The merchant (1767)

Colman, George; Plautus, Titus Maccius . The Comedies Of Plautus, Translated Into Familiar Blank
Verse, By Bonnell Thornton . 2 v. London: Printed by J. Lister ... for T. Beckett and P. A. de Hondt [etc.],
1767.

FULL TEXT

[Page 91]

THE MERCHANT.

[Page 92]

Front matter

DEMIPHO,

LYSIMACHUS,

CHARINUS,

EUTYCHUS,

ACANTHIO,

COOK,

SERVANTS, &c.

DORIPPA,

PASICOMPSA,

SYRA.

SCENE, ATHENS.

[Page 93]

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Main text
Act 1
Prologue
PROLOGUE.

CHARINUS.

'Tis now my purpose to dispatch two things,

The argument and my amours, at once.
Not like some other lovers I have seen
In Comedy, who to the night, or day,
Or sun, or moon, relate their miseries.
For what care They for the complaints of men?
What are our wishes, or our fears, to Them?
I therefore rather tell my griefs to You.
This play, in Greek intitled Emporos,
[Page 94]

And written by Philemon, Marcus Accius,

Translating it in Latin, stiles Mercator.
Know then, 'tis now two years I parted hence,
Sent by my father forth to trade at Rhodes.
There with a charming fair I fell in love;
And how I was entangled with that love,
Lend but your ears and minds, I will unfold.
—In this too have I swerv'd from ancient rules,
By falling roundly on my tale, ere yet
I had obtain'd or ask'd your leave.—For love
Hath all these vices in his train; care, spleen,
And elegance refin'd into a fault:
—For not the lover only, but whoe'er
Aims at an elegance beyond his means,
Brings great and heavy evils on himself.—
[25] But these ills also, which are yet untold,
Are incident to love; the wakeful eye,
The troubled mind, confusion, terror, flight,
Trifling, nay folly, rashness, thoughtlessness,
Madness, and impudence, and petulance,
Inordinate desires, and wanton wishes:
Covetousness too, and idleness, and wrong,
And want, and contumely, and expence,
Babbling unopportune, and ill-tim'd silence:
Now talking much, and nothing to the purpose,
Things not to have been said, or not said now;
[Page 95]

And then again too mute; for never lover,

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However eloquent, e'er utter'd half
That might be said in pleading for his love.
Let not my babbling then offend you now!
Since Venus gave it, when she gave me love:
Love! the dear subject of my tale, to which
'Tis fitting now I study to return.
No sooner was I unto manhood grown,
My boyish days and boyish studies past,
But I became distractedly enamour'd
Of a young harlot in this neighbourhood:
Then all my means, without my father's knowlege,
Were squander'd upon Her; for she was held
In slavery by a hungry pimp, whose palm
[50] Still itch'd, and tongue still crav'd, for sordid gain.
On this my father urg'd me night and day,
Painting the wrongs, the perfidy, of pimps;
Insisting, that his fortunes ran to waste,
To swell the tide of theirs. All this aloud:
Anon he growl'd and mutter'd to himself,
Refus'd to enter into converse with me,
Nay, would deny me for his son; then ran,
Bawling and raving, to warn all the town
To give no credit, and advance no money;
Crying, that the extravagance of love
Had ruin'd thousands;—that I past all bounds,
And was a spendthrift and a libertine,
Who drew, by ev'ry means I could devise,
His wealth and substance from him;—that 'twas vile,
To waste and dissipate in vicious love,
[Page 96]

What he by care and labour had acquir'd;—

That he had nurtur'd a domestick shame,
Whom nothing but repentance could redeem,
And render fit to live;—that at my years
He did not, like myself, devote his time
To idleness, and indolence, and love,
—Nor could indeed have done it, so severe
And strict a hand his father held on him—
But toil'd and moyl'd for ever in the country;
[75] Once in five years allow'd to visit town,
And then, as soon as he had seen the shew,
Dragg'd by his father back into the country,
Where he work'd most of all the family;
His father crying all the while, “Well done!
“'Tis not for me, but for yourself, my boy,
“You plow and harrow, sow and reap; your toil

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“Will end in joy and happiness at last;”—
That when his father died he sold the farm,
And purchas'd with the money rais'd from thence
A vessel of three hundred ton; with which
He traded to all quarters of the globe,
And made the fortune which he now possest;
—That it behov'd me then to do the same,
[Page 97]

And shew that I was worthy of his love,

By following so worthy an example.—
I therefore, seeing that I was become
The object of my father's hate—my father,
Whom I was bound to please—tho' mad with love,
Subdued, however hard the task, my mind,
And told him I was ready to go forth
To traffick, and determin'd to renounce,
So he were pleas'd withal, all thoughts of love.
He thank'd me, prais'd me for my good intention,
But fail'd not to exact my promise of me:
[100] Builds me a vessel, purchases a cargo,
Embarks it strait, and pays me down a talent.
With me he sends a slave too, who had been
A tutor to me in my infancy,
By way of governor. We hoisted sail,
And soon arriv'd at Rhodes; where I dispos'd
Of all the merchandize that I had brought,
Much to my gain and profit, much beyond
The rate at which my father valued it.
Having thus rais'd much money, I encounter'd
An old acquaintance at the port, who knew me,
And ask'd me home to supper: home I went,
And sat me down; was handsomely receiv'd,
And merrily and nobly entertain'd.
Going to rest at night, behold, a woman,
[Page 98]

A handsomer was never seen, came to me!

Sent by my host's command to sleep with me.
Judge too how much she pleas'd me! for next day
I begg'd my host to sell her to me, swearing
I would be grateful, and requite his kindness.
In short I bought her, and but yesterday
I brought her hither. Yet would I not chuse
My father should discover I have brought her.
Her and a slave I've left on board the ship.—
But how's this? Is't not he that I see yonder,

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[125] My slave, that's running hither from the port,
Altho' I charg'd him not to leave the ship?
I dread the reason of it.

SCENE II.
Enter ACANTHIO hastily.

Acan.

Do your utmost,
Try all your force, use all your skill, to save
Your poor young master! Stir yourself, Acanthio;
Away with weariness; beware of sloth;—
Plague on this panting! I can scarce fetch breath.—
Drive all you meet before you; push them down,
And roll them in the kennel!—Plague upon't;
Tho' the folks see one breathless and in haste,
None have the manners truly to give place.
[Page 99]

And so one's forc'd to do three things at once;

To run, and fight, and quarrel all the way.

Cha.
(behind)

What can it be that asks such wondrous haste?

I long to know what news he brings.

Acan.

I trifle.
The more I stop, the more we are in danger.

Cha.

He speaks of some misfortune.

Acan.

My knees fail me.

Oh, how my heart keeps thumping in my bosom!
My breath's gone! I should make a woful piper!

Cha.
(behind)

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Plague! take your mantle, and wipe off the sweat.

Acan.

Not all the baths on earth can take away

This lassitude.—But where's Charinus now?
Is he abroad? or to be found at home?

Cha.

Oh, how I doubt what this affair can be!

[25]  I'll know immediately, to ease my pain.

Acan.

Why do I stand thus? why do I not beat

Our door to shatters?—Open somebody!
Ho! is Charinus, my young master, here?
Or is he gone abroad?—What! nobody
To answer to the door?

Cha.

                                        Ho! here am I,
You're looking for, Acanthio!

Acan.
(not seeing him)

                                        Such a school
For servants, as our house!

Cha.

                                        What mischief now?

(Going up.)

[Page 100]

Acan.

Much mischief to yourself and me, Charinus.

Cha.

What is the matter?

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Acan.

                                        We're undone, Charinus.

Cha.

Be that the fortune of our enemies!

Acan.

But 'tis your fortune.

Cha.

                                        Well, whate'er it be,

Tell me this instant.

Acan.

                                        Softly! I want breath.

I've burst a vein already for your sake,—
And now I spit blood.

Cha.

                                        Take Ægyptian rosin

Mix'd with a little honey: that will cure you.

Acan.

Plague! drink hot pitch, and that will ease your pain.

Cha.

I never saw so passionate a fellow.

Acan.

[50]  Nor I one so provoking.

Cha.

                                        But why so?

Because that I advise you for your health?

Acan.

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Plague take the health that's bought with so much pain!

Cha.

Was ever good without some little ill?

And would you lose the first to miss the last?

Acan.

I don't know that: I'm no philosopher:

And don't desire the good that's mix'd with evil.

Cha.

Give me your hand, Acanthio.

Acan.

                                        Here then, take it.

Cha.

Will you obey me? ay, or no, Acanthio?

Acan.

Judge by experience; when I've burst myself

In running up and down to seek you out,
That you might know the news more speedily.

[Page 101]

Cha.

Within these few months I will make you free.

Acan.

Ah, how you stroak me!

Cha.

                                        Do you think 'tis false?

Before I speak, you know if I would lie.

Acan.

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Ah! your words weary me still more: you kill me.

Cha.

Is't thus that you obey me?

Acan.

                                        What's your pleasure?

Cha.

