Funny & Inieresting
Funny & Inieresting
It might look like I'm doing nothing, but at the cellular level I'm actually quite busy.
If you go to a bookstore and ask them where the 'Self-Help' section is, would that
defeat the purpose?
At Christmas, it goes without saying that you will be the one to find the burnt-out bulb
in the string
Buying flowers for your girlfriend or spending the money to upgrade your RAM is a
moral dilemma
Everyone else on the Alaskan cruise is on deck peering at the scenery, and you are
still on a personal tour of the engine room
In college you thought Spring Break was a metal fatigue failure
The salespeople at Circuit City can't answer any of your questions
You are at an air show and know how fast the skydivers are falling
You bought your wife a new CD-ROM for her birthday
You can quote scenes from any Monty Python movie
You can type 70 words a minute but can't read your own handwriting
You can't write unless the paper has both horizontal and vertical lines.
You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.
You go on the rides at Disneyland and sit backwards in the chairs to see how they do
the special effects
You have Dilbert comics displayed anywhere in your work area
You have even saved the power cord from a broken appliance
You have never bought any new underwear or socks for yourself since you got
married
You have used coat hangers and duct tape for something other than hanging coats and
taping ducts
You know what http:// actually stands for.
You look forward to Christmas only to put together the kids' toys
You own one or more white short-sleeve dress shirts
You see a good design and still have to change it
You spent more on your calculator than on your wedding ring
You still own a slide rule and you know how to work it
You think that when people around you yawn, it's because they didn't get enough
sleep
You wear black socks with white tennis shoes (or vice versa)
You window shop at Radio Shack
You're in the back seat of your convertible, she's looking wistfully at the moon, and
you're trying to locate a geosynchronous satellite
You know what the geosynchronous satellite’s function is
Your checkbook always balances
Your laptop computer costs more than your car
Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea what you do at work
Your wristwatch has more computing power than a 300Mhz Pentium
You've already calculated how much you make per second
You've even tried to repair a $5 radio
Money Matters:
Men are like bank accounts. Without a lot of money, they don't generate much
interest.
My parents were soooooo poor, they got married for the rice.
"Credit cards are VERY dangerous. Every time I try to use one somebody starts
chasing me with scissors." - J. Bothne
The best things in life are free.... or have no interest or payments for one full year.
Give 'til it hurts... then have your accountant calculate the write- off.
We were soooooo poor, we went to Kentucky Fried Chicken to lick the other kid's
fingers.
"People are always asking me how much I'm worth. Well, all I can say is, I've got
enough money to last me the rest of my life. As long as I die in the next 20 minutes." -
George Burns
Money can't buy everything... but then again neither can no money.
Money takes the sting out of being poor.
It doesn't matter whether you are rich or poor as long as you have money.
We were sooooooo poor... we would eat beans for breakfast, water for lunch, then
we'd swell up for dinner.
Money can't buy happiness, but it can help you look for it quicker, in a convertible.
1. Accept that some days you're the pigeon, and some days you're the statue.
2. Needing a man is like needing a parachute. If he isn't there the first time you need
him, chances are you won't be needing him again.
3. I can please only one person per day. Today is not your day. Tomorrow isn't
looking good either.
4. Last night I lay in bed looking up at the stars in the sky and I thought to myself,
"Where the heck is the ceiling?!"
5. My Reality Check bounced.
6. He who has, so shall he who. - Old Norwegian Proverb
7. Someday we'll look back on all this and plow into a parked car.
8. There are very few personal problems that cannot be solved through a suitable
application of high explosives.
9. Good news is just life's way of keeping you off balance.
10. Carelessly planned projects take three times longer to complete than expected.
Carefully planned projects take four times longer to complete than expected, mostly
because the planners expect their planning to reduce the time it takes.
11. God did not create the world in 7 days; he messed around for 6 days and then
pulled an all-nighter.
12. I still miss my ex-wife, but my aim is improving.
13. Stupidity got us into this mess - why can't it get us out?
14. Politicians and diapers have one thing in common. They should both be changed
regularly and for the same reason.
15. People will accept your ideas much more readily if you tell them that Benjamin
Franklin said it first.
