natural ability to make good judgments. They can carry on conversations with different personalities
through communicating appropriately using tactful words. This is regarded as “social expressiveness
skills.” They usually behave in a more practical and sensible way. In layman’s term this is more
commonly known as “street smartness”. Being on the street, or in the trenches, or whatever low to the
ground metaphor you prefer, requires you learn to trust your own judgment about people and what
matters. SQ requires a basic understanding of social beings and a set of skills for successful and
meaningful social interaction them.

Will Chou believes that social knowledge is all for the future. People developed social intelligence to help
them survive, and it's all about finding out how to get along with others and emerge from a situation
with a positive outcome. In contrast, people with low SQ often displays unsociable behavior. They make
others feel irritated, inept, and unappreciated. A individual with a low SQ is frequently not unsociable on
purpose. Their actions are often the result of a lack of social knowledge, comprehension and
understanding of how their actions affect others. Even if you are the most qualified applicant based on
education and eligibilities, a lack of social intelligence could fail you from getting the job. Low social
intelligence might get you into a strained or ruined work relationships.

Goleman’s conceptualization, is captured by two broad categories (social awareness and social facility)
and four (4) capacities for each category. The definitions of these capacities are:

A. Social Awareness:

 Primal empathy: Feeling with others; sensing non-verbal emotional signals.

B. Social Facility:
  Synchrony: Interacting smoothly at the nonverbal level.
 Self-presentation: Presenting ourselves effectively.
 Influence: Shaping the outcome of social interactions.
 Concern: Caring about others’ needs and acting accordingly.

No one is socially intelligent at birth. Rather, it is a collection of skills that a person acquires over
time. SQ is learned and practiced. Some people are born with more natural social abilities than others.
Some behavior may be easier to adopt, whereas others may necessitate more time and effort. Here are
other ways to help you improve your SQ:

1. Learn to create rapport with people. Learning to connect well with people by making them feel
comfortable around you by feeling like they are being listened to and understood.

2. Listen actively without interrupting. Humans love to be heard. Allowing them to speak freely allows
others to see you as compassionate, trustworthy, and caring.

3. Develop empathy. Learning to be in “another person’s shoes.”

4. Avoid miscommunication and misunderstandings. Learn to express yourself clearly. If you’re not
certain about something, feel free to ask.

5. Think before you speak or act. Taking the time to think before acting or speaking helps us avoid acting
rashly and regretfully later.

6. Give honest opinions in a non-judgmental way. Majority of people value a sincere viewpoint
articulated in a non-critical manner. When people believe they will not be judged, they are more likely to
open up.

7. Respect cultural differences. Be familiar about the culture where you live. And if you are planning to
enter a new social environment, learn and understand the rules and social norms for appropriateness of
behavior. Being adaptable and open to new ideas and experiences is beneficial.

Another way to improve ways of relating to people apart from improving individual’s SQ is
improving emotional intelligence (EQ). It which was first coined in 1990 by John Mayer and Peter Salovey
and later popularized by psychologist Daniel Goleman. Emotional intelligence refers to an ability
understand our emotions and other people. Emotional intelligence is more about the present, and thus
more closely related to emotions and feelings. By reading someone’s face, you can tell whether that
person is happy, incredibly nervous before going into a job interview, or shy because that person
happens to be in his or her own corner in the middle of a party.

Emotional intelligence is typically broken down into (4) core competencies:

1. Self-awareness - the core of everything. It describes your ability to not only understand your
strengths and weaknesses, but to recognize your emotions and the effect they have on you and your
team’s performance.

2. Self-management - the ability to manage your emotions, particularly in stressful situations, and
maintain a positive outlook despite setbacks. Leaders who lack self-management tend to react and have
a harder time keeping their impulses in check.

3. Social awareness - the ability to recognize others’ emotions and the dynamics in play within your
organization. Leaders who excel in social awareness practice empathy. They strive to understand their
colleagues’ feelings and perspectives, which enables them to communicate and collaborate more
effectively with their peers.

4. Relationship management - ability to influence, coach, and mentor others, and resolve conflict
effectively.
 When EQ and IQ come together, they form ESI, or Emotional and Social Intelligence. ESI
competencies are those linked to self-awareness, self-management and relationship management, which
enable people to understand and manage their own and others’ emotions in social interactions.

Technical skills and IQ are not enough to differentiate who will be the best leader, while some
may wish that was the case. ESI competencies, rather than IQ and technical ones, are responsible for the
gap between the performance of those leaders that are great from those just deemed average.
Fortunately, while IQ often gets set in stone early on in life, ESI competencies can be learned and
improved over time.

