SPECIAL SUMMER CAMP ISSUE

OUR PRICE

I'.tiw^- 'WUujC
•
NUMBER 105 SEPTEMBER 1966 VITAL FEATURES

BATS-MAN
"When money talks, nobody criticizes its accent!" (A MAD
—Alfred E. Neuman TV
SATIRE)
WILLIAM M. GAINES publisher ALBERT B. FELDSTEIN editor Pg.7
JOHN PUTNAM art director LEONARD BRENNER production
JERRY DE FUCCIO, NICK MEGLiN associate editors
MARTIN J . SCHEIMAN lawsuits
GLORIA ORLANDO, CELIA MORELLI, RICHARD CRILLO Subscriptions
CONTRIBUTING ARTISTS AND WRITERS
the usual gang of idiots
MAD
'DOUBLE-O
DEPARTMENTS NUMBER"
LICENSES
AIDE-DE-"CAMP" DEPARTMENT
Pg.20
Bats-Man 7
BEHIND THE ODD-BALL DEPARTMENT
More "MAD's Modern Believe It Or Nuts" 26
BERGS-EYE VIEW DEPARTMENT
The Lighter Side Of Traveling 16
CANNED LAUGHTER DEPARTMENT
A MAD Look At Shut-Ins 40 WHAT
ISA
DON MARTIN DEPARTMENT
PARTY-
"One Day On The Bridge" 13 POOPER?
"Meanwhile At The Doctor's Office" 23 Pg.24
"Meanwhile At The Sculptor's Studio" 32
DOUBLE EXPOSURE DEPARTMENT
Photos That Prove West Is West & East Is East 4
GIVING 'EM THE DOUBLE-0 DEPARTMENT
MAD Licenses 20
INVITATION TO THE DUNCE DEPARTMENT HULLABADIG
What Is A Party-Pooper? 24 AU GO GO
IRON CURTAIN-CALL DEPARTMENT (A MAD
The Spy That Came in For The Gold 43 TV SATIRE)
JACKIE-OF-ALL-TRADES DEPARTMENT Pg.33
If Other Publications Used Movie Mag Cover Gimmicks 27
LETTERS DEPARTMENT
Random Samplings Of Reader Mail 2
MARGINAL THINKING DEPARTMENT
Drawn-Out Dramas by Sergio Aragones **
A
QUESTIONABLE ENTERTAINMENT DEPARTMENT MAD
Future National Television Tests 14 LOOK AT
RANDOM HASH-HOUSE DEPARTMENT SHUT-INS
Specialized Cookbooks 38 Pg.40
SLIPPED DISCOTHEQUE DEPARTMENT
Hullabadig Au Go Go 33
SPOOKING FROM PICTURES DEPARTMENT
Horrifying Cliches 30

**Various Places Around The Magazine THE SPY

THAT CAME
MAD—Sept. 1966 V o l . I , Number 105, is published monthly except February, May, August and Novem-
IN FOR
ber, by E.C. Publications, Inc., at 850 Third Avenue, New York, N.Y. 10022. Second Class Postage paid THE GOLD
at New York, N . Y. Subscriptions: In the U.S.A., 7 issues $2.00 or 21 issues $5.00. Outside U.S.A.;
7 issues $2.50 or 21 issues $6.25. Allow 8 weeks for change of address to become effective. Entire con- Pg.43
tents copyright « 1966 by E. C. Publications, Inc. The Publisher and Editors w i l l not be responsible for
unsolicited manuscripts and request a l l manuscripts be accompanied by a stamped self-addressed return
envelope. The names of characters used in a l l M A D fiction and semi-fiction are fictitious. A similarity
without satiric purpose to a living person is a coincidence. Printed in U.S.A.
 LETTERS DEPT.

INDULGE YOUR SHELF!

STUFF IT WITH
MAD
PAPERBACK BOOKS! THE THREE FACES OF MAD

I've never laughed so hard or so much

• A- 1Mb || as I did when I read my copy of MAD
BEDSIDE #103. It is by far the best MAD you've
ill ever produced. Please keep up the good
MMS 1
AM* work.

1\3fc4t^lf
f: l
jfe; Robin Edinger
Brooklyn, New York

_^* "'-' ll ^ ^ ^ ^ ^ B •J The odor in my room is almost too

much for me to bear right now. It all
started when I brought my new issue of
MAD (#103) into the house. The entire
magazine was a waste of time. I get more
laughs out of my daily newspaper!
Carol Brauch
Seward, Nebraska

MAD #103 w a s . . . eh!

Joel Green
Chicago, 111.

HONEY WASTE

Well, you've done it again! How you

pack of morons can consistently come up
with marvelous spoofs such as "Honey
Waste" is beyond me. This one showed
both the best and the worst America has
to offer in the field of entertainment.
Mainly, the best humorous review of the
MB". worst show on TV.
Harvey Krezatz
Buffalo, New York
imitti
* ^ g DROPS Your satire on "Honey West" was an
T f e j ' TORIES "Utter Waste"!
George Bushnell
Santa Ana, California
u s e c o u p o n or d u p l i c a t e
I just read your MAD satire, "Honey
NAME Waste" and I was thoroughly disgusted.
"Honey West" is a brilliant detective story

MAD
850 Third A v e n u e ,
ADDRESS.

CITY
and you turned into a sickening flop. This
time, MAD goofed!
Shirley Davidson
Irwin, Pennsylvania
N e w Y o r k , NT. Y . 1 0 0 2 2 STATE -ZIP-CODE-
»SSOLUTELY NECESS*

We'll send you the hospital bills! We

PLEASE SEND ME: • Like MAD • It's A World, World, etc., MAD split our sides laughing!
• The Ides of MAD • Raving MAD Skip Fickling
• The MAD Reader • Fighting MAD • DON MARTIN Steps Out Creator of "Honey West"
• MAD Strikes Back • The MAD Frontier D DON MARTIN Bounces Back Laguna Beach, California
• Inside MAD • MAD in Orbit • DON MARTIN Drops 13 Stories
• Utterly MAD • The Voodoo MAD • DAVE BERG Looks At The U.S.A. I really enjoyed your satire of "Honey
• The Brothers MAD • Greasy MAD Stuff • DAVE BERG Looks At People West"! Now—how about doing a take-off
• The Bedside MAD • Three Ring MAD • MAD's All-New "Spy-vs-Spy" on "Batman"?
• Son of MAD • The Self-Made MAD Kevin McCormick
D The Organization MAD • The MAD Sampler I E N C L O S E SOc F O R EACH: Lakewood, California
N o sooner said than done, Kevin. See page
7 of this issue.—Ed.
We cannot be responsible for cash On orders outside the U.S.A. be
lost or stolen In the Mails. Check sure to add 10% extra. Allow at
or Money Order preferredl least six weeks for delivery.
 A REAL " M A D " GAL THE HYPOCRITE PRIMER
PUT A NEWSDEALER
I would like to congratulate you on
coming up with such a brilliant article as
"The MAD Hypocrite Primer" ( # 1 0 3 ) .
IN YOUR MAILBOX!
I am writing this letter for the sole pur-
pose of commending you for exposing the
many hypocritical aspects of modern life.
It is heartwarming to see that MAD has
become the voice of truth, honor and lib-
erty—leading the people on through the
darkness into the light of freedom. Er—
by the way, how much do you pay for a
printed letter?
Barry Stevens
Winnipeg, Ont. Can.

HORRIFYING CLICHES
I must compliment Paul Coker Jr. and
Phil Hahn for their wonderful "Horrify-
ing Cliches" in the June issue of MAD
( # 1 0 3 ) . The "MAD Beastlies" were very
funny, but these make me roll over laugh-
ing. Even my father, who needs a really
funny joke to laugh heartily, was roaring
MADly.
Andy Gallagher
Here at the Diller Estate, our canine Beaconsfield, Quebec, Can.
("Fang, The Elder") is known as a real Paul Coker and Phil Hahn have created
"MAD Dog". Every time our subscription the funniest addition to MAD in years.
copy arrives, he tosses the mailman for it. "MAD Beastlies" were great, but "Horrify-
Best regards to Alfred E. Neuman . . . ing Cliches" is too much!
from one cartoon to another! John Comerford
Phyllis Diller Lansing, Michigan
Hollywood, Calif. SUBSCRIBE TO
HOW D O WE DO IT?