16. I don't mind going nowhere as long as it's an interesting path.
17. Indecision is the key to flexibility.
18. If it ain't broke, fix it till it is.
19. I don't get even, I get odder.
20. In just two days, tomorrow will be yesterday.
21. I considered atheism but there weren't enough holidays.
22. I always wanted to be a procrastinator, never got around to it.
23. Dijon vu - the same mustard as before.
24. My inferiority complex is not as good as yours.
25. I am having an out of money experience.
26. I plan on living forever. So far, so good.
27. Not afraid of heights - afraid of widths.
28. Practice safe eating-always use condiments.
29. A day without sunshine is like night.
30. I have kleptomania, but when it gets bad, I take something for it.
31. If marriage were outlawed, only outlaws would have in-laws.
Ponder this:
If you overdosed on decongestant tablets, would you turn into a pile of dust?
At an 'all-you-can-eat' restaurant, is there a penalty for eating less than you can?
Why is it that most irons have a setting for 'permanent press' garments?
Why is it a 'garage door opener', since it opens and closes the door?
If space & time are the same as Einstein said, can you be five miles late?
If you wear your heart on your sleeve, where do you display other bodily parts?
And how come there's never a garage actually for sale at all those garage sales?
How would you ever know if a word was mis-spelled in the dictionary?
If we know the speed of light, why hasn't anyone calculated the speed of dark?
What's another word for 'thesaurus'?
If only the good die young then what does that say about senior citizens?
Right now I'm having amnesia and deja vu at the same time. I think I've forgotten this
before.
I got a new shadow. I had to get rid of the other one... It wasn't doing what I was
doing.
I was once walking through the forest alone. A tree fell right in front of me -- and I
didn't hear it.
I wrote a song, but I can't read music so I don't know what it is. Every once in a while
I'll be listening to the radio and I say, 'I think I might have written that.'
He asked me if I knew what time it was. I said, 'Yes, but not right now.'
I put tape on the mirrors in my house so I don't accidentally walk through into another
dimension.
I've been doing a lot of abstract painting lately, extremely abstract. No brush, no paint,
no canvas, I just think about it.
My watch is three hours fast, and I can't fix it. So I'm going to move to New York.
Four years ago... no, it was yesterday. Today I... No, that wasn't me. Sometimes I...
No, I don't.
A friend of mine once sent me a post card with a picture of the entire planet Earth
taken from space. On the back it said, 'Wish you were here.'
Every so often, I like to stick my head out the window, look up, and smile for a
satellite picture.
Sorry, my mind was wandering. One time my mind went all the way to Venus on mail
order and I couldn't pay for it.
I have a map of the United States... actual size. It says, 'Scale: 1 mile = 1 mile.' I spent
last summer folding it. I also have a full-size map of the world. I hardly ever unroll it.
People ask me where I live, and I say, 'E6'.
It's a good thing we have gravity, or else when birds died they'd just stay right up
there. Hunters would be all confused.
Great Graffit:
From a book called, 'Wisdom From The Walls,' by Kristen Kammerer and Bridget
Snyder. They compiled some really great graffiti, and here it is:
'If you can piss this high, join the fire department.'
- On the wall in the men's restroom at a height of 6 feet. O'Ryan's Irish Pub. Ashland,
Oregon.
If Clinton were captain of the Titanic, he'd say we were stopping for ice.
- Smoky Joe's. Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
To do is to be. - Descartes
To be is to do. - Voltaire
Do be do be do. - Sinatra
- Men's restroom, Greasewood Flats. Scottsdale, Arizona.
Curiosity killed the cat, but for a while I was the suspect.
I was arrested for scalping low numbers at the Deli. Sold 'em a 3 for 28 bucks.
I like to bring a flash light to the movies and just have all the rows move down for no
reason.
Why is it a penny for your thought, but you have to put your 2 cents in? Somebody's
makin' a penny.
I like to tease my plants when I water them. I like to water them with ice cubes.
For my birthday I got a humidifier and a de-humidifier. I put them in the same room
and let them fight it out.
I went to a museum that had all the heads and arms from the statues in all the other
museums.
Had trouble goin' home because I parked in a tow-away zone and when I came back
the whole entire area was gone.
I used to work for a factory that made fire hydrants, but you couldn't park anywhere
near the place.
Years ago, I used to work in an organic health food store in Seattle, Washington and a
man walked in and asked 'If I melt dry ice, can I swim without getting wet?'
