Name of Play __________________________

A full-length play By Philip Thompson

Contact: Your Name Address Phone Email << OR >> Represented by: M ary Agent The M ary Agency 123 M ain Street Anytown, USA 11111

PROLOGUE M agicians stage Smoke fills the stage JACOB (entering, facing audience) Welcome. PHOENIX (entering, facing audience) Come one, come all. RONALD (entering, facing audience) This is the story of depression, love, loss, and-CRASH (entering, facing audience) M agic. Our story will begin slowly, but pay close attention. JACOB Dont blink, for what you see on stage, may differ from what is going on. LIGHTS DIM .

SCENE 1 Daves Office DAVE and SARAH enter. They both look somewhat depressed and sad. SARAH I just dont know what to do anymore Dave! DAVE But weve been dating for 2 years!. I think its a little too late to part ways.

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SARAH Thats how I feel. DAVE Thats how you feel.... Thats how you feel? How am I supposed to argue with that? SARAH I have to go. Goodbye. SARAH is about to exit the scene I love you! Dave sits in his desk with no response SARAH exits the scene M ILES (Sitting next to Daves desk) Ha! See my friend, thats why I dont have a girlfriend. DAVE Yup, thats definitely why. A group of 3 co-workers walk by, huddled and move together, all have a smile on their faces. CO-WORKER 1 The boss wants you Dave! CO-WORKER 2 I know, kill me right? CO-WORKER 3 Classic Dave! Always getting into trouble! All laugh in unison then exit the scene M ILES What do you think its about? DAVE Not sure. Were about to find out.

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Dave gets up and walks into PRESTONs office, but remains on the same stage in the same scene. PRESTON (significantly shorter than DAVE, and sits on a bunch of telephone books in order to stay the same height as his employees) Sit down, Dave. DAVE (Sits down in chair facing PRESTONs desk) Yes, M r Preston, sir? PRESTON As you know, Dooley got fired last three days, and now I need a new assistant head manager to this office. Now Im looking to see who would be the best for this job, as youve been working here for about 7 years and-DAVE Ten sir. PRESTON What? DAVE Ten years. Ive been working here for ten years. PRESTON Oh sorry, my mistake. Anyways, who do you think would fit the job? DAVE I think I would like the promotion sir. PRESTON A PROM OTION? HA!

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Begins laughing hysterically for a long period of time. After about 30 seconds to 1 minute of laughter, Preston wipes his eyes with a napkin from his tears of laughter You cant get a promotion Dave! DAVE We just said Ive been working here for ten years, and I am the most experienced worker in this office! PRESTON Dave, there are certain people that arent promotion guys. You are one of them. You arent the assistant manager type of guy Dave. You should do what you do best, customer service. Thats what you are born to do, and I wont change fate. Now goodbye, get out of my office. Starts doing work, as if DAVE was no longer in the room DAVE But I want more than that! PRESTON Goodbye, Dave. Dave gets up and leaves the office, and goes back to his desk, next to M iles. M ILES What was that about? The CO-WORKERS walk by CO-WORKER 1 Guess theres no promotion for Dave this year! CO-WORKER 2 Or.... Any year for that matter!

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CO-WORKER 3 Hey Dave... I heard that the eleventh time is the charm! The CO-WORKERS laugh in unison, then exit the scene M ILES Ugh, that sucks dude. DAVE Yeah no kidding. Im done with this place. Im done with my life. M ILES Well, in order to brighten the mood, I have 2 tickets to The M agicians. You, me, and a night of magic and wonder. What do you say? M ILES takes out the tickets and shows them to DAVE DAVE M agicians? Theyre corny and fake. Id rather not. M ILES Come on man........ Lets go. DAVE Okay FINE lets go to this thing, DAVE and M ILES about to leave the scene DAVE Its only 3:00, and work hasnt ended yet. M ILES Right. They go back to their desks and get back to work. Fade out

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SCENE 2 M agicians stage

RONALD pushes O'NEIL onto the stage, then exits, leaving O'NEIL alone. O'NEIL (Quiet, scared voice and feel, stutters occasionally) Uhhhhh... Welcome everyone... to... The Show! Of... M agic! M agic and M ystical..... Uhhhh.... Uhhh.... Faces offstage WHAT IS M Y LINE? CRASH (offstage) WONDER! O'NEIL M agic and mystical WONDER! Uhhh... uhhh..... Looks at notes Without further adieu, Id Like to introduce..... THE GREAT M AGICIANS! Runs off of stage CRASH, JACOB, PHOENIX, and RONALD enter the scene and begin dancing to stereotypical magician music RONALD shows empty top hat to audience, and then flips it around, and attempts to pull out rabbit, but nothing is coming out CRASH Get ready for stupendousness! ONEIL pulls out a box with a headhole and legholes on opposite sides, then runs out in fear

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PHOENIX goes into the box and JACOB gets a saw and saws the box in half, and PHOENIX begins screaming, and ONEIL rushes the box with PHOENIX in it offstage, JACOB is stunned on what is going on, still holding the saw CRASH And for our last trick, it is a hypnotism. We need one volunteer. How about Looks at DAVE, sitting in audience You? DAVE (In audience) Id rather not. M ILES (In audience) Come on man, just get up and do it. DAVE Fine.... DAVE gets onto the stage with JACOB, who is still puzzled holding the saw, RONALD, who is still trying to get the rabbit out of the hat, and CRASH CRASH What is your name? DAVE M y name is Dave. CRASH I see that... you arent that happy with yourself and life. Troubles at home? DAVE Okay thats it Im done with this.

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About to walk off stage and back into his seat CRASH What If I told you I could fix that? DAVE (Looking back at CRASH) Go on.. CRASH Look deep into my eyes. Just let your feet relax, and your legs relax. Feel your hips relaxing, and your waist relaxing. Feel your chest relaxing, and your arms relaxing. Your shoulders relaxing, and your neck and head relaxing. Feel your entire body relaxing, all over. You are now asleep. Now you are going to be the man you always wanted to be. When I snap, you are going to be a new man. CRASH snaps his finger DAVE awakens DAVE I feel nothing. DAVE walks into the audience and sits down next to M ILES

CRASH The reason why we did that, is to show that we care about the world. And humanity. And life. Now everybody empty your pockets and give us your money. FOR THE CHILDREN. We are all about helping out the community. Thank you. PHOENIX enters, and is limping, and ONEIL enters the scene CRASH WE ARE THE GREAT M AGICIANS! The five of them hold hands and bow FADE

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SCENE 3 DAVEs apartment

DAVE stumbles in the apartment, late at night DAVE Sarah, Im home! Sarah? DAVE sighs, then grabs a bottle on his table, and begins drinking Stupid M agicians. The whole thing was a scam for money. Nothing changed. M y life is still garbage, always has been, always will be. Sarahs gone. I have a stupid job that barely keeps me alive, and M iles is my only friend. Im destined for failure. Thats who I am. I am a loser. Stands up on chair YOU HEAR THAT NEW YORK? I AM A LOSER! THATS WHO I AM , AND I DONT CARE! ILL SAY IT AT THE TOP OF M Y LUNGS, AS LOUD AS I NEED TO! I AM A LOSER! Sighs and gets into bed Oh who am I kidding, nobody likes being a loser. M aybe tomorrow, things will be better. I love false hopes. Falls asleep The night turns into day Dave wakes up from his bed and sits on the side Sarah? M ILES (Entering) Dude were late for work! Youre driving! Oh hey, it seems like you never took of your clothes from last night. Lets go. THEY EXIT THE SCENE 5 SCENE 4 5

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DAVES OFFICE M ILES So like I was saying, if I died, I would totally reincarnate to an ant. Think about it. While M ILES continues talk, DAVE looks across the stage at PRESTON working in his office. DAVE Yeah yeah yeah, Im going to go talk to Preston. M ILES Preston? After what happened yesterday? Lets not go talk to Preston. DAVE Hold on for a sec. Hands his briefcase to M ILES, then walks over to PRESTONs office DAVE Preston, lets talk. Now. PRESTON Didnt we already discuss this Dave? No promotion. DAVE Hey it would suck if your wife found out that you are having an affair, wouldnt it? PRESTON I have no idea what youre talking about DAVE Oh dont play dumb with me, M ichael Preston. Who is this Ann character who comes in your office, and then she locks the door? Im not stupid. PRESTON She is.... Simply.... An attendance....... AN ACQUAINTANCE!

