0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 1

Encouraging
better behaviour
A practical guide to positive parenting
0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 2

About this guide

Being a parent isn’t always easy. The guide uses a simple step-by-step approach:
This practical guide provides useful information Understanding you and your child:
on positive parenting and positive discipline and About you 2
looks at why physical punishment is never a good About your child 4
idea for children of any age. Positive parenting 6
Why children misbehave 7
Of course, you can’t just switch to positive
parenting overnight. If you have always shouted Reacting to your child’s changing needs:
and smacked, it will take time and some hard
Babies 9
work to turn things around. It may even seem as
Toddlers 10
if behaviour gets worse for a while - but keep at it!
School-age children 11
Eventually your children will behave better and
Teenagers 12
you will find you are less stressed and your whole
family’s life is happier. Being a positive parent:
This guide has been written by the National Why smacking is never a good idea 14
Society for the Prevention of Cruelty to Children Forget the smacking myths 19
(NSPCC) Parenting Advisor, Eileen Hayes, with Better ways to cut stress 20
the kind assistance of parents and practitioners. Top ten ways to be a great parent 24

Encouraging better behaviour 1

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 4

Which type of parent do you think is closest to you?

Not all parents

are the same - “ I love my children, but understand they
can’t have and do everything they want ”
“ I just want a quiet life”
how do you cope? Parents know it is their job to teach children family
Parents worried about doing anything to upset
a child.
rules of behaviour and what others expect.
Forgetting your own needs and ignoring
Having clear, simple rules and expecting all naughty behaviour, even when it is far
them to be met. from minor.
Giving children some control and choices Always giving in to whining
appropriate to age and stage of development.
Not encouraging independence, doing
Using mainly positive methods and praise to everything for your child
encourage behaving well, showing disapproval
but never using harsh punishments.
The truth is probably a bit of each
“ Raising children is a constant battle” depending on the circumstances. You may
even know that the ideal sort of parenting,
Parents know best, children must learn
keeping both children and parents
Having lots of strict rules happiest, and having the best chance of
children behaving well, is the first example,
Using a lot of demands and threats
sometimes called positive parenting – but
Punishing harshly and smacking often it can be hard to keep it up all the time.

2 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 3

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 6

Which is closest to your child?

Not all children are

the same - does your Placid, easy-going, quickly do what you tell
them – hardly ever gets into a battle with you.
child know exactly Can sometimes co-operate and behave well,
how to irritate you? but have moments when they seem
determined to ignore your wishes.
Almost never does what you ask without a
battle – seem set on having their own way.

No two children are the same. Right from

the start we can see how every baby is
different. One is easy to comfort and settle
to sleep, another has colic, fights sleep
and you.
Research has shown that there are
children who are more ‘difficult’ – that is,
more active, less keen to do as they are
told, play up more. This can make it extra
hard work for parents trying to be positive.

4 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 5

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 8

What is positive parenting and positive discipline? Understand why children misbehave

These are techniques that work well It works by: Attention seeking Children will do just Remember - all children test limits you set
with every child, regardless of their age, about anything to get the attention they crave and try to cross boundaries some of the time.
Creating a good relationship with your child by
temperament, background, culture or from parents. This is an inevitable part of growing up,
showing love and affection.
tradition. learning and becoming an independent
Revenge Trying to get back at someone they feel
Emphasising all the things that please you person. Younger children are testing
They build on a child’s wish to please you, has treated them badly – a sibling, parent or
about your child. constantly. This is not being naughty or
guaranteeing a more well behaved happy friend. Children may not understand your reasons
disobedient - it is the only way they can learn
child and less stressed parents. Being a good example - children will take their for insisting on a rule or limit - it helps to
when you mean what you say, and what the
lead from what you do. recognise their feelings of anger.
Different approaches will work for limits to their behaviour are.
different children in the family, and the Praising the behaviour you want and trying to Feeling powerless If a child feels upset at not
rules change as children grow. ignore minor naughty behaviour. having control, they may hit out or get mad, often
to an older sibling or friend.
Listening to your child’s views and negotiating
solutions to problems together. Feeling bad A child of any age may be showing
they are feeling sad or anxious by behaving badly,
Avoiding harsh punishments like smacking, or
and need more sympathy and affection.
shouting excessively.
Punishing will only make matters worse.
Having clear limits that are fair and age
Stage of development Some children are
appropriate; expressing your wishes in a way
simply not able to do what their parents want
that shows you mean what you say.
because of their age or stage of development.

