Even when it is offbase, unfair, poorly delivered, and frankly, you're not in the mood

• ISBN-10: 0670922633
• ISBN-13: 978-0670922635

We often lack the courage and ability to give and receive feedback optimally:

• when we give feedback, we observe the receiver isn't good at receiving it
• when we receive feedback, we observe the feedback provider isn't good at delivering it

Emphasis can be placed upon the feedback receiver to "pull" rather than focusing on the "push" from the feedback giver, since pushing harder rarely improves genuine learning.

Receiving feedback well is a skill which can be learned and cultivated. A key person involved in our individual learning is ourselves (not our teachers or mentors). Excellent teachers and mentors are rare, so the majority of our learning comes from mediocre folks; thus we have no choice other than to get good at learning from anyone.

Feedback reception occurs at the conflicting convergence of our two needs:

1. to learn and improve
2. to be loved and accepted "as is"

• active participation in the converstation
• manange emotional triggers to properly listen
• open-mind to seeing ourselves from different perspectives

• long-term health and happiness
• rich relationships
• improve self-esteem
• difficult feedback is less threatening
• lower attrition at work
• higher job satisfaction
• higher job performance ratings
• show good examples for our children to mimic

When we are emotionally comprimised, we cannot properly think or learn, thus we defend, attack, withdraw, deny, etc. which inhibits us from engaging in a skillful conversation to proplerly receive feedback.

Truth triggers occur based upon the content of the feedback.

1. Our first task is to understand the feedback. There's 3 types of feedback:
   • appreciation
   • coaching
   • evaluation
2. We have blind spots:
   • we are blind to certain things about ourselves
   • we are blind to the fact that we are blind (double ignorance)
   • our blind spots are obvious to others

1. Dynamic Switchtracking
   • changing the topic dynamically in converation
   • don't focus on more than one topic at at time
2. Relationship System
   • Neither participant in a relationship may see they are both caught in a negatively reinforcing loop in which each participant contributes towards the problem

1. Wiring and Temperment
   • Our identity is established through the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. Understanding our individual wiring patterns and temperment allows us to more clearly see why we react in the ways we do as feedback receivers.
2. Dismantle Distortions
   • We often respond to our distorted perception of the feedback, not the feedback itself.
3. Cultivate a Growth Identity
   • Welcome input since it allows us to continually improve

⭐ Question: Why is it that often as feedback givers, we feel right; but as feedback receivers, we feel wrong?

Truth triggers are created by our intelluctual and emotional reactions to "wrong feedback."

As feedback receivers, we may sometimes feel positive, energetic, and well; and other times feel negative, sapped, and unwell. These reactions are tightly coupled to our interpretation of the feedback.

Each kind of feedback serves its own purpose and has unique challenges.

Appreciation is motivating and energizing:

• thanks
• wow, look at you
• you've been working hard
• you matter

Coaching satisifies 2 needs:

1. knowledge, skillset, and capability improvement
2. problem identification in relationships a. created by painful emotions (hurt, fear, anxiety, anger, confusion, loneliness, etc.) b. something is "missing" or "wrong" in the relationship c. the "problem" is how the feedback giver feels (a perceived inbalance in the relationship)

Evaluations are implicit and explicit comparisons against specific criteria (our colleagues' performance or company standards).

• tells you where you stand, so we can feel safe and sound
• align expectations
• clarify consequences
• informs decision making

Evaluations can contain judgements which reach beyond the original assessment, and combined with our opinion, negative judgements are a significant source of our anxiety towards receiving feedback.

We often skip truly understanding feedback and jump straight into judgements and defensive wrong spotting. Wrong spotting is easy because there's almost always something wrong which the feedback giver is overlooking or misunderstanding; however, wrong spotting defeats learning. There's often a disconnect between what was heard by the feedback receiver and what was ment by the feedback giver.

Feedback is initially perceived as "labels" which are generalized ideas and topics. It is the feedback receiver's responsibility to "spot the label" and see what's underneath it. Label spotting is easy, what's hard is remembering to do it. Once we've identified a label, we need to fight our internal urges to fill in our own meaning about the contents of it.

Underneath feedback labels there are historical and future components:

1. Historical component: "here's what I noticed"
2. Future component: "here's what you need to do"

To clarify the feedback underneath the label, we need to be specific about where the feedback is historically coming from and where the feedback is headed towards in the future.

All advice is autobiographical, the feedback we give to others is based upon our own life's experiences and perceptions, ie. my feedback for you is based upon me.

Feedback givers arrive at their lables in 2 ways:

1. they observe data
2. they interpret that data to tell themselves a story about what it means

The process of moving from data to interepration of data is instantaneous and unconscious.

• Coaching feedbacks's future component is about advice
• Evaluation feedback's future component is about consequences and expectations

Given evaluation feedback, we are often not in a curious state of mind for learning from it. Good questions to ask ourselves when given evaluation feedback:

• What does this mean for me?
• What will happen next, what is expected of me?
• Given where I stand, what should I do now?