I told my girlfriend when I was going to die, because my birth certificate had an
expiration date on it.
I'm planning a trip to Spain so I bought an album that teaches you the language. You
put the album on, you put the headphones on, you learn the language while you're
sleeping. During the night the record skipped. I got up the next day, now I can only
stutter in Spanish.
I have a telescope on the peep hole of my door so I can see who is at the door for 200
miles.
I have an answering machine for my phone. Now when I'm not home and someone
calls me up they hear a recording of a busy signal.
I have a map of the U.S. that's actual size. It says 1 mile = 1 mile.
I walked up to this girl in a bar and asked 'Do you live around here often?'
You know when your sitting in a chair and you lean back so you're on just 2 legs and
you almost fall over and at the last second you catch yourself? I feel like that all the
time.
I broke a mirror in my house and I am supposed to get 7 years bad luck, but my
lawyer thinks he can get me 5.
I finally went to the eye doctor and got contacts, but I only need them when I read so I
got flipups.
I got up the other day and everything in my apartment was stolen and replaced with an
exact replica.
I live in a house that is on the median strip of the highway. The only thing I don't like
about it is I have to leave my driveway doing 60 mph.
One night a jet flew a little too close to my house. I was walking from the living room
to the kitchen and the stewardess told me to sit down.
I found an old swimming suit that I had made out of sponges. I remember one time I
wore it in a pool, then I left and no one could go swimming until I came back.
In my bedroom instead of a night light, I have a search night light. It goes back &
forth across the room. If I have to get up & go to the bathroom in the middle of the
night I have to time it just right so I don't get caught.
I had a 3-year old puppy and I named him 'Stay'. He was really confused, I used to
say, 'Come here, Stay', 'Come here, Stay'.
One morning my girlfriend asked me if I slept well and I replied 'No, I made a few
mistakes.'
One time the police stopped me for speeding and said 'Don't you know the speed limit
is only 55 miles an hour?' I said, 'I know, but I wasn't going to be be out that long.'
I think they should put the wrapper of a straw on the inside because that is the part
you don't want to get dirty.
I like to fill my tub up with water, turn the shower on and pretend like I am in a
submarine that has been hit.
I hate when my foot falls asleep during the day, because that means it will be up all
night.
When I get real, real bored I like to go downtown and get a good parking spot, then sit
in my car and count how many people ask me if I'm leaving.
When I was a baby I kept a diary. Recently I was reading, it said: Day 1: Still tired
from the move. Day 2: Everybody talks to me like I am some kind of idiot.
Last time I went skiing I had to get up at 5:00 in the morning. I knew I couldn't do that
so I slept with my skis on. When my ride came for me at 5:30 he couldn't wake me up
so he carried me out of the house and strapped my skis to the roof of the car and drove
right to the mountain. Seventeen (17) miles later I woke up and had a bizarre dream I
was ski diving horizontally.
I'm tired of calling up the movies and getting the message on what's playing so I
bought the album.
I went to a place to eat that said 'Breakfast Anytime'. So I ordered french toast during
the Rennaisance.
I just got out of the hospital. I was in a speed reading accident. I hit a book mark.
I've been doing some extremely abstract paintings. No paint, no canvas. I just think
about it.
I went to a museum where all the paintings were done by children. All the paintings
were up on refrigerators.
I called a wrong phone number today. I asked, 'Is Joey there?' The woman says 'Yes.' I
said, 'May I speak to him please?' She said, 'No, he can't right now, he is only 2
months old. I said, 'All right, I'll wait.'
If you were in your vehicle traveling the speed of light and you turn your headlights
on, what would they do?
For a while I didn't have a car, so I drove a helicopter. I didn't have anywhere to park
it so I tied a rope to it, and left it running.
There's a pizza place near where I live that only sells slices. You go by there and you
see the guy throwing up little triangles.
I'm writing a book. I have all the page numbers down, now I just have to fill in the
rest.
I wrote a song, but I don't know how to read music, so I don't know what it is.
When I hear a baby, I always write down the noises he makes, so later I can ask him
what he meant.
First time I ever read the dictionary, I thought it was a poem about everything.
A while ago I had no electricity in my house. I had no lights, I couldn't see what I was
doing. Good thing my camera had a flash.
I put tape on the mirrors in my house, so that I won't accidently walk through another
dimension.