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DAVE You know what? I dont even want the Assistant M anager position. I want your job. PRESTON (Chuckling) DAVE, YOU WANT M Y JOB? YOURE KILLING M E HERE! DAVE Get out of my chair. DAVE stares deeply into PRESTONs soul, which eventually brings PRESTON out of his chair and DAVE sits in it. Thank you. Youre fired. Get out. PRESTON runs out of the office in fear DAVE sees PRICE, the company CEO walk in the office, with his two associates, and then goes to see them PRICE Is this man looking at me? ASSOCIATE 1 It appears that he is sir. PRICE Have him fired at once. Where is Preston? DAVE I am Preston. PRICE It seems that you have been eating eating your veggies, havent you? Youve grown! DAVE M y name is Dave, Dave Thompson. I am the new manager of this region, but not for long.

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DAVE taps PRICEs forehead hard, and his ASSOCIATES are about to attack DAVE, but PRICE motions for them to back off. You like to play golf? PRICE Yeah, I play every three daysend in Fresno. DAVE I could tell. You are a very strong man. Now why let that body go to waste, working in business. You are a millionaire. You dont NEED to work anymore. Its time to give up your business to someone else, someone..... young...er? PRICE (A bit mesmerized) Yes.... That is.... a good idea. Dave, I am giving you my business. M en, give him..... A contract..... The ASSOCIATES give DAVE a contract, and he signs it You are now the new CEO of the company....... Congratulations........... DAVE (Staring deep into PRICEs eyes) Now when I snap my finger, you will go home, take a nice warm bath, and forget about this conversation. PRICE Yes. The ASSOCIATES carry off PRIC from the scene DAVE looks at his hands, and then runs into his office and shuts the door, and leans against the wall DAVE What is going on.... What did I just do...... who am I? The 3 co-workers walk by

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CO-WORKER 1 Seems that Dave is in Prestons office! CO-WORKER 2 In trouble again! How predictable CO-WORKER 3 Hey Dave, save some office time for the rest of us! They laugh in unison DAVE Youre ALL FIRED! CO-WORKER 1 I TOLD you not to make that last joke! They walk out of the office in unison DAVE (pacing around office) Was that hypnotism real? Am I a hypnotist? It all seems like a blur.......... Sits down in his new desk I am... CEO of a major corporation.... I am a millionare..... I AM A M ILLIONARE! I AM A M ILLIONARE! Gets up from chair and runs out of the office M ILES I have no idea what just happened. 6 SCENE 5 M agicians Stage CRASH, JACOB, PHOENIX, ONEIL, AND RONALD RUN IN, INFERRED TO BE DRUNK, and they all sit on the floor 6

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CRASH (Standing up) Attendance Time!!!!!! Attendance time!!!! ONeil, do you have the clipboard? Sits down ONEIL (Standing up) Right here, sir! Okay first, Phoenix? PHOENIX Oh okay, so the saying Ladies first means that I must go first! That is sexist and cruel! ONEIL ....Right............ Jacob? JACOB Right here sir. Sir, Id like to say that I should have a bigger part during the next show, because I have so much potential, and-ONEIL SHUSHES JACOB ONEIL Shut up new guy..... Anyways, Ronald? RONALD (Stands up and hugs ONeil) HERE ROSS ONEIL. GREAT SHOW, HUH? ONEIL (In an uncomfortable position) Yes...... it was a great show... you can sit down now.......... RONALD OKAY! Sits down ONEIL And Last, but not least, the leader of our gang, DANIEL CRASH THE GREAT! Everyone claps

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CRASH (Standing up) Thank you, again, ONeil for your great help. ONEIL (M urmuring) As I am the only one who can actually read... CRASH What was that? ONEIL Nothing! Sits down CRASH Right...... So as you all know, the reviews are all in from last nights show. We did a HORRIBLE job. JACOB I thought we did pretty good, and-CRASH Shut up newcomer, you are worth nothing to any of us. JACOB looks around to see if everybody agrees with CRASHs statement, and they all nod thier heads and look at JACOB disdainfully CRASH Like I was saying, I beleive we need to spice things up tonight. No more stereotypical magic, no, a REAL SHOW. WITH REAL M AGIC. ONEIL But Crash, we are simple conmen-PHOENIX And con-WOM EN!

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ONEIL .........and like I was saying, we arent real magicians! We cant do real magic! Lets just stick with what we know! RONALD Yes I agree! JACOB (Stands up, puts arm around CRASH) You all are fools! Crash is right! We can do so much better and we-CRASH Nobody likes a suck-up. Now sit back down. JACOB sits back down CRASH NOW NO M ORE INTERRUPTIONS! So like I was saying-A WOM AN, WITH A VERY M YSTIARGES INCAL AND FANTASY AUORA BARGES IN WOM AN Where is Daniel Crash The Great? CRASH (Suddenly becomes attracted to the woman) I am he, your beautiness. Tries to kiss her hand, but she moves it away WOM AN I see you hypnotized a man, Dave Thompson last night at your show. CRASH Yes, I did, as I am a man of many talents, such as bodybuilding, long walks on the beach-WOM AN Did you reverse the hypnosis?

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THE M AGICIANS look at each other, then look back at CRASH CRASH Whats it to you? Who are you? ROSA I am Rosa, the head of the magic council. CRASH You just lost me there. ROSA The magic council sees all forms of magic, good, or bad, and you hypnotized Dave Thompson, and failed to turn him back to normal. Therefore, you are hereby exiled for one thousand years in prison, where you will be tortured until death. CRASH (Trying to pull out ROSAs hair) Who is this....... is this Bill from Wisconsin? Bill you rascal....... ROSA snaps her finger and suddenly CRASH starts involuntarily moving What is going on? What is happeniong? Stop this sorcery, stop it at once! THE M AGICIANS are all laughing at CRASH ROSA snaps her finger again, and CRASH regains control of his body ROSA I am part of the magic council. Now come with me. CRASH It seems that I dont have much of a choice, do I? ROSA Smart man. CRASH Another one of my amazing qualities.

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CRASH follows ROSA out of the stage, but CRASH stops her Give me three days. Just three. ROSA I can not simply bend the laws of magic for you! CRASH I AM NOT A M AGICIAN! I AM A SIM PLE CONM AN! I NEVER KNEW M AGIC WAS REAL UNTIL TODAY! THIS IS ALL NEW TO M E! ROSA Okay. Fine. You have three days. No more. I will meet you on stage in three days with Dave. CRASH Thank you my lady. ROSA Three days. Slowly drifts away The magicians look at each other very slowly, then begin screaming in fear of what just happened CRASH Im screwed! JACOB What are you gonna do? CRASH We must find Dave! ONeil! ONEIL (Using compass and map) Already found his coordinates sir!

