A beautiful woman walks into a bar.

"What'll it be?" asks the bartender. "I'll have a double entendre," she said...
So he gave her one

When a man is twenty, he loves every woman.

When he's thirty, he loves just one.
When he's forty, he loves them all except that one

People sometimes mock me for having amnesia

It’s okay. My motto is forget about it and move on.

5 ants rented and apartment with another 5 ants

Now they're tenants

A desperate looking woman stood poised on the edge of a cliff, about to jump off.
An old homeless man who was wandering by stopped and said
"Look since you'll be dead in a few minutes, and it won't matter to you, how about a quickie before
you go?"
She screamed "NO! Fuck off you filthy old bastard"
He shrugged and turned away saying "OK then, I'll just wait at the bottom"

Have you ever been guilty of looking at others your own age and thinking, "surely I can't look that
old.".?
"My name is Claire.. I was sitting in the waiting room for my first appointment with a new dentist.
I noticed his degree on the wall, which bore his full name.
Suddenly, I remembered a tall , handsome, dark-haired boy with the same name had been in my
high school some 25-odd years ago.
Could he be the same guy that I had a secret crush on, way back then?
Upon seeing him, however, I quickly discarded any such thought.
This balding, gray-haired man with the deeply lined face was way too old to have been my
classmate.
After he examined my teeth, I asked him if he had attended the same school as mine..
"Yes. yes, I did.' he gleamed with pride.
"When did you graduate?" I asked.
He answered, "In 1987. Why do you ask?"
"You were in my class!!!!", I happily exclaimed.
He looked at me closely.
Then, that ugly, old, bald, wrinkled faced, gray-haired, decrepit, idiot, asked,
"What subject did you teach" ?"
I had five hundred Hershey Bars in my fridge and my friend had one in his. I pressured him into
giving his to a homeless person. That's basically how celebrity charity appeals work.
A woman is flirting with a Russian man at a bar(a joke)
She says, "Hi, handsome, what do you do for a living?"
The Russian replies, "I work for KGB."
"Cool, tell me an interesting story!"
"About me or about you?"

How do you identify the gender of an ant?

(1) Place it in water. (2) If it sinks: girl ant (3) If it floats...

A guy was boarding a plane when he heard that the Pope was on the same flight. "This is exciting!"
thought the gentleman. "I've always been a big fan of the Pope. Perhaps I'll be able to see him in
person.” Suddenly, the man realized his seat was right next to the Pope himself!
Religion
Still, the gentleman was too shy to speak to His Holiness.
Shortly after take-off, the Pope took a crossword puzzle out of his carry on bag and began penciling
in the answers.
"This is fantastic!" the gentleman mused. "I'm really good at crosswords!"
It crossed his mind that if the Pope got stuck, he’d ask him for assistance.
Almost as if providence struck, the Pope turned to the man and said, "Excuse me, but do you know a
four letter word referring to a woman that ends in 'unt'?"
The three Cardinals behind, in front of and beside him shrunk down in their seats, as far as possible,
all looking for something on the floor.
The gentleman was in morbid shock.
He couldn’t breathe.
He went within himself, thought deeper, longer for a plausible answer and after almost a minute,
the dark clouds of evil parted in his mind and the sun shone in.
Turning to the Pope, the gentleman said with reverence and politeness, "I believe, Your Holiness,
that you're looking for the word, 'aunt.'"
"Of course!" the Pope mused, not taking his gaze off the crossword. "You wouldn’t happen to have
an eraser, would you?"

Once upon a time in a village, a man appeared and announced to the villagers that he would buy
monkeys for $10 each...
The villagers, seeing that there were many monkeys around, went out to the forest and started
catching them.
The man bought thousands at $10 and as supply started to diminish, the villagers stopped their
effort. He further announced that he would now buy at $20. This renewed the efforts of the villagers
and they started catching monkeys again.
Soon the supply diminished even further and people started going back to their farms. The offer
increased to $25 each and the supply of monkeys became so little that it was an effort to even see a
monkey, let alone catch it!
The man now announced that he would buy monkeys at $50! However, since he had to go to the city
on some business, his assistant would now buy on behalf of him.
In the absence of the man, the assistant told the villagers; "Look at all these monkeys in the big cage
that the man has collected. I will sell them to you at $35 and when the man returns from the city,
you can sell them to him for $50 each."
The villagers rounded up with all their savings and bought all the monkeys.
They never saw the man nor his assistant, only monkeys everywhere!
Now you have a better understanding of how the cryptocurrency market works.
My wife is brilliant. She never says no to a shag, has great tits and even swallows.
But her bird collecting has gone far enough now.

i sexually identify as a donkey

my pronouns are he/haw

I have daily sex

Edit: I have dyslexia

My wife earns quite well from her internet porn site.

Mind you, she doesn’t know about it yet.

What did the horny frog say? Rubbit.

A man gets on a bus and ends up sitting next to a very attractive nun. Enamored with her, he asks if
he can have sex with her. Naturally, she says no, and gets off the bus. The man goes to the bus driver
and asks him if he knows of a way for him to have sex with the nun.
"Well," says the bus driver, "every night at 8 o'clock, she goes to the cemetery to pray. If you dress
up as God, I'm sure you could convince her to have sex with you."
The man decides to try it and dresses up in his best God costume. At eight, he sees the nun and
appears before her.
"Oh, God!" she exclaims. "Take me with you!"
The man tells the nun that she must first have sex with him to prove her loyalty. The nun says yes,
but tells him she prefers anal sex. Before you know it, they're getting down to it, having nasty,
grunty, loud sex.
After it's over, the man pulls off his God disguise. "Ha, ha!" he says, "I'm the man from the bus!"
"Ha, ha!" says the nun, removing her costume, "I'm the bus driver!"

My girlfriend dressed up as a policewoman and told me I was under arrest on suspicion of being
good in bed. After 2 minutes all charges were dropped due to a lack of evidence.

What is the difference between a literalist and a kleptomaniac?

A comma. A literalist takes everything literally. A kleptomaniac takes everything, literally.

The Bible tells us to love each other.

The Kama Sutra is a little more specific.
A man loses his penis in an industrial accident
Through the wonders of modern medicine, plastic surgeons are able to reconstruct his penis using
tissue from an elephant’s trunk. After a full year of recovery and therapy, he’s finally cleared to use
his new penis
So he takes his beautiful girlfriend out for a nice meal at a fancy restaurant. He’s wearing his best
suit and she’s wearing a slinky black dress that tastefully shows off her cleavage.
As they’re sitting there chatting and enjoying their meal, he has a horrific pain below his belt. He
tries to change positions, shift around, nothing works. Finally, in desperation, he reaches down and
unzips his fly. Suddenly, his penis snakes up onto the table, grabs a potato off his plate, and
disappears back beneath the table.
His girlfriend stares at him in shocked silence before finally saying “Wow, that’s a cool trick, can you
do it again?
He says “I don’t think I can fit another potato up my ass.”

99% of the world is illiterate.

The other half can't do math.

So I stopped a woman from getting molested today

It took a lot of self-control though

An ugly man is sitting alone in a bar when suddenly a beautiful woman approaches him.
The woman asks the man, "How would you like to get out of here?"
The man is stunned as he never thought a woman like her would ever approach him so he agrees.
They both get into his car and drive out past the edge of town. He stops at a cliff with the view of the
whole city.
Within seconds they start taking off their clothes. After 15 minutes of vigorous sex they finally finish.
They both put their clothes on and they both just sit there awkwardly.
The woman speaks up and says, "I'm a prostitute and its going to be $100 for my service."
The man is stunned and saddened that she didn't really like him.
He gives her the money and they both sit there awkwardly.
The woman tells him that she is ready to leave now.
The man replies, "I'm a taxi driver and its going to be $150 for the ride here and back."

A woman gets on a bus with her baby. The bus driver says, "That's the ugliest baby that I've ever
seen. Ugh!" The woman goes to the rear of the bus and sits down, fuming. She says to a man next to
her, "The driver just insulted me!" The man says, "You go right up there and tell him off – go ahead,
I'll hold your monkey for you."

My step-sister walked into my room one day and she says, "Hey, big brother... take off my shirt."
So I took off her shirt.
Then she says, "Take off my skirt..."
So I took off her skirt.
Then she says, "Take off my bra and panties..."
So I took off her bra and panties.
Then she says, "If I ever catch you wearing my clothes again, I'm telling mom and dad!"
My 7 year old nephew showed me with pride the "telephone" he had just made from a string and
two tin cans. I pulled out my iPhone and said, "That's nice, but..."
"Look at what kids your age make in China!"

A woman has to go to Italy for a conference, so her husband drives her to the airport.
“Thank you honey,” she says, “Is there anything I can bring back for you?”
He laughs, and says, “An Italian girl!”
When the conference is over, he meets her up at the airport and asks, “How was the trip?”
“Very good,” she replies.
“And what happened to my present?”
“Which present?” she asks.
“The one I asked for - an Italian girl!”
“Oh, that. I did what I could. We’ll just have to wait 9 months to see if it’s a girl.”

My husband and son getting competitive while playing games.

Husband said" I fucked your mom"
to which the son replied" I have been deeper inside her than you'll ever be"

One day - a woman decides to save up money and get a facelift for herself
On her way home she stopped at a shop to look around. As she was leaving, she said to the clerk, "I
hope you don't mind me asking, but how old do you think I am?"
"About 35," he replied.
"I'm actually 47," the woman said, feeling really happy. After that she went into McDonald's for
lunch and asked the cashier the same question.
He replied, "Oh, you look about 29."
"I am actually 47!" she said, feeling high on her happiness.
Later, while standing at the bus stop she asked an old man the same question.
He replied, "I am 85 years old and my eyesight is going. But when I was young there was a sure way
of telling a woman's age. If I put my hand up your skirt I will be able to tell your exact age."
There was no one around, so the woman said, "What the hell?" and let him slip his hand up her skirt.
After feeling around for a while, the old man said, "OK, You are 47."
Stunned, the woman said, "That was brilliant! How did you do that?"
The old man replied, "I was behind you in line at McDonald's."

I like to imagine that the guy who invented the umbrella was going to call it the brella.
But he hesitated.

A woman who lived next door to a preacher was puzzled by his personality change.At home he was
shy, quiet and retiring, but in the church he was a real fire orator, rousing the masses in the name of
God. It was as if he were two different people.
One day she asked him about the dramatic transformation that came over him when he preached.
“Ah,” he said, “That’s my altar ego.”
My wife said "you aren’t even listening to me are you"
That's a weird way to start a conversation

My wife is pregnant with a boy and i want to call him Lance

My wife said its such an uncommon name.
So i told her back in medievil days people were called Lance a lot

News: "Boy George's reptile bites on average 5 people each day."

He needs a calmer chameleon.

“Dad, how comes my sister is called Teresa?"

"Because your mum loves Easter and it's an anagram of Easter"
"Thanks Dad"
"No problem Alan"

My wife said she was leaving me because of my obsession with The Monkees, I thought she was
joking. And then I saw her face...

Took the shell off my racing snail this weekend. Thought it might speed him up. If anything, it made
him more sluggish.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time. She said 'sorry about the wait.' I said, 'Don't worry,
you'll find a way to lose it eventually '

American journalist goes to Afghanistan in 2000. Everywhere he goes he sees men walking ten feet
in front of women. He asks an Afghani guy about it, the guy responds, "This is our culture, where
men are superior to women, and that is why they must walk behind us." Journalist shrugs and goes
back to US.
Five years later, in 2005, same journalist goes back to Afghanistan. Everywhere he goes he now sees
women walking ten feet IN FRONT of men. Journalist gets really excited, goes to talk to an Afghani
guy. "This is an amazing cultural shift, and step toward gender equality!" journalist says. "What
prompted this change?"
Afghani guy shrugs. "Landmines"

“A bloke calls in sick. His boss asks “How sick are you?” The bloke says “Well, I’m shagging my 13
year old daughter at the moment.””