6 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 7

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 10

Babies

Not all ages are

the same - are you Remember - babies behave as they do to get their
needs met. Their crying, or not sleeping, is not
Positive Discipline tips

reacting to their ‘naughty’ or done to upset you. At the beginning it

is your important job to sort out your baby’s
Be loving and comforting from the start
Gradually introduce routines.
changing needs? needs. Older babies may show a negative or
Use distraction with older babies on the
stubborn streak – spitting out food they don’t like,
move – point out something happening out
or wriggling away from a nappy change. All they
of the window when they head for the video,
are doing is trying to communicate likes and
or swap a toy for your keys.
dislikes in the only way they can, not doing it to
annoy you. ‘Baby-proof’ your home so your baby can
enjoy challenges without battles.
“ When my daughter was born she looked
so pale and fragile, like a doll. We Show that sometimes you have to set limits –
thought, ‘we can never hurt her’- and we but gently – preventing a poke in the eye by
never did.” holding their hand; strapping them into the
car seat saying “I know it makes you cross,
but we have to do it”.
Never smack or shout at a baby.

8 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 9

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 12

Toddlers School–age children

Remember - most behaviour adults call ‘naughty’ Positive Discipline Tips Remember – what you see as ‘cheeky’ or Use specific praise, describing what it is for
in toddlers is part of normal development. All disobedient may be a natural desire in your child and let minor misbehaviour go.
Avoid orders and ultimatums.
toddlers test limits, try to be independent, get into to assert independence and show they have
Keep criticisms to a minimum - and only
everything, get mad and have tantrums. Check Have clear, simple rules and routines to cut a mind of their own with their own thoughts and
criticise a behaviour, not your child.
with others parents of toddlers to realise they just down the need for battles. needs. These qualities may seem irritating, but
can’t help themselves and you are not alone. they are vital for adult life. Even though children Don’t be trapped into pointless arguments – a
Keep your use of ‘no’ to a minimum –
may seem very independent, they still need lots ‘broken record’ approach can work well – calmly
use ‘later’ or ‘soon’ if you can.
of love and reassurance. repeating what you expect your child to do.
Acknowledge feelings – ‘I know you are angry’
If your disappointment or mild disapproval
Positive Discipline Tips
Praise every little bit of good behaviour you doesn’t work to change a behaviour, try
want to encourage and turn a blind eye to Describe exactly what you want your child to do. consequences. They don’t do homework when
minor misbehaviour whenever possible. Give reasons, listen to their side of the story. you ask, they will be in trouble at school, or
they mess up their room, they must clear it up.
Ignoring (or trying to) behaviour you don’t like Try not to give too many orders. ‘Do this’,
means it is less likely to be repeated. ‘Don’t do that’, can overwhelm a child. Never smack – this gives a bad example of
how to handle strong emotions and makes
Remain calm and reasonable yourself, Listen carefully to your child about their
your child angry and resentful, which can
even when your toddler is in a rage, take a friends, their day, be alert to any worries that
damage your relationship.
deep breath and wait before responding. may make behaviour worse, talk about areas
of conflict.
Smacking always makes toddler behaviour
and tantrums worse and can make your
child afraid of you.