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CRASH Then lets move! They begin chanting and roaring, then run off of the scene Fade 7 SCENE 6 Party at M ansion, Night DAVE and M ILES are attending the party, and DAVE appears more classy in terms of looks M ILES Dave, this mansion is YOURS? DAVE Yes, it is. Being a CEO does alot for a man. M ILES Something changed about you. Youre something different. DAVE It appears that there is something different. But its a good thing, as shown. M ILES Why are you speaking like that? Speak like Dave! DAVE I have no idea what youre talking about. M ILES I dont think you understand what is going on. We are in a M ANSION PARTY, a mansion that YOU OWN! You are a millionaire, you could have ANY GIRL AT THIS PARTY. DAVE Right.... Girls..... Ill be...... Right back. 7

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M ILES Sure thing. M ILES looks at party BEST. PARTY. EVER!!!!! WOOOO!! Begins partying with everybody else DAVE sits on a chair against the wall, watching the party for a long period of time, with a dissatisfied look on his face. DAVE picks up his phone and calls SARAH DAVE (On phone) Sarah...... Where are you? You should come to my house. Yes, my house. I moved out of my apartment. Okay, well I will give you the address. THE M AGICIANS enter the scene CRASH Okay men! PHOENIX purposely coughs And woman...... We must remember our main objective. Find Dave Thompson. If you find him, you must bring him and report back to me at once. RONALD Eye eye, captian! CRASH Now we must try to blend in with the crowd, after all.... We are WORLD FAM OUS celebrities....... RONALD, PHOENIX, ONEIL, and JACOB all roll thier eyes So we should not draw much attention to ourselves. They all start dancing very crazily in order to fit in with the crowd. However, they are all making fools of themselves.

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SARAH enters the scene, and DAVE immediately stands up and greets her, ironically in front of the M AGICIANS dancing. DAVE Sarah! SARAH Hey, Dave! Nice place youve got here. You look very... formal? DAVE Thank you. Hey listen... can we talk in.... private? SARAH Of course! DAVE holds SARAHs hand as he motions her across the crowd, into his room, which is on a separate side of the stage CRASH (Dancing) Has anyone seen Dave yet? ONEIL (Dancing) Nope! DAVE kisses SARAH SARAH I still love you. DAVE As do I. SARAH What happened to you, what is going on? DAVE Lets just say, I reshaped my life. I am a new Dave. Clean slate.

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SARAH Sounds awesome. They kiss again They sit on the side of the bed DAVE When I look into your eyes, I see... The man I want to be. I see the future. And that is why I wanted to ask you DAVE gets down on one knee, and pulls a ring out of his pocket Sarah, my love, my life, will you marry me? SARAH (Shocked and happy) Of course... yes... yes yes! SARAH puts on the ring and hugs DAVE DAVE I hope this night never ends. BLACKOUT LIGHTS RISE All partygoers are gone, including M AGICIANS and M ILES, there is trash all around the mansion because of party SARAH gets out of bed SARAH (Whispering) I have to go to work.... Bye! I love you! SARAH exits the scene DAVE wakes up

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DAVE What a great night! Sits on side of bed Thinking about it now, I truly have realized that everything is finally working out for me. I am a master hypnotist, Sarah is back, everybody loves me, I am the CEO of a major corporation, and I am rich. And Christs sakes, I am living in this big old mansion! Stands up and begins buttoning his shirt Wow..... You know for once I have truly become something. Somebody! And it all happened within a day! Two nights ago, I was alone, drinking in my crummy apartment, watching the world go by! And it was all thanks to those magicians! They set me straight! I am finally the man I wanted to be! You know, I always doubted myself, and whenever an opportunity came, I never took it, and took the easy way out. Well now I am saying the things I can say and should say! I need to go pay them my gratitude! Without them I would be nothing! DAVE exits the scene Fade 8 SCENE 7 M agicians stage THE M AGICIANS have hangovers from the night before, laying on the ground PHONEIX What happened? RONALD Where is ONeil? ONEIL Right here sir! CRASH I swear to you, this is all a part of his elaborate scheme! He got us drunk last night on purpose! In order to lead us away from him! 8

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RONALD I completely agree, sir! CRASH Okay, thats it, everyone get up! They lay in silence On the count of 3, one, two three-None of them get up Okay seriously people? JACOB Why dont you get up? PHOENIX Again with the sexism! Why does the man get up first! Why cant the woman get up first? JACOB It wasnt a sexist claim, but why dont you get up? PHOENIX Thats a sexist claim! Again with the Ladies first idea! Stop looking in the past and look towards the future! JACOB Im done talking to you about this subject. CRASH This is unbelievable! We have a final show to put on in 6 days! We need to get to work, and find Dave! DAVE enters the scene, and everyone instantly gets up DAVE Hello, is Daniel Crash the great here?

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CRASH I am here! It is always great to meet a fan of my work! Now where do you want your autograph signed? CRASH takes out a pen DAVE No, I am not here for an autograph. I am here to say thank you! CRASH (Not paying attention to what DAVE is saying due to his cockiness) Yes yes.... Who should I make it out to? DAVE Uhh.... Fine Dave Thompson PHOENIX, ONEIL, and JACOB realize that DAVE is the man they are looking for JACOB goes over to tell CRASH CRASH (Pushing JACOB away) I do not have time for you right now, new kid. Can you not see that I am talking to a fan? CRASH signs a card for DAVE and hands it to him. DAVE But seriously, thank you, you really have changed my life from the ground up. There is no way I could thank you enough for what you have done to my life. CRASH (Not paying attention) Of course. I always have time for the fans. They shake hands, and DAVE is about to leave the scene JACOB We were at the show too! We are also magicians!

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DAVE Oh right.... You guys were... great too.... DAVE exits the scene CRASH turns to the other magicians in anger CRASH Why were you four imobsels interrupting me while i was speaking to a fan ONEIL Because that wasnt just any fan, that was Dave Thompson! PHOENIX You know... the man we were looking for? CRASH (Chuckling) You guys are too stupid to be alive! That man, Dave? Hilarious! That man is too happy and sophisticated to be Dave! RONALD Yes, very stupid! That isnt Dave! CRASH Thank you for having my back, Ronald! ONEIL whispers in RONALDs ear RONALD (Gasps) That man was Dave! I am sorry M r Crash sir, but you are wrong! CRASH M e? Daniel Crash The Great? Wrong? Laughable! I am never wrong! ONEIL Then why did that man look exactly like Dave?

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CRASH Well... PHOENIX And what was he thanking you for? CRASH I changed his life of course! Him seeing my handsome looks made him re-initiate his life! JACOB Or maybe you hyptnotized him two nights ago? CRASH I am no hypnotist! I am a con-man! RONALD Well he doesnt know that! CRASH Hold on for a second. I believe that the man who just spke with us.... M ay or may not be... Dave! RONALD gasps, unaware to the fact that the already knew that CRASH Hold on for a single second. If you all knew this for quite some t now, then why didnt you tell me? JACOB We tried to! But you pushed us away! CRASH No excuses! This is simply inexcusable! Do you want me to go to jail? Because thats where I will end up tomorrow if you fools dont find the man! ONEIL Were trying, but-CRASH Well try harder! Its like you people are animals! Chimps!

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RONALD We will sir, but-CRASH I am a simple man! I dont ask for much! I do everything for you! I give you food! PHOENIX We havent eaten in 5 days! CRASH Fine clothing! JACOB You stole these clothes from homeless people and gave them to us! CRASH A roof over our heads! ONEIL We sleep in a theater that we stole from good townspeople! CRASH And in return for all of the good things I do for you.... What do you do? Get drunk and fall asleep! PHOENIX You were doing the exact same things that we did! CRASH You people do not deserve my respect! Now come along, we must find Dave once again! THE M AGICIANS seem reluctant to do so, after the hurtful things that CRASH has said Come come! THE M AGICIANS follow CRASH off of the scene, depressed Fade 9 SCENE 8 9

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DAVEs mansion DAVE is staring out of the window DAVE The birds are chirping, the wind is blowing... everything is as it should be. Yet I, have completely changed. I now have everything that Ive ever wanted...... right? This is what I want..... I no longer have a boss who is a foot shorter than me...... I dont have to listen to my co-workers constantly mock me any longer, and I dont have to sit next to M iles talking about all of the women hes been with, although we both know that he hasnt been with any women. There is a knock on the door Come in. M ILES (Entering) Hey! Are you busy.... Or.... DAVE (Excited to see M ILES) Hey M iles! No, no, come in, come in! What is up, how have you been? M ILES Well, Preston works in the desk next to mine, and he is fine.... DAVE Preston? M ichel Preston? The man who was our boss? M ILES Yeah dude! All he eats at lunch is nachos! Do you know how long it takes for this man to finish eating his nachos!? And he chews too loudly, it is disgusting! DAVE Wait, then who is the new manager? M ILES Price! He is a maniac.... Nobody exactly knows what happened to him since you left. DAVE Is that so?