“Never forget that the majority of people involved in gang-rape view it as a positive experience.”

A paedophile and an eight year old boy are walking in the forest at dusk.
Eight year old: “It's getting darker, I’m scared!”
Paedophile: “You’re scared? What about me? I have to walk out of here alone!”

Two priests are out driving one day when they get pulled over by a police officer. The cop
approaches the priests vehicle and says to the driver “Sorry to pull you over father, but we’re looking
for a couple of child molesters”. The two priests look at each other for a few moments and have a
few quiet words to each other. The driver turns back to the cop and says— “Alright officer, we’ll do
it”

An old couple are vacationing in Israel…

The wife dies quietly in her sleep, the next day the man goes to the grave digger to make the
necessary arrangements.
The grave digger says “I can bury her here for $500 or have her shipped back home with you for
$1000.”
The man briefly considers his options and opts for her to be shipped home.
The grave digger is stunned “Why pay so much to have her sent back when she could be buried in
the Holy Land?”
The man gets very close and whispers “A long time ago a man was buried here and three days later
he came back, I can’t take that chance with her.”

After days of driving, a trucker walks into an empty small-town diner and sees three signs above the
counter.
The first reads “Hamburger: $5,” the second reads “Cheeseburger: $6,” and the third reads “Hand
job: $10.” As the man approached, a beautiful young woman dressed in an apron came out from the
kitchen and asked coyly, “What can I do for you, hon?”
“Are you the one who gives the hand jobs?” asked the trucker.
“Why yes,” answered the woman with a knowing smile. “Yes I am.”
“Well then go wash your fucking hands, because I want a cheeseburger.”

A man wakes up one morning to find a gorilla on his roof.

So he looks up the yellow pages and sure enough, there’s an ad for “Gorilla Removers.” He calls the
number, and the gorilla remover says he’ll be there in 30 minutes.
The gorilla remover arrives and gets out of his van. He’s got a ladder, a baseball bat, a shotgun and a
huge, ferocious looking dog.
“What are you going to do?” the homeowner asks.
“I’m going to put up this ladder against the roof, then I’m going to go up there and knock the gorilla
off the roof with the bat. When the gorilla falls off, the dog is trained to grab the gorilla’s testicles
and squeeze. The gorilla will be subdued enough for me to lock him in the cage in the back of the
van,” says the gorilla remover and hands him the shotgun.
“What’s the shotgun for?”, asks the homeowner.
“If the gorilla knocks ME off the roof, shoot the dog.”

Lindsay Lohan got her blouse dirty and had to take it to the dry cleaners. She says “I need to get this
cleaned” to the man behind the counter. The man who was hard of hearing replies “come again?”
Lindsay responds “No, mustard.”
When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk
was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where
Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest
bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.
Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.
When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes,
that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”
He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most
puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening; “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”
Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate; he stood up and
announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to
worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

My wife asked me what I was doing today. I said “nothing.” She said, “You did that yesterday.” I
replied, “I wasn’t finished.”

A man runs into the Kremlin yelling, “The Premiere is an idiot; the Premiere is an idiot.” The man was
immediately arrested by the KGB and sentenced to 23 years in prison. 3 years for insulting a high
ranking member of the party and 20 years for divulging a state secret.

On Halloween, a man shows up to his friend’s costume party in the nude carrying a woman on his
back. His friend answers the door and shockingly asks, “What are you supposed to be?!”
The man says, “I’m a snail.”
With an obvious look of disdain on his face, his friend asks, “Well, who is she?”
The man answers, “Michelle.”

When you drink vodka over ice, it can give you kidney failure. When you drink rum over ice, it can
give you liver failure. When you drink whiskey over ice, it can give you heart problems. When you
drink gin over ice, it can give you brain problems.
Apparently, ice is really bad for you. Warn all your friends.

A teenager sits next to an old man on a bench and the old man will not stop staring at him. The kid
had a long, spiky mohawk that was different colours. His arms and neck were covered in tattoos, and
multiple piercings in his nostrils and ears.
Finally, the kid, sick of the old man staring at him says, “What’s the matter old man? Ain’t you never
done anything crazy in your life?”
Without missing a beat the old man replies, “When I was young I got drunk and had sex with a
peacock once – I was wondering if you were my son.”

A boy said, “Dad, I just heard that in some countries, the groom does not even know his bride until
after he is married.”
His dad replied, “That is true in all countries.”

During a fight, the husband yells, “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, ‘Here Lies
My Wife: Cold As Ever!”
“Oh yeah?” retorts the wife. “When you die, I’m getting you a headstone that reads, “Here Lies My
Husband Stiff At Last.'”

How do you get a fly out of the kitchen?

Shit in the living room.

What’s the difference between 3 dicks and a joke?

Your mom can’t take a joke.

A little boy went running into his grandfather’s hospital room.

Excited, he shrieked, “Grandpa! Make a noise like a frog!”
The grandpa replies, “Why?”
Still excited, the little boy replies, “Because Grandma says that as soon as you croak, we’re going to
Disneyland!”

A woman brings eight-year-old Johnny home and tells his mother that he was caught playing doctors
and nurses with Mary, her eight-year-old daughter.
Johnny’s mother says, “Let’s not be too harsh on them…they are bound to be curious about sex at
that age.”
“Curious about sex?” replies Mary’s mother. “He’s taken her fucking appendix out!”

I threw a boomerang a few years ago. I now live in constant fear.

You don’t need a parachute to go skydiving. You need a parachute to go skydiving twice

What do you call a cheap circumcision? A rip-off

My teacher accused me of plagiarism. His words, not mine.

What do you get when you cross the Atlantic with the Titanic? About half way.

A man in New York gets stabbed every 52 seconds. Poor bastard..

I, for one, like Roman numerals.

Why does a chicken coop have two doors? Because if it had four doors it would be a chicken sedan.

Working in a mirror factory is something I can totally see myself doing.

There is no “i” in denial

I broke my finger last week. On the other hand, I’m okay.

You’re not completely useless, you can always serve as a bad example.
What’s the difference between a well-dressed man on a bike and a poorly dressed man on a
unicycle? Attire.

You can never lose a homing pigeon – if your homing pigeon doesn’t come back, what you’ve lost is
a pigeon.

I didn’t believe my dad was a construction site thief until I got home. All the signs were there.

And The Lord said come forth and receive eternal life. But john came fifth and won a toaster.

I have a stepladder, because my real ladder left when I was a kid.

Which came first, the chicken or the egg? Neither, the rooster did

Two young businessmen in Colorado were sitting down for a break in their soon-to-be new store in
the shopping mall. As yet, the store's merchandise wasn't in -- only a few shelves and display racks
set up. One said to the other, "I'll bet that any minute now some senior is going to walk by, put his
face to the window, and ask what we're selling." Sure enough, just a moment later, a curious senior
gentleman walked up to the window, looked around intensely and rapped on the glass, then in a
loud voice asked, "What are you selling here?" One of the men replied sarcastically, "We're selling
ass-holes." Without skipping a beat, the old timer said, "You must be doing well. Only two left."

Two golfers were coming up to their second shot on the fairway, which was a dogleg to the right. On
the direct line between the younger golfer and the green was a good size tree. It looked like he'd
have to waste a shot, hitting straight ahead to where the fairway bent to the right and then another
shot to get to the green.
His partner, an older man, said to him, "When I was your age, I'd take a four wood and hit right over
that tree, straight to the green."
The young golfer looked at his situation once again, then selected his four wood and lined up a shot
over the tree right to the green. He swung, connected, and the ball flew up right into the branches of
the tree and then dropped into the rough.
"Of course," the older golfer said, "when I was your age, that tree was a lot shorter."

A man received the following text from his neighbour:

“I am so sorry Bob. I've been riddled with guilt and I have to confess. I have been helping myself to
your wife, day and night when you're not around. In fact, more than you. I do not get it at home, but
that's no excuse. I can no longer live with the guilt and I hope you will accept my sincerest apology
with my promise that it won't, ever happen again.”
The man, anguished and betrayed, went into his bedroom, grabbed his gun, and without a word,
shot his wife.
A few moments later, a second text came in: Bloody auto spell! I meant "wifi”, not "wife"

A good looking man walked into an agent's office in Hollywood and said "I want to be a movie star".
Tall, handsome and with experience on Broadway, he had the right credentials.
The agent asked, "What's your name"?
The guy said, "My name is Penis van Lesbian".
The agent said, "Sir, I hate to tell you, but in order to get into Hollywood, you are going to have to
change your name".
"I will NOT change my name! The van Lesbian name is centuries old, I will not disrespect my
grandfather by changing my name Not ever."
The agent said, "Sir, I have worked in Hollywood for years....you will NEVER go far in Hollywood with
a name like Penis van Lesbian! I'm telling you, you will HAVE TO change your name or I will not be
able to represent you"..
"So be it! I guess we will not do business together" the guy said and he left the agent's office.
FIVE YEARS LATER.. The agent opens an envelope sent to his office.
Inside the envelope is a letter and a check for $50,000. The agent is awe-struck, who would possibly
send him $ 50,000? He reads the letter enclosed...

Dear Sir, Five years ago, I came into your office wanting to become an actor in Hollywood , you told
me I needed to change my name. Determined to make it with my God-given birth name, I refused.
You told me I would never make it in Hollywood with a name like Penis van Lesbian. After I left your
office, I thought about what you said. I decided you were right. I had to change my name. I had too
much pride to return to your office, so I signed with another agent. I would never have made it
without changing my name, so the enclosed check is a token of my appreciation. Thank you for your
advice.
Sincerely,
Dick van Dyke

An elderly man in Northern Australia had owned a large farm for many years. He had a large pond in
the back which was properly shaped for swimming, so he had fixed it up nice with picnic tables,
horseshoe courts, and some apple and peach trees. One evening the old farmer decided to go down
to the pond as he hadn't been there for a while and it was fruit picking season. He grabbed a twenty
litre bucket to bring back some of the fruit. As he neared the pond, he heard voices shouting and
laughing with glee.
As he came closer, he saw it was a bunch of young women skinny-dipping in his pond. He made the
women aware of his presence and they all went to the deep end.
One of the women shouted to him, 'we're not coming out until you leave!'
The old man frowned, 'I didn't come down here to watch you ladies swim naked or make you get out
of the pond naked.'
Then holding up the bucket, 'I'm here to feed the crocodile...'
Some men may be old but can think fast!

I gave the postman a bit of a shock today by going to the door completely naked. I’m not sure what
scared him most: my naked body or the fact that I know where he lives.

A man walks into a bank and says to the woman at the teller window "I want to open a fucking
checking account."
The astonished woman replies, "I beg your pardon, sir. I must have misunderstood you. What did
you say?"
"Listen up, dammit. I said I want to open a fucking checking account now!"
"I'm very sorry sir, but that kind of language is not tolerated in this bank."
The teller leaves the window and goes over to the bank manager to inform him of her situation. The
manager agrees that the teller does not have to listen to that foul language.
They both return to the window and the manager asks the old geezer, "Sir, what seems to be the
problem here?"
"There is no fucking problem," the man says. "I just won 50 million bucks in the fucking lottery and I
want to open a fucking checking account in this fucking bank."
"I see," says the manager, "and is this fucking bitch giving you a hard time?"

