OUR

July, PRICE

No.
72

SPECIAL

ANNI
VER-
SERY
ISSUE
^e.
 Wft6M»Nt

TO: A l b e r t B.
 NUMBER 72 J U LY 19 6 2 VITAL FEATURES

C-MEN IN ACTION 5
Saluting those brave men
-j. ,( who leave the White House
'• black-and-blue each day—
"7he trouble with trying to 'get away from it all' these days
from guarding our secret
is that most of it is portable!"—Alfred E. Neuman
weapon—Caroline Kennedy.
P U B L I S H E R : W i l l i a m M. G a i n e s E D I T O R : A l b e r t B. F e l d s t e i n
ART DIRECTOR: John Putnam PRODUCTION: Leonard Brenner
EDITORIAL ASSOCIATES: Jerry De Fuccio, Nick Meglin CELEBRITIES' WALLETS 12
LAWSUITS: Martin J. Scheiman PUBLICITY: Larry Gore, Richard Bernstein
MAD presents a new twist
SUBSCRIPTIONS: Gloria Orlando, Celia Morelli, Anthony Giordano
on an old theme—Chubby
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS A N D WRITERS:
Checker's wallet—showing
The Usual Gang of Idiots
what it is like to live
on the " f a d " of the land.
DEPARTMENTS

AD-LIB DEPARTMENT
Hotel Ad 11
SMOKING 14
DINERS' C U B DEPARTMENT
A M A D L o o k A t The Eating Habits Of Animals 38 21 great gag writers . . .
wrote 20 wonderful jokes!
D O N MARTIN DEPARTMENT • The guy who couldn't come
" A Fisherman A n d His W i f e " 9 up with one created this
" O n The E l e v a t o r " 37 article for MAD instead.
"The Salesman" 48

DOUBLE-TALK DEPARTMENT
A M A D G u i d e T o Party C o n v e r s a t i o n 24 A CHARITY ORGANIZATION MEETING. .20
II IV, u, ' J 5 M A D
!o°ks at the clever
EASY O N THE S O C K E T - B O O K DEPARTMENT
tricks used by charities
A M A D G u i d e To " D o - l t - Y o u r s e l f " T V Repairs 41
so you'll be touched by
F U N D E R S , KEEPERS D E P A R T M E N T their appeal, and so they
M A D Visits A Charity O r g a n i z a t i o n M e e t i n g 20 can put the touch on you!

H O L L Y W O O D DEPARTMENT
" F e a t O f S t r e n g t h " - A Scene W e ' d Like T o S e e 40
COMICS AS OLD AS THEIR S T R I P S . .26
INVISIBLE SHIELDS DEPARTMENT
C - M e n In A c t i o n 5 MAD shows how it'd be if
a few comic strip heroes
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPARTMENT were forced to act their
Spy Vs. Spy 23, 32 age-mainly they'd be us-
ing the editorial wheeze.
LETTERS D E P A R T M E N T
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2

MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT

L i t t l e - K n o w n M o t t o s For L i t t l e - K n o w n Organizations ** OLD TIME-FUTURE PRISON MOVIES . 3 3
M O M IS F O R - G I V I N G D E P A R T M E N T Future prison movies will
M A D M o t h e r ' s Day Gifts 30 reflect changes in penal
methods. Now, "He's doing
PUT T H E M A L L T O G E T H E R , T H E Y S P E L L - D E P A R T M E N T a stretch!" means "He's
M o t h e r ' s Day C a r d s For Substitute Mothers 18 — I signed for Ballet Class!"

SLIPPING DISCS DEPARTMENT

C e l e b r i t i e s ' W a l l e t s (Chubby Checker's) 12
EATING HABITS OF ANIMALS 38
THE YELLOWED KIDS DEPARTMENT
If C o m i c C h a r a c t e r s W e r e A s O l d As The Strips 26 il-^'x^l^VN, Next time they tell you
^>f/); that you eat like a pig,
W E ' L L SEE Y O U I N H A L E D E P A R T M E N T show 'em this article in
The Lighter Side of S m o k i n g 14 /J£ which pigs complain their
piglets eat like humans.
WRY OFF THE ROCKS DEPARTMENT
O l d Time Vs. Future Prison Movies 33
" " V a r i o u s Places A r o u n d The Magazine
A MAD GUIDE TO TV REPAIRS 41
MAD - July. .1962 Vol. 1, Number 72. is published monthly except February. May. With this manual, you can
August and November, by E . C . Publications. Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York 22.
New York. Second Class Postage paid at New York, N . Y. Subscriptions. 9 issues for $2.00 improve TV reception—by
in the U.S. Elsewhere, §2.50. Allow 6 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire
contents copyright 1962 by E . C . Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors will not be blowing the set to pieces.
responsible for unsolicited manuscripts and request all manuscripts be accompanied by a
^TJp" faP^TT And the way TV is today—

i
stamped, self-addressed return envelope. T h e names of characters used in all MAD fiction and
semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity without satiric purpose to a living person is a V^g^y^ftfch. that'd be an improvement!
coincidence. Printed in U.S.A.
 "GO JEST, LETTERS DEPT.

YOUNG MAN!" ALFRED O N TV

Recently, your boy, Alfred E. Neuman,
JOIN... made a "guest appearance" on the "Bull-
winkle Show." Now I know what Newton
Minow meant by TV being a "vast waste-
land"!
Dave Felcher
Bronx, N.Y.

B O M B LETTER
SOMETHING IS ROTTEN I N D E N M A R K
I have watched it for years now, and 1
just can't figure why the bomb in your I just want to tell you that here in Den-
mailbox doesn't go off. mark, we are great MAD fans, too. I
Glenn Harder think MAD is the funniest magazine in
Glen Ellyn, 111. the world.
Aage Mikael Christensen
Because it's a dud—like some letters we get! Odense, Denmark
F'rinstance this one!—Ed.

KEEPING A GREAT TRADITION

As a satisfied MAD reader since 1956,
I wish to compliment you. Too many
THE MOVEMENT GUARANTEED TO TURN
people fail to realize the concept of free-
dom that underlies MAD. When your
YOUR MIND INTO A WILDERNESS! articles deal with politics or other subjects,
This latest paperback collection of articles they are both humorous and thought-pro-
f r o m past issues has inspired such slogans as: voking. The right of free speech, the free-
dom to criticize is essential to a Democ-
"ASK NOT WHAT MAD CAN DO FOR AMERICA racy. MAD is in keeping with this tradi-
-ASK WHAT AMERICA CAN DO ABOUT MAD!" tion.
ON SALE N O W S. I. Layme
Washington, D. C.
Or yours by Mail for 400!
- - - — (use coupon or duplicate) — - - - -
MORE EFFICIENT S N O W REMOVAL
MAD POCKET DEPARTMENT In issue # 7 0 , in the article entitled
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N.Y. "More Efficient Snow Removal," you had
PLEASE SEND ME: Q THE MAD FRONTIER all the dump trucks standing side-by-side
facing us. In the next picture, you had all A a g e a n d other fans in Denmark may be
Also please send me: I enclose: the trucks filled with snow and going back g l a d to know that M A D is now published in
in the opposite direction. How in heck Danish—joining our Swedish a n d British edi-
• The MAD Reader • 400 for 1 can all those trucks placed so close to- tions. MAD's Denmark edition is called
• MAD Strikes Back D 750 for 2 gether possibly turn around and go back " G A S " — w h a t e v e r in heck that means in
the other way? Danish!—Ed.
• Inside MAD • $1.05 for 3
• Utterly MAD • $1.40 for 4 Kenneth Hall
Detroit, Mich. MAD IN JAPAN
• The Brothers MAD • $1.75 for 5 When 1 found out that I was moving
• The Bedside MAD • $2.10 for 6 The problem will be solved in a follow-up to Japan, I was OVERJOYED! Mainly
• Son Of MAD • $2.45 for 7 article entitled " M o r e Efficient Dump-Truck because that meant I'd take a nice long
D The Organization MAD • $2.80 for 8 Removal"—next winter.—Ed. vacation from your trash. But what hap-
pens? They're all reading it here, too! Do
• Like MAD • $3.15 for 9 you have to corrupt the Japanese minds
• The Ides Of MAD • $3.50 for 10 Great solution, but where do you dump too?
• Fighting MAD • $3.85 for 11 the snow? And don't give me a wisecrack Mary Richter
answer! Yokohama, Japan
and if you're really loaded • $4.20 for 12 Richard Hursh
• DON MARTIN Steps Out • $.50 Chelmsford, Mass. W e didn't know we h a d a Japanese edition!
Are y o u sure it isn't just a cheap imitation?
NAME. Then don't ask a wisecrack question!—Ed. -Ed.