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M ILES Heres a question. How did all of this happen so quickly? 2 days ago you were working right next to me, now you have your own mansion and own office floor? DAVE Two days ago? Thats not how I remember it. M ILES What happened to you? DAVE smiles at M ILES DAVE What do you think? M ILES Wait a minute. Two nights ago we went to go see the Daniel Crash The Great show. Crash hypnotized you, and you became the greatest man in the world. And so now, because of the hypnotism, you actually became the greatest man in the world! DAVE Congratulations for putting the pieces together. M ILES Wait, so now that you are a millionaire, you can buy me stuff. Perfect because you can finish off my shopping list Pulls out a shopping catalog Buy all of the things circled in red. DAVE Are you happy with your life right now? M ILES Yeah! I have a great job, I had a pizza last night, and I am sucessful with the ladies, so, things are working out for me right now. DAVE How do you do that?

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M ILES How do you do what? DAVE Stay in that happy mood. M ILES Im not sure, its just the person that I am I guess. DAVE How? M ILES I dont know! Some people can see the brighter side of things, others cant! I dont know how this works! DAVE So I got the short end of the stick. M ILES What are you implying? DAVE I dont know. I seem empty. Almost as if Im the same as before. M ILES With all of these stuff that you have? You have the life! Anything you could ever want in life, you have and you are still not content with yourself. DAVE I guess that is true. I guess I am happy. M ILES How do you know if youre not happy? DAVE (Raising voice) I dont know, okay? I dont know! M ILES Well you know what? Im here for you.

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M ILES puts his hand out for thier secret handshake DAVE does not respond You dont remember? DAVE Dont you think were a bit old for that? M ILES Right..... Of course.... Rookie mistake. Hey listen man... Im gonna go. DAVE Sure. DAVE continues to look out of the window M ILES Bye! DAVE sighs and keeps looking out of the window Fade 10 SCENE 9 Fancy resteraunt, Night DAVE and SARAH are sitting down at a table DAVE --And so, I have been always telling myself, if this customer service stuff doesnt work out, I should open up a pizza place. SARAH (Laughing) Oh really? 10

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DAVE Yes really. Think about it. Not only do I get free pizza, but I get to be my own boss. Of course now, I am my own boss. SARAH Something definitely has changed about you. I really am liking this new Dave. DAVE (Holding glass up) And heres to new beginnings. SARAH (Holding glass up) New beginnings! DAVE and SARAH clink thier drinks together SARAH What did happen to you? DAVE What do you mean? SARAH What happened to you that made you... you know... new Dave? DAVE I told you. I re-evaluated my life. SARAH Oh we both know thats not true. What actually did happen to you Dave, I want to uncover the secrets of Dave Thompson. DAVE Well, Are you sure you want to here this? SARAH Yes, I am, thats why Im asking you! DAVE Well okay, fine. I will tell you. But just know, this may sound a bit crazy. I was.... Hypnotized.

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SARAH What are you talking about? You were... hyptnotized DAVE Precisely. Two days ago, I was talking to my boss about a promotion, and he simply was not budging. And this was right after you and I decided to part ways for a bit. Now after that, I was a bit sad and depressed, and M iles and I went to go see a magic show. SARAH Ugh M iles. I dont like him. Hes always getting you into trouble. DAVE Okay, that was irrelevant, but yes I do understand.. Anyway, M iles and I went to go see this magic show... what was it... oh right of course, Daniel Crash The Great. H The show itself was horrible, and was unammusining, but the man hypnotized me. Put me under a spell. He told me that I was going to be the greatest man that ever lived. SARAH Are you being serious right now? DAVE I wish I wasnt but I am telling the truth. I am put under... a trance if you will. I I w took my bosss job, and then took my bosses bosses job, and now here I am. The CEO of a company, and I suddenly became a millionaire overnight. So much has rapidly changed, thanks to Crash. SARAH So you are put under a trance... right now. DAVE Exactly. SARAH What is the keyword? Is it... abracadabra? DAVE Unfortunately not, try other magic cliches. They laugh and clink their drinks again It always is fun being with you, Sarah. I missed you while you were gone.

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SARAH We broke up for like one day, actually more like 12 hours. DAVE And it seemed like 12 months. 12 years. 12 decades of me aimlessly hoping just to be with you. SARAH Well, Im here. Anyway so about the wedding, I want you to meet my father so you can have his blessing so we can start planning DAVE spits some of his drink out DAVE Im sorry... wedding? When did we say anything about a wedding? SARAH Thats why we got engaged, right? DAVE Wouldnt you say... I dont know, maybe all of this is moving a bit too fast? SARAH Dave... were going to get married. We got engaged for a reason. DAVE But right now? Like Within 2 days, everything began happening so quickly, I dont want to get a marriage on top of everything else right now. SARAH Dave... relax.... You have nothing to worry about. DAVE Right..... THE M AGICIANS enter the scene and sit down at a table across from DAVEs, all wearing disguises, and using menus as covers for their faces

36.

CRASH I told you I would find the restaurant that he was eating at! ONEIL But sir, I am the one that-CRASH I simply do not have time for your false claims right now. Now we need to figure out a way to snag Dave from his.... Lady friend.... I call dibs on her! PHOENIX She cant call dibs on you? Because youre a man you can do whatever you want? Typical men. CRASH Oh shut up Phoenix, we already decided that men are the superior sex! Okay, so how would we get Dave-JACOB Can you please look behind your cockiness and arrogance and just-CRASH (Shushing JACOB) Can you please just be quiet, new kid! I am trying to spy on Dave, and you are doing nothing in order to help! RONALD gets up and slams the table RONALD That is it, I simply can not take this anymore! CRASH Ronald, you are embarrassing me. Sit down. RONALD No! CRASH (Getting up) What did you say to me?

37.

DAVE and SARAH see CRASH and RONALD arguing, and get up and leave RONALD I said.... I said no! CRASH One does not simply say no to Daniel Crash The Great! RONALD You do not deserve that title! You arent that great! You are... you aare just a mean, mean person! Who is mean to people! You are nothing but a bully! CRASH A bully? You call me a bully? PHOENIX, ONEIL, AND JACOB stand up JACOB Yes! A bully is what you a-CRASH (Shushing JACOB) Nobody cares about you new kid! JACOB See? Youre doing it again! CRASH Oh that? Come on folks, it was a simple joke! CRASH begins laughing, hoping that everyone will laugh with him, but nobody does CRASH Okay thats it, everybody be quiet. We must find a new way to steal Dave. Now I say-PHOENIX Were not helping you! CRASH Of course you are!

38.

ONEIL shakes his head rapidly CRASH (Leaning in closer to ONEIL) What was that, ONeil? ONEIL No! We are not helping you any longer! CRASH No! This can not be! I do everything for you mongrels! JACOB No! You do nothing for us! All you do is stray us behind! ONEIL Instead of working on our new performance in six days, we are spending all of our time trying to find some man that you hypnotized! CRASH So you do want me to go to jail? PHOENIX Were done with this, Crash. JACOB You never respected me. You always told me to shut up, even if what I was saying was extremely important. ONEIL And you keep on taking credit for my work! All of the tricks that happened in our shows, I wrote! I was the one that came up with the idea of us becoming traveling magicians for money! But you took my ideas and claimed them as your own! I am the only one in this group who knows how to read and write, but you give me no respect. PHOENIX And I am just as good as you! Just because I am a woman does not make me any less of a person! Stop telling me to make sandwiches! CRASH But its natura--

39.