FATHERS ARE TWO-TIME LOSERS Congratulations on sustaining the most

profound mockery of "Madison Avenue"
In reference to your article, "Fathers ever! That is, profitably (? ) selling a 30^
Are Two-Time Losers" in MAD #103, I magazine without depending on advertis-
would just like to point out that Ralph
Kipness is a THREE-time loser . . . mainly
ing income. How you can exist while pass- . . . and you won't miss any of the
ing up the tons of money other magazines
because there were no 1971 New Orleans haul in from carrying ads is beyond me.
silver dollars minted! "Action" in each "Giant" issue!
You must have a tremendous source of
Bob Walsh outside capital.
San Jose, California Steve Mackin use coupon or duplicate
Flint, Michigan
THE A G O N Y AND THE AGONY
I want to tell you how much I enjoyed
Yes, w e a l l " M o o n l i g h t " as G a r b a g e m e n .
-Ed.
MAD
850 Tliird A v e n u e ,
your treatment of "The Agony and The
Ecstasy" in MAD #103, having suffered NO "JUNK MAIL" LIST N e w York, N. Y. 10022
through the pains of the movie. Your I want to thank you for keeping your • I enclose $2.00.* Please enter my name on your sub-
parody version of it was priceless. list of subscribers the personal property scription list, and mail me the next 7 issues of MAD
Mary G. Waldo of your publication. My son is a teenager, • I enclose $5.00.** Please enter my name on your sub-
Berkeley, California and really enjoys his subscription to your scription list, and mail me the next 21 issues of MAD
magazine. Up until the present time, he
Saturday, I saw "The Agony and The has received no "junk mail" from any other NAME .
Ecstacy" and really enjoyed the Sculpture source. I mention this because my oldest ADDRESS
Review in the beginning and the "When boy once ordered an item from the cover
will you make an end" routine. Tuesday, of another magazine, and hardly a day CITY
I read MAD's "The Agony and The goes by that we do not get mail from every STATE ZIP-CODE
Agony" and really enjoyed the laughter mail order house in the country trying to AN ABSOLUTE MUST
throughout. Please, don't ever "make an sell us everything from Auto Insurance to •Outside U.S.A., $3.50. "Outside U.S.A., $6.25.
end" to the delight you produce. racy movies. When Chris ordered MAD, Please allow S weeks for your subscription to bo processed. We
cannot beresponsiblefor cash lost or stolen In the malls.
Patricia Smith I was a bit apprehensive, but you have Check or Money Order preferred.
Dillon, Montana been honorable people and I must com-
pliment you for this.
MIXED-UP MAD Mrs. Joseph P. Lane
Just a line to tell you how much 1 love Pittsburgh, Penna.
you for continuing to question the shallow You a r e correct in observing that the list of THE LAST
and the unfair aspects of our society with M A D Subscribers is jealously g u a r d e d a n d
a sound mixture of liberal, conservative
and middle-of-the-road values wrapped
that w e refuse t o sell it to anyone.—Ed. 100 DATS
in the fine intellectual tradition of satire. Please address a l l correspondence t o :
Elinor Harvin M A D , Dept. 105, 850 Third Avenue were the worst yet for these full-color portraits
of Alfred E. Neuman, MAD's "What-Me Worry?" kid!
Detroit, Michigan N e w York City, New York 10022 Only four people ordered them at 25$ each (or 3
for 50c)! Looks like they're no "best-seller"! So
if you'd like to help us win the war on poverty,
mail money to: MAD, 850 Third Ave. N.Y., N.f. 10022
DOUBLE-EXPOSURE DEPT.

A PORTFOLIO OF MAD

IS W E S T !
WRITER: MAX BRANDEL
AIDE-DE-"CAMP" DEPT.
Everybody's going wild over that new TV show featuring "The Caped Crusader" and his
teenage side-kick. But has anyone ever wondered what it would really be like as the
side-kick of a "Caped Crusader"? Would a typical red-blooded teenage boy really be
happy dressing in some far-out costume and spending all of his free time chasing
crooks? Or would he much prefer dressing in chinos and go-go boots and spending all
of his free time chasing chicks? We at MAD think the latter! In fact, we're ready
to prove it! Let's take a MAD look at "Boy Wonderful" as he is slowly being driven
 Holy Cornball! Listen, don't get me wrong, Bats-Man But Sparrow—
Holy Kinsey 1 You have
. . . I don't mind fighting crooks and running around in
Report! my underwear! But I'd also like some time for good, your own
I've got a clean teenage activities, like making out and sniffing private phone!
date with a 1 airplane glue and talking for hours on the phone .
girl! Finally! •
And believe I
me, it H
wasn't easy! ]
 It was the Commissioner! He's bored out
of his mind! He said we've been on the air
15 minutes and we haven't had one fight,
seen one weird villain, or scaled one wall!
Better get the Bats-Mobile ready!

What's wrong with you kids today? Your date

will have to wait until evil and injustice have Man, that Bat bugs me! I ask for one lousy
been erased from Gotham City! And after that, night off and he gives me the whole darn
we've got problems in Asia! If you really feel Pollyanna schtick! Okay, baby, you asked
the need for feminine companionship, there's for it! There's only one cat sharp enough
always Aunt Hattie! to knock you off, Bats-Man, and that's me!

T+ >i

&k

Leapin' Lizards!
It's Sparrow
Versus Bats-Man!
iMg L3L
I've been thinking . . . you know how kidnap-prone Aunt That's better. At least now I
The
Bats-Mobile Hattie is! Well, wouldn't it be wise if one of us stayed look like a normal teenager!
I wish you wouldn't
is all here to protect her while the other zooms into town in And in a few minutes . . .
call me that,
set to go, Bats-Mobile, waving at pretty girls on the road, and—I
Sparrow! It sounds
B.M. like an old Jack

m
 Holy Socks!
What
Holy Mushroom Bird-Brained
Cloud! Can Scheme
That Be The End Is Sparrow
Of Bats-Man?! Hatching Now?
i Hi-1
It's the Not just the
Commissioner, paintings,
Tell him not
sir. Some to worry—the sir—they
diabolical fiend paintings are stole the
has just robbed all insured whole
the Wessel for more than museum!
Foundation they're worth!
Museum , , .

Suffering Sunbeam! Is This The End For

Bats-Man, Or Just Another Close Shave?
in*'' ^uy

r Well, I tried all the

conventional TV weapons
and nothing worked.
There's only one way
Don't you think we ought to
close the cave and put the
roadblock back up, Bats-Man?
Don't worry about it, Sparrow. If they really wanted to find out where
the Bats-Cave is, all they'd have to do is trace the line from the
Phone in the Commissioner's office. TV writers have no logic

left to destroy
Bats-Man—expose him!
 S^§$$1
Wait a second! I'd know that Close, Bats-Man,
voice anywhere! I know who but not close
you really are, El Capon— enough! You seem
you're Aunt Hattie! surprised .