ADDRESS.
CITY
WE'RE LOOKING FOR NEW HEAD-QUARTERS!
ZONE. That's right! Four quarters will get you a
STATE. BISQUE CHINA HEAD OF
On orders outside U.S.A. add 10% extra. I enclose ALFRED E. NEUMAN
$ for: Eight quarters will get you a bigger head!
ABSOLUTELY F R E E ! r—i 5V2" Bust(s) MAD BUST
L- 1 @ $2.00 ea. 8 5 0 T h i r d A v e n u e , New Y o r k 2 2 , N . Y.
Yep, with every order for a full-color
portrait of Alfred E. Neuman, MAD's NAME „
[—| 33A" Bust(s)
"What-Me Worry?" kid, we will send •—' @ $1.00 ea.
our sincere THANKS-absolutely free! ADDRESS.
Don't laugh! Next month we'll be
charging for that, too! Mail 25<f per Check size(s) CITY -ZONE.
order to: MAD, Dept. "What-Coior?" and enclose
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N.Y. proper amount STATE.
(NO ORDERS SHIPPED OUTSIDE THE U.S.A.)
 MARGINAL THINKING
I can't figure out why you insist on in-
cluding your "Marginal Thinking Dept."
in every issue. You never do any thinking,
MAD SAMPLER
You guys are really sticklers for detail!
Let me congratulate you for actually go-
OnGuuriyi
ing out and having some lady make you a
anyway. So why put it in at all? real sampler. Any other so-called humor
Cliff Seelinger magazine would have killed such a fine
Van Nuys, Calif. brainstorm by trying to simulate a sampler
with flat art work. Keep up the pains-
W e can't think of a n answer!—Ed. taking authenticity and the great satire.
Lawrence Siebl
Bayonne, New Jersey
ARTHUR
Thanks, Larry, but let's clear u p one point!
I think your little odd plant named That was no lady—that was my Mother-ln-
"Arthur" might become more famous Law!-Ed.
than Alfred E. Neuman. How did you get
on this "Arthur" kick, anyway?
Ronald Smith N O SPOT COMMERCIALS
Detroit, Mich. How can you possibly sell your maga-
zine to teenagers? It does not include the
Is "Arthur" a symbol of civilization? minimum of nine "clear up pimples and
Mainly that it's gone to pot? acne" advertisements per issue!
Leon Zeldis Janet Elfenbein
Santiago, Chile Freehold, N . J .

"Arthur" is a bloomin' idiot!

Gilbert Bolitho FIERY ACCLAIM
Pottsville, Pa. Your latest issue was, by far, the bright-
est! I want you to know that more than .4 m
There are nine of us here who want one voice rose in acclaim—as the last of
"in" on the "Arthur" bit. Oops! Too bad! You were "foiled again"!
its ashes flickered and died.
Chris M. Campbell Mainly, we got you to read this pitch to
Steve Yelen
Lake Worth, Fla. Meadville, Pa.
SUBSCRIBE TO
MATERNAL SNOW JOB
I think that MAD Magazine is real
cool! Apparently, so does my mother! She
buried my latest issue in a snowdrift be-
hind the house!
AD
Stan Shainbrown
Brooklyn, N . Y . • - - — (use coupon or duplicate)
MAD SUBSCRIPTIONS
MAD CHECKLIST
850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y.
Once a g a i n , w e ' d like to plug "THE C O M -
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dexing of all past issues of M A D M a g a z i n e , at my money. But let's not " p a r r y " over two
including contents of each issue, cross-in- bucks. I've " t h r u s t " it in an envelope along
d e x e d by titles, artists, writers, a n d other
with this coupon. Please add my name to your
furshlugginer information. This big f a t 100
subscription list and send the next 9 issues
pages of idiocy is published by a devoted
O k a y , we'll let you in on the " A r t h u r " bit. of MAD. I guess I'm just a soft "touche"!
M A D fan a n d can be yours for $1.50 per
" A r t h u r " is a real plant! It graces the win-
copy f r o m : Fred von Bernewitz, Dept. M-2, Outside U.S.A.: $2.50
dow sill of MAD's Production Dept. It was
12006 Remington Drive, Silver Spring, Mary-
grown from an avocado seed by our kookie NAME
l a n d . Congratulations on a fantastic job,
A r t Director, John Putnam (above). Hey,
Fred! Too b a d you c a n ' t sell any!—Ed. ADDRESS.
g a n g ! How a b o u t starting a "Let's G r o w A n
A r t h u r " movement! All you have to d o is
remove a n d dry an avocado seed, suspend
CITY -ZONE.
Please address all correspondence t o :
it half-way in a glass of water till it sprouts M A D , Dept. 72, 850 Third Avenue STATE.
roots a n d a leaf-shoot, then pot it!—Ed. New York 22, New York Allow 8 weeks for subscription to be processed

"A GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD" MAD ANTHOLOGY

IS DESTINED TO BE A CLASSIC!! 850 Third Avenue, New York 22, N. Y.
A CLASSIC EXAMPLE OF OVER-PRODUCTION!! I enclose $2.95. Please rush
(Mainly, we got more copies now than we printed!) THE GOLDEN TRASHERY OF MAD
So if you'd like to own a copy of this
hard-cover, de luxe anthology of MAD—
136 pages of humor, parody and satire NAME.
(many in vivid color)—rush the coupon
with your money today, before it be- ADDRESS.
comes a "Collector's Item," . . . mean- CITY .ZONE.
ing our Garbage Collector is waiting to
take away the whole fershlugginer load! STATE.
THURS MAD goes on sale. Maris has 13 home runs, ^225P£T~->. Birthday of Ezra Flimm, who occupied highest U.S.
10 is 27 games ahead of Ruth's record pace. Qp=5"^2» 11 Govt, post, namely cleaner of Washington Monument.

Hooray, hooray for the 12th of May! Mother's Day; give Mom the greatest /&%£„,
12 Chicken-Fat canning begins today! 13 gift of all today—your absence! LfflSaM1**

"A drowning man washed up on TUES Mickey Bitsko withdraws from 6 Day Bike Race when
14 the beach is fit to be tide!'" 15 his mother objects to the people he's going around with

Chubby Checker accidentally speeds up home movies Jimmy Hoffa launches drive to
16 of Hawaiian Hula Dancers, invents the "Twist", 1957. 17 organize Go-Cart drivers, 1961.

Mrs. Emma Verbly divorces husband, a Mink "A crazy Frenchman who keeps jumping in
18 Breeder; says she got a bum wrap, 1949. 19 the river is often judged 'in Seine'!"

Castro grows beard so he can't be Johann Sebastian Bach decides

20 called a "bare-faced liar", 1956. 21 to go for Baroque, 1717.

Avoid today if Hulbert Mcintosh first man to cross country on a . ,•

J^u
22 you possibly can! 23 shoestring. Says it beats the train, 1921. J&SS

Mars enters Aries, Venus enters Capricorn, and ] "A Marine sergeant who deserts
24 Sam Klotz enters Mayo Clinic for observation, 1 9 5 1 * 25 his men is rotten to the Corps!"
SAT Alfred E. Neuman devises his Law of Relativity. "iNKjVf+ Alfred E. Neuman divulges his Law of Relativity. &$%$&}•
26 World demands that he divulge it, 1958. NEPEW 27 World demands that he explain it, 1958. IICIPRES.

