DISENCHANTED!

BOOK, MUSIC & LYRICS BY

DENNIS T. GIACINO

DEVELOPED WITH
FIELY MATIAS

SAFE-ON-STAGE VERSION
SCHOOL EDITION

SHOW PERUSAL

07/29/20
Disenchanted! High School Edition
Copyright © 2006 - 2020 by Dennis T. Giacino

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 The Safe-On-Stage collection consists of suggestions from a theatrical perspective
only. Broadway Licensing/Playscripts does not guarantee that following these
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department’s COVID-19 guidelines.
 TIPS FOR YOUR SAFE-ON-STAGE PRODUCTION

• All shared props being tossed or touched by more than 1 person: The prop
should be wiped down with sanitizer before and after each scene. Props that are
worn should not be shared. (ie. hats)
• All backstage workers should wear masks throughout the duration of their time
at work.
• Anyone responsible for cleaning/disinfecting should wear gloves while cleaning,
change gloves frequently and wash/sanitize hands when gloves are taken off.
• Hand sanitizer should be available and easily accessible backstage. Perhaps even
to be used between scenes when actors are coming on and off stage.
• Anyone changing props onstage should sanitize hands before and after moving
and touching items.
• Any props should be sanitized again after each show, prior to next show. Things
that cannot be wiped down should be sprayed with disinfecting spray and
allowed to dry.
• Backstage areas for changing costumes and waiting should allow for social
distancing space between actors and staff.
• Obviously if anyone is sick they cannot come to work. Reminding workers of
symptoms to watch for or screening prior to the performance might be helpful.
• If possible, actors should not sing or speak directly in the direction of other actors
unless at least 10 feet apart to be extra cautious.
• Post signs in the backstage areas reminding everyone of social distancing
guidelines.
• If practical, mark six feet on the floor with tape as a reminder of distance.
• Overall good hand hygiene and frequent sanitizing of surfaces will be most
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The tips above are meant as suggestions for a safe theatre environment. Broadway
Licensing/Playscripts does not guarantee that following these suggestions will prevent
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the CDC guidelines for safe interaction.
 Disenchanted! High School Edition
Vocal Ranges

nœ #œ #œ
SNOW WHITE CINDERELLA SLEEPING BEAUTY

& & &

nœ nœ bœ

nœ
BELLE HUA MULAN THE LITTLE MERMAID

#œ nœ
& & &
nœ nœ nœ
THE PRINCESS WHO

#œ
POCAHONTAS RAPUNZEL KISSED THE FROG

nœ #œ
& & &
nœ #œ
nœ
PRINCESS

nœ
BADROULBADOUR

&
nœ
 ‘DISENCHANTED!’
CASTING

Disenchanted! is written to celebrate and represent inclusivity

and diversity featuring women of all shapes, sizes, races,
ethnicities, sexual orientations, and ages (14+ for the School
Edition). The use of make-up to portray princesses of color in
Disenchanted! is strictly prohibited (e.g. blackface, brownface,
yellowface).

The Disenchanted! princesses, based on the women from the original

fairy tales written by Grimm, Perrault, de Villeneuve, as well as
historical accounts, comment on and parody the princess culture.
They are strong, independent women who, through a magic spell,
leave the bookshelves behind and come to life to set the record
straight about the way they’re portrayed in today’s pop culture.
They are anything but damsels in distress. #PrincessesUnite!

CHARACTER BREAKDOWNS

SNOW WHITE
Brassy and self-assured. The leader of the princess pack who likes
to be in control. Also has a loving, maternal instinct. Aspires
to be perfect, but she soon realizes that being perfectly ‘you’ is
more important. Inclusive and diverse casting encouraged.

CINDERELLA
Perky, quirky, and impish. She’s always enthusiastic, especially
when it comes to being a real-life princess, but is about to
discover that there’s more to being a princess than pretty gowns
and shiny glass slippers. Inclusive and diverse casting
encouraged.

SLEEPING BEAUTY
The perfect comic foil to Snow White. Always the flippant and
unpredictable cut-up.She loves to dance (sometimes uncontrollably)
and is a fantastic physical comedienne. She enjoys being perfectly
and uniquely herself. Inclusive and diverse casting encouraged.

HUA MULAN
A legendary folk hero of Asian descent from the poem The Ballad of
Mulan. She has a good-natured sense of humor while maintaining a
respect for her culture. She is excited to come out onstage and,
through her heartfelt story, reveal her true self.

2
THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
Having been left out of the kingdom for decades, this Black
princess is here to claim her throne and celebrate inclusivity and
diversity in fairy tales. Confident; clever with a turn of phrase,
loves a funny pop culture reference. Wonderfully witty; joyous.

THE LITTLE MERMAID

Once innocent and obedient, she’s now rowdy and rebellious. Having
regretfully given up her seemingly idyllic life under the sea, she
copes with her new reality through inappropriate yet hilarious
comedy. She is the life of the party! Inclusive and diverse
casting encouraged.

POCAHONTAS
Plucky, valiant. She has been homogenized by an entertainment
industry willing to distort her true Native-American story just to
sell cinema tickets. As she comically mocks her glammed up
portrayal in Hollywood cartoons, she is on a journey to restore
her authentic, historical self.

BELLE
A smart and witty bookworm from classic French lit who inexplicably
speaks and sings with an American accent. She chats with inanimate
objects, cleans up after her beast of a husband … and it’s slowly
driving her insane. Inclusive and diverse casting encouraged.

PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR
Originally from the South-Asian-turned-Middle-Eastern Aladdin
sagas, this sultan’s daughter has had enough of being secondary in
her own tale. Misogyny begone! It’s a whole new world and this
independent and puckish princess is taking her story back!

RAPUNZEL
American capitalism won’t turn this campy, Mel Brooksian
songstress into a damsel in distress. Nein! Brunehildesque,
strong, and fun-loving, she’s bent on getting her fair share from
those who make bank off fairy tale princesses. Inclusive and
diverse casting encouraged.

CHORUS: A chorus of unnamed, non-speaking, non-specific princes

and princesses may be added to Disenchanted! The members of the
chorus may only sing in group numbers and are NOT permitted to
have dialogue nor solos. The chorus must be referred to as ‘THE
ROYAL COURT’ in the program, cast listings, posters, etc. and must
NOT be based on any existing public domain or copyright-protected
character from any medium (ie. storybook, fairy tale, film, radio,
television, internet, etc.). Inclusive and diverse casting
encouraged.

3
BAND
The Disenchanted! band/combo consists of three instruments:

Piano/Keyboard
Electric Bass
Drum - Full kit w/SFX sampling pad

*Disenchanted! may be performed with piano only.

INTERMISSION/INTERVAL
Disenchanted! is performed with one fifteen-minute
intermission/interval.

4
DISENCHANTED! - AUTHOR’S NOTE

Welcome to the kingdom of Disenchanted! princesses! These

wonderfully empowered and funny women have come together in a
vaudeville-variety show to tell the truth about living happily
ever after. This band of royal renegades storm the proverbial
castle, all the while hilariously poking holes in the age-old
tenets of The Princess Complex.

Y’know, The Princess Complex — that tired old notion prevalent in

fairy tales in which it is believed that a woman is only valid and
desirable if she is a ditzy, insecure, Bambi-like waif; a helpless
damsel in distress who does nothing more than sit around and wait
for her prince to come. The Princess Complex is the antagonist of
Disenchanted! — the “big bad” that our fairy tale heroines speak
out against through song, dance and comedy skits in the hopes that
they can dispel its power.

All the princesses of Disenchanted! are none too happy with the
way they’re portrayed in today’s pop culture as helpless and weak.
They’ve come to life to set the record straight and give The
Princess Complex, today’s animated movies and theme park shows, as
well as those tired ol’ fairy tales “the bird.” The Disenchanted!
princesses are strong and confident as they put forth the idea
that self-acceptance and being perfectly ‘you’ while accepting
others in all their uniqueness is truly what living happ’ly ever
after is all about!

Beneath the comedy, slapstick and broad farce that plays out in
the Disenchanted! vaudeville, there is a very important
conversation taking place between the princesses and the
audience throughout the show. There is no fourth wall as the
princesses regale the crowd with their twisted tales of not-so-
happily ever after.

5
Always keep in mind that Disenchanted! is a fast and furious
musical-comedy first. Play the camp, satire, and farce on top and
let the drama, the darker subtext in the show, speak for itself.
The show tackles such subjects as body image, race, sexual
orientation, cultural appropriation, misogyny, and the obsession
with the princess culture that aims to homogenize us all. It’s
best to let these hot button topics, to which we all can relate,
catch the audience by surprise. The messages in the show play
more powerfully when discovered beneath the laughter - y’know, a
spoonful of sugar.

Remember, this ain’t a drama, folks, rather it’s a thinking

person’s musical-parody. Have a blast while you cast, direct, and
perform Disenchanted! with truth, heart, diversity, sensitivity,
and a wicked sense of humor.

Enjoy! Princesses unite!

Dennis T. Giacino (Book, Music, Lyrics) & Fiely Matias (Co-

creator/Off-Broadway Director)

6
 ’DISENCHANTED!’
Musical Numbers and Characters

ACT I

#1 One More Happ’ly Ever After (Snow White,

Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty) . . . . . . . . . . . .9

#2 Insane! (Belle, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty) . . . .19

#3 Cinderella’s Strut #1 (Underscore) . . . . . . . . .24

#4 Without The Guy (Hua Mulan) . . . . . . . . . . . . 25

#5 Perfect 1st Attempt (Underscore) . . . . . . . . . .27

#6 Two Legs (The Little Mermaid, Cinderella,

Snow White) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 29

#7 Pocahontas’ Theme (Underscore) . . . . . . . . . . .36

#8 For The Rest Of Our Lives (Snow White, Cinderella,

Sleeping Beauty, Pocahontas) . . . . . . . . . . . .38

#9 Honestly (Pocahontas) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 41

#10 Perfect 2nd Attempt (Underscore) . . . . . . . . . .43

#11 Finally (Snow White, Cinderella, The Princess

Who Kissed The Frog, Hua Mulan, The Little
Mermaid) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .45

#12 Intermission (Underscore) . . . . . . . . . . . . . 50

7
ACT II

#13 Entr’acte / Finally (Reprise - Instrumental) . . . .51

#14 Not Vone Red Cent (Rapunzel, Snow White,

Cinderella) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 52

#15 Secondary Princess (Princess Badroulbadour) . . . . 61

#16 Cinderella’s Strut #2 (Underscore) . . . . . . . . .63

#17 All I Wanna Do Is Eat (Cinderella, Snow White,

The Little Mermaid, The Princess Who Kissed
The Frog, Hua Mulan, Sleeping Beauty) . . . . . . . 64

#18 Cinderella & Hua Mulan (Underscore) . . . . . . . . 70

#19 A Happy Tune? (Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping

Beauty) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 71

#20 Perfect (Sleeping Beauty, The Little Mermaid,

The Princess Who Kissed The Frog, Cinderella,
Hua Mulan, Snow White) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . .78

#20a OMFG / Snow White’s Rimshot (Underscore) . . . . . .82

#21 Once Upon A Time (Snow White, Sleeping Beauty,

Cinderella, The Princess Who Kissed The Frog,
The Little Mermaid, Hua Mulan) . . . . . . . . . . .83

#22 Bows / One More Happ’ly Ever After (Reprise)

(Company) . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . . 86

#23 Exit Music / Perfect (Reprise - Instrumental) . . . 87

8
 ’DISENCHANTED!’
ACT I SCENE - THIS THEATER
TIME - NOW (FOR THE NEXT 115 MINUTES)

(at rise, houselights and stage pre-

set...the stage is adorned with all
the trappings of a variety show...
woman-empowering pre-show music

O l
TI sa
fills the theater...at curtain, the
pre-show music fades)

C ru
N
ANNOUNCER (V.O.)
Welcome to the (name of theater). Before our show begins, we

U e
ask that you please silence all cell phones and mobile devices.
Photography and audio recording of any kind during the

D P
performance is strictly prohibited. And now...

O ng
(drum roll; tremolo)

From lands far, far away and long ago...live, on this stage,
i
PR ns
brought to you by The Princess Complex...here they are, your
hosts for ‘DISENCHANTED!’ Please welcome Snow White,
Cinderella, and Sleeping Beauty!
R ce

(THREE WOMEN are revealed, standing in

fog...each of the WOMEN hold a book as
i
FO L

if reading a story)
T ay

#1 ONE MORE HAPP’LY EVER AFTER

N dw

SNOW WHITE
(reading from a book with an apple on the cover)
And with one kiss from the handsome prince, Snow White opened
oa

her eyes. She instantly fell in love with the prince and soon
after...
O
Br

(chord from the BAND)

...they were married.

CINDERELLA
(reading from a book with a
glass slipper on the cover)
The prince placed a glass slipper on Cinderella’s foot. The
slipper fit perfectly. She instantly fell in love with the
prince and soon after...

9
 (chord from the BAND)

CINDERELLA (CONT.)
...they were married.

SLEEPING BEAUTY
(reading from a book with a spinning
wheel on the cover)
Sleeping Beauty was kissed by a very handsome prince and she

O l
awoke from a hundred-year sleep. She instantly fell in love

TI sa
with the prince and soon after...

(a glazed, frightened look washes over her face)

C ru
N
...they were married.

U e
D P
SNOW WHITE
And they lived...

O ng
ALL THREE
Happily ever after.
i
PR ns
SNOW WHITE
Well...
R ce

ALL THREE
Not exactly.
i
FO L

SNOW WHITE
(to BAND)
T ay

Hit it!
N dw

YOU CAN CALL ME SNOW

LIPS CHERRY RED
A MILLION DOLLAR CROWN WITH SHINY JEWELS
SITS ON MY PRETTY, LITTLE HEAD
oa

A CASTLE ON A HILL
O
Br

A HANDSOME PRINCE FOR KISSING

THERE’S NOTHING THAT’S GONE MISSING
FROM THE FAIRY TALES YOU’VE READ

(SNOW WHITE holds the note incredibly

long...as SNOW WHITE takes a breath,
CINDERELLA attempts to sing)

(riffing)

READ

10
 (one more vocal riff from SNOW WHITE
interrupting CINDERELLA’S attempt to
begin her part of the song)

SNOW WHITE (CONT.)

READ

(CINDERELLA waits, not knowing if

SNOW WHITE is done riffing)

O l
TI sa
Go.

CINDERELLA

C ru
N
I OWN BALL GOWNS MADE OF TAFFETA AND SILK
HAIR, LOVELY AS THE DAFFODIL

U e
PEARLS; PURE AND SMOOTH AS MILK

D P
SLEEPING BEAUTY
I DREAM OF NEVER-ENDING YOUTH

O ng
NO WRINKLES AND NO LINES
i SNOW WHITE
PR ns
Would you wake up?

‘CAUSE IT’S TIME WE TOLD THE WORLD THE TRUTH

R ce

ALL THREE
i

THAT ALL THOSE FILMS AND FAIRY TALES

FO L

ARE DRIVING US OUT OF OUR

FREAKIN’ PRINCESS MINDS!
T ay

SNOW WHITE
N dw

AND...JUST
ONE MORE MOMENT LIVING HAPP’LY EVER AFTER SEEMS EXTREME
ONE MORE WHISTLE WHILE I WORK AND I’M SIMPLY GONNA SCREAM!
oa

CINDERELLA
ONE MORE PUMPKIN TURNED TO HORSE AND CARRIAGE
O
Br

SNOW WHITE
(indicating CINDERELLA)
JUST ONE MORE GIRL WHO SITS AND WAITS FOR MARRIAGE

SLEEPING BEAUTY
ONE MORE DAMSEL IN DISTRESS

ALL THREE
AND WE’RE GONNA CLIMB THOSE STAIRS UP TO THE TOWER
AND UPON THE MIDNIGHT HOUR
WE’LL BREATHE IN OUR FINAL BREATHS
11
 ALL THREE (CONT.)
AND TAKE A SWAN DIVE TO OUR DEATHS!

SNOW WHITE
NOW, SOME BELIEVE THAT ALL WE CRAVE IS DIAMOND RINGS
WELL, TONIGHT (TODAY) I’M HERE TO TELL YOU WE WANT MORE

CINDERELLA
WE’D LIKE FEATURE FILMS AND FAIRY TALES

O l
TI sa
SLEEPING BEAUTY
To feature more than girls with veils

C ru
N
SNOW WHITE
WHO RIDE OFF WITH SOME GUY THEY MET ONE PAGE BEFORE

U e
D P
CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY
WE’RE MORE THAN

O ng
ALL THREE
LADIES-IN-WAITING
i
WAITING FOR THE NEXT SOIREE
PR ns
CINDERELLA
OR GARDEN PARTY ON THE ROYAL LAWN!
R ce

SLEEPING BEAUTY
i

What a yawn!
FO L

SNOW WHITE
T ay

ALL US CHICKS
N dw

CINDERELLA
FROM PRINCESS FLICKS

ALL THREE
oa

HAVE SOMETHING MORE TO SAY

O
Br

SNOW WHITE
Than “Help!”

SLEEPING BEAUTY
“Eek!”

CINDERELLA
And “Where’s the ball?”

ALL THREE
WE’RE TIRED OF THAT OL’ TIRED CLICHE!

12
 SNOW WHITE
AND...JUST
ONE MORE ONCE UPON A TIME AND I SWEAR I’LL GO INSANE

SLEEPING BEAUTY
Atta girl!

CINDERELLA
ONE MORE SLIPPER MADE OF GLASS AND I SWEAR I’LL POP A VEIN!