Do as I'd have you.

Acan.

                                        Well, what would you have?

Cha.

I'll tell you.

Acan.

                    Tell me.

Cha.

[75]                                          Softly, in your ear.

Acan.

Are you afraid to wake the sleeping audience?

Cha.

Plague take you!

Acan.

                                        I have brought you from the port—

Cha.

What have you brought me? tell me.

Acan.

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                                        Force, and fear,
Torture, and care, and strife, and beggary.

Cha.

Death! what a store of evils hast thou brought!

I'm ruin'd then?

Acan.

                    You are.

Cha.

                                        And I'm a wretch?

Acan.

Ev'n so: I'll say no more.

[Page 102]

Cha.

                                        What is this mischief?

Acan.

Nay, never ask: the heaviest misfortune!

Cha.

Ah prithee, good now, ease me of my pain:

You keep my mind too long in this suspence.

Acan.

Softly! I've many things to ask of you

Before I'm beaten.

Cha.

                                        Faith, you shall be beaten,

Unless you speak, or run away.

Acan.

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                                        See there!
See, how he coaxes! no man upon earth
So gentle, when he gives his mind to it.

Cha.

I beg you, I intreat you, tell me quickly;

Since I must turn a suppliant to my slave.

Acan.

[100]  Am I unworthy on't?

Cha.

                                        Oh no: most worthy.

Acan.

I thought so.

Cha.

                    Is the ship lost?

Acan.

                                        Safe: ne'er fear.

Cha.

And all the cargo?

Acan.

                    Safe and sound.

Cha.

                                        Then tell me,

Why you ran over the whole town to seek me?

Acan.

You take the words out of my mouth.

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Cha.

                                        I'm dumb.

[Page 103]

Acan.

Be dumb then: surely if I brought glad tidings

You would be wondrous pressing, since you urge me
Thus beyond measure to tell evil news.

Cha.

I do beseech you, let me know the worst.

Acan.

I will then, since you challenge it.—Your father—

Cha.

What of my father?

Acan.

                    Has seen—

Cha.

                    What?

Acan.

                                        Your mistress.

Cha.

My mistress? Oh, ill fortune!—But inform me—

Acan.

Of what?

Cha.

                    How could he see her?

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Acan.

                                        With his eyes.

Cha.

But how?

Acan.

[125]                      By opening them.

Cha.

                                        Away, you rascal!

To trifle when my life's at stake.

Acan.

                                        How trifle?
Did not I give an answer to your question?

Cha.

Is't certain he has seen her?

Acan.

                                        Ay, as certain
As I see you, or you see me.

Cha.

                                        But where?

Acan.

On board the ship, where he stood close beside her,

And spoke with her.

Cha.

                                        You have undone me, father!

[Page 104]

And you, you rascal, wherefore did not you

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Prevent his seeing her? How comes it, sirrah,
You did not shut her up, to hinder it?

Acan.

Because we were employ'd about our business,

And busy with the tackling. The mean while
Your father came 'long-side us with a boat,
And no soul saw him till he was on board.

Cha.

In vain have I escap'd loud storms at sea:

Now, when I thought myself secure on shore,
I feel myself the sport of angry waves,
And dash'd upon the rocks.—Proceed: what follow'd?

Acan.

Soon as he saw the woman, he enquir'd

Whom she belong'd to.

Cha.

[150]                                          What did she reply?

Acan.

I ran directly up, and breaking in,

Said you had bought her as a serving-maid,
To wait upon your mother.

Cha.

                                        Did he seem
To credit this?

Acan.

                                        Entirely.—But the rogue

Began to toy with her.

Cha.

                                        With her, d'ye say?

Acan.

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Why, do you think he'd toy with me?

Cha.

                                        My heart
Melts away drop by drop in briny tears,
Like salt dissolv'd in water. I'm undone.

[Page 105]

Acan.

That's true enough: and yet 'tis foolish too.

Cha.

What shall I do?—If I should tell my father

I bought this woman for my mother's use,
He'll not believe it: and 'tis shameful too
To tell my father lies. He'll not believe it;
Nor is it credible I should have purchas'd
So sweet a creature to attend my mother.

Acan.

Ridiculous! Have done: he will believe it:

For he believ'd my story.

Cha.

                                        How I dread
His catching some suspicion of the truth!
Tell me, Acanthio!

Acan.

[175]                                          What is't I must tell you?

Cha.

Did he appear to have the least suspicion

She was my mistress?

Acan.

                                        Not the least: but swallow'd

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All that I told him.

Cha.

                                        So you might imagine.

Acan.

Nay, but I'm sure he did.

Cha.

                                        Confusion! ruin!
—But wherefore waste I my time here in grieving?
Why don't I seek the vessel?—Follow me.

Acan.

Go that way, and you're sure to meet your father:

Who, when he sees you fearful and dismay'd,
[Page 106]

Will strait take hold of you, and question you,

Where 'twas you bought her, what you gave for her,
And overwhelm you in your fright.

Cha.

                                        Why then,
I'll go this other way.—D'ye think my father
Has left the port?

Acan.

                                        It was the very reason

I ran before to seek you out, for fear
He should fall on you unawares, and worm
The secret out of you.

Cha.

                                        'Twas bravely done.

The End of the First Act.

[Page 107]

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ACT II.
SCENE I.
DEMIPHO.

How many ways the Gods make sport of men!

How strangely do they fool us in our sleep!
As I last night experienc'd in my dream.
Methought I bought a beautiful she-goat;
But lest she should offend another goat,
I had before at home; or lest the two,
Together in one place, should disagree,
Methought I gave her to the custody
Of an old ape; who not long after came,
Full of complainings and reproaches, to me:
Saying, that by receiving this new guest,
He had sustain'd much injury and wrong;
For the she-goat I trusted to his care
Had seiz'd on his wife's dowry. Strange! said I,
A single goat should seize an ape's wife's dowry!
Still he insisted on it; and in short,
Unless I took the goat directly thence,
Threaten'd to bring her home unto my wife.
[Page 108]

I doating, as I thought, on this young goat,

No friend at hand to take her to his care,
Was tortur'd with distress and doubt. Mean while
A kid, methought, accosted me, and told me,
That he had carried off the goat, and laugh'd;
While I lamented and bewail'd her loss.
[25]  To what this dream should point, I can't devise:
Altho' indeed I half suspect already
The meaning of that little young She-goat:
For, having finish'd all my business here,
I went this morning early to the port,
Where I beheld a vessel come from Rhodes,
In which my son arriv'd but yesterday;
It came, I know not how, into my head,
To visit it; I got into a boat,
And went from thence on board the ship; wherein
I saw a woman of exceeding beauty,
Intended by my son to serve his mother.
Ev'n at first sight I fell in love with her;
Not soberly in love, but to distraction.
In former days, 'tis true, when I was young,
I've been in love indeed; but never thus.

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Oh how I rave! with no more sense than this,
To know that I am mad, and die for love.
Ay marry, this is the She-goat, I warrant;
But what the Ape and Kid portend, I fear.
But peace! I see my neighbour coming forth.

[Page 109]

SCENE II.
Enter LYSIMACHUS and SERVANT.

Lysim.
(to Servant)

Now by my troth, I'll have that old goat gelt,

That gives me so much trouble in the country.

Dem.
(behind)

Oh horrid omen! dreadful augury!

I wish my wife don't treat me like this Goat,
And act the part of that same Ape I dreamt of.

Lysim.
(to Servant.)

Go you directly to my country-house,

And see that you deliver up those rakes
Into my farmer Pistus his own hands.
Let my wife know, she is not to expect me,
As I have business keeps me here in town;
Say, I've three causes coming on to-day.
[Page 110]

Go, and remember.

Serv.

                    Nothing else, Sir?

Lysim.

                                        Nothing.

                                        [Exit Serv.

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Dem.
(coming up)

Save you, Lysimachus!

Lysim.

                                        Ha, Demipho!
Save you: how is't? how goes it?

Dem.

                                        Wretchedly.

Lysim.

The Gods forbid!

Dem.

                    'Tis the Gods' doing.

Lysim.

                                        What?

Dem.

I'd tell you, if I saw you were at leisure.

Lysim.

Nay, tho' I'm busy, tell me, Demipho:

I've always leisure to assist my friend.

Dem.

[25]  I know your friendly nature by experience.

—How old do I appear to you?

Lysim.

                                        So old,
That you have one foot in the grave; quite aged;
Tottering beneath the weight of years; decrepid.

Dem.

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You're blind: I am a child, Lysimachus,
A child of sev'n years old.

Lysim.

                                        Of sev'n years old!

You're mad.

Dem.

                    'Tis true.

Lysim.

                                        Oh, now I guess your meaning.

When a man reaches the last stage of life,
“Sans sense, sans taste, sans eyes, sans every thing,”
They say that he is grown a child again.

Dem.

Nay, nay, but I'm in better health than ever.

Lysim.

Well done! I'm glad on't.

Dem.

                                        And if you knew all,

[Page 111]

My eyes are better than they ever were.