JL*
Of course I am! I thought A lesson I learned from you in one of Sparrow, don't What difference does it
tonight's guest villain was your many boring speeches! Remember the go through with Fame? You make if they laugh, as long
one about logic and TV writers? You your devilish call it fame as they watch the program!
supposed to be Laurence
were right! They have none! That's how scheme! You having all my For years, TV tried to reach
Olivier! But how were you
come we can do things like starting can't toss all the so-called sophisticates
able to make that phone hip friends
this away— with "Playhouse 9 0 " ,
call to the Commissioner? down our Bat-Slide wearing street laughing
ratings, money, "The Defenders", etc.
was with-you all the clothes and ending up in the Bats-Cave at me?
fame . . . But they wouldn't even
time! And how were you in full costume! But all that doesn't turn on their sets!
able to change into that matter now. In a short time you'll be
costume so fast? all washed up! Finished!

auflF i
:'.i"^ ^ • • S f t W i r g r ' TTTi *
Then along came "Bats-Man" and the Holy Nielsen! Exactly! So let them laugh! Because we laugh too—all the way I dig,
industry made a revolutionary You mean the to the bank! And about your little problems, Boy W o n d e r f u l . . . Bats-Man,
discovery. Give the " i n " group swingers are remember, I promised you a Bluebird of Happiness? Now that I dig!
garbage—make the show bad enough really squarer you're . . . shall we say "old enough".. . you can start sharing Yeah!
and they'll call it "camp" and than the the show's fringe benefits! Like, why do you think we have Yeah!
squares? these gorgeous-doll guest stars? YEAH!
stay glued to their sets!
 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART

ONE DAY ON THE BRIDGE

fnf
 QUESTIONABLE ENTERTAINMENT DEPT.
You really can't depend on it, but every once in a while Television comes up with something exciting
—like f'rinstance the widely-acclaimed "National Driver's Test." However, this resulted in something
you really can depend on—mainly that Television always takes anything that is widely-acclaimed and

FUTURE NATIONAL
THE NATIONAL THE NATIONAL TEENAGER TEST
TEENAGER S PARENTS TEST
1. A teenage boy promises to pick up a girl at 8:00 P.M.
1. At what age should you tell your child about "the
He should actually arrive at her house at:
birds and the bees"? (a) 8:00 P.M.
(a) 12 years old (b) 8:30 P.M.
(b) 14 years old (c) 9:00 P.M.
(c) 16 years old
ANSWER: (a) You should tell your child about ANSWER: (a) is correct. If he says 8:00 P.M., he
should arrive at 8:00 P.M. He should
"the birds and the bees" when he is
arrive, however, with several good
about 12 years old. However, you should
books, a few crossioord puzzles and some
tell your child about "sex" when he's a magazines to help pass the time while
lot younger, or he's bound to find out waiting for her.
for himself.
2 . At what time should you expect a teenage boy to
come home if he has school the next day? 2 . You are a teenage girl, and Friday night is the "big
(a) 9:00 P.M. dance". No one has asked you. As a matter of fact,
(b) 10:00 P.M. every time a boy comes up to you, he suddenly turns
(c) 11:00P.M. his head and walks away. You should:
(a) Not go to the dance, and spend the evening
ANSWER: (b) You should expect him home at fretting.
10:00 P.M. However, you should not be (b) Ask your best friend what's wrong with you.
surprised if he shows up at 1 or 2:00 (c) Have your brother or cousin take you.
P.M. (d) Get some of that good-tasting "red stuff".
3 . A 14-year-old boy is old enough to be forced to take
ANSWER: (d) Get some of that good-tasting "red
a job. stuff". A quart of Gallo or Thunder-
(a) True bird, chug-a-lugged, should help you for-
(b) False get about that crummy dance com-
(b) False. It is not fair to expect a boy of pletely.
ANSWER: 14 to get a job. This is an important
'time in a boy's life, when he should be
outdoors, running and swimming and 3 . John wants to show the best possible manners to his
playing. Of course, it is perfectly normal new girl. After picking her up in front of her home,
for you to insist that he do little things he opened the door and let her go in first, then he
around the house, like mowing the closed the door, walked around to the other side,
lawn, painting the garage, taking out
o the garbage, simonizing the car, sanding
and got in himself. This showed good manners.
and varnishing the floors, remodeling (a) True
the basement, shopping, cooking, clean- (b) False
ing, sewing, baby-sitting, etc., etc. ANSWER: (a) True. Actually, this did show good
manners. Hoxuever, if everyone did this,
Giving a child blocks to play with will help him bus service ivould be slowed down con-
o 4.
face life as an adult. siderably.
(a) True
(b) False
ANSWER: (a) True. Especially if you give blocks 4 . A newly-married teenage couple should let their
around Fifth Avenue and Fiftieth Street. parents visit:
(a) Twice a week
5 . Petting should be discouraged among teenagers. (b) Once a week
(a) True (c) Every other week
(b) False (d) Once a month
(a) False. As a matter of fact, teenagers ANSWER: (a) A newly-married teenage couple
ANSWER:
should even be encouraged to play with should let their parents visit at least
their dogs. Not only petting, but fetch- twice a week. After all, it is the parents'
ing, rolling over, sitting up, etc. can be house.
stimulating and helpful in developing
14
beats the idea to death! Which is why the "National Driver's Test" was followed by the "National
Citizenship Test," the "National Health Test," the "National Honesty Test" and the "National Income
Tax Test." Which is why we feel that it won't be long before we'll turn on our sets and find these

TELEVISION TESTS
WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO

THE NATIONAL
THE NATIONAL
CITY-DWELLER S TEST
TELEVISION VIEWERS TEST
1. How much rent would you expect to pay for a de-
cent three-room apartment in a big city? 1. Huntley and Brinkley are:
(a) $100 a month (a) Newscasters
(b) $200 a month (b) Comedians
(c a month (c) Brothers
ANSWER: (a) (b) ir (c) are all correct. Not indi- ANSWER: We thought we'd start off this test with
vidually, but added together. Yes, $600 a real easy one. Of course, the answer is
a month is what a decent apartment (b) Comedians, since the networks have
rents for in a big city . . . unless, of been trying to make the news funnier
course, you want to spend even more for and funnier lately.
"extras" like windows and doors and a
wall to divide your apartment from the 2 . The Ed Sullivan Show has been entertaining tele-
one next to you. vision viewers on Sunday evenings for 15 years now.
(a) True
2 . At Christmas, you should give money to: (b) False
(a) The Superintendent
ANSWER: (b) False. Although the Ed Sullivan
(b) The Mailman
(c) The Doorman Show has been on for 15 years, and is
(d) None of the above televised on Sunday evenings, the "key
word" in this trick question is "enter-
ANSWER: (d) You are not obliged to give money taining".
to people like those listed above at
Christmas time. The fool who does
3 . 90% of all prime time TV shows are in:
merely wants to avoid (a) being evicted,
(a) Black & white
(b) having his mail thrown down a
(b) Color
sewer, and (c) suffering a broken nose
(c) Bad taste
from having the front door slammed in
his face. ANSWER:
(b) Color. (Editor's Note to the millions
who wrote (c): We feel a joke is a joke,
3 . If your neighbors are noisy late at night, you should: and a lawsuit is a lawsuit!)
(a) Call your neighbors
(b) Report them to the police
4 . If you want real action, the show to watch is:
(c) Turn up your TV set
(a) The Man From U.N.C.L.E.
(d) Do nothing
(b) Batman
ANSWER: (a) You should call your neighbors. (c) Hullabaloo
Some of the things you can call them ANSWER:
are: "#$%<§>*•&!" - "&%S#tf@ + %!" This question cannot be answered with
-and " % & * # 4 @ # " . a simple (a), (b) or (c). It would depend
on your definition of "action". For ex-
ample, if you wanted to see violence and
4 . You should complain to your landlord if the tem- fist fights and knifings and screaming,
perature in your apartment falls below: you ivould, of course, pick (c) Hulla-
(a) 60 degrees baloo.
(b) 50 degrees
(c) 40 degrees 5. The most talented man on TV is:
ANSWER: You can complain to your landlord if (a) Lawrence Welk
the temperature falls below (a) 60 de- (b) Durward Kirby
grees. You can also complain if it falls (c) Allen Ludden
below (b) 50 degrees. You can even com- (cl) Bert Parks
plain if it falls below (c) 40 degrees. It
won't do you any good. Landlords don't ANSWER: False.
care what the heck temperature you
complain at. They never listen.

15
 B E R G S - E Y E V I E W DEPT.

LIGHTER
Oh, my gosh! I
think I left the
What!? But we've
traveled 50 miles
©IDE OFBut it's liable to cause
a fire or an explosion!
Okay! Okay! There
goes our whole
Quick! I'll unlock the door and
you rush in and check the oven!
kitchen oven on! from home already You've got to turn back! time schedule!

