Unit-2

Understanding Human-Human Relationship & its fulfillment:

Recognition of Human-Human Relationship
Relationship is between the self (I) and the other self (I). There are nine feelings
(values), or expectation of feelings (values), in relationship: of oneself (I) for
the other self (I). These feelings (values) can be recognized: they are definite (9
Feelings), their fulfilment and evaluation leads to mutual happiness.

Trust, Respect, Affection, Care, Guidance, Reverence, Glory, Gratitude & Love

Recognition of feelings in relationship

Trust or vishwas is the foundational value in relationship. “To be assured that
each human being inherently wants oneself and the other to be happy and
prosperous” is known as trust. Having faith in others and believing them. Trust
is the expectation of people that they can rely on our word. It is built through
integrity and consistency in relationships. To keep the trust on our self and
others, we have to pay attention on the intensions and to understand if we or the
other person is not able to do benefit, it is because we are lacking competence.
Trust is the result of right understanding of the intention of all the human beings
around us. This trust helps to improve our competence in others and in
ourselves.

Respect means individuality. The sense of individuality is prime object. This is

the first basic step towards respect (sammana). Once we realized that we are
individual then only we can see ourself different from others. In other words,
respect means right evaluation, to be evaluated as I am.

Affection is the feeling of being related to the other. Affection comes when I
recognize that we both want to make each other happy and both of us are
similar. Then for the first time, I feel that I am related to the other that the other
is a relative of mine. This feeling is called affection. The feeling of affection
comes only if trust and respect are already ensured. Without trust and respect,
we feel the other is trying to make us unhappy, does not wish well for us and
hence we can never feel affection for him/her. We always see the other as being
in opposition.

Care is the feeling to nurture and protect the body of our relative. Or in other
words a state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern is
called care. Care is level of active concern, or lack of negligence, towards
avoidance of possible dangers, mistakes, pitfalls, and risks, demanded of a party
as a duty or legal obligation. We understand a human being as a coexistence of
the self (‘I’) and the body, and the body is an instrument of ‘I’. Based on this
understanding, we take the responsibility of nurturing and protecting the body
of our relatives.

Guidance is the feeling of ensuring right understanding and feelings in the

other (my relative) is called guidance. We understand the need of self (‘I’) for
right understanding and feelings. We also understand that the other is similar to
me in his/her faculty of natural acceptance, desire of wanting continuous
happiness and the program of living in harmony at all the four levels. The other
is also similar to me in the potential of desire, thoughts and expectation.

Reverence is the feeling of acceptance of excellence in the other is called

reverence. We understand that we aspire for continuous happiness and to realize
it, we have to understand harmony at all the levels of our living, and live
accordingly. When we see that the other has achieved this excellence- which
means to understand and to live in harmony at all the levels of living ensuring
continuity of happiness, we have a feeling of reverence for him/her. This feeling
of accepting the excellence in the other is called reverence.

Glory is the feeling for someone who has made efforts for excellence. We find
that there have been people in the history, or even around us, who are investing
their time, energy and their belongings to achieve excellence (to understand and
to live in harmony at all levels of living ensuring continuity of happiness), to
make others excellent. This gives us a feeling of glory for them.

Gratitude is the feeling of acceptance for those who have made efforts for my
excellence. Gratitude is an emotion that occurs after people receive help,
depending on how they interpret the situation. Specifically, gratitude is
experienced if people perceive the help they receive as (a) valuable to them, (b)
costly to their benefactor, and (c) given by the benefactor with benevolent
intentions.
 Established Values and Expressed Values in Relationship
Justice is the recognition of values (the definite feelings) in relationship, their
fulfilment, the right evaluation of the fulfilment resulting in mutual happiness.
Once we have recognized the existence of human relationship, we are
subsequently able to identify the feelings (values). When we work and behave
according to these feelings, it leads to fulfilment of both sides in the relationship
i.e. it leads to mutual fulfilment.

Thus there are four elements of ensuring values in relationship: recognition of

values, fulfilment, evaluation and mutual happiness ensured. When all the four
are ensured justice is ensured.

Expression of feelings
Trust or vishwas is the foundational value in relationship. “To be assured that
each human being inherently wants oneself and the other to be happy and
prosperous” is known as trust. Having faith in others and believing them. Trust
is the expectation of people that they can rely on our word. It is built through
integrity and consistency in relationships. To keep the trust on our self and
others, we have to pay attention on the intensions and to understand if we or the
other person is not able to do benefit, it is because we are lacking competence.
Trust is the result of right understanding of the intention of all the human beings
around us. This trust helps to improve our competence in others and in
ourselves.