I was walking past the mental hospital the other day and I could hear all the patients in the grounds
shouting '13........13.......13....'
I wondered what was going on but the fence was too tall to see over. I saw a little hole between 2
planks and peeked through to see what was going on.
Some idiot poked me in the eye with a stick and then they all started laughing and singing
'14.......14.......14....'

A father passing by his son's bedroom was astonished to see the bed was nicely made and
everything was picked up. Then, he saw an envelope, propped up prominently on the pillow. It was
addressed, 'Dad'. With the worst premonition, he opened the envelope and read the letter, with
trembling hands.
Dear, Dad. It is with great regret and sorrow that I'm writing you. I had to elope with my new
girlfriend, because I wanted to avoid a scene with Mum and you.
I've been finding real passion with Stacy. She is so nice, but I knew you would not approve of her
because of all her piercings, tattoos, her tight Motorcycle clothes, and because she is so much older
than I am.
But it's not only the passion, Dad. She's pregnant. Stacy said that we will be very happy. She owns a
trailer in the woods, and has a stack of firewood for the whole winter. We share a dream of having
many more children.
Stacy has opened my eyes to the fact that marijuana doesn't really hurt anyone. We'll be growing it
for ourselves and trading it with the other people in the commune for all the cocaine and ecstasy we
want.
Don't worry Dad, I'm 15, and I know how to take care of myself. Someday, I'm sure we'll be back to
visit so you can get to know your many grandchildren.
Love, your son, Joshua.
P.S . Dad, none of the above is true. I'm over at Jason's house. I just wanted to remind you that there
are worse things in life than the school report that's on the kitchen table. Call when it is safe for me
to come home!

One morning at a doctor's clinic, a patient arrives complaining of serious back pain.
The doctor examines him and asks, "Tell me, what happened to your back?"
The patient replies, "Sir, I work for a local night club. This morning, I went to my apartment early and
heard some noise in my bed room. On entering I knew someone had been with my wife and the
balcony door was opened.
I rushed out of the balcony door and did not find anyone. As I looked down from the balcony, I saw a
man running out and he was dressing himself. I was very angry. I grabbed the fridge and threw it at
him. It was very heavy. That was how I strained my back."
Later that day, a second patient arrives and he appears he had been in a car wreck. The doctor said,
"My previous patient looked bad, but you look
terrible! What the hell happened to you?"
He replied, "You know I have been unemployed for a while now. Today was the first day at my new
job. I forgot to set my alarm and I was late. I was running out of the building, getting dressed at the
same time, and you won't believe it! I was hit by a fridge! I don't know how the fridge fell on me, or
where it came from!"
Before closing hours, the third patient came in. He looks like he was punished in hell. The doctor is
shocked. He asked, "What in the hell happened to you?!"
The patient replies, "Well, It started like this;
"I was in a fridge..."

An American businessman was at the pier of a small coastal Mexican village when a small boat with
just one fisherman docked. Inside the small boat were several large yellowfin tuna. The American
complimented the Mexican on the quality of his fish and asked how long it took to catch them. The
Mexican replied, that it only took a little while. The American then asked why didn't he stay out
longer and catch more fish. The Mexican said he had enough to support his family's immediate
needs.
The American then asked, "But what do you do with the rest of your time?"
The Mexican fisherman said, "I sleep late, fish a little, play with my children, take siesta with my wife
Maria, stroll into the village each evening where I sip wine and play guitar with my amigos. I have a
full and busy life, señor."
The American scoffed. "I am a Wharton MBA and could help you. You should spend more time
fishing and with the proceeds, buy a bigger boat. With the proceeds from the bigger boat you could
buy several boats. Eventually you would have a fleet of fishing boats. Instead of selling your catch to
a middleman you would sell directly to the processor, eventually opening your own cannery. You
would control the product, processing and distribution. You would need to leave this small coastal
fishing village and move to Mexico City, then LA and eventually NYC where you will run your
expanding enterprise."
The Mexican fisherman asked, "But señor, how long will this all take?"
To which the American replied, "Fifteen or twenty years."
"But what then, señor?"
The American laughed and said, "That's the best part. When the time is right you would announce an
IPO and sell your company stock to the public and become very rich, you would make millions."
"Millions, señor? Then what?"
The American said, "Then you would retire. Move to a small coastal fishing village where you would
sleep late, fish a little, play with your kids, take siesta with your wife, stroll to the village in the
evenings where you could sip wine and play your guitar with your amigos."

One day while walking down the street a highly successful Human Resources Manager was tragically
hit by a bus and she died. Her soul arrived up in heaven where she met St. Peter himself.
"Welcome to Heaven," said St. Peter. "Before you get settled in though, it seems we have a problem.
You see, strangely enough, we've never once had a Human Resources Manager make it this far and
we're not really sure what to do with you."
"No problem, just let me in," said the woman.
"Well, I'd like to, but I have higher orders. What we're going to do is let you have a day in Hell and a
day in Heaven and then you can choose whichever one you want to spend an eternity in."
"Actually, I think I've made up my mind, I prefer to stay in Heaven", said the woman
"Sorry, we have rules..."
And with that St. Peter put the executive in an elevator and it went down-down-down to hell.
The doors opened and she found herself stepping out onto the putting green of a beautiful golf
course. In the distance was a country club and standing in front of her were all her friends - fellow
executives that she had worked with and they were well dressed in evening gowns and cheering for
her. They ran up and kissed her on both cheeks and they talked about old times. They played an
excellent round of golf and at night went to the country club where she enjoyed an excellent steak
and lobster dinner.
She met the Devil who was actually a really nice guy (kind of cute) and she had a great time telling
jokes and dancing. She was having such a good time that before she knew it, it was time to leave.
Everybody shook her hand and waved goodbye as she got on the elevator.
The elevator went up-up-up and opened back up at the Pearly Gates and found St. Peter waiting for
her.
"Now it's time to spend a day in heaven," he said. So she spent the next 24 hours lounging around on
clouds and playing the harp and singing. She had great time and before she knew it her 24 hours
were up and St. Peter came and got her.
"So, you've spent a day in hell and you've spent a day in heaven. Now you must choose your
eternity,"
The woman paused for a second and then replied, "Well, I never thought I'd say this, I mean, Heaven
has been really great and all, but I think I had a better time in Hell."
So St. Peter escorted her to the elevator and again she went down-down-down back to Hell.
When the doors of the elevator opened she found herself standing in a desolate wasteland covered
in garbage and filth. She saw her friends were dressed in rags and were picking up the garbage and
putting it in sacks.
The Devil came up to her and put his arm around her.
"I don't understand," stammered the woman, "yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and
a country club and we ate lobster and we danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland
of garbage and all my friends look miserable."
The Devil looked at her smiled and said
"Yesterday we were recruiting you, today you're an Employee"

A city boy, Raju, moved to the country and bought a donkey from an old farmer for Rs 100.00. The
farmer agreed to deliver the donkey the next day.
The next day the farmer drove up and said, "Sorry son, but I have some bad news, the donkey died
last night."
Raju replied: "Well then, just give me my money back."
The farmer said: "Can't do that. I went and spent it already."
Raju said: "OK then, just unload the donkey.."
The farmer asked: "What ya gonna do with him?"
Raju: "I'm going to raffle him off." (Note: To raffle is to sell a thing by lottery - draw lot - to a group of
people each paying the same amount for a ticket)
Farmer: "You can't raffle off a dead donkey!"
Raju: "Sure I can. Watch me. I just won't tell anybody he's dead."
A month later the farmer met up with Raju and asked, "What happened with that dead donkey?"
Raju: "I raffled him off. I sold 500 tickets at two rupees a piece and made a profit of Rs. 898.00."
Farmer: "Didn't anyone complain?"
Raju: "Just the guy who won. So I gave him back his two rupees."

A guy gets a call from the police telling him his house was robbed. The offender had also consumed
all of his beer and had raped his wife. A moment of silence passes and the guy says, "I can't believe
they fucked my wife after only five cans!"

"My missus kicked me out after she caught me measuring my cock. It just reaches the back of her
sister's throat!"

I was shagging this Sheila over her kitchen table when we heard the front door open. She said, "It's
my husband! Quick, try the back door!" Thinking back, I really should have legged it - but you don't
get offers like that every day.

Sorry for not calling you on New Year’s, I just got out of jail. I got locked up for punching this bloke at
a party. In my defence... When you hear an Arab counting down from 10, your instincts kick in.

I saw a fortune teller the other day. She told me I would come into some money. Last night I shagged
a girl called Penny - spooky or what?

The missus asked me, "When you're on a boy's only trip away, do you think about me?" Apparently
"Only to stop myself coming too quickly" wasn't the right answer.

My wife is pissed off with me again. I crept into the bedroom last night and swapped her tampon for
a party popper. She has no sense of humour.

10 Catholic Priests were killed in a road accident. At the Pearly Gates, St. Peter says. “If any of you
are Paedophiles, you can Fuck off down to HELL”. Nine of them start to walk away when St Peter
calls out. "And take this deaf bastard with you".

The wife said to me last night. "If you turn the bedside lamp off I'll take it up the arse". Maybe I
should have waited for the bulb to cool down first.

My mate reckons he always cries after sex. Mind you.... He is in Prison.

The wife came out of the bathroom and said: "I have just shaved my pussy and you know what that
means don't you"? I said. "Yeah, the bloody plug hole is blocked again"!
Nearly shagged a Ladyboy last night. Picked him up in a night club. He Looked like a woman. Smelled
like a woman. Danced like a woman. Even kissed like a woman. But as we arrived back at his
apartment, he reversed his car into a tight parking slot in one fluid movement. That's when I
thought. "Hang about" !!!!

Back on January 9th, a group of Hell's Angels bikers were riding north on I-95 in PA. when they saw a
girl about to jump off the Scudder Falls Bridge. So they stopped.
Frank, their leader, a big burly man of 45, gets off his Harley, walks through a group of gawkers, past
the State Trooper who was trying to talk her down off the railing, and says, "Hey Baby.....whatcha
doin' up there on that railin'?"
She says tearfully, "I'm going to commit suicide!!"
While he didn't want to appear "sensitive," Frank also didn't want to miss this "be-a-legend"
opportunity either so he asked ..."Well, before you jump, Honey-Babe...why don't you give ole Frank
here your best last kiss?"
So, with no hesitation at all, she leaned back over the railing and did just that ... and it was a long,
deep, lingering kiss followed immediately by another even better one.
After they breathlessly finished, Frank gets a big thumbs-up approval from his biker-buddies, the
onlookers, and even the State Trooper, and then says, "Wow! That was the best kiss I have ever had,
Honey! That's a real talent you're wasting, Sugar Shorts. You could be famous if you rode with me.
Why are you committing suicide?"
"My parents don't like me dressing up like a girl."
It's still unclear whether she jumped or was pushed.

A guy is looking for a place to sit in a crowded library. He asked a girl in the university library: "Do
you mind if I sit beside you?
The girl replied in a loud voice: "NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPEND THE NIGHT WITH YOU!"
All the students in the library started staring at the guy; he was very embarrassed and moved to
another table.
After a couple of minutes, the girl walked quietly to the guy's table and said with a laugh: "I study
psychology, and I know what a man is thinking. I guess you felt embarrassed, right?"
The guy then responded in a loud voice: "$500 FOR ONE NIGHT? . . . THAT'S ROBBERY!"
All the people in the library looked at the girl in shock.
The guy then whispered in her ear: "I study law: I know how to screw people."