This You said it! What a Are you guys nuts or somethin'? I don't know about the vital facilities YOU
is the perfect spot to set Take a look around! Drinking water need, Herman! But the vital facilities WE
place! up our camping gear! is two miles back! The nearest need are all within a few yards!
swimming is five miles west! And

^r there's no fire wood! Where are

all the vital facilities we need?

We've been driving I'm Huh? Listen, Mister! What if Well, in a case I've got news So why don't you let us
all day! Man, are awfully But the President of the like that, I for you, pal! have the room you were
we beat! Give us a sorry, we're United States were to suppose we The President gonna give to him?
room so we can just but we're exhausted! suddenly show up at could always is NOT coming
flop down and sleep! FULL UP! this motel! Would you rustle up to this motel!
find him a room? something!
V v—
TRHUELinG
The oven isn't even on!
You made me drive a
the way back for nothing!
Well, it's
better to be
safe than sorry!
WRITER&ARTIST: DAVID BERG

Darn it! I've been driving like a maniac

for the past two hours, trying to make up
for lost time because you sent me on that
Oh, my gosh! I think I forgot
to lock the front door again!
wild goose chase! Do me a favor! Next time
you get another bright idea, just lock
your mouth and throw away the key! M Lock!? V

I wanna No, I wanna YOU DID NOT! DADDY! MAKE All right, kids! I must say, you're a What wisdom!? It's
sit by sit by the I SAW IT FIRST! HIM STOP! I I'll settle this! regular King Solomon! just that I wanna
the window! I I WANNA SIT BY WANNA SIT BY Neither of you You showed great sit by the window!
window! saw it first! THE WINDOW! THE WINDOW! will sit by the wisdom in solving
window! I will! this childish problem!

What a gorgeous hotel! And what a gorgeous And what a C Y N T H I A! Amy, dear! Why, I'm not! You just
Every beautiful room
with a terrace and a
restaurant! Every dish
an exotic masterpiece!
lovely pool!
I just can't
ill WHAT ARE
YOU DOING
I'm vacationing
here, too! You
spoiled my whole
trip! Now, I've
view! I can't wait to must remember every wait to tell— HERE?! don't seem very got nobody to
detail so I can tell happy to see me! brag about it to!
Cynthia all about it!
 Ann, I What do you I packed You're packed I don't believe in Sure, HEY! WHAT Just unpacking your
haven't mean? I did those away already!? But waiting until the honey! IN HECK bag for when we return
got a a whole for the we're not last minute like Just one ARE YOU home from our trip!
shirt to batch trip! leaving for you do! So if you minute . . DOING!? Why leave things for
wear! yesterday! two weeks! don't mind, I'd the last minute?!
like a s h i r t . . .

All right, Mr. Particular! It

That's the third motel had
you've passed! What was no
the matter with that one? pool!

r ^3

You mean you're just I—I don't think I could

going to sit there stand having everybody
and suffer? Why? know where I'm going!

This Yes, but I'm Welcome aboard, ladies and gentlemen! The Emergency Escape Hatch Now I see
your not worried! I am your Stewardess. Since most of is in the rear. There is what there
first I don't see our flight will be over water, in case another Emergency Exit next is to be
plane anything to of emergency, you will find your Life to seat 29A. And if you afraid of!
flight? be afraid of! Preserver under your seat which is feel airsick, there is a
inflated by pulling these tabs. If paper bag in the pocket
we suddenly lose cabin pressure, there in front of you! Thank you!
is an Oxygen Mask over your head . . .
 I'd rather buy you a
new evening gown than
go through another of
those long goodbyes!

I know I Absolutely v Mrs. Combs said she'd Now Blossom promised 5 Isn't it great to HOW
sound like breathtaking! | i come in and feed the how [ she'd come in 1 get completely SHOULD
a typical Le'me get a > tropical fish every about every night and / away from all the I
tourist, shot of you / day. I hope she doesn't taking f turn a light on ) mundane everyday KNOW!?
but—Man! in front of | overfeed them. And I'm a shot C in the house so 1 aggravations of
What a view! this s p o t . . . ( worried about the plants of me! burglars would / home once in
I left with H a r r i e t . . .
\ l f> think we're home, J
but Blossom is i
a while!?
>J \ so forgetful. i

This bus is made up of mostly new Hey, Campers! I'm your Uncle Milty!
campers! It's probably the first time Let's laugh it up! Let's sing it up for
they've been away from their families. good ol' Camp Ship-em-off! There's
We've got a couple of criers, and a few nothing like a good 0\' song-fest to
on the verge of tears. So do somethingj get into the spirit of Summer Fun!
to cheer 'em up! Right? Now, what shall we sing?
 GIVING 'EM THE DOUBLE-O DEPT.

This is James Bond's "007—License

007 To Kill". Who gave it to him? We
have no idea, but he's got it. And
LICENSE TO KILL so he can go around killing anyone
he wants any time that he wants.
ISSUED TO
Which is okay with us, providing he
JAMES BOND has that license. Mainly because we
SECRET AGENT think this licensing idea is a good
Reposing: special confidence in the discretion of the Agent hereupon one. In fact, we'd like to carry it
designated. Her Most Gracious Majesty, by virtue of Her Royal Prerog-
ative, docs herewith license the said Agent to exercise such mayhem a step further, and issue these . . .
and bodily restraint upon any of her enemies in such manner and with
sufficient rigor as may result In their ultimate and final demise.

OOl
LICENSE TO COAST
Issued To
JACKIE GLEASON
Former Funny Man
This license entitles the holder to rest on
his laurels, having presented tired routines
and vintage jokes, and generally shown his
contempt for America's sense of humor while
allowing his great talent to remain hidden.

003
LICENSE TO BORE
Issued To
D E A N RUSK
Secretary Of State

This license entitles the bearer to impress

people as being unbelievably dull and unin-
spired, thereby matching our U.S. Foreign
Policy. It further permits him to speak with-
out moving a muscle—or the world leaders
who are listening to him, for that matter.

005
LICENSE
TO SHAME
Issued To
THE BEVERLY Licensees are permitted to perform their
HILLBILLIES idiocies on TV screens all over the world,
thereby damaging beyond repair the image
Ambassadors of of America and giving the peoples of for-
eign countries the impression that we are
American Culture undeniably a nation of morons and cretins.

20
D LICENSES
ARTIST: BOB CLARKE WRITER: STAN HART

LICENSE TO
002 NAUSEATE
Issued To
D O R I S DAY
Rapidly Aging Movie Star
Holder of this license is entitled to act
like an over-ripe teenager, and to run from
romantic entanglements unless and until the
pursuer comes across with the wedding ring.
This is, of course, less of a tribute to the
licensee's virtue, and more of a tribute to
her basically shrewd commercial instincts.

004
LICENSE TO AMAZE
Issued To
DURWARD KIRBY
All-Around TV
Something-Or-Other
The recipient of this license is permitted to
perform without inspiration, to make jokes
without wit, and to survive endlessly on TV
for no perceptible reason. This license will
be immediately revoked should holder at any
time demonstrate the least degree of talent.

006
LICENSE TO BE PRETENTIOUS
Issued To
H U G H M. H E F N E R
Editor, Publisher and Poolroom Philosopher
As a self-appointed expert, by way of being the publisher of a
pseudo-intellectual sex magazine, the licensee is permitted to
make personal appearances to expound an endless cliche philos-
ophy dealing with sex, mores and other things that may cross
his mind. This license, therefore, allows him to feel just like
Friedrich Nietzche—while sounding exactly like Donald Duck!
 LICENSE TO BE
INSIGNIFICANT
008
Issued To
HUBERT H. HUMPHREY
Reputed-To-Be
Vice President Of The U.S.
So that the bearer may be entitled to make
personal appearances that go unnoticed, make
speeches that go unheard, and hold Press Con-
ferences that go unattended, MAD is proud
to issue this license to what's-his-name.

LICENSE TO BE
009 OVERBEARING
Issued To
JERRY LEWIS
Master Of Subtlety
Holder of this license is allowed to make
jokes in any area, regardless of taste, and
to assume that the world awaits with bated
breath his very appearance so that he can
feel obliged to perform as something other
than what he became famous for . . . an idiot.