O l
TI sa
SNOW WHITE
ONE MORE PRINCE WHO THINKS HE’S CUTE AND CHARMING

C ru
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
WHO RIDES ‘ROUND THE KINGDOM PUCKERED UP

U e
D P
...it’s alarming!

CINDERELLA

O ng
ONE MORE GUY WITH PERFECT HAIR
i ALL THREE
PR ns
AND OFF WE GO OUT TO THE DRAWBRIDGE FOR A LEAP
WHEN ALL THE GUARDS ARE FAST ASLEEP
AND SINCE WE CANNOT SWIM OR FLOAT
R ce

THEY’LL FIND US FACE DOWN IN THE MOAT!

i

(BAND - Vamp #1)

FO L

SNOW WHITE
T ay

Good evening (afternoon), everyone! I am Snow White! And me

and the girls here...Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty...
N dw

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

Hey!
oa

SNOW WHITE
...are so glad you could join us for our little musical tea
O
Br

party.

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

Uh-huh!

SNOW WHITE
Of course, the tea may be slightly bitter this evening
(afternoon).

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

(mysteriously)
Ooooooooo...
13
 (BAND segues to Vamp #2...darker)

SNOW WHITE
You see, we princesses from the original fairy tales are none
too happy with the way all those “magical” storybooks and
“classic” animated movies, not to mention all those “realistic”
theme park shows portray us.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

O l
They make us look weak!

TI sa
CINDERELLA
Like helpless damsels in distress!

C ru
N
SNOW WHITE

U e
Who do nothing more than sit around and wait for their prince to

D P
come.

(she snaps her fingers...music stops)

O ng
Look at me. Do I look like I need to wait for my prince?
i
PR ns
(SNOW WHITE snaps her fingers...music
returns...Vamp #3 begins)
R ce

Needless to say, we couldn’t just sit on the shelves any longer

and let our names continue to be used worldwide to roll out this
i

...
FO L

ALL THREE
T ay

...evil message!
N dw

SNOW WHITE
(indicating CINDERELLA)
So, with the help of this one’s fairy godmother...
oa

(CINDERELLA waves to the AUDIENCE)

O
Br

...we decided to bippity-boppity bust out...

(SNOW WHITE snaps her fingers...music

stops)

SNOW WHITE (CONT.)

A little “princess show” of our own!

(big downbeat #1...SNOW WHITE poses)

SLEEPING BEAUTY
A royal vaudeville, if you will!
14
 (big downbeats #2 and #3...she poses
on both downbeats)

CINDERELLA
A spellbinding variety hour!

(big downbeats #4, #5, #6...she throws

three poses - one on each downbeat)

O l
SLEEPING BEAUTY

TI sa
A musical extravaganza!

(SLEEPING BEAUTY bumps and grinds

C ru
N
wildly to the drumbeat)

U e
SNOW WHITE

D P
(growing impatient)
STOP IT!

O ng
(SNOW WHITE smiles as she strikes a
‘perfect-princess-hands’ pose...she
i
insists, with a glare, that SLEEPING
PR ns
BEAUTY imitate her...SLEEPING BEAUTY
does so, albeit uncomfortably)
R ce

As I was saying...
i

(SNOW WHITE snaps her fingers...music

FO L

returns...Vamp #4 begins)
T ay

We’ve put together an all-star revue in which we princesses will

actually tell you...the truth. And we’re going to do it right
N dw

here.

CINDERELLA
In this theater!
oa

SLEEPING BEAUTY
O
Br

Tonight! (Today!)

SNOW WHITE
But time is short, my people. We only have until the clock
strikes...

CINDERELLA
Nine-twenty-five!

15
 (*Note: The time reference here is 1:55
minutes after scheduled curtain time.
7:30pm=9:25pm; 8:00pm=9:55pm; 2:00pm matinee
curtain=3:55pm; 3:00pm matinee curtain=4:55pm)

SNOW WHITE
Nine-twenty-five? What happened to midnight?

CINDERELLA

O l
(Evening curtain) Well, nobody wants to sit here ’til midnight.

TI sa
So, I figured you could turn this mother out in about an hour-
and-a-half, which, by theatre law, requires one fifteen-minute
intermission, but I called in a favor and asked my fairy

C ru
N
godmother to give you an extra ten on top of that...

U e
(Matinee curtain) Well, it’s a matinee. Nobody wants to sit

D P
here ’til midnight. So, I figured you could turn this mother
out in an about hour-and-a-half, which, by theatre law, requires
one fifteen-minute intermission, but I called in a favor and

O ng
asked my fairy godmother to give you an extra ten on top of
that...
i
PR ns
(beat)

You’re welcome.
R ce

SNOW WHITE
i

(exasperated)
FO L

Okay, then. Nine-twenty-five it is.

T ay

(to AUDIENCE)
N dw

Well, I guess we better get right to telling you how happily

ever after we really are. Because...

(she cues a drum roll)

oa

Let’s face it. Happily ever after...can be a royal pain in the

O
Br

butt (tuchas)!

(cymbal crash)

AND...JUST
ONE MORE FRIENDLY WOODLAND CREA-“CHAH”
SMILES AT ME
IT GETS MY FIST!

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

AH HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA HA

16
 CINDERELLA
ONE MORE GROUP OF MICE WHO SEW AND IRON CLOTHES
I’LL SLIT MY WRIST

SNOW WHITE & SLEEPING BEAUTY

AND BLEED ALL OVER THE CASTLE

SNOW WHITE
ONE MORE BANQUET IN THE HALL, I’M LEAVING

O l
TI sa
CINDERELLA
JUST ONE MORE WALTZ AROUND THE BALL, I’LL BE HEAVING

C ru
N
SNOW WHITE
ONE MORE RIDE UPON HIS STEED

U e
D P
CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY
AH HA HA HA

O ng
SLEEPING BEAUTY
ONE MORE
i
PR ns
...dragon

TO BE FLEED!
R ce

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

i

AH HA HA HA
FO L

SNOW WHITE
T ay

ONE MORE DAY IS ALL WE

N dw

SNOW WHITE SLEEPING BEAUTY

NEED ONE MORE DAY IS ALL WE

SLEEPING BEAUTY CINDERELLA

oa

NEED ONE MORE DAY IS ALL WE

NEED
O
Br

ALL THREE
BEFORE THESE HAPPY EVER AFTERS
HAVE US SWINGING FROM THE RAFTERS
HOW MUCH MORE CAN WE GIRLS TAKE
BEFORE OUR NECKS WE GLADLY SNAP AND BREAK?!

SNOW WHITE
(mocking a weak, damsel in distress)
OH

17
 ALL THREE
WHAT’S A GIRL TO DO?

(SNOW WHITE gets an idea)

SNOW WHITE
WE’LL STEAL THE HORSES FROM THE STABLE
TROT AS FAST AS WE ARE ABLE

O l
CINDERELLA

TI sa
THROUGH THE FOREST WITH THE NOTION
THAT WE’LL RIDE UP TO THE OCEAN

C ru
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
WHERE WE’LL TAKE OUR FINAL WHIFF

U e
AS WE THREE GALLOP OFF A CLIFF

D P
SNOW WHITE
AND AS WE PLUNGE INTO THE SEAS

O ng
WE’LL CHANNEL THELMA AND LOUISE
i ALL THREE
PR ns
THEN SURELY EV’RYONE WILL SEE
THAT WE’LL DIE EVER HAPPILY
KNOWING THAT
R ce

(all three, in unison, take a huge,

i

comical, deep breath)

FO L

WE’LL
T ay

FINALLY
BE
N dw

SNOW WHITE
(a la Effie in Dreamgirls)
FREE!!!
oa

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

O
Br

FREE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE

SLEEPING BEAUTY
FRE...

(a big, sleepy yawn interrupts her note)

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

WE’LL FINALLY BE FREE!

(final pose...SNOW WHITE dismisses SLEEPING

BEAUTY and CINDERELLA. CINDERELLA exits.)
18
 SNOW WHITE
Now, we’re not the only princesses who’ve got a bone to pick
with, among others, our ol’ buddy Walt.

(SLEEPING BEAUTY stops to listen to SNOW

WHITE)

No, there’s a whole slew of us ready to go all Norma Rae on this

guy!

O l
TI sa
SLEEPING BEAUTY
Yaaaaaa! Norma Rae! All over this guy!

C ru
N
(beat)

U e
I’m gonna go.

D P
(she exits)

O ng
SNOW WHITE
And we’ve come together tonight (today) because...well, folks,
i
let’s talk turkey, shall we? We’ve all fallen prey to The
PR ns
Princess Complex. You know, that age-old idea in which you’re
only desirable and valid if you are a beauty-obsessed, ditzy,
insecure, Bambi-like waif.
R ce

CINDERELLA
i

(popping her head in from offstage)

FO L

Hello!
T ay

(she picks up the book she left behind...

beat...pointing to the book)
N dw

Book.

(CINDERELLA giggles and exits)

oa

SNOW WHITE
O
Br

(indicating CINDERELLA)
Yes...The Princess Complex.

(getting back on track)

Which, by the way, has some terrible side effects. Take, for
instance, my good friend, Belle.

#2 INSANE!

19
 (BELLE appears on a throne, tied up in her
apron strings...her hair is mussed and her
make-up is a mess, lipstick everywhere)

SNOW WHITE (CONT.)

Now, Belle here, hasn’t been feeling quite like herself
lately...but she insisted on sharing her happily-ever-after with
all of you in the hopes that the truth will help her overcome
her tussle with The Princess Complex.

O l
TI sa
BELLE
(with an American accent...all in one breath)
My name is Belle and I’m from a small provincial town in the

C ru
N
north of France and yet I speak with an American accent.

U e
(beat)

D P
And I don’t know why.

O ng
SNOW WHITE
(with great reservation)
i
Ladies and gentlemen...it’s Belle.
PR ns
(SNOW WHITE exits...woodblock...the ticking
sound frightens BELLE)
R ce

BELLE
i

Do you hear that?

FO L

THAT’S THE CLOCK UPON THE MANTLE

T ay

AND HE TALKS ABOUT TIMELY THINGS

I’VE A TEAPOT IN MY KITCHEN
N dw

WHO WHISTLES, AND WALKS, AND SINGS

HAVE YOU MET MY CANDELABRA

WITH ALL HIS FRENCH MEANDERINGS
oa

THIS IS NOT THE WAY MY STORY USED TO BE

O
Br

NOW EV’RYTHING AROUND ME CHATTERS

AND JUST LOVES TO CHEW THE FAT
AND THAT LITTLE CHIPPED CUP
JUST WON’T SHUT UP
HOW LOONEY TUNES IS THAT?

AND SOME OF THEM SOUND BRIT

AND SOME SPEAK EN FRANCAIS
I FIND THAT I’M TRAPPED IN A FAIRY TALE
DONE THE

(maniacal)
20
 BELLE (CONT.)
DISNEY

(pretty again)

WAY

AND I CAN’T HELP BUT THINK...

O l
THIS...IS...INSANE!

TI sa
What the heck?!

C ru
N
HAS MICKEY LOST HIS MIND?
THIS IS SO LAME

U e
THAT A MOUSE COULD BE SO DARN UNKIND

D P
TO A GIRL FROM CLASSIC LIT
WHO BABBLES ON NOW LIKE A TWIT
WITH POTTERY, FURNITURE, CARPETING -

O ng
...I could just spit!
i
PR ns
AND IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE!

(Enter CINDERELLA, dressed as a giant fork

R ce

and SLEEPING BEAUTY, as a giant spoon,

spoofing Broadway’s Beauty and The Beast)
i
FO L

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

INSANE
T ay

AH-AH-AH
N dw

BELLE
THE FLATWARE OFTEN GREETS ME
LIKE SOME HEAVENLY KITCHEN CHOIR
oa

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

AHH-AHH!
O
Br

BELLE
I JUST TOOK A STROLL
WITH THE CASSEROLE
HAD A CHAT WITH THE DEEP FAT FRYER

BELLE CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

AND THE AHH
FORK AND SPOON LIKE OOO
TO DANCE AND CROON OOO OOO
‘ROUND THE DINING ROOM OOO OOO
I’M NO LIAR OOOOOO
21
 BELLE
I’D LIKE TO TAKE THAT MOVIE AND SET IT ON FIRE!
‘CAUSE IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE!

Can’t you see?

This tale as old as time

WENT STRAIGHT DOWN THE DRA-AI-AI-AIN

NOW MY LIFE HAS NO REASON OR RHYME

O l
TI sa
WHEN I EAT
I GET STRESSED
I JUST SIT AT THE TABLE, I’M SO DEPRESSED

C ru
N
‘CAUSE I’M SCARED THAT THE DISHES WILL BREAK INTO

U e
CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

D P
Be...Our...

BELLE

O ng
(as if screaming in pain...cutting them off)
Aaaaaaaaa-aaand
i
PR ns
IT’S DRIVING ME INSANE!

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

R ce

INSANE
AH-AH-AH
i
FO L

BELLE
NOW I
T ay

WANNA CRY
THIS IS SO WACKY
N dw

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

WACKY, WACKY
oa

BELLE
I HAVEN’T ALWAYS BEEN THIS WAY
O
Br

(lilting...a la Skeeter Davis in ‘End Of

The World’)
But then my tale went awry
And slightly off tracky

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

TRACKY, TRACKY

BELLE
WHEN I WENT FROM SMART, WITTY FRENCH GIRL
TO ONE WHO HAS DEEP CONVERSATIONS WITH HER BIDET!
22
 BELLE (CONT.)
And trust me...talking to inanimate objects is the least of my
worries!

LET’S TALK INSANE!

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

CUCKOO!

O l
BELLE

TI sa
DOES ANYONE ELSE THINK IT’S STRANGE
THAT MY PAIN

C ru
N
CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY
AH-AH-AH

U e
D P
BELLE
COMES FROM DATING A GUY

O ng
...who’s got mange?
i
HERE’S THE DIRT, HERE’S THE SCOOP:
PR ns
I’M THE GIRL WHO PICKS UP HER HUSBAND’S POOP

(beat as CINDERELLA and SLEEPING BEAUTY

R ce

react to BELLE’s admission)

i

HOW MUCH LOWER CAN THEY MAKE THIS CHARACTER STOOP?

FO L

THIS IS DRIVING ME INSANE!

T ay

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

N dw

IN-INSANE!

BELLE
I’M FEELING OH SO DESTITUTE
oa

I’M INSANE!
O
Br

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

IN-INSANE!

BELLE
MY GUY SHEDS LIKE A MALAMUTE!
I’M INSANE!

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

IN-INSANE!

BELLE
OO-OO-OO-OO
23
 BELLE (CONT.)
I’M INSANE

SLEEPING BEAUTY
INSANE

CINDERELLA
INSANE

O l
BELLE

TI sa
OOOH

(final pose...CINDERELLA and SLEEPING BEAUTY

C ru
N
exit)

U e
(TAG: realizing that she’s been left alone on

D P
stage, BELLE begins to roll herself offstage
backwards a la a truck backing up)

O ng
BELLE
Beep, beep, beep...
i
PR ns
(she exits)
R ce

#3 CINDERELLA’S STRUT #1 (UNDERSCORE)

i
FO L
T ay

(CINDERELLA enters holding a placard with

the words “AND NOW” printed on it...she
struts...she flips the placard and it reads,
N dw

“MU”...it’s clear that she hasn’t finished

the sign...she has an idea...she pulls a magic
marker out of her dress, removes the cap, and,
oa

while continuing to display the placard to the

AUDIENCE, proceeds to finish MULAN’s name,
O

muttering each letter as she goes)

Br

CINDERELLA
L...A...

(beat...she hasn’t left room for the “N”...

she thinks for a moment and then squeezes in
a tiny, lower case “n”)

n.

(she presents the placard to the AUDIENCE)

24
 CINDERELLA (CONT.)
MOOOOOOOO - LAAAAAN!

(she smiles and struts offstage...hi-hat

on CINDERELLA’s exit)

(HUA MULAN is revealed)

O l
#4 WITHOUT THE GUY

TI sa
C ru
N
HUA MULAN
ASIAN GIRLS ARE PRETTY

U e
WITH THOSE BLOSSOMS IN THEIR HAIR

D P
SO BEAUTIFUL AND DUTIFUL
AND VIRGINAL...

O ng
I swear.
i
SERVING UP A
PR ns
‘NOTHER CUPPA
TEA WITH LOVING CARE
R ce

DONE THAT, BEEN THERE

BUT I AM NO ONE’S GEISHA

i
FO L

‘Cause that’s Japanese.

T ay

(beat)
N dw

AND LET’S NOT IGNORE

IN CHINESE LORE
I WENT TO WAR AND SAVED THE DAY
YES, I DITCHED MY FAN
oa

DRESSED LIKE A MAN

WELL, THAT’S HOW I’M PORTRAYED
O
Br

HEY
I WONDER WHY
I DIDN’T GET THE GUY

THEN IT OCCURRED TO ME THAT I

JUST...MIGHT...BE

LESBIAN
I MIGHT BE LESBIAN

SURE, I WOULD HANG

25
 HUA MULAN (CONT.)
WITH KD LANG
BUT I’M A LITTLE BIT SHY
I MIGHT BE LESBIAN
LESBIAN

AND I’D BE TELLING A LIE, IF I HADN’T THOUGHT

THAT MAYBE THAT’S WHY
I’M THE ONLY PRINCESS HERE

O l
WITHOUT THE GUY

TI sa
HISTORY AND FAIRY TALES WOULD HAVE YOU THINK
THERE’S ONLY ONE WAY FOR A PRINCESS TO GET BY:

C ru
N
BE SUPER CUTE, EAT POISONED FRUIT, FALL COMATOSE

U e
’TIL SOME MAN ON A WHITE HORSE HAPPENS TO HAPPEN BY

D P
AND THEN YOU’RE FLYING HIGH
‘CAUSE YOU THINK YOU NEED A GUY
OR ELSE YOU MIGHT JUST DIE!