PHOENIX This is what I mean! CRASH Ronald? Not you, buddy. RONALD I am not a stupid henchman. I am more than that. I have talent and potential, but is it ever shown? No, because I am always under your shadow. CRASH Ronald! We can make this work! Please Ronald. Anything but this! RONALD Goodbye M r Crash. CRASH Come on.... You guys arent really kicking me out of the gang that I started! RONALD Goodbye M r Crash. CRASH tries to hug everyone, but none of them do, but RONALD gives in and hugs CRASH CRASH (Crying) Goodbye my friend! I must leave you now! RONALD (Crying) You are a jerk, but I still love you! PHOENIX, ONEIL, and JACOB pull RONALD away from CRASH CRASH Goodbye. THE M AGICIANS do not respond

40.

CRASH puts his head down, and walks away from the group, and exits JACOB Well now what? Wait a minute. I just spoke. A whole sentence. Without Crash shushing me. I can just keep talking! THE M AGICIANS cheer and clap Fade 11 SCENE 10 Park CRASH enters the scene PAUL, and other homeless men are sitting around a fire CRASH I dont need them. I dont need anybody. All I need is me. PAUL Is that so? CRASH What is it to you? PAUL Hey.... Watch it! I just wanted to start a conversation! CRASH Oh please... I am better than you in every way. Look at yourself. What do you have to live for? PAUL Youre right. But, what do you have to live for? 11

41.

CRASH (Laughing) Is that even a question? I mean come on, I am Daiel Crash The Great! I have everything to live for! I have came and conquored! I have done everything! Dont talk to me about living life! I have lived life! PAUL So what have you done? CRASH (hesitating) Well you know. I have been around. Doing... too many important things! PAUL Like? CRASH You know what? Why do I have to prove myself worthy of talking to you! You are a simple homeless man! A peasant! You are nothing! PAUL I am nothing? I am nothing! I know who you are! We are very similar people. CRASH And how are we similar? PAUL Well we are both homeless. CRASH I am not homeless! For I am Daniel Crash The Great! PAUL A homeless Daniel Crash The Great. Come, sit down! CRASH I can not sit on the same floor as... as.... You...... you people....... PAUL Okay fine. We have hot joe, and warm blankets! But of course, M r Bigshot here is too spectacular to sit down with very similar people as him......

42.

CRASH Oh I suppose... maybe some paparazzi could see me and see that I am a nice and meaningful person! Or... something like that.... CRASH sits down with PAUL and the other homeless men PAUL So what is going on in the world of Daniel Crash The Great? CRASH Well...a couple years ago I assembled a team of men... and a woman..... and we create the ultimate cons and pranks in order to make money. A member in my team Ross ONeil, decided to create the ultimate con... becoming magicians. I recruited a young magician to help us, Jacob. In one of my acts, I hypnotized a man, of course it is fake, but now I am getting arrested for hypnotizing him without unhypnotized him. M y team bailed out on me, and now... now I am alone, and am going to get arrested tomorrow night! PAUL Did you ever consider why they kicked you out? CRASH Because they are soulless mean human beings! They are selfish! In my time of need, they have abandoned me. PAUL looks at CRASH Well.... They claimed that I am the selfish and mean one, but I mean come on. Daniel Crash The Great? A mean a great man as myself can not physically be a mean bully. Right? PAUL M aybe you should look past your cockiness and see why they kicked you out. CRASH I am not a cocky man! You know what? I dont need this. Stop interpreting my life! You dont know me.... You do not know who I am! PAUL You are right, I don--

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CRASH (Standing up) No! Stop talking to me! Now, Ross ONeil, where are the coorinates for Daves hou- Oh right. I dont need ONeil! Right Ronald? Ronald? Oh right. Of course. I am alone. I dont need you either Ronald! I dont need any of you anymore! None of you are important to me! CRASH sighs Oh who am I kidding? I need those fools. I actually do need them. I need them more than ever right now... I miss having Phoenix make absurd feminist claims.... I miss having Jacob say meaningful and smart things yet I shush him and mock him.... I miss ONeil creating insane yet beautiful things, yet I take all of the credit for his work... and most of all.... I miss Ronald. M y dear pal, Ronald. M y best friend..... hes gone... theyre all gone.... It is my fault. Because I was mean to them. Well no more! CRASH sits down with PAUL and his buddies Hey guys... do you want to see something? HOM ELESS M AN 1 What is it? CRASH A cool trick that Jacob taught me. PAUL What is going on here? CRASH (Pulling out deck of cards) Pick a card, any card. PAUL Alright then. PAUL picks a card CRASH What is your card? PAUL Six hearts.

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CRASH (almost as the same time, but shortly after PAUL says it) Six hearts. They laugh PAUL Thats wht worst trick ever! CRASH I know! PAUL You know what? Youre alright man. CRASH Youre not too bad yourself. CRASH puts his aluminum can up To life in the park! HOM ELESS M EN (All putting aluminum cans up) To life in the park! THE HOM ELESS M EN and CRASH continue to laugh and talk and drink there cups of joe by the fire Fade 12 SCENE 11 DAVEs M ansion, Night DAVE and SARAH walk in SARAH Good night. 12

45.

DAVE Good night. SARAH exits the scene Is Sarah mad at me? Im not sure. Do I even care anymore? Im not sure about that either. I dont even know who I am anymore This is not me. This is not the same me. I am a new person now. And I dont know if its good or bad. M aybe this is bad. M aybe all of this was a mistake. Was I supposed to be like this........ I dont know. Perhaps it was a simple mix-up! Yeah! What if, Daniel Crash The Great accidentally turned me into this person that I am, instead of someone else. Of course Why havent I thought of this before! Is that why Im not happy?........ DAVE walks into his room and shuts the door I will go talk to Crash tomorrow and see what he can do about it. M aybe he can unhypnotize me! Yeah! Then maybe things will start to make a bit of sense... I dont know..... DAVE sits on the edge of his bed I mean... I have everything a man ever needs. But I am still not happy. You know what? M iles is right. I can never be happy. Even if I do get unhypnotized, and things become normal, that may not mean that I will still be happy. I wasn't happy before. Why should I be happy if I get unhypnotized? I guess I am just not that person..... But then again., . It doesn't hurt to try. Alright. I will go talk to Crash tomorrow, and see if he can turn me back into normal. M aybe then I will be happy. DAVE goes to sleep Fade

13

SCENE 12 THE M AGICIANS stage

13

THE M AGICIANS are all sitting on the floor, without CRASH

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ONEIL (Standing up) Alright people! We have a show to put on tonight! And we have absolutely no material whatsoever! Everyone claps No! This is not a laughing matter! This is serious! We have absolutely no material whatsoever! Everybody screams in terror RONALD Well what are we going to do boss? They all look around, waiting for CRASH to say something JACOB You know what? Who needs him! All he did was ruin our lives! Without him, we are free to do anything we want! PHOENIX Yeah! Everything is beautiful now! We can do what we want, without someone mocking us and putting us in line! ONEIL Guys! Come on! We need material for this show? Jacob, since you are the only REAL magician here, do you have any suggestions? JACOB Well... Oh wait! I forgot that I cant get interrupted. Well I have an idea that involves a teleportation device. Everyone is surprised and shocked with wonder ONEIL And how would something like this work? JACOB Well You would step into the machine, and then move around from the room! ONeil, I assumed that since you were the genius in this group, you could... perhaps build a device that could do that!

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RONALD All in favor, say I! THE M AGICIANS (EXCLUDING ONEIL) I! ONEIL No, no, no, no, no, no, no! You can not simply build a device like that! They take alot of time and effort to build! The show is tonight! I do not have the time! JACOB Well fine! ONEIL Does anyone else have any ideas? PHOENIX Not in mind, no. RONALD How about we take the classic cliche Pulling the rabbit out of the hat trick... but... heres the kicker... Take out... you ready?... We take out..... Two rabbits! Everyone is shocked and surprised with wonder ONEIL slaps his face with his palm ONEIL And do you even know how that trick works? You failed at it the last time! How do you think you could handle two rabbits? RONALD I cant come up with everything! Gosh, who do you think I am, Abraham Edison? ONEIL Is that even a real person? RONALD He could be! If you believe! PHOENIX Well if you are so high and mighty, wthen where are your ideas!

