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Oops, The Waiter Did It!

One evening, a very attractive young lady was sitting in a fine restaurant patiently waiting her date. While waiting, she decided to make sure that she looked perfect for him. So the young lady bends down in her chair in order to get a mirror from her purse. Then just as the waiter walks up, she accidentally farts quite loudly. The lady immediately sat up straight, embarrassed and red faced, sure that everyone in the place had heard her. Quickly she turns to the waiter and demands, "Stop That!" The waiter looks at her dryly and says, "Sure lady. Which way was it headed?"

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Good Hygiene Will Really Wow The Doctor

Radio stations routinely pay money to people so that they will tell their most embarrassing stories on the air. Here is the what is believed to be a story of a "lucky" winner of one of these contests. I was due later that week for an appointment with the gynecologist, when early one morning I received a call from his office saying that I had been rescheduled for early that morning at 9:30 AM. I had just packed everyone off to work and school and it was around 8:45 already. The trip to his office usually took about 35 minutes so I didn't have any time to spare. As most women do, I'm sure, I like to take a little extra effort over hygiene when making such visits, but this time I wasn't going to be able to make the full effort. So I rushed upstairs, threw off my dressing gown, wet the washcloth and gave myself a wash in "that area" in front of the sink, taking extra care to make sure that I was presentable. I threw the washcloth in the clothesbasket, donned some clothes, hopped in the car and raced to my appointment. I was in the waiting room only a few minutes when he called me in. Knowing the procedure, as I am sure all women do, I hopped up on the table, looked over at the other side of the room and pretended I was in Hawaii or some other place a million miles away from here. I was a little surprised when he said, "My... we have taken a little extra effort this morning, haven't we?" but I didnt respond. The appointment over, I heaved a sigh of relief and went home. The rest of the day went normal, some shopping, cleaning and the evening meal, etc. At 8:30 that evening my 14 year old daughter was getting ready for a school dance, when she called down from the bathroom, "Mom... where's my washcloth?" I told her to get another from the cabinet. She called back, "No, I need the one that was here by the sink. It had all my glitter and sparkles in it."

_____________________________________________________________________________________ Honesty is the best policy, but insanity is a better defense. Everything should be made as simple as possible, but no simpler. You cannot tell which way the train went by looking at the track. Depression is merely anger without enthusiasm. Great minds discuss ideas. Average minds discuss events. Small minds discuss people. __________________________________________________

The Ultimate VIP

The Pope has just finished a tour of the Napa Valley and is taking a limousine to San Francisco. Having never driven a limo, he asks the chauffeur if he can drive for a while. Since the chauffeur really doesn't have much of a choice, he climbs in the back of the limo and the Pope takes the wheel. The Pope proceeds down Silverado, and starts accelerating to see what the limo can do. He gets to about 90 MPH, and suddenly he sees the red & blue lights of the highway patrol in his mirror. He pulls over and the trooper comes to his window. The trooper, seeing who it is, says, 'Just a moment please, I need to call in.' The trooper calls in and asks for the chief. He tells the chief that he's got a REALLY important person pulled over, and asks how he should handle it. 'It's not Ted Kennedy again is it?' asks the chief. 'No Sir!' replies the trooper, 'This guy's more important.' 'Is it the Governor?' asks the chief. 'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper. 'Is it the PRESIDENT??? asks the chief. 'No! Even more important!' replies the trooper. 'Well WHO THE HECK is it?' screams the chief. 'I don't know Sir.' replies the trooper, 'but he's got the Pope as his chauffeur.'

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The Portrait

A woman decided to have her portrait painted. She told the artist, "Paint me with diamond rings, a diamond necklace, emerald bracelets, a ruby broach, and gold Rolex." "But you are not wearing any of those things," he replied. "I know," she said. "It's in case I should die before my husband. I'm sure he will remarry right away, and I want his new wife to go crazy looking for the jewelry."

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A New Car

A priest and a rabbi operated a church and a synagogue across the street from each other. Since their schedules intertwined, they decided to go in together to buy a car. After the purchase, they drove it home and parked it on the street between them. A few minutes later, the rabbi looked out and saw the priest sprinkling water on their new car. It didn't need a wash, so he hurried out and asked the priest what he was doing. "I'm blessing

it," the priest replied. The rabbi considered this a moment, then went back inside the synagogue. He reappeared a moment later with a hacksaw, walked over to the back of the car and cut off two inches of the tailpipe.