Lysim.

Very well!

Dem.

                    Very ill, Sir.

Lysim.

                                        Very ill then.

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Dem.

But may I dare to tell you?

Lysim.

                    Boldly.

Dem.

                                        Hear then!

Lysim.

I'm all attention.

Dem.

[50]                                          On this very day

I've been to school to learn the alphabet.
I know four letters.

Lysim.

                    What four letters?

Dem.

                                        LOVE.

Lysim.

Love, you old fool! with that grey head, you dotard!

Dem.

Grey head, or red head, or black head, I love.

Lysim.

You mean to play upon me, Demipho.

Dem.

Cut off my head, if what I say be false:

Or, that you may be certain that I love,
Take a knife, cut my finger, or my ear,

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My nose, or lip; and if I shrink, or wince,
Or feel that I am cut, Lysimachus,
I'll give you leave to kill me for my love.

Lysim.

If you have ever seen, or wish to see

The picture of a lover, this is he.
For in my mind an old, decrepid, dotard
Is but a painted sign upon a wall.

Dem.

This, I suppose, is meant to punish me.

Lysim.

I punish you?

Dem.

                                        I don't deserve reproof.

[Page 112]

Many great men have done the same before.

'Tis natural to all mankind to love:
'Tis natural to all mankind to pardon.
Upbraid me not; I love against my will.

Lysim.

[75]  I don't upbraid you.

Dem.

                                        Nay, but do not hold me

The less in your esteem on this account.

Lysim.

Ah! heav'n forbid I should!

Dem.

                    Take care!

Lysim.

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                                        I will.

Dem.

But certainly?

Lysim.

                                        You pester me.—This man

Is mad with love.—Would you aught else?

Dem.

                                        Your servant!

Lysim.

I'm going to the Port: I've business there,

Dem.

A pleasant walk to you!

Lysim.

                    Farewel.

Dem.

                                        Farewel!

                                        [Exit Lysimachus.

SCENE III.
DEMIPHO
alone.

I have some business at the Port myself:

I'll thither.—But I see my son. Good! good!
I'll wait his coming; and I must consider
[Page 113]

Which way I shall endeavour to persuade him

To fell this wench, not give her to his mother,
For whom I hear he bought her as a present.
But it behoves me to be wary, lest

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He find I've set my heart upon the girl.

SCENE IV.
Enter at a distance CHARINUS.

Cha.

Never, I verily believe, was man

So miserable as myself, so cross'd.
Whate'er I undertake, I can't effect;
Whatever wish I form, I can't accomplish:
Some evil fortune comes across me still,
Destroying my best counsels.—What a wretch!
I purchas'd me a mistress to my liking,
Thinking I could conceal her from my father.
He has discover'd, seen her, and undone me.
Nor have I yet determin'd what to say,
When he enquires; so many different thoughts
Fight in my breast, I have not pow'r to chuse,
But my care's doubled by uncertainty.
Sometimes I like my servant's counsel well;
And then again I like it not; and think
My father never can believe I purchas'd
This woman to attend upon my mother.
Then if I tell the real truth, and own
I bought the girl upon my own account,
What will he think of me? He'll rob me of her,
And send her back beyond sea to be sold.
[Page 114]

I am not now to learn his cruelty,

Too well convinc'd on't e'er I went from home.
—And is this love then? better plow, than love.
[25] He thrust me forth from home against my will
To trade abroad; and there this evil seiz'd me.
What joy's in that, whose pain exceeds the pleasure?
In vain I hid, conceal'd, and kept her secret.
My father, like a fly, is every where,
Enters all places, sacred, or profane:
And I have lost all confidence, all hope.

Dem.
(behind)

What is't my son is muttering to himself?

He seems uneasy.

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Cha.
(seeing him)

Ha! my father here!

I'll go and speak to him.
(Going up)
How do you, Sir?

Dem.

Whence come you? Why are you so flutter'd, son?

[Page 115]

Cha.

Nothing.

Dem.

I'm glad to hear it.—But what now?

You turn pale.—Are you sick?

Cha.

A little, Sir.
I did not sleep extremely well last night.

Dem.

Having been out so long at sea, your head

Turns round now you're on shore.

Cha.

I fancy so.

Dem.

Ay, ay, that's it: but it will soon go off.

That is the reason of your turning pale:
Go home then, if you're wise, and rest yourself.

Cha.

I have not time: I've business to look after.

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Dem.

Do that to-morrow, or some other day.

Cha.

[50]  I've often heard you say, Sir, that wise men
Should take care to dispatch their business first.

Dem.

Well, follow your own way: I'll not oppose you.

Cha.
(Aside)

Let him but stick to that, I'm safe enough.

Dem.
(Aside)

What is it he's consulting by himself?

I'm not afraid of his discovering me;
Since I've done nothing foolish or absurd,
As men in love are apt to do.

Cha.
(Aside)

                                        I'm safe.
'Tis plain that he knows nothing of my mistress;
For if he did, he would talk otherwise.

Dem.
(Aside)

I'll speak to him about her.

Cha.
(Aside)

                                        I'll walk off.

[Page 116]

(Aloud)
I'll go and execute my friends' commissions.

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Dem.

Stay, son; not yet: I want to ask you something

Before you go.

Cha.

                                        What is your pleasure, Sir?

Dem.
(after hesitating)

How have you had your health since you've been gone?

Cha.

Very well, all the time I was abroad:

But coming into Port, turn'd strangely sick.

Dem.

Sea-sickness, I suppose: 'twill soon away.

—But prithee tell me, have not you brought home
A slave from Rhodes to wait upon your mother?

Cha.

I have.

Dem.

                    And is she beautiful?

Cha.

[75]                                          Not ugly.

Dem.

And well behav'd?

Cha.

                                        Extremely well, I think.

Dem.

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Why truly, when I saw her, so she seem'd.

Cha.

What! have you seen her, father?

Dem.

                                        I have seen her:

But she'll not do for us, she's not the thing.

Cha.

Why so?

Dem.

                                        Her person is too delicate.

We want a lusty servant-wench, to weave,
Grind-corn, cut wood, spin, sweep the house, be cudgel'd,
And cook the dinner for the family.
This girl's not fit for any of these uses.

[Page 117]

Cha.

The very reason that I purchas'd her,

As a genteeler present for my mother.

Dem.

No, no: don't give her; do not say you've brought her.

Cha.

Heav'n favours me!

(Aside)

Dem.

                                        I shake him by degrees.

(Aside)

(To Cha.)

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Besides, tho' I forgot to mention it,
Such an attendant could not decently
Follow your mother, nor will I allow it.

Cha.

Why so?

Dem.

                                        Because it would be scandalous

To see a girl so handsome in the street,
After the mistress of a family.
[100]  The folks would gaze, and stare, and wink and beckon,
Hiss her, and twitch her by the sleeve, call to her,
Grow rude, sing catches underneath her window,
And scrawl her praise with coal upon our doors.
And as the world is given to detraction,
They'd say my wife and I were turn'd procurers.
Now where is the occasion for all this?

Cha.

You're in the right: I'm quite of your opinion.

[Page 118]

—But how shall we dispose her then?

Dem.

                                        I'll tell you.

I'll buy your mother a stout strapping wench,
Some Syrian or Ægyptian, plain and homely,
Fit for the mistress of a family;
And she shall grind, and spin, and take a whipping,
And bring no shame or scandal to our door.

Cha.

Suppose then I return this girl to him,

Of whom I purchas'd her?

Dem.

                                        On no account.

Cha.

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He said he'd take her back, if not approv'd of.

Dem.

There's no occasion for it; no occasion.

I would not make a difference betwixt you,
Nor have your faith and honour call'd in question:
And I would rather, if 'twere necessary,
Endure some little loss, than have this woman
Bring a disgrace and scandal on our house.
[125]  But I believe that I can sell her for you,
And make a tolerable market too.

Cha.

At no less price than I paid for her, father.

Dem.

Peace! an old gentleman of my acquaintance

Commission'd me, some little time ago,
To purchase for him such a girl as this.

Cha.

But a young man of my acquaintance, Sir,

Commission'd me to purchase one for him.

Dem.

I think, I can have twenty Minæ for her.

Cha.

But, if I pleas'd, I could have sev'n and twenty

Paid down immediately.

Dem.

                    But I—

Cha.

                                        But I—

[Page 119]

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Dem.

Peace! you don't know what I was going to say:

I can bid up three Minæ more; that's thirty.

                                        (Looking on one side.

Cha.

Whom are you turning to?

Dem.

                                        The purchaser.

Cha.

Where is the gentleman?

Dem.

                                        I see him yonder:

He bids me add five Minæ more.

Cha.

                                        Plague take him,

Whoe'er he be!
(Apart)

Dem.

                                        He nods to me again:

Six Minæ more!

Cha.

                                        Sev'n more!—I am resolv'd

[150]  He shan't exceed me. My chap bids the fairest.

Dem.

Bid what he will, I'll have her.

Cha.