O ng
WELL, NOT EV’RY GIRL
i
IS GOWNS AND CURLS
PR ns
GOD KNOWS WE’VE TRIED
FOR SOME OF US
THAT OL’ GRIMM BUS
R ce

JUST UP AND PASSED US BY

BUT THAT DOESN’T MEAN
i

WE DON’T HAVE DREAMS

FO L

OF DAMSELS IN DISTRESS
IT SIMPLY MEANS THOSE SCREAMING GIRLS
T ay

GET SAVED BY SOMEONE IN A DRESS!

N dw

(beat...she ponders a thought)

(matter-of-factly)
oa

Yeah...I might be a lesbian.

O
Br

(beat)

And when I watch ESPN...

I’M A QUEEN
LIKE BILLIE JEAN
NOW IT CAN’T BE SO WRONG
IF THIS DISNEY THESPIAN
WENT “DEGENERES-IAN”

TO TELL YOU THE TRUTH

THOSE FABLES ARE SO LONG IN THE TOOTH
26
 HUA MULAN (CONT.)
AND WHETHER A PRINCESS DECIDES
IF SHE’S GONNA BE THE GROOM OR THE BRIDE

I’M SURE THAT FAIRY TALES WILL BE FINE

WITH SOME GERTRUDE STEIN!

YEAH, I MIGHT BE LESBIAN

AND WHAT’S WRONG WITH LESBIAN?

O l
I CAN RULE KINGDOMS

TI sa
FROM D.C. TO SHANGHAI!

LET’S ALL BE LESBIAN

C ru
N
(a la Eleanor Roosevelt)

U e
D P
MS. ROOSEVELT-IAN
AND LET’S SAY GOODBYE
TO THE SAME OL’ TIRED STANDBY

O ng
THAT OUR HAPPINESS DEPENDS
ON GETTING THE GUY
i
GIVEN THE CHANCE
PR ns
I’LL BE THE ONE WHO’S WEARING THE PANTS
THAT’S WHY I’M THE ONLY PRINCESS HERE
WITHOUT THE GUY
R ce

(softer now)
i
FO L

ASIAN GIRLS ARE PRETTY

WITH THOSE BLOSSOMS IN THEIR HAIR
T ay

SO BEAUTIFUL AND DUTIFUL

DONE THAT - BEEN THERE
N dw

(lights fade slowly to black...HUA MULAN

exits...lights up on SNOW WHITE, who is
holding a mirror...mark tree as she waves
oa

her fingers at the mirror...”magic mirror”

music)
O
Br

#5 PERFECT - 1ST ATTEMPT

SNOW WHITE
Mirror, mirror, in my hand
Why, who’s that I see
As I strike up the band?

27
 (a curtain opens revealing SLEEPING BEAUTY
asleep in an awkward position on BELLE’s
throne...BAND breaks down...SLEEPING BEAUTY
snores)

(with great dismay)

SNOW WHITE (CONT.)

Why, it’s Sleeping Beauty.

O l
TI sa
(SLEEPING BEAUTY snores louder)

Singing a song called...“Perfect.”

C ru
N
(even louder snoring)

U e
D P
That’s perfect.

(playful at first...sing-song)

O ng
Sleeping.
i
PR ns
(more snoring; loud)

Sleeping Beauty!
R ce

(SNOW WHITE laughs nervously)

i
FO L

(to the AUDIENCE, thinking fast)

T ay

Well...it seems we’re having a few...technical difficulties.

N dw

(yelling over her shoulder to backstage)

Close the curtain!

oa

(The curtain closes)

O
Br

(to the AUDIENCE)

Okay, we gotta keep this moving, folks. Nine-twenty-five,

remember? Nine-twenty-five! Cinderella! Introduce the next
princess! Now!

(SNOW WHITE stomps off the stage...CINDERELLA

soon stumbles onto the stage, obviously pushed
on by SNOW WHITE...she’s a bit deer-in-the-
headlights...she stares at the AUDIENCE...beat)

(shouting from offstage)

28
 SNOW WHITE (CONT.)
Right now!

CINDERELLA
(as if jolted awake)
Oh! Um...and now...

(mimicking SNOW WHITE)

O l
Right now!

TI sa
C ru
#6 TWO LEGS

N
U e
D P
CINDERELLA (CONT.)
All the way from Copenhagen, with her very own fish
tale...here’s a girl who gave up her father...her fin...and even

O ng
her voice...just to net a man. Please welcome...
i
(she can’t pass up a bad pun)
PR ns
Just for the halibut...
R ce

(CINDERELLA laughs at her own joke)

i

The one...the only...

FO L

(more bad puns)

T ay

Singing chicken of the sea!

N dw

(THE LITTLE MERMAID stumbles onto the

stage...she is the epitome of a down-
on-her-luck lush...tattoos, unkempt hair,
oa

too much make-up)

O
Br

THE LITTLE MERMAID

Ya, ya, ya...they get it! I’m the freakin’ Little Mermaid!

(BAND breaks down)

Little Mermaid...wooooooooo!

CINDERELLA
(continuing on with the hokey jokes)
And she’s just ready to...dive in...and be a part of your worl-

29
 THE LITTLE MERMAID
Get. Out!

(CINDERELLA exits quickly, mid-sentence)

(to the BAND)

I’m gonna need a vamp.

O l
(BAND vamps...THE LITTLE MERMAID exits

TI sa
and soon returns with a colorful grotto
in tow)

C ru
N
(to the AUDIENCE)

U e
Okay, so...I’ve been quiet a long time. But now I gotta lotta

D P
say. I gotta lotta say.

LONG AGO

O ng
WHEN I WAS JUST A GLIMMER IN MY PARENTS’ EYES
GIRLS LIKE ME NEVER DARED STEP OUT OF LINE
i
PR ns
THEN I CAME ALONG
THIS TEENAGE BOY-CRAZED SWIMMER WITH THE FLIRTY EYES
A SPOILED PROBLEM CHILD, A HEADSTRONG BRINE
R ce

THEN ONE NIGHT, A STORMY SEA

i

TOSSED A SHIP ABOUT

FO L

A HANDSOME PRINCE
T ay

FELL OVERBOARD
AND I GAVE HIM MOUTH-TO-MOUTH
N dw

FROM THEN ON I WAS HOOKED

AND I KNEW THIS REBELLIOUS DAUGHTER
WOULD WALK AMONG THE WORLD UP THERE
oa

A RED-HEADED, BI-“PEE”-DAL FISH OUT OF WATER

O
Br

UH—OH

TWO LEGS
TOO MANY
I’D GLADLY DUMP MY SIX INCH HEELS
TO JUMP BACK IN WITH THE MORAY EELS

TOO LATE
TO TURN BACK NOW

I CAN’T BELIEVE I SWAPPED THE SEVEN SEAS

FOR A PRINCE AND A PAIR OF THESE!
30
 (she rips the bottom part of her skirt away
to reveal her legs; covered with band-aids)

THE LITTLE MERMAID (CONT.)

NOW, DON’T GET ME WRONG
I LOVE MY HUSBAND DEARLY
WITH ALL MY HEART
I’M JUST WOND’RIN’ IF I MADE A FOOLISH TRADE

O l
(two clam puppets enter, one operated by

TI sa
CINDERELLA, the other by SNOW WHITE)

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

C ru
N
OH

U e
THE LITTLE MERMAID CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

D P
HANDING IN MY MERMAID FIN OOOOH
WAS CLEARLY

O ng
CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE
NOT ALL THAT SMART
i
PR ns
THE LITTLE MERMAID
MY LIFE WAS GREAT UNTIL I GOT FILLETED
R ce

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

OH, HER LEGS...
i
FO L

THE LITTLE MERMAID

ARE INCONVENIENT
T ay

GOTTA SHAVE ‘EM TWICE A WEEK

AND I FIND I HAVE TO CROSS ‘EM
N dw

OR ELSE I’LL

ALL
GIVE THE BOYS A PEEK
oa

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

O
Br

AND HER FEET...

THE LITTLE MERMAID

REQUIRE TENDING
‘CAUSE THEY BLISTER UP AND CRACK
I WISHED TO DANCE AND BICYCLE
BUT AFTER BOTH MY ARCHES FELL
I WISH HE’D THROW ME BACK

UH-OH

TWO LEGS
31
 CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE
TWO LEGS

THE LITTLE MERMAID

TOO MANY

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

UH-OH

O l
THE LITTLE MERMAID

TI sa
I’D HAPP’LY DITCH THESE NICKS AND SCABS
TO SPEND MY LIFE WITH THE HORSESHOE CRABS

C ru
N
TOO LATE

U e
CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

D P
TOO LATE

ALL

O ng
TO TURN BACK NOW
i THE LITTLE MERMAID
PR ns
I CAN’T BELIEVE I SWAPPED THE SEVEN SEAS
FOR A PRINCE AND A PAIR OF THESE
R ce

NOW, I DESPISE HAVING FLABBY THIGHS

AND I’D GIVE ‘EM UP WITH GLEE
i
FO L

IF I KNEW I COULD GO BACK TO

TWENTY-THOUSAND FLIPPIN’ LEAGUES
T ay

UNDERNEATH THE SEA

N dw

UH-OH!

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

UH-OH!
oa

THE LITTLE MERMAID

O
Br

UH-OH!

ALL
UH-OH

THE LITTLE MERMAID

(crying out)
Two legs!

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

TWO LEGS

32
 THE LITTLE MERMAID
TOO MANY

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

UH-OH

THE LITTLE MERMAID

I’D FREELY TRADE MY BATHROOM SCALE
TO DIVE AND BREACH WITH THE HUMPBACK WHALE

O l
TI sa
TOO LATE

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

C ru
N
TOO LATE

U e
ALL

D P
TO TURN BACK NOW

THE LITTLE MERMAID

O ng
I’D EAS’LY JUNK THESE PANTYHOSE
FOR THE SMELL OF FLOTSAM IN MY NOSE
i
PR ns
TOO LATE

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

R ce

TOO LATE
i

ALL
FO L

TO TURN BACK NOW

T ay

THE LITTLE MERMAID

I CAN’T BELIEVE I SWAPPED THE SEVEN SEAS
N dw

FOR A PRINCE AND A PAIR OF THESE

THE LITTLE MERMAID CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

NOW I’M DOWN ON KNOBBY KNEES AH
oa

(she drops to her knees in despair)

O
Br

THE LITTLE MERMAID

Ouch.

(she collects herself)

I PRAY SOMEDAY
THAT I’LL SWAP THESE
AND RETURN TO THE SEVEN SEAS

ALL
SEVEN SEAS
33
 (Final pose...TAG: SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA
exit leaving THE LITTLE MERMAID alone on
stage...SNOW WHITE reenters...THE LITTLE
MERMAID grabs her grotto and exits)

SNOW WHITE
Well...that went well.

(switching gears)

O l
TI sa
Okay, getting back on track now...here she is...from the pretty
pine...

C ru
N
(SLEEPING BEAUTY, wearing antlers and
bleating away on a deer call, dances

U e
onto the stage...she makes like a deer

D P
and she struts around the stage...before
long, SLEEPING BEAUTY spins out of control
into a Lion-King-esque/Julie Taymor

O ng
dramatic modern dance as she continues
to toot on the deer call)
i
PR ns
Stop it!

(SLEEPING BEAUTY stops dancing)

R ce

(indicating SLEEPING BEAUTY’s antlers)

i

So...you woke up just for that?

FO L

SLEEPING BEAUTY
T ay

I thought I’d surprise you.

N dw

SNOW WHITE
Oh, I’m surprised all right. What is this; what are you
supposed to be anyway?
oa

SLEEPING BEAUTY
(straight-faced)
O
Br

I’m a doe.

(beat)

A deer.

(beat)

(having fun with the ‘Sound of Music’

reference; spoken; not sung)

A female dee -
34
 SNOW WHITE
Alright, I get it! Look, that is probably one the most
ridiculous, nonsensical, harebrained things I’ve ever seen.

CINDERELLA
(bursting onto the stage)
Hello!

(CINDERELLA is dressed in a ridiculous

O l
forest headdress made up of glittery trees

TI sa
...it looks like a summer camp arts and crafts
project...she also carries a papier-mâché
hummingbird attached to a stick with string and

C ru
N
wears a raccoon puppet on her hand...she twirls
the bird above her head)

U e
D P
SLEEPING BEAUTY
It’s a hummingbird! Can you see the forest? And the raccoon?!

O ng
(beat as SNOW WHITE glares at the two)

No? Okay. i
PR ns
(SLEEPING BEAUTY attempts to stop CINDERELLA)
R ce

Cinderella. Cinderella! Stop it!

i

(CINDERELLA stops...SLEEPING BEAUTY glares at

FO L

her and points her off the stage...CINDERELLA,

sad now, exits)
T ay

(turning to SNOW WHITE)

N dw

Can I sing my song now?

(SNOW WHITE points SLEEPING BEAUTY off

oa

the stage)
O
Br

Good idea. We should do it later.

(SLEEPING BEAUTY exits)

SNOW WHITE
(to the AUDIENCE)
Take two.

35
 SNOW WHITE (CONT.)
Now here she is, from the pretty pinewoods of Appalachia, in
another patently percipient, parody-pushing parade of pantomime
protest proffering pep and poignancy, a personable, pint-sized,
eye-peeling pixie from the past that we pray will please and
propel you to passionately put your palms parallel for the
pulchritudinous and possessingly appealing yet presently peeved
Powhatan princess...Boom!

O l
(she revels in her victory over the

TI sa
alliterative introduction)

Say it with me, my people...Pocahontas! Perfect.

C ru
N
(she exits...POCAHONTAS enters wearing a

U e
tight Native American-themed mini-dress and

D P
strikes a pose...she suddenly tosses a handful
of colorful, fake leaves into the air)

O ng
i #7 POCAHONTAS’ THEME (UNDERSCORE)
PR ns
POCAHONTAS
R ce

(high, squeaky, over-the-top Marilyn Monroe voice)

And now...a word from our ssssssssponsor. The Princess Complex!
i

(CINDERELLA, SLEEPING BEAUTY, and SNOW WHITE

FO L

enter...each hold a large perfume atomizer...

they sigh as they pose, helpless damsels in
T ay

distress; a la melodramatic Calvin Klein

perfume ad)
N dw

SNOW WHITE
The Princess Complex.
oa

SLEEPING BEAUTY
The Princess Complex.
O
Br

CINDERELLA
The Princess Complex.

POCAHONTAS
The Princess Complex.

SNOW WHITE
The Princess Complex. A new fragrance brewed up by the friendly
folks who brought you Toddlers and Tiaras.

(beat)
36
 SNOW WHITE (CONT.)
A show that ran six seasons.

(beat)

On TLC.

(beat...then, in disbelief)

O l
The Learning Channel!

TI sa
POCAHONTAS
The Princess Complex.

C ru
N
CINDERELLA

U e
A parfum du ‘toilet.’ (pronounced as written: toilet)

D P
SLEEPING BEAUTY
A delicate feminine scent.

O ng
CINDERELLA
i
A cologne for the discerning lady designed to make you
PR ns
absolutely reek with the smell of fear and insecurity.

POCAHONTAS
R ce

The Princess Complex. Rawr!

i

SLEEPING BEAUTY
FO L

One spray on the wrist and you’ll be pining away for your knight
in shining armor.
T ay

CINDERELLA
N dw

A handsome, dashing stranger who will swoop in and rescue you

from your lonely, pathetic, useless existence.

POCAHONTAS
oa

The Princess Complex.

O
Br

SNOW WHITE
A specially concocted potion that guarantees despair...

SLEEPING BEAUTY
Prolonged crying spells...

POCAHONTAS
And starvation resulting in a waistline smaller than your own
neck.

37
 SNOW WHITE
Just a dab behind each ear and you too can look forward to
spending a lifetime as a damsel in distress.

POCAHONTAS
A damsel in distress?

SNOW WHITE
(pointed now)

O l
A lifetime...as a damsel in distress.

TI sa
C ru
#8 FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES

N
U e
D P
(SNOW WHITE spritzes herself with The
Princess Complex perfume and becomes a
vacant, ditzy damsel in distress)

O ng
SNOW WHITE (CONT.)
i
LOOK AT ME, I’M SWEET
PR ns
(SLEEPING BEAUTY spritzes herself and
R ce

becomes a vacuous maiden)

SLEEPING BEAUTY
i

LOOK AT ME, I’M SHY

FO L

(CINDERELLA spritzes herself and heightens

T ay

her sense of innocent bubble-headedness)

N dw

CINDERELLA
ME
I’M BRAIN-FREE
WITHOUT A CLUE AS TO WHY
oa

SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

O
Br

WE ARE SO DITZY
WE’RE HELPLESSLY FRAIL
BUT WE’RE HAPPY AS LONG AS A PRINCE SAVES OUR TAIL
SO, WE’LL BE OBEDIENT WIVES
FOR THE REST OF OUR LIVES

POCAHONTAS
The rest of our lives? Isn’t that like a really long time?

SNOW WHITE
Why, yes! Because happily ever after…

38
 (pointed...sober for a moment)

SNOW WHITE (CONT.)

