An introduction to

understanding and working with

Children and young

people with anger issues
According to Aristotle…
Anybody can become angry, that is easy; but to be angry with the right person, and to
the right degree, and at the right time, and for the right purpose, and in the right way,
that is not within everybody’s power, that is not easy.

Anger is an inevitable part of life, although it is a common assumption that the expression of
anger, particularly by children or young people is unacceptable.

It can be useful to think of anger as an iceberg. The angry behaviour being the top part that
can be seen above the water, with all the other things that can lead to anger being below the
surface, which we can’t see.

One of the major problems in dealing with anger with children and young people is the angry
feelings that are often stirred up in us. So, we need to be aware of our own feelings and how
we identify and manage our own anger, before we can even begin to assist children and young
people to manage theirs.

There are a number of anger styles:

Bottle and blast

You bottle up your anger and then let it out all at once in an explosive manner

Bottle and cap

You keep it all inside

TNT
You usually explode right away, you have a very short fuse

Cold shoulder/iceberg
You are cold and usually give people the silent treatment

Nag and carp

You are constantly nagging someone to do something

Kick the dog

You misdirect your anger and take it out on someone or something else

Think about which style represents you and answer the following:

• Where did you learn this style? (e.g. parents, peers)

• What are the pay offs of this style? (e. g. cold shoulder may prevent a confrontation)
• What are the negative consequences of this style? (e.g. cold shoulder might lead to a lack of
intimacy, loneliness)
• How does this anger affect you physically? (e.g. headache)
• How do you imagine others are affected by this style? (e.g. hurt, defensive)
Types of anger

Secondary emotion – e.g. arises from fear, embarrassment and may be a defence to avoid
painful feelings. Anger may be related to anxiety over situations that the child or young
person has no control over. Think of anger as being a master of disguise!

Instrumental behaviour – anger achieves particular outcomes, such as attention.

Reflection of emotional difficulties – release of pent up emotions.

Fight or flight – response to perceived threat.

Biological response – such as allergy, physical problem, learning difficulties or developmental

delays.

Environmental response – such as new teacher, friend being away, anger over belongings
(toddlers).

Developmental anger

Toddler - At this age children start to become more independent. They

want to be able to do things that they don’t have the skills for, and their
lack of communication skills adds to their frustration. They may express
their frustration at this by kicking, screaming and having a tantrum.

School aged children have a lot to cope with. They are learning lots of different things
such as academic knowledge, how to socialise and how to manage their emotions. At
this age children also often start to compare themselves to other children. They begin
to feel the need to belong and form close friendships, but these friendships can also
be triggers for anger. The ins and outs of friendships can make children feel insecure
through teasing, bullying, jealousy and feeling ‘left out’ or lonely. If children don’t feel
secure in their friendships, they can feel unhappy or frustrated which may show up as
angry behaviour.

Adolescence brings new worries and a set of tasks to learn. Young people at this age
are developing a new level of independence and experimenting with their identity.
Not surprisingly, any conflict or stress can be to do with whether they feel they
have enough control over their lives. Understandably, friendship groups become
more important during adolescence because young people can share each other’s
experiences. Therefore, the need for acceptance and belonging becomes even more
important than at other stages of childhood. This need can bring with it a lot of
sensitivity. This sensitivity, along with the emerging sense of identity and the physical
changes of puberty, may increase angry feelings and outbursts.

Events that affect all ages -There are situations and events that can result in anger regardless
of age; such as the death of a loved one, divorce, separation, bullying and abuse. These events
can shake a young person’s sense of safety and trust. If this happens, the person may feel
scared and look out for any other dangers.
How we deal with anger

Displaced anger
Anger may be displaced onto another person or object that is not the focus of the anger;
usually because it is considered unsafe to do so. An example may be if a child or young person
is experiencing trouble at home but is unable to express the anger for fear of making it worse
or risk of physical or emotional abuse; at school, the anger may be displaced onto a teacher.

In the short term, it may leave the child or young person feeling better due to the release
of physical and emotional tension. But in the long term, it may spoil relationships at school,
hamper learning, damage self-esteem, lead to guilt and it doesn’t help or resolve the conflict
at home.

Repressed anger
Anger may be repressed into the unconscious.