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                                        Mine bid first.

Dem.

No matter.

Cha.

                    He bids fifty.

Dem.

                                        For a hundred
He shall not have her. Why d'ye bid against me?
You'll have a noble bargain; the old man,
For whom I purchase her, is such a dotard:
He's mad for love of her; and you shall have
Your price, ask what you will.

Cha.

                                        Indeed, indeed, Sir,

The youth, for whom I buy, is dying for her.

Dem.

The old man, if you knew him, is much fonder.

[Page 120]

Cha.

The old man never was, and never will be,

More mad for love than this young fellow, Sir.

Dem.

Have done: I'll manage this.

Cha.

                    What mean you?

Dem.

                                        How!

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Cha.

I did not take this woman as a slave.

Dem.

But he will take her as a slave: so let him.

Cha.

You have no right to set her up to sale.

Dem.

I'll mind that matter.

Cha.

                                        Then too she belongs

To me in common with another man:
[175]  And how am I to judge of his intentions,
Whether he means to part with her, or no?

Dem.

I know he will.

Cha.

                                        But I know one that won't.

Dem.

What's that to me?

Cha.

                                        Because he has a right

To challenge the disposal of his own.

Dem.

What do you say?

Cha.

                                        I say that she is mine

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In common with another, not now present.

Dem.

You answer me, before I ask the question.

[Page 121]

Cha.

You buy my slave, before I sell her, father:

I don't know if my friend and partner in her
Chuses to part with her, or no.

Dem.

                                        How then
Can t'other man commission you to purchase,
When he don't chuse to sell? You trifle with me.
No man shall have her but the man I mean,
I am resolv'd.

Cha.

                    You are resolv'd?

Dem.

                                        I am.
Moreover, I'll directly to the ship,
And there she shall be sold.

Cha.

                                        Shall I go with you?

Dem.

No.

Cha.

[200]                      You don't chuse it?

Dem.

                                        You had better stay,

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And look to the commission you are charg'd with.

Cha.

You won't allow me?

Dem.

                                        No. Excuse yourself,

And tell your friend that you have done your best.
But come not to the Port, I charge you.

Cha.

                                        No, Sir.

Dem.
(Aside)

I'll to the Port myself, and left my son

Discover my proceedings, use great caution.
I will not purchase her myself; but trust
My friend Lysimachus to buy her for me.
He said that he was going to the Port.
I'll to him, without further loss of time.

                                        [Exit.

[Page 122]

SCENE V.
CHARINUS
alone.

Death and confusion! ruin'd and undone!

They say, the Bacchanals tore Pentheus piece-meal:
Ah, he was never half so torn as I am!
Why do I live? why, why am I not dead?
I'll go and seek out an apothecary,
And kill myself with poison; being robb'd
Of that, for which alone I wish to live.

                                        (Going.

SCENE VI.
Enter EUTYCHUS.

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Eut.

Hold, hold, Charinus!

Cha.

                    Who calls?

Eut.

                                        Eutychus.
[Page 123]

Your friend, companion, neighbour, Eutychus.

Cha.

Ah! you don't know the griefs I labour under.

Eut.

I do: from our door I have heard it all.

I know the whole affair.

Cha.

                                        What is't you know?

Eut.

Your father means to sell—

Cha.

                    You're right.

Eut.

                                        Your mistress—

Cha.

You're but too well inform'd.

Eut.

                                        Against your will.

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Cha.

You know too much: but how did you discover

She was my mistress?

Eut.

                                        You acquainted me
Yourself but yesterday.

Cha.

                                        I had forgot it.

Eut.

No wonder.

Cha.

                                        Come, instruct me, Eutychus;

Tell me, which way I shall destroy myself.

Eut.

Peace! never talk thus!

Cha.

                                        What then shall I talk of?

Eut.

Shall I impose upon your father?

Cha.

[25]                                          Ay;
With all my heart.

Eut.

                                        And shall I to the Port?

Cha.

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On wings, if possible.

Eut.

                                        And buy the girl?

Cha.

Ay; with her weight in gold.

[Page 124]

Eut.

                                        But where's the gold?

Cha.

I'll beg Achilles to lend Hector's ransom.

Eut.

You're mad.

Cha.

                                        True: were I in my perfect mind,

I should not ask your help, as my physician.

Eut.

Shall I pay down whatever price he asks?

Cha.

More than he asks; a thousand pieces more.

Eut.

Peace; and consider where you'll get the money,

When you're to settle with your father.

Cha.

                                        Somewhere;
Anywhere; something shall be thought of.

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Eut.

                                        Pshaw!
I am afraid that something will be nothing.

Cha.

Can't you be silent?

Eut.

                    I am dumb.

Cha.

                                        But are you

Sufficiently instructed?

Eut.

                                        Prithee think
Of something else.

Cha.

[50]                                          It is impossible.

Eut.

Farewell!

Cha.

                                        I can't fare well, till you return.

Eut.

Pity, you're mad!

Cha.

                                        Go, thrive, and save my life!

Eut.

I'll do it: do you wait for me at home!

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Cha.

And you return with speed, and bring the spoil!

                                        [Exeunt severally.

The End of the Second Act.

[Page 125]

ACT III.
SCENE I.
Enter LYSIMACHUS, with PASICOMPSA.

LYSIMACHUS.

I've acted by my neighbour neighbourly,

And bought this piece of goods at his request.
You're mine now.
(To Pas.)
Follow me:—Nay, do not weep;
You are to blame to spoil those pretty eyes,
And you shall find more cause to laugh than cry.

Pas.

Good Sir, inform me!

Lys.

                                        Ask whate'er you please.

Pas.

What did you buy me for?

Lys.

                                        For what?—To do
Whate'er I order you; and in return
I'll do whatever you shall order me.

Pas.

I shall in all my best obey you, Sir.

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Lys.

My orders will not be extremely painful.

                                        (Smiling.

Pas.

Indeed, Sir, I've not learnt to carry burdens,

Nor to tend cattle, nor take care of children.

Lys.

Be a good girl, and you shall be well treated.

Pas.

Then I am miserable.

Lys.

                    Why?

Pas.

                                        Because
[Page 126]

I came from whence bad people were best treated:

Nor would I speak what all folks know already.

Lys.

'Fore heaven, that speech alone is well worth more

Than I paid for her.—You'd insinuate
That there is no such thing as a good woman?

Pas.

[25]  Indeed I don't say that, Sir.

Lys.

                                        Give me leave
To ask you one thing.

Pas.

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                                        Ask it: I'll reply.

Lys.

Acquaint me with your name then.

Pas.

                                        Pasicompsa.

Lys.

It suits your form.—But tell me, Pasicompsa,

Could you, if there were an occasion for it,
Weave a fine woof?

Pas.

                    I could.

Lys.

                                        It follows then

Undoubtedly that you could weave a coarser.

Pas.

I fear no woman of my age for weaving.

Lys.

Ay, a good girl, I warrant you, and honest;

And of an age to know your duty well.

Pas.

Indeed I have been well instructed, Sir;

And will not let my work be call'd in question.

Lys.

Well, that's the very thing; you'll do, I find;

I'll give you for your own peculiar use
[Page 127]

A sheep of sixty years of age.

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Pas.

                                        So old, Sir?

Lys.

Of the true Grecian breed, extremely fine;

And you will sheer it most incomparably.

Pas.

Whatever honour's done me, I'll be grateful.

Lys.

Now, child, to undeceive you, you're not mine.

[50]  Do not imagine it.

Pas.

                                        Whose am I then?

Lys.

You're purchas'd for your master's use again;

And I've now ransom'd you at his request.

Pas.

Ah! I revive, if he be true to me.

Lys.

Be of good cheer! he'll give you liberty.

'Fore heaven, girl, he loves you to distraction:
You charm'd him at first sight to-day.

Pas.

                                        To-day?
'Tis now two years that we have been connected:
For since I find you are his friend, I'll trust you.

Lys.

How! have you been two years connected?

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Pas.

                                        Ay:
And bound each other by a mutual oath,
Never to know a man or wife beside,
Or yield to an adulterous embrace.

Lys.

Good heav'n! has he no commerce with his wife?

Pas.

His wife? He is not, nor will e'er be married.

Lys.

Would he were not! He is a perjur'd man.

[Page 128]

Pas.

I love no man on earth like that dear youth.

Lys.

A youth, you simpleton!—Not long ago

His teeth fell out.

Pas.

                    Whose teeth?

Lys.

                                        No matter whose.

Follow me in: he has intreated me
[75]  To give you entertainment at our house
For one day; since my wife is out of town.

                                        [Exeunt.

SCENE II.
DEMIPHO
alone.