10 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 11

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 14

Teenagers

Remember - from pre-adolescence on, it is Keep criticism to a minimum – trust your child
normal for young people to challenge you more – to make the right decisions. Sometimes they
Working at positive discipline takes a lot of energy and
their friends exert a greater influence and they just need to learn from their mistakes. no parent can do it perfectly all the time. There will be
can’t go along with everything parents want.
Accept that some conflict may be inevitable. days when you are too tired or busy, and feel that you
“ I used to smack my son. When he was 14 Think of your job as guiding towards adult life. can’t be reasonable or put in the effort required.
I went to hit him. He grabbed my hand and
said, ‘No you don’t’. I never raised a hand Have clear rules and limits with reasonable
to him after that.” consequences.
All parents behave in ways they regret some of the time
Try not to use threats or orders.
– shouting or smacking, for example. If it happens, say
Positive Discipline Tips
Talk and negotiate solutions when there is a
you are sorry, kiss and make up and try again. This gives
Don’t take bad behaviour personally. Try to
understand how hard it is to gain independence
disagreement. children a very valuable lesson in understanding that
and a sense of identity and think back to how Never hit a young person. Harsh physical parents are human, make mistakes and can apologise.
you felt at that age. punishment only make defiant, teenage
behaviour much worse and can cause damage
Keep communicating – your teenager still
to self esteem.
needs your love and respect.
Appropriate sanctions might be withdrawal of a
Try to be non-judgemental about your teens’
privilege, cutting pocket money or “grounding”
behaviour.
– refusing to allow out for a specified time.

12 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 13

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 16

Why smacking is never a good idea

Some parents find it hard to imagine how they It can be very tempting to think this. “ You have to smack them if they try to do “ He bit his sister, so I had to smack him”
could cope without smacking. They accept that Unfortunately strict punishments and smacking something really dangerous” Sometimes parents feel a behaviour is so
the more positive discipline methods are valuable, always make matters worse with a naturally
Your small child lets go of your hand and tries to outrageous that they want to demonstrate to their
but believe there are situations where only a strong-willed child. They are likely to display
dash into the road, or they head for the cooker, child that it is totally unacceptable. Unfortunately,
smack will do. more defiance, answer you back, even hit back,
hand outstretched. For many parents in these smacking or biting back gives a very confusing,
and may fear but not respect you.
situations a smack is a natural reaction. They are contradictory message – that it is okay to use
The more defiant child has to be smacked “ You can’t make me”, overwhelmed by emotion, shock, horror, panic force or to hit physically when you are angry or to

“ I didn’t smack my two sons, but I did smack “ that doesn’t even hurt”. and show this by the smack. make a point. This does not teach the child why
their behaviour is unacceptable
my daughter because she was so wilful. Things can very quickly spiral out of control. But from your child’s point of view, a firm hug,
One day, when I smacked her, she said,
Smacking always carries a risk quickly lifting out of danger and the tone of your “ Smacking works faster”
‘That didn’t hurt!!’ I knew then that I mustn’t voice already demonstrate the lesson clearly
Smacking may look like it has the desired effect –
smack her again, because I was afraid of “ I smacked my little boy when he was enough. The hurt or sting of a smack just adds
it stops the behaviour in its tracks, maybe your
what might happen, and I never did.” about three. We were in the kitchen and confusion to an already confusing situation.
child cries or seems apologetic, it may even
he slipped and banged his head on a
If you feel your child is particularly stubborn and release tension for parents.
cupboard. There was such a bang -
strong willed or shows a lot of defiance – being
my heart stopped. I would never have But it can have a downside, and some
more cheeky and disobedient and would try the
forgiven myself… I’ve never forgotten it.” undesirable long term consequences.
patience of a saint, you may be convinced that
you have to smack to make an impression! Sometimes parents find they need to smack
harder and harder in order to get a result.