...is forever.

(CINDERELLA spritzes herself)

CINDERELLA
(damsel in distress again)

O l
I’M OBSESSED WITH MY LOOKS

TI sa
(SLEEPING BEAUTY spritzes herself)

C ru
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY
(damsel in distress again)

U e
I’M OBSESSED WITH MY HAIR

D P
(SNOW WHITE spritzes herself)

O ng
SNOW WHITE
(damsel in distress again)
AND WHEN i
PR ns
SEVEN MEN
NEED A MAID
R ce

I’m so there!
i

SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

FO L

WE ARE SO DELICATE
WEAK, THROUGH AND THROUGH
T ay

JUST WAITING FOR CHARMING TO RIDE INTO VIEW

AND THAT’S HOW A PRINCESS SURVIVES
N dw

FOR THE REST OF OUR

SNOW WHITE
LONG, LONG AGO
oa

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

O
Br

(echoing)
LONG, LONG AGO

SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

WHEN MAN FIRST CREATED THE PRIN-IN-CESS

SNOW WHITE
HOW, HOW COULD WE KNOW

CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

(echoing)
HOW COULD WE KNOW
39
 SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY
THAT THOSE GUYS WOULD COME UP WITH THIS?!

(SNOW WHITE mocks a damsel in distress pose)

CINDERELLA
(mocking a damsel in distress pose)
And this!

O l
SLEEPING BEAUTY

TI sa
(mocking a damsel in distress pose)
And this!
POCAHONTAS

C ru
N
(following suit...mocking a damsel in
distress pose)

U e
And this?

D P
SNOW WHITE
TEACHING LITTLE GIRLS

O ng
THAT ALL YOU REALLY NEED
i
SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY
PR ns
Is a prince and a castle

(pointing to their atomizers)

R ce

And these to succeed!

i

POCAHONTAS
FO L

(pointing to the atomizers)

These?!
T ay

SLEEPING BEAUTY
N dw

Indeed!

SNOW WHITE
One spritz...proceed!
oa

(POCAHONTAS spritzes herself with

O
Br

The Princess Complex perfume...

POCAHONTAS heightens her ditzy damsel
in distress personality)

POCAHONTAS
(getting it now)
LOOK AT ME, I’M CUTE
LOOK AT ME, I’M SPRY

(pointing to her head)

AND I’M
40
 POCAHONTAS (CONT.)
ONE SLICE SHORT
OF A FULL PIZZA PIE

ALL FOUR
WE ARE SO FRAGILE
WE’RE SO DARN CLICHE
BUT AS LONG AS A MAN AND A MOAT COMES OUR WAY
WE’LL HAPPILY WAIT ’TIL THE BABY ARRIVES

O l
TI sa
FOR THE REST OF

OUR REST OF OUR

C ru
N
BEST OF OUR
SATINY, PERMANENT-PRESSED OF OUR

U e
MESSED OF OUR

D P
(playing with their hair)

O ng
TRESSED OF OUR
CRAMMED AND JAMMED IN THIS DRESSED OF OUR
i
STRESSED OF OUR
PR ns
CHEST OF OUR
BLESS-ED DAMSEL IN DISTRESSED OF OUR
R ce

REST
OF
i

OUR LIVES!
FO L

(they each take one last spritz of the

T ay

perfume, strike mocking damsel in distress

poses and sigh)
N dw

Ahh...

(ALL exit)
oa

(SNOW WHITE reenters, solemn now)

O
Br

SNOW WHITE
I now give you Pocahontas...in her own words.

(SNOW WHITE exits...POCAHONTAS enters...

she begins the song with a slight, squeaky
Marilyn Monroe sound remaining in her voice)

#9 HONESTLY

41
 POCAHONTAS
SOME LOVE HISTORY
AND SOME MAKE IT THEIR OWN
THAT’S HOW IT GOES
I SUPPOSE

AND SOME CAN TAKE WHAT’S REAL

AND MAKE IT NOT...SO REAL
AND I WONDER WHY

O l
WE JUST STAND BY

TI sa
(POCAHONTAS’ voice completely transitions
to the actor’s full, real voice)

C ru
N
THE TRUTH IS I WAS

U e
JUST A CHILD

D P
AND IF YOU SAW ME
I REALLY ONLY STOOD THIS TALL

O ng
(she raises her hand to about waist-high)
i
AND EV’RY PROBLEM SEEMED SO SMALL
PR ns
’TIL HOLLYWOOD CAME CALLIN’
AND THAT’S WHEN
R ce

LOOK AT ME, NOW

MY DEERSKIN IS CUT WAY ABOVE MY KNEE, NOW
i

THERE’S TOO MUCH TO SEE, NOW

FO L

WHEN DID I GET BLUSHED?

T ay

IT LOOKS LIKE MY MAKEOVER WAS COMPLETELY RUSHED

MY HAIR IS JUST WAY OVER-BRUSHED
N dw

LOOK AT HOW IT SWIRLS ‘ROUND IN THE WIND

ALL THE COLORS OF THE WIND
oa

AM I THE ONLY ONE THAT THIS OFFENDS?

O
Br

HONESTLY

DOES ANYONE BELIEVE MY GRANDMA’S...

IN THAT TREE
OR THAT I KISSED JOHN SMITH?
THAT’S JUST NOT HISTORY

WHY WASN’T MY STORY TOLD

HONESTLY?

THERE WAS A FOREST

I REMEMBER THE RIVER
42
 POCAHONTAS (CONT.)
I CAN STILL SEE THE MOON RISE
FROM LAND TO SKY

NOW, CENTURIES LATER

ALL THE COLORS ARE DIFF’RENT
I LOOK LIKE A POPSTAR
AND I ASK WHY

O l
CAN SOMEONE TELL ME WHY

TI sa
I’M FORCED TO ROW AROUND THAT RIVERBEND?
JUST AROUND THE RIVERBEND!

C ru
N
AM I THE ONLY ONE WHO KNOWS
THIS IS PRETEND?

U e
D P
AND HONESTLY

I WAS ONLY TEN

O ng
BUT NOW I’M TWENTY-THREE!
i
CAN ANYONE EXPLAIN WHY LEAVES KEEP FOLLOWING ME?
PR ns
AND WHY MY STORY CAN’T BE TOLD

HONESTLY?
R ce

HONESTLY
i

LOOK AT ME, NOW

FO L

(POCAHONTAS exits...SNOW WHITE enters,

T ay

mirror in hand)
N dw

SNOW WHITE
Okay. I am prepared to try this again.
oa

#10 PERFECT - 2ND ATTEMPT

O
Br

(she waves her hand at the mirror...

mark tree...“magic mirror” music)

SNOW WHITE (CONT.)

Mirror, mirror in my hand
Why, who’s that I see
As I strike up the band?

(a curtain opens revealing SLEEPING

BEAUTY...BAND breaks down...SLEEPING
BEAUTY is asleep, snoring)
43
 SNOW WHITE (CONT.)
Well, that’s not surprising. Okay...close the curtain!

(calling offstage)

Cinderella!

(more princessy and sing-songy)

O l
Cinderella!

TI sa
(CINDERELLA pops onto the stage holding
her wooden-handled straw broom)

C ru
N
CINDERELLA

U e
Hello!

D P
SNOW WHITE
Look, it’s getting late and this is the last chance for Princess

O ng
Ambien over there to sing her song. So, let’s calmly jump ahead
to the next princess.
i
PR ns
CINDERELLA
Calmly. Got it.
R ce

(CINDERELLA is quiet for a moment...

she suddenly screams at the top of
i

her lungs)
FO L

Next princess!! Everybody skip ahead to the next princess!!

T ay

(CINDERELLA runs frantically over to the

N dw

BAND making page-turning motions with her

hands)

Next princess! Next princess! Look alive, maestro! You heard

oa

the lady...jump ahead to the next princess!!

O
Br

(The BAND fumbles with their scores,

turning to the song ‘FINALLY’ as
CINDERELLA exits to ready the princesses)

Next princess, next princess! Next prin...

(CINDERELLA screams as she takes a tumble

backstage)
(SFX: Crashing sounds)

(beat, silence)

44
 CINDERELLA (CONT.)
Ooooow.

(Soon, CINDERELLA hobbles onto the stage,

one glass slipper missing...she loses
her patience with the remaining slipper,
stops, rips it from her foot and, with a
primal scream, throws the shoe angrily off
the stage)

O l
TI sa
(SFX: Glass breaking offstage)

(beat)

C ru
N
(in a stage whisper, aside to SNOW WHITE)

U e
D P
Glass slipper.

SNOW WHITE

O ng
I know.
i
(beat...SNOW WHITE is about to speak)
PR ns
CINDERELLA
(cutting her off)
R ce

Momma’s gonna need a new pair of shoes.

i

SNOW WHITE
FO L

Momma’s gonna need you to focus!

T ay

(SNOW WHITE snaps her fingers...BAND

starts to play the intro to ‘FINALLY’)
N dw

(SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA strike their

opening pose to ‘FINALLY’...smiling suddenly)
oa

#11 FINALLY
O
Br

SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA

IT’S SO KEEN
IT’S DOWNRIGHT SWELL
THAT SHE’S STANDING HERE

CINDERELLA
WITH CINDERELL...

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

IT’S A WELL-TOLD TALE
THAT WE’D LIKE TO TELL
45
 SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA (CONT.)
AND IT STARS

(THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG enters

dressed in a beautifully ornate princess gown)

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

ME

O l
SNOW WHITE

TI sa
YES, IT’S

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

C ru
N
TAKEN TIME
TO SEE THE LIGHT

U e
OF A MOVIE SCREEN

D P
SO BIG AND BRIGHT

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

O ng
AND NOW IT’S TIME
TO MAKE IT RIGHT
I DECREE i
PR ns
I’M FINALLY PART OF THE ROYAL MENAGERIE

SNOW WHITE
R ce

Please help us welcome...The Princess Who Kissed The Frog.

i

(SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA exit)

FO L

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

T ay

WHEN I WAS A GIRL

ALL I EVER WANTED TO BE
N dw

WAS A STORYBOOK PRINCESS

WHEN I WAS A BABY

I HOPED AND PRAYED MAYBE I’D BE
oa

A STORYBOOK PRINCESS
O
Br

I HAD A DREAM
TO BE PART OF THAT TEAM
AND BETTER LATE THAN NEVER, THAT’S A FACT

AND NOW
I AM THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS
THAT’S FIN’LLY GONE BLACK

That’s right! I made it!

Can you feel the love tonight?

46
 THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG (CONT.)
Now, let’s bring this house down! Check it out!

IT’S ABOUT TIME

THAT THEY LET THIS GIRL RHYME
SO I COULD BE A STORYBOOK PRINCESS

WHY’D IT TAKE ‘EM SO LONG

TO GIVE A SISTER

O l
A SONG?

TI sa
LOOK AT ME!

I’M A STORYBOOK PRINCESS

C ru
N
IT’S BEEN HUNDREDS OF YEARS

U e
BUT, AT LAST, IT APPEARS

D P
THAT I’M MOVIN’ ON UP
IT’S TIME TO UNPACK

O ng
‘CAUSE I AM THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS
THAT’S FIN’LLY GONE BLACK!
i
PR ns
YEAH!

THEY MADE MOVIES WITH TOYS,

R ce

BUGS, AND CARS, AND THAT ANNOYS

i

Me! Where was my storybook princess?!

FO L

I’VE BEEN WAITING AROUND

T ay

AND NOW I’VE BROKEN NEW GROUND

N dw

I’m what?!

I’M A STORYBOOK PRINCESS!

oa

I WENT FROM BOOK TO THEME PARK

AND NOW I’M MAKING MY MARK
O
Br

And yes, there’s no turning back!

‘CAUSE I AM THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS

THAT’S FIN’LLY GONE BLACK

YEAH!

NOW I’M SURE IT TOOK PERSUASION

TO DRAW ME DARKER THAN CAUCASIAN

I’m not dense

47
 THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG (CONT.)
It’s dollars and cents!

MY PLUSH DOLLS WOULDN’T HIT THE RACK

UNLESS IT MADE GOOD BUS’NESS TO BET ON BLACK

(SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA, HUA MULAN, and

THE LITTLE MERMAID pop onto the stage as
THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG exits for

O l
quick costume change)

TI sa
PRINCESSES
BET ON BLACK

C ru
N
YEAH!

U e
(the PRINCESSES launch into a fun-loving,

D P
diva-licious dance segment)

ALL FOUR PRINCESSES

O ng
IT’S BEEN A HUNDRED-YEAR STROLL
TO GET A SNOW WHITE WITH SOUL
i
PR ns
Check her out!

(THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG reenters

R ce

in a flashier, more modern outfit)

i

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

FO L

I’M THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS

NOW I’M PAINTIN’ THE TOWN
T ay

I’m Rihanna with a crown! Watch out!

N dw

ALL (EXCEPT THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG)

SHE’S THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS
oa

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG ALL OTHERS

NOW, I’M UP
O
Br

ON THAT SCREEN OOOOOOOOOOOOOO

ALL
THE FIRST NUBIAN QUEEN

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

AND THOUGH GETTIN’ WITH A FROG IS KINDA WACK

ALL OTHERS
Wack-a-wack!

48
 THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
I AM THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS
THAT’S FIN’LLY
NOW, THIS GIRL’S HERE TO STAY
WHAT CAN I BE-YON-CÉ?

HUA MULAN
(carried away)
And this Roberta ain’t takin’ no ‘Flack.’

O l
TI sa
THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
(to HUA MULAN)
I got this.

C ru
N
‘CAUSE I AM THAT STORYBOOK PRINCESS

U e
THAT’S FINALLY

D P
ALL
GETTIN’ A MOAT

O ng
WITH A DRAWBRIDGE AND BOAT
iTHE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
PR ns
BUT I’M KEEPIN’ MY PINK CADILLAC

ALL
R ce

Hey...
i

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

FO L

I AM THAT STORYBOOK
T ay

ALL (EXCEPT THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG)

SHE IS THAT STORYBOOK
N dw

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG ALL OTHERS

YES, I AM THAT STORYBOOK SHE IS
PRINCESS PRIN-CESS!
oa

THAT’S FIN’LLY GONE BLACK!

O
Br

ALL OTHERS
THAT’S FIN’LLY GONE BLACK

ALL
THAT’S FIN’LLY GONE BLAAAAAAACK!

(THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG holds

one long, final riff)

49
 THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
(riffing)
YEAH!

You’re welcome!

(final pose...TAG: the PRINCESSES exit)

(SLEEPING BEAUTY cues the DRUMMER and enters

O l
TI sa
holding a stack of three placards)

C ru
N
#12 INTERMISSION / (SLEEPING BEAUTY’S STRUT) (UNDERSCORE)

U e
D P
(SLEEPING BEAUTY struts across the stage,
mimicking CINDERELLA’s placard bit from

O ng
earlier in the show...SLEEPING BEAUTY’s
top placard has the words “AND NOW” printed
on it...she stops and faces front to the
i
PR ns
AUDIENCE with a percussion bump...she tosses
away the top placard revealing a second placard
that reads “INTERMISSION”...she smiles and then
R ce

tosses that placard to the floor revealing a final

placard that has the words “GO PEE” printed on it...
a final percussion beat, BAND plays SLEEPING BEAUTY
i
FO L

off as she exits...blackout)

T ay

- END ACT I -
N dw
oa
O
Br

50
 ’DISENCHANTED!’
ACT II SCENE - STILL THIS THEATER
TIME - 15 MINUTES LATER

#13 ENTR’ACTE / FINALLY (REPRISE - INSTRUMENTAL)

O l
TI sa
(On the final beat of the “ENTR’ACTE,” SNOW WHITE

C ru
and CINDERELLA are revealed.)

N
SNOW WHITE

U e
We’re back!

D P
(CINDERELLA makes a breathy “Aaaaah!” sound

O ng
with jazz hands...SNOW WHITE snaps her back
into place)
i
Now...many of us princesses originally hail from the German
PR ns
motherland. First, of course, was me...everybody’s
favorite...Snow White! Better known as...
R ce

(ridiculous German accent)

i
FO L

Schneewittchen! (SHNEE - VIT - CHEN)

CINDERELLA
T ay

The Brothers Grimm also popularized other German princesses like

Cinderella...also known as...
N dw

(even more ridiculous German accent)

oa

Ash-ten-pooch-tall! (AH-SHEN-POO-TILL)

SNOW WHITE
O
Br

(losing patience)
Yeah, something like that. Now...to sell cinema tickets and
plush dolls to the masses, we German princesses had to be
Americanized.

CINDERELLA
Commercialized.

SNOW WHITE
Merchandized.

51
 CINDERELLA
Advertised.

(beat)

Right before our eyes...ized!

SNOW WHITE
I told you not to do that.

O l
TI sa
(beat...SNOW WHITE begins to speak again)

CINDERELLA

C ru
N
(cutting off SNOW WHITE)
I apologiiiiize.

U e
D P
(beat...SNOW WHITE glares at her)

SNOW WHITE

O ng
What we’re trying to say here is that there is one German
princess who refuses to give in to the capitalism and greed of
i
Hollywood. And she’s here with us tonight (today)!
PR ns
SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA
Ladies und gentlemen, please willkommen...Rapunzel!
R ce

(they exit)
i
FO L
T ay

#14 NOT VONE RED CENT

N dw

(RAPUNZEL enters...she is a monstrosity...a

voman with a big mole on her cheek and a
oa

bushy unibrow on her forehead...she speaks

with an over-the-top German accent)
O
Br

RAPUNZEL
Und now...I sing!