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I have concerted this intrigue at last,
And purchas'd, by my neighbour's help, a mistress,
Without the knowledge of my wife and son.
I'll recollect old saws, and please my humour:
My race near run, the rest of my career
Shall be fill'd up with pleasure, wine, and love:
For to indulge and sate the appetite
In this last stage of life is very meet.
While you are lusty, young, and full of blood,
You ought to toil and labour for a fortune;
But in old age, be happy, while you may,
And render all your latter years clear gain.
I by my deeds will prove these maxims true.
But mean while I must call at home: my wife,
I warrant you, is almost starv'd with waiting,
And has expected me at home long since.
—Yet if I go, she'll kill me with her scolding:
[Page 129]

No: come what may, I'll not go home at present,

But find my neighbour first, and give him charge
To hire me some apartments for my mistress.
But see! he's coming forth.

SCENE III.
Enter LYSIMACHUS.

Lys,
(speaking to Pas. within)

I'll bring him to you

Directly, if I find him.

Dem.
(behind)

                                        Meaning me.

Lys.
(turning about)

Demipho!

Dem.

                                        Is the woman at your house?

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Lys.

What do you think?

Dem.

What if I go and see?

(Going.

Lys.

Whither so fast? hold, hold!

(Stopping him.

Dem.

On what account?

Lys.

Think what you ought to do.

Dem.

And wherefore think?

To enter here is what I ought to do.

Lys.

And would you enter, you old bellweather?

Dem.

Why should not I?

Lys.

Be rul'd by me, and learn

Certain precautions I think needful first.
For shou'd you enter now, you'd run directly
Into her arms, and talk to her, and kiss her.

Dem.

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You know my mind: I should do even so.

Lys.

You would do wrong then.

Dem.

                                        Wrong, with her I love?

[Page 130]

Lys.

More and more wrong with her you love.—What you!

A goat of an old fellow, rank, and fasting,
Go with your stinking breath to kiss a wench?
[25]  Your fondness will but make the woman sick.
'Fore heaven, you must doat indeed to think on't.

Dem.

Suppose then (since 'tis so) we get some cook

To dress a supper for us at your house
Against the evening.

Lys.

                                        Well said! now you've hit it.

Now you talk gallantly, and like a lover.

Dem.

Why do we stand then? Let's go instantly,

And cater for a jovial entertainment!

Lys.

I'll follow you; but mark, I give you warning,

To look out for a lodging for this wench.
She cannot stay with me beyond to-day;
For fear my wife should come to town to-morrow,
And find her here.

Dem.

                                        I've settled that. Away!

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                                        [Exeunt.

SCENE IV.
CHARINUS
alone.

Now am not I a wretch, a wretch indeed,

To whom no place can minister repose?
If I'm at home, my mind is gone abroad;
If I'm abroad, my mind remains at home.
Love in my breast and heart so fiercely burns,
[Page 131]

Did not a sluice of tears defend my eyes,

My head would be in flames.—Some hope remains;
Safety is fled; if ever to return,
As yet I am uncertain. If my father
Should seize, as he has threaten'd, Pasicompsa,
Safety is gone for ever. If my friend
Return successful, he brings safety with him.
And yet had that same tardy Eutychus
Been crippled with the gout, he might have been
Here from the Port ere now.—Oh, he is slow,
When I could wish him nimble as my thoughts.
—But who comes running hither?—Ha! 'tis he.
I'll meet him.—And Oh Thou, who seest all deeds
Of Gods and men, the sovereign governess
Of ev'ry mortal accident, I thank thee
For bringing me this hope!—But may I hope?
Ah, I'm undone! His aspect likes me not.
Mournful he comes.—My bosom burns; I doubt;
—He shakes his head.—Well, friend!

[Page 132]

SCENE V.
Enter EUTYCHUS.

Eut.

                                        Alas, Charinus!

Cha.

Ere you take breath, deliver but one word.

Where am I? with the living, or the dead?

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Eut.

With neither.

Cha.

                                        Then I'm safe. I am immortal.

He has redeem'd her, and o'er-reach'd my father.
—There's no soul living that can sooner put
His purpose into act.—Come, prithee speak!
If neither here, nor with the dead, where am I?

Eut.

No where.

Cha.

Confusion! this dull trifling kills me.

When you should speak directly to the point,
To beat about the bush thus, is provoking.
Whate'er thy news, tell me the sum of all.

Eut.

First, we are ruin'd then.

Cha.

                                        Nay, that's no news.

Inform me something I don't know.

Eut.

                                        Your mistress
Is torn away from you.

Cha.

                                        Ah, Eutychus!
You're guilty of a capital offence.

Eut.

Of what?

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Cha.

                                        Of murder: for you put to death

A friend, companion, and free citizen.

Eut.

[25]  Heaven forbid!

Cha.

                                        You've cut my throat. I fall.

[Page 133]

Eut.

Abandon not your mind unto despair!

Cha.

I have no mind to be abandon'd, I.

—Come, speak the rest of your ill news: for whom
Has she been purchas'd?

Eut.

                                        That I cannot tell.

She was adjudg'd a slave, and carried off,
Before I reach'd the Port.

Cha.

                                        Ah me! you throw

Mountains of fire upon me with these news.
Proceed, and torture, executioner,
Since you have once begun.

Eut.

                                        Alas, my friend,
This troubles me as sorely as yourself.

Cha.

Tell me, who bought her.

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Eut.

                    I don't know.

Cha.

                                        See there!
Is that discharging business like a friend?

Eut.

What could I do?

Cha.

                                        The very thing, that now

You've seen Me do; have died, but have discover'd
What kind of man he was, who purchas'd her:
And possibly that way have trac'd the woman.

[Page 134]

Eut.

Alas!

                                        (Weeping.

Cha.

[50]                                          Weep not the mischiefs you have done.

Eut.

What have I done?

Cha.

                                        Destroy'd me; broke your faith.

Eut.

The Gods are witnesses I'm not to blame.

Cha.

Away! ne'er call upon the absent Gods.

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Give me a living witness of your truth.

Eut.

I have proofs worthy your belief, proofs worthy

To be produc'd by me.

Cha.

                                        You're quick and apt

At disputation; to discharge your trust
Lame, blind, dumb, senseless, weak, and impotent.
You promis'd to cajole my father. I,
Fool that I was! believ'd you capable:
But now I find you a mere block, a stone.

Eut.

What could I do?

Cha.

                                        What could you do? Oh shame!

Have ask'd, enquir'd, who? whence he was? what figure?
A citizen, or foreigner?

Eut.

                                        They told me,

That he was an Athenian citizen.

Cha.

You might at least discover his abode,

If not his name.

Eut.

                                        No creature could inform me.

Cha.

His figure then you might have ask'd at least.

Eut.

I did.

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Cha.

[75]                                          And how did they describe him to you?

[Page 135]

Eut.

Just thus: bald-pated, bandy-legg'd, pot-bellied,

Wide-mouth'd, short, blear-eyed, lanthorn-jaw'd, splay-footed.

Cha.

This is not the description of a man,

But a mere bundle of deformities.
Know you aught more about him?

Eut.

                                        Nothing more.

Cha.

Death! his vile lanthorn-jaws have ruin'd me!

I can't endure it. I will fly my country;
And only doubt what city I shall seek,
Eretria, Megara, Corinth, Chalcis,
Crete, Cyprus, Gnidus, Sicyon, Zacynthus,
Or Lesbia, or Bœotia.

Eut.

                                        Why d'ye think on't?

Cha.

Because I'm cross'd in love.

Eut.

                                        And what of that?

Suppose you gain your place of destination,
If there you chance again to fall in love,
And be again successless, will you fly
That country too? Another and another,
Upon the like occasion?—You will set

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No bounds to exile; know no end of flight;
What country, what abode can then be certain?
Suppose you quit this city, d'ye suppose
[Page 136]

You leave love here behind you? If you think so,

[100]  If you're convinc'd on't, how much better were it,
To go into the country, and live there,
Till this ungovern'd passion wears away?

Cha.

You've said?

Eut.

                    I have.

Cha.

                                        In vain: for I'm resolv'd.

I'll home, and pay my duty to my parents;
And then, without their knowledge, fly my country,
Or take some other step as desperate.

                                        [Exit.

SCENE VI.
EUTYCHUS
alone.

How suddenly he took himself away!

Wretch that I am! if he should fly his country,
They'd say that my remissness was the cause.
I will assemble all the publick criers,
And find this woman out by proclamation.
If that should fail I'll to the Prætor, beg him
To grant search-warrant officers, and raise
An hue and cry in ev'ry street in town.
For these I think the only means are left me.

The End of the Third Act.

[Page 137]

ACT IV.

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SCENE I.
DORIPPA, SYRA
following.

My husband having sent to let me know

He could not follow me into the country,
Like a true woman, I return'd to Athens,
In quest of him, who seems to fly from me.
—But where's our Syra?—I don't see her.—Heav'n!
How slow she comes!
Enter SYRA.

                                        Why don't you follow faster?

Syr.

Good faith, I can't, with all the load I carry.

Dor.

A load! what load?

Syr.

                                        Why fourscore years and four:

Which, with fatigue, and slavery, and thirst,
Weigh me quite down.

Dor.

                                        Well, give me something, Syra,

To offer at our neighbour-altar.

[Page 138]

Syr.

                                        Take
This branch of laurel.

