Sharon Martin, LCSW

Your
Codependency
Toolkit
 Getting Started
©2019 Sharon Martin, LCSW

Welcome to Your Codependency Toolkit!

If you’re ready to rebuild your self-esteem, accept uncertainty, and let go of guilt and shame, you’re
in the right place! I created this toolkit to help you jumpstart your recovery from codependency,
people-pleasing, and self-criticism.

Years ago, when I first realized that I was codependent, I felt helpless and hopeless. I thought
codependency meant I was defective and inadequate. And I didn’t see any way out.

But as I educated myself about codependency, I learned that it’s not set in stone – and it’s not a
defect. Codependency is a bunch of traits – ways of thinking and behaving – that usually develop as
a way of coping with overwhelming or traumatic experiences. Codependency helped us deal with
really painful experiences as best we could.

And although codependency serves a purpose, it also prevents us from living authentic, fulfilling
lives. It makes it hard for us to express our feelings, prioritize our needs, pursue our interests and
goals, create healthy relationships, and see our worth.

So, now that you recognize that your codependent patterns are no longer serving you, you’re ready
to make some changes. But, how do you begin? What can you do right now?

Changing your codependent patterns can feel like a daunting task. That’s why I designed this
toolkit! I wanted to give you some bite-sized exercises and tips that you can use when you’re feeling
stuck or overwhelmed.

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 Getting Started
page 2 of 2

The tools are designed to help you with the following recovery tasks:

Gaining awareness (Recognizing Codependency, Healthy vs. Unhealthy Relationships)

Focusing on what you can control (Influence vs. Control, Learning to Detach)
Healing (affirmations, loving meditation, journal prompts)
Staying motivated (inspirational quotes)

I know from my personal and professional experience that change is possible. But I also think it’s
important to be realistic. Change can be difficult. It rarely goes in a straight line – and it can bring
up some difficult memories and uncomfortable feelings. With this in mind, I encourage you to think
about who can support you through this process. Many people find that seeing a therapist or
attending a support group (such as An-Anon, Codependents Anonymous, or Adult Children of
Alcoholics) helps to break down the shame and isolation that they’re feeling.

Change doesn’t happen all at once, especially when we’re talking about behaviors that date back to
childhood. In fact, when people try to change everything all at once, they often get discouraged and
give up. Instead, I recommend focusing on making small, manageable changes. And try to be patient
and kind to yourself through this process. You don’t have to do it all perfectly. Just stick with it.
Little changes add up!

I hope that this toolkit is a helpful way to begin your recovery from codependency.

Sincerely,
Sharon Martin, MSW, LCSW

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 Recognizing Codependency
©2019 Sharon Martin, LCSW

I frequently get into relationships with needy or dysfunctional people.

I focus on other people’s problems and needs in the form of caretaking, controlling, advice giving, and
worrying about others.

I'm self-critical and often have unrealistic expectations of myself.

I can be controlling and perfectionistic.

I struggle when things don’t go as planned. I crave predictability, structure, and certainty.

I feel responsible for everything and everyone, even other people’s happiness.

I'm a people-pleaser -- afraid to upset or disappoint others .

I don't really know who I am, what I like or want.

I ignore my own feelings and needs, often “stuffing” them or numbing them.

I put my needs last and feel guilty when I do things for myself.

I'm always dependable and responsible.

I struggle to set boundaries.

I've let people mistreat me or take advantage of my kindness because I don't want to hurt
their feelings, let them down, or create a conflict.

I over-extend myself and then feel exhausted and/or resentful.

I absorb other people's feelings. For example, if my partner is in a good mood, I can relax and enjoy
the day.

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 Recognizing Codependency
page 2 of 2

I enable others in their dysfunction by doing things for them and protecting them from the
consequences of their choices.

I'm sensitive to criticism and rejection.

I blame myself for everything, even if I didn't cause it and couldn't control it.

I tend to overwork and overschedule myself.

It's hard for me to relax and have fun.

I expect the worst.

I feel guilty and ashamed, like there's something fundamentally wrong with me.

I don't want others to know that I have any problems.

I don't feel lovable.

Sometimes, I act like a martyr, taking care of everyone else, giving without receiving, and then
feeling resentful and taken advantage of.

I'm passive-aggressive because I'm afraid of conflict and don't think I have the right to speak up.

Intimacy, open communication, and trust are difficult because I didn’t have role models for healthy
relationships and I've been hurt and betrayed.