(extremely Wagnerian and Weilly)

MINE IS A TALE OF PAIN AND VOE
A DEEP, DARK TRAGEDY!

UND I’VE GOT A STORY

IT’S A VELL-TOLD ALLEGORY
NO LIES, NO FIBS, NO COCK UND BULL

52
 RAPUNZEL (CONT.)
(loud, guttural and drawn out)
Nein!

I’VE GOT A YARN ZAT I VILL SPIN FOR YOU

UND IT’S A VOPPER

Of a catastrophe!

O l
SEE, IT’S ABOUT ZE VAY

TI sa
ZAT I’M DISPLAYED
ONLINE ON ZE VORLD VIDE VEB
AND ON SALE AT ZE LOCAL DOLLAR TREE

C ru
N
(loud...Brunhildesque)

U e
D P
I FIND MYSELF
ON EV’RY VALMART SHELF

O ng
Und dis Valt Disney has pimped me out!
i
TO ZE SUITS ON OLD VALL STREET
PR ns
NOW...I’M...ON
T-SHIRTS
R ce

I’M ON TEA SETS

HECK, I’M EVEN ON YOUR VATCH!
i
FO L

UND I’VE SEEN MY FACE

MOST EV’RY PLACE
T ay

I’M ON PAMPERS NEAR ZE BABY’S CROTCH!

N dw

YOU CAN EVEN FIND MY KISSER

ON YOUR TUBE OF PEPSODENT
UND VHAT’VE I GOT TO SHOW FOR IT?
NOT VONE RED CENT!
oa

Und you vouldn’t believe ze cockamamie merchandise zey put us

O
Br

poor princesses on...

(SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA enter, both

wearing unibrows)

SNOW WHITE
I’M ON SVEATPANTS
I’M ON SVIMTRUNKS
I’M ON GIRLIES’ UNDERVEAR

RAPUNZEL
Hey!
53
 RAPUNZEL (CONT.)
YOU’VE TATTOOED MY PUSS
ON YOUR CABUSS

Don’t lie. You know it’s there!

SNOW WHITE
Hey!

O l
CINDERELLA

TI sa
YOU CAN EVEN FIND DIS FRÄULEIN’S MUG
ON LAUNDRY DETERGENT

C ru
N
ALL THREE
Hey! Hey! Hey!

U e
D P
UND VHAT’VE VE GOT TO SHOW FOR IT?
NOT VONE RED CENT

O ng
RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
i
PR ns
SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA
NOT VONE RED CENT
R ce

RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
i
FO L

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

NOT VONE RED CENT
T ay

RAPUNZEL
N dw

VITHOUT SOME PAY I’LL VONDER VHERE

MY VIENERSCHITZEL VENT

NOT VONE RED CENT

oa

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

O
Br

NOT VONE RED CENT

RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

NOT VONE RED CENT

ALL THREE
HOW MUCH DO VE GET
FROM EV’RY DOLLAR ZAT IS SCHPENT?
NOT VONE RED CENT!
54
 SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA
VONE, VONE, VONE
VONE, VONE, VONE, VONE

RAPUNZEL
Now, ve add in ze ow-di-ence!

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

Zat’s you!

O l
TI sa
(houselights up)

RAPUNZEL

C ru
N
Und now...ve all sing!

U e
SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

D P
(guttural...angry now)
Und you vill like it!

O ng
RAPUNZEL
(a tempo)
i
Vhen I say “Not vone red cent!”...you say “Not vone red cent!”
PR ns
Ready? Let’s give it a try!

(starting off the call-and-response bit)

R ce

NOT VONE RED CENT

i
FO L

SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & AUDIENCE

NOT VONE RED CENT
T ay

RAPUNZEL
N dw

NOT VONE RED CENT

SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & AUDIENCE

NOT VONE RED CENT
oa

RAPUNZEL
O
Br

ZAT’S HOW MUCH VE GET FROM EV’RY

DOLLAR ZAT IS SCHPENT...NOT VONE RED CENT

SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & AUDIENCE

NOT VONE RED CENT

(beat)

RAPUNZEL
Zat vas ow-ful!

55
 SNOW WHITE
But my side vuz gud!

CINDERELLA
My side vuz bettah!

RAPUNZEL
Uh no!

O l
(cutting the BAND off)

TI sa
Ve have discrepancy! Der is only vone vay to solve dis!

C ru
N
SNOW WHITE
(no accent)

U e
There is?

D P
(catching herself)

O ng
I mean...
i
(back to terrible German accent)
PR ns
Der is?!
R ce

RAPUNZEL
Uh-huh. Vith a sing off!
i
FO L

(BAND plays fanfare)

T ay

Now, ve vill schplit ze ow-di-ence!

N dw

(BAND returns to the vamp)

(to SNOW WHITE)

oa

Schneewittchen!
O
Br

SNOW WHITE
Ya?

RAPUNZEL
You vill have from dis seat all ze vay to zat seat and all ze
vay back and up!

SNOW WHITE
(happy with her team)
Ya!

56
 RAPUNZEL
Zat means, Aschenputtel, zat you vill have...

(she points to two unsuspecting AUDIENCE

MEMBERS in the front row...BAND stops)

(low...guttural)
Them.
(beat)

O l
TI sa
CINDERELLA
(no German accent; complaining)
But I don’t think that’s...

C ru
N
RAPUNZEL

U e
Dis is fair!

D P
(BAND returns to the vamp)

O ng
Now...ve practice! Schneewittchen! You are first!
i
(SNOW WHITE leads her AUDIENCE in the chant)
PR ns
NOT VONE RED CENT
R ce

SNOW WHITE & AUDIENCE

NOT VONE RED CENT
i
FO L

RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
T ay

SNOW WHITE & AUDIENCE

N dw

NOT VONE RED CENT

RAPUNZEL
ZAT’S HOW MUCH VE GET FROM EV’RY
oa

DOLLAR ZAT IS SCHPENT...NOT VONE RED CENT

O
Br

SNOW WHITE & AUDIENCE

NOT VONE RED CENT

RAPUNZEL
Not so bad.

(sarcastic...thrown away)

You understand ze concept of ze echo. Und now, it is time

for...

57
 (she indicates the SELECTED AUDIENCE
MEMBERS with disgust...BAND stops)

RAPUNZEL (CONT.)
You.

(beat)

Und...

O l
TI sa
(BAND returns to the vamp as CINDERELLA
leads her team in the chant, though she
doesn’t sing with them)

C ru
N
NOT VONE RED CENT

U e
D P
SELECTED AUDIENCE MEMBERS
(with CINDERELLA encouraging them
but not singing along)

O ng
NOT VONE RED CENT
i RAPUNZEL
PR ns
NOT VONE RED CENT

SELECTED AUDIENCE MEMBERS

R ce

(with CINDERELLA encouraging them

but not singing along)
i

NOT VONE RED CENT

FO L

RAPUNZEL
T ay

ZAT’S HOW MUCH VE GET FROM EV’RY

DOLLAR ZAT IS SCHPENT...
N dw

CINDERELLA
(jumping the gun)
Not vone red cent!
oa

RAPUNZEL
O
Br

Furchtbar!

(BAND breakdown; to CINDERELLA)

Embarrassing.

(to SELECTED AUDIENCE MEMBERS)

You fail.

(she moves on)

Now...it is time for ze sing off!

58
 (BAND returns to the vamp)

RAPUNZEL (CONT.)
Remember to follow your leader.

SNOW WHITE
Ve’re first!

CINDERELLA

O l
(no German accent; not having fun)

TI sa
And we’re last.

RAPUNZEL

C ru
N
Okay, zen...here ve go. On ze count of drei! Eins! Zwei!
Drei!

U e
D P
ALL THREE
NOT...VONE...RED...CENT

O ng
SNOW WHITE & AUDIENCE
NOT VONE RED CENT
i
PR ns
RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
R ce

SELECTED AUDIENCE MEMBERS

(with CINDERELLA encouraging them
i

but not singing along)

FO L

NOT VONE RED CENT

T ay

SNOW WHITE
YOU CAN FIND MY FACE ON PACK OF MINTY FRESH TRIDENT!
N dw

RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT
oa

SNOW WHITE & AUDIENCE

NOT VONE RED CENT
O
Br

RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT

SELECTED AUDIENCE MEMBERS

(with CINDERELLA encouraging them
but not singing along)
NOT VONE RED CENT

CINDERELLA
I’m on box of Vheaties but it don’t change my bank schtatement!

59
 RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT

SNOW WHITE & AUDIENCE

NOT VONE RED CENT

RAPUNZEL
NOT VONE RED CENT

O l
SELECTED AUDIENCE MEMBERS

TI sa
(with CINDERELLA encouraging them
but not singing along)
NOT VONE RED CENT

C ru
N
ALL THREE

U e
VE CAN’T PAY ZE RENT

D P
‘COS VE’VE SEEN
NOT
VONE

O ng
SCHTINKING
RED CENT!
i
PR ns
RAPUNZEL
(stepping forward; deliberate and drawn out)
VE’VE SEEN
R ce

NOT
VONE
i

RED...
FO L

(the final note is clearly too low for

T ay

RAPUNZEL but she reaches for it anyway...

very low...not pretty)
N dw

CENT

(she holds the note uncomfortably long)

oa

Und...
O
Br

ALL THREE
VE’VE SEEN NOT VONE RED CENT!

Hey!

(final pose...TAG: “NOT VONE RED CENT”

...RAPUNZEL exits)

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

VE’VE SEEN NOT VONE RED CENT!

60
 CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE (CONT.)
Hey!

(CINDERELLA and SNOW WHITE exit)

#15 SECONDARY PRINCESS

O l
TI sa
(PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR enters on a magic
carpet - whether it be a costume piece or
prop/set piece, she’s riding it...and it

C ru
N
looks purposefully ridiculous)

U e
PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR

D P
(sarcastic...feigning wonderment)
Oooooo...look at me! I’m flying! Ooooooooooo! Here I am,
coming in for a landing...ooooooooooo...ooooooooooo...

O ng
yaaaaaaaaaa...ooooooooooo!
i
(she simply walks to her spot)
PR ns
And I’m here. Okay, let’s do this.
R ce

(proud)
i

Now...you may know me as Princess Badroulbadour!

FO L

(she looks to the AUDIENCE; no reaction)

T ay

You don’t. Well, I was in a book called, One Thousand and One
N dw

Nights.

(very little reaction from the AUDIENCE)

oa

One reader, two readers...home-schooled? Okay, great. Let’s

make this easy for the rest of you...
O
Br

(like teaching a kindergarten class)

I was also in a children’s book, The Story of Aladdin.

(beat as the AUDIENCE cheers)

(sarcastic; to AUDIENCE)

Okay, okay...so...in the movies, they like to call me...

(in beat with the jazzy riff)

61
 PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR (CONT.)
Princess...Jaaaazz-mine!

(back to sarcasm)

Well, that’s not me! Truth of the matter is that the Aladdin
stories actually took place in South Asia. Don’t’cha just love
it when a big family entertainment company takes a classic story
and spins it into a whole new world?

O l
TI sa
Shining

Shimmering

C ru
N
Splendid

U e
D P
Hashtag -

O ng
(PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR stops the BAND)

i
AreYouKiddingMe?!
PR ns
(referring to her flying carpet)
R ce

I literally just got the right to drive this thing. Look. No

matter how you slice it...we still got a ‘Ja-far’ way to go.
i

See what I did there?

FO L

(cues the BAND back in)

T ay

Y’see, all they really wanna do is make sure that...

N dw

(in time with the beat now)

I’m...a...
oa

SECONDARY PRINCESS IN A SECONDARY ROLE

O
Br

THE SPOTLIGHT’S ON THE GUY WHO RUBS THE LAMP

MY FATHER IS A SULTAN AND MY BOYFRIEND’S REALLY CUTE

BUT MY COSTUME MAKES ME LOOK LIKE I’M A SECONDARY TRAMP

I DON’T DO MUCH
OF WORK AND SUCH
I’M SIMPLY STORY-FREE
I’M THE POSTER CHILD FOR MIDDLE EASTERN MISO-GY-NY

I’M A SECONDARY PRINCESS LIVING A SECONDARY LIFE

IN A STORY WHERE THE MEN HAVE ALL THE FUN
62
 PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR (CONT.)
I’M TOLD THAT ALL I’LL EVER NEED
IS TO MARRY AND TO BREED
POPPING OUT A HAREM OF KIDS, ONE BY ONE

BUT BEFORE YOU PLACE YOUR BET

THAT I’M THE GIRL YOU’LL SOON FORGET
A SECONDARY PRINCESS
ANOTHER BLAND CARTOON COQUETTE

O l
TI sa
(beat)

Keep in mind that...

C ru
N
NOW THAT I CAN DRIVE A CAR

U e
I’LL DRIVE IT STRAIGHT DOWN THE THROAT OF OL’ JAFAR

D P
AND THEN THIS WOMAN’S WORK IS FIN’LLY DONE!

THAT’S WHEN THIS SECONDARY PRINCESS

O ng
WITH THE SECONDARY PLOT LINE
WILL HAVE SECONDARY BILLING
i
TO...NO...ONE
PR ns
(PRINCESS BADROULBADOUR holds the final
note a long time)
R ce

And now my song is done.

i
FO L

(final pose...TAG: she exits)

T ay

#16 CINDERELLA’S STRUT #2 (UNDERSCORE)

N dw

(CINDERELLA enters and struts into place)

oa

CINDERELLA
O
Br

Snack time!

(CINDERELLA pulls a candy bar from her dress

...she takes a big, giant, long whiff of the
candy bar as if it were a fine cigar...once
she inhales the chocolate, she lets out a
content sigh)

Now that was filling.

(CINDERELLA places the Butterfinger candy bar

back in her dress)
63
 CINDERELLA (CONT.)
Princess Complex Rule Number 323. Always remember,
girls...we’re princesses.

(her smile slowly disintegrates)

We never eat.

O l
#17 ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT

TI sa
C ru
N
CINDERELLA (CONT.)
I RUN TEN MILES A DAY

U e
D P
SNOW WHITE
(entering)
I’VE NEVER TASTED A MILKY WAY

O ng
CINDERELLA
i
I HAD SOME RIBS
PR ns
(THE LITTLE MERMAID, THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED
R ce

THE FROG, HUA MULAN, and SLEEPING BEAUTY

enter, gasping at CINDERELLA’s admission)
i

(explaining)
FO L

REMOVED LAST WEEK

T ay

(the PRINCESSES sigh in relief)

N dw

AND I SKIP EV’RY BREAKFAST BUFFET

THE LITTLE MERMAID

oa

I BREASTSTROKE TO AFRICA
O
Br

And back!

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG & HUA MULAN

WE TAKE HOT YOGA JUST TO SWEAT OUT EACH SNACK

CINDERELLA
AND I HAVEN’T EATEN SINCE YESTERDAY
‘CAUSE I’M TOLD TO KEEP MY WAISTLINE SHRINKIN’

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

TOLD TO KEEP THAT WEIGH-IN NUMBER SINKIN’

64
 ALL
BUT I JUST CAN’T STOP THINKIN’ THAT

CINDERELLA
ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT

THE LITTLE MERMAID

A BURGER

O l
CINDERELLA

TI sa
ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT

SLEEPING BEAUTY

C ru
N
Hot pockets!

U e
CINDERELLA

D P
EVEN THOUGH PRINCESSES ARE TOLD TO STAY
LIGHT ON THEIR FEET

O ng
THAT DOESN’T KEEP ME FROM THINKIN’
ALL I WANNA DO IS CHEAT
i
PR ns
ALL
ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT
R ce

SNOW WHITE
I GO TO ZUMBA DANCE
i
FO L

HUA MULAN
AND I’VE CROSSED THE GOBI JUST TO FIT IN THESE PANTS
T ay

CINDERELLA
N dw

AND I SUCKED DOWN A BOTTLE OF

Lipozene
oa

JUST LAST WEEK

O
Br

‘CAUSE WE’RE TOLD TO KEEP OUR METABOLISM POPPIN’

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

TOLD TO KEEP THOSE EXTRA POUNDS A-DROPPIN’

ALL
BUT I JUST CAN’T HELP STOPPIN’ TO THINK

CINDERELLA
THAT ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT

65
 THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
A PIZZA

CINDERELLA
ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT

SLEEPING BEAUTY
Little Debbie’s!

O l
ALL

TI sa
EVEN THOUGH PRINCESSES ARE TOLD
THEY GOTTA HAVE A TINY, TIGHT SEAT
THAT DOESN’T KEEP ME FROM THINKIN’

C ru
N
CINDERELLA

U e
THAT A SINGLE FRENCH FRY

D P
WOULD MORE THAN SATISFY
THIS HUNGER DEEP INSIDE ME

O ng
BUT IN OUR FILMS AND BOOKS
IT’S ALL ABOUT OUR LOOKS
i
SO US HUNGRY GIRLS KEEP CRAVIN’
PR ns
CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE
CRASH DIETING, POUND SHAVIN’
R ce

ALL
i

UNTIL WE’RE GOING STARK-RAVING MAD!

FO L

CINDERELLA
T ay

ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT

N dw

HUA MULAN
HÄAGEN DAZS

CINDERELLA
oa

ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT

O
Br

ALL
HÄAGEN DAZS

(singing like angels now, they reach for

an imaginary pint of Häagen Dazs)

CINDERELLA
(breaking the pose)
EVEN THOUGH

ALL
PRINCESSES ARE TAUGHT
66
 ALL (CONT.)
TO RUN FROM ANYTHING SWEET

CINDERELLA
(starting to lose control)
SWEET, SWEET, SWEET!