Alfred E. Neuman explains his Law of Relativity. JHpjf!* French swordsman, Pierre LeDrec,
28 World demands that he forget it, 1958. MEYHIM 29 saved by duel filter, 1823.

Memorial Day; celebrated by parades, speeches, (^jur "A man who jumps from the 10th floor
30 and a record number of traffic fatalities. 31 should wear a light Fall Suit!"

W R I T E R : F R A N K JACOBS

2,322,000 brides will go to the altar this month.

JUNE 1,567,894 of these will find the groom backed out.

Lion-Tamer, Wembley Burnside, quits job after # 0 % "An egotistical man often
discovering hidden claws in his contract, 1937. WE&f ends up with 'l-strain'!"

85,000 Mississippi Boll Weevils apply to Dickens finishes "David Copperfield"; returns £
Dept. of Agriculture for parity, 1954. it to London library 3 days overdue, 1851.

MAD Magazine is refused the "Good Anarchist plots bombing of Mt. Rushmore.
Housekeeping Seal of Approval", 1956. Attempt nearly shatters all precedence, 1955.

"Students in the U.S.S.R. are Balloon-Maker, Malcom Fernfeather,

8 judged solely by their Marx!" cheers nationwide inflation, 1949.

Napoleon's undertaker gets Christmas Season begins in S0x&*>~

10 check for short bier, 1821. 11 most Department Stores. * /v^3

Marshal Plan fails in Dodge City Donald Duck named "Field and Stream"
12 when the only volunteer is shot, 1876. 13 Man of the Year, 1951.

Torquemada arrested for supplying answers to After 20 years as brakeman on Rock Island Line, Harry
14 contestants in Spanish Inquisition, 1485.

Khrushchev vetoes plan to send Bulgaria into

AAA 15 Gribbish severs ties; causing 5-car derailment, 1928.

Father's Day; give Dad the greatest / JMj^P t

16 orbit, since it's already a satellite, 1959. 17 gift of all today—Mom's absence! pfiSo | ^ ^ j * ^ J

30,000 workers, protesting automation, strike against Alabama tycoon Beauregard Muldoon trains
18 Richard M. Ogg, inventor of the wheel, 41,276 B.C. 19 pet possum to whistle "Dixie", 1933.

Housewife Brenda Gutman presses suit against First day of Summer in the U.S., first day of Winter^
20 husband, burning him badly with iron, 1953. 21 in Australia, first day of Nothing on the Equator, t

Longest day of the year, except in Alcatraz in wtwfiwi^sf? At 4:17 today, Luther Ferquahr wil
22 where nobody could care less. JJj J jjj] j^w ^jfe, 23 turn his wife into a toad.

Great radio telescope at Jodrell Bank, England MAD goes off sale. Maris has 13 home runs,-
24 bounces signal off Yul Brynner, 1960. 25 is 18 games behind Ruth's record pace. Qp=^
 I9AOQ ujsqtnos |0 3ossv-,,3uJ!i 3H1 * 0 IIV 3|doaj a m JO IIV l°oips *,UDD no
A„..

INVISIBLE SHIELDS DEPT.

Government agencies such as the F.B.I.,
the Treasury Department and the C.I.A.
have been glorified in books, movies,
magazines, and on television as well
as other disgusting media. But, alas,
one government agency has received
little if any acclaim. We therefore
suggest that TV producers might do
well to turn the spotlight on that
agency about which there has never
been a trite show, that branch of the
Secret Service whose gallant members
risk their lives daily guarding the
President's daughter, Caroline. A TV
show featuring those dauntless, death-
defying men might go like this . . .

The time: 8:43. The

agents: Agent Milton
w-** . . . Agent C.C.
Foster, graduate
Brown, a Yale grad Chief, must of Princeton, who
on loan from the I wear this was machine-
F.B.I., who had stupid Clown gunned by the
rounded up 27 Suit again Black Hand
members of the today? and lived . . .
notorious Murder,
Inc. gang single-
handed . . .

. . . 'Cause like I say I It might've I'll need I'll trade The time: 8:55. Caroline My"Howdy
just overheard some mean > been Lyndon some bullets you three had been threatened! I Doody"
widdle kids in the cwandy Johnson kidding for my service Mickey dispatched the 3 agents shorts
store and so, and so, and around, but we revolver, Chief, Mantles to the White House to are too
so they were saying as how can't take any and a string for a watch over her. In view tight!
they wuz gonna get even chances! Get for my Yo!Yo! Roger of the urgency of the
with Caro, Caro, Caroline, going . . . ! Maris!! situation, I instructed
and, and, 'cause she them not to walk but
didn't invite them to her instead to skip
birthday party, and so, all the way!!
and so, this afternoon,
and 'cause I gotta hang
up now, so long!
 LJ
...and when I've just got to get And some We don't We HAVE to Gee whiz! Work! Work!
Caroline in theyah to tousel reporters are care WHO ride this way, Here it is Work! I can't
finishes my hair! Besides — coming to inter- you are! Caroline! Be- 9:30 in tbe even find
brushing her you don't seem to view me! They're We aren't cause there may morning and time to finish
teeth, then understand! I'm her from "POPULAR taking be a great big nobody's Chapter 3 of
you two faather! You k n o w - MECHANICS," any ugly splinter in taken my my White
can brush Peter Lawford's the only magazine chances! this bannister, picture yet! House
yours! Okay? brother-in-law, that hasn't done and we wouldn't memoirs!
Jackie's husband, my life story yet! want YOU to get
and—what else? stuck with it!
Oh, yes—President
of the U.S.!
 Something
SB. . . So I told Pater if we The time: 12 Noon. As yet, the
tells me I lower tariffs for the Soviet mysterious phone caller had not
made a Union, we are only been apprehended. I detailed
wrong turn endangering the entire my men to stick to their job!
somewhere! South African Alliance! We couldn't take any chances!
And mainly, I sure didn't want
them hanging around this office
in those ridiculous clothes!!
It was time for Caroline's
| bath . . . and my men were right
there . . . with her. . .

Up till last Here I Hey, Where's You heard So divorce The time: 4:59 P.M. As yet, the
year, Daddy come — You know Caroline? me the me, Helen! \ p e c i a l agents assigned to the
would only ready anything She was first time, I can't help case had not uncovered Caroline's
let me sail or not!! about an right here Alice! I'll it! Going to enemies. I instructed them in
model PT Putt-putt- anonymous a minute be late a movie doesn't accordance with the Secret Service
boats in putt-putt- threatening ago? for dinner pay our bills! motto, to stay on the job and
here! putt-putt — telephone - tonight! I "Leap Frog" attend the Birthday Party, where
have to play does! Good-bye!! I was sure they would find the
another game guilty conspirators. Yes, we at
of "Jacks!" the Secret Service work 'round
the clock to get a job done! As
for me, however, I went home!
Because I'm a 9-to-5'er . . . and
I'll be darned if I'm gonna give
the government one extra second
on this lousy salary they pay me
. . . alary they pay me . . . alary
they pay me . . . alary they pay —

3fcJ®*r \C^*, ^AW.W^i

THE BRAT PACK!! Simple, Clyde! Yeah, Pops! We I I Cool it, Manfred! Son-of-a-son-of-a-gun! Good show! I daresay this
So you're the ones who She was gettin' figure if the ' Let's splitarooney may come as a bit of a
wrecked Caroline's too big for her Rat Pack was good h before they dig the sticky wicket, but just
playground equipment, rubber pants!! enough for her last gig we pulled. chalk it up to one of my
and are now trying to Ring-a-ding-ding! Daddy-O, the Brat What say, Joey Jr.? peccadillos! I'm sorry,
wreck her party! Why?? Pack was good old chaps, but it was
enough for her! I and Shirley MacLaine Jr.
Right, Sammy who turned you in to the
Davis, Jr. Jr.? gendarmes! We are, as you
might say, brat finks!
You men have done a
good job! I'm proud
of our Secret Service
boys. Caroline, it's
time for bed. You can
either go to sleep,
or stay up to watch
my State of the Union
Address on TV!
D O N MARTIN DEPT. PART I
Mr. Don Martin, MAD'S maddest
artist, does many things for a
living besides drawing cartoons.
F'rinstance, he writes songs! His
latest tune, vvBass, You Is My
Woman Now", was inspired by
the following incident, which oc-
curred while Don was observing