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RONALD AND JACOB Yeah! ONEIL Well since you asked... I did have.... A couple ideas in mind! ONEIL pulls out an extremely long list Everybody sighs RONALD (Laughing) This will be good! ONEIL Ahem. M y first idea was..... You ready? Well my first idea was..... DAVE barges into the room DAVE Where is Crash? JACOB Who? DAVE I simply do not have time with you, I just want you to tell me where he is! Begins looking around for CRASH Crash? Crash? Where are you hiding?? PHOENIX Hes not here. We... kicked him out of the group. DAVE You did what? PHOENIX We kicked him out of the group! Was that wrong... what we did?

49.

DAVE Well its not exactly helping me, is it? Now I have no way of finding the man! RONALD Well were sorry to disappoint, M r Thompson, but we have no idea where he went. We havent seen him since we spit up at the resteraunt. DAVE Well thanks for nothing! The man ruined my life, and youre not exactly helping! RONALD Hey do not speak to him in that way! Crash is our friend! THE M AGICIANS Yeah! ONEIL And no matter how bad he gets, he is still our friend and will always be our friend! THE M AGICIANS Yeah! DAVE Goodbye. DAVE exits the scene in anger ONEIL I miss him. RONALD I miss him too! JACOB We need Crash back. PHOENIX We have no tricks or material for tonight, and Crash was our best improviser. They all sigh in mourning They all get closer together

50.

ONEIL Well we can move past this..... Together.... JACOB With...... or without him....... ONEIL (Getting out of the group hug and stands in front of the group) Okay men! PHOENIX coughs Okay how many times am I going to go over this Phoenix... When I say men, it is just to shorten it out, as it takes less effort to say men than people This is not a sexist claim in any way shape or form, I am just being lazy with my wording. And no, I dont care. Anyways, Like I was saying, OKAY M EN. We have a show to put on tonight, and we have absolutely no material or tricks whatsoever. Are we screwed? Yes. Do we care? No. We re just in it for the money and that is all that matters. Now lets just put on a show, even if its not even good. Now get your costumes together, and let us put on a show! M AGICIANS Yay! THE M AGICIANS RUN OUT OF THE STAGE Fade 14 SCENE 13 DAVEs mansion DAVE runs in, angry DAVE I cant believe that he wasnt there! You know what? I dont care! Im destined for failure, no matter what I do. SARAH enters the room 14

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SARAH Dave? Are you here? I wanted to talk to you..... DAVE What do you want? SARAH Dave I am seriously worried about you. DAVE (On the verge of insanity) What? What did I do this time? SARAH Dave youve been acting very strange. Since the hypnotism... I dont know what has gotten into you. DAVE Gotten into me? Gotten into me? What has gotten into you? SARAH What are you talking about? Im fine, you are the insane one! DAVE Insane? You dare call me insane? I am no more insane than you are blind! SARAH What is wrong with you? Why are you acting this way? DAVE Why do you think? Because of you! You began pushing marriage and all of this commitment stuff, when in reality, I dont care. SARAH You what? DAVE How can I spell it out in a way you could understand. I. Dont. Care! SARAH You proposed to me! Were engaged! Why wouldnt you care?

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DAVE Listen to me, and listen very closely. I stopped caring about this engagement a long time ago! SARAH And when was this Dave? Yesterday? The day before? DAVE Does it matter? SARAH Dave do you even care about me anymore? DAVE Hard to say. Because youre really pushing it right now! SARAH Even after the hypnotism, you were nice! You were charming! DAVE Nice? Nice? Is that all I am to you? Nice? SARAH Well for sure, youre not nice anymore! DAVE So what am I? Huh? What am I? SARAH You are a jerk. Thats what you are. A jerk. DAVE Better than being nice! Nobody likes someone that is nice! SARAH Dave, I liked you when you were nice, that is one of the reasons why I fell for you! You were a nice, stable, and kind person! DAVE Lies! You hated me! You always did!

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SARAH If I hated you, then why did I stay with you for so long? DAVE You broke up with me? You remember that small piece of the puzzle? SARAH I said I liked the new Dave, but you know what, I dont. DAVE Well I dont like you. I hate you. All you have caused is pain into my life. SARAH Pain? Remember the time when-DAVE Pain. Thats what you are! Pain! SARAH Dave, I am no pain! I love you! DAVE You are worse than a pain. You are a sick disease that I can never get rid of. You are the cause of my sadness and dispair. M y depression. It is all because of you. You are nothing to me. All you have done is break and ruin me. SARAH I dont like the person you have become. And I simply can not stand it any longer. Goodbye Dave. SARAH walks out DAVE Fine! Leave me! I dont care!.... DAVE gets angry and starts throwing things PRESTON enters the scene, wearing a suit. PRESTON Hello Dave.

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DAVE M ichael Preston... what are you doing here... PRESTON Well.... After you took my job, I worked next to M iles, and I got fired shortly after that. Now I work at the IRS. Were auditing your house. DAVE What did you say? PRESTON Well... you do know that you lost your job, right? DAVE I lost my job? Within 3 days? How is that even possible? PRESTON I do not know the details.... But I am told that you never showed up to work once... which is a problem.... If you work at a business...... DAVE Well what are you here for? Just to make my day much worse than it already is? PRESTON Oh.... It will get much worse than that! Begins laughing and sees DAVEs angry face, and quickly regains a straight face Well...... you are now officially bankrupt. That party you threw? A little too big, dont ya think? You spent all of your money through that party. Of course, you had such a high paying job, and so you were able to rebuild your crash from the ground up. But without your job, you are officially done. Over with. Complete. DAVE You have got to be kidding me. The party wasnt even my intention, it was just-PRESTON I honestly do not care. I am just here to take some of your stuff and put your house on the market.

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DAVE You shall not do this to me! I am Dave Thompson! I have built my empire from the start, I could do it again! PRESTON Have fun with that plan, buddy! Its called payback! And its beautiful! Looks towards door Come on in boys PRICE and his executives come in and begin taking furnature away DAVE M r Price? PRICE Yup. After you took my job, I worked at the office for a bit, but then I got fired and now Im.... Lifting furniture........ PRESTON, PRICE, and his executives take away all of the furniture in his room and exit, leaving him in an empty house DAVE I have nothing left. Thats it. I just need a new start. DAVE packs some clothes in a briefcase and his jacket, and exits the scene Fade 15 SCENE 14 Park, Night CRASH, PAUL, and thier other homeless friends are laughing and having a good time around a fire DAVE enters the scene 15

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DAVE And so what is next for me..... Perhaps I shall go traveling... It still wont make me happy. I am destined for sadness. PAUL Destined for sadness huh? As I can see from your attire, you are making some money. DAVE Not anymore... I am officially bankrupt. CRASH Well join the club! Were all poor! Isnt that right everyone? All of the homeless men agree and begin laughing DAVE How could you simpletons be happy? Look at yourselves! Look at your clothing! And you all really do smell. PAUL And yet.... Life goes on. PAUL begins laughing and the other homeless men keep laughing DAVE Do you want it to? PAUL Yes, of course! We are living the life! We have many cups of joe, we are sitting around a fire! CRASH And were surrounded by friends! DAVE Friends.... I used to have one of those... Not exactly worth my time. PAUL I reckon that you did have a good friend.... But he didnt exactly see your plans or sink to your level.

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DAVE How exactly did you know? PAUL Ive seen your type before. CRASH The mans a genius. PAUL Either that or Im just a deranged homeless lunatic. DAVE Yeah Im going to go with that one. PAUL Come, sit down and dine with us. DAVE Fine. I deserve to sit on the ground. DAVE sits down with PAUL, CRASH, and the other homeless men PAUL (To CRASH) Hes just like you! CRASH Very similar! Very similar! So what brings you here? DAVE Well... I had it all. I had money, cars, the girl of my dreams, a great friend, and I blew it. PAUL You what? DAVE I threw it all away. I wasnt happy. Im never happy. Ever. No matter what.