I'm reactive and seem to overreact often.

I struggle with anxiety and depression; I feel hopeless, tense, anxious, or on-edge frequently.

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 Healthy vs. Unhealthy
Relationships

©2019 Sharon Martin, LCSW

Interdependent Codependent
Mutual reliance on each other; a balanced give and One person does most of the giving and receives
take. little support or help in return.

Helping each other promotes growth, learning, and Enabling is disguised as help and it creates
self-sufficiency. dependency and stunts personal growth.

You feel free to be your authentic self. You lose sight on your own interest, goals, values
and become a people-pleaser.

You fully experience your own feelings. You tend to absorb other people’s feelings and
suppress your own.

You know you have value even when others are You rely on your partner to make you feel worthy.
upset with you.

You feel safe and secure in your relationship. You fear rejection, criticism, and abandonment.

You have the ability to disagree or say “no” without You're afraid of conflict, have poor boundaries, and
guilt. expectation of perfection.

Honesty and the ability to admit mistakes promotes Denial and defensiveness keep things stagnant.
growth.

You have a sense of being your own separate, There's an enmeshment of identities/feelings so
independent person. that neither person functions like a whole,
independent person.

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 Letting Go of the
Illusion of Control
©2019 Sharon Martin, LCSW

Most codependents have big hearts. We care about others and have a tendency to focus on other people and
their problems at the expense of our own well being. Often, we try to get people to change or try to solve their
problems. But this doesn't work because we can only control ourselves and our influence is fairly limited. For
codependents, it's especially important to remember that influence is not the same as control. For example,
we may have some influence over what a spouse or child does, but we certainly can't control them. And when
we try, everyone ends up frustrated.

Stephen Covey, in his book The 7 Habits of Highly Effective People, uses the concept of the Circle of Concern
and the Circle of Influence to help us focus our time and energy on the things that we can do something about.
For codependents, it's especially helpful to add a Circle of Control to help us differentiate what we can
influence and what we can control.

Below, write anything you're concerned about in the outer circle. Next, determine which of your concerns
you have influence over and write those in the appropriate circle. And finally, write the things you can
control in the inner circle.

Circle of Concern

Circle of Influence

Circle of
Control

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 Letting Go of the Illusion of Control
page 2 of 3

Answer these questions when you feel stuck or unsure of whether you should
give advice, remind, suggest, help, or try to get someone to change or take action.

What concern or problem is bothering me right now?

Do I have direct control, indirect control (influence), or is it out of my control?

If I have direct control, what actions can I take?

If I have no control or influence what can I do that will help me accept what is?

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 Letting Go of the Illusion of Control
page 3 of 3

If I have influence, how much? (rate from 1-10)

If your influence is less than a “5”, focus on acceptance. If your influence is greater than a “5”, consider
the following questions.
Does this person want my help/advice/guidance? How do I know?

Do I really have as much influence as I think? What’s the evidence?

How much time, energy, money, or other resources does it make sense to devote to trying to influence
this person/situation?

How can I still keep the focus on my needs so I don’t get burnt out or obsessed with other people and
their problems?

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 Learning to Detach
©2019 Sharon Martin, LCSW

Detaching is an effective way to cope with a toxic, codependent, or dysfunctional relationship,

whether it’s with an alcoholic parent, a codependent friend, or a narcissistic spouse.

Detaching is the opposite of enabling because it allows people to experience the consequences of
their choices and it provides you with needed emotional and physical space so that you can care
for yourself and feel at peace. Detaching is similar to setting boundaries. Detaching puts healthy
emotional or physical space between you and your loved one in order to give you both the
freedom to make your own choices and have your own feelings.

Examples of healthy detachment:

• Focus on what you can control.
• Pause, collect your thoughts and respond rather than react.
• Allow others to make their own (good or bad) decisions.
• Let others experience the consequences of their actions; don't enable.
• Don’t nag, give unsolicited advice, or tell people what they should do.
• Don’t obsess about other people’s problems or what you think they should be doing.
• Maintain clear and consistent boundaries by letting others know how you want to be treated.
• Adjust your expectations. If you're frequently frustrated or disappointed, your expectations
are probably not realistic.
• Don't do for others what they can do for themselves.
• Work on solving your own problems.
• Take some space from an unproductive argument.
• Choose not to visit or attend functions with difficult people (or arrive late and leave early).
• Leave dangerous situations.
• Identify what you need and practice regular self-care.