OOVs
LICENSE TO DISGUST
Issued To
THE DOUBLEMINT SINGING KIDS
Some Idiot's Idea Of Typical American Teenagers
This licensed pair is permitted
to act so clean and so wholesome
and so antiseptic while singing
off-key as to make TV viewers
throw shoes at their TV screens
before ultimately throwing up.

^—CM

ooo
LICENSE TO STEAL
Issued To
WILLIAM M. GAINES
Publisher Of MAD
This license permits the holder to ask the
ridiculous sum of 30tf for a collection of
inane articles like this one, and also al-
lows him to ask the even more ridiculous
sum of 50tf when such garbage is reprinted.
 DON MARTIN DEPT. PART II

MEANWHILE
AT
THE
DOCTORS
OFFICE *SSr v ^

Doctor! I have a very peculiar-looking wart

that I would like removed immediately! *&'
It's this one here... on the top of my head!!
 INVITATION TO THE DUNCE DEPT.

WHAT ISAM A R T I S T : SERGIO ARAGONES

B
ETWEEN THE TIME the first guests arrive, and the time the last coat is
removed from the host's bed, every gathering is guaranteed to be infil-
trated by a square peg in the social circle called a "Party-Pooper." A Party-
Pooper is the catalyst that binds together diverse elements and motivates everyone
to go home by 10:15. Party-Poopers poop parties in a variety of ways . . . but there
are two main social blunders they invariably commit: (1) Showing up, and (2)
Staying.

P
ARTY-POOPERS ARE USUALLY found in almost every room of the
house except where the party is. Some barricade themselves in the kitchen,
where they monopolize the prettiest girl in the crowd for the entire evening
by threatening to throw her car keys down the Disposall. Others retire to the den,
searching for something interesting to read . . . in the desk drawers. And one is
always on the Princess phone in the master bedroom, dialing the recorded weather
forecast number . . . in Anchorage, Alaska.

E
VEN WHEN A PARTY-POOPER joins the group, he never quite gets with
it. He's the one who becomes so convulsed while repeating a Bennett Cerf
witticism that he falls into the hors d'oeuvres. He's the one who interrupts
conversations about "Peyton Place" to explain the Farm Subsidy Program. And
he's the one who insists on demonstrating, unsuccessfully, how the host's elec-
trical wiring can be tied to a neighbor's meter.

A
PARTY-POOPER LIKES T O : tell long pointless jokes in dialect, rummage
through refrigerators, do card tricks, reminisce over trips to the dentist,
, perform on the kazoo, wear a tie clip that squirts ammonia, and stand on
the sofa to supervise the choosing of teams for word games he's suggested play-
ing. A Party-Pooper does not particularly like discussions of: popular movies he
hasn't seen, popular books he hasn't read, popular people he doesn't know, or
popular issues he hasn't heard about.

I
N A WAY, it's a pity on a Party-Pooper. He bathes with Dial, shampoos with
Head and Shoulders, sprays on Ban, brushes with Colgate, gargles with
Listerine and grooms with VO-5. Then he sets forth to infect the Pepsi
Generation with a Carter's Little Liver Pill personality.
MT-POOPER?
W R I T E R : T O M KOCH

P
ARTY-POOPERS PUSH HOSTESSES to the brink of distraction, and
uncooperative blondes to the brink of 19th floor apartment terraces. They
have a knack for putting to sleep every guest on the scene while they're
waking up every baby on the block. Once they're invited to a party, they never
break their promise to come . . . and once they come, they never fail to break
everything else.

S
TILL, PARTY-POOPERS POSSESS a spirit of generosity that drives them
to share what they have with others. They bring: casseroles of health food
to dinner parties, French post-cards to children's parties, loaded cameras to
office parties, Presbyterian ministers to stag parties, and jilted girl friends of the
groom to wedding parties.

B
UT PARTY-POOPERS ARE NOT REALLY sadistic or cruel or destructive.
There is nothing sadistic about bringing a stack of Judy Canova records . . .
if nobody has to listen to them. There is nothing cruel about carrying
around a stamp album . . . if nobody has to marvel at the set of Liechtenstein
airmails. And there is nothing destructive about ringing a doorbell . . . if nobody
answers it to let in the Party-Pooper with his Judy Canova records and his stamp
album.

M
IGHT AS WELL FACE IT, THOUGH! Party-Poopers always manage
to get into parties somehow . . . to race from room to room, strangling
merriment with their own bare personalities. But after the party runs
out of cheese dip and ice cubes and ginger ale, because the Party-Pooper fed the
cheese dip to the cat and threw the ice cubes in the toilet and poured the ginger ale
into the fish tank . . . and after the guests have learned that six Wedgwood cups
cannot be balanced on a broom handle, and a Great Dane loses his sweet disposi-
tion when a bird cage is tied around his neck, and it's much easier to take a price-
less model ship out of a bottle than to put it back in . . . and after the conviviality
has sunk into a terminal coma and expired from acute boredom, you can bet that
the Party-Pooper will be the only one who doesn't know he killed it simply be-
cause he was there. And come next Saturday night, he'll be ringing the doorbell of
another victim, and shattering the night air with his familiar, cheery cry:
"HEY, WHERE'S THE PARTY?"
 BEHIND THE ODD BALL DEPT.

•* a New Yorker,
WAS PASSING THROUGH A SMALL
V
m§/fcm f
ARTIST: BOB CLARKE
WRITER: ARNIE KOGEN

TOWN IN GEORGIA TRAVELING AT THAT DOESN'T SHAKE AND FALL OFF T H E

8 MILES PER HOUR ... AND VET... TABLE WHEN IT RINGS OR WHEN YOU DIAL IT
is owned by MR. D. AMECHE of Hazelton, Pa.
WAS GIVEN A TICKET FOR
SPEEDING/,

r.<5=*.

POES NOT EMCEE T H E "MISS AMERICA"

CONTEST BECAUSE HE S I N G S SO W E L L / WAT'S BECAUSE THE PHONE IS NAILED DOWN !
MR. AMECHE HiMSELF, HOWEVER, SHAKES AND FALLS OFF

A
••iil^
, THE TABLE AT THE END OF EVERY MONTH WHEN
HE SEES HIS BILL FOR. THE "PRINCESS PHONE".'

RAN FOR A CONGRESSIONAL SEAT IN THE

//£•S CALliP BACK Y£AR STATE OF CALIFORNIA AND VET...
A£7'£R Y£AR B£CAUS£
//£'S MUCH PRT/T/TR WAS NOT A FORMER SONG AH"> DANCE
WE M/OWTMSIS NOTSO UNUSUAL.' ALMOST EVERYONE 7NAN MOST OF me MAN, MOVIE CELEBRITY, AUTHOR
FROM NEW YORK TRAVELING THROUGH SMALL TOWNS "A'I/SSAM£R/CA
IN GEORGIA AT 8 M P H IS GIVEN A TICKET FOR SPEEPIN&" COAUISTANTS/ OR COMEDIAN /
WHAT'S AMAZING ABOUT T///S PARTICULAR. INC/DENT IS
LEWIS WAS WALKING AT T H E T I M E /
I RAH'

rsns

POPULAR
'A
TV ENTERTAINER
AND HOST OF HIS OWN
A
NETWORK TELEVISION SHOW
DID NOT
START OUT ON HIS
CAREER AS AN
NBC PAGE dOt! wmi

JfoMteMER, AS A RESULT OF THE

26 RATINGS OF HIS LAST SHOW, HE IS
CURRENTLY WORKING AS AN NBC PAGE BOY / *s RON ALD LOST BY A LANDSLIDE/
 JACKIE-OF-ALL-TRADES DEPT.
If you've been watching the covers of Movie Magazines on the newsstands
lately, you're probably aware that they all look something like t h i s . . .

