Basic communication skills 1

Assignment 1

Trying to get a raise

I used to work at a shoe store and I wanted to talk to my boss about getting a raise. I was already
thinking about having this conversation for a long time. I had played it out in my head already a
couple times. I was definitely a bit nervous to have this conversation but my dad encouraged me to
do it. We were in the store itself when I asked him if I could speak to him about something. He
answered my question with of course and we went off into the office. My boss sat down in his chair,
while I stayed standing. I told him that my expenses were going up thus to moving out of my parental
home. I then continued about how I would like to earn more. My boss told me it was my own choice
to move out of my parental home. I wasn’t expecting this answer and just laughed it off. When in
reality I didn’t apricate it at all. I started feeling uncomfortable and didn’t know how to continue the
conversation. Then his phone rang and he had to pick it up, I was patiently waiting for him to finish
the call. After the phone call he asked me when my birthday is. I told him that I am turning eighteen
on October twenty-fifth. He started looking inside one of his closets and pulled out a piece of paper.
He showed me the piece of paper with the wage table on it. I looked at my age and the wage that
comes with it. He then told me I would earn two euros more per hour once I turn eighteen. I told him
that that would be an improvement already. We then finished up the conversation and went our
own ways.

Elements of interpersonal communication

In this conversation I was the source and also the receiver. The channel that was used for this
conversation was face to face. I prepared my boss to what was coming by asking him if I could speak
to him about something, so I was implying feedforward. Then I got feedback for him, which was of
course. The message that I was sending was that I wanted a raise. There was also physical noise,
because the phone rang and it stopped the me from getting the message. Lastly, we have the context
which was at work.<

Principles of interpersonal communication

The purpose of this conversation was to convince my boss that I should get a raise. There was a
package of mixed signals, verbal and non-verbal. There was the verbal conversation we had and then
there also was non-verbal communication such as facial expressions and body language. For example
my boss raised his eyebrows when I asked him if I could speak to him. The conversation content was
at work. The relationship massage was him being my boss and him making sure that he shows to me
that he has the power. He sat down in the big chair while I had to stay standing, this already implies
power. In this conversation there was no speaking of a process of adjustment. The conversation was
ambiguous because he didn’t seem to get my choice of moving out of my parental home. And of
course this conversation is like any other conversation inevitable, irreversible and unrepeatable.

Evaluation

This assignment made me take a closer look at a difficult conversation I have had in my life. When I
was taking a closer I found out that there are lots of things I would have done differently. Next time I
have a conversation like this I would set goals of what I want to accomplish with the conversation. I
would also be more confident with myself and stand up for my own opinion.
Assignment 2

Step 1

A.

Who am I ?

1. I am funny
2. I am smart
3. I am patient
4. I am stubborn
5. I am grateful
6. I am confident
7. I am talkative
8. I am chaotic
9. I am caring
10. I am social
11. I am loyal
12. I am independent
13. I am strong
14. I am loving
15. I am a good friend
16. I am jealous
17. I am romantic
18. I am not disciplined
19. I am sarcastic
20. I am intense

B.

Strengths weaknesses
curious unassertive
social procrastination
communication stubborn
flexible talkative
Problem solving Take things personal
Persistent and resilient blunt
energetic unorganized

C.

Self-improvement goals

1. I want to improve my discipline

Step 2

Feelings

I think I wrote down a lot of answers that really fit me. I feel proud that I can come up with so many
positive answers to these questions. I also know that the weaknesses and things I want to improve
are going to be hard to change but not impossible. Seeing all these answers on paper makes me
realize that I can only become a better version of myself. I have also shown my boyfriend this
assignment after I was finished with it and he agreed with the answers that I wrote down. This for
me was a confirmation that I know myself quite well.