The mother-in-law dropped in after shopping to find her son-in-law boiling angry and hurriedly
packing his suitcase.
"What happened?" she asked anxiously.
"What happened? I'll tell you what happened. I sent an email to my wife --- your daughter --- telling
her I was coming home a day early from my fishing trip. I got home ....and guess what I found? Your
daughter, Jean, in bed with a naked guy!
This is unbelievable, the end of our marriage. I'm done. I'm leaving forever!"
"Calm down, calm down!" said his mother-in-law. "There’s something very odd about that. Jean
would never do such a thing. There must be a simple explanation. I'll go speak to her and find out
what happened."
A few minutes later, the mother-in-law came back with a big smile and said,
"I told you there must be a simple explanation. She didn't get your email."

Thursday night, I gradually woke up stiff as a plank in hospital's ICU, tubes up my nose & down my
throat, wires monitoring every function & all around my head, hell of a pain over my left ear, and a
gorgeous nurse hovering over me.
It was obvious I'd been in a serious accident.
She looked deep & steady and I heard her slowly say, 'You may not feel anything from the waist
down.'
I managed to mumble in reply, 'Can I feel your tits, then?'

It's all in the delivery, said the midwife to the courier....

I met a Dutch girl with inflatable shoes last week, phoned her up to arrange a date but unfortunately
she'd popped her clogs.

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly; but when they lit a fire in the craft, it sank, proving once
and for all that you can't have your kayak and heat it.

So I said "Do you want a game of Darts?", he said "OK then", I said "Nearest to bull starts". He said
"Baa", I said "Moo", he said "You're closest".

You see I'm against hunting, in fact I'm a hunt saboteur. I go out the night before and shoot the fox.

The other day I sent my girlfriend a huge pile of snow. I rang her up, I said "Did you get my drift?".

So I went down the local supermarket, I said "I want to make a complaint, this vinegar's got lumps in
it", he said "Those are pickled onions".

I saw this bloke chatting up a cheetah, I thought "he's trying to pull a fast one".

So I said to this train driver "I want to go to Paris". He said "Eurostar?". I said "I've been on telly but
I'm no Dean Martin".

So I said to the Gym instructor "Can you teach me to do the splits?". He said "How flexible are you?".
I said "I can't make Tuesdays".

But I'll tell you what I love doing more than anything: trying to pack myself in a small suitcase. I can
hardly contain myself.

So I met this gangster who pulls up the back of people's pants, it was Wedgie Kray.

So I went to the Chinese restaurant and this duck came up to me with a red rose and says "Your eyes
sparkle like diamonds". I said "Waiter, I asked for a-ROMATIC duck".
But I'm in great mood tonight because the other day I entered a competition and I won a year’s
supply of Marmite......... one jar.

So this bloke says to me, "Can I come in your house and talk about your carpets?". I thought "That's
all I need, a Je-oover's witness".

You see my next door neighbour worships exhaust pipes, he's a catholic converter.

So I rang up British Telecom, I said "I want to report a nuisance caller", he said "Not you again".

So I was having dinner with Garry Kasporov (world chess champion) and there was a check
tablecloth. It took him two hours to pass me the salt.

He said "You remind me of a pepper-pot", I said "I'll take that as a condiment".

And I've got a friend who's fallen in love with two school bags, he's bisatchel.

So I was in Tesco's and I saw this man and woman wrapped in a barcode. I said "Are you two an
item?".

So a lorry-load of tortoises crashed into a train-load of terrapins, I thought "That's a turtle disaster".

There was a man who entered a local paper's pun contest. He sent in ten different puns, in the hope
that at least one of the puns would win. Unfortunately, no pun in ten did.

Fred, 85, married Jenny, a lovely 25 year old . . .Since her new husband is so old, Jenny decides that
after their wedding she and Fred should have separate bedrooms, because she is concerned that her
new but aged husband may over-exert himself if they spend the entire night together.
After the wedding festivities Jenny prepares herself for bed and the expected knock on the door.
Sure enough the knock comes, the door opens and there is Fred, her 85 year old groom, ready for
action. They unite as one. All goes well, Fred takes leave of his bride, and she prepares to go to
sleep.
After a few minutes, Jenny hears another knock on her bedroom door, and it's Fred, again he is
ready for more action. Somewhat surprised, Jenny consents for more coupling. When the
newlyweds are done, Fred kisses his bride, bids her a fond good night and leaves.
She is set to go to sleep again, but, aha, you guessed it Fred is back again, rapping on the door and is
as fresh as a 25 year old, ready for more 'action'. And, once more they enjoy each other. But as Fred
gets set to leave again, his young bride says to him, 'I am thoroughly impressed that at your age you
can perform so well and so often. I have been with guys less than a third of your age who were only
good once. “You are truly a great lover, Fred.”
Fred, somewhat embarrassed, turns to Jenny and says: 'You mean I was here already?'
The moral: Don't be afraid of getting old, Alzheimer's might have its advantages!!

A man wakes up in hospital after a terrible accident.

Doctor: I have some good news and some bad news.
The man looks worried.
Man: What's the bad news?
Doctor: I'm afraid we've had to amputate both your legs.
Man; Oh no! That's awful! Ummmm...what's the good news?
Doctor: The man in the bed next to you wants to buy your slippers.

Why did the Baker have brown hands? Because he kneaded a poo.
Did you hear about the psychic midget that escaped from prison? The newspapers said "Small
Medium at Large".

There are three balloons. Mummy, Daddy and Baby balloon. Over the early years Baby balloon has
slept in the same bed as Mummy and Daddy balloon. Daddy balloon takes Baby balloon aside one
day and tells him that he’s made him a new bed for him and that he is to sleep there from now one.
During the night Baby balloon is scared sleeping on his own and so sneaks back into bed with
Mummy and Daddy balloon. Baby balloon tries to squeeze in between the two of them but can’t get
enough room. He reaches over and let a little air out of Mummy balloon, but to no avail he still
doesn’t have room. He then reaches over to Daddy balloon and lets a little air out of him. Still he
can’t quite fit in. Finally he lets a little air out of himself. He fits in nicely and falls asleep.
In the morning when Mummy and Daddy awaken they find Baby balloon in bed with them. Daddy
balloon looks sad and shakes his head at Baby balloon and says.
"Son I told you to sleep in your own bed didn’t I ?"
" Yes Daddy I'm sorry"
" That's OK son but you see you've let your Mummy down, you've let me down and you've let
yourself down"

As she sat by him, he whispered, eyes full of tears, “You know what?
You have been with me all through the bad times.
When I got fired, you were there.
When my business failed, you were there.
When I got shot, you were by my side.
When we lost the house, you were right here.
When my health started failing, you were still by my side...
You know what Martha?"
"What dear?" she gently asked, smiling as her heart began to fill with warmth.
"I think you're bad luck."

After being married for thirty years, a wife asked her husband to describe her.
He looked at her for a while, then said, "You're an alphabet wife ..... A, B, C, D, E, F, G, H, I, J, K."
She asks ... "What the hell does that mean?"
He said, "Adorable, Beautiful, Cute, Delightful, Elegant, Fabulous, Gorgeous, and Hot".
She smiled happily and said ... "Oh, that's so lovely, but what about I, J, K?"
He said, "I'm Just Kidding!"
The swelling in his eye is going down and the doctor is fairly optimistic about saving his testicles.
Lady: Do you drink?
Man: Yes
Lady: How much a day?
Man: 3 6 packs
Lady: How much per 6 pack
Man: about $10.00
Lady: And how long have you been drinking?
Man: 15 years
Lady: So 1 6 pack cost $10.00 and you have 3 packs a day which puts your spending each month at
$900. In one year, it would be $10,800 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: If in 1 year you spend $10,800 not accounting for inflation, the past 15 years puts your
spending at $162,000 correct?
Man: Correct
Lady: Do you know that if you hadn't drank, that money could have been put in a step-up interest
savings account and after accounting for compound interest for the past 15 years, you could have
now bought a Ferrari?
Man: Do you drink?
Lady: No
Man: Where's your Ferrari then?

I came out of the chip shop with a meat and potato pie, large chips, mushy peas & a jumbo sausage.
A poor homeless man sitting there said ?I've not eaten for two days.? I told him ? I wish I had your
will power..?

I took my Biology exam last Friday.. I was asked to name two things commonly found in cells.
Apparently "Young Blacks" and "Romanian Gypos" were not the correct answers.

A fat girl served me in McDonald's at lunch time today. She said ?sorry about the wait.? I said ?
don't worry dear, you might lose it eventually.?

Snow in the forecast! The TV weather girl said she was expecting 8 inches tonight. I thought to
myself, fat chance with a face like that!

An Irish boy stands crying at the side of the road. A man asks him? What's wrong?? The boy says ?
Me ma is dead?. ? Oh bejaysus? the man says ? Do you want me to call Father O' Riley for you ?? The
boy replies? No tanks mister, sex is the last ting on my mind at the moment.?

Japanese scientists have created a camera with such an immensely fast shutter speed that it is now
possible to take a photograph of a woman with her mouth shut.

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on
a train or bus and think to yourself....... I'm going to have that.
Man in a hot air balloon is lost over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer in the fields and shouts
down to him? Where am I ?? The Irish farmer looks back up and shouts back. "You can't fool me,
you're in that basket up there."

Predictive text is for aunts.

A police officer saw a car speeding down the highway.

He started chasing after the speeder . When he got close he's saw it was a blonde woman who was
actually knitting while driving.
The cop yelled, "Pull over!"
The blonde shouted back, "No! It's a sweater!"

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2:30 this morning, can you believe that? 2:30am?
Luckily for him I was still up playing my Bagpipes.

The Grim Reaper came for me last night, and I beat him off with a vacuum cleaner.
Talk about Dyson with death.

Paddy says, "Mick, I'm thinking of buying a Labrador.

"Really?" says Mick "have you seen how many of their owners go blind?"

I saw a poor old lady fall over today on the ice!!

At least I presume she was poor - she only had £1.20 in her purse.

My girlfriend thinks that I'm a stalker... Well, she's not exactly my girlfriend yet.

Woke up last night to find the ghost of Gloria Gaynor standing at the foot of my bed.
At first I was afraid then I was petrified.

The wife has been missing a week now. Police said to prepare for the worst.
So I have been to the charity shop to buy all her clothes back.

A mate of mine admitted to being addicted to brake fluid.

When I quizzed him on it he reckoned he could stop any time.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4
grave diggers walking about with a coffin, 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it. I
thought to myself, "These guys have lost the plot!"

My daughter asked me for a pet spider for her birthday, so I went to our local pet shop and they
were £70. "Blow this," I thought, "I can get one cheaper off the web."

Statistically, 6 out of 7 dwarves are not happy.

I was at an ATM yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance, so I pushed her
over.

I start a new job in Seoul next week. I thought it was a good Korea move.

I was driving this morning when I saw an RAC van parked on the side of the road.
The driver was sobbing uncontrollably and looked very miserable.
I thought to myself, "That guy's heading for a breakdown."

I just met a fat, alcoholic, transvestite. He wants to eat, drink, and be Mary

A woman come home to find her man blow drying his c*ck.
She says "What the hell are you doing?!"
He answers "I'm heating up your dinner!!"

Wife - See that drunk man?

Husband - Yes . . . .
Wife - He used to be my boyfriend & I refused to marry him . . . .
Husband - WOW . . . He's still celebrating! . . .

“I was in bed with my new girlfriend last night, and she said I’d got the biggest cock she’d ever laid
her hands on” I said “You’re pulling my leg”

An Irishman goes into the confessional box after years of being away from the Church. There's a fully
equipped bar with Guinness on tap. On the other wall is a dazzling array of the finest cigars and
chocolates.
Then the priest comes in.
"Father, forgive me, for it's been a very long time since I've been to confession, but I must first
admit that the confessional box is much more inviting than it used to be."
The priest replies: "Get out you eeejut. You're on my side."