A
FISHERMAN
AND
m&
WIFE

" " A n o t h e r Day, Another Dullard"-Society of College Registrars

AD-LIBS DEPT.
Here we go again with the new feature in which we graphically illustrate our personal reactions to
magazine advertisements by slight "MAD" editorial additions to the originals. Like f rinstance this

HOTEL AD

Friend of the Family

You'll enjoy the friendliness and courtesy of
Hilton Service. There's welcome in the way the marvelous meals . . . housekeepers, telephone
doormen serve you and room clerks greet you. operators, maintenance men, purchasing agents
The bellmen, captains, waiters and maids strive and scores of other people. Room service, ban-
to please. Behind the scenes are chefs preparing quet managers, valets, interpreters and even
babysitters—they're here when you need them.
Whereveryougo.use <%w^fe ^o/ccnc/ie Whether it's in Texas, California, Spain, Egypt—
The All-Purpose Credit Card. For applica- at any of the 46 Hilton Hotels and Inns around
tion write Hilton Credit Corporation, 8544
Sunset Boulevard, Los Angeles 46, Calif. the world, the service is always the same . . .
friendly and courteous, personal yet unobtrusive. CONRAD N. HILTON, PRESIDENT
EXECUTIVE OFFICE • THE CONRAO HILTON
CHICAGO B. ILLINOIS
 SLIPPING DISCS PEPT.

Here we go again with our fictionalized version of things

we'd probably find if we were to examine the contents of

DENTIFICATION
NAME:

ADDRESS:3 j ( ^ bfigp wovWfeomplflcefeplace

S
OCCUPATION: 3justfeflgpwoviVfaiplttflefeplfl
IN CASE OF EMERGENCY, NOTIFY:

tiedChimntih Mmbtovt
ncSiedidistM&far

SVSNVV1

The National Cultural Information Bureau

W A S H I N G T O N , D. C.
Dear Mr. Checker:-

In answer to your recent inquiry, we are

able to supply the following statistics:
The "Davy Crockett Craze" reached its peak
in the Spring of 1955, and lasted for about 6
months. We have no information as to the
current activities of Mr. Fess Parker, who was
the leading figure in that craze.
The "Hula Hoop Fad" reached its peak in
ME-AT A meMSWEDOINGmSHOM! the Summer of 1958 and lasted a short time. We
have no way of determining whether any of the.
leading manufacturers of Hula Hoops are still
in business.
It seems that every four years or so, some
silly craze takes the nation by storm, and
then suddenly fades. We also note that the top
leaders of these crazes always seem to sink
into oblivion afterwards.
*• Why do you ask?
Sincerely,

w Dobbins Crater, Research Director -

LMm P.S. In answer to your other inquiry, we have

no idea what the Unemployment Compensation
rates will be in 1963. This is not our field.
We suggest you contact your local Unemploymer
Office when the time comes, p f *"
WE-ATMDWTCLASSIRCATION!

R Th^atiloasuujuta.

u-

12 M'ATTUePEPPSRM/Nn
PBMHBBWBBBB^BB
 1
liiillillS !H!!ltS A R T I S T : JACK RICKARD WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN

The Glick Surgical Supply Corp.

GLICKSVILLE, MAINE

"The World's Largest Supplier of Braces, Corsets, Supports, and

THE U.S. STATE DEPARTMENT
W A S H I N G T O N 25, D.C.
Corrective Equipment for the Chiropractic Profession"

Dear Mr. Checker:-

Enclosed is our Annual Report to Stockholders Dear Mr. Checker:-
and Financial Statement for the Fiscal Year: May,
1961 to April, 1962. Thank you for your suggestion and generous
Since you have been acquiring stock in our cor- offer. We are, of course, always interested
poration over the past 10 months, and are now our in improving relations with the Soviet
largest single stockholder (40% of all outstanding Union through the Cultural Exchange Program.
shares), we are writing this special letter to you.
As you will note, profits have soared to an all- However, we do not feel that it would be a
•'time high. For some unexplained reason, sales have fair "cultural exchange" to have the USSR
send the Bolshoi Ballet here, and we send
reached unbelievable proportions. There is more
you and "The Peppermint Lounge Twisters"
demand for our equipment now than for the last five there to perform for Premier Khrushchev.
years put together. ,_^_
It is uncanny the way you were able to forsee Especially considering Mr. Khrushchev's
this increase, and purchased stock accordingly. reaction to the "Can-Can" dancers.
Enclosed also is a dividend check for Si2,000.
Thank you for your confidence. We hope that we will
continue to have your support, and that you will
yj/fe^wt^^Mt^vc^
never need one of our supports.
Merney T. Hinch
Ass't. Director
Sincerely, Cultural Exchange Program

u
M.C. Click
President i
T H E LA,W F I R M O F

KASAVUBUBU
„ , „ , . , . . .-«•;'"•"-
MOIJtTTUTU
NAIROBI, A F K I C A
Dear Mr. Checker: -

Please b e advised that, on behalf of our clients,

the East African Mau-Mau Tribe of Equatorial Africa
we a r e instituting a Jaw suit against you.

You are currently doing a dance called the

"Twist". This is an out-and-out act of plagiarism!
THEIR ANNULMENT
My clients claim that, for centuries, they h a v e
; O e ^ E ^ ^ - been doing the exact same dance steps in their
H o r s D S : ; b b y C h e c k e r \ Fertility Rites!
Party Favors
This is your last warning. Please discontinue
using this dance or we may b e forced to take steps
i against you , . . mainly the steps of our Voodoo
~~l \ Black Magic Ritual dance.

OZ&^S&e Soe&z/0,0^gfi$gl
Sincerely,

3£e*mu*^ ttas^^^
Herman Kasavububu
aenjor Partner

C%^^^%^z^
 WE'LL SEE Y O U INHALE PEPT.

DID YOU EVER STOP TO THINK

WHAT A RIDICULOUS HABIT
"SMOKING" IS? THE TOBACCO
THE
COMPANIES AND MADISON AVE.
MAKE A FORTUNE WHILE YOU
LIGHTER

SMC
MAKE AN ASH OF YOURSELF!
GIVING UP SMOKING IS EASY!
MARK TWAIN DID IT A THOUSAND
TIMES! MAYBE, AFTER YOU READ
THIS ARTICLE, YOU'LL GIVE UP
ANOTHER RIDICULOUS HABIT . . .
READING MAD! ANYWAY, HERE IS

Er. . . Ah . . . Not yet! She

Good evening! asked me to
Is Shirley entertain you
ready yet? till she comes
down. Come in!

"Great Aches From little Corns Grow"-Nationol Association of Chiropodists

One s i d e f u Allow
Chum! J~l me!

Okay, Sidney, boy! Here's Now, make a big thing Now, with a graceful I beg your pardon, but
your chance to act suave out of tapping the flourish, take out the don't you think it'd
cigarette on the case gold cigarette lighter, be wiser if you lit
and debonair. First, take ike a cultured gentle-
out the silver cigarette case flick it smartly, and the tobacco end
man! Never mind why bring the flame to the-
with a slow, smooth action . they do it, just do it! instead of the filter?
IKING
I see you
W R I T E R * . A R T I S T : D A V I D BERG

Tobacco?!? I'm ready . . .

smoke a pipe! Er . . . Ah . . . Gee! What's
Can I give you Th-thanks! the matter
some tobacco? with him??

I just love a MUST YOU SMOKE THAT DIRTY

man who smokes OLD PIPE IN THE HOUSE AND
a pipe! He looks SMELL UP THE PLACE?!
so manly! And
the aroma is so
delicious!

oossy sjauMopuoi s D x a i - „ | | 3 / ^ pug joiu S | | 9 M \IQX

No, thank you!

