untangled

Lisa Damour, Ph.D.

Discussion Guide
INTRODUCTION

• CHANGING HOW WE TALK ABOUT TEENAGE GIRLS. What comments have people made to
you about having a teenage daughter? How have those comments colored your thoughts or
expectations about raising your girl?

• THINKING IN TERMS OF DEVELOPMENTAL STRANDS. As you read about the seven developmental
transitions introduced in Untangled, can you identify the domains in which your daughter is
thriving and the areas where she struggles or gets stuck? Which strands do you feel she has
already mastered? Which strands still seem far off in the distance?

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• GROWING APART. How have you responded to your daughter’s growing distance from you or
other members of your family? Has her withdrawal from family life felt personal or raised
questions about the motives behind her wish for increased privacy?

• STAYING CONNECTED. Are there established patterns in your family that help keep you
connected to your daughter? Have you found new ways to spend time together that don’t feel
uncomfortably childlike for your girl? Do you pick up the conversational topics your daughter
offers or do you approach her with pre-planned questions when you want to talk?

• LESS SUGAR, MORE SPICE. Has your daughter been rude or surly with you? Has she insulted or
rebuked you? How have you reacted when your daughter hurts you? How do you respond when
she’s unpleasant with other members of the family?

• 13 GOING ON 30. What has your daughter’s journey through puberty been like for her? How
about for you or your partner? How have you handled disagreements about what your daughter
should wear and how she should present herself?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Do you have reason to worry about how your daughter is managing
the work of parting with childhood? Does your daughter cling to being a little girl or, at the
other extreme, does she seem to be racing ahead toward adult behavior?

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• PUTTING FRIENDS FIRST. Has your daughter found one good friend, or a group of friends, with
whom she feels close? How does your daughter manage the conflicts in her social circle? How
can you help your daughter to be assertive – to stand up for herself while respecting the rights
of others?

• THE MORE, THE SCARIER. Do you suspect (or know) that your daughter becomes less safe
when she’s around her friends? Have you talked with her about this possibility? What steps can
you take to make sure she doesn’t have to choose between being safe and being cool in the eyes
of her friends?

• FRIENDS IN NEED. Does your daughter have a friend who looks to her for more support or
guidance than is appropriate? Have you had to help your daughter manage the strain of having
a needy friend? Have you felt that you needed to alert another adult to information about one of
your daughter’s friends? If so, how did you go about it?

• SOCIAL MEDIA. What do you know about how your daughter conducts herself in digital
environments? How closely do you monitor her digital activity? What trustworthy young people
(such as a wise cousin, beloved babysitter) might help guide or supervise your daughter online?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Do you have reason to worry about how your daughter is managing
the work of joining a new tribe? Does she have friends? Has she been involved in bullying as a
victim, bully, or both?

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• EMOTIONAL HOT POTATOES. How do you respond when your daughter complains to you about
her day? Can you identify a time when your daughter externalized one of her feelings on to you?
How did you handle that experience? Who provides you with the emotional support you deserve
as you help your daughter manage her intense feelings?

• GROUP THERAPY. Does your daughter get useful emotional support from her friends? Does she
sometimes become overly upset on behalf of her friends? How do you support your girl when
she takes on vicarious stress from others?

• BUILDING COPING SKILLS. What are your daughter’s favorite ways to help herself feel better?
How do you support her positive coping skills? To what degree does your daughter rely on
social media to help herself manage hard feelings? Do you find yourself rushing in to help your
daughter with difficulties she could manage on her own? If so, why?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Do you have reason to worry about how your daughter is managing
the work of harnessing her emotions? Does she seem stuck in an unhealthy emotional rut?
Does she use self-destructive measures to cope with her feelings?

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• QUESTIONING AUTHORITY. When did you become aware that your daughter was no longer
buying everything adults were selling? How have you handled it when she challenges your
beliefs and expectations? How do you respond when she rolls her eyes while doing what you’ve
asked her to do?

• LOOKING FOR FRICTION. What minor rules does your daughter tend to break? What does your
daughter do that rubs you the wrong way? How have you reacted to her efforts to find friction
with you? Do you use your conflicts with your daughter to build her emotional intelligence?