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 19 Ways to Love
Yourself More
©2018 Sharon Martin, LCSW

Acknowledge when you’re struggling. This is the first step in any self-compassion practice. If you
push away the difficult feelings or live in denial, you will see no reason to treat yourself with
compassion. Struggling isn’t weakness or failure. It’s simply humanness. Acknowledge that you’re
having a hard time with something or someone without judgment. Start by saying, “This is really hard.
It would be hard for anyone.”

Accept that you’re imperfect and that’s normal. You can stop trying to be perfect, stop trying to prove
your worth by doing more and being who you think everyone wants you to be. When you make a
mistake, experience failure, or notice your own shortcomings, give yourself some love rather than
punishment. Criticisms and punishments do not motivate people to change.

Ask for help. A lot of people resist asking for help when they’re having a hard time. Remember that
friends and family actually like to help each other out. They don’t want you to suffer alone. Allow
them the privilege of helping you and trust that they’ll say “No” if they can’t.

Honor your feelings. As a society, we are uncomfortable with feelings, especially the “unpleasant”
ones. We prefer to numb out with alcohol, food, electronics, pornography, and busyness. We pretend
we’re “fine” when we’re really very far from fine.

Feelings don’t just go away when you avoid them. They will show up at another time in another way.
There really isn’t any way of avoiding them; you have to go through them. This is why honoring your
feelings is a gift you give yourself. It’s a way of validating your experiences.

Feelings are also windows into what you really need. For example, your anger might be telling you
that you’re overworked and tired. When you ignore your feelings, you can’t meet your own basic
needs.

One of the exercises I commonly give to my therapy clients is to start regularly checking in with your
feelings. Simply take a few minutes, be quiet, reflect, and pay attention to your feelings. When you’re
not in the habit of doing this, it feels foreign, but the more you do it, the more natural it becomes.
Eventually, it becomes automatic and you gain a deeper understanding of yourself.

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 19 Ways to Love Yourself More
page 2 of 3

Cut yourself some slack. Loving yourself means offering yourself grace when you mess up. It means
not expecting perfection. It means resting when you need to rather than pushing through the pain.
Notice when you’re judging yourself with hindsight and forgive yourself for not knowing what you
didn’t know.

Care for your body. Taking care of your body is one of the most basic ways to love yourself.
Everything really is much harder when your health is suffering. Often, we take our bodies for
granted. You’re probably keenly aware of your physical ailments or limitations. Instead of focusing on
them, try being grateful for what your body can do. You can either hate your body for having jiggly
thighs or you can choose to appreciate your legs for supporting you and carrying you all day long.
Caring for your body includes the obvious things like eating nutritiously, getting enough sleep and
exercising, but it can also mean soaking in a hot tub or going to the doctor and dentist regularly.

Allow yourself to dream. When you love yourself, you have hope for the future. You have dreams
and goals and ideas; you allow yourself to imagine yourself doing and going great places. Try a new
hobby or do something off your bucket list to show yourself that you matter.

Express your opinions. Your opinions and thoughts are just as important and valid as everyone else’s.
You don’t have to defer to others as if they know more or are more important than you are.
Thoughtfully expressing your opinions is a reflection of self-respect. If this is hard for you, start small
and with safer people until you build up your confidence.

Set boundaries. Sometimes it feels like setting limits is hurtful, but boundaries are a way of loving
yourself and others. Healthy boundaries demonstrate self-respect by setting clear expectations for
how people can treat you and how you will treat them.

Build relationships. Healthy relationships are good for everyone. Research shows that people with
strong social support networks are healthier, happier, and live longer. You don’t necessarily need a
huge circle of friends, but you do need a handful of people that you enjoy and can count on. Not
having a lot of friends is nothing to be embarrassed about. With deliberate effort, most people can
build positive relationships. Look for opportunities in the places you visit regularly whether it’s
church or a coffee shop or school or even online.

Write down your successes. I love this self-love activity because it creates a record of your
accomplishments (big and small) that you can re-read whenever you're feeling low. Add to it and read
your list on a daily basis for maximum benefit.

Make fun a priority. Put something fun on your agenda every week. Don't neglect it or cancel because
you have too much work to do or your kiddo needs help with his history report. Just like rest, we all
need fun in order to feel good. Don't skimp on this important need.