I put instant coffee in a microwave oven and I almost went back in time.
I put a new engine in my car, but I didn't take the other one out. Now I can go 500
mph.
I took my headlights out and put strobe lights in. Now when I drive at night it looks
like I am the only one that is moving.
I like my dental hygnetist. I think she is very pretty. So when I go to have my teeth
cleaned, while I'm in the waiting room, I eat an entire box of Oreo cookies.
I have a large sea shell collection which I keep scattered on the beaches all over the
world.
I have 2 rare photographs. One is Houdini locking his keys in his car. The other is
Norman Rockwell beating up a child.
I was in a book store and saw a french looking girl. She was bi-illterate. She couldn't
read in 2 languages.
I have a microwave fireplace. I can lay in front of the fire for the evening in 8
minutes.
I like the Stones. I can't beleive they're still doing it afer all the years...Fred & Barney.
I drove cross-country with a friend and we split the driving. We switched every half
mile.
Some people think my friend George is weird because he has sideburns behind his
ears. I think he is weird because he has false teeth, but he has braces on them.
My friend George is a radio announcer and when he walks under a bridge you can't
hear him talk.
- A pat on the back is only a few centimeters from a kick in the pants.
- Don't be irreplaceable, if you can't be replaced, you can't be promoted.
- The more crap you put up with, the more crap you are going to get.
- You can go anywhere you want if you look serious and carry a clipboard.
- Eat one live toad the first thing in the morning and nothing worse will happen to you
the rest of the day.
- Never ask two questions in a business letter. The reply will discuss the one you are
least interested in, and say nothing about the other.
- When the bosses talk about improving productivity, they are never talking about
themselves.
- If at first you don't succeed, try again. Then quit. No use being a fool about it.
- There will always be beer cans rolling on the floor of your car when the boss asks
for a ride home from the office.
- Mother said there would be days like this, but she never said there would be so
many.
- Keep your boss's boss off your boss's back. This is what I'm doing wrong.
- Anyone can do any amount of work provided it isn't the work he is supposed to be
doing.
- Important letters that contain no errors will develop errors in the mail.
- The last person that quit or was fired will be the one held responsible for everything
that goes wrong - until the next person quits or is fired.
- There is never enough time to do it right the first time, but there is always enough
time to do it over.
- The more pretentious a corporate name, the smaller the organization. (For instance,
The Murphy Center for Codification of Human and Organizational Law, contrasted to
IBM, GM, AT&T ...).
- If you are good, you will be assigned all the work. If you are really good, you will
get out of it.
- You are always doing something marginal when the boss drops by your desk.
- When you don't know what to do, walk fast and look worried.
- You will always get the greatest recognition for the job you least like.
- When confronted by a difficult problem you can solve it more easily by reducing it
to the question, 'How would the Lone Ranger handle this?'
- Machines that have broken down will work perfectly when the repairman arrives.
- All vacations and holidays create problems, except for one's own.
It was so cold last winter that I saw a lawyer with his hands in his own pockets.
The defendant who pleads their own case has a fool for a client, but at least there will
be no problem with fee-splitting.
There was the cartoon showing two people fighting over a cow. One was pulling the
cow by the tail; the other was pulling on the horns. Underneath was a lawyer milking
the cow.
If you laid all of the lawyers in the world, end to end, on the equator -- It would be a
good idea to just leave them there.
The airplane Buddy Holly died in was the "American Pie." (Thus the
name of the Don McLean song.)
Each king in a deck of playing cards represents a great king from history. Spades -
King David; Clubs - Alexander the Great; Hearts - Charlemagne; and Diamonds -
Julius Caesar.
The Eisenhower interstate system requires that one mile in every five must be straight.
These straight sections are usable as airstrips in times of war or other emergencies.
The highest point in Pennsylvania is lower than the lowest point in Colorado.
If you have three quarters, four dimes, and four pennies, you have $1.19. You also
have the largest amount of money in coins without
being able to make change for a dollar.
No NFL team which plays its home games in a domed stadium has ever won a
Superbowl.
The name Wendy was made up for the book "Peter Pan."
It takes 3,000 cows to supply the NFL with enough leather for a year's supply of
footballs.
Thirty-five percent of the people who use personal ads for dating are already married.