Suppressed anger
Anger may be suppressed in order to avoid hurting those we care about.

Factors affecting what we do with anger

• Learned responses - modelled from parents and past experiences

• Belief system - own thoughts and beliefs ‘light the fuse’
• Unconscious motivators - fear of rejection
• Individual differences -biological predisposition

We live in a violent world, where there are many influences that have
powerful effect on how children relate to the world and solve their problems.

Perspectives on anger

Psychodynamic

Perspectives
on anger

Behavioural Cognitive
Some child developmental theorists see anger as an inevitable part of normal development.
Whether those feelings persist depends very much on how certain basic needs of young
children are met.

Behavioural approach
Behaviourists see behaviour as the primary response, which is
controlled by history of rewards/punishments.

Social behaviours are learnt in the same way as other behaviours.

For instance, as a rule, there is a greater probability of me hitting
somebody if that hitting is reinforced by somebody immediately complying with my demand
and giving me their sweets. Behaviour which is followed by an aversive consequence is less
likely to be repeated.

Psychodynamic approach
This approach believes emotions are drive-related primitive forces that can make us do things
we don’t want to do, which we cannot be held responsible for because powerful passions
overtake us.

Transference/projection - we carry around a vast amount of emotional baggage and

unfinished business (e.g. to authority, to women) laid down in our early emotional history.

Attachment - secure emotional base which all children need and from which
they begin to explore the interpersonal world around them. Early security
and bonding is crucial to the growth of mature independence and begins in
childhood and continues. When this sense of security is threatened, disturbing
and aversive emotions are experienced, leading sometimes to desperate
attempts to re-establish contact with emotional security. Anger is one of the
felt responses to a threat of security.

Attachment theory reminds us of the importance of belonging, which links with a feeling of
being valued/self-esteem.

Cognitive
Nothing makes us angry, in reality; we make ourselves angry by our own
interpretation of an event.

Involves distorted or unhelpful thought processes, internal dialogue and

irrational beliefs which may result in a situation being perceived as an attack,
prompting an angry response.

The amygdala plays a central role in producing and controlling emotions and in producing the
physical effects associated with feeling emotions.
Anger and the body

The amygdala plays a central role in producing and controlling emotions and in producing
the physical effects associated with feeling emotions.

The amygdala is so efficient at warning us about threats, that it gets us reacting before
the cortex (the part of the brain responsible for thought and judgment) can check on the
reasonableness of our reaction. In other words, our brains are wired in such a way as to
influence us to act before we can properly consider the consequences of our actions. This is
not an excuse for behaving badly - instead it means that learning to manage anger properly
is a skill that has to be learned, instead of something we are born knowing how to do
instinctually.

Your amygdalae (there are two of them in the brain) are essential to your ability to feel
certain emotions and to perceive them in other people. This includes fear and the many
changes that it causes in the body. If you are being followed at night by a suspect-looking
individual and your heart is pounding, chances are that your amygdalae are very active.

The awesome power of our emotional brain is normally kept in check by our rational brain.
But when you are angry, excessively angry or in rage, your rational brain gets muted or
sidelined.

The beast within our brain is unleashed...

As you become angry your body’s muscles tense up.

Inside your brain, neurotransmitter chemicals known as catecholamines are released causing
you to experience a burst of energy lasting up to several minutes. This burst of energy is
behind the common angry desire to take immediate protective action.

At the same time your heart rate accelerates, your blood pressure rises,
and your rate of breathing increases. Your face may flush as increased
blood flow enters your limbs and extremities in preparation for physical
action.

Your attention narrows and becomes locked onto the target of your anger. Soon you can
pay attention to nothing else. In quick succession, additional brain neurotransmitters and
hormones (such as adrenaline and cortisol) are released which trigger a lasting state of
arousal. You’re now ready to fight or flight.
 Heart speeds up, lungs
take in more air - deeper,
Conflict heightens senses - the
faster breaths providing
body prepares to take action
oxygenated blood to burn
sugars and create energy

Stomach churns to digest

Muscles store energy and food quickly, accessing
tense ready for action the sugar to turn into
energy

Blood is directed
rapidly to the brain,
muscles, heart and vital
organs only. Raising
the body temperature
and transporting sugars

UNHELPFUL THINKING
BLOWING THINGS UP NEGATIVE GLASSES FORTUNE TELLING

Things are blown out of all

proportion, making it seem so Making predictions about
much worse then it is: Only let you see one side of the what will happen in the future
“I only scored one goal in story – the negative: without enough evidence:
football today so I may as well “Going bowling with school was “If I read this out in the
stop playing.” rubbish, I didn’t win one game.” assembly, the whole school will
laugh at me.”