• ALL TOO HUMAN. How do you respond when your daughter points out your shortcomings or
those of other adults? What are your crazy spots? How do they affect your parenting? How has
being a parent helped you to grow and change?

• IT’S ABOUT SAFETY. When you talk with your daughter about rules, do you focus on the
consequences of getting caught, or the risks she might face regardless of whether an adult
finds out? Has your daughter broken a serious rule designed to keep her safe? If so, how did
you respond?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Do you have reason to worry about how your daughter is managing
the work of contending with adult authority? Is she overly compliant with all adults, including
you? Does she have difficulty getting along with any adults? Does she find herself stuck
between adults who disagree or undermine each other when it comes to rules?

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• THE PUBLIC AND PERMANENT DIGITAL WORLD. Does your daughter have a track record of
acting impulsively online? If so, how have you responded? What speed-bumps do you have
in place to help keep your daughter from exercising a gross lapse of judgment in a digital
environment?

• SCHOOLGIRLS. How does your daughter approach her schoolwork? Does she take responsibility
for her academic life, or does she need you to step in? How have you responded when your
daughter has difficulty at school?

• MEETING CHALLENGES. How does your daughter handle academic pressure around tests and
big assignments? How does your daughter react when she faces disappointment? How do you
respond when things don’t go your girl’s way?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Do you have reason to worry about how your daughter is managing
the work of planning for the future? Does her pursuit of her goals interfere with her ability to
relax and enjoy herself? Does she have meaningful plans for the future or does she seem to be
just bobbing along?

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• HELLO, ROMANCE. Does your daughter talk about the crushes in her class or share information
about her love life with you? How have you responded when the topic of romance comes up?

• WEIGHING IN. How do you encourage your daughter to focus on getting what she wants out of
romance? How do you help your daughter to articulate for herself and her partners what she
does and doesn’t want to have happen when it comes to her love life? What steps can you take
to shield your girl from the sexism or misogyny she will confront?

• SLUT SHAMING. How does your daughter talk about girls who are sexually active? How do you
feel about teenage girls becoming sexually active? Can you transmit your values while helping
your daughter question sexual double standards?

• LGBTQ. How does your daughter talk about teens who are LGBTQ? Do you think, or know, that
your daughter is LGBTQ? If so, how have you responded to your daughter’s sexual orientation or
gender identity, both when you are at home and when you are out in the world?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Do you have reason to worry about how your daughter is managing
the work of entering the romantic world? Does your daughter rely on her allure to feel good
about herself? Does she take a romantic interest in boys who are more than a year older than
she is?

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• THE VEIL OF OBEDIENCE. Can you recognize when your daughter is only pretending to listen to
you? Can you identify what gets her to don her veil of obedience and what you can do get her to
come out from behind it?

• EATING AND SLEEPING. Does your daughter have a healthy relationship with food? Do you talk
with your daughter about her eating in a way that puts her self-care first? Does your daughter’s
digital technology interfere with her sleep? Can you count on your daughter to take steps to get
enough sleep?

• DRINKING AND DRUGS. Do you have open lines of communication with your daughter about the
place of alcohol and drugs in her social circle? Can you speak frankly with her about the risks
that come with drinking and drugs? Do you talk with your girl about how she will keep herself
safe when faced with peer pressure to engage in dangerous behavior?

• LET’S TALK ABOUT SEX. Have you talked with your daughter about the values you hold
regarding sexual activity? Are you comfortable discussing the elements of a safe and healthy
sex life? Do you feel that your daughter can come to you as a trusted resource regarding sex?

• GROUNDS FOR CONCERN. Do you have reason to worry about how your daughter is managing
the work of caring for herself? Does your daughter diet excessively or take measures to get rid
of calories she has already consumed? When it comes time for your daughter to leave home, do
you think she will be ready to care for herself?

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• IT’S NOT ABOUT YOU. Are there times when you have taken your daughter’s teenage behavior
personally? Have there been moments when she hurt you on purpose? If so, why do you think
she did that? Have there been times when you have been hurt even though that was not her
intention?

• NOW, ABOUT YOU. How has raising a teenage girl helped you to grow or change? What hopes
and worries do you have for your daughter as she becomes an adult? What are the best parts,
for you, about being the parent of a teenage girl?

untangled | DISCUSSION GUIDE DrLisaDamour.com