What Is Codependency?
Codependency is a disorder of selflessness, passivity, and personal
powerlessness.
Codependency can be defined as the over focus on others and under focus
on one's self.
Codependents suffer from a sense of helplessness over their own
emotions and wellbeing.
They attach their happiness and worth to other people.
Because of that belief, they become on someone else, wanting them to
behave in certain ways: “If they do “X”, then I can be okay/happy.”
To get someone to change, codependents use caretaking. Behind this
caretaking is a belief that “If I did enough, the other person will love me
and change for me.”
However, despite their best efforts, codependents end up feeling
unappreciated and resentful.
They are also convinced that they will never find someone who will love
them for who they are.
Their low self-esteem manifests itself into a form of learned helplessness
that keeps them stuck with their emotional manipulator partner.
As a codependent, you may struggle with the following issues:
1. Perfectionism,
2. People-pleasing,
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3. Enmeshment in relationships,
4. Love addiction,
5. Shame,
6. Emotional abuse,
7. Trauma,
8. Anxiety
9. Depression,
10. Low self-esteem,
11. Poor communication,
12. Over-controlling,
13. Victim mentality or external locus of control,
14. Inability to tolerate being alone
15. Chronic feelings of emptiness,
16. Denial and lack of self-awareness.
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Are You Codependent?
You might be struggling with codependency if you:
Try to control events and how other people should behave through
coercion, advice-giving, manipulation, or domination.
Find no satisfaction or happiness in life outside of doing things for
another person.
Live too much by other people’s standards.
Feel that in order to get along and be liked, you need to be what
people want you to be, even if that includes ignoring your own
morals or conscience.
Believe that it is selfish to put your own needs before the needs of
others.
Find it easier to take care of others than to take care of yourself.
Allow feelings to build up that you do not express.
Have been raised by a narcissist, an addict, or a non-nurturing
caregiver.
Notes
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Codependency vs. Caring
The following prompts will help you reflect on the difference between
codependency and caring and challenge your limiting beliefs:
1. Do you feel compelled to help or fix someone?
2. Are you helping or enabling?
3. Are you helping in a way that encourages independence or
dependence?
4. Do you feel empty or purposeless when you’re not helping someone?
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5. Do you give unsolicited advice or try to help in ways that aren’t wanted
or appreciated?
6. Do you end up feeling guilty when you don’t exhaust every possible way
to help someone?
7. Do you give or help in ways that negatively affect you?
8. Are your relationships unbalanced because you give but don’t receive?
9. Are you helping because you want to or do you feel like you have to?
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Codependency Journal Prompts
1. What problems does codependency cause for you?
2. Is codependency helpful in any way?
3. How do you feel about giving up the unhealthy aspect of
codependency? What are you afraid will happen if you remove your
codependency shield?
4. How will your life be better if you can be less codependent?
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5. Was codependency encouraged in your family or culture? How so?
6. How can you connect with yourself more?
7. How can you start taking better care of your physical and mental
health?
8. What interests and hobbies have you been neglecting that you’d like to
pursue?
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9. What self-care activities would make your life more enjoyable and less
stressful?
10. Is there a relationship where you’re tired of helping? Can you stay
silent instead of volunteering?
11. What boundaries do you need to start setting in your relationships?
12. Is there a situation where you feel excessive need of control? If so,
how can you detach and let go?
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13. Do you find yourself often obsessively worrying about what others
think of you? If so, what can you do to feel less obsessed?
14. How can you start practicing gentleness and compassion toward
yourself?
15. How can you let go of the need to be perfect and forgive yourself for
making mistakes? What unrealistic expectations of yourself to you need
to let go of?
16. How can you embrace your imperfections and accept yourself more?
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17. Where can you ask for emotional support or help?
18. Do you believe self-care is selfish? If so, think about what you would
tell a friend who has the same belief. Say it to yourself!
19. What can you do to assert and stand up for yourself more?
20. Take some time to write about your values and what is most
important to you.
21. What interests and hobbies do you enjoy? How can you pursue these
more?