Step 3

Findings

All of the words that I wrote above are part of my self-concept (Black,1999). My self-concept comes
from how others see me, such as my parents, friends and my boyfriend (Cooley’s, 1992). They have
an important impact on who I am. They shaped me into the woman that I am today. These important
people are like a mirror for my self-concept, how they see me is how I see myself (Hensley, 1996). My
self-concept also comes from comparisons with others (DeVito, 2014). For example, if I score a low
grade I would like to know if there are others with a lower grade so that I feel less bad about myself
(downward social comparison). I tend to compare myself with anyone and everyone. This is very easy
to do in today’s world because of all the social media. I see so many perfect lives on the internet and
would like to have it just like them (upward social comparison). However most of this is edited, fake
and unrealistic. This is something that I try to remind myself of daily because it can really mess with
your self-concept and self-esteem. When I feel like my self-concept/self-esteem is getting negative I
tend to reflect on how far I have come and which things I already achieved. This way my self-
awareness enlarges. There are still more aspects that shape your self-concept, such as cultural
findings. Every culture has different values, norms, expatiations and beliefs. It is like a ladder that you
can climb, every single time you achieve something you get to go up the ladder and this way your
positive self-concept goes up, however you can also go down the ladder and this way your negative
self-concept goes up. I live in The Netherlands and the level of your education is for my feeling very
important in our culture. Everybody is always asking “What do you do?”. I myself went on an
exchange year to Seattle, USA due to this I had a study delay and finished my high school later than
what is expected here. When people around me asked the famous “What do you do?” question, I felt
embarrassed because I wasn’t living up to my cultural expectations. This influenced my self-concept
in a negative way. I try to use self-evaluation in situations like this. I take a step back and look at it
from a different perspective. I may be a year ‘behind’ others but I had an amazing, unforgettable
exchange year and wouldn’t want to change that in any kind of way. Due to self-evaluations I tend to
get a more positive self-concept. These self-evaluations also help with getting more self-awareness.
The more you understand about why you view yourself as you do, the more you will understand who
you are (DeVito, 2014). I reflect on my behavior and feelings, and that way my self-awareness
increases. Sometimes I can only see myself in a negative self-concept, this is most times the case
when my self-esteem is low. My self-esteem changes a lot throughout the days. One day I feel like I
am on top of the world and the other day I feel like a piece of poop. Self-evaluation can help on the
days that I feel like poop because it makes me realize I am much better than I actually think I am. Yet
I still have somedays that this doesn’t work at all but I know it will all just pass.
Step 4

Futures

This assignment made me take a very close look at myself. It made me look farther then I would
normally do and that made me more aware of my feelings and behavior. It thought me to take a
second look and to rethink my opinion. In most cases it helped me to get a more positive self-
concept. It also thought me that self-concept is more than just your own opinion about yourself, it
has so many more aspects to it. I learned about the Johari window and how self-evaluations can
decrease the unknown self. I learned a lot more which I have already mentioned in step 3. I would
apply self-evaluation more in the future so that I can increase my self-awareness. This way I get to
know myself the very best and I can then use that in my advantage in many different aspect in my
life.
Assignment 3

Step 1

Facts

Self-fulfilling prophecy

Phoebe, a friend of me told me about Rachel a girl that she really dislikes. She had told me several
example why she dislikes Rachel so much, I could understand why. Then I met Rachel at school. I
didn’t act so nice to her because of the prediction that my friend gave me. Rachel acted the same
way towards me because she knew I was friends with Phoebe. Later that year I found out that she
was way nicer than I expected but that was after I changed my attitude against her.

Step 2

Feelings

I felt negative towards Rachel due to what my friend had told me. The stories I had heard about her
made up my prediction. I made a quick judgement without getting to know her personally. Later I
found out that she was a very nice person. I felt bad for making such a quick judgement.

Step 3

Findings

Four basic steps in the self-fulfilling prophecy:

1. You make a prediction or formulate a belief about a person or a situation. For example, I
predicted that Rachel is not nice.
2. You act toward that person or situation as if that prediction or belief were true. For example,
I acted as if Rachel was mean.
3. Because you act as if the belief were true, it becomes true. For example, Because of the
mean way I acted towards Rachels, she becomes not nice and mean also.
4. You observe your effect on the person or the resulting situation, and what you see
strengthens your beliefs. For example, I observed Rachels mean behavior and I reinforced my
belief that Rachel is indeed mean. (DeVito, 2014).

As I told before, I found out that Rachel is actually a very nice person. This concludes that I am not so
accurate at people perception. My people perception can get in the way of getting to know the
actual person because my judgement is already made up.

