Summary Table based on McNeel (2010)

Despairing
Defiant Decision
Injunctive Decision (what Bitter (Self-destructive) Healing (Self protective)
(best attempt at
Message person fears to Response Response
health
be the truth)
Category: Survival
Don’t Exist I should go away I will stay here and Deep in my heart I hate my I know my life is precious
you won’t break me life (look what a mess it is) and I cherish it
or defeat me
Don’t Be No one ever pays I have to be strong I look tired and exhausted There is time for me in my
Well (don’t attention to me (but don’t allow others to life, and I do what is healthy
take care of take care of me) for me
yourself)
Don’t Trust I’m terrified and I only trust me Often I feel I am betrayed I have safe people and
defenceless places in my life
Don’t Be There is no help I’ll be supernormal Parents (parental figures) I feel love for me and
Sane in the world (for make (have made) me feel forgiveness for them
my feelings of crazy (parental figures)
craziness)
Don’t Be I’m worthless I’ll be great, bigger I feel I must respond to I know to whom I matter
Important than life everything (and with equal and what matters in my life
energy)
Category: Attachment
Don’t Be I’m abandoned I’ll find it (perfect In relationships I am Instead of trying to be
Close (and I’ll wait your love) out there watchful and try to leave invulnerable, I let people
return) (physically and/or love me
emotionally) before others
leave me
Don’t Feel I don’t exist (in I won’t be denied If I am honest with myself, I I am protective of the
Attached relation to (whatever/whomever know I withhold compassion people who have true
anyone) I seek) and understanding affection for me (especially
myself)
Don’t Belong I can’t show how I don’t care (about I feel as it no one likes me I surround myself with
much I care others) people I love very much
Don’t Be A There is no one (I I don’t need anyone I’m always the caretaker, I am so thankful for those
Child can depend on) not the one cared for on whom I can depend
Don’t Want I always try to I won’t want anything I give up easily (and adapt to I am clear: My yes is yet and
please (but I from my heart the desires of others) my no is no, and I am deeply
never can) loyal to myself and my
principles
Don’t Invest No love is I’ll keep my distance I don’t know of anyone for I would be bereft beyond
unconditional (from people) whom I would be willing to words if I were to lose
die certain people

Category: Identity

Don’t Be You Someone I’ll be perfect I fear being exposed as an I’m fascinated to be
important imposter discovering myself, warts,
doesn’t like me gifts and all
Don’t Be I’m not supposed I’ll be careful to be I feel I exist in the opinions I’m curious to know my own
Separate to have a persona just what you want of others and try my best to thoughts and values as
of my own (I’ll make you OK) create a pleasing image opposed to those of others

© 2013 Julie Hay www.pifcic.org 3

 Despairing
Defiant Decision
Injunctive Decision (what Bitter (Self-destructive) Healing (Self protective)
(best attempt at
Message person fears to Response Response
health
be the truth)
Despairing
Defiant Decision
Injunctive Decision (what Bitter (Self-destructive) Healing (Self protective)
(best attempt at
Message person fears to Response Response
health
be the truth)

Category: Identity - continued

Don’t Be I’m ashamed of I’ll hide in plain sight Other people don’t really I allow others to see my
Visible me (or my family) know me at all (only my private (vulnerable) self and
public self) know I am worthy of this
attention
Don’t (be Whatever I do I won’t move until it There are many things in life Characteristically, if
engaged in seems wrong (the world) feels safe I won’t do (but would like to something makes me
your own do) anxious (but is actually
life) safe), I do it
Category: Competence
Don’t Make I’m sorry (guilty) I’ll show you and I’ll (Secretly) I feel a failure It’s remarkable how much
It and I’m not good prove myself better about my life I’ve achieved
enough than everyone else
(arrogant)
Don’t Grow I don’t know what I have to fend for While growing up, no one There are many people I
Up to do myself in the world told me (or showed me) admire and from whom I
what to do continue to learn
Don’t Think I’m not very I can/must impose My way is (and has to be) Change is inevitable
smart and feel my beliefs on others the only right way, for I (including my view of life)
inferior (ignorant) (be dominant) possess the truth and ambiguity is my friend
Don’t Feel I always feel I must take care of If only I had been different I love the effort I put into
Successful blamed (fix) everyone (and or done differently, I my life
everything) wouldn’t feel so burdened
by regret
Category: Security
Don’t Enjoy I feel empty I’ll do more than I comfort myself with being When alone I enjoy my own
everyone (and busy and often in a hurry company (without chemical
become legend) toward the future assistance or hectic activity)
Don’t Be I (we) have I’ll have everything It is difficult for me to I am thankful for what is in
Thankful nothing reflect on what may be my my life, especially what I
blessings may have taken for granted
Don’t Feel No one cares I will defend myself I feel envious of those who I am well cared for
(what I feel) (by hiding my are well cared for
feelings)
Don’t Relax I’m overwhelmed I must be vigilant (to I strive to be constantly I know suffering is part of
(don’t feel and afraid keep bad things from proactive (to never fail, let life and so is being
safe) happening) down, or allow bad things to comforted
happen)
Don’t Share There is I’ll emphasize and/or I tend to feel either inferior I feel a common humanity
Your Life something wrong enact my vast or superior to others and with people
with (inferior superiority often superior
about) me
Don’t Touch There is no I’ll be bullet proof I feel proud of the I feel great empathy for my
protection in the harshness I endured during young self
world my childhood

© 2013 Julie Hay www.pifcic.org 4