14 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 15

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 18

“ Sometimes they just wind you up to a point “ When I am feeling really wound-up I just The downside to smacking:
where you can’t take it” can’t help myself smacking. It helps
Even though they may not show it at the time,
release my tension, and I feel able to be
It can feel very hard when a small child seems to children feel emotionally hurt, resentful and angry.
more rational afterwards”
know exactly which buttons to press to make you Over long periods this spoils family relationships.
feel annoyed and irritated. There are times when we all feel stressed. The
Children who are often smacked learn that is how
washing machine may have just packed up, you
You may have been feeling in a great mood, then to behave. They may hit or bully other children.
can’t find the P.E. kit your child needs for school,
your toddler starts whining or older children start
you had a row with your partner last night, Children learn how to avoid the unpleasant
fighting.
everybody expects you to do a million things at outcome of smacking as they grow up – but the
It is important to understand what is going on. once. Whatever the reason, being on a short fuse behaviours they use may not be those parents want
Small children very rarely behave as they do just means you are much more likely to over-react by to encourage – like lying, or hiding how they feel.
to annoy adults. The youngest toddlers don’t smacking. It may feel as if you have made
Some children are likely to become more defiant
even understand what winds you up. They are yourself feel better but this doesn’t usually last for
and challenging, so discipline is increasingly
trying to get your attention, or trying to get some more than a minute or so. Most parents say that
harder as they grow older.
need of their own met. When you smack, it is to they feel guilty soon afterwards.
relieve your own annoyance. Others may become withdrawn and not
develop independence.
When you give out love, you get it back. When
you give out harsh punishments – screaming,
yelling or hitting, this means you are eventually
likely to get anger and resentment back.

16 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 17

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 20

Forget the myths

If smacking works,
why do you have “ I’ll teach you a lesson”; “A good smack”; “ But I was smacked as a child – did my
“Spare the rod and spoil the child”; parents get it wrong?”
to keep on doing it? “It never did me any harm”; “Don’t let Ideas on bringing up children have changed. We
him get his own way”; “You’re making a
know a great deal more now about why children
rod for your own back”; “You have to
behave as they do, and about the effects of
show them who is boss”.
smacking.
It is odd how many phrases have sprung up to
Our parents did the best they could with the
justify smacking children. It almost seems to
information available at the time. Modern parents
suggest that smacking is an essential part of a
choose positive discipline, and realise that
parents toolkit – that without smacks children will
smacking is rapidly becoming outdated. It is now
be uncontrollable and go off the rails - when in fact
banned in many countries, as well as in our
the opposite is true. Research shows that positive
schools and child care settings.
parenting keeps children out of serious trouble.
These also make it sound like being a parent is “ It’s always been a part of our culture
to smack”
a battleground, with children and parents
permanently on different sides. Hitting children should never be seen as excusable
for some groups of parents or children. Positive
But it doesn’t have to be like that. Many parents
parenting and discipline works best for everyone.
find that once they get the positive habit, they
hardly need to think about discipline at all.

18 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 19

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 22

Better ways to cut stress

There are much better, and fairer ways to Try to relax Remember that stress is catching
reduce your stress. Try some of the following: Find ways to help yourself relax. Exercise, If your children see you getting upset and angry
peaceful music, a quiet cup of tea alone, some when things don’t go right, they will probably
Talk and listen
gardening – whatever works for you. Visualise a react in a similar way in their own lives.
Communication is the key to all good
beautiful, peaceful scene, or your own idea of
relationships. Unless you ask for what you need, Get help
paradise. This can help to calm you down.
you probably won’t get it. Unless you say what This is a positive, useful step to take – not a sign
you think, you’ll end up feeling frustrated. Plan a treat for yourself of weakness. Remember that you’re not the
When things really get you down, choose only parent who feels that outside help would
Get organised
something that makes you feel good – a hot be useful. Ring your partner or someone you
Make lists of things to remember.
bath, a visit to the shops, a night out with your can talk to. The problem may not seem so bad
Plan ahead partner or friends. once you’ve shared it with another adult. Also
Work out the possible stress points in your day don’t assume that just because you’re a parent
Congratulate yourself
and think about what you can do about them. you are the only one capable of meeting your
If you have coped with something difficult, you
child’s needs.
Take time off have a right to feel proud of it.
Make sure you have some time to yourself – every
Look on the bright side
day if possible.
Concentrate on what you like most about being
a parent, and the good times in your life.