When things in life seem almost too much to handle, When 24 hours in a day is not enough;
remember this story of a mayonnaise jar and 2 cups of coffee.
A professor stood before his philosophy class and had some items in front of him. When the class
began, wordlessly, he picked up a very large and empty mayonnaise jar and started to fill it with golf
balls. He then asked the students if the jar was full. They agreed that it was. The professor then
picked up a box of pebbles and poured it into the jar. He shook the jar lightly. The pebbles rolled into
the open areas between the golf balls. He then asked the students again if the jar was full. They
agreed it was. The professor next picked up a box of sand and poured it into the jar. Of course, the
sand filled up everything else. He asked once more if the jar was full. The students responded with a
unanimous 'yes.' The professor then produced two cups of coffee from under the table and poured
the entire contents into the jar, effectively filling the empty space between the sand. The students
laughed. 'Now,' said the professor, as the laughter subsided, 'I want you to recognize that this jar
represents your life.
The golf balls are the important things - family, children, health, friends, and favourite passions,
things that if everything else was lost and only they remained, your life would still be full. The
pebbles are the things that matter like your job, house, and car. The sand is everything else -- The
small stuff. 'If you put the sand into the jar first,' he continued, 'there is no room for the pebbles or
the golf balls. The same goes for life. If you spend all your time and energy on the small stuff, You
will never have room for the things that are important to you.
So...Pay attention to the things that are critical to your happiness. Play with your children. Take time
to get medical check-ups. Take your partner out to dinner. There will always be time to clean the
house and fix the dripping tap. 'Take care of the golf balls first -- The things that really matter. Set
your priorities. The rest is just sand.'
One of the students raised her hand and inquired what the coffee represented. The professor
smiled. 'I'm glad you asked'. It just goes to show you that no matter how full your life may seem,
there's always room for a couple of cups of coffee with a friend.'

A guy walked into the local welfare office to pick up his check.
He marched straight up to the counter and said, 'Hi. You know, I just HATE drawing welfare. I'd really
rather have a job.'
The social worker behind the counter said, 'Your timing is excellent. We just got a job opening from a
very wealthy old man who wants a chauffeur and bodyguard for his beautiful daughter.
You'll have to drive around in his 2010 Mercedes CL, and he will supply all of your clothes. Because
of the long hours meals will be provided. You'll also be expected to escort the daughter on her
overseas holiday trips.
This is rather awkward to say but you will also have as part of your job assignment to satisfy her
sexual urges as the daughter is in her mid-20's and has a rather strong sex drive.
A two-bedroom loft type apartment with plasma TV, stereo, bar, etc. located above the garage will
be designated for your sole use and the salary is $200,000 a year.'
The guy, just plain wide-eyed, says, 'You're bullshittin' me!'
The social worker says, 'Yeah, well, You started it.'

Fresh from my shower, I stood in front of the mirror complaining to my husband that my breasts are
too small.
Instead of romantically telling me this is not true, he uncharacteristically comes up with a
suggestion: 'If you want your breasts to grow, then take a piece of toilet paper and rub it between
them for a few seconds every day. Willing to try anything, I got a piece of toilet paper and stood in
front of the mirror, rubbing it between my breasts.
How long will this take?' I asked.
They will grow larger over a period of years,' my husband replies.
I stopped. 'Do you really think rubbing a piece of toilet paper between my breasts every day will
make my breasts larger over the years?'
Without missing a beat he said 'Worked for your bum, didn't it?'
The Bastard is still alive, and with a great deal of therapy, he may even walk again although he will
probably continue to take his meals through a straw.

I've heard that Apple have scrapped their plans for the new children's iPod after realizing that iTouch
Kids is not a good product name.
You can say lots of bad things about paedophiles but at least they drive slowly past schools

A mate of mine has just told me he's shagging his girlfriend and her twin.
I said "How can you tell them apart?" He said "Her brother's got a moustache"

Being a modest man, when I checked into my hotel on a recent trip, I said to the lady at the
registration desk ...
"I hope the porn channel in my room is disabled."
To which she replied, "No, it's regular porn, you sick bastard.”

Now on sale at IKEA - LESBIAN beds, no nuts or screwing involved, it’s all tongue and groove...

A Muslim has been shot in the head with a starting pistol; police say it’s definitely race related...

Due to a water shortage in Ireland , Dublin swimming baths have announced they are closing lanes 7
and 8...

I got a letter from Screw Fix Direct thanking me for my interest, but explaining they were not a
dating agency...

The lead actor in the local Pantomime production of Aladdin was anally raped, by the gay genie on
stage last night. To be fair, the audience did try to warn him.

An old cowboy sat down at the Starbucks and ordered a cup of coffee.
As he sat sipping his coffee, a young woman sat down next to him.
She turned to the cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real cowboy?'
He replied, 'Well, I've spent my whole life breaking colts, working cows, going to rodeos, fixing
fences, pulling calves, bailing hay, doctoring calves, cleaning my barn, fixing flats, working on
tractors, and feeding my dogs, so I guess I am a cowboy.'
She said, 'I'm a lesbian. I spend my whole day thinking about naked women... As soon as I get up in
the morning, I think about naked women. When I shower, I think about naked women. When I watch
TV, I think about naked women.. It seems everything makes me think of naked women.'
The two sat sipping in silence.
A little while later, a man sat down on the other side of the old cowboy and asked, 'Are you a real
cowboy?'
He replied, 'I always thought I was, but I just found out I'm a Lesbian.'

I had a mate who was suicidal. He was really depressed, so I pushed him in front of a train.
He was chuffed to bits.

I went to the cemetery yesterday to lay some flowers on a grave. As I was standing there I noticed 4
grave diggers walking about with a coffin... 3 hours later and they're still walking about with it... I
thought to myself, these buggers have lost the plot!!
I was at a cashpoint yesterday when a little old lady asked if I could check her balance.
Not being one to disappoint I pushed the old dear over.

A new middle east crisis erupted last night as Dubai Television was refused permission to broadcast
'The Flintstones'. A spokesman for the channel said....
'A claim was made that people in Dubai would not understand the humour, but we know for a fact
that people in Abu Dhabi Do.'

Just heard there was an explosion at a pie factory in Huddersfield….3.1415927 dead.

I was walking in a cemetery this morning and saw a bloke hiding behind a gravestone. "Morning." I
said. "No" he replied, "just having a shit."

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, 'I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds.'
I bought her some bathroom scales.

Went around to a friend’s house today. His wife was sat there with their new-born baby. She asked if
I’d like to wind it....I thought that was a bit harsh so I gave it a dead leg instead.

Saw my mate outside the Doctor's today looking really worried.

"What's the matter?" I asked.
"I've got the big C, “he said.
"What, cancer?"
"No, dyslexia."

When I got divorced, my wife said she would fight for custody of the kids.
I took her out with one punch.

My grandad gave me some sound advice on his deathbed..

"It's worth spending money on good speakers," he told me.

A family are driving behind a garbage truck when a dildo flies out and thumps against the
windscreen. Embarrassed, and to spare her young son's innocence, the mother turns around and
says, "Don't worry; that was an insect."
To which, her son replies, "I'm surprised it could get off the ground with a cock like that."

Disabled toilets. Ironically, the only toilets big enough to run around in.

I met a 14 year old girl on the internet. She was clever, funny, flirty and sexy, so I suggested we meet
up. She turned out to be an undercover detective. How cool is that at her age?!

I was reading in the paper today about this dwarf that got pickpocketed. How could anyone stoop so
low?
I just saw that Harry Potter film. A bit unrealistic if you ask me. I mean, a ginger kid, with two
friends?

I went to see the nurse this morning for my annual check-up. She said I had to stop wanking. When I
asked why she said, "Because I'm trying to examine you!"

Old Father O'Malley was strolling through the church grounds one sunny summer evening, when he
came upon a little frog sitting by a tree. "My Lord," he said, picking it up: "You're the saddest, most
forlorn-looking frog I've ever seen. I only wish you could speak, so that you might tell me your
troubles."
The frog replied, "Actually, I can. You see, I was once a choirboy in this very parish. One day I
offended a passing Gypsy, and she put a curse on me that turned me into a talking frog."
"Incredible!" said Father O'Malley. "Is there anything I might do to help you?"
"Actually yes, there is. The Gypsy said that if I can find somebody to take me home and let me sleep
in their bed, the curse will be lifted and I'll be back to normal."
"Well," said Father O'Malley, "the good Lord teaches us to be charitable. I think I can manage that."
So Father O'Malley picked up the little frog and put it in his pocket. That night he placed it gently on
the pillow beside him and drifted off into a long, dreamy sleep. When he awoke the next morning,
the frog had turned back into a choirboy, just as it had said it would. And that, Your Honour, is the
case for the defence...

Murphy calls to see his mate Paddy, who has a broken leg. Paddy says, "Me feet are freezing mate,
could you nip upstairs and get me fookin’ slippers?"
"No bother," he says, and he runs upstairs and there are Paddy's two stunning 19 year old twin
daughters sat on their beds.
"Hello dere girls, your Dad sent me up here to shag ya both."
"Fook off you liar!"
"I'll prove it," Murphy says.
So he shouts down the stairs, "Both of them, Paddy?"
"Of course, what's the use of fookin' one?"

1 - I'd kill for a Nobel Peace Prize.

2 – Borrow money from pessimists; they don’t expect it back
3 - Half the people you know are below average.
4 - 99% of lawyers give the rest a bad name.
5 – 82.73% of all statistics are made up on the spot
6 – A conscience is what hurts when all your other parts feels so good
7 - A clear conscience is usually the sign of a bad memory.
8 - If you want the rainbow, you've got to put up with the rain.
9 - All those who believe in psycho kinesis, please raise my hand.
10 – The early bird may get the worm, but the second mouse gets the cheese
11 – I almost had a psychic girlfriend; but she left me before we met.
12 - OK, so what's the speed of dark?
13 - How do you tell when you're out of invisible ink?
14 - If everything seems to be going well, you have obviously overlooked something.
15 – Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm.
16 - When everything is coming your way, you're in the wrong lane.
17 - Ambition is a poor excuse for not having enough sense to be lazy.
18 - Hard work pays off in the future; laziness pays off now.
19 - I intend to live forever. So far, so good.
20 - If Barbie is so popular, why do you have to buy her friends?
21 – Eagles may soar, but weasels don’t get sucked into jet engines.
22 - What happens if you get scared half to death twice?
23 - My mechanic told me, "I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder."
24 - Why do psychics have to ask you for your name?
25 - If at first you don't succeed, destroy all evidence that you tried.
26 - A conclusion is the place where you got tired of thinking.
27 - Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it.
28 - The hardness of the butter is proportional to the softness of the bread.
29 - To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism; to steal from many is research.
30 - The problem with the gene pool is that there is no lifeguard.
31 - The sooner you fall behind, the more time you'll have to catch up.
32 - The colder the x-ray table, the more of your body is required to be on it.
33 – Everyone has a photographic memory; some just don’t have any film.
34 - If your car could travel at the speed of light, would your headlights work?

How do you turn a fox into an elephant? Marry her!

What is the difference between a battery and a woman? A battery has a positive side.

What are the three fastest means of communication?

1) Television
2) Telephone
3) Telawoman

What should you give a woman who has everything? A man to show her how to work it.

What do you say to a woman with 2 black eyes? Nothing, she's been told twice already.

If your wife keeps coming out of the kitchen to nag at you, what have you done wrong? Made her
chain too long.

How many men does it take to open a beer? None. It should be opened when she brings it.

Why is a Laundromat a really bad place to pick up a woman? Because a woman who can't even
afford a washing machine will probably never be able to support you.