Step 4

Findings

From this assignment I have learned that I shouldn’t judge so quickly. The mind fills in the blank even
though that is not always the correct answer. I have learned about the halo and reverse halo effect,
positive attracts positive and negative attracts negative (Katz,2003). In the future I would reconsider
my first thoughts and think about this exercise before I make my judgement.
Assignment 4

Component A

Step 1

Facts

It was late at night when my mom and I had a conversation. She was talking to me about her stressful
day at work. While she was talking to me about her day, my favorite show was playing on the
television, this distracted me a lot. She asked me a question and I answered with yes. She looked
confused at me and repeated the question. “Did you unload the dishwasher as I told you to do so?”
When she repeated the question I actually listen and realized that yes was not the right answer. I
didn’t unload the dishwasher yet. I got up to unload the dishwasher and she helped me finish it.

Step 2

Feelings

In the beginning of the conversation I felt annoyed because my mom was interrupting my favorite
television show. Later in the conversation that feeling changed. I felt bad that I wasn’t listing to her
because she had a stressful day at work. Then I also didn’t do as she asked me to do so. I felt
disappointed in myself for not helping my mom in the household but most importantly I felt upset
and ashamed that I didn’t listen to her when she needed a sympathetic ear.

Step 3

Findings

This conversation shows that I was ineffective listening. At the receiving stage my attention was at
the television instead off at my mom’s conversation. Due to this the understanding stage also went
wrong. My mom asked a question, which I thought I already knew the answer to however it was a
different question than I expected. I answered with yes and realized by the look on my moms face
that it was not the right answer. I also didn’t remember that she had asked me the question before. I
evaluated directly that she was angry and didn’t think of the reason why she was feeling that way.
Due to all of these things my responds was not appropriate to the situation (DeVito,2014).

Step 4

Futures

In the future I will focus more on the speakers message and make sure that I understood everything
he/she was trying to get across. This way I will be able to respond better and make the speaker feel
heard and understood. I myself get easily distracted so in the future I will make sure that I cancel out
any noise if possible. The theory learned me how to become a effective listener which is useful for
every conversation.

Component B

Step 1

Facts

My friends and I were drinking tea and just chatting together. We always talk about anything and
everything together. Ross asked Chandler how he was doing. Chandler than told the group that he
wasn’t feeling so well lately. I asked him ‘why?’. He explained that there was a lot of pressure from
school, work and his home situation. I told him I understand the way he is feeling. He continued to
explain how this really affects his mental health. We were all listening to him and nodding to make
sure he felt heard. Monica told Chandler that she is there for him and if there is anything that she
could do to help him that he shouldn’t hesitate to ask. We all agreed with that. Chandler told us how
happy he was with such understanding friend group and that he really appreciated the listening ear
he got.

Step 2

Feelings

Active listening felt very normal in this situation, because I am always interested in my friends. I felt
compassion towards the story of my friend. I thought by myself that I am blessed with such a
understanding and caring friend group. There were no judgements involved because I know them
inside out.

Step 3

Findings

In this conversation I was listening to give comfort to my friend. This means that I was listening with
empathy because I wanted to understand what my friend meant and was feeling (Rogers & Farson,
1981). I tried to put myself into my friend’s shoes, so that I could truly understand where he was
coming from. I also engage in equal, two-way conversation, this meaning that there was no physical
or psychological barrier (DeVito, 2013). We were chatting on the couch so it was a very easy going
setting. The conversation went on until everyone from the group fully understood how Chandler was
feeling. I also tried to stay as objective as I could, so that I wouldn’t be expectancy hearing
(DeVito,2013). I tried to let him finished his story completely without interrupting. While he was
telling the full story I was focus on the verbal but also the non-verbal messages he was sending. He
was for example looking down when he told us that he wasn’t feeling that well, this indicated to me
that he had a difficult time telling it to us. We ended the conversation with encouraging and positive
feedback. This made Chandler feel understood and listened to.