Feedback givers and receives have different life data points and interpretations of those data points, so it is important to see the other's point-of-view for hollistic understanding and potential learning. Thus difference spotting and right spotting with an open-mind is beneficial whereas wrong spotting is detrimental to understanding feedback and learning from it.

My Thoughts & Feelings 👉 My Intentions 👉 My Behavior 👉 My Impact on Others 👉 Other's Story About Me

• There's always a gap between how we think we present ourselves and the way others see us.
• I judge myself based on my intentions, others judge me based on my impacts on them.
• My behavior in my awareness is not the same as my behavior in other's awareness

• Our own face is a blind spot because we are trapped inside ourselves looking outwards.
• We hear others through our superior temporal sulcus (STS), but the STS turns off when we hear ourselves speaking.
• Others perceive not just what we are saying, but how we say it
  • Facial expressions
  • Tone of voice
  • Body language

1. Emotional Math
   • Our emotions are integral in how others perceive and interact with us
2. Situtation vs Character
   • We judge our behaviors based upon situations, others judge our behaviors based upon our character.
3. Intent vs Impact
   • We judge ourselves upon our internal intentions, others judge us based on our external impacts
   • Feedback given is often loaded with assumed intentions

We can use our reaction to feedback as a blind spot alert. When we notice ourselves asking:

• What was their agenda?
• What's wrong with them?

Then we can ask ourselves:

• I wonder if this feedback is in my blind spot?
• What do you see me doing, or failing to do, which is getting in my own way?
  • If we respond with genuine curiosity and appreciation, feedback givers can help provide useful details to learn from as feedback receivers

People we rely on for support are often hesitant to share critial, honest feedback with us since we aren't asking the mirror for an honest assessment; we're instead asking for reassurance and support. When someone has been a supportive mirror, we can feel betrayed and blindsided when they suddendly become and honesty mirror.

For many of us, watching ourselves on video or hearing ourselves on audio is unpleasant at best. But it can be enormously illuminating, enabling us to hear our own tone and see own our behavior in ways that are normally invisible to us.

Simply acknowledge the pattern that everyone already sees, and be clear you're trying hard to change.

We are more often triggered by the relationship we have with the person providing the feedback than the feedback itself. Relationship triggers are the most common blockers for productive feedback conversations. We dismiss feedback from givers with no credibility or bad intentions.

The feedback giver thinks the feedback receiver is the problem and the feedback receiver thinks the feedback giver is the problem; however, the problem is often the result of differences and incompatibilities within a relationship system, ie. "we" = "you" + "me".

Questions to consider as an open-minded feedback receiver:

• What makes receiving feedback from "them" so hard?
• What might I learn from this feedback regardless of who is providing it?

Often feedback receivers listen long enough only to reply with feedback given in return; thus we have two feedback givers and zero feedback receivers when we switchtrack and this defeats the purpose of feedback entirely.

1. What We Think About Them
   • If we think well about someone, their feedback is "pre-approved"; otherwise their feedback is "pre-disqualified." Once we disqualify the feedback, we immediately reject the substance of the feedback.
   • If we don't want to be like the feedback giver, why would we listen to their "advice"?
2. Their Credibility (they don't know what they're talking about)
   • We can still benefit from "newcomers" with a different perspective
3. Trust: Their Motives Are Suspect
   • If we don't trust the feedback giver, we can treat trust and feedback content as separate topics to openly explore what might make sense about the feedback

Want to Fast-Track Your Growth?

Go directly to the folks you have the most difficult time with and ask them for feedback about what we are doing which is making the situation worse. They will most certainly tell us since their honesty mirrors can provide us with feedback we can use to growth.

3 relationship interests which are often caught by feedback:

1. Appreciation: Do they see our efforts and successes?
   • Not feeling appreciated can leave us off-balance
2. Autonomy: Are we given appropriate space and control?
   • It is helpful to realize when we are trigged by being told what to do
3. Acceptance: Do they respect or accept who we are (now)?
   • It is hard to accept feedback from folks who don't accept us the way we are now

1. Separate Topics as Separate Discussions
   • Talk about one thing at a time (don't switchtrack)
2. When we receive coaching feedback, ask:
   • Is this feedback to help me grow/improve or is this feedback raising an important relationship issue which has been upsetting the feedback giver?

When we are feedback givers, we give constructive criticism. When we are feedback receivers, we hear blame; not constructive anything.

When things do go wrong in our relationship systems, we each see something the other doesn't: I tend to see what you did to cause it, and you tend to see what I did to cause it. We each see the part of the problem which the other is contributing, and we each think the problem could be best and most easily fixed by the other person changing. However, it takes two of us to create the problem (and to solve the problem).

Taking one step back means stepping outside your own perspective to observe the system. Problems usually occur at the intersection of our differences. These differences often become dynamic systems, creating downward spirals of action and reaction.

It's not just about us, its also about the roles we play. Accidental adversaries are created by role confusion and role clarity. We can separate individuals from their roles by taking 2 steps back and seeing how our roles are contributing to the problem to shift our awareness.

The first step back looks at individual intersections, the second step back looks at individual roles, and the third step back looks at the big picture hollistically.