Humans are the only primates that don't have pigment in the palms of their hands.
Ten percent of the Russian government's income comes from the sale of vodka.
In 10 minutes, a hurricane releases more energy than all the world's nuclear weapons
combined.
Camper’s Complaints
These are actual comments left on Forest Service registration sheets and comment
cards by backpackers completing wilderness camping trips:
"A small deer came into my camp and stole my bag of pickles. Is there a way I can get
reimbursed? Please call."
"Escalators would help on steep uphill sections."
"Instead of a permit system or regulations, the Forest Service needs to reduce
worldwide population growth to limit the number of visitors to wilderness."
"Trails need to be wider so people can walk while holding hands."
"Ban walking sticks in wilderness. Hikers that use walking sticks are more likely to
chase animals."
"All the mile markers are missing this year."
"Found a smoldering cigarette left by a horse."
"Trails need to be reconstructed. Please avoid building trails that go uphill."
"Too many bugs and leeches and spiders and spider webs. Please spray the wilderness
to rid the area of these pests."
"Please pave the trails so they can be plowed of snow in the winter."
"Chairlifts need to be in some places so that we can get to wonderful views without
having to hike to them."
"The coyotes made too much noise last night and kept me awake. Please eradicate
these annoying animals."
"Reflectors need to be placed on trees every 50 feet so people can hike at night with
flashlights."
"Need more signs to keep area pristine."
"A McDonald's would be nice at the trailhead."
"The places where trails do not exist are not well marked."
"Too many rocks in the mountains."
Then: A KEG
Now: An EKG
Then: Paar
Now: AARP
1. She spent 20 minutes looking at the orange juice box because it said concentrate.
2. She put lipstick on her forehead because she wanted to make up her mind.
3. She told me to meet her at the corner of WALK & DON'T WALK.
4. She sent me a fax with a stamp on it.
5. She thought a quarterback was a refund.
6. If you gave her a penny for her thoughts, you would get change back.
7. They had to burn the school down to get her out of third grade.
8. Under education on her job application, she put Hooked on Phonics.
9. She tripped over a cordless phone.
10. At the bottom of the application where it says sign here she put Sagittarius.
11. It takes her two hours to watch 60 minutes.
12. If she spoke her mind, she would have nothing to say.
13. She studied for a blood test and failed.
14. She thought Boyz II Men was a daycare center.
15. She sold the car for gas money.
16. When she saw the NC17 (under 17 not admitted) sign, she went home and got 16
friends.
17. She heard that 90% of all crimes occur around the home, so she moved.
18. She thinks Taco Bell is the Mexican Phone Company.
19. When she was on the highway going to the airport and saw a sign that said airport
left, she turned around and went home.
I used to think that the whole world was against me. But I’ve found that a few smaller
countries are neutral.
I stayed at a really nice, really fancy hotel this weekend. The towels were so thick I
could hardly get my suitcase shut.
My sister (mother, exwife, whomever) is a great housekeeper. She’s been married and
divorced four times and each time she’s kept the house.
I just got fired, but the boss wrote me a really nice recommendation letter. He wrote,
“If you get (this guy) to work for you, you’ll be lucky!”
I applied to work with a local political campaign committee yesterday. They asked me
if I lie, cheat, or steal. I told them, “No, but I’m willing to learn.”
Good Question!
* Why do you need a driver's license to buy liquor when you can't drink and drive?
* Why isn't phonetic spelled the way it sounds?
* Why are there interstate highways in Hawaii?
* Why are there flotation devices under plane seats instead of parachutes?
* Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?
* Do you need a silencer if you are going to shoot a mime?
* Have you ever imagined a world with no hypothetical situations?
* How does the guy who drives the snowplow get to work in the mornings?
* If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?
* If a cow laughed, would milk come out her nose?
* If nothing ever sticks to TEFLON, how do they make TEFLON stick to the pan?
* If you tied buttered toast to the back of a cat and dropped it from a height, what
would happen?
* If you're in a vehicle going the speed of light, what happens when you turn on the
headlights?
* You know how most packages say 'Open here' ... What is the protocol if the package
says, 'Open somewhere else'?
* Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up atm.?
* Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?
* Why is it that when you transport something by car, it's called a shipment, but when
you transport something by ship, it's called cargo?