Step 4

Futures

In the future I wouldn’t change that much because I think I am a good effective listener however I do
know this based on who I have in front of me. This means that I will apply the techniques that I have
learned from this assignment. I will for example use these techniques when I know that I have a
difficult time focusing on the conversation. In conclusion, effective listening comes quite natural to
me nevertheless I will use the theory to make it even better!
Assignment 5

Step 1

Facts

My boyfriend and I were going to visit his parents in Spain. My Spanish is not that great yet, I can
understand somethings but definitely not everything. His father has a different accent, then what I
am use to hear. He uses a different dialect instead off the schoolbooks Spanish. This makes it very
hard for me to understand him. We were sitting at the dinner table when his dad asked me if I liked
the food. I didn’t understand the question he asked me and my boyfriend was at the bathroom, so he
couldn’t translate it. He saw the look on my face and understood that I didn’t get the question. He
then started to use non-verbal messages. He pointed at the food and waved his hand besides his
cheek, which is the universal way to say (non-verbally) that something taste good. Now I finally
understood what he meant and I answered that it tasted really nice in my best Spanish.

Step 2

Feelings

During this conversation I felt a bit uncomfortable because I didn’t get the message that he was
trying to send me. I also felt appreciated because he had put in the extra effort to get the message
across to me. I thought to myself that I should really study more Spanish, so that I could
communicate with the family of my boyfriend. I did judge him for not knowing any English but also
understood the reason why he didn’t know any English.

Step 3

Findings

My boyfriend´s dad used a lot of body gestures to get the message across. He used an emblem,
which was the hand waving next to his cheek, this translates directly into `tasty´. He also pointed at
the food which is a illustrators. These were the things he did to get the before verbal message across
but in a non-verbal way. He did this because I didn’t understand the message he was sending me. He
saw this by the frown on my face, this is a way of affect display. Another affect display is the smile on
my boyfriend’s dads face during the conversation. We had eye contact during the conversation but I
looked towards the bathroom sometimes to see if my boyfriend was coming back from the bathroom
to help me understand his dad. We were sitting at the dinner table during the conversation, so we
had a personal distance. This distance was comfortable for me, close enough to see all the facial
expressions and body language but not in my personal bubble.

Step 4

Future

This conversation made me realize that, non-verbal messages could really help to understand the
verbal messages. In the future I would use non-verbal messages more, especially with a language
barrier. I have learned that there are many ways of non-verbal messages, such eye contact, proxemic
distances, tactile communication and silence messages. Not all the aspects of non-verbal messages
where included in the conversation I had but I have learned about them through the book (DeVito,
2014).
Assignment 6

Step 1

Facts

I have been a vegetarian for about seven years now. People always ask me question about it or start
a discussion. I have gotten used to it and found a way to answer most questions in a assertive way. A
friend of me invited me to a family barbeque. I had brought my own vegetarian meat to the
barbeque and this of course lead to questions. My friend’s uncle asked me why I became a
vegetarian. I explained to him that I do it for the animals. He then said “ they are already dead
anyways, you are not saving any animals”, a very original responds which I have definitely not heard
before ; ). I explain to him that I save about 404 animals in one year by not eating meat. He then
started to go on about how vegetarians destroy the environment more because most vegetarian
products are made out of soy. I really didn’t feel like having a discussion about this at my friends
family barbeque. I told him that I didn’t agree with his statement but that he can have his own
opinion and I can have mine. He still continued to argue with me and it was getting quite frustrating.
Another uncle of my friend told him to stop arguing and to just let me have my own opinion. My
friends aunt said that he is always very hard headed. The family laughed about this comment and
went on with different conversations. This made an end to the discussion.

Step 2

Feelings

I felt attacked by my friends uncle because he wasn’t listening to any of my standpoints. I judged him
for not accepting any of my facts or explanations. He had already made up his mind about
vegetarians and that was not going to change. I thought to myself I might as well talk to wall, it
wouldn’t be much of a difference. I felt appreciation towards the other uncle who stood for me. He
made me feel like I was not the only one who thought that this conversation was going to lead
nowhere. I felt a relief when the discussion was over.

Step 3

Findings

I have had this kind of conversations lots of times now. When I first became a vegetarian I would
respond in a nonassertive way. I would stand up for my opinion but at the same time agree with
what the other person said. I would do this so that I didn’t have to deal with a difficult situation. Over
the years I have learned to stand up for myself. In this case I was assertive. I expressed my opinion
openly and sticked with it. I did not give in to his strong opinion to change my view. He
communicated in an aggressive way. He wanted me to tell him that he was right. He also did not
actually listen to my explanations, he was just focused on his own opinion. During this conversation I
felt all kinds of emotions. A blended emotion I felt was annoyance and disapproval. My body
language also showed this. I had a frown on my face and my eyebrows were raised, however I did try
not to show my emotions too much because I didn’t want to offend anyone. My emotions were also
contagious because the other people at the barbeque were for my feeling also starting to get
annoyed by this conversation that lead nowhere. I think this I why my friend’s aunt made a funny
comment to lead the conversation to a different track.

