1. How is the essay organized?

Does each paragraph contain one and only one main idea that
connects to the thesis? Does this organization help move the ideas forward? Tell the author if the
organization works or offer organization ideas.

The essay is organized with a clear introduction stating the problem and proposing a solution.
For instance, the introduction begins with, "Every day the United States experiences some
variation of gun violence. In the United States, there has been an increasing amount of violence,
specifically violence that involves guns." This introduction effectively sets up the problem of
gun violence and introduces the proposed solution of implementing stricter gun laws and
community-building programs. Each paragraph focuses on a single main idea that connects to the
thesis. For example, the paragraph discussing community-building programs starts with,
"Community-building programs have been associated with a reduced rate of homicides and
violence."

2. Where could the author use stronger transitions to strengthen connections between his/her
points?

The author could use stronger transitions to strengthen connections between points. For instance,
phrases like "In addition," "Moreover," or "Furthermore" could be used to smoothly transition
between paragraphs discussing community-building programs and the effects of gun laws on
different types of violence. For example, instead of abruptly starting the paragraph on gun laws,
a transition like, "Furthermore, in conjunction with community-building programs, stricter gun
laws play a crucial role in reducing various forms of gun violence," could improve the flow
between paragraphs.

3. Does the author have a thesis statement that is debatable, narrow, and that accurately reflects
what is argued in the paper itself? What part of the thesis is the stance/conclusion and what part
is the reasons/premises used to back up that stance/conclusion? Mark the thesis in your edited
version of their draft. If their thesis is weak or lacking in some area explain how the author could
make the thesis stronger.

The thesis statement is clear but could be strengthened. For instance, the revised thesis statement
could be: "Through the implementation of community-building programs and strict gun laws, the
government can effectively combat increasing gun violence in less fortunate communities,
reducing rates of suicide, homicide, robbery, and violent gun crimes." This revised thesis
explicitly states both the stance/conclusion and the premises backing up the argument.

4. Where could the author use more detail to further illustrate his/her thesis? Indicate these
places in the text.

The author could use more detail to further illustrate the effectiveness of community-building
programs and stricter gun laws. For example, providing specific examples of successful
community-building initiatives or citing statistical data on the impact of stricter gun laws in
reducing gun violence would enhance the argument. Adding detail like, "For example, a study
conducted by [Author Name] found that community-building programs led to a 20% reduction in
violent crime rates in participating neighborhoods," would provide stronger support for the
argument.

5. Are the style and tone of the essay appropriate for the audience?

The style and tone of the essay are appropriate for the audience. The language is formal and
objective, suitable for discussing a serious issue like gun violence. For instance, the author
maintains a neutral tone throughout the essay, focusing on presenting evidence and making
logical arguments rather than using emotional language.

6. Does each paragraph contain a topic sentence that accurately and effectively shows what the
paragraph will be about without including quotes or being too long or too vague? Highlight the
topic sentences in your edited version of your peer’s draft. If the topic sentence is weak or
lacking in some area then explain how the author could make the topic sentence stronger and
more effective.
Each paragraph contains a clear topic sentence that effectively previews the main idea of the
paragraph. For example, "Community-building programs have been associated with a reduced
rate of homicides and violence" effectively introduces the following paragraph's discussion. This
clear topic sentence helps the reader understand the main point of the paragraph.

7. Is the author too repetitive or present too much information? In other words, does the essay
overwhelm you as a reader because there is too much information or underwhelm you because
there is too little information?

The essay doesn't seem overly repetitive, but it could benefit from more specific examples and
data to avoid underwhelming the reader. For instance, adding more statistical data and real-life
examples would provide additional depth to the argument and prevent the essay from feeling
underwhelming.

8. Is the essay confusing because information has been omitted and/or too much information is
assumed to be known by the readers?

The essay is clear overall, but providing more detail and evidence would improve clarity and
ensure that no information is assumed to be known by the reader. Including more specific
examples and data would clarify the argument and make it more convincing to the reader.

9. Does the author include a section where they acknowledge, explain, and counter
positions/viewpoints that disagree with their own? Does this section include enough
evidence/quotes that help explain the alternative positions before they address them with counter
arguments or could they have included more? Does the author do a good job of countering the
alternative viewpoints/positions? If this section is lacking in any area, what are some changes
that the author can make to improve it?

The essay lacks a section explicitly acknowledging, explaining, and countering alternative
viewpoints. Adding a paragraph or section that addresses potential counterarguments and
providing evidence to refute them would strengthen the argument. For instance, addressing
common objections to stricter gun laws and providing evidence to rebut these objections would
enhance the credibility of the argument.

10. Is the essay in the correct MLA format?

The essay does not appear to be in MLA format. The author should ensure that they follow MLA
guidelines for formatting, including proper citation of sources

11. What are three things that this author does very well?

a. The essay effectively addresses a pressing social issue.

b. The author provides clear examples and evidence to support their argument.

c. The thesis is clearly stated, providing a strong focus for the essay.

12. What are two or three revision suggestions you have for the writer (that you haven’t
mentioned up until this point)?

a. Strengthen the thesis statement by explicitly stating the premises supporting the argument.

b. Incorporate stronger transitions to improve the flow between paragraphs.

c. Add more detail and evidence to support the argument, including specific examples and
statistical data.