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CRASH (Laughing) This guys stupid! The other homeless men laugh, except of PAUL PAUL Hes not stupid. He just cant feel happiness, no matter what he does. He may feel happy for a bit, but eventually it will sink right back to despair. Hes just one of those people. DAVE One of those people I guess. PAUL He should not feel happy with that. CRASH He shouldnt? PAUL No, he shouldnt. Having sadness in your life is.... Is a waste of time. Life is too short to live life mopey all the time. DAVE Well what am I supposed to do about it? There is nothing I could do, Nothing! CRASH (To PAUL) Yeah, like what could he honestly do? PAUL Well... you had a girlfriend, right? DAVE Yeah. I loved her, but, I became too inflated and invested in my ego that I took her for granted. PAUL Correct, you took her for granted! Like you took your friends for granted.

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DAVE I guess so. M iles was a unique person. And he was the only one who was actually there for me throughout my life. Throughout all the ups and downs, he was there. CRASH See, that is a good friend! PAUL And he isnt there for you anymore, is he? DAVE I dont know... We had a little discussion and I dont exactly know where we are at this point. PAUL Well maybe if you stop taking things for granted, you could appreciate the little things. Appreciate the little things! You expect everything to be served to you on a silver platter! And then as SOON as things begin to fall short of what they are excpected to be, you instantly become sad! Well thats not life Dave! And the sooner you learn that, the better! DAVE Is it that easy? CRASH Yeah, is it? Im quite intrigued at this point. PAUL Well it could be, and should be. DAVE The little things. I never thought of it like that. It seems... It seems so simple. PAUL Thats because you dont think! You never did! You always just acted on what you thought was right! DAVE How did you know that? You just met me around 5 minutes ago! PAUL Right.

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CRASH Yeah..... How did you figure out many things about me, that I didnt know myself. PAUL Of course, right. PAUL and his buddies get up and pack thier things If you need me, you always know where to find me. PAUL points to his forehead, and then him and his buddies drift away into the darkness of the stage CRASH Whoa. I did not see that coming. DAVE Wait. Arent you with those guys? Shouldnt you be in my head as well? CRASH No, I just met them last night. It was very surprising, to say the least. DAVE So what happened to you? Why were you hanging out with Paul? CRASH Well, Lets just say I changed a mans life, and now I have no way of finding the man. You see, I was kind of a jerk to my friends, and so they kicked me out of their friend group so now, I am just here. DAVE Ouch. That sucks. CRASH Yeah tell me about it. DAVE Well, I dont know. I guess we could just sit here and keep taling.

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CRASH Yeah, just comfort each other in our time of need. DAVE (Looking up) Look at the stars. Look at how they shine. CRASH (Looking up) Yeah, they really are something. Wait Im sorry, I dont think I know your name. DAVE (Putting his hand out) Dave Thompson. CRASH (Shaking DAVEs hand) Daniel Crash The Great. DAVE Wait. Are you the man that hypnotized me? CRASH Are you the man I hypnotized? DAVE I still have your autograph! DAVE takes out the autograph from his pocket See? CRASH Yes, this is my autograph. DAVE How did you not know that I was Dave? CRASH Well this is the firs time I actually paid attention to what you had to say, so this makes sense. DAVE Well I guess I am just stupid. Crash!

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CRASH Dave! They hug Wait a minute... CRASH stands up, and DAVE stands up after This means that I still have a shot! M aybe I wont go to eternal damnation! Dave! Do you know what this means? This means that I have a chance! I found you, didnt I? I could go to the thatre, see my old friends, and I will apologize for my previous actions, and then I could do the show! And unhypnotize you! Therefore we can both get what we want! DAVE Im in! CRASH Yes, hes in! Okay, perfect! Lets move, because this show starts in... CRASH is looking at his watch, and instantly becomes confused DAVE goes over to look and read CRASHs watch DAVE Twenty minutes. CRASH Oh, right of course. DAVE and CRASH begin walking away Why do I even have this if I cant read? They exit the scene Fade SCENE 15 M agicians Stage, Night

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RONALD, PHOENIX, ONEIL, and JACOB are on stage PHOENIX So what are we supposed to do? We have no tricks, or material! ONEIL All we need to do is put on a show. It doesn't even have to be a good show, just a show. CRASH and DAVE enter the scene CRASH But we must remember to at least try to create a great show. RONALD Cr... Cr.... Crash? ONEIL (Whispering to RONALD) We hate him, remember? THE M AGICIANS try to shun CRASH CRASH Listen, I know that I shouldnt even be talking to you right now. But I just want to say that I am a changed person. I have realized the error of my ways, and I would want to be a part of the group again. ONEIL Lets take our time to review your statement. RONALD, PHOENIX, ONEIL, and JACOB huddle up (Whispering) Okay, so what do you think? I say we let him in. PHOENIX (Whispering) Its a yes for me.

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JACOB (Whispering) Yes. RONALD (Yelling) Of course yes! ONEIL So its unanimous! Hes in! THE M AGICIANS get out of the huddle and form a line and smile at CRASH THE M AGICIANS Crash!!! THE M AGICIANS all hug CRASH CRASH And I brought along Dave with me, so I could do the unhypnotism at the end! ONEIL (Looking at watch) Oh look at the time! The show is starting any minute now! THE M AGICIANS and DAVE go backstage BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP RONALD pushes ONEIL onto the stage ONEIL (Hesitating and has stagefright, sweaty) Welcome back ladies and gentleman, for the final show of The Great M agicians! Uhh..... This show will contain.... Uhhh... many tricks.... And stuff... created by Daniel Crash The Great! CRASH enters the scene

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CRASH But, none of this could be done, without the help of my friends. Okay, so let us begin the show! Can I have Phoenix come out on stage please? PHOENIX enters the scene PHOENIX Yes, Crash? CRASH Okay. So what I have here is a remote control mind switching deice, something that has never been seen or done before. ONEIL (Whispering to CRASH) But sir, that device is still in its beta verson, and may-CRASH Relax, my kind Ross ONeil. It will be fine. Each of you, put on your helmets. PHOENIX and ONEIL put on thier mind switching helmets CRASH Now close your eyes. And I will switch your minds, with the power of my mind, your minds will switch, causing Phoenix to have Ross ONeils mind, and Ross O Neil will have Phoenixs mind. Now, when I snap my finger, your minds will be switched. And awaken. CRASH snaps his finger, and PHOENIX and ONEIL awaken, and take thier helmets off PHOENIX (In an ONEIL impersonation) Eureka! The machine actually worked! ONEIL (Giggling and twirling hair) Finally! I have mens right! Now I will be respected!

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PHOENIX With this device, I will be able to... to..... Control the world! I will dominate over all who never believed in me! I will... Crush the spirits of everyone who never believed in me! I mean... Well..... How do I think in this womans body? Everything I think just comes out! ONEIL Hey! Not all women are like that! That is a sexist claim! M en are slobs! Women are much more... beautiful and devine creatures. Look at my feminine hips! ONEIL begins moving his hips around, as if he was a woman And look at these breasts! Breasts that men could never have! ONEIL begins waving his chest around, as if he was a woman And what do men have? M en are worthless beings. PHOENIX What if I.... M ake a device! A device that could.... Give men all of the feminine qualities! Since I have no social life outside of work, it would be easy to come up with a device that could do so! It would revolutionize the way humans live! CRASH and ONEIL stare at her strangely Why do I keep doing this? Why cant I keep my thoughts to myself! PHOENIX tries to manually close her mouth with her hands, but it keeps opening ONEIL Hey ONeil! Lets talk about our feelings! We never do that anymore! PHOENIX Lets not talk about or feelings, and you could fetch me a sandwich. ONEIL Is that all I am to you? Your sandwich maker? PHOENIX No. You could also pour me a drink.