Dor.

                    Now go in.

Syr.

                                        I go.

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                                        (Goes in.

Dor.
(at the altar)

Apollo! I beseech you to grant peace,

And health and safety to our family;
And to my son prosperity!

Syr.
(within)

                                        Ah me!
Ah well-a-day! ah woful day! ah me!

Dor.

Why, how now? are you mad? what means this howling?

Syr.
(entering)

[25]  Dorippa! ma'am! Dorippa!

Dor.

                                        Why d'ye bawl thus?

Syr.

Here's a strange woman in the house.

Dor.

                                        What woman?

Syr.

A harlot-woman.

Dor.

                                        Is it possible?

Syr.

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Troth, you were very wise to come to town.
She were a fool indeed, who could not see
This woman was your pretty husband's mistress.

Dor.

My mind misgives me, you are in the right.

Syr.

In then with me, my Juno! and behold

Your harlotry Alcmena!

Dor.

                                        In, in, Syra!

I follow you as fast as possible.

                                        [Exeunt.

[Page 139]

SCENE II.
LYSIMACHUS
alone.

Is't not enough that Demipho's in love,

But he must be extravagant besides?
Had he invited ten grandees to supper,
He has prepar'd too lavishly; and then
He follows up the cooks, as earnestly
As pilots urge the sailors in a ship.
I hir'd the master-cook myself; and wonder
He is not come according to my order.
—But our door opens: who is this comes forth?

SCENE III.
Enter at a distance DORIPPA.

Dor.
(to herself)

There never was, never will be, a wife

More wretched than myself. Ah, what a husband!
Unhappy that I am! From this time forth
Be cautious, women, whom ye trust in marriage.
What, I! who brought a fortune of ten talents!

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That I should see, and suffer such affronts!

Lys.
(behind)

Ha! I am lost: my wife is come to town,

And has found out this wench, I warrant you.
[Page 140]

—But at this distance I can't hear.—I'll nearer.

Dor.

Ah, woe is me!

Lys.

                    And me.

Dor.

                    Undone!

Lys.

                                        And I.
No doubt but she has seen her.—All the Gods
Confound you, Demipho!

Dor.

                                        Ay, this it was

Prevented him from coming out of town.

Lys.

I'll go, and speak to her.

(Goes up)
Good morrow, wife!
—Our town-folks grow mere rusticks.

Dor.

                                        But they act

More modestly, than they who don't grow rusticks.

Lys.

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What! have the rusticks been in fault?

Dor.

                                        Much less
Than folks in town, and do themselves less mischief.

Lys.

[25]  Prithee, what mischief do the folks in town?

Dor.

What wench is that within?

Lys.

                                        You've seen her then?

[Page 141]

Dor.

I've seen her.

Lys.

                                        And, “Who is she,” do you ask?

Dor.

Ay, to be sure; and I'll know too. You know.

Lys.

You'd have me tell you “who she is,” you say.

She—she—Confusion! what shall I reply?

                                        (Aside.

Dor.

What! do you falter?

Lys.

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                    I've not seen her.—

Dor.

                                        Tell me!

Lys.

Give me but leave, I will.

Dor.

                                        You should ere now.

Lys.

You press me so, it is impossible:

You question me, as if I were to blame.

Dor.

Oh, to be sure, you're not at all to blame!

                                        (ironically.

Lys.

Say what you please.

Dor.

                    Speak you!

Lys.

                    I will.

Dor.

                                        Then speak!

Lys.

She's—Would you have me tell her name?

Dor.

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                                        You trifle.
I've catch'd you. You're in fault.

Lys.

                                        What fault? She is—

Dor.

Who is she?

Lys.
(hesitating)

[50]                      She—

Dor.

                    See there!

Lys.

                                        Plague take her name!

Did not I long to tell it, I should hit on't.

Dor.

You don't know who she is then?

Lys.

                                        Very well.
[Page 142]

I am her judge.

Dor.

                                        Her judge? Oh! now I have it.

You've call'd her here to be you're counsellor.

                                        (ironically.

Lys.

No; she is left with me, as arbiter.

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Dor.
(ironically)

I understand.

Lys.

                                        Nay, not as you imagine.

Dor.

You clear yourself too soon.

                                        (ironically.

Lys.

                                        This bitter business

Has prov'd too much for me. I'm quite aground.

                                        (Aside.

SCENE IV.
Enter the COOK, with SERVANTS.

Cook.

Quick! quick! make haste! for I must dress a supper

For an old gentleman in love.—Tho' truly
'Tis for ourselves we dress it, not for him.
For give a lover but his paramour,
He feasts on Her; to languish, and embrace,
To kiss, and chat, is meat and drink to him.
[Page 143]

But we, I trust, shall go well loaded home.

This way!—But here's th'old gentleman that hir'd us.

Lys.

The Cook here too! Undone again!

Cook.
(to Lys.)

                                        We're come.

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Lys.

Go back again.

Cook.

Go back again!—Why so?

Lys.

Hist! get away, I tell you.

Cook.

Get away?

Lys.

Be gone.

Cook.

What! don't you want a supper, Sir?

Lys.

We've supp'd already.—Now I'm quite undone.

(Aside.

Dor.

What! have the folks, who chose you arbiter,

Order'd in these provisions too?

Cook.

Is this
Your mistress, that you told me of at market?

Lys.

Hush!

Cook.

A good pretty tidy wench enough:

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And her mouth waters at a man, I warrant.

Lys.

[25]  Hence, rascal!

Cook.

                    Faith, she's not amiss.

Lys.

                                        Confusion!

                                        (Aside.

Cook.

And, I dare say, a charming bedfellow!

Lys.

Won't you be gone?—It was not I that hir'd you.

Cook.

Not you? 'Fore heaven, your own self.

Lys.

                                        Undone!

                                        (Aside.

Cook.

By the same token too, you let me know

[Page 144]

Your wife was in the country, whom you loath'd

Worse than a serpent.

Lys.

                                        Did I tell you so?

Cook.

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Ay, that you did.

Lys.

                                        So help me Jupiter,

As I ne'er utter'd such a word, sweet wife!

Dor.

Can you deny it?

Cook.

                                        No; he did not say

He loath'd you, mistress, but his wife.

Dor.

                                        'Tis plain
That I am your aversion.

Lys.

                                        I deny it.

Cook.

And he said too, his wife was in the country.

Lys.

This is she, sirrah!—Why d'ye plague me thus?

Cook.

Because you said you did not know me.—What!

Are you afraid of Her?

Lys.

                                        And well I may;

[50]  For I have none beside.

Cook.

                                        Will you employ me?

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Lys.

No.

Cook.

                    Pay me then.

Lys.

                                        You shall be paid to-morrow.

Be gone at present.

Dor.

                                        What a wretch I am!

Lys.

'Tis an old saying, and I find a true one,

That a bad neighbour brings bad fortune with him.

[Page 145]

Cook.

Come, let's be gone!

(To Serv.)
If any harm has happen'd,
'Tis not my fault.
(To Lys.

Lys.

                                        You massacre me, villain.

Cook.

I know your mind; you'd have me gone.

Lys.

                                        I would.

Cook.

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Give me a Drachma, and I'll go.

Lys.

                                        I will.

Cook.

Order it then: it may be paid, while They

Set the provisions down.

Lys.

                                        Will you be gone?

Will you ne'er cease tormenting me?

Cook.

                                        Come then!
(To the Servants.

Lay the provisions down before the feet

Of that old gentleman.—The pots and pans
I'll send for presently, or else to-morrow.
                                        (To Lysimachus.

Follow me.

                                        (To the Servants, who lay down the provisions, and go out after him.

SCENE V.
LYSIMACHUS, DORIPPA, SYRA.

Lys.

                                        You're surpriz'd, I make no doubt,

At this Cook's bringing these provisions here.
—But I'll explain.

[Page 146]

Dor.

                                        I'm not surpriz'd at all

At any wrong or wickedness from You.
But be assur'd, I'll not endure this usage.
Fine treatment for a wife! to have your wenches

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Brought home to my own house!—Intolerable!
—Go, Syra, to my father, and intreat him
To let me see him here immediately.

Syr.

I go.

                                        [Exit.

Lys.

                                        You quite mistake the matter, wife:

I'll take whatever oath you please to frame,
That I've no business with the wench.—What now?
Is Syra gone?

                                        [Exit Dorippa.

SCENE VI.
LYSIMACHUS
alone.

                                        See there! my wife gone too!

Death and destruction!—Gods consound you, neighbour,
You, and your mistress, and intrigues together!
What foul suspicions has he thrown upon me!
Rais'd me a croud of enemies abroad,
And made a tygress of my wife at home!
I'll to the Forum, and tell Demipho,
By her own hair I'll drag his doxy forth,
Unless he takes her hence without delay.
Wife! wife, ho!
(calling to her within)
Tho' you are enrag'd with me,
Be wise, and order these provisions in,
To make our supper better by and by.

[Page 147]

SCENE VII.
Enter severally SYRA and EUTYCHUS.