Why do women have smaller feet than men? It's one of those 'evolutionary things' that allows them
to stand closer to the kitchen sink.
How do you know when a woman is about to say something smart? When she starts a sentence with
'A man once told me...'

How do you fix a woman's watch? You don't need to. There is a clock on the oven.

Why do men pass gas more than women? Because women can't shut up long enough to build up the
required pressure.

If your dog is barking at the back door and your wife is yelling at the front door, who do you let in
first? The dog, of course. He'll shut up once you let him in.

What's worse than a Male Chauvinist Pig? A woman who won't do what she's told.

I married my 'Miss Right'. I just didn't know her first name was Always.

Scientists have discovered a food that diminishes a woman's se x drive by 90% ... it's called a
Wedding Cake.

Why do men die before their wives? They want to.

Why do women have babies? 'Cos it hurts and they deserve the pain!

A man is sitting in a bar staring at his drink. After staring at it for half an hour without taking a sip,
one of the bar regulars decides to have some fun with him. He picks up the man’s drink and knocks it
back in one. The man starts crying. ‘Don’t take it like that,’ says the regular. ‘It was a joke. I’ll buy you
another one.’ ‘It’s not just that,’ replies the man. ‘This day has been the worst one of my life. First, I
oversleep and get into work late. My boss fires me and, when I leave the building, I find my car had
been stolen. I get a cab home but leave my briefcase on the back seat with my wallet in it. Then,
when I get home, I find my wife in bed with the gardener. After all that I come to this bar and then,
when I’ve just made up my mind to end it all, you show up and drink my poison…’

A rather attractive woman goes up to the bar in a quiet rural pub. She gestures alluringly to the
barman, who comes over immediately. When he arrives, she seductively signals for him to bring his
face close to hers. When he does so, she begins to gently caress his beard, which is full and bushy.
Are you the manager? she asks, softly stroking his face with both hands. “Actually, No”, he replies.
Can you get him for me I need to speak to him. She is running her hands up beyond his beard and
into his hair. I’m afraid that I can’t, breathes the barman, clearly aroused. Is there anything I can do?
“Yes, there is”. I need you to give him a message, she continues huskily, popping a couple of fingers
into his mouth and allowing him to suck them gently. “Tell him that there is no Toilet Paper in the
ladies room.”

A Scotsman, an Englishman and an Irishman are sitting in a bar in New York reminiscing about home.
"Back in me pub in Glasgow," brags the Scotsman, "fer every four pints of stout I order, they give me
one fer free!"
"In me pub in London," says the Englishman,"I pay fer two pint's o' Guiness and they give me a third
one free!"
"That's nuthin'" says the Irishman, "Im my pub back in Dublin, you walk up to the bar, they give the
first pint fer free, the second pint fer free, the third pint fer free -- and then they take you upstairs
and you have sex for FREE!"
"Is that true?" asks the Scotsman. "Has that really happened to you?"
"Well, no," says the Irishman, "but it happens to me sister all the time!"

This snail crawl's up to this bar as it was being closed. The snail pounds and pounds on the door until
the bar tender finally opens the door. Bar tender looks around and
sees nothing until the snail demanded a beer. The bar tender looked down and sees him but replies,
"Hey, we're closed now and besides we don't serve snails!" and then
proceeds to slam the door. The snail again pounds on the door until the bar tender got so frustrated
that he opened the door again and kicks the snail away.
A year later as the bartender was about to close again, he hears a pounding on the door again. He
opens the door and looks down to see the same snail again. The snail looked up and replies, "What'd
you do that for?"

I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.

Gardening Rule: When weeding, the best way to make sure you are removing a weed and not a
valuable plant is to pull on it. If it comes out of the ground easily, it is a valuable plant.

The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

Never take life seriously Nobody gets out alive anyway.

There are two kinds of pedestrians: the quick and the dead.

Life is sexually transmitted.

Health is merely the slowest possible rate at which one can die...

The only difference between a rut and a grave is the depth.

Health nuts are going to feel stupid someday, lying in hospitals dying of nothing..

Have you noticed since everyone has a cell that takes pictures these days no one talks about seeing
UFOs like they used to?

Whenever I feel blue, I start breathing again

All of us could take a lesson from the weather. It pays no attention to criticism.

In the 60s, people took acid to make the world weird. Now the world is weird and people take
Prozac to make it normal
How is it that one careless match can start a forest fire, but it takes a whole box to start a campfire?

Who was the first person to look at a cow and say, "I think I'll squeeze these dangly things here, and
drink whatever comes out?"

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken there? I'm gonna eat the next thing that comes
outta its butt.

If Jimmy cracks corn and no one cares, why the hell is there a song about him?

If quizzes are quizzical, what are tests?

Is Alphabet soup any help to illiterate people?

Did you ever notice that when you blow in a dog's face, he gets mad at you, but when you take him
on a car ride he sticks his head out the window?

Why doesn't glue stick to the inside of the bottle?

A man suffered a serious heart attack and had open heart bypass surgery. He awakened from the
surgery to find himself in the care of nuns at a Catholic Hospital. As he was recovering, a nun asked
him how he was going to pay for his treatment. She asked, 'Do you have health insurance?' He
replied in a raspy voice, 'No health insurance.' The nun asked, 'Do you have money in the bank?' He
replied, 'No money in the bank.' The nun asked, 'Do you have a relative who could help you?' He
said, 'I only have a spinster sister, who is a nun.' The nun became agitated and announced loudly,
'Nuns are not spinsters! Nuns are married to God.' The patient replied, 'Perfect. Send the bill to my
brother-in-law.'

Teacher: "Give me the opposite of this sentence: "Children in the dark make mistakes."
Student: "Mistakes in the dark make children

Girl to hungry boyfriend: "If my right leg was afternoon meal & left leg evening meal what would you
prefer?" Boyfriend: "Eating between meals!"

I went to the doctor's office the other day and found out my new doctor is a young female, drop-
dead gorgeous! I was embarrassed but she said, "Don't worry, I'm a professional - I've seen it all
before. Just tell me what's wrong and I'll check it out."
I said, "my wife thinks my dick tastes funny."

Three old ladies were sitting on a park bench when a man stopped in front of them and flashed
them. The first old lady had a stroke. The second old lady had a stroke. The third old lady wasn’t
fast enough
A guy goes to visit his grandmother and he brings his friends with him.
While he's talking to his grandmother, his friend finishes off some peanuts on the coffee table.
As they're leaving, his friend says to his grandmother, "Thanks for the peanuts."
She says, "You’re welcome. Since I lost my dentures I can only suck the chocolate off 'em."

One year, I decided to buy my mother-in-law a cemetery plot as

a Christmas gift...
The next year, I didn't buy her a gift.
When she asked me why, I replied,
"Well, you still haven't used the gift I bought you last year!"
And that's how the fight started.....

My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed.
I turned to her and said, 'Do you want to have Sex?'
'No,' she answered. I then said,
'Is that your final answer?'
She didn't even look at me this time, simply saying, 'Yes..'
So I said, "Then I'd like to phone a friend."
And that's when the fight started...

My wife and I were sitting at a table at her school reunion, and she kept staring at a drunken man
swigging his drink as he sat alone at a nearby table.
I asked her, "Do you know him?"
"Yes", she sighed,
"He's my old boyfriend. I understand he took to drinking right after we split up those many years
ago, and I hear he hasn't been sober since."
"My God!" I said, "Who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?"
And then the fight started...

My wife sat down next to me as I was flipping channels.

She asked, "What's on TV?"
I said, "Dust."
And then the fight started...

Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, and slipped quietly into the garage.
I hooked up the boat up to the van and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour. The wind
was blowing 50mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the
weather would be bad all day.
I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed. I cuddled up to my wife's
back; now with a different anticipation, and whispered, "The weather out there is terrible."
My loving wife of 5 years replied, "And, can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?"
And that's how the fight started....

My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary.
She said, "I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 150 in about 3 seconds."
I bought her a bathroom scale.
And then the fight started......

After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for Social Security. The woman behind the
counter asked me for my driver's License to verify my age.
I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very
sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, 'Unbutton your shirt'. So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair.
She said, 'That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me' and she processed my Social Security
application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office. She said,
'You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability too.'
And then the fight started...

My wife was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw
and said to me, "I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.'
I replied, "Your eyesight's darn near perfect."
And then the fight started...

I rear-ended a car this morning...the start of a REALLY bad day! The driver got out of the other car,
and he was a DWARF!!

He looked up at me and said 'I am NOT Happy!' So I said, 'Well, which one ARE you then?'

That's how the fight started.

The fattest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too
much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class, because it was a weapon of math
disruption.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

Two hats were hanging on a hat rack in the hallway. One hat said to the other: ‘You stay here, I’ll go
on a head.’

I wondered why the baseball kept getting bigger. Then it hit me.

A sign on the lawn at a drug rehab centre said: ‘Keep off the Grass.’

The midget fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.

The soldier who survived mustard gas and pepper spray is now a seasoned veteran.

A backward poet writes inverse.

In a democracy it’s your vote that counts. In feudalism it’s your count that votes.

If you jumped off the bridge in Paris, you’d be in Seine.

A vulture boards an airplane, carrying two dead raccoons. The stewardess looks at him and says, ‘I’m
sorry, sir, only one carrion allowed per passenger.’

Two fish swim into a concrete wall. One turns to the other and says ‘Dam!’

Two Eskimos sitting in a kayak were chilly, so they lit a fire in the craft. Unsurprisingly it sank, proving
once again that you can’t have your kayak and heat it too.

Two hydrogen atoms meet. One says, ‘I’ve lost my electron.’ The other says ‘Are you sure?’ The first
replies, ‘Yes, I’m positive.’

Did you hear about the Buddhist who refused Novocain during a root canal? His goal: transcend
dental medication.

After a long night of making love, the guy notices a photo of another man, on the woman's
nightstand by the bed.
He begins to worry. 'Is this your husband?' he nervously asks.
'No, silly,' she replies, snuggling up to him.
'Your boyfriend, then?' He continues.
'No, not at all,' she says, nibbling away at his ear.
'Is it your dad or your brother?' he inquires, hoping to be reassured.
'No, no, no! You are so hot when you're jealous!’ she answers.
'Well, who in the hell is he, then?' he demands.
She whispers in his ear
'That's me before the surgery.'
Do you know that when a woman wears a leather dress, a man's heart beats quicker, his throat gets
dry, he gets weak in the knees, and he begins to think irrationally???
Ever wonder why?
It's because she smells like a new Truck.

Some years ago, Paddy married an attractive woman, Maggie, half his age, in a small coastal Irish
community. After several months, Maggie complained that she had never climaxed during sex and
according to her Grandmother all Irish women are entitled to a climax once in a while.
So, to resolve the problem, they went to see the Veterinarian since there was no trustworthy doctor
anywhere in the village. The Vet didn't have a clue, but he did recall how, during the hot summer, his
mother and father would fan a cow that was having difficulty breeding with a big towel. This would
cool her down and make her relax.
So the Vet told them to hire a strong, virile young man to wave a big towel over them while they
were having sex. This, the Vet said, would cause the young wife to cool down, relax, then climax. So
the couple hired a strong young man from Dublin to wave that big towel over them as the Vet
suggested.
After many efforts, Maggie still had not climaxed so they went back to the Vet. The Vet said for her
to change partners and let the young man have sex with her while Paddy waved the big towel. They
tried it that night and Maggie went into wild, screaming, ear-splitting climaxes, one right after
the other for about two and a half hours.
When it was over, Paddy looked down at the exhausted young man and in a boasting voice said:
And that, me son, is how ya wave a fukkin' towel!'