DUSTBIN LABELS MAKING IT PERSONAL

STUPID
STUPID

Attaching a label to yourself and

think of everything you do in Blaming yourself for things that
these terms: are not your fault:
“I am useless and everything I do “As soon as I got on the bus, it
is wrong.” broke down.”
Unhelpful thinking (cont.)

There are several negative self-talk strategies that we use at the onset of anger. These often
exacerbate the anger cycle, as they can involve irrational and/or inappropriate thinking.

To understand this, we need to learn a little more about negative automatic thoughts.
They have a number of things in common.

Automatic - they just happen. They pop up without you having to think of them

Distorted – when you stop and check you will find that they don’t really fit all the facts

Continuous - you do not choose to have them, and they can’t easily be turned off.

They also seem true and therefore are seen to make sense, so you accept them as true
without stopping to challenge and question them.

Because our automatic thoughts seem very reasonable, we listen to them. We become very
familiar with them because we hear them so often. The more we hear them, the more we
believe and accept that they are true.

Challenging the unhelpful thinking

• What evidence is there to support this thought?

• What would my best friend/teacher/parent say if they heard me thinking in this way?
• What would I say to my best friend if he or she had this thought?
• Am I making any thinking errors?

The firework model

One model that can help us describe anger to children and young people is the firework
model as outlined by Faupel et al.

Anger is often a difficult emotion for children and young people to discuss and express. It is
therefore useful to have an analogy with which they can easily identify e.g. anger can be like
a ‘firework’.

A firework has a fuse which can be long or short = the escalation of anger.

LONG SHORT
The explosion of the firework = the angry outburst.

• The trigger is the match that lights a person’s fuse

• The fuse is the mind reacting - the thoughts and feelings which a person has, such as
feeling fear, feeling threatened etc.
• The explosive cylinder is the body responding physiologically, which may lead to anger
being expressed.

The same process can be used with the volcano analogy.

The assault cycle

The trigger stage

The come down

The escalation stage
stage

The recovery stage The crisis stage

Trigger stage - This is when the child or young person has thoughts and feelings that raise
their anger, when an incident is seen as threatening. This can be a threat to self-esteem and
self-image as well as physical.

It is best to help here as the person has not become physically fired up that they are incapable
of listening or responding to others.

Once the body has prepared for ‘fight or flight’ or has reached exploding point, it is much
harder to change the course of events.

Escalation stage - This is when the body is physically preparing itself for ‘fight or flight’.
Adrenaline is released, muscles tense, breathing becomes rapid and blood pressure rises.
Although it is possible to change the child or young person’s behaviour at this stage, it is
difficult because they are less able to think clearly and rationally.

Crisis stage - At this stage the child or young person is almost unable to think clearly or to
understand other people’s thoughts and feelings. Therefore, trying to help at this stage
is often difficult; instead it is better to keep them and those around them safe until the
outburst is over.
Recovery stage - This is when the anger starts to go away. It takes time for the body to
return to normal and another outburst can easily get set off again. At this stage the child
or young person may also feel vulnerable, confused and potentially guilty. These emotions
may feel threatening to the young person and trigger another outburst. Therefore, it
can be helpful to allow them some space before trying to talk things over or giving out
consequences.

Post-crisis/depression stage -This is where the body needs to recover and rest following its
outburst. The child or young person’s ability to listen and think clearly returns and they may
feel guilty about what they have done, leading to unhappy feelings about themselves. They
may need reassurance that they are still ok and loved, although also a consequence to learn
their behaviour is not acceptable. It may also help at this stage to talk about other ways of
managing anger.

We can underestimate how long the last two stages take. In adults it can take up to 90
minutes after a serious outburst for the body to return to normal levels. It is sensible to
leave 45-60 minutes after an incident with a child before you are able to discuss the incident
effectively.

