Reality is a hallucination caused by a lack of alcohol.

If you think the problem is bad now, just wait until we`ve solved it. How long a minute is, depends on which side of the bathroom door you`re on. Consciousness: That annoying time between naps. If your dog is fat, you aren't getting enough exercise. If Americans throw rice at weddings, do Chinese throw hot dogs? How do you know when you run out of invisible ink? Male zebras have white stripes, but female zebras have black stripes. No one appreciates the very special genius of your conversation as the dog does. Whenever I feel like exercise, I lie down until the feeling passes. Nostalgia isn't what it used to be... If names will never hurt you, what if someone wrote a name on a rock and threw i t at you? The only two facilities that work on the bell system are schools and prisons. We don't make mistakes, we have happy little accidents. You know, the more I see of people, the more I like pigs. Paranoia is just reality on a finer scale. You have the capacity to learn from mistakes. You'll learn a lot today. The first myth of management is that it exists. God made the idiot for practice, and then He made the School Board. The average woman would rather have beauty than brains, because the average man can see better than he can think. Insanity is hereditary. You get it from your kids. Diplomacy is the art of saying "nice doggy" until you can find a rock. A diplomat is someone who can tell you to go to hell and make you feel happy to be on your way. I used to think I was indecisive, but now I'm not so sure. If you think nobody cares you're alive, try missing a couple of car payments. All I ask is a chance to prove that money can't make me happy. When you are in it up to your ears, keep your mouth shut. Eighty percent of all people consider themselves to be above average drivers. A truly wise man never plays leapfrog with a unicorn. There are three ways to get something done: do it yourself, hire someone, or for bid your kids to do it. Things are more like they used to be than they are now. The trouble with doing something right the first time is that nobody appreciates how difficult it was. Fashion is a form of ugliness so intolerable that we have to alter it every six months. People are always available for work in the past tense. Friends come and go, but enemies accumulate. A 44 magnum beats four aces. Just because your doctor has a name for your condition doesn't mean he knows wha t it is. Philadelphia is not dull -- it just seems so because it is next to exciting Camd en, New Jersey. Drive defensively. Buy a tank. Experience is something you don't get until just after you need it. People usually get what's coming to them... unless it's been mailed. If you want your spouse to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say , talk in your sleep. You will be a winner today. Pick a fight with a four-year-old. "Mr Gandhi, what do you think of Western Civilization?" "I think it would be a g ood idea." If you have a difficult task, give it to someone lazy ... that person will find an easier way to do it. The sooner you fall behind, the more time you will have to catch up. Eagles may fly high in the sky, but at least weasels don't get sucked into jet e ngines. If lamers could fly, IRC would be an airport.

Schizophrenia beats dining alone. There will always be a battle between the sexes because men and women want diffe rent things. Men want women and women want men. I never forget a face, but in your case I'll be glad to make an exception. The only normal people are the ones you don't know very well. A woman: "But if God had wanted us to think with our wombs, why did he give us a brain?" I couldn't repair your brakes, so I made your horn louder. When everything's coming your way, you're in the wrong lane. I took an IQ test and the results were negative. Ever stop to think, and forget to start again? Me a skeptic? I hope you have proof. I'll listen to logic and reason when it comes out on CD. How's your wife and my kids? Sin - I didn't invent it - I'm only trying to perfect it! I want to die peacefully in my sleep like my grandfather. Not screaming in terro r like his passengers. Celibacy is not hereditary. Everyone has a right to be stupid. Some just abuse the privilege. "Push to test." "Release to detonate." My wife said I never listen to her. At least I think that's what she said. I'm not into working out. My philosophy: No pain, no pain. I get plenty of exercise - jumping to conclusions, pushing my lucks, and dodging deadlines. I don't suffer from stress. I'm a carrier. He ended the job as he began it: fired with enthusiasm. I am not a vegetarian because I love animals, I am a vegetarian because I hate p lants. If at first you don't succeed, skydiving is not for you. Americans have different ways of saying things. They say "elevator", we say "lif t"... They say "President", we say "stupid psychopath." Take my advice, I don't use it anyway. I may be drunk but you're ugly. Tomorrow I'll be sober. Heaven won't have me and Hell's afraid I'll take over. My wife ran away with my best friend. I sure miss him. I don't suffer from insanity. I enjoy every minute of it... I intend to live forever - so far, so good. Life is a sexually transmitted, fatal disease... If a lawyer and your mother-in-law were drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you go watch TV or just have a drink? Remember kids, once you have pulled the pin, Mr. Grenade is no longer your frien d. If it wasn't for C, we'd be writing programs in BASI, PASAL, and OBOL. Booting error, no keyboard detected: press F1 to continue, press F2 to abort. You are shooting at your imaginary friend in front of 5000 kilogram of TNT? A program bug can be changed to a feature by documenting it. Make it idiot-proof and someone will make a better idiot. My software never has bugs. It just develops random features. A little nonsense now and then is relished by the wisest men.