Syr.

Her father, whom my mistress sent me to,

Is not at home; nay, not in town, they say:

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And I'm returning to her with this answer.

Eut.
(at a distance)

I'm tir'd of hunting the whole city through

In chace of this same girl, and all in vain.
—But sure my mother must be come to town;
For I see Syra standing at our door.
Syra!

Syr.

Who's there? who calls?

Eut.

                                        Your master, nurse.

Syr.
(turning)

What, my young master? Heav'n bless my child!

Eut.

Inform me, is my mother come to town?

Syr.

Ay, marry, is she; and by great good luck,

Both for herself, and all the family.

Eut.

Why, what's the matter then?

Syr.

                                        Your sweet papa

Has brought a wench into the house.

Eut.

                                        A wench?

Syr.

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Ay: madam came to town, and found her there.

Eut.

Aha, old gentleman! I ne'er suspected,

You were addicted to such pranks as these.
[Page 148]

Is the wench still within?

Syr.

                    Ay.

Eut.

                                        Follow me.

                                        [Exit.

SCENE VIII.
SYRA
alone.

Now, by my troth, the poor unhappy women

Are much more hardly dealt with than the men.
For if a husband brings a mistress home,
[Page 149]

Tho' the wife finds her under her own roof,

There is no law that punishes the man:
But catch her rambling with gallants abroad,
The husband truly sues for a divorce.
Would the same law held good for man and wife!
For since a wife, if she's an honest woman,
Will be contented with her husband; why,
Should not the husband also with his wife?
I would fain have fair play between them both;
And then, I warrant you, if ev'ry husband,
Prov'd a sly wencher, could but be divorc'd
As well as wanton wives, we soon should see
More widowers, than there are widows now.

                                        [Exit.

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The End of the Fourth Act.

[Page 150]

ACT V.
SCENE I.
CHARINUS
coming from home in a travelling habit.

Once more, ye sacred doors, I bid you hail,

And to that greeting join, Farewel for ever!
To-day, for the last time, I lift my foot
Over my father's threshold. From this hour
All uses and enjoyments of this house
Are gone, destroy'd, estrang'd from me for ever.
Ye houshold Deities, who guard my parents,
And shed your influence on our family,
To you I recommend their lives and fortunes.
I must seek other houshold Gods, must seek
Another city, and another country:
At Athens I abide no more. Where vice
Each day grows more and more predominant;
Where treachery and friendship are so mingled,
They cannot be distinguish'd; where all joys,
Dearest and best, are ravish'd from me; there
I would not live,—no, not to be a king.

[Page 151]

SCENE II.
Enter at a distance EUTYCHUS.

Eut.

Fortune! who seest the deeds of Gods and men,

Sole arbitress of all events on earth,
I thank thee! Thou hast rais'd me from despair.
Is there a God now happier than I?
All that I sought and wish'd for was at home.
There I found friendship, life, society,
Festivity, and joy, and jollity;
These boon companions chas'd the baleful troop
Of anger, enmity, disaster, folly,
Perverseness, sorrow, weeping, banishment,
Distress, and solitude. Oh grant, ye Gods,
I soon may find Charimus!

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Cha.
(not seeing him)

                                        I am prepar'd,
Thus furnish'd as you see. I cast away
All equipage and pomp: my own companion,
My own attendant, horse, and groom, and squire:
Master at once, and servant to myself,
I carry my own baggage.—God of love,
How absolute thy sway! for thou canst make
The coward confident, and fright the brave!

Eut.
(not seeing Cha.)

I'm thinking where to find him.

Cha.
(to himself)

                                        I'm resolv'd
To seek her over all the world. No river,
Mountain, or sea shall bar my way. I fear
[Page 152]

[25]  Nor heat, nor cold, nor wind, nor hail. Let rain
Descend in torrents, or the scorching sun
Parch me with thirst, I will endure it all.
No rest, no respite, night or day I'll take,
Till I have lost my life, or found my love.

Eut.

Whose voice is that?

Cha.

                                        And Oh ye Gods, who make

The traveller your care, protect me!

Eut.

                                        Jupiter!
Is that Charinus?

Cha.

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                                        Citizens, farewel!

Eut.

Ho! stop, Charinus!

Cha.

                    Who recalls me?

Eut.

                                        Hope,
Safety, and victory.

Cha.

                                        What would you with me?

Eut.

To keep you company.

Cha.

                                        Go seek some other.

For the companions that I have at present,
Hold me, and will not part with me.

Eut.

                                        Who are they?

Cha.

Care, misery, distraction, pain, and sorrow.

Eut.

Scurvy companions! drive them hence. Come hither.

Cha.

If you'd speak with me, follow.

Eut.

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                                        Stop, I say.

Cha.

[50]  'Tis idle to delay a man in haste.

The sun is going down.

[Page 153]

Eut.

                                        Direct your haste

This way, instead of that you now persue,
And better speed will follow it. This way
The wind is prosperous, do but shift your sail.
Here's a fair western breeze, and there the south
Heavy with rain: this spreads a peaceful calm
Over the bosom of the deep, and that
Works up the billows to a foam. This way!
Make towards the land, Charinus! Don't you see
How black the clouds are yonder, how the shower
Hangs ready to burst over you, while here
Prevails eternal sun-shine, and fair weather?

Cha.

The omens that he speaks of should deter me.

I'll turn that way.

Eut.

                                        Ay, now you're wise, Charinus.

Advance this way. Another step! another!
Stretch out your hand tow'rd mine. D'ye hold me?

Cha.

                                        Ay.

Eut.

Stay! whither are you going?

Cha.

                                        Into exile.

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Eut.

What to do there?

Cha.

                                        The same that wretches use.

Eut.

Fear nothing: I'll restore you to content,

[75]  Ere you depart.

Cha.

                                        I will depart directly.

Eut.

Attend, and I'll transport you with glad tidings.

[Page 154]

Stop! I'm your friend, and bring the best of news.

Cha.

What news?

Eut.

                    Your mistress—

Cha.

                    What of her?

Eut.

                                        I know
Where she is—

Cha.

                    Do you?

Eut.

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                    Safe and sound.

Cha.

                                        Safe! where?

Eut.

Oh, I know where.

Cha.

                                        But I had rather know.

Eut.

Can't you be quiet?

Cha.

                                        No: I'm all emotion.

Eut.

I'll make you calm and quiet, never fear.

Cha.

Nay, prithee now, inform me where you've seen her.

Not a word? Speak. You kill me with your silence.

Eut.

She's not far off.

Cha.

                                        Where? Shew me, if you see her.

Eut.

I do not see her now indeed, but saw her

A while ago.

Cha.

                    And shall I see her?

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Eut.

                                        Ay.

Cha.

[100]  The least delay is tedious to a lover.

Eut.

Still are you fearful? I'll inform you all.

I have no dearer friend on earth, than he
Who has her now in his possession; none
To whom I am more bound in love and duty.

Cha.

I don't concern myself with him, but her.

Eut.

I'll talk to you of her then: tho' indeed

I never thought of telling that at first.

[Page 155]

Cha.

Inform me, where she is then.

Eut.

                                        At our house.

Cha.

A charming house! a well-built house indeed!

Built in a happy hour! if this be true.
But how may I believe it? Have you seen her?
Or do you speak from hearsay?

Eut.

                                        I have seen her.

Cha.

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Who brought her thither?

Eut.

                                        What a silly question!

Cha.

Well, I allow it.

Eut.

                                        Don't you blush, Charinus?

What signifies who brought her—

Cha.

                                        So she's there?

Eut.

She's there, I promise you.

Cha.

                                        For this good news

Wish what you please!

Eut.

                    Suppose I do?

Cha.

[125]                                          I'll pray

The Gods to grant your wish.

Eut.

                                        Ridiculous!

Cha.

Let me but see her, all my cares are over.

—Why don't I strip this habit off?—Within there!
                                        (Calling.

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Ho! somebody come forth, and bring my cloak!

Eut.

Well done! this pleases me.

Cha.

                                        In good time, boy!

                                        (To a lad who enters.

Here, take this doublet, and this furniture.

Nay, never stir: stay there! that if these news
Prove false, I may persue my journey still.

[Page 156]

Eut.

Don't you believe me?

Cha.

                                        Most implicitly.
But, prithee, introduce me.

Eut.

                                        Stay a little!

Cha.

Why so?

Eut.

                                        It is not time to enter yet.

Cha.

You torture me.

Eut.

                                        There is no need, I say,

That you should enter now.

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Cha.

                                        And why not now?

Eut.

There's no occasion for it.

Cha.

                                        No occasion?

Eut.

'Tis inconvenient to her.

Cha.

                                        Inconvenient
[150]  To her, who loves me; whom I love so dearly?
—He trifles with me most egregiously.
Fool that I was to credit him! 'Tis all
A trick to stop me.—Give me back my doublet.

Eut.

Nay, do but hear me!

Cha.

                                        Here, boy! take this cloak!

Eut.