I've given up
smoking!!
 Hey, Buddy! Can
I have a light
off your

I'll have Er... Crush-Proof Er. . . Uh . . . Filter- Er. . . le'me Forget it! I'l
a pack of King Size King Size, Box . . . or Crush-Proof Tipped see. Filter- have a pack of
"Sparkies", or I guess! Soft Pack? Box, I guess! Tipped, I gum, instead!!
please! Regular? suppose . .-.

sapus6y lowoiuuioyy I J O Z Q (O D0ssv-„3|nw V SV poo© *V 'SJW V « . ,

Look at this beautiful

YOU SLOB!! ARE YOU
new ash tray I bought!
OUT OF YOUR MIND . . .
Isn't it lovely? It
DIRTYING UP MY BRAND
cost a fortune, but it
was worth it! NEW ASH TRAY!?!!
 Oh, that's all Thanks, Seymour! You're
Hey, Seymour! Oh! It's your last one!
right! I've got a pal! I hate to take
You got a Sure thing! I don't like to take a
a full pack here a guy's last cigarette!
cigarette? guy's last cigarette!
in my pocket!

Gad! Look at the miserable weather! Good Lord!

It's bitter cold, the snow has piled up There isn't
into drifts, and now the sleet is a cigarette
icing up the roads. Boy, nothing in the house!!
could make me go outdoors today!!

r—
: — _. -
— ~—f*

^M ^7

I see you're using a

. —^ I swear! The next guy . . . and as your doctor,
cigarette holder, Sam! Hey, Sam! What's the Sam, I'm ordering you—
who pulls that corny
S'matter? Your Doctor cigarette holder for? Keep away from cigarettes!:
old gag on me, I'll—
tell you to stay away Did your doctor tell
from cigarettes? Heh! you to keep away from
cigarettes? Haw-HawH

sj04DJ8do S|sA|Ojpa|g jo pooqjs|S!S-„MOJJOiuoi BUOQ 'ADpoi JIDH,

Ahhh! There's nothing

like a good cigar after
a delicious meal!

sw
y0%
 PUT THEM ALL TOGETHER, THEY SPELL-PEPT.
Since the custom these days seems to be for Mothers
to spend less and less time with their children—if
possible—it seems to us that they don't quite deserve
all those Mother's Day Honors. Some recognition should
really go to the people who help train and educate the
MOTH
child, and who just plain keep the little monster out
of Mommy's hair. Therefore, we at MAD suggest these

Happy Mother's Day

To An Ex-Teacher
Who taught me all my ABC's,
And P's and Q's, too, if you please?
You did!

Who stopped the tantrums that I threw

And taught me how to tie a shoe?
You did!

Who taught me all about Fair Play,

And what kids should and shouldn't say
You did!

Who sewed the buttons on my clothes,

And taught me not to pick my nose?
You did!

Who got fed up with parent's work,

Slaving daily like a Turk,
With less pay than a soda jerk,
And quit to find some other work?
YOU DID!
EFTS D / \ Y C A R D S
A R T I S T : GEORGE W O O D B R I D G E WRITER: PHiL f+AHN

To My Camp Counselor
On Mother's Day
Qreetings to my Summer TAom!
7 !ot?e you as a daughter-.
you made my backhand murderous,
And cured my fear of water.

you stole my love without a fight,

No burglaries or stickups.
Cause my real mom can't swim a stroke,
And tennis gives her hiccups!

J really miss you, Summer 'Mom!

I'm sad, and here's the reason:
;»? Until we meet at camp, Tm just
An orphan out of season!

1 •'>-*, - __Jl_?
A Mother's Day Tribute
To An inanimate Mother To
My
My mummy is a picture tube;
I watch her 'til I'm dizzy! Housemother
She's better than my real one is,
'Cause that one's always busy! On
She cheers me up when I feel sad; Mother's
She's there when I am lonely!
I get a lecture with each ad: Day
Like real ones, they're baloney!
The first day I arrived at school
I was a lucky girlie;
I found someone to care for me
And see I got in early.
I found someone to screen my dates
And keep me safe from "fast" ones;
To stay my hand from girlish crimes,
And keep a list of past ones.
Yes, you, my "Mother" in the dorm
Prevented me from falling
Into those sins of college life
That you find so appalling!

And so I want you, dear, to know,

As efforts you re-double,
You've been just like a "Mom" to me
And that's the # $ % & ! ! # % ! trouble!
1
',".' " . ' "' • " " .l.!"IJ.ff-"-1 ' " - -
 •UNDERS, KEEPERS-DEPT.
., IK 7
ritaDie oif^am^Sii^ike_ The Ma e&3k&d=The Heart Fund
generally do ja fine jot) in helping t o finci cures for diseases. However, lately
jihere's been a deluge of new organizations peeking public support for the con-

v A R T I S T : JOE ORLANDO
lt's better To Have Gloved And Lost Than Never To Have Gloved At All"-Frater lal Order of Punchdrunk Pugilists

FBI

THE NATIONAL CHARLEY HORSE FOUNDATION

Uts Rub Out The Charley Horse Menace ; ;,- L

Dear Sir:-
The National Charley Horse
Foundation is trying to ruo
out the Charley Horse,
^ d o n a t i o n s you car. to
ma ke to our cause will be
deeply a p p r e c i a t e d ^ ^

Sincerely,

Norbitt F i n s t e r , Here is a copy of our new letter. It has 26 pages, was

N a t i o n a l Chairman written by a former TV soap opera writer, and has 26 sobs
guaranteed per page. Also, we're including in each letter
Here is a copy of the letter you've been sending out to people a 1962 penny, a license plate key chain tag, and a wallet-
in an effort to collect money. Any fool can tell you that you size photo of a famous American Charley Horse victim.
After receiving a package like this, who would dare turn
are never going to collect money with a simple, brief, sincere
letter. You're violating the principal creed of a charitable us down? And remember, if we don't send out heavy letters W&
organization. Namely, you're not making the public obligated t o and don't abuse our non-profit mailing privileges, the
donate. You're not embarrassing them into contributing! Post Office may not believe we're a charity organization!

IT ill
que|st of obscure diseases. Today, charities are big- business. And in order to
operate on a Jarge ; scale, they have to function like any other big business.
Whicli^jieaTpr^ma^-sometimes they get a little ridiculous. So, join us now a s . . .

W R I T E R : LARRY SIEGEL aj
J8uo|SS!wwc>3 6ujsu33!i qo3|xox )0 30SSV-„H|9DH / 3 M l 3JO)3g sjaipaiQ Jnox (uno^ * , U O Q „ . ,

^m
Now, here is a slide showing one of your typical street These are the boys who will handle our street campaigns from
campaigners in action. You'll have to admit that she's quite now on: 1500 former veterans' charity drive campaigners.
pathetic. She couldn't even collect enough money in one day They're going to sell Charley Horse lapel pins the same way
to pay for her taxi fare to that corner she's standing on! they sold poppies. You know . . . by the scruff of the neck!
 W&H^&tiffiiM

Last year's Charley Horse Telethon was one of the few really Turning to movie theater collections—it's obvious that the
successful things we did. As you know, the TV audience phoned methods we've been using in the past are fruitless. Notice
in pledges totaling $653,872.19, and as you know, we've I how quickly the people in the audience pass that cardboard I
already collected $226.45 in actual cash from these pledges, | box, shaking it to make it sound like they're dropping some-1
making this the best average in TV Telethon history. Well,. thing in. And look at that guy sneaking out that side exit
this year, I want to see us go over $1,000,000 in pledges, door. Well, all this is going to stop!
because frankly we can use the $400 or so that will come in!