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Self-Care
1. How is codependency impacting your ability to take care of yourself?
2. How is not taking care of yourself impacting you in relationships?
3. How can you begin to do more for yourself?
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4. What self-care activities do you think will help you prioritize yourself
more? Choose from the following list and add some of your own:
Allow yourself to cry
Empower yourself through learning and psychoeducation
Find things that make you laugh
Give yourself affirmations, praise yourself
Identify comforting activities, objects, people, relationships, places
and seek them out
Make a playlist of upbeat songs
Make time for self-reflection
Practice receiving from others
Reward yourself for completing small tasks
See a therapist regularly or during times of high stress
Seek out peer support
Start a gratitude journal
Take a moment to express gratitude
Try some adult coloring as a form of anxiety and/or stress release
Try some mindfulness exercises to help bring you into the present
moment
Turn off electronic devices for an hour (e.g. computer, phone, TV)
Write things you like about yourself
Hobbies (stamp collect, model build, etc.)
Listen to a podcast
Listen to an audiobook
Listen to classical music
Make a ‘To-Do’ list of tasks
Read fiction
Read non-fiction
Research a topic of interest
Soak in the bathtub
Write in your journal
Do some stretching exercises
Do yoga, tai chi, or Pilates, or take classes to learn
Get a massage
Go borrow a friend’s dog and take it to the park
Go dancing
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Go hiking, camping, or backpacking and spend some time in nature
Ask for help
Call a trusted friend or family member
Choose who you spend your time with today
Donate old clothes or items to charity
Give your pet a bath
Go online to chat
Go out and visit a friend
Intentionally reconnect with someone you’ve lost touch with
Take children places
Talk to or introduce myself to my neighbors
Advocate for others. Find ways to make changes for the betterment
of society
Be aware of nonmaterial aspects of life
Do 5 minutes of calm deep breath
Do a 10-minute body scan technique to check in with each part of
your body
Do something nice for someone in secret
Donate money to a charity of your choosing
Give positive feedback about something
Go to your church, mosque, synagogue, temple, or other place of
worship
Identify what is meaningful to you
Make time for meditation in your day
Volunteer at an animal shelter
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Setting Boundaries
1. What are your physical boundaries in relationships?
Examples of physical boundaries may sound like:
"I am not a big hugger. I am a handshake person."
"No. I don't want to be touched like that."
"I am tired. I need to sit down now."
"I am hungry. I am going to get something to eat."
"Don't go into my room without asking first."
"I am allergic to […….], so we can't have that in our home."
2. What emotional boundaries in relationships do you need to set to feel
safe?
Examples of emotional boundaries include:
Saying No
Refusing to Take Blame
Expecting Respect
Finding Your Identity Outside of the Relationship
Accepting Help
Asking for Space
Communicating Discomfort
Your Right to Privacy
Your right to Change Your Mind
Your Right to Your Own Time
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Remaining True to Your Principles
Healthy boundaries beliefs to help you find the courage to set
boundaries:
3. I will let go of any guilt by remembering that
It is my responsibility to make myself happy and figure out what
brings me joy
It is not my responsibility to make sure everyone is happy
It is not my job to rescue people
I do not have to anticipate other people’s needs
It is okay to say No
It is okay if other people get angry
It is okay to spend time alone without having to explain myself
It is okay if the other person didn’t agree with me
It is okay to be myself and not what others want me to be
No one has the right to abuse me or disrespect me in anyway,
including my family, friends, partner, coworkers, or employer
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What’s Next?
Codependency include a broad range of psychological issues, such as love
addiction, people-pleasing, perfectionism, shame, anxiety, depression, low
self-esteem.
The following are worksheets that can help you along the way:
Increase Your Self-Awareness
Mother Wounds Journaling Prompts
Overcome Perfectionism & Procrastination
Stop People-Pleasing
Manage Depression
Manage Your Anxiety
Self-Care
Boost Self-Esteem
Improve Body Image
Improve Your Relationship
Breakup Recovery
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