The amount of time needed for a young person to unwind depends on the age of the
child and the severity of the incident. Young children are much quicker to recover from
strong feelings and are likely to be feeling fine; whilst the adult is left feeling drained and
uncomfortable.

Things to consider

• Why did this happen today/now?

• Is this normal/typical behaviour for this age?
• Does this reflect a familial/cultural belief?
• What do I know about this child/young person?

Ask yourself:
• What does this child/young person feel, need or want?
• How is the environment affecting this child/young person?
• How can I best respond?

Assessment

Observation of the child or young person’s behaviour is essential in order to attempt to

identify ‘early warning signs’ or possible ‘triggers. As part of the initial assessment process,
the “W5 technique” can be used:

• What? - does the child normally do when angry?

• Where? - does the child manifest angry outbursts?
• When? - do they usually manifest angry outbursts?
• Who? - with whom do they tend to become angry?
• Why? - do they become angry?

The first part of making any change is identifying in what context the anger occurs. This is
where the use of mood and behavioural charts are useful.
Strategies

Trigger stage
Obviously dealing with the triggers will not always prevent angry outbursts, but this is the
best time to intervene:
• Personalise – use the child or young person’s name
• Reassure - use praise where possible
• Interrupt
• Distract
• Re-direct
• Use humour
• Ignore
• Slow down approach - talking slowly and deliberately, asking open questions and using
reassuring gestures in an attempt to slow down a situation that is beginning to escalate.

Escalation stage

It is important that adults remain calm and speak in a confident, controlled manner to an
agitated child. Reacting in a similar tone of voice may only exacerbate the situation.

Speak slowly and deliberately - At this point the child/young person’s mind is likely racing,
limiting their ability to think straight. They will likely make decisions quickly and speak
rapidly.

Be assertive - “I” messages are less confrontational to the angry child or young person and
enable you to remain in control. These have three elements:
- The behaviour is described (remember to separate the behaviour from the child)
- The effects of the behaviour for you and others present are outlined
- You describe how you feel.

E.g. “If you interrupt when I’m talking to the class the other pupils can’t hear what I’m saying,
and we all feel annoyed.”

Active listening - Use active listening and clarificatory questions in order not to get side-
tracked by the child or young person and to clarify what they are trying to say (their attempts
to communicate may well be muddled and aggressive).

Paraphrase and summarise - Repeat statements in your own words e.g. “You’re annoyed
because John hit you?”

‘Broken record’ technique - Focus on the primary behaviour and avoid getting sidetracked
e.g. you merely repeat your initial instruction/request and do not respond to irrelevant issues
(‘red herrings’) the child may try to introduce.

Emotional labelling - This involves showing genuine concern to the agitated child/young
person. E.g. acknowledging their anger “You seem angry…” or “I can see that you’re
angry…”. Above all try not to take what is said personally!
Crisis stage

At this stage the emphasis is on protection. What we say and what we do as adults at this
stage is of crucial importance. Beware of your body language:
• Is it confrontational?
• Are you standing close to the child/young person in a threatening manner?
• Are you ‘eye-balling’ the child/young person?
• Is your body language compatible with what you are saying?

At this stage the emphasis should be on trying to keep the anger controlled and exhibiting it
in a socially acceptable manner. E.g. remind the child/young person that it is OK to be angry,
but we should try not to hurt ourselves and others or to damage and destroy.

Protection
Of the child involved in the confrontation
Of others present
Of self and other staff

Within schools
When you encounter an angry outburst in school, you have to decide very quickly:
“Do I need help?” and “Can I contain the situation?”

If you require help, how will it be summoned and what is the purpose of such? It is therefore
important that schools develop an emergency plan – planned so that the teacher or classroom
assistant knows what to do in a crisis. For example; how to contact another member of staff
for help, what to do with the angry pupil and the other pupils in the class.

For an older pupil, it may also be beneficial to let them leave the room voluntarily if they are
able to recognise that they cannot control their anger. There are obvious supervisory and
management issues here that should be outlined in the emergency plan.

It is preferable that staff plan responses to angry incidents before they occur, based on
knowledge of pupils who have previously exhibited angry/aggressive outbursts. Dealing with
a pupil’s anger within the classroom situation can be very time intensive.