;V5
National
Charley Horse
Week
#m>^ "

Here you see a shot of a theater where we've been doing some
experimental collecting this past week. We're going to use
anMRfflft-
GIVE m i n DO*
ii.
this same method all over the country: Shine a spotlight on Another thing—this sign is going to be a reality in 196
each person, have him rise and give his name and address, and Our lobbyists are going to put extra pressure on Washington.
tell how much he's donating to Charley Horse. Naturally, an After all, the Boy Scouts have a week, the Heart Fund has a
usher will count it. And, oh yes, we're also locking all rest month, and the TB crowd has the whole Christmas season locked
room and exit doors, and roping off the aisles. Too many good up. Why should we be deprived of what's coming to us! I don't
prospects managed to get away last year! have to remind you of what a complete disaster our National
Charley Horse Morning was last November 19th!
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART I

When Fidel (the man with the sword) ordered Antonio Prohias (the
man with the pen) arrested for his anti-Castro cartoons, the Cuban
artist fled to the U.S., where he npw graces MAD's pages w i t h . . .

'You Can't Make A Silk Purse Out Of A Souse Herel"-Alcoholic Rehabilitation Resort Owners Assoc.
 DOUBLE-TALK DEPT.

Study the following examples, and the next time you go to a party, if you don't
get too stoned to listen to the conversation, you'll be able to see the truth
behind the phony bragging and name-dropping that goes on. Mainly, here i s . . .

A MAD GUIDE TO PA
made a
killing in
the market
today!

1 have a
person-to- o
person call
for Mr. David
Susskind...
•-' ii r i '
Dear F r i e n d :
Dear **-
Once a g a ^ s K o v r k

Sincerely.

fffilb*
Ylaltei Viinche
 * *"A Man's Home Is His Hassle"-Marriage Counselors of America

RTY CONVERSATION ARTIST: JACK RICKARD

Laurence \Q (!) Tomorrow, I'm -— \ ^ I always have

There's this gal I 0
Olivier scheduled to cut The chicks where %V lunch with the
who's been begging
me to get married is my the largest diamond I work go wild Big Wheels at
for years... neighbor! n the world... over me! General Motors!
THE YELLOWED KIDS DEPT.
SUPERMAN
Everybody gets old! Everybody, that is, (GROAN/) \(PUFF! PUFF.')
LUCKY 1 GOT A
except most comic strip characters! These T A I L - W I N D , OR I
COULDN'T EVEN
jokers have the uncanny ability to remain STAY UP HERE/
the same dull age year after year, getting
into the same dull situations. So MAD's
gonna break the monotony . . . bearing in
mind that if these comic strip characters
were to age, one good aspect would be that
they'd soon die off and we wouldn't have
to suffer through them any more. Anyway,
let's take away their fountains of youth,
and see what the future would be l i k e . . .

DICK TRACY
HEY, TRACY/ WE'RE HOLDING TRACY, WHEN ARE DON'T ^ F s O I CAN
UP THE B A N K O N M A R K E T YOU GOING TO WORRY, " REACH MY
STREET IN 5 M I N U T E S . RETIRE S O WE CAN CHIEF.' CLASSES,
W E ' R E USING W O O D E N E N D THIS GRIME JUST SO I CAN
G U N S , W E A I N ' T WEARING WAVE? SAM KETCHAM'S HAND LOCATE
M A S K S , A N D WE'VE GOT Y O U N G E R THAN YOU, ME MY HEAR-
N O GETAWAY C A R . . . AND HE RETIRED ^ / MY ING A I D ,
WE'RE WALKIN7 TRY A N ' THIRTY YEARS ^ C A N E . ' . S O I CAN
CATCH US, METHUSELAH.' HAH.' AGO/ TUNE IN
MY WRIST
RADIO, AND
FIND OUT WHO
STOLE M Y
BADGE!

WANT!

POPEYE
COMIC STRIP
CHARACTERS
WBP£ AS OLD AS
THEIR STRIPS
ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD WRITER: EARLE DOUD
26
SUPERMAN/THANK WHAT \ HOLD IT, YOU CAN'T HURT ALL RIGHT/SO HAH { THE BULLETS
HEAVENS YOU'VE WALL? / S U P E R - SUPERMAN.' HE'LL CATCH WENT RIGHT
COMB! EDITOR M A N , OR BULLETS BOUNCE THEAA IN HIS T H R O U 6 H HIM '
PERRy WHITE IS I'LL OFF HIS CHEST/ TEETH A N D yOU SAIO HE'D
IN TROUBLE.' LOOK SPIT THEM CATCH THEM
"THROUGH THAT RIGHT B A C K IN HIS T E E T H /
WALL WITH YOUR AT you.'
X-RAY VISION,
AND SEE IF HE'S,
A L L RIGHT

SORRY, T R A C Y / VOU'VE
HAD youR CHANCE:
NOW I ' M BRINGING IN
WHAT THIS DEPARTMENT
R E A L L Y NEEDS.'
yOLING B L O O D '

sjopaj|Q |Djaunj p|joMjapufi jo pooqj8i|iojg-„ja>|$D;) BUQ " I s66a>k j n o A IIV l n d )/ u °0,>..

V 7 *& "^ 7.I -SEZ I T ' S ) A M D I SEZ IT'S A I W I L L GLADLY

AVAST,/BLOW ME X I DON'T MIND
A D R A W / ) PRAW/ (PUFF/PUFF!) PAY YOU TUESDAY
VE N D O W N . ' O R J HANDING- YOU
(PUFF! D I E T ' S B O T H GIVE FOR A
LUBBER.' ) BETTER \ YOUR GERlTOL,
TAKE ^ S T I L L - P I C K ) P O P E Y E , B U T PUFF.') / O U R FLOWERS T O MUSHBURGER
T H A T / / J M E UP! r ^ M U S T I CON- ^ ^ OLIVE T O G E T H E R / TODAY.'
TIWUE TO CRAWL
T H A N K S j A K O U N D LIKE THIS?
S W E E ' P EA A ' ) 1 T W A G A R E A L
-ypRAGATTHE
SENIOR P R O M
. L A S T WEEK

I
LI'LABNER
WELL, WHEN THE WILDROOT CREAM
O I L FOLKS LET ME GO, I KNOCKED
AROUND MADISON AVENUE FOR A
WHILE AND FINALLY DECIDED TO -
RETIRE.' THAT'S WHY I ' M H E R E . ' I
THOUGHT LI'L ABNER A N D DAISY
MAE. MIGHT LET M E COME A N D
LIVE WITH T H E M . YOU M U S T B E
M A M M Y A N D PAPPY YOKUfA!

MANDRAKE THE MAGICIAN

I WISH SOMETHING T MANPRAKE *"
EXC/TING- WOULD \ COULPN'T SAVE
HAPPEN. 1 HAVEN'T / YOU NOW, ANY-
BEEN CAPTURED / W A Y . ' HE'S
SINCE M Y 89TH < USELESS.' LET'S
BIRTHDAY/ OH, FACE IT, NARPA,'
TO &E 6 0 AGAIN.'/ HE HASN'T PONE
A TRICK RIGHT IN
2 0 YEARS/

OLP CURSES.'//
HOME

y*-(

TARZAN
HOO-f/AH/ JUNGLE PRUMS SAY ^
0OGA-BOO6A-6AGOOGA TRIBE IS
ATTACKING f V / / / r £ /W/W SAFARI.'
YOU STAY HERE, JANE.' I GO SAVE
THEM! BUT FIRST, I GWE OUT WITH
FAMOUS TARZAN YELL... j % ^ 4
 HENRY
W R O N G , M R . FOSDICK.' W E ' R E LI'L
A B N E R . AND DAISY M A E . ' M A M M Y .
A N D PAPPY DIED Y E A R S A G O /
YOU KNOCKED A R O U N D M A D I S O N
A V E N O O LONGER T H A N
<
jfA
pL&2^
"^J _^
ik
1 /frrt' j S u
"U0=O
YOU T H I N K / -
^P^J^=-o
s <&
(h

f^l
/:: Ift-er^
"~TV~ % " V J

liHf
XT 4
1M
1 \W

IIIIIll 111 ftUnit' & W « .\,Et7ffm

HENRY, WHY IS Y A R E YOU K I D D I N G ? ^

IT THAT ALL I ' M BALD, I HAVE
THE COMIC STRIP NO EYELASHES, I
CHARACTERS HAVE NO TEETH,
AROUND YOU I'VE GOT KNOBBY
GET O L D , AND KNEES, I NEVER <
Y O U STAY THE HAVE ANYTHING
S A M E LITTLE IMPORTANT TO SAY,
KIP? AND I ' M ALWAYS
DOING CHILDISH THINGS.'
ME—NEVER GET OLD? WHY, A
I ' V E BEEN S O YEARS O L D "S
ALL A L O N G / /

