Solving Small Group Problems
Know Your Goals & Know Your God
by Holly Lawson, Chi Alpha staff member at Montana State University, Bozeman
Know Your Goals:
A clear vision is essential for effectively dealing with small group issues. Lack of vision or
goals creates an atmosphere where issues are either ignored or dealt with in a destructive or
arbitrary manner.
Three Small Group Goals: Jesus set the precedent!
Relationship building creates an atmosphere that is open and comfortable, allowing honest
and free communication, which fosters spiritual growth.
If we walk in the light as He is in the light we have fellowship with one another and will
be purified from all sin.
1 John 1:5-7
As iron sharpens iron so one man sharpens another. Proverbs 27:17
Discipleship through knowledge and application of the Word allows us to know His character
and ways. We gain His perspective, learn to love well, and receive His love.
To enjoy and glorify God is the ultimate goal of each individual life as well as the small
group.
Delight yourself in the Lord. Psalm 37:4 A command!
One thing is needed…choose what cannot be taken away. Luke 10:42
Know Your God:
The Holy Spirit is often doing something that is out of your realm of “human”
understanding.
Come to the small group with an open heart and receptive spirit.
Listen and trust the Holy Spirit to guide and work through you even when you feel
inadequate. Let Him be big.
Have a living, breathing prayer life. For in Him we live and move and have our being. Acts
17:28 Regularly seek God for your small group throughout the week and before the meeting.
The Holy Spirit will often prompt you regarding a specific person or the mood of the group. Let
your attitude be one of anticipation and awareness.
Practical Solutions to Common Small Group Dilemmas
The Quiet Ones
Two things could be going on:
They are naturally quiet and need time to ponder an idea. They do not want to say anything
that is silly or unimportant.
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The rest of the group is dominating.
Solutions:
Involve them in a non- “spotlight’s-on-you” manner.
Give them time to put their thoughts together. For example, after you ask a question say: “I
would like to hear from everyone on this one.” or “Let’s go around the circle and tell what
impacted you in this passage.” This gives them time to think as well as gives fair warning that
they will have to give an answer.
Start the discussion with someone other than the quiet person, unless their body language
cues tell you they are ready to answer.
Ask direct, open-ended questions after one or two people have already answered. For
example, “How do you feel this Scripture applies to you, Kara?”
Be attentive to their body language. Catching your eye, raising an eyebrow or leaning
forward may be signals that a person has something to say.
Ask them privately if calling on them makes them uncomfortable.
Affirm: Be lavish in your praise (but not fake). For example, “I totally agree.” or “That’s a
good point.” You could also privately encourage their participation by making statements such
as, “I thought what you said about God’s faithfulness was so wise. Tell me how you came to
that thought.”
Spend time with them outside of the group in one-on-one situations or single them out at
events. The more comfortable, safe, and valued the quiet person feels with individuals from the
group, the easier it will be for them to interact in the group as a whole.
Remember to allow people the privilege of being silent
The Monopolizers
Monopolizers are often natural leaders. Appreciate their enthusiasm and involvement. At least
the entire group is not consistently staring at you with blank looks and answering questions
with the dreaded “I don’t know.”
Solutions:
Give them a job. Often the talkative ones are those who love to jump in, help when needed,
or lead when given a chance. Ask them to open in prayer, lead worship, or bring a story or
quote about the topic you’re going to discuss.
In the larger group:
Put a time limit on responses by stating, “In one minute or less share a highlight of
Christmas break.” Stick to it, if necessary, by assigning someone stopwatch duty.
Politely interrupt, affirm, and move on when they take a breath. “That is so true, Joe. What’s
your opinion, Shawn?” “Good point, now what do the rest of you think about worship?”
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Individually:
Talk privately if it is a consistent problem. “Sandwich” the area you are addressing with
sincere affirmation. For example, “Will, I so appreciate your wise contribution to our discussion.
I love your enthusiasm! I do feel like not everyone in the group has the same confidence in
their ability to articulate as you have. I was wondering if you could help me draw them out by
holding off answering on some of the questions until one or two people speak? I want you to
know that your input is much needed and it encourages others to participate in the discussion.”
Be sure to make your affirmation sincere and contextual.
Stronger correction may be needed, but be sure to always speak in love keeping fully aware
of your own weaknesses. Come to them in love for the good of the group. Come to them as
well for their godly character development and successful people skills at work and socially.
Don’t:
Don’t ignore the problem and let them rule the group. You are the leader for a reason.
Don’t “put them in their place” or otherwise embarrass them by correcting strongly in public.
You are a facilitator not a dictator.
Don’t avoid confronting. You are a discipler, teaching and training them to do God’s work
better. Love them enough to help them change.
The Argumentative Group Members
There may be deeper issues or simple unawareness taking place with an argumentative
member.
Solutions:
Always remember: A gentle answer turns away wrath, but a harsh word stirs up anger.
Proverbs 15:1
Validate, disagree kindly if necessary, and move on. For example, “I can see why you would
feel that way.” Or, “I never have thought of it that way. What do the rest of you think?”
Offer a place or opportunity where they can be heard by asking, “Can we talk more about
this in our one-on-one on Monday?” This approach keeps the group safe for all members and
validates the person with the issue.
Follow up in one-on-ones. Sometimes expressed anger or frustration is a sign that God is
pressing His thumb on an issue in need of character development or healing.
Using specific examples, talk to them in private about the effect their actions have on you or
on the group. For example, “I do appreciate your zeal for truth, Dave. When you spoke to Fred
about the baptism with the Holy Spirit, your tone seemed antagonistic to me. Sound doctrine is
very important, but we don’t want to sacrifice relationship to get there.”
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It may be necessary to kindly and firmly “move on” in the group in order to keep the
atmosphere safe and open.
