We know that he has, more than any other man, the gift of compressing the largest

amount of words into the smallest amount of thought.

In the course of my life I have often had to eat my words, and I must confess that
I have always found it a wholesome diet.

I had a perfectly wonderful evening, but this wasn't it

The trouble with her is that she lacks the power of conversation, but not the power
of speech

Some cause happiness wherever they go, some whenever they go

So many clowns, so few circuses

He has Van Gogh's ear for music

If you become a mother, can I have one of the puppies

What's the opposite of "thank you"? I'm pretty sure it ends in "you."

My opinions may have changed, but not the fact that I'm right

Dont underestimate the power of stupid people in large numbers

If you find it hard to laugh at yourself, I would be happy to do it for you

He loves nature in spite of what it did to him

I am sorry you think you deserve an apology

Where are you coming from? The beauty shop. Was it closed?

You are not stupid, you just have bad luck when thinking

The more I learn about people, the more I like my dog

I could agree with you, but then we would both be wrong

I can give the respected member all the information he wants but I'm afraid I
cannot give him the intelligence to understand it

Eat right. Stay fit. Die anyway

Would you mind repeating the part where you weren't talking?

You're never too old to learn something stupid

Remember when phones were stupid and people were smart? Good times

I'm not arguing, I'm just explaining why I'm right

I'm not ignoring you, I'm just losing interest

I'm not old, I'm chronologically gifted

He has no enemies, but is intensely disliked by his friends

To err is human, to blame it on somebody else shows management potential

Drive slow and enjoy the scenery, drive fast and join the scenery

Earlier, people used to rest after a whole day's work. Now, they need to exercise

Sometimes I need what only you can provide: your absence

Marriage is the chief cause of divorce

If you're too open-minded, your brains will fall out

Tell me... Is being stupid a profession or are you just gifted?

He is simply a shiver looking for a spine to run up

His mother should have thrown him away and kept the stork

A new year is like a clean slate, just waiting for somebody to run their
fingernails across it

2 in 1 people are siamese

My neighbour knocked on my door at 2.30am this morning, can you believe that
2.30am? Luckily for him I was still up playing my drums

My brothers still confused after I asked him if he’s heard that new thing they’re
not telling gay people

This might look like fat to you, but it’s really a soft,protective cover for my
rock-hard abs

Give someone an inch, they take a yard… that’s when you give them a foot and shove
it up their ass

Weather forecast for tonight: dark

Waldo is one of those people who would be enormously improved by death

Oh I'm sorry, did the middle of my sentence interrupt the beginning of yours?

I want to thank you from the middle of my finger

If only closed minds came with closed mouths

He has got a lot to be modest about

Bette Davis on the death of Joan Crawford: "One should say nothing but good of the
dead. Joan Crawford is dead. Good!

Tact is the ability to tell someone to go to hell in such a way that they look
forward to the trip

I believe in luck: how else can you explain the success of those you don’t like?

Never judge a book by its movie

War doesn’t determine who’s right. War determines who’s left

For your information, I would like to ask a question

She is a peacock in everything but beauty

The United States invariably does the right thing, after having exhausted every
other alternative

I can resist everything except temptation

Warning: children left unattended will be sold to the circus

I’m not saying I don’t like you, but I’m not saying I do

Don't talk loud, you're lowering the IQ of the whole street

For every complex problem, there is an answer that is simple, obvious, and wrong

Is your ass jealous of all that shit coming out from your mouth?

Of course, I talk like an idiot, how else could you understand me?

Stupidity is not a crime, so you're free to go

Always remember you are unique, just like everyone else

You, sir, are the master of the single entendre!

The early bird may get the worm, but it's the second mouse who gets the cheese

What's on your mind, if you will allow the overstatement?

I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific

I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me

I am not afraid of death, I just don’t want to be there when it happens

"I can easily find when someone lies ! " "Wow , you should be really smart" "I
know"

Oh my dear ! Just how much makeup will you need for both of your faces

Sometimes the road less traveled is less traveled for a reason

Congratulations, If you press the elevator button three times it goes into hurry
mode

I wonder where my brother is, his lunch is getting all cold and eaten

Mirrors can't talk, lucky for you they can't laugh either

No words can describe how much I don't care

There is a good chance you don't like me. But an even better chance I don't care

Well, aren't you a waste of two billion years of evolution

Time is a great healer but a poor beautician

A woman's mind is cleaner than a man's. She change it more often

All I know is that one of us is right and the other is you

I hate when you leave, because you always return

I am busy right now, can I ignore you some other time?