Over the years, EQ has evolved into a must-have skill. Goleman highlighted the importance of
emotional intelligence in leadership, telling the Harvard Business Review, “The most effective leaders are
all alike in one crucial way: They all have a high degree of what has come to be known as emotional
intelligence. It’s not that IQ and technical skills are irrelevant. They do matter, but...they are the entry-
level requirements for executive positions.” Research by EQ provider Talent Smart shows that emotional
intelligence is the strongest predictor of performance. And hiring managers have taken notice: 71
percent of employers surveyed by CareerBuilder said they value EQ over IQ, reporting that employees
with high emotional intelligence are more likely to stay calm under pressure, resolve conflict effectively,
and respond to co-workers with empathy.

For us to excel in various roles that we play, be it that of a parent, spouse, friend, supervisor,
teacher, leader etc., it is important to first have an insight into how emotions work and a skill to observe
someone’s nonverbal behavior to understand the counterpart emotions in people we are relating to. It is
not some talent you are born with. It is a skill that can be learnt, practiced and mastered.

Transactional Analysis and Ego States

Eric Berne (1960) came up with a theory about communications which he called as transactional
analysis. In his theory, Berne called communications "transactions". This theory was further elaborated
by Thomas Harris in his book called "I'm OK You're OK." He used a model called "Parent, Adult, Child"
communications. A basic understanding of T A can help us evaluate our communications and improve
communications by being better able to deliver adult communications.

Transactional Analysis suggested that communications can be divided into three basic types.

1. The Child Ego State. This the basic way all children enter the world. Within this state are three
dimensions.

1. The free child who is fun loving, inquisitive and wanting to be liked.

2. The rebellious child

3. The manipulative child

2. The Parent Ego State. This is based on our childish understanding of parental rules and
understandings. This state has two parts.

1. The critical parent

2. The loving and kind parent

3. The Adult Ego State. This is the rational part of us. The Adult Ego State functions by gathering
information and making decisions based on fact. This is an objective and unemotional state. It is not a
state based on years of life lived or on maturity. Children can function in the Adult Ego State.
 The theory is that we have each of these states present within us all the time. Depending on the
situation, we operate from one or another of the three positions. The person we are communicating to is
also operating from one of the three states. Some communications can work well between states, and
some work much less well.

An example might be a person who is acting angry. Most likely anger is from the "Child" state. If
you want to address anger, you could begin the response to anger as a "Loving Parent" to quickly
establish the communication, and then switch to an "Adult" communication to complete the response.

Analysis of Strokes and Life Position

From our earliest beginnings, we are born needing and seeking contact to survive and thrive.
Throughout our lives we receive this contact through various types of verbal and nonverbal
communication such as a smile, hug, praise for something we do or who we are. In transactional
analysis, these modes of contact are called strokes. Berne described stroking as a recognition’ that one
person gives to another by way of act or speech. Exchange of strokes is one of the most important things
that people do in their daily lives. Understanding how people give and receive positive and negative
strokes and changing unhealthy patterns of stroking are powerful aspects of work in Transactional
Analysis.

Types of strokes:

a) Positive (a.k.a. ‘warm fuzzies’) and negative strokes

b) verbal and nonverbal (a.k.a. ‘physical’ strokes)

c) conditional and unconditional

According to TA theory, at some point in childhood, we all make some critical conclusions about
ourselves and the people around us called a life position. Life position is a belief about ourselves and
others that justify future decisions and behavior. Other people would call these beliefs as existential
positions or basic positions.

1. I’m NOT OK – You’re OK

This position is depressive, it is characterized by feeling powerless and lacking in comparison with others.
This is the universal position of early childhood, being the infant’s logical conclusion from situation of
birth and infancy. At the age of 3, a child made have come to the firm conclusion that he is NOT OK
because being young, the child is weak and unable to do many things others can do. If repeatedly put
down, then the “I’m NOT OK” attitude may be taken with the child throughout his life. If that happens,
the person runs the risk of being anxious, depresses, passive and in general, a loser. By contrast, the child
may be impressed with the fact that his/her parents are OK. They are right, proper, correct, to be
admired, the way a person ought to be. There is OK-ness in this position because stroking is present.

2. I’m NOT OK – You’re NOT OK

This is the most futile and helpless position of all. There is no way to turn for help; others won’t help and
you can’t. Nothing seems worthwhile. At the least, this is an unhappy state of affairs and in the extreme,
such a person’s only recourse may be to withdraw into the utter hopelessness of depression or insanity.
This may result in self-destructive or violent behavior.

3. I’m OK – You’re NOT OK

This is a self-centered, self—serving position. They are occupied by those who project their difficulties
onto others, they may be blaming and critical. He/She is OK and if something is wrong, it is always “their
fault”. Transactional games that reinforce this position involve a self-styled superior (the “I’m OK”) who
projects anger, disgust, or disdain onto a designated inferior, or scapegoat (the “You’re not OK”). This
position requires that there be someone to be ‘worse than’ in order to maintain the sense of self as ok.