CALL
P*."» F»j*Mrff 0y«#

DENNIS THE MENACE

EVERY TIME I T ' 5 THE W

SAME THING! B Y THE C
TIME HE'S THROUGH 1
YELLING, HE HkSN'T GOT l
THE STRENGTH LEFT TOGO
ANYWHERE! WE LOSE
MOKE WHITE MAM SAFARI'S

"As Chief U.S. Delegate to the United Nations, I would like to re-
port that I have, through protracted discussion and extended medi-
ation, accomplished the following: I have solved the Vietnam crisis
. . . I have straightened out the Berlin situation . . . I have come up
with a mutually acceptable disarmament plan . . . and I've put chew-
ing gum on all your seats!"
29
 MOM IS FOR-GIVING DEPT.
Mom is probably sick and tired of receiving the same old candy or perfume
or flowers for Mother's Day, and so we'd like to help the young people of

MAD MOTHER'S DAY A R T I S T : BOB C L A R K E

MOM'S OWN RECORD ALBUM GARBAGE AUTOMATIC COMPLAINER

Here are classic songs of household

drudgery that Mom will enjoy playing Chances are that Mom does not occupy
over and over and over again as she's hardly any of her time taking out the Here's a gadget that will save Mother
trudging around the house doing her garbage. At least hardly as much as hours of effort every day of the year.
back-breaking chores. Recorded by 2 she would have Dad believe when she It complains about household drudgery
previous Mothers-of-the-Year, the LP tries to "con" him into doing it for electronically as soon as anyone else
includes such all-time favorites as: "No- her in the evenings. So why not call enters the room, freeing Mom to talk
body Knows The Rubble I've Seen", up your local Sanitation Department, about other things or just sit there
"I've Got a Wet Mop (In My Hands)", and have a truckload of it delivered and enjoy the effect the grousing has
"The Toil Since I'm Married", "Full to her for Mother's Day. She'll keep had on the rest of the harried family.
Moon and Dishpan Hands", "How Deep busy for many happy weeks thereafter Other models are available which also
Is The Wet-Wash" and "Sometimes I'm getting rid of it. It's an ideal gift complain about high prices, neighbors,
Happy, But Not Often". Price: $4.98. for the economy-minded. Price: Free. and Dad's low pay. Price: About $50.

WRINKLE CREAM MARKED CARDS JUVENILE DELINQUENT

Chances are that Mom has lots of idle

hours on her hands after taking care
Has Mom been running into a streak of of her own children, so why not help
Here's a brand new product that will bad luck, and losing a pile .of dough her to occupy her wasted leisure time
make an ideal gift for Mother on her at her weekly Canasta game or Bridge profitably by presenting her with her
Day, especially if yours still looks foursome? You can make all of that a very own juvenile delinquent? Choose
young. One application of this cream thing of the past with this beautiful from the variety available at any of
is guaranteed to create wrinkles on deck of marked cards. Now, she'll be the police juvenile detention homes.
her face. Looking haggard and worn, able to cheat her way to sure victory The back talk, the sassy attitude, the
she'll be in a much better position at every sitting, and the family will vandalism, and the colorful language
to complain about her lot in life, be able to eat decently again because of one of these young hoodlums should
and to get sympathy from the members she won't be blowing the weekly food give Mom a whole new interest in life.
of the family. Price: About $2 a jar. allowance. Price: About $3.00 a deck While it lasts, that is. Price: Free.
our nation use a little originality in picking out her present. Here, then,
for next year if you're lucky enough to be too late for this year, are . . .

GIFT SUGGESTIONS
W R I T E R : TOM KOCH

MOTHER-IN-LAW'S PORTRAIT OVERWEIGHT BATHROOM SCALE GIGOLO

It's probably been a good many years

Just wait until Mother gets a load of since any strange man gave Mother a
Since Dad always comments on the fact this unbalanced scale, guaranteed to second look. Think how flattered she
that his mother was a better house- weigh everything 15 pounds too heavy. will be when the handsome gigolo you
keeper, cook, and raiser of children, You'll love her shriek of anguish the hired suddenly arrives at your house
why not have a professional portrait first time she gets on it and thinks and starts lavishing his attentions on
of the old bat painted and hung in a she's gained all that weight. And the her. Think of the fun you'll have when
conspicuous place in your home where diet she'll put herself on to lose it Daddy comes home from work and
it'll serve as a constant reminder to will keep her happily miserable many finds the guy there. Available in 2
Mom of her shortcomings. Then, she'll months. Of course, this is the kind types: Domestic (found on almost any
spend many happy hours striving hard of gift that you get pleasure out of U.S.A. street corner), and Imported
to meet the standards set by her dear giving without letting the recipient (found on almost any European street
old Mother-In-Law. Price: About $50. know you've done it. Price: About $7. corner). Price: About $25.00 per day.

TERMITES IMPERFECT SOCKS

Has Mom been trying to talk Dad into

buying a new home in a better neigh-
borhood? Here's your chance to make Is Mom the only member of her Bridge
her dreams come true. Just a few of Club who doesn't have an operation to Several large sock manfacturers have
these ravenous termites turned loose brag about? Why not start her on the been known to sell (at great reduction
around the house will turn the place road to popularity and social success in cost) irregular or imperfect pairs.
into sawdust in no time. It will be a by having her appendix taken out for Why not buy a few pairs without heels
wonderful experience for Mom as she Mother's Day? She'll be able to tell or toes in your size and present them
sees the walls collapsing around her, her girl friends every gory detail of to Mom on Mother's Day. Darning
and she'll be eternally grateful for the operation when she returns home them will give her a project to occupy
your thoughtfulness when the family from the hospital, and she'll happily her spare time, and she'll thank you for
has to move whether Dad wants to or owe every delightful moment of it to giving her the opportunity to be of
not! Cost of termites: About 10< doz. 31
you. Price: About $900 w / Blue Cross. service to you. Price: About 15< pr.
JOKE AND DAGGER DEPT. PART II
Here's another installment of that friendly rivalry between the man in black and
the man in white, both dedicated to the "cause" . . . of outwitting each other as —

sjapnij-uaipm;) jo pooL|ja4iojg-„j3i()36oj. ps>Pj|d t^O J*1l"*d V (O SPJ!8>

 WRY OFF THE ROCKS DEPT.
In the old days, most prisons were the same. They were ugly, gray, and grim. The guards were
brutal, the convicts were brutal, and each hated the other. There was only one thing on the
prisoners' minds: to break out! And only one thing on the guards' minds: to keep 'em in! Any-
way, Hollywood mirrored these conditions in its movies. Here are a few typical scenes from

Okay—we gotta move Yeah, a big one Hey, idiot!

If you guys How come you I know! But those rats pulled tf
fast, you guys! Let's The Chaplain ain't You're holding
don't open look so glum, break during the day—and we
see—we killed de made his heroic de wrong hostage!
de gates, Fred? We shot never got a chance to use the
stoolie, we bribed de walk across de Dat's "Big Bull"
de Warden all the greatest prison movie cliche
crooked guard, we prison yard to try you got in front
here gets it escaping cons? of them all, the S W E E P I N G
carved six guns outta an' talk us out of of yuh . . .
. . aarrgh . . SEARCHLIGHT!!
soap, we sang our YA! de break! But dat
YA! YA! YA! song, may come later— IF*:
and we got de warden so why don't we
lined up as a hostage. start without him?
I guess dat covers
all de important
cliches! Any I missed?