ALL
THAT DOESN’T KEEP ME FROM THINKIN’

O l
TI sa
CINDERELLA SNOW WHITE
THAT A HUNK OF STRING CHEESE
BRINGS MOMMA TO HER KNEES STRING CHEESE

C ru
N
SHE’S HUNGRY
AND FILLS AWW!

U e
ME LIKE NO OTHER AWW!

D P
ALL OTHERS
OTHER

O ng
CINDERELLA ALL OTHERS
BUT IN A i
PR ns
FAIRY TALE AHH
ONLY SKINNY WOMEN PREVAIL! AHH
R ce

CINDERELLA
SO WE GOTTA KEEP OUR HEART RATES PUMPIN’
i
FO L

(they all do a quick grunt)

T ay

CINDERELLA & SNOW WHITE

JENNY-CRAIGING AND ROPE-JUMPIN’
N dw

ALL
JUST TO KEEP FROM GETTING PLUMP AN’ YET
oa

CINDERELLA
ALL I WANT
O
Br

THE LITTLE MERMAID, SNOW WHITE, HUA MULAN

& THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
TO DO IS EAT

SLEEPING BEAUTY
A Twinkie!

CINDERELLA
ALL I WANT

67
 THE LITTLE MERMAID, SNOW WHITE, HUA MULAN
& SLEEPING BEAUTY
TO DO IS EAT

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

Meatballs!

CINDERELLA, SNOW WHITE, THE LITTLE MERMAID

& SLEEPING BEAUTY

O l
(admonishing THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG)

TI sa
EVEN THOUGH PRINCESSES ARE TOLD
TO CUT BACK ON RED MEAT

C ru
N
HUA MULAN
MEAT

U e
D P
(ALL PRINCESSES throw a disapproving
look to HUA MULAN)

O ng
CINDERELLA
THAT DOESN’T KEEP ME FROM THINKIN’
i
ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT
PR ns
THE LITTLE MERMAID
A CHEETO
R ce

CINDERELLA
i

EAT
FO L

SNOW WHITE
T ay

A DORITO
N dw

CINDERELLA
EAT

HUA MULAN, SLEEPING BEAUTY

oa

& THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

A BURRITO
O
Br

CINDERELLA
EAT, EAT
ALL I WANNA DO IS EAT

SNOW WHITE
SOMETHIN’ FINGER-LICKIN’

CINDERELLA
EAT

68
 HUA MULAN
LIKE A BUCKET OF CHICKEN

CINDERELLA
EAT

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

A HOT DOG ON A STICK AN’

O l
CINDERELLA

TI sa
EAT, EAT
I’M SO HUNGRY I’M GONNA EAT

C ru
N
SNOW WHITE
A QUARTER POUNDER

U e
D P
CINDERELLA
GONNA EAT

O ng
ALL
’TIL I’M ROUNDER
i
PR ns
CINDERELLA
GONNA EAT
R ce

THE LITTLE MERMAID

MY FRIEND FLOUNDER!
i

MY FRIEND FLOUNDER!
FO L

EAT SUSHI
ALL I WANNA DO IS...
T ay

(BAND breaks down...THE LITTLE MERMAID riffs

N dw

on all the ways she will cook and eat her

friend Flounder...she suddenly realizes that
she has gone too far...the other PRINCESSES
look at her with disgust...beat)
oa

It’s fish.
O
Br

CINDERELLA
(scolding)
He is your best friend.

THE LITTLE MERMAID

I’m starving!

69
 (one by one, each of the PRINCESSES turn
their backs on THE LITTLE MERMAID. . .
THE LITTLE MERMAID, embarrassed, exits
in shame...CINDERELLA collects herself and
continues)

CINDERELLA
ALL I WANNA DO
ALL I WANNA DO

O l
TI sa
(she becomes caught up in the passion of
finally eating after all these years)

C ru
N
ALL I WANNA DO
OOOOO...OOOOOOOH...YA!

U e
D P
(she pulls the Butterfinger candy bar out of
her dress...she’s ready to eat it but then
fights with herself...she finally throws the

O ng
candy bar offstage where THE LITTLE MERMAID
just exited...CINDERELLA collects herself)
i
PR ns
IS EAT

ALL (EXCEPT THE LITTLE MERMAID)

R ce

EAT
i

(THE LITTLE MERMAID reenters carrying the

FO L

Butterfinger candy bar...opened...she offers

CINDERELLA a bite of the candy bar...after
T ay

reveling in its aroma and a bit of hesitation,

CINDERELLA takes a big bite out of the candy
N dw

bar)

ALL
(living vicariously through her...melting)
oa

Oh!
O
Br

(lights fade slowly to black...all exit

except CINDERELLA and HUA MULAN)

#18 CINDERELLA & HUA MULAN (UNDERSCORE)

70
 (as the lights come up, CINDERELLA and HUA
MULAN are discovered on opposite sides of
the stage...they clean the stage floor...
they inadvertently make eye contact...they
playfully flirt with one another from afar...
CINDERELLA winks at HUA MULAN...CINDERELLA
throws her leaves in the air and coyly
gestures for HUA MULAN to follow her offstage...
CINDERELLA exits...HUA MULAN throws her leaves

O l
in the air and enthusiastically runs after

TI sa
CINDERELLA)

C ru
N
#19 A HAPPY TUNE?

U e
D P
(drum roll and tremolo)

O ng
SNOW WHITE
(from behind the curtain)
i
And now...please welcome back to the stage...the one, the
PR ns
only...
R ce

(SNOW WHITE enters with a fake bluebird

on her finger)
i

Me.
FO L

(SFX: Bird whistling)

T ay

(mocking her Disney portrayal)

N dw

Why, what’s that you say?

(SFX: Bird whistling)

oa

Oh, goodness. You’re right. We haven’t talked about them

yet...so, since time is running short...I’d like to dedicate
O
Br

this next ‘happy tune’ to all our Prince Charmings without whom,
we princesses wouldn’t be...

(sarcastic now)

...where we are today.

(she giggles and is back to mocking the

Snow White of the animated movies)

BACK IN THE OLDEN DAYS

WHEN I HAD A CHORE TO DO
71
 SNOW WHITE (CONT.)
I’D WHISTLE THROUGH THE DAILY GRIND
UNTIL MY FACE TURNED BLUE

(SFX: Bird whistling)

(strong, empowered SNOW WHITE now)

NOW, THE CENTURIES HAVE PASSED

O l
AND I PRAY THINGS CHANGE REAL SOON

TI sa
‘CAUSE HERE I AM STILL WHISTLING
WHILE I’M DUSTING
WHILE I’M BISSELING

C ru
N
AND AS A WOMAN THAT GETS ME...BRISTLING

U e
SO IT’S TIME I CHANGED...THE TUNE

D P
(drum roll and tremolo)

O ng
Ladies and gentlemen, please welcome back to the stage my very
good friends...Cinderella and Sleeping Beauty!
i
PR ns
(they enter and pose...CINDERELLA holds
a triangle and SLEEPING BEAUTY carries a
duck call...they will censor the
R ce

expletives in the song as marked)

i

NOW, IF HE
FO L

WANTS ME TO DO DISHES
THEN TO THAT I SAY (duck call) YOU
T ay

AND IF HE WISHES I WOULD MOP THE FLOOR

N dw

WELL, HE CAN (triangle) THAT, TOO

HE THINKS I’LL CLEAN HIS HOUSE

THEN JUST SIT QUIET ON THE SHELF
oa

WELL, IF THAT’S THE FAIRY TALE HE WANTS

THEN HE CAN GO (duck call & triangle) HIMSELF!
O
Br

SNOW WHITE CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

FOR YEARS
FOR YEARS
WE’VE MADE THE BED
WE’VE MADE THE BED
AND WHISTLED SENSELESSLY
WHILE WE STAYED MUTE
WHILE WE STAYED MU...

72
 SNOW WHITE
(cutting them off)
BUT NOW
WE MUST GROW SOME BRASS
AND STOP THIS MINDLESS WHISTLING

SNOW WHITE CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

AND TELL
AND TELL

O l
THAT PRINCE

TI sa
THAT PRINCE
TO TAKE HIS OUT-OF-DATE DEMANDS
AND STICK THEM UP HIS CHARMING...

C ru
N
(duck call & triangle)

U e
(the cacophony continues until SNOW WHITE

D P
stops it)

SNOW WHITE

O ng
SO, WHEN HE
TELLS YOU TO DO LAUNDRY
i
PR ns
CINDERELLA
I’D LIKE TO SEE HIM TRY
R ce

SNOW WHITE
i

AND WHEN HE WANTS THE BATHROOM CLEANED

FO L

WELL, HE CAN EAT (triangle)

T ay

SLEEPING BEAUTY
And die!
N dw

SNOW WHITE
AND IF HE DOESN’T SHAPE UP
HE CAN KISS MY (duck call)
oa

GOODBYE
O
Br

‘CAUSE I’LL WHISTLE STRAIGHT OUT THAT FRONT DOOR

SLEEPING BEAUTY
AND THE GUY CAN MOP HIS OWN (triangle - 2 hits) FLOOR

CINDERELLA
‘CAUSE I AIN’T GONNA TAKE IT UP THE (loooong duck call)...

(beat)

(innocently)
73
 CINDERELLA
...NO MORE

SNOW WHITE
NOW, WE’VE ONE LAST THING TO DO
AND THAT’S TO SAY I LOVE YOU DEARLY
BUT IF THINGS DON’T CHANGE
THEN I’LL SIMPLY SAY

O l
(they break into three-part harmony)

TI sa
SNOW WHITE
FORGET

C ru
N
SLEEPING BEAUTY

U e
FORGET

D P
CINDERELLA
FORGET

O ng
ALL THREE
i
(forcefully; not pretty)
PR ns
YOU!

(CINDERELLA does “Shave and a Haircut” on

R ce

the triangle...SLEEPING BEAUTY does two

last toots on the duck call...they pose,
i

empowered)
FO L
T ay

(SNOW WHITE waves CINDERELLA and SLEEPING

BEAUTY off...CINDERELLA exits...SLEEPING
BEAUTY stays...she seems to have something
N dw

on her mind)

SNOW WHITE
oa

(to the AUDIENCE)

Okay, we’re running short on time so we’re jumping to the
finale!
O
Br

SLEEPING BEAUTY
(clearing her throat)
Excuse me, but uh...aren’t we forgetting a little something
here?

SNOW WHITE
(through a smile; humoring SLEEPING BEAUTY)
No, Sleepy. We’re almost out of time, so we’re jumping to the
finale.

74
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
But I’m awake now and I’m ready to sing my song.

SNOW WHITE
(slightly stronger now)
Finale.

SLEEPING BEAUTY
(laughing now...through a forced smile)

O l
Can we have a meeting?

TI sa
SNOW WHITE
(feeling awkward)

C ru
N
Uh...okay. Sure.

U e
SLEEPING BEAUTY

D P
Why can’t I sing my song?

SNOW WHITE

O ng
You’ve already had two chances - both of which you slept
through! Really, Sleepy, I don’t think I can stand one more
i
idiotic, dimwitted assault on my intelligence!
PR ns
CINDERELLA
(entering)
R ce

Hello!
i

SNOW WHITE
FO L

Oh, brother.
T ay

(to AUDIENCE)
N dw

We’ll be right with you, folks. We’re having a few more

technical difficulties...

SLEEPING BEAUTY
oa

Hi. Um, no, there are no technical difficulties. I just don’t

understand why I can’t sing my song.
O
Br

SNOW WHITE
And I don’t understand why she doesn’t understand that there’s
no time...

CINDERELLA
And I don’t understand why, when the prince came looking for the
girl who fit the glass slipper, that I was the only one in the
kingdom with a size seven. C’mon, girls, there are a lot of
size sevens out there—

75
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
(cutting CINDERELLA off mid-sentence)
Why can’t we just fit me in?

SNOW WHITE
Because you just don’t fit in!

(SLEEPING BEAUTY and CINDERELLA gasp at

SNOW WHITE’s statement)

O l
TI sa
Okay, that’s not what I meant. You know what I meant.

SLEEPING BEAUTY

C ru
N
Oh, I know what you meant. I totally get it. I’m not the
perfect princess with the perfect hair and the perfect make-up

U e
and the perfect...

D P
(she mimics the ‘perfect-princess-hands’ pose)

O ng
This! I thought tonight (today) wasn’t about being like...
i
(she mimics the ‘perfect-princess-hands’ pose)
PR ns
This. I thought maybe tonight (today) was about being like...
R ce

(she does a fun-loving pose)

i

This. Or like...
FO L

(she does another fun-loving pose)

T ay

This. Or you can even try...

N dw

(she does the biggest fun-loving pose of all)

This one on for size! But...

oa

(she mimics the ‘perfect-princess-hands’ pose)

O
Br

This...

(she mimics the ‘perfect-princess-hands’ pose)

This.
(she mimics the ‘perfect-princess-hands’ pose)

This...just isn’t me.

(beat)

76
 SNOW WHITE
(posing with ‘perfect-princess-hands’)
Oh, c’mon, Sleepy. That’s not fair. I didn’t mean that you had
to be like this...

(still posing with ‘perfect-princess-hands)

I was just trying to keep the show moving. I wanted to get our
message out...

O l
(SNOW WHITE looks down at her hands and

TI sa
realizes that she’s been forcing The
Princess Complex on everyone)

C ru
N
Oh. I get it.

U e
(beat; lowering her hands)

D P
And you know what? I actually think your song would fit
perfectly right here. So...shouldn’t you go get ready?

O ng
SLEEPING BEAUTY
i
(suddenly excited)
PR ns
Yes! Yes I should.
R ce

(SLEEPING BEAUTY exits...CINDERELLA,)

so proud of SNOW WHITE, gives her a
big beaming smile and a thumbs up)
i
FO L

SNOW WHITE
Okay, okay, okay...so I can be nice. Let it go.
T ay

(both SNOW WHITE and CINDERELLA stiffen

N dw

up, realizing the nod to the popular song)

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

(carried away in the moment, they sing)
oa

CAN’T HOLD IT BACK ANYMORE

O
Br

SNOW WHITE
(interrupting, mortified)
We are not doing this right now! Go get ready.

(CINDERELLA begins to exit)

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

(turning to each other)
THE COLD NEVER BOTHERED ME ANYWAY

(CINDERELLA exits)

77
 SNOW WHITE
Okay, I’m going to need that mirror.

(she grabs the mirror from offstage

and waves her hand magically at it)

And...

O l
#20 PERFECT

TI sa
C ru
N
(mark tree and “magic mirror” music)

U e
SNOW WHITE (CONT.)

D P
Mirror, mirror, in my hand
Why who’s that I see
As I strike up the band?

O ng
(the curtain opens...SLEEPING BEAUTY enters
i
with her own mirror in hand now)
PR ns
Go get ‘em.
R ce

(SNOW WHITE exits)

i

SLEEPING BEAUTY
FO L

I DON’T HAVE PERFECT LIPS

I DON’T HAVE PERFECT HAIR
T ay

MY SKIN IS SO
NOT WHITE AS SNOW
N dw

NO...
I’VE GOT FRECKLES EVERYWHERE

They’re just everywhere.

oa

AND I OFTEN FALL ASLEEP

O
Br

ON THE THRONE AND ON THE FLOOR

SOMETIMES I EVEN SNORE
BUT LET ME SHARE

THAT WHEN I SLEEP, I DREAM I’M PERFECT

A DAINTY LITTLE PRINCESS IN A MAGIC WOOD
WHERE I FLIT AROUND WITH GLEE
IN A GOWN THAT’S MADE BY GIVENCHY

‘CAUSE THAT’S THE GIRL I’M TOLD TO BE

IN MAGAZINES, ON MTV
AT THEME PARKS AND ON ABC
78
 SLEEPING BEAUTY (CONT.)
BUT THAT KIND OF GIRL

Scares the heck outta me!

‘Cause when I look in my mirror-mirror on the wall...

I REALLY, TRULY LIKE

THE GIRL I SEE!

O l
TI sa
‘CAUSE I’M PERFECT
I’M PERFECTLY PERFECT
I LIKE THE SIZE OF MY NOSE

C ru
N
I’m in love from my head to my toes

U e
D P
‘CAUSE I’M PERFECT
I’M PERFECT JUST THE WAY THAT I AM
WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT ME?

O ng
NOW, THERE ARE THOSE WHO WILL TELL YOU
i
TO CORSET IT, SQUEEZE IT, AND CINCH
PR ns
it
R ce

PINCH EV’RY INCH YOU CAN PINCH

IT’S INSANITY!
i
FO L

WHY CAN’T WE SEE

THAT WHEN THIS GIRDLING, BELTING, AND
T ay

STRAPPING DEFINES WHO WE ARE

IT’S GONE TOO FAR?
N dw

And kids,

THAT’S NOT FOR ME!

oa

I’VE GOT A BETTER IDEOLOGY

O
Br

AND HERE’S WHAT MY MIRROR-MIRROR’S TELLING ME:

I’M PERFECT
I’M PERFECT JUST THE WAY THAT I AM
WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT

I’M HOT
I’LL STAND UP AND SHOUT IT OUT

I’VE GOT
THAT CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI-LITY
79
 SLEEPING BEAUTY (CONT.)
‘CAUSE I’M PERFECT
PERFECTLY

Me!

SNOW WHITE & CINDERELLA

Me!