When you get right down to it, all Movie Magazine covers are composed of two basic ingredients: (1)
Wild and sensational story-titles, most of which are misleading and/or phony; and (2) Come-on articles
and photos dealing with-of all people-JACKIE KENNEDY! Apparently, in the eyes of Movie Maga-
zine editors, Jackie hasn't suffered enough in her life time. Now she is forced to undergo the indignity of
seeing photos and idiotically-contrived stories about her in every Film Fan Publication in the country.
Which got us to thinking: Since Movie Mags have found the magic success formula, isn't it a matter of
time before all the other magazines latch on to the same formula? Here, then, is what we can expect...

IF OTHER PUBLICATIONS USED THOSE

SENSATIONAL MOVIE MAG COVER GIMMICKS
(INCLUDING THE SHAMELESS EXPLOITATION OF JACKIE KENHEDY)
'Don't Let Them
Make Me Have THAT Operation!" Pleads Lassie I It's All Over Between Mr. Hoboken And His Deltoids! K
July

Pet World 1966

muscular Ueuelopmenf
JULY 1966 50«

An Open Letter To STEVE REEVES:

JACKIE KENNEDY: The Ugly Whispers About
His Doorway Chinning Bar
" Y o u ' d Be A Fool To
Lat-Pulley Shaper
Become A Playboy Bunny!"
#
ARE DAVE DRAPER'S
"THE AFFAIR I SWORE I ABDOMINALS HEADING
WOULD NEVER TALK ABOUT!" FOR BIG HEADLINES?
by Mr. Ed *
Mr. Lake Ronkonkomo:
"James Dean Is Dead—
But Checkers Lives!"
His Strange Passion For
A New Memory Cult Is Born Older Sandow Cable
Pectoral Definers
CHEETAH: #
"Forget My Name! I'm
A One-Woman Monkey!"
"Mr. America" and
"Miss America"—
"Hibernating... Hah!" Are They Exercising
The Naked Truth About Together These Days?
Those Long Winters In *•
Smokey The Bear's Cave -/TV
MRS. CHARLES ATLAS:
" M Y LIFE AND LOVES" "I REFUSE TO SHARE
FROM THE NEW AUTOBIOGRAPHY MY HOME WITH ANOTHER
OF RIN TIN TIN AS 15-INCH BICEP!"
TOLD TO FLIPPER

A R T I S T : JACK R I C K A R D WRITER: LARRYSIEGEL

\
S E X BEFORE
MARRIAGE?
NOT I N M Y B O O K ! "
Angry Noah Webster
Declares

I N T R I G U E AT T H E
N.Y. T I M E S CROSSWORD
PUZZLE DEPARTMENT:
The Night Margaret Farrar
Cried In Bergen Evans' Arms

SPECIAL
BONUS:
Seven Full-Color
Portraits Of
PETER
ROGET
Suitable
For Framing

JACKIE KENNEDY
"Loneliness Is Like A Bitter Vetch!"
WHEN NORM NELSON FOUND GOD IN A ROLLERIZED CAMSHAFT 35 CENTS JUIY 1 8 , 1 9 6 6

U.S. News
ROMfTMCK
Wayne Homing's Secret
JULY 50 cents
& World Report
THE GIRL WHO
LANDED DEAN RUSK
But Can She Hold Him?

Fears For His Unborn

Stock Car
* * * *
CRAIG BREEDLOVE'S
SEARING CONFESSIONS JACKIE KENNEDY'S
ABOUT HIS
4-POT MANIFOLD
* * * * HUSH-HUSH TETE-A-TETES
DAN GURNET:
What His Wife Doesn't Know
About These Long Nights
WITH HAILLE SELASSIE
On The Tucca Salt Flats
* * * *
IS HENRY FORD STILL
THE CHIANG KAI-SHEKS: EX-KING SAUD ON MARRIAGE:
CARRYING A TORCH After Sex-What? "These 22 Are For Keeps!"
FOR HIS EDSEL?
* * * *
"Weird-oh's" Actually
Make Me Nauseous!" Is Fidel Castro Mooning Over "DADDY'S A REACTIONARY PRUDE!"
BY "BIG DADDY" ROTH A Chicken That Fled To Miami? How Linda Bird Johnson Sees LBJ

HAS JACKIE KENNEDY FOUND HAPPINESS

WITH GARLITS DRAGSTER CHASSIS?
GOLDA MEIER: The Former UN Sexpot U Thant Can't Stay Neutral About

• — ' • —

— ^ ^

EXCLUSIVE: 17 FULL-COLOR PICTURES OF J. PAUL GETTY'S WALLET

A Portfolio Of
BUSINESS

c
Becently Discolored
"Haughty" Tintypes
By Mathew Brady WEEK July 18, 1966 Fifty Cents

JULY 1 9 6 6 5 0 CENT5
Are Dow And Jones Heading For Heartbreak?
AN OPEN LETTER TO JAMES WONG HOWE: THE NIGHT ELIZABETH ARDEN CRIED IN MAX FACTOR'S ARMS
You Don't Stand A Chinaman's Chance With Merril, Lynch, Pierce, Fenner and Smith:
-. _ . . . . . . . . w . . . u . i a v / i u u t t ; ytrirn
THE MARRIAGE PROBLEM THEY ALL SHARE
JACKIE KENNEDY Is Henry R. P l a y i n g It LUCE?

THE FEELING THAT PEPSI EXEC, JOAN

CRAWFORD KEEPS ALL BOTTLED UP

JACKIE KENNEDY'S NEXT:

One Of The Seven Santini Brothers?

The Rumor BELL can't fight: "HOWELL WANTS OUT!"

What goes Richard
•
An Intimate The Hot
on after Avedon's Close-Up Of Loves Of
DARKROOM: GEORGIE ERNST
they sit EASTMAN
The LEITZ:
for Honest The Rochester Mrs. Leitz
Bachrach Lowdown: "Hook" No Leica!
-^—. ..-===— -ST-'—~~—-
•'. ' ••' ,-: :i-,.J5i

29
 SPOOKING FROM PICTURES PEPT.
s?4l

Hey, gang! It's time once again for M A D ' S new

game. Here's how it works: Take any familiar
phrase or colloquial expression, give it an
eerie setting so you come up with a new-type
monster, and you're playing it. Mainly, you're

HORRIFYING
CLICHES ARTIST: PAULCOKER, JR. WRITERS: PHIL HAHN &. JACK HANRAHAN

Laughing At A GROSS EXAGGERATION Shrinking From A LOATHESOME TASK

Hatching A SCHEME Laboring Under An ILLUSION

 Recalling An OLD INCIDENT
Preserving A FAMILY TRADITION

Troubled By A NAGGING DOUBT Lodging A COMPLAINT

Losing One's Self In One's WORK Stretching A POINT

DON MARTIN DEPT. PART III

W
AT THE
SCULPTOR'S
STDDIO
SLIPPED DISCOTHEQUE DEPT.

You screamed at "Hullabaloo"! You shouted at "Shindig"! You shrieked at

"Hollywood Au Go Go"! and now you're gonna holler — mainly for your
money back — after you read MAD's version of the biggest of the biggies

HULLABADIG
AU GO GO ARTIST: JACK DAVIS WRITER: DICK DE BARTOLO
 You'll call my name; The reaction is Thanks, everybody. Y'know, I don't often
Don't take your love away,
j You'll go insane; • dying down. We dedicate songs, but I'd like to dedicate
Or I will run away;
I You'll feel such pain; \ better let another that one to someone in Show Biz that I've
And maybe then someday, t
I But I'll be in Spain- * cage of mice loose! always looked up to—a real slick chick-
When you just want to play
Maria Callas! Maria, if you're watching,
So don't take your love a-way! ; ; __ sing it out, baby! That was for you! And
maybe someday, we'll be able to do it as
a duet—or maybe even sing it together.

YJJO
Nobody's I know He may But after ^ No—nobody's But I'm still happy k
perfect! 'cause the cops have robbed, my watch perfect! Going steady •
Not even Are after An' he may He took Not even With sweet...
/ myjim! him! j have stole! A \ my soul! dear Jim! /f K Crooked him-m-m!

Ooo-wah! Boo-bah! Wah-woo! Bah-boo! (Snap fingers!)