UNFORTUNATELY, THE DAYS OF MOVIES LIKE THIS ARE GONE FOREVER, BECAUSE... 33
Today, there have been vast changes in penology methods. Psychiatrists and men of understand-
ing have taken over. Many prisons have no walls, convicts are treated with sympathy and un-
derstanding, and the accent is on rehabilitation rather than on punishment. Which means that
Hollywood will have to change its approach to conform with the times. And this could well be

OMIE The producers are grateful for the cooperation

THE FUTURE ^=_

of the prisoners who consented to appear in
this film during their summer vacation i

. Hey, what's de deal? We got no bars. Botchie! If

Things have sure you're in a clanging mood,
changed since I was knock on the radiator for
in stir 20 years ago! more steam. This is the
Where's de bars? I second time this winter the
figured I'd do about Warden let the temperature |£
f r e e hours of bar- in this cell, block go below
clanging before I seventy degrees!
turned in! It helps
me sleep!

" " L o o k Before You Heap"-Brotherhood ol Garbage Collectors

Hey! Dere's a What kind "guard-hater' ! Boy, what a miserable night! I had Hey, pipe Can the noise,
guy after my He loves guards! It's one bad dream and six psychiatrists down, will Mac! You're
own heart! A those screws he hates! came running into my cell! And that ya, Crumb! drowning out
"guard-hater"! Wood screws! They don't lousy spring mattress! Ugh! Well, Mantovani on
Now I can hold in our plaster walls! it's good to get into the mess hall the Muzak!
relax! It's I tell him once, I tell where I can let off some steam!
beginning to him a thousand times: use
feel like nails to hang up pin-up
old times! pictures! Use nails!
 'JKM4ZS •SJ-

Hey, Rocky! Big Bull, you better carve that gun right away So anyway, Doc . . . I been in Well, Big Bull! That does
Look! I so it looks like a bar of soap. If the Warden ever this prison about a month . . . it! We've solved your
lifted this found out you had a gun, you'd be paroled so and now this crazy wild problems! You don't neec
gun from a fas': it'd make your head spin feeling's come over me. It's me anymore! You're now i
guard, and— hard to explain. It's l i k e - well-adjusted convict!
C'mon! Last one into the pool's a rotten egg!! like I don't want to leave!
Like I want to stay here forever!
-7-

Hey, Big Bull! I got a Forget it, Spike! Parole?? Gee, that's Rocky— Fingers—
message for you from The chukker was a tough break, Big bzzzzz- we meet in
the Warden—Oh say, almost over Bull! Why you three bzzzzz- the laundry
I'm sorry if I interrupted anyway! What's guys? I mean, what pass it! at 3:41! We
your activity here in the message? did you guys do? refuse our
the exercise area . . . paroles!
We're stayin'!

Thanks for the information, Gee, Warden! I've got a problem, Chaplain! Big Bull, Rocky, I don't want
Stoolie! Just for that, you You mean it? ;* and Fingers are holed up in the laundry. They to see any
get another five years added You really refuse to accept their paroles! And we've got trouble like
to your sentence! mean it? three new bank robbers scheduled to come in that. Warden!
tomorrow to take over their cells! Those guys Let me handle
are going to be awfully disappointed . . . i t . . . my way!

SJ8|08Q 1003 94poj4tuy jo •3ossy-„|3nd PIO U V * i n l 3 n J ° N s 3J3

, Hi
 ^ ^ ^
Stay back, Chaplain! You're wastin' We're STAYIN' in this Whattya think? We got no choice!
We're WARN IN'you! your TIME, prison, Chaplain! You think he We can't shoot him!
You come one more Chaplain—If Tell the Warden not can talk the Because dat'd mean
step—and we FIRE! you think you to try an'THROW us Governor into de chair, an' we'd've
can talk us out, either—because adding on a accomplished nuttin'!
into LEAVING! there's not a city few years?
in this country BIG
ENOUGH to hold us! OKAY, CHAPLAIN!
YOU WIN! WE'RE
COMIN'OUT!

*^C
m-4-

V
A Fool And His 'Olds' Are Soon Parted"-Finonce Companies of America

You trouble-makers will But . . . but the HEY, MEN! WE C'rnon, you
pay for this! Instead of Chaplain promised! BEEN DOUBLE- guys! Back to
leaving here tomorrow— He said he'd talk CROSSED!! the Laundry . .
YOU LEAVE RIGHT NOW! to the Governor!!

G'WAN! OUT! OUT! AND

DON'T EVER COME BACK!

k^ ' -•

h
Look! You can stand there
and shoot the breeze all
day if you like . . . but
I'm going back to the cell
and get dressed for the
big dance tonight!
 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II
<£~o
Don Martin's ill-fated career certainly has had its " u p s and d o w n s ' Fonebone Theatrical
—but never with such a vengeance as the week he spent w o r k i n g . . Agency, please1

ON

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W' i i1 \
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"Fried Goeth Before The Gall"-Society ol Gastro-lntestinal Specialists

Sorry, Ma'am! The elevator is stuck This means we'll missl

between floors! Looks like we'll be our appointment!!
locked in here for hours...
 DINERS' CUB DEPT.

Parents are always complaining

that their children eat like pigs,
or like birds, or like some other
kind of animal. Well, these very
same parents might be surprised
to learn that animals are always
complaining that their children
eat like people. You'll see what
we mean as the Editors present...
"How many times have I told you to eat with your fingers?

A
MAD
LOOK
AT
THE
EATING
'What do you mean 'Pass it!'? You'll have to learn to reach for your food!

HABITS
OF
ANIMALS
38 ARTIST: WALLACE WOOD WRITER : DEAN NORMAN
'Now remember to play with your food before you eat it!'
 aossy .sjeuoiiipojd |Ojauaj)-„s3(3!Ji MSN 30Q pio "V H»o»i (,u°D noAx-..

"I know it's a little fresh, but you can't have leftovers for every meal!" "That kid is so neat when he eats, it makes me sick!"
39
 HOLLYWOOD DEPT.

T h e Feat Of Strength
V&fones We'd Mke to JeJh
A R T I S T : GEORGE W O O D B R I D G E
EASY ON THE SOCKET-BOOK DEPT.
Every TV set owner dreads the day he must call the repairman. Though the trouble is usually
small, the bill is usually large. And so, as a public service to its readers, and a personal
service to its Editor—who recently got hit by just such a TV repair bill, MAD presents . . .

A MAD GUIDE TO
" D O - IT-YOU RS E LF"
T V REPAIRS

A H A N D Y " D O - I T - Y O U R S E L F " TV REPAIR M A N U A L T H A T EVEN A S I M P L E T O N

CAN F O L L O W . . . M A I N L Y BECAUSE IT W A S W R I T T E N BY A S I M P L E T O N

ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER : AL JAFFEE 41

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 J3
SUDIJDUU948/\ UIJDJ JO At9pos-„£punoJV * ° M H<0 3M1 II s l JQ — J S A *d V »AJD(S PUV <I°D V P 3 3 d.
DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III

Another career Don Martin tried for a short time — mainly until he
ran into someone who had a bone to pick with him—was working as...
 REAL ADVERTISEMENT

HAVE A "MAD" PARTY!

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IDIOTIC LYRICS YOU CAN LAUGH AT I
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MAD'S
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" I Found Her Telephone "Agnes" " T h r o w i n g The " I Saw Someone
Number W r i t t e n O n The The Teenage High School Else's Dandruff
Boys' Bathroom W a l l ! " Russian Spy Basketball G a m e " O n Your Shirt!"

MAD "TWI8TS* ROCK N' ROLL

ON SALE NOW AT YOUR FAVORITE RECORD STORE
( I F IT ISN'T IN STOCK, ASK THE MAN TO ORDER IT! " B I G T O P " 1 2 - 1 3 0 5 )

Look For It! Listen To It! Laugh At It! Love It!

 add warm water.. things happen fast -
and stir a minute now Doggy is dying
to go for a walk

World's only dog food that

regulates your doggy run*
(right in the how-wow-ell) DOGGY
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N E W D O G G Y T R A I N shows him who's boss! 7////M