O l
HUA MULAN & THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

TI sa
Me!

THE LITTLE MERMAID

C ru
N
Me!

U e
PRINCESSES

D P
(EXCEPT FOR SLEEPING BEAUTY)
Me and me and me...

O ng
SLEEPING BEAUTY
And me!
i
PR ns
(dance break)

SLEEPING BEAUTY
R ce

C’mon girls, let’s take it home!

i

ALL
FO L

Five, six, seven...

T ay

I’M PERFECT
I’M PERFECTLY
N dw

PERFECT

SLEEPING BEAUTY
THIS WOMAN HAS FOUND HER NICHE
oa

Who needs Abercrombie and Fitch?!

O
Br

ALL
I’M PERFECT
I’M PERFECT JUST THE WAY THAT I AM

WHAT’S NOT TO LOVE ABOUT

I’M HOT
I’LL STAND UP AND SHOUT IT OUT

SLEEPING BEAUTY
GUESS WHAT?
80
 SLEEPING BEAUTY (CONT.)
I’M PERFECTLY WILD ABOUT ME

ALL
LET’S AGREE THAT

WE OUGHT
NEVER HAVE HAD A DOUBT

O l
NOR THOUGHT

TI sa
THAT WE COULDN’T TURN IT OUT

WE’VE GOT THAT CERTAIN JE NE SAIS QUOI-LITY!

C ru
N
‘CAUSE WE’RE PERFECT

U e
D P
SNOW WHITE
PERFECT

O ng
HUA MULAN
PERFECT
i
PR ns
SLEEPING BEAUTY
I’M PERFECT
R ce

ALL
PERFECT
i

PERFECT, YOU SEE

FO L

CINDERELLA, THE LITTLE MERMAID,

T ay

HUA MULAN & THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

SHE’S PERFECT
N dw

SNOW WHITE
PERFECT
oa

HUA MULAN, SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA,

THE LITTLE MERMAID & THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
O
Br

PERFECT!

SLEEPING BEAUTY
I’M PERFECTLY
I AM PERFECTLY
I’M PERFECTLY, PERFECTLY, PERFECTLY

(she slides up the octave into goofy head

voice)

(Ethel Merman-esque big ending)

ME!
81
 SLEEPING BEAUTY (CONT.)
I’m perfect just the way that I am!

(final pose...a church clock chimes)

CINDERELLA
O - M - F - G!

(the PRINCESSES gasp...did CINDERELLA just

O l
use profanity?)

TI sa
(explaining)

C ru
N
Oh, My Fairy Godmother.

U e
(they are relieved)

D P
It must be getting close to nine-twenty-five! It’s almost nine-
twenty-five! Nine-twenty-five! You know what that means?

O ng
SLEEPING BEAUTY
i
That you finally learned to tell time?
PR ns
CINDERELLA
No. It means the show is almost over!
R ce

SNOW WHITE
i

Well, in that case...we’d like to thank you for coming out

FO L

tonight (today)...Mulan.
T ay

#20a OMFG / SNOW WHITE’S RIMSHOT

N dw

(rimshot...HUA MULAN is caught off guard

oa

but takes the joke in stride)

O
Br

CINDERELLA
Stop it! Look, we gotta hightail it outta here ‘cause we all
know what happens when you hear that sound!

(the PRINCESSES have all heard this before

from CINDERELLA)

82
 CINDERELLA (CONT.)
The clock begins to chime, and then there’s all sorts of running
down stairs and screaming, and glass slippers flying everywhere
and your coach turns into a pumpkin and the footmen become rats,
and sure, at first they seem like they’re nice little rodents
but, in reality, rats and mice are vermin and they’re dirty and
they carry diseases! And you can’t trust them because they have
those beady little eyes that hypnotize you into thinking that
they’re cute and fuzzy and furry and friendly but the truth of

O l
the matter is that all they want to do is multiply and take over

TI sa
the world and before you know it, they’re everywhere! They’re
even on Main Street USA, taking pictures with your children and
signing autographs!

C ru
N
(beat)

U e
D P
SNOW WHITE
You know what? You’re right.

O ng
CINDERELLA
I am?
i
PR ns
(with more confidence now
)
I am!
R ce

SNOW WHITE
Yes, you are. I mean, The Princess Complex is everywhere. But
i

tonight (today), we stood up against it.

FO L

SLEEPING BEAUTY
T ay

And we did it together!

N dw

SNOW WHITE
Yes, we did. And now it’s time.
oa

#21 ONCE UPON A TIME

O
Br

SNOW WHITE (CONT.)

It’s time we took those well-worn fairy tales and movies with
their misguided messages, and make them what they really ought
to be. Nothing more than just once upon a time.

ONCE UPON A TIME

A PRINCESS ATE AN APPLE
POOR GIRL DROPPED DEAD RIGHT THERE ON THE SPOT

83
 SLEEPING BEAUTY
ONCE UPON A TIME
A PRINCESS PRICKED HER FINGER
AND AFTER THAT, THAT PRINCESS SLEPT

An awful lot.

CINDERELLA
ONCE UPON A TIME

O l
A PRINCESS IN GLASS SLIPPERS

TI sa
WENT TO THE BALL SO SHE COULD LEAVE HER BROOM BEHIND

SNOW WHITE, SLEEPING BEAUTY & CINDERELLA

C ru
N
NO MATTER THE STORY
WE WERE CONVINCED

U e
THAT HAPP’LY EVER AFTER

D P
MEANT BEING SAVED BY A PRINCE

(with empowerment and determination now)

O ng
WELL, THAT WAS ONCE UPON A TIME
i
PR ns
ALL
THAT WAS ONCE UPON A TIME
R ce

THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

ONCE UPON A TIME
i

A PRINCESS GOT SOME COLOR

FO L

JUST TO MAKE A STUDIO SOME LOOT

T ay

THE LITTLE MERMAID

ONCE UPON A TIME
N dw

A PRINCESS FROM THE OCEAN

GAVE UP EV’RYTHING SHE HAD FOR A GUY SHE THOUGHT WAS CUTE

HUA MULAN
oa

ONCE UPON A TIME

PRINCESSES WOULD DIE FOR
O
Br

A HANDSOME STRANGER TO BRING THEM BACK TO LIFE

(she winks at CINDERELLA)

ALL
AND NO MATTER THE STORY
WE WERE CONVINCED

SNOW WHITE, CINDERELLA & SLEEPING BEAUTY

THAT PRINCESSES IN CASTLES

84
 ALL
WEARING BALL GOWNS WITH TASSELS
ARE THE ONLY WOMEN
LIVING HAPP’LY EVER AFTER SINCE

WELL, THAT WAS ONCE UPON A TIME

HUA MULAN
NOW, THERE’S MUCH MORE TO THE STORY

O l
TI sa
ALL
WE’RE SO OVER
SONGS THAT RHYME

C ru
N
THE PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG

U e
AND MOVIES THAT IGNORED ME - YAH!

D P
ALL
AND WE PAY THE PRICE

O ng
SNOW WHITE
i
WHILE THEY SELL US OUT ON STAGE AND ICE
PR ns
CINDERELLA
I THOUGHT TALKING MICE WERE SUBLIME
R ce

BUT THAT WAS ONCE UPON A

i

ALL
FO L

TIME
T ay

HUA MULAN
WHEN GIRLS WERE SECONDARY
N dw

ALL
ONCE UPON A TIME
WHEN OUR ONLY GOAL WAS TO GET MARRIED
oa

WE’RE SO BEYOND
O
Br

EV’RY CHEESY SEQUEL WE HAVE SPAWNED

WE USED TO LIKE...ANAHEIM!

BUT THAT WAS ONCE UPON A TIME

THAT WAS ONCE UPON A TIME
THAT WAS ONCE UPON A
TIME

AH-AH

(the PRINCESSES strike an empowered pose...

BLACKOUT...they disappear)
85
 #22 BOWS - ONE MORE HAPP’LY EVER AFTER (REPRISE)

(after the PRINCESSES have returned and

taken their bows)

SNOW WHITE
WE’LL STEAL THE

O l
HORSES FROM THE STABLE

TI sa
PRINCESS WHO KISSED THE FROG
TROT AS FAST AS WE ARE ABLE

C ru
N
CINDERELLA

U e
THROUGH THE FOREST, WITH THE NOTION

D P
THE LITTLE MERMAID
THAT WE’LL RIDE UP TO THE OCEAN

O ng
SLEEPING BEAUTY
i
WHERE WE’LL TAKE OUR FINAL WHIFF
PR ns
HUA MULAN
R ce

AS WE ALL GALLOP OFF A CLIFF

SNOW WHITE
AND AS WE PLUNGE INTO THOSE SEAS
i
FO L

SLEEPING BEAUTY & CINDERELLA

WE’LL CHANNEL THELMA AND LOUISE
T ay

ALL
N dw

THEN SURELY EVERYONE WILL SEE

THAT WE’LL DIE EVER HAPPILY
KNOWING THAT
oa

(all, in unison, take a huge, comical,

deep breath)
O
Br

WE’LL
FI-NAL-LY
BE

SNOW WHITE
(holding up CINDERELLA’s broom;
a la Elphaba from Wicked)
FREE - EE - EE - EEEEEE!

ALL OTHERS
FREE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE-HE!
86
 CINDERELLA
Free!

SLEEPING BEAUTY
Free!

ALL
WE FINALLY ARE FREE!

O l
(final pose...blackout)

TI sa
C ru
#23 EXIT MUSIC - PERFECT (INSTRUMENTAL)

N
U e
D P
THE END

O ng
i
PR ns
R ce
i
FO L
T ay
N dw
oa
O
Br

87
 Br
oa
N dw
O
T ay
FO L
i
R ce
PR ns
i
O ng
D P
U e
C ru
TI sa
O l
N
 DISENCHANTED!

O l
TI sa
BOOK, MUSIC & LYRICS BY

C ru
N
DENNIS T. GIACINO

U e
D P
O ng
DEVELOPED WITH
FIELY MATIAS
i
PR ns
R ce
i
FO L
T ay

SAFE-ON-STAGE VERSION
N dw

SCHOOL EDITION
oa

SCORE SAMPLE
O
Br

07/29/20
 Br
oa
N dw
O
T ay
FO L
i
R ce
PR ns
i
O ng
D P
U e
C ru
TI sa
O l
N
NO. 1.
ONE MORE HAPP'LY EVER AFTER
(Snow White, Cinderella, Sleeping Beauty) Dennis T. Giacino

ANNOUNCER:
"And now...
[MUSIC]... (SW reads from book)
from lands far, [MUSIC]
far away..."

œ œ œ. œœ˙ œ œ ˙
"...and Sleeping (follow dialogue) +Tri.

# œ. œœœ œ
Beauty!" [MUSIC OUT]

& c ∑ Ó Œ

O l
TI sa
rubato P

C ru
?# c U
Piano
œ œ

N
∑ œœ œœ œœœ œœœ ˙˙˙
æ &
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ßp w

U e
w

D P
>

O ng
SW: "...and soon after...[CHORD]
they were married." [GO ON]
i U
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+B. tree

w œ. œ œ œ. œ
PR ns
# www œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ
J
6

&
R ce

# U
Pno.

œ œ œ
œ
i

& ww œ œ œ ˙˙˙ ˙˙˙ ˙˙

FO L

œ œ ˙
œ
T ay
N dw

SB: "...and soon after...[CHORD]

C: "...and soon after...[CHORD] they were married." [GO ON] ALL: "Not exactly."
U
they were married." [GO ON]

U
oa

SW: "Hit it!"

w œ ˙
# www œ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ˙˙ œ œ œœ œœ œ œ˙ œ ˙˙˙
[GO ON]
U
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a tempo
∑
10

& œ œ ˙ œœœœ
O

Ó
Br

F
# U œ œœ œ U U œœ œœ œ "
Pno.

? œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ ∑ œœ .
& w œ œ .
J œ
fl

Copyright© 2006-2019 by Dennis T. Giacino

All Rights Reserved
 ONE MORE HAPP'LY EVER AFTER
2

Uœ U
(long)
# œ œ œ Uœ œ œ " œ
SNOW WHITE:
colla voce
œ j
16

& œ œ œ œ œ
3
œ œœœ œ. œ œ. œ œ œ œ
You can call me Snow. Lips cher - ry red e ed. A
U U
# U "Œ
˙˙˙ Œ Ó ˙˙ œœ œœ ˙˙ ..
16

& œœœ œœœ ˙

œ œ
P U
j
rubato
U̇ ‰ œ ˙ ˙.
Pno.

? # œœ .. œ ˙ U

O l
Œ "Œ Ó w.

TI sa
œ u
J

C ru
N
# U

U e
faster

œ œ œ œ . œ ‰ œj
19

& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ

D P
œ œ

O ng
mil - lion dol - lar crown with shi - ny jewels sits on my pret - ty, lit - tle head. A cas - tle on a hill, A

# U
˙
19

& œœ œœ œœ œœ ˙˙˙ œœœ

œ œœ ˙˙
œœ œœ
i
PR ns
j j Uœ .
Pno.

? # œj œ j œ j œ
faster rubato

œ œJ œ j
œ œ œ œ. œ #œ
R ce

J œ nœ
i
FO L

# U
T ay

œ œ
& œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œ œ œ ‰
22

œ œ œ œ œ
N dw

hand - some prince for kiss - ing. There’s noth - ing that’s gone miss - ing From the

# U
oa

& œ˙˙ œ œ œ œœ Œ ˙˙˙

22

œ ˙˙
œ ‰ ˙ ˙
J
O
Br

Œ
Pno.

?# ˙ œ nœ œ
œ œ ˙
˙ nœ u ˙
Ó
 (CINDERELLA steps forward ONE MORE HAPP'LY EVER AFTER
3
U
to sing but SW isn't quite finished yet)

"
(riff)

# œ œ œ œœœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœœ œ œ œ œ œ " œ œœœ œ œ œ œ œ

24

& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
fai - ry tales you’ve read. read. read.

# U" U" U"

˙˙ ˙˙ ˙˙
24

& ˙˙ ˙˙ ˙˙ ˙˙
˙
U˙ " U˙ " U˙ "
œ
Pno.
?# œ ˙ ˙ ˙

O l
œ

TI sa
U
# ~œ "

C ru
Allegretto q=100
SW: "Go."

N
Œ Œ ‰ j
CINDERELLA:

œ
26

& œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ ˙. œ

U e
D P
I own ball gowns made of taf - fe - ta and silk. Hair;
# Ó"
Œ Œ œ œœ œœ œœ
26

& œœ œ œœ œœ ˙˙

O ng
œ
˙˙
poco rit.
j œ. œ. œ œ
Pno.
?# Ó "
i dolce

Œ Œ œ œ œ
PR ns
J
R ce

# U
"
SLEEPING BEAUTY:

œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ œj œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
29

& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
i
FO L

love - ly as the daf - fo - dil, pearls; pure and smooth as milk. I dream of nev - er - end - ing youth, no
U œ U
# n œœœ
T ay

œœ
a tempo
˙ œœ Œ Œ
a tempo rit.
œœ
29

& œœ œœ œ œœ # ˙˙
N dw

. œ Uœ œ œ œ n œœ U
? # œj œ . œ œ œœ Œ
Pno.

#œ œ Œ
J
oa

SW: "Would you SW/

O
Br

# U
wake up?!" C/

‰ "
SB:

œ œ
32 SW:

& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ
wrink - les and no lines. 'Cause it's time we told the world the truth that
# ˙ U " ‰
& ˙ œ Œ
32

œœ œ œ œ œ.
œ
˙˙ œ
œ U
Pno.
?# Œ œ œ œ Œ"
œ œ
 NO. 4. WITHOUT THE GUY Dennis T. Giacino
(Hua Mulan)

(HUA MULAN is revealed.) [MUSIC]

Andante q = 98
# 4 U U U
& 4 ∑ Ó Œ. ‰ Ó Œ Œ ∑
U
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œU œœœ œœœ œ œ œ œ œ
œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ U œ œ œ

O l
# 4 œ. œ ˙

TI sa
& 4 œ œ
‰Œ Œ Ó
P rubato u

C ru
U

N
# 4 ˙˙ U U
Piano
˙˙ b ˙˙ œ . ‰
& 4 ˙ ˙ ˙ n œœ .. œœ œœ œ Œ n ww

U e
D P
O ng
a tempo

# U
rit.

∑ ‰ ‰ . r 46
5 HUA MULAN:

&
i
œ œ œ œ. œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
PR ns
œ
U A - sian girls are pret - ty with those blos - soms in their hair,
R ce

# œ œ ˙
So

& ˙˙ ˙ œœœ œ ˙˙ œœœ œ ˙ 46

5

˙ b ˙˙
i
FO L

rit. a tempo

# U
Pno.
˙ ˙ ˙ ˙
& w ?
46
T ay
N dw

# 6 " 4
œ œ œ œj ≈ œr œ œ œ ≈ ‰ . R¿ 4 ¿ Ó
8
oa

& 4 œ œ œ œ œ.
O
Br

beau - ti - ful and du - ti - ful and vir - gi - nal... I

j"
swear.

# œœ ‰
& 46 Œ œœ 44 Œ œœ œœœ
8

œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œ
œ œ
Pno.
œ œ œ œ œ œ "
? # 46 n œ œ œ œ ‰ 44 Œ ˙ .
J
Copyright© 2006-2019 by Dennis T. Giacino
All Rights Reserved
 WITHOUT THE GUY
2

# œ. œ œ œ œ
& ‰ œ œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ œ. Œ Ó
10 3

˙ œ œ
Ser - ving up a - ’no - ther cup - pa tea with lo - ving care; Done that

œœ œ œ
# œ Œ Œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙
10

& œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ # ˙˙
˙
n ˙˙˙ ... œœœœ

?# œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
Pno.