Ooo-wah! Boo-bah! Wah-woo! Bah-boo! (Snap fingers!)
Ooo-wah! Boo-bah! Wah-woo! Bah-boo! (Snap fingers!)

4 $gp
^VTK^I
d& v jmi
 Thanks. I'd just like to Speaking of albums, I hear It's called, "Syllables We've Sung", We'll be looking forward
say that, in addition to | that you have an album out and it contains all the syllables we to it. But right now, we
being a single, "Nobody's | all by yourself . . . girls have made famous, including are looking forward to
Perfect" will also be in 'Boop-bee, boop-bee!" and "Umm-Ummm' [meeting "Johnny Eyeglass
our brand new hit album and "La, la, la, la, la, la . . . " and The Spectacles". . .
"CPIME AND PASSION No, they have an album
AU GO GO"! out all by themselves!

m
v v-"i§ MX.
That was "Johnny Eyeglass And now, it's "Folk-Rock" I have seen a lot of war, I have seen fear and hostility,
and The Spectacles" with a time . . . so let's welcome An' I have seen a lot of harm; An' Man's sheer inhumanity;
that wonderful Folk Singer, I have seen a lot of heartbreak, Yes-I have seen all of these things,
ballad from their new hit
Feeble Protest . . . An' I've seen a dropping bomb! You bet!
album, "Love Is So Tender"
That's why I no longer watch
My T . . . V . . . set!
RANDOM HASH-HOUSE DEPT.
This is the age of specialization. Remember when you could
buy a cookbook that would tell you everything there was to
know about cooking? Have you looked at the shelves of cook-
books available today? (Well, not really today, idiot! That's
just an expression meaning "lately"!). Each phase of cook-
ing has been divided and sub-divided until every aspect of
the culinary art can be found in its own separate cookbook.
And if this trend continues, here are some examples of
what we can expect to see as the cookbooks of tomorrow
(Well, not really tomorrow, idiot! That's just an expression
meaning "the future"!), as MAD now presents the ultimate in

A R T I S T : GEORGE W O O D B R I D G E W R I T E R : DICK DE B A R T O L O

THE LITTLE KIDS' COOKING

COOKBOOK FOR ONE
SELECTING AND PREPARING
A FOUR-OUNCE TURKEY

3 New Recipes For That

Left-Over Turkey

2 New Recipes For That

Left-Over Turkey Left
Over From Them Other
3 Left-Over Recipes

1 New Recipe For That

Left-Over Turkey Ditto,
Ditto, Ditto. And Etc.

The "How" and "Why" of

Ptomaine Poisoning
 THE METER'S
COOIUBOOK THE TEEN-AGE
^s COOKBOOK
.K

101 TASTY,
TEMPTING, DELICIOUS \
DESSERTS YOU CAN SMELL
Five Simple Hints
For Carving A Grape New Cheese-Dips
You Can Make While
6 RECIPES FOR PREPARING drugging Ami/Or
ONE STRAND OF SPAGHETTI Talking On The Phone

Eat Candy . . . And Stay Thin!

Don't Remove The Cellophane!
HOW TO SELECT How To Stretch 20 Pounds Ot
A LEAN BANANA!
New Low Calorie Taste Treat:
Br Candy To Serve Four Guests

*£
Cream Of Boiled Water Soup
8 SUMPTUOUS MEALS YOU
CAN MAKE LOOK UNAPPETIZING
AND DISGUSTING SO YOU
WON'T WANT TO EAT THEM

[j*KT MuStOM"^

COOKING FOR THE TUG SERVICEMAN'S

FILTHY RICH COOKBOOK
FIVE NEW RECIPES FOR MAKINGl
TENDER MEAT INTO LEATHER |
• * • •
Save That Dirty Dishwater I
It Makes Great Gravy Stockl
• • • •
P HOW TO MAKE ARMY-TYPE
COFFEE FROM FRESH GROUND
(AND FROM STALE SOIL. TOOI)
» • * •
STOP SERVING THOSE SAME OLD TIRED S.O.S.-More Than Just
BREAKFASTS OF LOBSTER TAILS AND STEAK! A Distress Signal
How To Serve Leg Of Mink Without Having * * **
The Family Say, "What. . . Again?!" PREPARING A SEVEN-COURSE
THOUSAND ISLAND DRESSING DINNER IN JUST ONE POT-
-MADE WITH REAL ISLANDS ATTHESAMETIMEl
What To Serve At Intimate Gatherings (Under 500 People) • * • *
HOW TO HAVE YOUR COOK COOK A GOOSE Serve Him His Meals In The
HOW TO COOK YOUR COOK'S GOOSE Manner He's Accustomed To:
FOR OVER-COOKING YOUR GOOSE In The Backyard, In The Rain,
Left-Over Dishes A Problem? Buy A Set For Every Meal! With A Bent Knife, A Rusty
Fork And A Dirty Spoon
«
CANNED LAUGHTER DEPT.

A MAD Look At
 •O
o
A

Shut-Ins ARTIST & WRITER: AL JAFFEE

ARTS and CRAFTS

^ ^ *£k£tf
 IRON CURTAIN-CALL DEPT.
Are you sick of preposterous "Secret Agent" movies? Are you tired of seeing the same old
"Good-Guy—Bad-Guy" plots, the same old trite "tongue-in-cheek" dialogue, the same old
sexy girls? (So, maybe there are some things you haven't gotten tired of!) Well, enjoy
'em while you can. Sure, they're corny and infantile and badly done. But at least they're
understandable! It seems that there's no happy medium. The other day, we finally saw a
"Secret Agent" thriller that was supposed to be "well-done"! But it was so involved and
so complex that no one could figure out what it was all about. Here is MAD'S version of:

THE SPY THAT CAME

IN FOR THE GDLD A R T I S T : MORT D R U C K E R W R I T E R : A R N I E KOGEN

Gee, tough luck, But this Listen, this picture is

Mr. Lummox! isn't "The so involved, who has the
That's the fifth The idiot! He's riding a "28-Schwinn"! It's always something! Last month, Great Wall time to remember names
one of your I distinctly told him: For getaways at one of my Agents was killed coming Of China"! of Walls! Oh, why couldn't
agents to be The Wall, use a "Racing Bike"! Besides! through here because he forgot to This is I play a less complex
shot trying to How did he expect to make it? Even w i t h | have his hand stamped! There's no "The Berlin role—like one of those
pass through this those training blocks, his feet don't getting away from the danger, Wall"! other famous spies:
checkpoint! reach the pedals! Why must Control tension and intrigue here at "The Napoleon Solo, James Bond,
LLkl always assign me such tiny spies! Great Wall Of China"! Maxwell Smart, Allen Funt?
\
r< EKE * %
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Because they don't get a Leave it! Under the I've got a Not him! It's a man called
million dollars plus a terms of the Geneva new assignment Mondt—the brutal, vicious,
percentage of the gross Convention, they get That will be Look,
for you, East German, ex-Nazi, Aryan,
like you do! That's why possession of the Spy difficult! He's nobody's
Lummox! It's Nordic, blonde beast Counter-
you're called "The Spy —and we get possession currently on a perfect!
a plot to Spy that's been murdering
That Came In For The of the Bicycle! I've singing tour of We can't
trap your all of our agents!
Gold"! By the way—what got enough now to Grossingers all be "Mr.
worst enemy!
should I do with the body? open a store! and Las Vegas! Nice Guy"!
 Our plan is for you
to slowly go to seed.
You will let your life
and your career slip
downhill, drink heavily,
and become embittered!
nun

What kind of a Well, with those qualifications, You've been here three weeks, If you're talking about
job do you have we have openings for: " A Mr. Lummox, and you've been the fact that you borrowed
for an embittered Daytime TV Quiz Show Master avoiding me. Is it because Those things "National Velvet" over a
seedy, run-down of Ceremonies", " A London 'm a member of the Communist don't matter, year ago, that you still
drunkard with a Weather Forecaster", "A Mod Party? Is it because we Nana! It's just haven't returned it, and
gorgeous Clothing Salesman" and "An believe in diametrically that I'm afraid that you owe nearly Six
speaking voice? Assistant Librarian".. . opposed economic, political you'll discover Pounds in Overdue Late
and sociological theories? Is the real truth Charges—forget it! I al-
i t . . . is it bad breath? about me . . . 9 ready know that about you!
 I realize I'm sent to True! That crazy MAD crew thought they'd Excuse me! My Which Mr. And
prison for beating up throw it in as a nostalgic change of pace. name is Rash! Lummox do you Alex
the grocer, but this Besides, with all the complicated intrigue I'm from the want? We got Lu mmox,
scene wasn't in the so far, the audience is probably bewildered.1! Prisoner's Aid TWO Lummox's the
actual movie! At least this scene, they'll understand! Society! I'm living here: SPY
looking for a Irving Lummox, —in
Mr. Lummox—? the Painter— 4-G!
in 2-C . . .

