Self-love and self-confidence

1. Perception of the self

a. Allows us to become conscious of different aspects of our personality.
1. Physical and psychological traits
2. Moral qualities
3. Needs
4. Nature and resources
5. Abilities and limitations
6. Strengths and weaknesses

b. Consciousness of the self is at the origin of the affirming or demeaning judgements that
people make about themselves and about their competences.
c. As children gain their autonomy, the esteem for their personal value and their competence
comes from using themselves and their own progress as the standard of comparison.
I. Two schools of thought
a. Self-esteem for the person him or herself
b. Self for its competence

II. Self-esteem of the person

a. Recognize that I have the right to live
1. I have the right to exist
2. I am responsible for my existence
3. I am responsible for my whole body
4. I want to live, and to live in good physical condition
5. I do nothing to harm my health

b. Be conscious of being unique

1. I am valuable
2. I am unique in the world; there is no one else like me
3. I am very important
4. I respect myself and I expect others to respect me
5. I have personal dignity
6. I feel that I am worthy of appreciation
7. I am proud of myself
8. I am the best witness of what I am like on the inside (of what I see, hear, and feel there)
c. Accept all aspects of the person
1. I will try on all parts of my being just because they are mine
2. I accept the presence of my thoughts, even if I cannot always act on them
3. I will feel my emotions and feelings even if they are painful or frustrating
4. I will try to live in harmony with all aspects of my being
d. See myself as loved, and loving self
1. I am sure that I am loved and lovable
2. I am compassionate towards myself
 3. I forgive my errors and faults
4. I am my own best friend
5. I speak to myself tenderly
6. I encourage myself in difficult times.

Self-esteem for our abilities

a. Enables us to believe in our abilities to understand, to carry out our work and to
respond to the ongoing challenges in life.
 Believing the ability to learn
1. I am gifted with intellectual abilities
2. I am confident of my ability to undertake ordinary tasks and to shoulder life’s daily
challenges
3. Set realistic objectives for myself and know how to accomplish them.
 Accepting our own levels of competence without comparing ourselves to others.
1. I feel I am capable
2. I do not need to compare myself to others
3. I compare my current achievements with my past ones
4. I accept my current level of competence, even as I strive to improve
5. I dare to try new challenges
6. I transform my mistakes into sources of information for what I shouldn’t do
7. I am sure I can complete my projects
 Knowing to value ourselves after every success, no matter how small
1. I feel encouraged by my small successes
2. I set realistic objectives for myself
3. I congratulate myself on my successes
4. I see myself as succeeding
5. I have learned to overcome obstacles
 Seeking our mission and fulfilling it
1. I am convinced that I have a personal mission
2. I look for it in what I am most passionate and enthused about
3. I will be faithful to it despite obstacles and opposition from the people around me
4. I am conscious right now of having a unique vocation and of being to fulfil my role
to co-creator of the universe

Conclusion

-Those who have high self-esteem for themselves as a person, but lack confidence in their abilities, tend
not to follow through on their responsibilities and will avoid taking risks.

-Those who have developed their talents to the maximum, but have no personal self-esteem-
workaholics, perfectionists, perfect rescuers, the fanatically dutiful are equally unhealthy. Their work
and their devotion get them a lot of attention, but this will lead to the love they seek.

Both types of self-esteem – for both the person and for the competence- are necessary. The key is to
find the right balance between them, and to harmonize them properly.
 Self –esteem: A way of looking at the self, talking to the self and feeling the self

 How do I look at myself and my aptitudes – that is, what image do I have of these two
aspects of my being?
 What do I say about my person and my aptitudes? How do I speak to myself?
 What are my emotions and feelings towards my person and my aptitudes?

a. Self-esteem for the person

 What is my inner perspective on my person?
 How do I talk about myself?
 What emotions do I feel about myself?

b. Self-esteem for our aptitudes and competence

 How do I see my dreams becoming reality?
 How do I speak with myself about my potential and my successes?
 How do I feel about my aptitudes?