Conflict-escalating strategies Conflict-reducing strategies

‘You’ statements ‘I’ statements
Focusing on the pupil Focusing on the behaviour
Stating what you do not want Stating what you do want
Accusing the pupil Expressing concern
Communicating vaguely Communicating clearly
Trying to change the pupil’s view Trying to understand
Asking leading questions Asking open questions
Interrupting frequently Listening actively
Acting indifferently Showing interest/concern
Interpreting and judging Clarifying
Trying to get the upper hand Seeking a solution
Being critical Being positive
Being defensive Asking for opinions and advice
Focusing on the past/blaming Focusing on the future/negotiating
Conflict strategies (amended from The Norwegian School Mediation Project – Kjell Andberg)
General principles for helping children and young people to learn to
manage anger

Be a model for children/young people

Show them how you use appropriate ways to tell others you are angry and sort out problems.

Discuss feelings
Helps children/young people learn that having angry feelings is normal and is something that
can be talked about. For them to learn to manage anger effectively they need adult support
and guidance. They need to know that anger is a normal human emotion and that there are
acceptable ways of expressing it. They need to feel understood and supported rather than
judged or blamed for feeling angry.

Children/young people can often explode in anger, yet not be able to tell you what their
anger is all about. This may be because their abilities to reason and think logically are not yet
well developed. Teach children/young people to recognise their feelings. For example; I feel....
when.... because.... or reflect to the e.g. it looks like you may be feeling angry…

Anticipate and prepare

Adults can help children/young people manage their anger by identifying situations that
often trigger angry responses and by being prepared to offer support. This may include
diversional techniques and planning with an individual child/young person in advance how he
or she can handle a challenging situation.

Manipulate the surroundings, try to plan the surroundings so that certain things are less likely
to happen, identify a special safe place to ‘cool down’ (the use of time out cards in school are
effective).

Use positive discipline

Providing specific praise when children/young people manage their anger well supports
their learning. Setting clear rules and predictable consequences for children/young people’s
behaviour helps them know what you expect.

Cool down steps to teach children

Recognise that you are angry Notice the body signals that mean you’re
angry, such as getting hot, heart racing,
tense muscles etc.
Give a number from 1 to 10 to show how
angry you are (or use a thermometer).
Cool down your body Breathe slowly
Take time-out in a quiet place
Go for a walk, do something physical
Relax.
Use coping self-talk “It’s okay. I can handle this.”

Try to solve the problem Talk to someone who is a good listener

Plan what to do next time.
Taking charge of angry feelings means developing a ‘bag of tricks’ or coping skills that can be
used for different situations.

Learning to recognise when they are getting angry helps children/young people understand
how angry feelings work. This is the first step to managing them.

Children/young people can be taught to be aware of what triggers their anger as they may
become angry if they simply don’t know how else to express their frustrations.
Anger causes a very physical response from most children and young people and they can be
taught to recognise these physical reactions and learn how to relax.

Young children need assistance with learning, remembering and using the steps.
Positive self–talk involves two basic strategies - telling yourself to stay calm and telling
yourself you can cope.

Older children can be encouraged to produce a phrase that they say repeatedly, sub-vocally,
when they feel threatened e.g. “I’m in control and I’m not going to lose it”.

A child who has lots of practice in thinking of different ways to solve a problem is much more
likely to solve a conflict in a positive way.

References and further reading

Everybody Feels: Angry When Sophie Gets Angry - Angry Arthur

by Jane Bingham Really, Really Angry by Hiawyn Oram,
QED Publishing (2007) Molly Bang (2008) Andersen Press Ltd (2008)

Don’t Rant & Rave on I Feel Angry (Your Emotions) Buster Anger
Wednesdays! by Brian Moses, Wayland Management resource
By Adolph Moser, (1994) www.kidpremiership.com
Landmark Editions (1994)

Working With Anger And Anger Management Games The Anger Management Toolkit
Young People for Children by Sue Jennings,
by Nick Luxmore, Jessica by Deborah Plummer, Jessica Hinton House Publishers (2010)
Kingsley (2006) Kingsley (2008)
The Anger Alphabet: Mad Isn’t Bad: A Child’s Anger Management: A
Understanding Anger Book about Anger Practical Guide
by Tina Rae and Karen by Emily Menendez-Aponte by Adrian Faupel, David
Simmons Sage Publications and Mundy Michaelene One Fulton (1998)
Ltd (2003) Caring Place (1999)