4. I’m OK – You’re OK

This is probably the best-known expression of the purpose of TA which is to establish and reinforce the
life position that recognizes the value and worth of every person. This is the healthy attitude. The ‘Adult’
must be realistic, aware, and tolerant but in control of the ‘Child’ and the ‘Parent’. People occupying this
position will be collaborative and accepting of themselves and others. TA regard people as basically OK
and thus capable of change, growth and healthy interactions.

The four life positions were developed by Frank Ernst into the well-known OK Corral shown
below.

Developing Social and Emotional Skills

Growing social and emotional skills is developmental. As children develop, so do these skills.
Much of a child’s learning is based on interactions with others in their environment. Social and
emotional skills can be taught and practiced in everyday real-life situations. They are best learned in a
social setting taught by parents, those in a parenting role, teachers, siblings, and peers. As a parent or
someone in a parenting role, promoting your child’s social growth and supporting their independence
are essential. This teaches key social and emotional skills like self-awareness and self-regulation.

Social and emotional development is a lifelong process. It starts at birth and continues
throughout adulthood. For example, the skill of self-management is learned when a child can control
their emotions and wait their turn. This same skill is learned as an adult when an adult can control their
emotions when faced with inappropriate behavior from their child or from their colleague at work.

The benefits of strong social and emotional skills are associated with improved behavior lower
levels of emotional stress and positive wellbeing. Social and emotional skills are also associated with
doing better in school, and obtaining a stable full-time job.7 Having social and emotional skills can help
avoid unfavorable situations later in life such as being arrested by police and substance misuse.
Developing social and emotional skills in adults can increase their success at work, help them achieve
career and personal goals, and receive higher pay. These skills can also help adults be more creative,
have healthier relationships, better manage stress, and achieve greater self-awareness.

Ways to Support Social and Emotional Development

As a parent or someone in a parenting role, there are many ways that you can support your
child’s social and emotional skill development and ultimately improve their mental, emotional, and
behavioral health. Some ways include:

A. Building Awareness - Increasing social and emotional awareness in your daily life is the first step
in developing social and emotional skills. This means noticing when your child is doing something right
and letting them know that you noticed. Recognize cues and respond. (e.g., “You are rubbing your eyes
and yawning. It makes me think you might be tired. Let’s cuddle for a minute and then take a nap.”) If
your child has a sad facial expression, name the feeling and respond with empathy. (“You seem really
upset about this. Are you feeling sad?”).

Another way is starting to notice when your child demonstrates any level of social and emotional
skills. Then, name the skills (“I notice you are moving toward the toy that you want. Great problem
solving” or “I just noticed you pause and reflect for a second before you responded to your brother.”), so
that your child can start to identify what the skills are right after they demonstrate them. Then, ask your
child to name the skill (e.g., “Your sister just did something different, what did you notice her do?”) or
ask your child to notice what they did (e.g., “You used a great skill right now; what did you notice you
did?” or “That conversation went really well; why do you think that is?”). Having your child connect the
behavior with the social and emotional skill will help them build awareness.

B. Modelling the Skills – social and emotional skills are developed through watching others and
learning from their behavior. As adults, you are constantly modeling for those around you, whether it’s
your children, subordinates, or family members. This doesn’t mean that you must be perfect. As
someone in a parenting role, you don’t always have to do things right. Admitting mistakes and being
willing to recognize and apologize for the impact your actions have on others are opportunities to grow
important skills in your children. What it does mean is that when you make mistakes, you should talk
about them with your children. When you admit failure without delay and are willing to apologize, your
children are more likely to develop a growth mindset and develop their own social and emotional skills.

C. Focusing on Decision Making - it is helpful for you to focus on how your child makes decisions.
For young children, find opportunities to support their decision making by giving them choices, “Would
you like pancakes or an apple for your snack?” For older children, get curious about the thinking process
involved in their decision making. Ask your child what their thought process was and whether the
outcome was positive or negative. It can be as simple as asking, “Why did you make that decision?” or
“What did you consider when you made that decision?” or “What were some of the consequences you
thought about when you made that decision?” This will help you highlight any gaps in their decision
making. If you do this on a regular basis, it will increase the likelihood that your child will slow down and
pay more attention to their decision making.

D. Practice - social and emotional skills do not always come easily. In high stress situations, it is
tough to maintain self-awareness and to express empathy. In a high-drama conversation with your child,
it can be tough for you both to engage in a calm and supportive discussion. Therefore, it is very
important that social and emotional skills are practiced every day. The more these skills are practiced,
the more natural they feel, and the greater the likelihood they will be used in high-stress situations.
Intentional practice means being deliberate about trying a social and emotional skill you want to
develop. Once you get better at a skill, try adding the next skill.

Developing social and emotional skills helps you understand yourself and others and achieve
your goals. In childhood, social and emotional skills support success in school and improve wellbeing. In
adulthood, these skills will facilitate improved work performance and higher pay.