Acquiring self-esteem
 Parents and teachers have a noble task of helping children acquire healthy self-esteem and
become more independent at the same time.
 Educators’ actions must allow children to feel accepted in their persons, their being, their
emotions, their thoughts, and their judgments.
 To cultivate self-esteem, the school of transactional analysis places much importance on
attention and affection.
 Freely given signs of attention, such as a kind word, a gesture of hospitality or a joyful
attitude make us feel recognized, appreciated, valued – indeed, loved.
 How we speak to and listen to people can dramatically affect their self-esteem.
 Puberty and mid-life are the most significant life transitions in terms of self-esteem.
 Paying attention to their academic performance, work, initiative, and creativity nourishes a
sense of competence in children and adults alike.
 It is important to give direction and guidance in a way positive way.
 A sensitive way of giving compliments is use words that reflect the child’s joy.
 Signs of affection are not earned or deserved. They are freely given.
 Of themselves, signs of affection increase self-love, while signs of attention develop
confidence in our abilities.
Affirming the self
 Self-affirmation is part of a constant exchange with one or more listeners who react to a
message.
 Like self-esteem, self-affirmation is an art that is learned and developed.
 People who affirm themselves stand tall, have a relaxed expression and breathe calmly.
 Only we know our daily needs and our deepest aspirations.
 We develop the art of asking with practice.
 People with high self-esteem possess a whole repertoire of feelings and emotions that
they learn to express appropriately.
 The art of negotiating requires those involved to agree that the outcome will please both
parties.
 Every time we say “yes” to someone when we want to say “no,” we break faith with
ourselves.
 Conquering the fear of public speaking requires a forceful affirmation of the self.