* You know that little indestructible black box that is used on planes, why can't they
make the whole plane out of the same substance?
* Why is it that when you're driving and looking for an address, you turn down the
volume on the radio?
Before you criticize someone, you should walk a mile in their shoes. That way, when
you criticize them, you're a mile away from them and you have their shoes.
A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I
have a work station.
If Fed Ex and UPS were to merge, would they call it Fed UP?
If quitters never win and winners never quit, what fool came up with, "Quit while
you're ahead"?
Do Lipton employees take coffee breaks?
What hair color do they put on the driver's licenses of bald men?
Some people seem to read the Bible a lot as they get older. Maybe they think they're
cramming for their finals.
Mothers here feed their babies with little tiny spoons and forks. Do mothers in China
use toothpicks?
Why do they put pictures of criminals up in the Post Office? What are we supposed to
do, write to these people? Why don't they just put their pictures on the postage stamps
so the mailcarriers can look for them while they deliver the mail?
Never agree to plastic surgery if the doctor's office is full of portraits by Picasso.
If it's true that we're here to help others, what are the OTHERS here for?
If a man says something in the woods and there are no women there, is he still wrong?
Go ahead and take risks....just be sure that everything will turn out OK.
No one ever says "It's only a game," when their team is winning.
Forty Nine Thoughts, Observations, Rules and Axioms to work into your liners:
Button-Worthy Sayings:
Who are these kids and why are they calling me Mom?
This isn't an office. It's Hell with fluorescent lighting.
I started out with nothing & still have most of it left.
I pretend to work. They pretend to pay me.
If I throw a stick, will you leave?
You! Off my planet!
Therapy is expensive, poppin' bubble wrap is cheap! You choose.
I like cats, too. Let's exchange recipes.
Errors have been made. Others will be blamed.
And your crybaby, whiny opinion would be...?
If only you'd use your powers for good instead of evil.
See no evil, hear no evil, date no evil.
Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.
Do they ever shut up on your planet?
Are those your eyeballs? I found them in my cleavage.
A cubicle is just a padded cell without a door.
You say I'm a bitch like it's a bad thing.
Not all men are annoying. Some are dead.
Ambivalent? Well, yes and no.
I majored in liberal arts. Will that be for here or to go?
Merger Mania
Here are the new product and company names resulting from mergers of some well
known companies:
W. R. Grace Co., Fuller Brush Co., Mary Kay Cosmetics and Hale
Hale Mary Fuller Grace
3M & Goodyear:
mmmGood
And now some oneliners from stand-up comics. Thanks to Patty (megamom) for
the contribution.
Never raise your hands to your kids. It leaves your groin unprotected.
* Red Buttons
Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you?
But when you take him in a car he sticks his head out the window.
* Steve Bluestone
Have you ever noticed? Anybody going slower than you is an idiot, and anyone going
faster than you is a maniac.
* George Carlin
The reason most people play golf is to wear clothes they would not be caught dead in
otherwise.
* Roger Simon
I'm desperately trying to figure out why kamikaze pilots wore helmets.
* Dave Edison
I voted for the Democrats because I didn't like the way the Republicans were running
the country. Which is turning out to be like shooting yourself in the head to stop your
headache.
* Jack Mayberry
I have six locks on my door all in a row. When I go out, I lock every other one. I
figure no matter how long somebody stands there picking the locks, they are always
locking three.
* Elayne Boosler
Ever wonder if illiterate people get the full effect of alphabet soup?
* John Mendoza
I had a linguistics professor who said that it's man's ability to use language that makes
him the dominant species on the planet. That may be. But I think there's one other
thing that separates us from animals. We aren't afraid of vacuum cleaners.
* Jeff Stilson
The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from
some form of mental illness. Think of your three best friends. If they are okay, then
it's you.
* Rita Mae Brown
Now they show you how detergents take out bloodstains, a pretty violent image there.
I think if you've got a T-shirt with a bloodstain all over it, maybe laundry isn't your
biggest problem. Maybe you should get rid of the body before you do the wash.
* Jerry Seinfeld
Why does Sea World have a seafood restaurant? I'm halfway through my fish burger
and I realize, Oh my gosh....I could be eating a slow learner.
* Lynda Montgomery
Here are some oneliners for jocks who are self-proclaimed "Round Mounds of
Sound":
I’m so fat...