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 19 Ways to Love Yourself More
page 3 of 3

Invest in self-improvement. We all have things we’d like to improve, but not everyone will invest the
time and money in themselves to actually do the work. Self-improvement comes in many forms –
going to therapy, reading a self-help book, listening to podcasts, attending a support group. When you
love yourself, you’ll want to improve not because you’re “broken” or you want to please someone else,
but because you care about yourself. I’m reminded of one of my favorite quotes from psychologist Carl
Rogers: “The curious paradox is that when I accept myself just as I am, then I can change.” The desire
for self-improvement doesn’t come from self-loathing, it comes from self-acceptance.

Don’t accept all negative criticism as Gospel. Do yourself a favor and look at criticism with a curious
mind. Explore the validity of the criticism logically, rather than immediately jumping to defensiveness
or self-criticism. Loving yourself means that you can accept and take responsibility for your mistakes
or faults, but you don’t take responsibility for everything that goes wrong; you thoughtfully consider
whether the criticism is true.

Surround yourself with people who treat you with kindness and respect. Who you spend time with
reflects how you feel about yourself. People who feel worthy surround themselves with positive
people. Sometimes loving yourself means you have to end relationships with abusive or unkind
people.

Give yourself compliments. A good friend not only lifts you up when you’re down, but she also
congratulates you on your promotion and gives you a high-five for making it to the gym five times
this week. Give yourself the same kudos by saying, “I’m so proud of you for getting to work on time” or
“Yea me! I made it through that meeting without losing my temper.” You do a lot of things right. Be
sure to give yourself credit!

Accept compliments from others. Many people dismiss compliments because they feel uncomfortable
with the focus on themselves and doubt whether the compliment is true. If you feel uncomfortable,
try the compliment on and consider whether the person offering it is being true and honest. People
generally give compliments because they care about and respect you. The compliment-giver is offering
you kindness and positive energy that you deserve to benefit from. When you dismiss it, you’re also
denying the compliment-giver the pleasure of giving you this gift.

Slow down. Many people use busyness as a form of avoidance. They use it to avoid their feelings,
avoid saying “no,” avoid disappointing people, and avoid making decisions. It’s easier to leave life on
autopilot, but slowing down allows you to turn inward and listen to what your body, heart, and mind
are telling you. This will help you to understand what you really need right now. It’s hard to meet
your own needs when you don’t know what they are.

Give yourself lots of treats. Treats are nice things you do for yourself for no particular reason. Unlike
rewards, treats don’t need to be earned. The only rule is that self-compassionate treats need to be good
for you (sorry, peanut M&Ms really aren’t self-compassionate).

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 31 Journal Prompts
to help heal codependency

©2019 Sharon Martin, LCSW

Boundaries
What problems have you experienced due to your lack of boundaries?
What boundaries do you need to set? Be as specific as possible.
Why are these boundaries important?
What gets in the way of you setting or enforcing these boundaries?
What would you tell a friend who was struggling to set boundaries? Would it be helpful to say the
same thing to yourself?
How do you feel when your boundaries aren’t respected?
In what ways do you overextend yourself to please or take care of others? How does this negatively
impact you?

Dealing with criticism

How can you manage criticism from others?
What kinds of self-critical things do you say to yourself? Where did this negative self-talk come from?
How can you show yourself more compassion instead?

Self-Care
What does self-care mean to you?
What are some things that feel restorative to you?
What do you like to do for fun?
How are boundaries a form of self-care?
What were you taught about self-care as a child? Were you encouraged to meet your emotional,
physical, and spiritual needs in healthy ways? Did others model healthy self-care?
Notice how your physical body feels. What does your body tell you that it needs?
If you start to focus more on your own needs, what do you think will happen?
How might your friends and family members benefit from your increased self-care?

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 31 Journal Prompts
page 2 of 2

Emotions
Sit in quiet reflection for a few minutes. What feelings come up?
What makes you feel anxious?
What are some positive ways to calm your anxiety?
When you feel sad or lonely, how can you comfort yourself?
How do you feel when you try to set a boundary or say “no”?

Noticing positives
What are you grateful for? How can you express it?
What are three of your strengths? How do you use them?
What are three kind things you can say to yourself that feel true and honest?

Enabling and controlling

How do you try to help, save, fix, or control others?
What are you afraid will happen if you stop trying to help, save, fix, or control others?
How does this behavior harm others?
How does this behavior get in the way of taking care of yourself -- solving your own problems,
doing things for your health and growth?

