AWESOME RELATIONSHIPS
Lesson 6 - Dealing with triggers
and conflict.
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AWESOME RELATIONSHIPS.
Lesson 6 - Dealing with triggers and conflict
I got hammered for not seeing and hearing somebody who wasn't seeing and hearing
herself. It was just one example of it. It was actually quite funny for me because there's
times when people rant and rave and yeah, I'll get upset because it triggers something
in me, but it doesn't trigger the awareness because the awareness is the awareness.
There's something in us that is not touched by any of the drama.
But what I got left of my mental stuff that I still believe in, when that gets triggered, it
gets triggered, but in this case, I was just in such a quiet place. I was listening to it and
hearing it and the tears and the yelling. It was kind of interesting. It wasn't like
disturbing. It was interesting just to see it It's almost like a throw up like a big ball of
throw up. But it wasn't on me because you can't throw up into awareness. How do you
throw up? You can throw up in a bucket, but you can't throw up into awareness. You
can't throw up into life energy. Life energy is not affected by it.
AM: Then, what did you do when that was happening?
UE: I listened for an hour and a half. She hung up on me. After she was done, she
called me a narcissist. Then, I went home. I didn't talk to her for a little while and let her
sit with what she had done. I said little things but nothing - what we're now doing is
we're working through it. I think she's realized because I didn't get into the shit fight. I
think she realized that was her stuff. We'll see, but I don't think it's going to happen
again. We'll see. That kind of an unload because she didn't hear me much because I
didn't say much. There was really only her in the conversation. Sometimes, it's a really
good idea if you can. If you can be in that place to stay in that place.
AM: In the place of just listening.
UE: In the place of just being calm and quiet, in the place of just being aware because it
doesn't hurt me. At least, it doesn't hurt that place. What it said to me though is I don't
have triggers for that particular ball of wax in my head anymore that I need to look at. If I
did, if I reacted, then it would be something for me to look at in my own belief system.
AM: Are we always responsible for our reactions?
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UE: Perfect. Are we always responsible for our reaction? Well, if you're not, who is? I
have a friend who sleepwalks. We had a conversation of what he was explaining it. He
said to me, "I'm not responsible for what I do when I sleepwalk."
AM: That's like saying you're not responsible for when you're drunk.
UE: No. I said, "Well, then who is because you're sleepwalking?" You not be aware of it,
but you're still doing it. It's still something coming from you that gets you to climb out of
bed while you're sleeping and wander around the room. The same thing with the
reaction. If you have a reaction, well the reaction is yours. Where does that come from?
What is that in you and that's worth looking at?
AM: Do you see triggers as an opportunity?
UE: Yeah. I see triggers as an opportunity to disconnect them, but you can't do that if
you blame it on somebody else. You have to look at, "Okay. Well, just happened in
me?" You then look at it. Then, you can identify what it is you're doing, what the belief
is.
If it's bullshit, then you then you say, "That's bullshit." When you really disconnect the
trigger, you don't get triggered by that anymore. It could be that person or it could be
that particular sentence or it could be that particular word or it could be that particular
tone. There's levels of that. But when you're present to what's going on, you get the
tone. You get the word. You get the sentence. You get the person. You know what you
need to disconnect.
AM: Would you be willing to share a personal experience with triggers in relationship?
UE: I'm not shy about it, but I'm not sure I can just call it up. I think I would say that
when my ex used to yell at me for three hours and I would go into this really deep place
and I didn't even know there was a deep place like that, but it was just like I didn't know
what she was talking about. There wasn't anything she was asking for. She was just
unloading. I went into this deep place. That was disconnect.
Then, at the end of it, it'll be like, "What was that?" Then, it'd be okay for a while. Then,
it would happen again. I got to a point where I felt more comfortable sitting with it and
not running from it and listening to it and being just present for it because when I was a
kid, I would run from stuff like that. It's speaking probably because I came out of a war. I
was little. It was scary. I didn't want to - I just didn't want to be around it. I spent a lot of
time in nature by myself because not too far away from the house in case the bear
came, but not too close to home because there was always conflict in the house. I was
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at the receiving end of a fair amount of it because I was not very teachable. I was not
very compliant, I think is the right word. I've never been very compliant. I've always liked
doing what I like to do, whatever that is.
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