20 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 21

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 24

Managing anger

Unfortunately,
Some parents may have become so stressed
that anger is never far from the surface. Others
Try some of the following: hitting your children does
may never have learned acceptable ways of
handling the anger they feel – this may go right
Breathe slowly and deeply and count to ten.
teach them a lesson
Go outside for a breath of fresh air.
back to when they were children themselves
and to feeling that their own needs were never Leave the room and scream if you feel
met. Whatever the reason, it is essential you like it. It’s better to shout at the walls than
take steps to deal with serious anger and to get at the children.
help if you can’t do it by yourself. Go into another room on your own for a
minute and think about why you are angry.
Is it really because of your child or is
something else upsetting you?
Make it a priority to remain in control. Tell
yourself ‘I am not going to lose it, I will calm
down’, and take the time to let this happen
before dealing with your child’s behaviour.

22 Encouraging better behaviour Encouraging better behaviour 23

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 26

Top ten ways to be a great parent without smacking

1 Show your child love and warmth as much

as possible – the more they get used to
this, the more they want to keep it that way.
6 Criticise behaviours you don’t like, not your
child; use mild disapproval and reprimands
when a rule is broken.
The National Society for the Prevention of Cruelty
to Children (NSPCC) is the UK's leading charity
specialising in child protection and the prevention
NSPCC Asian Child Protection Helplines:
• Bengali service 0800 096 7714
• Gujarati service 0800 096 7715
of cruelty to children. The NSPCC also produces a • Hindi service 0800 096 7716
range of leaflets with information and advice on • Punjabi service 0800 096 7717
2 Have clear simple rules and limits. Be
consistent in expecting them to be met. 7 Give rewards for good behaviour
(hugs and kisses are best).
positive parenting.
Please telephone 020 7825 2775 for details.
• Urdu service 0800 096 7718

To speak to an Asian advisor in English:

The NSPCC also operates the NSPCC Child 0800 096 7719
3 Demonstrating by your example, giving
reasons, talking and listening to teach your 8 Distract younger children instead of nagging
or punishing, use humour to lighten up
Protection Helpline - a free, 24-hour service which
provides counselling, information and advice.
E-mail: [email protected]
child how to behave. difficult situations.
Visit: www.nspcc.org.uk
NSPCC Child Protection Helpline
0808 800 5000
4 Praise good behaviour, “catch them being
good”, and it will increase. 9 Allow children some control – making
choices, encouraging joint decisions. Textphone (for people who are deaf or hard of
hearing) 0800 056 0566
Children Are Unbeatable Alliance
An alliance of more than 300 organisations, campaigning for
children to have the same legal protection against being hit as
adults and promoting positive, non-violent discipline.

5 Ignore behaviour you don’t want repeated

as much as possible. 10 If punishments are necessary, letting your child
experience natural consequences, imposing a
consequence, removal of privileges, or “Time out”
NSPCC Cymru/Wales Child Protection Helpline:
0808 100 2524
For further information and advice, including alternatives to
smacking, write to CAU, 77 Holloway Road, London N7 8JZ,
telephone 020 7700 0627 or visit childrenareunbeatable.org.uk.
all work better than smacking.

24 Encouraging better behaviour

0607 NSP BOOKLET A/W 29/4/02 12:52 pm Page 28

Weston House
42 Curtain Road
London EC2A 3NH
Telephone: 020 7825 2500
Fax: 020 7825 2525
Website: www.nspcc.org.uk
e-mail: [email protected]

© NSPCC 2002 Stores Code 0727 Designed by Red Stone Illustration by Stuart Trotter Charity Registration Number 216401