Self-esteem and our relationships with others

 Real self-love demands that we love others
 People who do not make love of self a priority see themselves as unworthy of love.
 People with poor self-esteem also become rigidly independent, fearing every form of
dependence on others.
 Passive manipulators look like perpetual victims who have no confidence in their talents or
abilities.
 Active manipulators do not want to admit either their weaknesses or their limits.
 People who want to increase their self-esteem conquer their fear of showing who they
really are.
 The most significant social gestures are forgiveness and reconciliation.
 Healthy self-love and self-confidence are at the heart of human relationships.
Illnesses associated with low self-esteem
 It is possible to transform poor self-esteem into healthy self-esteem.
 Some people become conscious of their false self when they are with people who are truly
themselves.
 The narcissistic personality is a good example of a false self.
 Perfectionists are a good example of a lack of self-esteem.
 A subtle form of narcissism seems to be very popular: exaggerated concern with the self.
 Self- esteem has nothing to do with prided or a superiority complex.
 Self-esteem is above all the result of inner work.
 The helpless cultivate a feeling that is diametrically opposed to self-confidence.
 Man helpless people believe that their problem is inherited.
 When aggression is not recognized for what it is, it is felt as anxiety.
 Dependent people are characterized by their lack of consciousness of their own
psychological boundaries.
 In contrast with dependents and independents, people with high self-esteem have flexible
psychological boundaries.
 Through simple strategies, people can free themselves from these neuroses.
Esteeming the Self
 Self-esteem is psychological and stems from the will; esteeming the Self is spiritual and
stems from the awakening of the action of the Self.
 Moving from self-esteem to esteeming the Self is not a result of the death of the ego, but
is marked by conversion and a change of perspective.
 Psychological work and spiritual work combine willpower and grace.
 To make the move towards esteeming the Self, we must rely on strategies other than
those used to build self-esteem – we must call on the resources of the unconscious.
 The discovery of the Self’s influences on the ego can cause existential fear.
 The mourning for old securities that the self must undergo results in a strange sense of
newness, even emptiness.
 Two paths enable the Self: the negative path and the positive path.
What is the Self?
 Carl Jung’s studies led him to discover evidence of the existence of a centre of the soul, the
organizing principle of the whole person.
 The image of God in us.
 The immanent in all the physical, mental, and spiritual aspects of the human person.
 Acts as a unifying energy field that engages inner and outer worlds at the same time.
 It represents a paradox: it represents on one hand the hidden real and true being that
needs liberation and, on the other hand, the link with the universe.
 Has a living connection with nature.
The relationship between the ego and the self
 Authentically esteeming the Self can only build on solid self-esteem, that is on a self that
esteems itself highly.
 Most people misunderstand the role of the ego, seeing it as the centre of their personality
that is busy directing their lives.
 The Self permeates and influence every aspect of the ego and all its activities.
 The Self preserves a person’s identity by reorganizing and reuniting their sub-personalities,
the parts of which they are composed.
 The ego has no choice but to follow the direction of the Self it does not want to wither
away.
Looking beyond the ego to the Self
 The spiritual life consists of always exploring more deeply the inner life as it emerges.
 Meditation is the principal means of fostering the awakening of consciousness about our
inner world.
 At heart of a peak experience, people experience a feeling that is different from a simple
perception, idea or fleeting emotion.
 When we discover within ourselves an unintegrated shadow, we should abandon
ourselves to the integrating energy of the Self.
 The Self encourages us to adopt our personal mission; it inspires the dream of our soul.
 The Self will find a reconciling symbol between the complexes that destroy the unity of the
ego.
 The Self lives outside of time; it is in touch with unchanging realities, such as the creative
intelligence of the Universe.
 When people move from self-esteem to esteeming the Self, the change in their behavior is
dramatic.
 Those who esteem the Self entrust themselves to universal intelligence.
 The movement form self-esteem to esteeming the Self also means being more in
communion with the Universe – that is, being more sensitive to conserving the universe in
an ecological spirit.
 Esteeming the Self offers a broader perspective on difficult situations and problems.
 We can discover the desire for the infinite and the sacred willing up from the depths of our
being, from the Self.
Negative path for attaining the Self
 We need to become conscious for our experiences of loss, identify them, and mourn them.
 To live these losses well requires strong self-esteem.
 Grieving people who have strong self-esteem give themselves the right to live and express
all their emotions and feelings, not just certain ones.
 The role of the Self is to sustain us in the grieving process.
 The Self, the person’s deepest identity, cannot be fully grasped by the conscious self.
 Disidentification, which is a form of meditation, helps us create a certain psychological
distance from our problems and allows for greater self-mastery.
 Reintegrating the shadow is essential to the development of solid self-esteem.
 The shadow is everything that we have repressed in our unconscious because we were
afraid of being rejected by the key adults in our lives when we were young.
 If they do not work at reintegrating the shadow, people will fall prey to psychological
illnesses.
 Those who understand the necessity of reconciling themselves with their shadow will see
the momentary fear that they experience transformed into joy when their self-esteem
grows.
 From the scattered and opposing elements of the psyche, the Self creates a new internal
organization for us.
 Voluntary sacrifices are in tune with the intentions of the Self, which is constantly in
relationship with the Universe.
 As the Self intervenes, the path of detachment leads to unexpected openings and
moments of grace and creativity.

The influence of the Self: Unconditional love, wisdom, mission, and healing
 Self-love depends on the belief that we feel lovable and loved unconditionally. (p.167)
 If children receive signs of love and appreciation, they will learn to receive and integrate
them. (p. 168)
 When we allow the Self to exercise its loving influence, it evokes a radical feeling of self-
love. (p.169)
 The abandonment of the ego to the Self allows us to discover our life project in our heart’s
persistent inclinations towards a certain activity in service of others. (p.175)
 The discovery and pursuit of our mission gives us a reason to live, brings meaning to life,
and builds self-esteem and self-confidence. (p.177)
 Being loved and loving others, seeing our life through eyes of wisdom, finding our place in
the Universe through pursuing our mission, and being able to heal ourselves are essential
as we build lives of true happiness.