Moving on

I thought it would be easy to move on but it really isn’t, and it isn’t supposed to be easy when you
gave someone your all, when you depended on someone to be the source of your happiness, when
you depended on someone to be your safe place, your comfort zone, your special someone that
meant the world to you for whom you’d sacrifice anything in an instant, so no it isn’t supposed to be
easy.

We’ve spent more time apart than we did together and that fact alone should be more than enough
for me to face the reality of you never coming back. Quite frankly this state of denial is the only
thing keeping me from breaking down, from completely shutting down and from falling into this hole
of sadness and despair that i dug for myself.

Why’d you have to leave? I know why but still, was i so non-essential that we couldn’t come to a
compromise? I try to focus on just the bad memories but I can’t deny that the good outweighed the
bad tenfold, which may as well be the only reason i want you back so much that it’s tearing me up
inside.

That feeling of emptiness, the one you feel in your stomach, the one that feels like you were ripped
open and a part of you was taken. That feeling hasn’t gone nor did it shrink, the way i feel it’s only
growing and festering inside of me.

This would all be so easy if i could just forget. But how do i forget? How do i forget the times i held
you in my arms, the times i told you that i loved you, the times we kissed, hugged or held hands?
How? It’s not that easy. Nothing is easy. What we had wasn’t easy either. Wasn’t easy for me and it
sure wasn’t easy for you but still it could’ve have worked, we could’ve been happy, we could’ve have
worked through this.

I’m weak. I broke my promise of never talking to you again. This was all to make you happy in the
first place. Maybe I’m just selfish, maybe that’s why I couldn’t leave you alone, maybe because if
you were happy and i was miserable that didn’t seem okay to me and me being selfish is the cause
to all our fights.

You hate me. You hate me for the things i did and in turn i hate myself for the same reasons. You
hate me and that’s why you’ll never try to make things right. Everything i say is a lie in your eyes
because your hatred for me is stronger than the love we once had. Everytime you say something it
hurts more than a bullet wound and it lingers, the pain doesn’t go away it stays with me as a way to
haunt me for the things i said to you. As a way to remind me of the person i am.
This would’ve have been easier for me if you left me with something to hate you for but, you didn’t.
What you did at the time you had your reasons but for what i did there’s no reason except pure
idiocy. I wish i could tell you I’m sorry, i wish i could make you believe that I’m sorry, i wish that
you’d accept my apology and come back but i know that all of this wishful thinking will amount to
nothing.

You’re gone and I’m going to have to deal with it. You’re gone and your not coming back. You’re
gone and you left me with something amazing. You left me with the feeling of love, you showed how
love could be and how love is the most amazing thing ever but at the same time it terrifies me. It
terrifies me that i was so blinded by love I didn’t see problems. The problems that were there from
the start. The problems which i choosed to ignore because i thought that us being in love would
make them irrelevant. I was wrong.

I loved you. I loved you and everything that came with you. The arguments, the fights, the laughs,
the smiles, the feeling of warmth when you said “i love you” and the dread the came with you being
upset. But i did love you and it was pure.

In the end everything didn’t go the way i wanted it to go but i still had the time of my life being with
you. I love you and i always will.

I love you.