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ONEIL Women are more than that ONeil! They are-PHOENIX Wait a minute... what if I create a device, that could pour drinks for you! A device that could.. M ake your sandwiches for you! Therefore taking out the middle man! It will get rid of the useless women, because theyre not doing anything! They just sit around and judge! And I shall call the device.... The Womanator 3000! CRASH and ONEIL stare at her strangely Am I seriously doing it again? I dont understand how women can-CRASH Okay, I think we had enough of this. Put your helmets back on. PHOENIX puts her helmet back on ONEIL Typical. The men are telling the lady what to do again. Well you know what, I cant stand for it, I really cant do it anymore! I am officially one with all men! CRASH Phoenix. Put the helmet back on. ONEIL No. CRASH Phoenix! Put the helmet, back on, now! ONEIL La la la la la la la! I cant here you! Im done with men! CRASH Phoenix, Im not going to say it again. We need to move onto our next trick. ONEIL So men decide when the next trick is? Of course the men do! When do the women get to do anything?

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CRASH What are you even talking about? Does anybody know what youre talking about? ONEIL Of course the men dont listen! CRASH Okay thats it. CRASH shoves the helmet onto ONEIL ONEIL (While CRASH is shoving helmet) Help! Help! A man is attacking me! CRASH And sleep. Now your minds will return back into their original state. And when I snap my finger, You will awaken and take the helmets off. CRASH snaps his finger and PHOENIX and ONEIL awaken and take the helmets off PHOENIX I had the strangest dream..... ONEIL M e too... It felt like-CRASH Get outta here! PHOENIX and ONEIL slowly walk offstage, behind the curtain, as if they are half asleep CRASH puts his hands up, and at this point the audience would applaud Thank you, thank you. Now, may I call Ronald and Jacob to the stage please. RONALD and JACOB enter the scene RONALD Crash!

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RONALD hugs Crash CRASH The sentimental hugging part is over Ronald! JACOB separates RONALD from CRASH Okay. Now comes the part of the show where I hypnotize my two favorites, Ronald and Jacob! JACOB I am your favorite? CRASH Eehhhhh..... M ore or less......... JACOB Ill take it! CRASH You are alseep. RONALD and JACOB instantly fall alseep Now when you wake up, you will be anything I saw you will be. No matter how embarrassing it is, you will be, it shall be done. When you awaken, Ronald, you are now Jacobs pants. Awaken! RONALD begins clinging to JACOBs legs, as if he were a pair of pants JACOB Nothing has changed. Your hypnotism does not work on true magicians! JACOB looks down to see RONALD clinging onto JACOBs legs Wha? Good lord, Ronald, what are you doing? RONALD Shhh. I am pants. JACOB Ronald, get up. You are not my pants.

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RONALD Pants do not speak! I shall not say anything anymore! JACOB But you arent my pants, Ronald! You are a part of the Great M agicians! You are s trong, burly man, not a pair of pants! RONALD I could be pants If I chose to! And so be it, I am pants. JACOB Fine! If you want to be pants, you shall be pants! JACOB tries to walk, but RONALDs weight in muscle makes it incapable for JACOB to move Ronald! Please! RONALD Pants for life! JACOB Well a man can take a pair of pants off, can he? JACOB takes off his shoes and takes his pants and RONALD off, and RONALD is clinging to the pants on the ground, and leaving JACOB on stage in his underwear Ronald! Give me back my real pants! RONALD The pants and I are one. JACOB Can you not see the fine ladies in the audience? They can all see my underwear! RONALD I am pants. Pants do not have eyes.

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JACOB (Holding up fingers) How many fingers anm I holding up? RONALD Three!... I mean... I am pants. Pants do not have eyes. JACOB Okay this is becoming a joke. Daniel Crash. Please unhypnotize us. CRASH If you insist. But you are very hard to hypnotize, mainly because you know how it works. Therefore, I will only unhypnotize Ronald. Ronald, go to sleep. RONALD falls asleep Ronald, you are now a human being. Awaken. RONALD awakens JACOB puts his pants and shoes back on RONALD I had the strangest dreaCRASH Sleep. RONALD falls asleep Ronald, you are now a bear, who hasnt eaten in days. Jacob is the only meat on earth. JACOB Wait what? CRASH Ronald, awaken. RONALD wakes up, and licks his lips RONALD I smell human. Human is my favorite treat. JACOB Oh no! Ronald! Please! I am your friend!

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RONALD Bears have no friends. Just food. JACOB Ronald! RONALD begins chasing JACOB around the stage, until RONALD pounces on top of JACOB RONALD (Singing to a tune) I love food. Food is good. Food is very very very good! JACOB Goodbye, cruel world. RONALD Hello breakfast, lunch, and dinner! RONALD begins leaning in to JACOB, with his mouth wide open, ready to eat him JACOB Daniel Crash, please! CRASH Oh, right of course, sorry, my mistake. Ronald, asleep at once! RONALD fals asleep right on top of JACOB JACOB I cant feel my body. ONEIL and PHOENIX come and drag RONALD and JACOB offstage CRASH And that is the end of the show. But before we end, I would like to bring Dave Thomspon onto the stage. DAVE enters the scene

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If any of you remember, I hypnotized Dave three nights ago, and I simply forgot to unhypnotize him. Well now, I am going to reverse what I have done, and put everything back to the way they were supposed to be. DAVE I dont know. CRASH Look deep into my eyes. Just let your feet relax, and your legs relax. Feel your hips relaxing, and your waist relaxing. Feel your chest relaxing, and your arms relaxing. Your shoulders relaxing, and your neck and head relaxing. Feel your entire body relaxing, all over. You are now asleep. Now when I snap, everything will return back to normal. You will not remember anything. You will not remember me, my friends, your new life, or anything that ever happened before this weekend. I purposely invited your companions M iles and Sarah, so that you can officially have the fresh start that you need. The one thing that will not change, is that everybody cares about you. It never did change. Everybody has always cared about you. You just have to look past your expectations. Its just that simple. CRASH snaps his finger Awaken, my friend. DAVE awakens, and is very confused, and feels scared, He then falls on the floor, and M ILES and SARAH come in from the audience and carry Dave away RONALD, PHOENIX, ONEIL, and JACOB enter the scene, and the all hold hands THE M AGICIANS We are The Great magicians! Goodnight! They bow BLACKOUT. LIGHTS UP JACOB That was quite a show!

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ONEIL Yes it was, Crash, you really pulled through. CRASH Thank you. ROSA enters the scene PHOENIX Everybody scatter! THE M AGICIANS run in all directions, afraid of ROSA ROSA I am not here to hurt anybody. RONALD Youre not going to put Crash in jail, are you? ROSA No. M r Daniel Crash The Great successfully unhypnotized Dave Thompson, therefore leaving him off spot free. THE M AGICIANS cheer CRASH So that means no jail? ROSA No jail. ONEIL Oh this day keeps on getting better and better! ROSA However, during watching the show, we realized that Daniel Crash is an amazing hypnotist. CRASH Well... who didnt know?

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ROSA So we would like him to join the M agicians Society. We need another hypnotist.... Since... the incident with our last one. CRASH A magician's society? A legit one? ROSA Yes, a legit one. CRASH Are you serious! That would be amazing! ROSA Very well. However, if you want to come with me you must leave now. RONALD But-CRASH Of course! CRASH follows ROSA offstage JACOB I cant believe he left! PHOENIX Without telling us! RONALD We still had so much stuff to do! ONEIL So many places to go! JACOB Well we can do it without him! PHOENIX Yeah... well be fine! Right?

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RONALD Right.... ONEIL Well come on guys. Lets saddle on up and move out. THE M AGICIANS hug, and walk out still hugging CRASH enters the scene CRASH What? You guys were going to go off on adventures without me? THE M AGICIANS turn around THE M AGICIANS CRASH! They run towards each other and hug CRASH I wasnt going to leave you guys! Lets go exploring. They walk out END OF PLAY