A paradigm is the road map we use to navigate life’s journey.
Everyone uses these road maps, and
everyone assumes the map they are using is up-to-date and accurate. Paradigms often operate at an
unconscious level, yet they determine to a large degree our attitudes and behaviors. They serve as a
filter through which we process life experiences. Data that does not fit our paradigm is screened out
and never reaches our conscious mind. Information that does fit our paradigm is magnified by the
process, adding even greater support for that particular way of believing. Paradigms, like road maps,
can be great tools for speeding us along on our journey. Unfortunately, if they are outdated or
inaccurate, they can send us in the wrong direction or fruitlessly driving around the same old
neighborhood. When this happens we often keep trying harder to find our desired destination while
feeling more and more frustrated. Even though an individual following an inaccurate or outdated
paradigm may think his behavior makes perfect sense, those around him may wonder what he could
possibly be thinking to make him act the way he does. Most paradigms are developed when we are
young, naïve, and relatively powerless. They are often based on the inaccurate interpretations of
childhood experiences. Since they are often unconscious, they are rarely evaluated or updated.
Unfortunately, these paradigms are assumed to be 100 percent accurate—even when they are not.
C h a p t e r O n e : T h e N i c e G u y S yn d r om e — 15 — The Ineffective Nice Guy Paradigm The
working paradigm of the Nice Guy is this: If I can hide my flaws and become what I think others
want me to be then I will be loved, get my needs met, and have a problem-free life Even when this
paradigm is ineffective, Nice Guys only see one alternative: try harder. Nice Guys are notoriously
slow learners and amazingly quick forgetters when their paradigms are challenged. Their inclination
is to hang on to belief systems that have proven to be consistently unworkable, yet are so
embedded in their unconscious mind that to challenge them is tantamount to heresy. It is difficult
for Nice Guys to consider doing something different, even when what they are doing isn’t working.
Jason, whose sexual difficulties with his wife, Heather, were introduced at the beginning of the
chapter, is a good example of the frustration that can result from an ineffective Nice Guy paradigm.
Jason had a controlling, perfectionist father who put unrealistic demands on Jason and his siblings.
His father believed there was one right way to do everything—his way. Jason’s mother was an
emotionally dependent woman who lived through her children. When his mother was needy, she
would smother her kids. When the children had needs, she was often too emotionally distressed to
respond. Jason learned to cope with his childhood experience by developing a paradigm that
included: Believing that if he could figure out how to do everything right, he could garner his
father’s approval and avoid his criticism. C h a p t e r O n e : T h e N i c e G u y S yn d r om e — 16 — C
h a p t e r O n e : T h e N i c e G u y S yn d r om e Believing that if he responded to his mother’s
neediness by being attentive and nurturing, she would be available to him when he had needs.
Believing that if he was never a moment’s problem, he would get love and approval. Believing
that if he hid his mistakes, no one would ever get mad at him. As a child, Jason was too naive and
powerless to realize that no matter what he did, he would never live up his father’s expectations.
Similarly, no matter how giving he was, his needy mother would never be available to nurture him.
He could not see that there really was no way to do everything right. And regardless of how well he
hid his flaws or mistakes, people might still get angry at him. Even when his childhood road map
failed to take him in the desired direction, the only option he could see was to just keep trying
harder doing more of the same. The only thing his paradigm ever really did was to create a
distraction from his feelings of fear, worthlessness, and inadequacy. In adulthood, Jason tried to
apply his childhood paradigm to his relationship with his wife. Like his mother, his wife was only
attentive when she was emotionally needy. Like his father, she could be critical and controlling. By
applying his childhood road map to his marriage—trying to do everything right, being attentive and
nurturing, never being a moment’s problem, hiding his mistakes—Jason created an illusion that he
could get his wife to approve of him all the time, be sexually available whenever he wanted, and
never get mad at him. His defective paradigm prevented him from seeing that no matter what he
did, his wife would still at times be cold, critical, and unavailable, and that maybe he needed her to
be that way. Even when his paradigm was just