A Solution Focused A Volcano in My Tummy: Seeing Red:An Anger

Approach to Anger Helping Children to Handle Management and Peacemaking
Management With Children Anger Curriculum for Kids
by Berni Stringer and by Elaine Whitehouse New by Jennifer Simmonds. New
Madan Mall Questions Society (1997) Society (2003)
Publishing Co Ltd (1999)

Example of a feelings thermometer

RAGE

STOP

Angry
CALM
DOWN

Upset

RELAX

Sad
Think about
what you
really want
Happy
Think about
something good

Make yourself
Very happy happy
Example of coping cards – anger management strategies for children

Remember it is ok to feel angry,

it is not ok to hurt myself,
someone or something else Find out what makes me angry Tell someone how I am feeling

...10

Go for a walk Just walk away Count to 10

Breathe in through my nose and

out slowly through my mouth Practice my relaxation exercises Notice the changes in my body

Squeeze a soft ball Relax Play a sport

STOP

Stop and ask myself

Write about my feelings Ask someone for a hug if I am really angry
Don’t hang around with other Draw a picture
angry people of my feelings Do something I enjoy

GO
AWAY

Go somewhere where I can have Tell my anger to

Stop and think a scream “GO AWAY”

Write the person I am anger with

Think about something else Do an angry dance a letter and then put it in the bin

Scribble on paper and then tear

it up Hit a soft object like a pillow Go for a run

RED
Before you do anything, think of the
red traffic light and stop.
AMBER
Plan and think about what you want
to do or say

GREEN
Listen to music Go with your plan.
Remember it is ok to feel angry,
it is not ok to hurt myself,
someone or something else Find out what makes me angry Tell someone how I am feeling Go for a walk

...10
Breathe in through my nose and
Just walk away Count to 10 out slowly through my mouth Practice my relaxation exercises

Notice the changes in my body Squeeze a soft ball Relax Play a sport

WAYS TO DEAL
WITH
MY ANGER
Write about my feelings Ask someone for a hug

GO
STOP AWAY
Stop and ask myself Draw a picture Tell my anger to
if I am really angry Listen to music of my feelings “GO AWAY”

Go somewhere where I can have Don’t hang around with other

Stop and think a scream angry people Do something I enjoy

Scribble on paper and then tear Write the person I am anger with
it up Hit a soft object like a pillow Go for a run a letter and then put it in the bin
Example of coping strategies for young people
Think of someone you admire
This could be a sportsperson, actor, musician, or relative. Think about how
they control anger. Find out about people you do not know from books or
interviews. Try to put their ideas into practice. Imagine them stood next to you
when you are feeling angry. What would they advise you?

Think of someone beside you

When feeling angry, it can help to imagine there is someone beside you for
support. We can all use this image to help us through difficult situations. All
of us have times when we need reassurance. How could your ‘grown-up’ self
reassure your more vulnerable side?

Think of a theme tune

If someone is winding you up and you cannot get away, imagine a tune
playing in your mind. This can provide a welcome distraction. What would the
theme tune to your life be? It may be a song that describes you well, makes
you laugh, or inspires you.

Think of a place
We all have times that make us feel happy when we remember them. When
you are getting angry, think of a good memory and imagine that you are
there. Holidays are good times to use, as we are often calmer. Imagine yourself
on your favourite beach, listening to the waves.

Visualise anger
You can visualise anger in many ways; as a monster, pixie, dragon or alien. If
you visualise anger as a dragon, imagine yourself as a knight who can defeat
anger with your shield and sword. When you feel yourself starting to get
angry, imagine putting on a full suit of armour to protect yourself. As a knight,
nothing can hurt you and you remain in control.

• Recognise the angry feelings

• Listen to music
• Talk to someone - this can help put things in perspective
• Go for a walk
• Have a long hot bath
• Take slow deep breaths when you feel anger coming on
• Draw, paint or write in your diary what you are feeling
• Run, cycle, play football or other energetic sport
• Listen to a relaxation tape
• Get into a good book or computer game
• Have a long hot bath
JOB NO 1756 SEP 20