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 Positive Affirmations
to help heal codependency

©2019 Sharon Martin, LCSW

I am enough.
Doing things for myself is healthy, not selfish.
It's okay to say "no".
I don't have to fix everyone else's problems.
It's okay to make mistakes. I don't have to be perfect.
I can cope with whatever happens.
My feelings matter.
Rest doesn't have to be earned.
I don't have to do it all myself. I can ask for help.
I release myself from needing to fix and control everything.
I will take responsibility for problems that I caused and I will hold others accountable for
issues that they created or caused.
I forgive myself for mistakes I've made.
I'm growing and changing every day. I'm not destined to repeat the past.
I have choices.
My self-worth doesn't depend on other people's approval.
Worrying will not solve anything.
I accept myself just as I am.
I accept others just as they are.
My life isn't perfect, but I'm grateful for all that I have.
I will treat myself with loving kindness.

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 A Loving Meditation
to help heal codependency
©2019 Sharon Martin, LCSW

I've spent most of my life taking care of and focused on other people.
As a result, I am burnt out and resentful.
Now I am getting to know myself.
Today I will listen to my thoughts and feelings.
I will consider what I want and need, not just what others want and need.
I will practice letting go of my desire to control and fix.
Instead, I will focus on myself.
When I get entangled in other people's problems, I will shift my focus
back to myself because that is all that I can control.
Today, I will make time for self-care.
I will do something that fills my body, mind, and spirit with goodness.
I am learning how to relax and have fun.
I am practicing staying present in this moment instead of worrying
about the future or ruminating about the past.
My life isn't perfect and neither am I.
If I find myself obsessing about other people or enabling them,
I will offer myself compassion.
Progress is my goal, not perfection.
I will continue to take small steps towards knowing and caring for myself.
And I will offer myself compassion along the way.

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 Reclaiming My
Self-Worth
BY SHARON MARTIN, LCSW

I don't have to earn my worth.

I don't have to do more, earn more, or be more. I am worthy just as I am right now.

Perfecting, practicing, and pretending to be who others want me to be isn't the path to self-
worth.

I am already worthy – regardless of what anyone else thinks.

Self-worth isn't something I have to earn. All I have to do is accept it. Own it. Live it.

I can slow down, relax, and enjoy who I am and what I have.

When I live as though I have to earn my worth, I'll never be enough. There will always be more I
can do.

When I live as though other people’s opinions matter more than my own, I’ll never be enough.
They can always criticize or reject me.

Chasing self-worth is an exhausting and miserable way to live.

I don’t have to rely on others to tell me I’m good enough.

Instead, I choose to reclaim my self-worth.

I choose to stop telling myself, "I'm not enough. " or "I'll be worthy when I ________________
(lose weight, get married, graduate from college, earn more money, etc.).

My self-worth doesn't depend on being liked or being perfect. I can choose to accept myself and
live knowing I'm just as worthy as everyone else. We're all different, of course, but there doesn't
have to be any judgment or comparison.

Today I will reclaim my self-worth by ________________________________.

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 Peace
is accepting today,
releasing yesterday,
and giving up the need
to control tomorrow.
--Lori Deschene

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 “Instead of mercilessly judging
and criticizing yourself for
various inadequacies or shortcomings,
self-compassion means you are
kind and understanding when
confronted with personal failings -
after all, who ever said you were
supposed to be perfect."
- Kristin Neff, Ph.D.

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 Today
I refuse to
stress myself out
over things
I cannot
control.

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 You can't hate yourself happy.
You can't criticize yourself thin.
You can't shame yourself worthy.
Real change begins with
self-love and self-care.
- Jessica Ortner

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 Forgive yourself
for not knowing better at the time.
Forgive yourself for giving away your power.
Forgive yourself for past behaviors.
Forgive yourself for the survival patterns and
traits you picked up while enduring trauma.
Forgive yourself for being who you needed to be.
- Audrey Kitching

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 “No one changes unless they want to.
Not if you beg them.
Not if you shame them.
Not if you use reason, emotion, or tough love.
There's only one thing that
makes someone change:
their own realization that they need to do it.
And there's only one time it will happen:
When they decide they're ready."
--Lori Deschene

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 Just breathe.
You are strong enough to
handle your challenges, wise enough
to find a solution to your problems,
and capable enough to do
whatever needs to be done.
--Lori Deschene

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