The big picture includes 3^th party participants, physical environment, processes, policies, timing, decision making, organizational structure, etc. which collectively influence behavior, decisions, and feedback.

The big picture perspective corrects any single perspective by coalescing individual perspectives into a collective perspective which provides a better sense of the whole. As we start to see how each individual affects the other, we find dependency cycles of causes for our actions and reactions.

The big picture perspective makes it harder for us to be "victims" when we can more clearly see how we are contributing to the problem and the downward spiral of the relationship system. Other's contributions to the problem are not automatically bad, wrong, blameworthy, etc.

How can I discipline a subordinate when I myself have been contributing to the problem?

• Blame Obsorbers: It's All Me
• Blame Shifters: It's Not Me

Take Responsibility For Your Part

Figure out your contribution to the problem and take responsibility for it.

"Here's What Would Help Me Change"

Describe how the feedback giver can get a better reaction from you. You're asking them to change, but legitimately in service of helping you change.

Feedback can be threatening to our self identity, ie. the story we tell ourselves about ourselves. Our individual "wiring" influences how we receive feedback. Thus the feedback can become distorted through the story we tell ourselves about the feedback because our emotions distort the feedback reception.

1. Baseline
   • our average mood
2. Swing
   • how far up & down we go
3. Sustain / Recovery
   • how long it takes to go back to our baseline

Our emotions caused feedback reception to be overwhelmingly embellished. To learn from upsetting feedback, we need to counteract feedback distortions.

1. Be prepared and mindful
   • preview our potential reactions while in a balanced state of mind
   • know your feedback footprint, we each have patterns of acceptance and rejection
   • Simulation via imagination of the worst case scenarios to innoculate ourselves
   • notice what's happening, self-observation awakens the left prefrontal-cortex (not by denying and fighting, but just noticing our thoughts)
2. Separate the Feeling, Story, and Feedback
   • sort through reactions to distinguish between our emotions, our story we tell ourselves, and the feedback itself
     • what do I feel?
       • try to name the feeling, if we name it, we have some power over it
     • what's the story I'm telling (and inside that story, what's the threat)?
       • pay special attention to the threat
     • what's the actual feedback?
       • which parts of feedback reception are part of our own embellished story and what's the intersection of that story with reality?
       • today's story is linked to the larger stories from our past
3. Contain the story
   • There are a number of rules about the way the world works which we normally and unconciously follow, and when we are off-balance from upsetting feedback, these rules are forgotten and the feedback is allowed to expand in all directions without them:
     • Time: the present doesn't change the past; the present influences the future
     • Specificity: underperformance in one area doesn't mean underperformance in all areas, and doesn't mean we will continue to underperform in the future
     • People: being disliked by one person doesn't mean we are disliked by all people, and folks who have disliked us in the past don't always dislike us in the future
   • We can rebuild and reinforce the distinctions which matter by noticing which of the above rules our story is violating and revising the story to be consistent with reality
   • As we contain the story, we see what the feedback is not about (everything), so we can focus on what the feedback is about (a few things)
   • Right-size future consequences
     • we often fail to distinguish between consequences which will happen with consequences which might happen
4. Change your vantage point
   • another perspective can be a beneficial "light" in a dark situation
   • time travel: how relevant is this 10 years from now?
   • humor: comedy = tragedy + time
     • if we can see humor in a situation, then we are gaining perspective
     • laughing at ourselves loosens our identity grip
     • humor disrupts and calms down negative emotions
5. Accept we can't control how others view us
   • having compassion and empathy for others profoundly effects how we see others and their feedback
     • think about your dad as a wounded little boy he must have been, and give that little boy a hug

Build an identity which is robust and feedback friendly (not fragile and feedback adverse).

Our identity is the story we tell ourselves about ourselves; thus, feedback which contradicts our story threatens who we think we are. However, we can all learn to hold our identity stories from more resilent perspectives via 2 strategies:

1. Terminate simple identity labels and foster complexity
2. Transition from fixed mindset to growth mindset

• simple identity labels remind us of what matters most in our lives
  • labels are simple because they are "all or nothing" attributes
    • this leads to exaggered feedback distortions and/or denial
    • black and white identity stories operate like a light switch, but life isn't that simple (there's evidence for the opposite in each perspective)

1. You will make mistakes
   • our first inclation is to defend ourselves and/or deny it
   • accepting takes pressure off of ourselves
2. You have complex intentions
   • Mixed with our positive intentions are negative intentions:
     • self-promoting, vengence, greed, etc.
3. You have contributed to the problem
   • when we believe we are the "wronged party" we don't bother listening to feedback; however, we have both contributed to the problem, so we must look at the whole picture (you + me) to learn from feedback
   • attempting to be perfect is not a viable way to escape negative feedback
     • accepting our imperfections is our only choice

We can consider our skills as fixed "as is" or as flexible and capable of dynamic adaptation. Growth mindsets assume a skill can be cultivated over time.

We can get better with effort, and effort matters most with the life values which matter most to us. Challenges are opportunities for coaching and evaluation feedback to help us to improve.