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I Don't Want To Go To School

Early one morning, a mother went in to wake up her son. "Wake up, son. It's time to go to school!" "But why, Mom? I don't want to go." "Give me two reasons why you don't want to go." "Well, the kids hate me for one, and the teachers hate me also!" "Oh, that's no reason not to go to school. Come on now and get ready." "Give me two reasons why I should go to school." "Well, for one, you're 52 years old. And for another, you're the PRINCIPAL!"

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Did I Miss The Second Act?

A man took his wife to a Broadway show. During the first intermission he had to take a leak in the meanest way, so he hurried to find the bathrooms. He searched in vain for the restrooms, but instead all he found was a beautiful fountain with foliage. Nobody was watching, so he decided to take a leak right there. When he finally got back into the auditorium, the second act had already begun. He searched in the dark until he found his wife. "Did I miss much of the second act?" he asked. "Miss it?" she said, "You were in it!"

I Bet You Would Defend Satan Himself

A Chicago lawyer named George successfully defends a major crime lord from charges of dealing drugs, racketeering, murder, kidnapping, and selling arms. As he is leaving the courtroom, an indignant old woman grabs him by the arm. "Young man, where are your Christian scruples? I believe you would defend Satan himself!" "I don't know," George says, "what has your kid done?" ____________________________________________________-

Do not waste today regretting yesterday. A man with a watch knows what time it is. A man with two watches is never sure. He who bites his own dog barks last. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be. When someone points skyward, it's the fool that looks at the finger.

God Speaks Billboards

Some new billboards are popping up all along major highways all over the country depicting some things God might say. The billboards are a simple black background with white text with no fine print or sponsoring organization listed. Here's a list of all variations of the "God Speaks" billboards. Let's meet at my house Sunday before the game. -God C'mon over and bring the kids. -God What part of "Thou Shalt Not..." didn't you understand? -God We need to talk. -God Keep using my name in vain, I'll make rush hour longer. -God Loved the wedding, invite me to the marriage. That "Love Thy Neighbor" thing... I meant it. I love you and you and you and you and... -God Will the road you're on get you to my place? Follow me. -God -God -God -God

Big bang theory, you've got to be kidding. -God My way is the highway. -God Need directions? -God You think it's hot here? -God Have you read my #1 best seller? There will be a test. -God

Do you have any idea where you're going? -God (And my personal favorite...) Don't make me come down there. -God

It All Happened One Day In Eden...

"Lord, I have a problem!" "What's the problem, Eve?"

"Lord, I know you've created me and have provided this beautiful garden and all of these wonderful animals and that hilarious comedy snake, but I'm just not happy." "Why is that, Eve?" came the reply from above. "Lord, I am lonely. And I'm sick to death of apples." "Well, Eve, in that case, I have a solution. I shall create a man for you." "What's a 'man,' Lord?" "This man will be a flawed creature, with aggressive tendencies, an enormous ego and an inability to empathize or listen to you properly, he'll basically give you a hard time. He'll be bigger, faster, and more muscular than you. He'll be really good at fighting and kicking a ball about and hunting fleet-footed ruminants, But, he'll be pretty good in the sack." "I can put up with that," says Eve, with an ironically raised eyebrow. "Yeah well, he's better than a poke in the eye with a burnt stick. But, there is one condition." "What's that, Lord?" "You'll have to let him believe that I made him first

The Bride
A small tourist hotel was all abuzz about an afternoon wedding where the groom was 95 and the bride was 23. The groom looked pretty feeble and the feeling was that the wedding night might kill him, because his bride was a healthy, vivacious young woman. But lo and behold, the next morning, the bride came down the main staircase slowly, step by step, hanging onto the banister for dear life. She finally managed to get to the counter of the little shop in the hotel. The clerk looked really concerned, "Whatever happened to you, honey? You look like you've been wrestling an alligator!" The bride groaned, hung on to the counter and managed to speak, "Ohhh God! He told me he'd been saving up for 75 years, and I thought he meant his money!!"

Children At The Dinner Party

During a dinner party, the hosts' two little children entered the dining room totally nude and walked slowly around the table. The parents were so embarrassed that they pretended nothing was happening and kept the conversation going.

The guests cooperated and also continued as if nothing extraordinary was happening. After going all the way around the room, the children left. As they disappeared out of sight, there was a moment of silence at the table, during which one child was heard to say, "You see, it IS vanishing cream!" ________________________________________________