Find your patience before I lose mine

It’s okay if you don’t like me. Not everyone has good taste

I clapped because it’s finished, not because I like it

If had a dollar for every smart thing you say. I’ll be poor

I’m sorry while you were talking I was trying to figure where the hell you got the
idea I cared

No, you don’t have to repeat yourself. I was ignoring you the first time

I don’t have the energy to pretend to like you today

I’m sorry I hurt your feelings when I called you stupid. I really thought you
already knew

Don’t worry about what people think. They don’t do it very often

I never forget a face, but in your case, I’ll be glad to make an exception

Just because I don’t care doesn’t mean I don’t understand

Sometimes the amount of self-control it takes to not say what's on my mind is so

immense, I need a nap afterward

Me pretending to listen should be enough for you

Sometimes I wish I was an octopus so I could slap eight people at once

I don't keep secrets, I just keep people out of my business

Be the reason someone smiles today... Or the reason someone drinks. Whatever works

I don't have a welcome mat at my door because I'm not a liar

I'll get over it. I just need to be dramatic first

Lead me not into temptation. I know the way

Sorry for being late. I got caught up enjoying my last few minutes of not being
here

My silence doesn't mean I agree with you. It's just that your level of ignorance
has rendered me speechless

Shut your mouth when you’re talking to me

Sometimes I meet people and feel bad for their dog

You play the victim. I'll play the disinterested bystander

My neighbors listen to good music whether they like it or not

I’ll try being nicer, if you try being smarter

I was asked what I look for in a relationship. Apparently 'a way out' wasn't the
right answer

It's amazing how clean my house can get when I'm pissed off

I don't fall asleep. I overthink myself into a coma

If karma doesn’t hit you, I gladly will

The older I get the less surprised I think I'd be if a random body part just fell
off one day

Keep rolling your eyes. Maybe you’ll find a brain back there

Back in my day, people used to take photos with other people in them

During labor, the pain is so great that a woman can almost imagine what a man feels
like when he has a fever

You're giving me the silent treatment? Finally

If it looks like I give a damn, please tell me. I don’t want to give off the wrong
impression

Autocorrect still thinks I want to say 'duck' 12 times a day

If you wrote down every single thought you ever had you would get an award for the
shortest story ever

When a man steals your wife there is no better revenge than to let him keep her

Nice perfume. Must you marinate in it?

Didn't sleep much but I did get a solid few hours of worrying done

Your fervent, misguided sense of entitlement is stunning

I have neither the time nor the crayons to explain this to you

Someday, you'll go far. I hope you stay there

It’s ok if you disagree with me. I can’t force you to be right

People need to start appreciating the effort I put in to not be a serial killer

Life is short. Smile while you still have teeth

Oops! Did I just roll my eyes out loud?

I'm starting to think my purpose in life is to serve as a cautionary tale to others

This place is so weird that the cockroaches have moved next door

There's someone for everyone and that person for you is a psychiatrist
Patience: What you have when there are too many witnesses

I’m sorry, I don’t take orders. I barely take suggestions

We all know someone who speaks fluent crap

Be happy. It drives people crazy

They say ignorance is bliss but I find yours rather disturbing

Sometimes the first step toward forgiveness is realizing the other person was born
an idiot

I am not lazy. I am on energy saving mode

It might look like I’m doing nothing, but at the cellular level I’m really quite
busy

Whenever I go running, I meet new people... like paramedics

I wish more people were fluent in silence

I found your nose. It was in my business

They say good things take time... That’s why I’m always late

When I see ads on TV featuring smiley housewives using some new cleaning product,
the only thing I want to buy are the meds they’re clearly on

Hear that? It’s the sound of you not talking for once

Your opinion is very important to me. Please stay on the line until you hear the
beep for voicemail

Tell me what you need, and I’ll tell you how to get along without it since you’re
not that bright

The sooner I shoot you, the sooner I’ll get out of jail for it. Don’t assume that’s
not a major incentive

I didn’t say it was your fault, I said I was blaming you

Oh, I didn’t tell you? Must be none of your business then

Does someone pay you to wear those?

The only way you could ever become open-minded is by using a hammer

"I've been thinking..." I'll interrupt sympathetically with "oh dear, did it hurt?"

Do what you do best: Nothing

Everyone has the right to express their opinion, even if it is wrong

You cannot fool me, I am too stupid

Act your age girl, not your dress size

The only thing worse than meeting him down a dark alleyway would be meeting him
down a well-lit one

Sometimes when I reflect back on all the beer I drink I feel ashamed. Then I look
into the glass and think about the workers in the brewery and all of their hopes
and dreams. If I didn't drink this beer, they might be out of work and their dreams
would be shattered. Then I say to myself, "It is better that I drink this beer and
let their dreams come true than be selfish and worry about my liver

I work hard because millions on welfare depend on me!

Earth is the insane asylum for the universe

Outside of a dog, a book is a man's best friend. Inside of a dog, it's too dark to
read

How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

I can explain it to you but I can’t understand it for you

I always say 'Morning' instead of 'good morning' because if it was a good morning,
I would still be in bed and not talking to people

I hate it when people are at your house and they ask "Do you have a bathroom?" No,
we pee in the backyard

When one door closes, another opens. Or you can open the closed door. That’s how
doors work

Mail your packages early so the post office can lose them in time for Christmas

Please be patient. I am ruining things as fast as I can

Insanity is hereditary; you get it from your children

If you must make a noise, make it quietly

I am not young enough to know everything