Paddy & Mick go to London to donate sperm.

It was a disaster! Paddy missed the tube & Mick came on the bus!!

A Muslim was sitting next to Paddy on a plane. Paddy ordered a whiskey.

The stewardess asked the Muslim if he'd like a drink.
He re plied in disgust 'I'd rather be raped by a dozen whores than let liquor touch my lips!'
Paddy handed his drink back & said 'Me too, I didn't know we had a choice!'

Paddy calls Easyjet to book a flight.

The operator asks 'How many people are flying with you?'
Paddy replies 'I don't know! Its your fuckin’ plane!!'

Paddy & Murphy are working on a building site.

Paddy says to Murphy 'I'm gonna have the day off, I'm gonna pretend I'm mad!'
He climbs up the rafters, hangs upside down & shouts 'I'M A LIGHTBULB! I'M A LIGHTBULB!' Murphy
watches in amazement!
The Foreman shouts 'Paddy you're mad, go home' So he leaves the site.
Murphy starts packing his kit up to leave as well.
'Where the hell are you going?' asks the Foreman.
'I can’t work in the friggin dark! ' says Murphy.

Two Irish couples decided to swap partners for the night.

After 3 hours of amazing sex Paddy says 'I wonder how the girls are getting on'

Paddy takes his new wife to bed on their wedding night. She undresses & lies on the bed spread-
eagled & says 'You know what I want don't you?'
'Yeah,' says Paddy. 'The whole friggin bed by the looks of it!'

Q. What's a Catholic priest & a pint of Guinness got in common?

A. Black coat, white collar & you've got to watch your arse if you get dodgy one!

Paddy the electrician got sacked from the U.S. prison service for not servicing the electric chair. He
said in his professional opinion it was a death trap!

Paddy's chat up lines:

1. Did ya fart? 'Cos ya just blew me away!
2. Are your parents retarded? 'Cos your special!
3. My love for you is like diarrhoea. I just can't hold it in!
4. Is there a mirror in your knickers? 'Cos I can see myself in them!
5. Your body reminds me of a spanner. Every time I think of you my nuts tighten up!
6. You might not be the best looking girl in here, but beauty is only a light switch away!

Paddy, the Irish boyfriend of the woman who's head was found on Arbroath beach was asked to
identify her.
A detective held up the head to which point Paddy said 'I don't think that's her, she wasn't that tall!'

Paddy & his wife are lying in bed & the neighbour's dog is barking like mad in the garden.
Paddy says 'To hell with this!' & storms off.
He comes back upstairs 5 mins later & his wife asks 'What did you do?'
Paddy replies 'I've put the dog in our garden, let’s see how they like it!'

An Irishman is shagging a Jewish girl & says 'You're not very tight for a Jew!'
She says 'Well you're not very thick for a Paddy!'

Paddy is said to be shocked at finding out all his cows have Bluetongue.
'Be Jeysus!' he said, 'I didn't even know they had mobile phones!'

Mick & Paddy are reading head stones at a nearby cemetery.

Mick say 'Crikey ! There's a bloke here who was 152!'
Paddy says 'What's his name?'
Mick replies 'Miles from London !'

A woman walks into the Liverpool benefits office, trailed by 15 kids...

'WOW,' the social worker exclaims, 'Are they ALL yours?
'Yeah they are all mine,' the flustered mother sighs, having heard that question a thousand times
before. She says, 'Sit down Terry.' All the children rush to find seats.
'Well,' says the social worker, 'then you must be here to sign up. I'll need all your children's names..'
'This one's my oldest - he is Terry.'
'OK, and who's next?'
'Well, this one he is Terry, also.'
The social worker raises an eyebrow but continues. One by one, through the oldest four, all boys, all
named Terry. Then she is introduced to the eldest girl, named Terri.
'All right,' says the caseworker. 'I'm seeing a pattern here. Are they ALL named Terri?'
Their Mother replied, 'Well, yes-it makes it easier. When it is time to get them out of bed and ready
for school, I yell, 'Terry!' An' when it's time for dinner, I just yell 'Terry!' an' they all come runnin.' An'
if I need to stop the kid who's running into the street, I just yell 'Terry' and all of them stop. It's the
smartest idea I ever had, namin' them all Terry.'
The social worker thinks this over for a bit, then wrinkles her forehead and says tentatively, 'But
what if you just want ONE kid to come, and not the whole bunch?'
'I call them by their surnames!'

A father put his three year old daughter to bed, told her a story and listened to her prayers which
she ended by saying
"God bless Mommy, God bless daddy, and God bless grandma and good-bye grandpa."
The father asked, "Why did you say good-bye grandpa?"
The little girl said, "I don't know daddy, it just seemed like the thing to do."
The next day grandpa died.
The father thought it was a strange coincidence.
A few months later the father put the girl to bed and listened to her prayers, which went like this:
"God bless Mommy, God Bless daddy and good-bye grandma."
The next day the grandmother died. Oh my god, thought the father, this kid is in contact with the
other side.
Several weeks later when the girl was going to bed the dad heard her say, "God bless Mommy and
good-bye daddy."
He practically went into shock.
He couldn't sleep all night and got up at the crack of dawn to go to his office.
He was nervous as a cat all day, had lunch sent in and watched the clock.
He figured if he could get by until midnight he would be okay.
He felt safe in the office, so instead of going home at the end of the day he stayed there, looking at
his watch and jumping at every sound.
Finally midnight arrived; he breathed a sigh of relief and went home.
When he got home his wife said
"I've never seen you work so late, what's the matter?"
He said "I don't want to talk about it; I've just spent the worst day of my life."
She said "You think you had a bad day, you'll never believe what happened HERE" .
He asked "What"??????
She said "This morning our neighbour James suddenly died..."

An Australian walks into the bedroom with a sheep on a leash and says...
"Honey, this is the cow I make love to when you have a headache."
The wife, lying in the bed reading a book, looks up and says, "If you weren't such an
idiot, you'd know that's a sheep, not a cow."
The guy replies, "If you weren't such a presumptuous bitch, you'd realize I was
talking to the sheep."

Where did “piss poor” come from?

We older people need to learn something new every day -- just to keep the grey matter tuned up.
Where did "Piss Poor" come from?

Interesting History.
They used to use urine to tan animal skins, so families used to all pee in a pot and then once a day it
was taken and sold to the tannery. If you had to do this to survive you were "Piss Poor."
But worse than that were the really poor folk who couldn't even afford to buy a pot -- they "didn't
have a pot to piss in," and were the lowest of the low.
The next time you are washing your hands and complain because the water temperature isn't just
how you like it, think about how things used to be.

Here are some facts about the 1500s:

Most people got married in June because they took their yearly bath in May, and they still smelled
pretty good by June. However, since they were starting to smell, brides carried a “bouquet of
flowers” to hide the body odour. Hence the custom today of carrying a bouquet when getting
married.

Baths consisted of a big tub filled with hot water.

The man of the house had the privilege of the nice clean water, then all the other sons and men,
then the women and finally the children.
Last of all the babies.
By then the water was so dirty you could actually lose someone in it.
Hence the saying, "Don't throw the baby out with the bath water!"

Houses had thatched roofs-thick straw-piled high, with no wood underneath.

It was the only place for animals to get warm, so all the cats and other small animals
(mice, bugs) lived in the roof.
When it rained it became slippery and sometimes the animals would slip and fall off the roof.
Hence the saying, "It's raining cats and dogs."

There was nothing to stop things from falling into the house.
This posed a real problem in the bedroom where bugs and other droppings could mess up your nice
clean bed. Hence, a bed with big posts and a sheet hung over the top afforded some protection.
That's how “canopy beds” came into existence.

The floor was dirt. Only the wealthy had something other than dirt. Hence the saying, "Dirt poor."
The wealthy had slate floors that would get slippery in the winter when wet, so they spread thresh
(straw) on floor to help keep their footing. As the winter wore on, they added more thresh until,
when you opened the door, it would all start slipping outside. A piece of wood was placed in the
entrance-way. Hence: a “thresh hold.”

In those old days, they cooked in the kitchen with a big kettle that always hung over the fire. Every
day they lit the fire and added things to the pot. They ate mostly vegetables and did not get much
meat. They would eat the stew for dinner, leaving leftovers in the pot to get cold overnight and then
start over the next day.
Sometimes stew had food in it that had been there for quite a while. Hence the rhyme:

“Peas porridge hot, peas porridge cold, peas porridge in the pot nine days old.”
Sometimes they could obtain pork, which made them feel quite special.

When visitors came over, they would hang up their bacon to show off. It was a sign of wealth that a
man could, "bring home the bacon."

They would cut off a little to share with guests and would all sit around and “chew the fat.”

Those with money had plates made of pewter.

Food with high acid content caused some of the lead to leach onto the food, causing lead poisoning
death. This happened most often with tomatoes, so for the next 400 years or so, tomatoes were
considered poisonous.

Bread was divided according to status. Workers got the burnt bottom of the loaf, the family got the
middle, and guests got the top, or the “upper crust.”

Lead cups were used to drink ale or whisky. The combination would sometimes knock the imbibers
out for a couple of days. Someone walking along the road would take them for dead and prepare
them for burial. They were laid out on the kitchen table for a couple of days and the family would
gather around and eat and drink and wait and see if they would wake up. Hence the custom
of “holding a wake.”

England is old and small and the local folks started running out of places to bury people. So they
would dig up coffins and would take the bones to a bone-house, and reuse the grave. When
reopening these coffins, 1 out of 25 coffins were found to have scratch marks on the inside and they
realized they had been burying people alive. So they would tie a string on the wrist of the corpse,
lead it through the coffin and up through the ground and tie it to a bell. Someone would have to sit
out in the graveyard all night (“the graveyard shift”) to listen for the bell; thus, someone could be,
“saved by the bell, “or was considered “a dead ringer.”

Wife: 'What are you doing?'

Husband: Nothing.
Wife: 'Nothing...? You've been reading our marriage certificate for an hour.'
Husband: 'I was looking for the expiry date.'

Wife : 'Do you want dinner?'

Husband: 'Sure! What are my choices?'
Wife: 'Yes or no.'
Wife: 'You always carry my picture in your wallet. Why?'
Hubby: 'When there is a problem, no matter how great, I look at your picture and the problem
disappears.'
Wife: 'You see how miraculous and powerful I am for you?'
Hubby: 'Yes! I see your picture and ask myself what other problem can there be greater than this
one?'

Stress Reliever Girl: 'When we get married, I want to share all your worries, troubles and lighten your
burden.'
Boy: 'It's very kind of you, darling, but I don't have any worries or troubles.'
Girl: 'Well that's because we aren't married yet.'

Son: ' Mom, when I was on the bus with Dad this morning, he told me to give up my seat to a lady.'
Mom: 'Well, that was the right thing to do.'
Son: 'But mom, I was sitting on dad's lap.'

Girl to her boyfriend: One kiss and I'll be yours forever.

The guy replies: 'Thanks for the early warning.'

A wife asked her husband: 'What do you like most in me, my pretty face or my sexy body?'
He looked at her from head to toe and replied: 'I like your sense of humour!'

A nice, calm and respectable lady went into the pharmacy, walked up to the pharmacist, looked
straight into his eyes, and said, "I'd like to buy some cyanide."
The pharmacist asked, "Why in the world do you need cyanide?"
The lady replied, "I need it to poison my husband."
The pharmacist's eyes got big and he explained, "Lord have mercy! I can't give you cyanide to kill
your husband, that's against the law! I'll lose my license! They'll throw both of us in jail! All kinds of
bad things will happen. Absolutely not! You CANNOT have any cyanide!"
The lady reached into her purse and pulled out a picture of her husband in bed with the pharmacist's
wife. The pharmacist looked at the picture and said, "You didn't tell me you had a prescription."