O l
#œ nœ œ ˙ œ œ

TI sa
#˙ œ

C ru
N
U e
# Œ ‰≈ r ‰ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ "Œ ‰

D P
13

& œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ.

O ng
been there. But I am no one’s gei - sha ’cause that’s Ja - pa - nese. And let's

# j ‰
œœ . œ œ œ œ œ " Ó
i
& Œ œœ œ ˙ œ Ó
13
PR ns
œ ˙ ‰ Ó
œ œ
R ce

? # œ œ ˙.
Pno.
œ œ J ‰ Ó " Ó
Ó ˙
i
FO L
T ay

f
Poco piu mosso

#
N dw

œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ œ ≈ œ
16

& œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
oa

not ig nore in Chi - nese lore I went to war and saved the day. Yes, I

# œœ
œœœ œœ œœ œ œœ œœœ œœ
16

& œ œ
O

œœ
Br

œ œ œ œ œ œ
Pno.

?# œ œ œ #œ œ #œ
œ œ
œ œ œ #œ œ #œ
 NO. 11. FINALLY Dennis T. Giacino

(The Princess Who Kissed The Frog, Snow White,

Cinderella, The Little Mermaid, Hua Mulan)

Cue: SW: “Momma's gonna need you to focus!"

(SW & C pose)

Excitedly dainty q=116

# 2
& # 4 .. ∑ ∑ .. œ œ # œ . œ
SW/C: accel.

œ œ #œ œ œ #œ œ

O l
C:

œ œ

TI sa
It’s so keen, it's down - right swell that she’s stand - ing here with

C ru
. . . œ. œ. # œ-
œœ. œ œœ . œœ. œ # œœ- œ

N
# # 2 . œœ. œ # œœ œœ. œ œœ. œ
& 4 . .

U e
p

D P
#
Piano accel.

& # 42 .. œ œ. œ . œ œ œ. œ
œ. . œ . . œ. . œ .
œ œ. œ œ. œ œ

O ng . œ. œ. œ. .
i
PR ns
# U
˙ œ Œ
R ce

FROG PRINCESS:

& # Ó ∑ Ó ∑
6
i
FO L

Me!
## U
œ œ œ œ œ œ nœ œ œ œ œ nœ œ nœ œ Œ ‰"œ # œ
SW/C: rit. SW:

& œ ∑
T ay

U U
well - told tale that we'd
N dw

Cin - der - ell... It's a like to tell. And it stars... Yes, it’s

. - . n œ. œ- .œ n œ. œ- n œœ- œœœ- # ˙˙˙

# # œœ. œ œœ œ
nœ œ nœ œ nœ ∑
~~~~

&
oa

## U U
rit.

˙
Pno.
O

œ n œ n œ. œ . œ œ
n œ. n œ. œ n n œœ- œ- ˙˙
Br

œ Œ
?
& œ
œ. . œ . .
~~~

œ.

Copyright© 2006-2019 by Dennis T. Giacino

All Rights Reserved
 FINALLY
2

# r
‰ ≈ œ œ n œ œ . œ 44
(Operatically)

& # ∑ Ó ∑ Œ
12 a tempo FP:

##
And now it's time to

4
œ œ # œ . œ œ œ œ œ# œ œ œ # œ œ œ ‰ Ó
SW/C:

& œ œ J 4
ta - ken time to see the light of a mo - vie screen so big and bright
## 44
œœ œ. # œœ œ. œœ œœ œ. # œœ œœ œ. œ n œœ. n œ. œœ-
12

& œœ œ-
. - . - . - .

O l
TI sa
. .
? # # œ. œ œ . œ œ. œ. . œ . œ. œ . œ . œ. œ n œ. n œ œ . œ 4
Pno. a tempo

œ œ œ œ. 4

C ru
N
U e
D P
U
# # 4 rit. n œ ˙ " œ . œ ˙ Œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ###
œ œ"œ U
& 4 œ
17

O ng
œ J J
i make it right.
PR ns
I de - cree I'm fin - al - ly part of the roy - al men - a - ge -

" ˙ " U U
## 4 ###
n œ ˙
& 4 n œœ œœ # ˙˙ Œ # œœœ œ œ ˙˙ œœœ œ œ œœœ œ œ œ j"‰ œœœ œœ
17

œœ œ œ
R ce

fl
. œ.
rit.

œœ
˙" ˙˙ " œ.
i

? # # 44 n œ n œ
Pno.
Uœ Uœ
FO L

Œ J œ œ ‰." ‰ ###
J J œ
-
T ay
N dw

SW: “Please help us welcome...

The Princess
oa

Who Kissed The Frog." Slower (Quasi Recitative)

# # # ˙a tempo
Ó .. ∑ .. ‰ . r Œ 42
21 Safety FP:

&
O

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
Br

œ œ œ œ
rie.
When I was a girl, all I e - ver want -ed to be

### j
.. .. œœœœ ˙˙˙˙ 42
21

& œœ œ œœ œ œœ œ œœ œ ggg www

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ ..
œ.
Pno. P colla voce

? ### œ .
˙ œ . œ œ œ œ .. ww
œ
œœ .
. œ ˙
J 42
 FINALLY
3

### 2 3 ‰ j 44
3

& 4 ‰ œ œœ œ
25

4
3 3

œ œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
### 2
was a sto - ry - book prin -cess. When I was a ba - by, I hoped and prayed may - be I’d

& 4 ˙˙˙˙ 43 œœœ œ ˙˙˙˙ 44

25

œ gg ˙˙˙ ˙˙
g ˙
? ### 2 ˙
Pno.
3 4 ˙
4 4 ˙. 4 ˙ ˙
˙

O l
TI sa
### j
(Lilting, sweet)
‰œ œ œ œ 3 6 œ œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ
˙ 4 œ œ ˙
28

& 8 œ œ.

C ru
œ

N
U e
### j
be a sto - ry book prin -cess. I had a dream to be part of that team and

43 œ˙˙ . œ œ œ œ 68 œœ j œœ œœœ œœœ œj

D P
28

& w‰w ˙ . œ œœœ .. ‰ œ

œ
œ
œ ˙. ˙ .. ‰ œ . œ.
J
? ###
O ng
Pno.
i w 43 ˙ . 68 ˙ . ˙.
PR ns
### U U A Little faster
4
n œ œ œ . œj œ œ j
32

& œ œ. œ œ œ œ. œ œ 4 ˙
R ce

œ. œ œ œ
i

bet - ter late than ne - ver, that's a fact. And now I am that sto - ry book
FO L

U
### œ . 44 œ œ gg n # ˙˙˙
œœ .. n œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ
32
T ay

& œ œ œ Œ. œ œ œ ggg ˙˙ œ
nœ œ œœ œ
N dw

? ### ˙ .
Pno.
44 w w w
oa

q=144
###
O

Œ Ó ∑ ∑
36 "Motown-esque" FP: “That's right! I made it!”
Br

& ˙. œ œ œ œ œ
œ ˙
¨
prin -cess that's fin - ‘lly gone black!
###
œœœ œ œœ ˙˙ œœœ Œ Ó
36

& œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œ n œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ n œœœ
f
? # # # ‰w œ . ˙ œœ̈ Œ
Pno.

Ó œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ œ
 NO. 14. NOT VONE RED CENT Dennis T. Giacino
(Rapunzel, Snow White, Cinderella)
SW/C:
"Ladies *und gentlemen, please **willkomen...Rapunzel!" [MUSIC]
*(exaggerate "und" to sound like "ooont.")
**(pronounced "villkommen")
RAPUNZEL:
"Und now...I sing!"
Weilly unt Wagnery

b 2 U
&b 4 ∑ ∑ ∑ Ó
(RAPUNZEL enters) RAPUNZEL:

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ

O l
TI sa
˙˙˙ ˘œ U
Mine is a tale of pain and voe; A

? b b 42 b ˙˙˙˙˙ ˙ œœ
œœ
b œœ n œœ œœœ ‰ Œ
b œœ n œœ

C ru
˙˙ j

N
&
J ˙˙ œ. œœ
f # œœ .. œ.

U e
> >
F

D P
colla voce

j ‰ UŒ
Piano

? b b 42 j j j
œœ . œœ œœ . œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ˙ #œ. œ.
. .

O ng
> >
i fl
b ‰ ≈ r œ œ œ œj œ j
&b œ œ ‰ œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰œ
PR ns
7

œ œ œ
R ce

deep, dark tra-ge - dy! Und I've got a sto - ry, it's a vell - told al - le - go - ry. No lies, no

b ‰ œj œj ‰ j j j
& b œœ œœ œ œœœ ‰ ‰ œœœ Œ
7

œœœ ... œœœ œœœ # œœœ œœœ

i

œœ œœ
# œœœ
FO L

œ. œ. # œœ . fl > >
fl fl
T ay

Pno.

? bb ‰ œj œj ‰ j j‰ ‰ j Œ
.
N dw

œ. œ. œ fl œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
fl > > œ
fl
oa

U
(Loud, guttural,

U U U
bb
a tempo

Œ Œ "Œ ‰ j
drawn out)

‰ j Œ œ œ ¿ Œ
13

& œ #œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
O

œ œ œ œ
Br

~~~

œ. " U U
fibs, no cock no cock und bull. Nein! I’ve got a yarn zat I vill
b œ ‰ Œ Œ UŒ U
& b Œ #œ Œ œ bœ œ Œ Œ
?
13

& J # ˙˙æ˙ ˙˙æ˙ œœ

œœ
œœ
œœ
# œœ fl ˙ ˙ œ
fl U
~~~~

U U ‰
Pno.

? bb Œ "∑
a tempo

Œ Œ Œ ˙æ ˙æ j‰ Œ j
~~~~

œ œ ˙ ˙ œ œ œ
~~~~

œ œ œ ˙
~

fl fl fl
Copyright© 2006-2019 by Dennis T. Giacino
All Rights Reserved
 NOT VONE RED CENT
2
RAPUNZEL:

b j ≈ r
&b œ œ‰ Œ Œ ≈
21 "Of a catastrophe!"

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
. j
spin for you und it's a vop - per See, it’s a - bout ze vay zat
b j j ‰ ‰ j
& b # ˙˙˙ ‰ n œœ ‰
21

œ b œœ œœ
˙ Óœœ œ œœ n œœ
œœ
œ.
œœ
œ.
fl fl
‰
Pno.

? b j ‰ ‰ j
colla voce
j œ œ ‰ j ‰ œ œ

O l
b #œ œ œ œ œ j

TI sa
œ œ . fl œ œ. œ.
#˙
fl

C ru
N
b
&b œ j ‰ ‰
25

U e
œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ

D P
I’m dis - played on - line on ze Vorld Vide Veb and on sale at ze lo - cal

b
& b œj ‰ j

O ng
‰ j ‰ ‰ j j ‰ ‰ j
25

œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ œœ ˙
.
i œ. # œ. œ. # œ. œ. # ˙˙
PR ns
Pno.

? b b œj ‰ j j j j j
decrescendo poco a poco

‰ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ ˙
R ce

œ. œ. œ. œ. œ. œ. ˙
i
FO L

Brunhildesque (LOUD!)

b U j
T ay

&b ~ ‰
œ # œ œ ~~~~~ œ # œ œ . j j ‰ ≈ œ œ œ œ. j j ‰ ≈¿ ¿ ¿
29

œ œ œ œ
N dw

Dol - lar Tree. I find

fl fl
my - self On ev - ’ry Val -
fl fl
mart shelf und dis Valt
oa

U
bb
a tempo
œ Œ ‰ Œ ≈ œœ œœ œœ ˙ Œ
œ˙˙ # œ œ
29

& œœœ ... œœ œœ œœ œœ

œœ œ œ œ ˙˙ œ- œ œ œ
O

œ.
Br

Pno.
π f
? bb U j j j j
Œ œ. œ œ ‰ œ œ ‰
˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ œ- œ œ œ
> fl fl
 NOT VONE RED CENT
3

b U U UU
&b ¿ ¿ ¿ Œ ‰ œ œ #œ œ œ œ ˙ j j œ
35

¿ ¿ ¿
˙ ~~~~~~~~ œ œ œ
Dis-ney has pimped me out to ze suits on ol’ Vall Street. Now I’m on...

bb U ‰ ¿ UŒ j U U U
˙ œ ‰Œ ‰ ‰ ‰ ‰
35

& œœ ... #˙œ˙ #œ nœ

œ ˙˙ œœ
TRI fl
U
Pno.

? b U ‰ ∑
U U U
b j‰ Œ ‰ ‰ ‰ ‰

O l
˙ ˙ œ

TI sa
œ.
œ
fl

C ru
N
Very slowly, teasing q=50
j

U e
b
accel. poco a poco

&b ‰ œ "‰ ‰ ≈ r
œ œ œj œ
41

œ œ #œ œ œ œ œ œ œ #œ œ

D P
#œ #œ œ

O ng
t - shirts, I’m on tea sets, heck, I’m e - ven on your vatch! Und I’ve seen my face most

(pretend you're playing

i . . . .
an accordion at Oktoberfest)

b j
PR ns
. . œœ ‰ "Œ
&b ‰ j
41

œ #œ œ œ
œœ œœœ œœœ œ œœœ œœœ # œœœ œ œ œ #œ œ œ œ #œ œ
œ œ œ œ fl # œ. œ. œ.
R ce

Pno. accel. poco a poco

? bb ‰ œ ‰ ‰ œ ‰ œ ‰ j ‰ "Œ ‰ œ ‰
i

œ ‰
FO L

œ œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ fl œ
T ay

b > "
N dw

& œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ # œ œ œ œ . œJ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰ ‰ œ œ
b
46
oa

ev - ’ry place, I’m on Pam - pers near ze ba - by's crotch! You can e - ven find my kis - ser on your

b . . . j ‰ œj ‰ œj ‰ œj
& b ‰ œj ‰
46

œœ œœ # œœ œ œœ œœ
œ œœœ œœœ œœ
O

# œ. # œœ.
œœ
Br

œ. œ œ œ œ > . . . # œœ. œœ. œœ.

Pno.

? b ‰ ‰ Œ œ ‰ œ ‰ œ ‰ œ‰
b ‰ œ œ ‰ œ œ
œ œ œ œ œ
œ œ œ
 NO. 21.
ONCE UPON A TIME Dennis T. Giacino

(Company)
SNOW WHITE:
"Yes, we did. And now it's time." [MUSIC]
"It’s time we took those well-worn fairy tales and
Andante moderato q=90 movies with their misguided messages, and made them
what they really ought to be. Nothing more than just once upon a time."

4 œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œ œ œ œ œ ˙˙
legato

b œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙˙
rit.

& 4 œ œ
P

O l
TI sa
4
Piano

&b 4 œ œ
?
œœ œ œ œ ˙˙ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙˙
œ œ œ œ

C ru
N
‰ œj œ

U e
&b
SNOW WHITE:

j
5

œ œ œ œ œ œ œœ œ
3

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ œ œ œ œ

D P
Once up - on a time a prin -cess ate an ap - ple, Poor girl dropped dead right there on the

O ng
& b ˙˙˙ ˙˙˙ ˙˙˙ ˙˙˙ œœœ œœ
5

˙ œœœ œœ
p
i œ œ
PR ns
?b œ œ œœ œ œ œ œœ œ œ
œœ œ œ œ œ œœ
Pno.

œ
R ce

SLEEPING BEAUTY:

& b j‰ Œ Ó
i

j
8

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. œ œ
FO L

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
T ay

spot. Once up-on a time a princ - cess pricked her fin - ger,

&b ˙˙˙ œœ œœ œœ œœ ˙˙˙ ˙˙

8

˙ ˙˙ œœœœ ... œ
j ˙˙˙
.
N dw

˙
? b œ œ œ œœ œœœ œ œ
Pno.

œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ œ
oa

œ œ œ œ
O
Br

&b ‰ j œ œ œ ≈¿ ¿ ¿ j ‰ Œ 42 ∑ 44
11

œ œ œ œ œ ¿
And af - ter that, that prin - cess slept an aw - ful lot.

& b œœœ œœœ œœ œœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ 42 œœ œœ œœ œœ 44

11

œ œ œ œ œ œ
. œœ ..
? b œœ . œœ j œœ .. œœ 24 œœœ œœ
Pno.
œ 44
J œ œ œ œ. œ
J
œ
Copyright© 2006-2019 by Dennis T. Giacino
All Rights Reserved
 ONCE UPON A TIME
2

4
CINDERELLA:

& b 4 œ œ œ œ œ œ œ. j œ œ œ œ œ œ œ ‰œ œ œ œ œœ œ œ œ
14

œ J œ
Once up - on a time a prin -cess in glass slip - pers Went to the ball so she could leave

4
& b 4 œœœ œ œœ
œœ œ œœ œ œœœ œ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœœ œœ
œœ œœ
14

œœ œœ œœ œ œœ
# œœœ œœ
? b 44 œœ .. œœ j œœ j j
Pno.

œ. œ œ . œ ˙˙ œ œ œ. œ #œ. œ
J œ. œ ˙

O l
TI sa
2 r
j 44
SW/SB/C:

&b œ œ œ œ œ œ ˙ œ œ œœ œ œ œ œ ‰ . œ
17

C ru
4 œ. œ œ œ œ

N
œ

U e
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