Respect means individuality. The sense of individuality is prime object. This is

the first basic step towards respect (sammana). Once we realized that we are
individual then only we can see ourself different from others. In other words,
respect means right evaluation, to be evaluated as I am.

Affection is the feeling of being related to the other. Affection comes when I
recognize that we both want to make each other happy and both of us are
similar. Then for the first time, I feel that I am related to the other that the other
is a relative of mine. This feeling is called affection. The feeling of affection
comes only if trust and respect are already ensured. Without trust and respect,
we feel the other is trying to make us unhappy, does not wish well for us and
hence we can never feel affection for him/her. We always see the other as being
in opposition.
Care is the feeling to nurture and protect the body of our relative. Or in other
words a state of mind in which one is troubled; worry, anxiety, or concern is
called care. Care is level of active concern, or lack of negligence, towards
avoidance of possible dangers, mistakes, pitfalls, and risks, demanded of a party
as a duty or legal obligation. We understand a human being as a coexistence of
the self (‘I’) and the body, and the body is an instrument of ‘I’. Based on this
understanding, we take the responsibility of nurturing and protecting the body
of our relatives.

Guidance is the feeling of ensuring right understanding and feelings in the

other (my relative) is called guidance. We understand the need of self (‘I’) for
right understanding and feelings. We also understand that the other is similar to
me in his/her faculty of natural acceptance, desire of wanting continuous
happiness and the program of living in harmony at all the four levels. The other
is also similar to me in the potential of desire, thoughts and expectation.

Reverence is the feeling of acceptance of excellence in the other is called

reverence. We understand that we aspire for continuous happiness and to realize
it, we have to understand harmony at all the levels of our living, and live
accordingly. When we see that the other has achieved this excellence- which
means to understand and to live in harmony at all the levels of living ensuring
continuity of happiness, we have a feeling of reverence for him/her. This feeling
of accepting the excellence in the other is called reverence.

Glory is the feeling for someone who has made efforts for excellence. We find
that there have been people in the history, or even around us, who are investing
their time, energy and their belongings to achieve excellence (to understand and
to live in harmony at all levels of living ensuring continuity of happiness), to
make others excellent. This gives us a feeling of glory for them.

Gratitude is the feeling of acceptance for those who have made efforts for my
excellence. Gratitude is an emotion that occurs after people receive help,
depending on how they interpret the situation. Specifically, gratitude is
experienced if people perceive the help they receive as (a) valuable to them, (b)
costly to their benefactor, and (c) given by the benefactor with benevolent
intentions.
 Types of relationship and their purpose
1. Competitive/Controlling

There’s a jockeying for power about whose way is better, who wins the
argument, whose expectations and standards do we follow, whose career is
more important. There are a lot of arguments that quickly turn into power
struggles, battles over getting the last word.

Emotional climate: Tense

Underlying dynamics: Two strong personalities battling for control; self-

esteem based on winning, being in charge; often there are rigid ideas regarding
how best to do things, about criteria for success, for what makes a good life.

Long term: These couples get tired of battling and divorce, or one finally
concedes, or they both finally define their own turfs that they are in charge of.

2. Active/Passive

One partner is essentially in charge and does most of the heavy lifting in the
relationship while the other goes along. While some of these start out as
competitive relationships with one conceding, more often this imbalance has
been there from the start. There are few arguments, though occasionally the
active person will become resentful for carrying the load or not getting enough
appreciation. They explode or act out, but then feel bad and go back to the same
role.

Climate: Neutral

Dynamics: These relationships often start with the active partner taking on a
helper role. Their personalities are guided by being nice, making others happy,
being over-responsible, conflict-avoidant. As children, they were the good
child. The more passive partner may be easily overwhelmed with anxiety, feels
entitled or overwhelmed as an adult, and leans on others.

But sometimes these dynamics are less the result of personalities and more that
of undetected or unrealized problems, such as mental health issues, where the
active partner is always feeling the need to compensate for the other. Or when
physical problems suddenly arise, such as a partner developing a chronic
illness or physical trauma, forcing the other partner to step up and be a
caretaker.
Long term: The risk for the active partner is that she will get burned out or
resentful and leave. The partner left behind either needs to become more
independent or find someone else to take over.

3. Aggressive/Accommodating

Here the power difference is not based on caretaking, but on raw power. One
partner is clearly in charge, and the other accommodates less out of passivity
and more out of fear. While the intimidating partner will easily blow up, there is
little real conflict. There is emotional abuse and sometimes physical abuse.