My mother is enrag'd against my father,

For bringing Pasicompsa to our house,
While She was in the country; and supposes
That Pasicompsa is my father's mistress.

Cha.
(not regarding him)

I've got my belt.

[Page 157]

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Eut.

                                        And she is now enquiring

The truth of that affair within.

Cha.
(still inattentive)

                                        —And sword.

Eut.

And should I introduce you now—

Cha.
(still inattentive)

                                        —And bottle.
And thus accoutred I march off.

Eut.

                                        Hold, hold!
Hark ye, Charinus!

Cha.

                                        No, no, Eutychus;

No tricks on travellers!

Eut.

                                        I mean no tricks.

Cha.

Won't you allow me to persue my journey?

Eut.

I can't allow you.

Cha.

                                        Why do I delay?
[175]  In, boy!
(Exit Boy)

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I am already in my chariot;
The reins already in my hand.

Eut.

                                        You're mad.

Cha.

Why do not I directly on to Cyprus,

Seeing my father drives me into exile?

Eut.

Nay, cease this folly!

Cha.

                                        No; I am resolv'd
Never to cease to search for her—

Eut.

                                        I tell you,

She's at our house.

Cha.

                                        For all, that he has said,

Is falshood.

Eut.

                                        Nothing but the real truth.

Cha.

I'm now arriv'd at Cyprus.

Eut.

                                        Follow me:
And you shall see the object of your wishes.

[Page 158]

Cha.

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I've enquir'd after her, but cannot find her.

Eut.

I'll not regard my mother's anger now.

Cha.

Still will I on in quest of her. I'm now

Arriv'd at Chalcis: I encounter there
My old Zacynthian host, and let him know
My errand thither; ask if he has heard
Who brought her thither, and who now detains her.

Eut.

Have done this trifling, and walk in with me.

Cha.

“Faith,” says mine host, “the figs, Sir, at Zacynthus

[200] “Are no bad figs.”

Eut.

Your host is in the right.

Cha.

“As for your mistress, I believe, I've heard

“She is at Athens.”

Eut.

He's another Chalcas.

Cha.

I go on board, set sail, and come to port.

Now I'm at home, return'd from banishment.
Ha! my friend Eutychus, are You there? Save you!
How have you been, friend? How are both my parents?
What! sup with you? I'm much oblig'd to you.
To-morrow, if you please; to-day at home:
[Page 159]

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For that's but right and decent.

Eut.

                                        You are dreaming.

The man has lost his senses.

Cha.

                                        Heal me then;
Quick! minister your medicines, like a friend.

Eut.

Follow me then.

Cha.

                    I follow.

Eut.

                                        Gently, gently!
You tread upon my heels.—But do you hear?

Cha.

I've heard too much already.

Eut.

                                        You must bring

My mother into humour with my father.
For she's enrag'd at present—

Cha.

                                        Prithee, hence!

Eut.

[225]  About the girl—

Cha.

                    Nay, hence, I say.

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Eut.

                                        So mind!

Cha.

So hence, I say! I'll render her as mild

As Juno, when she is at peace with Jove.

                                        [Exeunt.

[Page 160]

SCENE III.
DEMIPHO, LYSIMACHUS.

Dem.

As if now you yourself had ne'er been guilty

Of such a thing as this?

Lys.

                                        'Fore heaven, never.

Never, I promise you: and even now
I scarce know whether I'm alive, or dead.
My wife is so enrag'd about this wench,
She foams again.

Dem.

                                        I'll pacify your wife,

Make your excuse, and reconcile you both.

Lys.

Follow me then.—But see! my son comes, forth.

SCENE IV.
Enter EUTYCHUS.

Eut.
(to Cha. within)

I'll to my father now, and let him know

My mother is quite pacified; and then
Return immediately.

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Lys.
(listening)

                                        This promises.
Well, Eutychus?

                                        (Going up to him.

Eut.

                    Ha! well met both!

[Page 161]

Lys.

                                        What now?

Eut.

My mother is appeas'd and satisfied.

You may join hands again.

Lys.

                                        Good heav'n be prais'd!

Eut.

As for you, Demipho, I let you know

You've lost your mistress.

Dem.

                                        Plague upon your news!

What means all this?

Eut.

                                        I'll tell you. D'ye both mark me?

Lys.

Both.

Eut.

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                                        When'er men of rank are ill-dispos'd,
Their evil disposition stains that rank.

Dem.

Very true.

Lys.

                                        True indeed: but 'tis a truth

Bears hardly upon you.

                                        (To Dem.

Eut.

                                        Why that's true too.

And at your age it ill becomes you, Sir,
To ravish from your son, a youthful lover,
[25]  His newly-purchas'd mistress.

Dem.

                                        How is this?
Is Pasicompsa then Charinus' mistress?

Eut.

How the old fox dissembles!

Dem.

                                        Not at all.
My son inform'd me he had purchas'd her
To wait upon his mother.

Eut.

                                        For which reason

You purchas'd her, young lover? Eh, old boy?

[Page 162]

Lys.

Well said! Go on. I'll second you. Let's both

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Work him, as he deserves, for this!

Dem.

                                        Confusion!

Lys.
(on one side)

To use his son so ill!

Eut.
(on the other side)

                                        So scandalously!
To drive him into exile!

Dem.

                                        Is he gone?

Lys.

Peace, scarecrow! an old fellow, like yourself,

Should have done meddling with those matters.

Dem.

                                        True.
I own I've been to blame.

Eut.

                                        Peace, hatchet-face!
Your age should not admit of crimes like these:
For as the several seasons of the year
Bring with them different fruit, in human life
So have our actions their fit seasons too.
[50]  If then old men, like you, without restraint,
Pass in lasvicious wantonness their age,
Where is the safety of the publick weal?

Dem.

Alas! I'm ruin'd.

Eut.

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                                        Youth alone should follow
The trade of basket-making.

[Page 163]

Dem.

                                        Well, e'en take

Basket and basket-maker to yourselves!

Eut.

Restore them to your son: let him enjoy them.

Dem.

With all my heart: I give my full consent.

Eut.

In good time truly! now you cannot help it.

Dem.

Nay, let him ask whate'er revenge he will,

And he shall have it for this injury.
But, prithee, make my peace with him: I beg
He may not be incens'd: for had I known,
Had he inform'd me, tho' but jestingly,
She was his mistress, now by Hercules,
I never would have tried to tear her from him.
I beg you then, sweet Eutychus; intreat you;
You're his companion; lend me your assistance.
Take an old fellow under your protection,
And you shall find he will not be ungrateful.

Lys.

Ay, ay, intreat him to forgive your crimes,

And spare the follies of your youth.

                                        (ironically.

Dem.

                                        Again?

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[75] Cruel! d'ye persecute me still? I hope
A time will come I may be even with you.

Lys.

No: I gave over those pranks long ago.

Dem.

Henceforward, so will I.

Lys.

Not you. Your mind

Will soon return to its old bent again.

Dem.

Nay, prithee now, have done; or if you please,

Horsewhip me!

Lys.

Truly you deserve it richly.

And when your wife shall come to know of this,
She'll do it too.

[Page 164]

Dem.

She need not know of it.

Eut.

No, no: she shall not know of it: ne'er fear!

Let us go in! it suits not your affairs
To talk in such a publick place as this,
And make a witness of each passer-by.

Dem.

'Fore heaven, you are right: the story too

Will be the shorter; so let's in directly!

Eut.

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Your son is at our house.

Dem.

I'm glad to hear it.

We can pass thro' the garden home again.

Lys.

Hold, Eutychus, I must enquire one thing,

Ere I set foot within the house.

Eut.

What now?

Lys.

Every man looks to what concerns himself.

[100] Inform me therefore, if you're very certain
Your mother's anger is appeas'd.

Eut.

Quite certain.

Lys.

Take care!

Eut.

Depend upon't.

Lys.

I'm satisfied.
But prithee don't deceive me!

Eut.

Do you doubt me?

Lys.

Well, I believe you; yet I am afraid.

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Dem.

Come, come, let's enter!

Eut.

Hold! before we go,

Pass we the laws against old men; the laws,
By which henceforward they shall hold them bound!
“Whoever hath attain'd his sixtieth year,
“Be he or husband or old batchelor,
“And shall attempt to wanton with the wenches,
[Page 165]

“Be it decreed, we deem him impotent;

“And for his ill-timed prodigality,
“Doom him to lose the little he has left.
“Henceforth let none forbid his youthful son,
“To wench, or keep a mistress—decently;
[Page 168]

“On pain of losing more, than 'twould have cost,

“Had he indulg'd him in it!—From this night
“Be these our laws in force against old men.”
Young men, farewell! and if ye like these statutes,
[125] Enacted to make fathers dutiful,
Now ratify them with your loud applause!

Back matter

The End of the Merchant.

NOTES
1 ACAN CHA CHARINUS COOK DEM DEMIPHO DOR DORIPPA, SYRA EUT EUTYCHUS LYS LYSIM LYSIMACHUS
PAS SERV SYR SYRA

DETAILS

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