J^ v^S-^- ^
Listen, I'm aware that s~. . .by I've been sent here to Well, that, too! But
ISEE-IISSE
every "adult movie" coming hitting solicit certain—er— mainly, we want racy,
You silly savage! Oh, I get it! You
out of England these days me with background material inside stuff about you
Don't be afraid! This want information
has to have at least one your about your recent past! and Liz! You see, I
is just my way of about my recent
"effeminate" c h a r a c t e r - pocket- We are prepared to pay also freelance for a
saying "Hi!"—And life as a British
but you're too much! book? you handsomely for it! Teenage Fan Magazine!
also of obtaining Intelligence
certain information— Agent. . .

Congratulations, Lummox! So you We are going to make it These suspicions will be

Meanwhile, Nana will To tell the
have finally been contacted by appear that Mondt is aroused when he discovers receive a visit from a truth, I'm still
the East Germans in the person of actually a British Agent that Mondt was missing mysterious stranger, confused by
Rash! Now the plot really thickens by planting incriminating from East Germany at the
evidence against him and and at the same time, that "Bicycle
because it's time for you to precise times that you Sequence"!
arousing the suspicions Allison Mackenzie will
pretend to defect to the enemy! were paying off an "Unknown In fact, I'm
of his brilliant assistant, become bored with
Listen carefully to this plan Double Agent" through bank not even sure
Fiddler, who detests him! Rodney and will fly
which will totally bewilder the accounts in the spy-infested I understand
to South America
cast, the crew and the author, In fact, he still hates cities of Copenhagen, the movie's
him from a previous movie! where she will fall in
not to mention the audience . . . ! Helsinki and Newark . . . "Opening
love with Adolph Hitler!
Credits"!
Is that clear, Lummox?
 K. m°>\^%
I realize that we're meeting
to make final arrangements
Because we're about to talk
dull, involved intrigue again,
Where are you taking me?
1 m If
To Holland for interrogation!

for my defection, but why and this is Paramount's sneaky Holland!? I don't want to Switzerland? Why Switzerland?
pick a crummy place like this way of giving the audience go to Holland! I want
with a sleazy strip-tease something they can follow- to go to Switzerland!
going on in the background? instead of getting bored stiff!

.v^
All right, Lummox, Who were
1
And what And His laundry!
we'll see whether your the agents material what He just can't
It was Reimack, did Karl Top Secret East German Security
information is worth called working Freebish, was stand those
Reimack System information, preserved on
anything to us . . . "Operation with you in Laundromats in
in this
Hart, hand over microfilm—the Minutes of the
'M1M t 7.
Roily the East Berlin,
Schaf frier, to you? last Praesidium meeting, written
What was the cover Polly operation? bundle? so he has it
Marx and in crayola on 8V2 by 11 loose-
name for your East Stone"! done on
| Shlepperman! \ leaf paper—and a large bundle!
Berlin operation? our side!

My name is Like what? "The Torture Rack?" I can

take that! "Burning Straws Under The

]
Fiddler, and
if you don't Fingernails?" I can take that! "Ice
tell me what Cubes Down My Back?" "Tickling With
I want to Chicken Feathers?" I can take that!
know—well,
we have ways No, I was thinking of showing you
of making scenes from "The Sandpiper" . . .
you talk!
 For "Comedy Relief"! This
/ /, 'iiniimiiuLiiini i
What did You know, I'm , , ,>,„!,•!lIUM,IAi:lliill, ..-,,! 1,7 No, it's his crazy
you punch movie could use a good laugh! beginning to Oh? What makes you say that? Is it the habit of having
Lummox and A punch in the mouth is a suspect that subtle hints I've been dropping about everyone get up
Fiddler refreshing change of pace Mondt is an strange bank accounts and withdrawals before a Communist
each in the from all those dull and enemy agent- that coincide exactly with Mondt's Party meeting and
mouth for? depressing "talk" scenes! working for the sudden visits to the neutral nations sing "God Save
British! where these accounts are located? The Queen"!

_^g££ /x&jCJtnwzt&y-^
The Supreme Court of The The Court Item one . . Item two . . . And Alex Lummox has accused his
Praesidium of the Republic of will Comrade Fiddler Comrade Mondt has Hollywood agent of getting him
East Germany will come to now has accused accused Comrade involved in a picture so complex
order! Anyone caught coughing review Comrade Mondt of Fiddler of being —so beyond human comprehension
will be shot to death—and any- the being a British the victim of a hoax, —that it may "bomb" at the box
one caught talking out of turn various Intelligence and being a traitor office . . . thus affecting his
will really be in big trouble!
i=a
%^>
Agent! to East Germany! percentage of the gross receipts!
13"
 I have conclusive proof that Two: Three: And four: He was seen For my defense, I will I object! Under
Mondt is an enemy of the State He He is last week dressed in now resort to a movie the Law, especially
and is working for the British: attends President dirty blue jeans and cliche! For the 1487th in California and
all of of a sneakers, carrying a time in motion pictures, France, a mistress
One: The dates he traveled to the Laurence "U.S.—Stay In Vietnam" I call to the stand . . . is not allowed to
Helsinki were the exact dates NATO Harvey sign, and burning his a surprise witness . . .
testify against
that withdrawals were made by meetings! Fan Club! East German Draft Card! Nana Perrywinkle!
her lover!
an unknown British A g e n t . . .

1
. . . and then I Alex, who's Don't ask me! Guard, Are you
was visited by a Smedley is an agent Then if it was a plot to on trial I'm still trying can you kidding? I'm
man named Smedley working with Lummox! incriminate Mondt, why here? What's to figure out tell us still trying
who paid my rent. Which proves that didn't London stop Smedley? this all the opening what's to figure out
He said he was a Lummox did not defect! What were they trying to about? I'm "Bicycle going i/hy you beat up
friend of Alex's! It was all an act—a do—sabotage their own all confused! Sequence"! on here? that grocer!
plot to incriminate me! operation? I'm all confused!
SAV,
DOES TMIS
w SMEPLEV
HdN/E ONLY ONE
AR«\ ?

Gee, I can understand Producer's orders! You know that film

shooting the girl as Mondt slipped him? It contained a
she escaped over the detailed explanation of the plot! So
Wall—but why did we we had to kill him! He was the only
shoot Alex Lummox? one who finally understood the movie!
 WHAT HERE WE GO WITH ANOTHER RIDICULOUS
AWESOME
BEAST
THREATENS
MAD FOLD-IN
Last year, millions of campers and hunters were
UNWARY threatened by a fierce creature. This year, the
CAMPERS hideous beast is again expected to pounce upon
EVERY unwary people as they flock to forests and parks
YEAR? to enjoy the great outdoors. For a look at this
disgusting monster, fold in page as shown above.
FOLD THIS SECTION OVER LEFT <B FOLD BACK SO "A" MEETS " B "

. J hi

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S M O L D E R I N G , B U R N I N G , ANGRY EYES ARE THE KEY

ARTIST & WRITER: TO THE I D E N T I T Y OF THE FIERCE BEAST
AL JAFFEE
THAT PUTS A DAMPER ON THE FUN FOR PEOPLE
BY THE MILLIONS WHO GO CAMPING EVERY YEAR