Climate: High tension; the accommodating partner is always walking on

eggshells

Dynamics: The intimidating partner is clearly a bully who has anger-

management issues. He or she may have grown up in a home with an abusive
parent and learned to identify with that parent. Underneath may be high anxiety
that translates into extreme control, or simply a character disorder that translates
into narcissism, power, and little empathy for others.

The accommodating partner may have grown up being abused and have a
higher tolerance for such behavior. Intermittent behavior—the other person
sporadically being nice—keeps the partner off-balance and fuels magical
thinking: If I just figure out the right steps in the dance, I can keep the other
from exploding. Unfortunately, they can never figure out the steps.

Long term: Either the relationship continues, or the accommodating partner

finally gets the courage to leave. The aggressive partner will do what is
necessary to try to pull the other back into the relationship. If that doesn’t work,
the abusive partner will likely find someone else to replace the other.

4. Disconnected/Parallel Lives

There is little arguing, but also little connection. They go on autopilot, with both
having their own routines. The relationship seems stale, they have little in
common; they are more roommates than lovers.

Climate: Boring, stale, little tension, courteous coldness

Dynamics: Some couples fall into this type of relationship within several years.
It may be that they married for the wrong reasons, what chemistry was there
quickly faded, or they swept problems under the rug from the start and learned
to use distance to avoid igniting any conflict. Others may move into this type of
relationship with the mellowing that often comes with aging, and still others
become child-centered, and once the children have left home, have little to hold
them together. The weather, jobs, and updates on children become their
default topics of conversation.

Long term: Midlife or older-age crises may cause one or both to feel that time is
running out. This may precipitate arguing and efforts to either finally revitalize
the relationship or leave. Or, they continue saying to themselves that this is
good enough, or that they're too old to change.

5. Accepting/Balanced

The couple is able to work together as a team, complementing each other. They
each recognize and actively accept the other’s strengths. They've got each
other’s back, both are interested in helping the other be who he or she wants to
be. They are able to revitalize the relationship when it begins to grow stale; they
are able to solve problems rather than sweeping them under the rug.

Climate: Caring, relaxed, though there may be some tense periods of transition

Dynamics: They may start out this way, or they may have started with any of
the other forms, but through therapy or insight and resolve have worked to make
things better.

Long term: Midlife and older-age crises may arise, but they are able to work
through them.

Obviously, we are painting a bleak picture of the first four, but usually it’s not
24/7 grimness. There are either just enough positive experiences to keep the
relationship from completely going under, or the responsibilities for children
provide enough of a common focus or distraction to maintain the relationship
for long periods of time.

Also obvious is that the last type—accepting/balanced—is our gold standard,

the ideal to reach.

Turning Things Around

If you find yourself in any variations of the four less-functional relationships,

the starting point for change is realizing and honestly acknowledging the current
state of the union. The next steps are taking active measures to change the
dynamics. This generally means doing the opposite of what you are already
doing: If you are a controlling or aggressive person, you have to learn to be
more accommodating; if accommodating or passive, you need to step up and be
more assertive. If feeling disconnected, you need to stop using distance to avoid
conflict, to stop running on autopilot and instead talk about problems, to make
an effort to connect and find common interests; and if in an abusive situation, to
stop the magical thinking, define your line in the sand, and take steps to get out.

Because relationships are built on patterns, on each person bouncing off the
other, if you change you, you change the pattern, which may change your
partner and the relationship. If you need help, get it—therapy with support from
friends and family—so you can take concrete steps.

Mutual evaluation in relationship

Dimension Number One — Playing Together

Humour and playfulness are part of every healthy relationship and are plentiful
at the beginning of most. Whether playtime is spontaneous or planned, it is
better if it is regenerating, light-hearted, and fun.

Playtime means that you are both doing something you mutually love to do at
times. It also requires that you are not carrying past or future worries and that
you set your burdensome responsibilities aside. How often do you and your
partner truly enjoy the same experience?

Dimension Number Two — Sharing Dreams

Throughout a relationship, you should be able to explore what you feel about
things that you feel are not part of your everyday lives. That can be as simple as
talking over movies and books. Or, you can dream about what you might do if
sudden good luck were to fall upon you.

More concrete ideals, such as where you might travel to or even where you will
live when you’re older, are ways you can explore possible dreams together.

Dimension Number Three — Trust

Trusting each other with your innermost thoughts and feelings and can talk
about almost anything without fear of rejection, embarrassment, or disdain. You
come to each other first when something is awry.