Step 4

Future
In this example I handled in an assertive way but there are many conversations in which I could be
more assertive. In the future I would apply the five steps on how to communicate assertively, in more
of my conversations (DeVito, 2014). I would also take care of how I express my emotions. I would
focus on other people’s emotions as well, this way I can make them feel heard. Another thing that I
would like to remember and take with me in the future is that emotions are contagious. I would like
to spread positivity in my future workplace.
Assignment 7

Step 1

The following questions are answered by my mom.

I. What do you perceive to be my best strengths? When do I show these strengths? Why do
you appreciate these strengths?

A strength of you is that you can express your feelings well. You show this strength when
there is something that bothers you. I appreciate this strength because I always know how
you are feeling. Another great strength from you is that you are caring. You show this
strength with the people around you but also with your pets. I appreciated this strength
because I know that I have someone that will take care of me when I am old. I also
appreciate this strength because it makes the people around you feel loved. A good strength
of you is that you are persistent when you want to accomplish something. You already have
your own house, pets, work and school at a young age, this makes me a proud mom. I
appreciate this strength because it shows that you will work vey hard to get where you want
to go.

II. Which of my strengths need further development? Can you provide me with tips or advice?

A strengths that you need to develop farther would be your assertiveness. You can be very
assertive in certain situations but if someone says that they really need your help you cannot
say no, even though this is affecting yourself. A tip that I would give you would be that it is
okey to say no. I would also say that practice makes perfect, with this I mean that you should
say no more often to get used to the fact that it is really okey to say no. Nobody will think
badly of you because you said no.

III. What are my weaknesses? Can you tell me what behaviour I need to change? Can you
provide me with tips and advice?

A weakness of you is that you want things too quickly, somethings need time and some
situations need time. You have to keep your head up, even if things don’t come as quickly as
you like.

The following questions are answered by Jasmine, my classmate.

I. What do you perceive to be my best strengths? When do I show these strengths? Why do
you appreciate these strengths?

You are very sweet, kind, open-minded and easy to talk to. You always try to make
conversations with everyone, you give everyone a chance. You are always one of the most
fun people in a group. Even one-on-one you are never awkward. You are very helpful. You
always try to help me out when I don’t understand something. I appreciate these things
about you, because from the moment I met you it felt like I have known you forever. You are
a really good friend.

II. Which of my strengths need further development? Can you provide me with tips or advice?

A strength that needs further development is your discipline. You need to stick with your
planning.
 III. What are my weaknesses? Can you tell me what behaviour I need to change? Can you
provide me with tips and advice?

Just like me, your weakness is procrastination. You procrastinate until the very end, which
can be stressful. A tip would be to start earlier. Even though you need a whole day to make
an assignment, you still have many days left. Another tip could be to start your assignments
right after the lesson.

The following questions were answered by me.

I. What do you perceive to be my best strengths? When do I show these strengths? Why do
you appreciate these strengths?

One of my best strengths is that I am social, I can easily start conversations and make new
friends. I appreciate this strength because due to this strength I have met a lot of nice,
interesting and loving people. Another strength of me is that I am persistent. I know what I
want and will do anything to get what I want. I appreciate this strength because it has gotten
me lots of things in my life, such as my horse, house and work.

II. Which of my strengths need further development? Can you provide me with tips or advice?

A strength that needs further development is my planning skills. I should plan ahead more. I
also need to put school first instead fun things.

III. What are my weaknesses? Can you tell me what behaviour I need to change? Can you
provide me with tips and advice?

A weakness of me is that I procrastinate. I leave everything for the last minute and this
causes me stress. I need to stick to my planning and make sure that I am up to date with my
assignments. Another weakness of me is that stubborn. If I have an opinion I stick to it and it
is quite hard to change it. My stubbornness also shows when I have a plan in my head that I
want to achieve. I will do anything to make it work, even if it is impossible tasks. A tip would
be to accept things don’t go as planned. I don’t always have to take the route that is in my
head.

Step 2

Feelings