A married couple had been out shopping at the mall for most of the afternoon. Suddenly, the wife
realized that her husband had "disappeared". The somewhat irate spouse called her mate's cell
phone and demanded: "Where the hell are you?"
Husband: "Darling, you remember that jewellery shop where you saw the diamond necklace and
totally fell in love with it and I didn't have money that time and I said, 'Baby, it'll be yours one
day'?"
Wife, with a smile, blushing: "Yes, I remember that, my love."
Husband: "Well, I'm in the Pub next to that shop."
An elderly man was stopped by the police around 2 a.m. And was asked where he was going at that
time of night.
The man replied, "I'm on my way to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the
human body, as well as smoking and staying out late."
The officer then asked, "Really? Who's giving that lecture at this time of night?"
The man replied, "That would be my wife."

I'm not normally suspicious but the wife told me yesterday that Gavin from Autoglass came round
and injected that special resin into her crack.....she hasn't even got a car!!

I hate crushing pills up and putting them in my Gran's dinner. I feel sneaky, but if I ever got her
pregnant I wouldn't be able to forgive myself.

Matt Lucas's ex-partner hanged himself this week. Matt is said to be distraught but on a lighter
note, is now the only gay in the village.

A little girl walks into her parents' bedroom..

" Holy Fuck" she screams "And YOU want ME to see a doctor about sucking my thumb...!!

Wee Irish boy crying by the side of the road.

A man asks "What's wrong?"
Boy says "Me Ma is dead"
"Oh bejaysus" the man says "Do you want me to get Father O'Riley ?"
Wee boy replies"No thanks Mister, sex is the last ting on me moind roight now."

Once upon a time a guy asked a girl "Will you marry me?" . The girl said "No" and she lived happily
ever after. She went shopping, drank vodka with friends, always had a clean house, never had to
cook, had a wardrobe full of shoes and bags, stayed skinny and was never farted upon. The End.

Just had a call from a charity asking me to donate some of my clothes to the starving people of the
world. Told them to " Fuck Off". Anyone who fits into my clothes isn't starving!!!

Japanese scientists have now created a digital camera with such a fast speed that it's now possible to
take a photograph of a woman with her gob shut.

Turned on my Satnav and it said 'Bear Left' and there was the zoo. How good is that?

I hate all this terrorist business. I used to love the days when you could look at an unattended bag on
the train or bus and think " I'm fucking having that!"

Man lost in a hot air balloon over Ireland. He looks down and sees a farmer and shouts to him,
"Where am I?"
The Irish farmer looks up and shouts back "You can't kid me ya b ' stard, you're in that feckin
basket!"
Paddy is cleaning his rifle and accidentally shoots his wife. He dials 999.
Paddy says "It's my wife, I've accidentally shot her. I've killed her"
Operator "Please calm down sir. Can you first make sure she really is dead?"
CLICK,BANG
Paddy "OK, done that, what next?

A man invites his mate back home for dinner. His wife screams at him, "I've not done my hair, not
done my makeup, not done any housework, not done the dishes & can't be bothered with cooking!
What the f**k did you invite him round for?" "’Cos he's thinking of getting married."

Bar

Four fonts walk into a bar The barman says "Oi - get out! We don't want your type in here"

A jump-lead walks into a bar. The barman says "I'll serve you, but don't start anything"

A priest, a rabbi and a vicar walk into a bar. The barman says, "Is this some kind of joke?"

A sandwich walks into a bar. The barman says "Sorry we don't serve food in here"

Dyslexic man walks into a bra

A seal walks into a club...

A man walks into a bar with a roll of tarmac under his arm and says: "Pint please, and one for the
road."

A three-legged dog walks into a saloon in the Old West. He slides up to the bar and announces: "I'm
looking for the man who shot my paw."

Pirate walks into a bar, with a steering wheel stuffed down the front of his pants. Barman says "Why
the steering wheel?" Pirate says "Arrrr!!!! It's driving me nuts !!"

A bear walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I’ll have a whisky and ……… soda.’ The bartender
says, ‘Why the big pause?’ ‘Dunno,’ says the bear. ‘I’ve always had them.’

A fish walks into a bar. The bartender says, ‘What do you want?’ The fish croaks, ‘Water.’

A group of fonts walk into a bar. ‘Get out of my pub!’ shouts the barman. ‘We don’t serve your type
in here.’

A horse walks into a bar and orders a drink. The bartender says, ‘Why the long face?’
A man walks into a bar with a lump of tarmac under his arm. ‘What would you like?’ asks the
barman. The man replies, ‘A pint of beer and one for the road.’

A skeleton walks into a bar and says, ‘I’d like a beer and a mop…’

A woman walks into a bar and asks for a double entendre – so the barman gives her one.

A dyslexic man walks into a bra...

Two blonde women walk into a bar - you would have thought one of them would have spotted it.

A woman and a duck walk into a bar. The bartender says, "Where'd you get the pig." The woman
says, "That's not a pig, that's a duck." He says, "I was talking to the duck."

A termite walks into a bar and says is the bartender here?

A duck walks into a bar, orders a beer, and tells the bartender, put it on my bill

A pair of jump leads walk into a bar. The bartender says "I'll serve you, but just don't start anything."

A pony walks into a bar and says "Bartender, may I have a drink?" Bartender says "What? I can't hear
you. speak up!"
"May I please have a drink?"
"What? You have to speak up!"
"Could I please have a drink?"
"Now listen, if you don't speak up I will not serve you."
"I'm sorry, I'm just a little hoarse."

James Bond walks into a bar and takes a seat next to a very attractive woman. He gives the woman a
quick glance and then casually takes a look at his watch. The woman notices this and asks, “Is your
date running late?” “No,” he replies. “Q’s just given me a state-of-the-art watch and I was testing it
out.” Intrigued, the woman asks, “A state-of-the-art watch? What’s so special about it?” Bond coolly
explains, “It uses alpha waves to talk telepathically.” The lady says, “So what’s it telling you now?”
“Well, it says you’re not wearing any panties,” says Bond. The woman giggles and replies, “Well, it
must be broken because I am wearing panties!” Bond shakes his head, taps his watch and says,
“Damn thing’s an hour fast.”

An old, blind cowboy wanders into an all-girl biker bar by mistake. He finds his way to a bar stool and
orders some coffee.
After sitting there for a while, he yells to the waiter, 'Hey, you wanna hear a blonde joke?'
The bar immediately falls absolutely silent.
In a very deep, husky voice, the woman next to him says,
'Before you tell that joke, Cowboy, I think it's only fair, given that you're blind, there's five things that
you should know:
1. The bartender is a blonde girl with a baseball bat.
2. The bouncer is a blonde girl.
3. I'm a 6-foot tall, 175-pound blonde woman with a black belt in karate.
4. The woman sitting next to me is blonde and a professional weightlifter.
5. The lady to your right is blonde and a professional wrestler.
'Now, think about it seriously, Mister. Do you still wanna tell that joke?'
The blind cowboy thinks for a second, shakes his head, and mutters, 'Nope...not if I've gotta explain
it five times.'

A little pig walks into a bar, orders a drink and asks direction to the lavatories. The barman tells him
where the gents are and the pig hurries off to relieve himself. A second little pig then comes in,
orders a drink and asks for the lavatories. Again the barman tells the pig where to go and the pig
hurries away. A third little pig then appears and orders a drink. ‘I suppose you’ll want to know where
the toilets are,’ says the barman. ‘No,’ replies the pig. ‘I’m the one that goes wee-wee-wee all the
way home.’

A man walks into a bar and orders 20 pints of Guinness. He lines them up on the bar and announces
that he’ll give £100 to the man who can drink all of them. Patrick sticks up his hand and says he’d like
a go if the man can wait half an hour. Patrick then leaves the pub, comes back 30 minutes later and
downs the 20 pints one after another. The man is impressed and hands over the money, ‘But tell
me,’ he asks. ‘Where did you go to for that half an hour?’ ‘Ah, well,’ says Patrick. ‘Before I took your
bet I popped to the pub next door to see if I could do it.’

A man walks into a bar and orders six whiskies. He lines them up in a row and knocks back the first,
third, and fifth glasses. Then he gets up to leave. ‘Don’t you want the others?’ asks the barman.
‘You’ve only had three of your whiskies.’ ‘Best not,’ replies the man. ‘My doctor said it was only okay
to have the odd drink.’

A man walks into a bar and says to the bartender, ‘I want you to give me 12-year scotch, and don’t
try to fool me, because I can tell the difference.’ The bartender is sceptical and decides to try to trick
the man with five-year scotch. The man takes a sip, scowls and says, ‘Bartender, this crap is five-year
scotch. I told you I want 12-year scotch.’ The bartender tries once more with eight-year scotch. The
man takes a sip, grimaces and says, ‘Bartender, I don’t want eight-year scotch. Give me 12-year
scotch!’ Impressed, the bartender gets the 12-year scotch. The man takes a sip and sighs, ‘Ah, now
that’s the real thing.’ A drunk has been watching this with great interest. He stumbles over, sets a
glass down in front of the man, and says, ‘Hey, try this one.’ The man takes a sip and immediately
spits it out again, ‘Yechhh! This stuff tastes like piss!’ The drunk says, ‘Yeah. Now how old am I?’

Duck walks into a bar. Says to the bar tender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." Bar tender says, "Sorry,
don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
Next day, duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts." Bar tender replies, "I already told
you I don't sell peanuts!" The duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts!" Bar tender yells back, "I told
you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" So the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "Do you have any nails?" Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't have
nails." Duck asks, "Do you have any peanuts?"
Duck walks into a bar. Says to the bar tender, "I'd like to buy some peanuts." Bar tender says, "Sorry,
don't sell peanuts." The duck leaves.
Next day, duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts." Bar tender replies, "I already told
you I don't sell peanuts!" The duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "I want to buy some peanuts!" Bar tender yells back, "I told
you, I don't sell peanuts! If you ask one more time, I'll nail you to the wall!" So the duck leaves.
Next day, the duck walks into the bar, "Do you have any nails?" Bar tender says, "Sorry, don't have
nails." Duck asks, "Do you have any peanuts?"

A guy walks into a bar with his pet monkey. He orders a drink and while he's drinking, the monkey
jumps all around the place. The monkey grabs some olives off the bar and
eats them. Then he grabs some sliced limes and eats them. He then jumps onto the pool table and
grabs one of the billiard balls. To everyone's amazement, he sticks it in
his mouth, and somehow swallows it whole. The bartender screams at the guy, "Did you see what
your monkey just did?"
"No, what?"
"He just ate the cue ball off my pool table... whole!"
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy, "he eats everything in sight. Sorry! I'll pay for the
cue ball and stuff."
The guy finishes his drink, pays his bill, pays for the stuff the monkey ate and leaves.
Two weeks later the guy is in the bar again, and has his monkey with him. He orders a drink and the
monkey starts running around the bar again. While the man is finishing
his drink, the monkey finds a maraschino cherry on the bar. He grabs it, sticks it up his butt, pulls it
out, and eats it.
Then the monkey finds a peanut, and again sticks it up his butt, pulls it out, and eats it.
The bartender is disgusted. "Did you see what your monkey did just now?"
"No, what?" replied the man.
"Well, he stuck both a maraschino cherry and a peanut up his butt, pulled them out, and ate them!"
said the bartender.
"Yeah, that doesn't surprise me," replied the guy. "He still eats everything in sight, but ever since he
had to shit that cue ball out, he measures everything first now."