Trust is at the core of a healthy relationship. This dimension is where listening

skills are the most important. Your goal is to refrain from being defensive,
reactive, or threatened when your partner is distressed about the relationship,
and you encourage them to open up.
Dimension Number Four — Working as a Team

Each knows that they both will do their parts as team members for whatever is
being asked. They also willingly take over if the other has a rightful need to
temporarily pull out, trusting that the partnership obligations will even out over
time.

Some decide what their individual roles as team members will be in advance,
while others prefer to exchange many of their roles as they see fit at the time, or
do more of them together. In any case, you both feel confident that you can
work out disagreements while keeping your mutual goals in mind. You rely on
each other without concern that either will not do what he or she has committed
to do.

Dimension Number Five — Successful Debaters

Arguments in relationships create cumulative stress for both. When the two of
you don’t see eye-to-eye in the same situation, you will still listen to each
other’s point of view.

Meaning of justice in relationship

Justice is the recognition of values (the definite feelings) in relationship, their
fulfillment, the right evaluation of the fulfillment resulting in mutual happiness.
Justice concerns itself with the proper ordering of things and people within a
society. There are four elements: Recognition of values, fulfillment, evaluation
and mutual happiness ensured. When all the four are ensured, justice is ensured.
Mutual fulfillment is the hallmark of justice. And justice is essential in all
relationships. Justice starts from family and slowly expands to the world family.
The child gets the understanding of justice in the family. With this
understanding, he goes out in the society and interacts with people. If the
understanding of justice is ensured in the family, there will be justice in all the
interactions we have in the world at large. If we do not understand the values in
relationships, we are governed by our petty prejudices and conditionings. We
may treat people as high or low based on their body (particular caste, or gender
or race or tribe), on the basis of wealth one possesses or the belief systems that
one follows. All this is source of injustice and leads to fragmented society while
our natural acceptance is for an undivided society and universal human order.
Having explored the harmony in the human beings, we are able to explore the
harmony in the family. This enables us to understand the harmony at the level
of society and nature/existence. And this is the way; the harmony in our living
grows. We slowly get the competence to live in harmony with all human beings

Civilization and Human Conduct

The right understanding gained through self-exploration enables one
to identify the definitiveness of human conduct which may also be
called the Ethical human conduct. It is the same for all human beings,
and is in agreement with the universal human values.
Characteristics of ethical human conduct:
It is a combined representation of – Values, policies and character.
Values help us to live in harmony with family, character helps us to
live harmoniously in the society and policies help us to maintain
harmony with the orders of nature.
Values (Mulya): Values can be witnessed in relationships. The ability
to recognize the relationships is due to imagination and being self
organized in work. It enables us to understand the relationship
between various orders of nature too. We have many relations in life,
but the actual purpose of relationship is to be understood. For
example, the purpose of relationship between parents and children is
fulfillment and protection and living in order. Trust is the functional
value that helps us to maintain the continuity of relationship.
Policy (Niti): The assets of an individual include the self ‘I’, the body
and the physical resources. It is important that proper coordination
exists between them. Policies are the rules which when followed help
us to protect, enrich and utilize adequately the various assets
possessed by us.
One must evaluate his conduct based on the above three dimensions
and self exploration alone bridges the gap between conduct and the
ethical human conduct. A human being can be called prosperous and
successful if he blends his professional skills with ethical human
conduct.
Character (Charitra): Character is determined by the values one
incorporates in his life. It is the outcome of the values he possesses,
his perception, imagination and the experiences gained during his life
time. The characteristics of good character include-
- Having personal trustworthy relationships
- Access to rightful acquiring of wealth
- Compassionate behavior and work

If one has the above he will be organized and has self harmony. By
understanding natural acceptance on gains self expression and self
extension by participation in harmony at all levels of existence. This
leads to right understanding which will result in a prosperous
undivided society of high human order.
This definitiveness of human conduct in terms of values, policies and
character is termed as Ethics. The criterion to judge whether an act of
human being is ethical or unethical, and a definite way to work for
ethics in life and profession are varying. Ethics in the life of an
individual can be imbibed only through inculcation of values, policies
and character, and this is possible through the process of ensuring
right understanding through self-exploration. At the same time, we
can see that a human being with ethical human conduct coupled with
requisite professional skills only can be a good professional, namely,
a good engineer, a good manager, a good teacher and researcher, a
good technocrat, etc.
'Ethical conduct' implies that it is naturally acceptable and does not
give rise to conflict within. Thus, the 'ethical conduct' is self-
satisfying, people-friendly, eco-friendly and universal.