LOVE
Love represents a cognitive, behavioral, and
emotional stance towards others that takes
three prototypical forms
1. love for people who are our primary
sources of protection, affection, & support
Make us feel safe
Were distressed at separation
Rely on them to make us a priority
Rely on them to be them when needed
2. love for people who rely on us to make
them feel safe and protected
We comfort, protect, assist support, &
sacrifice for them
We put their needs ahead of our own
We are happy when they are happy
3. love that involves passion
Deep desire for emotional, physical, &
sexual closeness
Mutual feelings of being special
A relationship can involve more than one of
these types of love
The kind of love can change across a
relationship
Mate relationships are the only kind that
involve all 3
Love is thought to have a good adaptive basis
We developed the emotions, cognitions, &
behaviors to negotiate at least 3 adaptive
challenges
Survive the longest period of immaturity
& dependency
Find & retain a mate long enough to
reproduce
Provide sufficient care for our offspring to
survive & reproduce
Controversy over whether romantic love is a
basic part of being human or a cultural invention
The connection between passionate/romantic
love & marriage is new
In the West developed in the Middle Ages through the
concept of courtly love which evolved to be directed to
someone you marry
Nature of the perceived link is still changing
1945-85: increasing emphasis on romantic love &
marriage
From 1985: increasing emphasis on friendship & marriage
Models of Love
Hard to categorize but can be grouped into 2
broad categories
Naturalistic/Biological: rooted in the body,
emotion, & evolution
Psychological/Social: cognition, social
motives, interaction, communication
Naturalistic/Biological
Passionate & Companionate
Passionate love lasts 6-18 months
If couple stays together happily becomes
companionate love
Attachment
3 attachment styles is kids
* secure: parents are responsive to childs
needs;
child feels secure & valued
* anxious-ambivalent: parents are loving
but
inconsistent in meeting childs
needs;
child feels insecure &
dependent
* avoidant: parents are distant &
unresponsive;
child is detached
Adult attachment is continuous
Primarily reflects 2 underlying dimensions
Anxiety dimension: describes fear of
abandonment & rejection
Reflects low self-esteem & negative view
of the self
Avoidance dimension describes the degree
of trust & comfort in becoming intimate with
others
High intimacy avoidance involves one of
two things
Usual: stems from viewing others with
mistrust
Less common: seeing intimate
relationships as unnecessary due to great
self-sufficiency
People can be high or low on both
dimensions, creating 4 attachment styles
Secure Attachment: low on both anxiety &
avoidance
Capable of intimate and interdependent
relationships
Preoccupied attachment: low on avoidance,
high on anxiety
Need approval of others to maintain selfesteem
needy & dependent
apparent sensitive & caring behaviors
derive from more self-centered needs then
real concern
Highly controlling
Fearful-Avoidant Attachment: high in both
avoidance & anxiety
Fear of rejection blocks relationships
Low self-esteem
Feel relying on others is risky
Trouble supporting other people
Perceived as emotionally distant (even
hostile)
Dismissing-Avoidant Attachment: high
avoidance 7 low anxiety
Confident &self-reliant
Take pride in their independence
View others as irrelevant
Evolutionary: survival of the human species
necessitates and emotional bond b/w
members of the breeding pairs so that both
partners will attend to helpless infants
Psychological/Social Models
Love is a prototype, defined by tis best or
most representative features
For romantic love, passion is a core feature
but people rank it lower than companionate
features
Self-expansion theory: love creates a rapid
expansion of the boundaries of the self
People have an inherent need for this kind
of growth
Loves Styles (Lee): there are 6 primary styles (colors)
of love; combinations create secondary styles
Eros: an intense, idealized, physical passion
Ludus: a game played for mutual enjoyment without commitment
Storge: friendship love
Pragma: searching for someone with a set of desired properties
Mania: stormy passion of someone who wants love but finds it
painful
Agape: the unselfish love where soemeone is only concerned for the
partner
Sternberg: Triangle Theory
All love relationships consist of the
presence/absence of three factors
The quality of the relationship is influence d by
the degree to which the factor is present
*Intimacy: affection, sharing, communication,
and support
passion: physiological arousal
commitment: a decision to love the other
person, and to remain with them
*Intimacy: affection, sharing,
communication, and support
* Passion: physiological arousal
*Commitment: a decision to love the other
person, and to remain with them
Forms of Love
liking: just intimacy
romantic love: intimacy and passion
fatuous love: commitment and passion
infatuation: just passion
companionate love: commitment and
intimacy
empty love: just commitment
consummate love: intimacy, passion, and
commitment
Sternberg: Social Construction Theory
People have personal theories of love in the
form of a story
We form them starting in childhood based
on our personalities, early experiences, the
relationships we see in life and in media
As adults, we look to live these stories
The most important factors for success in
romantic relationships are
A healthy story
Compatible stories
Complementary roles in a single story or
Sufficiently similar stories that they can
blend together
Communicating Love:
Love Languages (Chapman)
1. Words of affirmation
2. Quality time
3. Receiving gifts
4. Acts of service
5. Physical touch
Typology of love (Hecht)
* Collaborative: mutual support & negotiation
* Active: doing things together
* Intuitive: expressed non-verbally
* Committed: discussing the future, making
plans
* Secure: intimate discussions
* Expressive: verbal expression, doing things
for each other
* Traditional: planning for typical future roles
Positive Illusions: seeing the partner in the
bets possible light
More predictive of relationship satisfaction
than the partners actual qualities
Relationship enhancing attributions:
* See positive behavior as stemming from personal
traits & concern for the relationship
* See negative behavior as stemming from the
situation, not the persons traits
* Characterizes happy marriages
Distress-Maintaining Attributions
* Negative behaviors are attributed to traits of the
partner
* Positive behaviors receive less emphasis
* Characterizes unhappy marriages
Negative patterns of communication
Criticism:
high percentage of negative to positive comments
Defensiveness:
taking comments/criticism personally
responding to the feelings created by the comments not the
behaviors
Stonewalling:
punishing a partner by not talking
holding in anger/resentment/hurt and the real reasons for not
responding
Contempt:
showing scorn & rejection through verbal & non-verbal means
condemning the other person
Negative patterns of communication are
very predictive of marital satisfaction
Most important is:
The ratio of positive to negative
interactions (5 positive to 1 negative seems
to be the lowest level for a successful
relationship)
The degree to which negative behaviors are
reciprocated
The development of a relationship:
Stage 1: Unilateral mutual awareness
Using surface clues to draw conclusions
about what a person is like
Important factors
Proximity: one of the best predictors of who gets
involved
Similarity
Couples tend to be similar is background,
interests, social patterns
Tend to balance in personality & needs
Physical attractiveness
Main determinant of initial attraction
But we wind up with people at our own level
Halo effect: attractive people are assumed to
have other valuable attributes
Stage 2: Surface Contact
Spending a lot of time together
Self-disclosure is critical
Depth: amount of private information
discussed
Breadth: number of areas of disclosure
Assessment of similarity
Assessment of potential for a deeper
relationship
Stage 3: Mutuality
* Development of interdependency
* mutual influence on each others actions,
thinking & feeling
* share each others emotional experiences
* mutual concern for the quality of the
relationship
* Deep & continuing self-disclosure leads to
greater feelings of intimacy
* basis for the rest of the relationship
Qualities of good marriages
* High reciprocal levels of self-disclosure
* Perception that the relationship is equitable
* Complementary personal styles
* Genuine mutual liking
* Handling of anger
* Mutual trust
* Responsivity & mutuality
* Good sex life
